Mueller Raids Offices of Tom Hagen!

No Sicilian can refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day











The Special Prosecutor’s investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential election heated up today as detectives raided the office of well-known attorney for the Corleone crime family, Tom Hagen.

“This is an outrage” said Hagen.

Whatever happened to attorney-client privilege. I have one client and he prefers not to be known. Now everybody knows Vito Corleone is that client. Vito Corleone is a patriotic American who has never colluded with Russia. Never. What’s more I found out about this Robert Mueller. Now he’s definitely on Sollazzo’s payroll and for big money. Mueller has agreed to be the Turk’s bodyguard. While Sollazzo is being guarded like this he is invulnerable. Nobody has ever gunned down a special prosecutor before. It would be disastrous. All the Republicans would come after my client Vito Corleone. Even the old man’s political connections would run for cover!

Despite the character defamation he suffered at the hands of Hagen, Special Prosecutor Mueller remains convinced that Hagen holds the key to the “smoking gun” that can finally convict President Trump.

Vito Corleone (pictured here)

I ain’t colluding with Russia









through his olive oil importing business has international contacts. He has been known to travel to Sicily and is rumored to have a shadowy meeting in Prague with operatives close to Putin to discuss the Steele Dossier. Also as an Italian Vito Corleone is rumored to be a Republican with a strong interest in defeating the Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

Corleone’s lawyer, Hagen, continues to deny any and all involvement with the so-called Russian collusion of 2016. Hagen has even gone as far as to go to Washington to meet with Mueller to “clear the air.” 

I come from Vito Corleone  himself. Mr. Corleone promises his undying friendship if you would do him a small favor. Stop investigating him. He has nothing to do with Russian collusion. If you stop investigating him Mr. Corleone promises to make it worth your while.  You’ve got some labor trouble coming up. Mr. Corleone promises to make that trouble disappear. You have a prosecutor in your office who just graduated from marijuana to heroin. Mr. Corleone can make this all go away if you simply stop investigating him.

Mueller, in his righteous attempt to get President Trump, became enraged by Hagen’s offer and called him a “Kraut-mick” before throwing him out of his office.

Hagen responded by thanking Mueller for his time and asking that his car be brought around as “Mr. Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news at once.”


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 


Citing a “complete lack of evidence of collusion” Robert Mueller has dropped his investigation into President Trump.

Mueller made his decision after someone left a horse’s head in his bed

“I think it was a horse’s head” said a source in Washington. “It might have been Hillary Clinton’s. They are hard to tell apart you know.”



Manhattan Infidel Presents the Transcript of the Interrogation of President Trump’s Lawyer Michael Cohen

Traitor! Russian colluder!







In the week since President Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen had his office raided in search of evidence of Russian collusion many have speculated as to what was found. Rest assured dear readers I have been busy trying to find out what was collected.

I now present (and don’t ask me who I had to pay to get this because it definitely wasn’t John Brennan) the official transcript of the interrogation of Michael Cohen by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller.

RM: I want you to relax Michael. We are all your friends. Just tell us what we want to know and this will be all over.

MC:  I cannot tell you anything. I am innocent. President Trump is innocent.

RM: Nothing to hide eh?

MC: Nothing whatsoever.

RM Oh yeah. When we raided your office we found several bottles of Beluga Noble Vodka. A Russian vodka. Do you still claim you and President Trump aren’t colluding with Russia.

MC: Yes.

RM: Then how do you explain all the Russian vodka?

MC: I’m an alcoholic. My liver is more desolate and pot marked than Edward James Olmos’ face.

RM: Yeah well we also found some questionable DVDs.  You own 13 copies of Doctor Zhivago.  Care to explain that?

MC: It’s um.  Well it’s kind of embarrassing.

RM: Nothing is more embarrassing than colluding with Russia during the 2016 election. Out with it! 

MC: Okay, okay. I like to masturbate while looking at Julie Christie.

RM: Oh. Well, nothing wrong with that. I like masturbating while thinking of Vanessa Redgrave.

MC: I met her once.

RM: Really?  Tell me everything. Did you rub up against her because that’s totally what I would like to do.

MC: Of course I did. I practically dry-humped her. When she got suspicious I just said I was sorry but the party was so crowded I lost my balance. Yeah, totally dry-humped her.

RM: I admire you sir.

MC: Thank you.

RM: Except for your Russian collusion on behalf of Donald Trump!

MC: I tell you I’m innocent!

RM: Yeah, what about this receipt we found?  You had caviar at the Russian Tea Room?  Care to explain that? Why did you have caviar at the Russian Tea Room?

MC: Because their burgers suck.

RM: Well that’s true. Their burgers do suck.

MC: Look can I go now?

RM: Alright. But we’ll be in touch. This investigation is far from over.

MC: May I have my Doctor Zhivago DVDs back?

[Mueller hands him his DVDs]

MC: What the hell? Why are the DVDs sticky?  Did you masturbate while looking at Julie Christie?

RM: Please don’t tell Vanessa Redgrave.

As you can see the Russian collusion investigation continues to collect evidence.




Manhattan Infidel Reviews “A Higher Loyalty” by the Secular Saint James Comey

I’m smart and dammit people like me







Having two days off from work Manhattan Infidel did what he normally does on days off: I went over to my window, opened it and shouted “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  I kept yelling that until neighbors called the police. Then I read a book by the Secular Saint James Comey.

I found the book to be an engaging memoir by a badly misunderstood, simple, honest public servant battling forces of darkness around him.  I shall now quote a few relevant passages.

“I could not get a date to the senior prom. I asked [name redacted] to go with me but she called me a “ugly tall freak.” That made me cry.  I then asked [name redacted] to the prom. But she had a penis which she insisted on showing me. I couldn’t go with her to the prom after that. It was bigger than mine. I tell you it’s not easy having such high personal morals.”

Page 17

“College was tough. I was taller than everybody else and didn’t fit in. The other students made fun of me. I asked out [name redacted] but she said I reminded her of Stan Laurel with my huge wiggly ears. This made me cry. I didn’t let anyone see my cry but I would cry a lot behind closed doors. I learned early on how mean people can be.

Page 33

“I finally landed that job interview at the FBI. Things got off to an awkward start when I bumped my head on the low ceiling of the Director’s office. I hate being so tall. People are always making fun of my height. Still the secretary was cute and I asked her out. She said she’d love to and asked me if I liked girls with penises. She then showed my hers which was larger than mine. I started crying. I cried all the way home.”

Page 53

“Doing field work for the FBI occasionally means chasing suspects. I was chasing one who ducked into an alley. I ran in but hit my head on the fire escape dangling from a second floor window. God I hate being so tall and awkward. It must have knocked me out because I awoke in the hospital with the Director standing over me. He didn’t show me his penis but I bet it’s bigger than mine. I felt like crying.”

Page 74

“Loretta Lynch is black. Being a trained FBI agent It’s my job to notice details like this. Other people might not notice but I do. That’s why I’m the Director and they aren’t. I haven’t seen her penis but since she’s black I assume it’s huge. Like an oak tree or Hillary Clinton’s arteries.”

Page 151

“President Trump!  President Trump!  President Trump!  It’s always Trump, Trump, Trump!  No one ever pays any attention to me. Sometimes I wish he would be impeached so people would look at me! I have to talk to [James} Clapper and [John} Brennan to see if we can do that. Trump makes me cry. He called me tall and it hurt me inside. Every day I go home and cry. He’s a bully! He hasn’t shown me his penis but it’s just a matter of time.”

Page 204

Yes. This is a fascinating and honest read by one of the most respected straight shooters in Washington. I recommend the book to everybody.



Your {Revised} {Revised} {Revised} and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template AKA The I’ll Keep Kneeling That’ll Show Whitey Template™

I blame racism!







In the grand scheme of things an NFL player beating the crap out of his wife is a rare event, like a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead dying. No seriously. It hardly ever happens. Except all the times it does happen. But it only happens because of racial prejudice. Or maybe not.

But since it has (rarely) happened again it is time for Manhattan Infidel’s patented NFL Malfeasance Template™.  (Malfeasance Template not valid where prohibited by law.)

San Francisco 49ers linebacker Reuben Foster has been charged with felony domestic violence after he punched his live-in girlfriend in the head eight to ten times, dragged her by the hair and threw her out of his home

  1. What is your point?
  2. Felony domestic violence?  That is racist!
  3. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t give his I have a dream speech just so whitey can arrest a brother for slapping around his bitch
  4. Hey Foster plays in the NFL.  Punching his bitch upside the head helps him keep in shape during the off season!

But he punched her in the head eight to ten times!  And dragged her by her hair and threw her out into the street!

  1.  I blame the NFL for forcing people to play in the NFL. Concussions you know.
  2. Seriously. He was probably suffering from concussion syndrome and thought his live in girlfriend was a quarterback for another team
  3.  Since when is slapping your bitch upside the head eight to ten times against the law?
  4. You know who makes these stupid laws?  White folk!

Reuben Foster fights against racial injustice! Cut him some slack!

  1. He takes a knee during the National Anthem. That makes him progressive and enlightened
  2. Do you know what else he’s going to take a knee for?  Court!  No justice no peace!
  3. If he wants to slap his bitch upside the head eight to ten times I say let him. Don’t you know how much black people suffer at the hands of war-like white folk of northern European origin?
  4. He had every right to punch her. She was stealing his cocaine!

Could this charge adversely affect Reuben Foster’s NFL career?

  1. Come on. Are you serious?  Two words:  Ray Lewis
  2. Can’t get a sneaker contract without a felony, bitch!
  3. As long as he keeps paying people to supply their urine for his drug tests all will be fine
  4. Black lives matter!  Except for the bitch I slapped upside the head that is

And so here ends another Malfeasance Template™.  Until next time. And there will be a next time.


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Syrian Civil War Airstrike Primer™

Chicago. No wait, Detroit. Syria?






Overnight on Friday, the United States, Britain and France instituted air strikes on Syria in retaliation for alleged chemical attacks by the Syrian regime on its people.

Since the strike I have had to field many questions from my readers.  Who am I kidding I have no readers and the only calls I get on the weekend are from Domino’s telling me my pizza is on the way.

And so since my mission statement mentions the “free flow of information” it also mentions pizza, body oil and sex chairs but hey who’s keeping score  I will now try to answer any questions you may have about the air strike.

Q:  Why did we bomb Syria?

A:  We bombed Syria in retaliation for chemical weapons of mass destruction the barbaric Syrian regime used on its people. And we bombed Syria because bombing California would be in bad taste. We have to wait until California officially secedes to do that.

Q:  Why are chemical weapons considered so barbaric?

A:  They are weapons of mass destruction.

Q:  But can’t conventional weapons be considered weapons of mass destruction as well? After all what difference does it make to the dead if they are killed by a bomb or a chemical weapon?

A:  Conventional weapons are more polite.

Q:  But the Syrian regime has been bombing its citizens for years now. Its major cities are piles of rubble. Granted not as big a pile of rubble as Detroit but still bad enough. And we stood by and did nothing. Why intervene now?

A:  You’re colluding with Russia, aren’t you?  Wait until Robert Mueller gets his paws into you.  Bastard!

Q:  Is Alan Cumming from the Good Wife really gay?

A:  Yes.

Q:  But he gives off such a heterosexual vibe!

A;  Chemical weapons.

Q: What about Ricky Martin?

A:  Gay.

Q:  Rob Halford from Judas Priest?

A:  Gay.

Q;  Wow. So chemical weapons are really bad, aren’t they?

A:  Totally.

Q: Well you’ve certainly made your case. We must bomb Syria in retaliation for chemical weapons.You mentioned California seceding. When that happens we will bomb them obviously. Do you think California has a stockpile of chemical weapons?

A: No but Alan Cumming lives in California.

Q:  The bastard!  Well you’ve sold me. We need to bomb, bomb and bomb again!

A:  All good Americans love the sting of battle.

Q:  Thank you again for enlightening me.

And so readers I’m sure you will now all agree with me that bombing Syria was totally the right call.



Mueller Indicts Fourth Grader!








As part of his ongoing probe into Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller today indicted a fourth grade student from LaGrange, New York.

“We got the bastard dead in our sights” said a member of the Special Prosecutor’s office.

This kid did a book report on Russia. On Russia! Once we found that out he immediately was on our radar. I don’t have to tell you Putin loves it when fourth graders do book reports on Russia. Naturally we subpoenaed the book report so we could see if there was anything on it tying President Trump to Russia. At first the kid didn’t want to give it up but once we tied him to a chair and took turns punching him in the stomach he folded like a cheap suit. You know. Like the ones you buy at Burlington Coat Factory.

After it was confiscated agents spent a month pouring over the five-page report in hopes of finding a so-called “smoking gun” tying the President to Putin.

We couldn’t find anything. We even brought in a team of Russianologists from the CIA. Nothing. Naturally we were disappointed. That was until Mueller told us to not get discouraged. “Look for any insignificant process crime and we can use that to put pressure on the kid to spill the beans about Trump” he told us. He’s so smart. That’s why he’s the Special Prosecutor and we aren’t.

It was then that the investigators went over the kid’s testimony and found that he had given inconsistent testimony on what he did with his lunch money.

At first he said he spent it all. Upon further questioning he said he might have given some away. So we indicted him for lying to the Special Prosecutor. This whole lunch money thing smells to high heaven. There is some shady financial shit going on and once we tell the kid what happens to virgin ass in jail hopefully he’ll tell us about Trump and Russia.

Adam Schiff, ranking member of The House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence,

My eyes have seen the coming of the glory of collusion







has said that the book report on Russia “tells us everything we need to know about Trump’s collusion with Russia.”

“When I read the report my eyes bulged wide open. I mean even more than normal” said Schiff.

It’s all right there. The kid used his lunch allowance to launder Trump and Putin’s dirty money. The information in that report could lead to impeachment proceedings against Trump, who lost the popular vote by the way. I will be releasing the full book report soon. Naturally parts will be redacted to protect our sensitive intelligence-gathering operations.

When asked about the book report and the indictment of the fourth grader Special Prosecutor Mueller refused to comment on the ongoing investigation.

“I can’t really talk about. Besides right now my focus is on going to see my grandchild in his school play. The show is about Russia. He’s playing the great man himself, Vladimir Lenin.”



Smokey the Bear Burned to Death!

F*ck the forest!








Longtime Department of the Interior employee Smokey the Bear’s remains were found in a heavily burned out area of Acadia National Park in Northeast Maine yesterday, ending a week-long search for his body.

“This is a sad day for all of us” said a rescuer.

We had hoped that Smokey somehow survived. I mean he was a professional firefighter. Somehow. He could have used his skills to dig a hole or find a cave. I guess the smoke and the flames were too much for him. I mean we assume it’s his body. It’s burned beyond recognition so they’ll have to ship it back to a lab for DNA testing but we found his “Smokey the Bear” hat and shovel next to the body. So, yeah it’s probably him.

Smokey was last seen entering the Park when the forest fires first started.

“I put out fires. I’m Smokey. That’s what I do. Besides contract work I mean” he told people.

His comment about contract work could be clue a to his death.

“Smokey had become bored with firefighting” said a friend.

He saw it as limiting him intellectually. He wanted to create something. While he considered his work fighting fires important he had lately come to the belief that it didn’t define him. That’s when he started writing poetry. He wasn’t very good frankly. He made Rod McKuen look good. But god bless him he kept writing. We supported him. That’s what friends do. I mean I wouldn’t buy his crap but I supported him.

Having given up on his dream of being a successful poet Smokey turned to computers.

Computers appealed to his nerdy side. He told me he enjoyed the solitude. Just sitting alone in his house working on his computers. He even bought a server and set it up. I visited him after he bought it. He was sitting in his chair and he pointed towards it and said “I paid extra for the Drac 5 firmware on this Dell.”  He was proud of that. He also sent me to a store to pick up a VGA cable so he could connect the server’s monitor.

Smokey hoped to become a network engineer and began studying for his Linux Certification.

Let’s just say that was as successful as his poetry. He took the test three times before he died and each time failed. He would complain to me “They put these stupid questions on the test that have no relevance.” I sympathized. Really I did. Anything to keep him from writing more poetry.

Concentrating on his certification Smokey let his firefighting skills lapse.

I told him once he should wear some protective equipment or something. At least carry a walkie talkie and GPS so he could be found in case of trouble. Do you know what he did? He shit on me and stole my picnic basket. I loved the guy but he could be a real asshole sometimes.

Since Smokey had no living relatives his body will be cremated. His friends are asking that donations be made in his name to the Rod McKuen Foundation for Bad Poetry.


C-3PO Attacked and Melted Down!

I don’t understand! Venezuela is a socialist workers paradise!












Protocol droid C-3PO met a horrific end today as a crowd of starving Venezuelans attacked, dismembered and melted him down to exchange his gold on the black market for food.

“C-3PO was a compassionate droid” said his longtime friend Luke Skywalker.

That’s why he was vacationing in Venezuela. C-3PO was very committed to the economic principles of socialism, as are all those in the Rebel Alliance. Anyway he wanted to see the glories of socialism first hand so his friends in Hollywood Danny Glover and Sean Penn suggested he go to Venezuela.  “It’s a socialist workers paradise” they told him. And they are actors so they know what they are talking about. The last time I spoke to C-3PO he was very excited about his upcoming trip.  “I want to see redistribution of wealth up close and perhaps bring back this knowledge to the Rebel Alliance” he told me. We were all excited too. Princess Leia told me that the only thing socialism needed to really work were the scientific principles the Venezuelan leaders use. I am just horrified and shocked that he was attacked by unrepentant capitalists in the working class. Don’t they realize socialism is in their best interest?

Instead of seeing a socialist workers paradise as he expected C-3PO was greeted by poverty, a malfunctioning electrical grid, worthless fiat currency and widespread hunger, with roving gangs searching through dumpsters for food.

According to eyewitnesses the end for C-3PO began when he started berating the starving Venezuelans.

“You people just don’t appreciate the glories of socialism” he told the crowd.

Stop acting like capitalist gangsters and be patient. Trust the government. You will have all your needs taken care of in due time. Socialism means free goods and freedom for everyone! Have you never heard of Danny Glover or Sean Penn? Listen to them. They are actors. They know how economics work.

The crowd did not appreciate C-3PO’s sermon and eyes his solid gold exoskeleton suspiciously. Finally one person asked him if he was made of gold.

“Yes, solid gold” he replied.

It was then that he was attacked with rocks and baseball bats. His arms and legs were ripped off and his torso torn apart.

“This is not as Danny Glover and Sean Penn described Venezuela” C-3PO said just before dying.

The hungry crowd then put his gold pieces on sticks and roasted them over a fire.

“I melt him down and sell the gold for food for my mom” said a seven year-old street urchin.

But before he could do that he was shot through the head and his gold piece taken by someone else.

C-3PO’s death represents a major blow for the Rebel Alliance.

“He was our heart and soul” said Luke Skywalker.

I just don’t understand how this could happen. He must have walked into a crowd of deplorables who were clinging to guns and religion. If they had been educated Venezuelans they would appreciate all the government has done for them. Socialism is a compassionate economic system that improves the quality of life for all its citizens. Chelsea Handler said that and I believe her.

C-3PO’s last remaining body part, a SCSI bus, will be shipped back to the Rebel Alliance where it will hang proudly in the Millennium Falcon.


Captain Kirk Recalled to Star Fleet; Will Answer for Deaths of Red Shirt Crewmen!

Space….is dangerous!









Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise has been stripped of his command and ordered to report to Star Fleet to give account of the many crewmen who have died under his watch.

Kirk maintains that the high death rate under his command is unavoidable.

“Look exploring the far distant reaches of the galaxy is inherently dangerous” said the now-disgraced captain.

Granted it’s not as dangerous as unprotected sex with a green woman

Condoms? Who needs them!










or a red headed woman

It’s part of the job








or a blond woman

I’m Captain Kirk!









or a black woman

Forbidden fruit









or a brunette

Brunettes? A safe choice









or even the odd green-haired woman. But space is still a very dangerous place to be.

Oh the passion!










This whole witchhunt by Star Fleet is nothing more than an attempt by them to sully my name. I have many enemies at Star Fleet. Older officers. Older officers who are stuck behind a desk who do not get to see the exotic multi-world action that yours truly gets to see. And I’ve gotten it all over the galaxy. The older officers do not look as good as I do without a shirt on. The ladies notice that I do and they can’t stand it. Redshirts? Yes they have unfortunately died under my watch. But it’s not my fault. You try fighting Klingons, Romulans, The God Apollo and whatever else is thrown at you. Of course people are going to die. Being on board a Starship isn’t like being a police officer in say, Chicago, where everything is safe and you are guaranteed to live. Okay maybe that’s not a good example.

Kirk is not without sympathy on board the Enterprise, many of whom feel that his former First Officer Command Spock engineered Kirk’s downfall.

“Everybody knows Spock was a very sexually frustrated green blooded son of a bitch” said Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy.

Spock wants to get his freak on with the ladies. But he also is bound by logic and that inhibits him. I know he’s frustrated by that. Hell during the Pon Farr he humped a bulletin board in my office. And he sees Kirk getting more action than Motley Crue on tour. That has to grate on his logical nerves. He set Kirk up I know it.

As for Spock he denies any ill intent towards his former Captain and insists he is only acting in Kirk’s best interests.

“I only want him to live long and prosper. But given the number of galactic venereal diseases he’s gotten that might not be possible. It was time for an intervention and the deaths of the red shirts was my opening.”

If convicted of dereliction of duty Kirk will be stripped of his rank and drummed out of Star Fleet.

“I’m not worried” said Kirk.

“It’s not the end of the world. Hell if my career in Star Fleet ends I’ll just mysteriously develop curly hair and become a sargeant with the Los Angeles County Police Department.”


It’s Time for an Open and Honest Dialogue on Vegan Control!

Can we start by eliminating vegan bump stocks?









In the week since Nasim Aghdam opened fire at Youtube’s headquarters America has once again had to confront its dark past of unfettered veganism.

Many questions have been asked. Why does this keep happening? What can we do to stop it?  Damn the NRA and white men!  Wait what?  The shooter was a Persian female vegan?  This won’t fit the narrative.

Now naturally not all vegans are lunatics and killers (some are upstanding citizens who even vote Democrat).

But we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ feel that pants should be optional it is time for a frank and honest dialogue in America about Vegan control.

What specifically is Vegan control?  While we respect the Constitution and consider it a living, breathing document we have to admit that the second and a half amendment (“A woke militia, being necessary for the security of a socialist state, the right of upper middle class urban white people to keep and bear Vegan dainties shall not be infringed“) was written in a less technologically developed time and it has no relevance for today.

Hence it is time for full blown Vegan control. Now I want Vegan activists to relax, take a deep breath and stop with the heated rhetoric. No one wants to take away your Vegan dainties. At least not until we can repeal that loathsome amendment.

But in the meantime we can institute the following common sense Vegan control measures:

  • A Federal Vegan database. This way when a vegan goes on a rampage we can quickly identify possible future culprits.
  • A seven day waiting period before a vegan is allowed to buy kale. (And who can possibly object to this? Just think of the lives it will save!)
  • A ban on so-called “assault” vegan foods.
  • A Vegan “safe act” where vegans will have to keep their vegan delicacies under lock and key.
  • Vegans will have to pay 1000 dollars and get three references before they obtain a Vegan license.
  • Those deemed mentally deficient by the State shall be denied a Vegan license.
  •  A ban on so-called Vegan “bump stocks” that allow cold-blooded Vegans with malice in their hearts to consume Vegan food at a faster clip.
  •  And finally, Vegans shall be prohibited from transferring their Vegan dainties to other citizens.

I believe these common sense measures willl save the lives of many and prevent future Vegan massacres.

I know there are those Vegans who say “You can pry my Vegan dainties from my cold, dead hands.”

Well I say, “Bring it on!”

If you disagree with me you’re a terrorist with the blood of children on your hands. (At least the blood from their bowel movements as they try to pass that kale crap.)