Beloved around the world and now missing!

Beloved and altruistic giver of presents to all the gentile boys and girls, Santa Claus, has gone missing off the coast of California during a routine test run in preparation for Christmas. The Coast Guard was immediately notified and began an intensive search for Santa and his reindeer.

“We are currently running an air and sea rescue mission” said an Admiral for the Coast Guard.

We are using all our resources in an attempt to find them. Hell we even asked the Chinese to put a weather balloon over the area. Maybe they could find them. Perhaps they went down and are floating in the Pacific. We are still calling this a rescue mission. As of now we are not classifying them as gone.

When Santa first went missing Alec Baldwin,

Goddamn Santa had it coming!

who has been on Santa’s naughty list since 1993, immediately became the prime suspect.

“You’re damn right I have a beef with the fat man” said Baldwin

Put ME on the naughty list? ME? He’s had a grudge against me since I hooked up with Kim Basinger. Seems fat boy was banging her first and didn’t like that I stole her. So yeah, I have no love lost for Santa. And yes, when I saw Santa and the reindeer over my house I started shooting. Though technically the gun went off by itself. I just wanted to send a message. Get me off the naughty list!

Baldwin was discounted as a possible suspect when it was determined that as an actor he was a lying filthy immoral bastard who was probably too drunk to hurt Santa. Or sitting on toilet, shooting up. Or engaging in sodomitic relations with a teenager. Or sacrificing an animal, possibly a turtle, as part of a Satanic ritual. Or sacrificing a turtle and a teenager at said ritual.

Attention was then focused on a possible suicide mission by the reindeer, many of whom had converted to Islam.

The Coast Guard has discounted that theory, as it is well-known that Islam is the Religion of Peace and the Protected Personal Characteristics (PPCs) of Muslims rule them out as suspects.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Santa, the reindeer and the black box have been found resting at the bottom of the Pacific in 5,000 feet of water.

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More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News

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A transcription of the black box has been been provided to the public:

Santa: What the hell?  Rudolph pull up!

Rudolph:  Allahu Akbar!

Donner, Comet and Blitzen:  Allahu Akbar!

Santa:  Pull up!  What are you doing?

Rudolph, Donner, Comet and Blitzen:  Allahu Akbar!

[Sounds on tape of sleigh crashing into Pacific and breaking up]

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Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News

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In light of the tragic events the FBI has announced that they are adding extra agents to investigate possible upticks in Islamophobic violence.

“We may never know the true motives of the reindeer” said Director Christopher Wray.  “But we know it could not be religious in nature. Perhaps white supremacists were behind it.”

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