My Exclusive Interview with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Andrew Cuomo was never that great!







Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing His Honor Andrew Cuomo, the governor of the great state of New York.

MI:  Good afternoon Governor Cuomo

AC:  Who the hell are you?

MI:  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

AC:  Manhattan Infidel was never that great.

MI: I happen to agree with you but I think my three two one readers would disagree.

AC:  You suck.

MI:  Okay.

AC:  You really suck.

MI: Yes you’ve made your Point. Anyway I want to talk to you about your recent

comments at a rally. You said that, and I’m quoting, “America was never that


There were audible gasps from your supporters in the audience. Do you care to follow

up or explain your comments?

AC:  America sucks. It’s racist. Look at me. I’m an immigrant. I’m undocumented.

And my path to success has been blocked by the white man.

MI:  Um. You’re the son of Mario Cuomo. Former governor of New York. You grew up

in privilege.


MI:  Mr. Governor?

AC:  You suck.

MI: [Sigh]  Back to your comments.

AC:  You sucky suck suck suck.

MI: Okay.

AC: Sucky sucky suck suck.

MI: Look – 

ACYou were never that great.

MI: Okay if  you’re not going to talk to me then I’ll just have my lunch.

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to eat his lunch of potatoes and ham steak]

MI:  Mm. These potatoes are delicious.

AC:  Potatoes were never that great.

MI: I have to disagree. It’s all in the seasoning. I know a woman who seasons them

just right and they are delicious.

AC:  Potatoes suck. Sucky suck suck suck!

MI: We’ll have to agree to disagree. Now onto the ham steaks.

AC: Ham steaks were –

MI: Never that great. Yes. I know. Again we’ll have to agree to disagree.  Now onto

my dessert – cherry frosted Pop Tarts.

AC:  Cherry Frosted Pop Tarts were never that great.


MI: What did you say?

AC: I said cherry frosted Pop Tarts were never that great!

[Manhattan Infidel lunges at Andrew Cuomo]

MI:  Take it back you son of a bitch!

[The two grapple on the floor}

AC: Ow. Not my area. Leave my area alone!

MI: Your area was never that great.

AC:  That’s what my ex-wife said.

MI: Now take it back. Take it back. Cherry frosted Pop Tarts are fantastic!

[Manhattan Infidel shoves cherry frosted Pop Tarts into Cuomo’s mouth]

MI: Eat it!  Eat it!


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has been found wandering the streets in a daze,

with remnants of cherry frosted Pop Tarts covering his mouth.

“This was a brutal attack. An attack filled with rage” said the attending ER doctor.


Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News Still More Breaking News


New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, recently released from a hospital, has vowed

to spend the rest of his life ensuring “Pop Tart equality for all.”

“I will not rest until every man, woman and child in New York has an ample supply

of these delicious treats.”

He then said that, besides Pop Tarts, “Everything else has never been great.”



Betty Boop: Casey Affleck Sexually Harassed Me!

This girl just wants to be loved by you – but it’s my choice!











Notorious bad girl sex symbol Betty Boop has unleashed explosive allegations against actor and director Casey Affleck.

“While working on a film with him I was subject to repeated harassment and innuendos” said the curvy brunette.

He kept leering at me. Granted I am very sexy but I am also a professional and I didn’t appreciate it. Not only would he leer at me but he would pretend to trip and grab my breasts to stop his fall. Come on. I wasn’t born yesterday. That trick is as old as the “I’m sorry I walked out of the bathroom naked I didn’t know you were in the next room” trick that Justin Bieber used to pull on me. Granted Bieber is Canadian and every woman wants a Canadian. They are so sexy. But I’m not that kind of girl. Except for Canadians. And Ben Affleck. You know when I took this job I thought Casey would introduce me to his brother. I wouldn’t mind being sexually harassed by Ben Affleck. He’s so sexy. Granted he’s not Justin Bieber. Or even Canadian. And I suspect he wears a toupee. That’s a turnoff. So yeah. Sexual harassment is always bad. Unless it’s by Justin Bieber, or any Canadian. Or even Ben Affleck who may be sporting a wig. Harassment! It goes against human dignity! Unless it’s a Canadian harassing you. But in the absence of Canadians I’ll take an Irishman. They are sexy. Unless they are from Ulster. But that’s just common sense.

Casey Affleck for his part denies Ms. Boop’s allegations.

“Come on. I”m a busy actor and director. I don’t have time to harass anyone” said the not as sexy brother of Ben Affleck.

And I’m a liberal Democrat. And we don’t harass women. This is just one big misunderstanding. As for falling on her and grabbing her breasts I have high blood pressure and the medication the doctor has me on lowers it. A lot. Sometimes I get dizzy when I stand up. That’s what happened. I got dizzy and fell forward. I needed something to grab onto so I wouldn’t hit the floor and the only thing available were Ms. Boop’s boobs. I mean come on. You can see those babies from space. I’m just glad her life-saving breasts were there for me to grab hold of. Granted I got dizzy 17 times that day around her and every time I did I fell into her breasts. But that’s just a coincidence. I’m an actor and a director. You can trust me.


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


Actor and director Ben Affleck, who is sexier than his brother Casey Affleck though not as sexy as a Canadian, denies wearing a toupee.

“That’s my real hair” he said.

“Granted it is helmet-like but I think it makes me look sexy. Sexier than an Irishman. You know a real one not one of those fake ones from Ulster. But that’s just common sense.”


Manhattan Infidel Calls for the Defunding and Eventual Abolition of ICE!

Ice is racist!





Like many of my readers reader homeless dude who skims my pool, I have recently noticed how controversial ice has become. Many are protesting ice and calling for its abolition. This came as a surprise to me as I use ice frequently in my daily life, particularly during the summer months.

But willing to keep an open mind, and knowing that I may be wrong, I have recently examined the role ice plays in my life and asked myself the following questions:

  1.  Is, as many people are passionately proclaiming, ice racist?
  2. Does ice lead to the separation of families?
  3. Should ice be defunded and abolished?
  4. What would an ice-free United States look like?

Is Ice Racist?

It is white, the traditional color of racism. So on first glance ice appears to be racist. But I needed empirical proof so I took a 6 inch figurine of Confederate general Robert E. Lee and put it in my freezer next to the ice.  The next morning I opened the freezer and the ice had stuck to Robert E. Lee like former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick sticks to a seminarian.

Needing yet further evidence I took the ice out of my freezer and placed it next to a photo of civil rights icon Martin Luther King. The ice melted confirming that ice is probably racist or at the very least a white nationalist.

Does Ice Lead to the Separation of Families?

Let this personal anecdote tell the tale:  

Needing ice for the keg I rented I left my fiancee home alone while I went to the store to buy those giant bags of ice. Hence, we were separated. When I arrived back at my place my fiancee was unconscious on the kitchen floor, surrounded by fragments of frosted cherry Pop Tarts, as our cat licked her face.

Verdict: Not only does ice lead to the separation of families but it also leads to high cholesterol. And cat drool.

Should Ice be Defunded or Abolished?

Defunded and abolished are both big words. I shall have to look up the meaning so I’ll get back to you on that. But I suspect defunding and abolishing are good things.

What Would an Ice-Free United States Look Like?

While this is just speculation on my part I believe that an ice-free United States would most likely resemble the face of veteran actor Richard Basehart (pictured here).

This is America without ice!









Thus, without the racist, destabilizing presence of ice, America would be kind and grandfatherly, yet exuding authority and respect.

So it seems clear:  Ice must be defunded and abolished.  All who disagree with me regarding ice need to be rounded up and shot by a firing squad. That is the American way.

No ice today!

No ice tomorrow!

No ice forever!


My Exclusive Interview with Anti-War Activist Cindy Sheehan (Who Used to be Famous)

There is a Republican in the White House. Why am I not back in demand?








Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am feeling a bit nostalgic so I’ve decided to interview a figure who used to be famous back in the first decade of this century. I am referring to none other than anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Sheehan.

CS: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Now let’s start off with a brief recap. Most are familiar with your story. Your son was killed in the Iraqi war and you became an anti-war activist during the Bush administration.

CS: Yes. The Bush Administration. Those were good times. The press used me at every opportunity to embarrass the President. I was in demand. My moral authority was hailed by the New York Times. I was on the verge of forcing a paradigm shift in America.

MI: And then what happened?

CS: Barack Obama was elected. Suddenly the press wasn’t as interested in using me to embarrass a sitting president.

MI: Even if the Iraqi war and the war in Afghanistan continued and President Obama was killing more people with drone strikes than Bush ever did?

CS: Well I understand why the press ignored me then. War is moral when Democrats do it.

MI: Um. I see.

CS: But there’s a Republican in the White House now. Why is the press still ignoring me?  I though they were my friends.

MI: I have no idea.

CS: And another thing, Manhattan Infidel. I agreed to this interview only if sandwiches were available. Look, this. This miniature bread, it like… I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour and I can’t figure out… let’s say I wanted a bite, right. You got this…

MI: You’d like bigger bread?

CS: Exactly. I don’t under stand how…

MI: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this… though.

CS: [folding the bread] Well, no… then it’s half the size…

MI:  No, not the bread. [folding the meat]. You could fold the meat…

CS: This bread is too small, like my time in the spotlight.

[David Hogg enters] 

Teenagers shall rule America!








DH: What’s all this about a limited time in the spotlight?

MI: ‘Fraid so. The press will move on once you’re not useful anymore.

DH: But….but….gun control!  Hey, what’s with the small bread?

CS:  I fold it but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this…

DH: Let me see that. I keep folding it and it keeps breaking. What the hell?

CS: Who are those people with you?

DH: It’s my armed security team.

CS: But you’re a gun control activist!

DH: Are you threatening me?  Security!

[Hogg’s armed guards proceed to pistol whip Cindy Sheehan]

CS: Help!  Help!

DH: Don’t worry ma’am. They are Democrats.

CS: Thank god. Just don’t take my small bread!

DH: Like I’m going to listen to you. You’re not even famous like I am!

[Hold up miniature sandwich]

DH: I don’t want this. I want large bread, so I can put this…

[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]

DH: … so then it’s like this. But this doesn’t work, because then it’s all…hanging out.

MI: Well I’ll leave alone to battle the small bread.

DH: Ban assault small bread! I am now an anti-gun, anti-small bread activist!

CS: The moral authority of large bread cannot be questioned!

And so ended my interview. You know they were right about one thing.  Large sandwiches are better. I think I’ll head over to Subway and get a foot long. Cold cut combo. Maybe black forest ham.



From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, January 20, 2025: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sworn in as 46th President of the United States of America!

Give me your money, gringo!







For the first time in its racist, sexist, homophobic history, a gendered womyn of color was sworn in as President of the United States.

Thousands of proud Hispanics from such far flung regions as the South Bronx and Northern Manhattan lined the Capitol building to see one of their tribe sworn in.

Note:  Hispanics from California, being mostly from Mexico and Central America, were banned from attending the inauguration.  Said DC’s police chief:

Look I’m all for Hispanic diversity but Mexicans and Central Americans? They might bring assault knives with them. And if that happens this city will turn into a violent hellhole.  I mean, more than it already is. Not that I’m implying anything racist like our predominantly black population shoot each other. I’m just saying that out of an abundance of caution we don’t want Mexicans and Central Americans in our proud and safe city. Very safe. Come and visit. Nothing will happen to you.

The police chief was then tragically shot dead. Probably by a Mexican who was trying to pass as a Puerto Rican.

“He was a Mexican alright” said the arresting officer.

I mean, I’m color blind. All people are equal. But usually when we have Hispanic suspects and we want to know if he’s Puerto Rican or Mexican we take him to the nearest swimming pool and have him do a few laps. Mexicans are good swimmers. Probably from all that swimming across the Rio Grande. Puerto Ricans sink to the bottom. That’s how we tell. And Mexicans make better tacos of course. But that goes without saying.

And with that Ms. Ocasio-Cortez was sworn in as President. She started her inauguration speech by saying a few words in her native language of Spanish.

Me gustaría decir algunas palabras a los muchos mexicanos que residen en los Estados Unidos.  ¡Danos tus recetas de tacos! ¿Cuánto tiempo debe negarle a sus compañeros hispanos buenas recetas de tacos? Mi administración está dedicada a la igualdad del taco. Buenas recetas de taco hoy! Buenas recetas de taco mañana! Buenas recetas de tacos para siempre!

The new president then switched to her second language of English.

My fellow Americans. You have nothing to fear from my socialist agenda. It will not increase our debt. Socialism is cheap. Ponder the hidden costs of capitalism. Funerals are expensive! And when I establish a single payer socialist healthcare system funerals shall be free! That is all I want to say. Oh, and if you see a Mexican with a taco detain him. Get the taco recipe from him. I don’t care what you have to do to get it. Waterboard him if you have to. Think of the hidden costs of bad taco recipes.

She then thanked Americans for voting for her.

“Where else in the world except this racist and sexist country could the child of immigrants become President? This is truly a great country. Except for the racism, sexism and homophobia.”

President Ocasio-Cortez finished her speech by promising to visit Mexico.

“I have to get some taco recipes for the White House cook.”


Jupiter Comes Out; Will Transition to Sun

Jupiter defies bourgeois labels











The gas giant Jupiter shocked the tight knit Solar System community today when he announced that he self-identifies as a sun and will begin immediate transformation.

“It’s true” said the former gas giant.

All my life I’ve believed I was different. That I didn’t fit in with the other planets or gas giants. Throughout my life, I have grappled with my own identity, who I am. As a young gas giant, I often felt ambivalent about myself, in fact, confused. Yet, from my early days until the present day, I acknowledged some feelings, a certain sense separated me from others. At a point in every gas giant’s life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the Solar System, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.  And so my truth is that I am a sun. I will immediately begin transitioning to a sun.

Reaction to the surprise announcement was swift.

“I suspected as much” said his close gas giant neighbor Saturn.

He just didn’t fit in at the gas giant barbecues. I used to catch him staring at my rings. Once he asked me if I would penetrate him with my rings. I was a little creeped out about that but let it pass. But after that I made sure to keep him away from Uranus. I wish him luck in his new identity. Though personally I think he’s crazy. What’s wrong with being a gas giant?  Sure being a sun is nice. All hot and full of energy. But we giants are beautiful in our own right. Sometimes I look at Neptune, so blue, so beautiful and I am overwhelmed by feelings I am ashamed of. I mean not that I would every do anything to Neptune. I just like looking at him. So blue. So smooth. Oh god why doesn’t Neptune love me?  I just want to touch him!

Mars, Jupiter’s other neighbor, expressed shock at the announcement.

“I never suspected a thing” he said.

He always seemed happy as a gas giant. Perhaps it was because my view of his true nature was blocked by the asteroid field. But no matter the reason I never suspected anything. Though one time he did ask me for Uranus’ phone number. Even then I didn’t suspect anything. I just thought it was a gas giant-ice giant thing. It could have been worse. At least he didn’t ask me for Neptune’s number. That would have led to a brawl with Saturn.

The strongest reaction came from the Sun.

“He’s a jackass” said the Sun.

Just because he feels he is a sun does not mean he is. You are what you are. He’s a gas giant. Nothing wrong with that. Does he think it’s easy being a sun?  It’s a lot of work I tell you. Lots of responsibility. I have to make sure I heat the Earth just right. And are they grateful? Nope. Sometimes I get pissed off and throw a solar flare or two their way just to disrupt their communication satellites.  I tell you it’s fun playing with them.

The most positive reaction to Jupiter’s announcement came from the dwarf planet, Pluto.

“He can be whatever he wants with me. I like them big if you know what I mean.”


From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, 2037: Mueller Probe Enters 20th Year!

Somebody has to be guilty!






A milestone in Washington D.C. history was reached today as Robert Mueller’s probe into alleged Russian collusion during the 2016 election entered its 20th year.

The probe has outlasted the Trump administration, the Second American Civil War that saw Washington burned to the ground and even special prosecutor Mueller himself.

Mueller died in 2030 after choking on caviar at the Russian Tea Room.  Fortunately quick-thinking attendants rushed Mueller to the nearest hospital where Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)

Don’t cry for me New York’s 14th congressional district










graciously agreed to have her head removed and attached to Mueller’s body so that the probe could continue.

“Much like socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make progress” said Ocasio-Cortez-Mueller,

The continuing decades-long probe into Russian collusion into the 2016 election allows us to make progress towards a permanent blue wave. I am a socialist. And as a socialist I have generously agreed to redistribute my head onto the body of this old white man.  My brain will keep the probe alive. My synapses will take over for Roberto Muellerio and together we shall finally prove that Donald Trump colluded with the Russians to take away the election from the gringo lady in the pant suits. Muy bueno!  Muy bueno!

The probe, funded through a gracious grant by the Chubb group of insurance companies has yet to prove that Donald Trump colluded with the Russians. Indeed the last indictment was in 2031 of a low-level I.T. person on Capitol  Hill who was sentenced to 375 years in prison  for not backing up the pictures of Mueller’s cat from his hard drive.

While many, usually deplorables and other Republicans, feel that the probe should be shut down others point to the fact that the probe now employs three million people across the United States, making it the third largest employer in the country, behind only Johnny Depp and the cast of of the Walking Dead (itself in its 25th year).

Ocasio-Cortez-Mueller however has vowed to end the probe this year by finally indicting Trump.

“The Gringo Trump, he go down. Si. Si” said the charismatic future of the Democratic Party.

As to what Trump will be indicted for, rumors are swirling around DC that there is a secret tape of Trump boasting about grabbing Russian women “by the pussy.”

“What sort of person other than a colluder grabs women by the pussy?” said Nancy  Pelosi-Feinstein-Schumer, who had her head grafted onto Diane Feinstein who had both of the heads grafted onto Chuck Schumer after their deaths.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Alexandria Ocasio-Corez-Mueller announced today that she has indicted Former President Trump for colluding with the Russians during the 2016 election.

“I have no evidence. No evidence. Si. Si. But the pant suit woman said she would have me killed if I didn’t indict him.’



Manhattan Infidel Examines the Subtle and Nuanced Tweets of Sarah Jeong



As many may know the New York Times (“All the news that’s fit to make up”) recently came into a bit of controversy when they hired Sarah Jeong to join their editorial board.  Many complained that her tweets were racist.

I, Manhattan Infidel, decided to see if there was any truth to this rumor so I have examined her tweets and I am proud to say that I found no evidence of racism.

To prove my point I have included a few of her non-offensive, totally not racist tweets.

  • Oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get being cruel to old white men.”

To be fair to Miss Jeong, cruel is a very nuanced term. It can mean many things.  Old white men is a nuanced term as well. Put them together and you have a very nuanced phrase. Technically being cruel to old white men would be forcing them to wait on line for the bathroom.  You see. Very nuanced.  But Manhattan Infidel you say cruel is not a nuanced term. Yes it is. But you don’t understand  the nuances of nuance because you probably don’t live in Manhattan. That makes you stupid. In a nuanced way that is.

  • Are white people genetically predisposed to burn faster in the sun, thus logically being only fit to live underground like groveling goblins?

At first glance many Republicans and deplorables (“The un-nuanced”) may view this as racist. But upon further reflection the tweet is based on settled science. White people do burn quicker in the sun. Thousands of Irish spontaneously combust every year when exposed to sunlight. That’s a fact! You probably haven’t heard about this scientific fact. I can’t blame you, dear readers, for not living in Manhattan and being un-nuanced. You’ve probably never even heard of Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the greatest scientific mind of  this or any other generation.

  • Why was Darth Vader evil?  Because he was white! And white people are evil!

Now how can anyone say this tweet is racist? Darth Vader is white. Darth Vader is evil. While I was disappointed that this tweet wasn’t more nuanced I can only surmise that perhaps Ms. Jeong was attempting to reach across the aisle to the bitter, clinging white folk. I am white.But I live in Manhattan. That makes me nuanced and not bitter or clinging.

  • Vanilla ice cream makes me poop. Chocolate ice cream never does!

This is perhaps her most subtle and nuanced tweet. Vanilla ice cream obviously stands for the racism of the white  man. And why wouldn’t the racism of the white man make you poop. Poop in disgust! Chocolate ice cream obviously stands for the peace loving victims of color in America. She doesn’t poop at the thought of them. Again, I wouldn’t expect my readers not living in Manhattan to get the nuance of this cleverly nuanced tweet.

And there you have it readers. I found the claim that her tweets were racist totally without merit. And I believe my opinion is the correct one. I live in Manhattan you know. I’m nuanced.



Mr. Peanut Grows to Seventy Five Feet and Goes on Rampage!

Suck it humans!









The beloved peanut known as Mr. Peanut shocked the world today when he grew to 75 feet tall and went on a rampage, destroying a town, ripping up interstates, killing innocent men, women and children and causing over 30 million in property damage.

“I was sitting in my back yard sipping a beer when it all started” said one shocked local.

I heard a lot of screaming and people were shouting, “It’s the end of the world!’ and “The Abomination of Desolation!” At first I thought they might have been talking about Miley Cyrus but then I looked up and saw a 75-foot peanut with no pants and wearing a monocle. Look I’m a fairly tolerant person but I will not tolerate someone with a monocle around my children. So I yelled at him, “Hey you with the monocle. Have you no shame?  There are children around here.” That’s when he bent over and shit all over my house. Ruined the car, flooded everything. My wife was inside the house. I haven’t seen her since. On retrospect perhaps it was a mistake to challenge a 75-foot anthropomorphic talking peanut.

After defecating on the monocle-hating man’s house Mr. Peanut continued his arc of destruction, walking down Main Street and using his walking stick to crush humans like bugs.

“Get out of my way humans! I’m Mr. Peanut and I’m tired of your shit” said the formerly beloved peanut.

Fearing the complete breakdown of civil society the governor called in the national guard and tasked them with stopping the peanut menace.

“How does this happen in America in 2018” said the governor.

Mr. Peanut is clearly an assault peanut. As part of my reelection campaign I am calling for complete peanut control. All talking anthropomorphic peanuts must be registered. Unregistered talking peanuts, giant or otherwise, shall be fined. I am also proposing so-called “Safe” laws. All peanuts must be locked in safes when not being used. Even the non-anthropomorphic ones.

The governor’s proposal was greeted with approbation by the media with CNN calling it “The greatest thing to happen to America since the Emancipation Proclamation.”

After destroying three more town and with the national guard ineffective the President authorized the governor to use nuclear weapons to stop the 75-foot monocle-wearing anthropomorphic talking peanut menace.

The weapon was used, creating a swath of destruction across the community and killing 100,000 residents. While this angered some, most were happy that the large, talking peanut would never terrorize them again.

As to Mr.  Peanut’s motives, since he is dead they will remain a mystery, although many feel that the racism of white people was responsible.

“If there is one thing white people hate it is blacks and 75-foot anthropomorphic peanuts” said a reporter for MSNBC.

“Okay technically that’s two but the point remains. Oh wait I forgot about redistribution of wealth. So that’s three things white people hate: Blacks, 75-foot anthropomorphic peanuts and socialism.”


My Exclusive Interview with Pope Francis

I”m a very serious man







Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than the successor to St. Peter and the current bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Francis.

MI: Good afternoon your Holiness.

PF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s start out by asking you about the death penalty.

PF: Yes, yes, the death penalty.  Very serious. An attack on human dignity.  Inadmissible under any circumstance.

MI: Any circumstance?

PF: ANY circumstance!

MI:But wasn’t Jesus put to death?  I mean without the death penalty there would be no Christianity. 











MI: Your Holiness?

PF: Okay. Under certain circumstances I guess the death penalty is still admissible.

MI: Like murder?

PF: Absolutely not. Even a murderer has a spark of the divine in him.

MI: A spark of the divine?

PF: Yes.

MIAre you sure you don’t know Nancy Pelosi?

PFNo. I try to stay out of politics.

MI: I see.


MI: What?

PF: We must have open borders!  It’s what Jesus would have wanted.

MI: But isn’t Vatican City surrounded by a wall? 

Is it getting warm in here?









MI: Your Holiness?

PF:  Back to the death penalty.  It can be admissible under certain limited circumstances.

MI: Double murderer?

PF: No. Spark of the divine.

MI: Triple murderer?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: Serial killer?

PF: Again, even a serial killer has the spark of the divine in them.

MI: Someone who double parks?


MI: What?

PF: Do you know how hard it is to get a parking spot in the Vatican?  I was driving around for hours while all the pain in the ass tourists were snapping photos and shouting “It’s the Pope!” I know I’m the Pope!  Well I finally see what might be a parking spot and I pull up but some bastard was double parked in it. I called the Vatican police and said “Hey, I was going to park my Popemobile here but this son of a bitch is double parked!”  Do you know what they did?

MI: They gave him a ticket?

PF: No. They gave me a ticket! Said my registration had expired. One of the cops even smashed my windshield and said “Nice Popemobile you  have here. Shame if something were to happen to it.”

MI: I can see how that would be upsetting.

PF: I excommunicated  him. Bastard. Cops like that deserve the death penalty too!  That’s admissible. You can quote me on that.

MI: I believe I will. Anyway that’s about all the time we have. Is there any thing you want to say to my readers?

PF: Catholics who use too large a climate footprint are responsible for climate change. And climate change is a mortal sin. That and double parking. I, Pope Francis, have just promulgated this. 

MI: What about Cardinals who sleep with their seminarians?

PF: Spark of the divine.

MI: I see.

And so ended my interview with His Holiness Pope Francis. You know I should have told him that was my car that was double parked. But perhaps it’s best he didn’t know.