Not black!  Not even close!

The tight-knit breakfast cereal world was rocked today by the news that Count Chocula is not in fact African-American.

“By now you’ve heard the rumors” said The Count.

And I want to get out ahead of them and tell you the truth. My truth. And my truth is that from my earliest years I have always self-identified as black.  I know that in reality I am not black. I’m actually descended from a long line of Finnish reindeer herders. And it doesn’t get any whiter than that. But in my reality I am black. I am proud to be black and I ask all my black brothers to rise up and fight the man!

For years Count Chocula has been dodged by rumors that he is not black.  Frankenberry tells a story of visiting Count Chocula at his home and finding that he was watching hockey.

“He also had a large collection of Garth Brooks CDs.  I knew this was not normal for a person of color” said Frankenberry.

During the summer of 2020, Count Chocula was curiously reluctant to join in the mostly peaceful rioting that was engulfing the nation.

Al Sharpton (pictured here),

One of the most famous civil rights icons in America!

the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in America, relates this anecdote:

I dropped by his place and tried to convince him that as a well-known person of color it was his duty to join the mostly peaceful rioting.  Do you know what he said? These were his exact words: “I don’t know. I was going to alphabetize my ’70s action figure collection today.” I left his house and haven’t spoken to him since. I should have known he was a cracker.

While the short-term effect of his admission to being Finnish on his career is still unknown, most breakfast cereal experts say that it should not harm him in the long run.

“It’s pretty common for those in the breakfast cereal community to lie about their ethnic background” said one.

Tony the Tiger? Not a tiger. He’s actually a warthog. Lucky the Leprechaun? Not Irish at all. He’s Welsh. While technically that is still Celtic it’s not the same thing. Trix the rabbit is actually a hare. You get the idea. It’s just show biz. No big deal.  Though Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is actually a cuckoo bird. And a drug addict. I hope he gets the help he needs.

*********************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

*********************************************************************************************

Count Chocula’s wife, a former exotic dancer that he met on a film shoot, has announced that she is filing for divorce.

“I thought I married a black man. But to find out he’s actually Finnish? This is total betrayal. I wonder if Boo Berry is black?

Regrettably not black

I’ve always been attracted to him.  If not there’s always Quicky the Nesquick Bunny.

Rumored to be black

 I mean he looks black. If not I can always go back to stripping. I mean exotic dancing.”

No word on whether Count Chocula plans to contest the divorce.

(458)