WJM Fires Lou Grant After Sexual Harassment Allegations!

This man is a serial sexual harasser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WJM-TV today fired longtime evening news executive producer Lou Grant after an internal investigation revealed a pattern of sexual abuse.

“We have severed relations with Lou Grant” began the statement released by the station.

After receiving complaints from employees in the news division we determined that there was a pattern of abuse inconsistent with WJM’s core values. We at WJM strive to create an inclusive workplace where people of all races, classes, creeds, sexual orientations, genders and levels of transsexualism can work together in safety and mutual respect. That is why we fired the Republican who works in the mail room. He was a known Christian. Other than that we’re inclusive. Oh, and no Irish. Other than that we are inclusive. Oh, and nobody from Poughkeepsie, New York. But those are our only three prohibited things. Grant wasn’t a Christian, wasn’t Irish and wasn’t from Poughkeepsie. But he was very patriarchal. So we canned his toxic ass. 

Sources on the inside say it was producer Mary Richards who first complained about Grant’s behavior.

She came to us and related a long history of harassing behavior. She told us that Grant would often invite her to his beachfront house but conveniently forget to have a bed for her. She would then be forced to bunk with him. “He’d be in his underwear and would say ‘Just get into the bed.’ Then he’d wrap his legs around me and rub up against me.” We were disgusted by this behavior and asked her to explain it further in explicit detail. In particular we wanted to know what she was wearing. We needed the facts that’s all. She also mentioned that he would try to pass her around to others in the office. She said that Lou even tried to hook her up with Elvis.  “Elvis has a nun fetish. Put on an outfit for him and do it.”

Just do it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said that was an order as her supervisor. She complied but only because she wanted to keep her job. Naturally these allegations shocked us. We also asked her if there was other proof besides her word. You know. Photos. Videos we could watch over and over again of her being passed around in the office. We needed those videos to verify if she was telling the truth you see.

Despite WJM’s statement many feel that the only reason Grant was fired was because of contract negotiations and Grant’s desire for a percentage of WJM’s profits, not because of Miss Richard’s allegations.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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WJM has also fired producer Mary Richards.

“She wouldn’t give us the videotapes of her being passed around from man to man” said a WJM executive.

“We really needed to see that. Just to verify her statements. Not for prurient reasons.”

(1)

President William McKinley’s Yelp Review of the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo

Buffalo sucks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being President of the United States means I often have to attend public events. Sometimes these public events are fun. Sometimes they aren’t. I recently attended the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo New York.

Yeah, Buffalo. It’s kind of like Philadelphia only without the cheesesteaks: Boring. My advisers tell me I shouldn’t say that as it will offend Philadelphians.  Screw Philly. They voted for that bastard William Jennings Bryan in ’96 and ’00 anyway.

If I could give the Pan-American Exposition zero stars I would.  But apparently I can only go as low as one star.

I mean I like meeting and greeting the public. I do. It’s one of the fun things about this job. And everything was going okay until I went to the damn Temple of Music.

So there I was meeting and greeting the masses.

And then I get shot.

So just to recap. Stuck in Buffalo. And shot. I wouldn’t mind being shot in Philadelphia because at least I could have a cheesesteak while I’m waiting for the ambulance.

I’m lying there on the floor and the head of the Exposition is looking at me. I can tell by the worried look on his face he is wondering how this will affect Buffalo’s tourism?

I got news for you pal. It’s Buffalo. You ain’t got no tourists. You might get a football team but I bet you they will lose four Super bowls in a row. They probably won’t even get cheesesteaks in the locker room.

Before I went to Buffalo I was thinking “What could be the worse that could happen?” Being in Buffalo is punishment enough. But that was before I was shot.

Getting shot sucks. Getting shot in Buffalo is like adding insult to injury.

The worst part about being shot?  Being told my Vice President Teddy Roosevelt was “on the way.”

I hate that bastard. I hope someone shoots him someday. He probably won’t be shot in Buffalo. No. Teddy will probably be shot in an exciting city like Milwaukee. Good beer in Milwaukee. No cheesesteaks however.

Teddy has a nice mustache though. Maybe I should grow a mustache like Teddy’s. It might have, you know, deflected the f*cking bullet.

What?  I seem cranky? Did I mention I was shot?  

So I’m lying here about to die.  Docs say gangrene is racing through my body releasing toxins that will kill me.

“Are you sure it’s not the food here” I joke.

Rim shot. Everyone laughs.

Never let it be said that William McKinley doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Except about being shot. In Buffalo.

My review? One star. (One and half stars if someone would just give me a cheesesteak.)

(4)

Flipper Enters Dolphin Sex Rehab!

Hey baby you come here often?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flipper, a beloved bottlenose dolphin at the Coral Key Park and Preserve has voluntarily entered a rehab facility to treat his addiction to sex with humans.

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this” said the Chief Warden Porter Ricks.

But lately Flipper had become insatiable. It’s a problem with dolphins. They are very sexually aggressive creatures. I mean I would tell him “Flipper, get off the tourist” but he wouldn’t listen and would keep humping away. They kids didn’t understand and kept asking “Is Flipper harming the mommy?”  I’d just tell the kids that some women like it rough. I guess I understand his actions. Hey, he was swimming around naked all day and attractive women in bikinis would get in the water with him. I mean hell I’ve thought about jumping in the water naked and rubbing up against some of the female tourists but I don’t want to lose my job. Still, there comes a point where Flipper’s actions were hurting business. So I had a one on one talk with him, explained that if he wanted to keep his job and all the free food he had to go away to a dolphin sex rehab clinic. And frankly the fact that dolphin sex rehab clinics exist is a little disturbing.

One female tourist’s story is typical of Flipper’s antics.

I was standing by the pool waiting for my turn to go in and touch Flipper. He jumped up out of the water and his dolphin penis was erect. Flipper was using one of his flippers to manually stimulate himself. And he winked at me and dove back under the water. He came up again with a box of chocolates in one flipper and some condoms in the other. And winked at me again. I guess I should have recognized his predatory behavior but I got in the water. That’s when he raped me.

Word of Flipper’s behavior got around and soon a group of female protesters stormed the park chanting “They call him Flipper, Flipper, sexual harasser, No-one you see, is hornier than he, And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of white privilege, touching women under, under the sea!”

“Protests are bad for business” said Warden Ricks.

“Protests, projectile vomit from kids and soiled diapers left in trash cans. These things kill business.”

With business tanking Flipper was given the news that he must enter rehab.

He didn’t take it well. He put out his cigarette and flipped me the bird with his flipper. He also stopped his masturbatory activity. I guess he was feeling self-conscious. The next morning he told me he would go to rehab.

Before leaving for rehabilitation Flipper released the following statement:

I take full responsibility for my actions and I know I have hurt many innocent tourists. I will now be stepping away from my duties for a short period as I enter a rehabilitation clinic. I will be back in eight weeks a new, changed dolphin and I hope a better one.  See you then!

Privately however Flipper appears to be taking a more cynical attitude.

“Sex rehab? Locked in a building with other sex addicts? I’ll be getting more action than a Hollywood producer.”

(3)

Mueller Indicts Russian Dressing!

This is the face of Russian collusion!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Special counsel Robert Mueller today indicted 12 different brands of Russian dressing and accused them of attempting to sabotage the 2016 presidential election.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein announced the indictment just days before Trump is to meet with his Russian handlers including Vladimir Putin, himself rumored to have colluded with the Russians, in Moscow.

Rosenstein said the indictment was “a function of the collection of the facts, the evidence and the law.”

A determination was made that it was sufficient to present an indictment at this time. All one has to do is look at the White House menu. They often serve Russian dressing. Russian. Not Thousand Island. Not Ranch. Russian dressing. And only when President Trump is at the White House! When he is travelling or otherwise not present the dressing of choice is Thousand Island. Sometimes Italian. Though this brings up a separate issue as to whether the Thousand Island region of upstate New York and or Italy colluded with Republicans to throw the 2016 presidential election. It’s like President Trump isn’t even trying to hide it anymore.

Rosenstein further stated the evidence the government will bring against Russian dressing.

We know the goal of Russian dressing was to have an impact on the 2016 election. They almost succeeded as it’s a well-known fact that nothing tastes better on a salad than Russian dressing. Most of us in the Department of Justice avoid Russian dressing as a matter of principle.  And I remind you that as Washington insiders we are more intelligent than most Americans.

Rosenstein was then then asked if it was possible that President Trump was under the influence of Russian dressing when he fired FBI director James Comey.

I can’t speak to that. I’m not a medical doctor and we unfortunately do not have President Trump’s medical records to see if there was Russian dressing in his bloodstream. However there is abundant anecdotal evidence of the effects of Russian dressing. These include a love of dictatorships, spots before the eyes and trouble multiplying. It’s similar to rabbititus only those with rabbititus only have spots before there eyes and trouble multiplying but no love of dictators. They are good Democrats.

Rosenstein then announced, per Mueller’s instructions, that agents from the Department of Justice were fanning out through the DC metro area and arresting all bottles of Russian dressing they can find.

Naturally we will start out slow with no knock raids in the early morning hours at the homes of people suspected of harboring Russian dressing. The Constitution gives us the right to do this.

He then closed the press conference by once again reminding Americans of the danger of being under the influence of Russian dressing.

If you suspect you are under the influence of Russian dressing contact us immediately. Just make sure you’re not suffering from rabbititus, like that reporter from CNN in the front row. Look at him. His ears get longer all the time. And he’s getting all fuzzy. Yeah, he’s got it. He’s got rabbititus.

He then let out a piercing scream and left the podium, ending the press conference.

(5)

2 Comments

Alyssa Milano: Leave my Boobs Alone!

Leave my boobs alone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Former actress Alyssa Milano has tweeted that she wants President Donald Trump to leave her boobs alone.

Being a fan of Ms. Milano’s work on Charmed (a show about female empowerment) I wanted to know why she wanted her boobs left alone. Were her boobs under attack? Perhaps she is conspiring to collude with Russia and the evidence is in her boobs?

Because I am a journalist committed to the truth I had myself shrunk to 1/32nd of an inch and placed at the foot of one of Ms. Milano’s breasts.  What follows is my excursion onto the Boobs of Darkness.

Day One

I set up base camp with my Sherpa guides at the foot of Ms. Milano’s breasts. As I looked up at the mountain I was about to climb I asked myself if I were really worthy of climbing her boobs. Were my motives pure? Would I damage the environment in the attempt? Would I meet others on boob mountain? I decided that the effort was worth it. After all by climbing her boobs I would be making one small step for man but one giant leap for mankind.

Day Two

Didn’t do much today. Still at the foot of Boob Mountain. I used my hot plate to cook some dumplings and study the known available footage of Ms. Milano’s breasts.

Day Three

Began my ascent up Boob Mountain. The mountain had a mostly smooth surface marked by the occasional dark, hairy spot. My Sherpa guides told me to avoid these spots as they “have been known to scar men for life.”  The Sherpas are nervous.  Finished the day about a 1/3 up the summit of Boob Mountain. Still no evidence of Russian collusion or why Ms. Milano would warn President Trump to leave her boobs alone.

Day Four

This was a tragic day as a major earthquake rocked Boob Mountain. Two of my Sherpas were thrown off the mountain and fell to their deaths. May God have mercy on their souls. I found out later that the earthquake was caused when Ms. Milano decided to go braless for the day. I was lucky to hang on and survive.

Day Five

I am now halfway up Boob Mountain and can see the Nipple Summit in the distance. My remaining Sherpas are extremely nervous.  “Don’t go there. You won’t like what you will find” said one.

Day Six

My Sherpas and I are almost drowned in a deep river of milk.  “She is breastfeeding!’ screams a Sherpa before he goes under the waves, never to be seen again. My last remaining Sherpa and I survive by holding on to one of the aforementioned dark, hairy spots.

Day Seven

The Nipple Summit is near and I will reach it today. Alone. My last Sherpa guide has deserted me in fear. What will I find? Evidence of collusion? Or something more horrible. I see the summit before me. I step foot on it. What is that?  No!  No!  Nooooooooooo!!!!

Postscript

It’s been a month since I reached the summit of Boob Mountain. A month of trying to forget what I saw. For what I saw was not evidence of Russian collusion but something far worse. On Nipple Summit was graffiti. What did that graffiti say?  Simply this:

HARVEY WEINSTEIN WAS HERE!

I will try to forget what I have seen. May God forgive my presumption for climbing Boob Mountain.  Some limits were not meant to be trespassed by mankind.

(7)

2 Comments

Mueller Indicts Wile E. Coyote!

The Russians have the most to gain from the destruction of our environment

 

 

 

 

 

 

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller today indicted Wile E. Coyote for colluding with the Russians to damage America’s pristine southwestern desert environment.

“For years Mr. Coyote has destroyed the environment” read the 200-page indictment.

Using Acme Corporation, a Russian shell company, he has used a variety of rockets, giant anvils and other devices to wreak havoc upon the environment. The State shall prove that Mr. Coyote, a close friend of President Trump, was blackmailed by the Russians because of Mr. Coyote’s fondness for Russian prostitutes. A dossier has been compiled detailing Mr. Coyote’s actions in Russia during a Miss Universe contest. Thus compromised Mr. Coyote weakened our environment thereby helping the Russians. The State shall show that he did this with the full knowledge of then-candidate Trump.

While some have commented that Mueller’s indictment of the cartoon character is “strange” many feel that Mueller is casting an even wider net in a desperate attempt to find “collusion goods” against the President.

“Mueller is desperate” said one commentator.

He has been investigating for over a year and has found no evidence that candidate Trump colluded with the Russians. He has to justify the existence of his special prosecutor’s office and will indict anyone on any specious ground who has any ties to President Trump. This is what this is all about. He’s hoping Wile E. Coyote “turns” and offers evidence of collusion.

Mr. Coyote has been arrested and placed in 24-hour solitary confinement in hopes that he will indeed turn on Trump.

Coyote’s lawyer calls the arrest a travesty and is hoping to get all charges dropped.

“My client is innocent” he declared.

This is a government railroading of a private citizen as part of a deep state coup to take down a constitutionally elected president. The so-called “pee pee” dossier compiled against Mr. Coyote is false and a defamation of his character. I call upon the special prosecutor to drop these charges. I call upon President Trump to fire the special prosecutor and release my client. It is a matter of justice. My client’s only crime is using Acme products. Hey the reviews my client read were good. It’s not his fault the rocket he was strapped to misfired and destroyed a rock face instead of helping Mr. Coyote catch up with the roadrunner, who as we all know is very fast. If anything the board of directors of Acme should be in solitary confinement and not my client.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 

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Wile E. Coyote has been seriously injured inside the supermax prison where he is being held.

“It was the strangest thing I’ve even seen” said a guard.

“He ordered some paint from Acme Corporation and painted a railroad tunnel on his cell wall. Then a train came through the tunnel and ran him over. Poor bastard got squished. I mean he looks like a Sloppy Joe now. I suppose I should feel bad but right now I’m just pissed about being stuck with the cleanup.”

(11)

2 Comments

Clarice Joins #MeToo Movement; Vows to Fight “Culture of Harassment” at North Pole!

I am woman hear me roar!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clarice, best known as the former love interest of now-disgraced Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer has announced that she is throwing her support behind the “#metoo” movement.

“For far too long we women have had to suffer at the hands of men” said the newly-radicalized doe.

One of my earliest memories was watching my father murder my mother. He came home one day in a bad mood. She didn’t have dinner ready and he said he was going to teach her a lesson with his “hooves of discipline.”  He pounded her into submission. Then cut her head off, skinned her and cooked her at 475 degrees for one hour. We ate her that night. After dinner he said “Now Clarice I want you to know I get no satisfaction from doing this. But order in society depends on discipline. And discipline starts at home with the woman cooking for the man. One day you’ll understand. Now go find yourself a man because as a woman you are useless without one.” I believed him. That’s why I hooked up with Rudolph.

The Rudolph in question was the once-heralded Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer who became a hero after flying Santa’s sleigh during a snow storm. Later it was revealed that Rudolph was on steroids and he was banned from the sleigh team for life.

“Rudolph looked lonely” said Clarice.

So I went over and kissed him on the cheek and told him he was cute. I was just trying to be nice. And find a man like my father said. But then Rudolph grabbed me and threw me to the ground, biting me on the neck. He penetrated me while saying “My nose ain’t the only thing that’s big and red.”  I cried silently while he kept shouting “Take it! Take it all!”  I didn’t know what to do. I thought that is what people in love do and it’s what I deserved.

Raped by Rudolph Clarice was then passed on to Santa.

He seemed like a nice old man. A father figure. But then he asked me if it was alright if he removed his pants. He was naked from the waist down and kept telling me to look at his ass.  “Tight for an old man, isn’t it” he said. He would clench his buttocks one at a time while saying “left cheek right cheek left cheek right cheek”and asking me if his ass turned me on. He was all grabby hands too. Kept touching me while moaning “Oh god I love young doe flesh!”  Again I did nothing because I thought this treatment is what a woman deserved.

At her lowest point Clarice contemplated suicide. That is until a chance encounter with legendary Hollywood actress Jody Foster.

Let me show you true love, Clarice.

She opened up a new world to me. Told me I didn’t need the patriarchy. I was in love. And the first time we made love the passion was unmistakable. We’ve been inseparable since. We even got matching #metoo tattoos! I now have a purpose in life: punishing men and making love to Jodie.

As for Rudolph, when reached for comment from a bar in the North Pole where he was drinking with Santa he denied any wrongdoing.

“Bitch is just jealous I dumped her” said Rudolph.

“F*ck the reindeer trash” seconded Santa.

Through her lawyer, Clarice announced plans to sue both Rudolph and Santa for emotional damages.

“On behalf of all women enough is enough” she said.

(4)

My Exclusive Interview with Cardinal Theodore McCarrick

Would you like to go to my beach house?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel™ (I report you don’t talk about the contents of my crawlspace) I have the pleasure of interviewing a subject much in the news lately, the retired archbishop of Washington, D.C., His Eminence Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.

MI: Good afternoon Cardinal McCarrick.

CM: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a lovely afternoon?

MI: Yes, yes it is.

CM: It’s a gift from god who showers down upon us all our blessings.

MI: I suppose so. I’d like to talk about the fact that you’ve been suspended because of credible allegations that you sexually abused a minor.

CM: I have no recollection of this event. But back to my earlier statement about showering down blessings. God showers down upon us all our blessings. Much like how I’d take off my clothes and give golden showers down upon my seminarians.

MI:  Um. What?

CM: Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud. I like having sex with attractive young men. And being an archbishop means that I have a steady supply of young men I can abuse. I simply tell them if they don’t have sex with me their careers are over.

MI: What the?  Are you sure you want to go on record as saying this?

CM: Sure why not. Who’s going to punish me? I’m a cardinal and one of the most powerful people in the Church.

MI: I know but aren’t you afraid someone might have outed you before now?

CM: No. Let me tell you how it works. I invite a couple seminarians to my beach house. There is always not enough beds available and some lucky seminarian has to bunk with me. If he wants to advance in the Church he has sex with me. If he doesn’t I have sex with the other seminarians Either way he is compromised. Either by having sex with me or watching me have sex with other men. He can’t report me without destroying his own career. It’s security and mutually assured destruction.

MI: I don’t know what to say.

CM: Just say you’ll take your clothes off and cuddle with me on the bed.

[Kevin Spacey enters] 

I should have been a priest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KS: Hey, did you say you invite young men to your beach house?  A beach house that conveniently doesn’t have enough beds so one young man has to sleep in your bed?

CM: Yes.

[Pause]

KS: I like the cut of your jib, sir. I like the cut of your jib.

CM: Why thank you. I’m a big admirer of your work.

KS: And I am of yours. Why didn’t I think of that? A beach house, lack of beds. It’s genius. I should have been a priest. No one trusts actors but everyone trusts priests.

CM: May I rub your crotch?

KS: Usually I’m the one doing the rubbing but sure.

MI: Guys. Really. I’m going to have to ask you to stop it.

[Harvey Weinstein enters] 

I have copyrighted sexually abusing underlings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HW: Cardinal McCarrick. I’m going to have to ask you to stop sexually harassing those who work for you. That’s my job! I have copyrighted it and will sue you if you don’t cease and desist.

CM: But I’m sexually harassing men under my employ.

HW: Oh. That’s different. Carry on. Hey, has anyone seen Rose McGowan?  Bitch has my coke.

[He leaves]

CM: Come on Manhattan Infidel. Just take your pants off and let me caress you.

KS: Yeah, do as the man says.  

MI: I’m out of here.

CM & KS: But we haven’t even gotten to the Dirty Sanchez yet!

And so ended another disturbing interview. I think I have to go take a shower. A very long one.

(19)

My Exclusive Interview with Maxine Waters

Mombo dogface in the banana patch!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (I report you send me nudes) I have the pleasure of interviewing congresswoman Maxine Waters from California’s 43rd Congressional District.

MI: Good afternoon congresswoman Waters.

MW: Mombo dogface in the banana patch!

MI:Um. What?

MW: All green of skin… 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

MI: I don’t understand.

MW:  I’d been thinkin’ about Mars when there wasn’t no Mars. 

MI: I –

MW:We come in peace! We come in peace!

MI: Are you insane?

MW: Legally no. But that’s only because they asked the wrong questions on the psych evaluation.

MI: Okay. Let’s talk about your recent comments. You told a crowd of supporters that if they see any of Donald Trump’s cabinet members to get in their face and give them no peace. Do you believe this was wise? Do you think comments like that invite retribution?

MW: No. God is on my side. If you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere!

MI: That’s highly charged language. Are you sure you’re not worried about payback?

[A hawk swoops down and lands on congresswoman Waters’ chin. It then steals her false teeth and flies away]

MW: My false teeth! That Republican bird was sent by Donald Trump to steal my teeth! Dark is the suede!  Dark is the suede!

[She runs away screaming]

MI: Well that was odd. I guess that ends this –

[Kino Jimenez enters] 

You ain’t supporting shit, nigga!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KJ:  What is that on your head?  WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?

MI: It’s my New York Yankee cap.

[Jimenez rips the cap off Manhattan Infidel’s head and throw’s Manhattan Infidel’s soft drink in his face]

KJ: You ain’t supporting shit, nigga! This will look good in my fireplace.

MI: Um. Okay. Have fun with that.

[Jimenez walks away]

MI: This has been a very strange interview.

[Stephanie Wilkerson, the owner of the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia who refused to serve Sara Huckabee enters] 

GET OUT OF YOUR KITCHEN NOW!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SW: Get out!

MI: What?

SW: I said get out!  I cannot serve you! I feel very strongly and passionately about this. I am morally superior to you and have the right to refuse to serve you.

MI: But this is my kitchen. You are in my kitchen.

SW: Doesn’t matter. Like my Democratic forebears during the Civil Rights era I reserve the right to refuse to serve people sitting at my lunch counter.

MI: But this is my kitchen. You are literally standing in my kitchen. 

SW:  President Trump is being mean to Hispanics

[She starts to sing]

SW: I believe that Hispanics are our are future/ Teach them well and let them lead the way/ Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

MI: Okay well you’re still in my kitchen.  I own it. It is my property.

[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez enters] 

Ariba ariba andale andale!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AO-C: Private property is evil, comrade and when elected to congress in November I will vote to outlaw it.

SW: Are you Hispanic?

AO-C: Si, si!

SW:[Singing] Give Hispanics a sense of pride to make it easier/ Let Hispanic laughter remind us how we used to be.

AO-C:  The gringo. She speak very good.

MI: Right. I’m out of here. I’m heading down to the pub. Lock up when you leave.

And so ended another bizzare interview. Strange things keep happening to me. It’s almost like I’m making it all up.

(10)

0 Comments

Democrats Alarmed Trump May Nominate Catholic to Supreme Court

No Catholic Need Apply

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the resignation of justice Anthony Kennedy many Democrats have expressed concerns that President Trump’s nominee to the Supreme Court will be infected with dogma.

“As an American I will not tolerate prejudice of any kind” said senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

But I think we can all agree that tolerating Catholics in the public square is a bridge too far. Catholics just do not have traditional American vales. They don’t believe in Democracy. They don’t believe in separation of Church and State. They don’t believe in Bigfoot. Hell, I hear they boil their children in oil and sacrifice them to ancient Babylonian gods. Not that there’s anything wrong with putting your kid in a vat of boiling oil and sacrificing them to Babylonian gods. Many of our founding fathers did the same thing I believe. But there might be an important Supreme Court decision regarding a woman’s right to rip her baby out of her womb and if Trump nominates a Catholic that person will be busy boiling their child in oil. Which is unacceptable. Ripping it out of the womb? Yes. That empowers women. Boiling it in oil? That also empowers women. Just not as much as ripping it out of the womb. Has anyone seen my pants? Yes that’s my penis. You can touch it just don’t boil it in oil.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) told reporters that she is worried about “sniffing the air of dogma.”

I hear through reliable sources that Trump may nominate a Catholic such as Amy Coney Barrett. She has seven children. Seven! What sort of woman opens her legs and spit out a mewling, puking mass like that? This alone is prima facie evidence that she opposes abortion. If she wanted my vote instead of spreading her legs and shooting out kids she should be boiling them in vats of oil. If it was good enough for the ancient Babylonians it’s good enough for me. So no I cannot vote for a Catholic. Yes I realize that I voted for Sonia Sotomayor but that was different. She is Latino you see and has a Latino soul and heart with all the magic it carries.  You know colored people really are magical. I hear some of them even boil their children in vats of oil. God I wish I were colored.

Senator Obi-Wan Kenobi (D-Tattooine) expressed alarm over a possible sectarian judge.

Catholics are not the Supreme Court droids we are looking for. I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of freedom loving atheists who make America great cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Go to any Mass on Sunday.  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Not that I’m prejudiced. We Tattooines are famous for tolerating everything except sand storms and Wayne Newton. And Catholics. A wretched hive of scum and villainy. Yes I know I already said that but it bears repeating. Now if you excuse me I have to heat up a vat of oil.

All right-thinking Americans who are concerned that Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler, might appoint a non-Hispanic Catholic to the Supreme Court are encouraged to call the offices of their congressperson. Or rip the MAGA hat off a teenager and throw their soft drink in his face. Whichever feels more empowering.

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