My Exclusive Interview* with James Taylor

Hire me to sing at your political event!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ it is my pleasure to interview* none other than legendary singer/songwriter James Taylor.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Taylor.

JT:  Please, call me Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

MI:  Um.  Okay Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

JT:  I’ve seen her naked.

MI:  Yes, well anyway you were in the news recently when you performed “Fire and Rain”, a song about suicide, at the White House as President Biden touted his economic policies.  The same time you were doing this the Dow was tanking over 1000 points.

JT:  Your point being?

MI:  It’s just that many people have found that juxtaposition ironic. Do you have any comment on it?

JT:  I’ve seen Carly Simon naked.

MI:  Yes you already mentioned that.

JT:  No seriously.  I have pictures.  Contact my management for price and availability.

MI:  I’ll pass.

JT:  Speaking of price and availability I had so much fun singing at the White House that I’d like to announce that I am now available to sing at birthday parties.

MI:  Okay that’s interesting.  Why exactly?

JT:  I feel that celebrities are so distant from their fans nowadays and I want to bridge that gap and become more a singer/songwriter of the people.

MI:  Really?

JT:  Okay, I have two ex-wives that I have to pay alimony to and I haven’t had a hit in 50 years.

MI:  That makes sense.

JT:  Listen, will you give me money for this interview?  All I need is 20 bucks.  That’ll pay for a MetroCard.

[Manhattan Infidel hands James Taylor twenty dollars.]

MI:  So what’s it like doing birthday parties.

JT:  Oh it’s fantastic.  I love the atmosphere at birthday parties and the joy I can bring to a crowd.

MI:  As a performer that must be very satisfying.

JT:  It is.  I also get to talk about politics.  Politics and singing.  It’s what I do best.

MI:  Do the people that hire you mind you bringing politics into the mix?

JT:  They don’t mind at all.  In fact they appreciate it.  Well, except the last party I went to.  It was some kid’s fifth birthday party.  I started singing “Fire and Rain” and the father was all “Jesus he’s singing that suicide song again!” And then when I finished the song I asked the kids if they’ve begun transitioning yet.

MI:  Transitioning?

JT:  The kids were confused at first.  But then I told them that there was no need to be binary when it comes to gender.  I said they can change their gender and that it was easy.  All the doctor does is cut their penis down the middle and fold it back to create an artificial vagina.

MI:  How did the kids react to that?

JT:  They all started crying.  Some threw up.  That’s when the father kicked me out.  He must be a Republican.

MI:  I see

JT:  Thank god he paid me my twenty dollars beforehand.

MI:  Yes very fortunate.

JT:  Hey can I perform at your birthday party?

MI:  No I’ve already hired someone.

JT:  Who?

MI:  Carly Simon.

JT: Son of a bitch!

And so ended my interview* with James Taylor.

*Note: My lawyer has informed me that I have to tell people that said interview may never have happened.

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Batman Banned From Using Gas-Powered Batmobile Within Gotham City Limits!

Batman’s gas-powered Earth-destroying Batmobile!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gotham City Council has announced that Batman would henceforth be banned from using his Batmobile in Gotham.

“While we appreciate all Batman does to keep our city safe we are in a climate crisis”  said the Council President.

The so-called “Batmobile” is an Earth-destroying gas-guzzling vehicle. Sea levels are rising and if we do not tackle the climate crisis soon we shall all be underwater. Granted Gotham is nowhere near the ocean but we do have a lake in our park. The same principle applies. If the lake levels rise even a couple feet Gotham’s historic downtown business district will be underwater.  And that includes the Starbucks! And we remind Batman that we have asked him many times in the past to consider switching to an electric Batmobile. So this banishment is on him.

When informed of the Council’s edict, Batman defended his use of a gas-powered crime-fighting car.

“An electric Batmobile?  Are these idiots serious?” said the caped crusader.

Look, Robin and I care about the environment as much as the next crimefighter.  And I’ve looked into an electric vehicle.  It’s just not practical.  Electric cars cost too much and I’m trying to keep down expenses. You can’t exactly claim crime fighting deductions on your W2.  And don’t get me started on charging it.  It takes a couple hours you know. One time several people were murdered while I was at the charging station waiting for the damn thing to charge up. And to top it off my card was declined.  How can my card be declined?  I’m Batman!

Despite Batman’s pleas the City Council remained unmoved and would not rescind their banning of the Batmobile.

“Batman can use one of our new clean-energy hybrid buses” said a Council member.

Told that he may have to use a bus, Batman became livid.

A bus?  Are they kidding me?  First off you have to wait around in all kinds of weather for the damn thing to show up. And once you’re on the bus you have to fight some old broad for the last seat. It’s just bad for my image to be seen getting into it with someone’s grandmother.  Even if she deserves it.

Declining the use of a bus and with the Batmobile banned, Batman has announced that henceforth he and Robin will be running to all crime scenes.

Goddamn City Council!

 

 

 

 

 

 

“It’s not the end of the world” said Robin.

In fact, Batman and myself have never been in better shape. We’re thinking of entering the Gotham City marathon.  That is unless the downtown business district is underwater.  From all the climate change.

Batman also praised the new running regimen.

My body is lithe and toned. I’d like to see Catwoman turn me down now!”

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Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to Surviving the Winter Carbon Free and Net Zero

You have disappointed me with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the war in the Ukraine raging on and the supply of Russian oil dramatically reduced, the world may have the honor of finally stopping global warming and achieving a carbon-free net-zero energy existence.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ want to do our part to achieve this great event.  Accordingly we have prepared a question and answer post that we hope will help our many readers to usher in this glorious age.

  • I keep reading about carbon-free and net-zero and the World Economic Forum makes it sound very enticing.  What does this entail exactly?

A carbon-free and net-zero existence, which your lords and masters at the World Economic Forum wish to bring into existence is a system where people like you, which for purposes of this article we shall call “serf” are tied to the land using compost toilets, candles and no indoor heating. We in the elite shall continue to fly around the globe in private jets to warn the serfs that sea levels will rise if they continue to use carbon irresponsibly.

  • Wait.  What?  No indoor heating?  Winter’s coming up and it can get pretty cold. My aged parents live with me.  We all need indoor heating to survive.

You ignorant serf.  You have disappointed all of us with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter.  You don’t need heat.  Look at this girl’s face.

Do you want this girl to cry?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See her pain.  Do you want to make Greta Thunberg cry?  What kind of man are you?

  • But my parents! I can survive without heat but they are infirm.  They will die without heat.

Humans are pollutants.  They desecrate Mother Earth.  Your parents have to make room for the young and healthy.  That’s the rule of Mother Nature.

  • That’s so cruel. I love my parents!

What is more important to you?  A selfish attachment to the people who by an act of fornication brought you into this world, or Greta Thunberg and those of us at the World Economic Forum?

  • My parents!

You disgust me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don’t need indoor heating.  Just chop down some trees, set them on fire and warm yourselves that way.

  • But won’t chopping down our forests lead to more global warming?

Probably.  That’s why you need us at the World Economic Forum to fly around the globe in our private jets to warn serfs like you about using too much carbon.

  • I don’t buy your argument!

You won’t need to buy anything in the new world order. You shall own nothing and be happy.

  • And what about you?

We shall have our private planes.  It’s necessary to spread the word of a carbon-neutral existence.

  • But what about – 

Is that a sandwich you are eating?

  • Yes I am hungry.

A sandwich? What’s wrong with eating bugs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don’t need processed foods.  They lead to global warming.  The Earth’s dirt  contains many nutritious bugs.  Eat bugs!

  • Will you be eating bugs?

No.  Bugs are not part of the menu on board our private planes.

  • If you aren’t going to follow the rules why the hell should I?

[Pause]

That is a valid point. Off with your head!

  • Wait. What?

[Armed guards arrive and put the questioner in chains]

This person is not carbon-neutral!!  To the guillotine!

  • Help!  Help!

 

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ hope that this brief question and answer session will prepare all my readers for the glorious future that awaits us all.  And stay tuned for my next post “101 Delicious Bug Recipes.”

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Martha’s Vineyard’s New Tourism Slogans

Welcoming and tolerant. As long as you’re rich and white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently Martha’s Vineyard was in the news after a planeload of migrants were dropped off on the island. Realizing that the presence of Hispanics on Martha’s Vineyard would hurt their tourism industry the migrants were immediately sent to another location. The town council then convened an emergency all-night session and came up with some new slogans that they hope will bring the tourists back.

My source* on Martha’s Vineyard has sent me the new prospective tourism slogans and has asked me to disseminate them with the hope that the public at large will decide which one to use.

And so hearkening to my commitment to truth and facts** I now present  the complete list of potential tourism slogans for Martha’s Vineyard:

  1.  Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse – no wait, wretched refuse?  Hey did we mention how Beautiful Rhode Island is this time of year?
  2. We are the welcoming committee of America.  Now get off our lawn.
  3. We love Hispanics.  Can you work on my roof?  What?  You’re Venezuelan not Mexican? I thought all you people were Mexican.
  4. Venezuela? Is that even a country?
  5. No seriously. Is it like South Mexico?
  6. If you think Martha’s Vineyard is pretty try Nantucket Island.  We have boats leaving every hour.  Be on one.
  7. For the last time Chappaquiddick is another island. Yes we are only 100 yards away by boat but technically Ted Kennedy did not kill that girl while on Martha’s Vineyard.
  8. Do you Venezuelans know any Mexicans? I need my roof worked on.
  9. No? Well then can you work on my roof?  It’s leaking. 
  10. What the hell do you mean you can’t work on my roof? F*cking Venezuelans!
  11. Nantucket sent you back to us? I thought they were welcoming and inclusive.
  12. Make note:  Possible Republican infestation on Nantucket.
  13. Make note:  Ban all citizens of Nantucket from visiting us.  We don’t want those nasty Republicans walking around our island.
  14. Republicans all look alike to us so it’s difficult to spot them.
  15. Do you think the Republicans from Nantucket would wear yellow badges on their clothing so we can tell who they are?
  16. If you can’t work on my roof do you at least have some pot for me? And don’t tell me no.  All you Hispanics sell pot.
  17. Monkeypox?
  18. I have lesions on my anus, probably put there overnight by sneaky Republicans.  You know how they are.
  19. For the last time we are not named after Martha Stewart.
  20. All are welcome.  But if you’re Hispanic at least work on our roof or have some pot for us. Is that too much to ask?

* I don’t actually have a source on Martha’s Vineyard. I did but he died when he fell off someone’s roof while working on it.

** My commitment is really to beer and pizza but for the sake of appearances I have to say “truth and facts.

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In First Act as King, Charles III Bans Dancing in Small Town of Bomont, Texas

I Hereby decree that dancing shall not be allowed in Bomont!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a move that has surprised many, King Charles III decreed today that dancing shall not be allowed in the small town of Bomont, Texas.

“It has come to my attention that a certain someone has moved to this town from Chicago” said the King.

He has big city ways. These big city ways are incompatible with small town values.  He likes to dance. And dancing is a gateway drug that leads to immorality such as smoking, watching Fox News and voting Republican. Therefore by the power vested in me as King I hereby ban dancing and rock music within the boundaries of Bomont.

While the town council, at the behest of local minister the Reverend Shawn Moore (pictured here),

Dancing and rock music are evil!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

has already banned dancing the decree was widely ignored, especially by the youth of the town.

One person in particular has led the resistance: Ren McCormack.

This man is threatening the morals of the town!

This McCormack fellow has no respect. He comes to town with his big city ways, dancing and listening to rock music and he has corrupted the innocent, gullible youth of this town. Americans have a tradition they call the “prom.”  I fear McCormack will use the prom as an excuse to dance.  Now I know many Americans are asking themselves why I, the King of England, Scotland and Northern Ireland am involving myself with matters in a town in Texas.  I answer that while it is true that America gained its independence in the 18th Century, we have never reconciled ourselves to this.  By banning dancing in this town I hope to lead a reconciliation between our peoples.  I know Americans have a deep love of royalty. My advisors tell me this all the time. Americans love royalty and bangors and mash.

While the King’s decree for the most part has met with approval, there are those in America who think the King would be better off using his authority on other issues.

A recent survey found that 65 percent of all Americans would like the King to ban The View or at the very least Whoopie Goldberg while another 30 percent would like to see the King ban the designated hitter. The other five percent were split among having the King ban the sale of oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies side by side (too many people grab the wrong cookie), Daylight Savings Time and odd numbers.

“Odd numbers are racist and the vestiges of patriarchy” said congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

The King’s decree takes effect in one month.  Those who violate the ordinance shall be forced to drive on the left side of the road and watch the BBC.

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Darth Vader to Re-design suit; Seeks Open Concept and Subway Backsplash

I Like the idea of an open concept!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided that he is going to completely redesign his mobile life support system.

“It’s time” said Vader when announcing the change.

Don’t get me wrong.  After my duel with that pansy Obi-Wan Kenobi my suit gave me a new life.  And it has many advantages.  It exudes an air of intimidation, which is very important for anyone representing the Dark Side.  But the suit is, well, a little dated.  It’s very claustrophobic.  And dark.  Very very dark.  It doesn’t let the sun in.  I may represent the Dark Side but I like sunshine just the same as everyone else.  And don’t get me started on trying to eat in this thing.  Have you ever tried to eat pasta in one of these?  Half doesn’t make it through the slits on my mouth thingy and the other half dribbles down my suit.  You try intimidating people when you have pasta stains all over the front of your mobile life support system!

After receiving multiple bids, Vader settled on the design team of Chip and Joanna Gaines.

We can do so much with Vader’s suit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“We look forward to this challenge” said Joanna Gaines.

What can I say about Darth’s suit?  Who originally designed it?  I suppose it was good at the time but it’s very outdated.  What I want to do is create an open concept and make his suit more roomy and modern.  So I’m going to knock down the exterior walls and put up some shiplap.  Also he could use some subway tile backsplash. The entire effect will make him seem friendlier.  He may represent the Dark Side but that doesn’t mean he can’t be approachable.

The first step in the redesign is what Chip Gaines likes to call “Demo Day!”

I love Demo Day!  I get to knock down stuff.  I guess it’s the little boy in me that likes doing this.  Darth wasn’t so sure.  He got a little nervous when I started attacking his life support suit with a sledgehammer. But he calmed down when I explained that it was all part of the process.  The only part I didn’t like was getting to see what he looked like without the suit.  He was all moldy and wrinkled and disfigured. I haven’t seen anything that disgusting since Mick Jagger.

Despite a few bumps along the way Vader is very happy with his new suit redesign.

Darth Vader’s new roomy life support suit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I can’t tell you how much I love it!” said the happy Dark Lord.

So much space!  I get to move around.  And I love the homey touches in the new suit.  The backsplash.  The shiplap.  And they even put up a motivational poster that says “Dark Lords need love too!”  I tell you, Chip and Joanna understand me!

Despite Vader’s happiness with his new suit there have been issues.  As the suit is now 30 feet wide he has difficulty getting in and out of doors and the other Sith Lords have taken to calling him “Darth Fat Ass.”

They can say what they want” Vader replied. “They are just jealous. Soon everyone will be asking for a suit that looks like mine!”

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Biden Travels to Lower Circles of Hell for Rousing Campaign Speech!

The Dark Lord!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Biden travelled to the lowest circles of Hell on Thursday to give a speech warning of the dangers Republicans pose to the new world order.

“I want to thank the many demons here for allowing me to speak tonight” said President Biden

As I look out at the audience I see many good Democrats here. Judas Iscariot, Muhammed the Prophet, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and of course the big man himself, my good buddy Satan, the Father of Lies. Where’s Ginger?  You know the girl from Gilligan’s Island.  I was told she’d be here too.

Satan spoke up and reminded the President that while it is true that all gingers have no soul and are condemned, the actress who played Ginger was still very much alive.

“She’ll be here soon. Just be patient” said Satan.

The President then gave the reason for speaking from hell.

I wanted to give a speech in front of loyal Democrats.  And where will you find more Democrats than here?  Actually the original plan was to give the speech at Independence Hall in Philadelphia but the crime rate in that city is incredible. It was then that my chief of staff suggested Hell, saying that I’d be safer in Hell and that since I was going to be there soon anyway I might as well take a look around.

With the introductory remarks out of the way, the President started into his speech.

My fellow Americans, please, if you have a seat, take it. If you don’t have one, steal it. If you have no seat to steal then wait for a Demon to flay your body into a seat.  I speak to you tonight from sacred ground for Democrats:  Hell, the birthplace of slavery and socialism.  Two beliefs dear to all Democrats.

But as I stand here tonight, equality and democracy are under assault by people who disagree with me.  And disagreeing with me is disagreeing with Satan.  And disagreeing with Satan will get you flayed.

We, the people, have burning inside each of us the flame of liberty that was lit at Independence Hall.  Okay maybe not the flame of liberty.  More like the fires of hell that are burning inside us. Liberty. Hell.  They are the same thing.

Donald Trump and the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism and love of liberty that threaten the very foundations of our Hell.

Now, I want to be very clear —  very clear up front: Not every Republican, not even the majority of Republicans, are MAGA Republicans.  Not every Republican embraces their extreme ideology. Many Republicans will also end up in hell.

And these mainstream Hell-bound Republicans are Republicans I can work with.

I’m an American President — not the President of red America or blue America, but of all America. At least the Americans in Hell.

History tells us that blind loyalty to a single leader and a willingness to engage in political violence is fatal to democracy. That’s why I’m asking all Americans to follow my good friend Satan and if possible give him ten percent of everything they make. And not just because Satan gives me ten percent of his cut but because it’s the right thing to do.

We, the people, will not let anyone or anything tear us apart.

As the President said this a demon flew about his head, tearing apart one of the condemned.

Look at that.  Must be a MAGA Republican!

We’ve seen FBI agents just doing their job arresting the opposition as I have directed, facing threats to their own lives from their own fellow citizens. Such disrespect for Satan’s minions shall not be tolerated.

Even in this moment, with all the challenges we face, I give you my word as a Biden: I will sniff your child’s hair.

I ran for President because I believed we were in a battle for the soul of this nation.  And looking about me at all the condemned souls in Hell I know one thing:  These are my people.  These are loyal Democrats.

May God protect our nation. And may God protect all those who stand watch over our democracy. God bless you all.  Democracy. Thank you

The President then left the podium to thundering applause from the souls in attendance.  Actually it might have been thundering applause or it might have been the sound of souls being flayed by demons.

The President’s speech was well-received in Hell, although the big man, Satan himself, took issue with Biden asking for God’s protection.

“After all I’ve done for him he thanks God?  That does it. I’m giving an order to the next prostitute Hunter goes to:  Give the S.O.B. herpes!”

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NASA Scrubs Artemis Launch After Female Astronaut Causes Accident on Launch Pad!

Women drivers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

NASA has announced that the long-awaited launch of its Artemis rocket has been postponed until a later date.

“Things were going fine” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson.

We were all set to go to the moon.  We were practicing ingress and egress with the command module and the countdown was going well. That’s when it happened.

Sources say that after the hatch was closed Mission Control heard one of the female astronauts say “What does this button do?”

We knew we were in trouble.  We all looked at each other and thought “Oh Christ she’s going to push that button.”  And she did push it.  Despite all the training telling her not to push that button she decided once she was in the command module to push it.

The button in question was the emergency escape button. Once pushed the explosive bolts activated and the command module shot up away from the rocket. The parachutes then opened and the command module floated helplessly down to the ground.

We could hear the conversation in the command module and let’s just say it wasn’t pleasant. The other astronauts were furious and kept asking her why she had to press that button and reminding her that in training they were told never to press it. She then started crying.  

After emergency vehicles reached the command module and picked up the astronauts they were transported to a secure facility for debriefing.

We kept asking her why she pushed the button.  That’s when she accused us of “patriarchal behavior”.  She kept telling us not to be so mean to her and that if she were a male astronaut we wouldn’t treat her this badly.  And we wouldn’t. Do you want to know why? A male astronaut wouldn’t have pushed the f*cking emergency escape button.

She then stopped talking to anyone.  When asked what was wrong she’d answer “You know what’s wrong. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

She just glared at us.  You know the old expression, “If looks could kill”?  Well that definitely applies here.  She then accused us of “using our penises to start wars.”  I mean come on. That’s just not fair.  None of us has ever used our penis to start a war.  Occasionally we use our penises to press buttons on an elevator, but that’s just normal behavior.

NASA has announced that before the next attempt at a launch the command module’s emergency escape button will be retrofitted with a label that says “Direct TV.  Press to watch football.”

“We figure no woman will press that button” said Nelson.

From the White House President Biden expressed regret over the postponement and reiterated his confidence in NASA.

“Corn Pop was a bad dude.” said the President.

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Season Two of J6 Hearings to Feature New Character: Cousin Oliver from Brady Bunch!

Producers hope to bring in a younger demographic to replace the Liz Cheney character

 

 

 

 

 

 

Producers of the J6 television show have announced that with the departure of Liz Cheney they will bring in new characters and go for a “younger demographic.”

Look Liz was very popular” said one of the producers of the J6 show.

She was the breakout character and we hated to lose her. But she was, how shall we say this, old.  She was old and we needed to go for a younger audience. And that’s why we think Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch will be a perfect fit for the J6 show.

While officially the parting with Cheney is said to be amicable and the producers are wishing her well, there were rumors of tension on the set.

“Liz liked food” said an anonymous source.

She used to break into the other dressing rooms and steal food.  Once she stole Adam Kinzinger’s Happy Meal.  Adam was devastated and spent the day crying.  He wouldn’t even come out on camera for the hearings.  I don’t know which was more unprofessional:  Adam staying in his dressing room or Liz on camera with Happy Meal remnants all over her face.  Another time she tried to eat Jerry Nadler. She got as far as his kidneys before throwing it back up.  It was just a bad look.

Worried that the tension on the set would ruin the hearings, producers decided to buy out Cheney’s contract.

We gave her $100,000 dollars and a lifetime supply of corn dogs.  Actually when we gave her the corn dogs she said she didn’t need the money. Then she started stuffing the corn dogs into her mouth.  I tell you she must give out more gas than a Russian pipeline to Europe.

With Cheney out of the way the producers looked around for a viable character to replace her, one that would appeal to the younger demographic they were after.

Originally we tried to get Ariana Grande. But with the #metoo movement most of the producers were afraid she’d sue if we told her she’d have to sleep with us to get the job. It was then that we settled on Cousin Oliver. 

He’s young! he’s hip! He’s cool!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Hell everyone loved him in The Brady Bunch. He was the show! He is young, hip and will bring in the viewers we are after.

Producers have already prepared an episode arc with Cousin Oliver for the J6 show.

We think Cousin Oliver would be a perfect comic foil for Jerry Nadler.  Imagine the hijinks that would ensue if he stole Nadler’s bacon cheeseburger deluxe or large pizza.  Yes Liz also stole food but she was too serious about it. But with Cousin Oliver it will be comedy gold! I can picture it now: Nadler will chase him around the podium trying to get his food back while Yakety Sax plays in the background.

Cousin Oliver has told reporters that he is pleased to join the show.

“It’s going to be fun. And the producers said all I had to do to get the job was sleep with them. Do they mean a sleep over?  Should I bring my pajamas?”

And now, without further adieu, Yakety sax!

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2 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Liz Cheney

Bow down before me serfs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing Liz Cheney, congresswoman from Wyoming.

MI:  Good afternoon congresswoman Cheney.

LC:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  The past couple years you have represented the State of Wyoming in congress.  If I may, your lopsided loss must have been quite a shock.  To what do you attribute your falling out of favor with the citizens of Wyoming?

LC:  When I first ran for congress I couldn’t decide between Wyoming or one of the Dakotas.  I wanted to start out small. Being a congresswoman was only going to be temporary anyway.  I have my sites set on larger fish.

MI:  Are you saying you are going to run for President on the Republican ticket in 2024?

LC:  Yes and I shall be unstoppable.  How can I lose?  I have the support of MSNBC and CNN.  Those two networks are always saying such nice things about me.

MI:  Neither of those networks could be described as catering to the Republican base.  Could that be the reason you were defeated in a landslide?

LC:  [Pause]  Donald Trump is a mean person!

MI:  Wyoming rejected you because Donald Trump is a mean person?

LC:  Yes!  He’s very mean. He’s a meanie!  Mean  people like him used to make fun of me during recess at school.  They called me “fatty” and “cow.”

MI:  I see.

LC:  [Starting to cry]  He’s mean!  Why is everyone always being so mean to me!  

DC:  May I say something? 

War! War! WAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Ladies and gentleman it’s none other than former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Good afternoon Mr. Vice President. May I ask where you are calling from?

DC:  For security reasons I cannot tell you that.  Suffice to say I am currently in the process of transitioning into a duck.

MI:  A duck?

DC:  Yes.  I’m currently pre-op but hope to be a full post-op duck soon.

MI:  Why a duck?

DC:  As a duck I can fly over foreign countries and bomb them.  I am having my duck ass retrofitted with missiles as we speak.  I love war.  WAR!

MI:  You’re insane.

DC:  Hold that thought.  I am about to transition into a fully post-op duck.   Yes. I can feel it.  I’m becoming a duck!  Quack! 

“Duck” Cheney!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Okay it looks like Vice President Cheney has turned into a duck.

DC:  Quack!  Quack!

LC:  You go dad!  Fly free and bomb foreign countries, without a declaration of war or congressional authorization!

DC:  Quack!

[Former Vice President and current duck Dick Cheney flies into the path of a commercial airliner and is sucked into the jet engine]

MI:  Oh that’s really messy.

LC:  Dad!!

MI:  I’m sorry congresswoman.  It  looks like your father is now nothing but fleshy, bloody pulp on the outside of a jet engine.

LC:  This is Donald Trump’s fault.  He mean!  

MI:  I don’t think – 

LC:  And I’m not fat.  Stop calling me fat!

MI:  I’m not – 

[Congresswoman Cheney breaks down sobbing]

LC:  Trump’s mean.  Just like all men!  

MI:  Well that’s about all the time I have.  

LC:  Are you leaving me?  You’re mean just like all men!

[She runs away sobbing]

MI:  Jeesh.  No wonder Wyoming rejected  her.  [Raising voice]  YOUR FATHER’S A DUCK!

(19)

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