Manhattan Infidel Plays Hookie

So you come here often?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s that you say Manhattan Infidel? You’re playing with hookers?  Again?

No. Not hookers. Hookie!

I had intended to write about the Yankee game I went to on Tuesday but I’m tired. It’s late at night and the hookers I’m playing with want their money.  I mean I’m playing hookie.

So no new post today.  Tomorrow I will be back on my regularly scheduled new post schedule.

Hookie you see. I”m playing hookie.

I just hope she takes credit cards.

Hookie!

 

Manhattan Infidel

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Manhattan Infidel’s Exclusive Interview with the Most Courageous Woman in America Chelsea Manning!

I have a non-binary penis

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the most fascinating woman in America, a role model for young girls everywhere. I am of course referring to Chelsea Manning.

MI: Good afternoon Chelsea. I am very excited that you have agreed to be interviewed by me. Your story is a courageous one.

CM: Why thank you. That’s so sweet.

MI: So for our readers unfamiliar with your story you were born Bradley Manning –

CM: I refuse to acknowledge my former patriarchal slave name.

MI: Yes, of course. I apologize. I should have been more sensitive.

CM: Thank you.

MI: Now to make a long story short,  you gave documents to Wikileaks, served time in an Army prison, began hormone therapy and now you are Chelsea Manning. Why did you take the name Chelsea?

CM:I ‘ve always admired Chelsea Clinton. And Caitlyn was already taken.

MI: How does it feel to be a woman?

CM: It feels like freedom. Now I can finally experience all the things women experience.

MI: Such as?

CM: Wearing makeup, going to the ladies room, having men inside me.

MI: Um.

CM: And without having to go through periods or cramping or staining my panties with menstrual blood.

MI: Rosa Parks had nothing on you.

CM: While I admire her accomplishment she was binary and was born with a vagina. And since when has having a vagina had anything to do with being a woman?

MI: Absolutely nothing. Gender is a fluid thing. Scientists are discovering more genders every day.

CM: God bless science!

MI: Science!

CM: Science! 

MI: She blinded me……

CM: With science!

MI: Good heavens Miss Sakamoto you’re beautiful!

CM: Excuse me but gender designations such as Miss are binary and harmful.

MI: Sorry. So let me ask you a question. Do you still have your penis?

CM: For now but I’m looking forward to having it cut off and replaced by a vagina.

MI: Well technically they don’t cut it off. They slice it down the middle and fold it back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

CM: Eww. That’s just gross. If I had known that I wouldn’t have sucked all that dick in prison.

MI: So what’s next for Chelsea Manning?  

CM:I  want to be an actress. I want to be the female, non-binary Brad Pitt for my generation.

MI:  I heard you were up for the role of Doctor Who.

CM: Yes. I was disappointed I didn’t get. it.  I felt the BBC’s choice was a step back for civil rights.

MI: But they chose a woman to play the role?

CM:  Yes. But a binary, cisgender woman who has a vagina. It’s important that we teach kids that you don’t have to have a vagina to be a woman. That’s more important than teaching them math.

MI: Math is hard. Speaking of hard will you miss having erections?

CM: Absolutely not. I am so looking forward to having a lubricated vagina. Except my artificial vagina will have no natural lubricants so I’ll have to lubricate it myself with over the counter stuff.

MI: Oh.

CM: It’s what all women go through to lubricate their surgically recreated vaginas. The struggle is real!

MI: I thank you for your time.

I’d like to thank Chelsea Manning, the most beautiful and courageous women in America, for allowing me to interview her.

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God Hates Sunday Night ESPN Baseball and So Should You!

“Trump is going to cause Guam to tip over into the sea. He and Putin will do this.” ~ Maxine Waters

Sunday night in Da Bronx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes. God does hate ESPN Sunday night baseball. Is there even any doubt on this? War? Famine?  The Department of Motor Vehicles? Child’s play considered to the evil of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Theologians all agree:

“Sunday night baseball on ESPN is a tool of the Devil” ~ St. Augustine.

“I agree with Augie” ~ Thomas Aquinas.

So on a Sunday night in the Bronx the slumping Yankees played the surging Red Sox to close their three-game series.  The Yankees started their most reliable arm this year Jordan Montgomery (7-6 3.94) and Bahstahn countered with Chris Sale (14-4 2.51).

It was a most unlikely Yankees-Red Sox game:  A quick moving pitchers duel. Boston scored first in the top of the fifth. Brock Holt walked and stole second. He then was singled home by Jackie Bradley Jr.  1-0 Bahstahn after 4 1/2.

The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the inning. Chase Headley singled and then came around to score on Austin Romine’s triple.  1-1 after five innings.

In the bottom of the eighth Aaron Hicks walked, reached second on Aaron Judge’s single and then went to third when Gary Sanchez walked. With the bases loaded Todd Frazier hit a sac fly that scored Hicks.  2-1 after 8 innings.

With Aroldis Chapman coming in for the ninth things looked good for the Yankees.

But closers, like stool softeners, can have untoward effects.  Chapman gave up a game tying home run in the ninth to Rafael Devers.  2-2 after nine.

And Bahstahn won it in ten innings. The Yankees lose yet another series and fall further behind Bahstahn.

Craig Kimbrel (4-0 1.44) got the win for Boston while Chapman (4-2 3.48) took the loss for the Yankees.

Notes on the game:

Leonardo DiCaprio was at the game. No doubt taking a break from flying around the world on his gas-guzzling jet lecturing the rubes on lowering their carbon footprint.  Climate change, y’all.

There was a kid, probably around ten, sitting next to me in the bleachers. He kept standing up and blocking my sight line of the field. Nothing I did could convince him to sit down. Finally I said to him, “Kid let me tell you about what happens when you have an enlarged prostate. Getting up three times a night. Sudden urges, dribbling and of course ” – and I leaned towards him and lowered my voice to a whisper – “problems with intimacy. All this will happen to you in 40 years.”

That shut him up. He sat down and didn’t say a word the rest of the game. Occasionally I could see his shoulders heaving and I thought I heard sobbing.

Yes, Manhattan Infidel. Destroying the hopes and dreams of children for over three decades. It’s a gift. I do it well.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I just found out I’m allergic to penicillin because it freeze dried my internal plumbing and I had to take laxatives until I shot a cannon ball out of my ass” didn’t fire up the crowd. In fact they told me to shut the hell up.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I think you were too hard on Leonardo DiCaprio. Climate justice is the civil rights issue of this decade. That and transgenderism. Oh, and eat a salad every now and then. You won’t blow cannon balls out of your ass that way.”

What can I say?  My insides are a rocky ground that finds no fruit.

C.H.E of filthy, fetid, alligator infested Florida writes, “Try eating some nuts. I put them in my mouth all the time and I never am constipated.”

You mean like Planters’ nuts?

C.H.E. also writes, “Um, yeah. That’s exactly what I meant.”

M.P. former Confederate spy from Maryland but currently hiding out in New York City writes, “I have never desired, and no man of common sense in my state has ever desired, to bring the negro into equality with the white man.”

You sound constipated.

Recommended reading material:

Ugly as Sin:  Why They Changed Our Churches from Sacred Places into Meeting Spaces and How We Can Change Them Back Again by Michael S. Rose.

And so my record stands at 5-5 this year. My next game is Tuesday August 15th (the Feast of the Assumption) against that other team that plays baseball in New York.

Go Yankees!

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2 Comments

Soon to be Muslim Majority Nation Announces Line of Succession!

Prince William will succeed me as he stands a better chance of not being killed by the Religion of Peace™

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I walk around New York City I am often stopped by people who ask me if I think de Blasio is as big an asshole as they do if I am as worried as they are about the British line of succession. Well worry no more. Queen Elizabeth has formally announced that William and Kate shall become King and Queen, bypassing her son Prince Charles (pictured here).

Prince Charles is not happy about being passed over

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“The Queen felt that William and Kate had the star power necessary to save the Monarchy” said a source close to the Queen.

The Queen realizes that the House of Windsor no longer has the respect that it once had. She blames Prince Charles for this. With his divorce from Lady Diana and then his cavorting with Camilla he has proven unfit to wear the crown.

However many feel that the Queen chose William and Kate for a different reason.

“She realizes that England shall soon be a Muslim nation and sharia law will be the law of the land” said a top official in the British government.

She feels that Prince Charles is too old and makes an easy target for someone driving a car on the sidewalk.  William and Kate are younger, more athletic and faster. My god have you seen Kate’s calf muscles? Those two will be able to react in time and dive out of of the way should a member of the Religion of Peace™ find themselves driving into a crowd of pedestrians. Naturally this is not a reflection upon Islam. We have many Muslims in this country and some of them do not kill us. 

Still others feel that Prince Charles was passed over because of “aesthetic differences.

“It is well known in Buckingham Palace that the Queen loves Guns and Roses” said a Palace insider.

She has a poster of Axl Rose over her bed and thinks he is quite sexy. Prince Charles on the other hand prefers Madonna. I remember one time during dinner Charles said “Mummy would you like to do the Vogue with me?”  The Queen just put her head in her hands and waited for him to leave the dinner table. When he finally did she turned to me and said “I can have him killed you know.” I persuaded her not to as that would cause a constitutional crisis.

The announcement of the line of succession has caused a rift between Prince Charles and his mother with reports of tension in the Palace. Indeed Prince Charles has rarely been seen in public.

“Prince Charles is naturally disappointed but still loves his mother” said an aide to the Prince.

But being English he can’t show that his pride is hurt. Stiff upper lip and all that you know. So he is going to work off his frustration the only way we know how: He is going to lead an expeditionary force to invade Ireland and take it for the Crown.

“If I can do to Ireland what Cromwell did to it maybe mummy will love me again” said the bypassed Prince.

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Robert Pattinson Refuses to Masturbate; A Dog That Is!

I will not masturbate a dog on a plane. I will not masturbate a dog on a train

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hollywood heartthrob and former sparking vampire Robert Pattinson revealed on the Jimmy Kimmel show that he was asked to masturbate a dog on the set of his latest film, “Good Time.

“The director wanted me to do it” said Pattinson.

I had reservations. Then the trainer said “It’s fine. Just rub the inside of his thigh. I do it all the time. He likes it. He’ll lick your face.” But I still didn’t know. I mean I’m an actor but I have standards. If I wanted to do something sexually disgusting and flat out freaky I’d go back to dating Kristen Stewart.

Reaction in Hollywood to Pattinson’s non-masturbatory act was swift, with many accusing him of speciesism.

A spokesman for SAG-AFTRA condemned Pattinson and said his exclusionary behavior had no place in Hollywood.

If Pattinson wants to confine his masturbation to those who self-identify as human then he can do it on his own time, not when he’s making a movie and representing everything our business proudly stands for. We at SAG-AFTRA condemn his actions in no uncertain terms. We also wish to remind people that Pattinson’s actions do not represent us. Many actors would jump at the chance to redefine species boundaries by masturbating a dog.

Martin Sheen accused Pattinson of setting back the cause of civil rights by decades.

Today our actors are refusing to masturbate dogs. Tomorrow they will be refusing to do gay scenes. The day after that they will refuse to work with Negroes or Hispanics. This is a slippery slope back to the days of Jim Crow. This is what Donald Trump wants. Donald Trump will not divide us!

“Your right to a conscience ends when you walk onto a set” said Ed Asner.

Do you think I enjoyed masturbating Gavin MacLeod? Of course I did but that’s beside the point. I did it because I’m a professional actor and had to set an example.

The hashtag #masturbatethedog soon began trending on Twitter.

Pattinson quickly retreated behind the walls of his residence as pro-masturbating dog protesters picketed outside.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters of California called for an investigation into possible Russian collusion with Pattinson’s masturbation refusal.

“I am not proud to be an American today” said the brave congresswoman.

Robert Pattinson refusing to masturbate a dog reminds me of Bull Connor turning fire hoses on my people in the 1960s. Are we going to return to the days of segregation or are we going to masturbate our dogs? This has Russia written all over it. Putin and Trump want to destabilize America by keeping our dogs sexually frustrated.

Strangely enough this is not the first time an actor has refused to masturbate an animal. While making Spartacus Tony Curtis balked at having to pleasure Laurence Olivier. He later consented when the director said he could wear women’s clothing while doing so.

SAG-AFTRA has scheduled a disciplinary hearing for next week to determine if they have grounds for suspending Pattinson.

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Spider-Man Dead!

Spider-Man in his “Fat Elvis” phase.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noted crime fighter Spider-Man has passed away of an apparent heart attack at Burger King.

“He was a hero to many” said New York mayor Bill de Blasio.

All New Yorkers owe a debt of gratitude to Spider-Man. His devotion to New York was well known as are his many sacrifices to keep this city crime free. I join our entire city in mourning his loss.

According to witnesses Spider-Man was eating a double bacon cheeseburger with a large order of fries and a large coke when he clutched his chest and muttered, “Should have had the salad” before keeling over.

Though a seasoned and veteran crime fighter Spider-Man had recently struggled with health issues related to his weight gain.

“He put on a lot of weight after he got married” said a source close to Spider-Man.

He had been lovesick for years over his next door neighbor Mary Jane.  Always moping about saying “Why doesn’t she love me?” But then when he finally got her and they moved in together, well, let’s just say she liked to cook. I mean she was always cooking these rich dishes. And Spider-Man would eat it all up. He said it reminded him of life with with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Eventually he put on almost 100 pounds. I would tell him that the extra weight wasn’t good and he’d just say “But I’m in love.” In love with plus size portions I’d say.

Along with the weight gain came bouts with hypertension.

“His BP was 200/140 when he came to my office the first time” said his doctor.

I told him he’d have to lose some weight. He just said “The Missus keeps me well-fed.” Then I put him on some blood pressure medication, The medication brought his blood pressure down but unfortunately one of the side effects is dizziness, which isn’t a good thing to have when your swinging above the street.

Another consequence of his weight gain was the inability of the threads he wove to support his weight, leading to the embarrassing incident when the string snapped and Spider-Man plummeted into traffic.

“He hit the side of bus filled with Japanese tourists” said a first responder on the scene.

The poor Japanese were frightened out of their wits. None of them spoke English and instead of seeing the sights of Manhattan they saw Spider-Man’s junk embedded into the window.  Some of the Japanese were so traumatized they suffered from temporary blindness. Spider-Man was in a lot of pain. He had glass embedded in his junk.  He kept saying “My junk! My superhero junk! Will it still work? I can’t disappoint Mary Jane.”

Fellow superheros reacted to Spider-Man’s death by praising his abilities.

“He really could squirt the sticky stuff” said Batman.  “I mean even more than Robin.”

“I admired his flying abilities” said Superman. “Of course he was cheating with the spider fluid stuff but still impressive.”

There will be a memorial this Friday where people will be invited to squirt as much sticky fluid as they can in memory of Spider-Man. Only those over the age of 18 will be allowed into the service.

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My Exclusive Interview With Lena Dunham

What did you just say? I heard that!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Lena Dunham, star of the critically acclaimed no one watches the piece of shit show “Girls”.  Miss Dunham is also known for shaming middle class airline employees who were having a private conversation she deemed unprogressive.

MI:  Good afternoon Miss Dunham.

LD: Don’t call me Miss. Miss is a term invented by the patriarchy to slut shame single women.

MI: If you insist. What would you prefer to be called?

LD: Zizzhefemmacaltfluid. I believe this accurately describes my gender.

MI: [Under his breath] I though big fat f*ck more accurately described your gender.

LD: What? What was that?  Did you just make a transphobic statement?

MI: No. I called you a big, fat f*ck and your big, fat, f*ckism was the result of poor impulse control and shitty lifestyle choices but I did not make a transphobic comment. 

LD: Are you sure? I will not tolerate transphobia. I recently turned in some airline employees who expressed transphobic thought.

MI: No. I called you a talentless, lying piece of shit hack, the product of upper west side private boarding schools who’s never had to work an honest day in her soft, privileged life.

LD: All I’m hearing are transphobic insults. I may still have a vagina but I think transphobic comments such as yours reflect badly upon yourself. At this moment in history we should be teaching love and inclusivity. And because I feel deeply about love and inclusivity I will now shame you on social media and try to get you fired, you transphobic hater!

MI: You’re not you when you’re hungry. Have a Snickers bar. Or a hundred Snickers bars.

[A truck offloads thousands of Snickers bars in front of Dunham]

LD:  [Grabbing handfuls of Snickers bars and shoving them into her mouth] I should really get back to shaming you on social media for your transphobic views but these Snickers are so delicious.

MI: So let me get this straight.  

LD: Straight? That’s another transphobic statement.

MI: Let’s see if I have you correct. You believe in love and inclusivity but you will threaten anyone’s livelihood who expresses an opinion you disagree with?

LD: Yes. I believe it is our duty as Americans living in a free country to report opinions that are not sufficiently progressive and love-filled.

MI: Makes perfect sense to me.

LD: I seem to have eaten all your Snickers bars. Do you have any more?

MI: I’m afraid I’m all out.

LD: Oh. [Pause] Is that your cat?

MI: Yes, why?

LD: Did you raise your cat to be gender neutral?

MI: No. 

LD: Why not? You might be raising a transphobic cat. Does she not appreciate that gender is fluid?

MI:I  doubt that.

LD: Can I eat your cat?

MI: No.

LD: Here kitty kitty. She looks just like a Snickers bar.

MI: Get away from my cat!

[Manhattan Infidel gets a cattle prod and uses it to stun Lena Dunham]

LD: Is that a transphobic cattle prod?

And so ended my interview with the fat as f*ck snitch Lena Dunham. Beware America. Miss Dunham, much like the NSA, is listening to your conversations and will punish you if you express incorrect thoughts.

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3 Comments

Chelsea Clinton, Motion Picture Association of America to Introduce New Ratings System

The Secret Service would not let me watch my porn alone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Motion Picture Association of America (“MPAA“) and presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton have announced that they will be implementing a new ratings system for all movies.

“We’ve been wanting to update our archaic and non-gender based system for years” said MPAA president, former senator Chris Dodd.

G, PG, PG-13, R, X?  What do these mean? Absolutely nothing for people looking for movies that smash gender stereotypes. Let me give you a personal example. As a lover of hard core porn I was streaming a video called “Trannie Cheerleaders.” While I enjoyed the depiction of transsexual cheerleader sex in the end I was disappointed for two reasons: One: While the cheerleaders did have penises the bourgeois gender construct was dominant. And secondly my wife walked in while I was streaming it. She still isn’t talking to me. But anyway back to my point. our current movie rating system is ill-suited for people who go to movies solely to see bourgeois gender roles smashed.

Presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton then followed up with some remarks of her own.

“I have accomplished so much in my life” said the future president.

Daughter of a President. Daughter of a senator. Daughter of a secretary of State. Part-time correspondent for NBC News. 2020 Presidential nominee. But there is one thing that I haven’t done: Change our ratings system. Let me give you an example. When in college I would often rent hard core porn and take it home to watch. Inevitably I would be disappointed for two reasons: No mention of gender roles on the package and two, the Secret Service insisted on watching with me. I vowed then that when I had a chance I would change our movie rating system to explicitly reference gender roles. I can do this because I’m Chelsea Clinton and I have accomplished so much in my life.

The porn-loving duo then unveiled the new rating system:

  • DMCGRNSFC

(Disney Movie with Conventional Gender Roles Not Suitable For Children),  These films will be restricted and no child under 13 will be allowed to watch it because of its offensive gender stereotypes.

  • SGRSBPC

(Some Gender Role Swapping But Pretty Conventional).  Children under 13 shall be allowed to watch this movie only if accompanied by a progressive social justice warrior adult who can answer any questions the child may have about role play.

  • CLNBOPC

(Cinemax levels of nudity but otherwise pretty conventional).  These movies shall be open to all children. An adult social justice warrior chaperone is encouraged but not necessary.

  • TCS

(Trannie cheerleader sex).  These movies do smash some stereotypes as the women all have penises. But again some gender roles are conventional. Children are encouraged to see these movies.

  • TBBSHSWDIJSIHMWDWIOMSWUIJCASTGGC

(Trannie ball busting sex holy smokes what did I just see I hope my wife doesn’t walk in on me she wouldn’t understand I’m just curious about smashing the gender glass ceiling). This ratings system was personally lobbied for by Chris Dodd.  These movies will be mandatory for children.

  • IHASIISIPS

(It has the Adam Sandler in it so it probably sucks).  Self explanatory.

The new ratings system will take effect in January 2021, just in time for Chelsea Clinton’s swearing in ceremony.

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The Pussy Brigade: The Untold Story of the Allies Greatest World War II Defeat!

The Pussy Brigade before their untimely slaughter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the release of the distressingly man-based and patriarchal film “Dunkirk” attention has focused once again on the Second World War. With this in mind I now present for my readers the story of The Pussy Brigade™, a gamble that turned into a disaster for the allies.

Note: Events may not have transpired as depicted. I have changed the facts where necessary for dramatic effect.

The Genesis of the Plan

With 1942 turning into 1943 no end was in sight to a bloody war that threatened to drag on forever. Roosevelt and Churchill, both conflicted about their toxic masculinity, held an emergency strategy session in the White House.

Roosevelt: What are we going to do Winston?  Thousands of our young men are dying and I feel very conflicted about this. Was this war necessary?  What is it about men that we love fighting so much?

Churchill: I was thinking the same thing. I thought giving up whiskey and cigars and switching to a vegan diet with lots of kale would fill me with peaceful feelings. But I still want to win this war. I still want to bomb my fellow men and womyn.

Roosevelt: My gender fluid, non-binary wife Eleanor says we suffer from toxic masculinity and we should learn from women and become more like them.

Churchill: That’s it!  We will win this war with woman. A brigade of women!

Roosevelt: A pussy brigade?

Churchill: Exactly!  And we’ll have them wear pink hats and vulva costumes!

Roosevelt: I feel with their moral authority we can bring this war to an end.

The Brigade

And so the call went out for women between the ages of 18 and 25 who were filled with estrogen-filled moral authority. Trained in secret locations in America they were transported to England at the start of 1944 to meet their commander, General George S. Patton. Asked by Roosevelt if the brigade was battle ready Patton told the President, “Battle ready?  I don’t know about that. But what they lack in battle readiness they make up for with enthusiasm and the gentle love that only estrogen can bring. I myself am so inspired by them I am thinking of having my penis sliced down the middle and folded back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.”

The Battle

June 6th, 1944, Pussy Hat Day.

German troops awoke to the sight of hundreds of thousands of pussy hat-wearing women on the beaches of Normandy. Confused machine gunners looked to their commanders for advice.

“What are we to do? Those thousands upon thousands of pussy hats fill me with feelings of guilt and remorse over my warlike tendencies?

However their socialist, yet cold-hearted officers, could only rely upon their male mindset and ordered the brigade cut down.  The beaches ran red with the morally superior blood of the pussy hat brigade.

Soon the battle was over. The Germans had won. Or had they?

Shamed by the moral authority of estrogen the German commander at Normandy committed suicide.

Inspired by the moral authority of the Pussy Brigade Patton made plans to slice his penis down the middle, fold it back upon itself and create an artificial vagina when he was killed in a patriarchal car crash.

Encouraged by his gender fluid, non-binary wife, Franklin Roosevelt took to wearing women’s clothing.

Winston Churchill died tragically in a kale factory explosion but not before calling the Pussy Brigade “The beginning of the end of this war.”

 

This program on the Pussy Brigade has been brought to you by Proctor and Gamble who encourage you to talk to your children about entrenched white racism and police brutality.

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Manhattan Infidel Becomes a Children’s Book Author!

So easy Manhattan Infidel™ can do it!

 

 

 

 

 

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we are always challenging ourselves thinking of ways to make a cheap buck. Prostitution?  Too much pressure to perform. Building a narrative that Trump colluded with the Russians to hack the election?  No one would be stupid enough to believe it.

Then it hit me:  Children’s books! It’s easy money and anyone can write crap that allegedly teaches children life’s little lessons.

So now I present a few potential children’s books that I have started work on:

  • God Loves Everybody. Except You. You Suck

Sometimes children have to learn harsh lessons about life. Why learn it from strangers. Read this book to your kids. Know that the crying you hear behind their closed door at night is just the tears of realistic expectations.

  • Let ‘Er Rip:  The Table Saw is Your Friend!

Kids love to build things. Why shouldn’t they be curious about those sharp blades? Safety? Safety is for losers. Just stick your arm in and saw away!

  • All Cats Go to Hell!

Seriously. They do. Their soul was not made in the image and likeness of God. Once your cat dies he’s burning, man.

  • Dogs Go to Hell, Too!

Fido may be your best friend but have you seen how many times he licks himself? That’s sinful. He’ll have to pay for his autoerotic behavior. And since he’s a dog he can’t go to confession so his fate is sealed.

  • While We’re on the Subject Your Hamster is Also Going to Hell!

Why? It’s a f*cking hamster kid. God doesn’t want anything that’s been in Richard Gere’s ass.

  • Nor Will Your Father Escape the Flames of Hell!

Seriously kid. Have you seen his internet history? I mean making “Big Breasted Asian Girls” his home page alone is grounds for eternal damnation. Not that there’s anything wrong with Big Breasted Asian Girls, mind you. But resist!

  • Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will

Just remember when you’re trying to pay off that 100,000 dollar student loan: Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

  • Making Grown Up Friends on the Internet

What could possibly go wrong. You’re going to see a penis eventually so why not now?

  • Curious George and the High Voltage Fence!

Electricity does miraculous things like light our homes and power our computers. It will also fry your ass if you’re not careful. Now doesn’t the freshly cooked Curious George smell delicious? Sure he does. Take him home and eat him. Just wait until they turn off the power first.

  • Mommy Wears Negligees and Says She Likes the Fed Ex’s Man’s “Package”

Since your Dad ran off with his boyfriend your mother has been very lonely. Cut her some slack you brat.

I believe all these books will be best sellers and they will fundamentally transform children’s literature. I smell a Pulitzer. No wait. That’s just Curious George.

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