Neanderthal Seeks “Open Concept” Cave

Grog seek open concept










The neanderthal Grog has announced that he is seeking a “newer, larger” cave to move his growing family into.  “Hopefully one with an open concept kitchen.”

There have been rumors in neanderthal circles that Grog was dissatisfied with his two bedroom one bathroom cave.

“Cave have no natural light” explained Grog

Grog need natural light to feel fully neanderthal. Grog also want open space. Big kitchen open up into common area where Grog can entertain. Grog like to entertain. Grog also need more bedrooms. More bathroom for mother-in-law. Grog not like mother-in-law. Want her separate as possible.

After speaking to a local neanderthal real estate agent Grog was brought out to see three caves.

Grog rejected outright the first cave he saw. While it had three bedrooms and two bathrooms and a separate mother-in-law suite it did not have the open concept he was hoping for.

“Grog say home tiny” he told the real estate agent.

Grog was then shown a second cave which he liked at first but later rejected as being outside his budget range.

“Grog not millionaire” he complained.

The third cave seemed the most promising as it had the requisite three bedrooms, two baths, separate mother-in-law suite and an open concept. However Grog rejected this cave as well because of the long commute and the sketchy neighborhood.

“Cave in Cro-Magnon area. Grog do not like Cro-Magnons. They feel superior to Grog.”

After rejecting all three caves Grog met a local neanderthal designer who told him she could get Grog everything he wanted in his existing cave and within his budget. An excited Grog gave her the go-ahead while he and his family moved temporarily into a Neanderthal Motel 8.

However a few weeks into the renovation Grog was informed of a few complications.

“Contractor say no can do open concept” he said.

Contractor pull Grog aside and say “Stalactites load bearing.” Contractor say stalactites have to stay.  Grog not happy with contractor.

Grog was also informed that his HVAC was not up to code.

Contractor say city want him to replace everything. This run up Grog’s budget. Grog not able to get everything he want. Grog not happy. Grog stuck with mother-in-law. Contractor also say cave have asbestos. Grog pretty sure asbestos hasn’t been invented yet.

Eventually the contractor finished refurnishing Grog’s cave but he was not able to get the open concept he wanted nor the separate mother-in-law suite. The installation of the up-to-code HVAC also put the renovation over budget.

“Contractors all crooks” said Grog.

“Me want use serrated knife to kill contractor but neanderthal brain no have advanced tool-making ability.”

Without the updates he wanted Grog has asked his mother-in-law to move out to her own cave.

“Mother-in-law annoying. Grog think she might have Cro-Magnon ancestry. Grog curious to have her DNA sampled.”


Manhattan Infidel Answers All Your Questions Regarding the Arrest of Michael Avenatti

She hit me first!






Michael Avenatti, renowned lawyer for porn star Stormy Daniels (aka “The bravest, most empowered women in the history of the world because nothing says empowered more than sucking d*ck on camera for money”) was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of domestic battery (aka “beating the everliving shit out of your wife.”)

Naturally I want to help my readers make sense of this as I know many will be confused. How can Michael do this?  He’s a lawyer who represents porn stars and if you can’t trust a lawyer that represents porn stars then this country is not worth living in.

So presented for your approval is a series of questions that will allay your fears regarding this apocalyptic event.

  • Michael Avenatti was arrested for suspicion of domestic battery. Should I be concerned?

Yes you should. This is obviously another trick by Orange Man Bad™ aka President Trump to destabilize our Republic.  Democracy dies in darkness. And domestic battery.

  • I’m worried that the hero Avenatti will suffer from a rush to judgement and not get a fair trial or due process, like what happened to Brett Kavanaugh

Do not worry. The press will do all in its power to ensure that the presumption of innocence holds and due process is followed.

  • Thank god. I do not want the hero Avenatti railroaded. But how do you intend to ensure that this happens?

Simple. We are going to slime and slander the woman who accused the brave hero Avenatti (lawyer to the brave, heroic porn star Stormy Daniels).

  • But I thought we were supposed to #believeallwomen?

What are you, a Republican? #Believeallwomen is so October 2018.

  • I’m sorry.  So I’m not supposed to #believeallwomen?

No. The only women that should be believed are women accusing Republicans. Women who accuse Democrats are traitors to their gender and should be publicly humiliated.

  • Why?

Sigh. Do I have to explain everything to you?  Orange Man Bad!™

  • But Orange Man Bad™ is only in the White House for a few years. When he leaves do we go back to believing all women?

Man you really are an idiot. No! Only accusers of Republicans are to be believed. Even after Orange Man Bad™ leaves office.

  • I see. So believe women who accuse Republicans only.

Yes. Now you are getting it. Avenatti is a Democrat. As a Democrat he is a hero to women. Not like those awful, backward Republicans. So even if he did hit the woman it is her duty and honor to let herself have the crap beaten out of her by a Democratic hero.

  • Interesting. Why is this?

Democrats, unlike Republicans, can be counted on to be pro-abortion. Abortion is the glue that holds our society together. Abortion is part of the sacred social compact that allows civilization to continue.

  • How so?

Let’s face it. No one believes in God anymore. That used to be the glue that held us together. A shared belief system. But in this post-Christian society we need a new bond. That bond is abortion. It works this way. A Democratic male tells a woman he believes in female reproductive freedom. The female responds by getting moist where it counts and letting the man stick his member in hers, thereby ensuring the continuation of the human race.

  • Wow!  Thank you for enlightening me.  

It’s what we social justice warriors do best.

  • One last question before I go.  Suppose Avenatti had been a Republican. 

Then sadly it would have been our duty to #believeallwoman and see that he goes to jail.

  • One’s political affiliation can change the situation that drastically?


I hope this answers all my readers questions.


Manhattan Infidel Presents: The You Are Going to Prison Horoscope

This is based on real science!









If there’s one thing my many readers one reader always ask me it’s “What is my horoscope?” when are you going to stop sending me nude selfies. Well worry no more for I have listened to your concerns my lawyer insists on no more nude photos and here is your horoscope.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You have a tendency to worry that things are worse than they actually are. So it won’t come as a shock when this week things actually are worse than they seem.  Your job? Soon to be laid off.  Your wife?  Leaving you for a heavily tattooed punk rocker. That constipation? Ass cancer. Your car? Needs a new transmission. But on the bright side. Oh who am I kidding. Things are really that bad.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Mars is moving into your birth sign. And by Mars I mean the neighbor and by birth sign I mean your wife’s vagina. On the bright side you will have instant props in prison for killing your wife’s lover. And you’re not an Aquarius. I mean ass cancer. Eww.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

What happens over the next few days is sure to take you by surprise. I mean I’d be surprised too if my teenage daughter told me she was transitioning to become a male and that gender is a fluid thing. Kinda makes you nostalgic for when your biggest concern was her “I take it in the ass” tattoo. But remember, change is the only constant. Especially if you have a tattooed daughter who is soon to be your son.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Whatever your current problem is it’s not worth getting worked up about. Unless its your upcoming indictment for securities fraud. But don’t worry. With your financial insider knowledge the other prisoners will be fighting each other to make you their bitch.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Something will happen this coming week that makes you wish you had been a bit less impulsive. It’s called genital herpes. But unlike that impulsive weekend fling that you had convinced yourself was true love, genital herpes will stick around forever.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

What happens over the next few days will impress on you the need to be flexible. Don’t be too rigid. Especially when your erection lasts longer than four hours. Seriously. Get that checked out. I told you cocaine and Cialis was a bad combination.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are strongly advised not to make any moves on your own over the next few days. The FBI has you under surveillance so stay cool and pretend nothing is wrong. Even though everything is wrong. I told you that “I support the second amendment” bumper sticker would one day come back to bite you on the ass. Which sounds almost as painful as ass cancer. (Just ask an Aquarius.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Even if you go out of your way to explain why you did what you did it’s unlikely you’ll get much sympathy. I mean drilling a peep hole in the high school girls’ shower so you can watch is pretty sleazy. So no sympathy. Oh who am I kidding. You’ll be hailed as a genius by men everywhere. Perhaps this knowledge will console you in prison.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

At some stage over the next few days you will realize that you have been too hard on yourself. Okay so that’s rationalizing bullshit. What you did was wrong. It is NEVER appropriate to masturbate at a funeral.  You sick Libra f*ck!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

There is no point trying to explain your motives to people who either can’t understand or won’t understand. So you kept your mother’s corpse in the attic for a few years. Like that’s against the law! Well actually it is. (Except in Florida.) Enjoy prison you mamma’s boy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have changed your mind so many times of late that some people have now come to expect it of you.  Do I kidnap my neighbor’s teenage daughter or don’t I?  Come on make up your mind. People respect a person who can make a decision. Oh, and you are going to jail. But on the bright side you finally made a decision that didn’t involve pizza.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You will most likely be rushing here, there and everywhere as the new week begins in a desperate bid to outrun the FBI, the ATF, Homeland Security and armed guards from several private, municipal and State authorities. What did you do to bring all this down on you? You’re a Capricorn, aren’t you?  The authorities are just being proactive. After all, most serial killers are Capricorns. That’s a fact.


Mueller’s Probe to Wrap Up; Sources Say Trump to be Indicted for Colluding With Russia or Possibly Just Being Mean and Making People Cry

Christ I didn’t find shit. This is going to be embarrassing







After a year and a half it appears that the probe into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential race is coming to a conclusion. As to what Trump will be indicted for (and it is a forgone conclusion he will be indicted for something) there is much speculation on Capitol Hill.

“I saw Mueller the other day” said a source at the Justice Department.

He was sweating a river. No seriously he looked like Robert Hays in Airplane when he’s in the cockpit. Just buckets of sweat. I asked him what was wrong and he said “Jesus Christ I’ve spent a year and a half and taken millions under the table from the Democrats to prove collusion and indict Trump but I haven’t found shit! Nada!  Zilch! I got to indict the bad orange man for something! My legacy is at stake!

It was then that Mueller huddled in his office with those on the special prosecutor’s team to think of something to indict Trump for.

We did find that he had failed to pay a 75 dollar parking ticket from 1988. We considered indicting him for that. But the detestable orange billionaire would just pay the fine. We then discovered that once when he was a teenager in the 1960s he snuck into a screening of A Hard Days’ Night without paying. We were pretty confident that if we indicted him for that the world would unite behind us. I mean who doesn’t love the Beatles? And to think that the bad orange man desecrated the Beatles by watching the movie for free would outrage everybody. But then we remembered that all of us had snuck into movies at some point. We also found out that he thinks Sylvester McCoy was the best Doctor Who. We thought of indicting him for that. I mean. Come on. Sylvester McCoy?

However since liking Sylvester McCoy is not technically illegal “But we’re working on that” and since they couldn’t tie McCoy to the Russians it was decided to indict Trump for being mean.

One day we noticed Mueller’s secretary was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Trump is so mean! Why must he bully that poor, brave reporter (Jim Acosta) like that! Someone should do something about it.” That’s when it hit us.  Indict him for being mean!  No one likes a bully! And if we indict him for making people cry they will forget the reason for the probe in the first place and that we found no evidence he colluded with the Russians. In fact all we found was evidence the Democrats colluded with the Russians but naturally we are not going to indict any Democrats. Against Justice Department policy you see.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that President Trump has been indicted for “Collusion to be mean and make people cry.”

“We got the bastard now” Mueller was heard to say.

A reporter then asked Mueller about Hillary Clinton’s email server and if she would be indicted for that.

Mueller then doxxed him and sent Antifa to his house.



From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, September 2019: Broward County Absentee Ballots Still Being Counted

We are almost done counting absentee ballots.







Ten months after the hotly contested senatorial election between former governor Rick Scott and Senator Bill Nelson the Broward County Board of Elections has promised that its counting of absentee ballots is “Almost finished. No Really. Just back off white boy. Don’t rush us.”

“I know you white boys want us to finish this. But unlike you we care about our Democracy” said the County Supervisor for Elections, Dr. Brenda Snipes.

Things like this take time. And if we are going to make sure a Democrat gets elected despite having less votes we have to make sure everything looks okay. It’s a complicated process. It takes time to destroy thousands of ballots and create new ones for the Democratic candidate. We can’t rush this. We tried rushing it before and you know what happened then.

Snipes is referring to the 2012 Senate race when, after four weeks of counting absentee ballots, Flipper

The fish that would be senator








was declared the winner.

Personally I thought Flipper would have made a great senator. He’s a fish of color, which would make him sympathetic to the Democratic socialist platform. He’s good on camera. And he rarely humps women when they get into the water with him. And that couldn’t be said about Rick Nelson or his opponent in 2012. But the Feds said something fishy, no pun intended, was going on. Flipper wasn’t even on the ballot. What can I say? Sometimes when you’re destroying ballots and transferring them by rental truck things happen. I mean Broward County cares about fish representation in congress.

Despite Snipes protestations that all is going according to law and procedure many in Broward County have their doubts about the process.

“I sent in an absentee ballot and voted for the Republican candidate” said one County resident.

I didn’t think anything about it. It’s how our democracy works. But a few days later the Creature from the Black Lagoon 

Just another Broward County enforcer








shows up at my door and starts slapping me across the face.  “Voting Republican eh?  Nice house you got here. Shame if something were to  happen to it.” Then he kidnapped my wife 

This is what happens to the wives of those who dissent






and took her to his underwater cave where he had his way with her. I mean it’s almost like they are trying to silence dissent. I miss my wife. I mean she came back and all but left me a short time later. She told me “Once you’ve had the Creature from the Black Lagoon you never go back.”

Despite stories such as this, which Snipes says is just an example of “white people always complaining about something” the County Board of Elections promises a fair and impartial count of all absentee ballots.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Due to 70,000 absentee ballots being marked for write-in candidate Horatio Caine

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!







of the Miami CSI, Republican candidate Rick Scott’s lead has shrunk, mandating an automatic recount.

“Personally I would have written in Flipper’s name again. He’d be a much better senator than that whitey Caine” said Snipes.



Veteran Actor Edward James Olmos Murdered by His Mustache!

My mustache is not a source of danger







Dour, veteran character actor Edward James Olmos was murdered today in Los Angeles by his live-in mustache.

“I saw a very serious, unsmiling, dour-looking man running down the street screaming” said an eyewitness.

He kept shouting “Help me. My mustache is killing me! Somebody please call the police!” Someone said “Hey, it’s Edward James Olmos” and I said “Are you sure ” and they were all like “It has to be him. Look how dour he is” and I was all like “Yeah, he is pretty dour at that.” We tried to help but by the time we reached him he had died. I think he was dead. Dude’s so dour it’s hard to tell.

Olmos first met his mustache back in the early 1980s at an industry event and the two soon became inseparable.

Mustache love








“We always knew when we saw Edward his mustache would be with him” said a producer.

They were one of the more stable couples in Hollywood. While other actors were out partying or doing coke we always knew where he would be:  Home waxing his mustache. It was a love rarely seen. Especially in this industry. We all liked his mustache. It grounded Edward and made him look less dour. Well, slightly less dour.

But lately their had been signs of trouble in his dour, mustache life.

“I often heard Edward talk about perhaps growing a beard or maybe some muttonchops” said a friend.

His mustache would always get tense when Edward talked like that. I guess the mustache felt slighted. Once I overheard an argument between him and his mustache. It got pretty ugly. His mustache was saying “I’ve been so loyal and I’ve given you so much” and Edward was saying “I’ve grown bored with you. You’re not the mustache I once knew.” I heard weeping and then Edward said “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”  We all knew the two were having problems. I guess it was only a matter of time before an incident like this happened.

Some blame the #metoo movement for Olmos’ death.

“We feel his mustache became radicalized” said a detective with the LAPD.

His mustache felt that Olmos had used it, made it feel cheap and perhaps the mustache wanted to express his displeasure and things got out of hand. You know, perhaps in the heat of the moment the mustache reacted in anger and did something I’m sure it regrets. Look I used to have a mustache and mine was very loyal to me and would never hurt me. This can be the only explanation for the mustache violence. I urge Americans not to judge all mustaches by the actions of one. Mustaches are diverse and this is not the time for stereotypes.

Until Edward James Olmos mustache is apprehended the LAPD has placed a 24-hour guard around Tom Selleck.

He’s a national treasure







“We don’t want anything to happen to Tom. He’s a national treasure.”


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 


Tom Selleck has gone missing and was last seen with his mustache. He is presumed dead.

“I told him to shave it after Olmos was murdered. He wouldn’t listen to me” said his manager.


Alec Baldwin Arrested! (Yeah I know! He Seems So Nice!)

Former actor Alec “Fists of Fury” Baldwin leaves an NYPD precinct after being booked











In the week since superstar actor out of work fat asshole Alec Baldwin was arrested (yet again) for punching someone (yet again) many in the Manhattan Infidel Universe have asked me to provide my feelings on this important subject Baldwin is an asshole or did I already mention that?

Famous superstar bitter old man Alec Baldwin was arrested in NYC for 

  • Punching someone over a parking spot
  • Punching someone for being a Republican
  • Punching someone because he just realized how far his career has sunk since he played Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October
  • Punching someone for being a serf and not recognizing a superior being when he sees one

What has been the world’s reaction to this incident?

  • Shock
  • Amazement
  • Indifference
  • New York City has parking spaces?

Wait. New York City has parking spots?

  • Yes. A few
  • You’d think with a population of 12 million we’d have more, don’t you?
  • I mean Christ I spent an hour going around the f*cking block looking for a spot
  • I hear Staten Island has parking spots but I’m not driving all the way out to f*cking Staten Island to park my car

There must be a lot of competition for the few available parking spots

  • You ever see Mad Max? It’s like that but only with parking spots not gasoline
  • When my wife divorced me she got custody of the kids, the house and the parking spot. The only thing that hurt was losing the parking spot
  • It’s a little known New York City law that if you injure and/or kill someone while fighting over a parking spot the most you can get is a 100 dollar fine

So maybe we should have some sympathy for Mr. Baldwin?

  • Definitely. We are all human
  • I’ve personally seen a tiny woman snap a linebacker’s neck when he took her parking spot so yeah sympathy is called for
  • The only thing we should wonder at is that he showed such restraint
  • Nah. Dude’s still an asshole

What can we learn from this incident?

  • We are all weak and human nature is fallen
  • Get the f*ck out of my parking spot you asshole!
  • Seriously. Take your f*cking gas-guzzling SUV and go back to the suburbs. We don’t need you here
  • New York City needs more parking spots. Capish?  Shame if you end up sleeping with the fishes

Sadly, even if New York adopts a “Marshall Plan” to build a million more parking spots Alec Baldwin will still be an asshole. Some things the government simply cannot change.


It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

The future president of the United Socialist States of America








So the midterms (aka “The most IMPORTANT event in the history of the world and we are the MSM and you can trust us because what we say is true”) has come and gone.

This will be a short post as I worked from 6 am to midnight on Tuesday at CBS News Headquarters in New York and then was back at work at 6 am on Wednesday and frankly I’m too tired.

So the Blue Wave was more like a middle-aged man’s enlarged prostate dribble but the Democrats still succeeded in winning the House. The Republicans gained ground in the Senate.

What have we learned?

  • The press is the enemy who are actively trying to sow division and start our next civil war.  (Hey, it’s good for ratings)
  • Alexandria  Ocasio-Cortez (aka “Loopy Occasional Cortex”) is the future of the Democratic-Socialist party of America. I just thank god she’s too young to run for President in 2020. Then again, since when have the Democrats let what’s in the Constitution stop them?
  • The mainstream Republican Party (aka “RINOS“) are as dangerous and useless as trying to take a crap in the woods and only having poison oak to wipe your ass. Sure, I suppose you could use it but in the long run…..)
  • Nancy Pelosi will be Speaker of the House
  • Donald Trump will be impeached. (“Orange Man Bad!”)
  • The Walking Dead sucks. I mean it really sucks. How did this show ever become a hit?
  • Cold pizza is an excellent breakfast
  • Cold pizza for breakfast smothered in sriracha sauce is even better
  • Cold pizza smothered in sriracha sauce will not upset your stomach. You can trust me on that!
  • My hotel room had the Bible and The Book of Mormon. But no Koran. I guess they didn’t want to encourage suicide bombers.

Absolutely no Koran

  • Dick York was better than Dick Sargent
  • Sauerkraut may cause weird poop and copious gas

And so readers I hope you enjoyed your midterms (aka “The election no one should give a shit about“). I shall leave you with a photo of the control room at CBS where our masters called the election for their masters.

Arr! There be masters in the room!









See you tomorrow. Same Manhattan Infidel time. Same Manhattan Infidel channel.



America Votes in Mid-Term Elections: Will Socialism Triumph? Manhattan Infidel Ponders the Answer With the Words of Abraham Lincoln

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!











“Sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come
Corporation tee shirt
Stupid bloody Tuesday
Man, you been a naughty boy
You rejected socialism

~ Abe Lincoln, First Inaugural Address March 4th 1861

Tuesday, November 6th, 2018, a day that which shall live in infamy, the United States went to the polls in the midterm elections to decide the fate of the country. Would they abandon the cruel white nationalism of the Republican party and vote for the Democrats who would institute a compassionate socialist workers paradise?

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have watched in dismay the defeat of Hillary Clinton by Donald Trump who is literally Hitler.™  We have asked ourselves this question:  If Literally Hitler hadn’t colluded with the Russians would he have won? Sure he won the votes of 63 million racist white folk who long for the days of public lynchings and Klan terror but was that enough to put him over the top? I mean Hillary Clinton was the most qualified, articulate and compassionate woman who ever ran for office. (With the possible exception of James Buchanan who was also a qualified, articulate and compassionate woman.)

Would America wake up from its long national nightmare and put the Democrats back in the majority in the House and Senate?

“There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.”

~ Abe Lincoln, 2nd debate with Stephen A. Douglas, 1858

Many people look at the above quote and wonder, “What was Abe trying to tell us?”

While the answer has been debated I believe Abraham Lincoln was trying to tell America not to abandon its true calling towards socialism.

  1. There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold – What glitters more than the promise of socialism?
  2. When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed with a word she can get what she came for – The stores being closed to her because she didn’t have enough money to buy basic necessities.  However the promise of socialism, “With a word she can get what she came for” shows that money will not be necessary under socialism
  3. Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven – Only socialism will immanentize the eschaton.

It is clear the Abraham Lincoln wanted the United States to embrace socialism.

But if you’re still not convinced I will leave you with words from his justifiably famous Second Inaugural Address of March 4th, 1865:

“Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I’m talkin’ bout – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryna touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now – we goin’ ’til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us – (down)-man”

  1.  Ain’t got a care in the world but got plenty of beer – Socialism provides!
  2.  Now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger – Swagger born of the confidence of socialism!
  3. Po-po shut us down -man – Capitalists hate and envy socialists and will always try to shut them down.

May America vote for the Democrats and usher in the perfect socialist workers paradise where the po-po will never shut us down!



An Open Letter From Barbra Streisand!

Electoral college? Is that a private school?








From time to time I get requests from people to write a guest post no that has never happened. And so in keeping with the time-honored tradition of opening up Manhattan Infidel to other voices again I want to stress that literally no one has  asked to write a guest post probably because I have a readership of two and one of them is my mother I now present An Open Letter from Hollywood Legend Barbra Streisand.

Take it away Barbra!

My fellow Americans:

How does this happen?  How does Hillary Clinton lose an election? Here was a woman who was so articulate, so experienced, so compassionate. So willing to forgive her husband’s infidelity. That’s more than I would do. I remember once chasing Eliot Gould around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off. All because he preferred sex with women with smaller noses. But I digress.

Here we are in 2018. Donald Trump is president. He’s not as articulate as Hillary. He’s not as experienced as Hillary. He’s not as compassionate as Hillary.

I am in tears. I am numb. And not just from the plastic surgery to hide my 78 years. Hillary got 2.9 million more votes than Trump and she’s not the president.

This antiquated Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me.  I’ve talked to all my Hollywood friends and no one can find the Electoral College on a map. I thought I knew all the private schools. But we don’t know where it is. Probably in one of those fly-over states. I’ve never been to them. No civilized person has.

But back to my point. This Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me. Why should people from a private college decide who is President?  The people should decide! That’s what our aristocracy is all about!

You know what else doesn’t sit well with me? Dairy products! My doctor says I’m lactose intolerant. We should all be lactose tolerant. Because tolerance is tolerating!

Anyway even though my doctor told me no dairy products one day I just had to have some ice cream. So I got some lactose-free chocolate ice cream and ate it all. It said lactose free so I thought I was safe. But I tell you the next day I was pooping up a storm. Wide poop too. Nearly shredded my anus. Just like Donald Trump has shredded our Constitution.

That’s why for Election Day tomorrow you should vote for the Democrats! Vote for what they want their country to look like and feel like and be like. Democrats are tolerant. But unlike lactose-free ice cream they don’t shred my anus.

Speaking of shredding my anus the other day I was chasing my current husband, James Brolin, around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off when he turned to me and said, “Babs, let’s remember the common enemy – the Republicans. They aren’t compassionate like you are!”

I thought “Yeah, he’s right.” So I stopped and didn’t cut his penis off with a butcher knife. But now that I think about it maybe that was a trick of his to get me to not cut his penis off.

But anyway back to what I was talking about: Vote Democrat tomorrow!

And if anyone knows of any lactose-free ice cream that won’t shred my anus please hit me up.


Thanks Babs. I’m sure all of my readers will give your advice the respect it deserves.