22 Sep 17

My Exclusive Interview With Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

I’m Danish not Dutch you idiot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of Interviewing noted European political figure, Hamlet, Prince of the Danes.

MI: Good afternoon Hamlet.

H:  ‘Tis now the very witching time of night, when church yards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world. 

MI: Um, it’s afternoon pal.

H:  If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all. 

MI: You Europeans are a strange breed.  So tell me what’s it like being a Prince?

H: It’s okay.

MI:You know I’ve never been to Holland but I understand you Dutch have a beautiful country.

H: I’m not Dutch I’m Danish!

MI: There’s a difference?

H: Yes. Do I always have to explain this to Americans?

MI: You seem depressed.

H:  I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth.

MI: I see.

H: Forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory.

MI: Um.

H: This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire! Why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

MI: Okay someone’s not getting any.

H: My love Ophelia is dead.

MI: Sorry to hear that.

H: I lov’d Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum. 

MI: How’d she die?

H: She went insane and drowned herself. Some people think I’m to blame.

MI:I ‘m sure you’re just being hard on yourself.

H: No. I did tell her I’d give her a plague for her dowry and that she’ll make a monster of any man she’d marry. I then told her to get to a nunnery. I also said God had given her one face and she makes herself another. I also told her that, and I’m quoting, “You jig and amble, and you lisp, you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance.”

MI: Wow. You really are an asshole.

H: Perhaps I am to blame for her death.

MI: No shit Sherlock.

H: Frailty thy name is woman!

MI: Let’s move along. Anything else bothering you?

H: My uncle killed my father and is sleeping with my mother. It’s got me pretty bummed.

MI: I can imagine. So what have you done about it?

H: Nothing. I’m prone to indecision and procrastination.

MI: Perfect qualities for the future King of the Dutch.

H: That’s the Danes you idiot!

MI: Calm down. Have you taken a vacation lately?

H: I have not.

MI: I usually go to a resort on the Adriatic. Nice, warm and sunny. I tell you I love the Baltics.

H: That’s the Balkans you jerk!

MI: Whatever. Boy you Europeans sure are sensitive. Anyway that’s about all the time we have.

H: To be, or not to be- that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die- to sleep- No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

MI: You Dutch talk funny.

H: Danish!  Danish!

MI: No thanks I’m on a diet.

And so ended my interview with the whiny, killed his girlfriend, indecisive future king of Dutchland.

(7)

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21 Sep 17

Wolfman to Try ManScaping!

Chicks dig smooth now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Wolfman, citing changing styles, has announced that he will go “full manscaping” for the immediate future.

“I blame fashion” said the Wolfman.

I’m just a simple, humble Wolfman trying to make a living and get my freak on. I used to have great success with the ladies. They dug my hairy, unkempt look. I mean they really dug it. I had to fight the ladies off. All I had to do was unbutton my shirt a little bit, show them my fur and tell them my soul is cursed. My pickup line always worked:  “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.” They thought I was a troubled man with the soul of a poet. Chicks dig poets. So I was a hairy, troubled poet.

But recently the Wolfman was striking out with the ladies.

When I’d unbutton my shirt they would go “Eww gross.” Some would even throw up. I had one woman ask me if I was Eastern European. “They are a hairy race” she said.  “Hairy and all in the Mafia.” I had to tell her I wasn’t in the Mafia. She seemed disappointed. But it wasn’t just her. No one wanted me anymore. I went from threesomes to pleasuring myself while watching porn on my iPad. Talk about a fall from grace.

Soon he found himself mistaken for a hipster.

That was the last straw. A hipster? Even hipsters can’t stand hipsters. I’m not a hipster. I’m just an ordinary werewolf who wants to rip peoples throats out every full moon. Is that too much to ask?

Unable to get some girlie action and outnumbered by a new breed of smooth metrosexuals, the Wolfman decided that if he couldn’t beat them he would join them.

I made an appointment at a salon and told them I wanted the full manscaping treatment. They were a little taken aback when they saw me and had to bring in more manscapers. They also charged me extra for clean up. Apparently the board of health frowns upon back hair all over the floor. But it was totally worth it. Except for the painful hot wax treatments. I am now smoother than a male stripper or a Canadian. Let’s see the ladies try to resist me now.  Sure it took some getting used to. Chafing down there is always a problem. I miss my chest hair too but you have to do what you have to do. 

The newly smooth Wolfman can now be found hanging around bars at closing time.

“I should have manscaped myself a long time ago” he said.  “Smooth is the way to go. I’m getting more action than Justin Bieber!”

(4)

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20 Sep 17

Declaration of Independence Placed on Index of Prohibited Books!

This is a racist document

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Democratic Party (“The Party”) today added the Declaration of Independence to its Index of Prohibited Books, joining The Bible (anti-gender fluidity), the Adventures of Tom Sawyer (the “N” word) and anything written by Stephen King (too scary).

“For too long we have tolerated this document” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez.

After the alt-right violence at Charlottesville the time has come to bury this racist document once and for all. The Declaration of Independence was written by a white slave holder. The entire document enshrines the right of white supremacy. It must no longer be tolerated. It must no longer be taught in our schools Suppress it. Burn it. Expunge it from our memory.

Vermont socialist and thought leader Bernie Sanders seconded the banning of the Declaration.

Nowhere in this so-called Declaration of so-called independence is the right to free healthcare or the redistribution of income mentioned. The entire document is an ode to capitalism at its worst. And yet we call this document great?  We celebrate it every year. Why?  Instead of this document I suggest we set aside a day to celebrate the United Nations. Perhaps the UN Charter can replace the Declaration of Independence. Socialism yes. Capitalism no. I’m actually 27 years old but capitalism has aged me beyond my years.

2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, while not calling outright for banning the Declaration, seemed to suggest that she is open to the idea.

I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror… Horror has a face… and that face is the Declaration of Independence. I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor while reading the Declaration of Independence. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. What are they going to say about me? What? Are they going to say I was a kind woman? I was a wise woman? I had plans? I had wisdom? Bullshit, man! 

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the moral necessity of banning the Declaration.

Have you ever read the Declaration of Independence?  We must not read it so we cannot find out what’s in it. Every month 500 million Americans lose their jobs because of the Declaration of Independence. Boom goes the dynamite. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. Shaka. When the walls fell! Temba, his arms wide. 

If the Democrats are successful in banning the Declaration of Independence it will leave a void on July 4th. Some have suggested that Americans plant trees or give to a transgender charity.

“Only gender fluidity can prevent climate change” said former Vice President Al Gore.  “I mean come on!  Do you want the f*cking polar bears to drown? What the hell is wrong with you people? That does it. I’m having a cheeseburger and farting in the wind. F*ck you all.”

(28)

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19 Sep 17

Barney the Dinosaur Arrested by FBI!

So I like to gamble on horses. Who doesn’t?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Popular children’s show personality Barney the Dinosaur was arrested this morning at his upper west side penthouse and charged with wire fraud. If convicted he faces a possible 45-year sentence.

“He was running a ponzi scheme” said the FBI agent who arrested him.

He milked his fans of hundreds of thousands of dollars. After his television show as cancelled he set up a phony corporation called “Barney Productions Ltd.” and promised investors inside access to his creative mind. I guess lots of people took the bait. His public image was very family friendly and innocent and naturally people trusted him with their money. It just goes to show you that what you see on TV isn’t always reality.

If the charges are true it would represent a stunning downfall for the once-popular TV personality.

When Barney & Friends debuted in 1992 it propelled the purple anthropomorphic tyrannosaurus rex to international superstardom. Using songs, dance routines and a sunny, optimistic attitude he captured the world’s heart. Even Barney telling a reporter that he was “more popular than Jesus Christ” could not dampen his appeal.

But behind the scenes PBS executives worried about Barney’s new-found love for gambling.

“He was always at the race track” said one.

Naturally there was some concern. I mean gambling would not mix with the family-friendly persona we had created. One day I asked him point blank, “Barney why do you go to the race track? Are you gambling?” You know what he told me?  “I’m not going there to suck d*ck in rest rooms.” Frankly we would have preferred he was as most of us at PBS do that.  But since we were making so much money from Barney and Friends it was decided to do nothing. We didn’t want to kill the golden goose.

Barney’s gambling addiction only grew over the years and soon he was betting on everything.

“One time he bet me he could eat macaroni and cheese faster than I could” said the green triceratops Baby Bop.

I mean there wasn’t even any money involved in the wager. He just wanted to gamble. He beat me but afterwards got very sick and threw up all over one of the crew. Fortunately it was only the prop master whom we all hated anyway.

Once the show was cancelled and needing money to finance his elite lifestyle Barney began his ponzi scheme. Soon he had bilked fans and Hollywood associates of millions. But suspicions arose that Barney could not possibly be posting such great returns and eventually investors began asking for their money.

Knowing that an arrest was imminent Barney made plans to move to France where he couldn’t be extradited.  However the FBI got to him first.

As he was led away in handcuffs fans spat upon their former idol. Many who had lost their life’s savings threatened to kill him.

Barney appeared unrepentant.

“Prison is easy time. All I have to do is suck some guard’s d*ck and I’ll be out of the laundry room and stealing the warden’s money. You can bet on it!”

(4)

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18 Sep 17

Spam! The How Did You Get My Number Edition

Who wants spam?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being a well-known to homeland security and popular to my mother blogger I have to deal with frequent spam. It’s been awhile since my last spam post so please sit back and enjoy the latest edition of A Visit to the Spam Factory™.  A Visit to the Spam Factory not valid where prohibited by law.

Also I am not wearing any pants as I write this, which is kind of odd seeing as I’m at work right now.

Trans2000 writes:

Good afternoon F*ck me and fill my mouth with sweet cum. What about oral sex you tell me and I’ll give you a Blowjob?

I’m sorry I think you were trying to reach Anthony Weiner because I am not the person who sexts total strangers. But just out of curiosity how did you get my number and are you Asian? An Asian wearing a French maid outfit perhaps?

LeiLemini writes:

I want you let’s have passionate sex!

Honestly I don’t know how these people got my email address. I’m not into online sexting at all! I don’t care how many of my so-called “chat sessions” the NSA has on record.

Barbara_Faraway writes:

I think what you posted was actually very reasonable.

Yeah I know what you really mean. No I won’t engage in explicitly detailed online sexual fantasies with you. Please lady leave me alone. You do sound hot though. Okay I’ll send you a photo of my penis but just this once!

Christy192 writes:

Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog. Is it very hard to set up your own blog? I’m not very technical but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to start.

You don’t know where to start? How about we start with me running my hands all over your naked body? That is if I were into online sex chat. Which I so am not. At all.

Karen Flash writes:

Hello There. I discovered your blog. That is an extremely smartly written article. I’ll make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your helpful information. Thank you for the post. I’ll definitely return.

I know you’ll return and we can take turns flashing each other. Now that’s something I’d say if I were into that sort of thing. And I’m not. At all. I’m not just saying that on the advice of my lawyer (who is an exhibitionist French maid outfit wearing pole dancer in her spare time.)

Jenny Free 1970 writes:

Our team is a unique producer of quality fake documents. We offer only original high-quality fake passports, driver’s licenses, ID cards, stamps and other products for a number of countries like: USA, Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Italy, Finland, France, Germany, Netherlands, Spain, United Kingdom. This list is not full.

Why would I need fake documents unless you want to role play with me? I see it now. We are two young, very hot lovers on the run from the East German police and we have rough, Teutonic, blond athletic sex all throughout East Germany. Nice. I like this role play. Not that I’m into that sort of thing. Not at all.

 

And there you have it. My latest edition of Spam. I apologize readers for the adult nature of this post. It’s not my fault if everyone keeps sending me sexually explicit email. Okay implicit. Okay implied.

I really should put my pants back on before anyone notices. Unless by noticing we could role play?  Hmm.

(5)

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15 Sep 17

My Exclusive Interview with Hillary Clinton

Get of of my way you bitch!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I was planning on doing a post on all my spam. But then failed Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton showed up and demanded an interview.

HC: Manhattan Infidel I want to talk to you!

MI: Hillary Clinton, failed presidential candidate. How may I help you?

HC: Failed?  You are absolutely deplorable.  I want to talk to you about sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia and all the reasons I lost the election.

MI: I thought you lost because you’re a bitter, unlikable alcoholic?

HC:  Who said I was unlikable?

[Hillary pulls a flask from her blue jump suit.]

HC: I never go anywhere without my flask. It helps ease the pain of racism, misogyny, Islamophobia, Russian interference in our election, James Comey, misogyny – 

MI: You already mentioned misogyny.

HC: Misogyny is very important. It’s rampant in toxic patriarchal America.  Anyway, misogyny, you had the unprecedented intervention by an FBI director. You had a foreign adversary successfully influence the election. You had voter suppression aimed primarily at African Americans and young voters. And you had sexism, which was front and center.

MI: Voter suppression? Why would Republicans want to suppress the African vote?

HC: Because Africans have always been very loyal to the Democrats going all the way back to the days when we owned them.

MI: What?

HC: I didn’t say that.  Anyway what was done to us in this election. Every day that goes by, we seem to learn more about the interference and the profound impact of that on the outcome. And that should terrify every American. We cannot tolerate being manipulated by a foreign power, especially one that is so bent on destabilizing democracy as Russia and its current leadership is. Who knows, if it weren’t for the loyalty of our African underclass the election would not have even been close. God bless our loyal Africans. You know they’ve always been loyal to Democrats going way back to the days we owned them.

MI: Again. What?

HC: I didn’t say that.

MI: Say what?

HC: About our loyal Africans who have always been very loyal to the Democrats back to when we owned them.

MI: You sure you want to say that?

HC: Say what?  I didn’t say anything.

MI: I see. Anything else you want to blame your loss on?

HC: Yes. Kate Upton.

MI:Kate Upton?

HC: I invited her up to my hotel room. I said “How’d you like to spend the night in the hotel room of the first women elected president?”  I just wanted to touch her. 

No you can’t touch me

No you can’t touch me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: I don’t blame you. I’d love to touch Kate Upton as well.

HC: I know. But she wouldn’t let me touch her. SHE WOULDN’T LET ME TOUCH HER! She said she couldn’t cheat on her fiancee, some baseball player.

MI: Sucks to be you.

HC: She wouldn’t let me touch her!  I lost the election because she wouldn’t let me touch her.

MI: That sounds logical.

HC: Thank god for the loyalty of our Africans. They have always been loyal to us going back to when we owned them.

MI: There you go again. Are you sure you want to say that?

HC: Say what?  I didn’t say anything.

And so ended my interview with the eminently logical, always says the right thing, Hillary Clinton.

(32)

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14 Sep 17

My Exclusive Interview with New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio)

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is election time here in Gotham and our beloved mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) is running for a second term. I recently had the chance to sit down with him and talk about what he wants to accomplish in his second term.

MI: Good afternoon your honor.

WWJ: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is always a pleasure to speak directly to the good comrades of New York City. I have had a wildly successful first term and for my second term – 

MI:  That’s assuming you win re-election.

WWJ: [Sigh] Comrade my reign shall continue. The subjects of New York appreciate my strong leadership. They appreciate my attempts to redistribute income according to compassionate socialist principles.

MI: But there is a primary next week and then the general election.

WWJ: [Sigh] These elections really do get in the way of establishing the socialist workers’ paradise. They are a holdover to the old ways of white supremacy and the Constitution. Our legal system favors elections. Many of my colleagues in the Party would like to change this and just let us rule. We will rule benevolently and for the good of the subjects of New York City. 

MI: The subjects?

WWJ: Yes. Subject to the benevolent rule of their natural superiors in the Party.

MI: Okay well let’s talk about the subways. They are a mess.

WWJ: [Sigh] This talk of subways bores me. Like subways are important. I’d rather talk about gender fluidity.

MI: Gender fluidity?

WWJ: Yes. New York City is gender fluid friendly. We recognize all 31 genders. My subjects agree that protecting the rights of the gender fluid is the most important issue facing New York today.

MI: Even more important than our crappy subways?

WWJ: [Sigh] I grow bored with your bourgeois prattling. I want to talk about my plans to abolish private property.

MI: Abolish private property?

WWJ:  Yes. Our legal system is structured to favor private property. This is not what the people want. My subjects want the city government to determine every single plot of land and how development would proceed. That’s a world I’d love to see.

MI:  Wow. But wouldn’t that get rid of incentive to work hard? To better oneself? To move up the economic ladder?

WWJ: [Sigh]

MI: You sigh a lot.

WWJ: Yes I do. As a benevolent ruler it always pains me when I have to send one of my subjects to a re-education camp.

MI: What are you talking about?

WWJ: I have determined that you are a capitalist. You must be re-educated to lose your capitalist thought. Therefore I will have my security team take you to a work camp. Work will set you free, comrade.

MI: A re-education camp? You mean a gulag?

WWJ: Call it what you will. You must be purified.

[Security guards surround Manhattan Infidel]

MI: Wait. Where are you taking me?

WWJ: The Bronx.

MI: No! Not the Bronx! Anything but the Bronx. I’ll be good. I love socialism. I really do. I’ve been a socialist since I was a baby. I redistributed my poop every chance I got! No!  Don’t send me to the Bronx!

And so I was taken away to the Bronx. I was lucky to escape. All I had to do was find a way to make myself useful to my captors. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. i have about ten pounds of cocaine shoved up my butt that needs to come out.

(16)

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13 Sep 17

North Korea Tests Their Most Advanced Beer Keg Yet!

This has a CO2 cartridge inside?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world is on alert tonight as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea successfully tested their most advanced and weaponized beer keg to date.

“The American dogs shall feel the wrath of our new and improved beer kegs” said the corpulent leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.

No longer will the capitalist dogs taunt us with their pressurized beer kegs. Before our kegs did not come with CO2  so if you bought our 5 liter keg you had to drink it all at once or the beer would go bad within 12 to 24 hours. But our socialist scientists have successfully put a CO2 cartridge inside the keg. Now you don’t have to worry about your beer going bad. You can keep the keg for up to 30 days. That’s right! Thirty days!  And yes I know Heineken says we stole their patented beertender technology but I spit on those Americans and yes I know Heineken is a Dutch company. By the way who are the Dutch? Is that Denmark? Those are the Danish? Will someone answer my question?  Who are the Dutch? They are The Netherlands? Well where is Holland? Holland are the Dutch? I thought they were the Danish? How can The Netherlands be Holland?  This is just another attempt by the American dogs to confuse me!

At the United Nations U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley called North Korea’s latest beer keg test a “provocation” and called for sanctions.

“The entire world stands on the precipice of war” declared Haley.

We must not, we can not allow North Korea to continue their beer keg tests. A North Korean beer keg with a CO2 cartridge could endanger Guam and the entire west coast of the United States. Surely Kim Jong-Un knows we will strike to defend ourselves? Sober North Koreans are dangerous but a North Korean who knows the beer in his keg won’t go bad for up to 30 days in intolerable. You know who else is intolerable? The Danish that’s who. I punched one in college. Where are the Danish anyway? Are they from Holland? What do you mean the Dutch are from Holland? Well who the hell lives in The Netherlands then?  The Netherese? You know what screw this. If anyone needs me I’ll be at that bar.

General Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has assured President Trump that the U.S. military is ready to bomb any North Korean beer keg manufacturing facility.

“If the President gives the order we are ready” said Dunford.

Our brave Air Force pilots and naval aviators are more than up to the task. I also want to take this occasion to apologize to the Dutch. We meant to bomb the Danish.

Despite America’s strong stand, North Korea says they will continue to improve and test their beer keg technology.

“Nothing can stop us now” said Kim Jong-Un.  “Unless it’s a spy from The Netherlands pretending he’s a Danish man from Holland.”

(15)

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12 Sep 17

Coast Guard Calls off Search for S.S. Minnow!

Perhaps the ship is aground on the shore of some uncharted desert island?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Coast Guard announced today that is is ending their search for the missing S.S. Minnow.

“At this point we are switching from rescue to recovery mode” said Coast Guard commandant Paul Zukunft.

This is a tragedy and my hearts go out to the families of the Skipper and Gilligan. Though I understand they had no families and lived together. Will we ever find the wreckage?  I don’t know. The Pacific is pretty deep in this area. If they broke up in the storm then unfortunately we won’t find anything. But I always like to leave hope.  There is one thing I know for sure. The mate was a mighty sailing man and the Skipper was brave and sure. They set sail that day with five passengers for a three hour tour. Now it is true that the weather started getting rough. I assume the tiny ship was tossed. But the crew had a spotless reputation. I’m sure they used much courage keeping their passengers safe. If not the Minnow would be lost, that’s for sure.

Though the situation appears bleak there is hope.

We know from the ship manifest that one of the passengers was a professor. Well technically he’s a high school science teacher. But he does have degrees from USC, UCLA, SMU and TCU. So he’s got to be pretty intelligent. If they did run aground on the shore of some uncharted desert island you can bet that the professor would be able to find a way to rebuild the boat and bring them back to civilization. Unless he’s a total idiot of course. But that goes without saying.

There is speculation that the Minnow was sabotaged by one of its passengers, Thurston Howell III, who had been under indictment for wire fraud.

This Howell is a Republican. You know how they are. He was facing a lot of time in prison. Perhaps he wasn’t man enough to do the time. If he did sabotage the boat it’s just a shame that he had to take out the other passengers, including the movie star.

The movie star is of course up-and-rising sex symbol Ginger Grant, voted by People magazine as one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world.

I actually saw her show the night before she boarded the Minnow. I have a photo of her boarding the Minnow wearing the same evening gown from her last performance. I would crawl across cut glass for an evening with her. It’s a shame her career and possibly her life had to end like this. I hear she was the favorite to be the next James Bond. Gender is a fluid thing you know. Just like the oceans we protect.

As a last chance gasp at finding the wreckage the Coast Guard announced that side scanning sonar will be employed.

“I’m not optimistic” said Zukunft.

“The Skipper must have know that bad weather was coming. Unless he was a total idiot of course. But that goes without saying.”

(17)

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11 Sep 17

In Moving Ceremony on 9/11 Anniversary Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Dedicates Monument to Mohamed Atta!

A Patriot and lover of the glorious principles of socialism

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixteen years after the 9/11 man-caused incident at the World Trade Center, New York’s compassionate and progressive mayor officiated at a ceremony in midtown at the former Columbus Circle.

In the moving two-part event the vestiges of white power and colonialism were removed as the statue of Columbus was torn off its pedestal and replaced by one of Mohamed Atta. The circle was then renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.”

“Sixteen years ago our smug, insular capitalist existence was destroyed and scales fell from our eyes” declared the much-admired mayor.

I remember where I was when I first heard about this this man-caused disaster. I was teaching a seminar on overthrowing the capitalist, Christian order when one of my students told me that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. My first thought was “White Christian Republican men! Is there nothing they aren’t capable of?” Later when I found out that they hijackers were adherents of the religion of peace I concluded that this was a teachable moment. Not only was a cathedral of capitalism torn down but people would become curious about Islam and its many progressive tenets. For Islam is also the religion of socialism. Like socialism it is peaceful, redistributionist and moral. I wanted to get our daughter genitally mutilated but was prevented by laws currently in place. It was then that I vowed if I ever became mayor to promote the principles of Islam and to destroy the last vestiges of colonialism and capitalism.

As the crowd chanted “Death to cisgender colonial capitalism” the statue of the monster Christopher Columbus was taken down.

It was then placed in a box, carried to the Hudson River and dumped into the water, never to befoul the enraged, progressive citizens of New York City again.

Next came the unveiling of the statue of Mohamed Atta.

The crowd cheered and many wept. Some threw flowers at it. One woman produced a blade and genitally mutilated herself in honor of the brave martyr of The Prophet.

Attached to the statue was the inscription:

Mohamed Atta

Hero to all

Martyr and feminist

Capitalism is dead

You shall serve The Prophet!

Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then declared the circle to be renamed “Mohamed Atta Circle.”

“A new dawn has begun” declared the handsome, progressive, compassionate, brave and always on time mayor.

We are emerging from the darkness of our Constitution and Judeo-Christian values (which are nothing but a cover for cruel, unfettered capitalism) into the light of socialism and Islam. We are ushering in an era of peace and tranquility. Also by honoring Mohamed Atta we show the Jews that we are not afraid of them. We are friends of the prophet. We also ask Israel to return all occupied territory to its rightful owners. Allah bless you. Socialism bless you. Please disperse to your homes.

To honor The Prophet more fully Mayor Wilhelm Jr. then ordered the electrical grid shut down and all internal plumbing within City limits removed.  In the place of capitalistic flush toilets outhouses shall be put on every block.

“In time I want to see all New Yorkers throwing their urine and feces out windows. This will make Allah happy.”

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