Macys’ Thanksgiving Day Parade Debuts New Louis C.K. Float!

Bring a plastic tarp

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Thanksgiving upon us Macys has announced that this year’s famous parade will feature several new floats dubbed “A Salute to Hollywood Legends.”

“While the parade is still popular we wanted to make it more relevant to the younger demographic” said a Macys spokesman.

So we’ll be getting rid of a few floats like the Betty Boop one. I mean she hasn’t been relevant in decades. We want to make the parade “wack.”  I think that’s a phrase the young folk use. We thought of making the new floats have a “Legends of the NFL”  theme but do you know how difficult it is to design a float that kneels during the national anthem? Turns out it’s a lot more difficult than we envisioned. We next tried a “Legends of Hip Hop” theme but again we had engineering hurdles we could not overcome trying to get the tattoos and bullet wounds to look authentic. It was then that we hit upon the Legends of Hollywood theme.

Working round-the-clock with the best engineers that agreed to work as subcontractors 20 floats were designed and made test runs for lucky Macys’ employees.

The first float we rolled out was a tribute to legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. We selected the youngest and most attractive of our employees to handle the float. We also told them that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to sleep with the float. Most seemed willing but we a few malcontents who claimed that the float was guilty of sexual misconduct. By the way we fired the women who slept with the float anyway.

The next float tried out was a Kevin Spacey float.

He’s a popular actor, right? Won a few trophy’s he did. So we rolled him out with a companion underage boy float. That didn’t sit well with some of our more cisgender and binary employees. They said it would send the “wrong message.” Our legal department agreed so we shelved it.

It was when the Louis C.K. float was rolled out that Macys’ management knew they had a winner.

He’s a very talented comedian and who doesn’t like to laugh? We even designed a moving arm that would mimic self-gratification. We were very happy with the test results. Again some of our conservative, Christian employees objected but you know how those people are. They disgust me.

Even some of the liberal employees objected.  One claims she was “traumatized.

I haven’t been this horrified since the time I stumbled upon Teddy Kennedy f*cking a coat check girl in a DC restaurant. I tell you the vision of his fat, milky-white ass thrusting back and forth has prevented me from raising a family all these years. I’m still in therapy.

Despite the objections Macys intends to feature the Louis C.K. float this year.

“Look all I can say to people who may attend is bring along a plastic tarp. You don’t want to be hit by spray” said the spokesman.

(4)

Tragedy Strikes Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots!

Toxic masculinity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robots suffered a stunning blow when the red robot knocked the head off the blue robot.

“I didn’t mean to do that to the blue robot” said the red robot.

He’s a good egg, the blue robot. Though I always thought he was more teal and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue. It’s teal! Where was I? Oh yes, the teal robot. He was a good egg. I liked him. Met his wife and children. And I killed him. Knocked his head right off. Well I hope the crowd sitting at ringside got a good show for their money. They just want blood. They don’t care that someone died. F*cking vultures.

Already there are calls for regulation and testing of rock ’em sock ’em robots.

“To be able to knock someone’s head clear off isn’t normal” said ESPN anchor Jemele Hill.

It speaks of abnormal muscle development we haven’t seen since the heyday of baseball’s steroid crisis. I want the red robot’s urine tested. If robots have urine that is. But he has abnormal strength. He’s probably been juicing to get an edge. And he killed the blue robot because of it. Well, he looks more teal to me and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue! And let’s talk about the rage behind the punch that knocked the head off. That rage reminds me of Bull Connor setting dogs and fire hoses on black marchers. We have to talk about racial inequality and violence against peoples of color. Was the head knocked off the teal robot because of the red robot’s white privilege? Did the election of Donald Trump empower racism? Was the red robot emboldened in his racism by alt-right white supremacists?

Many third-wave feminists blame testosterone.

“This is just so typical of a male-dominated society” said one.

Toxic male masculinity has made me feel unsafe. We need to ban competitive sports and ableism. Why must we have winners and losers? It just leads to incidents like this. Competition is evil. We need a gentler society based on the compassionate principles of socialism. Look at the WNBA. It is an example of what this world can be without testosterone-fueled competition. Do you think we go to those games to watch competition? No. We go to watch ugly lesbians. I’m a lesbian myself but I don’t like looking at pretty lesbians. Prettiness is also ableism. Ugly lesbians are where it’s at.

As for the red robot, he has retired from the ring and renounced competitive sports.

Never again will I kill another robot and say it was just part of the sport. Will it take another death before Congress regulates the world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robot boxing? This is the moral crisis of our age. That and climate change.

He will also pay any funeral expenses for the blue robot.

“It’s the least I can do for his grieving family. And he’s teal dammit!  He’s teal!”

(6)

My Exclusive Interview with Al Franken

I just want to forcibly shove my tongue down your throat. Is that so wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing former comedian, author and current Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken himself.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Franken.

AF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s talk about why you ran for Senator.  Why the transition from comedian to Senator?

AF: I believed our country was heading in the wrong direction and needed a powerful progressive voice in Washington.

MI: Really?

AFOkay you got me. Do you know how much p*ssy senators get?  

MI: More than bloggers?

AF: Definitely. As a senator it’s p*ssy 24 hours a day, p*ssy seven days a week.

MI:Wow.

AF: But let’s not talk about that. I wrote a sketch I want you to participate in.  I just have to rehearse the kissing scene with you.

MI: Um. Kissing scene?

AF: Don’t be so binary. Yes. Now just lean forward and open your mouth while I shove my tongue down your throat.

MI:  I‘m not comfortable with this.

AF: Dammit I am a United States senator and I want to shove my tongue down your throat! I have the power to do this. It’s in the Constitution.

MI:Where?

AF: I don’t know. I’ve never read it actually. But just let me stick my tongue down your throat!

MI: No!

[Sylvester Stallone enters] 

Would you like to have a threesome with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SS: Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuaaaa. Uuuuuuuuu.  Ruuuaaa. Aaaaa.  

AF  What’s he saying?

MI: I don’t know. I think he’s trying to tell us something. Here boy. That’s a good Sylvester Stallone.  What do you want?

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.  Ruuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Uuuuuuu.

MI: Come on boy.  Come on.  Good Sylvester. Tell us what’s wrong.

AF: I think he’s saying he wants to have a threesome with you and his bodyguard.

MI: What?

AF: But he’s not a senator. I’m a senator and I was here first. Just let me stick my tongue down your throat and then you can have a threesome with Stallone.

MI: I’m not doing either.

AF: Oh look. Stallone’s sniffing your crotch. 

SSUuuuuuuuuuu. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

AF: Good Stallone. That’s a good boy.

MI: To hell with both of you. I’m out of here.

[Ohio judge William O’Neill enters] 

Fifty women! Fifty!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WO: Can I join in on the fun?

MI: Who the hell are you?

WO: I’m William O’Neill. I’m running for governor of Ohio. In the last 50 years I was sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females. It ranged from a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland.

MI: Fifty women?

AF: That’s a lot of p*ssy.

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

WO: I’ve gotten  more p*ssy than William McKinley and Benjamin Harrison combined!  Boo yeah!

MI: Why are you telling me this?

WO: Just feel like bragging. Well, I’m out of here.

[He leaves]

AF: My tongue is still waiting.

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

MIBack off Saturday Night Live boy.

And so ended, well, I’m not quite sure what the hell that was.  And if you see Sylvester Stallone tell him to quit digging up my flowers.

(5)

0 Comments

U.S. Army to Lower Standards!

Please try to cut yourself while not on duty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Under pressure to maintain an increasing number of recruits, the U.S. Army announced today that it will now be accepting those with a history of “self-mutilation, bi-polar disorder, depression and drug and alcohol abuse.

“We really didn’t have much of a choice” said Army Chief of Staff General Mark A. Milley.

We’re fighting I don’t know, seven, eight wars overseas. We need more recruits. We tried offering recruitment money but that only went so far. Once people found out that they might die for some reason they didn’t want to sign up. Come on it’s the army. It’s not all shits and giggles and making fun of the Air Force. We even changed our uniform from green to blue because studies found chicks dig men in blue. But we were still below recruitment levels.

With no other options available and needing more troops for useless nation-building it was decided to open recruitment to those who want to die anyway.

Think about it. If you are suicidal then being blown up or shot by Muslims in Africa in some country we are not at war with will sound more attractive. You’ll join and be willing to be sent overseas to die. Granted not to fight the enemies of America but so we can feel good about ourselves.

Already the new policy appears to providing dividends.

Recruitment is way up! We’re going to go about our numbers. We’re even thinking of sending more troops overseas to fight in countries we are not at war with and have no strategic or tactical importance to the United States. Because it’s all about feeling good about ourselves.

However the new policy is not without risks.

Even marijuana use is being allowed now. Because it’s all about numbers. We’ve found that the pot smokers tended to just giggle a lot when we gave them orders. But to be fair, so do most of our recruits. The self-mutilators weren’t much different. Except instead of giggling they just used the bayonet to carve themselves up. But the suicidal ones show great promise. They were more than willing to die overseas in useless wars that have no meaning. I mean isn’t that why the Army exists?  To be entangled in overseas wars?

General Milley also stated that the new policy will be Army policy for the foreseeable future.

Recruitment numbers are way up. We’re even thinking of taking our excess suicidal, pot-smoking, self-mutilating members and start a war with Canada. Canada!  Like that’s a real country. It’s too cold and what the hell is curling anyway?

“Our new policy is compassionate and inclusive” he said. “I mean why should the officers be the only ones who are mutilating themselves or suicidal.”

(11)

Dracula Charged with Sexual Misconduct!

I have no memory of these events and am horrified by these allegations

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eastern European visitor to our land, Count Dracula, has been accused of sexual misconduct by several local women.

“He took inappropriate liberties with me” said Lucy Westenra.

He came to my house every night, sometimes dressed as a wolf, and bit me on my neck. Then he started to drain all the blood from me. I mean I’m a modern, sophisticated, liberated woman but if you’re going to do that you had better marry me. Or give me a role in your next movie. Or we could skip the marriage and just give me a role in your movie. Or we could skip the movie role and you could just give me money. But the point is if you are going to bite me on the neck and suck out all my blood you had better respect me!

The lawyer hired by Miss Westenra is asking for 50 million in emotional damages.

“My client was raped. Maybe not physically but emotionally” he said.

Since the sexual predator Count Dracula bit my client on the neck and drained all the blood from her body she is terrified to go out during daylight. She spends most of her time now prowling the Earth during night stealing children from their homes and dragging them to a nearby cemetery. For what I don’t know but it can’t be good. Eastern Europeans! We should place a travel ban on them or something. Except the Muslims. They are peaceful.

Mina Murray has accused the Count of repeatedly stalking her until she submitted to his advances.

“I thought he was weird” said Murray.

Weird but interesting. He had an exotic Eastern European charm to him. At first I thought he was a Muslim but when I asked him he frowned and said he carries the memories of the abandoned battlefields of his homeland and that he was known as Vlad the Impaler because he liked to impale Muslims on spikes. I didn’t want to judge him. We all have hobbies. I crochet myself. But then he started violating my personal space and saying things like “Mina, to walk with me you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine” and “I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.” Forever? Hello that’s coming on a bit too strong. He also tried to get into my pants by saying “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.”  That line may work on other women but not me!

As for the Eastern European visitor to our shores, Count Dracula

I feel fabulous!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(pictured above in an undated file photo) maintains his innocence.

“I have no memory of these events” he said through his lawyer.

And I am horrified by these allegations. However they have given me courage to address certain aspects of my eternal life. I now choose to live as a gay undead creature of the night.

“I mean seriously” the statement concluded. “People should have figured this out before. Hello? Long hair curled into ringlets and dabbed with scented oils. The top hat and dandy suit.  Colored glasses. I look fabulous!”

(9)

In Crisis Mode, Hollywood Producers Attend “Sexual Harassment Awareness” Workshop

“Just touch it” is no longer acceptable

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reeling from the past few weeks of sexual harassment allegations, producers in Hollywood have banded together to attend a weekend-long intensive seminar on how to spot and avoid sexual harassment in the workplace.

“This is something we have to take seriously” said one producer who attended.

Like everyone else I never thought twice about trapping an actress in my hotel room and having her watch me take a shower before forcing myself upon her. But now everyone is so sensitive. Oh well. I don’t agree with the new climate but we have to adapt to survive. Sexual harassment shall have no place in the new Hollywood, like Christians and conservatives. And post-op transgenders. Now pre-ops can still come to my hotel room and watch me take a shower before I force myself on them. What? Oh, right. Sexual harassment. Old habits die hard I guess.

The seminar began Saturday morning when all producers in attendance had to fill out a questionnaire.

“We had questions on possible scenarios a producer would encounter” said a counselor at the workshop.

For instance the first question was “A 20 year-old would-be actress from the Midwest arrives at your office for an audition. What is the proper course of action for you to take?” Ninety six percent of the producers answered that question with “Bend her over a table and f*ck her in the ass.” I was shocked by this. Frankly I only expected around 65 percent to answer that way. I knew then we had our work cut out for us.

Another exercise involved putting producers together with actresses hired specifically for the seminar to see what the producers did.

Amazingly every producer who was attending took out his penis and masturbated in front of the actress. We weren’t prepared for such a large volume of bodily fluids. We had to move the workshop to another place while the original location was fumigated by a hazmat team.

Saturday night ended with the producers retiring to their rooms.

We told them bring only a toothbrush, toothpaste and a change of clothes. Lights out were at 10 pm. Around 2 am we were awakened by police who said they had gotten reports of noise violations on the producers’ floor. We went up and they had somehow hired strippers. We asked the cops to have the strippers leave. After the strippers left the producers asked the cops to strip for them. I backed away at this point. I didn’t want to know.

On Sunday the producers were asked to write a short essay on why sexual harassment is wrong.

The essays we got were unsatisfactory. Some wrote that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. Others said that sexual harassment is only sexual harassment if you get caught. A few wrote that it’s only sexual harassment if she sees your face when you are bending her over a table and f*cking her in the ass. I had one producer who didn’t write anything. He just pleasured himself and handed in his paper with his biologicals all over it. We flunked them all. 

The workshop ended when the producers left to attend the “world’s largest circle jerk” at Kevin Spacey’s house.

And I thought football players were bad” said the workshop organizer.

(2)

Manhattan Infidel Presents the How the MSM Will Cover the Hillary Clinton-Uranium Scandal Template™

Like I know! Why am I not in jail?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ there are two things that concern us: 1. Bringing the public the truth the official news media will not and 2. Figuring out where to get those Heineken 5 liter kegs. They’re pressurized you know. Oh sure there’s a place in Queens that sells a nice selection of German pilsners in 5 liter kegs but since they don’t come with an internal carbon dioxide canister you have to drink it all within 12-24 hours or the beer goes bad.  I mean that’s not a problem for an alcoholic like me but I like to have options.

Anyway without further adieu I now present how the MSM will cover the mother of scandals: How the Clinton Crime Family (“CCF“) sold 20 percent of our uranium to Russia.

Twenty percent of the United States’ supply of uranium was sold to Russia.  What should I, a member of the MSM, do with this knowledge?

  1. There can be no scandal if it involves Democrats
  2. Omit the facts and blame Trump
  3. Do not cover this at all. Suppress it
  4. OMG did you know Trump’s son met with Ruskies!!!!!

Why was uranium sold to a global rival like Russia?

  1. Why are you asking this question? Do you work for Fox News?
  2. Seriously you must be one of those alt-right white nationalists
  3. Racist!
  4. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is a warm and giving woman. She simply wanted to help an important ally like Russia

Was money from the sale of the uranium used to pay FusionGPS to come up with the discredited “Pee Pee dossier”?

  1. I won’t dignify right wing hatred by answering that question
  2. Discredited?  It is well-known that Donald Trump is a sexual pervert
  3. I mean lots of Democrats like water sports but it’s okay when we do it
  4. I am shocked!  Shocked at these binary, cisgender sexual shenanigans!

Seriously this does sound like a huge story. Shouldn’t we be covering it?

  1. Go back to the hick red state you came from you rube
  2. My wife works for the DNC. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that second income
  3. No. Keep your eye on the prize: Impeaching Donald Trump!
  4. Since when is it the job of the media to cover news?

So to recap how should we handle this?

  1. Ignore it
  2. Go on the offensive and only cover the “Trump colluded with Russia” story
  3. I mean we know it’s fake but we have to embarrass the Republicans some how.
  4. Get our friends at Google to work on their algorithms so that whenever a rube types in “Clinton-Uranium” all the results exonerate her and say there is no scandal

I got it. Ignore the story. I’m glad we’re all in agreement

  1. We know what’s best for America
  2. As a member of the oligarchy our opinions carry more weight than the rubes in Red State America
  3. They are all stupid racists anyway
  4. Sometimes I am so ashamed to live in a country like America. Why can’t we be more like Europe. They are sophisticated!

There you have it readers. Not being a member of the elite MSM I can only present the facts.

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My Exclusive Interview with Louis C.K.

Excuse me while I whip this out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a reporter blogger manic depressive it is always a feather in one’s cap to interview a figure on the front pages. So today I have the honor of interviewing comedian, director, producer and auteur Louis C.K.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. C.K.

LCK: Hey, what’s up?

MI:  It is a pleasure to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours for years.

LCK: Why thank you. That’s a very kind thing to say.

MI :Now you have a new movie coming out.

LCK. Yes. One I’m very proud of. But before I talk about that may I take my penis out?

MI: What?

LCK: May I take it out?

MI: Oh hell why not. We’re all men here and men have to do what men have to do!

LCK:  Exactly!  Men!

[Louis C.K. take his penis out and begins pleasuring himself]

LCK: Women. They just don’t understand how natural and normal it is for a man to take it out.

MI: I know!  In fact I think I’ll take mine out.

[Manhattan Infidel takes his penis out]

LCK Men!

MI: Men!

LCK: Men!

MI: Men!

LCK:  It’s science. Men have to take it out. 

MI: Why are women so anti-science?

LCK: They just don’t understand.

[Caitlyn Jenner enters]  

I used to love taking it out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CJ: Hi guys, what’cha doing?

MI & LCK: Taking it out.

CJ: I used to love doing that. It’s totally normal. May I join you?

MI & LCK: The more the merrier.

CJ: Dammit I forgot. I’m post-op. I have no penis anymore.

MI: You cut your penis off?

CJ: Well technically I had it sliced down the middle and folded in upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

MI: Can’t you just play with your lady parts?

CJ: I can’t. My artificial lady parts have no natural lubrication!  I have no natural lubrication! I’m drier than the Sahara desert and that can cause painful intercourse. I hate you God!

[S/he runs away screaming “I’m drier than the Sahara!”]

MI: That was odd.

LCK: Never slice your penis down the middle and fold it in upon itself. That’s the first thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts

[Chaz Bono enters] 

I want to take it out but I have no penis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI & LCK: Chaz Bono, famous female to male transgender. Chaz what brings you here?  Care to join us as we take it out?

CB: I’d love to but unfortunately I ran out of money before I was able to get a penis

MI: Tough break. What do you do when you want to take it out?

CB:  I’ve fashioned a makeshift penis using some chicken breasts that I duct tape to my body. Unfortunately whenever I do that the cat follows me around and tries to eat my penis.

MI: Ouch.

CB: If you know of anyone with a spare penis have them hit me up.

[Chaz leaves]

MI: Never let a cat eat your penis.

LCK: That’s the second thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

LCK: Do you have any tissues?

MI: On the desk. It’s been fun taking it out with you.

LCK: It’s something all men do. Women just don’t understand.

And that was my interview with Louis C.K.  Women. They just don’t understand science.

(21)

Snoopy Eats Woodstock!

You can’t fight nature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a crime that shocked the tight-knit community of children in this town, Woodstock, beloved bird friend of local beagle Snoopy, was brutally murdered and eaten by his best friend.

“I heard chirping. Not normal chirping but a high pitched scream” said Charlie Brown.

I ran out to see what had happened and I found Woodstock in Snoopy’s mouth. Poor Woodstock appeared to be still alive but I knew he wouldn’t be for long if I didn’t stop Snoopy. So I ran over to him and said “Give me! Give me the bird! Spit it out!” But he wouldn’t. I could hear Woodstock’s flesh ripping. Snoopy tore the bird in two and continued eating. Finally when he was done he spit out a bone and walked away. Cool as a cucumber like he had done nothing wrong. All that was left of Woodstock was his beak and part of a toe. I then called the police and reported the crime.

Police arrived shortly thereafter and cordoned off the crime scene. As curious, frightened and shocked neighbors watched police photographed Woodstock’s remaining body parts and placed them in sterile bags. Snoopy was then put in handcuffs and “perp walked” to a waiting police cruiser.

“You can all suck my canine balls. That is if I still had any” said the unrepentant Snoopy.

“I am shocked” said Peppermint Patty.

Those two seemed inseparable. Snoopy didn’t have to worry about food. Charlie Brown kept him well fed. That was the only thing the blockhead could do right. Why a well-adjusted house pet would do this is beyond me. He was well treated!

Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, theorized that perhaps Snoopy had converted to Islam.

I converted him to our Great Pumpkin religion awhile back. He went to all our meetings. He seemed happy. He used to say that the Great Pumpkin was “the religion of peace.” But then one day I saw him reading the Koran. He stopped going to the Great Pumpkin services. When I asked him why he said I was “an infidel who would either convert to Islam or feel the wrath of the prophet.”  I left the asshole alone after that.

Local musician Schroeder has announced that he has written a concerto, “Lament on the Death of Woodstock.”

It will be a haunting, yet experimental piece.  It’ll start off with my piano, which will symbolize the harmony of nature, and will end with brass playing discordant notes, which of course symbolizes man’s inhumanity to man. Yes I know Woodstock was a bird but cut me some freaking slack. I’m an artist. I make art from pain.

From his jail cell Snoopy has given few clues as to why he committed his crime, saying only that the “time had come.”

I was tired of the man putting a collar on me. My canine brothers shall rise up. I am not a pet for the man. Humans think they are so superior. Yeah, if you are so great let’s see you reach down and lick their balls. Can’t do it, can you? 

He then threw his cigarette on the jail cell floor.

“Snoopy don’t work on Maggie’s farm no more!”

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Manhattan Infidel Presents the Official Why I Voted for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Template™

Roll dem Socialist bones!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well it happened. Despite rising crime, despite rampant corruption, despite a crumbling infrastructure and a subway system that is a mess, Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was re-elected by the good citizens of Gotham. Accordingly I now present another of my award winning hasn’t won jack shit templates. Enjoy!

Why did you vote for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio)?

  1.  I believe he has done an excellent job and deserves four more years
  2. He’s a Democrat. Duh!
  3. I live in the upper west side which is predominantly white and rich. Why wouldn’t I vote for him?
  4. I’m Hispanic and I believe the Democratic party is the best choice if I want to live in a socialist shithole like the one I left in Central America

But hasn’t crime risen under his watch?

  1. I live in the upper west side which is predominantly white and rich. We have no crime
  2. I’m Hispanic. If I don’t sell drugs what am I going to do? It’s not like the white man is going to give me a job
  3. Rise in crime?  I blame Donald Trump
  4. He has a black wife! And she’s a lesbian too! This alone is enough to factor out the rise in crime when I vote.

Come on. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed all the homeless on the street?

  1. You must be a Republican. Only a Republican would take offense to homeless on the street
  2. Yes I’ve noticed them. I blame Trump.
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. I like seeing the homeless on the street. They are gritty and authentic.

What about the corruption scandals that surround Mayor Wilhelm, Jr.?

  1. You’re just trying to distract me from Trump colluding with the Russians!
  2. This is fake news
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. Yes I realize I already said that about socialism but it’s true. So cut the mayor some slack, will you? He’s trying to bring about a socialist workers’ paradise. Inevitably there will be “shortcuts.”

Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. has stated that he wants to eliminate private property and have the State control everything

  1. I live on the upper west side and gave shitloads of money to his campaign so socialism will not affect me
  2. I’m Hispanic and I want my free shit!
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. Seriously. It does. Just ask Venezuela!

But honestly. Why did you vote for the mayor?

  1. I’m a rich, white crony capitalist. His policies won’t affect me
  2. I’m Hispanic and capitalism is a tool of the white man
  3. Donald Trump!
  4. I arrived in this country illegally and don’t speak or understand English. I was told to vote for him to get free shit

Now it all makes sense. The whole thing.

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2 Comments