Hire me to sing at your political event!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ it is my pleasure to interview* none other than legendary singer/songwriter James Taylor.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Taylor.

JT:  Please, call me Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

MI:  Um.  Okay Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

JT:  I’ve seen her naked.

MI:  Yes, well anyway you were in the news recently when you performed “Fire and Rain”, a song about suicide, at the White House as President Biden touted his economic policies.  The same time you were doing this the Dow was tanking over 1000 points.

JT:  Your point being?

MI:  It’s just that many people have found that juxtaposition ironic. Do you have any comment on it?

JT:  I’ve seen Carly Simon naked.

MI:  Yes you already mentioned that.

JT:  No seriously.  I have pictures.  Contact my management for price and availability.

MI:  I’ll pass.

JT:  Speaking of price and availability I had so much fun singing at the White House that I’d like to announce that I am now available to sing at birthday parties.

MI:  Okay that’s interesting.  Why exactly?

JT:  I feel that celebrities are so distant from their fans nowadays and I want to bridge that gap and become more a singer/songwriter of the people.

MI:  Really?

JT:  Okay, I have two ex-wives that I have to pay alimony to and I haven’t had a hit in 50 years.

MI:  That makes sense.

JT:  Listen, will you give me money for this interview?  All I need is 20 bucks.  That’ll pay for a MetroCard.

[Manhattan Infidel hands James Taylor twenty dollars.]

MI:  So what’s it like doing birthday parties.

JT:  Oh it’s fantastic.  I love the atmosphere at birthday parties and the joy I can bring to a crowd.

MI:  As a performer that must be very satisfying.

JT:  It is.  I also get to talk about politics.  Politics and singing.  It’s what I do best.

MI:  Do the people that hire you mind you bringing politics into the mix?

JT:  They don’t mind at all.  In fact they appreciate it.  Well, except the last party I went to.  It was some kid’s fifth birthday party.  I started singing “Fire and Rain” and the father was all “Jesus he’s singing that suicide song again!” And then when I finished the song I asked the kids if they’ve begun transitioning yet.

MI:  Transitioning?

JT:  The kids were confused at first.  But then I told them that there was no need to be binary when it comes to gender.  I said they can change their gender and that it was easy.  All the doctor does is cut their penis down the middle and fold it back to create an artificial vagina.

MI:  How did the kids react to that?

JT:  They all started crying.  Some threw up.  That’s when the father kicked me out.  He must be a Republican.

MI:  I see

JT:  Thank god he paid me my twenty dollars beforehand.

MI:  Yes very fortunate.

JT:  Hey can I perform at your birthday party?

MI:  No I’ve already hired someone.

JT:  Who?

MI:  Carly Simon.

JT: Son of a bitch!

And so ended my interview* with James Taylor.

*Note: My lawyer has informed me that I have to tell people that said interview may never have happened.

(9)

You have disappointed me with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter!

With the war in the Ukraine raging on and the supply of Russian oil dramatically reduced, the world may have the honor of finally stopping global warming and achieving a carbon-free net-zero energy existence.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ want to do our part to achieve this great event.  Accordingly we have prepared a question and answer post that we hope will help our many readers to usher in this glorious age.

• I keep reading about carbon-free and net-zero and the World Economic Forum makes it sound very enticing.  What does this entail exactly?

A carbon-free and net-zero existence, which your lords and masters at the World Economic Forum wish to bring into existence is a system where people like you, which for purposes of this article we shall call “serf” are tied to the land using compost toilets, candles and no indoor heating. We in the elite shall continue to fly around the globe in private jets to warn the serfs that sea levels will rise if they continue to use carbon irresponsibly.

• Wait.  What?  No indoor heating?  Winter’s coming up and it can get pretty cold. My aged parents live with me.  We all need indoor heating to survive.

You ignorant serf.  You have disappointed all of us with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter.  You don’t need heat.  Look at this girl’s face.

Do you want this girl to cry?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See her pain.  Do you want to make Greta Thunberg cry?  What kind of man are you?

• But my parents! I can survive without heat but they are infirm.  They will die without heat.

Humans are pollutants.  They desecrate Mother Earth.  Your parents have to make room for the young and healthy.  That’s the rule of Mother Nature.

• That’s so cruel. I love my parents!

What is more important to you?  A selfish attachment to the people who by an act of fornication brought you into this world, or Greta Thunberg and those of us at the World Economic Forum?

• My parents!

You disgust me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don’t need indoor heating.  Just chop down some trees, set them on fire and warm yourselves that way.

• But won’t chopping down our forests lead to more global warming?

Probably.  That’s why you need us at the World Economic Forum to fly around the globe in our private jets to warn serfs like you about using too much carbon.

• I don’t buy your argument!

You won’t need to buy anything in the new world order. You shall own nothing and be happy.

• And what about you?

We shall have our private planes.  It’s necessary to spread the word of a carbon-neutral existence.

• But what about – 

Is that a sandwich you are eating?

• Yes I am hungry.

A sandwich? What’s wrong with eating bugs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don’t need processed foods.  They lead to global warming.  The Earth’s dirt  contains many nutritious bugs.  Eat bugs!

• Will you be eating bugs?

No.  Bugs are not part of the menu on board our private planes.

• If you aren’t going to follow the rules why the hell should I?

[Pause]

That is a valid point. Off with your head!

• Wait. What?

[Armed guards arrive and put the questioner in chains]

This person is not carbon-neutral!!  To the guillotine!

• Help!  Help!

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ hope that this brief question and answer session will prepare all my readers for the glorious future that awaits us all.  And stay tuned for my next post “101 Delicious Bug Recipes.”

(14)

Welcoming and tolerant. As long as you’re rich and white.

Recently Martha’s Vineyard was in the news after a planeload of migrants were dropped off on the island. Realizing that the presence of Hispanics on Martha’s Vineyard would hurt their tourism industry the migrants were immediately sent to another location. The town council then convened an emergency all-night session and came up with some new slogans that they hope will bring the tourists back.

My source* on Martha’s Vineyard has sent me the new prospective tourism slogans and has asked me to disseminate them with the hope that the public at large will decide which one to use.

And so hearkening to my commitment to truth and facts** I now present  the complete list of potential tourism slogans for Martha’s Vineyard:

1.  Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse – no wait, wretched refuse?  Hey did we mention how Beautiful Rhode Island is this time of year?
2. We are the welcoming committee of America.  Now get off our lawn.
3. We love Hispanics.  Can you work on my roof?  What?  You’re Venezuelan not Mexican? I thought all you people were Mexican.
4. Venezuela? Is that even a country?
5. No seriously. Is it like South Mexico?
6. If you think Martha’s Vineyard is pretty try Nantucket Island.  We have boats leaving every hour.  Be on one.
7. For the last time Chappaquiddick is another island. Yes we are only 100 yards away by boat but technically Ted Kennedy did not kill that girl while on Martha’s Vineyard.
8. Do you Venezuelans know any Mexicans? I need my roof worked on.
9. No? Well then can you work on my roof?  It’s leaking. 
10. What the hell do you mean you can’t work on my roof? F*cking Venezuelans!
11. Nantucket sent you back to us? I thought they were welcoming and inclusive.
12. Make note:  Possible Republican infestation on Nantucket.
13. Make note:  Ban all citizens of Nantucket from visiting us.  We don’t want those nasty Republicans walking around our island.
14. Republicans all look alike to us so it’s difficult to spot them.
15. Do you think the Republicans from Nantucket would wear yellow badges on their clothing so we can tell who they are?
16. If you can’t work on my roof do you at least have some pot for me? And don’t tell me no.  All you Hispanics sell pot.
17. Monkeypox?
18. I have lesions on my anus, probably put there overnight by sneaky Republicans.  You know how they are.
    
19. For the last time we are not named after Martha Stewart.
20. All are welcome.  But if you’re Hispanic at least work on our roof or have some pot for us. Is that too much to ask?

* I don’t actually have a source on Martha’s Vineyard. I did but he died when he fell off someone’s roof while working on it.

** My commitment is really to beer and pizza but for the sake of appearances I have to say “truth and facts.“

(39)

The Dark Lord!

President Biden travelled to the lowest circles of Hell on Thursday to give a speech warning of the dangers Republicans pose to the new world order.

“I want to thank the many demons here for allowing me to speak tonight” said President Biden

As I look out at the audience I see many good Democrats here. Judas Iscariot, Muhammed the Prophet, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and of course the big man himself, my good buddy Satan, the Father of Lies. Where’s Ginger?  You know the girl from Gilligan’s Island.  I was told she’d be here too.

Satan spoke up and reminded the President that while it is true that all gingers have no soul and are condemned, the actress who played Ginger was still very much alive.

“She’ll be here soon. Just be patient” said Satan.

The President then gave the reason for speaking from hell.

I wanted to give a speech in front of loyal Democrats.  And where will you find more Democrats than here?  Actually the original plan was to give the speech at Independence Hall in Philadelphia but the crime rate in that city is incredible. It was then that my chief of staff suggested Hell, saying that I’d be safer in Hell and that since I was going to be there soon anyway I might as well take a look around.

With the introductory remarks out of the way, the President started into his speech.

My fellow Americans, please, if you have a seat, take it. If you don’t have one, steal it. If you have no seat to steal then wait for a Demon to flay your body into a seat.  I speak to you tonight from sacred ground for Democrats:  Hell, the birthplace of slavery and socialism.  Two beliefs dear to all Democrats.

But as I stand here tonight, equality and democracy are under assault by people who disagree with me.  And disagreeing with me is disagreeing with Satan.  And disagreeing with Satan will get you flayed.

We, the people, have burning inside each of us the flame of liberty that was lit at Independence Hall.  Okay maybe not the flame of liberty.  More like the fires of hell that are burning inside us. Liberty. Hell.  They are the same thing.

Donald Trump and the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism and love of liberty that threaten the very foundations of our Hell.

Now, I want to be very clear —  very clear up front: Not every Republican, not even the majority of Republicans, are MAGA Republicans.  Not every Republican embraces their extreme ideology. Many Republicans will also end up in hell.

And these mainstream Hell-bound Republicans are Republicans I can work with.

I’m an American President — not the President of red America or blue America, but of all America. At least the Americans in Hell.

History tells us that blind loyalty to a single leader and a willingness to engage in political violence is fatal to democracy. That’s why I’m asking all Americans to follow my good friend Satan and if possible give him ten percent of everything they make. And not just because Satan gives me ten percent of his cut but because it’s the right thing to do.

We, the people, will not let anyone or anything tear us apart.

As the President said this a demon flew about his head, tearing apart one of the condemned.

Look at that.  Must be a MAGA Republican!

We’ve seen FBI agents just doing their job arresting the opposition as I have directed, facing threats to their own lives from their own fellow citizens. Such disrespect for Satan’s minions shall not be tolerated.

Even in this moment, with all the challenges we face, I give you my word as a Biden: I will sniff your child’s hair.

I ran for President because I believed we were in a battle for the soul of this nation.  And looking about me at all the condemned souls in Hell I know one thing:  These are my people.  These are loyal Democrats.

May God protect our nation. And may God protect all those who stand watch over our democracy. God bless you all.  Democracy. Thank you

The President then left the podium to thundering applause from the souls in attendance.  Actually it might have been thundering applause or it might have been the sound of souls being flayed by demons.

The President’s speech was well-received in Hell, although the big man, Satan himself, took issue with Biden asking for God’s protection.

“After all I’ve done for him he thanks God?  That does it. I’m giving an order to the next prostitute Hunter goes to:  Give the S.O.B. herpes!”

(21)

Producers hope to bring in a younger demographic to replace the Liz Cheney character

Producers of the J6 television show have announced that with the departure of Liz Cheney they will bring in new characters and go for a “younger demographic.”

“Look Liz was very popular” said one of the producers of the J6 show.

She was the breakout character and we hated to lose her. But she was, how shall we say this, old.  She was old and we needed to go for a younger audience. And that’s why we think Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch will be a perfect fit for the J6 show.

While officially the parting with Cheney is said to be amicable and the producers are wishing her well, there were rumors of tension on the set.

“Liz liked food” said an anonymous source.

She used to break into the other dressing rooms and steal food.  Once she stole Adam Kinzinger’s Happy Meal.  Adam was devastated and spent the day crying.  He wouldn’t even come out on camera for the hearings.  I don’t know which was more unprofessional:  Adam staying in his dressing room or Liz on camera with Happy Meal remnants all over her face.  Another time she tried to eat Jerry Nadler. She got as far as his kidneys before throwing it back up.  It was just a bad look.

Worried that the tension on the set would ruin the hearings, producers decided to buy out Cheney’s contract.

We gave her $100,000 dollars and a lifetime supply of corn dogs.  Actually when we gave her the corn dogs she said she didn’t need the money. Then she started stuffing the corn dogs into her mouth.  I tell you she must give out more gas than a Russian pipeline to Europe.

With Cheney out of the way the producers looked around for a viable character to replace her, one that would appeal to the younger demographic they were after.

Originally we tried to get Ariana Grande. But with the #metoo movement most of the producers were afraid she’d sue if we told her she’d have to sleep with us to get the job. It was then that we settled on Cousin Oliver. 

He’s young! he’s hip! He’s cool!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Hell everyone loved him in The Brady Bunch. He was the show! He is young, hip and will bring in the viewers we are after.

Producers have already prepared an episode arc with Cousin Oliver for the J6 show.

We think Cousin Oliver would be a perfect comic foil for Jerry Nadler.  Imagine the hijinks that would ensue if he stole Nadler’s bacon cheeseburger deluxe or large pizza.  Yes Liz also stole food but she was too serious about it. But with Cousin Oliver it will be comedy gold! I can picture it now: Nadler will chase him around the podium trying to get his food back while Yakety Sax plays in the background.

Cousin Oliver has told reporters that he is pleased to join the show.

“It’s going to be fun. And the producers said all I had to do to get the job was sleep with them. Do they mean a sleep over?  Should I bring my pajamas?”

And now, without further adieu, Yakety sax!

(28)

Bow down before me serfs!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing Liz Cheney, congresswoman from Wyoming.

MI:  Good afternoon congresswoman Cheney.

LC:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  The past couple years you have represented the State of Wyoming in congress.  If I may, your lopsided loss must have been quite a shock.  To what do you attribute your falling out of favor with the citizens of Wyoming?

LC:  When I first ran for congress I couldn’t decide between Wyoming or one of the Dakotas.  I wanted to start out small. Being a congresswoman was only going to be temporary anyway.  I have my sites set on larger fish.

MI:  Are you saying you are going to run for President on the Republican ticket in 2024?

LC:  Yes and I shall be unstoppable.  How can I lose?  I have the support of MSNBC and CNN.  Those two networks are always saying such nice things about me.

MI:  Neither of those networks could be described as catering to the Republican base.  Could that be the reason you were defeated in a landslide?

LC:  [Pause]  Donald Trump is a mean person!

MI:  Wyoming rejected you because Donald Trump is a mean person?

LC:  Yes!  He’s very mean. He’s a meanie!  Mean  people like him used to make fun of me during recess at school.  They called me “fatty” and “cow.”

MI:  I see.

LC:  [Starting to cry]  He’s mean!  Why is everyone always being so mean to me!  

DC:  May I say something? 

War! War! WAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Ladies and gentleman it’s none other than former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Good afternoon Mr. Vice President. May I ask where you are calling from?

DC:  For security reasons I cannot tell you that.  Suffice to say I am currently in the process of transitioning into a duck.

MI:  A duck?

DC:  Yes.  I’m currently pre-op but hope to be a full post-op duck soon.

MI:  Why a duck?

DC:  As a duck I can fly over foreign countries and bomb them.  I am having my duck ass retrofitted with missiles as we speak.  I love war.  WAR!

MI:  You’re insane.

DC:  Hold that thought.  I am about to transition into a fully post-op duck.   Yes. I can feel it.  I’m becoming a duck!  Quack! 

“Duck” Cheney!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Okay it looks like Vice President Cheney has turned into a duck.

DC:  Quack!  Quack!

LC:  You go dad!  Fly free and bomb foreign countries, without a declaration of war or congressional authorization!

DC:  Quack!

[Former Vice President and current duck Dick Cheney flies into the path of a commercial airliner and is sucked into the jet engine]

MI:  Oh that’s really messy.

LC:  Dad!!

MI:  I’m sorry congresswoman.  It  looks like your father is now nothing but fleshy, bloody pulp on the outside of a jet engine.

LC:  This is Donald Trump’s fault.  He mean!  

MI:  I don’t think – 

LC:  And I’m not fat.  Stop calling me fat!

MI:  I’m not – 

[Congresswoman Cheney breaks down sobbing]

LC:  Trump’s mean.  Just like all men!  

MI:  Well that’s about all the time I have.  

LC:  Are you leaving me?  You’re mean just like all men!

[She runs away sobbing]

MI:  Jeesh.  No wonder Wyoming rejected  her.  [Raising voice]  YOUR FATHER’S A DUCK!

(19)