I got nothing to hide man. Abolish the IRS!

Robin, renowned sidekick and “close personal friend” of Batman has announced that he is being audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

“Yeah, they’re coming after me” said Robin.

You know I’m not W2 I’m 1099. I’m an independent contractor working with Batman. I don’t technically work for Batman. I don’t know why he never hired me. He keeps promising to. I took this job because it was a contract to hire position. Or at least Batman said it was. What it all boils down to is the cheap bastard doesn’t want to pay payroll taxes for any employees. Even Alfred the butler is a contractor. Different agency of course. He’s support staff not a highly qualified crime fighter such as myself. And you’d think that as a highly qualified crime fighter the IRS would cut me some freaking slack!

Robin’s plea that IRS cut him some slack appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

“The IRS has a responsibility to collect revenue” said IRS commissioner John Koskinen.

We must generate revenue for the government. After all, without the taxable income the government covets who would build roads and schools? And frankly it doesn’t matter if your job is in the public interest, such as crime fighting. Police, firemen, doctors and nurses all have to pay their taxes,whether they are W2 or 1099. As an independent contractor Robin has a responsibility to calculate his taxes and submit them to the government on a quarterly basis. He hasn’t done this. That is why we are auditing him.

Despite Koskinen’s explanation Robin remains defiant.

Screw the government. We had roads and bridges and schools before the 16th amendment. I’m sick of the government and I’m not giving them a drop of my income. If I have to I’ll renounce my citizenship and live offshore. That way they can’t get their money-grubbing hands on me. It’s shit like this that made me register libertarian. No government is the best government. Leave us alone. You want less criminals? Don’t pass stupid laws. Do you know what Batman and I did yesterday? We went after some guy who was selling cigarettes without paying taxes. Crime fighting my ass. Sometimes it feels like we are only generating revenue for the state.

Robin’s nominal supervisor, Batman has cautioned a more politic approach.

I keep telling Robin to tone it down. I can’t afford to piss off the government. If I do they have the power to tax me out of business. Only two things scare me. Catwoman and the IRS. Oh, and shellfish. Yeah I have horrible allergies. Once while chasing the Joker I ate some shellfish for lunch. I swelled up so badly Robin had to finish the job. He f*cked it up. Actually he f*cks everything up. Thank god I’m not paying any payroll taxes for him.

The IRS has given Robin one month to come up with the money he owes them.

“If we don’t get our money in a month we’re going to sue his ass off. Then the only crime he will be fighting will the advances of his cellmate” said an official at the IRS’s Gotham branch office.

(7)

George Bush don’t care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the more controversial entertainment figures of our day. None other than Kanye West himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. West.

KW: I am God’s vessel.

MI: Um.

KW: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.

MI:  Technically that’s not true. You can record a performance and watch it later.

KW: I meant live.  Are you stupid. That’s why I am going to clone myself. So I can watch myself.

MI: Clone yourself.  Is that safe?

KW: I don’t care about your doubts. This dark diction has become America’s addiction.

MI: I have no idea what that means.

KW:  Me neither. But it rhymes. But like I was saying, I am such a gift to the world. It’s a shame I can’t watch myself. That’s why I’m going to clone myself so I can watch myself.

MI: Makes about as much sense as anything you’ve said.

KW: How dare you think that. Shut the f*ck up.  I will f*cking laser you with alien f*cking eyes and explode your f*cking head.

MI: Well I wouldn’t want that to happen.

KW: I have a nuclear power. I am a superhero. I’m like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on. That’s why I’m cloning myself. So I can watch the great gift that is me doing everything.

MI: Everything.

KW: That’s right. I masturbate. I’m God’s gift to masturbation. I want to watch that. And if I clone myself I can.

MI: Um.

KW: Would you like to watch me masturbate?

MI: No.

KW: That’s right. You couldn’t handle it. I have angels on my side. The sight of me masturbating would blind your tiny essence.

MI: I’ll take your word.

KW: Can I watch you masturbate?

MI: What?

KW: I on the other hand can watch you masturbate without blinding my essence because you are a lower order of being.

MI: I am not going to masturbate for you.

KW: Do it!

MI: Look I am not doing it. And I frankly am very offending that you would even ask me. [pause] You’ll pay me, right?

KW:  Of course!  This is commerce!  How does a million dollars sound?

MI: Sounds good.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to take off his pants]

KW: Wait. Wait. Imma glad you are masturbating but Pee Wee Herman had the best masturbation ever.

MI: But I haven’t done the reverse self-inflicted rusty trombone yet!

KW: Imma out of here.

[Kanye West leaves]

MI: Wait. I’m still getting paid, right? I mean the last time I did this I was paid. It was in college for an independently-produced art film. The police have all the copies. 

And so ended my interview with Kanye West. I think it went well. Still, I feel drained. Drained and dirty. And I think I just blinded my essence.

(1)

A rich, privileged asshole

Filthy rich elitist asshole Bruce Springsteen has come forward to talk about his bouts with “crippling depression” and how he overcame it.

“I was lying in bed in one of the master bedrooms in one of my mansions” said the rich, privileged asshole.

I forget which mansion but it’s the one where one of the master bedrooms, I forget which one, overlooks my private harbor. I like having a private harbor. Peaceful. It really connects me with the common man. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. I was lying in bed looking out on my private harbor when it hit me: I had to get up at 9 am yesterday. And I got depressed. How do people live like that?  How does the working man get up at 9 am in one of his master bedrooms overlooking his private harbor and not get depressed? Depression is a sneaky thing you know.

The rich, privileged asshole then went on to relate how he overcame his bout of depression.

I decided I can do one of two things. I can sit in one of my master bedrooms, I forget which one but it was the one overlooking my private harbor, feeling sorry for myself or I can get out of bed, even though the hour was an ungodly 10:30 in the morning, and do something! And that’s what I did. I did something. I called my new chauffeur and had him drive me to my private airport so I could be flown on my private jet to my private island in the Bahamas. I like my new chauffeur. I had to fire my old one. He wanted a five percent raise. Employees. They want to nickel and dime you. Anyway my new chauffeur drove me to the airport where I was flown to my private island in the Bahamas. And that’s how I was cured of my debilitating depression. You see, being cured of depression is very easy. Just do what I do.  I recommend it. There is no excuse not to. If you don’t have a private island then I suggest you invest wisely and buy one. They are affordable. Mine only cost 25 million. But you can write it off. I told my chauffeur this but he just shook his head at me. I guess he’s too busy spending the money I pay him on beer or chicken wings. He’s not getting a raise. 

Indeed the debilitating depression suffered by this rich, privileged asshole is not uncommon in rich, privileged assholes.

“We call it ‘Rich, Privileged Asshole Syndrome’ “ said a psychiatrist.

This happens when a man who has everything, who is lucky and has hit the jackpot in life, who never has to worry about paying the rent or making a car payment, wakes up, usually around 11 am and says “My god, I am depressed.” We usually tell people like this that the only cure is to fly down to their private island in the Bahamas. We tell them this because we don’t want to lose our licenses by kicking the rich, privileged asshole in the balls.  

As for the rich, privileged asshole himself, now cured of his depression he plans on divorcing his wife.

I mean I love Patti. But she’s getting old and her private parts are drying up. And that could make me depressed again. But she doesn’t have to worry. According to our pre-nup she’ll always have a job with me. Probably as a chauffeur.

“But I’m not giving her a raise” said the rich, privileged asshole.  “Working people have to learn their place.”

(14)

Now free range and humane!

Soylent Green Ltd, makers of delicious and organic Soylent Green have announced that starting immediately all Soylent Green will be grown in “100 percent free-range conditions.”

“We have heard the protests of the animal rights activists” said Soylent Green Ltd’s CEO

It is true our Soylent Green has been grown in factories. Human coops actually. Kinda of like chicken coops but with people. And while we do not think that this affects the taste of our product many have protested and complained that our process, while legal, was inhumane. Because of this we are changing our growing process.  From now on all our Soylent Green will be raised free range. The dissidents, Republicans, Catholics and other undesirables such as the crippled or those with cerebral palsy in our factories will be removed from the coops and allowed to roam on the grass and feel the sun on their faces. The faces that will soon be eaten.

Animal rights activists hailed the decision as a major step forward in the humane treatment of humans chosen to be Soylent Green.

“We in the animal rights’ activist community are heartened by this decision” said a protester.

For years we have tried to raise the consciousness of our fellow humans about the plight of people in Soylent Green factories. We have, at great risk to ourselves, taken undercover footage of people packed 30-40 deep in human coops, sharing the same bathroom and WiFi signal. It’s cruel. Those about to be sacrificed so we can eat ought to have more rights than that. They should be happy and content. This will ensure that they are kosher.

Industry experts will be watching Soylent Green Ltd. closely to see how the change affects their bottom line.

“It’s nice to be socially conscious” said an industry expert.

But if the change to free range negatively impacts their bottom line then don’t expect other makers of food made from humans to change. The start up costs alone of a human farm where the future Soylent Green can wander free are prohibitive.

Despite the criticism Soylent Green Ltd. stands by its decision.

“It is the right decision to make and it makes us feel good about ourselves” declared the CEO.

As for the subjects who will become future Soylent Green, many expressed thanks.

“Sure, I’m still going to be chopped up and eaten” said one.

But having my own bathroom and WiFi is important. I felt so cooped up in those human coops. No  privacy whatsoever. And only one TV. That was a problem during football season. And don’t get me started on sex. You had to do it in front of everyone. So I’m grateful for the change. I deserve to be happy. I mean I know the State has to feed the masses and I’m happy to be sacrificed. But let’s be reasonable about it.

The makers of Soylent Kale, also made from humans, have announced that those on their Kale farms will be getting free Samsung Galaxy S7 phones.

“Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps” declared their press release.

(5)

The Rogue nation inhabitants

The United Nations convened an emergency session today after the rogue and isolated island nation of Gilligan successfully test fired a nuclear missile.

The Secretary General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon has said that any further acts of belligerence on the part of Gilligan’s Island will result in “sanctions and world condemnation.”

From Martha’s Vineyard where he was vacationing, President Obama stressed that the United States was willing to act, unilaterally if necessary, to prevent Gilligan’s Island from obtaining the fuel and technical know-how to launch a missile at the US mainland.

We have been in negotiations with Gilligan’s Island for years now hoping to end their rogue nation status and their sponsorship of terror around the globe. My secretary of State John Kerry has been instructed to fly to Gilligan’s Island to negotiate with their leader, Gilligan. I’m sorry but I don’t know his last name. Or maybe that is his last name. Like I said, our intelligence is lacking at the moment.

The story of Gilligan’s Island began three years ago when a two man crew and five passengers landed on an island 300 miles southeast of Honolulu, declared themselves an independent country and asked for admission to the UN.

Shortly thereafter Gilligan (pictured here)

It smells like sulfur in here. They say the devil smells like sulfur! The Devil and barack obama!

flew to New York and addressed the UN personally.

“I come in the name of socialism and peace” declared Gilligan.

We are a tiny island nation and we have the perfect economic system. We share all good equally among our citizens. This includes Ginger and Mary Ann since monogamy is bourgeois. Speaking of bourgeois it smells like sulfur in here. They say Hell smells like sulfur. You know what else smells like sulfur?  Barack Obama. He is a phony socialist. We are the true socialists. We wish to live in peace but America won’t leave us alone so we must arm and prepare for invasion.

After returning to his island nation he instructed the Professor to begin making uranium for bombs from coconuts.

The Professor’s first attempt at a nuclear missile exploded on the launch pad and his second veered off course and destroyed Guam.

The third attempt was more successful and detonated off of Oahu.

Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton vows to make negotiations for a peaceful settlement with Gilligan’s Island her top priority when she is elected.

In the interim President Obama has announced that no further shipments of tank tops and short shorts will be sent to the island.

“Our source says that Gilligan makes Mary Ann

It is good for the workers that she wear this outfit!

wear them all the time.  He says it’s good for morale and is better than Viagra for his sexual potency” said a CIA agent.

(5)