Andrew Cuomo was never that great!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing His Honor Andrew Cuomo, the governor of the great state of New York.

MI:  Good afternoon Governor Cuomo

AC:  Who the hell are you?

MI:  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

AC:  Manhattan Infidel was never that great.

MI: I happen to agree with you but I think my three two one readers would disagree.

AC:  You suck.

MI:  Okay.

AC:  You really suck.

MI: Yes you’ve made your Point. Anyway I want to talk to you about your recent

comments at a rally. You said that, and I’m quoting, “America was never that

great.”

There were audible gasps from your supporters in the audience. Do you care to follow

up or explain your comments?

AC:  America sucks. It’s racist. Look at me. I’m an immigrant. I’m undocumented.

And my path to success has been blocked by the white man.

MI:  Um. You’re the son of Mario Cuomo. Former governor of New York. You grew up

in privilege.

[Pause]

MI:  Mr. Governor?

AC:  You suck.

MI: [Sigh]  Back to your comments.

AC:  You sucky suck suck suck.

MI: Okay.

AC: Sucky sucky suck suck.

MI: Look – 

AC:  You were never that great.

MI: Okay if  you’re not going to talk to me then I’ll just have my lunch.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to eat his lunch of potatoes and ham steak]

MI:  Mm. These potatoes are delicious.

AC:  Potatoes were never that great.

MI: I have to disagree. It’s all in the seasoning. I know a woman who seasons them

just right and they are delicious.

AC:  Potatoes suck. Sucky suck suck suck!

MI: We’ll have to agree to disagree. Now onto the ham steaks.

AC: Ham steaks were –

MI: Never that great. Yes. I know. Again we’ll have to agree to disagree.  Now onto

my dessert – cherry frosted Pop Tarts.

AC:  Cherry Frosted Pop Tarts were never that great.

[Pause]

MI: What did you say?

AC: I said cherry frosted Pop Tarts were never that great!

[Manhattan Infidel lunges at Andrew Cuomo]

MI:  Take it back you son of a bitch!

[The two grapple on the floor}

AC: Ow. Not my area. Leave my area alone!

MI: Your area was never that great.

AC:  That’s what my ex-wife said.

MI: Now take it back. Take it back. Cherry frosted Pop Tarts are fantastic!

[Manhattan Infidel shoves cherry frosted Pop Tarts into Cuomo’s mouth]

MI: Eat it!  Eat it!

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has been found wandering the streets in a daze,

with remnants of cherry frosted Pop Tarts covering his mouth.

“This was a brutal attack. An attack filled with rage” said the attending ER doctor.

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Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News

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New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, recently released from a hospital, has vowed

to spend the rest of his life ensuring “Pop Tart equality for all.”

“I will not rest until every man, woman and child in New York has an ample supply

of these delicious treats.”

He then said that, besides Pop Tarts, “Everything else has never been great.”

(1)

There is a Republican in the White House. Why am I not back in demand?

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am feeling a bit nostalgic so I’ve decided to interview a figure who used to be famous back in the first decade of this century. I am referring to none other than anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Sheehan.

CS: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Now let’s start off with a brief recap. Most are familiar with your story. Your son was killed in the Iraqi war and you became an anti-war activist during the Bush administration.

CS: Yes. The Bush Administration. Those were good times. The press used me at every opportunity to embarrass the President. I was in demand. My moral authority was hailed by the New York Times. I was on the verge of forcing a paradigm shift in America.

MI: And then what happened?

CS: Barack Obama was elected. Suddenly the press wasn’t as interested in using me to embarrass a sitting president.

MI: Even if the Iraqi war and the war in Afghanistan continued and President Obama was killing more people with drone strikes than Bush ever did?

CS: Well I understand why the press ignored me then. War is moral when Democrats do it.

MI: Um. I see.

CS: But there’s a Republican in the White House now. Why is the press still ignoring me?  I though they were my friends.

MI: I have no idea.

CS: And another thing, Manhattan Infidel. I agreed to this interview only if sandwiches were available. Look, this. This miniature bread, it like… I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour and I can’t figure out… let’s say I wanted a bite, right. You got this…

MI: You’d like bigger bread?

CS: Exactly. I don’t under stand how…

MI: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this… though.

CS: [folding the bread] Well, no… then it’s half the size…

MI:  No, not the bread. [folding the meat]. You could fold the meat…

CS: This bread is too small, like my time in the spotlight.

[David Hogg enters] 

Teenagers shall rule America!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DH: What’s all this about a limited time in the spotlight?

MI: ‘Fraid so. The press will move on once you’re not useful anymore.

DH: But….but….gun control!  Hey, what’s with the small bread?

CS:  I fold it but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this…

DH: Let me see that. I keep folding it and it keeps breaking. What the hell?

CS: Who are those people with you?

DH: It’s my armed security team.

CS: But you’re a gun control activist!

DH: Are you threatening me?  Security!

[Hogg’s armed guards proceed to pistol whip Cindy Sheehan]

CS: Help!  Help!

DH: Don’t worry ma’am. They are Democrats.

CS: Thank god. Just don’t take my small bread!

DH: Like I’m going to listen to you. You’re not even famous like I am!

[Hold up miniature sandwich]

DH: I don’t want this. I want large bread, so I can put this…

[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]

DH: … so then it’s like this. But this doesn’t work, because then it’s all…hanging out.

MI: Well I’ll leave alone to battle the small bread.

DH: Ban assault small bread! I am now an anti-gun, anti-small bread activist!

CS: The moral authority of large bread cannot be questioned!

And so ended my interview. You know they were right about one thing.  Large sandwiches are better. I think I’ll head over to Subway and get a foot long. Cold cut combo. Maybe black forest ham.

(6)

Somebody has to be guilty!

A milestone in Washington D.C. history was reached today as Robert Mueller’s probe into alleged Russian collusion during the 2016 election entered its 20th year.

The probe has outlasted the Trump administration, the Second American Civil War that saw Washington burned to the ground and even special prosecutor Mueller himself.

Mueller died in 2030 after choking on caviar at the Russian Tea Room.  Fortunately quick-thinking attendants rushed Mueller to the nearest hospital where Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)

Don’t cry for me New York’s 14th congressional district

graciously agreed to have her head removed and attached to Mueller’s body so that the probe could continue.

“Much like socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make progress” said Ocasio-Cortez-Mueller,

The continuing decades-long probe into Russian collusion into the 2016 election allows us to make progress towards a permanent blue wave. I am a socialist. And as a socialist I have generously agreed to redistribute my head onto the body of this old white man.  My brain will keep the probe alive. My synapses will take over for Roberto Muellerio and together we shall finally prove that Donald Trump colluded with the Russians to take away the election from the gringo lady in the pant suits. Muy bueno!  Muy bueno!

The probe, funded through a gracious grant by the Chubb group of insurance companies has yet to prove that Donald Trump colluded with the Russians. Indeed the last indictment was in 2031 of a low-level I.T. person on Capitol  Hill who was sentenced to 375 years in prison  for not backing up the pictures of Mueller’s cat from his hard drive.

While many, usually deplorables and other Republicans, feel that the probe should be shut down others point to the fact that the probe now employs three million people across the United States, making it the third largest employer in the country, behind only Johnny Depp and the cast of of the Walking Dead (itself in its 25th year).

Ocasio-Cortez-Mueller however has vowed to end the probe this year by finally indicting Trump.

“The Gringo Trump, he go down. Si. Si” said the charismatic future of the Democratic Party.

As to what Trump will be indicted for, rumors are swirling around DC that there is a secret tape of Trump boasting about grabbing Russian women “by the pussy.”

“What sort of person other than a colluder grabs women by the pussy?” said Nancy  Pelosi-Feinstein-Schumer, who had her head grafted onto Diane Feinstein who had both of the heads grafted onto Chuck Schumer after their deaths.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Alexandria Ocasio-Corez-Mueller announced today that she has indicted Former President Trump for colluding with the Russians during the 2016 election.

“I have no evidence. No evidence. Si. Si. But the pant suit woman said she would have me killed if I didn’t indict him.’

(7)

#eliminatewhitefolk

As many may know the New York Times (“All the news that’s fit to make up”) recently came into a bit of controversy when they hired Sarah Jeong to join their editorial board.  Many complained that her tweets were racist.

I, Manhattan Infidel, decided to see if there was any truth to this rumor so I have examined her tweets and I am proud to say that I found no evidence of racism.

To prove my point I have included a few of her non-offensive, totally not racist tweets.

• Oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get being cruel to old white men.”

To be fair to Miss Jeong, cruel is a very nuanced term. It can mean many things.  Old white men is a nuanced term as well. Put them together and you have a very nuanced phrase. Technically being cruel to old white men would be forcing them to wait on line for the bathroom.  You see. Very nuanced.  But Manhattan Infidel you say cruel is not a nuanced term. Yes it is. But you don’t understand  the nuances of nuance because you probably don’t live in Manhattan. That makes you stupid. In a nuanced way that is.

• Are white people genetically predisposed to burn faster in the sun, thus logically being only fit to live underground like groveling goblins?

At first glance many Republicans and deplorables (“The un-nuanced”) may view this as racist. But upon further reflection the tweet is based on settled science. White people do burn quicker in the sun. Thousands of Irish spontaneously combust every year when exposed to sunlight. That’s a fact! You probably haven’t heard about this scientific fact. I can’t blame you, dear readers, for not living in Manhattan and being un-nuanced. You’ve probably never even heard of Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the greatest scientific mind of  this or any other generation.

• Why was Darth Vader evil?  Because he was white! And white people are evil!

Now how can anyone say this tweet is racist? Darth Vader is white. Darth Vader is evil. While I was disappointed that this tweet wasn’t more nuanced I can only surmise that perhaps Ms. Jeong was attempting to reach across the aisle to the bitter, clinging white folk. I am white.But I live in Manhattan. That makes me nuanced and not bitter or clinging.

• Vanilla ice cream makes me poop. Chocolate ice cream never does!

This is perhaps her most subtle and nuanced tweet. Vanilla ice cream obviously stands for the racism of the white  man. And why wouldn’t the racism of the white man make you poop. Poop in disgust! Chocolate ice cream obviously stands for the peace loving victims of color in America. She doesn’t poop at the thought of them. Again, I wouldn’t expect my readers not living in Manhattan to get the nuance of this cleverly nuanced tweet.

And there you have it readers. I found the claim that her tweets were racist totally without merit. And I believe my opinion is the correct one. I live in Manhattan you know. I’m nuanced.

(5)

I”m a very serious man

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than the successor to St. Peter and the current bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Francis.

MI: Good afternoon your Holiness.

PF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s start out by asking you about the death penalty.

PF: Yes, yes, the death penalty.  Very serious. An attack on human dignity.  Inadmissible under any circumstance.

MI: Any circumstance?

PF: ANY circumstance!

MI:But wasn’t Jesus put to death?  I mean without the death penalty there would be no Christianity. 

Umm…………..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pause]

MI: Your Holiness?

PF: Okay. Under certain circumstances I guess the death penalty is still admissible.

MI: Like murder?

PF: Absolutely not. Even a murderer has a spark of the divine in him.

MI: A spark of the divine?

PF: Yes.

MI:  Are you sure you don’t know Nancy Pelosi?

PF:  No. I try to stay out of politics.

MI: I see.

PF: OPEN BORDERS!

MI: What?

PF: We must have open borders!  It’s what Jesus would have wanted.

MI: But isn’t Vatican City surrounded by a wall? 

Is it getting warm in here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pause]

MI: Your Holiness?

PF:  Back to the death penalty.  It can be admissible under certain limited circumstances.

MI: Double murderer?

PF: No. Spark of the divine.

MI: Triple murderer?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: Serial killer?

PF: Again, even a serial killer has the spark of the divine in them.

MI: Someone who double parks?

PF: FRY THE BASTARD!

MI: What?

PF: Do you know how hard it is to get a parking spot in the Vatican?  I was driving around for hours while all the pain in the ass tourists were snapping photos and shouting “It’s the Pope!” I know I’m the Pope!  Well I finally see what might be a parking spot and I pull up but some bastard was double parked in it. I called the Vatican police and said “Hey, I was going to park my Popemobile here but this son of a bitch is double parked!”  Do you know what they did?

MI: They gave him a ticket?

PF: No. They gave me a ticket! Said my registration had expired. One of the cops even smashed my windshield and said “Nice Popemobile you  have here. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

MI: I can see how that would be upsetting.

PF: I excommunicated  him. Bastard. Cops like that deserve the death penalty too!  That’s admissible. You can quote me on that.

MI: I believe I will. Anyway that’s about all the time we have. Is there any thing you want to say to my readers?

PF: Catholics who use too large a climate footprint are responsible for climate change. And climate change is a mortal sin. That and double parking. I, Pope Francis, have just promulgated this. 

MI: What about Cardinals who sleep with their seminarians?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: I see.

And so ended my interview with His Holiness Pope Francis. You know I should have told him that was my car that was double parked. But perhaps it’s best he didn’t know.

(6)