Double Whammy for Captain Hook: Targeted by PETA as Health Coverage Dropped!

ARR! I be hating the government

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Captain Hook, commanding officer of the pirate ship Jolly Roger received a double blow this week as PETA activists targeted him for harassment upon learning that he had killed a crocodile. His health insurer also dropped out of the affordable care exchange and increased his premiums by $850 dollars a month.

“Arr what be this?” said Hook as he woke up one morning to find his brig surrounded by protesters from PETA who demanded that he apologize for murdering his crocodile nemesis.

“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go” PETA chanted as they blocked anyone from entering or leaving his ship.

Unable to resupply Hook was forced to plead his case with PETA.

“I had to kill it” said Hook.

A man has the right to revenge. This devil bit me hand off and then he followed me around mocking me, telling me he’d bite off me other hand. I be worried he might so I kill him. He deserves it.

Unfazed by his argument the PETA protesters continued to block access to his ship.

“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go! Alligator-killing white man deserves to die” they taunted him.

Out of water and with supplies at a critical low Hook told the protesters that they were wrong.

“It wasn’t an alligator I killed. Arr it be a crocodile!”

When informed that it was a crocodile and not an alligator PETA dispersed.

“Sorry about that dude. We hate crocs as well” said one protester.

With PETA gone Hook was finally able to resupply his ship, preparing to set sail back to Neverland when he received an email from his health insurance provider informing him that they were dropping out of the health exchange in his state and would be raising his premiums to almost 1,000 per month.

This came as an especially strong setback to Hook who needs special cleaning and maintenance of his prosthetic device.

I be needing lots of medication so my stump be not infected. Arr. I be having no problem getting insurance before this f*cking so-called “affordable care act.”  Arr I should have known. Since when be the government good at anything? I can’t afford to pay that much for health insurance! The pirate industry not be as profitable as it used to be. Arr!  I blame Amazon!

Hook also complained that the Affordable Care Act is forcing him to lay off valuable shipmates.

I be having to keep me shipmates down to 30 hours per week or I have to pay their benefits.  Arr!  How am I supposed to keep them down to 30 hours if I be at sea? Make them walk the plank?

Hook them threatened to quit the pirate business altogether.

“Arr I can’t even scratch me nuts anymore without bleeding out.  F*ck the government. I be joining the Libertarian party now!”

(13)

My Exclusive Interview with Frankenberry

I am much more than a cereal mascot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel (“The most trusted name in making shit up™”) I have the pleasure of interviewing famous cereal mascot Frankenberry.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Frankenberry

FB:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It’s a pleasure to be interviewed by you.

MI:  I don’t know. The last guy I interviewed was pretty cranky.  Then again he just had his balls crushed.

FB: Um.  

MI: Not by me. You’re safe.

FB: Frankenberry likes his balls uncrushed. Frankenberry has to please his many female fans.

MI: Right. Your female fans.

FB: What are you implying?

MI: Nothing. It’s just that the top of your face looks like an ass, you dress in pink and you wear Elton John-style glasses.

FB: I don’t want to talk about this subject. Let’s move along.

MI: Wow. Cranky. Are you sure your balls haven’t been crushed?

FB:  No. Now what did you want to talk to me about?

MI: You’re a world-famous cereal mascot.  What is your relationship like with the other two mascots, Count Chocula and BooBerry?

FB: It’s one of profound professional respect. We see each other on the convention circuits.

MI: Profound professional respect? 

FB: Yes.  Absolutely. With both of them.

MI: Really?

FB: Alright BooBerry’s a bitch.  The f*cking loser. But I’m cool with Count Chocula.

MI: Good to hear. Let’s talk about the pink poo controversy. You sometimes turn the poop of kids who eat your cereal pink.

FB: We’ve addressed that and it has been fixed. Besides the kids didn’t mind. They thought it was funny. It’s the parents who freaked. Parents are always freaking. Sometimes they can be bigger bitches than BooBerry.

[BooBerry enters]

BB: I heard that! I’m telling Count Chocula!

[BooBerry leaves]

FB: Like I said, a real bitch.

[Frankenberry notices a statue behind Manhattan Infidel]

FB: What’s that?

MI: Oh that? That’s an award I won for being the most trusted name in Only Slightly Less Implausible Shit Than the MSM Features Every Night™.  

FB: May I?

MI:  Sure.  Just be careful the statue is heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands the statue to Frankenberry who proceeds to drop it on his balls]

FB: Oh god my balls. They’re crushed. My beautiful balls that I use to satisfy an exclusively female fan base.

MI: Yeah give it a rest.

FB: My balls! What am I going to do with my crushed balls?

MI: You’re in luck. That happened to the last guy I interviewed. We have to keep your balls elevated. Do you have a pulley?

FB: What? No.

MI:What about a lathe? Look around you. Are there any tools we can use to construct a rudimentary lathe?

FB: Don’t touch my balls!  I’m calling an ambulance!  My balls!  My balls! My kingdom for some uncrushed balls!

[Frankenberry runs out of the building]

MI: Oh there’s my lathe. Wait, come back! I have a lathe!

Frankenberry was very emotional.  You know I’m not sure it’s BooBerry who is the bitch.

(5)

Manhattan Infidel’s Suggestions for Renaming the George Washington Bridge

Rename this symbol of patriarchy and white supremacy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situated in upper Manhattan, the George Washington Bridge connects the borough of Manhattan with New Jersey.

Now it’s bad enough that New Jerseyans have easy access to Manhattan but this bridge is named after a slave holder and white supremacist. While there is no solid evidence that Washington was a Nazi it is only a matter of time before said evidence is uncovered.

I ask you are we going to let a bridge be named after a slaveholder, white supremacist and possible Nazi? No!  Resist!

While my first instinct is to blow up the bridge I realized that more faint-hearted Nazi hunters might balk at that. Therefore I will settle for renaming the bridge after a less offensive and controversial personality.

I now submit a list of names that will be inclusive, progressive and non-Nazi.

  • Squeaky Fromme Bridge

I believe that naming this bridge after Squeaky Fromme would sent a message to the entire world that we value gender equality. Before Fromme when one thought of the great assassins one thought of white men. Fromme changed this and proved that women were strong enough to attempt to assassinate the President of the United States. Unfortunately Fromme was cisgender and binary but we can’t have everything. Perhaps the next great female assassin will have a penis.

  • Che Guevara Bridge

He’s Hispanic people! Nothing screams “weak, helpless and oppressed” more than Hispanic heritage. What better way to show we value equality than naming the bridge after him. Sure he executed gays and blacks but who can stay mad as someone as sexy as he was?

  • Susan Smith Bridge

Known for killing her children, she drove her car into a lake and let them drown. She struck a blow against the patriarchy and its institution of slavery known as marriage. By naming the bridge after her we tell the world we value all 31 genders and believe they are equal.  As an added bonus she will be eligible for parole in 2024 and  I’m sure everyone wants to see her bless her bridge.

  • Mohamed Atta Bridge

By naming the bridge after the leader of the 9/11 hijackers we are proving to the world that while we are racist, intolerant and Islamophobic, we are trying to overcome our backwardness and want to be more like our enlightened, progressive European cousins. Bonus: Naming the bridge after a devout Muslim will help bring about peace in the middle east and force that apartheid nation Israel to give back all its land to the rightful owners.

  • Josef Stalin Bridge

He hated Nazis and wanted to punch them all. This alone is good reason to name the bridge after him. He established a socialist workers paradise in the Soviet Union. He also liked cats. No not the musical though it is the world’s most thrilling theatrical experience.

  • Lemrick Nelson, Jr. Bridge

During the Crown Heights riots of 1991 he stabbed Hasidic student Yankel Rosenbaum to death. Lemrick Nelson is black and it is important that a bridge be named after a black hero. By naming the bridge after him we also put further pressure on Israel. Iran will also take notice and hopefully nuke the apartheid state of Israel for the good of the entire world.

To recap, while Fromme, Smith and Stalin were technically white it is important to point out that none owned slaves, Fromme and Smith were weak, helpless and oppressed women and Stalin had a mustache and was a socialist who hated Nazis. Even Nazis with mustaches.

(12)

My Exclusive Interview With the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister

Ow my balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel (“the most trusted name in satire™“) I have the pleasure of interviewing the dude who got hit right in the balls with a tear gas canister at an anti-Trump rally in Phoenix, Arizona.

MI: Good morning.  What should I call you?

DHBWTGC: My name is Joshua Stuart Cobin.

MI: That’s not colorful enough for my readers. I’ll just call you the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister.

DHBWTGC: If you must. The important thing is to get my story out.

MI:  Your story?

DHBWTGC: Yes I was fighting the oppression of my people,

MI: Your people are oppressed?

DHBWTGC: Yes. Trump is going to take away all our rights and oppress me.  My dad isn’t spending 40,000 a semester to send me to a private university just so Trump can fight equality! 

MI: Forty thousand a semester?

DHBWTGC: Artisanal, soy-based, grass fed, cruelty-free latte isn’t cheap you know.

MI: No I suppose it isn’t. But let’s get down to the question everyone wants to know:  How are your balls?

DHBWTGC: Um. They hurt. They hurt a lot.

MI: I imagine they must. You took quite the shot to your balls with that tear gas canister.

DHBWTGC: Yes.

MI: I mean you went down and crumbled onto the pavement like you were shot.

DHBWTGC: I was shot. In the balls. With a tear gas canister.

MI: What did the doctors say about your balls?

DHBWTGC: My balls are still pretty swollen. They’re about the size of grapefruits now. Doc says they will be swollen for a couple more weeks.They had to give me a few cortisone shots right in my nutsack. Very long needle. Went in one end of my nutsack and out the other. 

MI:That must have hurt.

DHBWTGC: It did. Not as much as being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. But it still hurt.

MI: Did you see the tear gas canister before it hit you in your balls?

DHBWTGC: Obviously not or I would have covered up the old nutsack.

MI: Why didn’t you charge and attack the policeman who had fired the canister at you? Why did you fall down?

DHBWTGC:  Um, because I had just been hit in the balls.

MI: I see. What was going through your mind in the first moments after you were hit in the balls?

DHBWTGC: I was in shock mostly but I remember saying “Ow!”.  I said that a lot. That and “Oh my god I’ve been hit in the balls with a tear gas canister!”

MI: You lay there on the ground for a while. It looked like you tried to get up but couldn’t.

DHBWTGC: Well my balls had just been crushed so it was difficult to stand.

MI: And then someone wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey came to your rescue and helped carry you off the street.

DHBWTGC: Yes. It was good to see Kaepernick not take knee for once. Though I support his right to shit all over the American flag. A flag of racism.

MI: What are your future plans?

DHBWTGC: For the most part I’ll be living at home with my mother and father. The doctor says I have to keep my balls elevated until the swelling goes down so I won’t be doing much walking around. My father built a contraption that keeps my balls elevated. I have to place them inside this pulley and – 

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. 

And so ended my interview with the dude who was hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. And for my readers here are some photos of the dude being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister and a link to the best five internet memes about the dude who got hit in the balls with a tear gas canister.

My balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My balls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kaepernick with the assist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Balls! My balls have just been crushed by a tear gas canister!

(135)

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Updated {Updated} {Updated} {Updated} {Updated} Kennedy Malfeasance Template™

Shut up serf! I”m a Kennedy I am entitled!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have written Kennedy Malfeasance Templates before. And so we do again. God bless the rich, bloated, privileged, parasites on society Kennedy Clan. They are a Godsend for bloggers.

Max Kennedy, son of assassinated Senator Robert F. Kennedy and his daughter Caroline were arrested at the Kennedy Compound for:

  1. It was probably just a misunderstanding
  2. Leaving the scene of a fatal car crash
  3. Possession of drugs and/or drug paraphernalia
  4. They are the Kennedys.  Probably a combination of all three
  5. A loud party? You’re kidding? Well the loud party was probably just cover to get the dead bodies out of the house

Neighbors had asked the Kennedys to keep the noise down. Naturally the Kennedys responded by:

  1. Apologizing to their neighbors and immediately turning down the volume at the party
  2. Sleeping with a Nazi spy
  3.  Sleeping with Marilyn Monroe (Well she’s dead so let’s just say it was a life-sized cutout)
  4. Driving a car off a bridge, leaving a young woman to drown as she watched the air pocket slowly become smaller
  5.  Absolutely nothing. These are Kennedys. They do not have to do what serfs ask them to. Royalty has privileges

When police arrived at the compound they:

  1. Did their job and arrested the Kennedys
  2. Asked for autographs and apologized for interrupting the party
  3. Helped the Kennedys move any (recently) dead bodies to a neighbor’s property so they would get blamed
  4. Helped clean up vomit from any overdosing guests
  5. Drove a car off a bridge for the Kennedys, drowning a young woman in the process

The Kennedys were arrested, given tickets and released without bail. What will happen next?

  1. Justice will be served. They will pay a fine
  2. CNN will report that Donald Trump drove a car off a bridge, drowning a young woman
  3. Trump will be impeached
  4. The incident will be blamed on the incendiary rhetoric of the alt-right
  5. Michael Moore will go on an all cheeseburger food strike until the charges are dropped

********************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 

********************************************************************************************************

Conor Kennedy, who briefly dated Taylor Swift was arrested after getting into a brawl outside an Aspen nightclub last December.

What the hell man? How did I miss this? My Kennedy Malfeasance Template skills are apparently not as good as I thought.

For those who care here is the source material on America’s royal family:

http://nypost.com/2017/08/22/two-kennedys-arrested-after-wild-party-in-cape-cod/

http://nypost.com/2016/12/29/kennedy-kid-who-dated-taylor-swift-busted-after-aspen-brawl/

(17)

Symbol of Misogyny and White Supremacy Pulled Down in Manhattan!

This statue of Ralph Kramden is a symbol of hatred!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enraged that a statue of hatred stood outside New York’s Port Authority in midtown, angry activists took to the streets and attempted to tear it off its pedestal, set it on fire and throw the symbol of intolerance into the East River.

The statue of bus driver Ralph Kramden has stood outside 8th Avenue for years, attracting little attention as busy commuters rushed to and fro. That was until the activist group “Citizens United Against Stuff We Don’t Like”  decided it was time to remove it.

“We don’t like stuff. This statue is one of those stuff” said the group’s founder.

Kramden was a wife beater. Neighbors say he beat her so hard it sounded like she was being sent to the moon. He is a symbol of hatred and misogyny. He also lived in an all-white apartment building, worked for a bus company that would not hire peoples of color and belonged to a lodge, The International Loyal Order of Friendly Raccoons, that did not allow members of color. Even the name “raccoon” is racist. Given all that why is this symbol of white supremacy and patriarchy allowed to stand in this progressive city?

The group’s members, all recently graduated or still in college surrounded the offensive symbol of our nation’s past hatred and taunted it, chanting “Hey, ho, patriarchy and misogyny have got to go!” before throwing menstrual blood on it.

Next came the actual dismounting the statue from its base, which proved harder than expected for the college-educated elite group.

First they attempted to topple it with their moral authority.

“By the power of my Ivy League degree I say topple over!” shouted the group’s president.

Perhaps because the statue was patriarchal and would not listen to a woman it refused to be toppled over.

They then tried pushing it over but to no avail.

Seeing it still standing several group members became triggered and called their trigger counselors to tell them about their feelings. They then entered the Port Authority building looking for a safe space. Finding no safe space available many became confused and began weeping.

It was then that a passerby saw the weeping group and asked what was wrong.

“We can’t topple the patriarchy” one member said.

They were then directed to the Port Authority’s office where they put in an official work order to remove the offending symbol of hatred.

As four burly men used tools to remove the statue the groups members cheered.

“This is great. We are using the patriarchy to dismantled the patriarchy!” said one.

With the statue now removed they then went to their group headquarters where they feasted on kale, gluten-free bread and seltzer water while planning their next act of tolerance.

“We are asking that the George Washington Bridge be torn down. George Washington was a cisgender white male slaveholder. He is literally Hitler!”

(36)

Pete Best to Portray George Lazenby in the Zeppo Marx Story!

No one else knows what it means to be George Lazenby in the Zeppo Marx story

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has been announced that Pete Best has been signed on to star in the new Zeppo Marx biography being produced in Hollywood.

“When we decided to do a movie about Zeppo Marx we needed someone who could sell being famous for a very short time” said the movie’s producer.

Originally we tried to get that guy Ryan Seacrest replaced on American Idol but he demanded health benefits and lunch breaks. Then we tried to get the guy who replaced John Travolta on Welcome Back Kotter but I think he’s dead. It was then that we settled on Pete Best. When you think of Zeppo Marx you think of someone who was overshadowed by the more talented members of the group. When you think of Pete Best, well, need i say more?

When hired it was originally thought that Best would portray Zeppo. But as Best also asked for health benefits and lunch breaks it was decided to reduce the time he would be needed on the set. The role of Zeppo instead went to the second guy to play Lionel Jefferson in the sitcom The Jeffersons.

It was then that George Lazenby was written into the script and the role assigned to Best.

Lazenby, like Best was famous for a brief period. I mean he replaced Sean Connery as James Bond. For one movie. Then he was out. Replaced by the man he replaced. Best would play him. We took some dramatic license but the movie ends with an elderly and forgotten Zeppo Marx sitting by the Thames River when he meets a forgotten George Lazenby. They commiserate and then jump into the river to drown. So this climatic scene has Pete Best, an Englishman who was famous for a very short time playing George Lazenby, an Australian who was famous for a very short time talking to Zeppo Marx portrayed by the second actor to play Lionel Jefferson, an American who was famous for a very short time portraying another American who was famous for a very short time. It’s casting decisions like this that have made me rich. Well that and my father was a billionaire.

As for Best he is pleased to portray Lazenby.

“I know what it’s like to be passed over” he said.

When I was portraying Lazenby talking to Zeppo I felt it. I felt all the words! I also ad-libbed a little bit. I said “Remember Zeppo, watch out for Paul and never agree to a meeting in Brian Epstein’s office” though I think that bit may not make the final cut.

Best hopes his portrayal of Lazenby will bring more acting roles his way.

“I want a starring role this time, with health benefits and lunches. Lots of lunches. Hopefully with finger foods and some donuts.”

(4)

Hundreds of Thousands of Nerds Line Up to Watch Naturally Occurring Event!

Nerds love this shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday in the United States a totally naturally-occurring total eclipse of the Sun caused nerds to come out of hiding and parade openly in the streets.

“I haven’t seen so many nerds since I was doing security at a Comic Con” said a guard working in the area of totality.

Normally I don’t like to see so many nerds in one location. There’s always the possibility of a stampede. Nerds have a collective mind and when one panics they all panic. And when nerds panic people get hurt. But so far they’ve all been peaceful. I’m still worried though. I won’t rest until the nerds have dispersed.

One nerd explained why he had traveled a thousand miles to see the solar eclipse.

“Normally I’d be at work but I lack the people skills to hold a job” he said.

I live in my mother’s basement. She’s very nice. When I heard there was going to be a total solar eclipse I packed the Wolverine suitcase I bought at a Comic Con and headed off to the area of totality. I don’t have a girlfriend and have never known the touch of a woman so this total solar eclipse is the closest thing I will ever have to a lover. It’ll be fun. My mother packed some ham and cheese sandwiches! I even have Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler on my iPod. I will play it during the eclipse.

Neil degrasse Tyson, perhaps the greatest scientist who has ever lived, commented on the popularity of the eclipse.

“This has never happened before” said the world’s greatest genius.

The moon passing between the Sun and the Earth? What kind of sorcery is this? There are differing theories as to why this has happened but I think we can all agree that climate change is probably the correct explanation. People are gathering to appease their gods. They are frightened and are asking the god of climate change to stop the rising of the seas.

Many believe the total solar eclipse is Donald Trump’s fault and that he colluded with the Russians to bring it about.

“Is there no evil this man isn’t responsible for?” asked congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-CA).

First he and Putin are colluding to defeat Hillary Clinton. Next he and Putin are hiding the Sun. Sorcery!  Sorcery!  If this continues Guam will tip over into the Atlantic ocean.

From the White House where President Trump was watching the eclipse with his Jewish daughter (who is rumored to be stealing the Sun and arranging a total eclipse in the West Bank) the President displayed his ignorance and mendacity by calling the eclipse “a wonderful naturally-occurring event.”

After the eclipse was over the hundreds of thousands of nerds who watched the eclipse dispersed to their mother’s basements.

“I haven’t been so excited since David Hasselhoff sent me an autographed picture of him and Kit” said one nerd.

The next total solar eclipse in North America occurs on April 8th, 2024.

Unless Donald Trump and Putin stop it.

(8)

Walking Dead to Introduce Transgender Zombies!

America demands gender fluid zombies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Producers of AMC’s hit show “The Walking Dead” have announced that the upcoming season will feature a story line with transsexual zombies.

“I’m a rich, powerful Hollywood producer” said one of the show runners.

And being a rich, powerful Hollywood producer means one thing: I have my finger on the pulse of middle America. And what middle America wants is more transsexuals! They can’t get enough transsexuals. In fact I’m starting an new all transgender cable channel. I do this because it’s the right thing to do. And as I mentioned before I have my finger on the pulse of middle America. I also have my finger up my secretary’s ass but that’s a different cable channel.

In season eight Rick and his band of survivors meet a group of transgender walkers. At first Rick wants to kill them (being a white male of northern European origin he is naturally prone to violence) but, touched by the outcast status of the transgendered, he has a change of heart.

Even after one of the transgendered walkers eats his son Rick refuses to kill.

In a speech that has been called pivotal Rick looks out at his new transgendered allies and throws down his gun.

“I used to ask people how many they have killed” says Rick.

But I know now that was the remnants of the pre-apocalyptic patriarchy inside me that was speaking. Having met these transgendered walkers I am touched by their struggle. All they want to do is be accepted for who they are. And use the bathroom of their choice. Is that too much to ask of the undead? My conscience has been purified. What has happened to the world the past few years is the price we have to pay for patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy. Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of the undead apocalypse may speedily pass away. Yet, if God, who doesn’t exist but if he does hates patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy as well, wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the prejudice against walkers shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with Daryl’s crossbow, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “the judgments of the Lord, who hates patriarchy, misogyny and white supremacy are true and righteous altogether.”

In the transgendered story arc Rick teams up with the transsexual walkers to fight Negan.

“Negan represents the patriarchy” said the show runner.

As such he must lose and lose badly. But not before being shamed by the moral superiority of the transsexual walkers. Yes I know this takes our show in a whole different direction but as I mentioned before I have my pulse on the finger of middle America and what they want are more social justice messages in their entertainment.

“It’s all about having your finger on the pulse” he continued.

“That’s how you get an edge in this business. I also have my finger up the Chinese delivery boy’s ass. But that’s a story for another day.”

(15)

Notorious Alt-Right Woodpecker Nationalist Killed in Hail of Gunfire!

Death to the bastard!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

History’s greatest monster is dead, never again to terrorize America with his alt-right thoughts and anti-environment actions.

Long known and feared for his destruction of trees, local animal life and aggressive, binary sexual expression the evil woodpecker was surrounded and taken out by SWAT teams from the Departments of Interior, Agriculture and the Environmental Protection Agency.

“The struggle is over. The destroyer of worlds Woody Woodpecker is dead” announced Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

No one Federal agency can take the credit for this operation. It is the result of cooperation between many agencies of the Government. Once he was identified as a thought criminal we coordinated our efforts to bring him to justice. I also want to thank the Department of Defense for allowing us to use their satellites and drones to locate and take out Mr. Woodpecker.  These events show what our government can do when we cooperate together.

Though the Government had long recognized Mr. Woodpecker as a domestic terrorist the legal justification for his assassination came in a memo drafted by several college professors working with the Feds.

The memo, entitled “Combating the Rise of Animal Extremism and Cisgenderism” detailed Mr. Woodpecker’s crimes.

  • Damage to the environment

………the woodpecker seems to spend his entire day burrowing into trees. This results in the death of the said trees, loss of foliage, rising temperatures and sea levels and concomitant destruction of coastland………..

  • Anti-veganism

……..he has shown a repeated tendency to disparage a vegan diet. Veganism is peacefulism. The science is settled on this. When offered gluten-free vegan food he will ignore it and continue to eat his normal diet of worms, not to be confused with the Holy Roman Empire’s Diet of Worms which is an entirely different thing altogether……..

  • Woodpecker nationalism

…….this woodpecker repeatedly shows the evil in his heart by deprecating the company of other species and only wanting to hang around other woodpeckers leading to his woodpecker nationalism…….

  • Cisgender woodpecker sexual expression

…….Mr. Woodpecker has refused to have sex with other male woodpeckers and prefers to strut his male woodpecker organs in front of female woodpeckers, This is dangerous. It is wrong and leads to oppression of gay woodpeckers………

With the legal and moral justification for Mr. Woodpecker’s assassination by Government in place, and assisted by drones, siege was laid on his habitat.  Federal forces advanced at a rate of 20 feet a day despite Mr. Woodpecker’s defenses of several rows of cheval-de-frise’s.

As Government forces of righteousness closed in and sensing he was about to be caught Mr. Woodpecker put out a white flag and sought to negotiate, but to no avail.

“There is no negotiating with evil” said the commander of the Department of Interior’s SWAT team.

Nor can we negotiate with evil. Did we negotiate with Hitler? Did we negotiate with Hirohito?  Perhaps we should have. It would have ended the war two years earlier and saved hundreds of thousand of lives. But that’s neither here nor there. No. We took out Mr. Woodpecker with extreme prejudice.

Once Mr. Woodpecker had expired his body was flown out over the Pacific and dumped into the ocean.

“We didn’t want a burial site that might have become a pilgrimage for incipient nationalist movements” said Attorney General Sessions.

(56)