Santa and Reindeer Missing; Search Begins for Black Box!

Beloved around the world and now missing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beloved and altruistic giver of presents to all the gentile boys and girls, Santa Claus, has gone missing off the coast of California during a routine test run in preparation for Christmas. The Coast Guard was immediately notified and began an intensive search for Santa and his reindeer.

“We are currently running an air and sea rescue mission” said an Admiral for the Coast Guard.

We are using all our resources in an attempt to find them. Hell we even asked the Chinese to put a weather balloon over the area. Maybe they could find them. Perhaps they went down and are floating in the Pacific. We are still calling this a rescue mission. As of now we are not classifying them as gone.

When Santa first went missing Alec Baldwin,

Goddamn Santa had it coming!

 

 

 

 

 

 

who has been on Santa’s naughty list since 1993, immediately became the prime suspect.

“You’re damn right I have a beef with the fat man” said Baldwin

Put ME on the naughty list? ME? He’s had a grudge against me since I hooked up with Kim Basinger. Seems fat boy was banging her first and didn’t like that I stole her. So yeah, I have no love lost for Santa. And yes, when I saw Santa and the reindeer over my house I started shooting. Though technically the gun went off by itself. I just wanted to send a message. Get me off the naughty list!

Baldwin was discounted as a possible suspect when it was determined that as an actor he was a lying filthy immoral bastard who was probably too drunk to hurt Santa. Or sitting on toilet, shooting up. Or engaging in sodomitic relations with a teenager. Or sacrificing an animal, possibly a turtle, as part of a Satanic ritual. Or sacrificing a turtle and a teenager at said ritual.

Attention was then focused on a possible suicide mission by the reindeer, many of whom had converted to Islam.

The Coast Guard has discounted that theory, as it is well-known that Islam is the Religion of Peace and the Protected Personal Characteristics (PPCs) of Muslims rule them out as suspects.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Santa, the reindeer and the black box have been found resting at the bottom of the Pacific in 5,000 feet of water.

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More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News

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A transcription of the black box has been been provided to the public:

Santa: What the hell?  Rudolph pull up!

Rudolph:  Allahu Akbar!

Donner, Comet and Blitzen:  Allahu Akbar!

Santa:  Pull up!  What are you doing?

Rudolph, Donner, Comet and Blitzen:  Allahu Akbar!

[Sounds on tape of sleigh crashing into Pacific and breaking up]

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Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News

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In light of the tragic events the FBI has announced that they are adding extra agents to investigate possible upticks in Islamophobic violence.

“We may never know the true motives of the reindeer” said Director Christopher Wray.  “But we know it could not be religious in nature. Perhaps white supremacists were behind it.”

(21)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview with George Santos!

Too honest for politics

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest the controversial and recently deposed ex-congressman George Santos.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Santos.  I’d call you congressman Santos but, well, you know.

GS: Yeah, the bastards kicked me out. Said I was too corrupt for congress.

MI:  Let’s talk about that. You have been accused of many serious irregularities such as lying on your resume, using campaign funds for botox injections and –

GS: This is serious? Come on. It’s congress. I was probably the most honest member of the bunch.

MI:  Honest?

GS: Yes. All I wanted to do was serve my constituents.

[Bob Menendez enters]

The Santos fellow doesn’t fit in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

BM:  Serve your constituents?  Serve your constituents?

GS:  Yes. Like any member of congress I just wanted to do what was in the best interest of America and the people who elected me.

BM:  The best interest of America? You see! You see Manhattan Infidel why the House had to kick him out. He didn’t fit in. My god. Serve the interests of America? What sort of Boy Scout nonsense is that?

MI:  So you’re saying –

BM:  They had to kick him out. He wasn’t corrupt enough! He was making us all look bad.

MI:  Santos was making you look bad?

GS: Hey I can speak for myself.  I was making you look bad?

BM: Yes. You’re bush league corrupt. If you want to be in congress you have to sit at the adult table. Do you think I got to be a multi-millionaire by serving the needs of my constituents? No. I’m so corrupt I sell myself to the highest bidder. Now I have more money than I know what to do with. Did you know I have a solid gold toilet?

MI & GS:  No we did not.

BM: That’s right. I’m sitting and shitting on a pile of gold. Not only that but the people I answer to gave me a special device that converts my feces to gold bars. Here. Have some of my shit.

[He hands out gold bars]

BM: Each gold bar is stamped with the time of my bowel movement and what I had for dinner that night.

MI & GS:  Um. Thanks.

BM:  So George get with the program. Stop embarrassing yourself and Congress. Man up and be more corrupt.

[Chuck Schumer enters]

The man’s a pile of shit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  There he is. The embarrassment that is Santos. You don’t know how to lie on a resume. I am the master of lying.

GS:  How so?

CS: Do you think I’m human?  I’m actually a pile of crap.

MI: Really?

CS: I reveal unto you my true self.

[Schumer turns into a pile of feces]

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Chuck Schumer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: I always knew you were a piece of shit.

BM: Hey Chuck, would you like to be a gold-plated piece of shit? I can do that for you.

CS:  Hell yeah. You can do that?

BM: Sure. I’ll just take you home to my kiln. But I have to keep you fresh. Do you mind if I swallow you?

CS: If it will increase my value go ahead.

[Menendez swallows the pile of crap that is Chuck Schumer]

BM: Okay I have to go now. I must get home and crap out Chuck.

[He leaves]

GS:  They’re right you know. I’m not worthy to be in congress. I’m not corrupt enough.

MI: What’s next for you.

GS:  I have to start building up my corrupt credentials slowly, so I guess I’ll become a TV news anchor.

[Santos leaves]

And so ended my interview with the not-corrupt-enough George Santos. Via con Dios, young man. And may you learn the art of corruption.

(21)

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Santa Speaks!

Truth be told I really do not like children!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Thanksgiving just around the corner and the start of the holiday season upon us, what better time to interview the man himself, St. Nick, or Santa Claus.

MI:  Good afternoon Santa.  Or do you prefer St. Nick?

S:  Please, call me Santa. I’ve always found St. Nick to be rather pretentious. I’m not saint. Though my thighs are a gift from god, if you know what I mean.  The Mrs. gave me a Stairmaster last year.

MI:  I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview. I know this is your busy season.  So let me start off with this question: When do you start planning for Christmas?

S: Usually right after the New Year. After Christmas the Mrs. and I take a few weeks off and go to County Donegal in Ireland and spend our time walking on the beach. It’s very relaxing. Sometimes we go to the local bars and have a pint of Guinness or Smithwicks. 

MI:  I see. And what then?

S: After a few weeks we go back to the North Pole and start the process all over again. There’s a lot of paperwork to be filed, passports and visas to get in order, collecting all the orders from the children of the world.

MI: They start sending you orders that early?

S:  The greedy little shits. They never let up.

MI:  Wow.

S: Then I have to get the sleigh checked out.  Hardware has to be certified again. Software upgraded. Basically everything has to be brought up to code.

MI: Sounds like an intense process. Is there anything you’d like to say to the kids of the world?

S:  Yeah. Stop leaving milk and cookies out. Do you know the number they do on ole Santa’s digestive system? It’s not like I can find a porta potty somewhere over the Pacific. Though once I remember I really had to go and I said “Take the reins boys, Santa’s going to relieve himself.”

MI: What happened then?

S: I dropped my pants and stuck my ass out the side of the sleigh and did my business. Unfortunately since I like to fly with the wind behind me – it saves time – let’s just say the wind took my effluvia and splattered it all over the reindeer.  I heard Donner screaming “I can’t see. I got shit in my eyes! The fat bastard’s shit is all over eyes!” We almost crashed. Donner has always been cold to me ever since.

MI:  You’d think he’d be more forgiving.

S:  I think it’s his role. He’s the union rep for the reindeer so we’ve always had an adversarial relationship.

MI:  Union rep? What are some of their demands?

S:  Believe it or not the reindeer don’t want to work on Christmas. I told them that comes with the territory. I said what about the children? That’s when Donner flipped me the bird and said “F*ck the little shits.”  Can’t say I wasn’t sympathetic to that argument.

MI: I never knew this. It was never in any of the Christmas specials.

S:  Yeah well the reindeer are such drama queens. And don’t get me started on the Christmas specials. Hollywood lies about everything you know.  Hey look I have to go. Is there anything you want for Christmas?

MI:  World peace.

S:  World peace?  F*ck you. Do I look like God? You’re lucky if I give you a matchbox. I might have Donner beat you up.

MI: All I wanted was –

S:  I’m out of here. F*cking reporters are all a bunch of a**holes!

And so ended my interview with Santa. I’d like to finish by addressing all the children of the world. Stop leaving Santa milk and cookies. He’s overworked and stressed out. Instead leave him something he’ll appreciate: Vodka.

(20)

Queers for Palestine Conference Marred by Beheading of Attendees!

We’re here! We’re queer! And we love Palestine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The First Annual “Queers for Palestine” Conference ended in tragedy when some attendees were beheaded by their Palestinian hosts.

“I don’t know how this could happen” said one woman.

We, the queers of America, came here in peace and solidarity with our fellow oppressed brethren.  We stand in solidarity with brown peoples across the globe as they fight their white oppressors. Yes, I’m a white woman from a privileged upper class background who is currently attending a $75,000 per year ivy league university courtesy of daddy’s money, which he no doubt got through capitalist oppression, but that doesn’t mean the Palestinians have the right to cut our heads off. Certainly not with the dull blades they are using. If only they had talked to me I could have told them where to buy some really sharp knives.  But I’d only like to say –

Her words were then cut off. As was her head.

Another attendee, who describes herself as an “oppressed non-binary person of non-color who self-identifies as a brown person when not living at home with my rich parents” started to berate her brown hosts over their lack of hospitality.

I have not even been offered a blond vanilla latte with some gluten-free bread. How is a woman supposed to protest the oppression of brown peoples without a blond vanilla latte with gluten-free bread? If I had know my hosts would be so rude I would never have left my million-dollar brownstone on the upper west side of Manhattan that my father bought for me. Is it too much to ask –

Tragically she was not able to complete her thought as her head was severed and used as a soccer ball.

A member of Queers for Palestine who was not able to go to the conference was asked about the beheadings.

“It is all Donald Trump’s fault” she said.

His climate of hate has warped these peaceful brown peoples. But I have not given up on my oppressed children of color. That is why I have invited a few Palestinians to my brownstone in Brooklyn where I intend to host them until it is safe for them to return to their native Palestine. I look forward to learning their peaceful brown ways and experiencing their gentle brown sense of humor.  It will truly –

Sadly she was not able to finish her sentence as she shot, gang-raped, had her head cut off and then set on fire.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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The New York headquarters of Queers for Palestine has issued the following statement:

“It has come to our attention that many of our members have been beheaded. We deeply regret this and ask our brown Palestinian brothers to remember that we are their friends. We stand with them against the oppression of white Israelis. We also wish to remind our members that they have signed a release form indemnifying Queers for Palestine from all damages.”

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More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News 

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The surviving members of Queers for Palestine have broken away and formed their own splinter organization called “Queers for Palestine Who Oppose Beheading.”

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Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News

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The members of the radical splinter group “Queers for Palestine Who Oppose Beheading” have all been beheaded.

(51)

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Hamas Leader Announces Bid for 2024 Democratic Presidential Nomination!

From the Atlantic to the Pacific America will be free of Jewry!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following the surprise raid into Israel and growing international support, Ismail Haniyeh announced today that he is seeking to usurp Joe Biden as the Democratic candidate for President in 2024.

“I run not to oppose one man, but to oppose all Jews” said Haniyah to a throng of cheering college students.

The past few weeks I have seen a groundswell of support for Hamas among the young and educated in America. This is truly an opportunity for me to run a traditional Democratic platform of victimization, socialism and anti-Semitism. I believe my platform is enough to capture the nomination and from there the Presidency!

Haniyeh ended his speech by burning alive several Jewish children.

From his office in Washington D.C. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) welcomed Haniyeh’s entrance into the race.

“This is a great day for America” said the Senator who was surrounded by a group of Hamas fighters.

I believe Haniyeh will boldly proclaim and fight for the principles of the Democratic Party. Indeed I welcome our new Democratic standard-bearer. May his run for the Presidency go down in history. Now my support for Haniyeh is in no way a reflection upon the job that President Biden has done. He is my friend and we served together in the senate for decades. But lately he has not been as forthright in his Jew hatred as this country needs. And as a proud Jew who speaks for all Jews, we need more Jew hatred in this country!

Schumer then shook the hands of his Hamas guests before being beheaded and set on fire. After the embers had died down Schumer’s body parts were arranged to spell out “Diversity is our strength.”

From the White House President Biden reacted to Haniyah entering the ring. When he asked who Haniyeh is and was informed that he was the leader of Hamas a confused Biden responded, “He’s what?  The leader of ham and cheese?  Trinforlioraaaah.”

A debate between Biden and Haniyeh, hosted by NBC, has been scheduled.

When asked if Haniyeh will come out swinging during the debate his campaign manager responded, “No. He’ll probably just come out with a can of gasoline and set Biden on fire.”

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Sensing the threat to the ruling Junta posed by Haniyeh’s candidacy, Attorney General Merrick Garland indicted Haniyeh for his role in the J6 protests.

As for placing Haniyeh under arrest Garland said, “I’m looking for agents to do that now. But frankly they’re all afraid of being beheaded and burned up.”

(40)

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Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily and Scientifically Accurate Horoscope!

Manhattan Infidel guarantees the scientific accuracy of your horoscope

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a member of society’s dregs elite I am of course a man of science.  And what is more scientific than the horoscope!  So today, presented for your approval, is the totally scientific and accurate horoscope.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18th)

You will need to take a tougher stance with people you don’t get along with on the work front. Hopefully they will notice that you are not in the mood to play silly games, but if they don’t then they will find out the hard way. Speaking of the hard way stop OD’ing on Viagra and put some pants on will ya?  And take those dick photos off your resume. That is so 2010s.

Pisces (Feb 19th – Mar 20th)

The message of the stars for the coming week is that you must go your own way and do your own thing. Speaking of “doing your own thing” you’ll be getting a shipment of “toys” in the mail.  Don’t worry. They always come in an unmarked box. How do I know this? Um. Just an educated guess.

Aries (Mar 21st – April 19th)

If you feel the need to break free of restrictions but are not sure what to do, find the nearest Pisces and ask him where he bought his “toys.”  Don’t worry they always come in an unmarked box. Unless you’re an Aries loser in which case the box will say “Sex toys for the pervert.”  On a related note the neighbors no longer want you around their children.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

If you get involved in some kind of dispute over the next few days you must make every effort to stay calm and rise above whatever comments others choose to make. After all, it’s none of their business that you’ve cornered the market on Japanese sex dolls. They are just jealous.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

You can save a lot of time and effort this weekend by hiring a professional to set up your sex chair and dungeon room.  Remember what happened last time when you got stuck in the chair and had to call 911? Boy was that embarrassing.  I’m just glad the first responders filmed you and put it on the internet so I could watch.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

After helping your Gemini neighbor set up his sex chair you will decide to buy one of your own. Just do your research first. Don’t buy a cheap one made of glass because if it breaks your ass is glass as the saying goes. Also your lucky number is 37.  Also you will discover a sore on the underside of your scrotum. Probably nothing to worry about but just in case stock up on the valacyclovir.

Leo (July 23rd – Aug 22nd)

Stay calm and continue to believe that everything will come good in the end. Speaking of coming to a good end have you considered buying a sex chair? Or a sex sofa? What about a sex swing set? (Just don’t let the kids on it.)

Virgo (Aug 23rd – Sep 22nd)

Someone you did a good deed for in the past will want to do something for you in return and you must let them even if you aren’t sexually attracted to them. Just close your eyes and hold on to the sex swing set. And change your safe word.  “More” as a safe word will only lead to misunderstandings. And rashes.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22nd)

Your body will tell you when it is time to slow down, and that time is not yet. Yes. You’re a very kinky girl. The kind you don’t take home to mother. You’re a freak. A super freak. You’re super freaky. Just avoid sex chairs that are past warranty. Your lucky number is 69.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21st)

If there is something you desire to possess now is the time to reach for it. Only get her consent first. Preferably in writing. Because once you have that in writing it won’t matter that she suffocated in your sex dungeon. She gave consent! Consent not valid for those under 17.

Sagittarius   (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Remember, what you do for others also do for yourself. If you can reach around. If not try yoga. After a few sessions you may be able to reach around. At the very least you’ll be a lot more bendy. And that will come in handy if you want to escape from the sex chair you got stuck in.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 19)

Team activities are now under excellent stars, so don’t you dare be a loner. You know you’ve always wanted a “group session” wink wink. Just keep in mind that as a Capricorn people naturally despise you so you may have to pay through the nose for the “group session.”  Your lucky number is zero. Also a dog will pee on you, probably because you are so boring he mistook you for a tree.

(28)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview with Dead Dianne Feinstein

Come into the light. All are welcome in the light of The Party

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ it is my pleasure to interview the late senator from California, Dianne Feinstein.

MI:  Good afternoon Senator.

DDF:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s get right into it. You recently died. How will this affect your re-election campaign?

DDF:  Isn’t that just like you Republicans? Always pouncing.  To answer your question it will have no effect on my reelection campaign. I expect to win reelection and I expect to continue serving the citizens of California.

MI:  But…..you’re dead.

DDF:  Loyalty to the Democratic Party knows no boundaries. Death is just a phase. Many Democrats are dead and remain loyal Democrats in good standing. Love of the Party is eternal.

MI: Okay. So as a dead Senator what will be your first priority?

DDF:  Brains.

MI:  Oh, you mean that our country needs to import those with skills and scientific knowledge?

DDF: No. Brains. I want brains! 

[Feinstein starts to lick Manhattan Infidel’s skull]

DDF:  Mmm. So tasty. I like your skull. May I eat your brain?

MI: What? No. I mean I’ve never used my brain before but I might one day. You never know when you’ll be on Jeopardy.

[Feinstein continues to lick Manhattan Infidel’s skull]

MI: Will you stop that!

DDF: Brain!

MI: No! Stop that! Down! Down! Sit!

[Dead Dianne Feinstein sits down]

MI:  Now, back to the interview. You mentioned that death is not a boundary for members of The Party. Could you talk more about that?

DDF:  Many Democrats are dead already.

MI:  Really? Give me an example.

DDF:  Chuck Schumer has been dead for centuries. He was killed scaling the walls of Jerusalem during a crusade.

[Chuck Schumer enters]

The long undead Chuck Schumer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  Brain!

MI:  Come on guys. I told you to lay off my brain

[Schumer and Dead Dianne Feinstein sniff Manhattan Infidel’s skull]

CS: He has no brain!

MI: I told you. I’m a blogger. Having a brain isn’t a priority.

CS: I haven’t been so disappointed since I sniffed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s brain.

MI: What is it with you Democrats and brains? Are you telling me you are all undead and you eat the brains of the living?

DDF:  Well it’s not an official part of The Party’s platform but yeah. We all eat the brains of the living.

MI: Why isn’t this front page news?

DDF:  The press doesn’t want to out us as brain eaters since most of them are dead as well.

MI:  Somehow I’ve always suspected this.

[Gavin Newsom enters]

His hair keeps him alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

GN:  Dianne!  It’s good to see you.

[Dead Dianne Feinstein and Chuck Schumer attack Newsom and attempt to sniff his brain]

CS: What’s he got in his hair? I can’t smell his brain!

DDF:  Hair gel is our enemy!

[Dead Dianne Feinstein and Chuck Schumer leave in search of living brain]

CS:  That was a close call. May I sniff your skull?

MI: Don’t even think of it.

And so ended my interview with Dead Dianne Feinstein.  You know I never thought being without a brain could be such an advantage.

(42)

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President Biden Declares That Hunter Has Done Nothing Wrong During White House Ceremony Renaming Oval Office the “Hookers and Blow Office”

Hunter has done nothing wrong!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Biden today reacted angrily to the indictment against his son Hunter, saying that “Hunter has done absolutely nothing wrong.”

The President made these remarks at a special ceremony in the White House where the Oval Office was officially renamed in honor of his son, Hunter.

“Today is an important day for The White House family and my family” said Biden.

In honor of my son’s many achievements I am officially renaming the Oval Office after him.  From this day forward it shall be known as the Hookers and Blow office. I am naming this office after Hunter to send a message to Trump and the rest of the MAGA extremists.  My son has done nothing wrong. Nothing. He is innocent. When my oldest son Beau was killed on 9/11 while trying to shoot down one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center I told Hunter “You are the man now. You must continue the Biden legacy.”  I don’t think he heard me at first because he was snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass. But since when has that been illegal?

President Biden then introduced two celebrities to officially rebrand the office.

When I was thinking of renaming the Oval Office the Hookers and Blow Office I could think of no one better qualified to be here at the ceremony than these two. Ladies and gentlemen I give you Stevie Nicks and Mick Fleetwood!

Hooker and blow, baby. But mainly blow!

With that Nicks and Fleetwood proceeded to snort the carpet before passing out.

An embarrassing incident then occurred when the wait staff proceeded to hand out lemon-flavored cupcakes to all in attendance.

Hunter grabbed one of the waiters and started screaming “What did I tell you?  No yellow!  Not on hookers and not in cupcakes!”  He then attempted to sniff a cupcake before sadly declaring that it was “blow free.

President Biden then announced that he has ordered the firing of Special Prosecutor David Weiss, who had indicted Hunter.

I said to the United States government that if Weiss was not fired in an hour they would not get one billion in loan guarantees. And son of a bitch if Weiss wasn’t fired right after that.

The evening ended with a showing of the movie “Cocaine Bear”

“I like the cut of that bear’s jib” said Hunter.

(33)

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Former President Donald Trump Indicted for Murdering the Road Runner!

This poor innocent being was maliciously murdered by Trump!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump has more legal woes after the Arizona Attorney General indicted him today on charges of “murdering, conspiring to murder, acting in a conspiracy to murder the Road Runner and other assorted crimes we haven’t made up yet.”

“Since I am the only person in America who hasn’t indicted Trump yet I had to think of something” said the Attorney General.

I mean my reelection is coming up and I got nothing. I was falling behind in the indictment sweepstakes and if I didn’t act fast I’d totally lose out. I figure an indictment would be good for fundraising and might propel me onto higher office like governor or senator so why not give it a shot. So there I was trying to figure out what to indict him for when my son says “Daddy why is Wile E. Coyote always trying to kill the Road Runner?” That’s it! I’ll indict him for murdering the Road Runner. It makes as much sense as the other indictments.

The indictment has been hailed as “stunning and brave” by both MSNBC and CNN.

“Only a racist monster like Trump would harm an innocent Road Runner” declared Joy Reid.

“Who else but Trump would commit such a crime.  By the way I’m still gay. Just like to throw that out there in case they try to replace me” said CNN host Anderson Cooper.

The indictment of Trump takes pressure off Wile E. Coyote who had been considered the primary suspect in the death of the Road Runner.

From his hospital bed where he is recovering from wounds received from an explosion of Acme chemicals, having a boulder dropped on his head and falling off a cliff, Mr. Coyote

The person happiest Trump was indicted!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

expressed gratitude for the indictment.

“My doctor says I may never have use of my legs again” said Mr. Coyote.

But at least that bastard Trump will never walk freely again. I’d like to again thank the Attorney General for indicting Trump. I was worried they’d go after me. I did post on my Facebook page “Off to kill the Road Runner!”  I also live-streamed myself painting a railroad tunnel on the side of a cliff in hopes the Road Runner would crash into it. But all that matters now is Trump goes to jail. The walls are closing in! 

However not all are convinced the indictment will pass constitutional muster, with many critics complaining that the indictment is flimsy at best.

“It’s crap” said Alan Dershowitz. “Hey is Epstein still dead? I miss my visits to his island.”

The trial date has been set for March 2024.

“It’s important that justice is served” said the Arizona Attorney General. “Of course if this brings me publicity and helps my re-election all the better.”

Former President Trump is reportedly indignant at the indictment.

“Come on. Everyone knows Governor Desanctimonious killed the Road Runner.”

(35)

Hillary Threatens West Coast!

Vengeance is mine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world today looked on in shock and horror as Hillary threatened “mass destruction and death” to the west coast of the United States.

“The magnitude of this event has caught us all off guard” said a California official.

I don’t know why the hell she’s so angry with us. She won our state in 2016.  Everyone I know voted for her in that election.  We voted for her many times in fact. I personally remember voting six times not including absentee ballots.  Hell, it was our duty to protect America from Orange Man Bad. So this retribution against us is unfathomable. Why us? Why not destroy Alabama or West Virginia or any one of those hick red states?

The small Northern California port town of Eureka reported that Hillary appeared in the sky (artists representation of event pictured here)

Hillary is angry and will smite you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

and demanded that the world acknowledge her suzerainty.

“The entire town was frightened” said the mayor.

We’re all Californians. We all voted for her. But now is not the time to argue this point.  Her power is undeniable. So we all got down on our knees and promised eternal homage. Once we did that she seemed pacified, though she also said every resident owed her a week of labor and a she goat. We had trouble finding a she goat so we rounded up a dachshund.

This dachshund was sacrificed so we can live!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopefully she won’t notice the difference.  And as far as the week’s labor as long as we can do it remotely we’re fine with that.

South of Eureka the town of Mendocino also reported a Hillary apparition in the sky.

“It was just a normal day then we heard thunder” said one resident.

I looked up and then I saw Hillary in the sky (artist’s representation of event pictured here).

The day of retribution is at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She told me the day of reckoning was here and that we all had to pay for Trump’s election in 2016.  I then noticed that the entire town seemed to have hanged themselves on street lamps. I asked Hillary if she was responsible for this and she said she was. She then blew a trumpet and said “Let the Californians hear what shall come to pass.”

Editor’s Note:  I, the humble blogger known as Manhattan Infidel, am shocked and saddened by these events and promise to do all I can to help Californians rebuild.

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Breaking New Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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I have just been informed that the Hillary that is about to attack the West Coast is in fact a hurricane named Hillary and not the former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State and Presidential candidate. I sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding.

What?  No…..no Hillary I have already apologized.

Hillary smites!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do not smite me!  I beg you! What if I give you a she goat?

Fortunately for me Hillary accepted my offer of a she goat.  Unfortunately for me I had no she goats handy so I gave her a shi tzu.

This shih tzu is a tragic but necessary sacrifice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopefully she won’t notice the difference.

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