The United States has besmirched the good name of the Banana Republic!

The banana republics of Central America today sued the United States stating that the U.S., by claiming banana republic status, is threatening their livelihoods.

“This isn’t fair” said Venezuelan president Nicolas Madero.

I’ve worked my entire life trying to turn Venezuela into a shithole.  Now Biden comes along and turns the U.S. into one. They are bigger than us.  Who will want to do business with a small banana republic when they have the United States and their 300 million people.  Who can compete with that?  I feel like a small business owner going up against Amazon!

“This just sucks” chimed in Nicaraguan president Daniel Ortega.

I had a good thing going here.  Supreme power.  Economic dominance.  Money up the wazoo.  Then Biden goes and raids the opposition leader Trump’s home. That’s not even something I would think of doing. He’s playing with fire that Biden is. If he doesn’t tone down his banana republicanism I might be forced to kill some more American tourists. Not that I’ve ever killed American tourists.  Not officially anyway.

“What hell is the point of power” declared El Salvador president Nayib Bukele.

What the hell is the point of endless civil war and civilian massacres? We didn’t assassinate Archbishop Romero only to have the United States steal our thunder!  This is unfair and my fellow Central American Presidents and myself are suing America to cease and desist from further banana republic behavior. We are a tiny nation of only seven million people.  The United States has 300 million.  How can we compete?  They have the glamor. They have the Kardashians.  We have none of that.  All we have is football. Not football Americano.  Real football.  You know, where people kick a ball around and then fall on the ground screaming in pain if someone touches them.

Speaking on behalf of his father, President Biden, Hunter Biden

I Likes hookers and blow

reassured the Central Americans that the U.S. has no intention of competing with them for banana republic status.

“We like Central America” said Biden.

I get some of my best blow from them.  And the hookers?  Muy fantastico!  You know what I like most about Central American prostitutes?  None of them are Asian.  I don’t like yellow. So you see they have nothing to worry about.  We aren’t claiming banana republic status.  All we want is to enrich ourselves and our crony capitalist friends through foreign business contacts.  And we also want to crush the opposition party. We have the man Trump. Now we just have to find the crime. So you see.  Totally not a banana republic.

From the White House President Biden brilliantly downplayed the controversy by struggling to put on his jacket.

(28)

We will fight Trump in the air. We will fight Trump on the land. We will fight Trump on the sea!

Safely Fighting Trump from his office
Fearless Garland will indict and raid
Garland means just what they says
This brave man Garland of the Justice Department

He’s a Democrat that’s all we know
He’s a man, America’s best
One hundred Republicans he’ll indict today
But only Trump shall he do raid

Trained to protect the Deep State
Trained to fight Trump raid to raid
Garland fights by night and day
Courage deep, from the Democrats of the Deep State

He will appear on CNN
He’s a man, the Democrat’s best
One hundred Republicans he’ll indict today
But only Melania’s wardrobe shall he do wear

Back at MSNBC a young anchor waits
Trump at last has met his fate
He has been raided to protect the Deep State
Leaving Garland this request

I’ll indict Trump for having classified documents
Or failing that indict because there’s a higher Democratic Party truth
Garland will be the man they’ll test one day
Have him raid Trump for the Democrats

Fighting Trump from the sky
Fearless FBI who raid and plunder
Men who mean to protect their civil service position
The brave men of the FBI

FBI badges on their chests
These are men, America’s best
One hundred FBI agents shall be sent by Garland
But only Trump shall they do raid

Give Merrick Garland a Medal of Freedom
Make him the MSM’s hero
He’ll be the man to take down Trump
While wearing Melania’s clothes

(14)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

And now after a week of enlightening my readers about the most important proposal in the history of Congress I finish with Part V. May the Green New Deal be as widely read as the Bible, the Koran and Harry Potter books combined!

vi.  ensuring that public lands, waters, and oceans are protected and that eminent domain is not abused; And by this I mean all land, water and oceans. We shall nationalize everything so we can control it. Even the ocean shall be nationalized. And we shall make sure that no nasty fossil fuel using boats cross our nationalized oceans. Instead we shall build a high speed rail system across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

vii. We shall ensure that our most important roads, the Hershey Highway and Fudgepacker Boulevard, are protected from pollution. I have no idea where the Hershey Highway or Fudgepacker Boulevard are. I’m assuming Pennsylvania. Chuck Schumer said he wants to personally show me these two very important roads. He said I’d enjoy it.

viii.  removing greenhouse gases (eventually gases from houses of every color) from the atmosphere and reducing pollution, including by restoring natural ecosystems (we might have to move people from the cities to collective farms in rural areas) through proven low-tech solutions that increase soil carbon storage, such as preservation and afforestation.  In short all our cities and suburbs shall be depopulated and the people who formerly lived in them will be redistributed (such is the glory of socialism) to rural areas in the United States.  Those who formerly lived in populated areas shall learn the glory of working with their hands. Sixteen hours a day. While bending over. Pulling fruits and vegetables out of the ground.

ix. Banning all electronic devices including so-called smart phones since smart phones pollute our environment. Chuck Schumer is mad about this and said he needs his cell phone to send me dick photos. I assume me means Dick Smothers. I saw the Smothers Brothers once.  Well not in person. They are old. But their old TV show.

x.  Chuck Schumer just told me that by dick photos he meant a photo of his penis. He says helping protect the environment gives him a woody and he wants to show it to me.

xi.  I mean I’m fine with that. I’ve seen penises before. Most of them look the same except for this one guy I knew in college who had an accident with a weed wacker. Funny story actually. It looks like a shredded flag. He said it still worked he just needed some duct tape and whiskey.

xii. What that story has to do with protecting our environment I don’t know. But weed wackers do use some sort of internal combustion engine so they shall be banned.

xiii. Chuck Schumer just face timed me on his smart phone. He had his pants at his ankles and he was playing with his penis. I should not stand for this type of behavior and if he were a Republican I’d object but he’s a Democrat and I guess saving the environment really does get him excited!

And there you have it. The entire text of the much vaunted Green New Deal. May protecting the environment make us all as excited as Chuck Schumer!

(157)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (aka “The Gift That Keeps on Giving“) has gifted us with her Green New Deal. As a responsible journalist it is now my duty to present the complete text to my readers for them read at their leisure (or use as toilet paper.)

1. cleaning up existing hazardous waste and abandoned sites to promote economic development and sustainability.  Note:  These existing hazardous waste and abandoned sites do not include our inner cities, most of which are controlled by the Democratic Socialists of America. I mean I never visit them. Too much gun violence.  But Chuck Schumer said I shouldn’t talk about that. This was just before he took his penis out and asked me to touch it.
2. ensuring the use of democratic and participatory processes that are inclusive of and led by frontline and vulnerable communities and workers to plan, implement, and administer the Green New Deal mobilization at the local level; those that refuse to work with us shall be sent to re-indoctrination camps where they shall work for work shall set them free. And yes by those refusing to work with us I mean Republicans and by re-indoctrination camps I mean prisons. But our re-indoctrination camps shall not use coal when putting people in ovens because coal is a pollutant. Only wind power for our camps!
3. making public investments in the research and development of new clean and renewable energy technologies and industries; By this I mean wind power, horses (as long as they don’t fart) and buggies. And don’t rule out walking.  We in the government shall continue to use airplanes and internal combustion engines but only for convenience sake.
4. directing investments to spur economic development, by that I mean nationalizing all the banks, deepen and diversify industry in local and regional economies, by that I mean wind power and walking and build wealth and community ownership and by that I mean socialism like they have in Venezuela – it works, it really works, while prioritizing high-quality job creation and economic, social, and environmental benefits in frontline and vulnerable communities that may otherwise struggle with the transition away from greenhouse gas intensive industries and by that I mean killing those who insist on using internal combustion engines.
5. a Green New Deal must be developed through transparent and inclusive consultation and by that I mean having the masses do what we the experts tell them, collaboration, and partnership with frontline and vulnerable communities, labor unions, worker cooperatives, civil society groups, academia, and businesses; Chuck Schumer told me to put that part in about academia. He’s really smart. Does anybody know what “polishing a knob” means?  He keeps asking me to do it.  He said most people call it a blow job. Is he talking about wind power?

Tomorrow:  Part V. (That’s part five for the uneducated who cling to guns, religion and fossil fuels)

(106)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As promised now for Part III. It’s like Godfather Part III but without Coppola’s daughter stinking everything up.

Whereas climate change, pollution, environmental destruction and gun violence in inner cities ruled by Democrats that I shouldn’t mention have exacerbated systemic racial, regional, social, environmental, and economic injustices by disproportionately affecting indigenous communities, communities of color, migrant communities, deindustrialized (socialist) communities, depopulated rural communities, the poor, low-income workers, women, the elderly, the unhoused, people with disabilities, youth and the occasional Klingon who is too proud to beg;

Whereas, climate change constitutes a direct threat to the national security of the United States—

1. by impacting the economic, environmental, and social stability of countries and communities around the world, granted not as much as all the drone strikes but those drone strikes were ordered by Obama and he’s a Nobel Peace Prize winner so that means it’s okay; and
2. by acting as a threat multiplier; That’s a phrase Chuck Schumer asked me to use as he was putting his hands under my blouse. I didn’t want to put it in.  Threat multiplier? Sounds like the white man’s toxic masculine math!

Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That it is the sense of the House of Representatives that—

1. Actually I don’t know what the sense of the House is. Sometimes I sense that they want to beat Nancy Pelosi and dump her body in the woods. Other times I sense they all want to put their hands under my blouse. I’ll let the Democrats do it. But no Republicans!  I have pride you know!
2. the goals described iabove (referred to in this resolution as the ‘‘Green New Deal goals or shit that will never happen lets be honest but MSNBC likes it and always has me on”) should be accomplished through a 10-year national mobilization (referred to in this resolution as the ‘‘Definitely not a five year plan like the communists used to have because this is a ten year plan’’) that will require the following goals and projects—

a. upgrading all existing buildings in the United States and building new buildings with new stuff that is new that will make the new building very new and stuff to achieve maximal energy efficiency, water efficiency, safety, affordability, comfort, and durability.  I think it would be neat if these new building could fly too.

b.  working collaboratively with farmers (but unlike in the Soviet Union and China we will let the farmers live and have more than one child but only if they meet productivity levels and their children do not fart)  to eliminate pollution from methane farts and greenhouse gas emissions

c. overhauling transportation systems in the United States to eliminate pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from the transportation sector by eliminating cars and I know that means Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light will not be understood by future generations through investment in—
(i) zero-emission vehicle infrastructure and manufacturing (By that I mean horses who will have their anuses plugged so they can’t fart. Hey, we should do that with the cows too!)
(ii) high speed rail that shall eliminate the need for planes. This high speed rail shall be built over oceans as well so that the indigenous peoples of Hawaii can visit

d.  removing greenhouse gases from the atmosphere. Note:  In the short term we may have to eliminate the atmosphere as well but that’s okay since carbon dioxide causes almost as much global warming as farting cows.

Tomorrow:  Part IV.

(105)

You did not choose my green new deal I chose you

As promised, and Manhattan Infidel is a man who keeps his promises as long as it doesn’t involve lending money or anything that has to do with Wink Martindale, here is part two of my continuing series into the brilliant Green New Deal.

4. global temperatures must be kept below 1.5 degrees Celsius above preindustrialized (socialized) levels to avoid the most severe impacts of a changing climate, which will require—

1. global reductions in greenhouse gas emissions from human sources of 40 to 60 percent from 2010 levels by 2030; Other houses not painted green will be exempt for now.
2. net-zero emissions by 2050; We will set this at net zero instead of zero since we do not believe we will be able to get rid of all the farting cows.  All Americans are encouraged to punch a cow in the face if you believe it may be about to fart. I wonder if we could make a deal with Central America. We’ll send them caravans of farting cows in exchange for their caravans of Latinos. (Hispanics however will not be welcome.)

Whereas, because the United States has historically been responsible for a disproportionate amount of greenhouse gas emission second only to Ireland which I hear has a lot of green houses and the Irish drink a lot which leads to gas, having emitted 20 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions through 2014, and has a high technological capacity (for now but soon to change thanks to socialism), the United States must take a leading role in reducing emissions through economic transformation to a preindustrial socialist country.

Whereas the United States is currently experiencing several related crises, with—

1. life expectancy declining due to cruel capitalism and gun violence in inner cities controlled by Democrats but maybe we shouldn’t mention the gun violence in inner cities controlled by us, while basic needs, such as clean air, clean water, healthy food, and adequate health care, housing, transportation, and education, are inaccessible to a significant portion of the United States population;
2. a 4-decade trend of economic stagnation caused by Democratic policies (um, as with gun violence in inner cities perhaps we shouldn’t mention that)
3. inadequate resources for public sector workers to confront the challenges of climate change at local, State, and Federal levels; I don’t know specifically what those inadequate resources may be but I suggest making everyone in the United States a federal employee. That way we will access to adequate resources. At least that’s what Chuck Schumer said when he leered at me and put his hand on my thigh. I didn’t mind though. He’s a Democrat and when they grope me it’s for the greater common good. Democrats are like that you know. Just wish he didn’t give me syphilis.
4. a large racial wealth divide amounting to a difference of 20 times more wealth between the average White family and the average Black family; Note:  The average black family shall be defined as one woman, seven children who have never met their fathers and one grandmother who has to raise the children after the mother overdoses.
5. a gender earnings gap that results in women earning approximately 80 percent as much as men. Then again men are worth more. We all know that. And what this has to do with global warming I don’t know. But I’m Latino which means I cannot be questioned. It’s racist to do so.

Tomorrow:  Part Three! (May Alexandria Ocasio Cortez be forever blessed).

(79)