Things That Prince Harry Has Applied to His Royal Johnson

Prince Harry rubs the lotion on its skin or he gets the hose again







Prince Harry, former working Royal, in his memoirs discusses rubbing lotion on his family jewels and how he believed that the spirit of his mother was in the room while he did it.

I know what you’re saying.  What?  I mean I know the Royals are inbred but…..WTF?

Don’t believe me?

In the interests of fair play and full accountability we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel present the full list of items that Prince Harry has applied to his penis:

  • Siracha sauce

In his memoirs Prince Harry calls this “an unsuccessful experiment” that left his Johnson burned and throbbing.  “My Royal Sceptre felt like it did after all those prostitutes in Afghanistan.”

  • Madonna

To be fair, who hasn’t had Madonna applied to their penis?

  • Jelly

There seems to be some controversy on this.  Did Prince Harry apply jam, jelly, or preserves to his penis?  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, in the interests of science, have applied all three to their Johnsons.  We believe that the Prince most likely applied preserves.  Jam and jelly were too thick and required a knife.

  • An alligator

See above.  Same principle.  Was it an alligator or a crocodile?  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have not attempted to recreate this so we must claim ignorance.

  • Pete Best

Well that man needs the work, doesn’t he?

  • An alien from Area 51

“Once you go alien, you never go back” says Harry in his memoirs.  “They’re very slimy and that feels so cool on my body. That’s why I married Meghan. Come on. You don’t actually believe she’s from Earth do you?”

  • Thrust Washers from a crankshaft

“Thrust washers help reduce the lateral movement of the crankshaft.  I was worried that my shaft had too much lateral movement during sex and thought it would help.  It didn’t and I ended up in the hospital.”

  • More Siracha sauce

“I thought maybe it was the type of siracha sauce which caused my distress so I bought a different flavor and applied it to the Royal Johnson.  Turns out it was NOT the flavor.  I give siracha sauce on the penis one star out of five.”

  • Hot apple pie

“It looked like fun in American Pie.  Turns out sticking the Royal Member in hot apple pie just burns.  Don’t trust Hollywood.  They lie!”

  • Madonna (again)

“At first it was fun.  Something to cross off my bucket list.  But have you seen her lately? No seriously get a good look at her.  I vomited more than Linda Blair in the Exorcist.”

  • A guillotine

“If I had to do it over again I would not do this. But Meghan said I had to chop it off so I could feel what oppression is really like.  But on the bright side…..oh hell there is no bright side.  I have no penis.”

And there you have it.  A complete listing of things that Prince Harry has applied to his penis. Manhattan Infidel stands by this story and prides himself on reporting items others in the press are afraid to touch.  (Especially if it’s Harry’s penis.)


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Harry clearly went from being a perfectly good Officer to a man insane. Just look at Madonna’s latest videos.

    Then there’s pot, magic mushrooms and Meghan.

    Message to market? Fire that PR firm.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      In years to come the phrase “HarryandMeghan” will be entered into psychiatric journals as a symptom of mental illness.

      E.G., Boy he really HarryandMeghaned, didn’t he?

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