Yankees Win Decisively on Opening Day!

“Opening day puts me in mind of the days when I was colluding with the Republicans to influence the election” ~ Vladimir Putin

Opening day in The Bronx

And so after a frustrating 2-4 road trip to begin the season the Yankees arrived in The Bronx for the home opener of the 2017 season. The Yankees started  Michael Pineda (1-1 3.97) and the Rays starter was Alex Cobb (1-1 3.46).

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the third. After Ronald Torreyes led off by grounding out Brett “Male Pattern Baldness” Gardner struck out but reached first on a passed ball. Jacoby “Worth every dollar of his contract – not” Ellsbury then doubled him home.  1-0 Yankees after three.

The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the fourth. After Starlin Castro struck out swinging and Chase Headley struck out looking, Aaron “Me Strong Like Bull” hit a home run to deep left.  2-0 Yankees after four.

In the Bottom of the seventh the Yankees got another run as Chase “Mr. Error”  Headley led off the inning and homered to right field.  3-0 Yankees after seven.

Pineda was masterful and had a perfect game for the first 6 2/3 innings before allowing a double to Evan “Loved ya in Desperate Housewives” Longoria.

In the top of the eighth Tampa scored what would be its only run when Logan Morrison homered off Pineda, who was then taken out to a standing ovation having allowed one run and two hits while striking out 11 over 7 2/3 innings. 3-1 Yankees after 7 1/2.

In the bottom of the eighth the Yankees batted around scoring five times and knocking Tampa’s starter out of the game. Brett Gardner led off, reached on an error and promptly stole second and third.  After Ellsbury flight out to right field Matt Holiday doubled him home. The next batter, Chris Carter tripled, scoring Holiday. Starlin Castro then homered. The Yankees got their last run of the inning when Torreyes grounded into a fielder’s choice, scoring Chase Headley. Yankees 8 Rays 1 after eight.

And that was the final score.

This was my third opening day and the first one I’ve been to where the Yankees won. And unlike last year when I was freezing in 35 degree temps this time it was sunny and in the 70s.  I was in the sun the entire time and got burned to a crisp. At one point I spontaneously combusted (as the Irish sometimes do when exposed to direct sunlight.) Fortunately those sitting next to me put me out by pouring their beers on me.

And now the big question: How will the Yankees do this year? One can’t get a feel for a team until Memorial Day but I’m not expecting much from this team. I’ll be happy with a .500 record. They have lots of good young talent but with the exception of Gary Sanchez (who is on the DL) haven’t had much success at the big league level yet. Aaron Judge has yet to prove he can hit major league pitching (except for home runs). Who knows. He may turn into the next Jay Buhner and I’ll be content with that.

Notes on the game:

As it is still Lent (Holy week no less) I was abstaining. No beer for me. And not hot dogs. The smell of the hot dogs and the beer permeated the Stadium, torturing me the entire time.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Yarma: Becoming mindful” didn’t impress the crowd. I guess there weren’t enough Linux administrators at the game.

Recommended reading material:

A Practical Guide to Ubuntu Linux by Mark G. Sobell.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “I need to mount a network drive on my Linux box. How do I do this?”

Simple. You have to edit the fstab file in the /etc directory. Use the editor of your choice but I recommend Nano.

C.H.E. from somewhere in alligator country, Florida, writes “Do the Yankees have alligator meat on their menu?  If so I might fly up to New York and attend a game.”

Sorry C.H.E no alligators on the menu. They do have crocodile however.

M.P.A of Maryland writes “It’s all about that bass.”

Um. What?

And so my record this year stands at 1-0.  My next game would have been Friday April 14th against the St. Louis Cardinals but that’s Good Friday. I can’t go to a baseball game on Good Friday. God will strike me dead. So my next game is Tuesday April 18th against the Chicago White Sox.

Go Yankees!

My scorecard from the game:

Turn page on tips on how to score!

Now please enjoy the opening lineup being announced. (Or download if it won’t play in your browser.)

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My Exclusive Interview with William Carlos Williams

Hey look I just write this shit. I don’t know what it means.

If there’s one thing Manhattan Infidel loves doing to relax it’s curling up with a good book. Or streaming lesbian porn. But mainly curling up with a good book. Whenever the internet’s down and I can’t stream lesbian porn.

With that in mind I have the pleasure of interviewing Patterson, New Jersey’s poet laureate, William Carlos Williams.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Williams.

WCW: It’s a pleasure to be here.

MI: So what have you been doing with yourself lately?

WCW: Not much. I’ve been dead for 54 years.

MI: That’s right. I forgot.

WCW: Tell me more about this streaming of lesbian porn. How does that work?

MI: We’ll talk about that later.  First I want to talk about your poetry.

WCW: Of course. I’m always willing to talk about my art.

MI: Good. I want to discuss one poem in particular.

WCW: Sure, which one?

MI: The Red Wheelbarrow. You’re most famous poem.  Let me quote it in full:  

so much depends

upon a red wheel barrow

glazed with rain water

beside the white chickens.

WCW: Yes. Yes. So much depends on that wheelbarrow.

[Pause]

MI:What the f*ck are you talking about?

[Pause]

WCW: Excuse me?

[Pause]

MI:What. The f*ck. Are you talking about?

WCW:  It’s a wheelbarrow.

[Pause]

WCW: And it’s red.

[Pause]

WCW: Glazed with rainwater beside chickens. White chickens.

[Pause]

MI: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WCW: Hey I just write the stuff. It’s up to you to interpret it.

[Pause]

MI:  Seriously?

WCW: Like I said I’m just a conduit. The interpretation is up to others.

MI: You don’t even know what it means, do you?

WCW: No. I have no idea what it means. Haven’t a clue. Now about this streaming of lesbian porn. I’m curious. In my day we had to watch it dark theaters wearing sunglasses to protect our identity.

MI: Yeah, yeah, we’ll discuss that later. So you have no idea what the red wheelbarrow means?

WCW: Look I don’t even remember writing it. I was probably pretty high at the time.

MI: It’s your most famous poem.

WCW: I know. Thank god I’m dead and don’t have to read it anymore.

MI:Well that’s about all the time we have.

WCW: Wait what about streaming lesbian porn?

MI: So much depends upon lesbian porn glazed with rain water besides white chickens.

WCW: F*ck you.

You know I never realized dead people could be so cantankerous. Oh, and if anyone has a clue what that stupid poem means drop me a line.

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Odysseus Targeted by Cyclops Lives Matter Protesters!

Odysseus has two eyed privilege!

Trojan war veteran Odysseus has come under fire for alleged anti-cyclops racism after blinding Polyphemus.

“Odysseus is a racist who has two-eyed privilege” said the leader of the Cyclops protests.

Yeah I know he’s a war veteran and I want to show respect but it’s no excuse for his unspeakable crime. He carved the end of a timber into a point and heated it until it was red hot. Then he pushed it into Polyphemus’ eye.  I mean what kind of monster would take out a person’s only eye? I’ve heard that people who go to war end up loving it so much they just get addicted to it. No matter what his reasons may have been he must be punished for what he did.

Odysseus claims that his actions were motivated by self-defense.

I was just trying to get home to my beloved wife, even though I doubt she’d recognize me when I get home but that’s another matter altogether. Anyway my ship washed up on the Cyclops island. This Polyphemus fellow grabs two of my crew, smashes their heads together and then eats them. He ate them right in front of me. I tell you are those the actions of a civilized person? It was then that I decided that I would have to resort to extreme measures to escape. I didn’t want any more men of mine to be killed. Well, except for the ones that have been killed already. That’s why I sharpened the spear and plunged it into his eye. So we could escape. I also told him my name was “nobody” so when he called my name the other cyclops would think he was looking for nobody.

The cyclops however are claiming that Odysseus killed Polyphemus while his hands were up and he was shouting “Don’t spear me!  Don’t spear me!” 

Odysseus, to further enrage the cyclops community, after blinding Polyphemus, and about to escape with his crew, taunted the now-blind cyclop, telling him that it wasn’t “Nobody” that blinded him and then gave his real name of Odysseus.

The Cyclops Lives Matter Movement has promised not to rest until Odysseus is brought to justice.

“Odysseus is guilty of two-eyed privilege” said the message on their web site.

Our people have always been oppressed by the two-eyed people. The authorities won’t even charge Odysseus with assault. If the situation had been reversed and one of our kind had taken out his eye you can bet we’d be arrested and thrown in jail. That’s the way it’s always been and our people are tired of it. No justice no peace! Cyclops lives matter! Bring Odysseus to justice!

Odysseus continues to maintain his actions were justified.

“Look I’m sorry about Polyphemus but I just want to get home to my wife. We have a big loom in my palace and she’s quite good at weaving. I wonder what she’s making now?”

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My Exclusive Interview with Representative Adam Schiff

RUSSIA!!!! ARE YOU RUSSIAN?????

With the possibility that Russia may have helped elect Donald Trump in the news I sat down with ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, the honorable Adam Schiff (D-CA).

MI: Good afternoon representative Schiff.

AS: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Now let’s talk about what everyone wants to know. Did the Russians get Donald Trump elected?

AS: Definitely.  How else could he have won?  The Russians wanted Trump elected.

MI: Why?

AS: Because Trump is a strongman and Putin likes strongmen.

MI: I see. But wouldn’t it make more sense for Putin to favor Clinton since she was an internationalist who would go along with the established order? As opposed to Trump who vowed to put America first?

[Pause]

AS: What sort of question is that?  Are you one of those fake news people?

MI: It’s a legitimate question.

AS: I don’t think it is. I think you are trying to distract the American people from the fact that Putin stole this election.

MI: How?   

AS: He had Russian operatives hack into voting machines and change votes to Trump.

MI:  But the voting machines aren’t on a network or connected to the internet. How did the Russians accomplish this?

[Pause]

AS: There you go again. Trying to distract the American people!

MI: No. I just want the facts. Hey, do you mind if I eat?  I haven’t eaten all day.

AS: Go ahead.

MI: Thanks. You know there is nothing quite like a salad.

AS: What is that you are putting on your salad?

MI: Russian dressing.

AS: Russian?  Russian? Russian dressing? Russian dressing? You’re working for Putin aren’t you? Don’t deny it. Oh you think you’re so clever. But I’m on to you.

MI: It’s Russian dressing. That’s all it is.

AS: Manhattan Infidel?  Manhattan? Manhattan as in one of the five boroughs of New York City?

MI: Yes, that’s correct.

AS: Do you know what else they have in New York City? 

MI: No. What?

AS: The Russian Tea Room! The goddamn Russian Tea Room! The motherf*cking Russian Tea Room. It all ties together. All the pieces. You are a Russian spy!

MI: Um. No I’m not.

AS: Donald Trump lives in New York City. Or should I say Moscow on the Hudson? I bet you and Trump often meet at the Russian Tea Room!

MI: I’ve never met the man.

AS: You lying sack of shit. You’re a Russian agent trying to subvert our Democratic majority.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

AS: Oh, going back to the Russian Tea Room?  Perhaps to have caviar with Donald Trump where you can talk in your native Russian language?

MI: Right. Bye.

AS: Come back Manhattan Infidel! I’m on to you!  I’m on to you!

Let me reassure my readers. I am not a Russian agent. However I do work for the Chinese. The pay was better and I like Asian women.

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Yosemite Sam Killed in Shootout with ATF!

This gun nut has been shot dead!

Yosemite Sam, known locally as “that darn rootinest tootinest hombre this side of the Pecos” was shot dead by agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms who were attempting to issue a warrant to search Sam’s premises for an alleged stockpile of weapons.

“Yosemite was a well-known gun nut” said ATF deputy director Thomas E. Brandon.

We had reports that he had a stockpile of guns in his domicile. While this is not in and of itself illegal we were worried about what these guns represented. And that was his dissatisfaction and distaste for morality as symbolized by the Federal government. The Federal government cannot abide with people who do not comply with its humane measures. Yosemite Sam did not comply and he was taken out.

Suspicions were first aroused regarding Yosemite Sam when a local politician visited his place and asked if she could view his guns to ascertain if they were safely locked and stored. Yosemite refused and called the councilwoman a “shark-livered varmint” and “shovel-nosed mackerel.

Naturally Sam’s disrespect for an agent of the state did not go unnoticed.

“While Yosemite Sam was technically within his rights to refuse a search without a warrant, a moral person would have complied” said the agent in charge of the local ATF office.

We decided it was high time we showed Yosemite the power and might of the government. No one disrespects the Federal government. We don’t care if you hide behind the Constitution. So we planned a raid on his compound.  We got 20 agents and armed them with high powered rifle and flamethrowers. We also borrowed a few tanks from the military.

However Yosemite Sam got wind of the raid and barricaded himself inside his compound.  As the standoff dragged into its sixth week it was decided that aggressive action was necessary.

With their borrowed tanks leading the way the compound was entered.  Yosemite, like all gun nuts a coward at heart and fearing the might of the Federal government, attempted to flee on a horse.

Fortunately for the ATF, Yosemite Sam was not a skilled horseman.

We could see that he was in distress. He kept saying “Whoa! I say whoa horsey! When I say whoa I mean WHOA!”  This gave our snipers an opportunity to shoot him.  We had all 20 of our agents open fire at once.  Yosemite was cut down in the fusillade.  I mean literally cut down. I’ve never seen a man cut in two by bullet fire but it happened. We kept firing for over a half hour. I tell you there wasn’t much pulpy tissue left on his body. Just some bones. The most interesting thing is when we found his arms both his middle fingers were still extended. Naturally we had to cut the fingers off before civilians saw it. We don’t need any rallying cry for fellow anti-government pro-gun fanatics. Then we set his compound on fire. And shot his dog.

Once the fire was put out, agents were quick to proclaim victory and hand Yosemite Sam’s relatives the bill for the cleanup of the compound.

“A dangerous anti-government fanatic has been killed and peace has been restored” said an agent on the scene.

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Malibu Declares Itself a Sanctuary City, Allowing Residents to Feel Good About Themselves

We feel good about ourselves!

At the behest of well-to-do actor Martin Sheen, the well-to-do beachfront town of Malibu, California which is 91 percent white and has a median income of $120,000 declared itself a sanctuary city.

“This is important and we feel it was the only thing we could do in the face of white racism” said a white councilman.

We in Malibu care about three things: global warming, fighting the white man and providing social justice for our oppressed brown brothers. All of us in Malibu feel very strongly about protecting brown peoples, no matter where they come from. As long as it’s not Guatemala since Guatemalans make bad maids. So we had no choice really. We had to declare ourselves a sanctuary city. So now all brown peoples from wherever, excepting Guatemala and every other central American country, because gangs you know, are free to hide out in our great city without fear of deportation.

“My entire administration is about social justice” said Malibu’s mayor Lou La Monte.

Social justice and ensuring that the millionaires who live along the coastal strip have access to good, Hispanic maids. That’s why we banned Guatemalans years ago because they can’t clean for shit. But all other brown people are welcome in our inclusive, welcoming city. As long as they’re not from central America. Gangs you know. But the other brown people are more than welcome in our welcoming community of welcoming togetherness. I guess that leaves just Mexicans. But Mexicans are great. The women really know how to clean and the men ride the bicycles that deliver our Chinese takeout.

To commemorate Malibu’s status as a welcoming, inclusive sanctuary city, its City Council published the following guidelines for all brown people to follow:

  • Welcome brown peoples! Malibu is a sanctuary city and you will not be deported
  • Unless you are from Guatemala or the rest of central America (gangs you know)
  • Please make a good faith effort to deliver our Chinese takeout within 20 minutes of our order
  • Please stay off the beach. Many of our residents like their pristine ocean beachfront property and do not like seeing brown people cluttering up the view
  • No rapo el womeno! Comprende?
  • Yellow people are not welcome in Malibu (unless they own a Chinese restaurant).  If we see you in our city and find out you don’t own a restaurant we will deport you.  Look I know we said we were a sanctuary city but you Chinese threaten us. Your children do better in school while ours go off to college still at an 8th grade reading level
  • But other than that…..Welcome to our inclusive, welcoming city! America is a nation of immigrants but hopefully not immigrants from central America (gangs you know)

The reaction to Malibu’s sanctuary status has been positive among its Hispanic residents.

“Sanctuary is good” said one Hispanic delivery boy.

“I just wish they wouldn’t yell at me when I can’t bring their takeout to them within 20 minutes. And they should tip better. I have a wife and children to feed.”

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Bing Crosby Questioned on Suspicion of Trafficking in Moonbeams!

This man is a drug pusher!

Popular singer Bing Crosby was taken into custody today by the LAPD and questioned for several hours over reports that he was offering moonbeams to high school students.

“We’ve had our eye on Mr. Crosby for awhile now” said a detective.

Parents have been bombarding us with complaints that Crosby has been hanging around schools. When he sees a kid alone he approaches and asks them if they would like to “swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar?”  Naturally our suspicions were aroused. I mean it’s bad enough that kids nowadays have few positive role models but here comes Crosby tempting our children. Who knows how many children he’s corrupted with his moonbeams?  But we had to let him go. We had no solid evidence against him. This time. Though we are beefing up security around all schools.

One student, who shall remain anonymous to protect his identity, relates an encounter with Crosby.

I was walking home and a car pulls up along side me. The window rolls down and I see a man smoking a pipe lean his head out. He then asked me if I would like to “swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar? And be better off than you are? Or would you rather be a mule?” I didn’t know what to say? Naturally I would like to be better than I am. Self-improvement is a thing to strive for. But swinging on a star and carrying moonbeams home in a jar? My mother warned me against things like that. So I said I wasn’t interested. That’s when he told me that unless I tried moonbeams I would be fated to be a mule, which he said was an animal with long funny ears that kicks up at everything he hears and that while his back may be brawny his brain is weak and he’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak. I then dropped my books and ran away. I was scared!

According to the LAPD, this young man did the right thing.

He had no other choice but to run away. These pushers will stop at nothing. I’m just surprised that Crosby didn’t get out of the car and follow the kid. I mean swinging on a star? What the hell does that mean? Is it code for some sort of sexual activity? I wouldn’t doubt it with these Hollywood types. They are all a little funny if you ask me. And while we as of yet do not know what type of drug moonbeams are, we believe it is slang for LSD. And LSD is a dangerous drug. Almost as dangerous as tobacco. Crosby smokes a pipe so we know he’s immoral.

In the meantime as the LAPD keeps tabs on Crosby, the Mule Liberation Army (MLA) has issued a “Mule fatwa” on the singer.

“Our brains aren’t that weak” said a MLA commander.

“And we are not plain stupid with a stubborn streak. We will not stand by and let Crosby defame our species!’

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Wonder Woman Crashes Invisible Jet; NTSB Searches for Black Box!

Dead!

Tragedy struck the superhero world today as Wonder Woman died in a crash of her invisible jet.

“I was out mowing my lawn” said a man who witnessed the crash.

And then I heard what sounded like an airplane engine. Then poof!  My neighbor’s house goes up in flames. I figure either Wonder Woman has crashed her invisible jet again or my neighbor was using a Samsung. Either way I barely escape the flames. F*cking Samsung. F*cking Wonder Woman. It’s getting to the point where an ordinary, tax-paying citizen can’t even mow his lawn. Yeah, I pay my taxes. Is that something these superhero elite do? 

This would mark Wonder Woman’s fourth crash of an invisible jet.

In truth the Federal Aviation Commission had long been concerned not only with the experimental technology of Wonder Woman’s invisible jet but with her flight skills.

“We had reservations about Wonder Woman” said FAA administrator Michael Huerta.

This invisible plane not only was using experimental invisible technology but it was a safety hazard in the skies. Being invisible to the eye and to radar no other planes could see it. We were worried about the possibility of a collision. It all depended on Wonder Woman’s piloting skills. And let me just say she was no Sully Sullenberger. She had no credentials. Never was in a simulator. She didn’t seem to care about flight safety or improving her skills. When we brought this up she dismiss us and say, “Relax boys. I fight for justice.”  When I complained to the President she told him I was being patriarchal and couldn’t handle a strong woman.

Meanwhile the National Transportation Safety Board was dispatched to the scene of the crash.

“Well first off we had to ascertain if it was indeed another crash of the f*cking invisible jet” said NTSB chairman Christopher Hart.

It was getting to the point where we had people on standby just for “Wonder Woman incidents” as we called them. It might have been a Samsung we didn’t know. But then one of our agents found a belt that could only be hers.

So ugly only a Chinese communist would wear it!

I mean no one else would wear something so ugly.. Unless it’s the Chinese communists that is. And we found a clavicle. It’s being tested for DNA now but we’re pretty sure it’s hers.

Chairman Hart is also concerned about the safety of his officers.

Jagged wreckage. Jagged invisible wreckage. Try wrapping your mind around that. That’s the shit my agents have to deal with. It’s dangerous. You know what? I hope that clavicle did belong to Wonder Woman. If she’s dead then my officers won’t have to worry about lacerations anymore. So screw her. Yeah, I’m not sorry she’s dead. And don’t give me any of that patriarchy can’t handle a strong woman crap. The bitch was a menace to the skies.

The reaction to Wonder Woman’s death was swift with the Justice League lowering their flags to half staff outside their Manhattan offices.

“She was the heart and soul of the team. I took inspiration from her courage and humanity” said a weeping Aquaman.

“Aquaman is such a wimp” countered Superman.

“All I care about is with her dead where am I going to get my p*ssy?”

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Batman to Redesign Bat Suit After Gastrointestinal Accident!

This suit was not designed for those with irritable bowel syndrome

The famous caped crusader of Gotham City has announced that he will be taking a brief leave of absence from all crime fighting while he works on “some logistical crap” involving his bat suit.

“It’s a great bat suit” said Batman.

I mean Alfred really designed a good one.  It protects me from the bad guys and I look bitchin’ in it. Really. The ladies can’t resist a little Batman action when they see me sporting my suit. But it has certain practical problems.

Batman is referring to the fact that it often takes him a half hour or more to get in and out of his bat suit.

It’s all in one piece and the zipper isn’t conveniently located. So I often have Robin help me get into costume. He doesn’t mind. If anything he enjoys it a bit too much. But anyway the suit is difficult. And sometimes when the two of us are in Gotham waiting for a crime to happen we stop off at a fast food joint. I like to chow down on burgers, chicken wings, stuff like that. Plus a few big gulps. Well you can imagine what is going to happen to your body some time after all that.

It was after one incident in particular that Batman decided that a change was necessary.

Me and Robin, sorry, Robin and I, he always insists I use proper grammar, were chasing down a bad guy when I had to evacuate my bowels. I mean really evacuate. I have irritable bowel syndrome you see. So I had to stop and let the bad guy get away. The two of us found an alley and he was helping me out of my suit when I let loose. Let’s just say we didn’t get the suit off in time. I had to spend the rest of the day stewing in my own waste. Not fun.

Batman and Alfred have been hunkered down in the Batcave looking into alternative designs for his suit.

We considered double knit. It’s breathable. Easy to get into and take off. And most importantly tight. Very, very tight. For the chicks you know. But it didn’t offer enough protection in the field from the bad guys. So then we went really retro and I had Alfred design a suit of armor. Now that had advantages. It provided decent protection. But try driving a car in chain mail. The chain mail kept getting wrapped around the pedal. I almost crashed the bat mobile a couple times. My insurance rates are high enough as it is. So as it stands now there is no replacement bat suit. I’ve thought of fighting crime in a suit and tie and horn rimmed glasses. I mean it works for Superman. But apparently the bastard has the look copyrighted.

In the meantime while Batman gets his suit redesigned Robin will be fighting crime alone.

“I have total confidence in Robin” said Batman.

“Okay, that’s not true. He’ll probably end up getting killed. Stupid bitch. But hey, it means I can finally ask Cat Woman to move in with me.” 

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Orgasm Equality with Gwyneth Paltrow!

ORGASM EQUALITY NOW!

Regular readers of Manhattan Infidel will know that Gwyneth Paltrow has graced our pages before. In fact she is one of our favorite targets. I mean subjects. Because Manhattan Infidel does not make things up. We are all about the facts.

And in keeping with our devotion to the facts here is our latest interview with the incredibly close to the common woman Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Paltrow. It’s a pleasure to have you back gracing my blog.

GP: I fill the entire world with grace. That’s what I do.

MI: Right. Anyway what would you like to talk about? Hollywood?  Your acting career?

GP: Orgasm equality.

MI: Orgasm…..equality?

GP: There is an orgasm gap in the world that threatens our very existence.

MI: Threatens…..our….

GP: Yes. This orgasm gap continues with 91 percent of adult men but only 64 percent of adult women climaxing in their last sexual encounter. This is a human rights issue.

MI: Human…rights?  Okay but let’s talk about – 

GP: Don’t change the subject. I’m here as a prophet of orgasm equality. Did you last partner achieve orgasm?

MI: Well she’s a robot I bought in Japan so I don’t really care.

GP: You should. Robots have feelings. It’s science.

MI: Right.

GP: But back to orgasm inequality.  Manhattan Infidel I want you to look at my genitalia.

[Gwyneth Paltrow raises her skirt and spreads her legs, revealing her genitalia]

MI: Okay sure.

GP: Look closely at my female organs. They are normal aren’t they?

MI: Yes. Quite normal.

GP: Then why am I not climaxing more often?  I have a theory.

MI: Which is?

GP: The penis was not designed to please women.

MI: Um.

GP: Manhattan Infidel, please stand up and remove your pants.

MI: Okay.

[Manhattan Infidel stands up and removed his pants and underwear]

GP: I have designed a machine that will attach itself to the penis –

[She slaps it on Manhattan Infidel’s penis]

GP:–  and stretch the penis into a shape designed to please women. I call it the Vibrating Stretching Shredder Machine.

MI: What the hell. Is this safe?

GP: Totally. Now you will experience a vibrating, shredding sensation.

MI: I feel dizzy.

GP: Then lie down.

[Manhattan Infidel lies down]

GP: Now bring me to orgasm.

MI: I can’t stand up. I’m vibrating too much.

GP: Then I shall get on top of you.

[She gets on top of Manhattan Infidel]

MI: What the hell is happening?  

GP: Your penis is being stretched and reshaped.

MI: What?  I like my penis just the way it is.

GP: Well that’s because you represent the patriarchy. Now bring me to orgasm! YES! YES! I AM CLIMAXING!  I AM CLIMAXING! ORGASM EQUALITY!

[She climbs off Manhattan Infidel]

GP: You see. My vibrating, stretching device will bring women to orgasm every time.

MI: I feel weak.

GP: You’re losing a lot of blood.

MI: Oh god.

GP: This is just a prototype. The lab didn’t warn me about the blood loss. Here, I have some tissues in my purse.

[She hands Manhattan Infidel some tissues to mop up the blood]

GP: Bye. And thank you for doing your part to bring about orgasm equality.

[She leaves]

MI: This….this isn’t helping stop the blood loss. I think I’m losing consciousness.

[Manhattan Infidel passes out]

You know I don’t care how much my readers like Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m never inviting her back.

(7)