Peter Rabbit is Dead!

Put me down! My back is very fragile

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Local anthropomorphic animal Peter Rabbit is dead.

“My daughter wanted a pet to replace the cat we gave back to the shelter” said the little girl’s father.

Yeah I know what you’re saying. Why did I return the cat? It kept peeing all over the bed! When I was sleeping in it! You try waking up to cat urine-soaked bed sheets. But anyway we needed another pet to keep the brat happy. A dog was out of the question because I didn’t want to walk the damn thing in the middle of winter picking up its poop. But then I saw a rabbit hole in the back yard. So I looked inside the hole and I saw this rabbit wearing human clothing. He waved at me and said “Hello. My name is Peter. Peter Rabbit.”  I was surprised to say the least since Peter is such an unusual name for a rabbit. I thought he’d make a good pet. I asked him if he’ d like to live in my house. I even told him I have Netflix and we could watch Game of Thrones together. He said no. That’s when I hit him over the head and grabbed him.

Peter Rabbit woke up inside a cage in the daughter’s bedroom.

I could hear him saying “Hello. Anyone? Can I be let out? I won’t tell the police. I just want to go back to my house to live with my widowed mother Mrs. Josephine Rabbit and her sisters Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton tail. They might be worried about me. Hello? I don’t like cages.” I kind of felt sorry for him but I was watching Game of Thrones and couldn’t be bothered. Besides, my daughter needed a pet.

Despite Peter’s anguished cries he did not appear to be in any immediate danger.

But then then the daughter came home from school.

I told my daughter she had a new pet in her room. She was so happy she didn’t even stop to ask me what was happening on Game of Thrones. Whatever. Kids. Anyway she went up right to her room. I guess she must have tried to pick him up because I heard Peter screaming “No! No don’t. My bones are very fragile.” Then I heard popping, snapping noises. My daughter yelled “Come quick daddy. Peter is hurt.”  Though she really should have said “come quickly.”  Proper grammar is a passion with me. That and Game of Thrones. Anyway I get up to her room and Peter is lying on the floor. I think my daughter must have accidentally snapped his neck. Oh well. Nothing I could do at this point so we buried him in his back yard. I went out of my way to be sensitive. I even went to his rabbit hole and said “Hey Mrs. Josephine Rabbit. My daughter killed your son. Snapped his neck and we are going to bury him now. You’re invited.” I think she appreciated the gesture though during the burial she kept crying and calling me a “Human son of a bitch.” Women are so emotional you know.

After the burial the man went to the pet store to buy his daughter a new pet.

“Hermit crabs. All she has to do is water them. I don’t see how the little brat can kill them.”

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Tragedy at Pussy Hat March: Stampede Caused by Mouse Kills Hundreds!

I demand you stop looking at my pussy hat and look at my pussy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 2018 Pussy March for Pussy Equality got off to a festive start in New York City over the weekend as hundreds of thousands tens of thousand thousands hundreds of marchers gathered to protest the election of the man who is literally Hitler, Donald Trump.

“Hey ho this is my pussy hat. Patriarchy has got to go” chanted the fashionable upper middle class, middle aged, overweight white lesbians who marched for equality.

Many marchers held signs that read “Stop looking at my pussy hat and look at my pussy!”

Others, not content to simply wear pussy hats dressed as giant vaginas.

“I’m dressed as a vagina to show that women should be taken seriously” said one lesbian.

Look at me! Take me seriously!

And until men take me seriously. Until men realize that women are strong, I will continue to wear this pussy outfit and seek shelter in a safe space when confronted with thoughts I do not like.

Indeed it seemed like the spirit of the 1960s was alive and well again.

That is until tragedy struck.

Approximately an hour into the Pussy Hat March Opposed to the Man Who is Literally Hitler, Donald Trump, a mouse was spotted along the parade route.

As the three-inch long white field mouse darted across the avenue the Pussy Hat marchers froze in terror, unsure what to do next.

Then as if it were alive, a wave of panic spread through the marchers and screams could be heard throughout Manhattan.

Then the panic became complete as the hundreds of thousands tens of thousands thousands hundreds of marchers turned and ran in the opposite direction.

Fatter slower marchers were trampled in the panic.

Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry looked at the mass of people being trampled and suffocating and immediately called their agent, demanding payment.

“Trampling people to death is a Who trademark” said Daltry.

“I agree with Roger. I think. I’m partially deaf so I didn’t quite make out what he said” Townsend seconded.

The normally patriarchal NYPD, perhaps out of sympathy with the Pussy Hat marchers and to express their rage at the man who is literally Hitler, Donald Trump, cornered the mouse that caused the stampede and arrested it.

Angry women tried to throw their menstrual blood at the mouse, but the quick thinking NYPD surrounded him and was able to perp walk him to the precinct.

The mouse was questioned for hours by detectives before being charged with a Hate Crime in the First Degree.

The Commissioner of the NYPD, James P. O’Neill, held a press conference where he reaffirmed that hate has no place in New York City.

“This mouse belongs to another time” he told reporters.

A backward time. A time of hatred and oppression. You know, the 1950s. I don’t know what his motives were. Perhaps he wanted to distract us from Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia. But we have arrested him, have charged him and will prosecute this mouse to the fullest extent of the law!

In Washington D.C. Donald Trump denied ordering the mouse to disrupt the Pussy Hat march.

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller is rumored to be interested in issuing a subpoena for the mouse.

CNN will preempt regular programming tonight for a special entitled “The Man Who is Literally Hitler, Donald Trump and the Mouse He Hired to Kill Pussy, Possibly With Russian Money.”

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Manhattan Infidel Examines 2020 Democratic Presidential Hopeful Oprah Winfrey!

When I am president everyone gets a free car!

 

 

 

 

 

 

It may seem like a long time away, but the Presidential election of 2020 is just around the corner. As a service to my readers reader  guy who stumbled upon the blog looking for porn I am going to examine the pros and cons of each candidate. Today I shall examine Oprah Winfrey!

Pros

  • Oprah is one of the most famous people on the Earth. Even more famous than Bono and the kid who is the lead singer in the Kars for Kids commercial.  This makes her a familiar and known presence to potential voters.
  • She is black. 
  • She is a woman (albeit binary)
  • She is on television. And as has been scientifically proven if you are on television this means you the smart, important and deserve our vote.
  • She has lived in Chicago for many years and has not been shot. If she can dodge bullets she should be able to dodge potentially embarrassing questions thrown at her by the press.
  • Is well-known by many Hollywood movers and shakers such as Harvey Weinstein. And if it’s one thing middle America looks to for moral guidance it’s Hollywood.
  • Can snap a grizzly bear’s neck with her thighs.
  • Was the United States arm wrestling champion for three years in a row in the mid 2000s.
  • Stopped the invasion of Earth by the Klingon Empire because she is the only human Klingons fear.
  • Can appear in many places at once.
  • May be the daughter of God.

Cons

  • While a woman she has a vagina and appears to have been born that way. This makes her transphobic.
  • Every seven years suffers through the Pon Farr. This will be a disadvantage during her presidency.
  • As a natural black person she self-identifies as black. And sure that’s great and all but if she were a white woman who self-identified as black that would be so much better.
  • Never defeated the Kobayashi Maru test while at Star Fleet Academy.
  • Has killed 125 homeless vagrants and keeps their bodies in her crawl space. Note: This is unverified but I got the information from Fusion GPS.
  • Shot the sheriff but did not shoot the deputy Note: Also unverified. The Fusion GPS dossier I have believes she also shot the deputy.
  • Likes to cheat on her diet by eating small children. By eating small children she may lose the vegan vote.

As you can see Winfrey has significant positives as well as significant negatives. I leave it to my readers to make up their minds about a possible Oprah Winfrey presidency.

Just be careful if you go to one of her rallies. She might eat your child instead of kissing it.

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Second False Alert of Week Has Hawaii (Well Technically the Hawaiian Islands) on Edge!

An employee was triggered and pushed the wrong button

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just days after a false alarm about an incoming intercontinental ballistic missile, Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) was put on edge by another alarm sent out by the state’s Emergency Management Agency stating that a Republican had been sited and that people should seek shelter.

At approximately 8 am yesterday morning cell phones on Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) received the following alert:

Emergency Alert

There has been a Republican spotted in Hawaii

(Well technically the Hawaiian islands)

Seek immediate shelter

This is not a drill!

The alert started a mass panic in the solidly blue state.

“What the hell do we do?” screamed one woman as she threw herself on top of her children.

A missile from North Korea I am not afraid of. After all North Korea is a socialist nation and they only seek to live in peace with the world. It’s that damn Trump’s fault for riling him up. But a Republican being spotted in Hawaii?  Well technically the Hawaiian islands. There is no defense against this alt-right white nationalist hatred. I don’t mind dying and I will gladly sacrifice my life so my children can live in the purity of their leftist theology, untouched by capitalism or nationalism.

Many sought shelter in basements and tunnels. Several of Hawaii’s (well technically the Hawaiian islands’) tunnels were filled with cars.  Occupants of the cars joined hands and sang  Kumbaya.

“If this is going to be the end then this is how we Hawaiians’ (well technically we Hawaiian islanders) will go” said one.

The forces of hatred may have come to our shores but we will show the world that love trumps hate. Love will win over alt-right white nationalist Republicans. We will not bow before them. I mean sure right now we’re all huddled in a tunnel seeking safety but that’s just a technicality. Once this Republican has been arrested, beaten and contained in some sort of bunker away from the populace we shall come out and rejoice that love has once again won.

Some residents questioned how a Republican was allowed to enter Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) and called for stricter immigration rules.

“We Hawaiians are an inclusive people” stated one man as he placed his children in a manhole for protection.

We believe in open borders. But having said that there must be some common sense rules. If we start allowing Republicans into Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) then our quality of life will deteriorate. Instead of living in a socialist workers’s paradise where everyone is equal we will be transformed into a capitalist shithole. And no one wants that. So to recap. Open borders yes. Republicans no.

As for the false alert the Governor of Hawaii (well technically the Hawaiian islands) blames human error.

“An employee pushed the wrong button. But we are taking steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again. We have placed a yellow stick it note on the button that says ‘Do not push.’ We were hoping to put a plastic case around the button but we are already 50 billion in debt and Trump won’t give us more money.”

(9)

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Shithole Countries Demand President Trump Apologize!

What a shithole!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As outrage around the world grows, a consortium of shithole countries has formally requested that President Trump apologize for his comments.

“We demand this racist, evil person apologize” said the President of Haiti.

We will not have our shithole status denigrated by a country with a much higher standard of living and lower crime rate. We, the representatives of the  shitholes of the world demand our shitholeness be respected. Does the racist Trump understand the many advantages of being a shithole? You people in America pay so much for rent. And clean running water and flush toilets? Who needs those? Our shithole residents in our shithole countries pay next to nothing in rent. Pennies really. Which is good since they only make a dollar a week. And we are tougher than Americans. We drink the water from the same source our feces come from. It’s a mark, a proud mark, of what makes us shitholes. And you Americans are so afraid of violent crime. Do you know what our official tourism slogan is?  “Come for the cholera. Stay for the gang rape.”

Next up the President of Somalia spoke via satellite phone from a tanker he had just hijacked.

Somalians resent this white man calling our country a shithole. As the President of Somalia I am proud of the many programs we have in our country to help our young people find careers. Did you know we lead the world in the hijacking of ships? Did you? I don’t think so. I am proud of the fact that so many of our young, male Somalians pick themselves off the street to learn the valuable trade of cargo ship hijacking. I have had many of them tell me nothing beats the thrill of chasing a tanker on the open water. Hollywood might even make a movie about you. Does Hollywood make movies about coal miners in Appalachia? No. But our tanker hijackers have captured the imagination of Hollywood. Yes I know they have asked us to open the hijacking field to Somalian women but in our defense that isn’t possible. Many Somalian women are too weak to become tanker pirates. Especially after their botched clitoral circumcision.

Finally the President of Guatemala spoke eloquently of the struggle to maintain their shithole status.

Every year we lose our best MS-13 gang members to emigration to America. They bring their knowledge of torture methods to the United States. Is this not cultural appropriation? Shouldn’t the United States apologize to us? Do not scoff at our desire to retain our violent gang lords. If you are 12 and recruited by one of our gangs you learn discipline, obedience, a can-do attitude and torture methods not seen since the middle ages. Tell me again why our country is a shithole, Mr. Trump? We’re not the shithole. The United States is the shithole. And we disdain your cheese. You make crappy cheese. Not like the French or the Swiss.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, press spokesperson for President Trump, has said that no apology will be forthcoming.

“They want an apology? What a bunch of shitholes.”

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Snow White Accuses Seven Dwarfs of “Binary Infringement”!

This can only lead to rape!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snow White filed a lawsuit against the seven dwarfs from the woods, accusing them of “White male gazing” and engaging in lewd conduct including touching and self-pleasuring upon her sleeping body.

“I was asleep for one year. I can only imagine what those dwarfs did to my young, supple, white body” said Ms. White.

I was on the run from the Queen, who though trying to kill me, I still respected. She was a lesbian you see and she taught me never to trust the white man. I admired the way she was fighting back against the patriarchal power structure. Well I found this cabin and went to sleep in it. When I awoke seven white men were leering at me. I’ve heard of the white male gaze before but never experienced it in all its frightening fury. I fought off the dwarfs to the best of my ability. Then I remember getting sleepy. I awoke a year later.

Ms. White states that the dwarfs placed her inside a clear case so they could white male gaze her.

Why else would they do this if it weren’t to satiate their sexual desire. When I awoke I found the glass case crusted over with a sticky liquid. I bet they were masturbating while looking at me. Without my consent!

Ms. White further accuses the dwarfs of opening the case on several occasions to “paw” at her body.

They put me in the case. They certainly had the ability to open the case. When I awoke my bra was unsnapped and my dress was up over my stomach. Don’t tell me that happened naturally! I feel sick! I feel abused!  You know I used to alternate between men and women for lovers but now I’m totally sticking with women. Hey does anyone know if Joan Baez is single?

As for the dwarfs five of the seven have admitted to misconduct and are willing to pay monetary damages for pain inflicted upon Ms. White.

Two of the dwarfs, Bashful and Grumpy, maintain their innocence.

“I never touched her” said Bashful.

I wanted to. The others were. She had a great body. Firm, supple breasts, milky thighs.  But whenever it got to my turn I just got embarrassed and couldn’t do anything. My psychiatrist says I have problems with intimacy.

Grumpy for his part says his high principles prevented him from touching her.

I’ll tell you why Grumpy is grumpy!  Grumpy is grumpy because he has standards of behavior. That’s why I’m always in a bad mood. I’m the only one upholding these standards. You’d be grumpy too if everyone were getting some but you couldn’t because it would be wrong. That’s why I drink so much. Too ease my pain.

As for the prince that awoke Snow White with his kiss, he admits to kissing her but says he only did it as a lark.

“Look I’m gay, alright. But someone said ‘kiss the white girl.’ So I did. But now that I know Snow White has sworn off men I look forward to a deep friendship and doing some really freaky shit with her.”

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Manhattan Interview’s Handy Tips for Landing That Dream Job

Please don’t touch me. I have a human allergy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve all gone on job interviews. Sometimes they go well. Sometime they do not go well. Sometimes you end up asking the HR lady if “she’s into it?

The reality is job interviews are stressful. Granted not as stressful as ending up in the exact change line at a toll booth without exact change. But stressful nonetheless.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we sympathize and as a service to our readers are providing this handy template to help you answer tough job interview questions.

Good  luck. And resist the urge to ask the HR lady if she has lubricant.

You are asked why you left your last position. The proper response is:

  1. I was ready for a new challenge
  2. The company decided to move in a new direction
  3. It was all just a simple misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion
  4. Bitch wouldn’t let me touch her!

You are asked to explain that 18-month gap in your resume. You respond:

  1. It was a tough economic time. I took many temp jobs while going on interviews hoping to get my next position
  2. Sometimes things just work out that way. I did my best and was actively looking for work
  3. 18 months? That must be a typo. I was out of work for 30 months
  4. Prison made me tougher and I learned many valuable skills. Would you like to be my bitch?

You are asked what you are looking for in your next position. The proper response is:

  1. A chance to grow professionally
  2. I want to learn new skills and make myself as valuable as I can to my employer
  3. More money, obviously
  4. I don’t want my internet activity monitored. What do you care if my love of hard-core porn has kept me from establishing emotional bonds with my fellow humans?

You are told that there will be significant overtime and weekend work. What do you say?

  1. Whatever is necessary I will do. I’m all about teamwork
  2. I have personal responsibilities outside of work but of course will always be available to work overtime whenever I can
  3. My last boss asked me to work overtime. I keyed his car
  4. May I dry hump you?

You are asked to provide three references. What do you say?

  1. I anticipated your request and here are my references
  2. Promise to provide references in a future email
  3. None of my former supervisors are currently living. Not that I had anything to do with these mysterious disappearances
  4. Can’t I just give you my porn tape?  I’m very proud of it and it’ll show you my versatility and full range of motion

The interview went well and you are asked when you can start. Your response is:

  1. I’ll have to give two weeks notice at my current job
  2. As soon as you want me
  3. Why are you getting all up in my face about this shit? I’ll show up when I show up
  4. I’m all about leather and am currently riding the roadies’ tour bus for a popular heavy metal band. They might want to use me until at least the first part of the tour. Or until they find someone younger. It’s tough to tell with these guys. I’ll have to get back to you

And there you have it.  Just follow my advice and you will soon have that dream job. Good luck!

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My Exclusive Interview with a Brain Dead, Coked Up, Anorexic, Over the Hill Hollywood Actress

We are smart in Hollywood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the journalistic juggernaut that is taking the world by storm known as Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a brain dead, coked up, anorexic, over the hill Hollywood actress who will rent you her mouth for a job .

Now I realize by using the phrase “brain dead, coked up, anorexic, over the hill Hollywood actress who will rent you her mouth for a job” I am pretty much describing every actress in Hollywood so I’ll narrow it down for you.

It’s Debra Messing.

I need coke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know what you’re saying. Debra Messing?  Wasn’t she famous in the ’90s?

Yes. Apparently she is attempting a comeback with a relaunch of her gay sitcom.  So I now present my exclusive interview with Debra Messing, over the hill 90’s sitcom star.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Messing.

DB: Do you have any free shit for me?  Where’s my swag bag?

MI: I’m sorry?

DB: Listen asshole I’m famous and a condition for me agreeing to talk to a non-famous person is they give me free shit.

MI: I’m sorry. I have no free shit for you.

DB: What about coke?

MI: I have no coke.

DB: Meth?

MI: No meth.

DB: Then why the hell am I talking to you?

MI: Um, publicity for the relaunch of your Will and Grace TV show?

DB: Look pal do you know how much dick I’ve sucked to be the legend I am today? I don’t need any publicity.

MI: Okay then let’s talk about hockey. You recently attended a Ranger game with your son.

DB: I love hockey!

MI: Really?

DB:  No. But I figured it was important I take my son to a hockey game so he can see what non-famous people like.

MI: Non famous?

DB: Yes. The stands were filled with middle and lower class white people. It gave me valuable insight into the mind of the deplorables. I looked around me and I saw 10,000 Trump supporters.

MI:  Did that frighten you?

DB: No. I have bodyguards. Armed bodyguards. Armed bodyguards whose weapons have bump stocks.  It helps me feel safe around commoners.

MI: I see.

DB: And I support gun control.

MI: Naturally. Now back to the hockey game. When the National Anthem was played your son asked you if he could sit to protest and you said yes.

DB: I am proud of my son for setting an example. Naturally I don’t expect alt-right white nationalist hockey fans to agree with me. But as long as my bodyguards who are armed with weapons that have bump stocks protect us from the anger of the deplorables I wasn’t afraid.

MI: You’re very brave.

DB: I know.

MI: Would you like to s* ck my dick?

DB: Are you a producer?

MI: Yes. Yes I am.

[Miss Messing pleasures Manhattan Infidel]

DB: You’re like the 20th load I’ve taken today. There sure are a lot of producers in this town.

MI: With your skill set you’ll go far in this town.

DB: I like acting. It gives me money for coke and meth.

And so ended my interview with the brain dead, over the hill and coked up Hollywood actress. I want to remind my readers to watch the reboot of her 90s sitcom. Before it goes off the air. Probably next week.

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Johnny Appleseed Named Domestic Terrorist!

The face of hate

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dangerous itinerant Swedenborgian missionary John Chapman, aka, “Johnny Appleseed” has been named a domestic terrorist and placed on a no-fly list by the Department of Homeland Security.

“This man is a walking menace” said an official at the Department of Homeland Security.

Why he’s still alive is anyone’s guess. I’m just surprised that righteous Americans haven’t woken up in anger and shot this man. Well, at least in the states where guns haven’t been confiscated. There are so many things this kook is guilty of. For one what’s with the pot on his head. It could be just a weird fashion choice. Or perhaps it’s a signal to schoolkids that he has pot to sell them. And we don’t want our kids smoking pot. It might cloud there brains and confuse them when they are sexually transitioning into any of the 31 recognized genders. And that cult he belongs to. What the hell is a Swedenborgian? A follower of Abba? Perhaps Victor Borge? Whatever it is we at Homeland Security want it stamped out. If we tolerated Swedenborgians today then tomorrow we’ll have to tolerate Lutherans. I suppose they follow Luther Vandross. I don’t know. We really don’t follow religion too closely here at the Department of Homeland Security. That’s not in our wheelhouse. Or primary job is to defend America from foreign and domestic terrorists. And Methodists. Let’s not forget the Methodists.

But perhaps what really put Johnny Appleseed on the Department’s radar was his insistence of planting apple trees across the United States.

We can’t have citizens of this great, free land of ours just walking around wherever they want. He’s been caught trespassing on the King’s property. I mean Federal land. And you know what he did on that land? Planted apple trees. That’s another thing we can’t have people doing in this great, free land of ours. Federal property is to be used exclusively for polluting local waterways. I mean protecting mother Earth.

Many citizens support the Department’s designation of Appleseed as a domestic terrorist.

“The man destroyed my wedding” said one irate citizen.

I had planned this wedding for over a year. I even picked out a dress. And then Appleseed comes into town preaching the glory of apples and planting those damn trees everywhere. I listened to him because he looked harmless. If you can’t trust a man with a pot on his head who can you trust? He didn’t look dangerous or Presbyterian. “Eat apples” he kept saying. “Eat only apples. You’ll feel physically and spiritually healthy.”  So I did. And you know what happened? The day of my wedding I got diarrhea.  Right when I was walking down the aisle. I felt queasy and tried to hold it in but couldn’t. Next thing you know explosive diarrhea everywhere. All over me. All over the dress. All over the wedding party. Hell, all over the walls of the church. People thought a bomb had gone off. I felt so embarrassed I converted and became a Unitarian.

************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 

************************************************************************************************************

John Chapman, aka “Johnny Appleseed” has been shot dead by agents from the Department of Homeland Security.

“I just wanted to wound him” said the agent who shot him.

“But when I walked over to him he was lying on the ground holding up an apple. ‘Eat the apple. The apple is the life’ he told me. I was so enraged by his lack of contrition I pumped a few rounds into his head. I heard those Baptists were weird folk.”

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Social Order in Oregon Breaks Down as Citizens Forced to Pump Their Own Gas!

A typical street scene in Oregon today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With rioting stretching into its second week and basic services such as electricity long since suspended much of Oregon has reverted to the wild, with packs of half-feral Oregonians wandering the streets picking through the rubble of their once-proud cities looking for food.

“Look Daddy, a Cheetos. Can I eat it?” asked one nomad, wearing only a cloth to cover her genitals and going by the pack name of “maack-lot-lot.

The Cheetos in question was actually the severed finger of an Oregonian, no doubt ripped off as the social order broke down.

From Washington DC, President Trump declared that the Federal government was helpless in the face of the widespread looting and cannibalism that had broken out and ordered the borders around Oregon sealed.

“God help us all. And god help anyone still alive in that forsake State” said the President.

The troubles in the former state of Oregon, now known as “The Badlands” began when Governor Kate Brown signed into law a bill requiring Oregonians to pump their own gas. Previously it had been one of two States where this had been illegal.

The breakdown was instantaneous, with many Oregonians refusing to go outside and questioning their belief systems.

“I’ve never pumped gas my entire life” said one.

This sounds like manual labor. We don’t do manual labor in this state. I thought we had evolved beyond that. Manual labor is something the rubes in Idaho and Nevada do. If I’m going to have to pump my own gas then I demand to be paid the prevailing minimum wage of 15 dollars while doing it!

Many Oregonians began stocking up on canned food and shooting anyone that rang their doorbell.

“You’re not taking my 800 pounds of beans you bastards” shouted one man as he fired from his window.

That man in question later killed his wife and children and added them to his baked bean collection.

His story is not unusual.

Soon Oregonians would not travel by daylight, afraid that they’d be easy targets. Instead they’d lay low in caves and coffee bars, sleeping until the sun went down where they’d go out, raping and looting until sunrise.

Sex has replaced the dollar as medium of exchange in The Badlands. Oral sex buys one a meal while vaginal penetration will give a woman a week of protection.

A tiny remnant of Oregonians has refused to succumb to the new world order and has tried to rally their fellow citizens to the old way of life that existed before they were forced to pump their own gas.

“Looting, rape and pillage? Is that what we are all about? We are Oregonians not Washingtonians. Let Seattle loot rape and pillage. We are better than that” one man cried from a street corner.

He was later tragically set upon by roving cannibals and devoured “quicker than Rosie O’Donnell going for a T bone” said an eye witness.

Despite the breakdown of civilization in The Badlands, New Jersey governor-elect Phil Murphy says he plans on signing a similar law forcing New Jersey residents to pump their own gas.

“Yeah I’ve seen what’s happening in Oregon” he said.

“But New Jersey’s already a shithole. We are used to cannibalism, looting, rape and wild fires. How much worse can things get? But I’m confident things won’t get that bad here. After all, it’s not like we are Delaware.”

Delaware governor John Carney could not be reached for comment as he was in the streets of Dover, eating human flesh.

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