An Address from Charlotte, North Carolina Mayor Jennifer Roberts

I am a Democrat

I am a Democrat

Not all is bad news for the city of Charlotte, North Carolina.  Stung by race riots Charlotte mayor Jennifer Roberts (pictured above) addressed her city, and by extension the country and the world, with a historic and compassionate speech that showed the best qualities of America.

My fellow citizens of Charlotte:

The past couple days have been rough for our beloved city. An unspeakable act of police brutality against a presumed anarmed black man has thrown our city into turmoil.

Once again, we as a nation have to confront the original American sin of racism and slavery.

Yes, I said slavery. Even though slavery ended 150 years ago, thanks to the efforts Democrats such as Abraham Lincoln, could it not be said that blacks still suffer from the effects of that horrible institution?

How are blacks still being affected by slavery you ask?  Simple. As long as we as white people, as long as we as a nation, refuse to see blacks for what they are, protected Democratic voters, there will continue to be violence against them.

We as a nation must do more for blacks.

I am a Democrat. I am proud to be a Democrat. Only the Democratic party cares about African Americans. 

Only the Democratic party regularly gives blacks money. Only the Democratic party supports abortion rights. Many black women live in poverty. Why should they be burdened with black children. That’s why our party has always fought to expand female reproductive freedom so black women can commit an act of love by aborting their children in record numbers.

Why should black men get jobs? Why should they give up their natural talents of basketball and rapping for a middle class existence working for a no doubt racist white supervisor?

Only the Democratic party supports the welfare state.

Why are black fathers needed? It takes a village to raise a child.  Only the Democratic party fights for policies that ensure that the patriarchy will be made obsolete.

We recognize that the eyes of the world on are on Charlotte. That is why I want to thank the protesters who have come from outside the city. In fact my police commanders tell me that a majority of the protesters are from other parts of the country. We thank them for coming here and showing concern. 

Peaceful protesters from all over have come to Charlotte to express their concern

Peaceful protesters from all over have come to Charlotte to express their concern

Lastly I’d like to address the business owners of Charlotte.

Many of you have written to me and expressed your concerns over property damage to your businesses. Some have been looted.

Is profit the only thing you are concerned with right now? Frankly I am ashamed at the attitude of the business owners of our city. Instead of worrying about feathering your own nest with profits in this time you should be helping the black man by lowering your prices or giving your goods away for free. Redistributing them as we Democrats like to say.

To ensure that this will happen and to heal the wounds of Charlotte I am confiscating all business property. Henceforth they will be run by the city of Charlotte for the citizens of Charlotte.

Socialism today!  Socialism tomorrow!  Socialism forever!

Thank you.

This speech will go down as one of the greatest in United States history!

(1)

ISIS Guilty of Mustard Attack!

ISIS still uses mustard!

ISIS still uses mustard!

Top U.S. generals have confirmed that ISIS, or ISIL, or “those advocates of the Religion of Peace.” have launched a mustard attack on our troops in Iraq.

Nothing is more horrible than mustard in war” said General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Unless it’s some of the stuff that passes for crackers. Or perhaps what our contractors send us and call “pickles” but are really whale penises. Don’t ask me where they get the whale penises. Detroit I think. But anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. The Mustard attack. We take this provocation very seriously. If ISIS weren’t Muslim we might think that they were trying to harm our troops.

According to those who were on the ground the attack happened after ISIS front-line units spotted U.S. soldiers eating hot dogs with spicy brown mustard.

An affront against Allah!

An affront against Allah!

“Allah prohibits spicy brown mustard. That’s why he allows rape. As a consolation” said  Dunford.

When they saw the spicy, brown mustard they became enraged and directed that anger at our troops by firing yellow mustard at them. Several soldiers were injured including one who got some mustard in his eye. God that stuff stings.

As to how future attacks will be prevented, Dunford states that a strongly-worded memo has been sent to troops in Iraq cautioning them against “provocative acts” that might be interpreted as hate crimes.

We have already arrested the soldiers that were using the spicy brown mustard. They will be court-martialed. It is hoped that by showing ISIS that we take their values seriously they will stop attacking us. The United States is a friend to Islam. Islam and the United States go back almost to the beginning of our country. Our Declaration of Independence is based on many of the beautiful principles of Sharia law. Except for the ass raping of course

Order no. 775C, dubbed “mustard yellow” by troops has asked all troops to use only yellow mustard on their hot dogs so as not to antagonize the enemy.

While compliance is not as high as officers had hoped there are reports of a decrease in mustard attacks along the line.

“Now that we’ve stop antagonizing them (ISIS)” said Dunford, “we can bet back to doing what the military does best. Showing our appreciation for the Prophet.”

However the truce remains uneasy across the front line.

“We are crossing our fingers and hoping none of our troops uses Grey Poupon” 

You wouldn't happen to have any grey poupon?

You wouldn’t happen to have any grey poupon?

said a colonel. “If that happens then all bets are off. We might actually have a war on our hands.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has announced that President Obama intends to travel to Iraq before leaving office in January.

“The President does not want his legacy tainted by Grey Poupon. He is a yellow man with a yellow temperament and yellow values.”

(3)

Hipster Hillary Has Michael Bolton Perform at Fundraiser!

Democrats are hip!

Democrats are hip!

Proving once again that the Democratic party is the home to everything hip, Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had legendary singer Michael Bolton perform at a fundraiser.

“I wanted a performer that would energize our base of youthful voters” said running mate Tim Kaine.

And who better than Michael Bolton. He’s popular and at 63 relatively young compared to Hillary. He’s a Democrat and women still swoon when they hear him sing. I know my wife does. Okay actually he was our third choice to energize the youth vote, but Paula Abdul was cleaning the grout in her bathroom and Arsenio Hall was working his shift at Arbys. But we made the right choice. I mean look at that woman over there. She’s youthful. She’s probably only 50! And she’s positively swooning!

Indeed the mostly youthful crowd of 50 year olds appeared awestruck by the sight of Bolton.

“I used to listen to him all the time in the ’90s.” said one fundraiser attendee.

“Bill Clinton and Michael Bolton. Both remind me of my youth” said another.

As the crowd grew more excited it was time for the man of the hour. Looking tan and relaxed for a 63-year old with hair plugs, Bolton took to the stage and reminded everyone why they should vote for Hillary.

“She’s progressive. She’s hip. She’s elite like us” said the crooner.

And look at the alternative. Donald Trump? What person with an IQ over 60 could vote for him. He’s dangerous. If he’s elected he’s going to destroy our Constitution. I don’t know how I haven’t been following the campaign that closely but CNN assures me this is true.

And with that Bolton launched into his signature song.

When a man loves a woman

Who may have a serious neurological disorder

Can’t keep his mind on nothing else

If she’s bad and uses a private email server

He can’t see it

She can do no wrong

When a man loves a woman

Who runs a corrupt foundation that trades State secrets for cash

I give you everything I got

But at least now I can do business with the government yeah oh yeah

When a man loves a woman

Who passes out at a 9/11 Memorial because of the flu

Deep down in his soul

He knows she’s not up to the physical challenge of being President

But she’s a woman and not voting for her would be sexist

Yes when a man loves a woman

Even a portly 70 year old 

With a possible neurological impairment

I know exactly how he feels

‘Cuz baby baby baby

I’m rich and even if she drives the country into the ground

It won’t affect me.

And with that Bolton closed his set and once again reminded those in attendance to vote for Hillary Clinton.

“She’s a compassionate socialist and she’s going to turn us into Venezuela”he said as the crowd cheered.

(5)

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Robin in Trouble with IRS!

I got nothing to hide man. Abolish the IRS!

I got nothing to hide man. Abolish the IRS!

Robin, renowned sidekick and “close personal friend” of Batman has announced that he is being audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

“Yeah, they’re coming after me” said Robin.

You know I’m not W2 I’m 1099. I’m an independent contractor working with Batman. I don’t technically work for Batman. I don’t know why he never hired me. He keeps promising to. I took this job because it was a contract to hire position. Or at least Batman said it was. What it all boils down to is the cheap bastard doesn’t want to pay payroll taxes for any employees. Even Alfred the butler is a contractor. Different agency of course. He’s support staff not a highly qualified crime fighter such as myself. And you’d think that as a highly qualified crime fighter the IRS would cut me some freaking slack!

Robin’s plea that IRS cut him some slack appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

“The IRS has a responsibility to collect revenue” said IRS commissioner John Koskinen.

We must generate revenue for the government. After all, without the taxable income the government covets who would build roads and schools? And frankly it doesn’t matter if your job is in the public interest, such as crime fighting. Police, firemen, doctors and nurses all have to pay their taxes,whether they are W2 or 1099. As an independent contractor Robin has a responsibility to calculate his taxes and submit them to the government on a quarterly basis. He hasn’t done this. That is why we are auditing him.

Despite Koskinen’s explanation Robin remains defiant.

Screw the government. We had roads and bridges and schools before the 16th amendment. I’m sick of the government and I’m not giving them a drop of my income. If I have to I’ll renounce my citizenship and live offshore. That way they can’t get their money-grubbing hands on me. It’s shit like this that made me register libertarian. No government is the best government. Leave us alone. You want less criminals? Don’t pass stupid laws. Do you know what Batman and I did yesterday? We went after some guy who was selling cigarettes without paying taxes. Crime fighting my ass. Sometimes it feels like we are only generating revenue for the state.

Robin’s nominal supervisor, Batman has cautioned a more politic approach.

I keep telling Robin to tone it down. I can’t afford to piss off the government. If I do they have the power to tax me out of business. Only two things scare me. Catwoman and the IRS. Oh, and shellfish. Yeah I have horrible allergies. Once while chasing the Joker I ate some shellfish for lunch. I swelled up so badly Robin had to finish the job. He f*cked it up. Actually he f*cks everything up. Thank god I’m not paying any payroll taxes for him.

The IRS has given Robin one month to come up with the money he owes them.

“If we don’t get our money in a month we’re going to sue his ass off. Then the only crime he will be fighting will the advances of his cellmate” said an official at the IRS’s Gotham branch office.

(7)

My Exclusive Interview with FBI Director James Comey

Put tape over it!

Put tape over it!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, James Comey himself.

MI: Good afternoon, Director Comey.

JC: Please, call me Pedro Marcon.

MI:  Um. Okay Pedro.

JC: The trick to success in the FBI is stealth and hidden identities.  Pedro Marcon is one of my many aliases.

MI: But you look like James Comey.

JC: Disguise is all in the eye of the beholder. If you sell your disguise enough people believe it.  

MI: Really?

JC: Are you familiar with Denise Richards?

MI: Yes. Beautiful actress. Former Bond girl.

JC: She doesn’t exist. That was me. I used that disguise for a few years to gather intel.

MI: But she had children!

JC: As I said, I sold the disguise.

MI: Right, Denise. Anyway, back to what I wanted to talk about. You recently said that everyone should put tape over the webcam on their laptops 

JC: Yes. A sensible precaution. People are watching.

MI:  Who’s watching?

JC: The FBI.

MI: But you’re the FBI.

JC: Am I? Or is this a disguise?  Perhaps I’m really Denise Richards pretending to be someone called James Comey who says he sometimes pretends to be Denise Richards.

MI: But – 

JC: You know Manhattan Infidel you really should have put tape over your webcam when you google photos of Denise Richards. I saw what you were doing. If I weren’t a Hollywood starlet with young children perhaps we could act on your fantasies.

MI: Wait a minute. You are not Denise Richards!  You are James Comey!  Director of the FBI!

JC: Am I? 

MI:You’re a man. Wearing men’s clothing. You are not Denise Richards!

[Charlie Sheen enters]

CS: Denise baby.  I will always love you. 

[They kiss]

MI: What the hell. Charlie you know you’re kissing James Comey, the Director of the FBI, right?

CS: No I’m not. I’m making out with Denise Richards.

JC: What did I say about selling the disguise? Hey Charlie I have some coke. Care do to some with me?

CS: Hell yeah!

MI: But James cocaine is illegal. You’re in the FBI. Should you be doing this?

JC: There is no such thing as cocaine. It’s sugar water. We disguise it. Selling the disguise baby. Selling it.

MI: So the war on drugs?

JC: It’s something we came up with when we were all drunk at a convention somewhere. Or if I were really James Comey that’s what i would say. But I’m Denise Richards.

MI: No you’re not!  Stop saying that!

CS:  Hey Manhattan Infidel, would you like to have a threesome with me and Denise?

MI: Oh what the hell. Why not.

JC: Just remember to put tape over the webcam on your laptop. I wouldn’t want anyone from the FBI to see us.

MI:  But you’re the – oh I give up.

And so ended my interview with FBI Director James Comey. Or someone claiming to be James Comey who might be Denise Richards. Or perhaps it was Denise Richards claiming to be James Comey pretending to be Denise Richards. I’m confused. I’m going to have to sit down. After I put tape on my webcam.

(4)

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Khan Captured After Setting Off Bomb in Chelsea Neighborhood of Manhattan!

This man set off a bomb in New York City

This man set off a bomb in New York City

Khan Noonien Singh, fugitive from Earth’s eugenics war of the 1990s has been captured after setting off a bomb in Manhattan that injured 29 people.

“It’s been a tense couple of days” said New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio).

But we got him. Never again will New York City fear fugitives from the eugenics wars of the 1990s. My only hope is that we can place him and his followers in suspended animation aboard some sort of space ship where he will be found centuries later. Let the future deal with him. It’s not our problem.

Khan was one of the original breed of genetically engineered superhumans of the 1990s, bred to be free of the mental and physical limitations of humans. During the height of his power he reigned over a quarter of the Earth.

“He was the perfect Democrat” said interim DNC chair Donna Brazile.

Morally and intellectually superior. A perfect physical specimen. A new breed of Democrat. He could have been the benevolent ruler mankind wants. But racist Republicans prevented him from establishing the perfect socialist paradise on Earth.

As for Khan’s motives for placing the two bombs in Manhattan (a second pressure cooker type bomb was discovered before it could explode) many in the media speculate that Khan did it to protest Donald Trump’s rise in the polls.

“That can be the only explanation” said MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell.

New York City is a tolerant place to live. Perhaps too tolerant. We even have a few people in the city who are voting for Trump. Disgusting right-wing parasites. Perhaps, and this is just speculation on my part, perhaps he planted the bombs to show New Yorkers that eternal vigilance is the price we must pay for socialism.

Still others believe that Khan planted the bombs to weed out the physically and mentally inferior.

“Anyone who pays Manhattan’s rents has to be stupid” declared an editorial in the New York Times.

Stupid. Inferior. They would be a hindrance in the new world order. Khan, being superior, knew this. He was doing us a favor by bombing us. Unfortunately no inferior lives were lost.

Actual footage of Khan being captured during a shootout in New Jersey has been released. I now share this sensitive footage with my readers:

******************************************************************************************************

Correction Correction Correction Correction Correction Correction Correction

******************************************************************************************************

I have just been informed that it was not Khan Noonien Singh who was captured after setting off the bombs but Ahmad Khan Rahani (pictured here),

Sigh. Not a white supremacist.

Sigh. Not a white supremacist.

a naturalized American citizen and Muslim.

I apologize for this error.  But you have to look at it from my perspective. As a member of the MSM having a Muslim responsible did not fit the narrative.

I can only hope it was a Republican plot started by alt-right white supremacists.

(3)

My Exclusive Interview with Kanye West

George Bush don't care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

George Bush don’t care about no black people. Or Cardassians.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the more controversial entertainment figures of our day. None other than Kanye West himself.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. West.

KW: I am God’s vessel.

MI: Um.

KW: My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform.

MI:  Technically that’s not true. You can record a performance and watch it later.

KW: I meant live.  Are you stupid. That’s why I am going to clone myself. So I can watch myself.

MI: Clone yourself.  Is that safe?

KW: I don’t care about your doubts. This dark diction has become America’s addiction.

MI: I have no idea what that means.

KW:  Me neither. But it rhymes. But like I was saying, I am such a gift to the world. It’s a shame I can’t watch myself. That’s why I’m going to clone myself so I can watch myself.

MI: Makes about as much sense as anything you’ve said.

KW: How dare you think that. Shut the f*ck up.  I will f*cking laser you with alien f*cking eyes and explode your f*cking head.

MI: Well I wouldn’t want that to happen.

KW: I have a nuclear power. I am a superhero. I’m like Cyclops when he puts his glasses on. That’s why I’m cloning myself. So I can watch the great gift that is me doing everything.

MI: Everything.

KW: That’s right. I masturbate. I’m God’s gift to masturbation. I want to watch that. And if I clone myself I can.

MI: Um.

KW: Would you like to watch me masturbate?

MI: No.

KW: That’s right. You couldn’t handle it. I have angels on my side. The sight of me masturbating would blind your tiny essence.

MI: I’ll take your word.

KW: Can I watch you masturbate?

MI: What?

KW: I on the other hand can watch you masturbate without blinding my essence because you are a lower order of being.

MI: I am not going to masturbate for you.

KW: Do it!

MI: Look I am not doing it. And I frankly am very offending that you would even ask me. [pause] You’ll pay me, right?

KW:  Of course!  This is commerce!  How does a million dollars sound?

MI: Sounds good.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to take off his pants]

KW: Wait. Wait. Imma glad you are masturbating but Pee Wee Herman had the best masturbation ever.

MI: But I haven’t done the reverse self-inflicted rusty trombone yet!

KW: Imma out of here.

[Kanye West leaves]

MI: Wait. I’m still getting paid, right? I mean the last time I did this I was paid. It was in college for an independently-produced art film. The police have all the copies. 

And so ended my interview with Kanye West. I think it went well. Still, I feel drained. Drained and dirty. And I think I just blinded my essence.

(1)

Rich, Privileged Asshole Suffers Bout of Debilitating Depression!

A rich, privileged asshole

A rich, privileged asshole

Filthy rich elitist asshole Bruce Springsteen has come forward to talk about his bouts with “crippling depression” and how he overcame it.

“I was lying in bed in one of the master bedrooms in one of my mansions” said the rich, privileged asshole.

I forget which mansion but it’s the one where one of the master bedrooms, I forget which one, overlooks my private harbor. I like having a private harbor. Peaceful. It really connects me with the common man. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. I was lying in bed looking out on my private harbor when it hit me: I had to get up at 9 am yesterday. And I got depressed. How do people live like that?  How does the working man get up at 9 am in one of his master bedrooms overlooking his private harbor and not get depressed? Depression is a sneaky thing you know.

The rich, privileged asshole then went on to relate how he overcame his bout of depression.

I decided I can do one of two things. I can sit in one of my master bedrooms, I forget which one but it was the one overlooking my private harbor, feeling sorry for myself or I can get out of bed, even though the hour was an ungodly 10:30 in the morning, and do something! And that’s what I did. I did something. I called my new chauffeur and had him drive me to my private airport so I could be flown on my private jet to my private island in the Bahamas. I like my new chauffeur. I had to fire my old one. He wanted a five percent raise. Employees. They want to nickel and dime you. Anyway my new chauffeur drove me to the airport where I was flown to my private island in the Bahamas. And that’s how I was cured of my debilitating depression. You see, being cured of depression is very easy. Just do what I do.  I recommend it. There is no excuse not to. If you don’t have a private island then I suggest you invest wisely and buy one. They are affordable. Mine only cost 25 million. But you can write it off. I told my chauffeur this but he just shook his head at me. I guess he’s too busy spending the money I pay him on beer or chicken wings. He’s not getting a raise. 

Indeed the debilitating depression suffered by this rich, privileged asshole is not uncommon in rich, privileged assholes.

“We call it ‘Rich, Privileged Asshole Syndrome’ “ said a psychiatrist.

This happens when a man who has everything, who is lucky and has hit the jackpot in life, who never has to worry about paying the rent or making a car payment, wakes up, usually around 11 am and says “My god, I am depressed.” We usually tell people like this that the only cure is to fly down to their private island in the Bahamas. We tell them this because we don’t want to lose our licenses by kicking the rich, privileged asshole in the balls.  

As for the rich, privileged asshole himself, now cured of his depression he plans on divorcing his wife.

I mean I love Patti. But she’s getting old and her private parts are drying up. And that could make me depressed again. But she doesn’t have to worry. According to our pre-nup she’ll always have a job with me. Probably as a chauffeur.

“But I’m not giving her a raise” said the rich, privileged asshole.  “Working people have to learn their place.”

(14)

Soylent Green Now Free Range!

Now free range and humane!

Now free range and humane!

Soylent Green Ltd, makers of delicious and organic Soylent Green have announced that starting immediately all Soylent Green will be grown in “100 percent free-range conditions.”

“We have heard the protests of the animal rights activists” said Soylent Green Ltd’s CEO

It is true our Soylent Green has been grown in factories. Human coops actually. Kinda of like chicken coops but with people. And while we do not think that this affects the taste of our product many have protested and complained that our process, while legal, was inhumane. Because of this we are changing our growing process.  From now on all our Soylent Green will be raised free range. The dissidents, Republicans, Catholics and other undesirables such as the crippled or those with cerebral palsy in our factories will be removed from the coops and allowed to roam on the grass and feel the sun on their faces. The faces that will soon be eaten.

Animal rights activists hailed the decision as a major step forward in the humane treatment of humans chosen to be Soylent Green.

“We in the animal rights’ activist community are heartened by this decision” said a protester.

For years we have tried to raise the consciousness of our fellow humans about the plight of people in Soylent Green factories. We have, at great risk to ourselves, taken undercover footage of people packed 30-40 deep in human coops, sharing the same bathroom and WiFi signal. It’s cruel. Those about to be sacrificed so we can eat ought to have more rights than that. They should be happy and content. This will ensure that they are kosher.

Industry experts will be watching Soylent Green Ltd. closely to see how the change affects their bottom line.

“It’s nice to be socially conscious” said an industry expert.

But if the change to free range negatively impacts their bottom line then don’t expect other makers of food made from humans to change. The start up costs alone of a human farm where the future Soylent Green can wander free are prohibitive.

Despite the criticism Soylent Green Ltd. stands by its decision.

“It is the right decision to make and it makes us feel good about ourselves” declared the CEO.

As for the subjects who will become future Soylent Green, many expressed thanks.

“Sure, I’m still going to be chopped up and eaten” said one.

But having my own bathroom and WiFi is important. I felt so cooped up in those human coops. No  privacy whatsoever. And only one TV. That was a problem during football season. And don’t get me started on sex. You had to do it in front of everyone. So I’m grateful for the change. I deserve to be happy. I mean I know the State has to feed the masses and I’m happy to be sacrificed. But let’s be reasonable about it.

The makers of Soylent Kale, also made from humans, have announced that those on their Kale farms will be getting free Samsung Galaxy S7 phones.

“Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps” declared their press release.

(5)

World Shocked as Gilligan’s Island Test Fires Nuclear Missile!

The Rogue nation inhabitants

The Rogue nation inhabitants

The United Nations convened an emergency session today after the rogue and isolated island nation of Gilligan successfully test fired a nuclear missile.

The Secretary General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon has said that any further acts of belligerence on the part of Gilligan’s Island will result in “sanctions and world condemnation.”

From Martha’s Vineyard where he was vacationing, President Obama stressed that the United States was willing to act, unilaterally if necessary, to prevent Gilligan’s Island from obtaining the fuel and technical know-how to launch a missile at the US mainland.

We have been in negotiations with Gilligan’s Island for years now hoping to end their rogue nation status and their sponsorship of terror around the globe. My secretary of State John Kerry has been instructed to fly to Gilligan’s Island to negotiate with their leader, Gilligan. I’m sorry but I don’t know his last name. Or maybe that is his last name. Like I said, our intelligence is lacking at the moment.

The story of Gilligan’s Island began three years ago when a two man crew and five passengers landed on an island 300 miles southeast of Honolulu, declared themselves an independent country and asked for admission to the UN.

Shortly thereafter Gilligan (pictured here)

It smells like sulfer in here. They say the devil smells like sulfer! The Devil and barack obama!

It smells like sulfur in here. They say the devil smells like sulfur! The Devil and barack obama!

flew to New York and addressed the UN personally.

“I come in the name of socialism and peace” declared Gilligan.

We are a tiny island nation and we have the perfect economic system. We share all good equally among our citizens. This includes Ginger and Mary Ann since monogamy is bourgeois. Speaking of bourgeois it smells like sulfur in here. They say Hell smells like sulfur. You know what else smells like sulfur?  Barack Obama. He is a phony socialist. We are the true socialists. We wish to live in peace but America won’t leave us alone so we must arm and prepare for invasion.

After returning to his island nation he instructed the Professor to begin making uranium for bombs from coconuts.

The Professor’s first attempt at a nuclear missile exploded on the launch pad and his second veered off course and destroyed Guam.

The third attempt was more successful and detonated off of Oahu.

Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton vows to make negotiations for a peaceful settlement with Gilligan’s Island her top priority when she is elected.

In the interim President Obama has announced that no further shipments of tank tops and short shorts will be sent to the island.

“Our source says that Gilligan makes Mary Ann

It is good for the workers that she wear this outfit!

It is good for the workers that she wear this outfit!

wear them all the time.  He says it’s good for morale and is better than Viagra for his sexual potency” said a CIA agent.

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