On Day Trump is Inaugurated Hollywood Announces Movies About New President

We in Hollywood are true to our mission statement: Producing propaganda for the Democrats

We in Hollywood are true to our mission statement: Producing propaganda for the Democrats

After eight years of basking in the glow of the “smartest man in the room” Hollywood will have to make the painful adjustment of living under the Trump presidency.

“We in Hollywood take our mission seriously” said a studio executive.

And that mission is to provide propaganda for the Democrats. Oh, and if possible, entertain the rubes. Oh who am I kidding. Hollywood hasn’t worried about entertainment in decades. We’re here to provide progressive entertainment that progressive people will approve of.

“Things were easy when Obama was president” said a prominent actor.

We just turned our gaze to the east and let him organize us. It was a communion of minds. We in Hollywood represent the best and the brightest, the elite if you will. President Obama in Washington came down from the heavens. Elite to elite. But now that Trump is president we must declare war on the undereducated white men of America.

As Donald Trump was being sworn in as President two major motion pictures were green-lighted that will tell the tale of Trump.

The first movie will be called “Trump Armegeddon.

In Trump Armegeddon, scientists discover that the existence of Trump will wipe out all life on Earth and plan on detonating a thermonuclear device deep within Trump that will split him in two, saving all life on Earth.

Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck have already signed on to play deep-sea oil drillers tasked with drilling into Trump.

“it’s very scientifically accurate” said the film’s producer.

We contacted Neil deGrasse Tyson, who is Hollywood’s scientific adviser, and he told us that detonating a nuclear device deep within Trump would save the world. Our only problem was with congressman John Lewis who was worried that splitting Trump in two would create two illegitimate presidents.

The second movie will be a documentary called “An Inconvenient Trump.”

Narrated by former Vice President and global warming activist Al Gore, the documentary will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the existence of Donald Trump causes glaciers to melt, polar bears to drown and ocean levels to rise.

No one wants sea levels to rise. If sea levels rise then the coast of California will be underwater and we’d all have to move to, I don’t know, Kansas or Nebraska or some other backward state. Nobody wants to live in Kansas or Nebraska except Americans. And those who live in Hollywood are better than that.

The documentary has also been vetted for accuracy by Neil deGrasse Tyson who told producers that he “doesn’t know much about science but this shit rings true.”

Congressman John Lewis makes a cameo in the documentary where he tells the audience that because of Trump’s global warming effect he is not to be considered a “legitimate president.”

Both films will be released this summer and have already been nominated for several Academy awards.

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Village of Honahlee Overrun by Lying, Dirty, Thieving Hippies!

See these assholes? No one wants them in Honahlee any more.

See these assholes? No one wants them in Honahlee any more.

The mayor of Honahlee called an emergency session of the town board after an influx of hippies disrupted the community.

“We’re a small village not used to outsiders” said the mayor.

But since that song came out about Puff the Magic Dragon, everyone thinks were some sort of goddamn Woodstock. I can’t take it any longer. The town can’t take it any longer. We need a solution!

The head of Honahlee’s Chamber of Commerce spoke next.

“This is killing our business” he declared.

People are afraid to come out of their homes now, especially at night. And if people are afraid they won’t be spending money. Why the other day I opened up my garage door to go to work and a hippie was in my driveway. He asked me for change and if I knew a good place to frolic. I turned my garden hose on him and said “Take a bath you damn hippie!”  They’re killing us!  F*ck Peter, Paul and Mary and that damn song. 

The Village’s Sheriff outlined how his jail is reaching capacity because of the influx of hippies looking to frolic.

I have a zero tolerance policy to these filthy animals. If I see a hippie I arrest him and throw his thieving ass in jail. But now I have no available beds. They are all filled with hippies. And being hippies none of them can make bail. But it gets worse. The damn noise! They started a drum circle in the prison. Dozens of bongos all going at once. Sometimes they were dancing. I had to taser them all. You know my prison is never going to be clean again. I’ll have to fumigate the place.

A mother walking her child to school tells of a frightening incident with a pack of wild hippies.

There was about six of them. I could smell them before I saw them. Then they surrounded us and asked where they could find Puff the Magic Dragon. “We just want to frolic with him. Do you think he’d want to join our drum circle?” My child started crying. She didn’t understand why the adults were wearing sandals and t shirts during the week.

So concerned were residents that “No Frolicking” signs were placed all around town. Unfortunately they had no effect.

Resigned to a permanent influx of hippies it was decided by the Village fathers to restrict frolicking to certain areas and times of day.

“We want the hippie frolickers away from children and schools” said the mayor.

Keep the hippies segregated to the beach areas during off hours. If we can’t see them or hear them then it’s not our problem. Also the hippies will have to apply for a “frolicking” license at the town hall. Once the license is approved they will be granted access to the few designated frolicking areas. Also they will get a bar of soap. Just saying. This had better work. And they had better clean up after themselves or I’m sending some teamsters to kick their ass!

As a backup in case nothing else works, the Village’s chief counsel has initiated a lawsuit against Peter, Paul and Mary.

“They’ve defamed us with this Puff and frolicking shit. We’re going to make them pay!”

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Manhattan Infidel Presents: Pledge Drive Time!

Give me money!

Give me money!

Being a blogger is a rewarding life:  money, fame, women, Saturday nights cleaning the grout on the bathroom tiles.

But being a blogger is also expensive: travel, wardrobe, private yachts new grout for my bathroom tiles.

Because of this I am announcing my first annual pledge drive, where my loyal readers reader promise to give me money. So without further delay I present the different levels of membership.

  • The Bronze Level

If you pledge 50 dollars you will become a Bronze Level Manhattan Infidel subscriber.  Bronze Level subscribers will receive a commemorative gift plate and an autographed photo of me cleaning the grout in my bathroom on a Saturday night. Imagine how you will beam with pride as you hang the photo of yours truly cleaning bathroom grout in your cubicle at work. Everyone will be jealous!

  • The Silver Level

For a 200 dollar pledge you gain access to the Silver Level. Silver Level subscribers will receive TWO autographed photos of me cleaning the grout in my bathroom on a Saturday night.  That’s right. TWO autographed photos. And a commemorative dinner plate. You can hang both photos in your cubicle. Can you say promotion?

  • The Gold Level

A one-time gift of 500 US dollars will give you Gold Level membership. With Gold Level membership you will receive a commemorative gift plate AND plastic silverware (sporks included).  You will also get three, yes three autographed pictures of me.  Two of me cleaning the grout in my bathroom on a Saturday night and one of me using a plunger on the toilet on a Saturday night.  In addition I will send one personalized text every month for only the additional cost of ten dollars per word (emojis count as words.)

  • The Platinum Level

Platinum Level Subscribers (800 US dollars) will receive a commemorative gift plate, plastic silverware with sporks included AND napkins. They will also get four, yes, four autographed pictures of me. Two of me cleaning the grout in my bathroom, one of me using a plunger on the toilet and one of me scrubbing the bathtub, one text and three phone calls per month. Granted the calls will be at 3 am, I will probably be drunk and will send you photos of my penis, but they are phone calls. Or I might possibly be suffering from a bad acid trip and need you to talk me down. Or I might be calling to ask you if you could pay my bail. But it’s a phone call that shows I care.

  • The Gold-Pressed Latinum Level (Official currency of the Alpha Quadrant and space station Deep Space Nine)

For a gift of 1,000 dollars subscribers at this level will receive everything Platinum Level subscribers get but I will deliver them personally as I intend to move in with you. Let’s face it. Rents are unreasonable in Manhattan. Imagine how your friends will look up to you when you tell them that the famous blogger Manhattan Infidel is in your bathroom cleaning your grout! Yes, for one thousand dollars I will sleep on your couch, raid your fridge and view questionable internet sites on your laptop. Don’t pass up this opportunity!

Act now!  Operators are standing by! This offer is valid for a limited time only!

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Vulcan Dating Site “Our Logical Time” Debuts

This is our logical time!

This is our logical time!

The planet Vulcan of the United Federation of Planets, long on the forefront of technology and intellectual development, achieved another first today with the opening of an all-Vulcan dating site.

“I sensed a void in the Vulcan soul” said Our Logical Time’s founder and CEO Chu’lak

Millions upon millions of Vulcans screaming out and reaching me. They all said the same thing:  I need to mate. With Vulcans living busy modern Vulcan lives it can be difficult to find a partner. Most people think we mate only during the Pon Farr. This is incorrect as a visit to any town on Vulcan that hosts Spring Break will show. It is flawlessly logical that a new method of meeting potential mates had to be developed. That is why I created “Our Logical Time” where Vulcans can meet like-minded Vulcans for logic, philosophy and other activities.

Already the site has drawn rave reviews and seen many success stories.

“I am respected and successful” said Surak the Vulcan.

But one thing was missing: A mate. Sure there have been women. Lots of women. I mean who can resist my “come hither” look?

Hey baby, you Pon Farr often?

Hey baby, you Pon Farr often?

Still, I needed something more. So I joined Our Logical Time. Within minutes I had many potential mates. I found one whom I believe is my soul mate. We have so much in common. We love poetry, long walks on the beach and are smack dab in the middle our our Pon Farr. Let’s just say we’ve wrecked a few hotel rooms. We even got kicked out of one. The manager said we were making too much noise. To make noise during mating is only logical. So I don’t see what his problem was. He must be half-human.

Buoyed by the success of Our Logical Time, many competitors have entered the nascent Vulcan online dating field. One such site is TinderVulcan.

“Look we’re all adults” said TinderVulcan’s founder.

And my site is what it is: A place to hook up. To deny our biological urges is illogical. We might as well enjoy ourselves while we can. So when a person signs up to our site his Facebook profile photos are imported and they write a few words about themselves. All they have to do is swipe right for potential matches or swipe left for those they aren’t interested in. Now look at this girl. She’s into philosophy, Klingon opera and threesomes with Aldebaran shellmouths.  I’m definitely swiping right.

Still not everyone is happy with Vulcan online dating.

“It’s a sign of the disintegration of Vulcan society” said Spock (pictured here).

Kids nowadays have no respect.

Kids nowadays have no respect.

In my day we waited until the Pon Farr.  The Pon Farr is sacred and should be respected. All this constant mating is illogical and undermines old-fashioned Vulcan morality. Now everywhere I go Vulcans are mating. In hotel rooms, in elevators, on top of desks. Hell it’s like I’m back on the Enterprise watching my former captain James T. Kirk. I don’t like it. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just an old stick in the mud.

Our Logical Time is available for a one time offer of two gold-pressed latinum bars.

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Manhattan Infidel Presents: An Exclusive Peek at the CIA’s Intelligence on Trump!

This man is a Russian spy. And quite possibly killed Paul McCartney

This man is a Russian spy. And quite possibly killed Paul McCartney

With the inauguration one week away much has been written on the so-called “Trump-Russia” connection. Because I care about the future of America my account to those Asian porn sites has been deactivated and I have nothing else to do I will now present in its entirety the full CIA dossier on our President-elect.

  1. TRUMP along with his team of operatives, regularly cheat while playing dungeons and dragons.
  2. TRUMP pushed a homeless man in front of a subway car. Our evidence indicates that he laughed and said “Bitches” while doing this. The CIA feels this is indicative of his mental instability.
  3. On May 24th 2009, while walking through Central Park in an attempt to beat up the homeless, TRUMP did stop at a hot dog cart and ordered one hot dog. HE DECLINED AN OFFER FOR MUSTARD ON HIS DOG. CIA interpretations for this are divided but the consensus is he’s probably an alien, most likely Romulan. According to our sources Romulans have an aversion to mustard. We have kept a close eye on him since then. While not openly hostile like Klingons, Romulans are sneaky and subversive, much like redheads.
  4. As a young man, TRUMP traveled to Hollywood and convinced the producers of Bewitched to fire Dick York and replace him with Dick Sargent. He also suggested that Sargent change his name to “Dick Lieutenant.”  While the producers did not change his name they did hire Sargent, resulting in three years of, in the professional opinion of the CIA, “very sucky” Bewitched.
  5. In the early 1970s,TRUMP invented the eight-track tape. Our best intelligence indicates he did this to destabilize American society so he could lead a coup against all that is decent and right in our world.
  6. While the evidence on this is unsubstantiated and admittedly controversial, the Agency believes that TRUMP ordered the Beatles to fire Pete Best. Though only 16 at the time he was already well on the way to becoming a total bastard.
  7. Evidence presented to us by our East German sources states that on our about April 12th, 2013 TRUMP came into possession of a time machine and traveled to first century Palestine to corner the real estate market. TRUMP may also have witnessed the Crucifixion of Christ. According to documents obtained in the Nag Hamadi library (Gospel of the Orange One, fragment 17B), an orange bystander shouted “You’re fired” to which Christ responded “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”
  8. TRUMP once attended a New York Rangers hockey game and asked “When halftime was?”  This shows he is unfit to be President.
  9. Sources in MI6 have sent us a document that says that sometime in the fall of 1966 TRUMP, while vacationing in England, ran over and killed Paul McCartney with his car. The surviving Beatles were given hush money by Trump’s father and a Welsh actor with a resemblance to McCartney was hired to replace him. MI6 says this report is “factually incorrect though true in spirit.” We disagree and believe it is factually accurate.
  10. A contractor for the CIA, quoting a source who heard it second hand, tells us that TRUMP has repeatedly shown a preference for Susanna Hoffs over Belinda Carlisle. While not in itself disqualifying him from the Presidency it is a symptom of moral depravity. The Agency feels that TRUMP should be assassinated at the earliest opportunity and we have outsourced this to the Department of  Education’s SWAT Team, which as we all know is a highly effective killing machine.

The evidence presented by the CIA is incontrovertible: Trump is unfit to be President! And I trust the CIA!

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With Eight Days Left as President, Obama Issues New Directives

I'm too legit to quit!

I’m too legit to quit!

With his time as Chief Executive fast approaching an end, President Obama proved again that he intends to use his remaining time to accomplish the fundamental transformation of America.

The Executive Orders were announced on the White House website with a personal note from the President.

“My fellow Americans” began Obama.

It has been an honor to represent California, Illinois and New York these past eight years. I became your President with a promise to fundamentally transform this racist, homophobic, xenophobic, anti-Muslim nation. Due to obstruction from Republicans I have not been able to do this. However I have not given up. Therefore with a week left I feel it necessary to bypass Congress and issue the following Executive Orders. Thank you.

As a service to my readers I now present the full and complete list of Executive Orders:

  • The week shall now consist of two 84 hour days called “Michelle” and “Barack.”
  • Those who work more than 28 hours in any given day shall be granted overtime.
  • Everyone travelling north to south or east to west must drive on the left side of the street. Those driving from south to north or west to east must drive on the right side of the street.
  • Winter will become a time for a three-month long bacchanalia of decadence, involving sex, drugs and repeated viewings of Gomer Pyle.
  • Parents can now legally sell their children on eBay.
  • Children, however, cannot sell their parents, unless said parents do not support their trans-identity.
  • The Pacific Ocean shall be drained so we can all walk to China.
  • The words “be” “our” and “at” shall be abolished. In place of these words, one short fart shall signal “be”, two short farts shall stand for “our” and one long fart, I mean really really long fart will mean “at.”
  • Two long farts shall be punishable by death, unless the perp really mean one long fart but was eating a lot of cheese.
  • Joe Biden is a vampire. God it’s good to get that off my chest.
  • Simon and Garfunkel shall reunite for a steel cage death match. The winner gets to fight Joe Lieberman.
  • All references to the sinking of the Titanic shall be stricken from history. Why?  I cried when Leonardo DiCaprio died because of the global warming which sank the ship.
  • Pants. Who needs them?  I don’t. Pants shall no longer be worn.
  • Did I mention Joe Biden is a vampire?  I did? Well it bears repeating.
  • Speaking of bears did you see Leo DiCaprio get raped by that bear? I must say I was jealous.
  • World War II shall be renamed “World War I Want to Go to Funkytown.”
  • Speaking of Funkytown, all cable channels shall play this 24/7: 
  • The United States shall be renamed FunkyTown.
  • Actually I wanted to rename the United States after this song, but I understand Putin holds the rights: 
  • All people must live in a dome underground. When they reach the age of 30 they shall be exterminated.
  • A planet where apes evolved from men? There has to be an answer!

And there you have it readers. A fundamentally transformed America.

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My Exclusive Interview with Conviced Felon Puff the Magic Dragon

Drug pusher and pedophile Puff is dead

Drug pusher and pedophile Puff is dead

Following up on an earlier post that detailed the tragic “death” of Puff the Magic Dragon I was contacted by Puff himself from his prison cell who wanted to tell his story.

MI: Good afternoon Puff.

PMD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Thanks for meeting with me.

MI: Let’s start off with the obvious:  I thought you were dead?

PMD: I was. But I’m a “magic” dragon you know. Nothing can kill me. No matter how fatally I may appear to be injured I always come back. Like the Clinton’s and socialism, which is a compassionate economic system by the way that allows us to make economic progress.

MI: Right. Anyway what happened to you after you were temporarily killed by the SWAT team?

PMD: I was taken to the morgue. Fortunately I woke up before the medical examiner started the autopsy. When they found out I was alive, to save face they sent me to this max prison upstate.

MI: Aren’t you worried you might never get out of here?

PMD: No. Like I said it’s just a face-saving measure by the authorities. We have a gentleman’s agreement. Once the heat dies down I will be allowed to go free as long as it’s in another state.

MI: So what’s prison like? What’s a typical day for you?

PMD: Fairly routine. I make license plates and try not to be raped. Actually that’s where most of my focus is, the trying not to be raped part.

MI:  What have you learned in prison?

PMD: Never sleep on your stomach and stay on the good side of the kitchen staff.

MI: Why?

PMD: If you make enemies with those who work in the kitchen they have a tendency to jizz all over your mashed potatoes.

MI: I see.

PMD: And you won’t know until it’s too late because it sinks into the mashed potatoes.

MI: Okay I get the idea.

PMD: Yeah, I never want to see mashed potatoes again.

MI:  Do you hear from Jackie Paper? Do you keep in touch with him?

PMD: Jackie?  That punk. He broke my heart. There was no reason for him to stop seeing me when he grew older. I could have helped him impress the girls. How many other boys in high school have a dragon they can ride?  Chicks dig stuff like that.

MI: I bet they do.

PMD: But no. Jackie has to desert me. Leave me all alone frolicking in the autumn mist. Frolicking alone is not fun. Do you know what they call people who frolic alone in the autumn mist? 

MI:  Perverts?

PMD: I was going to say strange. But it’s no fun frolicking alone.

MI: You mentioned moving to another state when you get out. Where?

PDM: New York probably. I’ve been in touch with MSNBC. They want me to host my own show. Hey, is it true that Megyn Kelly now works for MSNBC?

MI: Yes.

PMD: She can ride my tail anytime.

MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have?

PMD: Would you like to frolic in the autumn mist with me?

MI: Thanks but I don’t think so.

PMD: Is it because I jizzed in your mashed potatoes?

MI: You what? Um.

PMD:  I’ll rock your frolicking world.

MI: No thanks. I really have to go.

PMD: I promise I won’t jizz all over the lunch basket when we are frolicking in the autumn mist!

And so ended my interview with the magical, incarcerated and ravenous dragon.

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President Obama Awarded All Cub Scout Merit Badges

Distinguished service medal? Check. Now onto the Cub Scout merit badges!

Distinguished service medal? Check. Now onto the Cub Scout merit badges!

Fresh on the heels of being awarded the Distinguished Public Service medal by Defense Secretary Ash Carter, President Obama was awarded all Cub Scout merit badges by the local cub scout troop in the Canoga Park section of Los Angeles.

“His visit was unexpected” said the troop leader.

We had just started our meeting with the pledge of allegiance when Secret Service burst in followed by the President. They ordered all our troopers to lie face down spread eagle while they did a spot check for weapons. As you can imagine many of our scouts have Swiss Army knives, which were confiscated. The President then ordered us all to stand at attention while he received every merit badge the Cub Scouts offer. This upset a lot of our scouts who had to earn theirs. They kept asking me why he was getting his for free.

As the Cub Scouts continued to murmur, Secret Service agents subdued those Scouts who were not sufficiently respectful.

“It’s our job to defend the President’s person and reputation” said an agent.

As the President was being awarded these badges we could not let this blatant lack of respect to our commander-in-chief go unpunished. So we started tasering the ten-year olds. This is preferable to shooting them because it is a non-lethal method. Most of the time. The little bastards are quick and tough to taser though. Usually we aim for the groin but most of them haven’t had their testicles descend yet so we missed the first time. That’s when we started beating them unconscious. Again, a non-lethal method of containment. Mostly.

As to why President Obama arrived in Canoga Park to receive merit badges press secretary Josh Earnest claims it was all routine.

The president was in LA to attend a party with some of Hollywood’s most respected and powerful movers, shakers, and cool cats. Also he never received any badges when he was in the Cub Scouts, probably because of racism, and that has always bothered him. So we found the nearest Scout troop and got the badges.

After receiving the merit badges President Obama took the opportunity to address the Cub Scouts (at least the ones that were still conscious.)

My fellow Cub Scout merit badge winners, it is my honor and privilege to join your ranks. When I was being awarded the Distinguished Pubic Service medal last week I had one thought running through my mind: This is good but it’s just a start. You see children, I will be retiring in ten days. And like all retired leaders I need medals to wear on my uniform as I lounge on the beach and one medal won’t cut it. The other retired dictators will laugh at me. I have been informed that you have about 28 merit badges that can be awarded. I now have them all. No other generalissimo will have 29 medals on his uniform. Only me. This is only fair as I am smarter than them. Once more thing. Before I leave I want to announce that I am replacing your troop leader with a black, lesbian transsexual. Thank you.

Then just as quickly as he arrived, the President departed with his retinue.

The Secret Service has sent the troop a $500,000 bill for its time. President Obama has generously waved his usual speaking fee.

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My Exclusive Interview with Spock

My needs always come first

My needs always come first

Today at Manhattan Interview I have the pleasure of interviewing the Science and First Officer of the Star Ship Enterprise, Lt. Commander Spock himself.

MI: Good afternoon Commander Spock.

Spock:Good afternoon human blogger.

MI: Do they have blogs on Vulcan?

Spock: No.

MI: Why not?

Spock: To expend energy on a vanity project that no one will read is highly illogical.

MI: I have readers!

Spock: Besides your mother?

[pause]

MI: Okay, next question. It is said that Vulcans have no emotions. Is this true?

Spock:  Yes. We have developed a philosophy of total logic.

MI: So it’s more of a philosophy than a biological fact?  You do have emotions?

Spock: Yes, but as i said we have developed a philosophy of total logic and lack of emotion.

MI: You never show emotion?

Spock:Never.

MI: What if you were trying to park and someone pulled into the parking spot ahead of you.

Spock:  I”d kill the son of a bitch. But this is an exception. 

I am annoyed

I am annoyed

MI: To your philosophy of total logic.

Spock: Yes.

MI: So what brings you to Earth?

Spock: Yoga pants.

MI: Excuse me?

Spock: Yoga pants. I’ve noticed that many hot Earth girls prefer to wear these form-fitting clothes. This pleases me. 

Your shape in those yoga pants is pleasing to me

Your shape in those yoga pants is pleasing to me

MI:  I see. Isn’t that an emotional response?

Spock: No. It is highly logical. Flawlessly logical. I would kill my captain and my friend for a chance to touch an Earth girl’s behind when she is wearing yoga pants. Kirk can keep his green women. I’ll take a hot Earth girl in yoga pants any day.

MI: Do you get many Earth girls?

Spock: Sadly no. Most Earth women cannot handle a Vulcan male sexually.

MI: Why is that?

Spock: Let’s just say it’s not just my ears that are pointed. Your male cats have barbs on their penis. It’s the same thing in a way.

MI:  I see.

Spock: Yes, no Earth girl can handle a Vulcan. Except oddly enough women from the Bronx.

MI: Well that’s about all the time – 

Spock: I frequent many of your Earth bars during happy hour just to talk to women in yoga pants.

MI: Do you have any success?

Spock: No. Most call me a creep when I ask if I can mind meld with them.

MI: And by mind meld you mean?

Spock: Rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against their backside.

MI: Um.

Spock: Fortunately Vulcans are immune to mace. 

MI: As I said we’re out of time – 

Spock: Is flashing illegal on this planet? If they won’t let me rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against their backsides perhaps I can just show them what they are missing out on?

MI: I wouldn’t recommend it.

Spock: This tendency of Earth girls to deny me my sexual reproductive rights is highly illogical.

MI:  Yeah well welcome to my world. Anyway, we are out of time. Live long and prosper Mr. Spock.

Spock: I shall do neither, for I have killed my captain and my friend.

MI: During the Pon Farr?

Spock: No, he was trying to park in my parking spot.

MI: I see.

Spock: May I rub my barbed Vulcan genitalia against your backside?

MI: What? No! Well you’ll have to pay me.

Spock: Your desire for payment is highly logical. Wait here. I have to go find an ATM.

[Spock leaves]

MI: That was close. I better leave before that creep comes back.

[Spock re-enters]

Spock: Where did he go? Dammit. First Uhuru now this blogger. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. 

Nobody wants my barbed penis!

Nobody wants my barbed penis!

I must say I don’t like Vulcans and when elected President I will build a wall around Vulcan and force the Vulcans to pay for it.

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With 14 Days Left in His Presidency, Obama Promises to Be Classy, Respectful and to Go “Gently Into That Good Night”: Just Kidding!

Constitution? I will shut that shit down!

Constitution? I will shut that shit down!

With just 14 days left until he hands over the Executive Department to Donald Trump, President Obama today promised to spend his remaining time in office “overturning human privilege.”  

I was lucky enough to have the soon-to-be ex- President give me a call on New Year’s eve.

MI: Hello.

BO: Manhattan Infidel this is President Obama

MI:  How the hell did  you get  my number?

BO: It’s written on the bathroom wall in the White House.

MI:  Oh, right. What do you want?

BO:  Well as you know I will be out of office in a few days and I have decided to give you an exclusive on what I plan to do in my remaining time in office.

MI: Can you tell me tomorrow?  I mean it’s New Year’s eve and I’m in a bar talking to a woman.

BO: Biological?

MI:  That’s a good question. Let me check.

[Pause]

MI: No she’s non-binary. Thanks honey but I’ll pass.

NB: Then give me my baton back asshole.

BO: Baton?

MI:  She um. She’s in a marching band. Anyway what were we talking about? Oh yes, your next couple days.

BO: Yes, well first off I plan a number of totally constitutional and legal executive orders.

MI: Such as?

BO: Well I’m glad you asked. First off I will make boiled dumplings illegal. They lead to global warming. Henceforth only steamed dumplings will be legal.

MI:  Okay.

BO: I also will issue an executive order renaming the state of New Jersey “Old Jersey.” Yes, I have the authority to do this.

MI: Um.

BO: Wait I’m just getting started.

MI: I was afraid of that.

BO: I also plan to give Michelle the entire state of Montana. She will live there far, far away from me. Residents of Montana will be legally obligated to prevent her from leaving the state. 

MI: I can sympathize with that.

BO: I am also repealing the 22nd amendment and naming myself President for Life.

MI: You might get some resistance to doing that.

BO: Your objections are irrelevant. I will also have my consciousness transferred to a mainframe computer so I will live forever. There shall be no end to my reign.

MI: But is that even possible?

BO:  Bow down before me human.

MI: I’m not doing that. The only bowing I’ll be doing tonight is to that brunette who just sat down next to me. 

BO: Well – 

MI: Just a second.

[Manhattan Infidel addresses the brunette]

MI: What’s your name honey?

BW: I have mace. And a penis. Leave me alone.

BO: I heard that. Tough break.

MI:  It happens a lot believe it or not.

BO: That’s why I’m looking forward to having my consciousness transferred into a computer. I won’t have to worry about genitalia.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

BO: Wait I have one more thing: I plan to have Donald Trump arrested and have his consciousness transferred to a hard drive which I will immediately wipe out.

MI: Why would you do that?

BO: Hillary won the popular vote.

MI: That doesn’t even make sense.

BO:  I am Barack, new species of hybrid human-machine.

MI: Can I hang up  now? Another woman just sat down next to me.

[Addresses woman]

MI: Hi. Do you have a penis?

Woman: Yes, but that’s extra.

MI: I’m hanging up now.

BO: All commercial television and radio transmission facilities throughout the world will be tied into my communications system by 1000 hours Friday. At that time I will state my intentions for the future of mankind. We will work together… unwillingly at first, on your part, but that will pass.  In time you will come to regard me not only with respect and awe, but with love.

MI: Never!  

I should never have written my phone number on that bathroom wall.

(3)

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