Yet Another Revised and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™

At least I wasn’t kneeling!







It is that time once again where the probing eyes of Manhattan Infidel expose the malfeasance of our sports heroes.  This time it is Buffalo Bills (technically still the only football team to play in New York State) receiver Zay Jones who was arrested after a bloody, naked argument with his brother.

So without further adieu I now present for your edification another round of the Revised and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™.

You are captured on videotape naked and smashing windows in the hallway of your apartment building. Does this reflect poorly on you?

  1. Can’t a brother live in peace?
  2. Reflect poorly?  I proudly kneeled during the National Anthem!
  3. I wasn’t beating up a woman!
  4. I don’t understand the question. No I mean literally. I read at a 5th grade level

You are being held on 20,000 dollar bail. Will you be able to make bail?

  1. 20,000?  That’s a lot of cocaine. But if I stop snorting for a few days I should be able to afford it
  2. Isn’t that just like the white man?  Always locking a brother up!
  3. If I were white I bet you I’d be able to run around naked breaking windows.
  4. Who needs bail?  I am worshiped as a God in the big house. It’ s not often they get a bona fide NFL player in prison.  Okay so it’s pretty common but they still look upon me as a god.

The Buffalo Bills have issued a statement saying that they are aware of the incident and are gathering more information. Are you cooperating with them?

  1. The National Anthem is racist!
  2. A lot of white people live in Buffalo
  3. Cooperate with them?  When I signed a contract with them I became a slave. I don’t cooperate with massa!
  4. The National Anthem is racist!  What? I already said that? Snow is racist! Lots of snow in Buffalo. Therefore Buffalo is racist!

Ratings declined for the NFL last  year and many feel that the league has lost the support of a sizable number of fans. Could it not be argued that your arrest is not helping the NFL?

  1. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted by all the coke I’m snorting
  2. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted by all the meth I’m using
  3. I didn’t hear the question. I was distracted from punching my girlfriend unconscious in an elevator
  4. I didn’t hear the question. I was shooting someone in the back of the head

There you have it. Remember kids.  Look up to these people. Yay! Go team!


United Airlines Goes After Coveted “We Will Kill Your Dog In-Flight” Niche Market

Fly the dog killing skies!







With the major airline carriers locked in tight competition for your flying dollars many have striven to win so-called “niche or novelty” customers to help ensure profit.

“When we put that dog in the overhead bin I was like ‘Yes! Beat that other airlines’ “ said United’s CEO.

I mean when we dragged that guy off the flight last year I thought that was great. I thought we could build upon that. So I instructed our flight attendants to keep dragging people off airlines.  It’s free publicity and we acquire a brand name. But I got pushback from their union. So ever since then I’ve been searching for a marketing gimmick. I thought perhaps if we just crashed our planes that would do it. But again I got pushback from the unions. That’s when I heard about the dead dog! What a great idea! We can be known as the “animal killing” airline! Dogs are small enough to fit in overhead bins and they aren’t paying customers so screw them. Except for my shih tzu Sparky.  He flies first class on all flights.

After video of the dog being stuffed in an overhead bin went viral United’s CEO convened an emergency meeting of top brass to see how they could keep the momentum going.

We threw around a lot of good ideas. One of my favorite was to behead one passenger per flight. I really liked that idea. We could dress up the flight attendants as World War II Japanese prison guards. Go for a history theme. But then someone mentioned possible pushback from, you guessed it, the unions. 

Once the public beheading option was eliminated the possibility of flying upside down was briefly considered.

I was inspired by that movie with Denzel Washington where he’s the drunk pilot. He’s such a great actor. I was all set to issue an order to fly our entire fleet upside down when you the unions objected. Another great idea down the drain.

Now desperate the idea of killing larger animals was broached.

Sure everyone likes to see a dog die. Who doesn’t? But not enough bang for the buck. What would happen if we tried to shove a giraffe into an overhead bin?  Exactly!  Bang for the buck. Imagine the visual. All the giraffe fleshy pulp seeping out from the bin and dripping on the passengers. That’s what I’m talking about! Soon everyone would want to fly United just to see giraffe pulp. The other airlines wouldn’t stand a chance.

But as with the other ideas this was rejected after lawyers warned of union pushback.  For now United will restrict its animal killing to dogs, cats and the occasional Lithuanian. This policy will remain in effect for the immediate future.

“I just hope dogs don’t have a union. I f*cking hate unions” said the CEO.


My Exclusive Interview With the Most Intelligent and Powerful Woman in America, Her Eminence Hillary Rodham Clinton

White women lost me the election!






A full year and a half after her sinking in the 2016 Presidential election (thanks to Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia) Hillary Rodham Clinton still wants to explain to America why she lost. I am honored that she decided to sit down with me.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. Clinton.

HRC: White women!

MI: Um. What?

HRC: White women lost me the election. These housewife types who do whatever their husband tells them to do. And their white nationalist husbands told them to vote for Russia’s candidate. That’s why I lost! Deplorable white women and their alt-right white nationalist husbands!

MI: White woman do what their white nationalist husbands tell them to do?

HRC: Yes. If you look at the areas I won in the election I won the most forward thinking, progressive areas with the best economies. But the rest of America is nothing but filthy disgusting deplorables.

MI: Gosh, with comments like that it’s a mystery why they didn’t vote for you.

{Mrs. Clinton slips and falls to the floor] 

Nothing to see here move along







MI: Are you okay?

[Mrs. Clinton gets up. Her wrist appears to be fractured]

HRC: I’m fine.

MI: Are you in any pain?

HRC: No. Now where was I? Oh yes. I was talking about how much white people disgust me.

MI: You disgust yourself?

HRC: I’m not following.

MI: You’re white.

HRC: Yes. But rich. That means I am better than most white people.

MI: Naturally.

[Another crash is heard as Mrs. Clinton bumps into a table and falls to the floor. Gashes are seen along her leg] 

Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!









MI: Mrs. Clinton are you sure you’re okay?

HRC:  I told you I’m fine!

[One of Mrs. Clinton’s aides appears carrying blueprints]

Aide:  [Perspiring and trembling] Water… one feet above the ankle. In the knee, in all three holds and in the boiler room six.

MI: When can I continue my interview with Mrs. Clinton?

Aide: That’s five compartments! Hillary Rodham Clinton can stay afloat with the first four compartments breached, but not five!

MI: What are you saying?

Aide: As she goes down by the head, the water will spill over the tops of the bulkheads at E deck from one to the next. Back and back. There’s no stopping it.

MI: Hillary’s pumps… if we opened the doors…

Aide: The pumps buy you time, but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Hillary Rodham Clinton will founder.

MI: But she can’t sink!

HRC: Yeah. I can’t sink!

Aide:  She’s made of iron, Manhattan Infidel! I assure you, she can… and she will. It is a mathematical certainty. In an hour or so, Hillary Rodham Clinton will be lost forever.

HRC: White people!

[Mrs. Clinton snaps in two at her midsection and sinks beneath the carpet.]

MI: Well that was odd. How could Mrs. Clinton sink? She was made with the most modern designs and material.

Aide: I blame Russia.

And so ended my interview with the now-lost Hillary Rodham Clinton.  One day perhaps we may have the technology to discover and explore her wreck.  And build better robots.



Bono Deeply Sorry for Being Bono!

I’m obnoxious but at least I’m not Matt Damon











Shaken by scandals involving his “One” charity that included sexual abuse, name-calling, tax evasion, paying only one percent of its proceeds to charity and workers being forced to do domestic chores for Foundation executives legendary Irish singer Bono apologized to the world.

“I have failed to protect my workers” said Bono.

These allegations have left me reeling and furious. I need to take some responsibility for that. I hate bullying. I can’t stand it. Which is why I am not talking to The Edge anymore. He’s such a bully. Do you know he won’t let me wear any of his felt caps? Not even one. He guards them like they were gold. I said “Come on. I sing your damn songs. The crowd is here to see me not you. Just let me wear one of your caps.” Do you know what he said? “I don’t think so Mr. Hewson.” Mr. Hewson? No one has called me that since my dad. I started crying. He’s so mean. So yeah, I hate bullying and won’t stand for it. I mean domestic chores? I don’t even ask my household staff to do that. No that’s what I have a wife for.

Bono then addressed allegations of sexual abuse at his charity.

I’m against sexual abuse of any form. I’ve been on tour around the world and I’ve had thousands of groupies. Thousands. And hundreds of venereal diseases but that’s beside the point. Anyway before I allow the groupies onto the tour bus and have them hang from the sex swing I have them sign a release form stating that any and all sexual acts resulting in welts, bumps, bruises or accidental amputations are consensual. And if they sign a form saying it’s consensual it’s not abuse. And most of them are happy to sign the form seeing as they might not get a chance to sign anything again, what with the amputations and such. By the way anyone know how to get fleshy pulp stains out of a sex swing?  The swing is microfiber not leather and the stains really dig deep in.

But what distressed Bono the most were reports that his One Foundation only gave one percent of its proceeds to charity.

This is just like the conservative press. They are always trying to blacken my name. I blame Donald Trump. Why should it be thought scandalous if my One Foundation only gives one percent to charity? It’s called the One Foundation for a reason. If I wanted to give two percent I’d name it the Two Foundation. If I wanted to give ten percent I’d name it the Ten Foundation. If I wanted to give 25 percent – no wait that’s just crazy talk. So leave me alone will you. It’s the One Foundation. Do the math people.

Bono closed out his apology by stating that his foundation had many unexpected expenses.

“Do you know how much a sex swing costs. A good one. Classy and all. Not trashy like the ones Larry Mullen Jr. uses. He’s a drummer you know and they are all low class.”


Matt Damon to Move to Australia; Australia Retaliates by Breaking Off Diplomatic Relations with United States!

Maaaattt Daaaaaaaaaamon!









A special session of the United Nations has been called after Australia announced that it would recall its ambassador and break off relations with the United States.

“This is the biggest threat to Australian-US relations since Crocodile Dundee II bombed at the box office” said Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull.

Australia has been a traditional ally of the United States for over a century. We have stood by them and fought wars with them. World War I, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, The first and second Gulf wars, the war between the Czech Republic and Germany. What? It hasn’t started yet? Never mind. But my point remains. We are the United States closest ally and this is how they repay us? By exporting their Hollywood trash? I want to punch Matt Damon in the face. Australia is united in wanting to punch Matt Damon in the face. Yes, even the aborigines wan to punch him in the face. If Hollywood wants to export their talent then send us Michelle Pfeiffer or Linda Fiorentino. Australia will not take Matt Damon lying down!

The UN security council has voted to sanction and reprimand the United States for Matt Damon.

The President of the Security Council, the representative from the Netherlands, has said that peace is the top priority of the UN.

“Peace is our top priority” he said.

Okay peace is our second priority. Our top priority is raping locals in countries we go to. But you didn’t hear that from me. Well I guess you did hear it from me. But back to peace. We all want peace. We demand the United States stop Matt Damon from violating Australian sovereignty. Speaking of violating we do that a lot in countries we go to. But you didn’t hear that from – son of a bitch there I go again.

The President of the Australian Society of Boxing Kangaroos (pictured here)

Bro we will box the shit out of you!









states that they are prepared for a Matt Damon incursion.

Just let that Hollywood crybaby come here. We will deal with the threat. Has Damon ever battled someone strong and masculine who could knock him out? Besides Minnie Driver I mean. We will crush him and he will return to Hollywood bruised and battered as an NFL wife.

President Trump weighed in on the controversy and encouraged Damon to move down under.

If he moves that means I won’t have to punch him in the face. I’d like to punch him in the face but I understand there’s a long line of people ahead of me. So let him move to Australia. Then I can concentrate on punching John McCain in the face.

As for the man at the center of the controversy, Damon denies any attempt to stir up trouble between the two countries.

“I’m Matt Damon.  Maaaaaaatt Daaaaaaaaaaamon” he told a reporter.

He was then punched in the face by Minnie Driver.



McGruff the Crime Dog’s Career in Ruins!

Let me sniff your crotch








Beloved law and order personality McGruff the Crime dog has entered rehab after a series of embarrassing incidents that tarnished his previously unsullied reputation.

The problems began for McGruff (real name Sparky} after he led police to 100 pounds of cocaine.

“McGruff just went crazy” said a fellow detective.

He was drooling and before I knew he had dived into the cocaine, ripped it open and was snorting it. Then he started rolling around in it and saying ‘McGruff needs the high to relieve the stress.” I thought he’d OD. His pupils were dilated and his heart was racing. Then he started humping my leg and saying “Cocaine makes McGruff super horny.” Hey look I’m no angel and law enforcement is a stressful job. We all do things to survive we aren’t proud of. I had a captain who collected Easter bunnies and would rub them on his body when he thought no one was looking. So I hushed the incident up. We all cut each other some slack and this was his first time. Or so I thought.

Despite McGruff’s cocaine problem being hushed up things only got worse for him.

“We  had to put him on report. He kept sexually harassing the female officers” said a police HR representative.

Women started complaining that they didn’t like to go out on calls with him.  One women told me that he asked her to drive and then spent the entire time in the passenger seat licking his balls. Right in front of her! He just unbuttoned his trench coat and said “McGruff’s balls got to breathe, baby!” Then he asked her if she wanted to “Lick them and get in on some freaky female detective-dog action.” We brought him in and counseled him that his behavior was not acceptable anymore. He said he was very sorry and started crying. I felt sorry for him so I didn’t put a formal reprimand in his record.

But McGruff didn’t take advantage of the opportunity and continued harassing female detectives.

“One morning McGruff starting humping my leg” said a detective.

I was horrified. I mean yeah sure we’ve always had a flirtatious relationship but I never expected him to try and rape me in front of my colleagues. That’s just not professional. So I screamed “Get off my leg!” He didn’t stop but said “McGruff would crawl across cut glass to hump your sexy ass leg!” Finally the other detectives tasered him and I was able to escape. I feel so violated and non-empowered. It’s like McGruff is my own personal Harvey Weinstein.

Unable to look the other way any further McGruff was suspended by his superiors and told he could only get his job back if he entered rehab.

McGruff has issued a statement apologizing for his actions and promises to come out of rehab a better detective.

“I will get clean and sober. And who knows. I hear rehab has some sweet ass. I intend to hump them all.”


Whiny Pain in the Ass Ignorant Little Shits Too Young to Vote Walk Out of Class!

I’m 16 and know more than you!







Yesterday, March 14th 2018, a date which shall live in infamy, thousands of students across the United States walked out of school to demand rights be taken away from their fellow citizens.

“I’m 16 and my voice shall not be silenced” said one student who walked out of class.

Our generation shall lead. Our generation, which has seen more violence and oppression than any other generation, will fix how the adults have screwed things up. I know this for a fact since my school principal said so and will give me an A if I walk out.

Indeed the theme of oppression seemed to dominate the children’s concerns.

“Last night my mother told me to get off social media and do my homework” said another youngster.

And I was all like “How dare you tell me to do this. What gives you the right to tell me anything!” Fortunately I’m taking a lot of opioids for depression or I would have yelled at her. Instead I took my mother’s wife’s gun and shot the neighbors dog. But we have to ban guns totally! Except for the ones my mother’s wife owns.

Besides oppression many students mentioned how they don’t feel safe.

“I was at that school in Florida” one student who was interviewed said.

I’m a student there. I’ve been a high school student there the last seven years so that give me moral authority. I just don’t feel safe there. There are no designated safe zones at the high school. No couches where we can faint on. No teddy bears or soft music. We demand these. It will help make us stronger. I hope to go on to college and major in lesbian theory and get a job as a diversity executive at a fortune 500 company. But I can’t do any of this if I don’t feel safe. In fact the only time I feel safe is when I’m sleeping with my teacher.

One student interviewed blamed the NRA.

They are a terrorist organization, worse than the Jews or the Catholic Church. The AR 15 is a weapon of war. The second amendment needs to go. Only the police and SWAT teams from the EPA should have guns.  I watched a documentary on PBS once so I know that the public should be disarmed.

But perhaps the most eloquent spokesman of the walkout was this 15-year old:

Just last month I was eating Tide pods and now my generation will disarm America! And the sooner we disarm America the better because once no one has guns I will feel safer and when I feel safe that will give me more time to send dick pics to the cheerleaders. Unlike self-defense sex is a right we all deserve!

Many students at yesterday’s protests vowed not stop at repealing the 2nd amendment.

“We need to repeal the third amendment next. Only with heavily armed soldiers in everyone’s homes will our nation truly be free” said a victim of the Parkland shooting.



Special Forces Veteran John Rambo Sued by the Town of Hope, Washington!

If only America had stricter gun control laws the destruction caused by Rambo would not happen!






John Rambo has been sued by Hope, Washington after his late rampage destroyed the town’s sheriff’s office and much of the downtown business district.

“We are a small peaceful town that likes a small peaceful existence” said Hope’s mayor.

And then this Rambo character shows up. Sheriff Teasle told me that he arrested Rambo for vagrancy and put him in our jail. Well that’s his job.  We don’t know Rambo from shinola. All we know is that he had long hair and looked slightly Italian. This is a progressive town and we tolerate long hairs but to have Italians walking the streets with impunity only invites more Italians. And before you know it the entire town will be overrun. It’s like a few years back when an Irishman was spotted in town. We tarred and feathered him and ran him out of town. Because you don’t want ethnic types like the Irish running around. I said at the time if we don’t take a strong stand on the Irish next we’ll have to worry about Italians. Looks like I was right. It could be worse. At least no Latvians have shown up. Damn Eastern Europeans.

“This is all Rambo’s fault” said Sheriff Teasle from the hospital bed where he was recovering from wounds inflicted after Rambo shot him with an M60 and he fell through a skylight.

I just wanted him to respect the law. That’s why I arrested him in the first place. What makes American society so great is we are a nation of laws. And law. And without law we’ll have chaos. And Italians. And no one wants that. I demand justice!  I mean sure I could have let him go with a fine but that permissive approach to law and order only invites destruction. Kind of like how Rambo destroyed our downtown business district. I blame toxic male masculinity personally. What we need in this town is women to run everything. 

The rampage and destruction caused by Rambo was covered live by CNN, which broke into regular programming to cover the latest example of gun violence in America.

“I’m here in the town of Hope, Washington where there has been another case of gun violence in our divided country” said reporter Jake Tapper.

At this point we don’t know Rambo’s motives and we don’t want to speculate but could he possibly be using opioids? Is he upset over Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election? Is he Italian? What we do know is he is in possession of an M60 assault machine gun. A weapon of war and an automatic rifle which may or may not have a bump stock. I just want to take this opportunity to damn our founding fathers for giving us the second amendment. God damn this second amendment. God damn white men and God damn the United States of America!


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


After seeing CNN’s rating rise because of their coverage of Rambo’s gun violence CNN announced a development deal with John Rambo.

“We bailed him out and paid the damages to the town” said President and CEO Jeff Zucker.

“In return John Rambo has agreed to work with us. We are hoping he will bring his special insight to our network. He has also promised to go on more gun-based rampages, which we of course will cover exclusively here at CNN, the most trusted name in news.”


Santa v Easter Bunny: Dawn of Justice!

Hijo de punta!









Big screen adaptations of Comics are all the rage now and with Easter just three weeks away I thought it was time to go see the latest movie in that genre:  Santa v Easter Bunny: Dawn of Justice.

Much like Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice the movie focuses on two heroes and the inevitable clash between them. I found the movie to be highly enjoyable and a new spin on two of our favorites.

Without giving too much away I will give the basic plot of the movie and offer a brief scene from the climatic duel at the end.

Santa has become a controversial figure.  The Easter Bunny, who resents Santa’s white privilege, feels that Santa is an existential threat to society and decides to take him down. Eventually they have a huge fight to decide dominance. Santa, using his superior fire power, battles the underdog Easter Bunny to the death.

EB: Prepare to die Santa. The world will be a better place without you.

SC: You disgust me Easter Bunny. You are puny and pathetic!

EB: Yeah well at least I don’t hide behind my white privilege!

SC: White what?  What the hell are you talking about?

EB: You know what I mean, whitey! You can go anywhere in the world and break into homes, eat their milk and cookies and no one objects. Do you know why?  Because you’re white! What do you think would happen if I tried that? I’m Puerto Rican you know!  Do you think white people would let me into their homes?

SC: No. But then again you probably have at least one knife on you.

EB: That’s a racial slur!  Take it back or I’ll cut you with my knife, hijo de puta!

SC: Your knife is no match for my AR-15!

[From Santa’s sleigh Rudolph throws Santa the AR-15]

EB: What the hell? No one needs an AR-15! It’s a weapon of war.

SC: But I use it for hunting, self-defense and shooting down armed Hispanics.

[The Easter Bunny throws his knife on the ground]

EB: Don’t shoot!  Don’t shoot!

[The Easter Bunny runs away]

SC: Yeah you better run!

[Police arrive on the scene]

Policeman: Santa are you okay?

SC: I’m fine. Thank god you arrived.

Policeman:We white people have to look out for each other.

SC: I appreciate it.

Policeman: Who attacked you? Where did he go?

SC:  It was the Easter Bunny!

Policeman: Alright everybody we are looking for the Easter Bunny. He’s Hispanic so watch out. He probably has at least one knife on him!

[The policeman leave. Shots are heard off screen]

SC: So long Easter Bunny!

[The policeman return]

Policeman: We got him. He tried to surrender but you know how their kind is so we shot him 67 times.   And look what he had on him. It’s a reefer cigarette!

SC: You did the right thing. You know how Hispanics are when they are all hopped up on reefer.

Policeman: I’m just glad we were able to help. Society has the right to defend itself from the lower races.

SC: Damn right. And you’ll all have a little something extra in your stocking this Christmas.

I recommend going to see it. Now some claim that it’s controversial and anti-people of color. But I never noticed such a message in the movie.


Katy Perry Kills Nun!

Don’t mess with Katy Perry!









Tragedy struck the pop world as Katy Perry, beloved by millions the world over for kissing girls, roaring and a curious left shark, killed a nun in broad daylight.

The singer had been engaged in a protracted court battle with The Sisters of The Most Holy and Immaculate Heart of The Blessed Virgin Mary over the sale of the Order’s convent in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles.

The 89-year old nun, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman’s last words before her death regarding the court case and Perry’s wish to buy the convent were “To Katy Perry, please stop. “It’s not doing anyone any good except hurting a lot of people.”

Upon hearing this Perry, who inspires fear and terror among all she meets, allegedly vowed to “Crush the sister like I crushed [Russell] Brand”. a reference to her ex-husband who is currently in hiding.

When the nun appeared in court Perry leaped onto a table and shouted “Hey sister, I kissed a girl and I liked it.”

Sister Holzman was immediately stricken and clutched her chest before collapsing dead in front of the startled courtroom. Perry then made her escape through a skylight while shouting “Don’t mess with Perry! I always get what I want! Except for Hillary Clinton winning the Presidency.”

Strangely this wasn’t the first time a recording artist has been responsible for the death of a religious figure. In 1967 while on tour in America The Who’s Keith Moon raped and murdered a Methodist minister in Knoxville, Tennessee.  In 1971 Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page ate a Presbyterian elder.

“I gain strength by eating my enemies” Page said at the time.

Both cases were settled out of court for significant cash settlements.

After the Page cannibalism a truce of sorts existed between religious figures and rock musicians. This shaky truce was tested during the heyday of the band Creed.

“Religious figures actually paid people to kill Scott Stapp” according to a reporter for the Catholic News Agency.

It became something of a competition to see who would pay the most and take credit for the assassination. Millions of dollars changed hands. But Stapp must have some deal worked out with the devil. Or he’s the reincarnation of Rasputin because all our attempts failed. Not that Catholics believe in reincarnation. I don’t know about those Episcopalians though. Bastards that they are.

Many now fear that Perry’s actions mean a new war between rock and religion. The Who have cancelled their upcoming tour of America and Pete Townshend has gone into hiding.

“They still hate us for the Moon incident. I’ve even had to disguise my nose as a flag pole so the bastards can’t find me” said the frightened guitarist.

When asked if the Trump administration might intervene and negotiate a truce between the two warring factions Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said it would not be possible.

Look we have a lot on our plate now. We’ve just begun talking to Kim Jong-un and while he might be crazy as a bed bug at least he’s rational some of the time. You can’t say the same about rock stars. Let’s use David Crosby as an example.You ever try negotiating with David Crosby? It’s like trying to move your bowels at 65 years of age when you have an all red meat diet and haven’t had a salad since the 1980s. Nothing but straining, blood, confusion and bitter disappointment.

Meanwhile Katy Perry has been spotted buying assault rifles.

“Cry havoc and I kissed the dogs of war and I liked it” she told a reporter.