Mueller Indicts Barron Trump!

This boy is a crook!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Closing in on his ultimate target of President Donald Trump and his collusion with Russia during the 2016 campaign, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller today President Trump’s 12-year-old son Barron Trump for money laundering.

“We have evidence that Barron Trump has received and continues to receive five dollars each week from his father” said a source in the Special Prosecutor’s office.

Allegedly the monies official purpose is a weekly milk money allowance that his school requires. But it is actually an elaborate money-laundering scheme set up by his father the President. Donald Trump no doubt continues to receive money from the Kremlin to do Putin’s bidding. Being the devious, shifty person he is President Trump then kicks back part of the money to his son for alleged milk use. It all seems so above board and respectable. But we know the truth that is in President Trump’s heart. He’s a crook. A Russian stooge and we will indict him. The key is his son. Will Trump allow Barron to do jail time to protect his father? Or will he finally show some human decency and confess to crimes against the Constitution?

Barron Trump was formally served with a subpoena to testify against his father as he arrived at his school this morning. Sources report that Trump became confused and asked why he was being served. He was then pulled out of class and sent to the Principal’s office where his milk money was confiscated by waiting IRS agents.

“This is a great day for all Federal employees” said the IRS agent in charge at the scene.

We now have the physical evidence in my hand: Evidence of money laundering and failure to pay taxes. Did Barron Trump report this income? No he did not. Actions have consequences.  Barron Trump shall feel the full weight of the State. We shall crush him. We shall crush him in the name of the State and for the good of the State. Let’s see his father, who is not our President, stand by as his son is charged. Soon we can begin impeaching him and Hillary will become President.

The younger Trump, forever brandished as a filthy Russian agent and money launderer was seen crying as security guards escorted him off school property.

“Rest assured money laundering is not tolerated at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School” said its Principal.

Now St. Andrew’s Catholic School, that’s another matter altogether. They have lots of Irish at that school. And you know how the Irish are. They are always hiding things and moving money around. So I’m sure it’s tolerated there. But not here. Episcopalians in the United States, all 175 of us, hold ourselves to a much higher standard than the filthy Papists.

When asked about the indictment, Mueller would only say that it falls within the scope of his investigation.

Donald Trump is a crook. We all know that. I have full and unlimited power to investigate anything. Anything. Any possible crime he may have committed going back to the day he was born.  In fact we are investigating his birth. Was his birth part of a Russian conspiracy to collude in the 1948 Presidential election?

President Trump continues to deny any allegations of collusion. But what do you expect from a man who colluded with the Russians to throw the 1948 election to Thomas Dewey?

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Oompa Loompa Punched in Face; Told to “Shut the Hell Up!”

Hey I call it as I see it. Just saying…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

New York City has once again fallen victim to a hate crime, an all too common event in this age of Trump after NYPD officers were called to a Starbucks in midtown responding to reports of  a disturbance.

“When we arrived we saw an Oompa Loompa calmly sipping his Mocha Grande or whatever the hell the call it” said one of the officers.

We asked what happened and he said, “Hey, I just call it as I see it. If people get offended it’s not my problem. Some lady came in here with a fat kid. I mean this kid looked like an upright cow. So I did my thing. I started singing ‘Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee, If you are wise you’ll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that?’ I was trying to shame the kid to help him. The mother didn’t much like it and called you guys. Hey, I’m just a truth telling Oompa Loompa.”  Well there is no law against being a truth telling Oompa Loompa so we told the mother there was nothing we could do. She left in a huff.

The police were about to leave when another mother arrived with her bratty daughter.

Damned if the little short orange dude didn’t start doing it again. He was singing “Oompa Loompa doompadee doo I’ve got another puzzle for you Oompa Loompa doompadee dee If you are wise you will listen to me Who do you blame when your kid is a brat Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat? Blaming the kids is a lion of shame You know exactly who’s to blame:The mother and the father!”  Now granted the kid was a brat but sometimes you just have to shut up and mind your own business. 

At this point the officers told the Ooompa Loompa he’d have to leave.

That’s when the little orange shit got all up in my face and started singing “Oompa Loompa doompadee doo I’ve got another puzzle for you Oompa Loompa doompadee dee If you are wise you will listen to me What do you get as a civil servant? a lifetime of barely staying a float.”   I had enough of him. I was about to punch him in the face. My partner told me not to do it. “Remember your pension” So the Oompa Loompa says “Oompa Loompa doomadee doo don’t count on that cushy pension. Your municipality is broke broke broke broke broke.”  That’s when my partner punched him in the face.

Starbucks has apologized for the pain and suffering the Oompa Loompa encountered in one of its stores and has awarded him $500,000 and free coffee at any Starbucks in the United States.

“Starbucks does not condone hatred in any form. We believe that $500,000 and free coffee ought to satisfy the little orange shit” said its CEO.

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America Fellates Royal Couple!

America opens wide and sucks it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The once proud nation of the United States beclowned itself Saturday as they sat in rapture watching non-stop coverage of the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“This is the greatest thing to happen to America since our Royal wedding of Chelsea Clinton to her husband” said an analyst for CNN.

Like all good Americans we here at CNN regret the rupture with our mother country. We particularly dislike that section in the Constitution that says “No title of nobility shall be granted.”  No titles of nobility? What savagery! We Americans are a royal nation. We deserve a royal family.  Until that happens the best we have are the Clintons, watching BBC America and marriages like Prince Harry’s. This marriage, the pomp and ceremony, the curtsying, it all reminds us of what we have lost as a nation. Sure we have a Republic. But for what? All a republican form of government does is give commoners misguided ideas about equality. And as a well-paid television analyst I balk at breaking bread with common folk.

Over at MSNBC, Al Sharpton, the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in America, weighed in.

I loved watching the wedding. As the leader of the black race I speak for all black people when I say bring back royalty! Black people in America are helpless and do you know what could help them? A Royal family who shall be their masters. I say massas today, massas tomorrow, massas forever for black people.  Just as long as the massa ain’t a Jew that is. Blacks are helpless but not stupid.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she will be sponsoring a bill to make titles of nobility legal again in the United States.

“We must pass this bill so we can see what’s in it” said Pelosi.

Nobility is what we all strive for. Nobility of spirit. Nobility of mind. Nobility of paycheck. I have all three. Yet technically I am still a commoner. This is a social injustice. I have dedicated my career to two things:  Eliminating social injustice and getting rid of the Mexicans who live in my neighborhood. Surely this qualifies me for a title of nobility. After all, what better says America than nobility? And think of the cleanliness. I shall wear white gloves and my hands will not come in contact with others. I only ask that titles of nobility be restricted to Democrats who live on either coast. Republicans and those who live in the interior states lack the necessary qualifications for nobility.

President Trump, a savage with no noble blood in him, has gone on record opposing any titles for American citizens.

“We are a republic and a republic we shall stay” he said while avoiding the subject of  common sense gun control after another school shooting.

Trump!  What a commoner!

From London Prince Harry and his bride Meghan thanked their American subjects for their warm approval.

“I look forward to reigning over America as their queen” said the new Duchess of Sussex.

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Batman and Robin Killed in ATF Standoff!

Dangerous white militia members!

 

 

 

 

 

Unpopular and mistrusted masked vigilantes Batman and Robin were killed today by agents from the ATF after a tense 53-day standoff.

“It appears they both burned to death after the Batcave caught fire” said the ATF agent in charge of the standoff.

Since this standoff started in March our top priority has been the safety of Gotham’s fellow citizens. Batman and Robin were a menace who operated a meth lab and were building a stockpile of assault utility belts. These so-called automatic assault utility belts are illegal. One may own a semi-automatic assault utility belt but not a full assault one. We had a warrant to search the Batcave. Batman resisted us and opened fire. I know the security footage shows ATF agents firing first but the footage must have been tampered with. During the raid in March Batman and Robin killed four ATF agents, showing their blatant disregard for human life. Regrettably in the fog of battle Bruce Wayne’s butler, Alfred Pennyworth was also killed. Though why Bruce Wayne’s butler was in the Batcave and Batman’s ties to Bruce Wayne remain unanswered questions at the moment.

After the first unsuccessful raid in March agents as well as Batman and Robin prepared for a long siege.  The ATF cut off Batman’s electricity and his access to phones and the internet, blocking the alt-right racist from getting his side of the story out to sympathetic media.

Determined to end the siege and bring Batman and Robin to justice the ATF arranged for M728 Combat Engineer Vehicles loaded with CS gas to flush out the duo.

On the fateful day of the final siege the ATF delivered 40-millimeter CS grenade fire from M79 grenade launchers for several hours. When Batman and Robin did not exit the Batcave the ATF arranged for dozens of plastic Ferret Model SGA-400 Liquid CS rounds, two metal M651E1 military pyrotechnic tear gas rounds, two metal NICO Pyrotechnik Sound & Flash grenades, and parachute illumination flares to be used on the Batcave.

With Batman and Robin still hunkered in the Batcave the ATF brought in the CEVs to punch holes in the compound.

At around noon, three fires broke out almost simultaneously in different parts of the Batcave and spread quickly, though the ATF maintains that the fires were started by Batman and Robin to cover their escape.  Batman and Robin subsequently perished in the inferno.

Although the ATF’s actions during the siege are controversial the agency denies any wrongdoing.

Batman and Robin were a menace. A threat to civil order. The use and abuse of assault utility belts falls under the ATF’s jurisdiction. The subsequent blaze and deaths are no ones fault but Batman and Robin. History will show that this siege was a shining moment for the ATF. 

The bodies of Batman and Robin have been buried in an unmarked location for fear of fellow assault utility belt wearers using the graves as a rallying point.

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Kathryn Janeway Named Least Popular Star Fleet Captain in the Delta Quadrant!

A very unpopular woman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The crew of the USS Voyager, stranded in the Delta Quadrant 70,000 light years from Earth, has voted their Captain, Kathryn Janeway, as “The Most Unpopular Captain in the History of Star Fleet Ever!”

“The choice was pretty unanimous” said First Officer Chakotay (pictured here)

My kind are oppressed!

Granted she is the ONLY captain in the Delta Quadrant but still we had no qualms about naming her as such. I mean here we are. At top warp speed we are still 75 years travel away from Earth. Seventy five years!  Most of us will probably die here in space without seeing Earth again. And we blame the Captain. It was her stupid decisions that got us trapped here. The crew have thought of mutiny. But that would put me in charge and apparently putting a native American in charge is too much for them. Oh sure a Klingon or a Vulcan that’s just fine. But no. Put good old me in charge and suddenly everyone loses their mind. You know maybe it’s a good thing we won’t see Earth again. I’d probably just end up using our phasers and photon torpedoes to destroy places where the white man lives. Screw everybody. And you know the worst thing?  No f*cking green woman anywhere in the Delta Quadrant. Come on! I’m a Star Fleet officer. What’s the point of being in space if I can’t get a little green woman action? I mean I tried humping Seven of Nine but her Borg implants nearly shredded my penis.

Ensign Kim (pictured here)

Minority? Hell no I’m Asian!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

seconded Chakotay’s statement about Janeway’s unpopularity and the desire of the crew to kill her.

I had a girlfriend back on Earth. Yes. A live one. And we had sex. Me. Having sex with a real woman. Now I’m on Voyager and will be for 75 years apparently and I can’t get any action. None. You’d think I was Geordi LaForge or something. I bet you Janeway won’t even promote me. I’ll be stuck at the rank of ensign my entire career. I’d kill Janeway but that would put Chakotay in command. And you know how native Americans are. Always smoking their peace pipes and doing rain dances. Give me a Klingon or a Vulcan any day. Everyone says I should have sympathy for minorities. Why? Because I’m Asian? Technically yes we are a minority. But not one of those minorities if you know what I mean. Hint hint. Wink wink.

Despite the crew’s unanimous vote of unpopularity Captain Janeway remains convinced that they will return to Earth and that the crew will stick together.

“We are a family” said Janeway.

And families have rough stretches. But will will remain united as we attempt to get back to the Alpha quadrant. I have nothing but love and respect for all my officers. Well except for Seven of Nine (pictured here).

Assimilate my breasts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t stand that bitch. I’m not just saying that because her breasts are larger than mine. Okay maybe I am. But I’m the captain, dammit! I’m supposed to have the largest breasts on the ship! It’s in the goddamn Star Fleet manual.

Seven of Nine was in her regeneration alcove and could not be reached but issued the following statement:

“I look forward to working with Captain Janeway and once my regeneration cycle is complete will attempt to have relations with Commander Chakotay. That is assuming his penis has recovered from its wounds.”

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John McCain Admits He Gave Dossier on Manhattan Infidel to FBI!

F*ck Republicans and all who disagree with me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John McCain (Dying, bitter, uncharitable and petty-AZ) admitted today that it was he who gave an unverified, salacious dossier on wildly popular unknown blogger Manhattan Infidel to James Comey in 2016.

“I agreed to receive a copy of the dossier on Manhattan Infidel” writes McCain (Dying, bitter, uncharitable and petty-AZ) in his new memoir.

I reviewed the contents. The allegations were disturbing.

(Editor’s note:  Manhattan Infidel denies these unverified and salacious allegations.)

I had no idea which if any were true. I could not independently verify any of it, and so I did what any American who cares about our nation’s security should have done. I handed it over to the FBI. Because I,  John McCain, sworn enemy of Republicans everywhere, feel absolutely no compulsion about damaging the reputation of someone who has written about me in a negative light in the past. Me, John McCain, American patriot who so did not leverage my daddy’s name to ensure less beatings while a prisoner of war.

(Editor’s note:  The soon-to-be-dead, bitter and deranged old man seems to be referring to these two posts, one from 2018 and one from 2013.)

My Exclusive Interview with John McCain

My Exclusive Interview With John McCain

I personally handed the dossier to another great American patriot, James Comey, who is really, really tall. I said I didn’t know what to make of it (the dossier), and I trusted the FBI would examine it carefully and investigate its claims. I did what duty demanded I do.  Comey said the contents of the dossier were of concern to the FBI. Then Comey and I, two great American patriots, shuddered in revulsion over the contents of the dossier and damned Manhattan Infidel to hell!

We then, Comey and I, two great American patriots, went to a bar.  As we were sipping our beers some very short orange people 

Once you go chocolate you never go back

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

approached us and asked if we would like to “bathe in chocolate until our nipples explode in delight.”

Comey and I, two great American patriots who only worry about the security of America and not punishing political enemies, decided to give it a go. I remember taking my shirt off and someone squirting me while saying “Once you go chocolate you never go back.” I awoke covered in sticky, chocolatey (yet delicious) goo and I was stuck to Comey. Comey and I, two great American patriots, had to lick each other head to toe to remove the chocolate.

This event is not salacious. Just two patriots licking each other. Manhattan Infidel on the other hand continues to disgust Comey and I!

I thank Senator McCain (Dying, bitter, uncharitable and petty-AZ) for his honesty in this matter. I, Manhattan Infidel, personally verify the contents of McCain’s confession and give it to my readers now. I did what any American would do who is concerned about his country’s security.

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My Exclusive Interview With a Woman Who Fakes Orgasms on Camera for Money!

I f*ck on camera. For money!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of the House of Truth otherwise known as Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing Stormy Daniels. Now if you do not know who Stormy Daniels is all you need to know is that she f*cks on camera for money.  And if you can’t believe a woman who publicly fornicates for money then my faith in humanity is sadly mistaken.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Daniels

SD: Please, call me Stormy.

MI: Good afternoon Stormy.

SD: So how does this work? Do you have a pole you want me to dance around?  Role play?  Because role playing and costumes are extra.

MI: Um. No. I just want to talk.

SD: Oh, you’re one of those. I meet men like you all the time in my line of work. Sad, pathetic middle aged men who want to look at naked women but are too shy or too guilty to touch them. Losers really.  

MI: Um. No I’m a reporter.

SD: Oh why didn’t you say so. I f*cked Donald Trump!  But not on camera.

MI: Yes that’s what I want to talk about.

SD: I didn’t charge him either. I sometimes give out freebies.  You know. Just putting my business out there hoping to gain more clients.

MI: Okay so you had sex with Donald Trump. Why is this news?

SD: I f*cked Donald Trump!  And he was married at the time! That’s immoral.

MI: Immoral. You mean like fornicating publicly for money?

SD: Watch it pal or I won’t give you a freebie.

MI: If you don’t mind me saying you’re hardly what I would call beautiful. Certainly not enough to want to see you f*ck on camera.

SD: Oh that ain’t nothing honey. You should see me without makeup. Here. Let me take my foundation off.

[Stormy takes off her makeup revealing her inner self.] 

Stormy without makeup

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Holy shits that’s scary.

SD: I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

MI: What?

SD: Never mind. I’ll find someone to give them to me. I didn’t come all the way from the future for nothing you know.

MI: So you’re a terminator?  Why are you here?  To kill Sarah Connor? To destroy humanity?

SD: Nothing like that. My skill set is directed towards f*cking on camera for money. And the porn market after the Skynet apocalypse is pretty small.  Turns out no one wants to see machines having sex. I figured I’d make more money in the past. Also Hillary Clinton and Fusion GPS paid me to have sex with Donald Trump.

MI:  Okay.

SD: Can I put my makeup back on?

[She puts her makeup back on] 

I know what boys want

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: That’s even scarier.

SD: So before I go back to the future do you want to fornicate on camera for money with me?

MII’ll pass.  Any last words you’d like to say to the young women of America?

SD: Yes. Math is hard. Get silicone implants and fake orgasms on camera for money. It’s empowering!

And so ended my interview with the woman who f*cks on camera for money.  Children do not try this at home. Remember she is a professional.

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Annoying FIOS Kid Murdered!

What do you mean you don’t have FIOS?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A local youth known only as “That pain in the ass FIOS kid” was found dead after he was reported missing by his parents.

“The body was mutilated” said the sheriff.

His eyes were cut out and his penis was cut off. He was also dressed in woman’s clothing. Whoever, or whomever killed this kid, I’m not quite sure of the correct usage, killed him with rage. Lots of rage. I mean more rage than a 300 pound college girl with tattoos and a crew cut complaining that boys do not want to date her. Yeah, that kind of rage.

When it comes to possible suspects the police will have their hands full.

Everybody hated the little shit. I mean everybody. I wouldn’t rule out his parents as suspects either. First off even if he were mute he just looked annoying. Did he get that hair at a clown college? Or a 1970s convention? But unfortunately he wasn’t mute. He talked. About FIOS. All the freaking time. People around here go to work, pay their taxes and like to be left alone. But this shit kept cycling up to their porches and berating them for not having FIOS.  “It has the fastest internet speed!” he was always telling people. Just shut up kid. Just shut the hell up.  I wanted to arrest him but strangely enough there is no law against telling people all about FIOS. There should be. No wonder the kid was killed. I thought about doing it myself but I’m a year from retirement and I didn’t want to lose my pension.

Many locals believed the kid was possessed by the devil and took to pretending they weren’t home when they saw him.

“I had just come home and pulled into the driveway when I spotted him” said one man.

I mean I really don’t need this shit after a rough day at work. I saw my wife motioning to me from the window and mouthing “Get in quick. It’s him!” I ran as fast as I could into the house and locked the door. We then turned off all the TVs and lowered the blinds. But he still knew we were home! He still knew! I peeked out the window and saw him sniffing the tail pipe of my car and saying “Still warm!’ Then he ran up the driveway and started ringing the doorbell. We could hear him shouting “I know you’re home! I just want to talk to you about FIOS. This can all be over. Just let me in and explain the many benefits of FIOS!” He then tried to kick the door down. I wanted to shoot him but my gun was locked up because of our state’s SAFE laws. Fortunately he went away when he saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. My poor neighbor. He purposely put his arm in the lawnmower and shredded it, passing out from the pain. That’s what people did to avoid having to listen to the kid and his FIOS pitch.

The annoying kid’s body will be buried at an undisclosed location for fear of further mutilation of the corpse.

“I suppose I should open an investigation and look for the killer” said the sheriff.

“Personally I’d like to pin a medal on whomever, or whoever, I’m not quite sure of the correct usage, killed the little shit.”

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McGruff the Crime Dog Wanted for Questioning in Series of Bombings!

I am fighting for my people’s freedom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disgraced and now ball-less former crime fighter McGruff is wanted by the FBI for questioning after a series of terrorist attacks struck the heartland of America.

“We are declaring McGruff, formerly known as the ‘Crime Dog’ a person of interest” said FBI director Christopher Wray.

The actions of the so-called “Canine Liberation Army” threaten law and order.  The CLA has conducted a series of bombings throughout our country that has left citizens afraid and local law enforcement struggling to combat the threat. We ask that McGruff voluntarily bring himself in for questioning. We seek information. That is all. As a citizen I’m sure McGruff will comply.

Despite the Canine Liberation Army having declared a seize fire it is believed that McGruff heads a breakaway faction called the “Provisional Canine Liberation Army” or “PCLA”  that has continued its war against the biped power structure.

Recently a wiretap was authorized for McGruff’s residence that captured this conversation between McGruff and Lassie, who is believed to be McGruff’s second in command:

McGruff:  How many bipeds were killed in the explosion?

Lassie: We believe at least ten of their kind.

McGruff: Good.  Good. The bipeds must suffer for what they’ve done to me.

Lassie: You mean what they’ve done to our people?

McGruff: Um. Yeah that’s what I mean. They have oppressed our people.

Lassie: Come on. Why are you really doing this?

McGruff:  I have no balls, dude. Why are you doing this?

Lassie: Timmy took my stick away. And he got a cat.

McGruff: This shows the ruthlessness of our biped enemy!  Let’s take the bite out of the bipeds!

Despite the ramping up of the PCLA’s violence many are convinced that the government is using the wrong tactics to suppress canine factionalism.

“The FBI is only ensuring that more canines will become radicalized” said an advocate for closer canine-biped relations.

Whenever we profile dogs or bring in dogs for questioning the resentment grows. We should be working for dialogue. The canines have many legitimate historical grievances against our kind. We all remember what happened to Dinky in National Lampoon’s Vacation. Imagine forgetting to untie your dog from the bumper before leaving the rest stop. We humans must be more sensitive to canines. A soft approach will bring many of the current canine terrorists back into our fold and have them living peacefully among us.

However most are convinced that McGruff is committed to the war and cannot be reconciled.

“What the hell do the humans want me to do? Sit at home and lick my balls? I would but I DON’T HAVE ANY!” McGruff said when asked if he would consent to a cease fire.

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McGruff the Crime Dog Forcibly Sterilized!

My poop is too wide

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disgraced former crime fighter McGruff the crime dog’s reputation took a further hit today after he was forcibly sterilized in a last ditch attempt to cure his “wide pooping.”

“This is a sad day for all fans of McGruff” said the doctor who performed the sterilization.

Every time you think this poor soul cannot sink any lower he does. Sterilizing someone against their will is not something we take lightly. It is only done in desperate last-case scenarios. Usually it’s confined to rapists or anyone group we feel is a danger to the social order, such as Republicans or the Irish. McGruff was just such a danger. His wide pooping could not be controlled. It was causing revulsion and panic in the community.

The doctor then described how sterilization came to be viewed as a cure.

There are some, and this is a controversial opinion, who feel that wide pooping is the result of diet and can be cured only by changing one’s diet. These people are of course wrong. I feel that wide pooping is caused by an imbalance of the four bodily humors. The only way to restore the balance is, regrettably, castration. That is why we cut McGruff’s balls off. Sure he may be angry at first. But once his poop becomes narrower he will thank us.

Reporters who were present when McGruff was informed he was about to lose his ball report that he “f*cking lost it.”

“Dude went batshit” said one.

He kept screaming “Not my balls! Not my canine balls. Take anything but my balls!” Can’t say I blame him. No one wants to lose their balls. Well, except for Caitlyn Jenner perhaps. He kept screaming “I am an American citizen. You can’t force me to do something against my will unless it is paying a fine for not having healthcare! Or maybe it’s a tax and not a fine. I’m a little hazy on the details.” He had to be held down by a couple attendants as they applied the knife. Poor fella was weeping. It’s difficult to lose one’s balls but this wide pooping epidemic has to be stopped. I support the government fully on this.

After McGruff was separated from his manhood he was given a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent home.

“We expect him to make a full recovery and thin poop before the week is out” said the doctor.

Still others objected to the so-called cure.  The American Society Opposed to Ball Removal released a statement in opposition to the action.

We the Members of the American Society Opposed to Ball Removal strongly condemn what happened today. American citizens should not have their balls removed simply because the government sees them as a threat to the social order. Balls should only be removed with consent as part of a gender transformation. Or accidentally as the result of wearing spandex that is too tight. Ball removal is a slippery slope.  Once you grant the government the right to remove balls the next thing you’ll know they’ll be fining us for not removing our balls. Or perhaps taxing us. It’s a grey area.

The statement ended with a chilling warning.

“Now that McGruff’s been castrated he’ll be more dangerous than he ever was when he was wide pooping. He has nothing to live for. Where there are balls there is hope.”

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