My Exclusive Interview with Ashley Judd (Yet Again)

THIS IS MY PUSSY HAT!

THIS IS MY PUSSY HAT!

Regular readers reader of the journalistic juggernaut unknown blog that is Manhattan Infidel know that Ashley Judd has graced my pages before. I really shouldn’t pile on but sometimes the crazy is so easy it’s like taking candy from a baby. Ah, the tears of my enemies. How delicious they taste!

MI: Good afternoon Miss Judd.

AJ: Miss? Miss?  I don’t need your binary sexism fool. My gender is fluid.

MI: Just like my bowels after eating a couple hot peppers.

AJ: Whatever pig.

MI:  I want to talk to you today about your comments equating Trump’s election to rape.

AJ: Yes. The election triggered me. It remains for me the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my lifetime. Raped as a child. Bad. Re-raped by a political system that ordains a clown. Rapey rape bad.

MI: So the election is the same as rape?  Don’t you think you’re cheapening rape by throwing the word around too much?

AJ: No!  Rapey rape is rapey! And the rapey rapists who voted for Trump have penetrated my pussy in a rapey rape fashion.

MI: Right.

AJ: The election triggered, raped and penetrated my pussy.  My pussy hasn’t been raped and penetrated since that time I was having dinner at the Russian Tea Room and I ordered caviar for an appetizer and they brought me House Cured Salmon Gravlax. I’m sure you can relate.

MI: Not really.

AJ: Well I was triggered and outraged that my waiter brought the wrong appetizer. I was humiliated and raped!

MI:  Somehow I don’t think getting the wrong appetizer is quite the same as being raped.

AJ: Rapey raped!

MI:  Rapey raped.

AJ: Do you like my hat?

MI: Your pussy hat?

AJ: It’s not just a pussy hat. It’s my actual pussy. I had it removed and stretched to make a hat.

MI: Good god woman are you insane?

AJ: Try my cookies. I baked them myself.

[Judd hands Manhattan Infidel some cookies which he eats]

MI: Hmm. These aren’t bad actually.

AJ: You’re eating my  pussy.

MI: What?

AJ: I made these cookies from my pussy. I call them pussy cookies. Because I’m powerful and I want men to eat my pussy.

[Manhattan Infidel spits out the cookies]

MI:  Jesus lady you’re insane!

AJ:  Finish my pussy. Eat my pussy!

MI: No I’m not eating your pussy! You know I never thought I’d actually say that to you.

AJ: What do you mean you won’t eat my pussy!  I feel raped.

MI: Right. I’m out of here.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

AJ: Come back! Don’t leave!  You’re raping me by leaving! Raping me in a rapey rape fashion!

The crazy is strong in this one. She’ll fit right in in Hollywood.

(2)

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Goldilocks Uses Her White Privilege to Avoid Jail Time!

The face of white privlege

The face of white privilege

The modest, rural home of a family of black bears was broken into over the weekend by Goldilocks. The bear’s possessions were ransacked and their food eaten before Goldilocks made her escape.

“We’re a poor family” said the father black bear.

Poor but proud. My house is small and the furniture spartan but I’m not ashamed. I’m a sharecropper.  It’s a tough life. I don’t have to tell you that out in the fields I fight for my meals, I get my back into my living. I provide for my family. Most days we just have porridge to eat. Well one day the wife made the porridge as usual but it was a little too hot. So me, the wife and our child decided to take a walk in the woods to let the porridge cool.  I had just finished answering nature’s call, yeah, I guess we do shit in the woods, and we walked back to our cottage.

It was upon entering their cottage that they noticed the intruder.

Our porridge had been eaten!  And a chair broken! Then we saw this white girl sleeping on our bed.  I was surprised and frightened. A white girl in our home? A brother gets lynched for something like that. I woke her up without touching her just to be safe and she jumped out our window. White girl should stay with her people. I thought that was the end of it.

Unfortunately for our sharecropper he was soon visited by police.

This white girl told police that she was kidnapped by me. I was handcuffed in front of my family and frisked. He told me that fraternizing with white girls was frowned upon. It took my wife and child to convince the policeman that we didn’t kidnap her. She broke into our place, ate our food and wrecked our furniture. Anyway the cop took my story and released me and promised a full and fair investigation. Yeah we know what that means.

Police visited Goldilocks at her family’s estate, talked to her for over an hour and decided not to press charges.

“We interviewed the woman in question and found her story credible” said a detective.

She told us she was out for a walk and got lost. Feeling hungry and tired she saw a sharecropper’s house and entered. She saw three bowls of porridge, not too hot, not too cold, and being hungry proceeded to eat it. Yes, she did break a chair and yes she was sleeping on their bed when the family came back. But they shouldn’t be leaving food behind. Goldilocks was hungry and tired so she did what any young woman would do. She saw food and ate it. The father black bear is just lucky we didn’t beat him up to teach him a lesson.

When informed that Goldilocks would not be charged the father black bear sighed and shook his head.

“I guess I shouldn’t expect justice from the system” said the father.

(11)

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From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: April 17, 2017, Trump Deposed by Military Coup!

Former President Trump was deposed today

Former President Trump was deposed today

It’s been a fast moving day here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ and events are still unfolding so I will try to recap what has happened to the best of my ability.

  • 3 am Sunday night/Monday morning

Reports first arrived of tanks and heavy artillery entering Washington DC and moving towards the White House.

  • 3:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning

Tanks break through White House gates. Gunfire erupts on ground of White House. At first this is hard to confirm because it’s Washington D.C.  As one local resident put it, “There’s always gunfire somewhere at 3 in the morning.”

  • 4:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning

After an intense hour-long gun battle the White House is secured and a military helicopter lands on the front lawn. President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump are led handcuffed into the helicopter which takes off to the military correctional facility at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

  • 6 am Monday morning

A communique from the Joint Chiefs of Staff is released that reads as follows:

In keeping with our constitutional duties to protect the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic, the United States military has occupied the nation’s capital and deposed Donald Trump, who was, after much consultation with the CIA and allies in Europe, deemed a clear and present danger to our way of life. Former President Trump has been taken to Fort Leavenworth Military Prison to await trial. We realize that a coup is a drastic action that has never happened before in our nation’s history but we could not stand idly by while a dangerous man brought our country to the brink of civil war. The Joint Chiefs have no intention of administering the country and await the arrival of Hillary Clinton who will take the oath and become our 46th President.

  • 9 am Monday morning

CNN commentators opine that perhaps Trump was deposed because he wouldn’t call on them at press conferences.

  • 9:30 am Monday morning

MSNBC calls the coup a “redistribution of power” and praises its “Socialist European efficiency.”

  • 10:30 Monday morning

Shepard Smith of Fox news, ecstatic over the coup, pleasures himself on camera calling it “The happiest day of my life.”

  • 12:00 Monday afternoon

A warrant is issued for the arrest of former Vice President Mike Pence who escaped capture by the military.  “We surrounded the Vice President’s residence but no one knows what he looks like frankly. I mean he’s the Vice President you know” said a commander.

  • 3 pm Monday afternoon

Hillary Clinton arrives at the White House to take the oath of office. Her beaming husband, former President Bill Clinton is welcomed warmly by interns.

  • 5 pm Monday afternoon

From the Oval Office President Hillary Clinton address the American people:

My fellow Americans. I stand before you today on this historic occasion fully conscious of the awful weight of responsibility that befalls on me as your first female president. Our long national nightmare is over. Donald Trump has been deposed and I, the winner of the popular vote, am now your president. I pledge to use the power of my office to …..um….are we live?  BECAUSE I NEED A FUCKING DRINK THAT’S WHY!

  • 5:05 pm Monday afternoon

The White House feeds goes dark due to “technical issues.”

  • 6:30 pm Monday evening

A man calling himself “Mike Pence, Vice President of the United States” attempts to surrender to police but is let go after no one believes him.  “I don’t know. He could have been the Vice President. Sure wish I had a photo of him to check what he looks like” said a policeman.

  • 9:00 pm Monday evening

The White House resumes transmission.  Standing in for Hillary is her First Man, former President Bill Clinton.

My fellow Americans. My wife, your President, is very tired and will address you tomorrow morning. That is all I have to say for now. Good night.

  • 10 pm Monday evening

An intoxicated President Hillary Clinton is seen vomiting in the Rose Garden

There you have it readers. What an historic day!

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Incredible Hulk Fired by Burger King!

Hulk smash customers!

Hulk smash customers!

The Incredible Hulk was fired today from his position at a local Burger King after receiving a negative employee evaluation.

“I knew I shouldn’t have hired him in the first place” said his supervisor at Burger King.

First off he showed up at the interview wearing no shirt. Granted this is Florida but still pretty unusual. Then on the application under first name he writes “Incredible” and last name as “Hulk.” I asked him what was so incredible about him and he said whenever he becomes angry or outraged his penis experiences a startling transformation. You know if I weren’t gay and into shirtless green men I would have ended the interview.

Despite the awkward interview the Hulk was hired.  Trouble began immediately.

It was our lunch rush and there was a long line. The first person wasn’t sure what they wanted and was holding everybody up. So he gets angry and told him to “choose something now or Hulk smash!”  Well let’s just say the customer left and never came back. I know it was his first day and all so I cut him some slack. I just pulled him aside and told him not to talk to the customers that way. If he were smart he would have taken it as constructive criticism. But instead he gets all defensive and says “Don’t make Hulk angry.” I could have taken that as a threat but as a manager I’m trained in conflict resolution. And anal.

The Hulk also had a tendency to show up late for his shift.

He was always fifteen minutes late at best and as a manager it’s my job to make sure my employees show up on time. And fine them if they break any trays. I asked him why he was late. He says “Hulk have many enemies. Hulk smash enemies.” Look I know all about having enemies. My ex wife still hasn’t forgiven me for leaving her for someone 20 years younger who had a penis. But there is no excuse for habitual lateness. I told him to come in on time or it would reflect poorly on his evaluation.

The final straw for the Hulk came during Burger King’s “special order” promotion.

We at Burger King believe the customer is always right. If they want no pickles we’ll hold it. If they want no lettuce we’ll hold it. Well one day when he was working he just lost it. He threw his Burger King hat off and said “Hold pickles? Hold lettuce? Special orders make Hulk smash! Then he runs out into the parking lot and destroys all the cars, picking them up and tossing them across the street. That was when I decided to let him go.

Called into his manager’s office and given walking papers, a contrite Hulk promised to do better.

“Hulk need job. Hulk have bills to pay!”

Despite his protestations the Hulk was not rehired.

“Look not everyone is good at customer service” said his manager.

“I’m sure he’ll get a new job soon. I mean he’s green and doesn’t wear a shirt. He might fit into a business casual office environment.

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Manhattan Infidel Presents: Eight Years and Counting (The Pon Farr Edition)

I have killed my captain and my friend. But he didn't have a blog so I guess that's alright.

I have killed my captain and my friend. But he didn’t have a blog so I guess that’s alright.

On February 20, 2009, one month into the presidency of The One Who Lowers Sea Levels, a humble insignificant blog debuted called Manhattan Infidel.

Well it’s eight years later and this humble, insignificant blog has turned into, well, a very humble and very insignificant blog with only three regular readers (not counting the NSA).

As I do every anniversary a theme is chosen. This year it is the Vulcan mating ritual of the Pon Farr. (Pon Farr not valid where prohibited by law. Do not Pon Farr if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.)

C.H.E. from somewhere in the alligator-infested swamps of Florida writes, “Manhattan Infidel, parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched. I await you.”

You’re paying for dinner, correct?

L.T. of the savage land of Astoria, Queens writes, “One touches the other; in order to feel each other’s thoughts.”

Hey look lady, you have no claim on me. It was just one night of passion.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “How do independent contractors choose their mate? Haven’t you ever wondered?”

To which I responded, “I guess the rest of us assume that it’s done quite logically.”

A.P. of Poughkeepsie:  “No. No. It is not. We shield it with ritual and customs shrouded in antiquity. You who use a W2 have no conception. It strips our minds from us. It brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilization. I’d hoped I would be spared this, but the ancient drives are too strong. Eventually, they catch up with us, and we are driven by forces we cannot control to return home and take a wife.”

Remind me not to shake your hand next time we see each other.

M.P.A. of confederate territory, Maryland writes, “Would you make me some of that plomeek soup?”

Do I look like a cook?

O.B. of California writes, “Here begins the act of combat for possession of the woman, T’Pring. As it was at the time of the beginning, so it is now. Bring forth the lirpa.”

You know what, I’ll just use Tinder thank you.  Pon Farr my ass.

D.B. formerly of Philadelphia but now living out of suitcases trying to stay one step ahead of the Feds writes, “The air is the air. What can be done?”

Well for starters reduce your carbon footprint you climate change denier!

E.K. retired and living in luxury somewhere in NYC writes, ““I burn T’Pau. My eyes are flame. My heart is flame.”

Change your saline solution and stop eating so much spicy food.

S.D. of Minneapolis writes, “It is said, thy Vulcan blood is thin.”

I have very poor circulation. That’s why my hands and feet are always cold as ice.

LSP of Lone Star Parson writes, “You will instruct Mr. Chekov to plot course for the nearest starbase, where I must surrender myself to the authorities.”

Chekov? I knew you had shady ties to the Russians.

Bob of Bob’s Blog writes, “Manhattan Infidel, lock me away. I do not wish to be seen. I cannot. No blogger could explain further.”

Is this about those pictures on your iPhone? Come on I have over 600 photos of my penis on my phone. You don’t see me complaining do you?

J.B. of Chicago, sometimes known as D.N. writes, “You have become much known among our people Manhattan Infidel, almost a legend. And as the years went by, I came to know that I did not want to be the consort of a legend.”

But I’m wearing sexy underwear!

And there you have it. Eight years of  Manhattan Infidel. Will there be eight more years?  I don’t know. For I have killed my captain and my friend.

Okay so he was getting on my nerves.  Like you’ve never killed anybody.

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Odo, Head of Security on Deep Space 9 Accidentally Drank By Jake Sisko!

Please do not drink the water!

Please do not drink the water!

Odo the changeling in charge of security onboard the space station Deep Space 9 in the Milky Way galaxy has been drunk by Jake Sisko the annoying son of the station’s commander.

“Odo is a valued member of this space station. But very private” said Commander Benjamin Sisko.

As such not many people know that he has to return to a natural liquid state every 12 hours or so. I know. The doctor knows. Major Kiera knows. But only because Odo is in love with her and wanted to come clean with her. Like I said he’s very private. He was slightly embarrassed at having to change into a liquid every 12 hours and naturally didn’t want anyone to witness it. That’s why he had a bucket in his quarters. And a sign on his door that said “Do not drink the water” because you know, he was afraid of being drank. In retrospect I wish he had told more people.

The trouble for Odo began when Jake Sisko, pictured here,

What the hell am I wearing?

What the hell am I wearing?

entered Odo’s quarters to talk to him.

My son is always seeking advice from Odo. He respects him. Most importantly he respects Odo’s fashion sense. I remember Jake asking me on a couple occasions, “Dad, what the hell am I wearing? This outfit is just downright ugly. No wonder I don’t have any luck with the ladies.You’d think I was Geordi La Forge or something.” So I assume he went to Odo’s quarters to talk to him. You know, things a boy wouldn’t be comfortable talking to his father about. I wish I had told him about the bucket.

Unaware of Odo’s need to return to a liquid state, young Jake Sisko entered Odo’s quarters.

As Odo was not home Sisko sat down on the couch to wait for him. As the time passed and there was no sign of Odo he became thirsty and noticed Odo’s regeneration bucket

Don't drink me!

Don’t drink me!

on the dinette, setting the stage for the eventual tragedy.

Thirsty from playing baseball in the holodeck with his father, Sisko drank the bucket.

It wasn’t until Odo failed to report for his shift that a security team was sent to his quarters where the empty bucket that previously contained Odo’s liquid state was found.

“I ordered a search” said Commander Sisko.

I have a stupid son.

I have a stupid son.

I was afraid that an enemy of the Federation had stolen Odo when he was liquid. While the search was going on  I asked my son if he noticed a bucket filled with liquid in Odo’s quarters. That’s when he said “Yeah, dad. I drank it. I was thirsty.” So I grounded him. The kid’s done some stupid things but drinking a crew member? That may be how the Cardassians roll by it’s not how I run this station.

In the meantime Sisko has lined his quarters with newspapers.

“When Odo changes back to solid form and bursts out of my son it’s going to be messy and I don’t want to deal with the cleanup. I should have told my stupid son about the bucket.”

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Washington DC to be Renamed Margaret Sanger DC

Washington was a slaveholder!

Washington was a slaveholder!

It has been announced that Washington DC, in an attempt to heal the racial wounds of America, will be renamed in honor of Margaret Sanger.

“We need to move on from our past” said the president of the National Association to Remove Racist Images, Names and Statues.

We are a racially divided country and until we acknowledge this there will always be racial tension. George Washington was a slaveholder. To name our Capital after him was a mistake. To keep his name in our Capital is a mistake. It inflames racial tensions and is an affront to black people.

Margaret Sanger was chosen as the new name of the Capital because an exhaustive research of her papers shows that she was a woman, albeit a binary one, who never owned slaves.

There was some controversy however over the choosing of Sanger’s name because of her advocacy of eugenics as a solution to racial problems.

Yes Margaret Sanger was a proponent of abortion to weed out undesirables in the black race. But only by abortion can we save black people. The more blacks that abort their children the more they save them from falling into the hands of the white oppressor. So we approve of black abortion. And it must be noted that she never owned slaves. That makes her morally superior to George Washington.

Once Washington DC has been officially renamed the National Association to Remove Racist Images, Names and Statues plans to continue its work to make the Capital a “safe zone” for everybody.

The Jefferson Memorial will be torn down and replaced by the Al Sharpton memorial. Jefferson like Washington was a slaveholder. He also had sexual relations with his slaves. He is not a role model for modern Americans. Sharpton on the other hand is the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in the 21st century. A more fitting subject for a memorial we can’t think of.

The Lincoln Memorial will also be torn down and replaced by a memorial to Caitlyn Jenner.

The struggle for trans identity is very important. Almost as important as ensuring all food is gluten-free. Abraham Lincoln, while not a slave holder that we know of remained silent on the all important issue of trans identity. We’ve searched his writings and cannot find one reference to transsexualism. But what do you expect from a Republican?

Also to be removed: Memorials to the Korean and Vietnam wars.

Both were fought on peninsulas and peninsulas resemble penises. Just another example of the war-like tendency bred into all men. How can our Capital be a place of peace with so many penises?

Depending of how much money they can raise the group also hopes to replace the Capitol dome with a giant nipple.

“Nipples bring peace and lactose free milk. Only then will our Capital be morally pure” explained the Association’s newsletter.

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Mt. St. Helens Eruption Caused by Blofeld!

The face of global warming

SPECTRE caused this!

Newly released documents show that the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens was caused by Ernst Stavros Blofeld, head of the international criminal organization SPECTRE.

“We are releasing these documents because the public deserves to know that Blofeld was using unsafe materials in constructing an underground lair” said Acting EPA administrator Catherine McCabe.

Ernst Stavros Blofeld has a history of cutting corners when building his underground lairs. If one sets aside the argument that he should not be hollowing out volcanoes in the first place and concede that a volcano can serve as a satisfactory lair then one would hope that proper oversight and safety would be followed. This obviously was not the case.

Records indicate that on or around February of 1980 Blofeld (pictured here)

All safety measures were followed!

All safety measures were followed!

obtained a permit to hollow up Mt. St. Helens on behalf of his dummy corporation, “The Underground Lair Company of Washington.”   

Once permits were obtained Blofeld, using non-union labor and with little oversight, proceeded to drill into the side of the mountain.

“We saw this bald Englishman with a scar holding a cat in the neighborhood” said a local.

At first we didn’t think anything of it. We figured he was visiting from Canada. He would always be in the diner having tea and shepherd’s pie. Eventually one of us asked him what he was doing and he mentioned that he was an international supervillain  who was building a new underground lair. We just shrugged it off. So he’s eccentric. Big deal.

Once word got out about Blofeld’s excavation, regulators from the EPA visited his site and found many safety violations.

“Well for one he was using all sorts of explosives” said an investigator at the scene.

If those weren’t dangerous enough he also had nuclear warheads. Now I just work for the EPA. I’m not a chemist. Or a physicist. Or have any background in science actually but it doesn’t take a genius to see that the elements for disaster were staring us in the face.

The EPA tried to stop Blofeld’s underground lair excavations. Blofeld responded by telling a judge that he had to excavate and stay on schedule.

“Supervillains love to gossip” his affidavit said.

They are all watching me now seeing if I can finish my lair. If I can’t I’ll never hear the end of it. “Oh there goes Blofeld. Couldn’t even hollow out a volcano. And he calls himself a supervillain!”  If I don’t finish this on time my plan to take over the world will fail putting tens of thousands out of work.

Eventually Blofeld was given a cease and desist order to stop work. Shortly thereafter Mt. St. Helens erupted killing approximately 57 people. Rumor has it that Blofeld scuttled his lair on purpose to show the other supervillains that if he couldn’t hollow out a volcano at least he could cause an explosion seen from space.

Using his contacts in the underworld Blofeld was able to escape to Canada before authorities could arrest him.

Blofeld has since gone on to build 27 underground lairs from hollowed out volcanoes in 12 different countries. None however in the United States.

“Jesus when did America become such a regulatory shithole” he told SPECTRE coworkers.

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Skull Island Builds Wall to Keep Out King Kong; Protests Erupt!

Build the wall! Make Skull Island great again!

Build the wall! Make Skull Island great again!

The leaders of Skull Island have restarted a long-dormant project to build a wall to keep out unwanted residents.

“This is something we have to do” said Skull Island’s president.

We all know what happens if there is no barrier. King Kong and the other prehistoric monsters come over, trample everything and generally unsettle the city. This is necessary for our security. That’s why we are building this wall. Not only will I build this wall but I will make King Kong pay for it! 

The wall, estimated to cost hundreds of millions, will span the length of Skull Island, cutting off  the city from the interior where King Kong lives.

No one is saying that giant prehistoric animals are bad. Okay they are. Let’s be honest about this. Crime. Destruction of property. Lower tax revenue. Higher welfare costs. All this the monsters bring with them.

While there is large support for the wall the project is not uncontroversial. The pro-immigrant party has started a series of protests throughout the city.  Carrying banners that say “Hey ho! Racism Sexism Homophobia Giant Prehistoric Monster Phobia Has Got to Go!” protesters have blocked traffic and smashed store fronts.

“This administration is racist, dangerous and opposed to core Skull Island values” said the leader of the opposition party.

We are a generous, welcoming people. King Kong and the other prehistoric monsters are gentle creatures. They make our society better. To try and blame them for the destruction of our city is not fair. You know what this is don’t you? It’s sexual jealousy. The people building this wall are racists who don’t want to see Kong mate with our blond women. I consider Kong a friend and he makes me a better person. And yes, before you ask, Kong and the other prehistoric creatures should have access to free health care when they are in our city.  So Mr. President, tear down this wall! It is not compassionate.

Those who oppose the wall are hoping that Skull Island’s Supreme Court rules against construction.

The rule of law is sacred to us. Except the laws that we break opposing laws we don’t like. And that’s not breaking the law. It is showing how virtuous we are. So we trust the judges to reign in the power of our democratically-elected tyrant.

As for King Kong he does not know what the controversy is about.

Look I don’t want a wall being built either. I like coming to Skull Island City. I get free medical care. I get to vote for the party that opposes the wall even though I’m not a citizen and I can penetrate their blonde women. What’s wrong with that? And I’m not paying for any damn wall that’s for sure.

The Skull Island Supreme Court is expected to rule on the constitutionality of the wall sometime in the spring.

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Captain Jean-Luc Picard Named “Most Boring Officer in Star Fleet”!

We find this man extremely boring. Make i so!

We find this man extremely boring. Make i so!

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise was named Star Fleet’s most boring officer beating out fellow shipmates Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge and Lieutenant Worf (son of Mogh.)

“It was a tight race” said one of the judges.

While all three are stunningly boring we found La Forge’s lack of success with the ladies, even in the Holodeck, interesting. And while Worf has been known to put people to sleep faster than an Oscars telecast he at least has an interesting sadomasochistic sex life. Picard on the other has nothing interesting about him. His command style is not interesting. His face is boring. Even in his spare time he bores other people. So he’s an amateur archaeologist. Big deal. Did you ever listen to him talk about archaeology? I’d rather listen to the Dave Matthews band. And that tells you how boring he is.

Also helping Picard win was the fact that for the first time those outside the Federation were allowed to vote.

We wanted to see what those species he makes contact with thought of him. Armus, a shape-shifting oily slick of rage (pictured here) 

I may be filled with rage but at least I'm not boring!

I may be filled with rage but at least I’m not boring!

told us that the reason he was filled with rage and had to kill Tasha Yar was that he found Picard annoying. “Super annoyingly boring” were his exact words.  “He was the source of my rage. So boring. So goddamn boring.”  Q of the Q continuum (seen here)  

Picard is very boring.

Picard is very boring.

told us that he didn’t find Picard interesting at all.  “He was like a pet. A goldfish if you will. Frankly I find goldfish more interesting. At least I can swallow them at parties.” 

But it was the Romulans who really found Picard boring.

“We’ve dealt with Picard on a few occasions” said a Romulan who participated in the survey.

It’s always painful. And boring. Very, very, very boring. We have a saying on the Romulan Homeworld:  Picarded to death. It’s the equivalent of the human saying “bored to death.”  Do you know why we developed our cloaking technology?  So Picard couldn’t find us and bore us. In fact we usually don’t go down with the ship. We started that rather than have to beam on board the Enterprise and talk to senor El Boro.

Picard, while maintaining that he is not boring was pleased with his award.

Finally some recognition. I am happy to win this. You know I am not really that boring. Why just the other day Doctor Crusher told me that she didn’t find me boring at all. Though she does have a tendency to fall asleep during sex. Or when she’s talking to me. Or in fact whenever I’m in the same room.  Poor woman must have narcolepsy.

The winner of the annual award gets a gift certificate to Arby’s and a scholarship to anesthetist school.

“If you’re going to be that boring might as well put people to sleep professionally” said a judge.

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