They told me Earth was glamorous!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to interview a guest to our planet who goes by the name of “Predator.”

MI:  Good afternoon Predator.

P:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Welcome to our planet.  Why did you decide on Earth?

P:  It was that Jeff Goldblum movie, you know.  Earth Girls are Easy.  I was titillated by these hairless shapely creatures and decided to vacation here. Even predators need love you know.

MI:  You mentioned that you are a predator. What does a predator do?

P:  Well we hunt things and kill them. That’s another reason I chose Earth. I hear you have this species called “hippies” and that they are easy to pick off.

MI:  That makes sense. How goes the hunting?

P:  Not good. I blame Earth food.  I originally landed in Ireland and the food there did not agree with me.  So starchy and heavy.  I ended up constipated. Did you ever try to hunt down prey when you are constipated? It’s not easy. So I moved to New York.

MI:  Did you have more success in New York?

P:  Well I’m pooping again. So yeah it’s easier.  

MI:  What changed?

P:  I met a hairless shapely creature who had a diner. She put me on a paleo diet. She also made me something called “lasagna” which was delicious. I’m pooping now three, four times a day. It’s great!

MI:  That’s good to know.  You also mentioned that you came here for your love life. How’s that going?

P:  Not good. Not good at all. Earth women are much different than in the movies.

MI: How so?

P:  They aren’t easy at all. Most seem afraid of me. I went on this one date and everything seemed fine until she screamed.

MI:  Why did she scream?

P:  To be fair I had just hunted down and killed her entire family. Or it might have been the giant log I left in her toilet.

MI:  The paleo diet?

P:  Exactly.

MI:  Back to your love life.  No success?

P: I did meet this one girl who seemed to like me.  She said I had a Jason Momoa thing going on.

[Jason Mamoa enters]

Not the Predator!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JM:  Hey Predator how are you doing?

P:  Wow.  It’s like looking in a mirror!

JM:  You said you were pooping three, four times a day?

P:  It’s the paleo diet.

JM:  Man I need that. I have to poop. I’m so backed up.  My belly is distended.

MI:  Have you tried fiber pills?

JM:  Fiber pills? Hmm. I’ll give it a shot. Thank you Manhattan Infidel!

[Jason Mamoa leaves]

MI:  Anyway that’s about all the time I have Predator.

P:  Really?  You haven’t even asked me about my spiritual beliefs.

MI:  Predators are spiritual?

P:  Nah, just messing with you man. We’re atheists. Hey can I kill you before I go?

MI:  I thought we agreed. You wouldn’t kill me in exchange for an interview.

P:  Oh yeah, I did promise that. I guess it’s off to find some hippies then. Do you know where I can find some?

MI:  Try the college campuses.

[Predator leaves]

And so ended my interview with the Predator. I’d like to thank him for his time. But mostly for not killing me.

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