Justice League Adopts Rule Changes!

We were losing ratings and ratings are revenue!







In a controversial move destined to upset purists, the Justice League voted today to adopt several rule changes.

“I’m not sold on these rule changes either” said Justice League CEO Batman who is totally not Bruce Wayne.

But times change. People nowadays don’t have the patience they used to. They don’t want us to wage long battles against evil. The public wants our battles to be action-packed and wrapped up quickly. So they were turning us off. Ratings were down, which affected the price our sponsors were willing to pay. And I don’t have to tell you that ratings equals money equals power. So, painfully, we’ve made these changes.

The most controversial of the rule changes is the adoption of a “DSH” or “Designated Super Hero.

Just as in baseball some of our Superheros are great at offense but suck at defense. Superman for example. If I ever want someone to aggressively seek out and destroy an enemy it would be Superman, who is totally not Clark Kent, by the way. I also pride myself on my offense. But let’s say Aquaman is called upon to fight evil. Now I love and respect Aquaman and there is no one I’d rather have by my side if we were under siege but when it comes to offense he’s all wet. So the way the DSH would work is he would sit out any situations that call for offense and in his place me, Batman or Wonder Woman, who is a kick ass female and is totally not sleeping with Superman, would take his place. The DSH would allow for more action and a higher body count, which is what the public wants.

There will also be a limit on how long a member of the Justice League can take from the time he first hears of evil to when he actively engages in stopping evil.

We’ve gotten letters saying that we had become too slow moving and that we should speed things up. So let’s say evil is afoot. Under the rule changes we now have exactly one minute to get into costume and begin fighting crime. Now this will be tough on some of our members. They require lots of time getting into costume. I will be affected by this. If I put on my Bat costume to quickly and am not careful my nipples get pinched. Ever try to fight crime with pinched nipples? Not fun. But you do what you have to do to stay in business so I will comply with the new rule. This shouldn’t affect Superman and Wonder Woman who can throw on their outfits pretty quickly, which they usually remove in each other’s presence. Though I must again state that they are not sleeping with each other.

Finally to ensure fairness instant replay will be employed.

Some villains have accused us of attacking them when they aren’t actually engaged in evil. The Justice League’s lawyers have asked us to institute replay for fairness and our legal protection. If there is a question that actual evil is taking place we shall stop and our main office in midtown Manhattan shall look at the tapes and make a simple ruling: Evil afoot or not evil afoot.

“I hope these rule changes will modernize the Justice League and attract younger viewers” said Batman.

“Crap. I have to pee. It’s going to take me an hour to get out of my suit. I really should design a Bat suit with a pee hole.”


The Official Muslim Written Driver’s License Test

Muslims are good drivers









In the week since a Muslim (motives still unknown) drove down a bike path in Manhattan killing eight attention has focused on whether Muslims are good drivers. Well wonder no more. I have obtained a copy of the official Muslim Written Driver’s License Test and it shows that Muslims have to obey the same traffic laws as you and I.

You drive along the street and hear a siren. What should you do?’

  1. Speed up and turn at the next intersection
  2. Slow down but don’t stop until you see it
  3. Pull to the curb and look to see if it is on your street
  4. Wait until the vehicle is right behind you and detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

What does a flashing yellow light mean?

  1. Proceed with caution
  2. Merging traffic
  3. Bike path up ahead. Enter bike path and run pedestrians over
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

You must yield the right-of-way to an approaching vehicle when you are

  1. Turning left
  2. Going straight ahead
  3. Muslims never yield the right-of-way to infidels!
  4. Who cares?  Just detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

Seat belts can be most effective as injury preventive devices when they are worn by

  1. The person with the suicide vest driving the car
  2. Passengers wearing suicide vests who are passengers in the car
  3. Allah never wore a seat belt and neither should you
  4. Always wear a seat belt! You don’t want to get a ticket before detonating your suicide vest for maximum casualties

Which of the following is true – People driving under the influence of alcohol 

  1. Are Infidels! Followers of the Prophet do not drink
  2. Can hopefully crash their car into pedestrians for maximum casualties. You see Infidels can unwittingly be used to promote Islam
  3. May lack the motor coordination to detonate their suicide vest
  4. Alcohol is a Jewish trick! You just can’t trust these Zionists!

Before leaving a parking space that is parallel to the curb you should

  1. Look for traffic using your inside rear view mirror
  2. Look for traffic by turning your head
  3. Stab as many infidels as you can
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

If your car goes into water you should

  1. Wait for the water to rush in and let it out in small breaths through your nose
  2. Call the fire department immediately
  3. Get out as fast as you can before your suicide vest gets wet
  4. After all if your suicide vest gets wet how do you expect to detonate it for maximum casualties?

What does a NO STANDING sign mean?

  1. Drivers cannot stand in front of parked vehicles
  2. Stab an Infidel and smear his blood on the sign
  3. There is NO STANDING the Jewish State! It must be annihilated!
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties while sitting down; A good Muslim always obeys the law

I hope this test will once and for all lay to rest the disturbingly racist notion that Muslims cannot be safe drivers.



Entertainment Industry Shuts Down as Everyone in Hollywood Enters Sex Rehab!

Hooray for sex abuse!





What started with the Harvey Weinstein expose has mushroomed into an industry-wide crisis as it was announced today that every studio had shut down production on every product due to the fact that all their actors were in sex rehab.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before” said one studio executive.

We had to close down everything. All movies, TV shows and talk shows in production because all the talent is currently in sex rehabilitation. No one is available! We are losing money every day because of this. If this keeps up all the studios will be bankrupt soon. I tell you Hollywood hasn’t seen a crisis like this since Ginger Rogers came out as a Republican!

Another studio head tells of the problems he encountered while on the set of a big budget production.

“Everybody was grabbing everyone else by their privates”  he complained.

The star, a top box office phenom, was backing interns up against the wall and pleasuring himself in front of them. What the hell? This guy is a huge star! He doesn’t have to go after interns. He can hire a hooker like a normal person. I had one intern ask me if his medical insurance covered a broken penis.  “The actor just grabbed it and tried to rip it off” he told me. Now we have good medical and dental but I’m not sure broken penises are covered. I don’t even like to say the words “broken penis.”  I think having that qualifies as a toxic work environment.

A third industry insider spoke of “disturbing sexual shenanigans.”

I’m a pretty open-minded guy but I saw one of our actors bring a horse into his trailer. For what I can only speculate but we had to fire the horse. He was never the same after that. He was nervous and wouldn’t let anyone mount him. Kind of like my wife. I’m just thankful that horses cannot sue in California. Not yet anyway.

With every actor in Hollywood now in sex rehab,studio officials weighed their options.

“We thought about having all female movies and TV shows” said a Paramount exec.

But unless it’s porn who wants to see a bunch of woman doing anything? I mean look at the WNBA. So we couldn’t do that. That’s when we decided to do nothing but animal shows for the foreseeable future. So we hired Garfield the Cat to star in a couple movies and TV shows. Look I’m not happy about this either but until the actors get out of rehab and hopefully learn to keep it in their pants we had precious few good options. So get used to Garfield people. He’s going to be over-saturated for the next year or two.


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


Production on Garfield the Cat’s latest movie was shutdown after allegations of sexual harassment on the set.

“He just plopped down and started licking his balls. Right in front of me!” said an intern.

“If I want to subject myself to that kind of abuse I’ll go back to working for the Kennedys!”


My Exclusive Interview with Kevin Spacey

Celebrate my bravery for coming out








Today at Manhattan Infidel I am interviewing a figure much in the news lately: two-time Academy award winning actor, producer, director, writer, singer and former artistic director of the Old Vic in London, Kevin Spacey.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Spacey.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis? Because doing so denotes ownership. If I do it that means you’re mine.

MI: Um, no. Now let’s talk about certain allegations about you that have recently come out.

KS:  Come out. Interesting choice of words.

MI: Actor Anthony Rapp has recently accused you of attempting to sexually assault him when he was 14 years old.

KS: Yes. This may have happened. But in my defense let me say I am gay.


KS: I am gay and choose to live as a gay man.


MI:Wow. That is so brave of you.

KS: I know.

MI: What were we talking about? Well whatever it was is no longer important. I applaud your act of bravery in coming out.

KS:Thank you. I am gay. A brave, gay man.

[Lee Harvey Oswald enters]

LHO:  Hello.  

Killer gay man









MI: Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who allegedly shot JFK.

LHO: Allegedly?  Bitch please I totally shot him.

MI: So you admit it?

LHO: Yes but in my defense I am gay. I choose to live as a gay assassin.

MI: That is just so brave of you to admit this.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

LHO: No.

MI: I totally forget what we were talking about. Whatever it was isn’t important. The story now is your bravery in coming out.

LHOThank you. I feel very brave.

[Adolf Hitler enters] 

I am gay!












AH: Hello. 

MI: Ladies and gentleman it’s Adolf Hitler, the man responsible for killing six million Jews. What do you have to say for yourself?

AHI’m gay.

MI: Duh. We already know that. I mean, mustache? Hello?

AH: But I’m bravely coming out.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

AH: No.

MI: Okay, you’re officially coming out as gay. I’ll give you that. But you’re not getting a pass for killing six million Jews.

AH: I won’t do it again.

MI: Oh alright. I can’t stay made at you.

[Ted Bundy enters]  

Not gay and has no excuse for his actions










TB: Hello.

MI: Ladies and gentlemen it’s Ted Bundy, who confessed to killing over 30 women.  

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

TB: No.

MI: So what brings you here?  Are you officially coming out and telling the world you are gay?

TB:  I’m not gay. I’m all man. No. I have an peanut butter allergy.

MI, KS, LHO & AH:What?

TB: I have a peanut butter allergy. That’s why I killed all those women.

MI: That’s not a brave confession.

KS: I retract my offer to rest my hand upon your penis.

TB:Whatever dudes. I am out of here.

[Ted Bundy leaves]

MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have. You know I forgot what I wanted to talk about. But I do know I am surrounded by very brave people right now.

KS: Come on. Will someone please let me rest my hand upon their penis?

MI, LHO & AH: No!

That was one of the bravest interviews I’ve ever conducted.


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your New York City Terror Attack Template™

Another blond haired, blue eyed Christian terrorist!







A truck has been used as an instrument of mass destruction. (Hey, maybe we are becoming just like Europe! Isn’t that what our elite want?)

So without further delay here is another in Manhattan Infidel’s award winning never won an award series of templates.  Templates void where prohibited as hate speech.

A man (whom we can only hope was a Christian of northern European origin) drove a truck down a bike path in Manhattan, killing eight. Why would he do this?

  1.  Lower Manhattan is very narrow with many winding streets. He must have simply gotten confused
  2. Yes he was simply confused, panicked and put his foot on the gas. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone (unless he was a blonde, blue-eyed Christian of northern European origin in which case he totally meant to kill. You know how they are!)
  3. Perhaps he just wanted to kill bicyclists, in which case I am not unsympathetic. (Dude, spandex?  I don’t need to see your balls)
  4. Whatever the motives I’m sure alt-right white nationalists will use it to attack progressive, international ideals

You’ve hit the crux of the matter. Alt-right white nationalists will use this unfortunate accident to attack the progressive, international ideals of the United Nations and other NGOs

  1. I know! White people!  Lock them all up.
  2. Being white is a hate crime!
  3. Nationalism is not internationalism which equals racism and backward traditional ideals
  4. I hear alt-right nationalists believe there are only two genders!  Why are they so anti-science?

The NYPD shot the so-called attacker without reason, before he was even able to give an explanation

  1. So typical of the American gun culture
  2. Disarm the racist NYPD!
  3. I hope the suspect has a good lawyer. They shot him on camera! With witnesses! If that isn’t a lawsuit what is?
  4. In Europe they’d hold hands and light candles instead of defending themselves. They are so enlightened!  Why can’t America be more like that?

Donald Trump used the attack to call for an end to the Diversity Visa Lottery

  1. He’s such a racist
  2. He’s just trying to divert attention from the fact that he colluded with Russia and is about to be impeached
  3. He’s not an legitimate President!
  4. Let us all scream helplessly at the sky to vent our sadness over him being President.

I’ve just been informed that the suspect is a Muslim from Uzbekistan

  1. So?  What’s your point?
  2. What are you trying to say?  Islamophobia has no place in a civilized society
  3. You’re Christian aren’t you?  Where’s your Klan robe?
  4. Islam is the Religion of Peace and it is the fastest growing religion in the world!  Submit to the Prophet you alt-right nationalist or pay the price!

And there you have it readers. May this template™ help you make sense of this fast-moving, man-caused event.



My Restrained and Dignified Interview with Respected, Restrained and Dignified Political Reporter Mark Halperin

My penis is an instrument of truth!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing veteran political reporter Mark Halperin.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Halperin.

MH: Good afternoon fellow journalist and seeker of truth

MI: Wow. Okay. Thanks. So let’s review your career accomplishments. In 1997 at the age of 32 you were named political director at ABC news. In 2007 you became a political analyst for Time Magazine. In 2011 you became senior political analyst at MSNBC. You also co-authored the book Game Change, about the 2000 Presidential election that became a movie for HBO. All impressive accomplishments.

MH: I am very talented.

MI: So what are you doing now?

MH: Nothing. I was recently fired by NBC for baseless claims of sexual harassment.

MISexual harassment?

MH: Yes. Some women are claiming that I pressed my erect penis up against them.

MI:  Did you?

MH: Yes. But in my defense it was done professionally.

MI: Professionally?

MH: Yes. As a political reporter my job is to ferret out the truth. To expose malefactors. I have many instruments at my disposal to do this. My penis is one of them.

MI: Your penis?

MH: Yes. My penis is the penis of truth. People cannot lie to me when I place my erect member against them. The fact that the people I did this to were all young, attractive women is irrelevant.

MI: The penis of truth?

MH: Yes. Let me demonstrate.

[Halperin places his erect penis against Manhattan Infidel]

MI: What the hell are you doing?

MH: Have you colluded with the Russians?  Tell me the truth!

MI: No! Now get that thing away from me.

MH :I believe you. See how the penis of truth works?

[Manhattan Infidel receives a text]

MI: What the – did you just send me a picture of your penis?

MH: Yes. I just wanted to verify you weren’t lying.

MI: Is that a mole on your penis?

MH: It is the mole of truth.

MI: Right.

MH: May I place my erect penis against your buttocks?

MI: Hell no.

MH: But it’s the penis of truth.

[He thrusts his penis at Manhattan Infidel]

MH: Did you collude with the Russians?  I remind you that my penis ferrets out the truth.

MI: Get that thing the hell away from me.

MH: Just tell me you love me and this can all be over.

MI: No!

MH: Oh come on. Just tell me you love me.

MI: You’re a maniac.

MH: Come on baby. You know you want it.

[Halperin tries to thrust himself up against Manhattan Infidel]

MI: That does it. I’m out of here.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

MH: Okay then.  I’ll call you. We’re cool then?

You know maybe Halperin has a point about the Penis of Truth. I did tell him the truth after all.



My Exclusive Interview with Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller

Ve hav vays of indicting you









Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of interviewing the man of the hour, special prosecutor Robert Mueller, who after five months of investigation unsealed his first indictments yesterday.

MI: Good afternoon special prosecutor Mueller.

SPM: Please, call me God.

MI: Um. No I’d rather I didn’t. You are not God.

SPM: You foolish, foolish, foolish insignificant little man. I am a god. I have powers you cannot conceive.

MI: You’re beginning to scare me.

SPM: Oh really? Why is that? Do you have reason to be scared? Is there something in your past that perhaps might be illegal?

MI: I am not under suspicion am I?

SPM: Everyone is under suspicion.

MI: You have no evidence that I’ve done anything wrong and no reason to investigate me.

SPM: Evidence? Oh you little people are so trying sometimes. The evidence is what we say it is. I’m a special prosecutor after all.

MI: Let’s talk about that. Is the office of a special prosecutor constitutional?

SPM: It is if we say it is.

MI: But aren’t special prosecutors actually fishing expeditions unanswerable to anyone? You were hired to look into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia yet you indicted Manafort on “Conspiracy against the United States” for alleged crimes committed between 2005 and 2014. And isn’t it true that a special prosecutor will indict just to justify his or her existence?

SPM: Your point being?

MI: The special prosecutor, far from being independent is a political abuse of power.

SPM: Manhattan Infidel did you ever run a lemonade stand?

MI: Yes, when I was ten.

SPM: Did you report that income?

MI: What? No. I was ten.

SPM: So that’s tax evasion.  Did you move that money?

MI: Yes I moved it to my piggy bank.

SPM: So you laundered it and hid your profit from the government.

MI: I was ten!

SPM: Being ten is no excuse for not reporting your income to Washington. I am now indicting you for money laundering, tax evasion and conspiracy against the United States.

MI: What?  

SPM: You must now surrender yourself to the FBI.

MI: But I don’t want to surrender to the FBI.

SPM: Then confess your tax sins to Washington.  This can all be over if you only confess.

MI: Alright. I confess.  

SPM: And?

MI: I’ll vote Democrat. I’ll vote Democrat in every election for the rest of my life. I’m changing my party allegiance. I now self-identify as a committed, Democratic activist.

SPM: I believe you are sincere. I shall now cancel the indictment. You are free.

MI: Thank you sir. Thank you. God bless special prosecutors. God bless them all. And god bless Washington D.C. and our Federal government.

I know what you are saying:  Manhattan Infidel you turned pretty quickly. Yes I did. But in my defense we have to do what we have to do to stay out of the Washington’s crosshairs. Nothing scares me more than the United States government.



Godzilla Asks Fans Not to Dress as Him on Halloween!

Is there nothing the white man won’t culturally appropriate?







In a stunning blow to Cosplay participants everywhere Godzilla has asked that people refrain from using his image this Halloween.

“Just stop it. Will you?  Just stop dressing as me” said Godzilla in a statement released through his agent.

I’m pretty easy going. I’m not like a lot of Hollywood stars who are full of themselves. I haven’t copyrighted my image. I’m not going to send a team of lawyers after some middle class Joe Schmoe who happened to dress like me at a Comic Con. That’s not me, man. I don’t have armed security and I always sign autographs (well, I would if my tiny arms weren’t such useless appendages). But I feel I must draw the line with these Godzilla costumes. First off they don’t even look like me. I don’t have a zipper down my back. I don’t see through my mouth either. But most importantly dressing as me is racist. It is. It’s total cultural appropriation. What right does a white person have to dress as me? I’m Japanese. The white man dropped nuclear bombs on my country. We had legitimate historical grievances against the west. You cut off our oil supply. That’s why we went to war. To survive.

Godzilla’s new-found radicalism has surprised and angered many of his fans.

“I brought my son with me to last year’s Comic Con” said one man.

My son loves Godzilla. He like to run around the house pretending he’s attacking Tokyo shouting “roar, roar.” It’s all good fun. So when I heard that Godzilla would be at Comic Con I saved up my money and bought some tickets. On the day he was going to be there we got in line early. My son was so excited. He was going to meet his hero. So when we get to the front of the line you know what he says? He says “Kid do you know what radiation from an atomic bomb does to the human body? If you’re not incinerated the skin peels off. After a week you develop sores that are very painful. You can’t keep food down. Soon you are begging for death.”  My son starts crying and Godzilla raises his left hand and makes a fist. “This is is for the brothers” he says.  I mean what the f*ck? I don’t care what your politics are. You’re an entertainer. Keep your mouth shut and entertain us!

Despite criticism from fans and possible loss of sponsorship deals Godzilla vows to maintain his new principles. His most recent Comic Con convention was greeted with boos after he took a knee during the National Anthem.

“It ain’t my national anthem” said Godzilla.  “To me it’s a symbol of oppression.”


Actress Terrorized by Old Man in Wheelchair!

The sexual predator caught in the act!











George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of the United States, joins Harvey Weinstein on the list of America’s most feared and loathsome sexual predators.

Brave actress Heather Lind has come forward with details of her shocking sexual assault at the hands (literally) of President Bush during a 2014 event in Houston, Texas.

“He didn’t shake my hand” said the brave, sexually traumatized actress.

Instead he put his hand on my back and told me a dirty joke. A dirty joke! I felt disgusted and dirty.  It seems to me a President’s power is in his or her capacity to enact positive change, actually help people, and serve as a symbol of our democracy. He relinquished that power when he used it against me and, judging from the comments of those around him, countless other women before me. But I’m an actress, which as you know is not much different than being President.  I too can use my power, which isn’t so different from a President really. I can enact positive change. I can actually help people. I can be a symbol of my democracy. I can refuse to call him President, and call out other abuses of power when I see them. I can vote for a President, in part, by the nature of his or her character, knowing that his or her political decisions must necessarily stem from that character. I will not vote for nor respect a rapist. Unless he’s a Democrat.

The brave, sexually assaulted actress, then went on to talk about how her life has been one long downward spiral to hell since her rape.

It would have been so much different if Obama or Clinton had touched me. Those are reliably pro-abortion Democrats. I would have accepted their hands on my body as a sacrifice and oblation. But letting a Republican touch me? No self-respecting resident of New York or California wants such unintelligent, low-class people to touch her. I was so traumatized by Bush that I was emotionally unable to go to an audition for the lead in a movie. I would have played a prostitute who becomes a porn star and sets the record for the most penetrations in a 24-hour period.  It’s important to me as a progressive woman that I got the part. I want there to be positive role models out there for young women.

Eventually the brave, sexually assaulted actress put her life back together and resumed her career.

I was at a party and a producer asked me my name. Normally I would have fellated him but I kept thinking of Bush, so I maced him instead. Didn’t get that role either. It was while he was on the floor gasping with teary eyes that I found the courage to forgive all men and get on with my life. So I guess what I want to say to young women is you too can overcome having a Republican touch you.

President Bush has not responded to Lind’s allegations though his wife Barbara Bush did have this to say:

“That was my hand on her ass. Have you seen her?  Smoking hot!”

Such a positive role model!














Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Hooray for Hollywood Edition)

Horoscope not legally binding









It’s Thursday. That means I have to write a post. But I got nothing. Almost as much nothing as Robert Mueller and his “investigation.” So I shall fall back upon the first rule of blogging: When you have nothing watch Japanese lesbian porn. Um, actually I think that’s more of a tradition rather than an official rule. So instead it’s time for yet another horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

You need to let others know that you are not going to be an easy touch, Unless you want that movie role. That’s just the way Hollywood works. Come on honey.  He just wants to pleasure himself while you watch. Is that too much to ask?

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

You will need to be a lot more adventurous than usual. Don’t be scared to look further afield for your pleasures. In fact you’re in the lobby of a famous producer’s hotel aren’t you? He invited  you up to “talk about a script.” Go to his room. Bring lube and don’t talk about what happens until 30 years later when you will be saluted for your bravery for being the 37th actress to accuse said producer.

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

Someone in a position of authority will give you a hard time for no good reason today. Other than rejecting his sexual advances. Hey, you wanted to be an actress didn’t you honey? So unless you want to spend your life doing dinner theater in Boise, Idaho close your eyes and let the man touch you. Is Paris worth a mass? Of course it was. Is your career worth some non-consensual sex? Of course it is.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

Do you go along with majority opinion for the sake of a peaceful life, or do you kick up a fuss and refuse to play ball? Speaking of balls there are two in your face right now. He’s a producer and you had better give him what he wants. But don’t worry. He’s a progressive who donates to Planned Parenthood. That makes it okay.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

Start the week off by doing something you enjoy, like consensual sex with a loved one. On second thought scrap that idea. Listen honey there’s always someone younger and thinner so put on those knee pads and service the man. If he gives you the role you might win an Oscar,which could lead to acceptance by your peers, drug addiction, domestic abuse and  a possible murder charge. You might even get to play yourself in the movie about your life.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

The difference between success and failure this coming week will depend on how quickly you can get your panties off and into that producer’s bed. Or on the table in his office. Or up against the wall in his office. Or bent over the table in his office. Remember, in Hollywood sex is a medium of exchange and probably worth more than the dollar.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

There have been times of late when it seemed as if you were no longer master of your fate. But that is not true. You are the master of your fate. All you have to do is let the producer take off his bathroom and pleasure himself in front of you. He may occasionally reach out and grab your breasts which hopefully aren’t small or you’ll never make it in Hollywood.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You will learn something to your advantage this week, something that your rivals and competitors would rather you did not know about. Yes you have pictures of a famous producer naked with sheep. You could use this to to blackmail him but instead you will burn the photos because your conscience bothers you. That is why in 30 years you will be waiting tables at a Pizza Hut in Oswego, New York. Schmuck.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You are determined to get your share of the good things in life and you are determined to do what it takes. In other words you will let producers pass you around at private parties. You will be known as a “good time girl.” Sadly you will only get bit parts in cheap, independently-made movies. Your body shall be found in a reservoir years later.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

Success will come easily to you but it won’t just happen as if by magic. No you need to brush up on your sexual technique. Sadly too much penetration will widen your vagina to the point that sex will no longer be enjoyable. But you did get to make a few commercials so I guess it was worth it. You will go missing years later. People will claim they can still see your ghost riding Greyhound buses back and forth between Paducah, Kentucky and Hollywood.

Sagittarius ( November 22nd – December 21st)

You may need to make an effort to explain yourself to other people today. Specifically why did you walk out of that naked producer’s hotel room without letting him pleasure himself in front of you? Are you trying to ruin your reputation? What are you? A conservative? You’ll never work in this town again!

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

You will never to worry about sexual harassment. You’re a Capricorn and no one wants to have sex with you anyway. With no physical charms and not being able to use your body your chances of success in Hollywood are minimal. May we suggest a career in radio?