15 Jun 18

Energizer Bunny Tests Positive for Cocaine!

I need to score man!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Energizer Bunny, popular mascot for Energizer batteries, has tested positive for cocaine, ending what had been a legendary career in mascot circles.

“Energizer has severed all ties with the Energizer Bunny” said the Energizer Company in an official statement.

We are deeply saddened by these events and wish to state that the Energizer Company in no way condones the Bunny’s behavior or drug abuse in general. While we thank the Energizer Bunny for his corporate services over the years we must part ways. We met with the Energizer Bunny and his representatives earlier today and he fully understands and accepts our decision. This has been a painful day for all of us and we send our hopes and prayers to the Bunny and wish him luck overcoming his addiction.

Despite the statement that the Energizer Bunny “understands and accepts” the decision to fire him there are doubts that he has adjusted to life as an ex mascot.

Leaving Energizer corporate headquarters after being fired, the Bunny, wearing his trademark black sunglasses was in no mood to speak to waiting reporters.

“I got nothing to f*cking say” he shouted while giving the press the finger.

Do you understand you vultures. I got nothing to say. I don’t deserve this treatment. I gave my life to Energizer. And they treat me like this? Sure I’ve made mistakes. I’m just a rabbit after all. I’m fallible. I need excitement and a fix now and then. But my private life is my private life and it never affected me professionally. You know what?  Screw Energizer. Screw corporate America. I’m voting for Bernie Sanders. Bring down all the c*cksuckers in the capitalist system. Workers and bunnies of the world unite!

Despite the Energizer Bunny’s insistence that his cocaine problem did not affect his on air performance, those behind the scenes tell a different tale.

“He kept messing it up” said the director of his last commercial.

I mean all he had to do was beat that damn bass drum. He couldn’t do even that. He was sweating profusely and beating the drum so hard he punched a hole in it. We had to use 12 different drums. He destroyed them all. Then he started humping the leg of the P.A. and saying “Daddy needs some action.” We had to hush the whole thing up and shut down production. We ended up using outtakes from his earlier commercials. I’ve dealt with addicted actors before but I’ve never seen anyone this deep in the throes of addiction. Except for Charlie Sheen of course.

As to who will replace the Energizer Bunny, Energizer says they have already inked a deal with David Crosby (pictured here).

Energizer’s new spokesman

 

 

 

 

 

 

“David has been an American Icon for over 50 years” said an Energizer spokesman.

“He’s very well known and there has never been a hint of scandal or drug abuse in his past. What?  Ah crap.”

(9)

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14 Jun 18

FBI Releases New Gun Protocol Policy!

Whoops!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks ago an FBI agent did a back flip on a dance floor in Denver. His gun came out and discharged, shooting a man in the leg.

Since the much-publicized incident top FBI officials have been working around the clock protecting us from the Russians by spying on Presidential candidates to write a new gun protocol and safety policy.

Using my skills as a journalist So honey you come here often? Do you like older men? Would you like to touch it? I have obtained the new policy which I now give to my loyal readers.

FBI Official Gun Protocol Policy (For Internal Use Only – Not For ATF Consumption Though We Do Admire Their Spunk in Burning all Those Women and Children to Death at Waco)

We at the FBI take gun safety very seriously. Almost as seriously as spying on Republican Presidential candidates and preventing the will of the people from being enforced. Recently an off-duty agent discharged his gun, shooting an American citizen. Fortunately the citizen shot was a Republican.

To ensure that all agents are safe we now present the following new rules that they must follow. (Except of course when spying on Republican presidential candidates.)

  • All agents must take the following introductory gun safety courses.  Attendance is mandatory (unless agents are assigned to spying on Republican presidential candidates).
  1. The safety is your friend
  2. No seriously always have your safety on
  3. For the last time please use your safety
  4. I know putting your gun in the back of your pants looks cool and all that but seriously don’t do it. The gun might fall out and shoot someone (who may not even be a Republican or a Christian)
  • Once these four introductory courses have been take agents (unless you are on assignment spying on Republicans, any Republicans because they don’t really have to be Presidential candidates we just like spying on those anti-deep state bastards) must take the following intermediate level courses.
  1. So you’ve just accidentally discharged your weapon. What now?
  2. How to tell Democrats from Republicans 
  3. The importance of not shooting Democrats
  4. Crap I’ve just shot a Democrat!
  • Once you have taken these intermediate course agents will then have the choice of taking these advanced level gun courses or spying on Republicans.
  1. How to destroy all evidence that you shot a Democrat by burning his house down
  2. Badly burned bodies can still be identified by dental records – How to remove teeth from a body before burning it
  3. Trouble removing the teeth?  How to cut off the head and dispose separately
  4. The death of one Democrat diminishes us all – How to retroactively change said dead person’s voter registration from Democrat to Republican

We here at the FBI hope that the following courses will improve gun safety with our field officers. And again, do not share this with agents from the ATF, though we think they changed their name to the ATFE just to confuse us the bastards. But props to them for burning to death all those women and children.

(10)

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13 Jun 18

Bullying Yankees Defeat Crying Nats!

“I like to think of whores like Russian collusion: I do it because I want to” ~ Babe Ruth, 1928

All that Russian collusion!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On an abnormally mild night in June in the Bronx the first place Yankees started their  homestand against the Washington Senators Montreal Expos Nationals.

The Yankees started Carsten Charles Sabathia (4-1 3.27) and the Nats countered with Tanner “No this is my real name not my porn name” Roark (3-7 3.63).

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the second when Sir Didi Gregorious, knighted citizen of The Netherlands  hit a home run to right centerfield.  Aaron “Not Judge” Hicks then walked and when to third on Neil Walker’s single. He then scored on Austine Romine’s (the Yankee catcher not hitting under .200) sacrifice fly.  2-0 Yankees after two innings.

In the bottom of the sixth Sir Didi homered a second time.  3-0 Yankees after six.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees entered the game with the best record in baseball. How much credit does new manager Aaron Boone get?  None in my opinion. They would have had that record even if Joe Girardi were the manager.

I liked Girardi and I wish the Yankees had retained him. I guess it’s true. Every manager gets a decade before they become ineffective. Casey Stengel was the unknown baseball genius who won five world series in a row when hired then only two the next seven years and when the Yankes got rid of him he was a clown and the Yankees had grown tired of his act. Joe Torre had the right relaxed personality to handle the Yankee circus and won 4 championships in his first five years. Then none after that. When the Yankees got rid of him he was passive Joe, sleeping in the dugout. Joe Girardi had the in-game management skills that Torre didn’t. But a decade later he was tense Joe who couldn’t communicate.

It is the annual HOPE week at the stadium. Today they honored teen girls victims of bullying and had them throw out the first pitch. Needless to say their pitches were awful.  I yelled “You suck! You throw like a girl!” They started crying and said I was bullying them. They later committed suicide.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The girls who threw out the first ball are a disgrace. They should blow their brains out” did not inspire anybody. I guess the Yankee crowd is just anti-bullying. I blame Putin.

Ironically the Yankees bullied Bryce Harper, hitting him twice. After the second hit by pitch he was taken from the game.

Reader  mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “Well – well the world must turn upon its axis, and all mankind turns with it, head or tails, and live and die, make love and pay our taxes, and as the veering wind shifts, shift our sails; the king commands us and the doctor quacks us, the priest instructs us and so our life exhales, a little breath, love, wine, ambition, fame, fighting, devotion, love – perhaps a name.”

Um. Are you high son?

C.H.E. of alligator-infested Florida writes, “Thus parents also are at times shortsighted; though watchful as the lynx they ne’er discover, the while the wicked world beholds delighted , Young Hopeful’s mistress or Miss Fanny’s lover, till some confounded escaped has blighted the plan of 20 years and all is over; and then the mother cries, the father swears and wonders why the devil he got heirs.”

You’re high too, aren’t you?

Confederate spy M.P.A. writes, “No more will I count over, link by link my chain of grief; no longer strive to find a half-forgetfulness in mountain wind blustering about my ears.” 

Is everyone high tonight?

Recommended reading material:  Waco: A Survivor’s Story by David Thibodeau.  Because the United States Government, like all totalitarian regimes, will not hesitate to kill you.

My record stands at 2-0 this year.  My next game is Thursday June 21st against the Seattle Mariners.

Go Yankees!

(11)

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12 Jun 18

Aging, Irrelevant, Out of Work, Drunk, Incontinent and Possibly Senile Old Man Says “F” Word at Tony Award Ceremonies!

I peed my pants!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert De Niro, who hasn’t had an acting job or been nominated for an award in years stood on stage at the Tony Award Ceremony and bravely uttered “F*ck Trump” to a rousing standing ovation by the elite in attendance.

“I going to say one thing” said the Depends-wearing former in-demand actor. “It’s no longer ‘down with Trump.’ It’s ‘f— Trump!”

The producers of the Tony Awards were at first confused and considered cutting his mic.

“He wasn’t scheduled to talk at all” said one.

In fact the only reason we let him back stage was out of compassion. He seemed confused. He was wandering around muttering “I used to be important.” Whenever a young chorus girl would walk past him he’d put his hands down his pants and start pleasuring himself. I don’t have to tell you that in today’s hypersensitive #metoo climate that sort of behavior is frowned upon. We didn’t want any lawsuits so we gave him a button to push to distract him. He spent the next half hour playing with the button and giggling. Then we noticed that a trail of urine was running down his pants.  I said “Bobby! Did you pee your pants? What did we tell you?  Bad Bobby! Bad Bobby!” He just shrugged and said “Me pee pee.”  We had an intern clean him up and give him dry underwear and pants. I thought the crisis had passed.

Unfortunately it had only begun. Temporarily losing sight of the befuddled senior citizen no one noticed as he walked out on stage.

I saw him grab the mic and I thought “Oh Oh. This is trouble.” We were about to order the director to cut off his mic when De Niro started swearing. “F” this. “F” that. “F Trump.” Well once he started saying that we knew we had ratings gold! Swearing is edgy. Just ask any actor. So were were ‘Yeah, keep it up. That’s it!” And the fellow actors gave him a standing ovation. I tell you cursing is a sign of maturity and edginess. It’s a sign of resistance. I don’t have to tell you that the ratings for the Tonys are lower than Samantha Bee’s. All she had to do was call Trump’s daughter a “feckless c*nt” and he was renewed for two years. I’m hoping with all these “F” bombs to be renewed three years! I was wondering how we would top that when De Niro stuck his hand down his pants and started masturbating. “F” words and jacking off!  I have never been so proud to be a producer! 

The senile former actor was then led off stage to massive cheers by the best and brightest of America.

He was then given a chocolate bar while producers’ searched for his caregiver.

“I hope we find her soon.  We’re running out of candy bars and we don’t want him to start whacking it again. I mean if an actor is going to whack it backstage it had better be one of the teenagers I’m sleeping with not an old man.”

(9)

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11 Jun 18

Superman Transitions; To Become Super Z/She/He!

My penis is an impediment to true justice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beloved superhero from another world, Superman, announced today that he is beginning hormone replacement therapy and expects to transition to a new “gender fluid super hero identity” within the year.

“Being a super hero and saving people has given me a unique perspective on the world” said the former SuperMAN.

I came into contact with many people and cultures of divergent viewpoints. I came to realize that being so-called “male” had no impact on my mission. Much more I came to realize that my penis was actually an impediment to true social justice. I became ashamed of my penis and I knew that If I got rid of it I would be a better superhero. Not to mention my penis sometimes creates a dangerous aerodynamic drag when I’m flying. So I’m transitioning.

The former SuperMAN then went on to relate when he became “woke” to gender fluidity.

I had just come from a party at the Bat Cave and was flying over Detroit when I became troubled with a bout of indigestion. My bowels let loose a stream of liquid poop all over Detroit. Yeah, I shit on Detroit. Fortunately it was Detroit so it was hard to tell it had been shit on or I might have been fined. Don’t let Robin cook anything for you. I don’t think he’s washing his hands before he prepares the meal. Just saying. Anyway as a stream of liquid bowel movement splashed down upon Detroit I began to think that If my bowel movements were liquid why not my gender identity? I mean do the people I’m helping really care if I have a penis or a vagina or none or both? And I believe that being gender fluid will make me a more sensitive superhero. A better superhero. A more in-touch superhero. I look forward to being Earth’s first transsexual superhero.

When asked how his transition would affect his alter ego, reporter Clark Kent, the former SuperMAN could not give an answer.

I don’t know why everyone keeps saying I’m Clark Kent. We look nothing alike. I mean the man wears glasses and I don’t! So my transition will have no affect on this Clark Kent person whoever he is. I mean I admire his writing. And he’s a very good looking guy. But for the last time I am not him. Perhaps Clark Kent has another identity. I can’t speak to that. But it’s not me. Try Batman or Aquaman. But I am not Clark Kent. He defines himself by his external genitalia. And defining oneself by one’s external genitalia is so 20th century, don’t you think.

The new gender fluid superhero then asked his fans for vagina care tips.

“How do I take care of it? The whole thing is a mystery to me. It’s like the Bat Cave only without Robin’s crappy cooking. And apparently I will have no natural lubrication. Doe anyone know of any vaginal creams I can use? Clark Kent wants to know too. Not that he’s me.”

(5)

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8 Jun 18

Josie and the Pussycats Fire Their Tambourine Player!

We need more tambourine!

 

 

 

 

 

Popular, though some say stereotypical girl band, Josie and the Pussycats courted controversy today when they fired their only African-American member, bass player Valerie.

“Our manager called me into his office” said a distraught Valerie.

I thought maybe he wanted to talk to me about a business issue. I am the voice of reason in the group and am highly intellectual. But no. After some chit chat he says to me, “Valerie the girls have talked and they want you out.”  I was shocked and asked him why? I’m the best girl tambourine player their is. He just said that they have discussed it and want to go in another direction. When I asked what he meant he said “You know. Maybe hire a bassist.” I didn’t buy his explanation. Since when does a band need a bass player? And even if they wanted to hire a bass player why get rid of me? He said sorry but the decision has been made.  I told him to stop oppressing me and left his office.

While the move is controversial sources say it has been long in coming.

“Josie rubbed us the wrong way. She thought she was the leader and star of the band” said their long-time roadie Alan.

She was just a tambourine player. And she always wanted the bank to incorporate Mr. Tambourine Man into their repertoire. Dude that song sucks and it wouldn’t attract the key 14-18 year old demographic. And she was always pissing us off by going on and on about politics. 

Indeed it was Valerie’s growing radicalization that was responsible for her ouster.

“She started talking about Colin Kaepernick and how much she admired him” said guitarist Josie.

That was bad enough. But then she stopped shaving her legs, which was just gross. I told her to start shaving them again. “We’re a girl band for god’s sake. No one wants to see your hairy legs. The audience will blow chunks.”  You know what she said?  “Why should I, as a black woman, consent to shave my legs for the white man? The same white man who enslaved my ancestors. Black tambourine players’ lives matter!” I didn’t know what to say to that. I just avoided talking to her after that. As long as she showed up and played tambourine we tolerated her.

But then Valerie stopped playing tambourine and would only stand on stage with her fist in the air. She also wanted to lecture the audience on Angela Davis and the Black Panthers.

We were starting to lose our audience. People would get up and walk out and yell at us to “shut up and play.” Business is business and we made a corporate decision to let her go. I wish her the best of luck but we can’t have her in the band anymore.

With Valerie gone and now lacking a tambourine player the band has let it be known in trade circles that they are looking to hire a bass player.

“Geddy Lee said he was a fan and wouldn’t mind working with us” said Josie.

“He’s a good bass player but I don’t know about hiring a Canadian. You know how they are.”

(9)

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7 Jun 18

Sally Field Weighs in on C*ntGate

My c*nt defines me

 

 

 

 

 

 

As C*ntGate continues  to draw headlines across the world attention has been focused on the word c*nt itself.

Many progressive women have asked what is wrong with being called a c*nt. Specifically they wish to reclaim the word c*nt and bring back its original meaning as a symbol of empowerment.

Sally Field, best known as the Flying Nun and former paramour of Burt Reynolds has entered the fray and has asked for c*nts usage to increase.

“I like Samantha Bee a lot, but she is flat wrong to call Ivanka a c*nt,” said the aging formerly relevant star.

C*nts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest. My c*nt is very beautiful. Burt Reynolds said he’d rather spend a day with my c*nt than win an Academy Award. Imagine that! That tells you the power of the c*nt. And let’s not use watered-down phrases such as vagina, hoo-hah, tunnel of love, Dr. Scamper’s Emporium, Carpet Muncher’s Sugarwalls of Delight, Ralph Fienne’s badly burned accouterments or anything like that.  The time for euphemisms is over. We women are threatened as never before by the patriarchy.  They have taken our c*nts away from us! It is time we women stood up and said loudly and proudly “I am a c*nt!”

Miss Field then went on to talk about the reasons she feels so strongly about c*nts.

I believe men have twisted the word c*nt away from its original beautiful meaning to a perverse, shameful thing. It wasn’t always that way. I remember my father telling me many times when I was little “Sally you are such a c*nt.” He said that many times. Many, many, many times. And I grew to believe I was a c*nt. I thank my father for calling me that. He taught me very early not to be afraid of a c*nt. He taught me that I am a c*nt. Furthermore, we live in a world that has c*nts. And my c*nt, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the patriarchy, saves lives!  Conservatives can’t handle my c*nt!

Furthermore, Miss Field’s believes that only liberal, progressive women should be called c*nts.

I ask that all woman everywhere stand up in solidarity with other woman and shout “I am a c*nt. I have warmth and depth.” So let us all prove the patriarchy wrong when they defame us and say women cannot get along. All women deserve to be called c*nts. We are all in this together!  Except for conservative woman of course. They disgust me. They aren’t true women. Their c*nts are not true c*nts.

Miss Fields closed her “c*nterview” by announcing a reboot of the Flying Nun.

“It’ll be just like the original. Only I will be known as ‘Sister C*nt’ not Sister Bertrille. And I’ll be a member of the Convent of of San C*nto, not San Tanco. And Donald Trump is literally Hitler.”

(4)

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6 Jun 18

California Bans Water!

Water is #whiteprivilege

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not content with banning fire, California has voted to ban water in the state by 2030.

“For far too long California has used water to the detriment of the environment” declared its governor Jerry Brown.

We have wasted water on our lawns. We have wasted water on ourselves. We have wasted water in our toilets. We have wasted our most precious resource. No wait.  California’s most precious resource is kale. Water is our second most precious resource. No wait. I’m sorry. The Kardashians are our most precious resource. Kale is second. Water is third. Anyway with climate change our greatest threat we can stop climate change in our tracks by not using water. No wait. I’m sorry. Red state Americans, those deplorables, are California’s greatest threat. They just don’t share our values. After the deplorables is climate change. And our scientists assure us the best way to fight climate change is to not use water. Water heats the environment. This is science. Why do you think our deserts are so cool at night?  Obviously the lack of water. Therefore we are phasing out water. By 2030 California, the most progressive nation on Earth and its fifth largest economy shall be water free!

Beginning in 2025 Californians shall be restricted to 50 gallons a day. This shall be reduced every year until water is phased out in 2030.

“Do you really need water for a shower?” continued Governor Brown.

No you don’t. You can use juice or marinara sauce. Now how you’ll tie the marina sauce into your home’s plumbing system is not my concern. Just do it. Ditto with water for flushing toilets. Use the marina sauce. Or some chocolate. And don’t get me started on needing water for your lawn. You do not need grass. A lawn is white privilege. The peoples of color have no lawns. They don’t seem to mind and neither shall white people.

Having banned fire and now water, Governor Brown is confident that oxygen will be next.

It is a scientific fact that our atmosphere causes climate change. Oxygen is also a major cause of fire, which we have already banned. Once oxygen has been banned from California we will have the world’s only 100 percent anti-climate change environment. People will flock to our state just to feel good about themselves. Tourism shall increase and the world’s fifth largest economy will only increase. California shall be paradise on Earth, minus the climate-changing fire, water and air.

The governor then addressed how he expects Californians to not use oxygen.

We have our best engineers at Silicon Valley working on this. While is it still in the testing stages they seem to feel that a combination of software chips implanted into our brains and removing our lungs and replacing them with hardware similar to a CPU fan will accomplish the effect. Naturally those serving in California’s legislature shall be exempt from this.

The governor is also not worried about a black market developing for water and oxygen.

“Once the state bans something the need for it disappears. That’s a fact.”

Editor’s note:  Do you think I, Manhattan Infidel, would make this up?

No water for you!

(7)

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5 Jun 18

Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview with Samantha Bee

You’re all feckless!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a figure much in the news lately: Late night talk show host and comedienne Samantha Bee.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Bee.

SB: You’re nothing but a feckless c*nt.

MI: Um. What?

SB: Feckless. You heard me. You’re an example of fecklessness in a feckless world.

MI: Okay. I think. Would you like some Château le Blanc?

SB: What year?

MI: ’68 of course.

[Manhattan Infidel hands Samantha Bee the Château le Blanc and she drinks it]

SB: This Château le Blanc ’68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think I am? An Animal?

[She throws the glass at Manhattan Infidel which hits him in the head]

MI: Ow. What the hell, man?

SB: You feckless c*nt!

[Laughter is heard]

MI: Where the hell is that coming from?

SB: It’s from my laugh track machine. I carry a portable one with me. That way when I say witty things like “feckless c*nt” the laugh track validates me and proves how witty I am.

MI: I see.

SB: You feckless c*nt!

[The laugh track machine goes off again]

SB:  You see!  Instant validation of my superior wit!

[Stormy Daniels enters] 

I am a hero to teenage girls everywhere

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SB: My god, it’s Stormy Daniels. A empowered female and role model for all young  women everywhere. What brings you here?

SD: I heard a laugh track and that means an audience. So I came over here to see if anyone will pay me to let strangers put their penis in my vagina.

SB: You are not a feckless c*nt you are a f*cking c*nt!  A c*nt that fucks. A c*nt that fucks for money!

[Laugh track goes off again]

SD: I know! My story should be an inspiration to all teenage girls across the United States. 

MI: Is there anything you want to say to the teenage girls of America who may be reading this interview?

SD: Believe in yourself. You can do anything. But just in case you have no other talents get implants and f*ck in front of a camera for money. One day you may meet the future president of the United States!

SB: Stormy you are not feckless. And you certainly aren’t f*ckless!

[Laugh track activates]

SB: You are an empowered feminist hero and I salute you and your money-making p*ssy!

MI: I’m sorry but how does being a porn star make you a feminist?

SB & SD: Shut up! We are tired of your patriarchy!

[Laugh track goes off]

SB: Patriarchy!  

[Laugh track goes off]

SB: I just said patriarchy twice, both times sneering condescendingly.  The laugh track proves I’m witty.

SD: I bet you’ve never f*cked on camera for money!

MI: No I haven’t actually.

SB & SD:Loser!

And so ended my interview with the very witty and superior Samantha Bee and feminist icon Stormy Daniels. What a pair of feckless c*nts!

(5)

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4 Jun 18

Ireland to Become a Killing Machine!

Let’s kill our children!

 

 

 

 

 

The formerly Christian Republic of Ireland voted overwhelmingly to legalize abortion within its borders, marking its final descent into madness and irrelevance.

“This is a great day for Ireland” said one of the leaders of the movement to repeal the 8th Amendment to the Irish Constitution, outlawing abortion.

At last we will become a progressive socialist shithole like our leaders on the continent of Europe. France. Germany. England. These are the countries Ireland aspires to be. Abortion on demand. Low birthrates. Inundated with Muslims who are totally not going to rape our women. What more can a country ask for?

Another woman was overcome with emotion by the result and between sobs was able to tell a reporter how proud she is.

“Finally we have defeated the patriarchy” she said.

After all what is heterosexual sex but rape? It is the patriarchy brutally penetrating the warm, wet, tight walls of womenhood. And that’s a bad thing. Abortion today. Abortion tomorrow. Abortion forever. We want to be known as the abortion leader of Europe. Only then will we strike fear into the hearts of the patriarchy. And on a completely unrelated note can someone go back to my place?  There’s a mouse in the kitchen and I need someone to kill it.

A third woman thanked the United States for being Ireland’s abortion model.

“The United States has aborted over 60 million children since Roe Vs Wade” she remarked.

That is a magnificent achievement. Something the United States should be rightly proud of. Sixty million?  Why that’s almost the entire population of Italy! Granted if their are no more Italians I might have to hire a Polish immigrant to cook my pasta but that’s just a small price to pay for abortion rights. The hiring of Polish people I mean.  Though eliminating Italians isn’t bad either. Except for Frank Sinatra. I like him. And George Clooney. He’s Italian, right?

One person spoke of how compassionate abortion is and how it is truly only the first step towards an even more compassionate Ireland.

“Every mother wants to kill her children before they are born” she said.

That’s a fact. The science is settled on this. The so-called maternal instinct is nothing more than patriarchal propaganda. So letting us have abortions is compassionate. And why stop at eliminating the product of coitus before it leaves the womb? Shouldn’t we be allowed to kill our children outside the womb as well? It only seems fair. I am proposing that for the first two years after birth every Irish woman have the right to terminate her offspring. And it will be easy to do. We’re an island. Just throw them off the cliffs into the sea. We can make it a spectator sport. Give points for the best throw. It has to be more exciting than soccer.

Still not everyone is excited about abortion in Ireland.

“What if our birthrate falls below replacement levels” said a person opposed to female reproductive freedom.

We’re not the United States. They have a crapload of Hispanics. We don’t. We might have to import America’s Hispanics to keep our birthrate up. Respectable Hispanics. Cubans and Dominicans only. America can keep their Puerto Ricans and Mexicans.

Upon reflection however he walked back his previous statement.

“Well we might have to import Mexicans. We need someone to do our laundry after all.”

(8)

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