Famous 1980s superstar Madonna has gone on record as promising oral sex to anyone who votes for Hillary Clinton on election day.
“If you vote for Hillary Clinton I will give you a blow job” she told a packed crowd.
Okay? I’m really good. I take my time. I have a lot of eye contact and I do swallow. I’ve honed my trade over the years. Since I started giving blow jobs when I was 12 I’ve given over 600,000 blow jobs and not a dissatisfied customer. Well except for the one guy I bit but he was a Republican so he deserved it. I was only blowing him out of pity. And let me tell you, I’m a lot better at it now that I have false teeth. I just take them out and gum a man to climax. Oh, and sometimes I have to sit in a chair because of my sciatica. And if my back is really bad I lie down on a board. It’s a little awkward that way but I get the job done once I figure out the logistics. So what say you, men of America? Do you want my mature, experienced body and lips?
With word of Madonna’s offer, the tight race has swung clearly in Trump’s favor with many heretofore solid Clinton voters switching to the Republican candidate.
“I’ve always voted Democrat” was one typical male response.
And I’ve always enjoyed blow jobs but this, this is just too much. I have a girlfriend. A young girlfriend my age and frankly getting serviced by someone old enough to be my mother is not a turn on.
“Since I heard her announcement I haven’t been able to achieve an erection” said another man.
My private life has suffered. My girl has left me. I’m distracted at work. I cry a lot. I’m not alone. All the other guys at work are the same way. During our lunch break we buy Cialis and curse Madonna. I mean whenever I think of sex now her aged, bony body is the only image I see. I may commit suicide. But not until after election day. I have to vote for Trump now. It’s the principle dammit!
The only person who has agreed to take up Madonna on her offer is the 18-year old president of his high school’s chess club in LaGrange, New York.
“Being in the chess club as you can imagine I don’t get many girls” he said.
In fact, none actually. I’m something of a nerd. Chess and Marvel’s Agents of Shield is pretty much my life. Whoever said women find intelligence sexy didn’t know what they were talking about. So I’m all set for Madonna’s blow job. Sure she’s a little old but I’ll just close my eyes and pretend she’s my English teacher Miss Brooks. she’s hot for a woman in her 20s.
Madonna is the first public figure to offer blow jobs in exchange for votes since Andrew Jackson offered his services to any man who would vote for Martin Van Buren over the Whig candidates in 1836.
“I’m a frontier man and my mouth dispenses frontier justice. And pleasure” he wrote in his diary.