Jolly Green Giant Has Attack of Diarrhea; Destroys Small Town!

Oh god I have the urge to poop!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Jolly Green Giant, long seen as a harmless character, had a disastrous attack of diarrhea today which resulted in an entire town being destroyed.

“It was the most horrible thing I’ve even seen” said one local resident.

Parents were trying to shield their children.  People were praying.  People were drowning. This is a small town and everyone knows everyone else. To see people I’ve known my entire life swept away and drowned in the flood was just too much.  I tell you I haven’t this triggered since Trump was sending mean tweets.

Source say that the trouble began shortly after the Jolly Green Giant was gifted with a batch of Gingerbread cookies.

“He kept going around town saying ‘I have the urge to poop’ ” said another townsperson.

We just thought he was joking. He’s a character he is.  Normally he’s quite harmless and we tolerate him. Well, mostly harmless. He only wears a green loincloth that looks like it’s made from leaves. So when he’s standing over you everyone can see his junk. And that can be pretty traumatic.

But people soon learned the horrible truth:  The Jolly Green Giant wasn’t kidding.

He was down on Main Street when he squatted and said “Oh god it’s coming out of my ass like lava. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all those ginger bread cookies.” And then boom!  A river of molten brown liquid rushed down Main Street killing everything in its path.

Rescue personnel were called in to help survivors.

“We were able to save those that were clinging to treetops” said a National Guard spokesman.

Unfortunately most were buried under the brown river. We were able to reach a few by cell phone. They all said the same thing: They were trapped in their cars and liquid feces was pouring in. Then we lost contact.  We knew they were all dead.  And probably smelled pretty revolting.

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Reacting to the tragedy the Biden Administration has announced a new three billion dollar “Build Back Better Shitholes” initiative.

“If only there was a system of federally funded holes in the ground this would never have happened” said White House spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre.

President Biden, as all Democrats do, feels very strongly that Jolly Green Giants should be able to squat and relieve themselves without shame. In large ditches. Probably 20-25 feet deep. Built with union labor. But if that gets too expensive we’ll just have some undocumented immigrants do it.

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The Jolly Green Giant has expressed remorse over his bowel incident.

“I’m pretty lactose intolerant and am thinking of changing my diet. I certainly have no desire to destroy another town. Unless the town was filled with deplorables.”

(71)

2 Responses

  1. xtron says:

    happy valley ain’t so happy today, is it?

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