You can have Helen. She’s too high maintenance for me.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the King of Sparta, King Menelaus himself who through the miracle of Skype joins us from the plains of Troy.

MI: Good afternoon King Menelaus. Can you hear me?

KM: Yes I can hear and see you.

MI: How goes the war?

KM: It’s coming along fine. 

MI: How long has the war been going on?

KM: Ten years. But I predict a quick resolution. Achilles went out to meet Hector and we should be hearing back from him soon.

MI: So tell me, what brought about this war?

KM: They stole my wife.

MI: Yes. Helen. The most beautiful women in the world.

KM: Well I wouldn’t go that far. She’s okay. I thought she was hot at the time but all the constant nagging has made her less attractive to me. Plus she’s high maintenance. Very high maintenance.

MI:  I see. And when Paris abducted her and took her to Troy?

KM: Dude, to tell you the truth I was almost relieved.  Let her nag him for change.

MI: But you still went to war?

KM: A bro’s got to protect his honor. Besides everyone was watching. I couldn’t appear weak.

MI: You actually met Paris during the war and engaged in combat. How did that go?

KM: Originally I was going to kill him and claim victory but when I saw the pained look on his face I said, “Helen?” and he said “Yeah dude. What a high maintenance bitch.” We had a good laugh about that. You know, bro to bro.

MI: So you didn’t kill him?

KM: No I let him go. He’s not such a bad guy, Paris. And I do feel sorry for him having to deal with Helen.

MI: When this war ends will you be taking Helen back to Sparta with you?

[Pause]

KM: I suppose I should, though I don’t really know how that will work out.

MI: Meaning?

KM: Its complicated. Our relationship is bound to be strained. And then there’s the whole high maintenance bitch thing.

MI: But you do intend to go back to Sparta?

KM: Yeah. I have lots of King shit that I have to do. You know, executing those who oppose my will. Sleeping with the hot farmer’s daughters. Executing – no wait I already mentioned that.

MI: How will you be getting back?

KM: Same way I got here. By ship. I don’t anticipate any problems getting home. Odysseus said I could hitch a ride with him but something tells me that’s a bad idea. The man absolutely sucks with directions.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

KM: Hey before you go, would you like to take Helen off my hands? You know, when the war ends.

MI: Um, thanks but I don’t think so. 

KM: Why? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

MI: What about the high maintenance bitch thing?

KM: Oh, yeah. I kind of let the cat out of the bag there, didn’t I.

MI: Yes you did.

And so ended my interview with the brave, yet henpecked King of Sparta.

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One of the infamous disintegrating pistols

It was revealed today that the Pentagon has purchased 15 “Disintegrating Pistols” manufactured by Acme Corporation.

“This is a new era in military technology” said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph F. Dunford.

Their sales rep, a person named Duck Dodgers, told us the guns were fool proof. Imagine being able to disintegrate an enemy upon first contact. Obviously that would be a major advantage in warfare. We could walk into Mosul and disintegrate the enemy. And once we gain the ability to disintegrate the enemy we can get rid of all our environmentally unfriendly bombs and tanks and aircraft carriers. Well, we might keep an aircraft carrier but only if we can get it to run on wind power.

The raw materials for the disintegrating pistol cost $125 dollars. When Dunford asked Dodgers how much the Acme Corporation was asking for their guns he was told two million per gun.

That’s a little bit of a markup obviously but nothing the Pentagon hasn’t done before. What? You think we’d try to negotiate for a lower price? This isn’t a private company. We’re the government.

Asked how soon the disintegrating pistols could be delivered Dodgers informed said that he had 15 in the back of his minivan.

I was pleasantly surprised that Dodgers had some with him. He showed me one. It had a tag on it that said “For children between the ages of four and seven.” He ripped the tag off and said I should ignore that. So I did. I wrote out a check for 30 billion on the spot and gave it to him. I then asked Dodgers how I could get in touch with him if there were problems with the pistols. He gave me a phone number. I tried calling but it was out of service. Maybe he’s on vacation or something.

Instead of testing the new weapons they were immediately sent to the middle east and given to soldiers. To their surprise the pistols disintegrated when used instead of disintegrating the enemy.

I suppose we should have tested them first. Testing a product would have been smart and productive. But like I said we’re not a private company. We’re the government. We have different rules.

Of the fifteen soldiers given the disintegration pistols, 12 were killed outright by ISIS and two were captured and later beheaded. One soldier was able to fight his way to safety by killing his ISIS opponents. For his efforts the soldier was court martialed.

He regrettably killed the Muslims who were trying to kill him. And the army will not tolerate Islamophobia in its ranks.

In a related note the Joint Chiefs have announced that all machine guns will be replaced by muskets.

“Machine guns give off heat which causes climate change. The muskets are much more Earth friendly” said Dunford.

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One’s a sellout. The other too radical

Kermit the Frog and Gumby the green clay humanoid, two of Hollywood’s brighter lights in the green community continue to exchange nasty words as their feud grows more bitter. Both see themselves as rightful heirs to Martin Luther King Jr. and the struggle to free non-whites from alt-white nationalism.

“Gumby?  He’s a St. Patrick’s Day cookie. Green on the outside but white inside” said Kermit when asked about his rival.

Gumby for his part feels that Kermit is a disrespectful thug honing in on his social justice territory.

“Kermit is nothing. He’s a punk” Gumby is quoted as saying.

Where was he all those years I had to use the servants entrance to the studios here in Hollywood? He was nowhere to be found. I was the one who broke the green color barrier. You know those green ladies from Star Trek? Fake. They had white actresses put on green paint. Talk about Greenface! I organized a boycott of Star Trek and forced them to hire some real green actors. I did it. I did it and faced the consequences. I was beaten by the Klan and had the Democrats turn a fire hose on me. But I did it for my people. Where was Kermit during this?  Living a comfortable middle class experience. He’s a phony.

At stake is the leadership and direction of Hollywood’s burgeoning green community.

While Gumby is respected for his accomplishments many of the younger green people feel that Kermit’s fire and radicalism better suits them.

Kermit electrified the green community with his famous “It’s Not Easy Being Green” speech, reproduced here full,  which he delivered at the 2016 Democratic National Convention.

It’s not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It’s not easy being green It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over ’cause you’re
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green’s the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why Wonder,
I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful
And I think it’s what I want to be

“What this speech shows is Kermit’s intense pain and self loathing brought on by the prejudice inflicted upon him by the white majority” said a sociology professor at UCLA.

He speaks of the pain of being green, how he is overlooked, how he wishes he were a different color. But in the end he triumphs and loudly proclaims that green is beautiful and that green lives matter. This resonates with youth. It’s something that Gumby would never say. Gumby the accommodater who lives in a white neighborhood, dates white women and is seen by many as selling out his green brothers.

Despite or maybe because of the need to present a unified green face Kermit and Gumby have agreed to meet to seek common ground.

“These green punks today think they got it rough? They don’t know the meaning of the word. I remember being used as a green screen for low budget movies.  Try that on for size” said an emotional Gumby.

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I don’t understand the problem. I’m just being friendly.

Casper, known locally as the “friendly ghost” was attacked and brutally beaten today when his path accidentally crossed with an Intersectional Feminist Pride Parade.

“He’s lucky to be alive” said a doctor in the Emergency Room who treated the injured ghost.

All his ribs were broken and his genitalia had been torn off, which is kind of odd since ghosts aren’t supposed to have either bones or genitalia. In addition his skull had been fractured. The poor ghost has a long rehab ahead of him. When I told him the extent of his injuries he started crying and said,”My genitalia. My ghostly genitalia! I will never have the chance to be a friendly ghost again.”  Poor guy was pretty devastated. We gave him a shitload of sedatives. When that didn’t work we put in him a medically-induced coma.

The trouble for Casper began when he was flying around town looking for attractive young women to be friendly with. Spotting one such female he swooped down and introduced himself.

Unfortunately for Casper the woman in question was a well-known local Intersectional Feminist. Calling her oppressed sisters over she pointed out Casper as a “potential white rapist.”

At first Casper tried to defend himself, saying that he only wanted to be “friendly and spread the joy.”

Triggered by the word “spread”  which they took as code for “penis in vagina sex” the intersectional feminists surrounded the friendly ghost and began punching him.

One woman grabbed a brick from a nearby construction site and began pummeling Casper over the head.

“We don’t need your white ghost gaze” she screamed as her fellow feminists cheered.

Casper attempted to crawl to safety all the while begging for his life.

“Please I beg you. I will never be friendly again” he wimpered.

This only served to further enraged the triggered intersectionals who surrounded Casper and began kicking him.

It was at this point that one feminist reached down, grabbed his genitals and ripped them off. Holding it above her head as one might a trophy she shouted “Look at this girls. One less external male genitalia in the world and I tore it off!”

Satisfied that they had defended their honor the feminists proceeded to the nearest safe space. The newly-mutilated Casper was spotted by a passing motorist who called 911.

The mayor has asked for calm and appealed to Casper’s fellow ghosts not to commit any acts of revenge.

“We could all learn from the intersectional feminist community” said the mayor.

We in the male community have committed many sins against the female race. When one reflects upon our history of oppression against women today’s attack on Casper, while regrettable, is the result of legitimate historical grievances. On behalf of all men I ask the feminist community to forgive us and to continue giving us teachable moments.

As for Casper he remains in his medically-induced coma and has been charged with inciting a riot.

His doctors are confident he will make a full recovery.

“If by full you mean being a eunuch the rest of his afterlife, then yes he will make a full recovery. But it’s not all bad. Certainly having no genitalia will reduce his testosterone level and testosterone is the root of all evil.”

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