Santa Speaks!

Truth be told I really do not like children!









With Thanksgiving just around the corner and the start of the holiday season upon us, what better time to interview the man himself, St. Nick, or Santa Claus.

MI:  Good afternoon Santa.  Or do you prefer St. Nick?

S:  Please, call me Santa. I’ve always found St. Nick to be rather pretentious. I’m not saint. Though my thighs are a gift from god, if you know what I mean.  The Mrs. gave me a Stairmaster last year.

MI:  I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview. I know this is your busy season.  So let me start off with this question: When do you start planning for Christmas?

S: Usually right after the New Year. After Christmas the Mrs. and I take a few weeks off and go to County Donegal in Ireland and spend our time walking on the beach. It’s very relaxing. Sometimes we go to the local bars and have a pint of Guinness or Smithwicks. 

MI:  I see. And what then?

S: After a few weeks we go back to the North Pole and start the process all over again. There’s a lot of paperwork to be filed, passports and visas to get in order, collecting all the orders from the children of the world.

MI: They start sending you orders that early?

S:  The greedy little shits. They never let up.

MI:  Wow.

S: Then I have to get the sleigh checked out.  Hardware has to be certified again. Software upgraded. Basically everything has to be brought up to code.

MI: Sounds like an intense process. Is there anything you’d like to say to the kids of the world?

S:  Yeah. Stop leaving milk and cookies out. Do you know the number they do on ole Santa’s digestive system? It’s not like I can find a porta potty somewhere over the Pacific. Though once I remember I really had to go and I said “Take the reins boys, Santa’s going to relieve himself.”

MI: What happened then?

S: I dropped my pants and stuck my ass out the side of the sleigh and did my business. Unfortunately since I like to fly with the wind behind me – it saves time – let’s just say the wind took my effluvia and splattered it all over the reindeer.  I heard Donner screaming “I can’t see. I got shit in my eyes! The fat bastard’s shit is all over eyes!” We almost crashed. Donner has always been cold to me ever since.

MI:  You’d think he’d be more forgiving.

S:  I think it’s his role. He’s the union rep for the reindeer so we’ve always had an adversarial relationship.

MI:  Union rep? What are some of their demands?

S:  Believe it or not the reindeer don’t want to work on Christmas. I told them that comes with the territory. I said what about the children? That’s when Donner flipped me the bird and said “F*ck the little shits.”  Can’t say I wasn’t sympathetic to that argument.

MI: I never knew this. It was never in any of the Christmas specials.

S:  Yeah well the reindeer are such drama queens. And don’t get me started on the Christmas specials. Hollywood lies about everything you know.  Hey look I have to go. Is there anything you want for Christmas?

MI:  World peace.

S:  World peace?  F*ck you. Do I look like God? You’re lucky if I give you a matchbox. I might have Donner beat you up.

MI: All I wanted was –

S:  I’m out of here. F*cking reporters are all a bunch of a**holes!

And so ended my interview with Santa. I’d like to finish by addressing all the children of the world. Stop leaving Santa milk and cookies. He’s overworked and stressed out. Instead leave him something he’ll appreciate: Vodka.


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