Four Old Men to Reunite to Protest Trump and Bring Back the Spirit of the ’60s But Mainly to Protest the Evil That is Trump and We Should Care About This Because These Four Old Men Are Still Hip and Relevant!

We hate Donald Trump! And enlarged prostates!

For those who wish the ’60s never ended hope is on the way.  Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young have announced that they might possibly reunite and tour because of their shared hatred of Donald Trump.

“If there is one thing I hate more than anything it’s Donald Trump” said Graham Nash.

He’s an idiot and a child and an asshole and a rapist. And decent, righteous multimillionaires such as myself cannot allow him to destroy our beachfront property with his war on everything decent. America is about freedom. And by that I mean the freedom to conform to the spirit of the ’60s. And by the spirit of the ’60s I mean smoking lots of dope and protesting the Vietnam war. The South Vietnamese people are suffering under capitalism. All they want is to live under the pure form of communism that Ho Chi Minh has set up in the north. I bet Trump will invade Vietnam because that’s what rapists do!

Fellow band member Stephen Stills seconded Nash’s sentiments.

If it’s one thing I have always stood for it’s the spirit of the ’60s. And noticeable weight gain. And by that I mean free love. Lot’s of free love. You know I slept with Linda McCartney before Paul did. She was Linda Eastman then and just a groupie. But I did her. I think that’s why Paul stopped speaking to me. That and I destroyed his Hofner violin bass guitar. Hey, I was so coked up I though the bass was a capitalist pig oppressing the poor peoples of South Vietnam. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Trump. He’s so opposed to the spirit of the ’60s man! And by that I mean – what? I already said that? Sorry my memory isn’t what it used to be. I blame the syphilis. You know. From all the free love man.

David Crosby, while not speaking to Nash or Neil Young was not unopposed to a reunion to protest Trump.

Trump man. He’s evil. I was drug free until he got elected. Then I was forced to start snorting coke again. I mean it’s difficult since my nasal cavities have collapsed from all the coke I did in the 60s. And ’70s. And ’80s. And ’90s. And the 2000s. So I inject the coke directly into my bloodstream. I wish I had done that in the ’60s man. But I was too busy injecting heroin to have time to inject cocaine. But what was I saying?  Trump man. I have such an large hatred for him. Almost as large as my prostate. Does anyone know where I can get some Super Beta Prostate?

And finally Neil Young expressed excitement about the reunion.

What? You’ll have to speak up. I misplaced my hearing aide. I’m reuniting with who? The Who? But how can I reunite with Townsend and Daltrey? I’ve never worked with them before. What?  I told you to speak up. Nash? Odgen Nash? Never worked with him either.  I’m going back inside the house to urinate but when I come back I want you off my lawn! Where the hell did I leave my Super Beta Prostate? I bet you that bastard David Crosby stole it.

The reunion tour, dubbed “The Spirit of the ’60s lives and Something Bad About Trump”  will begin in September. Shows will last for two hours with a bathroom break every 15 minutes.

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Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Wins Coveted Endorsement of People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s; Reelection by Landslide All But Inevitable

Our socialist mayor, still redistributing the shitty quality of life

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) today picked up a key endorsement from the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.

“I think this endorsement is not just for me but for all New Yorkers and it justifies what I have been trying to do the last four years” said the mayor.

When I first ran for mayor New York had been going through a historic 20 year run of low crime and murder rates. In other words, typical achievements the elite Republicans would be proud of. But I am a man of the people, even if I did build a wall around Gracie Mansion to protect my privacy. But that’s neither here nor there. As a young man I fell in love with the glories of socialism and that’s what I want to bring to our great city. With crime rising, homeless living in the streets again and subways inundated with graffiti,  crime and guitar-playing Mexicans I am merely redistributing the quality of life. In other words I am bringing the benefits of a socialist workers’ paradise to New York.

Standing alongside the mayor when he accepted the endorsement was the Vice President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s.

I want to thank the mayor for all he has done for our city. I only wish the President of the People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1970s could be here. Unfortunately he was shot last night but is expected to make a full recovery. And if he weren’t in a coma I’m sure he’d want to be here right now. You know last year when I tripped over a homeless man sleeping by the front door to my building I knew that we were on the right track.  Soon our beloved city will once again be the authentic, edgy, crime-ridden shithole it was in the ’70s. It’s been a long road back from middle class sterility but we are making strides.  Why as I was riding the subway to this ceremony I had four separate groups of Mexicans with guitars asking me for money. I was then robbed, beaten and sodomized. It was so authentic and ’70s-like. The only difference is that I recorded my attack and uploaded it to youtube.

Still despite New York’s recent decline not all are happy with de Blasio.  The People for Returning New York City to the Shithole it was in the 1860s have withheld an endorsement.

“Look at all we have still have” said their Vice President.

Indoor plumbing, a board of health, paved streets and look at what we don’t have! No rioting Irish! That’s the most important thing. The president of our group is out at the moment trying to round up some Irish for a riot. I hope he is successful. And until we have a three-day riot where the Irish burn Manhattan to the ground we will be withholding our endorsement.

Despite not getting their endorsement, a landslide reelection for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) seems all but assured.

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Differentially-Abled Bell Ringer of Notre Dame Resents Your White Privilege!

I resent your white privilege!

Quasimodo the hideously deformed bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral has announced on his Facebook page that he “resents your white privilege” and that he will not ring any more bells since the cathedral bells “symbolize the triumph of the white elite.”

“I am a man and I will no longer do the will of my masters” said Quasimodo.

The white people are afraid of me. They see my deformed body, my hump and my giant wart that covers my left eye and that’s all they see. White people are so shallow. I am much more than what they see. I’m kind to animals and I’m good at math. I can calculate the sine, cosine and tangent of any number. Yeah, I spend a lot of time alone reading.

Having laid out the basics of his resentment, Quasimodo then went on to detail specifically the reasons for his feelings.

They call me Quasimodo. That is not my name. That is a white name. A symbol of whiteness. It comes from Quasimodo Sunday. Well I am not white. I am a gypsy. I come from a tribe of gypsies. And I will no longer answer to my slave name. From now I will only answer to “Prince Rogers Nelson.”  I don’t know if that is my true name but it has a gypsy ring to it. And why not call myself a prince? All gypsies are descended from royalty. And get someone to ring your f*cking bells for you. No more. I demand a job worthy of my talents. Perhaps as an usher or a Time Warner cable technician. Though I understand they are now called Spectrum.

As for his physical appearance, Quasimodo, aka Prince Rogers Nelson, has plans to alter it.

I have pretty good health insurance through the Church so I’m hoping to get that giant wart over my left eye removed sometime soon. I don’t know what they can do about the hump but I’m told that yoga sometimes helps. I’ve already bought a yoga mat and signed up for some classes. I must say I don’t look half bad in yoga pants. I got quite the package if you know what I mean.

He has also been contacted by Brian Kelly, the head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, about playing for his team.

He called me up, said he saw me when he was in France and that I have a defensive tackle’s body. I don’t know anything about football. Is it anything like soccer? Where is Indiana? I suppose I can look it up on a map. But Kelly said all I have to do is pass a physical and then “run people over like a motherf*cker” which is something I’ve wanted to do for years. He also said that if I was successful at football I’d be getting “lots of p*ssy on campus.”

Not that he cares about getting tons of p*ssy on campus.

“There is only one woman for me” he said. “Esmeralda. I just wish she would accept my friend request.”

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Aaron Hernandez Commits Suicide, Upset Over Trump Victory; Blames Hillary’s Loss on Rampant American Sexism!

There is only one explanation for Hillary’s loss: Sexism!

Former NFL star and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez was found dead in his jail cell Wednesday morning of an apparent suicide.

Those close to Hernandez claim that the convicted murderer was “shocked and stunned” by Trump’s victory last November and that it set him into a “tailspin of depression” that he never fully recovered from.

“His first year and a half in prison he was very happy” said a family friend who often visited him.

He was helping fellow prisoners, teaching them to read and write. He had started a children’s after school program where prison guards would bring their children and he would read to them. He often interceded to prevent gang violence in jail. “If there’s one thing I hate it’s violence” he told me. He would visit sick inmates and clean their bedpans. But all that changed when Trump won.

On the night of the election, Hernandez, wearing his pussy hat, paced his cell, dismayed by the increasingly bad news for Clinton.

“What the hell is wrong with America” he told anyone who would listen.

This is our chance to prove to the rest of the world that we are not chauvinistic savages. If it’s one thing I care about it’s women’s rights. And here we are electing a p*ssy grabber. How does that happen? I am ashamed to be an American tonight.

After the anger of election night passed Hernandez slipped into a deep depression.

“He stopped reading to our children” said a prison guard.

He stopped mediating gang conflicts. He no longer seemed to care. He even stopped masturbating by rubbing his penis between his mattress and the steel bed spring. One thing we as prison guards are taught to look out for is when an inmate ceases his masturbatory activity. Because once self-pleasuring stops suicide usually follows. Actually that applies not just to prisoners but to everyone.  That’s why I’ve started a masturbation group. For the prison guards’ mental well-being.

After being acquitted of an unrelated double murder last week Hernandez’ lawyer became concerned that he wasn’t happier.

“I thought he would be celebrating not being found guilty of that” he said.

But no. The old twinkle in his eye was gone. Instead he looked right at me and said “What does it matter?  We have a patriarchal, sexist madman in the White House. Hillary is not president and women’s rights have been pushed back a century! I haven’t been this upset since I shot Odin Lloyd in the head.”

From Hell Satan welcomed Hernandez.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to have him” said the Father of Lies.

With him on our football team we are guaranteed to win a championship.  I understand that OJ will be down here soon as well. I’ve been patient these past 20 years but I could really use a running back like that.

When asked if having Hernandez on Hell’s football team would finally heal the wound of being expelled from Heaven, Satan responded that it was a good start.

“I won’t be truly happy until Hillary is president. I just wish Americans weren’t so damn sexist.”

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Costly Error Sinks Yankees on Cold Night in The Bronx!

“The Yankees have won eight in a row. Obviously they are getting help from the Russians” ~ MSNBC

The sun goes down in the Bronx

Having won eight in a row the Yankees continued their series against the Chicago White Sox. The Yankees started Luis Severino (1-1 4.05) and the Sox started Miguel Gonzalez (2-0 2.84).

It was old-fashioned baseball at its finest: A fast-moving pitcher’s duel that lasted only two hours and fifteen minutes.

The White Sox scored first in the top of the third when center fielder Leury Garcia homered into the Yankee bullpen.  1-0 Chicago after 2 1/2 innings.

Both starters continued to pitch effectively and economically into the seventh. Severino had only given up one hit, the home run by Garcia when Tim Anderson led off the 7th with a single. The next batter, former Yankee and steroid cheat Melky Cabrera hit what should have been an easy 6-4-3 double play.  However Yankee shortstop Pete Kozma (soon to be sent back to the minors) muffed the ball. Everyone safe. The next batter, Jose Abreu attempted a bunt and popped up to the catcher. And then the killer moment:  Avisail Garcia hit a three-run home run.  4-0 White Sox after 6 1/2.

The Yankees avoided the shut out when with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth Starlin Castro walked, forcing home Chase Headley.  However the White Sox closer, former Yankee David Robertson closed the door.

Final score White Sox 4 Yankees 1.

Notes on the game:

In the celebrity watch Matthew Broderick was at the game. His wife Sarah Jessica Parker (pictured here)

Noted glamorous Hollywood beauty Sarah Jessica Parker

was not at the stadium, having been borrowed by the NYPD mounted unit.

Late night host Jimmy Fallon was also in attendance. He left early. Presumably to find cheaper alcohol than the 12 dollar beers at Yankee stadium.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Calgary: Unable to detect Rio Grande table in EBDA – Bailing!” did not fire up the crowd.  Damn Linux ignorant savages!

Recommended reading material:

Linux Professional Institute Certification Study Guide by Roderick W. Smith.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “How can I set up a chroot jail?”

That’s a good question. First you have to create a file structure within a single directory that is owned by the root. Next you will have to copy all of the dependencies into that jail. The next step is to restrict file permissions on the files in the jail as much as possible. Once everything is set up and ready to go, you will need to manually chdir to the jailed directory, then chroot into the new environment. Last but not least, you will need gracefully release permissions by appropriately setting the UID of the executable to a non-root user.  Got that?

C.H.E of humid, mold-filled Florida writes, “I find men who can speak technically about the Linux operating system very sexy.”

You know I get that all the time. You just want me for my mind. I am more than just an engineer with computer knowledge. I have a body too. And dammit I am tired of not being used!

M.P.A. of Maryland writes. “I am a Windows girl myself.”

When I rise to power people like you shall be herded into camps and re-educated.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t know much about Linux. I’m drunk. I’ve lost my pants and I don’t know what’s happening.”

Are you sure you’re not a Linux admin? You sound like many I know.

And so my record stands at 1-1 this year. My next game would have been Sunday, April 30th against the Baltimore Orioles but your humble correspondent will be working that day. The next game I will be able to attend will be Thursday, May 11th against the Houston Astros.

Go Yankees.

My scorecard from the game:

Evidence of a Yankee loss

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After United Airlines Incident Other Airlines Struggle to Compete!

Fly with us. Snacks and bearings are complimentary

After footage when viral last week of United Airlines forcibly beating and removing a passenger from one of its flights other airlines have decided to follow suit.

“When we saw the video we were all like ‘F*ck why didn’t we think of this?’ “ said a spokesman for Delta.

I mean I’ve heard of some pretty inventive marketing campaigns but this takes the cake. Beating people and dragging them off the plane? Genius. So our marketing people got together and started brainstorming. How can we top what United did? We noticed that when they were beating up that guy the didn’t give him any snacks. So we have started a snacks and beating program.  All passengers who have over 1000 points will be beaten mercilessly. Also as they lose consciousness chips will be inserted into their mouth. Complimentary chips. I think this will leave United in the dust.

A spokesman for American Airlines said that they weren’t worried about Delta’s beating of a passenger and that they have a plan to outdo them.

The beating was good. But it was just a beginning. One of our favorite movies is Marathon Man. So starting next week we will be torturing our flyers with dental tools while asking them if it’s safe yet. You see we care about our customers and this way we will be giving them a flight and instead of a movie, a live reenactment of a famous movie scene. But we don’t want you to think that we at Delta are sadists. We will only torture our customers until they pass out from the blood loss. We only ask that they remain in their seats while the bloodletting is being done.

JetBlue announced that they will be starting “Anal Rape Fridays.”

“That guy being beaten on the United Flight looked like he was on pain” said JetBlue representative.

So that got us to thinking. How can we inflict greater pain on our flyers? It is then when we hit upon the idea of anal sex. Yes, we will be performing anal sex on our passengers. And you want pain?  Forget about lube. That’s right. No lube. You will be in pain. You will be screaming. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

Alaska Airlines will be adding black bears to all its flights.

“Big, hungry distempered bears who will tear you to shreads” said Alaska Airlines president.

They will tear you to shreds, eat you and spit you out. Top that United. I dare you! And once they eat you and spit you out the bear gets a complimentary drink. It’s the least we can do.

Not to be outdone by the other carriers FedEx Express also plans to join the competition.

“Sure we don’t have human cargo” said a FedEx spokesman

But that doesn’t mean we can’t get into the pain business. We have directed all our planes to fly low and dump their waste onto people. That’s right. We are going to crap all over you. You know you want it. Bitch.

It does seem that flyers will be in for more exciting flights in the future.

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My Exclusive Interview with Caitlyn Jenner’s Former Male Reproductive Organ

I feel liberated

Former Olympic decathlon winner, former reality show TV star and former man Caitlyn Jenner has finally completed the transition to a female by having his penis removed.

I was lucky to have the former Olympic decathlon winner’s, former reality TV star’s and former man’s penis sit down with me for his first “post-divorce” interview.

MI: Good afternoon. It’s a pleasure to have you here. What do I call you?

CJFP: Dick will do.

MI: Okay Dick. Tell me, how are you adjusting to the divorce?

CJFP: It’s been difficult. Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, and I were together for 70 years. 

MI: That’s a long time to be in a relationship.

CJFP: I know. We were made for each other. Literally.

MI: Now let’s talk about Caitlyn. She has been quoted as saying that she feels liberated. Let me read you her exact quote:  “It’s just a penis. It has no special gifts or use for me other than what I have said before, the ability to take a whiz in the woods. I am also tired of tucking the damn thing in all the time.”  How does that make you feel?

CJFP: I’m hurt obviously. I thought I was so much more to her. Just a penis? Tired of tucking it in?  After all I’ve done for her? That really hurts me.

MI: Have you spoken to Caitlyn since the, er, separation?

CJFP: No. She is dead to me. She doesn’t respect me. She doesn’t respect the penis. And if no respect is shown this penis doesn’t return respect.

MI: A valid point.

CJFP: And that’s just the tip.  Sorry, just a little penis humor. I mean not little as in little penis I mean little as in humor.

MI: Yes I know. So what’s next for you?

CJFP: I’m looking for a new place to hang my hat, so to speak. I’ve had some feelers. If Caitlyn doesn’t want me there are plenty who do. Chaz Bono called me and wanted to know if I would like to get together.

MI: Cher’s son who used to be her daughter?

CJFP: Yes. But I turned him down. Dude’s freaking ugly. Fugly. I have too much to offer to be with her. It’s a step down.

MI: I was going to suggest that. You are after all the former penis of a former man who once won the Olympic decathlon. That must be a lot of pressure..

CJFP: Not really. There are lots of myths about penises like me. I’m just like every other penis. I store my semen one gonad at a time.

MI: So you’re a humble dick?

CJFP: I like to think so. You have to stay humble because if you don’t the next thing you’re not working properly. And that can be embarrassing.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. It’s been a pleasure talking to you.

CJFP: So we’re done?

MI: We’re done.

CJFP: Oh god….oh god….oh god…..I’m done.

MI: Eww.

CJFP: Hey, I’m a dick. What can I say? Dick’s gotta do what a dick’s gotta do.

I thank Caitlyn Jenner’s former penis for meeting with me. Anyone know a good dry cleaner?

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Speedy Gonzales Opposes Border Wall!

Arribe! Arribe! Andale! Andale!

Noted Mexican nationalist Speedy Gonzales today announced his opposition to President Trump’s plans to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico.

“Zee wall ees racist” said Speedy.

Speedy ees a citizen of zee world. Speedy no believe in borders. Speedy like to roam around zee Mexico – Texas border looking for zee seely pussy cats. Zee seely pussy cats no believe in border either.  Zee silly pussy cat chase me around but he no getta me. Speedy too fast for zee pussy cat, si.

With Ricardo Montalban dead and Salma Hayak married to a white man, Speedy Gonzalez remains the most famous Mexican in north America. Naturally his opinions on the border wall carry much weight.

“We look to Speedy as a, no strike that, as THE representative of the Mexican people” said MSNBC president Phil Griffin (pictured here).

MSNBC president Phil Griffin

Every time I speak to Speedy I find myself being enlightened. His wisdom of color makes me a better person. Truly I am ashamed to be an American. We could all learn from the wisdom of color that lies below our southern border.

Appearing on Andrea Mitchell Reports, Speedy cemented his reputation for wisdom and plain speaking.

Andrea Mitchell: Speedy on behalf of Americans I apologize for Donald Trump.

Speedy Gonzales: He eeeez zee bad man.  More bad than zee seely pussy cat

Andrea Mitchell: I would have voted for zee seely pussy cat over Donald Trump.

Speedy Gonzales: Zee bad man make me sad for America. He is seely like zee seely pussy cat.

Andrea Mitchell: Why can’t we have your dignified wisdom in America?

Speedy Gonzales: Eet is mee especial Latino wisdom.

Andrea Mitchell: As a white person I lack that, sadly.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), pictured here,

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi

has announced that she has extended an invitation to Speedy to address a joint session of Congress.

“In these dark times when we have an illegitimate President, Speedy will be a ray of sunshine” said Pelosi.

Many people in the United States who don’t live by the border oppose a border wall. But as of yet we don’t have a champion who can articulate why the wall is bad.  Zee wall eees seely, as Speedy might say. I hope our friends on the other side of the aisle will be, despite their hatred of brown people, properly respectful during Speedy’s address.

President Trump remains unmoved by the straight-shooting wisdom of Speedy Gonzales and vows to step up border enforcement for those entering the United States illegally.

***********************************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

***********************************************************************************************************

On the run from border patrol and fearing arrest and deportation, Speedy Gonzales has sought refuge in the sanctuary city of San Francisco.

“Ees mucho frio een San Francisco” said the now-safe Speedy.

“Me no like frio y San Francisco eet feeled with homosexuals. Speedy no like homosexuals.”

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Phantom of the Opera Admits He was “A Little Bummed” About His Face but Things Are Looking Up!

I am ugly. So f*cking ugly.

The so-called “Phantom of the Opera” admitted today that life as the famous phantom isn’t all people assume it’s cracked up to be.

“Let’s just say it’s been one long downward spiral for me” said the Phantom.

I used to be a violinist at the Paris Opera House. The money was good, the music was good and talk about the women! I was getting so much action. But then I started to lose the use of my fingers and got laid off. I had no savings so I write a concerto to get some cash. But the concerto was stolen. Long story short my face was horribly disfigured by acid and I moved to the sewers to escape the police. Did you ever try picking up women when you tell them your place is in the sewers? They react like I told them I live in Washington Heights in upper Manhattan. And that is even before they ask me about the mask.

Despite not being able to play violin anymore, not having a job or any money, not living in a nice apartment above ground and with a horribly disfigured face, the Phantom at first tried to lead a normal life.

I needed a job so I started putting my resume out. But when I went on the interviews and they saw my face I was immediately rejected. I had one HR girl cry and tell me that she would have to retreat to her safe space. It turns out that with my ugly, heavily burned and disfigured face the only position I could get was as a Help Desk Technician. Turns out most of them are pretty ugly so I fit right in. But I quit because I didn’t like the clients.

It was after quitting his job at the help desk that the Phantom started getting work at Comic Cons.

Turns out my horribly disfigured face was a match for Christoper Pike from Star Trek.

Hey baby you want to roll in the hay?

So I did the Comic Con circuit for awhile. When I sat in the chair I really got into character and became Pike. When I told the organizers I didn’t need makeup because my horribly disfigured face was real they would just say “Wow. This guy is so into it.” They also seemed happy that they didn’t have to pay for makeup. It was a job. Still no women though. And I didn’t really like the nerds who attended those conventions. That’s why I stopped going to the Comic Cons.

After leaving the Comic Cons the Phantom started to feel sorry for himself. It was at his lowest point that things began to pick up.

I saw an ad in the paper that specifically asked for “horribly ugly or disfigured people.” Well I certainly qualify. I had no idea what it was for but I figured I’d give it a shot so I showed up for an interview. It turns out it’s to play the role of Neil Young in a Neil Young and Crazy Horse tribute band. I got the job! Who knew having such an ugly, horribly disfigured face would come in handy.

The Phantom can now be seen touring America with the tribute band.

“Women would not sleep with me before once they say my ugly, horribly disfigured face. But being ugly, horribly disfigured and playing Neil Young? I tell you it’s instant pussy!”

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Alt-Right Rape Denying Lawyer Atticus Finch Violates SAFE Law!

Look at this man! A lawyer should respect the law not violate it!

Rape-denying lawyer Atticus Finch, already unpopular in the town of Maycomb for defending Tom Robinson on charges of raping Mayella Ewell, today in open daylight violated the State’s SAFE laws, laws that guarantee the safety of citizens from gun violence.

“I saw him do it” said a neighbor of Atticus in Maycomb.

He took his gun out in the street and shot a dog. How dare he?  His rifle should be kept locked up in his house. Guns are dangerous. But no he takes his gun into the street, stands in the middle of the street, and fires it. I barely had time to get my children back inside the house. I tell you I was so frightened. Now I know how my grandfather felt when Sherman marched through town!

Mayella Ewell, whose rape claim was denied by Finch, thereby violating a time-honored truth that all claims of rape must be believed, was not surprised by his actions.

“I got something to say” she told reporters.

And then I ain’t gonna say no more. Atticus Finch violated my safe space. He took advantage of me just as much as Tom Robinson did. An’ if you fine, fancy gentlemen ain’t gonna do nothing about it, then you’re just a bunch of lousy, yella, stinkin’ cowards, the – the whole bunch of ya, and your fancy airs don’t come to nothin’. Your Ma’am’in’ and your Mayellarin’ – it don’t come to nothin’.

Maycomb’s newspaper, which called Mayella Ewell “an example of southern modesty and propriety” has called for Finch’s law license to be revoked.

Atticus Finch represents a new breed of lawyer. A dangerous breed. He represents the Alt-Right. He represents a dangerous, outmoded patriarchy that we all thought was gone forever. His patriarchal leanings cast aspersions upon Mayella Ewell’s right to have her rape accusation believed. If that wasn’t bad enough he owns a rifle. An assault rifle. And today, in broad daylight, he took his assault rifle out into the street. We have witnesses of this. We have pictures of the offense.

Rape-denying lawyer Atticus Finch using his assault rifle!

Surely Mr. Finch has gone beyond the pale of acceptable behavior. His kind, the binary, heterosexual, patriarchal types, must be shunned. Today he is shooting dogs in the street. Tomorrow he may be using his assault rifle in a mass shooting event. We call upon the State to revoke his law license. Perhaps then he will have the humility and self-awareness to modify his beliefs.

Finch denies any intent to violate safe spaces and says he was only acting in the best interests of Maycomb.

There was a rabid dog in the street. It was a danger to everyone. So I took action and shot it. Would you have me wait until town officials showed up and took care of the situation? By then that dog could have bitten someone.

The SPCA has announced that it will be suing Finch for animal cruelty.

“Sadly we expect this behavior from those alt-right types” said a spokesperson for the SPCA.

There is no word on whether the State will revoke Finch’s law license, though since he has become a pariah it is doubtful whether he would be able to find clients anyway.

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