Aging, Irrelevant Millionaire Socialist Who Skipped Out on Paying Irish Taxes Has Advice For the Rest of Us!

Someone please pay attention to me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul David Hewson, stage name Bono, is disturbed by the election of Donald Trump and the direction America is taking.  I recently sat down with Mr. Hewson and allowed him to address his concerns.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hewson.

PDH: Please, call me Bono.

MI: No.

PDH: Do you like my sunglasses? They are edgy.

MI: No. You look like Hillary Clinton.

PDH: You know when Obama was president no one in America spoke to me like that. I think it’s symptomatic of the new meanness and  selfishness in America today. In the Western world, in our lifetime, there has never been a moment, until very recently, when fairness and equality was not improving. There were setbacks, but it was as if the world was on a trajectory toward fairness and justice and equality for all!

MI:  Okay.

PDH: But then Trump was elected. People’s innocence had died. And a generation that had grown up thinking that the human spirit had a natural evolution toward fairness and justice was learning this might not be the case. My attitude was, ‘OK, good. Now it is time we wake up and realize we can’t take any of this for granted.’ Big primates have been around a lot longer than democracy, and this dude who shall not be named – he is just a new manifestation of that big primate.

MI: Sixty three million people who voted for the “Big primate” as you call him might disagree with your statement.

PDH: Sixty three million American voted for him. Truly sad. Whatever happened to the great country, the compassionate country that used to be America. What happened to the great country that used to fund socialism around the world?

MI: We’re still here. Only now we’re not taking any of your shit.

PDH: You have a post-truth president leading a post-trust country! Listen to me America. I’m Bono! America courses through my veins.

MIDo you pay any taxes in America.

PDH: No of course not.

MI: Do you pay any taxes in Ireland?

PDH: No of course not. Tax rates were too high so we moved to the Netherlands where the tax structure is much more congenial.

MI: Congenial?

PDH: Yes, the taxes are lower and I get to keep more of my money. 

MI: You mean like the recent tax cuts in America that allow people to keep more of their own money?

PDH: [Pause]  Trump is a big primate.

MI:  Would you move back to Ireland if they cut their taxes?

PDH: Of course. In a second.

MI: So aren’t you justifying President Trump’s tax cuts?

PDH: [Pause] He’s a big primate. [Pause] Hey do you have a bathroom I could use?

MI: Right over there.

PDH:  Thanks.

[Paul David Hewson enters bathroom]

PDH: Thanks. I’ve been having these sudden urges to go all the time.  Stop. Start. Stop. Start. God my stream is so weak and dribbly. My doctor says my prostate is the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s stomach.

[Paul David Hewson leaves bathroom]

MI: Now where were we?

PDH: Trump’s demonizing of the press as “fake news” is post-truth!

MI: Where did you get that from?

PDH: CNN.

MI: Of course.

PDH: Excuse me I have to go to the bathroom again.

[Paul David Hewson enters the bathroom]

PDH:  These constant urges are very annoying. And nothing is coming out but dribbles!  Dammit I still haven’t found my strong steady steam. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to reach out and touch a normal-sized prostate, where the urine has no name.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

PDH: You see that’s why we need higher taxes. We need to fund research on reversing prostate growth with age.

MI: If only you still lived in Ireland you could pay the higher taxes to fund that.

[Pause]

PDH: You’re dangerous because you’re honest. Well you left my prostate enlarged like a vacant lot for any dribbling to haunt. Pay more taxes America!  Fund prostate shrinking research!

And so ended my interview with Paul David Hewson (stage name Bono.)

Oh, and one more thing Mr. Hewson:

(13)

0 Comments

A New Year’s Message From House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi

Greetings little people of America!

 

 

 

 

 

 

As 2018 approaches I have been asked to turn my blog over to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) who has a message for the American people.  Take it away Nancy.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

I’d like to address the American people directly and let them know everything the Democratic Party does for them.

With the 2018 midterms around the corner it is important that Americans not forget that the Democratic Party shares the same values as they do.

  • Americans like paying higher taxes. We like higher taxes (Did you think you were entitled to keep your money?  Ownership is theft!)
  • Americans like science. So do Democrats. After all it is the Democrats and not the Republicans who believe in the settled science of climate change. It is the Democrats and not the Republicans who recognize all 31 genders. Republicans only recognize two. Two genders! Where’s the science behind that?
  • Americans are a religious people and are flocking to the beliefs of the prophet Mohamed. Islam after all is the religion of peace. We Democrats find great comfort in religion. Why the modern Democratic party itself is a religious instrument through whom all good graces of the State overflow onto its citizens. The prophets of the ’60s gave the Democratic party its belief structure, which is pure and with no admixture of error. So you see Americans, your belief in a higher power is something we in the Democratic Party leadership have in common. Your only mistake is praying to Jesus instead of the Party, which as has been established, is divine. Since you are already a praying people it should be easy for you to direct your prayers to the Democrats, the one true source of good.
  • Americans are ashamed of their military. So are the Democrats. When we gain control of the house in 2018 we intend to rein in military spending and use the money that would have gone to the military for social safety net programs.
  • Americans are ashamed of their ingrained racism. That is why after we gain control of the House will will apologize to Japan for World War II. The Japanese, as a peoples of color, have legitimate historical grievances against the white man. The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was an expression of the Rage of Color. We urge Americans to take a Japanese person to lunch or plant a Japanese tree. This is the best way to remember those blown apart on the Arizona or those who died when their air pockets ran out on the overturned Oklahoma.
  • Americans are a generous people and love giving their money away. Redistributing it as it were. So does the Democratic Party. And when we gain control of the House in 2018 we will take more of your money. 
  • And finally, and most importantly, Americans are internationalists and will gladly subsume national interests if they conflict with the moral authority of the international community.

So you see people of America. You have nothing to fear from a permanent Democratic supermajority.

Thank you.

Nancy Pelosi

Um. Thank you Nancy. I’m sure your message will resonate with voters in 2018.

(57)

1 Comment

Charlie Brown Elopes with Teacher!

I am a sexual dynamo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Local resident Charlie Brown was missing from school today. So was his teacher. It turns out they had eloped together.

“This town is going to hell” said one distraught adult.

I mean what the hell is wrong with the parents? Is there something in the water? We got kids starting religions involving pumpkins. We got kids who think they’re Beethoven. We even have two child lesbians. And we have a dog who believes he’s a WWI flying ace. Come on. Am I the only one who thinks something is wrong? And now Charlie Brown, whose testicles haven’t even descended yet, is marrying his teacher. Are all the kids possessed? Is this the Village of the Damned?

Sources say that there have been rumors about Brown and his teacher for months.

“He used to come into my shop to buy bubble gum” said a local proprietor.

And we’d talk. Normal stuff. Then one day he mentioned he was in love with his teacher. How sweet I thought. An innocent boyhood crush. I figured it was because she was warm and maternal and reminded him of his mother. That’s when he called me an idiot and said “It’s all about her tits and ass.” To say I was taken aback is an understatement. I know kids nowadays are more knowledgeable about sex but the language! I blame MTV!

Brown also told a friend that he liked his teacher’s “sexy mouth.”

He said that it turned him on how his teacher’s voice sounded like a trombone and that every time she opened her mouth he felt like “rubbing one out.” Now I’m only ten but I’m pretty sure rubbing one out doesn’t involve erasing the chalkboard. I think. Though now that he mentioned it her trombone voice does get me excited. I think I’ll rub one out. I’ll ask my parents if I can do that.

Music stores are reporting a run on trombones.

“I can’t keep them stocked anymore” said one owner.

I got kids coming into my store every day asking me for the “sex sounding instrument.”  At first I thought they meant the guitar. But they told me they wanted trombones. I’ve never thought of a trombone as sexy. Then one kid told me the sound of a trombone makes him want to “rub one out.” I tell you I’ve been sober for five years but I may start drinking again. The kid also called me a weird nerd because I was wearing an argyle sweater. Well you know the younger generation. If you’re not wearing hoodies and listening to Chance the Rapper you’re useless.

************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

************************************************************************************************************************

The Army has announced that they intend to cordon off Charlie Brown’s hometown, remove the kids to a secure government facility to be studied, wipe the parents’ memories and burn the town to the ground.

“Trombone fever. Seen it before in the Congo. There’s no cure and it spreads like wildfire” said a general on the scene.

(12)

Spock Accused of Sexual Misconduct!

What the hell man? I never touched her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lieutenant commander Spock, Second Officer on the USS Enterprise was suspended from active duty after a “credible” claim of sexual misconduct was filed against him. If true the charges could end the career of the once-promising Vulcan officer. Even if proved not true it will be a permanent black mark on his record that could hold him back from further promotion.

The complaint was filed with Star Fleet HR offices in San Francisco by Enterprise Head Nurse, Christine Chapel.

I am woman hear me roar. I am strong! I am invincible!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m just a woman, subservient to Star Fleet’s patriarchal culture” said Chapel.

But sometimes a woman has to stand up to the male paradigm. And this was just such an occasion. During my posting on board the Enterprise I was subjected to a constant barrage of so-called locker room talk by my so-called superior male comrades. Captain Kirk makes my skin crawl. He’s always prancing around without a shirt

Once you’ve had green you never go back

 

 

 

 

 

 

talking to Doctor McCoy about the green women he’s slept with. I have to listen to it and bite my tongue. But it can weigh a poor girl down sometimes. That’s why when I met Spock I thought he was different. Those soulful eyes. He treated me with respect. Said it was logical to treat women as equals. After dealing with the boys being boys locker room culture of Star Fleet for so long is it any wonder I fell for the Vulcan?

Nurse Chapel soon took to visiting Spock’s quarters with Vulcan Plomeek soup.

He was going through the Pon Farr and I knew he was probably feeling lonely. We are two lonely souls. I thought we could bond over that. I did some research on what Vulcan’s like to eat so I made him some Plomeek soup and brought it to him. I’m a woman you know and sometimes a man just needs maternal female attention. At first he didn’t like that I brought him the soup but as I was leaving he said that I was beautiful. That’s all I wanted to hear! 

Sexually inappropriate activity

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I kept bringing him Plomeek soup. About 37 times by my reckoning. And we talked. About feelings. We unburdened our souls to each other. Well I did. He mainly talked about how Kirk was always walking around without a shirt and how it made him “illogically uncomfortable.”

But just as Chapel thought a relationship was starting the Pon Farr was over and Spock threw her to the curb.

He told me not to drop by anymore and to stop bringing “that horrible tasting Flomeek soup.” I don’t understand. I thought he loved it when I brought him soup!  How could I have been so wrong about Spock? He’s just like the others. He used me and then tossed me aside when he didn’t need me anymore. Now that I think about it every time I voluntarily brought Plomeek soup to him I felt the power imbalance. I was being used! And this woman will not stand for it! That’s why I’m accusing him of misconduct! Not just for me but for all the women in Star Fleet who may or may not have brought a male officer Plomeek soup when they were vulnerable.

As for Spock he denies any wrongdoing and calls the charges a “simple misunderstanding.”

“Christine Chapel is a dedicated and officious nurse who brought me Plomeek soup during a vulnerable period in my life. I apologize if I have offended her in any way” said the decorated Vulcan.

(8)

Giant Child Destroys Commuter Train! Hundreds Killed! Congress Calls for “Assault Child” Ban!

God’s wrath is upon us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A commuter train bringing in crowds to the city for the Post-Christmas sales was attacked by a giant child, which swept the train off the tracks and cruelly played with the occupants.

“It was horrible. Horrible!” said a terrorized survivor.

I was coming into the city to do some shopping when all of a sudden the train comes to a screeching halt. The engineer and conductors told us to move to the rear car. “It’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen” one said.  At first I thought maybe internationally renowned prop comic Carrot Top 

Do you want to see it? My act I mean

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

was on board doing his act. But then I looked out the window and saw it! They say there is no devil but he exists! He exists!

The “It” the traumatized survivor was talking about was a child, approximately 20 feet high, who was picking up the train cars one by one and shaking them until all the people fell out.

“She kept shaking and shaking the car” said another lucky survivor.

She was smiling like it was just a game to her. As I was falling to the ground I heard her say “Funny people fall out of train.” I felt for sure it was my time to die. Fortunately my fall was softened when I landed on an accountant carrying a copy of the U.S. tax code. I owe my life to those thousand plus pages!

After the freakishly huge child had emptied all the cars of the train she apparently became bored and wandered off shouting “Kitty!”  

When it was clear that the child was gone stunned survivors formed triage units to give blood and help the wounded.

From his office in Midtown Cardinal Timothy Dolan, head of the Archdiocese of New York stated that while the Church has no official position on the giant commuter train-destroying child he views it as a sign of God’s wrath.

These are the end times. The apocalypse is upon us. This giant child is clearly spoken of in Revelation. It is the beast. All people should go to confession now and ask for God’s forgiveness. You don’t want to go to Hell do you? While none of us has actually seen hell I can confidently predict that it’s worse than being stuck underground in the subway. During summer. In a car with no air conditioning. With your nose wedged firmly in the armpit of a smelly eastern European. Albanian probably.

The Junior Senator from New York State, Kirsten Gillibrand took advantage of the crisis to call for a ban on assault children.

Look at the footage we have of the child attacking the train. What is that in her hand? Is it a bump stock or something? People have to ask themselves why they need an assault child. It’s not for good I can tell you that much!

*************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

*************************************************************************************************************************

The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ has just been informed that the photo that leads off this story is not in fact a photo of a giant child attacking a commuter train but in actuality a painting to promote the holiday train show in New York City.

As a member of the consortium of mainstream media we strive to be accurate. Unless we can make stuff up.  And not get caught making it up. We were caught. I now expect to be hired by CNN.

(15)

Christmas Canceled as Santa’s Sleigh Collides with Flock of Migrating Canadian Geese

Ho ho ho…..what the hell! Geese!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tragedy struck today as Santa, out on a test run for Christmas, collided with a flock of Canadian geese over upstate New York. Santa, his sleigh and the reindeer were last seen plummeting to the Earth in a ball of fire.

“This is a sad day for us all at the North Pole” said a spokesman for Santa.

Santa loved his job. He loved bring toys to all the boys and girls in the world. Except Sweden. Last year when he was in Sweden a gang of Muslims tried to rape him. But I digress. Santa loved his job. That’s why he was out on a test run. He wanted to make sure the GPS on his sleigh was working properly. I apologize to all the boys and girls who will not be getting presents this year. We at the North Pole hope to recover from this tragedy and be back next year.

Officials at the National Transportation Safety Board have sent a team of investigators to the snowy wastes of upstate New York to locate Santa’s black box, which hopefully could provide clues to the tragedy. Specifically the NTSB wants to know the following:

  • Was Santa’s engine functioning properly?
  • Why did Rudolph’s red nose not see the geese before it was too late?
  • Why didn’t the other reindeer, who feed on Canadian geese, eat them before the birds flew into Santa’s jet engines?
  • Was Santa flying safely?
  • Why was Santa’s sleigh losing altitude at the time of the crash?

“While Santa was an experienced flyer who was certified on instruments, even an experienced flyer can make mistakes” according to an NTSB official.

He might have become become disoriented. So we want to rule out pilot error. Secondly his new sleigh was experimental, had many new controls he was not familiar with and might not have been fully compatible with his reindeer. This might have caused the sleigh to stall because his nose was higher than the tail. Just speculating here. But there are many things that could have gone wrong. That’s why we need the black box.

Finding the black box might be difficult, however.

We can hear it pinging but the exact location is not known to us. Have you ever been to upstate New York?  Damn thing’s probably buried under 20 feet of snow. I’m glad I’m not part of the recovery team. The last time I was in the vast, frozen expanses of upstate New York I lost a toe from frostbite. I did pick up some good office supplies at a Wegmans though so the trip wasn’t a complete waste.

While the black box has of yet not been located debris has been found including a red nose, several antlers, a hoof and what appears to be the front seat from Santa’s sleigh.

We also found a mostly intact human torso, a scalp and one ear. We don’t know who they belong to. Could be Santa’s. Or a as of yet unidentified upstate New York murder victim. You know how those upstate New Yorkers are. The cold drives them crazy.

While it is to late to hire a replacement officials at the North Pole promise to have one for next Christmas.

“Already we’ve gotten feelers from Matt Lauer and Pete Best. Both of them are looking for work.”

(20)

Island of Misfit Toys Bought by U.S. Navy; To be Used as Target Practice

Bombs away!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Island of Misfit Toys, home to toys unwanted by little boys and girls, has been purchased by the Navy.

“This is a good purchase for us” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The island is strategically located and the Navy needs a place for target practice. Puerto Rico won’t let us use Vieques anymore. Damn Puerto Ricans. But anyway we are going to bomb the hell out of this island and leave it a smoldering wreck. And there are no Puerto Ricans on the island to annoy us. Believe me we checked.

King Moonracer, erstwhile leader of the Island of Misfit Toys explains why he accepted the Navy’s offer.

“They gave me lots of money” said Moonracer (pictured here).

I’m tired. The hell with these toys

 

 

 

 

 

 

And King Moonracer could use an infusion of cash right now. I’m deep in dept. Kings don’t make much money. I don’t care what you’ve heard. Sure I get a stipend but I have a lot of overhead. I have to fly around the world and pick up all the misfit toys to bring here. And I have to arrange garbage pickup. I have to make sure the electrical grid is working and water flows. Infrastructure is a pain in the ass man. It’s 90 percent of my job. And the misfit toys?  They’re a pain the ass man too. You’d think they’d be happy to be here. I saved them from living in dumpsters. But no. All they do is whine and say they want a home with boys and girls. You’re misfit toys! No one wants you! Can’t you get that through your thick skulls?

Now freed from his responsibilities on The Island of Misfit Toys, King Moonracer plans on relocating to Santa Barbara, California.

I’m going to spend a lot of time on the beach, do some roller skating and maybe meet some hot southern California women. It’s going to be an easy life. I won’t have to worry about infrastructure and most importantly not a damn misfit toy in sight. It’s going to be paradise.

Dolly named Sue, the spokesman for the misfit toys still left on the island seemed pleased with the transfer of ownership.

“I love Navy men” said Dolly named Sue.

I love Navy men

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are so nice and whenever they are on the island they always buy me candy and nylons. And a girl needs nylons. None of us really liked King Moonracer. He was distant and didn’t build relationships with us. You know, like former Yankee manager Joe Girardi. But the Navy guys are always here measuring stuff. I asked them if they are measuring things to build and they said “No ma’am we are sighting the island so our bombs will reach their targets.” I have no idea what he meant by that. It’s probably not important.

As for the Navy, they begin bombing the island after the New Year.

“It should be a piece of cake, especially if there are no Puerto Ricans” said Spencer.

(12)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Al Franken Resignation Watch™ Part II

I like ’em big and bouncy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ spend our every waking moment hungover and vomiting searching for the truth. Which as we all know is out there. Somewhere. Probably not in Syracuse, New York though.

But for now the truth is that Al Franken has resigned. Okay he said he will resign. Probably. Sometime in the upcoming weeks. Maybe. Kind of. His successor has already been appointed. But Franken hangs out. He will resign. He said so. And if you can’t trust a United States senator to keep his word then what is this world coming to?

Anyway presented for your approval and edification are the following quotes about the Al Franken Resignation Watch™ crisis that is tearing apart our Republic.

The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted.  However Al Franken is a peculiar case. We can trust him. I’d make him king.  ~ James Madison

I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and cause me to tremble for safety of my country.  We need Al Franken in the Senate. ~ Abraham Lincoln

She hate me. Love Al Franken ~ Frankenstein’s monster

Don’t call me a monster. It triggers me. ~ Frankenstein’s monster

Seriously bitch. I’ll burn your castle down with you in it. ~ Frankenstein’s monster

Every full moon I turn into a wolf, just like Al Franken when he gropes women. ~ Larry Talbot

Get  the butter. No not that one. The other one. Yes that one. Al Franken used it you know. ~ Marlon Brando

I bought a snazzy new fedora today. Looks good on me. I wish someone would take a photo of me wearing it. But where? I need a place with lots of reporters and TV cameras so people will see my hat. Oh, and I’m closing my strip clubs today to protest the railroading of Al Franken. ~ Jack Ruby

The car that I was driving on an unlit road went off a narrow bridge which had no guard rails and was built on a left angle to the road. The car overturned in a deep pond and immediately filled with water. I remember thinking as the cold water rushed in around my head that I was for certain drowning. Then water entered my lungs and I actual felt the sensation of drowning. I remember thinking “I need to live so I can serve with Al Franken.” ~ Ted Kennedy

I made immediate and repeated efforts to save Mary Jo by diving into the strong and murky current, endangering myself. Remember I needed to live so I can serve with Al Franken in the senate. So I stopped. Mary Jo? If she wanted to get out she would have. She did have nice breasts. I bet my colleague Al Franken would have loved groping them. ~ Ted Kennedy

These events, the publicity, innuendo, and whispers which have surrounded them and my admission of guilt this morning raises the question in my mind of whether my standing among the people of my State has been so impaired that I should resign my seat in the United States Senate. I keep asking myself one question. What would Al Franken do? ~ Ted Kennedy

I buy all my cigars from Al Franken. ~ Bill Clinton

You could say I have Al Franken inside me. ~ Monica Lewinsky

I have – and always shall be – Al Franken’s friend.~ Spock

What an eclectic collection of quotes about the recently announced he will resign at some indeterminate date in the future senator Al Franken!

(5)

Santa Fined by EPA!

An example of an environmental crime

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After an almost year-long investigation Santa Claus has been found guilty of damaging the environment and fined an undisclosed amount by the Environmental Protection Agency.

“We found evidence that Santa encouraged people to hang stockings by the chimney with care” said an EPA official.

What sort of science-denying deplorable encourages people to use fireplaces?  Hasn’t Santa ever heard of global warming? We also received evidence that Santa was leaving coal in stockings of boys and girls who “were bad.”  Now this may be outside the purview of the EPA but what is good and what is bad? Does Santa have any right to judge the objective goodness of children? But we’ll pass that by for now. It was the coal that really got to us. He was leaving coal in stockings. Now coal is something we know is evil. The mining of coal leads to rape of our environment. The use of coal leads to pollution.  The distribution of coal leads to a younger generation using it when in fact we should be suppressing coal like we suppressed cigarettes and religion. The Constitution gives us the power to do this.

Santa denies doing anything to damage the environment and states that hanging stockings by the fire with care and leaving lumps of coal for bad boys and girls are worthwhile traditions that should continue.

“Why is the EPA after me?” said Santa.

It’s bad enough my corporate tax rate is too high and the elves have unionized but now I’m being fined? For what? Hanging stockings over the fire is a beautiful thing. Who doesn’t have an image in their heads of their childhood and seeing the warm glow of a fire and stockings that one could anticipate would be filled with toys, Assuming the kids were good that is. Sure I could ask families to hang their stockings somewhere else but it’s a question of aesthetics. And the EPA better lay off about the coal. The toys I hand out are not just gifts. They are rewards. Rewards for good behavior. I have a responsibility, the parents have a responsibility, society has a responsibility to develop good boys and girls who will be moral and follow rules. Anything else is chaos. Or Detroit. Granted chaos and Detroit or any Democratic-held inner city are pretty much the same thing. And if kids get coal hopefully it will make them reflect upon their behavior and strive to be better next year. Look I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but sometimes you have to discipline the little shits.

Despite Santa’s pleas the EPA insists its decision is the correct one.

Santa will just have to adjust. We live in a new world. A world where wind farms bring clean, renewable energy. Now no one is expecting Santa to start leaving wind farms in stockings but I’m sure he’ll figure something out.

And figuring something out is apparently just what Santa has done.

“I have to put something in the stockings of bad boys and girls. Something that will make them cry and fill them with a sense of shame. So I’m going to start leaving them a CD of Creed’s greatest hits. That should do the trick.”

(7)

Frosty the Snowman Announces He is Gender Fluid!

Gender is a fluid thing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frosty the Snowman, beloved anthropomorphic talking pile of snow with a corn cob pipe, button nose and two eyes made out of coal, announced today that he self-identifies as gender fluid and wishes to be known as “Frosty the Snow Z/She.”

“This is a difficult and complex world we live in” said the popular Snow Z/She.

We all have to travel the road of life alone with many of our questions unanswered. What is the meaning of life? Is there a god? Why do children love me so much when I never wear any pants? It was while I was pondering these questions that I discovered my conflicted sexuality. I have a man’s voice. Or Bea Arthur’s voice. The kids who follow me around treat me like a male authority figure, albeit one who is naked. But do I feel like a man? That is the question. And the truth is I don’t.

But while not identifying as a man Frosty did not identify as a woman either.

But I didn’t feel like a woman. I mean I had no penis but since when did having a penis define what it means to be a man? Many men have vaginas. Just ask any college kid. So I thought about it. That’s when I decided why settle on one gender? Why can’t I be both?  Or none? Or all 31 scientifically recognized genders? And what is gender but a bourgeois conceit? Yes I said it. The patriarchal paradigm is injuring our kids and forcing them into a binary male/female dynamic! We are restricting our children to a life in black and white! Little Billy is five years old and enjoys playing with GI Joes.  Well those are dolls. It’s a scream from within. He’s saying he wants to put on a dress. Why can’t we put him on hormone blockers so his testicles never drop?  Little Sally is a tomboy who likes wearing jeans and roughhousing. Can’t we have her experiment with wearing a strap on to see if she wants a biological penis? It’s a question of social justice!

Frosty’s new alt-left, Marxist sexual gender philosophy has left many scratching their heads.

“And to think we trusted him with our children” said one parent.

When my daughter first came to me and said “Daddy can I play with the talking snowman who doesn’t wear pants?” I said “Sure, why not.” If you can’t trust your preteen daughter with a pantless man who can you trust her with? But all this gender fluid crap just isn’t normal. I don’t want him around my child anymore!

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Beloved, pantless, gender-fluid snow Z/She Frosty has been murdered by enraged parents.

“They attacked him with hair dryers” said an eye witness.

“He melted right before me. His last words were ‘Somebody help me. I’m gender-fluid but that doesn’t mean I want to be liquid.’ “

(12)