Batman and Robin Redesign Bat Cave!

We’re going for an open floor concept

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Batman and Robin, famous masked crime fighters whose true identity remains unknown, have just finished a redesign of their office commonly known as the “Bat Cave.”

“I wanted an open floor concept” said Robin.

We spend a lot of our time down in the Bat Cave. It’s cramped and there is no natural light. I wanted to fix all that. Batman wasn’t too keen on the idea at first. He thought the Bat Cave was just fine the way it was.  He’s such a man! But after I brought in my designers and they showed him what I wanted to do, massive windows, open spaces, antique doors to the entrance to the Bat Cave and gables over the entrance door he seemed to warm up to the idea.

But before any changes could be made a budget had to be agreed upon.

Batman watches our budget like a hawk. And when I explained that our “all-in” budget was $100,000 he asked me where the money was going to come from? I told him the improvements would pay for themselves down the line and not to worry about having all the money now. He told me that’s not how it works. He’s such a man!

While the Bat Cave was being redesigned all the high-tech crime-fighting equipment in the Cave had to be relocated.

We ended up putting them all in a storage locker uptown.  Who needs crime fighting computers when all City Hall has to do is light up the Bat Signal?

Once the equipment was moved and the redesign commenced it was not without complications.

“To achieve an open floor concept we had to removes some beams” said the designers Chip and Joanna.

But some of the beams were load-bearing. When I told Batman about this he snorted and said “Load bearing? Just like Robin.” And we had problems with the foundation to the Bat Cave. We opened up the floor and found three feet between the floor and the dirt below. Usually they should be kissing each other. We thought it might be a sink hole. So we brought in some engineers who took a look at it and reassured us it wasn’t. Then we gutted the entire Bat Cave. We raised the ceiling and knocked down some walls to provide an open concept. Then we painted the entire Bat Cave white. We also put in large picture windows to bring in sunlight from outside. This also gives them a nice view. This didn’t sit too well with Batman who told me they need to maintain the secrecy of the Bat Cave’s whereabouts. I countered and told him our changes would make the place brighter and more cheerful. He said that wasn’t practical. He’s such a man!

But despite Batman’s objections the renovations were made.

The only problem now for the designers Chip and Joanna is getting paid.

“Batman told us to contact Bruce Wayne at Stately Wayne manor for payment. I mean why would we do that?  Bruce Wayne and Batman are totally different people! I’d be curious to see the inside of stately Wayne Manor though. I wonder if they have an open floor concept?”

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Congress to Legislate School Shootings; Calls Continue to Regulate Process

This is all Donald Trump’s fault

 

 

 

 

 

 

Facing an increasingly angry media branch of their party, Democrats on Capitol Hill today demanded that the Federal government tax and regulate future school shootings.

“The Republicans want us to sit back and do nothing” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

We Democrats have a more compassionate program. We call on congress to pass a school shooting tax. Our government has a right to tax. Taxes are moral. Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society. Under our proposal any school that is shot up will have to pay a five percent tax. All parents from the school will pay it. Except for undocumented Hispanics. Parents have to pay their fair share. We in Washington will tell you what that fair share will be.

The bill introduced by the Democrats, the “Affordable School Shooting Act” was hailed by Luis Gutierrez (D-IL).

“By taxing all schools we will make school shootings available for Hispanics and other peoples of color” he said.

I’m tired of having all the white schools get shot up. Every time a crazy white boy shoots up a school we in the Hispanic community feel left out. This is wrong. It should stop. We are Americans too and we demand the right to shoot up our classmates. When the last shooting occurred I went to an inner city high school in my district and implored the Hispanic brothers and sisters to start shooting. Most of them already carry knives so a gun would not be much of a problem. Perhaps a gun with a bump stock. That’s why I’m excited to tax school shootings. The money derived from that will pay for guns for our lower income Hispanic students and any money left over will be used to fund gun control programs.

Steny Hoyer (D-MD) tried to reassure those worried about the Affordable School Shooting Act.

“If you like your school shooter you can keep your school shooter” said the septuagenarian.

All we are doing is allowing everyone to have access to a school shooting. And taxing it of course. Well, some call it a tax and some call it a penalty but it’s the same thing. The government gets your money and gives it back to the community. That’s why we are known as the compassionate party.

The newly-formed association of American School Shooters (“ASS”) commended the Democrats for the Affordable School Shooters Act but says it is just the first step.

“School shooters need to be verified” said the organization’s manifesto.

At this moment shootings are chaotic and the entire field is open to those who aren’t qualified to shoot up their school. This reflects poorly upon all of us. We propose a certification program for school shooters. A series of tests designed to weed out unqualified shooters. Those who become certified school shooters only need pay a licensing fee to the government. A licensing fee that is fair to all.

President Trump called the Democratic proposal “ridiculous.”

But what do you expect from a Russian operative?

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2 Comments

An Open Letter From the FBI!

We’re good. We’re smart and gosh darnit people like us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following is a paid announcement courtesy of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Hello young people of America and greetings from the Federal Bureau of Investigation!

As many of you are contemplating a career choice after you finish college may we suggest a position at the FBI?  If you decide to become an FBI agent you will have an exciting and rewarding career with many chances for advancement. Especially now since many of our agents have been forced to resign lately. You know. Russia and all that. Not that our agents broke the law. We are the law.

But anyway with so many resignations we have open positions available in our agency. 

Perhaps you have the skill set to join us?

Are you

  • Good at investigating? 

I know that might seem self-explanatory since we are the Federal Bureau of Investigation. But many of us quite frankly aren’t very good at it. Take this thing with the kid who shot up a school in Florida. Turns out someone had sent us a tip because he said in an internet chat room that he wanted to shoot up a school. Granted he used his real name but how are we supposed to track him down from that? We may have a budget of 8.7 billion but most of that goes to paying off sexual harassment claims. That doesn’t leave much money for anything else. Hell we’re still using Windows 98 here at the headquarters in DC. So young folk, if you know how to find someone online consider a career in the FBI. Investigative skills are key. Most of us here can’t find our car in the employee parking lot. If you’re hired you could start out doing that. My car is green.  Has a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you like investigating.”  Seriously. I haven’t seen my car in a few days.

  • Non-partisan?

We here at the agency, much like other Federal agencies like the IRS, the NSA and the CIA remain neutral in issues of politics. Okay you got me. We’re all Democrats. If you’re a Republican we’ll have to investigate you. Again not that we are any good at that. But we are open to hiring Republicans. Seriously. It’s one of our goals. Hire more Republicans and Hispanics. If you are a Republican Hispanic all the better. On second thought strike that. We don’t like Cubans.  So if you happen to be a young Republican you can join us and investigate yourself. Perhaps get a FISA warrant on yourself. It’s for the good of the country. You know. Russia and all that.

  • Good at Information Technology?

A couple years ago someone told us Hillary had a private email server and it was located in the bathroom of her estate. What the hell is a server? Does it have something to do with volleyball? Needless to say we dropped the ball on that one. We found out later that a server is a big computer that stores lots of files. I mean a big one. Maybe 300 MB or something.

  • Good at investigating?

I hate to harp on the investigation angle but I really need to find my car. My car key is supposed to have some sort of beeping thing on it that goes off when I’m near it but I don’t know how to activate it.  Could someone investigate that for me?

Sincerely,

The Federal Bureau of Investigation

It’s nice to know we are in good hands.

(8)

2 Comments

Manhattan Infidel Celebrates Nine Years!

Ain’t no hanging with the Dagos here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the desk of former President Barack Obama:

On February 20, 2009, a date that shall live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the blog called Manhattan Infidel. The United States was at peace with Manhattan Infidel and, at the solicitation of Manhattan Infidel, was still in conversation with the guy who runs the blog, you know, the guy who never wears pants, looking toward the maintenance of peace.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory over Manhattan Infidel!

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us. Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph—so help us God.

Jeesh Barry it’s just a blog. No one reads it anyway. You don’t have to get all alpha male on me!

And on that note we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ open up our mailbag and read congratulatory notes from our readers on our ninth year.

M.P. formerly of Confederate Maryland now residing in New York City writes “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!”

Hmm.  And all this time I thought the Chicago Way was letting dead people vote Democrat.

C.H.E. of swamp-ridden, alligator-infested, hurricane-ravaged Florida writes “Ah, I knew it. That’s all you need, one thieving wop on the team.”

Please refrain from racial slurs. Unless they are directed at the Dutch of course.

A.P., a deplorable from Poughkeepsie, New York and currently under NSA surveillance writes  “You stinking Irish shit pig.

What did I say about racial slurs? You think you were Latvian or something.

L.T. of the savage land of Astoria writes “You just fulfilled the first rule of having a blog: make sure when your shift is over you go home still wearing pants. Here endeth the lesson.”

Um. Yeah, sorry about not wearing pants. It’s just a thing  you know.

O.B. of the soon-to-secede state of California writes “I’m going to see you burn, you son of a bitch, because you killed my friend!”

Whoa calm down pal. You think you I was Dutch or something!

D.B. of Philadelphia, home to the Superbowl winning Eagles and also the town that booed Santa Claus writes “I said your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that when I beat the rap.”

What is with all these racial slurs? Race baiting is only acceptable when directed towards the Dutch. Though I don’t like the Danish bastards either. So they are included. And don’t get me started on those Swedish bastards. I’m telling you don’t make a maniac out of me!

S.D. formerly of Manhattan now residing in Minneapolis (but who did not attend the Superbowl) writes “Me and the bookkeeper are walking out of here, getting into a car, and driving away.” 

Well as long as the car is a hybrid I don’t care. Also, is the bookkeeper Welsh by any chance? I hate those bastards.

Fancy smancy artist T.S. of Queens writes “I’m gonna tell you something. Somebody messes with me, I’m gonna mess with with him. Somebody steals from me, I’m gonna say you stole. Not talk to him for spitting on the sidewalk.”

Spitting on the sidewalk? You must be German. God I hate the Germans. Not as much as the Dutch or the Irish of course. But they are bastards. And what’s with the David Hasselhoff fetish they have?

LSP of Lone Star Parson writes “I want you to find this Nancy-boy Manhattan Infidel, I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on his ashes!”

You’re English, correct?  I expect language like that from the Scottish but not an Englishman. God how I hate the Scottish! Granted they aren’t as bad as the Dutch, Latvians, Danish and Welsh but they aren’t far behind.

Bob of Bob’s Blog writes “A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball!”

You know who doesn’t like baseball?  Those French bastards. I wish the Dutch would invade and take over the country.

And there you have it.  My mailbox celebrating nine years of  Manhattan Infidel. Will there be nine more years?  I only know one thing:

Italians will always bring knives to a gun fight!

Now get out you dago bastard!  Go on get your ass outta here!

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Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Tragic Florida School Shooting

This is all Donald Trump’s fault

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the news of the school shooting in Florida broke we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action.

Okay, we put our pants on. Okay, we put our underwear on.  Okay we remained naked.

But eventually we traveled down to Florida to help with the narrative:  It is important that this shooting be used as an excuse to embarrass Republicans and Donald Trump.

When I arrived at the scene I saw many injured, bleeding students.

I approached one such active bleeder and asked him what happened.

MI:  What happened?

AB:  I’ve been shot.

MI: Are you a registered Republican?

AB: What has that got to do with it?

MI: Because if you are I can lecture you now about the dangerous Second Amendment.

AB: Please I’m bleeding rather heavily.  Can you apply a tourniquet?

MI: I’m sorry. I’m just a reporter. It’s not my job to get actively involved in the narratives I cover. 

AB: I’m losing consciousness.

MI: You Republicans deserve to be shot.

With active bleeder no. 1 unconscious I moved on to active bleeder no. 2.

MI: Are you conscious?

AB #2: Yes but not for long.

MI: Has this changed your mind on gun control? 

AB #2:Please sir get an ambulance.

MI: Are you an alt-right white nationalist?

AB #2: What? Please help me!

MI: If only you Republicans would admit the error of supporting gun rights I might help you but this is karmic justice. Before you lose consciousness I have one final question: Did you see the shooter? Was it Donald Trump? Technically that’s two questions. But since you’re a Floridian you probably don’t understand math.

AB #2: What?

MI: You are bleeding out right now because Donald Trump is literally Hitler!

AB #2: Tell my mother I love her!

MI: You’ll tell her yourself son.  In hell!

Active bleeder no. 2 then lost consciousness. The nerve of these hicks. Don’t they realize I’m a member of the MSM from New York?

Since all the active bleeders were unconscious I knew no further narrative could be accomplished and left hick Florida to return to sophisticated New York.

What have we learned from this shooting?  A few things:

  1. Republicans deserve to be shot. 
  2. Our founding fathers were alt-right white nationalists who wanted guns to shoot brown people.
  3. Donald Trump is literally Hitler.

Hopefully we can use this shooting to abolish the Constitution and appoint a strong leader to rule America. A charismatic leader who will take away all privately held guns and use his power of Divine Right to bring about a socialist workers paradise.

And that man is, I believe, Michelle Obama.

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2 Comments

Manhattan Infidel Presents the Missing Peter Strzok – Lisa Page Text Messages!

The FBI. Protecting America. I think.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As many people by now know FBI agent and his lover Lisa Page carried on an illicit affair while investigating so-called Russian collusion. When this came to light the FBI conveniently lost six months of messages.

Fortunately for my readers reader mother meth dealer prostitute stranger I pay to read my blog I leave no stone unturned in my desire to get the facts. So now dear readers here are some of their relevant texts. It may take me months to go through all their texts. Who knows what else I’ll discover.

Strzok:  Trump cannot win. How can Americans be so stupid?  We must come up with an insurance policy should he win.

Page:  I agree totally.  Hillary must win. Our career advancement depends on it!

 

The two continued to text about the election:

Strzok:  OMG!  Trump won Pennsylvania. It’s all over. He’s now the president!

Page: OMG OMG OMG!  A mouse.  I mean, yeah, f*ck Trump!

 

Later on election night when Trump had been officially announced the winner:

Strzok: This can’t be happening!

Page: I’m so depressed. I haven’t been so depressed since George Clooney left ER!

Strzok:  We need to talk about our insurance policy!

Page:  You mean blaming Trump’s victory on Russian collusion?

Strzok: Yes. Oh, BTW, thank you for wearing that French Maid outfit last night. It brought out the beast in me!

Page:  Just like Trump brings out the beasts and deplorables! I felt filthy and degraded. Yet so alive!

 

A week after the election the insurance policy was in full swing:

Strzok:  I spoke to my contacts in the media and told them about our FISA warrants and how we suspect Trump is getting Russian assistance.  No evidence of course. It’s a fairy tale. But the media is more than happy to report it. They are our friends.

Page:  Good.  Excellent in fact. You can always trust the media to do what’s best for the deep state.

Strzok:  Sorry about last night. Usually I think about baseball but sometimes I just finish a little early, you know.

Page:  Maybe my Catholic school girl outfit got you too excited?

Strzok: No. it’s my prostate. Doc says it’s the size of Texas.

Page: Oh dear. That’s distressing. Almost as distressing as President Trump!

 

A few months later as Mueller was appointed Special Prosecutor the two revel in their victory:

Strzok:  Now we got Trump. He took on the deep state. The deep state shall finish him!

Page: I’m so excited. He will be impeached and Hillary will be president!

Strzok:  Yeah. Can we talk about my suggestion from last night?

Page: I am not having a threesome with you and your wife.

Strzok: It doesn’t have to be with my wife. Or a woman. Or even a human. Have you ever looked at sheep and wanted to rub up against them?

Page:  ……………………….

Strzok:  Hello? Honey?

Page: Don’t ever text me again.

Strzok:  Baby I’m sorry. I won’t ask again. It’s just this Trump presidency. It has me so upset.  Please baby.  Come over and wear your French Maid outfit again!

Page: Well, I shouldn’t but I forgive you. I know that bastard Trump has us all upset.

Strzok: I love you baby.  BTW, are you curious about furry sex?

Page:  Goodbye.

Strzok:  It’s Trump baby. It’s all his fault! Hello? Talk to me! I’m taking prostate medicine.

 

Who knows what else I’ll discover as I read the rest of the texts. Because uncovering the truth is what I do best. That and sending pictures of my penis to coeds.  What?  I mean Trump has me so upset!

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2 Comments

Liberal Says Stupid Shit!

ALL HAIL THE LIBERAL PRINCIPLES OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Former President and liberal George Bush has weighed in on the alleged Russian interference in the 2016 campaign. The famous globalist liberal seemed to take a swipe at President Trump’s denials of collusion when he said there is “pretty clear evidence that the Russians meddled.”

As a Republican I have lived my entire life by one principal: What can I do to help the Democratic Party? And the Democratic Party lost the election to a commoner because Russia interfered in our electoral process. Our Democracy is only as good as the people voting for the pre-approved dynastic candidate. This year that candidate was Hillary Clinton. She did not win despite the best efforts of the globalist world order. I took her defeat personally. The Clinton Dynasty and the Bush Dynasty have known each other for  years. We both come fine fine stock. Stock fit to rule the United States. Instead Trump is President. He is a nationalist. And nationalism is racism. I am not a nationalist. When I was President I tried to do what was best for George Soros, not what was best for the United States. That is why the Trump Presidency is so dangerous. He and Putin are nationalists working together. Was George Washington a nationalist? Was Thomas Jefferson a nationalist?  What about Lincoln? Woodrow Wilson, the two Roosevelts, the gay one with the mustache and the one in the wheelchair? No. They all believed in the global order and feared Russian interference in the elections. I, George Bush, liberal doing what’s best for the Democratic Party, believe this.

The former President then asked the audience  to kneel before him as he blessed those assembled.

Remember, being blessed by Clan Bush is what makes our Democracy strong. So I want everyone to go out there and fight for the core principles of the Republican party: Open borders, globalism, DREAMERS, socialism and everything else the Democratic party believes in. Do it for me. Do it for the Bush dynasty. Do it for the Clinton dynasty. Do it for our Democracy, which is only as good as the dynastic clans ruling it.  Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin believe in none of these things, which is why they colluded to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful throne. Thank you.

When Bush ended his speech the crowd at the United Arab Emirates where the speech was given gave him a rousing ovation. Many were in tears and began shouting “Long live the Bush Clan” and “Death to Jews.”

The once and future head of America then left by private helicopter. As he flew over the UAE Bush sighed. It was the sigh of compassionate conservative globalism.

“If there are open borders than me and the Clintons will make more money. Why  do commoners oppose us so? Damn that Putin! Is there no end to his diabolical plans?”

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2 Comments

Porky Pig’s Career in Tatters; Latest Victim of #Metoo Movement!

Would you like to see my genitalia?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Porky Pig has been dropped by the Creative Artists Agency (CAA) after allegations of serial sexual harassment and outright assault against the venerable pig.

“He assaulted me. He sexualized me. He raped me!” claims one actress.

I was new in Hollywood and looking for work. Someone suggested I look up Porky Pig.  “Just go to his hotel room and talk to him” they said. So I made an arrangement for a meeting and went to his hotel. When he opened the door to his room he was wearing a blue jacket and a red bow tie.  AND NOTHING ELSE! I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. He invited me in and said “Why d-d-d-d-on’t you p–p-p-p-pour yourself a d-d-d-d-rink?” He then put his leg up on an ottoman so I had a clear view of his penis. “We’re g-g-g-g-g-gonna have f-f-f-fun” he said. I wanted nothing to do with him. I trusted him and here he is propositioning me for sex. I ran out of his room crying and got out of there as fast as possible.

Another actress claims Porky pulled her into his hotel room, pressed himself up against her and forced her to do “Kinky shit I haven’t even seen on Cinemax.”

We had dinner. Then he insisted I go back to his hotel room to talk about a movie he thought I’d be good for. We go there and the next thing I know his tongue was down my throat. That was bad enough but then he said “You and m-m-m-m-me are g-g-g-g-g-going to d-d-d-d-do some freaky s-s-s-s-s-s-shit together. Make me s-s-s-s-s-s-squeal like a p-p-p-p-p-p-pig.” What a pig! Is this how all men act in Hollywood? If so then I’m going back to pole dancing at clubs in Pennsylvania. At least there the men are honorable and won’t touch my vagina unless they tip me first.

Indeed many are now saying that Porky’s behavior was an open secret in Hollywood.

“Everybody knew” said one person.

Everybody had heard the rumors. “Don’t be alone with Porky. He’s a pig!” “Don’t go to his hotel room alone.” Stuff like that. The smart actresses knew to avoid him. But this business is so cutthroat and competitive many will ignore the warnings if they think it will land them a movie role. I feel sorry for girls like that.

Many blame Porky’s behavior on his deep-seated self-loathing.

“I mean the guy was Jewish” said a friend.

His real name is Porkel Pigenstein. Yet he’s also a pig. I mean literally a pig. That’s quite the contradiction. He must have to live with a lot of cognitive dissonance to survive. How he must hate himself. I know he wasn’t popular in the Jewish community. They though he was unclean. His own family wouldn’t talk to him. No matter how successful he was this must have hurt. 

As for Porky he remains defiant and insists he has done nothing wrong.

“Why don’t you all j-j-j-j-j-j-just s-s-s-s-s-s-suck my d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dick” said the disgraced Pig.

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Manhattan Infidel Presents the Full, Unredacted Democratic House Intel Memo!

Whatever you do, don’t blink

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been memogate, memogate, memogate the past week in America.

First was the release of the Republican memo which exposed how Obama used the FBI to spy on Trump.  The Democrats naturally wanted to release their own memo.  It was blocked by Trump because it contained sensitive data.

However using my sources on Capitol Hill (hookers, meth dealers, legendary game show host Wink Martindale) I have been able to obtain the full unredacted Democratic House Intel memo, which I will now share with my readers reader no one apparently.

UNCLASSIFIED

Declassified by order of the President — February 12, 2018

January 31, 2018

To: HPSCI Majority Members

From: HPSCI Majority Staff

Subject: Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act Abuses at the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation

On February 2nd the Republicans released a memo purporting to show that The DOJ and FBI were hopelessly politicized and used information they knew was fake to obtain FISA warrants against members of the Trump campaign.

We in the Democratic Party (“The Party”) categorically deny these allegations. And we will now totally not stack our response memo with sensitive classified intel that will force President Trump to veto its publication. We will totally not do that. Not. Do. That.

The FBI is not politicized and frankly we are shocked that the Republicans would risk disclosing sensitive FBI sources.

We in The Party have worked closely with the FBI for many years, going back to the 1960s when we had the FBI beat up and kill Freedom Riders in Mississippi.  Not once did we disclose this sensitive data.

We ordered the FBI to use their agent James Earl Ray to assassinate Martin Luther King. Again, we did not disclose this information to the public.

We had nothing to do with Chappaquiddick however, as much as we would like to take the credit. That was all on Teddy and his insatiable sexual and alcohol appetite.

Do you see how we are totally NOT putting sensitive, classified in this memo?

The following people are CIA agents (if knowledge of this got out their lives would be in danger).

  • Adam Sandler
  • Brad Pitt
  • George Clooney
  • Legendary game show host Wink Martindale
  • Prince Harry
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Those three actresses from Charmed. You know, the show about female empowerment. Yes we realize four actresses starred on Charmed but we don’t count the one who replaced Shannen Doherty.
  • The entire roster of the New York Rangers
  • Gary Coleman (who isn’t dead just deep undercover)
  • Queen Elizabeth
  • Mike Evans (the first actor to play Lionel Jefferson. No not the second actor even though his name was also Evans and no they were not related)
  • Bill Maher

Again, you see how we are not stacking this memo with classified intelligence?

Adam Schiff hasn’t blinked in five years. He’s a big Doctor Who fan you see and he’s worried about Weeping Angels.

Miley Cyrus is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. There are many aliens from that galaxy on Earth. But we will never disclose their names.

Hillary Clinton is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy.

Okay, so we lied.

Now that we have compiled this memo and totally not stacked it with classified information we urge President Trump to stop playing politics and allow its release.

Signed, The members of the House Intelligence Committee from The Party

Thank you.

Oh, and Whoopie Goldberg is not an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. We checked.

I don’t know why President Trump blocked the release of this memo. It seems pretty straight forward and innocent to me.

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1 Comment

Ricochet Rabbit Accused of Bias Against Minorities!

Ping, ping ping!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Controversial law and order sheriff Ricochet Rabbit of the town of Hoop ‘n’ Holler has been accused of using his office improperly and showing a clear pattern of bias against peoples of color.

“The other day I was leaving my office and Ricochet approached me” said the head of the town’s chapter of the NAACP.

He asked me where I was going. I said I was going to find a white woman to make love to. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. Ricochet is trouble and I’m something of a wise ass. Anyway he looked at me and said “Boy, we don’t want no trouble now do we?” That’s when I told him to stop disrespecting my kind. You know what he did? He used his gun with one of his trick bullets. I thought I was going to be shot instead the bullet turned into a large mallet and hit me over the head. Part of me would  have preferred to be shot. The mallet thing just shows a complete lack of respect.

On another occasion Ricochet interrupted a fight between two men in the Dominican part of town and used his special gun to draw targets on both their noses and punch them.

“This white rabbit don’t respect us at all” said one of the men.

And with all the money I’m making selling drugs in this town he had better respect me. No one draws a target on my nose unless it’s my plastic surgeon. Or one of my gang members for some sort of initiation. But no white rabbit. I’m tired of the white rabbits always keeping me down. Just the other day I went chasing a white rabbit and I knew I was going to fall. So I told everybody a hookah smoking caterpillar had given me the call. But I digress.

Elected on a law and order platform and promising to make Hoop ‘n’ Holler “Safer than Oswego, New York on a Monday night” Ricochet initially proved popular with residents as violent crime dropped.

Employing the “broken window” philosophy of policing popularized by Rudy Giuliani  Ricochet would target citizens for minor offenses.

“Our homeowners association has strict rules about mailboxes” said one homeowner.

My mailbox was not regulation height. It was five inches too high. Ricochet shot me 57 times with his mallet pistol thing. I bought a regulation height mailbox the next day. Fear is a very powerful motivator. Still, I bet the homes owned by white people would not have been targeted like this.

Ricochet denies any bias against minorities and says he is not targeting them because of their color.

“I’m a sheriff. I uphold the law” said Rabbit.

Sure I profile minorities but you know what? It works. They are more likely to committing a crime than white people. I’m not going to apologize for that. I’ve made this town safer. Safer than Fulton, New York on a Tuesday night.

Despite Ricochet’s denials the State is looking into having him removed. Rabbit has said that if removed he’ll run higher office.

“They think they have it bad now just wait until I become Governor Rabbit.”

(17)