Christ I didn’t find shit. This is going to be embarrassing

After a year and a half it appears that the probe into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential race is coming to a conclusion. As to what Trump will be indicted for (and it is a forgone conclusion he will be indicted for something) there is much speculation on Capitol Hill.

“I saw Mueller the other day” said a source at the Justice Department.

He was sweating a river. No seriously he looked like Robert Hays in Airplane when he’s in the cockpit. Just buckets of sweat. I asked him what was wrong and he said “Jesus Christ I’ve spent a year and a half and taken millions under the table from the Democrats to prove collusion and indict Trump but I haven’t found shit! Nada!  Zilch! I got to indict the bad orange man for something! My legacy is at stake!“

It was then that Mueller huddled in his office with those on the special prosecutor’s team to think of something to indict Trump for.

We did find that he had failed to pay a 75 dollar parking ticket from 1988. We considered indicting him for that. But the detestable orange billionaire would just pay the fine. We then discovered that once when he was a teenager in the 1960s he snuck into a screening of A Hard Days’ Night without paying. We were pretty confident that if we indicted him for that the world would unite behind us. I mean who doesn’t love the Beatles? And to think that the bad orange man desecrated the Beatles by watching the movie for free would outrage everybody. But then we remembered that all of us had snuck into movies at some point. We also found out that he thinks Sylvester McCoy was the best Doctor Who. We thought of indicting him for that. I mean. Come on. Sylvester McCoy?

However since liking Sylvester McCoy is not technically illegal “But we’re working on that” and since they couldn’t tie McCoy to the Russians it was decided to indict Trump for being mean.

One day we noticed Mueller’s secretary was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Trump is so mean! Why must he bully that poor, brave reporter (Jim Acosta) like that! Someone should do something about it.” That’s when it hit us.  Indict him for being mean!  No one likes a bully! And if we indict him for making people cry they will forget the reason for the probe in the first place and that we found no evidence he colluded with the Russians. In fact all we found was evidence the Democrats colluded with the Russians but naturally we are not going to indict any Democrats. Against Justice Department policy you see.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that President Trump has been indicted for “Collusion to be mean and make people cry.”

“We got the bastard now” Mueller was heard to say.

A reporter then asked Mueller about Hillary Clinton’s email server and if she would be indicted for that.

Mueller then doxxed him and sent Antifa to his house.

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We are almost done counting absentee ballots.

Ten months after the hotly contested senatorial election between former governor Rick Scott and Senator Bill Nelson the Broward County Board of Elections has promised that its counting of absentee ballots is “Almost finished. No Really. Just back off white boy. Don’t rush us.”

“I know you white boys want us to finish this. But unlike you we care about our Democracy” said the County Supervisor for Elections, Dr. Brenda Snipes.

Things like this take time. And if we are going to make sure a Democrat gets elected despite having less votes we have to make sure everything looks okay. It’s a complicated process. It takes time to destroy thousands of ballots and create new ones for the Democratic candidate. We can’t rush this. We tried rushing it before and you know what happened then.

Snipes is referring to the 2012 Senate race when, after four weeks of counting absentee ballots, Flipper

The fish that would be senator

was declared the winner.

Personally I thought Flipper would have made a great senator. He’s a fish of color, which would make him sympathetic to the Democratic socialist platform. He’s good on camera. And he rarely humps women when they get into the water with him. And that couldn’t be said about Rick Nelson or his opponent in 2012. But the Feds said something fishy, no pun intended, was going on. Flipper wasn’t even on the ballot. What can I say? Sometimes when you’re destroying ballots and transferring them by rental truck things happen. I mean Broward County cares about fish representation in congress.

Despite Snipes protestations that all is going according to law and procedure many in Broward County have their doubts about the process.

“I sent in an absentee ballot and voted for the Republican candidate” said one County resident.

I didn’t think anything about it. It’s how our democracy works. But a few days later the Creature from the Black Lagoon 

Just another Broward County enforcer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

shows up at my door and starts slapping me across the face.  “Voting Republican eh?  Nice house you got here. Shame if something were to  happen to it.” Then he kidnapped my wife 

This is what happens to the wives of those who dissent

 

 

 

 

 

and took her to his underwater cave where he had his way with her. I mean it’s almost like they are trying to silence dissent. I miss my wife. I mean she came back and all but left me a short time later. She told me “Once you’ve had the Creature from the Black Lagoon you never go back.”

Despite stories such as this, which Snipes says is just an example of “white people always complaining about something” the County Board of Elections promises a fair and impartial count of all absentee ballots.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Due to 70,000 absentee ballots being marked for write-in candidate Horatio Caine

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

of the Miami CSI, Republican candidate Rick Scott’s lead has shrunk, mandating an automatic recount.

“Personally I would have written in Flipper’s name again. He’d be a much better senator than that whitey Caine” said Snipes.

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The future president of the United Socialist States of America

So the midterms (aka “The most IMPORTANT event in the history of the world and we are the MSM and you can trust us because what we say is true”) has come and gone.

This will be a short post as I worked from 6 am to midnight on Tuesday at CBS News Headquarters in New York and then was back at work at 6 am on Wednesday and frankly I’m too tired.

So the Blue Wave was more like a middle-aged man’s enlarged prostate dribble but the Democrats still succeeded in winning the House. The Republicans gained ground in the Senate.

What have we learned?

• The press is the enemy who are actively trying to sow division and start our next civil war.  (Hey, it’s good for ratings)
• Alexandria  Ocasio-Cortez (aka “Loopy Occasional Cortex”) is the future of the Democratic-Socialist party of America. I just thank god she’s too young to run for President in 2020. Then again, since when have the Democrats let what’s in the Constitution stop them?
• The mainstream Republican Party (aka “RINOS“) are as dangerous and useless as trying to take a crap in the woods and only having poison oak to wipe your ass. Sure, I suppose you could use it but in the long run…..)
• Nancy Pelosi will be Speaker of the House
• Donald Trump will be impeached. (“Orange Man Bad!”)
• The Walking Dead sucks. I mean it really sucks. How did this show ever become a hit?
• Cold pizza is an excellent breakfast
• Cold pizza for breakfast smothered in sriracha sauce is even better
• Cold pizza smothered in sriracha sauce will not upset your stomach. You can trust me on that!
• My hotel room had the Bible and The Book of Mormon. But no Koran. I guess they didn’t want to encourage suicide bombers.

Absolutely no Koran

• Dick York was better than Dick Sargent
• Sauerkraut may cause weird poop and copious gas

And so readers I hope you enjoyed your midterms (aka “The election no one should give a shit about“). I shall leave you with a photo of the control room at CBS where our masters called the election for their masters.

Arr! There be masters in the room!

See you tomorrow. Same Manhattan Infidel time. Same Manhattan Infidel channel.

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Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

“Sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come
Corporation tee shirt
Stupid bloody Tuesday
Man, you been a naughty boy
You rejected socialism” 

~ Abe Lincoln, First Inaugural Address March 4th 1861

Tuesday, November 6th, 2018, a day that which shall live in infamy, the United States went to the polls in the midterm elections to decide the fate of the country. Would they abandon the cruel white nationalism of the Republican party and vote for the Democrats who would institute a compassionate socialist workers paradise?

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have watched in dismay the defeat of Hillary Clinton by Donald Trump who is literally Hitler.™  We have asked ourselves this question:  If Literally Hitler hadn’t colluded with the Russians would he have won? Sure he won the votes of 63 million racist white folk who long for the days of public lynchings and Klan terror but was that enough to put him over the top? I mean Hillary Clinton was the most qualified, articulate and compassionate woman who ever ran for office. (With the possible exception of James Buchanan who was also a qualified, articulate and compassionate woman.)

Would America wake up from its long national nightmare and put the Democrats back in the majority in the House and Senate?

“There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.”

~ Abe Lincoln, 2nd debate with Stephen A. Douglas, 1858

Many people look at the above quote and wonder, “What was Abe trying to tell us?”

While the answer has been debated I believe Abraham Lincoln was trying to tell America not to abandon its true calling towards socialism.

1. There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold – What glitters more than the promise of socialism?
2. When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed with a word she can get what she came for – The stores being closed to her because she didn’t have enough money to buy basic necessities.  However the promise of socialism, “With a word she can get what she came for” shows that money will not be necessary under socialism
3. Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven – Only socialism will immanentize the eschaton.

It is clear the Abraham Lincoln wanted the United States to embrace socialism.

But if you’re still not convinced I will leave you with words from his justifiably famous Second Inaugural Address of March 4th, 1865:

“Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I’m talkin’ bout – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryna touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now – we goin’ ’til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us – (down)-man”

1.  Ain’t got a care in the world but got plenty of beer – Socialism provides!
2.  Now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger – Swagger born of the confidence of socialism!
3. Po-po shut us down -man – Capitalists hate and envy socialists and will always try to shut them down.

May America vote for the Democrats and usher in the perfect socialist workers paradise where the po-po will never shut us down!

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Electoral college? Is that a private school?

From time to time I get requests from people to write a guest post no that has never happened. And so in keeping with the time-honored tradition of opening up Manhattan Infidel to other voices again I want to stress that literally no one has  asked to write a guest post probably because I have a readership of two and one of them is my mother I now present An Open Letter from Hollywood Legend Barbra Streisand.

Take it away Barbra!

My fellow Americans:

How does this happen?  How does Hillary Clinton lose an election? Here was a woman who was so articulate, so experienced, so compassionate. So willing to forgive her husband’s infidelity. That’s more than I would do. I remember once chasing Eliot Gould around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off. All because he preferred sex with women with smaller noses. But I digress.

Here we are in 2018. Donald Trump is president. He’s not as articulate as Hillary. He’s not as experienced as Hillary. He’s not as compassionate as Hillary.

I am in tears. I am numb. And not just from the plastic surgery to hide my 78 years. Hillary got 2.9 million more votes than Trump and she’s not the president.

This antiquated Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me.  I’ve talked to all my Hollywood friends and no one can find the Electoral College on a map. I thought I knew all the private schools. But we don’t know where it is. Probably in one of those fly-over states. I’ve never been to them. No civilized person has.

But back to my point. This Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me. Why should people from a private college decide who is President?  The people should decide! That’s what our aristocracy is all about!

You know what else doesn’t sit well with me? Dairy products! My doctor says I’m lactose intolerant. We should all be lactose tolerant. Because tolerance is tolerating!

Anyway even though my doctor told me no dairy products one day I just had to have some ice cream. So I got some lactose-free chocolate ice cream and ate it all. It said lactose free so I thought I was safe. But I tell you the next day I was pooping up a storm. Wide poop too. Nearly shredded my anus. Just like Donald Trump has shredded our Constitution.

That’s why for Election Day tomorrow you should vote for the Democrats! Vote for what they want their country to look like and feel like and be like. Democrats are tolerant. But unlike lactose-free ice cream they don’t shred my anus.

Speaking of shredding my anus the other day I was chasing my current husband, James Brolin, around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off when he turned to me and said, “Babs, let’s remember the common enemy – the Republicans. They aren’t compassionate like you are!”

I thought “Yeah, he’s right.” So I stopped and didn’t cut his penis off with a butcher knife. But now that I think about it maybe that was a trick of his to get me to not cut his penis off.

But anyway back to what I was talking about: Vote Democrat tomorrow!

And if anyone knows of any lactose-free ice cream that won’t shred my anus please hit me up.

Barbra

Thanks Babs. I’m sure all of my readers will give your advice the respect it deserves.

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