Death to the Infidel!

Christmas could be a major disappointment this year for boys and girls around the world after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who used his signature proboscis to guide Santa through rough weather, announced his conversion to Islam.

“I only follow The Prophet now” said Rudolph.

Christmas is a holiday of the infidel, the crusader, the ones who must submit to Sharia Law. I will not help the infidel spread his unholy practices. They are an abomination. Death to the crusader! Death to Santa! Allah Akbar!

Sources report that Rudolph has recently begun acting strangely and was no longer the lovable reindeer everybody could count on.

“Rudolph has saved my bacon many times” said Santa.

And I’ve always counted on him every Christmas Eve to guide my sleigh. Even if the weather wasn’t that bad Rudolph would be right up in front guiding it. It was good for morale. Well except that one year he had a gastrointestinal bug and let loose a stream of diarrhea that landed right in Donner’s face somewhere over Canada. Donner sure was angry about that. I thought it was funny.  I laughed my ass off as Donner shouted “Jesus, Mary and Joseph I’ve got shit on my face!” I thought I would bust a gut. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Rudolph told me he won’t guide my sleigh this year. Looks like we’re screwed.

When Rudolph announced his conversion and his decision to not guide Santa’s sleigh an emergency meeting with Santa, top reindeer and elves was held at the North Pole. It didn’t go well.

“Santa was in panic mode” said an elf who attended and who wishes to remain anonymous.

I thought the old man was going to have a stroke.

Santa is getting too old for this shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was red in the face and hyperventilating. He kept saying “You motherf*ckers better find me another red nosed reindeer or so help me I’m eating venison tonight!” Needless to say that didn’t go over well with the reindeer. Most of them would have walked out but Santa has them under contract for life.  Look I know why Santa is upset. And don’t give me that “He loves handing out presents” bullshit. He gets paid by the percentage of houses he visits. The more houses the more the fat one makes. Doesn’t matter to us. We’re contractors and get paid the same whether Santa flies or not.

Finally threatened by the loss of his income Santa asked the U.S. Air Force if they had some spare B 52s that could fly the presents around the world. Unfortunately, being the U.S. Air Force, no planes were operational. Santa then cut an emergency last-minute deal with Fed Ex whereby Fed Ex would deliver the toys for a cut of Santa’s cut.

“You do what you have to do. Besides venison tastes awful” said Santa.

As for Rudolph he has split with longtime partner Clarice after she refused to be have her clitoris circumcised.

“It’s what the prophet wants” demanded Rudolph.

“I should have known better than to trust men” said Clarice.

“From now on it’s only female deer for me.”

(8)

You’re on the naughty list!

With Christmas eight days away it is my pleasure to snag an interview with the man of the hour. None other than Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus himself.

MI: Good afternoon Santa Claus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

SC: Are you sure?  You’re on my naughty list.

MI: What?  Why?

SC: I know about you and the intern.

MI: In my defense she asked me to take it out.  But anyway. It’s not about me. Tell me what’s it like being Santa.

SC: I love it. I love children and it brings me such joy to see the faces of the children when they open their toys.

MI: That must be gratifying. Tell me do you still leave coal in the stockings of bad boys and girls?

SC: No. Not anymore. The EPA got all in my face. Coal being a pollutant and all. So I stopped.

MI: So what do you leave in their stockings now?

SC: Feces. And believe me with all the cookies left out for me I have plenty of fecal matter to go around.

MI: You crap in their stockings?

SC: Yep. It’s justice. You crap all over your brothers and sisters all year and Santa is going to lay a big one right in your stocking. Sends a message that I am to be taken seriously or I’ll shit all over you.

MI: I see.

SC: And to tell the truth sometimes Santa just has to relieve his bowels. It’s a long night, lots of ground to cover. You go where you can.

MI: You bring up an interesting point. Where does Santa go?

SC: Being Santa is a lot like being a taxi driver. There are always bars you can jump into for a quick bathroom break. That’s why I like cities. More bathrooms. I remember once I stopped in at a bar in New York on Broadway and Thayer to use the bathroom. There was a couple having sex in the stall next to me so I asked if I could join.  “I’ll give you more presents” I said. So she and he let me. I tell you the passion. My knees were weak. I was barely able to finish my rounds that Christmas.

MI: Um. Back to the children and the looks of joy on their faces.

SC: Oh screw the children. Do you want to know what I really enjoy most about Christmas?

MI: No, what?

SC: All the MILFs.  So many MILFs looking for some Santa action.

MI:  Um. I – 

SC: I remember one time I was banging this MILF and Rudolph yells down the chimney “For God’s sake Santa. Can’t you premature ejaculate or something?  We have a schedule to keep.”  I ignored him. When you’re in the zone you’re in the zone.

MI: Okay, I had better – 

SC: So much sex. I’ve had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain.

MI: How do you avoid STDs?

SC: What makes you think I have? Why do you think I wear a beard?  Take a look at this son.

[Santa parts his beard to show Manhattan Infidel his cheek]

MI: Oh my god. You’re skin is dissolving! And putrid!

SC: Santa doesn’t like to use protection. It reduces my pleasure. 

MI: I had better go.

SC: Leave some cookies out for me this  year, will you?  And I prefer Charmin toilet paper. So soft on Santa’s ass.

And so ended my interview. You know I think Santa should familiarize himself with the phrase “Too much Information.”  Because…..damn!

(3)

Who could possibly host this shit show?

With the news that Kevin Hart was out as host of the Oscars less than a week after being named the search is on for a new host of this year’s Academy Awards.

Using my contacts in show business grifters and whores I have come up with a list of people who could be possible replacements. And so dear readers NSA sit back and enjoy this preview of who might be hosting the Academy Awards this March.

• Michael Moore 
  

  Give me food!

Pluses

As a former Academy Award winner Moore knows how important the Oscars are to Hollywood. He is also a fat, disgusting pig who hates America, keeping him in sync with core Hollywood values.

Minuses

The Academy needs to make money on the Oscars and let’s face it the bill alone from catering all the food Moore wants would put the show in the red.

• Roberto Benigni 
  

  Who the hell is this clown?

Pluses

Also an Academy Award winner and will work for free. (See above and “Academy needs to make money”)

Minuses

Largely forgotten and no one will watch a show with him hosting. (See above and “Academy needs to make money.”)

• Wayne Brady 
  

  Technically black

Pluses

He’s black, people! Come on let’s give him a hand!

Minuses

He’s not authentically black.

• Kirk Douglas 
  

  An old white man

Pluses

At 102 he is the last remaining movie star from Hollywood’s golden era.

Minuses

He’s an old white man and if the Academy wanted to appeal to old white men it would hire Wayne Brady.

• Abraham Lincoln 
  

  The binary Republican

Pluses

He freed the slaves!

Minuses

He was a Republican and rumored to be binary.  Also:  Dead

• God 
  

  Typical Christian

Pluses

Being God and all-perfect and all-knowing he will not hand out the wrong envelopes during the live telecast.

Minuses

A Christian and will probably get all preachy and shit during the live telecast.

• Pete Best 
  

  His timing sucks

Pluses

Can’t think of any but he’s probably pretty cheap to hire. (see “The Academy needs to make money.“)

Minuses

The Academy Awards is a live broadcast and Pete’s timing sucks.  He’ll probably finish and go home a half hour before the show ends and then spend the rest of his life blaming Ringo.

And there you have it. No matter who hosts the show this year we can be sure of one thing: The show will really suck.  Maybe if Hollywood wasn’t expending all its energy raping each other they’d be able to produce something that isn’t shit.

(11)

Frost is an alt-right white nationalist

Well-known anthropomorphic snowman Frosty has seen his popularity plummet after being accused of gender- and trans-phobia.

“I don’t know what to say” said a chastened Frosty.

I don’t know what they are talking about! I love children and would never harm nor confuse them in any way.  I just wanted some company on my trip to the North Pole. That’s why I brought along the little girl Karen. I even asked permission. I knocked on the door to her mother’s house and said “Hi. I’m Frosty the Snowman. I’m going to the North Pole. May I take your disturbingly sexy little girl 

How dare you assume this child’s gender!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

along with me?”  I asked permission for God’s sake. I thought everything was cool between her mother and I. But then I find her attacking me on Twitter. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

Unbeknownst to Frosty, as he was travelling to the North Pole with the disturbingly sexy little girl Karen, her mother had launched an all-out social justice warrior assault against him.

“It’s not often an anthropomorphic snow man knocks on my door” said the mother.

I am a tolerant person so I didn’t scream and call the police. I respected our difference of species. I am not species-ist. I did notice he was naked and had no genitalia. But so did my third husband. So what? But when he asked if my little girl could go with him? Hello? Little girl? How dare he assume my child’s gender! I have raised my child to be gender neutral. Just because it prefers to identify as a girl at this stage in its life does not mean it is female!

The outraged mother took to social media to vent her anger and righteousness. Soon even the cable news outlets took up the subject to castigate Frosty for his backwardness.

“You have to wonder about the cultural level of this snowman” said CNN anchor Don Lemon.

In the 21st century for someone to assume anyone’s gender is problematic to say the least. Could he have possibly assumed the disturbingly sexy child’s gender because he is binary and heterosexual?

Over at MSNBC, Al Sharpton blamed the racism that is inherent in American society.

“Frosty is typical of white snowmen” said the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in America.

By their actions you will know them. Frosty has proven that white snowmen cannot be trusted. He may be wearing a stovepipe hat but I bet underneath he has a Make America Great Again hat. What else do you expect from Donald Trump’s America?

************************************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

************************************************************************************************************

Frosty the alt-white nationalist snowman has died. Sources say he met his death in a greenhouse.

The alt-right white nationalist snowman after his death

“Frosty knew the greenhouse temperature would kill him” said the disturbingly sexy child Karen.

“But he did it to keep me warm. That was just the type of selfless snowman he was. Though I really shouldn’t call him a snowman.  That is just assuming his gender. And that is wrong.”

(23)

Tensions in the band have been rising for months

International singing sensation The Seven Dwarfs have announced that they are breaking up.

The group, who shot to fame with their smash hit “Heigh Ho” about the dreary life of working in a mine have said in a statement that “Personal, business and musical” differences have led to this decision and that they expect their assets to be distributed “Evenly and without bitterness.”

However despite the group’s optimism those behind the scenes say that long-simmering feuds and resentments may lead to years of lawsuits and mudslinging.

“Look what it all boils down to is that Grumpy and Happy can no longer stand to be in the same room together” said their long time publicist.

They are two profoundly different dwarfs with different personalities, abilities and musical tastes. Grumpy is more sarcastic and wanted to move the band into a more experimental direction. He also could not stand the song that made them famous. He used to always tell me “If I have to sing ‘Heigh Ho’ one more time I’ll pose nude for an album cover and get me a Japanese girlfriend.” He also has a very sharp tongue and can be very intimidating. I think he was bored with The Dwarfs and wanted out.  Happy on the other hand loved Heigh Ho and would sing it every chance he got.  He loved being a part of The Dwarfs and wanted the band to go on forever. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

In addition to the differences between Grumpy and Happy other members of The Dwarfs had begun to resent what they felt was Happy’s overbearing manner in the studio.

“Happy was always telling me how to play my damn guitar” said Bashful.

I resented that. I was their f*cking lead guitarist. I know how to play. Let me play. I didn’t need pretty boy Happy lecturing me on chord progression. Screw him. 

But perhaps the group could have survived all these conflicts if not for their business differences.

“Happy wanted to hire his father-in-law while Grumpy wanted to hire the guy we fired”  said a good friend of the band, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.

I mean I love Grumpy. Such an original talent. But he’s a little naive when it comes to business. We fired this guy because he was a crook and stole our songs. We don’t even own our own songs. Now Grumpy wants him to be their manager?  I tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen to me. I blame his girlfriend Snow White. Bitch broke up a great band.

While many are hoping for a reunion, judging from Grumpy’s first post-Dwarf single called “Happy How Do You Sleep at Night”  that does not appear to be likely.

So Heigh Ho took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother’s eyes
Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head

The Dwarf’s drummer Dopey is reported to be in Nashville cutting a country album, while the other three members, Doc, Sleepy and Dopey have announced that they will be opening for The Who on their summer tour.

(11)

Totally not batshit crazy

Former Actress Rose McGowan took to the airwaves to complain about the treatment her androgynous gender-fluid z/she partner Rain Dove was accorded in a public bathroom.

“This is ridiculous” said the once hot and in-demand actress though I know I should not use the term actress as that is gender specific and we live in an enlightened gender-fluid world.

My partner Rain Dove is the most feminine gender-fluid z/she I have ever met. I fell in love with z/she at first site. How can anyone mistake z/she for a man? I mean come on!  Just look at z/she!

Also not batshit crazy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Z/she is totally a woman. Totally. Female in every respect. Except for her rippling biceps and forearms.  God I love watching her chop wood. She’s very strong. Yet also totally feminine in a non-binary fashion. Just like Michael J. Fox. This woman, I’m sorry I mean this z/she, is the love of my life. I don’t want a penis. I’m done with penises. And I’m not just saying that because producers stopped trying to sleep with me. When I’m lying next to Rain Dove in bed z/she’s the next best thing to having a man. If I were into binary beings that is. But Rain Dove, who is totally feminine, was assaulted in a ladies restroom by someone who thought she was swinging a dick. 

Still not batshit crazy and totally feminine and if you don’t think so you have a problem!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though I don’t know how they could have come to that conclusion frankly. Z/she doesn’t have a dick. At least not yet. Rain Dove reserves the right to get one in the future. We don’t know where we’ll get one. I tried Dick’s Sporting Goods but, hello, no dicks. Talk about false advertising.

Because the totally feminine in a non-binary fashion Rain Dove was assaulted in a woman’s restroom, McGowan has petitioned her state assemblywoman to ban binary restrooms in California.

The way I see it is the problem isn’t that Rain Dove and I are obviously batshit insane 

Totally not a batshit insane couple

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

but that gender preconceptions in this deeply sexist society are holding us back. That is why we must have gender-fluid restrooms. Teenage and pre-teen girls might as well get used to seeing swinging dicks in restrooms. It will help their careers later on in life. At least that’s what Harvey Weinstein told me when he swung his dick in my face at an audition. He doesn’t do that anymore. Come to think of it it’s been about 20 years since any man has touched me. But I don’t need them. I have Rain Dove who is the next best think to having a dick but without all that toxic masculinity.

**********************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

**********************************************************************************************

Michael J. Fox has been assaulted in a men’s restroom in Los Angeles.

“I don’t want ladies in the men’s restroom” said the attacker.

When informed that Michael J. Fox was indeed a man the attacker expressed remorse.

“Wow. Serves me right for having preconceived notions of gender identity. Boy do I have egg on my face.”

(14)

We were never funny!

The reboot of Murphy Brown, the long-running and deeply unfunny sitcom from 30 years ago has been cancelled after only 13 episodes it has been revealed.

“Sadly our show has been cancelled” said one of the show’s producers.

I guess Americans were just too stupid to understand the witty humor we use on the show. That and they were all racists. These are troubling times. With Orange Man Bad in the White House using his alt-right racist white power message to attract the racist, uneducated, uncouth white voters in flyover country our show stood as an important bulwark of freedom. Our message of trusting the elite and letting the technocrats rule over those less educated was a shining beacon of hope. But as I said the public would rather do what they want instead of following our orders. At least that’s my theory. I mentioned it at the party I went to last night when i was deciding which teenage boy to sodomize. I hate America!

The star of Murphy Brown herself, Candice Bergen, confirmed the show’s cancellation in a message to fans.

“Right now I am ashamed to be an American” said the woman born into privilege and the daughter of Hollywood royalty, Edgar Bergen.

I have lived my entire life by the principles I learned in the 1960s: Question authority (unless they are Democrats), don’t trust anyone over 30 (unless they are Democrats), drop a lot of hallucinogenics (God is a bourgeois construct) and sleep with people you’ve never met before. Of course now that I’m in my seventies I’m finding that men in their twenties aren’t interested in having sex with me. I blame the patriarchy. But anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Racist, patriarchal America didn’t watch our show. I can’t understand why. We were smug. We had jokes about Trump. We represented the spirit of the 1960s. We liked Hillary Clinton. We represented the resistance to Donald Trump and the racists who voted for him. We were preachy and deeply unfunny. Why wouldn’t people want to watch us?

All but one of the original cast of the show that was never funny to begin with signed up for the even worse reboot.  Robert Pastorelli, who played house painter Eldin Bernecky, died of a drug overdose in 2004.

“It’s just as well he wasn’t in the reboot” said Bergen.

This was a show about the brave elite fighting Donald Trump and his racism. To put a working class character into the mix would have just muddled our message of resistance and trusting the elite. You know that’s what’s wrong with America today. The working class doesn’t listen to us. They are too concerned with getting overtime and paying bills. Selfish of them really.

While the cast insists that the deeply unfunny reboot of the deeply unfunny sitcom from the 1980s and 1990s was cancelled because of Donald Trump many insist that the deeply unfunny reboot of the deeply unfunny sitcom was simply too deeply unfunny for anyone to watch.

“Watching the show was like having a hairy, greasy 400 pound man fart in your face. It was totally unnecessary” said one critic.

(2)