My Exclusive Interview with Leo DiCaprio Wherein I Let Leo Defend Himself Against Allegations About His Foundation

Help me throw this money in the laundry

Help me throw this money in the laundry

Having interviewed noted environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio before I was hesitant to do it again. But he kept insisting he had a story to tell. So I agreed. We met up at an unusual place for a multimillionaire jet-setter:  A laundromat.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. DiCaprio.

LD: Please, call me Mr. Smith.  That’s the name on my passport and ID now.

MI: Okay. Why is that?

LD: Just because. That’s all. No particular reason. Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: What?

LD: I said no particular reason.  Certainly not to avoid the authorities.

MI: I’m sorry I can’t hear you. This place is loud. 

my money is clean

my money is clean

Why did you ask me to meet you here?

LD: I have to do something for a Malaysian friend of mine.  He’s a regular contributor to my foundation.

MI: I see. What did he ask you to do?

LD: His laundry.

MI: He asked you to do his laundry?

LD: Yes.

MI: Doesn’t he have servants who can do that?

LD: Well yes but he said he specifically needed me to launder his money.

MI: Launder his money?

LD: Yes. Those were his exact words.

MI: I think you may be taking his words too literally.

LD: Are you saying I’m stupid?

MI: Well – 

LD: I’m Leo DiCaprio. Environmental scientist. Social justice activist. I live in California.

MI: Your point being?

LD: I’m not stupid. If anything you are stupid. Have you ever flown on a private jet?

MI: No.

LD: That means you are stupid. Now don’t just stand there, help me throw this 1.2 billion in currency into the washing machine. It’s very important that I do this.

MI: What happens if you don’t?

LD: My Malaysian friend said if the money isn’t laundered the government will throw me in prison and big, burly men will force me to have anal sex with them.

[DiCaprio continues to throw money into the washing machine]

LD: Hurry up! Help me!

MI: Well I think that’s about all the time we have.

[Government agents enter the laundromat carrying automatic weapons]

Policeman: Leonardo DiCaprio put down the money and step away from the washing machine. We’ve come to take you to prison where big, burly men will have anal sex with you.

LD: Wait. Am I giving or receiving?

Policeman:Receiving.

LD: That’s different. Take me away.

[They place DiCaprio in handcuffs and lead him out of the laundromat]

MI: Okay that was unexpected. The arrest part anyway.

I think we’ve all learned one thing today:  Be careful what you say around Leonardo DiCaprio. He takes your words very literally.

(0)

My Exclusive Interview With San Francisco 49ers Quarterback Colin Kaepernick

You can take away my millions, my heated swimming pools but you can never take away ...um. Hey, what the hell am I saying?

You can take away my millions, my heated swimming pools but you can never take away …um. Hey, what the hell am I saying?

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ are known to spend the weekends during fall on the couch watching football. And so it gives me great pleasure to interview the quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kaepernick.

CK: It’s not a good afternoon in the ‘hood, whitey.

MI: What?

CK: I said it’s not a good afternoon in the ‘hood whitey. Black people are being killed by white people every day. The white man is committing genocide against us.  Black lives matter you racist honky.

MI: Okay. Let’s talk about that. In Friday’s preseason game you refused to stand for the national anthem.

CK: That’s right. I am not going to stand to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.

MI: So you’re saying America is an institutionally racist country that oppresses peoples of color because we enjoy it?

CK: That’s right. My people are oppressed. I am oppressed.  I will not be silent. I don’t care if they take away my endorsements. I don’t care if they take away my multiyear contract that guarantees me millions. I don’t care if they take away my mansions. Both of them. With the underground heated swimming pools and tennis courts. I don’t care if they take away my servants. I don’t. I’m not looking for approval. I’m here to fight for oppressed people. My people are oppressed. I am oppressed. When will the white man let my people go?

MI: If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t seem oppressed.

CK: That’s a racist statement! I am oppressed. How dare you say I am not oppressed.

MI: Could you give me an example of your oppression?

CK: I have so many examples. I was shot by a white cop in Ferguson, Missouri.

MI: That wasn’t you.

CK: Yes it was. All us brothers are connected. It’s our ingrained racial memories. I wouldn’t expect a cold hearted white man like you to understand. When one brother suffers we all suffer.

MI: When one brother makes millions do all brothers make millions?

CK: That’s a racist statement and I will not stand for it. Much like I didn’t stand for the national anthem.

[Kaepernick’s butler arrives carrying a tray]

Butler:  You’re food sir.

[Kaepernick takes some cheese and bites into it]

CK: What the f*ck is this? I told you I wanted brie not American cheese. What’s your name?

Butler: Clyde sir.

CK: What kind of nigger calls himself Clyde?  You’re fired you motherf*cker. Go back to the hood and get shot.

MI: Don’t you think you were a little hard on him?

CK: What do you know about hard? I’m the victim here.  I’m going to have to tell the agency to send me niggers who know the motherfucking difference between brie and American cheese. If I were white they would have sent me someone who knew the difference.  But because I’m a black man they figured they didn’t even have to try. They figure a black man wouldn’t care. That he’d be so grateful just to have cheese! I am not grateful for cheese!  I demand the cheese I asked for!

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

CK: Do me a favor and leave through the servant’s entrance. You white folk smell.

[Kaepernick sprays air freshener]

MI: Goodbye.

You know, suddenly I’m not such a big fan of his.

(4)

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Oscar the Grouch Disturbed by New Trash Can Regulations!

I hate white folk and their white privilege

I hate white folk and their white privilege

Famous Sesame Street resident Oscar the Grouch has written a formal letter of complaint to the Sesame Street block association protesting what he feels is harassment designed to get him to leave the neighborhood.

“Why don’t people leave me alone” said Oscar.

I don’t like people. I don’t want to be around them. I just want to be in garbage can and eat garbage. Is that too much to ask? This is my self-identity.

The trouble for Oscar began when Sesame Street adopted new environmental regulations, replacing the old metal trash cans with new plastic ones.

“The old metal cans were bad for the environment” explained Sesame Street’s council president Kermit the Frog.

Metal I’ve been told does not break down naturally. This makes them bad. Plus they were breeding grounds for bacteria. Bacteria that smelled awful during the summer months. I don’t have to tell you that Sesame Street has a lot of racial tension and it isn’t helped by bad smells coming from environmentally unfriendly garbage cans.The plastic cans are certified eco-friendly and reduce smells.

Oscar for his part defends the old metal cans.

They were works of art.

Oscar's old home

Oscar’s old home

Steampunk at its finest. And the cans were durable. They were a good home for me. And they kept the trash inside, not like these new-fangled plastic ones which are always being knocked about throwing their trash anywhere. Did Kermit think that maybe that is the cause of the odors?  Odors I don’t  mind by the way. Only snobs mind garbage odor. Time was Sesame Street was a working class place where trash odors were accepted. Where I was accepted! Not any more. Gentrification has come to the Street. Now I got yuppies, or worse, hipsters turning up their noses to me. Me!  Oscar the Grouch! I built this f*cking street!

As well as lamenting the new plastic cans, Oscar is also upset about the new trash disposal regulations.

Back in the day I could spend weeks in the same trash can and not worry about having to move. But now? It seems every other day I’m homeless and searching for a new garbage can home. God forbid I’ve had a few too many and slept through the disposal time. That happened last month. I was up all night drinking Miller Lite – hey, it’s a garbage can after all – and fell asleep. I guess I was too hungover to hear the garbage truck. I woke up just before I was deposited into a waste disposal unit uptown where I would been recycled.

After his close call Oscar went to Kermit to complain.

He didn’t even listen to me. Do you know what he said? “Times are changing Oscar. I’m just giving the people what they want.” He thinks he’s so high and mighty. It wasn’t long ago he was sitting by a pond licking his balls. If he has any. F*cking punk. He’s gone all hipster on me.

Unable to get Kermit to compromise on the garbage cans Oscar has decided to leave Sesame Street.

This is not a decision I made lightly. This place has been my  home for almost 50 years. But Kermit is right about one thing. The times are changing and I have to find a home that fits my needs. Sesame Street doesn’t do that anymore.

As for Oscar’s new home he has chosen Detroit, Michigan.

“I’m told they still use metal garbage cans and the entire city smells like garbage. And I don’t have to worry about garbage pickup. The city is broke and has no Sanitation department anymore. It sounds like paradise.”

(5)

My Exclusive Interview with James Madison

I'm not short! I'm differentially abled!

I’m not short! I’m differentially abled!

Being, like our President Barack Obama something of a Constitutional scholar, it is my distinct pleasure to interview none other than the so-called “Father” of our Constitution, James Madison himself.

MI: Good day to you Mr. Madison.

JM:  Good day to you Manhattan Infidel.

MI: First off sorry about the British burning the Executive Mansion.

JM: I was disappointed. I had hoped they would bypass Washington. I mean we put up enough “Gun free zone” signs. I guess they didn’t see them. 

MI: Let’s talk about your signature achievement, our Constitution.You are considered the intellectual proponent of many of its ideas.

JM: Yes. I believe very strongly that the only path to freedom is a limited government. I also believe that while factions cannot regrettably be eliminated its more obnoxious effects can be diluted by having many factions and spreading them throughout the country.

MI: A government with limited powers, the ultimate power residing in the people. But what happens if one of our branches tries to expand the power given to it under the Constitution?

JM: Simple. I answer [that if] they should misconstrue or enlarge any other power vested in them . . . the success of the usurpation will depend on the executive and judiciary departments, which are to expound and give effect to the legislative acts; and in a last resort a remedy must be obtained from the people, who can by the elections of more faithful representatives, annul the acts of the usurpers. In short, The fabric of American empire ought to rest on the solid basis of THE CONSENT OF THE PEOPLE. The streams of national power ought to flow from that pure, original fountain of all legitimate authority.

MI: In short.  It’s interesting you use that phrase.

JM: How so?

MI: Well, you are short.  In fact if memory serves me right you are our shortest President.

[Pause]

JM: I’m NOT short. I’m height challenged.

MI:  Call it what you will you’re very short. In fact you’re almost a midget.

JM: Stop calling me short!

MI: Shorty. Shorty. Shorty pants Madison. Seriously. I want to take you to the mall and have you sit in Santa’s lap.

[Madison kicks Manhattan Infidel in the shins]

MI: Ow!  God you short people are so sensitive!

JM: Stop calling me short mister or I’ll get really angry!

MI: Yeah whatever [under his breath] you short freak.

JM: I heard that! You stop it mister or I’ll get my tall friend Thomas Jefferson to beat you up!

MI: You have a very short fuse.

JM: That does it!

[Madison lunges at Manhattan Infidel and jumps on his back hitting repeatedly in the head]

MI: Get off me!  

[Madison climbs down]

JM: Just lay off the short jokes mister

MI: Or what?  You’ll make me take a long walk on a very short pier?

JM: That does it. I’m getting Thomas!

MI: One last thing before you go. I really love Dolly Madison’s cupcakes.

JM: Are you talking about my wife’s breasts? You better not be!

MI: When I take Dolly into my mouth mm.  So delicious.

JM: You better take it back!

MI: Or what? You’re gonna cry?  

[Madison starts to cry]

And so I left the hot tempered short pain in the ass with a chip on his shoulder.  He’s probably still crying.

(4)

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My Exclusive Interview with Charles Manson

Kids nowadays have it so easy

Kids nowadays have it so easy

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have interviewed many important people over the years but today is a our first interview with a convicted murderer serving a life sentence. Ladies and gentlemen I give you Charles Manson.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Manson.

CM: I’ll cut you and smear your blood on the wall!

MI: What?

CM: Sorry.  Force of habit.

MI: So tell me, you are famous for the Tate-Labianca murders where you wrote Helter Skelter in blood on the walls.  You were anticipating a race war?

CM: Yes I was. I was listening to the Beatles and their lyrics were all about the race war that was on the horizon.  I decided to have my followers commit those murders to jump start the war for the brothers.

MI: And what happened?

CM: Nothing. The brothers didn’t rise up. No race war. I was left high and dry.

MI: Why do you think that was?

CM:Trouble getting the message out. 

MI: Really? How so?

CM:Well we committed the murders of privileged white folk thinking blacks would see it as a sign. Instead the press spun the murders as the works of a crazy man.

MI: That must have made you angry.

CM: Furious. When a tiny majority are the gatekeepers of the message then the truth doesn’t get out.

MI: So true. Let’s fast forward to 2016. It looks like finally the race war you wanted back then is upon us.

CM: Yes I know. I’m excited.

MI:Why is it happening now?

CM: Man you kids have it so easy. We didn’t have 24 hour cable news networks back in my day. 

MI: So you think they have helped stoke the flames of race war?

CM: Shit man. I love cable news. They have to fill up 24 hours of airtime with something don’t they? Man I’m just imagining what I could have done with cable news back in 1968. I would have been President!

MI: So cable news – 

CM: And let’s not forget the internet. I didn’t have that back in ’68. Now it is so much easier to get the word out to the brothers that the race war has started and that the man should be killed. This is all in my blog:  Pictures of cats.

MI: Pictures of cats?

CM: Yes. Well there aren’t any pictures of cats on the blog since we aren’t allowed pets in the slammer so it’s mainly pictures of my penis and instructions for the brothers on how to foment race war. I called it pictures of cats because I’m media savvy.

MI: Right. Before I go one last thing. Have you heard from any of the Beatles? What did they think of the whole using their lyrics to justify race war?

CM: I haven’t heard from any of them. Except for Ringo. He calls me all the time and tells me I so had the meaning of the lyrics right.

MI: Really? Ringo?

CM: I think so. It might be Pete Best. All I know is the dude’s a former Beatles drummer who hates Paul McCartney. All he does it bitch about Paul.

MI: Well that’s about all the time – 

CM:Would you like to see my penis?

MI:No.

CM:Then how about promoting my blog. You know. Professional courtesy. One blogger to another.

MI: Fine.  I’ll mention it in the blog post.

CM: Great thanks. Oh, I’m still going to have my followers cut you and smear your blood on the wall. Nothing personal. It’s for the war.

And so ended my interview. Is that a knock at the door? Why are they carrying knives? This is Manhattan Infidel signing off for what may be the last time.

(6)

Barack Obama Doesn’t Care About Black People!

Why do white folk always flood their neighborhoods when I'm playing golf?

Why do black folk always flood their neighborhoods when I’m playing golf?

Tears streamed down Kanye West’s face as he addressed the cameras.

I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family it says “They’re looting.” You see a white family?  They’re looking for food. We already realize that a lot of people who could help are at war right now and they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us! Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people!

Up to this point the star-studded extravaganza that was the Concert for Baton Rouge had gone off as planned. Hundreds of celebrities had given their time to raise money for the flood victims.

But West’s comments ignited a firestorm and became known at the defining moment in the black rage movement of the 21st Century.

“Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people radicalized me” said a young black man from Baton Rouge.

Kanye voiced my anger over the situation.  If white people had been caught in the floods you bet a half white like Barack Obama would be down here right now. But no. Where is he? Our people are dying and he’s playing golf! The white man’s game!

Even the former slave holder Donald Trump (pictured here)

Donald Trump oversees his plantation

Donald Trump oversees his plantation

showed up to see the devastation first hand and to hand out water and food. Though his motive was probably just to see that none of his human property was damaged.

But Barack Obama? The President of the United States? He was nowhere to be seen.

At the White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest stated that President Obama has nothing but sympathy for the flood victims.

“The President is a compassionate man” he said.

But he is also a nuanced and intelligent man. He rejects the conventional politics of image association. He dislikes visiting natural disasters and being photographed comforting victims.

A rare photo of President Obama not offering comfort at the site of a natural disaster

A rare photo of President Obama not offering comfort at the site of a natural disaster

This doesn’t do anyone any good. The President is a practical man. A man of action. That is why he is ordering the roundup of all guns in Baton Rouge. This will help keep the peace.

Despite the President’s courageous stance against photo ops, the Republicans opposition continued to hammer Obama for his absence from the flood zone.

“Can you imagine what the response would be if a Republican president ignored a disaster area” stated the racist Breitbart.com web site.

Stunned and disgusted by the criticism, President Obama vowed to tour the flood zone.

“Why the hell do black folk always flood their property when I’m playing golf” declared the visibly annoyed President.

(4)

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Manhattan Infidel Addresses the Greatest Scandal in the History of Civilization: The White Privilege of Ryan Lochte

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIis9E1BJvm/ Screengrab of Ryan Lochte's Instagram post of his new hairdo 7/31/16 Source: Ryan Lochte/Instagram

I pee therefore I am

Being something of an investigative reporter (it was yours truly who broke the story that Hillary Clinton was a robot) I was immediately drawn to the scandal in Rio involving our swimmers.

I am dedicated to the truth and only the truth in my investigative journalism. I have a ruthless and cold-blooded dedication to the facts. And pop tarts.

Unfortunately I didn’t have time to gather the facts so like my colleagues in the MSM I will speculate and make it up.

Here’s what I believe happened on the infamous night in question:

  • Ryan Lochte and fellow swimmers. after a night of clubbing peoples of color to death with baseball bats decided to urinate in public.  However after urinating in public (something all white men do because that’s just the type of people they are) their blood lust and desire to destroy was not satiated. Dragging innocent Brazilians from passing cars the white swimmers placed the Brazilians of color upon racks and stretched their bodies out until ligaments and tendons snapped.
  • But did this satisfy the white swimmers?  No.  They would let their victims pass out and then wake them by setting their feet on fire. (A common hobby of the white man.)
  • They would then have their helpless victims call their loved ones. When the family arrived they would continue torturing them just for the pleasure of watching their family beg for mercy.
  • After killing and eating the original hapless victims they grabbed the relatives, sodomized them and shot them in the back of the head.
  • Sawing the scalps off they ate the brains.  (It is a belief of the white man that eating one’s enemies brains give you their strength.)
  • Next, blood and brain matter dripping down their cheeks they headed off to the nearest army base to access tanks.
  • Once the tanks were procured they drove through the slums of Rio, crushing houses, children and indeed entire families.
  • Exiting their tanks they proceeded to use flame throwers to set on fire what they did not crush.
  • As the innocent residents of Rio screamed and tried to survive the rampage Lockte could be heard laughing and exclaiming, “We are white. This is who we are!”

And just as quickly as it began it was over. The rampage of Lockte (the most destructive event since the siege of Staligrad) ended with the unrepentent swimmer taking a few underage girls back to his hotel room.

President Obama has called for a nation-wide dialogue on white privilege.

“White privilege will never end until we confront it head on” he told reporters while playing a round of golf.

Sometimes my dedication to the truth isn’t fun. But it’s my job.  Don’t believe me?  Here is security footage that I have on good authority shows Locte in the act of committing his rampage.

White people!  Is there any evil they are not responsible for?

(11)

Tooth Fairy Goes Out of Business!

My business model no longer is profitable

My business model no longer is profitable

The Tooth Fairy announced today that effective immediately he will begin winding down business and will close his offices completely by October 1st.   After October 1st children are advised to “not lose their teeth.”

“Times change” said the Tooth Fairy in a released statement.

My business model was no longer profitable. I got into this as a temporary recycling gig.  Kids would lose a tooth, I’d give them five cents and then I’d take the tooth and sell the enamel at great profit to myself. Kids loved me because they got five cents, which was worth a lot back in the day. Parents loved me since they didn’t have to spend anything. It was a win-win for everybody. But that was a much simpler time.

Starting in the 1980s the Tooth Fairy started to lose business as kids were no longer leaving their teeth under their pillows.

Kids started to get a feeling of entitlement.  Their parents all had dental insurance so they usually just threw the tooth in the garbage and went to the dentist. Losing a tooth no longer was a special right of passage. Mommy and daddy would pay for a new one.

Children also began demanding more money for their teeth, cutting into the Tooth Fairy’s profit margin.

One time I was putting a nickel under a kid’s pillow and he woke up. I was expecting him to thank me. Instead he said, “What the f*ck it this?  A nickel? A f*cking nickel? I want a dollar or I’ll scream and tell my parents you were raping me.” I was so shocked I guess I didn’t give him his dollar fast enough so he screamed “Mom, dad! He’s hurting my anus!”  Then he pulled his jammies down, rolled over on his stomach and grabbed hand and placed it on his butt. The parents came running into the room and the father beat me unconscious with a baseball bat. When I awoke I was in a freshly dug grave and they were dumping dirt on me. “Nobody must know we killed him” the father kept saying. Luckily my wings still worked and I was able to fly away to safety.

The Tooth Fairy’s experience with that child was growing increasingly common.

Kids starting become such brats. Some were asking for playstations for their teeth. It got to the point where I didn’t even want the enamel anymore.  Kids would write to me saying “My tooth fell out and you never visited.”  I started writing back “Suck it up, bro. Life ain’t all shits and giggles.”

But the final straw in his business was when the enamel trade itself fell out of favor.

I’d have people picketing outside my office saying “Hey, ho, the enamel trade has got to go!”  Suddenly I was the bad guy! You’d think I was selling cigarettes or guns. Jeesh! So screw it. I’m shutting down before some social justice warrior shoots me.

As for his future plans the Tooth Fairy is studying to get his Linux certification.

“Red Hat server admins.  That’s where the money is nowadays.”

(16)

Greek Statue Self-Conscious About the Size of His Penis

Come on! How about a little artistic license?

Come on! How about a little artistic license?

A Greek statue, tired of jokes being made about his penis, has decided to wear boxer shorts from now on.

“I mean look at me” said the distraught statue.

It’s bad enough I have no chest hair but what about down there you know? My thumb is bigger! I kept telling the sculptor that’s now my real size. Make it bigger! And I have chest hair!  What am I? An Olympic swimmer? He just laughed at me and said he was complementing me and that my small penis means I represented the best in the Greek mind. To hell with being respected for my philosophy.  Give me a big one!

The statue has been repeatedly been humiliated by college age girls posing next to him, pointing to his member and laughing for the camera.

The first few times I tried to get into the spirit but come on.  It gets old very quickly. I also get tired of tourists asking if I’m Chinese or Irish. I’m Greek baby. All Greek. We Greek men are notorious lovers.  We started a war over Helen you know. Could the sculptor maybe have put a little of that into me? But no. I’m practically a eunuch.

On one occasion the statue was stolen and placed waist-deep in water with a sign placed around its neck that said “I was in the pool!”

That really hurt. I have never been so humiliated and that’s saying a lot since I’ve been naked for 2000 years letting everyone look at my small penis. So you can see I have a high tolerance for humiliation.

At one point the statue tried augmentation surgery but the results were not to his liking.

First I googled “big penis” which I don’t have to tell you was a mistake. I’ll never do that again and now I’m on a damn porn mailing list. So I found someone on Craigslist who did penis augmentation. First off he didn’t quite match the color correctly. So my penis was two different shades. It looked like the Washington Monument. Eventually the augmented part fell off. More humiliation. Now the girls would take the fallen off part and stick it to my nose.

Vowing that this would be the last straw the Statue decided on covering up.

I couldn’t decide between a tux, a morning suit or something like Crockett and Tubbs would wear on Miami Vice. I tested all three but in the end I wanted the women to see my ripped chest. That’s the one part of me the sculptor got right. I do have nice abs. So I’m wearing boxer shorts. It’s a sexy look. Very Hawaiian. Now I won’t have to put up with the college girls and their pranks anymore. They will respect me.

However not all is going according to the Statue’s plan.

They’ve taken to removing my shorts and putting them over my head. Very funny. Fortunately the museum curators are very nice and always put my shorts back where they belong. It’s not as bad as when they pull them down to my ankles. I hate that.

Asked if he has any regrets the statue mentioned one.

“I wish I had stayed in Pompeii. The statues that got buried under ashes for 2000 years are the lucky ones.”

(8)

Elmer J. Fudd Millionaire, Who Owns a Mansion and a Yacht, Not Sure If It’s Rabbit Season or Duck Season, Shoots a Rabbit and a Duck and Eats Them Both

Oh hell I'll shoot them both

Oh hell I’ll shoot them both

Elmer J. Fudd, known around town for his scrupulous observance of the law and his love of hunting was in a quandary:  Was it duck season or rabbit season?

“I wasn’t too sure” he told reporters.

They overlap sometimes and to tell the truth, I’ve been so busy with work I forgot to look at the calendar before I went hunting. I don’t want to get into trouble or break any laws. because I’m oh so good, and oh so fine and I’m oh so healthy in my body and my mind. I’m a well respected man about town doing the best things so conservatively.

The trouble began for Mr. Fudd when he encountered a rabbit and a duck in the forest outside town. The two animals tried their best to flee but were no match for the experienced hunter.

They both wanted to live, naturally and tried to confuse me into leaving them alone. The duck was saying it was rabbit season and I should shoot the rabbit and the rabbit was saying it was duck season and I should shoot the duck. I was in a pretty pickle. Like I said earlier I had forgotten which season it was. A rookie mistake on my part.  I tried checking on my iPhone but I wasn’t getting any signal in the forest. It was then that I decided that the only fair thing to do was kill them both.

Fudd fired first at the duck, ripping its beak clean off.

I guess it was a bad shot for me. Usually I kill them with the first shot. But he started to crawl away but he didn’t get too far. He kept slipping in the pools of his own blood. I finally shot him in the back of the head. Destroyed the entire head. But I didn’t care about that. It’s the fleshy parts of the duck that are most delicious.

He then turned his attention on the rabbit.

After I killed the duck I noticed that the wascawy wabbit hadn’t moved or tried to run away. Perhaps he was in shock or thought that I’d be content with just duck meat. Little did he know. I wanted to conserve my bullets just in case so I grabbed him by the neck and slit his throat. I would have preferred to kill him in a kosher method since that makes the meat taste better but you do what you got to do.

With his two carcasses secured in his van, Fudd drove to the ranger station to have his kill weighed.

I was worried that I’d be over the limit and would have to pay a fine but the only thing they were concerned about was whether that was a rabbit or a hare I killed. I asked them which season it was and they said “hare.” So I replied “Well then it’s a hare” and we all had a good laugh.

He then took his kill home and ate them.

I’ve been experimenting with new recipes. Gosh darn if that wascawy wabbit didn’t taste great with hollandaise sauce. The duck I smoked for 14 hours in my backyard barbecue.

As for future plans Fudd intends to travel to Africa to hunt elephants

“I’ve always wanted to taste elephant meat. And I can saw the tusks off and use the ivory to furnish my den.”

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