Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we are always challenging ourselves
thinking of ways to make a cheap buck. Prostitution? Too much pressure to perform. Building a narrative that Trump colluded with the Russians to hack the election? No one would be stupid enough to believe it.
Then it hit me: Children’s books! It’s easy money and anyone can write crap that allegedly teaches children life’s little lessons.
So now I present a few potential children’s books that I have started work on:
- God Loves Everybody. Except You. You Suck
Sometimes children have to learn harsh lessons about life. Why learn it from strangers. Read this book to your kids. Know that the crying you hear behind their closed door at night is just the tears of realistic expectations.
- Let ‘Er Rip: The Table Saw is Your Friend!
Kids love to build things. Why shouldn’t they be curious about those sharp blades? Safety? Safety is for losers. Just stick your arm in and saw away!
- All Cats Go to Hell!
Seriously. They do. Their soul was not made in the image and likeness of God. Once your cat dies he’s burning, man.
- Dogs Go to Hell, Too!
Fido may be your best friend but have you seen how many times he licks himself? That’s sinful. He’ll have to pay for his autoerotic behavior. And since he’s a dog he can’t go to confession so his fate is sealed.
- While We’re on the Subject Your Hamster is Also Going to Hell!
Why? It’s a f*cking hamster kid. God doesn’t want anything that’s been in Richard Gere’s ass.
- Nor Will Your Father Escape the Flames of Hell!
Seriously kid. Have you seen his internet history? I mean making “Big Breasted Asian Girls” his home page alone is grounds for eternal damnation. Not that there’s anything wrong with Big Breasted Asian Girls, mind you. But resist!
- Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
Just remember when you’re trying to pay off that 100,000 dollar student loan: Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.
- Making Grown Up Friends on the Internet
What could possibly go wrong. You’re going to see a penis eventually so why not now?
- Curious George and the High Voltage Fence!
Electricity does miraculous things like light our homes and power our computers. It will also fry your ass if you’re not careful. Now doesn’t the freshly cooked Curious George smell delicious? Sure he does. Take him home and eat him. Just wait until they turn off the power first.
- Mommy Wears Negligees and Says She Likes the Fed Ex’s Man’s “Package”
Since your Dad ran off with his boyfriend your mother has been very lonely. Cut her some slack you brat.
I believe all these books will be best sellers and they will fundamentally transform children’s literature. I smell a Pulitzer. No wait. That’s just Curious George.