Where’s the beer?

Former congressman Beto O’Rourke, who failed to win a senate seat in Texas has begun an across the continent road trip where he will meet and greet users and listen to their concerns.

Naturally we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ wanted in on the action. So I called Beto.

MI:  Beto it’s me, Manhattan Infidel. I heard about your cross country road trip. I want in.

BO:  I dunno man. My mother told me not to speak to strangers.

MI:  I have beer.

BO:  Hop in.

And so began our road trip. We laughed. We cried. We avoided police. After a week on the road and much prodding Beto agreed to a formal interview with me. So as he drove I sat in the passenger seat, cassette tape recorder running (they can’t be hacked into) asking him the questions American wants to know.

MI: So Beto, despite you loss to Ted Cruz many have called you a “rising star” in the Democratic party. This road trip seems to be a way with connecting with voters across the US as part of a 2020 presidential run. Is this accurate?

BO:  Well as we used to say in Mexico when I was growing up, “Si. Si.”

MI: So you’re Mexican?  

BO:  Si. Si.  Spent my entire childhood in Mexico. I love the country. Its natural beauty. It language. Its traditions.

MI: Name one Mexican tradition.

BO:  Swimming across the Rio Grande into America.

MI:  I guess it pays to have a Hispanic background in America today. Have you met Elizabeth Warren? She’s a full-blooded Cherokee warrior.

BO: Nah. If it’s one thing I hate it’s people faking ethnic identity.

MI: Um. Okay. Anyway many people are calling you the “Next Kennedy.”  What do you think of being called this and is it accurate?

BO:  I haven’t thought about it much. Hey can you reach into the back seat and grab me a beer.  Mine’s out.

[Manhattan Infidel grabs a beer and gives it to Beto]

BO: Thanks man. So anyway as you were saying am I the next Kennedy? I take that as a compliment and I hope I can live up to the Kennedy label.

MI:  Look out! You almost hit that school bus! It had to swerve to avoid you.

BO:  Oh is that what crashed and burst into flames?  Hey can you hand me another beer. I just finished this one.

MI:  That was quick.

[Manhattan Infidel reaches back and hands Beto another beer.]

BO:  Thanks man. Anyway as I was saying – 

MI:  Look out!

[The car Beto is driving goes off a bridge and ends up upside down in the water]

I don’t remember what happened next only that I woke up by the side of the channel dripping wet. Beto was nowhere to be seen. A state trooper asked me if I was driving and I said “No, Beto was.”

“Figures” said the trooper. “Mexicans are shitty drivers.”

Let’s see. Bad teeth. Drunk driving. Leaving the scene of an accident. Hmm.  Beto is the next Kennedy!

(5)

Walls are immoral!

Inspired by the recent fact-finding mission of veteran reporter Jim Acosta to the Texas-Mexico border we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ also want to investigate walls to see if they work.

Not wanting to step on Acosta’s toes and feeling that he has finally ended the debate about whether the border wall with Mexico is moral I instead headed to San Francisco to investigate the wall that surrounds the home of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

To wit:  Has the wall around Speaker Pelosi’s home worked?  Are we seeing a decrease of Mexicans seeking to leave her home to enter the rest of San Francisco?

I arrived at her residence and at first found no signs of a visible crisis. I walked the perimeter of Pelosi’s mansion and everything seemed normal.

But being the intrepid reporter that I am I decided to buy a ladder from a local hardware store so I could peak over the wall and get a first hand view of Pelosi country.

I brought the ladder back to her home and went up to the top of the ladder and peered over the wall.

What I saw shocked me.

Below me ranged hundreds of Mexican nationals on her property. Some were washing clothes. Some were cooking. A few were digging holes in the property to steal underground copper wires.

Wanting to get their attention I shouted “Hello Mexicans. You have nothing to fear from me. I am a reporter.”

I was greeted with a round of boos and middle fingers. Obviously these simple Mexicans did not hear me correctly so I repeated myself.

“Hello simple Mexicans. I am a brave, enlightened, liberal, truth-telling reporter and I want to hear your story.”

Finally one woman approached me. I asked her what she did and if any of her fellow Mexicans would like to come over to the other side of the wall.

“Si Si.  I cook and wash for Meez Pelosi. She very mean to me. I want to escape.”

I asked her how Pelosi was mean to her.

“She make me cook and wash 16 hours a day. She pay me very little. She beat me.”

Shocked I asked the other Mexicans to come forward and asked them if they would like to escape to the other side of the wall.

They all answered in the affirmative. Or in the words of these simple yet honorable people “Si, Si. Meez Pelosi she loco!”

It is then that I knew there was a humanitarian crisis at the wall.  I knew then that walls were immoral and only racist alt-right white nationalists like walls.  I knew that the wall had to be torn down.

I told these simple peasant folk that I would be their savior and that I would dedicate my life to seeing that they could enter freely to the other side of Pelosi’s wall.

But then one of the simple, uneducated Mexicans threw a rock at me which hit me in the head. I fell off the ladder onto Pelosi’s property where I was promptly surrounded by Mexicans who beat me and took my wallet.

You know what?  Walls work. We need to build more walls.

(64)

Not wearing pants

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present an intimate chat with Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Schumer.

CS:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s cut to the chase.  The government is shut down. You and President Trump are miles apart in negotiations.

CS: Let me just say one thing:  There will be no wall!  

MI:  Many people feel that we are in a crisis and we need a wall on our southern border.

CS:  THERE WILL BE NO WALL!

MI:  Um. Okay.

CS: No wall!  Ever!

[Nancy Pelosi enters] 

Crazy bitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  It’s the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

NP:  Manhattan Infidel there will be no wall!

CS:  There will be no wall!

CS & NP:  There will be no wall! 

We are not mad, just very disappointed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Wow. That was rather creepy when the two of you look at me like that.

NP: Manhattan Infidel I want you to know that you’re not in trouble.

MI:  Trouble?

NP:  Chuck Schumer and I aren’t angry with you. Just very disappointed.

MI: Disappointed?  Why?  Because I asked about the wall? 

You have been impure young man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS: No. It’s because we know you have been impure.

MI: Um. What?

NP:  Impure. You’ve been touching yourself.

MI:  What the – let’s get back to talking about the wall.

NP: Now there is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Many boys your age do this.  

Many boys your age do this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  I did when I was your age. A lot.

MI:  What the hell. I want to talk about the wall.

CS: You know all the self-pleasuring I did when I was younger encouraged me to go into politics.

MI:  The wall!  The wall! 

Be prepared for bleeding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  When I was younger and polluting myself I sometimes used toys. Lots of fun but be prepared for bleeding.

MI:  Oh god.

NP:  Manhattan Infidel have you ever polluted yourself in a group?  That can be a lot of fun. And it will get you used to enjoying your body in front of other people. 

Polluting yourself is normal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Jesus!  I just wanted to talk about the wall.

CS & NP:  But we aren’t angry with you.  Polluting yourself is normal. And fun.

MI: I am out of here.

Jesus. I, I what the, I need to take a shower. And cut my arms off. And gouge my eyes out.

(6)

Life as we know it is over!

With the shutdown of our benevolent Government dragging into its second week and no end in sight I thought it would be good for my readers if I created a handy guide to surviving this apocalyptic event.

After all, why shouldn’t my readers benefit from my wisdom? And yes the phrase “benefit from my wisdom” does legally include and any all dick photos I may choose to send.

•  Why is our benevolent government, the government I am dependent on and have always considered a great white father figure, shut down?

Republicans are evil people and Donald Trump is Satan. 

• I know that already. But why is Satan in the White House totally shutting down our benevolent government that in so many ways is a second father to me?

The Great Satan in the White House wants to build a wall to keep brown people out of the United States. 

• Wow. The Great Satan in the White House is such an evil racist!

He makes me sick to my stomach. Walls are always wrong and should never be built. Except where I live of course but that’s only because I want to keep the brown drug dealers out. But that’s just common sense.

• Um. Didn’t you just say walls should never be built?

It’s okay when I do it. I’m a Democrat.

• I’m worried that with the government shut down I won’t get free stuff from them.  I depend on the government, who is like a second father to me, to give me free stuff.

This is a valid concern. Our Federal government is the kindest, gentlest, most benevolent institution that ever existed. We as Americans should get down on our  knees every day and thank the Feds for making us dependent upon them. For that is true benevolence and freedom.

• I agree with you 100 percent!

And I agree that you should agree with me. For agreeing to be dependent on the Federal government is kind and compassionate. It is what Jesus would have wanted.

• Really?

When he said “I am the way the truth and the life” what do you think he was referring to? He was talking about our Federal government. You shall have no other god but the Federal government.

• Back to the shutdown. What exactly will be closed? I heard this is only a partial shutdown.

Technically yes it is a partial shutdown. But the body of our Government has still been wounded by Satan in the White House. And when the body of our government is wounded, we who are subjects of the Government, share in the pain.

• But what specifically will be shut down?  Will I be able to visit national parks?

No they will be shut down. But you should never visit those anyway. Don’t you know that trees frighten black people and remind them of lynching?  We must cut down every tree in America.

• You have me convinced. I am going to cut down every tree I see. I will do it to thwart Satan in the White House’s agenda.

You are a noble person.

• Thank you. One more  thing. What can I do to ensure that our benevolent Government is never shut down again?

Kill Republicans. They are evil. I, as an elite, believe this to be so and it makes me feel better about myself.

There you have it readers. Now don’t you feel sorry that our Government is shut down?  You should!  Life as we know it may end without Government subsidies.

(9)

Socialists like to redistribute things, including bodily fluids

Lately 2016 Democratic-Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders has been rocked by allegations that his campaign was rife with sexual harassment and pay inequality. Mr. Sanders has asked to use this blog to defend himself and his male campaign workers. We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have acceded to his request.

Take it away Senator Sanders.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Like many of you I was shocked to learn that accusations of bad conduct were made against campaign workers of mine during 2016. Shocked to learn that Republicans could sink so low as to accuse socialists of this type of behavior.

Sexual harassment is a term invented by capitalists that exposes their dirty, filthy minds.

What happened to my female campaign workers at the hands of the male campaign workers was not, is not, in any way shape or form so-called harassment.

I am a socialist. My campaign workers are socialists. As socialists what we strive to do is equitably redistribute the things of this world. 

My male campaign workers, as good socialists, were simply redistributing their hands, tongues and penises to the bodies of the female campaign workers.

What could possibly be wrong with that?

Now I appreciate that not everyone who reads your blog is a socialist. So I will put my male campaign workers behavior in terms that capitalists will be able to understand:

Capitalism is based on the transfer of goods and services. My female campaign workers had the goods, being their bodies. My male campaign workers did them a service by redistributing their semen all over them.

Now, again, had my campaign workers been capitalists they would have paid the women. And that is shameful. Instead, as socialists the women were not paid. Instead they were given papers that allowed them to get food from officially approved government stores. And, as socialists, we confiscated their guns.

I really don’t understand what the big deal is about the semen redistribution. Women enjoy intercourse with men and enjoy fantasizing about being raped by three men simultaneously. I have written about this before. 

Redistribution of bodily fluids!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now onto the second allegation:  Pay disparity.

We must all admit that income inequality is a very serious problem in the United States. More must be done to ensure that everyone makes the same salary.

Well, for the men anyway.

In the socialist society that I want to bring to the capitalist United States the nuclear family will be abolished and it will now take a village to raise a child.

Naturally this means women will not be allowed to get jobs. We will need them in our long houses nursing and raising the children.

By paying the women less I was simply weaning them off their capitalistic ways and introducing them to the wonder of socialism.

And by the wonder of socialism I also mean the semen from my male coworkers.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

Um.  Thank you Bernie Sanders I’m sure my readers appreciate your words and now have a better understanding of the glory of socialism.

(2)

Drinking beer helps get me down with the common folk

From time to time I get requests from public figures to use the pages of this blog to reach out to the common person.  As such I was delighted to receive a phone call from Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. As many of you no doubt know Senator Warren announced her candidacy for President on New Years’ Eve. I am delighted to have her here today.

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Warren.

EW:  Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you have any fermented beverages in your icebox?

MI: Um. I have some beer in my refrigerator. Is that what you mean?

EW:  Yes. I love drinking beer. I drink beer all the time. You know, like all common people do. Because I’m a commoner. And I’m down with the struggle. But I have to warn you. After a few O’Douls I’m a madman. Totally out of control and up for anything. You know. Like all common people.

MI:  Um. Okay.  You do know that O’Douls is a non-alcoholic brand. I have some Sapporo 

You can’t handle this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if you want it.  Or a Heineken or some Angry Orchard cider. It’s your choice.

EW:  Whatever. Just bring me some fermented beverages from your icebox. Because I, Elizabeth Warren, am a commoner. I am down with the common folk and I drink fermented beverages like the common folk do!

[Manhattan Infidel hands Senator Warren a Sapporo]

EW:  Thank you. Do you have a can opener?

MI:  You open it like this – see the tab on the top. 

EW:  I don’t need your help!  We commoners are very self-reliant!

[Warren drinks from the can of Sapporo, then proceeds to crush it against her head and burp]

EW:  I am crushing an aluminum can against my head. That’s what all we commoners do after finishing our fermented beverage of choice.

MI: Yes. That’s what all us commoners do.

EW:  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MI:  Um. No. What?

EW:  Manhattan Infidel I want to f*ck the shit out of you.

MI:  What?

EW:  That’s right. I, Elizabeth Warren, want to f*ck the shit out of you. Because that’s what all common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages. We engage in carnal relations with people we have never met before!

MI:  No thanks. I’ll pass.

EW:  Oh come on. Manhattan Infidel please. I love you so much!

[Warren begins to weep]

MI: Do you have someone who can drive you home?

[Warren begins throwing plates]

EW: Is it because you’re cheating on me?  

MI: No. It’s just that –

EW:  It is! You’ve been cheating on me with that Alexandria Ocasio Cortez bitch, haven’t you? Is it because she’s younger? What does she have that I don’t? I have sexual experience and I can rock your f*cking world! Tell me! What does she have that I don’t? 

Teeth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Um. Teeth?

EW:  Please Manhattan Infidel, say you love me!

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.

[Warren begins to vomit in the kitchen trash]

MI: And you’re vomiting. I’m not cleaning that up.

EW: I am involuntarily, forcefully expelling the contents of my stomach through my mouth and nose, like the common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages.

[Warren passes out]

MI: Great. Another Massachusetts senator has gotten drunk and passed out in my kitchen. It makes me miss Kennedy. At least he drank an entire case of beer before throwing up and passing out in my kitchen.

This certainly wasn’t the interview with Elizabeth Warren that I was hoping for. I guess it’s true what they say:  Native Americans just cannot handle their liquor.

(19)