Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to interview a guest to our planet who goes by the name of “Predator.”
MI: Good afternoon Predator.
P: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.
MI: Welcome to our planet. Why did you decide on Earth?
P: It was that Jeff Goldblum movie, you know. Earth Girls are Easy. I was titillated by these hairless shapely creatures and decided to vacation here. Even predators need love you know.
MI: You mentioned that you are a predator. What does a predator do?
P: Well we hunt things and kill them. That’s another reason I chose Earth. I hear you have this species called “hippies” and that they are easy to pick off.
MI: That makes sense. How goes the hunting?
P: Not good. I blame Earth food. I originally landed in Ireland and the food there did not agree with me. So starchy and heavy. I ended up constipated. Did you ever try to hunt down prey when you are constipated? It’s not easy. So I moved to New York.
MI: Did you have more success in New York?
P: Well I’m pooping again. So yeah it’s easier.
MI: What changed?
P: I met a hairless shapely creature who had a diner. She put me on a paleo diet. She also made me something called “lasagna” which was delicious. I’m pooping now three, four times a day. It’s great!
MI: That’s good to know. You also mentioned that you came here for your love life. How’s that going?
P: Not good. Not good at all. Earth women are much different than in the movies.
MI: How so?
P: They aren’t easy at all. Most seem afraid of me. I went on this one date and everything seemed fine until she screamed.
MI: Why did she scream?
P: To be fair I had just hunted down and killed her entire family. Or it might have been the giant log I left in her toilet.
MI: The paleo diet?
P: Exactly.
MI: Back to your love life. No success?
P: I did meet this one girl who seemed to like me. She said I had a Jason Momoa thing going on.
[Jason Mamoa enters]
JM: Hey Predator how are you doing?
P: Wow. It’s like looking in a mirror!
JM: You said you were pooping three, four times a day?
P: It’s the paleo diet.
JM: Man I need that. I have to poop. I’m so backed up. My belly is distended.
MI: Have you tried fiber pills?
JM: Fiber pills? Hmm. I’ll give it a shot. Thank you Manhattan Infidel!
[Jason Mamoa leaves]
MI: Anyway that’s about all the time I have Predator.
P: Really? You haven’t even asked me about my spiritual beliefs.
MI: Predators are spiritual?
P: Nah, just messing with you man. We’re atheists. Hey can I kill you before I go?
MI: I thought we agreed. You wouldn’t kill me in exchange for an interview.
P: Oh yeah, I did promise that. I guess it’s off to find some hippies then. Do you know where I can find some?
MI: Try the college campuses.
[Predator leaves]
And so ended my interview with the Predator. I’d like to thank him for his time. But mostly for not killing me.
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