My Exclusive Interview with His Holiness Pope Francis

I don’t know what to believe in anymore








Today it is my privilege to interview the Bishop of Rome, His Holiness Pope Francis.

MI: Good afternoon Your Holiness.

PF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You recently made headlines when you revealed that you went to see a psychiatrist in the late 1970s. What did you go to see her about?

PF: I was confused.

MI:  About what?

PF: The meaning of life. Why are we here?  Who created the universe? Is there a god?

MI: Um. What? You’re a Catholic priest. Don’t you believe in God?  Wasn’t the universe created by him?

PF: Technically I am a priest but I’m also a Jesuit. And a Jesuit who believes in God is like a Republican politician who believes in small, limited government: A very rare thing indeed.

MI: So you’re saying?

PF: Who knows if there is a so-called “God.” The important thing is not to be so rigid in our thinking. What we believe is God may simply be a super intelligent alien from another galaxy. Or our own superstitions.

MI: What the hell? You’re the Pope! What about Jesus?

PF: We can’t be sure he existed. It might be fables. Or a super intelligent alien from the Andromeda galaxy. Personally I believe Jesus was an American Indian who came to Europe to combat climate change.

MI: You don’t believe Jesus was the son of God?

PF: The Church used to believe he was. Some of our more rigid priests still do. I don’t get these young, rigid, theologically backward priests. Haven’t they read any of the documents of Vatican II? Belief in Jesus is no long necessary for a priest. 

MI: What? Where does it say that? 

PF:I  don’t know. I’ve never read any of the documents of Vatican II. But I’m sure it mentions this somewhere.

MI: You’ve never read the documents of Vatican II?

PF: Never heard of them. Were they written by a super intelligent alien? Perhaps L. Ron Hubbard?

MI:  No!

PF: Oh, okay. I’ll hear your confession now.

MI:Why? You don’t even believe in the sacraments.

PF: True but people are watching. I have to protect my job you know.

MI: Oh alright. Forgive me father for I have sinned.

PF: I don’t believe in sin either.

MI: You’re ruining it for me.

PF: Sorry please continue.

MI: I have punched Mark Wahlberg in the face.

PF: That’s a very serious matter. May I ask why you did this?

MI: I thought he was Matt Damon.

PF: Well that’s no sin. I’ve punched Matt Damon myself. Right in the kisser. Down he went. Just like Liston.

MI: I also use only 100 watt light bulbs.

PF: I’m sorry but there is no forgiveness for that. God, or a super intelligent alien from the Andromeda galaxy condemns you to eternal damnation. Not that I believe in hell.

MI: This is useless. I’m out of here.

PF: Do you believe the Great Pumpkin might be a super intelligent alien?

I ended my interview and left. Perhaps I was too hard on Pope Francis. He might be onto something with the whole super intelligent alien thing. I mean I have a cat. She’s always watching me. It’s freaking me out. If anything is a super intelligent alien it might be her.


ESPN Internal Memo Reveals List of Topics and Words Not to be Mentioned

Don’t say that word!







Following on the heels of ESPN’s controversial decision to removed broadcaster Robert Lee from a University of Virginia game because he shared the same name as a famous confederate general an internal memo from ESPN John Skipper has revealed a list of taboo subjects that announcers must not mention under penalty of suspension and/or firing.

As a service to my readers I, Manhattan Infidel, the most trusted name in not peeing in your sink™, now present said memo:

From the office of John Skipper, President, ESPN

Re:  Subjects not to talk about

Dear on-air employees of ESPN:

As you know we live in a divided country. Every day white supremicists, the alt-right and those who voted for Trump disagree with ESPN’s mission to provide social justice sports to our viewers. This is why Robert Lee (who has graciously agreed to change his name) was removed from a UV broadcast.

As productive as this was it is only the first step towards providing safe-space, non-judgmental, social justice sports coverage. Therefore the following topics must never be mentioned during an ESPN broadcast.

  • Final scores:  To tell our viewers that one team is winning while another is  losing puts ESPN in the camp of “ableism.” Final scores, indeed all scores must not be talked about. Instead mention that “both teams are playing with hustle and heart” or something similar.
  • Individual stats:  To display stats would penalize and stat-shame those who have lesser abilities. So instead of talking about a player’s ERA or batting average discuss his life story and his long struggle to overcome the white man’s oppression.  Note: If the athlete is white remain silent. (This is why ESPN does not televise hockey.)
  • The weather (at least when the weather is good):  When broadcasting a night baseball game in April and the temperature is hovering around freezing never discuss it. Unless you can find a way to tie the cold weather into global warming as it is well-known in scientific circles that global warming causes colder temperatures.
  • Sports:  I know that might sound counter-intuitive at a sports network but sports were created by men to fulfill their testosterone-laden desire to dominate others of less ableist nature. While contractually we have to broadcast these games please maintain the focus on social justice issues such as Black Lives Matter or Russian collusion in the 2016 presidential election instead of the action on the field. This is why viewers watch us.
  • SS Minnow: My last name is “Skipper.” Before working at ESPN I had a job giving tourists in Hawaii tours with my ship. I’m tired of having people ask me why I didn’t have radar on board my boat so I could tell bad weather was coming. It’s not my fault the tiny ship was tossed! Hey if it weren’t for my courage and fearlessness the Minnow would be lostThe Minnow would be lost!
  • Enlarged prostates:  I shall discuss this further in another memo. Right now I have to pee.
  • George Lazenby: It broke my heart when he left the role of James Bond. Do not mention him. Ever. If you do you shall be fired quicker than you can say “Curt Schilling.”

As always, ESPN remains committed to diversity, inclusion and free speech. As long as its free speech we agree with.

You know I don’t quite think they get this whole “sports” network think anymore.


My Exclusive Interview with Matt Damon

There is only one “A” in my last name asshole!












Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ (“The Most Trusted Name in Not Pooping in Your Shower“) I have the pleasure of interviewing Hollywood superstar Matt Damon.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Damon.

MD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s get down to what everyone wants to know. How many “A”s are in your last name?  I always pronounce it Matt Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamon so I assume there are 17 possibly more?

MD: Your crude attempt at humor is to be expected from someone who doesn’t live in southern California nor regularly has dinner with George Clooney. I must say Americans are crude, rude, fat, offensive, stupid and racist people. I’m so glad I live in California and not the United States. You disgust me. You disgust the world.

MI: Wow. Someone has a bug up their ass.

MD: My bug up my ass, as you so provincially and crudely put it, is the racism of American society. A lot of people, myself included, are really waking up to the extent of the existing racism, and it’s so much worse than I naively thought. I just feel naïve at this point. I’m concerned about the damage being done to our institutions by the racist President the racist Americans voted in, with the help of Russia of course.

MI:I  see.

MD: Robert Mueller is kind of representing these institutions at this point, and just by some trick of history he’s the one who’s essentially defending them against these attacks, so hopefully his investigation is going smoothly. I just feel disgusted by Americans.  I feel disgusted by America. I hope it is invaded by Mexico and they teach Americans the values of tolerance and diversity. White Americans are institutionally racist.

MI: I see. You’re white aren’t you?

MD: Yes but I’m rich. That makes me a better, more virtuous, more tolerant person.

MI:  I see.  [Pause] May I punch you in the face?

MD: What?

MI: May I punch you in the face?

MD:  You can’t punch me in the face. I’m Matt Damon!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: Ow. Why’d you do that? 

MI: I don’t know really. But it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

MD: I’m going to tell George Clooney on you!  He’ll never invite you to his mansion on Lake Como in Italy.

[Manhattan Infidel punches Matt Damon in the face a second time]

MD: Ow. Why’d you punch me in the face a second time.

MI: Because the first time felt so good.

[George Clooney enters] 

Can I punch Matt Damon in the face too?









GC: What’s going on here?

MD: Manhattan Infidel just punched me in the face.

GC: You mean like this?

[He punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: Ow. Why’d you do that?

GC: I don’t know. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.

MD: But you’re my friend.

[George Clooney punches him in the face a second time]

MD: Ow. Why is everybody being so mean to me?

MI: Because you’re Matt Damon.

[Mark Wahlberg enters] 

I’d like to punch Matt Damon in the face too












MW: Can I  punch him in the face too?

MI & GC:  Sure go ahead.

[Mark Wahlberg punches Matt Damon in the face]

MD: What the hell man? What was that for?

MW: I’m tired of people mistaking me for you and punching me in the face.

GC: By the way Mark I’m sorry I punched you in the face earlier.

MW: It’s okay George you mistook me for Matt Damon.

MI:  [To crowd] Hey everybody I have Matt Damon here. Who wants to punch him in the face?

Crowd: We all do!

MI:  Okay line up single file and make sure you punch Matt Damon in the face not Mark Wahlberg. George, you hold him down.

GC: My pleasure.

And so ended my interview with Matt Damon. I left him being punched repeatedly in the face. I’d like to thank George Clooney for holding him down. I also want to apologize to Mark Wahlberg for punching him in the face. I thought he was Matt Damon.


My Exclusive Interview with North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un

The new “In” look







As everyone knows there is a possibility of war between the United States and The Democratic People’s Republic of California. Um, I mean Korea. Though tensions remain high between the United States and California as well.

Using my contacts in government I was able to arrange unlimited access to North Korea’s enigmatic leader Kim Jong-Un. We met at a neutral location (a Burger King) for our talk.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Un.

KJU: Excuse me?  Mister? Mister? That’s Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, thank you.

MI: I’m sorry. No disrespect intended.

KJU:Whatever. I’m tired of you tall, thin westerners disrespecting me. I know what you’re saying about me behind my back. You call me “Wo Fat” and say I only got this job because of my father.

MI:Well isn’t that true?


KJU: Next question.

MI: Okay why did you agree to meet me at a Burger King?

KJU: I wanted to show the people of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, a socialist workers paradise, the decadence of capitalism.

MI: Really?

KJU: Okay, I like Whoppers. A lot.

MI: They are delicious.

KJU:What is that you are having?

MI: It’s their Strawberry Banana Smoothie. 

Can I buy this on the black market?












KJU: Wow. Do they have more? I mean if that’s the last one in the country I will buy one on the black market and force my fellow countrymen to eat grass.

MI: Um, no we have plenty here. Thank you.

KJU: May I try yours?

MI: Sure but be careful. It’s pretty heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands King Jong-Un his Strawberry Banana Smoothie who proceeds to drop it on his lap]

KJU:  My balls!  My balls have been crushed by a Strawberry Banana Smoothie! You’ll pay for this Manhattan Infidel. I shall put you in a coma and force you to eat grass. Or I will force you to eat grass and then put you in a coma!

MI: Balls crushed? You know that’s been happening a lot to people I interview.

KJU: The Supreme Leader’s balls have been crushed by capitalism! I can’t have my grass-eating people see me with crushed balls

MI: Relax I’m an expert on this now.  I have a rudimentary lathe and a system of ropes and pulleys. We simply have to keep your balls elevated to prevent swelling.

[Manhattan Infidel attaches Kim Jon-Un’s balls to a pulley and hoists the Supreme Leader, balls first, into the air]

KJU: Are you sure this will work?

MI: I’m a member of the mainstream media. Why would I lie?

[There is a ripping sound as Kim Jong-Un falls to the ground, his balls still in the pulley]

KJU: My balls!  My Supreme Leader balls have been torn off and ripped asunder from my body by the forces of capitalism!

MI: Yeah I didn’t see that coming. Well, that’s about all the time we have.

KJU:Wait, what about my balls? What do I do now? I have no male genitalia for my male Supreme Leader body!

MI: Don’t worry. We recognize over 31 genders in America. Just tell your people you are transitioning.

And so ended my interview with the Supreme Leader. I’m never going to get that ripping sound his testicles made when they separated from the rest of his body out of my head. I haven’t heard anything so horrible since Yoko Ono.



Double Whammy for Captain Hook: Targeted by PETA as Health Coverage Dropped!

ARR! I be hating the government








Captain Hook, commanding officer of the pirate ship Jolly Roger received a double blow this week as PETA activists targeted him for harassment upon learning that he had killed a crocodile. His health insurer also dropped out of the affordable care exchange and increased his premiums by $850 dollars a month.

“Arr what be this?” said Hook as he woke up one morning to find his brig surrounded by protesters from PETA who demanded that he apologize for murdering his crocodile nemesis.

“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go” PETA chanted as they blocked anyone from entering or leaving his ship.

Unable to resupply Hook was forced to plead his case with PETA.

“I had to kill it” said Hook.

A man has the right to revenge. This devil bit me hand off and then he followed me around mocking me, telling me he’d bite off me other hand. I be worried he might so I kill him. He deserves it.

Unfazed by his argument the PETA protesters continued to block access to his ship.

“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go! Alligator-killing white man deserves to die” they taunted him.

Out of water and with supplies at a critical low Hook told the protesters that they were wrong.

“It wasn’t an alligator I killed. Arr it be a crocodile!”

When informed that it was a crocodile and not an alligator PETA dispersed.

“Sorry about that dude. We hate crocs as well” said one protester.

With PETA gone Hook was finally able to resupply his ship, preparing to set sail back to Neverland when he received an email from his health insurance provider informing him that they were dropping out of the health exchange in his state and would be raising his premiums to almost 1,000 per month.

This came as an especially strong setback to Hook who needs special cleaning and maintenance of his prosthetic device.

I be needing lots of medication so my stump be not infected. Arr. I be having no problem getting insurance before this f*cking so-called “affordable care act.”  Arr I should have known. Since when be the government good at anything? I can’t afford to pay that much for health insurance! The pirate industry not be as profitable as it used to be. Arr!  I blame Amazon!

Hook also complained that the Affordable Care Act is forcing him to lay off valuable shipmates.

I be having to keep me shipmates down to 30 hours per week or I have to pay their benefits.  Arr!  How am I supposed to keep them down to 30 hours if I be at sea? Make them walk the plank?

Hook them threatened to quit the pirate business altogether.

“Arr I can’t even scratch me nuts anymore without bleeding out.  F*ck the government. I be joining the Libertarian party now!”


My Exclusive Interview with Frankenberry

I am much more than a cereal mascot











Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel (“The most trusted name in making shit up™”) I have the pleasure of interviewing famous cereal mascot Frankenberry.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Frankenberry

FB:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It’s a pleasure to be interviewed by you.

MI:  I don’t know. The last guy I interviewed was pretty cranky.  Then again he just had his balls crushed.

FB: Um.  

MI: Not by me. You’re safe.

FB: Frankenberry likes his balls uncrushed. Frankenberry has to please his many female fans.

MI: Right. Your female fans.

FB: What are you implying?

MI: Nothing. It’s just that the top of your face looks like an ass, you dress in pink and you wear Elton John-style glasses.

FB: I don’t want to talk about this subject. Let’s move along.

MI: Wow. Cranky. Are you sure your balls haven’t been crushed?

FB:  No. Now what did you want to talk to me about?

MI: You’re a world-famous cereal mascot.  What is your relationship like with the other two mascots, Count Chocula and BooBerry?

FB: It’s one of profound professional respect. We see each other on the convention circuits.

MI: Profound professional respect? 

FB: Yes.  Absolutely. With both of them.

MI: Really?

FB: Alright BooBerry’s a bitch.  The f*cking loser. But I’m cool with Count Chocula.

MI: Good to hear. Let’s talk about the pink poo controversy. You sometimes turn the poop of kids who eat your cereal pink.

FB: We’ve addressed that and it has been fixed. Besides the kids didn’t mind. They thought it was funny. It’s the parents who freaked. Parents are always freaking. Sometimes they can be bigger bitches than BooBerry.

[BooBerry enters]

BB: I heard that! I’m telling Count Chocula!

[BooBerry leaves]

FB: Like I said, a real bitch.

[Frankenberry notices a statue behind Manhattan Infidel]

FB: What’s that?

MI: Oh that? That’s an award I won for being the most trusted name in Only Slightly Less Implausible Shit Than the MSM Features Every Night™.  

FB: May I?

MI:  Sure.  Just be careful the statue is heavy.

[Manhattan Infidel hands the statue to Frankenberry who proceeds to drop it on his balls]

FB: Oh god my balls. They’re crushed. My beautiful balls that I use to satisfy an exclusively female fan base.

MI: Yeah give it a rest.

FB: My balls! What am I going to do with my crushed balls?

MI: You’re in luck. That happened to the last guy I interviewed. We have to keep your balls elevated. Do you have a pulley?

FB: What? No.

MI:What about a lathe? Look around you. Are there any tools we can use to construct a rudimentary lathe?

FB: Don’t touch my balls!  I’m calling an ambulance!  My balls!  My balls! My kingdom for some uncrushed balls!

[Frankenberry runs out of the building]

MI: Oh there’s my lathe. Wait, come back! I have a lathe!

Frankenberry was very emotional.  You know I’m not sure it’s BooBerry who is the bitch.


Manhattan Infidel’s Suggestions for Renaming the George Washington Bridge

Rename this symbol of patriarchy and white supremacy!








Situated in upper Manhattan, the George Washington Bridge connects the borough of Manhattan with New Jersey.

Now it’s bad enough that New Jerseyans have easy access to Manhattan but this bridge is named after a slave holder and white supremacist. While there is no solid evidence that Washington was a Nazi it is only a matter of time before said evidence is uncovered.

I ask you are we going to let a bridge be named after a slaveholder, white supremacist and possible Nazi? No!  Resist!

While my first instinct is to blow up the bridge I realized that more faint-hearted Nazi hunters might balk at that. Therefore I will settle for renaming the bridge after a less offensive and controversial personality.

I now submit a list of names that will be inclusive, progressive and non-Nazi.

  • Squeaky Fromme Bridge

I believe that naming this bridge after Squeaky Fromme would sent a message to the entire world that we value gender equality. Before Fromme when one thought of the great assassins one thought of white men. Fromme changed this and proved that women were strong enough to attempt to assassinate the President of the United States. Unfortunately Fromme was cisgender and binary but we can’t have everything. Perhaps the next great female assassin will have a penis.

  • Che Guevara Bridge

He’s Hispanic people! Nothing screams “weak, helpless and oppressed” more than Hispanic heritage. What better way to show we value equality than naming the bridge after him. Sure he executed gays and blacks but who can stay mad as someone as sexy as he was?

  • Susan Smith Bridge

Known for killing her children, she drove her car into a lake and let them drown. She struck a blow against the patriarchy and its institution of slavery known as marriage. By naming the bridge after her we tell the world we value all 31 genders and believe they are equal.  As an added bonus she will be eligible for parole in 2024 and  I’m sure everyone wants to see her bless her bridge.

  • Mohamed Atta Bridge

By naming the bridge after the leader of the 9/11 hijackers we are proving to the world that while we are racist, intolerant and Islamophobic, we are trying to overcome our backwardness and want to be more like our enlightened, progressive European cousins. Bonus: Naming the bridge after a devout Muslim will help bring about peace in the middle east and force that apartheid nation Israel to give back all its land to the rightful owners.

  • Josef Stalin Bridge

He hated Nazis and wanted to punch them all. This alone is good reason to name the bridge after him. He established a socialist workers paradise in the Soviet Union. He also liked cats. No not the musical though it is the world’s most thrilling theatrical experience.

  • Lemrick Nelson, Jr. Bridge

During the Crown Heights riots of 1991 he stabbed Hasidic student Yankel Rosenbaum to death. Lemrick Nelson is black and it is important that a bridge be named after a black hero. By naming the bridge after him we also put further pressure on Israel. Iran will also take notice and hopefully nuke the apartheid state of Israel for the good of the entire world.

To recap, while Fromme, Smith and Stalin were technically white it is important to point out that none owned slaves, Fromme and Smith were weak, helpless and oppressed women and Stalin had a mustache and was a socialist who hated Nazis. Even Nazis with mustaches.



My Exclusive Interview With the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister

Ow my balls!








Today at Manhattan Infidel (“the most trusted name in satire™“) I have the pleasure of interviewing the dude who got hit right in the balls with a tear gas canister at an anti-Trump rally in Phoenix, Arizona.

MI: Good morning.  What should I call you?

DHBWTGC: My name is Joshua Stuart Cobin.

MI: That’s not colorful enough for my readers. I’ll just call you the Dude Hit in the Balls With a Tear Gas Canister.

DHBWTGC: If you must. The important thing is to get my story out.

MI:  Your story?

DHBWTGC: Yes I was fighting the oppression of my people,

MI: Your people are oppressed?

DHBWTGC: Yes. Trump is going to take away all our rights and oppress me.  My dad isn’t spending 40,000 a semester to send me to a private university just so Trump can fight equality! 

MI: Forty thousand a semester?

DHBWTGC: Artisanal, soy-based, grass fed, cruelty-free latte isn’t cheap you know.

MI: No I suppose it isn’t. But let’s get down to the question everyone wants to know:  How are your balls?

DHBWTGC: Um. They hurt. They hurt a lot.

MI: I imagine they must. You took quite the shot to your balls with that tear gas canister.


MI: I mean you went down and crumbled onto the pavement like you were shot.

DHBWTGC: I was shot. In the balls. With a tear gas canister.

MI: What did the doctors say about your balls?

DHBWTGC: My balls are still pretty swollen. They’re about the size of grapefruits now. Doc says they will be swollen for a couple more weeks.They had to give me a few cortisone shots right in my nutsack. Very long needle. Went in one end of my nutsack and out the other. 

MI:That must have hurt.

DHBWTGC: It did. Not as much as being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. But it still hurt.

MI: Did you see the tear gas canister before it hit you in your balls?

DHBWTGC: Obviously not or I would have covered up the old nutsack.

MI: Why didn’t you charge and attack the policeman who had fired the canister at you? Why did you fall down?

DHBWTGC:  Um, because I had just been hit in the balls.

MI: I see. What was going through your mind in the first moments after you were hit in the balls?

DHBWTGC: I was in shock mostly but I remember saying “Ow!”.  I said that a lot. That and “Oh my god I’ve been hit in the balls with a tear gas canister!”

MI: You lay there on the ground for a while. It looked like you tried to get up but couldn’t.

DHBWTGC: Well my balls had just been crushed so it was difficult to stand.

MI: And then someone wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey came to your rescue and helped carry you off the street.

DHBWTGC: Yes. It was good to see Kaepernick not take knee for once. Though I support his right to shit all over the American flag. A flag of racism.

MI: What are your future plans?

DHBWTGC: For the most part I’ll be living at home with my mother and father. The doctor says I have to keep my balls elevated until the swelling goes down so I won’t be doing much walking around. My father built a contraption that keeps my balls elevated. I have to place them inside this pulley and – 

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have. 

And so ended my interview with the dude who was hit in the balls with a tear gas canister. And for my readers here are some photos of the dude being hit in the balls with a tear gas canister and a link to the best five internet memes about the dude who got hit in the balls with a tear gas canister.

My balls!







My balls!







Kaepernick with the assist!







My Balls! My balls have just been crushed by a tear gas canister!


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Updated {Updated} {Updated} {Updated} {Updated} Kennedy Malfeasance Template™

Shut up serf! I”m a Kennedy I am entitled!








Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have written Kennedy Malfeasance Templates before. And so we do again. God bless the rich, bloated, privileged, parasites on society Kennedy Clan. They are a Godsend for bloggers.

Max Kennedy, son of assassinated Senator Robert F. Kennedy and his daughter Caroline were arrested at the Kennedy Compound for:

  1. It was probably just a misunderstanding
  2. Leaving the scene of a fatal car crash
  3. Possession of drugs and/or drug paraphernalia
  4. They are the Kennedys.  Probably a combination of all three
  5. A loud party? You’re kidding? Well the loud party was probably just cover to get the dead bodies out of the house

Neighbors had asked the Kennedys to keep the noise down. Naturally the Kennedys responded by:

  1. Apologizing to their neighbors and immediately turning down the volume at the party
  2. Sleeping with a Nazi spy
  3.  Sleeping with Marilyn Monroe (Well she’s dead so let’s just say it was a life-sized cutout)
  4. Driving a car off a bridge, leaving a young woman to drown as she watched the air pocket slowly become smaller
  5.  Absolutely nothing. These are Kennedys. They do not have to do what serfs ask them to. Royalty has privileges

When police arrived at the compound they:

  1. Did their job and arrested the Kennedys
  2. Asked for autographs and apologized for interrupting the party
  3. Helped the Kennedys move any (recently) dead bodies to a neighbor’s property so they would get blamed
  4. Helped clean up vomit from any overdosing guests
  5. Drove a car off a bridge for the Kennedys, drowning a young woman in the process

The Kennedys were arrested, given tickets and released without bail. What will happen next?

  1. Justice will be served. They will pay a fine
  2. CNN will report that Donald Trump drove a car off a bridge, drowning a young woman
  3. Trump will be impeached
  4. The incident will be blamed on the incendiary rhetoric of the alt-right
  5. Michael Moore will go on an all cheeseburger food strike until the charges are dropped


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 


Conor Kennedy, who briefly dated Taylor Swift was arrested after getting into a brawl outside an Aspen nightclub last December.

What the hell man? How did I miss this? My Kennedy Malfeasance Template skills are apparently not as good as I thought.

For those who care here is the source material on America’s royal family:


Symbol of Misogyny and White Supremacy Pulled Down in Manhattan!

This statue of Ralph Kramden is a symbol of hatred!












Enraged that a statue of hatred stood outside New York’s Port Authority in midtown, angry activists took to the streets and attempted to tear it off its pedestal, set it on fire and throw the symbol of intolerance into the East River.

The statue of bus driver Ralph Kramden has stood outside 8th Avenue for years, attracting little attention as busy commuters rushed to and fro. That was until the activist group “Citizens United Against Stuff We Don’t Like”  decided it was time to remove it.

“We don’t like stuff. This statue is one of those stuff” said the group’s founder.

Kramden was a wife beater. Neighbors say he beat her so hard it sounded like she was being sent to the moon. He is a symbol of hatred and misogyny. He also lived in an all-white apartment building, worked for a bus company that would not hire peoples of color and belonged to a lodge, The International Loyal Order of Friendly Raccoons, that did not allow members of color. Even the name “raccoon” is racist. Given all that why is this symbol of white supremacy and patriarchy allowed to stand in this progressive city?

The group’s members, all recently graduated or still in college surrounded the offensive symbol of our nation’s past hatred and taunted it, chanting “Hey, ho, patriarchy and misogyny have got to go!” before throwing menstrual blood on it.

Next came the actual dismounting the statue from its base, which proved harder than expected for the college-educated elite group.

First they attempted to topple it with their moral authority.

“By the power of my Ivy League degree I say topple over!” shouted the group’s president.

Perhaps because the statue was patriarchal and would not listen to a woman it refused to be toppled over.

They then tried pushing it over but to no avail.

Seeing it still standing several group members became triggered and called their trigger counselors to tell them about their feelings. They then entered the Port Authority building looking for a safe space. Finding no safe space available many became confused and began weeping.

It was then that a passerby saw the weeping group and asked what was wrong.

“We can’t topple the patriarchy” one member said.

They were then directed to the Port Authority’s office where they put in an official work order to remove the offending symbol of hatred.

As four burly men used tools to remove the statue the groups members cheered.

“This is great. We are using the patriarchy to dismantled the patriarchy!” said one.

With the statue now removed they then went to their group headquarters where they feasted on kale, gluten-free bread and seltzer water while planning their next act of tolerance.

“We are asking that the George Washington Bridge be torn down. George Washington was a cisgender white male slaveholder. He is literally Hitler!”