ABC hopes you brought enough for everybody!

Two months after her affair with fellow Good Morning America anchor T.J. Holmes was made public, ABC has officially parted ways with Amy Robach.

“We really didn’t have a choice” said an ABC executive.

We appreciate the service she has done for ABC.  But she could have done more services if you know what I mean.  It turns out that T.J. Holmes was the only one she was sleeping with.  And as my first grade teacher used to say to me when she caught me with bubble gum:  “I hope you brought enough for everybody.”  Well Amy didn’t “bring it for everybody.” And that just wasn’t fair.  We here at ABC pride ourselves on being a progressive, inclusive community dedicated to progressive, inclusive values. But there’s nothing inclusive about only giving it out to one man. So we had to let her go.

When the relationship between the anchors first surfaced the network was hoping to keep Robach.

“I was surprised” said another ABC executive.

She’s always been so cold and distant with me. I remember once going into her dressing room and showing her the 500 pictures of my penis I have on my iPhone and asking her if she wanted to see the real thing. She didn’t seem impressed.  So I naturally assumed she was a lesbian and left her alone.  But then I find out she’s sleeping with T.J. Holmes.  What gives? If I had known she was such a wild woman I would have cut to the chase and exposed myself instead of relying on photos.  That’s how to get a woman, right?

ABC’s parent company Disney also expressed concerns about the relationship.

“So incel and binary” said CEO Bob Iger.

This doesn’t represent the values of Disney. When I heard that a natural woman and a natural man were dating I almost threw up into my Pluto coffee mug. I then called up Miss Robach and told her there was only one way she could keep her job.  She had to start dating transsexuals.  When she wasn’t open to that I sent her the photos of my penis I had on my phone.  Hey, a fellow has to try, doesn’t he?

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have tried to get to the bottom of this scandal.  However all emails to Miss Robach have gone unanswered.

Accordingly we then sent her all the photos of our penis that we had on our phone.  Not just any penis photos. Good ones. Artistic ones with lots of soft focus.  We sent her black and white photos. Tasteful profile shots. The works. We still have not heard back from her.

Women!  Am I right or am I right?  What do they want anyway?

If anyone needs me I’ll be at Fitzgeralds having a few pints. Maybe the bartender will appreciate my dick photos.

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Fight the man! After the pillows get fluffed that is!

Beatle John Lennon and his avant-garde wife Yoko Ono have announced that they have postponed the start of the revolution against The Man and his unjust class structure because their maid is still in their bedroom.

“Capitalists and their power structures have oppressed us for too long” said Lennon.

Me and  Yoko believe in peace and love.  We are all about peace and love.  Except when I’m beating her of course. But I only beat her because I’m filled with rage over the injustice in western capitalist society.  That’s why me and Yoko have checked into this luxury hotel to lay in bed for a couple weeks.  We are doing it to draw attention to the wealth of the capitalists and how they use it to oppress the common man.

However once ensconced in their luxury suite the two revolutionaries were aghast to discover that they could not lay in bed doing nothing for weeks to promote peace for all mankind until the maid had finished cleaning the room and fluffing the pillows.

Isn’t that so typical of the man.  As soon as your born they make you feel small by giving you no time instead of it all, till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all!  We want revolution.  We want revolution now!  We want to take away the privilege of the fat capitalists. But this maid is making us wait.  She says she has to make our bed and fluff our pillows or she loses her job.  Me and Yoko got so angry.  I told the maid “But you’re postponing the revolution.”  She didn’t seem to care.  No doubt she can’t really function because she’s so full of fear. While I am not unsympathetic, the revolution comes first! I told her to hurry up or I’ll write a nasty song about her.

The maid, distressed at the thought of a nasty song being written about her, finished fluffing the pillows then left to complain to her supervisor about John and Yoko.

The supervisor then went up to John and Yoko’s room and scolded the duo.

“I told them that they could stay in bed as long as they wanted” he said.

But they were not to berate the staff. The maid was only doing her job.  Look I’m all for peace and love and fighting the power as much as the next person but they were keeping her from her mandatory coffee break.  Lennon said that coffee was a tool of the capitalists and said we should all be smoking pot instead. That’s when I realized it was useless to try and talk to them so I told them to go to hell and I left.

Enraged that a capitalist would dare talk to him like that, the peace loving revolutionary proceeded to beat his wife.

“He’s beating me for peace” said Yoko.

“The man is making me do this” said John.  “Everywhere I go I just want peace for everyone.  And fluffy pillows.  But this is denied me.”

The hotel John and Yoko are staying at has released a statement saying that from now on the two can “fluff their own f*cking pillows.”

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Howard Cunningham is a cold-blooded killer!

Local hardware store owner Howard Cunningham was arrested today and charged with the murder of his eldest son, Chuck Cunningham.

“We’ve had our eye on Cunningham for a long time” said a detective.

He had three children.  Everyone knew he had three children. 

Howard Cunningham had three children!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was the youngest, the sister. Then the middle child, the annoying one.  And finally the eldest. Chuck was a fixture in the neighborhood. He always had a basketball with him.  And then, suddenly, he was gone. When asked about him at first Howard said that he had gone to live with an aunt.  But later it was like he erased him from existence.  He kept telling people he only had two children.  That’s when we knew we had to investigate.

With one group of detectives keeping Cunningham under surveillance, another group put pressure on a local mechanic named Arthur Fonzarelli.

Young, dumb and an accessory to murder!

Cunningham and Fonzarelli were tight and we suspected that if there was foul play that Fonzarelli, who was known as “The Fonz”, was probably involved.  He was younger and dumber than Cunningham and we figured that he could be turned easier.  So we picked him up. He was brought in for questioning and we put the pressure on him.  “We know what you did” we said.  “Tell us how you killed Chuck Cunningham.”  That’s when he started crying like a little bitch.  He confessed all.  He told us how Cunningham had called him and said he needed help disposing of something. It was when he got to the Cunningham residence that he saw that Chuck was lying face down on the kitchen floor. He told us that Howard had stabbed him repeatedly when Chuck wouldn’t stop dribbling the basketball. They wrapped Chuck in a blanket and buried him in the back yard.

As to why the other members of the Cunningham family never said anything about their missing brother and the newly dug grave in the back yard, detectives speculate that they were afraid to say anything.

Cunningham was a vicious character with a violent tempter.  We believe that he showed the grave to his family and said “You’re next if you say anything.” Well that would intimidate anyone.  That would explain why the sister started sleeping around and the other brother started losing his hair.  It was the stress of keeping the secret.

Once he was arrested detectives put pressure on Cunningham to name others involved.

We suspected that he and Fonzarelli didn’t act alone.  Someone had to help chopping the body up before they buried it.  Sure enough, Cunningham gave up two friends of his surviving son named Potsie and Ralph. 

Ruthless killers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we picked them up and charged them as accessories to murder.

The district attorney has announced that he intends to seek the death penalty.

“Given the egregious nature of the crime it was felt that the ultimate penalty was necessary. My only regret is we can’t execute Richie Cunningham as well.  I don’t think he was involved but he’s so damn annoying he deserves to be executed” he told reporters.

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Oh god I have the urge to poop!

The Jolly Green Giant, long seen as a harmless character, had a disastrous attack of diarrhea today which resulted in an entire town being destroyed.

“It was the most horrible thing I’ve even seen” said one local resident.

Parents were trying to shield their children.  People were praying.  People were drowning. This is a small town and everyone knows everyone else. To see people I’ve known my entire life swept away and drowned in the flood was just too much.  I tell you I haven’t this triggered since Trump was sending mean tweets.

Source say that the trouble began shortly after the Jolly Green Giant was gifted with a batch of Gingerbread cookies.

“He kept going around town saying ‘I have the urge to poop’ ” said another townsperson.

We just thought he was joking. He’s a character he is.  Normally he’s quite harmless and we tolerate him. Well, mostly harmless. He only wears a green loincloth that looks like it’s made from leaves. So when he’s standing over you everyone can see his junk. And that can be pretty traumatic.

But people soon learned the horrible truth:  The Jolly Green Giant wasn’t kidding.

He was down on Main Street when he squatted and said “Oh god it’s coming out of my ass like lava. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all those ginger bread cookies.” And then boom!  A river of molten brown liquid rushed down Main Street killing everything in its path.

Rescue personnel were called in to help survivors.

“We were able to save those that were clinging to treetops” said a National Guard spokesman.

Unfortunately most were buried under the brown river. We were able to reach a few by cell phone. They all said the same thing: They were trapped in their cars and liquid feces was pouring in. Then we lost contact.  We knew they were all dead.  And probably smelled pretty revolting.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Reacting to the tragedy the Biden Administration has announced a new three billion dollar “Build Back Better Shitholes” initiative.

“If only there was a system of federally funded holes in the ground this would never have happened” said White House spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre.

President Biden, as all Democrats do, feels very strongly that Jolly Green Giants should be able to squat and relieve themselves without shame. In large ditches. Probably 20-25 feet deep. Built with union labor. But if that gets too expensive we’ll just have some undocumented immigrants do it.

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More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News

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The Jolly Green Giant has expressed remorse over his bowel incident.

“I’m pretty lactose intolerant and am thinking of changing my diet. I certainly have no desire to destroy another town. Unless the town was filled with deplorables.”

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All I did was bring a blanket to school!

Local child Linus Van Pelt has been expelled “with extreme prejudice” from the elementary school he was enrolled in after teachers and administrators became concerned over his “binary and nationalistic” beliefs.

Sources report that Van Pelt had always been on the school board’s radar.

“He brought his blanket to school” said a member of the board.

He called it his “security blanket.”  Naturally this triggered many of the students.  They wondered why Linus got to be secure while they live in the hellhole of failed expectations. We asked Linus to keep his blanket at home.  After all, if he had a security blanket then all the students would want a security blanket. And then the entire district would be triggered.

When Linus refused to keep his security blanket home a compromise was reached and it was decided that he could bring the blanket as long as he called it his “blanket of oppression.”

We at the board felt that calling it a blanket of oppression would help remind students of the structural and institutional racism of the white man.  We are all oppressed by the white man. Yes I know I’m white as well but I’m a Democrat and that means I’m sophisticated enough to fight the oppression that my people do.

Soon however new trouble arose when Linus was selected for the school “Holiday” play.

We don’t like to call it a “Christmas” play as Christmas is an inherently non-inclusive holiday. We want to bring the holiday more in line with Islamic values. That’s why we threw the homosexual art teacher off the roof. It’s a start anyway. But back to Linus. He insisted on adding a speech about the true meaning of “Christmas” to the play. Well once we found out the hate-filled nature of the speech we became extremely triggered and expelled him from school.

Not only has Linus been expelled but his parents have been banned from attending any school board meetings.

These parents. Really!  They think just because they raise their children that they know what’s best for them. Do they have advanced degrees in education?  I don’t think so. We are the experts. We are the ones who know what children really want. And what children really want is to change their gender.

Note:  As a service to my readers I now present Linus’s speech from the Holiday play. I must warn people that the language is strong and hateful. If any readers become triggered we suggest they contact their local mental health hotline or donate to the Democratic Party.

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H.R. Pufnstuf, victim of CIA assassination plot!

Documents recently declassified from the National Archives show what many over the years have suspected:  The CIA planned and carried out the assassination of H.R. Pufnstuf.

“I asked someone from the National Archives if the CIA was involved” said a reporter looking into the documents.

And he said “Definitely. It was a CIA op from the get go.” These were harrowing words to hear.  Think about it.  Our intelligence community was involved in the assassination of an American citizen.  Not an enemy overseas. But an American on American soil.  We have to face up to the fact that our country is not what we thought it was.  It’s all been a sham.

According to the documents the decision to kill Pufnstuf was made by future president George H.W. Bush, who was Director of the CIA at the time.

“Bush was obsessed with Pufnstuf” said a source within the archives.

He viewed Pufnstuf’s popularity with the younger generation as troubling and thought he was a threat to Our Democracy. Also there were rumors that Pufnstuf was a white nationalist with ties to radical militia groups. 

Pufnstuf photographed with his white supremacist militia buddies

Wishing to rid America of what he viewed as its greatest menace, Bush arranged for a CIA officer named Freddy the Flute

Freddy the flute was a patriot and loyal CIA officer!

to gain access to Pufnstuf’s inner circle.

This was easy for Freddy to do.  Pufnstuf was, how shall we put it, rather naïve.  He believed in the essential goodness in people, which only exists in Hollywood movies and certain sections of Nebraska. So Freddy was able to ingratiate himself with Pufnstuf and report on him and his white nationalist buddies. Pufnstuf never suspected a thing.  I guess he thought if he couldn’t trust an anthropomorphic flute whom could he trust?

With intel provided by Freddy the plan to assassinate Pufnstuf gained momentum.

Since Pufnstuf trusted Freddy they had Freddy pretend that he wanted to bring him to a truce meeting with his arch nemesis Wilhemina W. Witchiepoo.

Absolutely Not Meg Ryan post plastic surgery

In reality the meeting was a setup.  Once H.R. arrived, Freddy the Flute shot him twice in the back of the head.

Pufnstuf’s body was brought to a local trash incineration facility and heated to over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  Pufnstuf’s militia buddies Cling and Clang, Dr. Blinky, Pop Lolly and the Hippie Ants were “disappeared” shortly thereafter. No one will say what happened to their bodies but rumor has it they were all buried in the end zone of the old Meadowlands Sports Arena in New Jersey.

As for the man who ordered the hit, George H.W. Bush was deeply affected by what he did.

“I was with him when he died” said a CIA officer.  “And his last words were ‘Pufnstuf you magnificent bastard I read your book!’  We don’t know what he meant by that but we think the book was Pufnstuf’s militia manual.”

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