Manhattan Infidel Presents Your London Parliament Terror Attack Template™

Golly gee what were his motives?

Once again a car has been used as a vehicle of mass destruction in Europe. With the news still fresh the world wonders what could possibly be the attacker’s motive.

Keeping in mind the need not to speculate until all the facts are in I now give you The Official London Parliament Terror Attack Template™.

A man drove a car into a crowd of people before being shot dead on Parliament grounds.  Why?

  • Who cares. Our first priority is to help the wounded and comfort those whose loved ones died
  • Speculation at this point is wrong
  • Perhaps he was a white supremacist? It’s always the white supremacists.
  • Don’t even think of blaming Islam. It is the religion of peace.

After driving into the crowd he attempted to enter the Parliament building.  Why?

  • Like we said before, speculation at this point is wrong
  • He needed to speak to his MP about how right wing Christians are threatening Europe’s freedom
  • The Parliament building has superior bathrooms
  • It all boils down to Donald Trump and his ties to Russia

The attacker was shot dead. Why?

  • The English police had no choice. They had to prevent further casualties.
  • The English police are white. White people enjoy shooting peoples of color
  • There was a rumor that the attacker was Muslim. European society is racist and hates Muslims
  • The English police were acting under orders from Donald Trump

You mentioned Donald Trump. Was he involved?

  • Are you really that naive?
  • Americans love war, power and violence. Why wouldn’t he be involved?
  • Trump is Hitler!
  • It all connects!  Trump, Russia and the attack in London

What can we do to bring Donald Trump to justice?

  • Vote Democratic
  • We, the decent globalist people of the world, must have Trump arrested. Until that day we are all at risk from this madman
  • Violence is not in and of itself bad. It depends on who is on the receiving end of the violence.  Hint hint.
  • Join forces with the Religion of Peace™.  Only by praying to Allah will we be free of the menace posed by Trump

Yes, readers, I strive to present the facts and only the facts: Trump caused the terror attack!

(1)

0 Comments

Seven of Nine Cancels eHarmony Account!

Human dating rituals are complex!

Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One, currently stationed on board the Starship Voyager, has decided to end her brief foray into human dating rituals and has cancelled her eHarmony account.

“Human mating is more complex than I envisioned” said Seven.

When I was in the Borg collective I did not have to worry about hunting for a mate. Mating for the Borg is a collective thing. We as the collective assimilate species. If the species and their technology is appropriate we mate with them. Not so humans. Mating is a chance affair or is left to what humans call “matters of the heart.”  As I am recently disconnected from the Borg and am still learning to be human this has taken some getting used to.

Seven originally had no interest in finding a mate but was encouraged to do so by Captain Janeway

Just grab a man and do it, Seven. That’s what I always do.

who thought it might help her gain insight into what it means to be human.

“At first I tried mating with other crew members” she continued.

But this always led to complications. During sex with Commander Chakotay I would never look him in the eye. I was looking at his tattoo.

Stop looking at my tattoo!

It’s just odd.  He would get self conscious and and lose his ability to procreate. Then he would start crying and tell me that this has never happened before. It would get tense on the bridge after that. So I decided to try finding a mate outside of the crew. That’s when I joined eHarmony.

Despite a promising beginning Seven soon found that the men she was meeting were not up to her standards.

The men would take me out to dinner and then promise to call me later. They never did. I asked Captain Janeway if this was normal. She grabbed a bottle of bourbon and said, “Honey you ain’t seen the half of it.”  And all men it seems are fascinated by their penis and would show me photos of it they had on their communication devices. A former Borg drone needs to be romanced you know. 

It was after one encounter in particular that Seven decided to drop eHarmony.

Things were going well at first. He was articulating in a reasonably intelligent fashion. He seemed interested in my background as a Borg and asked he how they reproduce. I told him it was done in the collective. He assumed I meant group sex and invited some of his fraternity brothers over to join in. I had security remove him from my quarters.

As for her future romantic plans Seven plans to restrict that to encounters with Voyager’s Emergency Medical Hologram.

Please state the nature of your medical emergency

“When he starts getting annoying I just discontinue his program. I like that in a man.”

(3)

New England Patriots to Start All-Female Offensive Line!

Winning is ableism.

The New England Patriots, winners of two of the last three Super Bowls, shocked the NFL today by announcing that they will be starting an all-female offensive line next season.

“We’ve had plenty of success the past few years” said owner Robert Kraft.

And that got me to thinking about toxic male masculinity and ableism. What sort of message are we sending by winning? Aren’t we in face triggering people who aren’t as good as the Patriots? And what about the fact that every member on our team is a man? Surely this is an exclusionary practice. Because of this I have wrestled with my conscience and decided that starting in 2017 the Patriots will be a gender neutral football team.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell praised the Patriots for their spirit of inclusiveness.

What the Patriots are doing is noble. It is a step in the right direction. I have met many times with representatives from women’s groups and they always ask me why does the NFL have to be all-male.  Surely a woman can be just a good a lineman as a 350 pound male? I must agree. Size, strength and ability should not be markers for success. A 135 pound woman with spirit and determination is an equal match for a larger, stronger, more athletic male. I believe that.

With the Patriots moving to an all-female offensive line pressure is mounting on other teams in the NFL to adopt gender-neutral policies. A spokesman for the Denver Broncos said that they are considering hiring a quarterback from the Lingerie Football League.

The Denver Broncos have a long and proud tradition of anti-ableism. Remember we had Tim Tebow as our quarterback. So yeah, we are all about not winning. We feel that having a woman quarterback will send a strong message that Denver does not tolerate the patriarchy. The only question is will she wear a helmet or does she prefer a pussy hat. While a pussy hat may lead to more concussions it is a visible symbol of female equality.

During the Patriots first practice with their all-female offensive line quarterback Tom Brady was injuring and carried off the field with a concussion and 203 broken bones.

“Our new offensive line obviously didn’t do a good enough job of protecting our quarterback” said head coach Bill Belichick.

I think they just were having problems learning our system. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on it. I’m sure the women will be ready by the start of the season. I’m sure they will be. Absolutely. And if we discover that they still cannot protect our quarterback we’ll just fire them and hire different women.  Bill Belichick is all about gender equality.

From his hospital bed where he is recovering, Tom Brady pleaded with New England fans to be patient with their new offensive line.

The women have spirit. And their hearts are in the right places. Mine isn’t anymore because of all my crushed and broken bones. But like I said don’t blame the women. The enemy is ableism and toxic male masculinity.  And as soon as I have a full body transplant I look forward to rejoining the Patriots for the season ahead.

Brady’s only concern was his testicles.

“If they though my balls were deflated before they should see them now” he said before drifting into unconsciousness.

(2)

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Avoids Indictment!

Let me make this perfectly clear. I am not a crook!

Shady New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has avoided indictment on multiple corruption charges, thereby paving the way for his landslide re-election in 2017.

Among the many probes, federal officials were investigating whether de Blasio shook down campaign donors for favors.

Since the evidence was overwhelming that de Blasio (stage name Warren Wilhelm Jr.) did in fact break many laws I contacted prosecutors to ask them why they did not indict. I was able to find one person who would speak to me, albeit anonymously.

MI: Good afternoon. Can you tell me why your office decided not to indict?

AFP (Anonymous Federal Prosecutor):  It’s quite simple really. It was the Clinton Principle.

MI: The what?

AFP: The Clinton Principle.

MI: What is the Clinton Principle?

AFP:  Simply put the Clinton Principle states that while a law or several, or even every law may have been broken, as long as there was no intent there is no crime. And after careful investigation we concluded that Mayor de Blasio was careless but still acted out of the superabundant goodness of his heart and did not intend to break any laws.

MI: The super –

AFP: Yes, the superabundance of good that is his heart.

MI: How does a prosecutor devoted to the rule of law determine what is in someone’s heart?

AFP: We start with a very simple precept: Is this person a Democrat? If so then we give them the benefit of the doubt. Being a Democrat implies that one is a good person.

MI: So being a Democrat means that you are a good person filled with a superabundance of goodness in your heart?

AFP: Yes. It’s basic science. So proceeding from there we decided not to prosecute because it wouldn’t be fair.

MI: It wouldn’t be fair?

AFP: No, Democrats are good people as I said.  And to prosecute them is wrong.

MI: So the rule of law doesn’t apply to Democrats?

AFP:  Technically it does. But that isn’t fair. So we usually don’t prosecute. Why do you think Al Sharpton hasn’t been prosecuted? He’s a good man who didn’t intend to break any tax laws.

MI: But what if de Blasio had been a Republican?

AFP: Oh, then we would have prosecuted.

MI: Why?

AFP: Because Republicans are evil by nature. They are mean people who lack the scientific and legal principle of superabundance of goodness.

MI:  I don’t know what to say.

AFP: We base all our legal decisions on this scientific principle.  Are you a Democrat? If not we’re going to have to look at your tax returns.

MI: Me? Um. Yeah. I’m a Democrat. So very much a Democrat. Totally, totally a Democrat.

AFP: I can tell. You look like you have a superabundance of good in your heart.

MI: That’s me. Anyway I thank you for your time.

AFP: Anything for a fellow superabundant Democrat.

I guess the Clinton Principle pays. For Democrats. Unfortunately this means a second term for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio).

(9)

0 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Ben Affleck’s Sober Coach

I need a drink

With the Oscars come and gone the talk centers on the news that Ben Affleck brought his sober coach to the awards before entering rehab.  I was lucky enough to track down Affleck’s sober coach to ask him about what he does for his clients.

MI: Good afternoon.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel it’s a pleasure to be here.

MI: So tell me about yourself. You are a sober coach?

SC: Yes.

MI: And Ben Affleck is one of your clients?

SC: Yes. Ben contacted me and said he would require my services at the Oscar ceremony.

MI:  And your services are?

SC: I accompany him and make sure he doesn’t drink.

MI: And how exactly do you keep him from drinking?

SC: If I see Ben with a drink in his hand I punch him in the face.

MI: You punch him –

SC:  In the face. Correct. I punch all my clients in the face.

MI: How did you become a sober coach?

SC: Well I’ve always enjoyed punching people in the face but didn’t have the patience to learn how to box. Since boxing was out I needed a way to earn a living punching people in the face.  Being a sober coach offered me a way to do that.

MI: Is there any training involved.

SC: No I just went online and printed out a degree that says I am a certified sober coach.

MI: Did you have to use your training with Ben at the Oscars?

SC: Yes I punched him in the face a couple times. Down he went. Just like Liston.

MI:  A couple of times?

SC: Yes. He’s a drunk. So I punched him.  He started crying “My face. My beautiful Oscar winning face!”

MI: Did you permanently damage his face?

SC: Of course not. His face is his livelihood

MI: What do you do with your uglier clients?

SC: I beat the crap out of them. Break noses, jaws, dislocate eye sockets.

MI: Really?

SC: There ugly. Who cares what they look like.

MI: How much does a sober coach make?

SC: Upwards of $300,000 per year.

MI: $300,000 a year?

SC: There are a lot of people in Hollywood who need to be punched in the face.

MI: Good point.  I’d like to be a sober coach.

SC: You’re not qualified.

MI: What if I go online and download a degree.

SC:That’s different.  Then you’d be wholly qualified to punch actors in the face.

MI: That’s good to know.

Sober Coaching.  I may have a future in this field. God knows there are a lot of actors I’d like to punch in the face.

(7)

My Exclusive Interview with Miley Cyrus

Take me seriously! And look at my tits!

Many people know Miley Cyrus as the pop star sensation and daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus. However what most do not know is that Miss Cyrus is also a political activist. After the election of Donald Trump as president Cyrus was one of many celebrities who threatened to leave the United States.

Unlike most however, she has remained true to her word and renounced her citizenship, moving to the United Kingdom. From my offices in Manhattan and through the miracle of Skype I had the opportunity to interview Miss Cyrus.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Cyrus.

MC: Are you over 40?

MI:   Yes.

MC: Do you still have sex?

MI: Yes.

MC: Eww. Old  people should not have sex.

MI: Let’s discuss your decision to leave America. You have renounced your citizenship and moved.

MC:  Yes. Donald Trump is an abomination and he does abominable things. He opposes the dignity of women and that’s undignified.

MI: The dignity of woman is important to you, isn’t it?

MC: Yes. I’m all about female dignity. By the way have you seen my giant six foot inflatable penis?  I carry it with me everywhere and rub it against my scantily clad body when I’m on stage.

MI: No I haven’t seen it.

MC: Damn. I feel naked without it.

MI: Well you are naked.

MC: Oh right. Like I said I’m all about female dignity. ARE YOU STARING AT MY BREASTS?

MI:  It’s kind of difficult not to. You’re naked.

MC: I did not give you permission to look at my breasts. What makes you think you can look at them?

MI: Um. You’re naked.

MC:  You probably want to see my vagina too. Well, look at it!  Look at my vagina!

[Miley thrusts her vagina up close to her webcam so Manhattan Infidel can get a better look]

MI: No thanks. Kate Blanchett, Emma Watson, Courtney Kardashian, Shallene Woodley and Gwyneth Paltrow have already shown me theirs.

MC: We vagina sisters have got to stick together. Without female dignity we are pawns of the patriarchy.

MI: I see.

MC: But when I walk around naked on stage with my six foot penis and rub that against my body then the Man will be forced to take me seriously.

MI: Anyway I see we’re just about out of time.

MC: Time is a bourgeois construct.

MI:  You don’t even know what that means.

MC: [Pause] Female dignity.

MI: Before I go I have one last question. You left the United States because a Republican won. There are elections every four years. Will you come back to the United States if a Democrat wins?

MC: Wait, there are elections every four years?

MI: Yes.  

MC: But I thought Donald Trump was elected King for life?

MI: No he was elected President for a four-year term.

MC: Four years?

MI: Yes. Every four years we have a presidential election. Sometimes the Democratic candidate loses. Sometimes they win.

MC: Oh. I didn’t know that.

MI: Any last thing you want to say to my readers before I go?

MC: Female dignity!

MI: Right.

MC: Female dignity with a six foot inflatable penis that I rub against my body as people watch.

MI: That makes sense.

And so ended my interview with the icon for female equality and dignity, Miley Cyrus.

(145)

Scotty Asks Enterprise Crew to Refrain From Having Sex in Jefferies Tubes!

Scotty does not like what he sees!

Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer on board the Enterprise, has written a strongly worded memo to his crew mates asking them to “refrain from having relations in my Jefferies Tubes.”

Long known unofficially as “make out central” on board the star ship, Scotty tolerated it as long as it didn’t interfere with his efforts to keep the Enterprise at peak engineering efficiency. All this changed after an incident when the Enterprise nearly disintegrated in orbit over Rigel V.

“There was something on the planet draining our energy and we were losing orbit” said Scotty.

Captain Kirk called me from the planet and said “Scotty…..I need….more…..power!” So I crawled into the Jefferies Tube. It should have been a quick fix but when I got in the tube the controls were crusted over with dry biologicals. And yeah I’m being polite using the phrase biologicals. I mean all over the Jefferies Tube. I felt like I was in a CSI episode. So I wasted almost a half hour chipping and scrubbing away at the biologicals. Kirk calls me again and says “Scotty….power….now!” I had to tell the horny bastard to wait and he’ll get power as soon as I wipe everything off.

Scotty was eventually able to restore power. Enraged by the near-miss he sent a ship-wide email to crew members telling them to “Please have sex elsewhere. The Jefferies Tubes are for official engineering business only!”

The reaction from Enterprise crew has been as expected.

“I always bring women to the Jefferies Tubes” said Commander Spock.

Sure I could just bring Nurse Chapel to my quarters and do the beast with two backs but the Tubes are kinkier. To enhance one’s sexual experience through unusual locations is highly logical. I do not understand Scotty’s objections.

Lieutenant Sulu says he often hangs around in Jefferies Tubes during his time off

Oh my……the anticipation

hoping for random encounters with other male crew members.

The Jefferies Tubes are perfect for this. I just wait and sure enough eventually a man will show up. And, oh my, the action! Okay technically I should not be having sex there but I like the thrill of potentially being caught.

After sending out his memo Scotty has acquired a nickname by the crew:  “The Prude.

Scotty denies being a prude.

Look I’m an old Aberdeen pub crawler and a red blooded male. I know things happen. I know people have sex. Sometimes I have sex. Though I’d rather read a technical manual. But that’s just me. But come on! Last week I went into one of the Jefferies Tubes and Captain Kirk was in there with another green woman. Kirk says “Don’t mind me. Just do what you have to do.” Have you ever tried to reverse the polarity of the ion flow when your captain’s balls are in your face? I don’t need to see that!

Despite his email, Scotty is resigned to the fact that his wishes will probably be ignored.

“Look all I’m asking is bring Handi Wipes with you and clean up when you’re finished. It’s common decency.”

(6)

My Exclusive Interview with Kate Blanchett

Let me tell you about my vagina.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the distinct pleasure of a visit from Oscar award winning actress Kate Blanchett.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Blanchett. It is a pleasure to interview you.  You’ve had a very successful career. Let’s talk about – 

KB: I want to discuss my vagina.

MI: What?

KB: My vagina. My vagina is my manager. My agent. My best friend. My counselor.

MI: Um.

KB: My moral compass is located in my vagina.  Would you like to see my vagina? Talk to it?  Here let me bring it up close to your face.

[Blanchett removes her dress and brings her vagina up closer to Manhattan Infidel’s face]

MI: Lady get your vagina out of my face!  Hey wait a minute did I actually say that?

KB: Feel my moral compass!

[Emma Watson enters] 

My vagina is special!

EW: Manhattan Infidel I’d like to talk about my vagina too!

MI: What the hell?

EW:  I put fur oil on my vagina. It’s an amazing all purpose product.

MI: I don’t need to know this.

EW: But my vagina has never felt better. Here. Feel it

[Emma Watson removes her pants]

KB: No Manhattan Infidel. Touch my vagina before you touch hers!  I’ve won an Oscar. My vagina is more important!

MI: Ladies!  I am a member of the mainstream media. Please let me have my dignity!

[Courtney Kardashian enters] 

I have the shiniest vagina in California

KC: Manhattan Infidel I like to put mayonnaise on my vagina, It really shines it up. Look!

MI: I must say that is a very shiny vagina.

KC: Shiniest vagina on the west coast.

KB & EM: But what about our vaginas?

MI: Sorry. Courtney’s is much shinier.

[Shallene Woodley enters] 

Sunshine on my vagina makes me happy

SW: Manhattan Infidel I like to give my vagina a little vitamin D. 

MI: What?

SW: If you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.

MI: I see. Literally.

KB, EW & KC: Her vagina is not as good as ours.

[Gwyneth Paltrow enters carrying a vacuum cleaner]  

I got steam cleaned!

GP: Manhattan Infidel I like to steam clean my vagina.

MI: Why must you all talk about your vagina?

KB, EW, KC, CW & GP:  We’re actresses.  Look at our vaginas!

[They thrust their vaginas into Manhattan Infidel’s face]

MI: The things I do for my blog.

These events actually happened, As a member of the MSM I never report fake news.

(3)

Greeks Besiege Troy, New York!

The Greeks shall prevail and conquer this town!

The upstate New York town of Troy, New York has been cutoff from the outside world because of a besieging Greek army.

The town, located on the Hudson River about 150 miles north of New York City woke up last week to find ships from Ilium docked in Troy Landing. Greek warriors wearing traditional costumes from the Iron Age rode chariots through the streets.

“This is Troy and we will conquer it, take their horses and become masters of trade in this area” said one of the attackers who goes by the name of Achilles.

Other Greeks rode through town asking for a woman named Helen.

“I want my wife back and I shall get her” said a Greek named Menelaus.

While the besieging Greeks were at first ignored they soon proved themselves to be an annoyance.

“I was on my way to work and a bunch of idiots on chariots started shooting arrows at me” said a city resident.

I drive a Prius you know so my car pretty much tips over whenever there is a wind gust over five miles an hour. So you can imagine I was pretty annoyed at having arrows banging off my car. I was hoping to outrun them but, Prius you know, and they surrounded me and told me to get out of my car. I thought they were going to kill me. They started calling me a Trojan bastard and said they would avenge the kidnapping of some woman named Helen. Hell I don’t know who this Helen woman is so I told them to leave me alone and that I was just trying to get to work. Then I gave them the finger. I would have driven away but, Prius you know, so I called a tow truck.

No one knows for sure why the Greeks have targeted Troy.  Some believe it might be Troy’s city motto, “Ilium fuit. Troja est,” which translates as “Ilium was, Troy is.

“Well hell if that’s all it is then we’ll just change the damn slogan” said Troy’s mayor.  Accordingly the Town Council changed the motto to “Nos es non Schenectady” or “We’re not Schenectady.

This seemed to work as the Greeks departed from Troy landing and were not seen again.

Before leaving they left behind a large Greek horse as a gift to the city.

“We asked them if there were any soldiers inside the horse and they said no” said the mayor.

Having no use for a giant horse it was sold on eBay to a farmer in Rensselaer county who uses it as a scarecrow in his fields.

The Greeks have not been seen since, except for one named Odysseus who appears to be lost and is wandering through every town along the Hudson.

“He’s a bit eccentric. He keeps putting wax in our ears and telling us to tie him to the mast of his ship. Hey, whatever floats your boat” said one person who met him.

(2)

Corleone Crime Family Targeted by PETA!

PETA objects to this cruelty!

Vito Corleone, head of the Corleone crime syndicate, one of the five families of the New York underworld, has gone into hiding after receiving death threats from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

“I have killed people. It’s the line of work I’m in” said the now-hiding godfather.

I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse

But usually there is a business reason to kill people. It’s all very rational. But these PETA people scare me. They are freaks who believe animal life is more important than human life. Look it makes no difference, it don’t make any difference to me what a man does for a living, you understand. But PETA is a little dangerous. They took my son out at the causeway. Shot him up. All because of one lousy movie producer!

The movie producer in question is Jack Woltz (pictured here with his beloved race horse).

Nice horse you got. Shame if something were to happen to it!

After Woltz refused to give Corleone’s godson a role in a new war picture Corleone had the horse’s head cut off and placed in Woltz’s bead as he slept.

“I woke up and there was blood all over my sheets” said Woltz.

I mean lots of blood. At first I was all “Whoa. Did the teen starlet I slept with last night get her period?”  But then I saw that it was the head of my favorite race horse. The greasy Guido bastards cut its head off! The Corleone’s made me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous!  So I went to PETA and they promised to take care of him. If Vito Corleone is in hiding it’s none of my business. I’ve washed my hands of it. I’m a producer and blood is a big expense. More expensive than overtime.

At first Corleone thought he could ride out the storm and deal with PETA. But that was until PETA had Corleone’s henchman Luca Brasi

Luca sleeps with the fishes

brutally murdered.

Luca kept me safe. Safe from my enemies. From bandleaders. From everyone. But then he disappeared and we couldn’t find him. I was getting nervous when PETA delivered Luca’s suit and a fish to my place. It’s an old Sicilian message that means Luca sleeps with the fishes. I tell you these PETA people are crazier than the Irish!

Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, released a statement defending her group’s targeting of Corleone.

When I heard of this outrage I wept for all horses around the world. Couldn’t Corleone have left and Irishman or a Scotsman’s head in Woltz’s bed? That would have been acceptable. But no he murdered a horse! And for that we will hunt him down to the ends of the world to get our revenge!

As for Vito Corleone he remains confident that he will emerge unscathed.

“I left my son Michael in charge while I’m gone. He’s  a good kid. He might make governor or senator one day.”

(6)