Linus Expelled From Elementary School for Binary Activity!

All I did was bring a blanket to school!









Local child Linus Van Pelt has been expelled “with extreme prejudice” from the elementary school he was enrolled in after teachers and administrators became concerned over his “binary and nationalistic” beliefs.

Sources report that Van Pelt had always been on the school board’s radar.

“He brought his blanket to school” said a member of the board.

He called it his “security blanket.”  Naturally this triggered many of the students.  They wondered why Linus got to be secure while they live in the hellhole of failed expectations. We asked Linus to keep his blanket at home.  After all, if he had a security blanket then all the students would want a security blanket. And then the entire district would be triggered.

When Linus refused to keep his security blanket home a compromise was reached and it was decided that he could bring the blanket as long as he called it his “blanket of oppression.”

We at the board felt that calling it a blanket of oppression would help remind students of the structural and institutional racism of the white man.  We are all oppressed by the white man. Yes I know I’m white as well but I’m a Democrat and that means I’m sophisticated enough to fight the oppression that my people do.

Soon however new trouble arose when Linus was selected for the school “Holiday” play.

We don’t like to call it a “Christmas” play as Christmas is an inherently non-inclusive holiday. We want to bring the holiday more in line with Islamic values. That’s why we threw the homosexual art teacher off the roof. It’s a start anyway. But back to Linus. He insisted on adding a speech about the true meaning of “Christmas” to the play. Well once we found out the hate-filled nature of the speech we became extremely triggered and expelled him from school.

Not only has Linus been expelled but his parents have been banned from attending any school board meetings.

These parents. Really!  They think just because they raise their children that they know what’s best for them. Do they have advanced degrees in education?  I don’t think so. We are the experts. We are the ones who know what children really want. And what children really want is to change their gender.

Note:  As a service to my readers I now present Linus’s speech from the Holiday play. I must warn people that the language is strong and hateful. If any readers become triggered we suggest they contact their local mental health hotline or donate to the Democratic Party.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Linus, what an utter, stereotypical racist

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