Fissures Appear in Democrat’s LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES Constituency!

What does the LGBTQLIGIPBAESNBNCG community want?

Troubling signs of lack of unity have begun to appear in the Democratic Party’s much-coveted constituency of LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Non Binary, Non Cis Gender,Lactose Intolerant, Gluten Intolerant, Peanut Butter Allergy suffering, Esperanto Speaking) constituency with many members of the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES community beginning to argue among themselves and question common goals. Indeed some in the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES are even going so far as to ask if they should abandon the Democratic party altogether.

“As a gay, nonbinary, non cisgender peanut butter allergy person I question whether those who suffer from gluten intolerance know our struggle” said a speaker at the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES conference.

I became “woked” in college when I realized that my gluten intolerance was oppressing me. I felt pain. I could not do the things I went to college for: partying, doing drugs and sleeping with coeds. I withdrew but eventually I used my gluten intolerance as my badge of honor. Only the Democratic party and their lesbian, gay, transgender, queer, non binary and non cisgender allies welcomed me. Republicans? Those gluten eating bastards hated me. So I became a loyal Democrat. But now? Do those with peanut butter allergies really understand my struggle, which is real by the way. I call for the exclusion of those with peanut butter allergies from the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance and that we be called the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIES alliance!

The proposal to break up the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance, while controversial, was not without its supporters.  A prominent Esperanto speaker spoke next to give his support.

“Many of us in the queer Esperanto speaking community disdain peanut butter and have no use for it or those who eat it “ he said to applause.

I am queer. And I speak Esperanto. That is my identity. And while I try to be tolerant of other lifestyles I draw the line at peanut butter eaters. Allergies or no. What does peanut butter go on? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And what does a peanut butter and jelly sandwich symbolize? It symbolizes white, ciscgender hetero oppression. It symbolizes alt-right nationalism and white supremacy. And I didn’t become a queer, Esperanto-speaking Democrat just so I could support America!

It was at this point that a queer transgender peanut butter allergy sufferer got up in his seat and accused the two previous speakers of “fomenting hatred and cisgenderism” and invited all conference attendees to “spread peanut butter on my dick and suck it!”

What happened next had to be reconstructed from the available surviving security footage but apparently the invitation to “spread peanut butter and suck it” was the flash point that started a brawl.

Queers got into fistfights with transgenders. Lesbians beat up bisexuals who then beat up gays. One pre-op transgender repeatedly punched himself in the groin while shouting “My genitalia does not define me!”  H/she was then beaten by a post-op transgender enraged by h/she’s external genitalia.

When the fight was over the fissure in the Democratic Party’s alliance became a fracture.

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) appealed for calm.

“Let us remember who the real enemy is – the orange one, Donald Trump!”

He was then beaten by a member of the orange, queer, transgender, lactose intolerant alliance.

(0)

0 Comments

Global Warming Causes Caveman Environmental Protection Agency to Ban Fire!

We must ban fire if we want to preserve our way of life.

With glaciers rapidly receding the Caveman Environmental Protection Agency (“CEPA“) has announced new regulations on fire, the recently discovered fuel source that has become popular.

“All we have to do is look out our caves and see the evidence” said the head of the CEPA.

Every day the glaciers retreat more and more. It’s almost at the point where we can’t be crushed by ice anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being crushed under the weight of advancing glaciers is a tradition we hold sacred. It also holds down population growth so our resources don’t become scarce. Our glaciers are disappearing and our way of life is being threatened. We see things we never have seen before like grass and flowers. Temperatures are rising. Some of us are getting sunburned. Sunburned!  What are we? Italian? We never had that problem when we had glaciers.

While there are many theories as to why the climate is changing all agree that the cavemen must in some way be responsible.

It is no coincidence that our climate started changing right after fire was discovered. Now no one is denying the many benefits of fire. It keeps us warm at night and being able to cook our meat is helping our teeth. But are these short-term benefits worth the destruction of our way of life? I say no. And every right-thinking caveman thinks the same way. 

To keep the Earth from warming and glaciers from becoming a thing of the past, fire will be strictly controlled by the CEPA.

Among the new regulations are limits on how long fire can be used and the intensity of the fire.

Cavemen who persist in using fire for more than 15 minutes will be fined. There will also be a limit on the number of sticks they can throw on their fire. We will also be encouraging our cavemen to use the planet’s resources responsibly. Cavemen who buy carbon credits will get their taxes reduced. By doing this we hope to save our rapidly warming planet.

In addition to the regulations on fire, the cult of the glacier will be encouraged by the State.

Every culture, to survive, needs a belief system. We have not been making the glacier gods happy with our conduct. From now on all cavemen shall offer cavemen sacrifices to the glaciers. We encourage our people to go out and get crushed in the ice.  If we do this the glaciers will be happy and stop retreating. The science is settled on this people!

Those who refuse to worship the State-sanctioned glacier cult shall be forced to leave Cro-magnon territory and move to less desirable neanderthal neighborhoods.

“Let’s see how long they like living there. They’ll come back begging to offer sacrifices.”

(0)

0 Comments

Sun Sets in West; Democrats Call for Investigation Into Possible Russian Collusion!

Putin’s handiwork!

Stunned Congressional Democrats called today for an independent prosecutor after the sun set in the west.

“This is outrageous” said Maxine Waters (D-CA).

Why is the sun setting in the west?  Four days in a row I’ve seen the sun go down in the west. This is not normal. This is not natural. The sun should be able to set wherever it damn well pleases. This is Donald Trump’s fault. He and Putin are behind it. All green of skin… 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

“I’d like to thank my colleague Maxine Waters for her frank speech on the importance of dark suede” said Adam Schiff (D-CA).

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest. Only we Democrats are brave enough to acknowledge this. There should be a Democrat now who has dark suede mowing the harvest. But a Republican is in the White House. Donald Trump stole our dark suede and now he is making the sun set in the west. We all know why he is doing this. His pal Putin wants to destabilize our dark suede that mows like a harvest by having the sun set in the west. I’m sure I don’t have to remind people that the Democrats are the party of science. And when we say the sun should not set in the west then the science is settled.

After Schiff finished speaking and the applause died down former Vice President Al Gore spoke of the dangers of dark suede in the hands of Republicans.

“Global warming is real” Gore challenged his audience.

And unless we take our dark suede that mows like a harvest and put it in a lock box where Republicans and their allies in Russia  cannot get to it sea levels will continue to rise. Our coastal cities will be destroyed. My good friend Leonardo DiCaprio has a mansion and a yacht on the coast. Do we want to endanger his lifestyle? Scientists agree with me. And dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

The independent prosecutor and well-known patriot Robert Mueller who is looking into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 election has reportedly agreed to expand his probe to include the sun setting in the west.

“Bob Mueller is a friend of mine” said MSNBC host Chris Mattthews.

And if you knew Mueller like I know Mueller you’d know that he will do anything, investigate anything, uncover anything to prove that the Russians are colluding to take away our dark suede that mows like a harvest.

Russian authorities in the Kremlin maintain that they are not responsible for the sun setting in the west.

But isn’t that what you’d expect these dark suede deniers to say?

(7)

2 Comments

The Big Bang: Did God Collude with Russia?

In here is evidence of Russian collusion

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that his probe into Russian interference in the 2016 US presidential election has expanded and he is now looking into evidence that God colluded with Russia during the creation of the universe.

“We have asked God for his correspondence and business dealings leading up to the Big Bang” announced Muller.

Anonymous sources close to the investigation say that Mueller has asked God three questions:

  1. Was the Big Bang an attempt by Russia to influence the course of events?
  2. Does God have secret business dealings with Russia?
  3. Was there a quid pro quo? And if so, what

“God is a person of interest” stated Mueller.

God is spiritual. So are easterners. We know that Russians like to use incense, chanting and mystery in their liturgy. Could their divine liturgy be an attempt to curry favor with God? Were they returning a favor? If by answering their prayers was God colluding with Russia? No one knows at the moment. But it makes sense that we look into it.

Lawyers for God deny any collusion with Russia

“Our client God has contacts throughout the Earth” stated God’s team of lawyers.

He may have met privately with top Russian officials but this does not mean there was a special relationship. Nor does God feel it was necessary to disclose these contacts to American authorities. Frankly we feel the Americans have developed a fever of some sort and wish to blame God for a natural outcome.

On The View, co-host Joy Behar threw down the gauntlet and asked for God’s impeachment.

Everybody knows the Beatles are more popular than God. Every year the Beatles win the popular vote. Yet as I walk around this town I see so-called churches dedicated to the so-called God. This is not normal. This is not natural. There is only one way this could have happened. God cheats. Russia wants America to worship God because the worship of God makes a people weak. If only we had churches dedicated to the Beatles perhaps we’d once again be the leaders of the free world. I support Robert Mueller. God must be impeached!

Rumors are rampant that many of God’s close associates, such as Peter, James and John have met with Putin. Indeed John is said to have foretold the coming of Putin with the following passage:

Behold, he is coming amid the clouds, riding shirtless on a bear

and every eye will see him,

even those who pierced him.

All the peoples of the earth will lament him.

Yes. Amen

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the one who is shirtless riding on a bear and who was and who is to come, the almighty. shirtless killer of bears.

Until God complies with the subpoena all of God’s property in the United States will be turned over to Federal authorities.

“We’d rather not have to do this” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “But we must get to the bottom of any possible collusion.

Perhaps in retaliation God has announced a “shitload of rain” for parts of Texas.

(4)

0 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with King Menelaus

You can have Helen. She’s too high maintenance for me.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the King of Sparta, King Menelaus himself who through the miracle of Skype joins us from the plains of Troy.

MI: Good afternoon King Menelaus. Can you hear me?

KM: Yes I can hear and see you.

MI: How goes the war?

KM: It’s coming along fine. 

MI: How long has the war been going on?

KM: Ten years. But I predict a quick resolution. Achilles went out to meet Hector and we should be hearing back from him soon.

MI: So tell me, what brought about this war?

KM: They stole my wife.

MI: Yes. Helen. The most beautiful women in the world.

KM: Well I wouldn’t go that far. She’s okay. I thought she was hot at the time but all the constant nagging has made her less attractive to me. Plus she’s high maintenance. Very high maintenance.

MI:  I see. And when Paris abducted her and took her to Troy?

KM: Dude, to tell you the truth I was almost relieved.  Let her nag him for change.

MI: But you still went to war?

KM: A bro’s got to protect his honor. Besides everyone was watching. I couldn’t appear weak.

MI: You actually met Paris during the war and engaged in combat. How did that go?

KM: Originally I was going to kill him and claim victory but when I saw the pained look on his face I said, “Helen?” and he said “Yeah dude. What a high maintenance bitch.” We had a good laugh about that. You know, bro to bro.

MI: So you didn’t kill him?

KM: No I let him go. He’s not such a bad guy, Paris. And I do feel sorry for him having to deal with Helen.

MI: When this war ends will you be taking Helen back to Sparta with you?

[Pause]

KM: I suppose I should, though I don’t really know how that will work out.

MI: Meaning?

KM: Its complicated. Our relationship is bound to be strained. And then there’s the whole high maintenance bitch thing.

MI: But you do intend to go back to Sparta?

KM: Yeah. I have lots of King shit that I have to do. You know, executing those who oppose my will. Sleeping with the hot farmer’s daughters. Executing – no wait I already mentioned that.

MI: How will you be getting back?

KM: Same way I got here. By ship. I don’t anticipate any problems getting home. Odysseus said I could hitch a ride with him but something tells me that’s a bad idea. The man absolutely sucks with directions.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

KM: Hey before you go, would you like to take Helen off my hands? You know, when the war ends.

MI: Um, thanks but I don’t think so. 

KM: Why? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

MI: What about the high maintenance bitch thing?

KM: Oh, yeah. I kind of let the cat out of the bag there, didn’t I.

MI: Yes you did.

And so ended my interview with the brave, yet henpecked King of Sparta.

(6)

Pentagon Pays 30 Billion for Acme Disintegrating Pistols!

One of the infamous disintegrating pistols

It was revealed today that the Pentagon has purchased 15 “Disintegrating Pistols” manufactured by Acme Corporation.

“This is a new era in military technology” said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph F. Dunford.

Their sales rep, a person named Duck Dodgers, told us the guns were fool proof. Imagine being able to disintegrate an enemy upon first contact. Obviously that would be a major advantage in warfare. We could walk into Mosul and disintegrate the enemy. And once we gain the ability to disintegrate the enemy we can get rid of all our environmentally unfriendly bombs and tanks and aircraft carriers. Well, we might keep an aircraft carrier but only if we can get it to run on wind power.

The raw materials for the disintegrating pistol cost $125 dollars. When Dunford asked Dodgers how much the Acme Corporation was asking for their guns he was told two million per gun.

That’s a little bit of a markup obviously but nothing the Pentagon hasn’t done before. What? You think we’d try to negotiate for a lower price? This isn’t a private company. We’re the government.

Asked how soon the disintegrating pistols could be delivered Dodgers informed said that he had 15 in the back of his minivan.

I was pleasantly surprised that Dodgers had some with him. He showed me one. It had a tag on it that said “For children between the ages of four and seven.” He ripped the tag off and said I should ignore that. So I did. I wrote out a check for 30 billion on the spot and gave it to him. I then asked Dodgers how I could get in touch with him if there were problems with the pistols. He gave me a phone number. I tried calling but it was out of service. Maybe he’s on vacation or something.

Instead of testing the new weapons they were immediately sent to the middle east and given to soldiers. To their surprise the pistols disintegrated when used instead of disintegrating the enemy.

I suppose we should have tested them first. Testing a product would have been smart and productive. But like I said we’re not a private company. We’re the government. We have different rules.

Of the fifteen soldiers given the disintegration pistols, 12 were killed outright by ISIS and two were captured and later beheaded. One soldier was able to fight his way to safety by killing his ISIS opponents. For his efforts the soldier was court martialed.

He regrettably killed the Muslims who were trying to kill him. And the army will not tolerate Islamophobia in its ranks.

In a related note the Joint Chiefs have announced that all machine guns will be replaced by muskets.

“Machine guns give off heat which causes climate change. The muskets are much more Earth friendly” said Dunford.

(6)

My Exclusive Interview With the Governor of Nevada Brian Sandoval

dude!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the governor of the state of Nevada, the honorable Brian Sandoval.

MI: Good afternoon Governor Sandoval.

[Pause]

MI: Governor Sandoval?

GS: Yes. Sorry. I was distracted by the many problems a governor has to deal with.

MI:  I can only imagine.  Tell me, in your opinion what is the greatest challenge facing Nevada right now?

[Pause]

MI: Governor Sandoval?

GS:  It’s the pot, man!  It’s the pot!

MI: The pot? 

GS: Dude, we’re running out of pot man!

MI:I see. You are referring to legal marijuana. Nevada is one of the few states that have legal marijuana.

GS:Yes.

MI: So why is Denver running out of marijuana?

[Pause]

MI: Governor?

GS: We didn’t know they’re would be such a demand. Our supply chain is broken.

MI: That’s awful. What sort of supply chain do you have?

GS: I got a guy named Larry. He gets the stuff for Nevada.

MI: Larry?

GS: Larry man.  Larry. He gets the stuff.

MI: Larry who?

GS: I don’t know. I don’t know his last name man. I don’t have his last name.  All I have is his number.

MI: Well give him a call. I’m sure he has some good stuff for Nevada.

GS: I tried man. The number’s been disconnected. Maybe the cops picked him up.

MI: Or maybe he just changes his number frequently. That’s what my guy does.

GS: Dude. You have a Larry?

MI: Yeah only his name’s Pablo. Would you like his number?

GS: I don’t know man. Larry doesn’t like me to use other suppliers. He beat up the Lieutenant Governor when he went to another supplier. Beat him up pretty badly. Larry scares me, dude. He scares me!  

MI: Calm down.

GS: I can’t calm down man. I don’t have Larry’s number. Maybe he’s coming after me!

MI: You’re being paranoid. Why’s it so dark in here?  Let me turn on the lights.

GS: Dude, don’t turn on the lights. They can’t find me if the lights are out.

MI: Who? Who can’t find you?

GS: Larry dude. Haven’t you heard what I’ve been saying?  Larry’s coming after me.

[The governor hides under the desk]

MI: Okay well I guess that’s about all the time we have.

GS: Do you have any snacks? I’m hungry.

And to think there were those who thought that legalizing marijuana might have consequences.

(12)

Kermit’s Feud with Gumby Intensifies!

One’s a sellout. The other too radical

Kermit the Frog and Gumby the green clay humanoid, two of Hollywood’s brighter lights in the green community continue to exchange nasty words as their feud grows more bitter. Both see themselves as rightful heirs to Martin Luther King Jr. and the struggle to free non-whites from alt-white nationalism.

“Gumby?  He’s a St. Patrick’s Day cookie. Green on the outside but white inside” said Kermit when asked about his rival.

Gumby for his part feels that Kermit is a disrespectful thug honing in on his social justice territory.

“Kermit is nothing. He’s a punk” Gumby is quoted as saying.

Where was he all those years I had to use the servants entrance to the studios here in Hollywood? He was nowhere to be found. I was the one who broke the green color barrier. You know those green ladies from Star Trek? Fake. They had white actresses put on green paint. Talk about Greenface! I organized a boycott of Star Trek and forced them to hire some real green actors. I did it. I did it and faced the consequences. I was beaten by the Klan and had the Democrats turn a fire hose on me. But I did it for my people. Where was Kermit during this?  Living a comfortable middle class experience. He’s a phony.

At stake is the leadership and direction of Hollywood’s burgeoning green community.

While Gumby is respected for his accomplishments many of the younger green people feel that Kermit’s fire and radicalism better suits them.

Kermit electrified the green community with his famous “It’s Not Easy Being Green” speech, reproduced here full,  which he delivered at the 2016 Democratic National Convention.

It’s not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that

It’s not easy being green It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over ’cause you’re
Not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky

But green’s the color of Spring
And green can be cool and friendly-like
And green can be big like an ocean, or important
Like a mountain, or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why Wonder,
I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful
And I think it’s what I want to be

“What this speech shows is Kermit’s intense pain and self loathing brought on by the prejudice inflicted upon him by the white majority” said a sociology professor at UCLA.

He speaks of the pain of being green, how he is overlooked, how he wishes he were a different color. But in the end he triumphs and loudly proclaims that green is beautiful and that green lives matter. This resonates with youth. It’s something that Gumby would never say. Gumby the accommodater who lives in a white neighborhood, dates white women and is seen by many as selling out his green brothers.

Despite or maybe because of the need to present a unified green face Kermit and Gumby have agreed to meet to seek common ground.

“These green punks today think they got it rough? They don’t know the meaning of the word. I remember being used as a green screen for low budget movies.  Try that on for size” said an emotional Gumby.

(3)

Locals Cannot Understand What Wine Drinking Bullfrog is Saying!

Hey, want some of my mighty fine wine?

Local wine-drinking bullfrog Jeremiah has raised the ire of residents and police who are concerned that his drinking is getting out of control.

“Don’t get me wrong” said the Chief of Police.

We all like Jeremiah. He’s a good friend of mine. And on occasion I have helped him drink his wine. But lately it seems he’s drunk all the time. And when he’s drunk he slurs his words so I can never understand a word he says. It’s my job to keep order in town. I turn a blind eye to the occasional drunk in public. People will drink after all. But alcoholics? They just aren’t dependable. And Jeremiah is a bullfrog. I’m concerned he might get violent.

Heeding police concerns the Town Council passed the “Anti-Bullfrog Act” prohibiting Jeremiah from entering town.

“This is the last resort” said council member.

Jeremiah is a nice guy for a bullfrog. So before the Act was passed we all went to visit him and express our concerns. We sat around drinking his wine, he always has some mighty fine wine, hoping he could explain himself. Instead he started rambling on and on. None of use could understand a single word he said. I think he was speaking in tongues. Frankly that concerns us. We’re a pretty tolerant town. Live and let live you know. But we don’t need a wine-drinking bullfrog with a messiah complex upsetting the locals. Especially the young, female locals. You know how easily women are brought under the spell of a strong, charismatic male.

Indeed after word spread that Jeremiah was speaking in tongues many of the towns younger citizens sought him out.

At first we thought they were just sneaking out to drink his mighty fine wine. But when we investigated we found that the kids were all in a trance. Some were lying on their backs. Some were dancing around. Some were chanting. And in the middle of it all sat Jeremiah looking like Buddha and speaking words no one could understand. I haven’t seen anything so disturbing since Woodstock.

It wasn’t long before parents came out to grab their kids and take them home. Sometimes there was violence.

“My daughter ain’t getting involved with no wine-drinking bullfrog prophet!” said one father.

I’m no cisgender activist but I draw the line at sex between bullfrogs and humans. This isn’t California, after all. I brought my shotgun and told Jeremiah to leave my daughter alone or I would shoot him. He said something to me as I grabbed my daughter. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but it couldn’t have been good. You know these religious fanatics.

Undeterred by local opposition, Jeremiah has announced that he is a prophet sent by God and is forming his own church called “The Temple of the Holy Bullfrog.”

“A prophet is not without honor, except in his home town” said Jeremiah.

“My message is one of joy. Joy to the world, all the boys and girls. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.”

(5)

Casper the Friendly Ghost Attacked by Mob of Intersectional Feminists!

I don’t understand the problem. I’m just being friendly.

Casper, known locally as the “friendly ghost” was attacked and brutally beaten today when his path accidentally crossed with an Intersectional Feminist Pride Parade.

“He’s lucky to be alive” said a doctor in the Emergency Room who treated the injured ghost.

All his ribs were broken and his genitalia had been torn off, which is kind of odd since ghosts aren’t supposed to have either bones or genitalia. In addition his skull had been fractured. The poor ghost has a long rehab ahead of him. When I told him the extent of his injuries he started crying and said,”My genitalia. My ghostly genitalia! I will never have the chance to be a friendly ghost again.”  Poor guy was pretty devastated. We gave him a shitload of sedatives. When that didn’t work we put in him a medically-induced coma.

The trouble for Casper began when he was flying around town looking for attractive young women to be friendly with. Spotting one such female he swooped down and introduced himself.

Unfortunately for Casper the woman in question was a well-known local Intersectional Feminist. Calling her oppressed sisters over she pointed out Casper as a “potential white rapist.”

At first Casper tried to defend himself, saying that he only wanted to be “friendly and spread the joy.”

Triggered by the word “spread”  which they took as code for “penis in vagina sex” the intersectional feminists surrounded the friendly ghost and began punching him.

One woman grabbed a brick from a nearby construction site and began pummeling Casper over the head.

“We don’t need your white ghost gaze” she screamed as her fellow feminists cheered.

Casper attempted to crawl to safety all the while begging for his life.

“Please I beg you. I will never be friendly again” he wimpered.

This only served to further enraged the triggered intersectionals who surrounded Casper and began kicking him.

It was at this point that one feminist reached down, grabbed his genitals and ripped them off. Holding it above her head as one might a trophy she shouted “Look at this girls. One less external male genitalia in the world and I tore it off!”

Satisfied that they had defended their honor the feminists proceeded to the nearest safe space. The newly-mutilated Casper was spotted by a passing motorist who called 911.

The mayor has asked for calm and appealed to Casper’s fellow ghosts not to commit any acts of revenge.

“We could all learn from the intersectional feminist community” said the mayor.

We in the male community have committed many sins against the female race. When one reflects upon our history of oppression against women today’s attack on Casper, while regrettable, is the result of legitimate historical grievances. On behalf of all men I ask the feminist community to forgive us and to continue giving us teachable moments.

As for Casper he remains in his medically-induced coma and has been charged with inciting a riot.

His doctors are confident he will make a full recovery.

“If by full you mean being a eunuch the rest of his afterlife, then yes he will make a full recovery. But it’s not all bad. Certainly having no genitalia will reduce his testosterone level and testosterone is the root of all evil.”

(8)