Today at Manhattan Infidel (“the most trusted name in satire™“) I have the pleasure of interviewing the dude who got hit right in the balls with a tear gas canister at an anti-Trump rally in Phoenix, Arizona.
MI: Good morning. What should I call you?
DHBWTGC: My name is Joshua Stuart Cobin.
MI: That’s not colorful enough for my readers. I’ll just call you the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister.
DHBWTGC: If you must. The important thing is to get my story out.
MI: Your story?
DHBWTGC: Yes I was fighting the oppression of my people,
MI: Your people are oppressed?
DHBWTGC: Yes. Trump is going to take away all our rights and oppress me. My dad isn’t spending 40,000 a semester to send me to a private university just so Trump can fight equality!
MI: Forty thousand a semester?
DHBWTGC: Artisanal, soy-based, grass fed, cruelty-free latte isn’t cheap you know.
MI: No I suppose it isn’t. But let’s get down to the question everyone wants to know: How are your balls?
DHBWTGC: Um. They hurt. They hurt a lot.
MI: I imagine they must. You took quite the shot to your balls with that tear gas canister.
MI: I mean you went down and crumbled onto the pavement like you were shot.
DHBWTGC: I was shot. In the balls. With a tear gas canister.
MI: What did the doctors say about your balls?
DHBWTGC: My balls are still pretty swollen. They’re about the size of grapefruits now. Doc says they will be swollen for a couple more weeks.They had to give me a few cortisone shots right in my nutsack. Very long needle. Went in one end of my nutsack and out the other.
MI:That must have hurt.
DHBWTGC: It did. Not as much as being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. But it still hurt.
MI: Did you see the tear gas canister before it hit you in your balls?
DHBWTGC: Obviously not or I would have covered up the old nutsack.
MI: Why didn’t you charge and attack the policeman who had fired the canister at you? Why did you fall down?
DHBWTGC: Um, because I had just been hit in the balls.
MI: I see. What was going through your mind in the first moments after you were hit in the balls?
DHBWTGC: I was in shock mostly but I remember saying “Ow!”. I said that a lot. That and “Oh my god I’ve been hit in the balls with a tear gas canister!”
MI: You lay there on the ground for a while. It looked like you tried to get up but couldn’t.
DHBWTGC: Well my balls had just been crushed so it was difficult to stand.
MI: And then someone wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey came to your rescue and helped carry you off the street.
DHBWTGC: Yes. It was good to see Kaepernick not take knee for once. Though I support his right to shit all over the American flag. A flag of racism.
MI: What are your future plans?
DHBWTGC: For the most part I’ll be living at home with my mother and father. The doctor says I have to keep my balls elevated until the swelling goes down so I won’t be doing much walking around. My father built a contraption that keeps my balls elevated. I have to place them inside this pulley and –
MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.
And so ended my interview with the dude who was hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. And for my readers here are some photos of the dude being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister and a link to the best five internet memes about the dude who got hit in the balls with a tear gas canister.