Yankees Lose to Houston (Pronounced Howston) Astros!

“What?  Trump fired Comey?  To hell with baseball! I’m outraged!” ~ Yankee manager Joe Girardi (Okay so he probably never said that but I’m sure ESPN wishes he did)

A cold May night in the Bronx

The Houston (pronounced, as all civilized people agree, Howston) Astros came to town for a four game set against the Yankees. This can only mean one thing:  Time for Dallas Keuchel to make the Yankees his personal bitch.

The Yankees started Michael “I get scared when people are on base” Pineda (3-2 3.27) and as stated the Howston Astros started the undefeated Dallas Keuchel (6-0 1.69).  The Yankees have never beaten Keuchel.

Howston scored (I refused to say “plated“) in the top of the first. A miscommunication between Didi Gregorius and Jacoby Ellsbury resulted in a double that should have been an out hit by Josh Reddick (pronounced Red-Dick). And as his wont after a man reaches base Michael Pineda collapsed quicker than Hillary Clinton at a 9/11 memorial. After Jose Altuve grounded out Carlos Correa hit a 2-0 pitch into the right field stands just short of the bleachers where I was sitting. 2-0 Howston after half an inning.

Howston scored again in the top of the fifth. Nori Aoki reached first on a fielder’s choice and then promptly stole second. George Springer then singled him home.  3-0 after 4 1/2

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fifth. Jacoby “worth every bit of his bloated contract” Ellsbury reached first on a catcher’s interference scoring Chase Headley.  3-1 Howston after five innings.

And that’s the way it stayed until the bottom of the ninth when the Yankees scored one run and almost tied the game when Gary Sanchez singled, scoring Aaron Hicks. However Jacoby Ellsbury (Mr. Bloated Contract) made the final out of the game trying to score.

Final score:  Howston 3 Yankees 2

Notes on the game:

Fact: The Astros had two people named Carlos in the lineup and the Yankees had two people named Aaron in the lineup. (Hey, I didn’t say it was an interesting fact. Cut me some slack people I have bowel issues that make me irritable! You try blogging with an irritable bowel.)

The actors who played Hansen Brothers from Slap Shot were at the game. No other celebrities were at the game. Well, technically I was at the game and I am a world famous blogger.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “I dissent from the general proposition that the states are to be made dependent on the Federal government by any system of loans from Federal government to them…..If there is to be any dependence I prefer to see that dependence of the Federal government on the States, which was the original intent of the Constitution as I view it” did not fire up the crowd.  ‘Effin big government statists!

I usually do not buy beer while at Yankee games. But today I said “Why not?  Let me treat myself!” I then remembered why I never buy beer at the Stadium: Fifteen dollars for a 24-ounce can of Heineken.

The infamous fifteen dollar can of Heineken

It’s almost like the Yankees do not care about their fans and just want to milk us for every dollar. But I know that can’t be right.

Recommended reading material:

Rebels:  The Irish Rising of 1916 by Peter De Rosa.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “It is well known that since God raised fire and brimstone upon Sodom, cities have been the great marts of corruption.”

Hey, come on. I live in a city. And the only reason God raised fire and brimstone upon Sodom was because he was offended by Sodom’s anti-immigration policies.

C.H.E of hot, humid, fetid, filthy Florida writes, “I will try the best I can to get it up.”

Hey, that’s my line!

M.P.A. of treasonous, confederate-sympathizing Maryland writes, “At the South, our new republic will have no such elements of discord. Capital there owns all labor which, from its nature, so lowers the man as to make him unfit for society and self-government. Thus capital and labor, in our new republic will work in beautiful harmony; and it is thus that African slavery furnishes the only basis upon which republican government can be preserved.”

Um. What?

And so my record stands at 1-2 this year. My next game will be Monday May 22nd against the Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!

(15)

Party of Socialist Redistribution Angry That Man They Wanted Fired Gets Fired!

American patriot now villain then

In the 24 hours since the shocking and unprecedented news first broke that the evil, traitorous Trump fired the great American patriot James Comey the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have been working the phones nonstop to get the facts.

And so for my readers I now present the timeline of the Official Narrative on the James Comey Martyrdom™ (Official Timeline of the Narrative on the James Comey Martyrdom™ not available where prohibited by law.)

Tuesday May 9th 5 pm

Word first arrives at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ that FBI director James Comey had been fired by President Trump.  I immediately contacted my local Democratic congressman for his reaction:

MI: Hello is this my local Democratic congressman?

LDC: Si, senor.  ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle?

MI: I don’t speak Spanish. Do you speak English?

LDC: No hablo ingles racista hijo de puta

Tuesday May 9th 7:30 pm

Stymied in my efforts to get information from my local congresista demócrata I then called CBS late night host Stephen Colbert to ask him his thoughts on the firing. And as a late night talk show host this means he is a trustworthy source of news.

MI:  Hello is this trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert?

SC: Yes this is trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert. How may I help you?

MI: I’d like to ask you about James Comey.

SC: James Comey?  That evil villain. He is the reason Hillary lost the election. Someone should fire him!

MI: Well that’s why I’m calling. He was just fired by Trump.

SC:What? That villain Trump!  Comey is an American patriot!

MI: But didn’t you just say he was a villain?

SC:What are you?  A cock holster?

Wednesday May 10th, 6 am

Stymied in my efforts to get an answer from trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert I contacted my senator, Chuck Schumer.

MI: Hello is this Democratic senator Charles Schumer?

CS: Yes it is. How may I help you?

MI: Do you have any comment on the firing of James Comey?

CS: Trump is Hitler.

MI: What?

CS: Trump is Hitler. He has killed millions. He will kill millions more. We must stop this madman by any means necessary. Legal or extra legal. He killed JFK. He killed RFK. He planned the 9/11 attacks to drive up the price of his Manhattan properties.

MI: Are you insane?

CS: Yes but Trump is Hitler.

Wednesday May 10th 3:20 pm.

Stymied in my efforts to get an answer from my senator I then contacted House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca).

MI: Hello is this House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi?

NP:  I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix.

MI: Um, okay.

NP:  …and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

MI: Maybe I should call back later?

NP: Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

MI: I’ll call back later.

We may never find out the reason Comey was fired but we can all agree on one thing:  Trump is Pol Pot. I mean Hitler.

(8)

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King Arthur Pulls Sword from Stone; U.S. Reacts to Threat!

The EPA better not see this.

King Arthur, defeater of the Saxons and ruler of Britain, Ireland, Iceland, Norway and Gaul has been fined by the Environmental Protection Agency after allegedly pulling a sword from a stone.

“King Arthur, on or about the 1st of May, did damage to a pristine wetland environment” said the EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.

There was a sword in a rock. How that sword got there is irrelevant. It was part of the stone’s environment. King Arthur, by recklessly pulling the stone out damaged that environment. Already the EPA is getting reports of rain in England and rising seas levels. This may or may not be a direct result of the sword pulling. Bill Nye, our top climatologist, is convinced it is. And he’s a scientist you know. So until King Arthur returns the sword to its rightful place we shall fine him $50,000 per week. It gives us at the EPA no pleasure to do this. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. We live for shit like this. 

Many in Congress are also asking that the Sword of Excalibur be classified as an “assault sword.”

“This is no ordinary sword” said House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.

I’ve heard that King Arthur uses this sword to blind his opponents. I don’t know much about swords but I don’t think this is normal. I believe this sword is a semi-automatic sword and contains a magazine and a clip. Like I said I don’t know much about swords but we cannot stand by while an Englishman with an assault sword threatens us. I’m Nancy Pelosi. At least that’s what my wristband says. They make me wear it just in case I get lost. Now what was I saying?  Something about an assault sword.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has promised “swift retaliation” against King Arthur.

Bomb him. We must bomb England. We must drop as many bombs as possible on that country. I don’t care if King Arthur says he’s not a threat to the United States. Bomb him! Destroy the country! We just can’t sit by and watch Arthur kill civilians. We have to intervene, bomb them and kill them before he does. If only we had a Republican in the White House and not this Trump guy!

Late night comedian Stephen Colbert on his talk show denounced King Arthur in no uncertain terms.

The only thing you are good for King Arthur is to be the Irish King Diwrnach’s cock holster. I’m not afraid of you. The United States isn’t afraid of you.

King Arthur could not be reached for comment though his press secretary vows to fight the EPA’s fines.

“The sword of Excalibur is just an ordinary sword with magical properties but it is not a chemical weapon” he told reporters.

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My Exclusive Interview with Cher

If I could turn back time ….I’d give my daughter a penis

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing that cutting edge fashion plate, now in her 70s, Cher herself.

MI:  Good afternoon Cher.

C: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: So what brings you to my humble corner of the blogosphere?

C: Donald Trump caused my asthma!

MI: Oh god here we go again.  Do you know Chrissy Teigen?

C: Donald Trump is a mad King George III.  He repealed Obamacare and now I have no way of paying for my asthma medication! Millions of people are going to die now!  Millions!

MI: Setting aside for the moment your overheated rhetoric you are a celebrity. Surely you have money to pay for your asthma medicine?

C: No. I’m broke. I spent my last millions trying to find a penis donor for my daughter Chastity.  I mean my son Chaz.

MI: What?

C:  My daughter Chastity as you know fully transitioned into my son Chaz.

MI: Yes I know.

C: Well Chaz ran out of money before she was able to graft a penis onto her new man body. I’ve spent my last millions searching for someone who would be willing to donate his penis. After death preferably, but no takers. My daughter who is now my son has no penis. He has a gaping wound in his new man body where his penis should be.  Chaz, show the man

[Chaz Bono enters]

C: This is my son Chaz.  Chaz, take your clothes off and show Manhattan Infidel your gaping flesh wound where your penis should be.

[Chaz takes his clothes off]  

Look at my shame!

Chaz: Look at my shame. I still have a vagina!  I’m still weak! I have a weak, womanly vagina where my powerful male penis should be.  See!

[Chaz spreads his legs]

Chaz: Look at my shame!  Look at it!

MI: Ewww. That’s one hell of a gaping vagina hole.

Chaz: How do women live like this?

MI: Well you used to be one.

[Chaz bursts into tears]

Chaz: If I only had a penis I wouldn’t cry like this.

C: This calls for a song!

[Cher starts singing]

C: If I could turn back time/I’d buy my son a penis/I’d take back his vagina/If I could turn back time, If I could find a way/I’d have Donald Trump pay for my asthma medication/If I could reach for the stars/I’d buy my son a penis/then he’d love, love me, like he used to when he was a woman/my world is shattered, I was torn apart/Like someone took a knife and didn’t cut their penis off to give to my son/If I could turn back time, If I could find a way/I’d buy my son a penis perhaps on eBay.

Chaz: I already checked. eBay doesn’t sell fresh penises.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

C: Manhattan Infidel, would you turn back time and give my son your penis?

MI: No.

Chaz: My kingdom for a penis!

C: I want Donald Trump’s penis on my son.

MI: That’s an image i’ll never be able to get out of my head.

Be careful readers. If you see Cher hide as quickly as you can. She’s on the hunt for a penis!

(18)

2 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Chrissy Teigen

Trump has killed me

I must admit I had never heard of today’s guest before but my crack staff of crack addicted researchers insist she is a famous model or something. So without further interruption may I present Chrissy Teigen.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Teigen.

CT: Excuse me I am not a Miss. I am Mrs. Teigen. I am married to multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend.

MI: Then wouldn’t that make you Mrs. Legend?

CT: I don’t know. I was never good at math.

MI: Um, okay.  So what would you like to talk about?

CT: I suffer from crippling anxiety.

MI: I’m sorry to hear that. What brought this on?

CT: Donald f*cking Trump. 

MI: President Trump?

CT: Yes. I can barely function now knowing he is in the White House. I have crippling anxiety and need to go on more meds.  Donald Trump needs to pay for my meds. 

MI: The President is responsible for you being an emotional wreck?

CT: Yes. Just the other day I had a tooth shaved down because crippling anxiety makes me grind and rock my teeth on one side. I blame Trump. He has given me crippling anxiety.

MI: Yes I know you mentioned that.  Could it possibly be that – 

CT: It’s exhausting waking up every day knowing he is President. I can barely function anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being a model is stressful work. Not everyone can do it. Now when I go to a photo shoot and the photographer asks me to smile I grind my teeth down. It’s my  – 

MI: Crippling anxiety. Yes.

CT: My crippling anxiety is crippling me. When I walk the red carpet now I forget how to walk. My handlers have to whisper in my ear, “left foot now right foot now left foot now right foot.”  Do you see what crippling anxiety can do to a common working woman?  Sometimes my crippling anxiety cripples me so much I stay at home all day in my 4.5 million dollar one-bedroom apartment and stare out the window. I have crippling anxiety and it’s Donald Trump’s fault. My crippling anxiety is crippling me. 

MI: I see.

CT: My crippling anxiety has crippled me so crippingly that sometimes my husband, the multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend has to fly me to the Bahamas on board our private jet just so I can become uncrippled. I imagine many married working women have their husbands fly them to the Bahamas on their private jet as well.

[Pause]

CT: I imagine that is quite common. Wouldn’t you agree?

[Pause]

CT: Well?

MI: SHUT THE F*CK UP!

CT: What?

MI: Shut your f*cking piehole.

CT: Oh my god. You’re yelling at me.  A famous supermodel!  This is filling me with crippling anxiety. Where’s my phone? I have to call my husband, the multiple Grammy-award winning artist John Legend and inform him that I’m having a crippling anxiety attack and need to be flown down to the Bahamas to recover.

MI:  You don’t know the meaning of crippling anxiety. You want crippling anxiety honey? Try living my life. Try not knowing if you’re going to be able to pay the rent that month for your one-bedroom apartment.

CT: You have a one-bedroom? Did it cost 4.5 million too?

[Pause]

MI: This interview is over. Please leave.

CT: How?

MI: Take the damn subway.

CT: Is it a private subway?

MI: No it is not.

CT: I have to take the subway with other people? This will fill me with crippling anxiety.

Eventually I got her to leave but only by pretending I was calling the airport to get her private jet ready.  You know these rich people fill me with crippling anxiety sometimes.

(5)

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band Accused of Sexual Harassment!

Sgt. Pepper and their white male gaze

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band is facing accusations that it engaged in a pattern of sexual harassment against female concertgoers.

“I saw an ad for one of their concerts in my sorority” said a local college girl.

And I though, yeah, why not go see them. They’ve been going in and out of style but they are guaranteed to raise a smile. I figured it would be nice entertaining way to spend the evening. Besides I like their colorful outfits. They remind me of Prince or Miley Cyrus.

Once at the concert she says things started out normal.

The concert was okay. The audience seemed to be into it. But then the singer started to sing a song and he wanted all of us to sing along. Okay, a sing along. Who doesn’t enjoy a sing along? But then the entire band, even the drummer with the really big nose, looked right at me. They looked straight at me! And they all said, “We’d like to take you home with us we’d love to take you home!” I was shocked. And triggered! I felt raped by their white male gaze!

Shocked by Sgt. Pepper’s naked display of campus rape culture, she ran out of the concert hall back to the safety of her dorm and contacted her indignation counselor.

My indignation counselor, who used to be a man so he knows how rape culture works, told me that I had a pretty good case and that I should contact the college president and see about getting Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band banned from performing on campus again.

After a restless night’s sleep filled with nightmares of being raped by four mustachioed men she and her indignation counselor met with the college president.

The president, a lesbian of color, was naturally sympathetic to the poor coed’s triggering and sent out an email to all students apologizing for allowing the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band to verbally rape coeds:

On behalf of the entire administration I want to apologize for the actions of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Even though they’ve been around for 20 years or so I was not that familiar with their music. If I had any idea that they supported rape culture or could trigger coeds to the point where they retreat to a safe space I would never have allowed them to perform on our campus, which I am proud to say is the largest safe space in our state. Though in retrospect I should have known. I met one of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band once. We went on a date and had a laugh and over dinner he told me he would really like to see me again. Then he got me drunk so I went back to his place. Fortunately we were sitting on the couch with a sister or two so he didn’t have the chance to rape me. I don’t remember which one it was but I think it was the drummer with the big nose.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band has denied any intent to harass, trigger or make any coed feel unsafe.

“We respect all our female fans. Well, not the drummer. He’s always trying to pick up women and tell them that his nose isn’t his only large appendage. Frankly we would fire him but our previous drummer is busy working his shifts at the bakery.”

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My Exclusive Interview with Alyssa Milano

I’m compassionate and I believe in compassionation or something

Today at Manhattan Infidel I had planned on spending the day cleaning the grout in my bathroom but then I received an unexpected phone call from noted elite Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano.

AM: Hello  Is this the world famous, widely-read and influential blogger known as Manhattan Infidel?

MI: Um, yeah, that’s exactly who I am.

AM: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. This is powerful, elite Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano.

MI: Alyssa Milano. Wow. How did you get my number?

AM: It was written on the bathroom stall in the ladies room of a club in Hollywood.

MI: Yeah, I have to stop doing that. Do you know how difficult it was to to that? What with dressing up in pantyhose and a wig  – but perhaps I’ve said too much already. Why are you calling?

AM: There’s something I want to talk about. Something very, very disturbing.

MI: Is it the photos of my penis I keep sending you?

AM: Those are disturbing yes but that’s not what I want to talk about.

MI: Was it the videos I sent you of me pleasuring myself?

AM: Again, also very disturbing. But that’s not what I want to talk about. 

MI: What then?

AM:  I want to talk about ISIS.

MI: ISIS?  The terrorist group from the middle east that seeks to establish a brutal 8th century caliphate?

AM: Yes. We need to show compassion to ISIS.

MI: What?

AM: We need to show more compassion towards ISIS., or would you rather fuel war and terrorism than be at peace through compassion?

MI:  Um.

AM: In fact I feel so strongly about being compassionate towards ISIS I traveled to the middle east and am calling you from ISIS-held territory.

MI: Is that safe?

AM: Maybe not for our military but it’s totally safe for me. I don’t believe the nice ISIS members here have seen any of my work but they were happy to see me. They even said that now that I was here they would let their goats go free, which is good since I’m a vegetarian.

MI: I still don’t think you’re safe.

AM: I’m totally safe. They are very protective of me. They even had me put on a burqa.

MI: A veil?

AM: Yes and I feel so empowered. This veil protects me from the white male gaze.

MI: Right.

AM: And they mentioned something about genitally mutilating me.  

MI: You really need to get out of there now.

AM: It’s all good. I’m sure my female genital mutilation will empower me.

MI: You’re an idiot. I can’t believe I wasted so much time pleasuring myself while thinking of you.

AM: Why I’m flattered. Contact my manager and he will send you an autographed photo of me.

MI: No thanks.

AM: Ouch!

MI: What’s happening?

AM:  Hey pal if you wanted to poke me with a scalpel at least contact my manager first. No one told me female genital mutilation would be so painful.

MI: Okay. Well I see you have everything in hand. I’ll hang up now.

AM: Ow! I feel empowerment. And blood loss. But mostly empowerment.

Let’s hope she gets out of this okay. You know I don’t mind her calling me but I’m almost out of minutes.

(15)

Because Tramps Like Us Baby We Were Born to Dodge Taxes

Two con men in action!

Semi-talented, billionaire con man Bruce Springsteen admitted today that for years he has been cheating on his taxes and that he has a perfectly logical explanation:  “I’m a Democrat and can get away with it.”

I sat down with the semi-talented, semi-differentially abled star to address his stunning admission.

MI: Good afternoon Bruce.

BS: Would you like my autograph?

MI: No.

BS: Are you sure?  Are you absolutely sure? I’m Springsteen dammit

[Springsteen puts a hood on] 

Bruce Springsteen wearing a hood

MI: Please take the hood off.

BS: But I’m Springsteen dammit.

MI: Take the hood off.

[Springsteen removes hood] 

Bruce Springsteen not wearing a hood

MI: Somehow I liked you better with your hood on.  Now let’s talk about taxes. You own a 200-acre farm in New Jersey. But because technically you “farm” on that property since you grow potatoes your tax bill is reduced from $138,000 to $4,600 dollars. Because you say you are a farmer, you prevent New Jersey from redistributing your income.

BS: First let me say that I believe in the glory of socialism. What has been done in Venezuela should be a model to us all. I was down there recently reveling in it. 

MI: What did you see?

BS: Lots of empty shelves in supermarkets and a shortage of food. But that’s a feature of socialism. It prevents the proletariat from gaining too much weight. It shows how benevolent a socialist government can be.

MI: What else did you see.

BS: Rioting. Lots of rioting.

MI: Why were they rioting?

BS: They were expressing displeasure with the Trump administration.

MI: I see. Not because Venezuela’s economy is shattered and food is scarce? Is that another feature of socialism.

BS: No. Definitely not. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

MI: And this is the economic system you want to bring to America? Why do you think it failed in Venezuela but would succeed in the United States?

BS: The wrong people were in charge in Venezuela. Brown peoples lack the necessary scientific expertise of white people to make socialism work. Can I put my hood back on?

MI: Yes, please.

[Springsteen puts his hood on]  

Bruce Springsteen in another hood

MI: Now back to your tax situation. You say you believe in socialism but you have consistently tried to lower your taxes. If you believe in redistribution of income I would think you’d want to pay as much taxes as possible to bring about the socialist workers’ paradise.

BS: First off let me say that I believe in socialism. And I will do whatever it takes to help a Democratic president bring it about. From my 200 acre farm I will send out videos asking the middle class to pay more taxes. 

MI: But that brings me back to my original point. Why aren’t you paying more taxes?

BS: Because it wouldn’t be fair. As a Democrat I am naturally smarter and better equipped to bring about socialism. And the masses need someone to admire. They can’t admire me if I’m living a meager hand-to-mouth existence. You see, not paying taxes is compassionate. For me. Besides, there are plenty of rich Republicans who can pay more taxes. They deserve to be punished.

MI: Right. Well is there anything else you want to say to my readers before I wrap up this interview?

BS: I’m Springsteen dammit.

MI: Yes, we’ve already established that. Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the disciple of socialism and paying one’s fair share of taxes. He’s Springsteen dammit and we aren’t.

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Woman Who Has Accomplished Nothing in Life Besides Being Front Runner for 2020 Democratic Presidential Nomination Laments How Women are Held Back by Sexism or Something

I would be King now if it weren’t for the sexism and misogyny of Americans!

Presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton sat down with yours truly for an exclusive interview. Among the topics we discussed were sexism and misogyny in America and how that affected her rise to power. I thank Mrs. Clinton for agreeing to the interview.

MI: Good afternoon Chelsea.

CC: [Pause] I prefer not to be addressed by my first name by workers.

MI: Okay Mrs. Clinton. Let’s talk about the recent election. Why do you think your mother lost?

CC: There is only one reason my mother lost the election: Misogyny. Americans are a closed race not as open to new ideas as Europe and that made them afraid to vote for a woman.

MI: I see. So that was the only – 

CC: I’m not finished speaking. Please don’t interrupt me.  Misogyny is the only explanation for my mother’s loss. [Pause] You may speak now.

MI: How would you end the scourge of misogyny in America?

CC: Re-education. [Pause] You may ask a follow up question now.

MI: And how would you re-educate Americans?

CC: Simple. Everyone should donate to my parents charitable foundation. The money sent to the foundation can be used to educate Americans.

MI: I see.

CC: I haven’t finished speaking. What did I tell you about interrupting me?  It’s gauche. You’re probably one of those little, grubby people who cares about money. That also is gauche. You may address me now.

MI: Have you always felt that misogyny is holding back women?

CC: Yes. I remember when my father, who is very pro-women, was president I objected to the fact that the Secret Service agents guarding me were all men. I put my foot down and demanded female Secret Service agents. My father was very proud of me and more than happy to oblige. He only had one condition: All the female agents must be under 30 and in prime physical condition. He said it would make it easier to protect me. He was very involved. He made it a point to bring all the agents into his office for a thorough vetting. [Pause] You may speak now.

MI: Lately there’s been lots of talk of having you run for President in 2020. Why do you think so many people want you to run?

CC: Americans, good, true Americans anyway, want to get rid of the stench of patriarchy and misogyny. They see my accomplishments and believe I am the woman to do it.  [Pause] You may address me now.

MI: And your accomplishments are what, exactly?

[Pause]

MI: Your accomplishments Mrs. Clinton?

CC: I didn’t mean accomplishments in an accomplishment sense. Because accomplishments in an accomplishment sense are so patriarchal. I meant people want me to rule them because as a Clinton I am a member of America’s royal family.

MI: Right. That’s about all the time we have –

CC: What did I tell you about interrupting me?  Do not interrupt a member of the royal family again!

MI: Right. I’ll interrupt you whenever I goddamn well please. And I’m interrupting you now to say our interview is over.

CC: But I haven’t dismissed you! You’re afraid of a strong, powerful women, aren’t you?  Misogyny!  Misogyny!

MI: Goodbye.

CC: Come back and let me dismiss you or I’ll tell my daddy on you!

And so ended my interview with the woman who will run against Donald Trump in 2020. Let’s hope he doesn’t interrupt her during the debates.

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2 Comments

Breaking News: Rich White Millennials Forced to Eat Cheese Sandwiches!

The horror! The horror!

In shocking news that horrified the elite throughout the civilized western world, thousands of rich, privileged, young white millennials, after shelling out up to 20,000 dollars for a once in a lifetime concert experience in the Bahamas were forced to live in tents and eat cheese sandwiches.

“It was horrible” said one attendee who paid $40,000 for him and his girlfriend to attend.

I was promised the experience of a lifetime where my girlfriend and I would live in luxury accommodations and walk on the beach hobnobbing with supermodels and movers and shakers. This is something I deserve. I mean college is very stressful, what with tests and restricting free speech of those I don’t agree with. So I needed to relax. I saw the ad online so I called my dad and said “You’re paying 40,000 a semester for me what’s an extra 20,000 for a weekend on the beach?” He agreed and bought me the tickets. 

However after the couple arrived they soon found that the experience was less than they hoped for.

There was no concierge service. How are they going to satisfy all my demands without a concierge? I have a personal concierge in college but my dad wouldn’t pay for his ticket. No concierge! And the private, luxury accommodations? It was just a tent. Now I wouldn’t have minded a tent if their were luxury accommodations inside. And security to guard us but it was just a tent with a sleeping bag. No security. The locals were wandering around taking wallets. I won’t call it stealing. I voted for Bernie so I know all about socialism and I am honored that in my small way I was able to redistribute my income.

But the worst was still to come. Promised a “unique, catered dining experience” the unhappy concert goers were instead given cheese sandwiches.

What the hell?  A cheese sandwich in Styrofoam? First off Styrofoam is murder! But a cheese sandwich? I felt so non-elite. If I wanted to eat a cheese sandwich I’d get a job as a laborer. Fortunately my $450 dollar jeans are pre-muddied so I look like an authentic working class person.

Soon his girlfriend descended into madness.

She’s a gender studies major with a minor in lesbian poetry so I know she’s intelligent. But I guess it was too much for her. She wouldn’t even touch her cheese sandwich. Instead she curled up in a fetal position and started muttering “The horror. The horror!  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.” I tried to help her but she was too far gone. I had to leave her behind when I made my escape off the island. The last thing she said to me was “But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. Horror… Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared.” Clearly she had gone insane.

As his plane took off for the return trip to America he contemplated his experience.

“I’m one of the elite and I was treated like a commoner. What’s this world coming to when those who naturally are better are forced to rough it? Now I know how the Jews felt in the concentration camps. Even though it was their own fault. You know, for kicking the Palestinians off their land.”

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