Strike Averted as Santa, Rudolph and Elves Hammer Out New Collective Bargaining Agreement!

A photo taken during a break in negotiations

A photo taken during a break in negotiations

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And there will be a Christmas this year. After months of painful negotiations Santa has reached a labor deal with the elves.

“We have labor peace in our time” said the worn-out Christmas father figure.

These negotiations were tense and there were times when I thought a strike was inevitable and I would have to hire replacement workers for the Christmas rush. I haven’t had to do that since Nixon took the U.S. off the gold standard and devalued the elves wages. There were a lot of compromises. And compromises are like medicine: they go down bitter but produce good fruit. I’m confident that for the foreseeable future many of the contentious issues that almost led to the strike will not be a factor.

Among the points of disagreement that have been resolved are break times, sing-a-longs and Rudolph’s access to the toy factory.

Santa continues:

I gave the elves a ten-minute break every morning. I thought that was generous. Hell if it were up to me I wouldn’t have given them any breaks. My workshop is not a safe space. You want to be paid? Earn it motherf*cker. But apparently labor laws have changed and my lawyers advised me to bend on this. So now the short little shits get 15-minute breaks twice a day. Pussies.

Another issue resolved was the dreaded “sing-a-long.”

I used to have the elves sing to me. This was not optional. It was mandatory and laid out in the employee manual. The singing relaxed me. And I think it relaxed the elves as well. They always smiled. I thought it was because they were happy but now I find out it was from fear and they hated singing to me. So the sing-a-long has been abolished. Well screw them. I have my music on my smart phone now anyway. It’s their loss. One less chance to get on my good side. And you do want to be on my good side come employee evaluation time.

Also, Santa’s right-hand man, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer will be banned from the factory floor.

A lot of the elves didn’t like him and thought he was my snitch. Well, of course he was! How else was I to know who were the happy, loyal elves and who were the malcontents living off my largess? I needed Rudolph on the floor. He looked out for my interests and if perchance there was an elf that we had to take out back to the woodshed, Rudolph was just the one to do it. How did he let me know who was bad? I’ll tell you the secret. It was his nose. He’d make it glow to point out the bad elves. But from now on he will be strictly confined to the executive suites. I guess I’ll have to invest in security cameras on the floor now.

But with labor peace achieved, Santa can get back to preparing for his busiest night of the year, if he survives that is.

“Mrs. Claus is always trying to fatten me up.  “Papa, eat! Eat! We need a fat Santa for Christmas.”  Personally I think the bitch is trying to kill me.”

(0)

Millionaire Socialist Asshole Defends Billionaire Socialist Asshole

I have a lot in common with Fidel Castro: We both hate America

I have a lot in common with Fidel Castro: We both hate America and don’t know our ass from a hole in the ground

In the week since the rise into eternal socialist life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro many have praised him.

Perhaps no eulogy has been as heart-felt as soclalist, oppressed victim of color and backup quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick.

“Fidel has done so much for the Cuban people” said the rarely used backup quarterback.

One thing that Fidel Castro did do is they have the highest literacy rate because they invest more in their education system than they do in their prison system.  Literacy is important. Not everyone can grow up to be a rarely-used backup quarterback making 20 million a year in the NFL. I myself read at an 8th grade level. But I have football. Cubans do not have football. Which is why they need literacy. Literacy is important. They can read books while in prison awaiting execution.

The brave, 19 million a year socialist intellectual and backup quarterback then went on to discuss the difference between the United States and Cuba: the oppression of peoples of color and the breaking up of families.

We do break up families here. That’s what mass incarceration is. That was the foundation of slavery. So our country has been based on that as well as the genocide of Native Americans. You know Native Americans were socialists. They held all property in common. That’s why the capitalist Americans oppressed them. They don’t break up families in Cuba. When one member goes to jail, they all go to jail.

Kaepernick then went on to talk about  how he plans to use his remaining time as a football player to honor Castro.

Socialism is all about equality. Socialism is all about redistribution. Therefore whenever I am playing, and granted as a back up quarterback making 19 million that’s not often, I plan to use my football skills to help the opposing team score as much as we are. I know that may shock many of our fans but our fans must realize that there is more to life than winning. Like in Cuba. No one is winning in Cuba. Everyone shares the same poverty. Equality. It’s a hallmark of socialism.

During the off season Kaepernick plans on living in Cuba.

It’s a socialist worker’s paradise. I am a worker. A 19-million a year worker. I look forward to being surrounded by brothers and sisters of color living a life free from capitalism. That is Fidel’s gift to his people. I’ve been told to bring toilet paper since there is a shortage on the island, probably from US embargoes. Capitalist pigs!

He then closed his press conference by once again praising Castro.

“The man was color blind and did not oppress peoples of color. At least the ones he didn’t put in jail. But they were probably capitalists.”

(1)

Peaceful Man Totally Not a Member of the Religion of Peace Runs Over and Stabs Students at Ohio State

We may never know his motives.

We may never know his motives.

On Monday the campus of Ohio State was shaken when a student, for reasons we may never know, ran his car into students before being shot by a white man.

“We are all shocked and saddened by this” said an official at Ohio State.

We have absolutely no idea what his motives could be. But I must stress that we not rush to judgement. Perhaps he was upset over the presidential election results. Perhaps he was upset over the institutional racism of white America. Perhaps he was distressed that free healthcare will now be a thing of the past thanks to the Republicans. But no matter what his motives may have been I think we can all agree on one thing: Hillary Clinton won the popular vote and therefore should be president. The Electoral College is racist.

Students at Ohio State who were in the path of the suspect’s car were treated for stab wounds, injuries as the result of being run over by a car and institutional white racism.

“The victims are all being treated” according to a spokesman at a nearby hospital.

They are all in a state of shock, as you can imagine. We are treating their injuries as best we can. We have set up safe spaces in the hospital where the victims can play with teddy bears and stuffed dolls and talk about their feelings. Many are frightened of what else a conservative white person might do to them. We are trying to calm them down and instill in them their own guilt for being complicit in the racist system of the under-educated white man. Oh, and yeah, some of them have stab wounds. We’ll treat those.

The unjustly-shot suspect, Abdul Razak Artan, was an OSU student who feared for his life because of white backlash after the Donald Trump election. He had recently posted on his facebook page the following:

I am sick and tired of seeing my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters being killed and tortured EVERYWHERE … I can’t take it anymore. America! Stop interfering with other countries … [if] you want us Muslims to stop carrying lone wolf attacks.

The FBI, which has been called in to investigate the case are at a loss as to what this post might mean.

“Our current theory is that his Facebook page was hacked” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

He was a Muslim after all. And Islam is the Religion of Peace. I’m sure a practitioner of this religion would not make threats. Unless they deserved it. Or were non-believers. In any event we at the FBI are confident we can place the blame squarely where it belongs: On Tea Baggers or Donald Trump supporters. It’s just like a Trump supporter to try and frame a person of color.

As for the unfortunate and framed Abdul Razak Artan, he was shot dead by a white officer. That officer has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation of his racism.

Governor John Kasich of Ohio has announced that he has asked the Federal government to send him more Somali refugees.

“We must fight racism wherever we can”said the governor.

(4)

Pumpkin Carver Thinks He’s Goddamn Michelangelo or Something!

I am an artist!

I am an artist!

Every year in the weeks leading up to Halloween local resident William Fletcher can be seen in his studio, hunched over a bunch of pumpkins, furiously carving away.

“I’m an artist and this is my art” he will tell anyone that listens.

Every year I carve thousands of pumpkins into all shapes, sizes and designs. I’m proud of my art. I have thousands of pumpkins. Thousands. Would you like to buy some? Okay how about one? Just one? Please mister buy some pumpkins. They are starting to rot and I’m running out of room in the basement. It’s my wife’s house you see. She bought it. She has a job. A good one. She pays all my bills.  She’s very tolerant of my art you see. She believes in me and my artistic ability. I mean oh sure sometimes she drops subtle hints like “Why don’t you get off your ass and get a f*cking job” but I know that she’s just stressed from work. I don’t want to get political but what sort of cruel capitalist society expects people to earn a living?

The local pumpkin carver admits that carving pumpkins was not his first foray into the arts.

I tried being a writer. I wrote a few plays, books, short stories and poetry but every teacher who saw my writing would just shake their head and say, “This is shit. You really suck. You have no talent.” But I forgave them all. Living in a cruel capitalistic society such as America they were forced to earn a living at teaching rather than being paid to write. Socialist countries do that you know. We could learn a lot from them.

Stymied by the jealousy of his instructors he then turned to music.

I formed a band with a friend of mine who is a lawyer. But he lost his license because he was always showing up drunk to court. Shame really. I was depending on the money he made to pay for our instruments. Hey look, he had a job so he was the business side. I was the artistic side. We got a few gigs but everyone kept telling us that we sucked and had no talent. They were jealous and just wanted us to fail. Capitalism does that. It destroys people. If only we would adopt the socialist system that Europe has.

Unable to make a living as a musician he finally picked up sculpting.

Michelangelo is my hero. That man was talented. He could carve anything. Shame he lived in the capitalist and superstitious middle ages where he had to carve for benefactors rather than himself. But I wanted to follow in his footsteps. But marble is hard to carve so I turned to pumpkins. You know not just anyone can carve pumpkins. It’s a very exclusive club. Okay so I bought a book on how to carve pumpkins. Shame that a capitalist society like America forces pumpkin-carving artists to shill their wares online instead of paying them to teach their art. But I digress. Now I’m a pumpkin carver. I’ve found my artistic vocation. I mean sure I haven’t sold any yet. Most people who look at my pumpkins just laugh and tell me I suck. But I’m confident I will finally sell one. I hope I do. My wife says that If I don’t start pulling my weight she’ll throw me out. I should have never ratified our relationship with the so-called marriage bond. It’s so bourgeois. But yeah, I have to sell some. Now. I don’t want to get thrown out on the street. She makes lots of money and it’s a nice house.

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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

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Local, talentless would-be pumpkin carver William Fletcher has been thrown out of the house he was living in with his wife after being unable to sell any of his pumpkin carvings and was last spotted living under a bridge.

“My wife is such a capitalist pig! Imagine throwing me out! One day she’ll be sorry. Boy it’s cold out here. Climate change you know. Capitalism destroys the environment too!”

(20)

Cuba’s Bernie Sanders Compassionately Redistributes His Life!

Socialism is a compassionate economic system, believe me. No seriously. Believe me or go to jail

Socialism is a compassionate economic system, believe me. No seriously. Believe me or go to jail

Fidel Castro, widely hailed as “The greatest world leader since Winston Churchill” and “Cuba’s Bernie Sanders” has died.

When news of Fidel’s compassionate redistribution of his life reached the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I immediately had one reaction:

He has to redistribute his life on a weekend?  Dammit do you know how much blow I’ve done since 5 pm Friday? I’m in no shape to report on this! That’s just like a world leader. Always thinking of himself.

But being the consummate professional that I am I was out of blow anyway I booked a flight to Hell to report on this fast-moving event.

I arrived in Hell and was immediately subject to a strip search. My luggage was also misplaced and ended up in Los Angeles. (To be fair, many confuse the two.)

I asked around until I was able to locate the new resident of Hell.  I found Fidel addressing the damned in what appeared to be an eight-hour long speech.  Many of the damned seemed quite bored and were complaining.

“It’s bad enough I’m here for all eternity” said one tormented soul.

But I have to listen to this guy drone on four hours and hours?  I mean I’m used to being flayed alive but this is just cruel and unusual punishment. We have a union in Hell you know. I’ll file a grievance. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.

I noticed that Satan was not in attendance at Fidel’s speech and asked why.

He left hours ago. Kept looking at his watch and muttering “I have souls to torment, not be tormented by this socialist clown.” I think he’s in one of the lower circles of Hell now doing his thing. Just follow the screams.

While no one outside of the New York Times has ever interviewed Satan, and it would be a great feather in my cap, he was not the person I was here to see.  So I waited.

After 13 hours Fidel finished his speech and I approached him and told him I was a blogger from America who wanted to interview him.

Fidel was gracious and asked me to accompany him as he sought out his old comrade, Che Guevara.

“I know he’s here somewhere the old socialist dog.”

After exploring the lower circles of Hell Che was located, face down in a lava pit being whipped by a black serpent.  Che and Castro exchanged pleasantries and Castro asked him what he had been up to.

“Not much” Che responded.

I’m just sitting here being tortured for all eternity by this serpent. You noticed his skin color? He’s very energetic and conscientious in his duty. And all this time I thought Negroes were indolent. I guess I was proved wrong.

Finally it was time for Fidel to find what his punishment was:  He was to spend all eternity in a socialist workers paradise.

“Now that’s just cruel” he muttered.

Those places are drab and always have shortages of food, toilet paper and utilities. I ought to know. I ran one for 60 years. But that doesn’t mean I want to live in one.

“Still it could be worse” he said as he was led away.  “They could have made Teddy Kennedy my chauffeur.”

(3)

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Turkey Lives Matter Protesters Block Highways, Railways and Airports!

#turkeylivesmatter

#turkeylivesmatter

With millions preparing to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday, many will find themselves inconvenienced by the growing militancy of #Turkeylivesmatter.

“I started my commute a few days earlier” said one man who was travelling by car.

I wanted to beat the Wednesday evening rush so I left home on Tuesday. I had only gone a few miles when I came upon my first group of turkeys.  They had blocked the highway. Some were jumping up on cars and shitting on the windows. I’m pretty sure I saw a few carrying knives. I made the mistake of getting out of my car so i could see if there was a way around them. It was then that they surrounded me and started pecking at my genitals. I barely made it back to the car intact. I was frightened. My wife and children were crying. I got nothing against turkeys man but they are delicious.

Commuters on the Metro North line going from Manhattan to Poughkeepsie found themselves in the middle of a turkey riot.

“The train stopped just before Beacon and the conductor would not say why” said a commuter.

But we started to notice turkeys massing next to the train. Then the conductor came on and said, “I can’t hold them off any longer. God help us all!” Then a window was smashed and turkeys started coming into the car. One jumped onto my lap and got right into my face.

Hey whitey screw you and your privilege!

Hey whitey screw you and your privilege!

“Gobble gobble. Gonna eat me white man?” he kept saying.  That and “Hey, ho, human privilege has got to go.” Fortunately turkeys have long necks. So I grabbed him by it, broke the neck and put him in my backpack. Gonna cook him on Thanksgiving. Free turkey! I love it!

New York’s JFK Airport was placed in lockdown due to thousands of malevolent turkeys who ran onto runways and entered terminals.

“It was chaos. Sheer chaos. I haven’t seen such panic and misery since Madonna threatened to give us all blow jobs” said a security officer at JFK.

People were screaming, hiding under chairs. Families became separated in the fog of turkey war. The turkeys were carrying signs that said #Turkeylivesmatter and “Down with Human privilege.” One came right up to me and attacked me.

I reject you and your human privilege!

I reject you and your human privilege!

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a turkey? Dead, soulless eyes. Kind of like my mother-in-laws.

With highways, trains and airports shutdown because of turkey rioting it seems millions will not be able to get home for the holiday.

Outgoing President Barack Obama has appealed for calm while also expressing sympathy for the turkeys.

America is a rich, diverse nation with many competing and viable traditions. While Thanksgiving is one of those traditions we must respect those who do not celebrate this holiday. Such a people are the turkeys. Turkeys have long been oppressed by white America. Is it any wonder they are fighting back. We must respect them and bring them into the mainstream if America is to be a truly inclusive nation.

The President then ended on a joke.

“We have tentative steps in this direction. After all, haven’t we elected a turkey as president?”

(25)

Edith Keeler and Sarah Connor Form Support Group!

Edith Keeler and Sarah Connor: Marked women!

Edith Keeler and Sarah Connor: Marked women!

As is normal before their weekly meetings, Edith Keeler makes sure that there is plenty of coffee available. Her support group co-founder, Sarah Connor, is in charge of buying donuts.

The two women previously had nothing in common before they found out that they were both targeted for death.

“I don’t have to tell you that being targeted for death violated my safe space” said Connor as she arranged the donuts.

I mean I was living a pretty good life. You could say I was politically naive. But then this guy with a thick Austrian accent shows up and tries to kill me. He was targeting any woman who had my name. Well I don’t know what this guy’s story is and why he hates women named Sarah Connor. Perhaps he flew into a patriarchal rage when a woman named Sarah Connor refused his sexual advances. This really radicalized me. I realized that all men oppress women and want us dead. Well I’ve had enough of men and their mansplaining and trying to kill me! This woman is fighting back!

Edith Keeler seconded Sarah’s comments.

I run a shelter for indigent. You know because of capitalism times are bad. Anyway one day this pointy eared fellow, obviously he was Chinese and his ears got caught in a mechanical rice picker, tells me that I have to die. What is it with men?  Why are they always wanting me to die?  This has been happening since I was in high school and I refused to sleep with my prom date. He too wished me dead. Men! Their patriarchal dominance has made women powerless. I’m through with men. Heterosexuality is a bourgeois construct anyhow. Fortunately Sarah and I have developed a passionate lesbian bond. We have started a web cam where men pay to watch our lovemaking. Yeah, they pay! It’s about time we made the men pay!

The support group, “People Who Have Been Threatened With Death” originally started in the basement of Edith Keeler’s mission, with only her and Sarah.

But soon word of mouth got out and more people started attending their meetings.

“We now have a full house” said Keeler.

Thirty to forty people per meeting. Strangely enough, most of those attending used to work for the Clintons. Sadly they never seem to make it to a second meeting. I usually scan the obituaries and see their names. Sad but expected. 

So successful have they been that Keeler and Connor are considering franchising the meetings.

“Patriarchy kills” said Keeler.

It’s a very simple and easy to relate to message. Men are dangerous. They will kill us any chance they get. It’s time the sisterhood united! Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time for Sarah and I to document our passionate, yet tender lovemaking in another webcam session. Let’s make the patriarchy pay!

The pointy-eared China-man who got caught in a mechanical rice picker as a child and the burly, leather-clad Austrian could not be reached for comment.

(2)

Thousands of Mexicans Airdropped Into New York as Part of “Operation Sanctuary City”!

New York is a sanctuary city!

New York is a sanctuary city!

In a daring operation not seen since the Berlin Airlift, New York City has begun airdropping Mexicans trapped behind the lines in Red State America into the open arms of their sanctuary city.

“New York City is a progressive city” said mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

We reject the results of the last presidential election where white people voted out of fear and prejudice. We welcome all races, classes, creeds and gender designations. Okay, maybe not creeds. We do not welcome Christians. But everybody else is welcome in New York City. Except for the Irish and the Latvians, but that’s just common sense.

As part of Operation Sanctuary City, New York contracted with border cities in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona to fly their undocumented immigrants to Manhattan aboard surplus B-52s where they will be dropped onto a grateful and progressive city.  But before this can happen the Mexican (and other central American) undocumented are given rudimentary parachute lessons in hopes of easing their transition to the northern sanctuary city.

Test trials were run all summer with mixed results.

“A lot of the Mexicans were reluctant to jump out of the planes we provided” said a source at Operation Sanctuary City.

Perhaps they didn’t trust the parachutes we gave them. Granted they are used parachutes but we bought in bulk. It was cheaper. But most of the parachutes worked.  Perhaps it was a cultural thing. They associate jumping out of planes with the white man. Perhaps it was the fact that none of the instructors spoke Spanish. We hired Portuguese-speaking instructors because they were cheaper. And Portuguese is almost Spanish, right?

The results of the trials, where Mexicans were dropped onto Oklahoma City, Little Rock and Philadelphia, were for the most part promising.

A good 75 percent survived the jump, though the citizens of the test cities complained that many of the Mexicans landed on their cars or had no marijuana to sell them. So we started providing pot that we bought in Colorado to the Mexicans. After that residents complained that the Mexicans were still landing on their cars, but seemed more mellow when doing so.

With the trials deemed a success the actual drops on Manhattan began the day after the election. Many New Yorkers, stunned, scared and looking for safe spaces, welcomed the airlifted Mexicans.

“Look at all those future Democratic voters in the sky” said one upper west side resident.

The election has made all of us in Manhattan feel besieged by a giant wall of red state voters. We feel like oppressed minorities. The conservatives are always saying that we progressives have our heads in the clouds but I tell you when I saw all those beautiful, brown Mexicans dropping from the sky I thanked god I had my head in the clouds. I just wish they hadn’t landed on my car.

Because of complaints about Mexicans landing on their cars, city residents are asked on the days of drops to park their cars in indoor garages or paint on the roof of their car “Do not land here. Please.”

“I am confident that New Yorkers will welcome our new undocumented with open – son of a bitch! Did he just land on my car?” said an exasperated Mayor Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio.)

(14)

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Charlie the Tuna Captured, Kept Alive and Harvested for Fish Oil!

If you have any decency left in you please kill me now.

If you have any decency left in you please kill me now.

For years Charlie the Tuna hoped he would be selected by Star-Kist Tuna. But the call never came.

“They always rejected me. Said I wasn’t fresh enough” said Charlie.

Rejected by Star-Kist Charlie resigned himself to a life in the sea, knowing he’d never be able to see the exotic land above the water.

Then one day he got caught in a net and pulled onto a boat.

I was ecstatic.  Finally my time had come. I was being selected as fresh enough for Star-Kist tuna. I felt important. It’s such an honor among my people to become Star-Kist tuna. I pictured my relatives back in the sea and how proud they’d be of me.

But it was not to be.  Once on board the ship Charlie realized to his horror that he had been captured by fish oil harvesters who were “fracking the sea” in an attempt to extract the valuable substance.

Charlie was kept in a cell until the ship docked. He was then taken to a fish oil extraction factory.

At first I thought, “Okay, so I won’t be tuna. They want my fish oil. How bad can this be?” I soon found out. I wasn’t going to die. The human bastards were going to keep me alive, feeding me with tubes so they could have a supply of fish oil.

Strapped to a fish oil extraction board, Charlie watched helplessly as he was cut open and tubes inserted under his scales.

I have never felt such pain in my life. I lost consciousness at first. I consider that brief interlude of unconsciousness a gift from god because I soon developed a tolerance and was never able to sleep for long.

Among the constant whir of extraction machines, bright lights and constant 55 degree Fahrenheit temperature in the fish oil extraction room Charlie found sleep fitful.

As tubes kept him fed, other tubes simultaneously extracted his fish oil.

I soon realized to my horror that it would never end. I would never die. The bastards were going to keep me alive indefinitely for my oil. One fish next to me couldn’t take it and died one night. I envied him, the lucky son of a bitch.

One of the fish oil harvesters, seeing Charlie’s distress, took pity and gave him some worms.

It’s nothing personal, he told me. We just need your fish oil because of the health benefits. I still was being tortured but that took a little of the sting off. At least I knew that I was helping people. That made me feel good. Between extractions of course.

Longing for death, but knowing that it wouldn’t come for years, Charlie retreated to a fantasy world underneath the sea.

In my dreams I’m swimming in the ocean, free and happy, with my wife and children. We don’t have a care in the world. Just swimming. Happy. It’s a warm feeling.

But as always, Charlie would soon be brought back to reality by the pumping of the extraction machines.

“If anyone has any decency left, please come to the extraction chamber and kill me” he whimpered hopelessly.

(1)

Idiot Says Something Stupid!

I get confused easily and sometimes forget where I am

I get confused easily and sometimes forget where I am

Aging, decrepit, former Hollywood superstar Robert DeNiro was quoted as saying that the election of Donald Trump has him depressed. It’s a lingering depression that he hasn’t felt since 9/11.

“How am I doing? Very depressed” he told a reporter.  Well, he thought it was a reporter but the easily confused former actor mistook one of his six maids for a reporter.

Things are not going well in the United States. Things aren’t being done right. Our economy is in shambles because angry white men aren’t buying products. Our constitution is being ignored by angry white men without college degrees. Donald Trump is not my president.

The aging, incontinent actor then took a break from mistaking one of his maids for a reporter to spend 45 minutes on the toilet in a failed attempt to move his bowels.

I drink a lot more wine than I used to. It’s supposed to help me move my bowels. I drink pomegranate juice as well.  Laxatives, you name it. I’ve done them all. But still my bowels won’t move. Why the hell am I wearing diapers if I can’t go?

He then continued talking to his maid.

The results of election night brought back nightmares from 9/11. When it was announced that Trump was elected I once again saw the twin towers collapsing. I once again saw people jumping to their death rather than burn. I once again felt the horror of America attacked. I once again spent an hour on the toilet watching my penis slowly dribble out urine while I could not move my bowels.

After his nurse cleaned his diapers and wiped the drool off the side of his face, the over-the-hill, septuagenarian with compromised physical and mental capabilities continued his rant against the President-elect.

What is the electoral college for anyway? Why do we have it?  I mean someone once gave me a copy of the Federalist papers. It’s in a stack of books I have in my bathroom. I spend a lot of time in my bathroom now. Nothing ever happens. I sit and I sit but I never shit. My doctor thinks there may be a blockage of some sort. Like Donald Trump is blocking our Constitution.

The actor who is rarely seen in public and is easily confused by unfamiliar surroundings then dropped his pants.

Why can’t I go? Why can’t I go? I’m one of the elite. Give me a stool softener. Maybe that’ll make everything flow out, like the way Donald Trump is softening the Constitution to establish his alt-right dictatorship. I bet it was Donald Trump who brought down the towers on 9/11. Just like the alt-right to blame the Muslims who are the true religion of peace.

After finishing his rant comparing the election of Donald Trump to 9/11 the aging actor, his mind fading, was led by the hand to his bed where he was tucked in by his nurse. A bed pan lay on the nightstand in case DeNiro needed to use it.

“I’m sorry about this” said his nurse.  “He gets on rants sometimes. His mind isn’t clear about a lot of things nowadays.”

As I left his place I could hear DeNiro yelling from his bedroom.

“Where the hell is my bedpan. I feel a bowel movement coming on. Dammit!  Nothing!”

(12)

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