White man speak with forked tongue

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (the most trusted name in made up shit) I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than Massachusetts senator and potential 2020 presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Warren.

[Warren begins to dance in a circle]

MI: Um. Senator Warren?

EW: Silence. The forked tongue speak of the white man is not allowed during this sacred ritual.

MI: Sacred ritual?

EW: Yes. I am performing a ghost dance. It’s a sacred ritual of my people.

MI: Your people?

EW: Native Americans you ignorant foreigner!  Jesus look at my cheekbones. See how high they are? My people have high cheekbones.

MI:  I see. 

[Warren continues her ghost dance]

MI: So tell me about this dance? What did you call it?

EW: It’s a ghost dance.  The proper practice of the Ghost Dance will reunite the living with spirits of the dead, bring the spirits to fight on their behalf, make the white colonists leave, and bring peace, prosperity, and unity to Native American peoples.

MI: Make the white colonists leave?

EW: Yes. the whites will leave our sacred land and my peoples can return to their ancient ways and hunt buffalo.

MI: Well if the white colonists leave doesn’t that mean you’ll have to leave as well?

[Warren continues Ghost Dancing]

EW:  I do not listen to the words of the white man. White man speak with forked tongue.

MI: Stop with the forked tongue shit. You’re white. Admit it. Nothing wrong with being white.

EW: I am Cherokee.

MI: Bullshit. Your DNA test showed you were 1/1024th native American. You’re so white Joanna Gaines uses you as backsplash in her designs.

EW: White man speak with forked –

MI: Not buying it.

EW: You are banned from all my casinos.

MI: Casinos?

EW: Yes. Another ancient and sacred tradition of my people.

MI: You don’t know anything about native Americans do you?

EW: Shine, shine, shine ’em up fine/Shine ’em up fine for a dime!/Shine, shine, shine ’em up fine/Shine ’em up fine for a dime!/My baby needs a new pair of shoes!/Come on, you seven! Roll you ‘leven!

MI: Not buying it.

EW: Do you have a canoe I can borrow? I can paddle down a polluted stream and cry. 

MI: You know that was an actor. He was Italian-American whose real name was Espera Oscar de Corti.

EW: Italian-American?

MI: ‘Fraid so.

EW: Goddamn it. I thought I was the first one to do this native American scam shit.

MI: Sorry. It’s been done before.

EW: Well what the hell am I going to do now?

MI: Rip off another race?

EW: That’s it!  From now on I am Hispanic. Elizabeth Warrenitez, proud 100 percent Puerto Rican. Or Dominican. Depends on who has more living in Massachusetts.

MI: Right. I’m out of here.

EW: Or Canadian. I shall be known as Elizabeth Bubble. You know like the singer.

MI:Goodbye.

EW: Wait. Australian!  If Mel Gibson can pretend to be Australian I can pull it off too!

And so ended my interview with the proud and fierce native American warrior.

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Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

Divers to the wreck of the Titanic have discovered shocking new evidence that changes prevalent theories as to what actually sank the doomed ship.

“What we found down there frightened and disgusted us.” said a dive member.

Before we all thought it was an iceberg. Granted they did hit an iceberg but we now believe that the ship would have continued sailing if it weren’t for Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. That’s right. The time-travelling evil rapist used the power of his mind to punch holes in the side of the ship. We have the evidence. Needless to say this changes everything. I no longer trust my senses. I no longer trust time. I no longer even believe in God. For would a just and benevolent God have allowed Brett Kavanaugh to commit this travesty?

The dive team leader explains the moment that changed all their lives forever.

We were exploring the ship not expecting to find anything new when we came upon a keg of beer in one of the luxury quarters. That in and of itself isn’t unusual but when we looked closer we found a note taped to it. We brought it back to our ship and dried it out and examined it. The note said “To any future divers to this wreck:  I, Brett Kavanaugh, brutal rapist and Supreme Court Justice traveled back in time from the year 2018 and sunk the Titanic. I did this because I’ve grown bored with raping women and need a bigger challenge. What better way to challenge myself than killing 1,500 people at the same time? Oh, and if anyone asks Dianne Feinstein is a communist spy. Your truly Brett ‘I like beer’ Kavanaugh.” We thought it might have been a prank but Kavanaugh included a videotape with the letter. It shows lightning beams coming out of his eyes as he punches holes in the side of the ship. He then laughed as the ship started to sink and people drowned. At one point it shows him playing electric guitar with the Titanic band.

Needless to say Kavanaugh’s note and video have led to disastrous consequences for the ill-fated dive team.

Once the government found out about our findings they quarantined us in the ship and won’t let us talk to anyone. “Nothing personal” one of the government agents said.  “But we can’t let this knowledge leave this ship.”  I just want to hold my wife one more time and tell her I love her. I just want to hold my newborn daughter’s hand one more time. I think they are going to kill us! Is these no evil that the dirty rat bastard Brett Kavanaugh won’t do in his mad lust for violence and destruction?

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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An accident aboard a research vessel has resulted in the deaths of the entire dive team.

“It was a tragic depressurization accident” said a government source.

“Unfortunately the diving bell was crushed beyond recognition and we won’t be able to recover the bodies.”

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Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

Shocking new evidence has recently been unearthed that explains why the feminist senator Ted Kennedy waited 10 hours to report the accident at Chappaquiddick: He wasn’t in the car!

“I have held my peace for almost 50 years” said a member of Chappaquiddick Island’s first responder team that found the submerged vehicle.

Ted Kennedy is innocent. I know. I dived into the murky pond and what I saw when I was in the car chilled me to the bones!  Mary Jo Kopechne was still alive. She was holding her breath but was desperately in need of oxygen. Beside her in the backseat of the overturned car was Brett Kavanaugh! He had on a wet suit and he had another oxygen tank in his hand. Poor Mary Jo was motioning to it but he sadistically kept it out of her reach. She was drowning and he let it happen.  You know the Johnny Cash song “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?” It was something like that. Brett Kavanaugh purposely drove the car off the bridge because he wanted to watch a young women die!

When asked how he knew it was Kavanaugh he responded “Because there was a keg of beer in the back seat next to him.”

I probably should have tried harder to save Mary Jo’s life. But every time I tried to grab her and get her out of the car Kavanaugh put his hands over my mouth and stifled my underwater screams. I felt frightened and retreated to the bridge. A short while later (I guess Mary Jo had passed away at this point) Kavanaugh came out of the car and approached me. “You didn’t see nothing, capish?” I said “Mr. Kavanaugh I am duty bound to report what I saw.”  That’s when he told me that he and his fraternity buddies would train rape me. So I shut up.

Frightened for his life, the first responder returned home, where he was visited that night by Kavanaugh.

One of his fraternity pals held a knife to my throat and Kavanaugh told me that this was going to be the cover story:  He never saw me and that it was Ted Kennedy’s car and he drove it off the bridge! I told him that no one would believe that. “Ted Kennedy is a liberal. And a feminist. He respects women. He would never leave one to die in a submerged vehicle.”  Kavanaugh just laughed and said “Do as you’re told and your family won’t be hurt.” I wanted to protect them so I agreed. But I’ve always felt shame for not coming forward. I’ve wanted to tell the truth for 50 years!  And the events of the past couple weeks have finally encouraged me to do so.  Brett Kavanaugh is a monster who killed Mary Jo Kopechne!  He started the Republican war on women! Ted Kennedy is innocent and it’s a shame how much he had to suffer because of this false accusation during his lifetime!

When contacted about these claims Kavanaugh denied everything, showing off the volatile temperament his is famous for.

“I was four goddamn years old at the time!”

Senator Dianne Feinstein has asked that a special prosecutor be assigned to look into the allegations.

“I find the first responder’s story credible. And I did not pay him to make it up. Technically it was my husband. I mean the Chinese spy working for me.”

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Tread lightly. I can kill you all with my hands

New evidence confirms what many have always suspected:  The Nanking Massacre during the second Sino-Japanese War that killed an estimated 300,000 was started by new Supreme Court judge Brett Kavanaugh. The evidence has until recently been sitting in top secret Japanese archives.

“I went to college in Japan and I heard rumors about the truth of the massacre” said a Democratic lawyer for the Senate Judiciary Committee.

I didn’t have access to the records but I heard that a “white man who likes beer” ordered and took part in many of the rapes. Naturally I was curious.  I thought at first it might be Charlie Sheen or anybody from Hollywood frankly. I made a mental note to come back later in life when I have power and connections and investigate. Because as a Democratic lawyer I have dedicated my life to the facts. And sleeping with women by telling them I am pro-abortion.

Having risen through the ranks of the Democratic party the lawyer kept his promise and went back to Japan last year to investigate.

What I found profoundly shocked me. I mean it shocked me even more than the time I found out that plane fuel does indeed melt steel.  And I apologize to the families of the workers in the building I flew that plane into. But I digress. Anyway I found out that not only was Charlie Sheen not responsible for all the rapes but that no one from Hollywood was. This is probably the first time anyone from Hollywood has been cleared of rape. I went into their secret records room and the evidence was hidden in a box labelled “Naked Photos of Yoko Ono.”  I have to commend the Japanese on their duplicity. I mean no one was going to open that box! But my spidey sense was tingling and I just had to open it.  Inside I found photos and documents that prove that Brett Kavanaugh had traveled back in time and was responsible for the whole thing. There are photos of him in the act of raping Chinese women. All I saw in the photos was his back but I know it was him. There was a beer keg right next to him. And I found eyewitness recollections. One document from a witness confirms this. It was by a Japanese commander. It said “We didn’t want to rape anybody. But this white guy showed up. He was very drunk. He said he wanted to rape some women before he ‘ralphed.’ Whatever that means. Another document from a victim said that “A very drunk white man put his hand over my mouth. When I screamed he raped my entire village. And then he drank a keg of beer.”  These documents prove that confirming Kavanaugh was a mistake. We need to impeach him!

As for Kavanaugh he has denied these allegations. But what would you expect history’s greatest monster to do?

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Yearbooks hold the clue to the future of our Republic!

If the Brett Kavanaugh hearings have taught me anything (besides the fact that our Republic is doomed and Civil War is inevitable) it is that high school yearbooks are fair game and must be closely investigated.

And so, armed only with my ruthless devotion to the facts beer, lots and lots of beer I now present for my readers certain high school yearbooks I have looked at.

First up:  Dianne Feinstein.

Feinstein didn’t write much in her yearbook. In fact she only has two entries under her picture.

1. “No Taxation without representation”
2. “I stand with General Washington. Independence for the colonies!”

What can we infer from these rather cryptic entries? Obviously Feinstein is very old. And probably a brutal rapist. A very old brutal rapist.

Cory Booker

Senator Booker writes in his yearbook “Some people consider eating oysters to be moral and eating snails to be immoral. It is a matter of taste. And taste is not the same as appetite. Therefore not a question of morals. My taste includes both snails and oysters.”

What Mr. Booker is trying to tell us is that he is a very masculine man who only likes women. And he’s a brutal rapist.

Richard Blumenthal

Senator Blumenthal writes  “Just got my draft notice. No way in hell I’m going to Vietnam!”

What to make of this? Obviously someone must have hacked into Senator Blumenthal’s yearbook as we know he served heroically in Vietnam, winning both the Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor.

Ted Kennedy

In his senior yearbook the future Senator Kennedy writes, “Been practicing driving my car into a pond until it’s upside down and submerged. I then try to get out of the car. You never know when you’ll need to add this to your skill set. Oldsmobiles are actually the easiest to get out of when submerged. You just push the girl in the passenger seat the hell out of your way and you’re home free and on dry land in no time!”

This proves that Senator Kennedy was a committed women’s rights activist who deserves our respect.

Barack Obama

The future president writes, “Just call me Barry.”

What can we infer from this? Obviously America is a racist country and the young Obama felt the need to change his name to hide his biracial origins. Probably from the Klan, which I hear is very active in Hawaii.

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren writes,  “They took the whole Cherokee nation Put us on this reservation Took away our ways of life The tomahawk and the bow and knife Took away our native tongue And taught their English to our young And all the beads we made by hand Are nowadays made in Japan Cherokee people Cherokee tribe So proud to live So proud to die They took the whole Indian nation Locked us on this reservation Though I wear a shirt and tie I’m still part redman deep inside Cherokee people Cherokee tribe So proud to live So proud to die But maybe someday when they learn Cherokee nation will return, will return Will return, will return, will return.”

I don’t know what to make of this. Perhaps it’s her subtle way of saying that she is a brutal rapist and a drunk who doesn’t have the temperament to be a U.S. senator.

Keith Richards

In his high school yearbook the future Rolling Stone writes, “I just want to live hard and die young. Don’t want to be in my 70s looking the worse from 50 years of extensive drug use.”

Sorry Keith. Sometimes the best laid plans……..

So what have we learned from looking at these high school yearbooks?

1.  All men (especially Republicans) are brutal rapists
2. Vote Democrat

And don’t any of you jokers even think of looking at my yearbook!

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