Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Life is Short and Brutish and Always Carry a Shovel Edition)

Horoscope not legally binding









After a week of sex scandal news and posts we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ believe it’s time to take a step back with a lighter post. And so presented for your approval is the daily horoscope. (Horoscope not valid where prohibited by law.)

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s not easy changing other people’s perceptions. Give them the facts and let them make up their own minds. But who are we kidding. That won’t work. People are stupid irrational animals. So just stay on your couch drinking beer. Lock the door too because your attempt to change other people’s perceptions has angered the neighborhood.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone you work or do business with needs your assistance and you know if you don’t give it they could be in serious trouble. Then again it’s not your problem.  Tell them to find someone else to get rid of the bodies in his crawlspace. Look we all have tempers but it’s not necessary to kill everybody who says Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar. Just kill a few. The others will learn to keep quiet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A friend is doing everything in their power to get you to agree to join them in some sort of venture. But like the Pisces who refused to help his neighbor with his crawlspace it’s not your problem if your friend impregnated the babysitter. You know nothing. You heard nothing. Those gunshots?  Not your problem.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Listen to your inner voice and do what it tells you, even if friends and family and work colleagues are screaming at you to do something different. What do they know about true love? Your inner voice says marry your dog. Your friends and family cannot accept the reality of interspecies love. Not your problem pal. Just check the laws in your State first to see if interspecies marriage is allowed. At this point I believe it’s just California. Possibly New Hampshire.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

What looks like a serious problem at the moment will look completely different once the Oxycontin takes effect, so stay calm and don’t make any sudden moves. Especially since the police know you married your dog and have your house surrounded. They call you a pervert but you’re just misunderstood. You do have a sexy dog. Hey, I’ve thought about it myself. But then again I’m not a complete idiot like you are.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

An issue you thought had been dealt with months ago will make an unwelcome reappearance over the next few days. You should have buried the hooker deeper in your back yard.  Or was it the babysitter your impregnated?  Probably doesn’t matter at this point. I bet you could use the Gemini’s Oxycontin right now.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

No matter how exciting a work colleague makes a new project sound you must not take on any more duties or responsibilities. Especially if it involves helping him bury a dead body deep in his back yard. He’ll probably screw it up and the rotting flesh will come up to the surface even if you help because no one ever listens to you. I mean you’re a freaking Leo for god’s sake.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are not the sort to give in to threats but it might be wise to bend a little this time. After all your neighbor has a shotgun, a shovel and a bag that may or may not contain a body. Help him! Unless he’s a Leo. Leo bastard probably would wet his pants if he fired a shotgun anyway. So just ignore him. On second thought film him burying the body and use the tape to blackmail him. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Mercury in your sign links with Uranus, planet of changes, this week and what that suggests is you need to go back and take another look at a decision you made a few weeks ago. Sure she was hot but that burning in your genitals?  Might be VD. Get it checked. Remember, every time you have sex you’re not just having sex with them but every person they’ve had sex with. And who can afford to buy that many people dinner?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Someone who knows how easy it is to play on your feelings will try to upset you this week but you must not let them get under your skin. Unless they have footage of you burying a body in your back yard. In which case you should give them the money they want. Or sand down your fingerprints, get a fake social security number and move to another state.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

Be honest with others about what it is you hope to achieve, both in your work and in your private life, even though you know they probably won’t agree with you. Though I honestly don’t know why they wouldn’t agree with you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t hear her say the safe word. (Who knew leather masks could muffle voices so much). It’s not your fault! I mean what’s a little rough sex between consenting adults. Pro tip: Ask a Cancer for advice on the best way to bury a body.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 19)

You seem to be out of favor with someone on the work front at the moment but don’t let it worry you. You’re a Capricorn after all. And no one likes Capricorns. Seriously. You have no social skills and probably spend your spare time writing a stupid blog or something. You’ve probably never even known the touch of a woman. Consensually I mean. And give that Cancer his damn shovel back. A Sagittarius needs it.


Hollywood to Make Biopic of Harvey Weinstein; Hugh Jackman to Play Title Role!

The true story shall be told!








With the downfall of Harvey Weinstein still fresh, it has been learned that a major studio in Hollywood is preparing a biography of Weinstein.

“We have to strike when the actress is hot as we like to say” said a famous producer.

The story has everything: Name recognition. Power. Glamour. Sex. Scandal. Jews. We’re going to do what Hollywood does best:  Tell the truth. Unless our lawyers tell us otherwise. Then we’ll make some stuff up.

The biopic will be a story of the rise, fall and redemption of Harvey Weinstein.

The first half will cover his rise and fall and the last half will be about his redemption. Naturally no one knows how the story will end so we hired some of Hollywood’s best screenwriters to write several scenarios for the ending. We’ll test them with audiences and use the one that seems most plausible. Or the one that attacks Trump and the people who voted for him. Probably the one that attacks Trump and those who voted for him.

Among the scenarios for the ending the one that seems to gaining the most ground is where Weinstein, freshly back from sex rehab, produces an uplifting biography of Roman Polanski entitled “Bathtub of Innocence.”

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have obtained a portion of the script which we now present:

Weinstein, wearing the robes of a monk, talks to George Clooney about his downfall, changing tastes and the movie he is making.

HW:  I tell you George I don’t understand the world.  Sure I was a sleazeball sexual harasser but I always gave money to the Democrats and Planned Parenthood. I’m very pro-abortion. That used to be a get-out-of-jail-free card for any sexual misconduct. Women love when you do that and will forgive you anything. 

GC:  You’re a victim my friend. A victim of the Republicans and their war on women. I am ashamed of this deeply racist and misogynistic country. How could America reject Hillary Clinton for Donald Trump?

HW: George, it’s not for us to question the wisdom of the voters.

GC:  You are so correct Harvey. I sometimes forget we are merely entertainers, not the conscience of America. So tell me about Bathtub of Innocence.

HW: The whole movie is about Roman Polanski and his attempts to clear his name after being accused of statutory rape. I mean it wasn’t rape, rape. All he did was ask her into his bathtub so he could perform anal sex.

GC: America is so puritanical.

HW:  Trump!

GC:  I am disgusted!

Australian Heartthrob Hugh Jackman has been signed to play Weinstein.

“I am delighted to have this role” said Jackman.

I’ve known Harvey for years and am disgusted by the way puritanical, racist, misogynistic America has blackened his name. I will bring humanity to the character of Weinstein and look forward to raping all those actresses. Um. On camera I mean. Um. On camera for the movie I mean.

The film, entitled “Casting Couch of Innocence” is due for release in 2019.


Matt Damon: Ben Affleck Groped Me!

No one gropes me but the producers of my movies!







Hollywood’s burgeoning sex scandal involving Harvey Weinstein has enmeshed another celebrity as Matt Damon went gone on record saying that Ben Affleck “groped me and has engaged in inappropriate behavior” going back two decades.

“I was young and wanted a film career” said Damon.

I knew Ben casually from around town. I knew he was a writer, director and producer. A handsome man with hair that some say might be a toupee. Anyway he invited me to his place. When I showed up he was in a bathing suit and said “Do you want to get all wet?”  I immediately wanted to get out of there but I had my career to think about. Then he handed me a bathing suit. I put it on and he said that I looked good with my shirt off.  We swam in his pool. Then I left, went home and cried.

It was not Affleck’s last inappropriate contact with Damon.

He grabbed my ass! A few years later I was at a Golden Globes after party and Affleck walked right up to me and put his arm around my shoulder for a photo op. Well that’s normal but then I felt his arm slide down. It wasn’t quite on my ass but it was on the ass demilitarized zone on my lower back. I tensed up and thought “Oh god here we go again.”  I mean no one gets to touch my ass unless they are producing my movie. I have morals you know!

Things only got worse after Affleck was signed to play Batman.

He kept calling me in the middle of the night and saying “I’m Batman!”  It was really annoying. I felt violated. My safe space was a safe space no more. Then my beloved wife, who is the only person besides Hollywood producers I let touch my ass, said I should go over to his place and confront him. When I got there he was dressed as Batman. 

Look at my nipples!








 “Do you like how this suit accentuates my nipples?” he asked me.  “I got it from Clooney.” Then he asked me how much I weighed and put his arm around me. Next think I know we are rappelling to the ceiling using some sort of Bat toy. Again the hand while not technically on my ass was in the ass demilitarized zone. No one but a producer, and my wife, get to touch me there. I guess I wouldn’t mind if I could be sure that was Affleck’s real hair. Looks like a weave or something. I knew then that I had to go public with my concerns.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Ben Aflleck acknowledged his conduct and has asked for forgiveness.

“I have behaved in the past inappropriately towards Matt Damon. I apologize for my actions.  Good. That ought to hold the little bitch. What? The microphone is still on?  Goddamn it! I haven’t been so angry since the time I grabbed Mark Wahlberg’s ass by mistake. I thought it was Damon’s!”


Flirting 101 with Harvey Weinstein

I know what girls want. Girls want me!







From time to time at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I turn my pages over to a guest columnist. I am honored to have Hollywood heavyweight Harvey Weinstein who will talk about proper etiquette when flirting with the ladies, a subject I know many of us want to know more about.  Take it away Harvey!

Thank you Manhattan Infidel. As a sophisticated world traveler I pride myself on a few things: My ability with languages, my knowledge of fine wines and local customs and of course, how to flirt with ladies all over the world.

How does one get as many ladies as I have?  How does one achieve such success?

There are three easy steps I follow that I believe will dramatically increase your luck with the ladies.  They are as follows:

  1. Always wear a bathrobe.  Sounds simple right?  It worked for Hef for so many years. Yet men often forget about this simple trick. A bathrobe creates a sense of intimacy, yet also a sense of mystery.  Why am I wearing a bathrobe in the middle of the day? What do I have under my bathrobe? Is that a pile of cocaine on the coffee table behind me? If you smoke a pipe feel free to use it while wearing a bathrobe to add an air of sophistication.
  2. Masturbation, masturbation, masturbation! Many men hesitate to use this time-honored way of breaking the ice when meeting the ladies.  When I meet an attractive young lady for the first time I often take my penis out and gratify myself in front of them.  You should see the looks on their faces. They seem intrigued by my actions. It is a well-known fact that attractive young women enjoy watching older, overweight men pleasure themselves. It makes them feel safe. And a women who feels safe around you will be more likely to let you do step three:
  3. Grab them by the back of their neck and force your penis into their mouth! Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Do I really have to say it? This flirting technique never fails. Don’t be shy about it. Just grab them and force your member down their throat. They may protest but it’s simply for show. All young, attractive women secretly love it when an overweight, much older man who hasn’t showered in days forces his penis into their mouth. It lets them know that I am confident. And confidence is sexy. If you can arrange it climax on their face. Man juice is love juice.  Then give them a moist towelette to clean themselves up (manners are sexy too), fifty dollars and usher them out the door. Shows over honey.

Yes. Just follow these three easy steps and you too can be successful as I am with the ladies. And call now and get my DVD “Bathrobe, masturbation and forced fellatio” for only $19.95.  Fifty percent of all proceeds go to the Democratic National Committee.

Together we can fight the Republican war on women!

Thank you.

Um.  Thank you Harvey. I have to admit I have not followed these steps. I guess I’m just not that sophisticated.


Eve: Adam Groped Me!

Come on Eve, just one massage!











Eve shocked many in the Garden of Eden today when she accused her domestic partner, Adam, of inappropriate conduct.

“First he asked me to his hotel room” she said.

I shouldn’t have gone up but hey, I was young and naive. So he greets me at the door wearing nothing but a fig leaf. Hello?  I didn’t get a masters in Intersectional Feminist Theory just so a powerful white man can greet me in a fig leaf. I’m all about intersections. I’m a very liberated, intersectional woman. But anyway back to Adam. He then invites me in and says “How about taking a peak under my fig leaf. You know you want to.” I mumbled some excuse and got out of there as quickly as I could.

Crushed and defeated by Adam’s actions the dejected Eve went straight to her safe place, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Trees always make me feel safe. They welcome me.  So I sat down and had a good cry. Then the serpent came out and offered me some fruit. I was happy that he cared about me enough to offer me food and not ask me to peek under his fig leaf. Serpents are more trustworthy than white men.

It was after eating the fruit that God paid a visit and banished Adam and Eve.

As if my day couldn’t get any worse. First a white man wants me to give him a massage and peak under his fig leaf. Then God, another powerful white man, banishes the two of us from our home. Why?  Because I ate fruit? Is that it? He doesn’t want me to eat healthy? Does he want me to eat processed foods from kill farms?

Before being formally ejected from the Garden of Eden Eve had a chance to defend herself before God.

I told him “Look, it’s not my fault. This guy you set me up with is a real jerk. I don’t care if he is the first man on Earth I don’t want to look under his fig leaf. He’s a serial harasser.”

As if to prove her point Adam interrupted the hearing to masturbate in front of Eve.

“Just stand there and shut up. Don’t say nuttin” he told her.

I got powerful friends. I can help you. Capish? Come on baby, don’t be that way. Just touch it once for Adam’s sake.

God however did not punish Adam for his actions, further exasperating Eve.

What did I tell you?  Powerful white men always protect powerful white men. That’s the way it is. And it will always be that way until women like me stand up and say “I won’t take this anymore!”

Eve then announced her separation from Adam and said she plans on pursuing an acting career in Hollywood.

“I know it will be different in Hollywood. I mean if you can’t trust a producer who can you trust?”


Swedish Chef Exposed as Mastermind Behind Meth Empire!

Verdy verdy verdy do you want to cook?









Popular television personality The Swedish Chef has been charged with running a meth empire and personally killing or ordering the deaths of several associates and/or rivals in his underworld business.

According to agents with the Drug Enforcement Administration The Swedish Chef had been making, or “cooking” meth for almost five years to supplement his TV income. He had also recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and many speculate that the Chef wanted to leave his wife with as much money as possible.

“We’ve been looking for this bastard for years” said the DEA agent in charge of the investigation.

All we knew was that he ran the largest meth operation in the southwest and was known as “Heisenberg.”  But we didn’t know exactly who this mysterious Heisenberg was. You can imagine how surprised we were when we found out it was The Swedish Chef. Hell my wife watches his show. He seemed so lovable and sweet. I never in a million years would have guessed he was a cold-blooded killer.

Using his cooking skills and knowledge of chemistry The Swedish Chef soon was producing the most lethal methamphetamine around. Local dealers busted as part of the investigation tell of The Swedish Chef constantly using the phrase “Verdy verdy verdy do you want to a cook?” in his trademark Swedish accent.

“We made a lot of money and I was happy at first” said one of the Swedish Chef’s cooking partners, Beaker (pictured here).

Beaker makes meth

But eventually as we got deeper and deeper into the business and I saw how it was changing him from the Chef I idolized into a cold-blooded killer I knew I had to do something. He changed. Hell he murdered my girlfriend.  Watched her choke to death on her own vomit. He could have helped her but he let her die. The son of a bitch let her die! That’s when I contacted the DEA and agreed to work with them. Anything to get this bastard.

One Beaker began working with the DEA things moved quickly. A sting was set up and Beaker arranged a meeting with The Swedish Chef out in the desert at their favorite cooking spot.

Surrounded by DEA agents The Swedish Chef was about to give himself up when a shootout left the DEA agents dead. He then was able to escape and hasn’t been seen since.

Charged with the murder of a Federal agent a massive manhunt was started for The Swedish Chef and his television show was cancelled, replaced by a self help show about the proper use of knives hosted by O.J. Simpson.

“We’ll find him eventually” said a DEA administrator.

“He killed one of our own. He has nowhere to hide, unless it’s in a cabin in New Hampshire.”


My Exclusive Interview with Harvey Weinstein

Just stand there and watch me pleasure myself








Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Hollywood mover and shaker Harvey Weinstein.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Weinstein.

HW: Cunt!

MI: What?

HW: Sorry. Force of habit.

MI: Okay. Let’s talk about the recent allegations against you.

HW: Is this about the murders?

MI: Um. No.

HW: Okay then forget I mentioned that.

MI: No I was referring to the allegations of sexual harassment that have recently come to light.

HW: In my defense let me say that I came of age in the 1970s. Times were different then. There were no rules. Back then you could expose yourself to a woman you’ve never met before and masturbate in front of her. When did we become such prudes?

MI:I think there’s more to it than simply being a prude. Pleasuring yourself in front of a woman who doesn’t consent is rude.

HW: Rude? Come on! That’s not rude. Now when I grabbed them and forced my penis into their mouth that might be rude. I don’t think so however. The forced anal sex?  You could possibly say that was rude. I don’t think so. Photographing them as they fellate me and then showing the photos to other people just to humiliate the actresses? No. Not rude. Just normal behavior among my kind.

MI: Your kind?

HW: Super donors to the Democratic party.

MI: What?

HW: I’ve given millions to the Democratic party. I’m pro-abortion. That means when I masturbate in front of a woman or force her to fellate me it’s all good. My abortion rights stance means I’m very pro-woman.

MI: I don’t think that’s how it works.

HW: Yes. It’s how it works.

[Matt Damon enters]  

Leave Harvey Weinstein alone!










MD: Leave Harvey alone!  Leave Harvey alone!

[Damon kicks Manhattan Infidel in the shins and leaves]

MI: What the hell was that?

HW: My friends in Hollywood will protect me. We Hollywoodians are well-known for our loyalty to each other. You see I am untouchable.

MI: But you’ve just been fired!

HW: That’s for public relations only. The studio has to protect itself from the hicks and rubes who inhabit America. You know – the puritans who are anti-abortion and have never masturbated in front of a woman they’ve never met before.

MI: I see.

[Bill Clinton enters]  

I love pizza parties!








BC: Harvey we’re late for the…… party.

HW: Pizza!

BC: Yes we’re going to have lots of fresh, underage……pizza.

HW: I can’t wait to masturbate in front of the fresh, underage…….pizza!

BC: [Pointing to Manhattan Infidel] Who is this?

HW: He’s not one of us. He’s one of those puritanical rubes who inhabit America. He’s never masturbated in front of a woman he’s never met before.

MI: Well not since they cleaned up Times Square.

HW & BC: We’re off to get some fresh, underage…….pizza.

I guess Harvey Weinstein is right.  I am a puritanical rube.  I like pizza but I would never eat pizza without consent.


Wiccan Killed by White Girl!

A horrible crime!








An eastern Wiccan, often referred to by intolerant, religiously fanatical Republicans as “The Wicked Witch of the East” was killed today by a white girl whose house fell on the innocent Wiccan.

“This white girl just done and put her house right down on her” said a munchkin who witnessed the incident.

The Wiccan of the east was just minding her own business, chilling in the ‘hood when this house, a white house mind you, came right down and crushed her. Then this white chick got out the house like killing us was no big deal. Don’t no one care about us munchkins.  The white girl probably won’t even go to jail. White folk get away with murder. Literally in this case. Me and some of the brothers are going to protest. White folk have declared war on us munchkins and are killing us. Munchkin lives matter!

The white girl in question, known as Dorothy (pictured here)

The face of white privilege!









has denied any premeditated wrongdoing and has used climate change as a defense in an obvious attempt to garner sympathy.

“There was this tornado” said Dorothy.

A large one like I’ve never seen before. It just picked the house up and carried us to this place where it set us down. It wasn’t my fault. I had no intention of killing a Wiccan. Wiccans are peaceful people and use their powers to fight for social justice and to defeat the patriarchy. I tell you I did not believe in the settled science of climate change before but I do now. I know we must lower our carbon footprint or there will be more tornadoes and more tragic accidents like this. I ask the munchkin community to forgive me. I am also donating money to the NAAMP, the National Association for the Advancement of Munchkin Peoples.

As pressure mounts on President Trump to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate whether the death of the eastern Wiccan was a hate crime, Emerald City prepares for a night of rioting.

“I’ve asked my officers to use restraint and as long as the rioting is limited to destroying property not to arrest any munchkins”  said Emerald’s police chief.

We have to cut the munchkins some slack and let them get the rioting out of their systems. As a white male I am cognizant of the crimes of my race against munchkins in the past. I feel it is time to open a dialogue and talk about issues between the munchkin community and those of us in privileged positions.

As for Dorothy, taking advantage of her white privilege she has left the land of Oz to avoid prosecution.

“This is so typical of those people” said an Emerald City community organizer.

“She killed our Wiccan and then stole her slippers. White people can’t be trusted.”


Radicalized Fat Albert Kills Mushmouth and Dumb Donald!

I resent your thin privilege!








North Philadelphia remains in shock as local kid Fat Albert, recently radicalized, brutally murdered two of his closest friends, identified as Mushmouth and Dumb Donald (pictured here).

Victims of fat rage!







“We don’t know what happened” said Fat Albert’s brother.

He must have just snapped. He’s just a regular neighborhood kid in a junkyard band. He has no religious or political affiliations. I’m just shocked. I didn’t see this coming. Well he did sit on our dog and killed it. But I thought it was just an accident. Perhaps it was a sign of things to come.

However unbeknownst to Fat Albert’s circle he had become resentful of so-called “thin privilege” and had started frequenting radical fat websites which landed him on a Homeland Security watch list.

“This is pretty typical” said an FBI profiler when asked about Fat Albert.

People who recruit for radical organizations like the anti-thin groups look for people like Fat Albert. Those with no belief system to speak of. Probably from broken homes.  They are looking for something to believe in and belong to. That’s where they come in. They exploit the recruit’s desire to belong. The radical groups become their family and belief system.

Indeed friends say that they had recently noticed a change in Fat Albert’s behavior.

“I never thought twice about calling him Fat Albert” said Weird Harold (pictured here).

Fat Albert was fat!

His name was Albert and he was fat. Simple right? But the last time I saw him I said “Hey Fat Albert!” Do you know what he said to me?  He said that thin privilege is racism and that my kind must pay for keeping his kind down. I thought what the hell?  Is he Hispanic? He then threatened me and said “Hey, hey hey. I’m big boned and you shall not body shame me any longer.” I figured he was just cranky because he hadn’t eaten.

Fat Albert was also recently seen in the neighborhood with strangers of thin extraction.

We didn’t trust these thin interlopers” said a resident.

They should stay with their own kind. I knew they were up to no good. Always talking about “thin social justice” and and wearing t shirts of William Howard Taft, who they called “The fat brother of fat brothers.” The whole damn group was shifty. Even more so than the Irish and we all know about them!

No matter how his radicalization happened, Fat Albert approached Mushmouth and Dumb Donald this morning, telling them that they had to pay for “the sin of thinness.”

He then proceeded to sit on the duo, literally squeezing the life out of them.

“The cause of death was asphyxiation” said the medical examiner.  “The poor thin bastards never stood a chance.”

Fat Albert has been charged with two counts of murder in the second degree, though Albert hopes the justice system will take into account his long history of oppression at the hands of thin people.

“Thin people have been oppressing his kind since the days of Twiggy” said his lawyer.


My Exclusive Interview with Jimmy Kimmel

My tears flow freely











Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rising star in the Democratic Party. Indeed many consider him the heart, soul and conscience of the Party. I am referring to former comedian and late night host Jimmy Kimmel.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Kimmel.

JK: [Pause]  Tears. My tears flow freely.  Flowing tears of tear flowing.

MI: I’m sorry. I’m very gassy.

JK: Pain. Flowing tears.

MI: I blame my diet.

JK: No. My tears flow for the 58 killed in Las Vegas.

MI: Yes that was a tragic event.

JK: Republicans have blood on their hands.

MI: What?

JK: Those 58 are dead because Republicans will not abolish the second amendment. All guns need to be banned. America is a violent, racist country. The most violent and racist country on the face of the Earth.

MI: More violent than Mexico?

JK: [Pause] Tears. Flowing freely. Gun control. It will bring about paradise on Earth. Bump stock. Automatic weapon. Tears.

MI: What about the 60 who get killed every month in Chicago by gunfire? Will you shed tears for them?

JK: No. That’s a stupid question. Chicago is a Democratic city.

MI: So your tears are selective?

JK: How dare you say that.  [Pause.]  Tears.  Flowing.

MI: You say you want to ban the second amendment yet you have an armed security team. Why is your life more important than mine?

JK: Well I’m on television. And rich and white.

MI:  What?

JK:[Pause] Tears flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

[Former Speaker of the House John Boehner arrives]

Tears flowing freely. What can I do for the Democrats?







JB:  I heard someone crying. May I join?

JK: Tears flowing freely.

JB:  What for?

JK: Victims of Gun violence except in Chicago.

[Boehner starts weeping uncontrollably]

JB: As a member of the Republican branch of the Democratic party what can I do to help?

JK: Repeal the second amendment and confiscate all guns.

JB: Does this include my private security detail?

JK: No.

JB: Tears. Tears flowing freely for victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Guys can you both stop crying for a second. I have some more questions.

[Tammy Faye Bakker arrives] 

Can I cry with you?












TFB: I hear crying.  Can I join the two of you?

JK & JB: Sure. Our tears are flowing freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

TFB:  I don’t care what your reasons are. I just want to cry with you.

JK, JB &TFB: Our tears mingle freely for the victims of gun violence except in Chicago.

MI: Okay well I see I’m not going to accomplish much with this interview so I’ll –

[Jim Bakker arrives] 

I’m cry-yi-yi-ing over you!











JimB: Please, please let me cry with you.

JK & JB: You are more than welcome. We are crying over the victims of gun violence.

TFB: Outside of Chicago.

JK & JB: Repeal the second amendment and ban guns.

JimB: As long as it doesn’t affect my private security detail. I’m all in.

[All four cry together]

MI: Come on people. The calcium from all your tears is staining my suit.

[Jimmy Swaggart enters] 

I have sinned against the Lord!








JS: Oh please. You call that crying?  I’ll show you crying.

[Swaggart starts crying]

JS: I have sinned against the Lord, Manhattan Infidel.

JK, JB, TFB & JimB: Come join us as we shed tears for victims of gun violence except in Chicago. Help us ban all guns.

JS: Will this affect my private security detail?

MI:That does it. I’m out of here.

I was lucky to get out from under all those tears without drowning. I’m just lucky Anthony Weiner didn’t show up. Does anyone know a good dry cleaner that can remove calcium stains from my suit?