Nurse Chapel Suspended by Star Fleet; Career in Jeopardy Over Sexual Harassment Allegations!

Security footage shows the harassment!

Security footage shows the harassment!

Christine Chapel, a nurse on board the Federation starship Enterprise has been suspended indefinitely by Star Fleet after complaints that she was engaging in “inappropriate” behavior towards a superior officer.

“We have reviewed the complaints lodged by Commander Spock and we deem them credible” said Star Fleet’s director of Climate and Sexual Justice.

We at Star Fleet take allegations of sexual harassment and/or climate change very seriously. There is no place for inappropriate touching or emails. Our Star Ships are safe spaces where all species can interact progressively. Nurse Chapel violated this with her repeated harassment of one of our officers. The officer in question, though Vulcan and without feelings, still was threatened and felt unsafe aboard the Enterprise. We have suspended nurse Chapel and ordered here to take an anti-sexual harassment workshop. Also if she would confess her climate justice sins that would be great.

The object of Chapel’s harassment, Commander Spock thanked Star Fleet for its quick action in this matter.

“I did nothing to bring this on”  he said.

I am bewildered by the illogicality of the situation. I’ve heard that Earth women sometimes get “Vulcan fever.” but I thought it was just a myth. But from the moment Nurse Chapel arrived on the Enterprise she has been all over me. If she wasn’t bringing plomeek soup to my quarters she was insisting on being present during my quarterly physical. As you know physicals are intimate and embarrassing. But there she was performing my prostate exam personally. During the exam when she had her finger in my behind she started spanking me and saying “Do you like that bitch?” I see no logical reason why spanking would improve my prostate exam. Though it did feel good. Hey, there are many nerve endings on the backside. It’s logical. Not a fetish. Really. I can’t insist upon that enough.

Despite Star Fleet’s strong response many complain of a double standard.

“Do you know how many illegitimate children Kirk has scattered throughout the galaxy” said the Enterprise’s chief engineer Montgomery Scott.

I’ve lost track. But the number is so high sometimes I think Kirk plays in the NBA! Part of me doesn’t blame him. Hell I’d father children all over the galaxy too if my willy would work. But I’m usually so drunk it doesn’t. 

I love booze!

I love booze!

Or do I drink because my willy won’t work? I miss my happy willy! I’d take some pills but I’m also taking nitrates for chest pain and I’m worried about an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

Nurse Chapel has decided to visit the planet Vulcan while suspended.

“She’s got the pointy-eared fever” her commanding officer, doctor McCoy said.

Spock has taken leave to vacation on Risa, the pleasure planet.

“I’m hoping to be spanked” Spock explained. “I’m a bad Vulcan. I’m a bad, naughty Vulcan and I need discipline. Logical discipline.”

(7)

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: California Secedes!

We secede!

We secede!

Dateline January 2019.

With California’s secession finalized Governor-elect Gavin Newson took the oath of office as the President of the People’s Democratic Republic of California.

Surrounded by heavy security the President took the oath promising to “defend the socialist republic and the redistribution of wealth for which it stands.”

He then began his acceptance speech.

My fellow citizens of this great socialist republic. I take the oath of office as your first president fully aware of the dangers we face. The United States of America and their illegitimate president Donald Trump have threatened us and intend to keep us in the so-called “Union.”

A union of what?  The values of the United States are not the values of California. The values of California are socialism and diversity. The values of the United States are capitalism and alt-right white supremacy.

We cannot live together with Americans anymore. They embarrass us with their backwardness.

That is why we had to secede.

Sure they may declare war on us. They may bomb our cities. They may bomb our bridges and damns. They may kill us by the hundreds of thousands. They may leave our infrastructure a smoking ruin.

But none of that matters. Because we have the moral high ground.

Yes we are superior to those who live in America. Americans are backward manual laborers who have never been to college.

Here in California everyone goes to college.  Oh sure we have the lowest reading scores in the nation but what does that matter?

Americans also do not believe the settled science of climate change. We Californians do.

That is why we will prevail in this fight. We have the high moral ground. We have science behind us.

Because we believe in climate change we do not worry about building new power plants or hydroelectric damns.

Rolling brown outs help us keep our sea levels from increasing.

That is why I am being sworn in at night time. By candlelight.  

It sends a message to all the world that California is to be taken seriously.

We the people, and by we the people I mean you not me or anyone who works for the government, are willing to live in candlelight. We and by we I  mean you, are willing to forgo automobiles and are willing to travel by horse drawn carriage.

We and by we I mean you are willing to do this so the coastal residents will not be harmed by rising sea levels.

Yes, Californians are to be taken seriously. I have already appointed cabinet officials whom I introduce to you now:   Sarah Silverman, Secretary of Defense and Matt Damon, Secretary of State.

I have also signed a treaty of defense with the People’s Republic of China.

So bring it on America.

We are ready for your bombs. We have the moral supremacy of California to protect us!

And since we no longer have to pay Federal taxes to the backward people in Washington I have tripled California’s taxes! It takes a village to build a high-speed rail project.

One last word. My Spanish is not too good but I’m happy to announce that I have made Spanish the official language of our country.

¡Mi aerodeslizador esta lleno de anguilas!

And with that the new president acknowledged the cheers of the audience and left in his private helicopter.

(2)

0 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Sarah Silverman

This woman l has brilliant points.

This woman has brilliant points.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the brilliant political theoretician and noted military strategist, Hollywood superstar celebrity has-been Sarah Silverman.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Silverman

SS: Shut up.

MI: What?

SS: It’s time for all white people to shut up, listen and learn.

MI: But – 

SS: No. The world has suffered too much at the hands of white people. White people no more!

MI: But you’re white.

SS: Yes, but I self-identify as a black woman.

MI:  I see.

SS: A black woman. A black lesbian. A black lesbian who self-identifies as a black transsexual.

MI: Okay.

SS: Wait, I left out Latinas. I also self-identify as a Latina. And I will use my special Latina wisdom to beat down your honky ass.

MI: Right. Moving on – 

SS: Oh you’d like that whitey. Wouldn’t you?  You want to shut me up. Your white male gaze wants to use me sexually.

MI: No. Now you recently called for a military coup against Donald Trump.

SS: Yes. Once the military is with us fascists will be overthrown.

MI: Isn’t that the definition of fascism?  Using the military to overthrow a legitimately elected government?

SS: Don’t confuse me with your white male logic.

MI:  And don’t fascists shout down opposing points of view?

SS:  I AM NOT SHOUTING YOU DOWN! SHUT UP!

MI:You’re shouting at me.

SS: YES BUT I AM SHOUTING DOWN MY OPPRESSORS THAT MAKES IT OKAY.

MI: Right. So once you achieve your military coup what sort of government will replace Trump?

SS: A compassionate one that will let in all sorts of nice Muslims from the middle east. Like those ISIS fellows.

MI: You know ISIS will sell you into sex slavery and have you genitally mutilated.

SS:  Stop these white male facts!  They are mean!

MI: Speaking of facts you are 46 are you not?

SS: Stop it!  stop it! Where’s my safe space?

MI: I didn’t provide one.

SS: You are so mean. That’s why we have to overthrow Trump. My body is breaking down with fear and rage!

MI: Are you sure that’s not menopause?

SS: Overthrow Trump!  Overthrow Trump!  We need a coup!  A coup will make me feel better about myself.

MI: Miss Silverman do you have any last words?

SS: Last words?  Are you going to put me in one of your right-wing concentration camps?

MI: No. I mean’t last words for my audience before we close this interview.

SS: Yes, I call upon our brave men and women in uniform to overthrow our President. It’s a constitutional duty! It’s in the Constitution or something.

MI: I should go.

SS: Wait, don’t go.  You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!… All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.

MI: Good bye.

SS: Don’t leave me!  Don’t leave me!  Where’s  the military? Overthrow Trump!

[Sarah Silverman breaks down into tears]

You know I have to find a better class of Hollywood has-been to interview.

(4)

0 Comments

Your James Franco-Inspired “Hollywood Superstar Spirals Into Depression Following Trump Victory” Template

I'm spiraling into a deep emotional depression

I’m spiraling into a deep emotional depression

Noted Hollywood superstar James Franco recently admitted that he has had a tough time emotionally after Hillary Clinton’s loss in November.

“I’ve spiraled into a depression and I’ve been questioning everything that I am, and how I’ve been doing things” said the Oscar-nominated actor.

I certainly hate to see rich, privileged elite spiral into depression and want to find the root cause of such emotional distress. With that in mind it’s time for another one of my patented templates. (Do not try this at home. Remember I am a professional amateur blogger.)

Depression is serious. Many Hollywood actors suffer from depression.  Why?

  • Brilliant minds often fall victim to emotional distress
  • They have so much on their minds, what with trying to stop global warming and all
  • They are emotionally stunted narcissists
  • They spend thousands on cocaine every week yet still feel emotionally unfulfilled

What are the warning signs of depression in rich, privileged Hollywood assholes elite?

  • Their brilliant, erudite intellects begin to function on an ignorant “red-state” level
  • Increase in cocaine and/or meth use
  • Lack of interest in underage boys
  • Orgy on private yacht only seems slightly desirable

What can pull an actor out of a debilitating, spiraling depression?

  • Recognition from one’s peers
  • Increase in cocaine and/or meth use
  • Underage boys
  • Prescription “pain killers” such as Oxycodone. Granted it won’t end depression but when you’re high as a kite who gives a shit

I’ve told an actor that they are brilliant and given them free cocaine and/or meth but they are still depressed. What can I do?

  • Give them space. Sometimes brilliant, privileged elite just need to work out their issues
  • You  mentioned cocaine and/or meth. Try throwing in heroin as well
  • Put on a chauffeur’s uniform and let them f*ck you in the ass
  • Put on a chauffeur’s uniform and f*ck them in the ass

What can Americans do to end the scourge of depression in Hollywood?

  • Prayer always works
  • Stop voting Republican you stupid red state hicks! Don’t you realize how much that depresses Hollywood?
  • I mean come on! America doesn’t deserve its Hollywood elite. They are so much better than you mere laborers
  • Try putitng on a French maid uniform instead of a chauffeur’s uniform. After all they are actors and can play versatile roles

And there you have it, dear readers. Let us all join together and end the scourge of depression among rich, privileged Hollywood actors. It’s the least we common people can do.

(7)

0 Comments

Emergency Medical Hologram on Voyager Deactivated Due to Glitch in Programming!

Please state the nature of your sexual emergency

Please state the nature of your sexual emergency

The Emergency Medical Hologram (“EMH“) aboard the Star Ship Voyager has been shut down because of aberrant behavior on its part.

“It’s bad enough our doctor died so we had to activate the EMH” said Voyager’s Captain, Kathryn Janeway.

I like my doctors like I like my bourbon: real and warm. No ice. And EMH’s always are a little icy. But eventually we got used to him and started viewing him as a member of the crew. But then the trouble started.

The trouble would be a hidden sub-routine in the EMH’s programming.

How were any of us to know that the EMH was written in with a sexual sub-routine that was activated by our crew.  I blame Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres. Those two were always going at it. But since B’Elanna is part Klingon she injured Tom once during sex.

Let's have rough sex that injures you

Let’s have rough sex that injures you

So they called the EMH. He’s supposed to say “Please state the nature of your medical emergency” when you activate him. Instead he sees them and says “Please state the nature of your sexual emergency.”  Then he asked if he could stay and watch. I expect that sort of behavior from Ensign Kim but not the EMH.

Thinking it was just a temporary bug a Level 3 diagnostic was run on the EMH.

The diagnostic didn’t find anything so we thought we were safe. But the problem kept getting worse. Now every time we activated him he wanted to get his holographic freak on. Sometimes he wasn’t even wearing pants. I’m no programmer but whoever programmed this guy needs to be shot.

One crew member, a former Borg designated Seven of Nine

Come on Come on let's make love tonight

Come on Come on let’s make love tonight

in particular was the target of the EMH’s sexual subroutine.

He would show up in her quarters even when not activated. At all hours. He even started singing an old Earth tune by Marvin Gaye called “Sexual Healing.” While Seven of Nine called security the EMH would prance around in a towel singing “Get up, get up, get up, get up Let’s make love tonight.”  I tell you it was borderline harassment.

Soon the EMH’s sexual subroutine became insatiable.

He started showing up at all the male crew quarters.  “Time for your exam” he’d say while waving what he called “The Finger of Pleasure”  in front of a poor crewman’s face.  Commander Chakotay

I feel violated!

I feel violated!

still hasn’t stopped crying. I think he may be seriously psychologically harmed by what happened.

Finally the core of the Voyager’s computer system had to be brought down while all references to the EMH were wiped out.

Now we have no doctor. Shame really since we’re stuck in the Delta quadrant and it’ll take us 70 years to get back to Earth. But we have a library and I’m having the cook, Neelix, study any medical textbooks we have. Most of the crew have died but he’s learning.

At the moment there are no plans to bring back the EMH.

“Before we reactivate the horny bastard I’m having the replicator make chastity belts for all of us” said Janeway.

(13)

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Horoscope: The Protest Edition

What's your sign honey?

What’s your sign honey?

It’s been awhile since the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel had a horoscope.There are many reasons for this. But since I am drinking again I feel it’s time for the next horoscope. And seeing that protests against the President are once again fashionable I give you: The Protest Edition horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You will make efforts above and beyond the call of duty over the next few days  so get those protest signs ready. Your immediate future is rosy and your long-term prospects are impressive. Just kidding. Video of you throwing a garbage can through a bank window will go viral and no none will hire you after that. But hey as long as mom and dad let you live in the basement who needs a job?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone you think of as a friend will try to mislead you today. But don’t be fooled. Throwing a garbage can through a window is a serious offense. I don’t care what the Aquarius thinks. So do not throw that garbage can. Wear a pussy hat instead.  It’s cute and people will take you seriously

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You may be full of enthusiasm for something but if you come on too strong today you may scare away someone whose friendship could be important to you. So put down that garbage can, don’t kick in that car window and take that pussy hat off your head. Yeah I know I told the Pisces it was cute but I was lying. You look ridiculous.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It may seem as if someone is going out of their way to make life difficult for you but chances are you are overreacting. All they really want to do is set your car on fire. But this is no reason not to be friendly. Compliment them on their pussy hat and remember you are misogynistic. racist hater. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Something has affected you deeply and you are struggling hard not to show it. Why?  I’d get angry to if someone in a pussy hat threw a garbage can through your window. Everyone gets emotional occasionally so don’t deny what you feel. If you keep things bottled up inside there is a danger you might explode, not unlike that pipe bomb that went off down the block.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It would be nice if certain people would come round to your way of thinking but if they don’t consider rioting. But first print up some nice protest signs then break their windows and set their car on fire.  Remember they are not as compassionate as you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

No horoscope for you. You’re not worth it. Leo’s are scum. I bet you don’t even own a pussy hat! In fact I’m going to throw a garbage can through your window. You hater!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Life is too short to waste time worrying about events that may never happen, so get over whatever is bothering you. You lost the damn election. Put that garbage can down, take off your pussy hat and get a job hippie.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Express yourself freely and creatively in everything you do. Block traffic! Wear a pussy hat! Carry large placards. Did I mention blocking traffic?  Because that’s a winner and a sure fire way of influencing people and getting them to come over to your point of view. Oh hell if I see you in the street i’ll run you over punk.

Scorpio ( October 23 – November 21)

Avoid going to extremes over the next few days. By that I mean do not block traffic while carrying a placard and wearing a pussy hat.  A Libra was just run over doing that! Boy these conservatives! All they care about is getting to work and paying their bills. Such haters!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You cannot afford to wait for people to catch up with your political beliefs. So get out there on the street and block some traffic! Break some windows! Set cars on fire. Don’t worry if you are all alone. What are the chances of someone running you over?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You suck. No one wants to be your friend. You have no personality and people just do not want to be around you. You will die alone. Unless you are sent to jail for throwing a garbage can through a window. Then you won’t die alone. You will die with your cell mate on top of you. (Your pussy hat must have turned him on.)

(7)

Green Women Form Support Group; Star Fleet Officers Target of Their Wrath!

I am green women hear me roar!

I am green women hear me roar!

Throughout the Alpha quadrant, green woman have bonded together into support groups. The object?  Share their experiences at the hands of Star Fleet officers.

“We are tired of how Star Fleet officers use us and then toss us away” said one green woman attending a support session.

Yes I am green. And no man can resist a green woman but that doesn’t mean I am here for your objectification. I’m serious. Every time I meet someone from the Federation it starts out well. They buy me flowers. Handbags. Shoes. But eventually they all want the same thing: To get inside my green pussy. I have feelings. I’m not just here for a hookup. I want to find a life partner!

Still another green woman spoke of the lack of boundaries.

I’m a dancer. I don’t apologize for using my body. A girl’s got to do what a girls’ got to do.

You can look but you better not touch!

You can look but you better not touch!

I do a lot of private parties for Star Fleet officers on shore leave. They are good tippers. But they insist on touching as well as looking. I can understand it. I’m a green woman after all. They all want me. Even Wesley Crusher was getting turned on. Though his pubes haven’t dropped yet so he wasn’t able to do anything. So yeah, but come on. I’m a professional dancer not an escort. Keep your grubby Star Fleet hands off my body!

So concerned has Star Fleet become by the so-called “Objectifying Star Fleet gaze

The objectifying Star Fleet gaze has become a problem

The objectifying Star Fleet gaze has become a problem

that a Prime Directive has been sent out to all officers warning them that contact with green women has been officially banned for centuries.

Star Fleet Order No. 297A

Re:  Green Women

Pursuant to previous memos and reinforcing official Fleet policy all officers are reminded that as ambassadors of the Federation they shall not objectify or otherwise sexualize the local inhabitants, including but not limited to Romulans, Vulcans, Klingons, Aldebaran shellmouths and of course green women. Your first mission in remote regions is to spread the values of the Federation. Nor does “to seek out new life” mean coitus as is widely believed. We ask all officers to adhere to this policy. Violators will be fined and/or demoted in rank.

The order has for the most part met with little resistance.

“Screw it. I’ll just use the holodeck for my green girl action” commented Commander Riker of the Enterprise D.

Not everyone however wishes to stay away from green women.

I just want to do it with a green girl!!!!

I just want to do it with a green girl!!!!

“I just want to do something with a green girl!  Why oh why don’t my pubes descend? Come on pubes. Do your thing!” acting ensign Wesley Crusher was heard to cry.

(6)

Democratic Leaders Hold Conference on How to Talk to the Common Man

Just like Dr. Doolittle talked to the animals, we Democrats have to talk to the common man!

Just like Dr. Doolittle talked to the animals, we Democrats have to talk to the common man!

Still reeling from the unexpected defeat of Hillary Clinton, Democratic leaders of the House and the Senate held a private retreat in West Virginia to learn how to talk to the common man, widely believed to be the reason they lost.

“We didn’t get our message across very well” said House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

Like all intelligent people I wish white people would just shut up. Haven’t they done enough damage? But telling undereducated white folk this just made them rebel and not vote for us. So we have to learn to talk to the undereducated rubes. It’s not fun. I feel dirty. Rural white folk disgust me. But a vote’s a vote.

To assist in their “white people talking” a booklet was printed up and the Democrats in attendance had to perform exercises to help them better talk to rural white folk.  Said Pelosi:

I’ve been told that many of these dirty, filthy, manual-laboring white folk are traditional and religious. We Democrats have to be comfortable talking about our faith to these people. Even though we Democrats have different sacraments than religious folk – I prostrate myself before the altar of socialism and abortion – the principle is the same. Except I’m not a superstitious, ignorant commoner.

With that, shrugging her shoulders as if to say “Here goes nothing” Pelosi began a practice address to white folk.

All powerful God of hell fire I ask thou to pour down your wrath upon the ignorant white folk gathered around me. Let them realize that God and the Democratic party are the same thing. May they know that if they do not vote Democrat they shall be shunned and their businesses taxed out of existence. I ask this all powerful, wrathful, vengeful God so that these white folk will come to know your power. Smite them that disobey the Democratic Party! Throw them into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Next up was Pete Buttigieg, the openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana whose topic was binary marriage.

Hey white man. You believe in heterosexual marriage? Is that what you rural folks want? You want to stick your dick in a woman’s pussy? You are perverted. Despite my disgust at your actions I ask you to please vote Democrat so we can continue to protect your penis in vagina sexual activity. Rubes!

“I think I nailed that” said Buttigieg. “The binary vote is ours!”

The conference ended when all the attending Democrats joined hands and sang Kum ba yah.

“This is so exciting” said Steny Hoyer (D-MD).

“It’s just like Woodstock only I’m not having binary sex with a flower child. I miss binary sex.”

(1)

0 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with the Sad, Tragic Jeremy Gelbwaks

So close to fame and fortune only to have it cruelly snatched away.

So close to fame and fortune only to have it cruelly snatched away.

Show business can be cruel and heartless even for the very lucky. But those those who aren’t lucky it can be extremely devastating. With that in mind today I interview Jeremy Gelbwaks, the first drummer for the Partridge family and learn his tragic story.

MI: Good afternoon Jeremy. How are you?

JG: You told me over the phone you’d give me 100 bucks if I spoke to you. Where’s my money?

MI: You’ll get it after the interview. So tell me about the Partridge family.

JG: I was there from the beginning. I saved their asses. They needed a drummer for a gig in New Hamburg, New York but didn’t have any. So they hired me.

MI: You were with them for two years. They must have liked your drumming.

JG:  I created the Partridge family sound. My drumming brought them attention. I had my own style. I called it the “Jeremy Gelbwaks atomic beat.” It drove the band to greater heights musically.

MI:  You were there when the Partridge family was discovered and got their first big break.

JG: Yeah, some rich guy named Ruben Kincaid found us. We were playing a block from his record store. People used to go in and ask for our records so he came to see us. He signed us right after that.

MI: He got you the TV show on ABC.

JG:  Yep. We were in the big time. Fame and fortune. I tell you I was getting more pussy than Jimmy Page.

MI: Did you get along with the other members of the Partridge family?

JG:  I was closest to Shirley Jones. She was a sweetheart. I never liked David Cassidy. He was jealous of my looks and was afraid I was getting more girls than he did.

MI: So you’re riding high and after the first year what happened?

JG: Reuben called me and asked me to meet him in his office. I thought I was going to get a raise, being the most popular member you know. Instead he says “Jeremy the family has spoken. They want you out and Brian Forster in.” 

Gelbwak's replacement

Gelbwak’s replacement

I was devastated. I felt like I had been stabbed in the back. How could they do this to me. I’m a better drummer than Brian. Everybody knows that.

MI: Did the other members of the Partridge family ever give you any explanation?

JG: No. I never heard from any of them again.

MI: So what have you done since you left the band?

JG:  I formed my own band, the Jeremy Gelbwaks Combo. We toured for a couple years but didn’t have any success. So we split up. After that I tried to kill myself by putting my head in an oven. Fortunately since I had no money the gas had been turned off. Then I got a job at Burger King. It’s good, honest work and I get all the free fries I want. I like fries.

MI:  I see.

JG: I’m up for a promotion to assistant manager. I hope I get it. Maybe if I become a manager the girls will like me again. Chicks dig assistant managers you know.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

JG: Hey, where’s my money.

[Manhattan Infidel gives him 100 dollars]

JG: Thanks. This will come in handy. I need to buy some new bed sheets. To impress the ladies you see.

MI: Right. Well thank you for meeting with me.

JG: No problem. Oh and tell David Cassidy that if I ever see him I’ll kick his pretty boy ass.

And so ended my interview with the slightly tragic Jeremy Gelbwaks. I leave you with the Partridge family (with Jeremy Gelbwaks not Brian Forster) in all their glory.  I for one feel that Gelbwaks atomic beat drove the band.

 

(36)

Miss Piggy Still Missing a Week After Women’s March!

Miss Piggy is missing!

Miss Piggy is missing!

Nine days after the famous Women’s March that united the globe, Hollywood veteran Miss Piggy remains missing.

“It’s true” said her manager.

No one has heard from her and we are all concerned. The last time I spoke to her she was in Washington at the march waiting for her chance to speak. She said Ashley Judd was on stage and “firing up the sisterhood.”  Miss Piggy was looking forward to speaking and sharing her experiences with sexism in Hollywood.

While many know Miss Piggy from her years with the Muppets what many don’t know is that behind the scenes she had become radicalized after dealing with the patriarchy in Hollywood.

“Miss Piggy wanted to be taken seriously as an artist” said a friend.

Instead she found nothing but casting couches. She became resigned to using her body to get roles. That’s how she got the job on the Muppets. Jim Henson wanted sexual favors from Miss Piggy. She didn’t like it. She felt humiliated but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to survive.

Disgusted by years of sexism, her ability to reproduced destroyed by repeated abortions demanded by her producer boyfriends, Miss Piggy became embittered and grew to hate men.

Seeing the Women’s  march as a chance to proclaim her feminist values Miss Piggy traveled to the event, speech in hand. This speech, which she never had the chance to give, was found in a garbage can after the march, some portions of which I now quote in hopes that it will give us insight into her final days.

I am a nasty pig. I am a nasty woman. I am a nasty pig woman. I’m not as nasty as the bloodstains in my pig panties. I’m not as nasty as bleeding from my orifices. Bleeding imposed upon us by a god that hates nasty women. I am a nasty pig woman but not as nasty as using a coat hanger to abort my child because my rich producer boyfriend wouldn’t pay for an abortion. My vagina is bloodier than the season premiere of the Walking Dead! I take pride in my nasty blood. I smear my nasty blood and nasty feces all over the walls of the patriarchy!

“After Ashley left the stage I turned to give Miss Piggy her cue but she was gone” said a march organizer.

We thought maybe she had gone to a porta-john or she was putting on some makeup but no one could find her. So instead we all linked arms and sang Tammy Wynette’s song “Stand by Your Man” only we changed the lyrics to “Stand by Your Bloody Pussy.”

Suspicion immediately fell upon Miss Piggy’s long-time paramour, Kermit the Frog.

Despite carrying a sign that said “Beta male just here to shut up, learn and listen” many doubted if he were a true feminist.

“Kermit  liked his women young and let’s face it, Miss Piggy was getting up there” said an associate of the two.

I mean everyone on the set of the Muppets knew he was trying to get rid of her. Hell he even asked Fozzy Bear if he’d kill her for $50,000. I guess he figured paying someone to murder her was cheaper than paying alimony.

An arrest warrant has been issued for Fozzy Bear who is described as “extremely dangerous and armed with many bad jokes.”

Kermit maintains his innocence but has traveled to a non-extradition country just in case.

“I’m just sitting here relaxing in the south of France. Where’s Missy Piggy?  That’s none of my concern” said Kermit.

(5)