You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

And now after a week of enlightening my readers about the most important proposal in the history of Congress I finish with Part V. May the Green New Deal be as widely read as the Bible, the Koran and Harry Potter books combined!

vi.  ensuring that public lands, waters, and oceans are protected and that eminent domain is not abused; And by this I mean all land, water and oceans. We shall nationalize everything so we can control it. Even the ocean shall be nationalized. And we shall make sure that no nasty fossil fuel using boats cross our nationalized oceans. Instead we shall build a high speed rail system across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

vii. We shall ensure that our most important roads, the Hershey Highway and Fudgepacker Boulevard, are protected from pollution. I have no idea where the Hershey Highway or Fudgepacker Boulevard are. I’m assuming Pennsylvania. Chuck Schumer said he wants to personally show me these two very important roads. He said I’d enjoy it.

viii.  removing greenhouse gases (eventually gases from houses of every color) from the atmosphere and reducing pollution, including by restoring natural ecosystems (we might have to move people from the cities to collective farms in rural areas) through proven low-tech solutions that increase soil carbon storage, such as preservation and afforestation.  In short all our cities and suburbs shall be depopulated and the people who formerly lived in them will be redistributed (such is the glory of socialism) to rural areas in the United States.  Those who formerly lived in populated areas shall learn the glory of working with their hands. Sixteen hours a day. While bending over. Pulling fruits and vegetables out of the ground.

ix. Banning all electronic devices including so-called smart phones since smart phones pollute our environment. Chuck Schumer is mad about this and said he needs his cell phone to send me dick photos. I assume me means Dick Smothers. I saw the Smothers Brothers once.  Well not in person. They are old. But their old TV show.

x.  Chuck Schumer just told me that by dick photos he meant a photo of his penis. He says helping protect the environment gives him a woody and he wants to show it to me.

xi.  I mean I’m fine with that. I’ve seen penises before. Most of them look the same except for this one guy I knew in college who had an accident with a weed wacker. Funny story actually. It looks like a shredded flag. He said it still worked he just needed some duct tape and whiskey.

xii. What that story has to do with protecting our environment I don’t know. But weed wackers do use some sort of internal combustion engine so they shall be banned.

xiii. Chuck Schumer just face timed me on his smart phone. He had his pants at his ankles and he was playing with his penis. I should not stand for this type of behavior and if he were a Republican I’d object but he’s a Democrat and I guess saving the environment really does get him excited!

And there you have it. The entire text of the much vaunted Green New Deal. May protecting the environment make us all as excited as Chuck Schumer!

(47)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (aka “The Gift That Keeps on Giving“) has gifted us with her Green New Deal. As a responsible journalist it is now my duty to present the complete text to my readers for them read at their leisure (or use as toilet paper.)

1. cleaning up existing hazardous waste and abandoned sites to promote economic development and sustainability.  Note:  These existing hazardous waste and abandoned sites do not include our inner cities, most of which are controlled by the Democratic Socialists of America. I mean I never visit them. Too much gun violence.  But Chuck Schumer said I shouldn’t talk about that. This was just before he took his penis out and asked me to touch it.
2. ensuring the use of democratic and participatory processes that are inclusive of and led by frontline and vulnerable communities and workers to plan, implement, and administer the Green New Deal mobilization at the local level; those that refuse to work with us shall be sent to re-indoctrination camps where they shall work for work shall set them free. And yes by those refusing to work with us I mean Republicans and by re-indoctrination camps I mean prisons. But our re-indoctrination camps shall not use coal when putting people in ovens because coal is a pollutant. Only wind power for our camps!
3. making public investments in the research and development of new clean and renewable energy technologies and industries; By this I mean wind power, horses (as long as they don’t fart) and buggies. And don’t rule out walking.  We in the government shall continue to use airplanes and internal combustion engines but only for convenience sake.
4. directing investments to spur economic development, by that I mean nationalizing all the banks, deepen and diversify industry in local and regional economies, by that I mean wind power and walking and build wealth and community ownership and by that I mean socialism like they have in Venezuela – it works, it really works, while prioritizing high-quality job creation and economic, social, and environmental benefits in frontline and vulnerable communities that may otherwise struggle with the transition away from greenhouse gas intensive industries and by that I mean killing those who insist on using internal combustion engines.
5. a Green New Deal must be developed through transparent and inclusive consultation and by that I mean having the masses do what we the experts tell them, collaboration, and partnership with frontline and vulnerable communities, labor unions, worker cooperatives, civil society groups, academia, and businesses; Chuck Schumer told me to put that part in about academia. He’s really smart. Does anybody know what “polishing a knob” means?  He keeps asking me to do it.  He said most people call it a blow job. Is he talking about wind power?

Tomorrow:  Part V. (That’s part five for the uneducated who cling to guns, religion and fossil fuels)

(44)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As promised now for Part III. It’s like Godfather Part III but without Coppola’s daughter stinking everything up.

Whereas climate change, pollution, environmental destruction and gun violence in inner cities ruled by Democrats that I shouldn’t mention have exacerbated systemic racial, regional, social, environmental, and economic injustices by disproportionately affecting indigenous communities, communities of color, migrant communities, deindustrialized (socialist) communities, depopulated rural communities, the poor, low-income workers, women, the elderly, the unhoused, people with disabilities, youth and the occasional Klingon who is too proud to beg;

Whereas, climate change constitutes a direct threat to the national security of the United States—

1. by impacting the economic, environmental, and social stability of countries and communities around the world, granted not as much as all the drone strikes but those drone strikes were ordered by Obama and he’s a Nobel Peace Prize winner so that means it’s okay; and
2. by acting as a threat multiplier; That’s a phrase Chuck Schumer asked me to use as he was putting his hands under my blouse. I didn’t want to put it in.  Threat multiplier? Sounds like the white man’s toxic masculine math!

Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That it is the sense of the House of Representatives that—

1. Actually I don’t know what the sense of the House is. Sometimes I sense that they want to beat Nancy Pelosi and dump her body in the woods. Other times I sense they all want to put their hands under my blouse. I’ll let the Democrats do it. But no Republicans!  I have pride you know!
2. the goals described iabove (referred to in this resolution as the ‘‘Green New Deal goals or shit that will never happen lets be honest but MSNBC likes it and always has me on”) should be accomplished through a 10-year national mobilization (referred to in this resolution as the ‘‘Definitely not a five year plan like the communists used to have because this is a ten year plan’’) that will require the following goals and projects—

a. upgrading all existing buildings in the United States and building new buildings with new stuff that is new that will make the new building very new and stuff to achieve maximal energy efficiency, water efficiency, safety, affordability, comfort, and durability.  I think it would be neat if these new building could fly too.

b.  working collaboratively with farmers (but unlike in the Soviet Union and China we will let the farmers live and have more than one child but only if they meet productivity levels and their children do not fart)  to eliminate pollution from methane farts and greenhouse gas emissions

c. overhauling transportation systems in the United States to eliminate pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from the transportation sector by eliminating cars and I know that means Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light will not be understood by future generations through investment in—
(i) zero-emission vehicle infrastructure and manufacturing (By that I mean horses who will have their anuses plugged so they can’t fart. Hey, we should do that with the cows too!)
(ii) high speed rail that shall eliminate the need for planes. This high speed rail shall be built over oceans as well so that the indigenous peoples of Hawaii can visit

d.  removing greenhouse gases from the atmosphere. Note:  In the short term we may have to eliminate the atmosphere as well but that’s okay since carbon dioxide causes almost as much global warming as farting cows.

Tomorrow:  Part IV.

(41)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As promised, and Manhattan Infidel is a man who keeps his promises as long as it doesn’t involve lending money or anything that has to do with Wink Martindale, here is part two of my continuing series into the brilliant Green New Deal.

4. global temperatures must be kept below 1.5 degrees Celsius above preindustrialized (socialized) levels to avoid the most severe impacts of a changing climate, which will require—

1. global reductions in greenhouse gas emissions from human sources of 40 to 60 percent from 2010 levels by 2030; Other houses not painted green will be exempt for now.
2. net-zero emissions by 2050; We will set this at net zero instead of zero since we do not believe we will be able to get rid of all the farting cows.  All Americans are encouraged to punch a cow in the face if you believe it may be about to fart. I wonder if we could make a deal with Central America. We’ll send them caravans of farting cows in exchange for their caravans of Latinos. (Hispanics however will not be welcome.)

Whereas, because the United States has historically been responsible for a disproportionate amount of greenhouse gas emission second only to Ireland which I hear has a lot of green houses and the Irish drink a lot which leads to gas, having emitted 20 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions through 2014, and has a high technological capacity (for now but soon to change thanks to socialism), the United States must take a leading role in reducing emissions through economic transformation to a preindustrial socialist country.

Whereas the United States is currently experiencing several related crises, with—

1. life expectancy declining due to cruel capitalism and gun violence in inner cities controlled by Democrats but maybe we shouldn’t mention the gun violence in inner cities controlled by us, while basic needs, such as clean air, clean water, healthy food, and adequate health care, housing, transportation, and education, are inaccessible to a significant portion of the United States population;
2. a 4-decade trend of economic stagnation caused by Democratic policies (um, as with gun violence in inner cities perhaps we shouldn’t mention that)
3. inadequate resources for public sector workers to confront the challenges of climate change at local, State, and Federal levels; I don’t know specifically what those inadequate resources may be but I suggest making everyone in the United States a federal employee. That way we will access to adequate resources. At least that’s what Chuck Schumer said when he leered at me and put his hand on my thigh. I didn’t mind though. He’s a Democrat and when they grope me it’s for the greater common good. Democrats are like that you know. Just wish he didn’t give me syphilis.
4. a large racial wealth divide amounting to a difference of 20 times more wealth between the average White family and the average Black family; Note:  The average black family shall be defined as one woman, seven children who have never met their fathers and one grandmother who has to raise the children after the mother overdoses.
5. a gender earnings gap that results in women earning approximately 80 percent as much as men. Then again men are worth more. We all know that. And what this has to do with global warming I don’t know. But I’m Latino which means I cannot be questioned. It’s racist to do so.

Tomorrow:  Part Three! (May Alexandria Ocasio Cortez be forever blessed).

(27)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As the entire world no doubt is aware a new savior has arisen on the horizon. Since winning election to Congress Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has enlightened us with her wisdom, eloquence and supernatural legislative ability.

Because I want to acknowledge the present and future leader of the Democratic Socialist party of America I now present the full text of her breathtakingly beautiful and practical “Green New Deal.”  This Green New Deal presents the “Sense of Congress” and as such it is our duty to obey.

Recognizing the duty of the Federal Government to create a Green New
Deal.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
Ms. OCASIO-CORTEZ submitted the following resolution; which was referred to
the Committee on ______
RESOLUTION
Recognizing the duty of the Federal Government to create
a Green New Deal.

Whereas the October 2018 report entitled ‘‘Special Report on Global Warming of 1.5oC’’ by the intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, hereinafter referred to as the Intergovernmental Panel filled with People Who Can’t Get Real Jobs,  and the November 2018 Fourth National Climate Assessment report found that—

1. human activity is the dominant cause of observed climate change over the past century; As for the unobserved climate change since it is unobserved we cannot blame it on humans. Perhaps if we had been observing the unobserved climate change we could but hey, that’s the breaks.  Unobserved climate change sounds rather spooky. Maybe Scooby Doo and his gang can find out who the culprit is.
2. a changing climate is causing sea levels to rise and an increase in wildfires, severe storms, droughts, and other extreme weather events that threaten human life, healthy communities, and critical infrastructure.  I know the moon causes sea levels to rise and fall. The common folk call this phenomenon “tides” but we know wealthy white folk are responsible.
3. global warming at or above 2 degrees Celsius beyond preindustrialized (for “preindustrialized” please understand we mean socialist countries) levels will cause—

1. mass migration from the regions most affected by climate change; And we don’t want mass migration. Unless it’s caravans from Central America coming to the Southern border of the United States.
2. more than $500,000,000,000 in lost annual economic output in the United States by the year 2100; I probably won’t be alive in 2100 so I really don’t care but I just thought I’d throw a number out here. Math is hard and no one will question the number anyway
3. wildfires that, by 2050, will annually burn at least twice as much forest area in the western United States than was typically burned by wildfires in the years preceding 2019; Wildfire. I always liked that song.  She comes down from Yellow Mountain/On a dark, flat land she rides/On a pony she named Wildfire…..oh oh oh Wildfire….wil-yile-yile-yild fire!
4. a loss of more than 99 percent of all coral reefs on Earth; The one percent that lives will be organ harvested and used in cancer patients
5. more than 350,000,000 more people to be exposed globally to deadly heat stress by 2050; 350,000,000 – that a lot of people. I wonder if they can live underground. It’s cooler there
6. a risk of damage to $1,000,000,000,000 of public infrastructure and coastal real estate in the United States; I know I’m throwing up a lot of numbers here and I apologize for that. But the white man likes numbers. They feed his toxic masculinity. When the peoples of color take over the world we shall ban math and numbers and replace them with yoga!

Tomorrow:  Part Two (May Alexandria Ocasio Cortez be forever blessed).

(48)

Would you like to be our governor?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of presenting a special message to all Americans from the Virginia General Assembly.

Take it away General Assembly!

Hello to all Americans!

We in the Virginia General Assembly would like to remind everyone what a great state Virginia is. We were one of the original 13 colonies. We used to be a lot bigger but our western counties split off during the Civil War. But the less we say about that the better.

Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes. Virginia is a historic state. So much has happened here.  Thomas Jefferson. George Washington. James Madison. James Monroe. Just some of our founding fathers that come from our commonwealth. You know who else is from our commowealth?  Bruce Hornsby. Yeah, the guy from The Range. He had a couple of hits in the ’90s. We think he tours with the surviving members of the Grateful Dead now.

It’s a historic state. What? Oh I already mentioned that.

The reason we are addressing our fellow Americans is we in Virginia are in a bit of a bind. We are a little embarrassed to mention it. It’s silly really. But we might as well tell you directly. It’s like ripping a band aid off. Do it fast. 

Here it is:

EVERYONE in our beloved commonwealth has been photographed wearing blackface. EVERYONE. 

And it’s not confined to people. Even our dogs and cats have worn blackface.

I know!  What’s the big deal?  That’s the same thing we said.

But some sticks in the mud in the media have made a big deal out of this. We don’t know why. It’s not like we voted to dismember babies just before their birth.  Actually we did vote on that but it failed. This time.

Which brings us to why we are writing.  

Since EVERYONE in our state has now been disqualified from being governor we are asking those from outside Virginia if they would like to be our governor.

Before you say no hear us out. As governor you get to set your own hours. As governor you get an office. With a bathroom! A bathroom with modern backsplash!  As governor you get a limo at your beck and call for those 2 am Subway sandwich runs.

So think about. Apply to be our governor. All applications shall be taken seriously regardless of race, gender (which is a bourgeois construct) or creed. Everyone is welcome as long as they aren’t Irish.

We just have one condition:  Have you now or in the past worn blackface? Because if you have then unfortunately you won’t be a good fit for this position.

So to recap:  Everyone is welcome to apply and anyone excepting the Irish can be governor.

We even invite television personalities to apply for the job. Having experience in the public eye a television personality would be a perfect fit for the job.

Take for instance Joy Behar. She is a well-known and popular television personality. Perhaps she would like to apply to be our governor?

What’s that?

We have just been informed that Joy Behar has admitted to wearing blackface. Unfortunately Miss Behar has disqualified herself from being governor.

So to recap:  Send us your resume with a brief essay telling us why you would make a great governor. 

Remember anyone except the Irish or those who have worn blackface can become governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia.

Oh, and we almost forgot. No one from West Virginia. We still haven’t forgiven them for leaving us during the Civil War.

I bet those West Virginian bastards wear blackface all the time!

We look forward to hearing from you.

The General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Thank you Virginia. You know I have never worn blackface. I might apply. I could use a limo for those 2 am sub runs.

(42)

Break it up!

As has become apparent the past few decades the experiment of the United States cannot survive.  We simply have nothing in common any more. The only binding element is our hatred of the other.

Since maps are not sacred, borders can be changed and the avoidance of war should be our highest priority (as it was the priority of our most underappreciated president, James Buchanan, in the months leading up to the Civil War), I now propose this modest plan to split the United States up into political tribes that can live at peace with each other.

The Red States

For all the States in the interior that normally vote Republican nothing shall change.  You shall continue to be known as the United States of America with our Constitution as your operating instrument. The Capitol can be moved to the interior city of your choice.  (As long as it’s not Denver. I hate Denver.)

Breakaway Blue States

Since it is the Blue States who have proven to be uncomfortable living under our present system I propose breaking up these states into several confederacies.

• California

California, long known as our most progressive shithole shall be renamed “Land of Oz.”  They shall rewrite their Constitution using the compassionate socialist principles of Chairman Mao as their guide. Since the internal combustion engine shall be banned, as will lightbulbs and flush toilets I suggest the residents of this new country stock up on toilet paper now. Also, defecating in public will be considered a civic duty. Murder shall be legal. All citizens shall be forced to undergo sex reassignment surgery to any of the scientifically recognized 64 genders.

• New York

New  York shall secede and be renamed “Abortopolis.”  In the country of Abortopolis all women, ages 12 and up shall be forced to become pregnant so they can experience the joy of aborting their nine-month fetus. Sadly as this will mean a lowering of the population Abortopolis will be forced to import Hispanics and have them abort their children. Since Hispanics are oppressed but not as much as blacks I further propose a so-called “3/5ths” rule. An aborted Hispanic shall count as 3/5ths of an aborted black child. They shall also count as 3/5ths of a vote when electing Abortopolis’ national legislature.

• Oregon and Washington

Oregon and Washington shall be combined into one state and sold to the Republic of Ireland. Since it rains a lot in both states Ireland will welcome their new territory with open umbrellas.

• Texas

I know what you are saying. “Wait what?  Texas is a deep Red State.”  Not anymore. It has too many illegal Hispanic immigrants who vote Democratic and who hate America. Texas will turn blue soon. So I propose annexing the southern portion of Texas closest to the border with Mexico and calling it the country of “Tejano.”  Tejanos will be a majestic, physically superior breed with massively built upper bodies (from generations of swimming across the Rio Grande.) They will also have distended stomachs from swallowing kilos of cocaine during their temp jobs as drug mules.

I believe this plan of mine is the only way to avoid bloodshed. Remember war is never inevitable. The Civil Was wasn’t inevitable and only started when our most overrated President, Abe Lincoln, decided to save the Union by killing as many Americans as he could.

This plan of mine shall become valid when approved by 3/4 of the current United States.

(28)