This man deserves money!

Joseph, son of Jacob and Rachel, has been granted reparations by Canaan to compensate him for his time as a slave.

“We’d like to apologize to Joseph” said a spokesman for the Kingdom.

No doubt the original sin of slavery is a stain upon our Kingdom. (Unless of course you are talking about Philistine slaves.)  Also no doubt it was painful for Joseph to be sold into slavery by his brothers. I mean but really Joseph shouldn’t have been surprised.  He had ten older brothers and he was his father’s favorite. I would have sold him into slavery myself.  But needless to say we are sorry. Very very sorry.  And we know that an apology will not be enough to compensate Joseph for his pain and hurt. Hence the reparations.

The exact terms of Joseph’s reparations have not been revealed to the public but it is believed to contain the following:

1. 1,000 mules
2. 600 camels
3. 100 wives

When asked how the cash-strapped Kingdom will pay for the reparations the spokesman confessed to not knowing exactly.

I supposed we’ll just raise taxes. That will pay for everything and I’m sure citizens of Israel will be eager to pay the taxes, if for no other reason than to erase the stigma of slavery. I’m confident the Kingdom will have no problem coming up with the money. If not we’ll just throw a few more Philistines on the fire to appease Yahweh.

Rumor has it that Joseph is just a test case and that the Kingdom will widen the reparation field. Already many are speculating that bald subjects will be given money for their pain and suffering.

“I know Leviticus 13:40 says that the man whose hair falls off from his head is clean but I think they deserve reparations anyway” said one Jerusalem resident.

As for Joseph he is ambivalent about his new-found largesse.

“I don’t know how to tell them that being sold into slavery was the best thing that ever happened to me” he said.

I had it pretty sweet in Egypt. I was the Pharaoh’s vizier. I was in charge of stuff. And I don’t want to say I wet my beak but I was doing pretty damn good. Much better than I would have been doing in Israel. I didn’t want to come back but my brothers guilted me into it. They kept saying “Your father is very old and frail and wants to see you.”  Stuff like that.

Despite his misgivings Joseph plans to accept the reparations given to him.

“I could definitely use the mules and camels. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the 100 wives though. Do you know how much money I’m going to have to spend buying new shoes for all of them? No seriously? How much? I may have to get a second job.”

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