Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing the John and Yoko of the British Royal Family, Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
MI: Good afternoon to the two of you.
H & M: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.
MI: Many of my readers want to know how Harry and Meghan are adjusting to life in America.
H & M: Please, call us the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
MI: Um. Okay. So how are the Duke and Duchess of Sussex doing?
M: I’m a Duchess!
H: She’s a Duchess!
M: That’s like more important than the Queen or something.
MI: I somehow don’t think so.
M: Did you know that Dutchess County, New York spells Duchess with a “t”? They’re stupid.
H: Incredibly stupid people.
MI: Anyway, the two of you have a new documentary out on Netflix where you tell your side of the story. For those who haven’t watched –
M: Why would anyone not watch? I’m a Duchess!
H: She’s a Duchess!
MI: Yes we’ve established that. But for those who for whatever reason haven’t watched, what is the number one thing you’d like them to know about the two of you?
M: It’s our desire for privacy and to be left alone.
H: Yes. Privacy and to be left alone.
M: And we will keep on doing documentaries and interviews until enough people have seen us and agree to leave us alone!
MI: Harry, is this true? Do you agree with what your wife, the Duchess of Sussex has said?
H: She speaks for me. I’m just a ginger. Your modern world frightens and confuses me.
MI: Um. Okay.
[One of Harry and Meghan’s servants brings over a glass of wine and gives it to Meghan.]
M: How dare you! Château le Blanc ’68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
H: Off with his head!
[The servant who dared serve the room temperature Château le Blanc ’68 has his head placed in a guillotine.]
Servant: No, no. Please I beg you! Let me live!
[His severed head rolls to Manhattan Infidel’s feet.]
MI: You have your own guillotine?
M: We bought it on eBay. I’m a Duchess you know.
H: There is much to admire in the French character. The guillotine is their greatest achievement. That and surrendering to the Germans.
MI: I’ve never had anyone beheaded in front of me before. It’s rather upsetting to see.
M: Well what would you do if one of your servants brought room temperature Château le Blanc ’68?
MI: I don’t have any servants.
H: No servants? Honey are all Americans such savages?
M: Yes dear. They are a savage, cruel and uncultured race.
H: Why I never!
MI: That’s about all the time we have. Do you have any last words for my readers?
M: We just want to be left alone.
H: Yeah, what my wife said. Leave us alone and give us some privacy.
M: And watch our documentary where we talk about how much we want privacy and to be left alone.
H: Yeah, what my wife said.
M: Shut up dear. No one wants to hear what a ginger has to say.
And so ended my interview with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say I hope they get the privacy they so richly deserve.
(40)
What a great interview! Did Meghan pull a faux curtsy or were you spared that?
It was actually Harry who curtsied. Meghan was too busy cutting off the heads of servants who were too slow to fulfill her wishes.