Madonna Promises Blow Jobs to Anyone Who Votes for Clinton; Trump Surges in Polls

I got what you want you got what I need

I got what you want you got what I need

Famous 1980s superstar Madonna has gone on record as promising oral sex to anyone who votes for Hillary Clinton on election day.

“If you vote for Hillary Clinton I will give you a blow job” she told a packed crowd.

Okay?  I’m really good. I take my time. I have a lot of eye contact and I do swallow. I’ve honed my trade over the years.  Since I started giving blow jobs when I was 12 I’ve given over 600,000 blow jobs and not a dissatisfied customer. Well except for the one guy I bit but he was a Republican so he deserved it. I was only blowing him out of pity. And let me tell you, I’m a lot better at it now that I have false teeth.  I just take them out and gum a man to climax. Oh, and sometimes I have to sit in a chair because of my sciatica. And if my back is really bad I lie down on a board. It’s a little awkward that way but I get the job done once I figure out the logistics. So what say you, men of America? Do you want my mature, experienced body and lips?

With word of Madonna’s offer, the tight race has swung clearly in Trump’s favor with many heretofore solid Clinton voters switching to the Republican candidate.

“I’ve always voted Democrat” was one typical male response.

And I’ve always enjoyed blow jobs but this, this is just too much. I have a girlfriend. A young girlfriend my age and frankly getting serviced by someone old enough to be my mother is not a turn on.

“Since I heard her announcement I haven’t been able to achieve an erection” said another man.

My private life has suffered. My girl has left me. I’m distracted at work. I cry a lot. I’m not alone. All the other guys at work are the same way. During our lunch break we buy Cialis and curse Madonna. I mean whenever I think of sex now her aged, bony body is the only image I see. I may commit suicide. But not until after election day. I have to vote for Trump now. It’s the principle dammit!

The only person who has agreed to take up Madonna on her offer is the 18-year old president of his high school’s chess club in LaGrange, New York.

“Being in the chess club as you can imagine I don’t get many girls” he said.

In fact, none actually. I’m something of a nerd. Chess and Marvel’s Agents of Shield is pretty much my life. Whoever said women find intelligence sexy didn’t know what they were talking about. So I’m all set for Madonna’s blow job. Sure she’s a little old but I’ll just close my eyes and pretend she’s my English teacher Miss Brooks. she’s hot for a woman in her 20s.

Madonna is the first public figure to offer blow jobs in exchange for votes since Andrew Jackson offered his services to any man who would vote for Martin Van Buren over the Whig candidates in 1836.

“I’m a frontier man and my mouth dispenses frontier justice. And pleasure” he wrote in his diary.



Death Star to Convert to Wind Power!

The Death star before its upgrade

The Death star before its upgrade

The Galactic Empire announced today a major overhaul of the Death Star, replacing its power source with a series of wind farms that will be housed on the exterior of the Star.

“This is a great day for the environment of the Empire” declared the Galactic Empire’s leader, Emperor Sheev Palpatine.

We must all work together to save our environment. Empire warming is the most serious threat that the Empire faces. It’s even more serious that the Rebel Alliance, who despite our political differences, I’m sure care about the environment as much as we do. Now there are those who say that this step isn’t necessary. There are those who say that the Empire’s first mission is to defend itself against the Rebel Alliance. That was the old paradigm. The new paradigm is the environment first, the environment always! I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly Emperor Sheev Palpatine, who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi. Though if I were I’d purge them in an environmentally-friendly fashion.

As for how he will pay for the upgrade to the Death Star, which is estimated to be five times the annual budget for the Empire, Palpatine says that has already been worked out.

I am going to raise taxes on the productive class of the Empire. Those capitalists have long been opposed to my compassionate socialist agenda of income redistribution and single-payer health care. Let the capitalists feel the outrage of our citizenry!

Palpatine then went on to announce surprise peace negotiations with the Rebel Alliance.

I have spoken to Princess Leia on several occasions. She is tired of fighting and is receptive to peace. She wants to live in harmony with us and believes that a power-sharing agreement can be brokered. All she asks in return is that I destroy all my Eddie Fisher CDs. I have no idea who Eddie Fisher is or what a CD is but if that’s her only demand then I’m down with it. I want to be known as the environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly Emperor who may or may not be a Sith Lord who plans on purging the Jedi.

Still not all are happy with the new environmentally-friendly, peace-friendly direction of the Empire. Sith Lord Darth Vader in particular promises resistance.

“If it weren’t for my pension I’d quit now” he told colleagues.

It’s bad enough I’m stuck in this cyborg costume, hell my waste disposal unit backed up twice last week,  but at least I thought I was doing the will of the Emperor. Now what? i’d relax with a beer but I can’t get a straw through my f*cking mask!

Undaunted by opposition Emperor Palpatine has ordered all Eddie Fisher CDs to be destroyed.

“I’ll start with the Jedi. If anyone likes Eddie Fisher it would be those wimps. Again, not that I’m a Sith lord who seeks to purge the Jedi. Just saying.”


Charlie Brown Marries His Teacher!

 I love school!

I love school!

Local resident Charlie Brown shocked the town today by announcing that he has married his teacher.

“From the first moment she said “wa wa wa” to me I was in love” said the smitten ten-year old.

It’s like we had our own private language. No one has ever understood me like her. She asked me to stay after class one day to clamp her erasers and the electricity between us could not be denied.

The two were cautious at first, knowing that many in the town would disapprove of their love and resorted to meeting in secret.

We used to go to my home because for some reason my parents were never home. We’d go to my room, read poetry, talk about our feelings and then one day it became physical. We both wanted it. I was hesitant at first because my testicles haven’t fully descended but she gently said “Don’t worry. My touch will make you a man.”

Once the relationship became physical they wore out each other.

We would have sex five, six times a day. I’m the luckiest boy in school!  I get good grades, I’m in love with my teacher and she lets me touch her boobies.

As for Charlie Brown’s teacher, she says she was drawn to how mature and artistic he was for his age.

He wrote me this poem called “Why does Lucy never let me kick the ball”  It went like this:

I saw the best minds of my generation

Destroyed by Lucy and her football

Lucy pulled the ball away again 

and I landed on my spine

I should kill the bitch

I’ve never read anything like this. It was like a cross between Ezra Pound and Allen Ginsberg. I saw it as the Howl of Charlie’s generation.

Wishing to make their relationship official the couple were married in the Church of the Great Pumpkin by Charlie’s close friend, Linus.

“It had everything I always imagined a wedding would have” said Charlie.

We had liturgical dance, puppets and a jazz rock classical fusion piece courtesy of Schroeder. Even Peppermint Patty was there. I was worried she wouldn’t show up since she was in love with my teacher as well. We got married in a forward thinking church with a forward thinking minister presiding over a forward thinking liturgy.

The two went to a Burger King for their reception before crossing the state line.

Technically what we are doing is a felony. But I don’t care. I love my teacher. And her boobies. I will be with her forever, or until I turn 13 and go to middle school, whichever comes first.

The school district that Charlie Brown went to and met his wife has issued the following statement:

While we discourage our teachers from sleeping with their students whenever possible we also recognize that times are changing. Love is love. We wish Charlie Brown and his teacher nothing but happiness.

As Charlie Brown left his friends to cross the state line he couldn’t contain his enthusiasm for the future.

“She says she can’t wait until I get hair on my pubes and she can teach me freaky stuff. I think she means trigonometry.”


ISIS Buying Samsung Galaxy Note 7s!

ISIS's secret weapon!

ISIS’s secret weapon!

In a disturbing security development it has been learned that ISIS fighters are having Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones shipped to them to use against the west.

“This is of course not going to be tolerated by us” said President Obama.

ISIS is the enemy of western civilization and western values. If they succeed in monopolizing the market on these exploding phones they will have a weapon of terror they could use against us.

Accordingly Obama signed into law the “Exploding Phone Parity Act of 2016.”

I have ordered our military to contract with Samsung to buy their discontinued galaxy Note 7s. We cannot, will not allow these dangerous weapons to be cornered by our enemies. With our forces equipped with Samsung Galaxies we can take the offensive and bring the war to them.

With that President Obama introduced the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,  General Joseph Dunford to explain how the Samsungs will help the United States win the war on terror.

“This phone which I hold in my hand is cheap, lightweight and portable” he told reporters.

No longer will we need expensive air planes to drop bombs on our enemies.  Now we will simply mail them to ISIS and blow them up before they blow us up.

President Obama then had General Dunford demonstrate the firepower of a Galaxy Note 7.

Putting the phone in his pocket Dunford asked assembled reporters to stand back.

It’s essentially just a waiting game now. I’ve been told that the Galaxy Note 7 has more explosive power than the bombs we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. Hey wait, what?  Maybe I should have thought this through.

As reporters watched in amazement, General Dunford then burst into flames. As he screamed in agony the reporters scrambled to get the best photos.

“It was like the shorts George Michael wore in that Wham! video. I couldn’t look away” said one reporter.

Dunford (pictured here)

The Galaxy 7 will win the war for us!

The Galaxy 7 will win the war for us!

was put out by White House fire control personnel.

“As you can see” said the President, “these phones are lethal.”

I urge all Americans who are in possession of a Galaxy Note 7 to turn the phone off immediately and send it to the Pentagon so we can being shipping them overseas. Now there are certain sections of our country that are worried that we might be tempted to use these phones against right-wing militia groups. They need not fear. That is unconstitutional and we already have a contract to kill them using drones. Once that contract expires we will look into using them against domestic enemies of the state.

Dunford’s badly charred body was then taken out and used as compost.

ISIS has vowed to burn all Americans it can with their phones.

“It’ll be like that nightclub in Rhode Island” said an ISIS fighter.  “No one will survive.”


Anthony Weiner: Trump Groped Me So Hard I Couldn’t Take a Selfie of My Penis!

Donald Trump is a sexual predator!

Donald Trump is a sexual predator!

Former congressman Anthony Weiner has joined a long list of people accusing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump of inappropriate sexual contact.

“Trump’s behavior has shaken me to my core” declared Weiner.

Despite our political differences we have always maintained a civil relationship and I admire his success. Anyway I went up to his hotel room to congratulate him on being the nominee and  he grabbed me firmly by my buttocks and stuck his tongue down my throat. I was taken aback and looked to see if there were any witnesses. Because, hey, if you’re going to be freaky then you might as well have people watch. I like being watched. I have a firm, pleasing body. I like touching it. Often. It excites me when people see my body. Usually from the unsolicited selfies I send them.

Seeing that there were no witnesses to the “freaky” behavior, Weiner’s excitement grew flaccid.

I pushed myself away from Trump. He was pressed in against my body and I didn’t want to damage my cell phone. Besides, with his arms wrapped around me I didn’t have room to pull it out. My phone I mean. Well, I guess I mean my phone also. I told him “Donald, I don’t mind being pinned up against a wall and rubbed up against,pelvis thrusting against pelvis, grinding our reproductive organs together in forbidden pleasure but let me take a photo and share it. He refused. That’s when I became angry and stormed out of the room crying.

Crying and “emotionally devastated” by his inability to take a photo of his penis, Weiner ran to the closet police precinct to report his sexual assault.

I told the cops how Trump brutally assaulted me and prevented me from taking my phone out so I could take a photo of my penis. The cops were polite and professional. They asked me if Trump’s conduct was against my will. I said hell no, I just wanted to take some photos of my penis while he held me. They then wanted to know if I had photos of my penis on my phone. Hello? Like who doesn’t. I have over 700 photos just of my penis. But they’re very artistic. Mood lighting, soft focus. Lots of profile shots of my erect, throbbing member. They asked to see the photos and of course I was more than happy to show the cute young female detective. She seemed very interested in the photos. Especially the ones where my son is in them.

Weiner was then charged with child endangerment and taken to a holding cell.

I asked the cute young female detective where we were going and when she said, “behind bars” I got excited. Oh boy that’s always been one of my fantasies. And since she wasn’t holding me to closely I would be able to take it out and photograph my penis. But then once I was put in the cell she started to leave and I lost my erection.  “What about Trump?” I asked her. Was she going to get him for a threesome? If not was she going to arrest him? I mean his behavior has shaken me to my core like nothing has before! He’s a true sexual predator and pervert. Imagine not letting someone take a photo of their penis!

Weiner’s estranged wife, Huma Abedin, while refusing to post bail for her husband, placed the blame squarely on Donald Trump’s shoulders.

“Trump is a sexual predator. It’s all part of the Republican war on women. Or something. What sort of man doesn’t allow another man to take a photo of his penis while groping him?”



Emilio Largo Leaves Spectre to Focus on Financial Crimes and Pizza!

Respect the eye patch!

Respect the eye patch!

The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (Spectre) suffered a debilitating blow when their second in command, Emilio Largo, quit to form his own company.

Sources say that Largo had been unhappy for some time with Spectre’s command structure and saw no hope of advancement.

“He really felt that he should have been number one and in charge of Spectre” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous.

When he joined Spectre the leadership was supposed to rotate. Largo assumed that he would get a chance to head Spectre. Instead Stavro Blofeld took control and never relinquished it.This was very frustrating for Largo. He felt that with his background he was the most evil person in the world.  I mean he had an eye patch. Have you ever met anyone with an eye patch who wasn’t evil? I mean besides Moshe Dayan?

As for Largo, he has created a startup evil organization centered on financial crimes and pizza.

“My organization will mainly be committing white color financial crime using the internet” he told reporters at a press conference launching his organization.

This will differentiate is from Spectre which, while undoubtedly evil, has a large overheard, is cumbersome and rooted in 20th century crime models. My organization will be totally modern and cutting edge. And most exciting of all we will also be making pizza! I used to make pizza when I was a child back in Italy. It was a secret family recipe that everybody in the town loved. If all goes according to my business model we will corner the pizza market in America. And we’ll use the financial crimes to finance it. It’s a truly evil plan. Because I am evil. The eye patch proves it. Have you ever known anyone who had an eye patch and wasn’t evil?  I mean besides Moshe Dayan? 

On CNBC’s Squawk Box hosts Becky Quick and Joe Kernan hailed Largo for his vision.

“He’s taking a big chance” said Quick.

But if he can modernize evil, bring evil into the 21st century, and make delicious pizza not only will he be remembered for his contribution to evil but also for his contribution to pizza. 

“This is true” countered Kernan.

Evil need to be refreshed from time to time. I mean we in the media can only do so much to move evil forward. We depend on civilians. Evil civilians. And this fellow Largo is evil. Look at his eye patch. Have you ever known anyone who wore and eye patch who wasn’t evil? Besides Moshe Dayan?

Largo’s new organization called “Evil Hut” will be opening franchises in several states in the Midwest and plans to expand to the entire continental United States next year.

“Come for the pizza. Stay for the identity theft” will be its slogan.


Santa Monica Landlord Arrested for Quadruple Homicide!

This landlord killed his wife and three of his tenants

This landlord killed his wife and three of his tenants

Santa Monica landlord Stanley Roper was arrested today and charged with murdering his wife and three of his tenants (Jack Tripper, Janet Wood and Chrissy Snow pictured here).

These sex addicts are dead

These sex addicts are dead

“It was the most brutal thing I have even seen on the job” said a detective at the scene.

He had cut his wife’s head and breasts off. Then when he finished with that he went to his tenants and decapitated both Miss Wood and Miss Snow before stabbing Tripper to death, cutting off his penis and placing it in Tripper’s mouth. He’s one very sick, dark, twisted person. Either that or he listens to a lot of Judas Priest.

While brutal, the murders were not unexpected.

We’ve had this Roper fellow on our radar for awhile. We would get lots of complaints from local women about him. Apparently he’d be watching them with his binoculars, following them and propositioning them. He’d wear trench coats and try to rub up against them. It was classic middle aged man stuff. Mostly harmless but you had to keep an eye on him.

Taken to the precinct for booking, Roper waved all rights to a lawyer.

“I want to tell my story. I’m not evil. Just sexually frustrated” he said.

Apparently the middle-aged Roper had been having problems with erectile dysfunction. He was also no longer physically attracted to his wife Helen

The murderer no longer wanted this.

The murderer no longer wanted this.

and would often refer to her as a “cow.

“This was difficult for Helen” said a friend.

She was in her prime sexually and had a voracious appetite. And to find that your husband didn’t find you sexually attractive anymore was a huge blow to her self-esteem. She had taken to going to male strip clubs and paying the dancers to have sex with her. When she wasn’t doing that she was trying to get Jack Tripper into her bed. 

“We think that’s what set Mr. Roper off, the knowledge that his wife was with another man” said a detective.

He may not have wanted her but that doesn’t mean he wanted anyone else to have her. It’s classic case of “I don’t want you but no one else can have you either.” I’ve seen it many times before in this business. You’d think I’d be used to it but I never am.

As for the alleged killer, he won’t stop talking.

Yeah I did it. Can you blame me?  I knew those three were always having sex with each other. Always. Doing things to each other. Things I could only imagine. All I wanted was to watch. If they didn’t want me to watch why did they keep tormenting me? Every time I’d see them they say “Come on knock on our door. We’ve been waiting for you. Where the kisses are hers and hers and his three’s company too!” What sort of sadists were these kids?

He is currently being held under a suicide and masturbation watch pending trial.


Proving Once Again That People are Idiots………

This man is a communist-sympathizing asshole

This man is a communist-sympathizing asshole

From the Proving Once Again That Our Republic is Doomed Department:  Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) and his poll ratings continue to rise. This despite his only known accomplishment being returning New York City to the unlivable shithole it was in the 1970s (minus the cheap rents).

A recent Marist college poll found that 50 percent of registered voters believe Wilhelm Jr. deserves a second term.

“I don’t know what to make of this” said a pollster involved in the survey.

I mean everyone knows that Wilhelm Jr. has done jack shit for the city. Everyone knows he is incompetent, thin-skinned and corrupt. How many investigations are currently undergoing against his administration? Yet New Yorkers still love this guy. I thought New Yorkers were supposed to be smart.

A possible reason for the favorable rating is New Yorkers grew tired of living in a safe, crime-free environment where they went out at night without fear.

“Who wants that” said one New Yorker and Wilhelm Jr. supporter.

No crime?  Living in safety and security? If I wanted that I’d move to the suburbs. That life is sterile. I want excitement. I like hearing gunshots late at night when I’m trying to sleep. I enjoy seeing homeless defecating in front of my apartment building. I like being accosted on the subway by panhandlers. I love it when I’m stopped at a red light and squeegee men break my windshield wipers if I don’t give them money. It all reminds me of the 1970s. That’s the New York I want to live in. I just wish the rents were as cheap as they were in the ’70s.

Another New Yorker spoke of how excited she was to be living in a city that was “gritty and authentic.”

I was walking down the street late at night and I was pulled into an alley and raped. As he pulled my dress up over my head and I felt his penis inside me I felt a feeling of excitement and satisfaction. This is the gritty and authentic life I read about! I would never have had the chance to experience this if I had stayed in Iowa. I just wish rents were as cheap as they were in the ’70s. That would have made my rape more enjoyable.

Still a third spoke of the thrill they get living vicariously through the violence inflicted on others.

Every day I read the police reports and look for muggings, murders or rapes and I see if it was in my neighborhood or anyone I knew. If it was I get a rush. Wow!  So close! Of course I’ll never be mugged, murdered or raped since I’m white and live on the upper west side in a high rise with a doorman. I just wish rents were as cheap as they were in the ’70s. That’s all.

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) addressed the survey results.

I’m  popular with New Yorkers because I give them what the want: A socialist workers paradise coupled with nostalgia for the graffiti-ridden, bankrupt New York of the 1970s. I mean come on!  Are we really going to let Chicago, the second city, surpass us in murder rates? I don’t think so. I just wish rents were as cheap as they were in the 1970s. But I’m only the mayor. Not much I can do about that.

Wilhelm Jr. has already announced the campaign slogan he will use during his re-election campaign.

“He made New York City not so great again!”



Goldfinger Angered That United States Adopts Fiat Currency!

All that planning for shit? What the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

All that planning for shit? What the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Auric Goldfinger, 42-year old expatriate from Riga Latvia, the richest man in England and treasurer of the Soviet counterintelligence agency SMERSH, expressed amazement and anger that the United States has abandoned the standard.

“It just makes no sense” he told his operatives.

To base your entire economy on a currency that is not backed in gold is just asking for trouble. It’s going to lead to inflation and devaluation of the currency.  Mark my words by 2020 the currency will be worthless. I mean what the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Sipping a mint julep on his farm in Kentucky, Goldfinger became increasingly agitated as he warmed to his subject.

Of course I have selfish reasons for wanting governments to keep the gold standard. My wealth is based on gold. I’m obsessed with it. I even have gold-bound erotic photographs. I love gold. That’s why I came up with Operation Grand Slam. You see all I want to do is explode a nuclear device at the Ft. Knox repository. Then all the gold will become radioactive and useless. The value of my gold reserves will increase and I will become the most  powerful person in the world. Even more powerful than Arthur Burns, the head of the Federal Reserve. I mean I spent years planning this. Years. And now Nixon goes all fiat on me. 

Goldfinger then threw his mint julep against the wall.

Goddamn Nixon. The EPA was bad enough but a fiat currency?  That’s going to lead to federal budget deficits and increase our debt into the billions. Billions! Jesus. All that planning. Operation Grand Slam is useless now. What the point of poisoning the gold supply at Ft.Knox?  What’ the point of my gold? Useless. Useless.  Now I know how John Wilkes Booth felt.

Goldfinger put his head in his hands and wept.

You know it would all be worth it if only my personal pilot, Pussy Galore, 

Why won't Goldfinger believe I'm a lesbian?

Why won’t Goldfinger believe I’m a lesbian?

would return my love. I don’t know why she won’t. I’ve given her gifts. Real gold. But she won’t let me touch her. Why not? I’m man. All man. Just let me touch you. I’m so lonely. All I have is gold. She tells me she’s a lesbian but I don’t believe her. Women always tell me that. Well if she won’t give me what I want I’ll get it from my manservant OddJob. This just too much. Well Nixon is going to hear from me!

From the White House, President Nixon responded to Goldfinger’s criticisms.

Auric Goldfinger is important to the Republican party and we need his support. Nevertheless we need to abandon gold. This will loosen the dollar, we can print more and inflation will lower.

As for Goldfinger, he plans a not-so-subtle protest.

“I’m going to have ‘Yes to the Gold Standard’ tattooed on my ass. Then maybe Pussy will like me.”


People Outraged by Donald Trump’s Outrageous Comments!

I'm outraged! Outraged!

I’m outraged! Outraged!

The entire civilized world (excepting Scotland which has never been civilized) expressed horror and outrage over Donald Trump’s offensive comments about women.

“I’m outraged and disgusted” said the leader of Respectable Citizens United Against Trump.

This only confirms I was right in being outraged in the first place. But now I am even more outraged. My level of outrage is even more outraged than my original level of outrage when I became outraged over something I don’t remember.

At the headquarters of Citizens United Against Trump (which broke off from Respectable Citizens United Against Trump when they became outraged over Respectable Citizens United Against Trump’s failure to condemn Trump for his comments on Mexicans) the president of the group expressed outrage.

“I am outraged. Totally outraged” he declared.

I haven’t been so outraged since Respectable Citizens United Against Trump weren’t outraged over his outrageous comments about Mexicans. I call upon Respectable Citizens United Against Trump to release their tax returns. What are they hiding?

The group Citizens Against Trump expressed their outrage by posting the following on their website:

We at Citizens United Against Trump (not to be confused with Respectable Citizens United Against Trump or Citizens United Against Trump) feel nothing but moral outrage over his statements. When are lower class Republicans who haven’t attended eastern, Ivy-league schools going to learn that waging war against women won’t work and will lose us votes? And frankly a war against our female companions is senseless and fills us with even more outrage then we normally feel.

Around the world reports of people being outraged poured in.

“I’m outraged. Absolutely outraged” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

These sentiments I take it are common in a barely civilized country like America. But we in Germany have grown beyond this. I’d continue talking abut a Muslim immigrant is raping me.

“I’m outraged and disgusted” said Palestinian National Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas.

That is why we circumcise our women. That way we won’t be tempted by them. Once we conquer America the infidel women will all be circumcised.

British Prime Minister Theresa May had this to say:

I am outraged. I am outraged as a woman. I am outraged as a human being. I am outraged because I am outraged!  I’m outraged! Totally, totally outraged.

Big Bird of Sesame Street told reporters that he, too, was outraged.

I mean, I have no genitalia. But if I did I’d be outraged. Totally.

Russian leader Vladimir Putin expressed his outrage by taking his shirt off and wrestling a bear. He was able to kill the bear by pulling its jaws apart until they snapped. The bear was also outraged by Trump’s comments.

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon was reported to be so outraged by Trump’s comments that he walked across the 38th parallel and offered himself as a hostage to North Korea.

“I am too outraged to do anything but eat grass and this is the perfect place to do it” he told his captors.

Someone named “Dave” from Weehawken, New Jersey was not outraged at the moment but mulling it over. He was immediately beaten to death by outraged neighbors.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan disinvited Trump to a campaign event.

As a Democrat I am outraged by his comments. What? I’m a Republican? Since when? No matter. It’s the same thing.

President Obama has declared a State of Emergency and ordered all outraged citizens to flee to safe space shelters.

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, further outraging an outraged world.