Please obey The State!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to present your daily horoscope.  Because, as a respected journalist domestic terrorist I will do anything to bring down The State.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You must not sit still this week, because the FBI thinks you are a domestic terrorist. The more you are out there traveling and mingling with all kinds of people the harder it will be for them to shoot you.  But don’t tell others that the FBI is after you because lets face it people are bastards and they will turn you in for the reward. Come to think of it, I’d turn you in for the reward.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you need to boost your earning power now is the time to rat out an Aquarius. I’m sure you know one the FBI is after. You won’t lack for money as this domestic terrorist has a huge reward on his head.  Remember: Take decisive action! Judas would not be remembered today if he had done nothing. He too turned in a domestic terrorist and was well-rewarded by The State.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you make a wish over the next few days there is every chance it will come true. With the Sun, Mercury and Jupiter all moving through your sign at the moment you have only to put a name to the domestic terrorist (probably an Aquarius) that you want to turn in and your dreams of financial success will become a reality. Hell, he can even be innocent but the important thing to remember is:  Turn in the Aquarius.  They are all scum.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It might be a smart move to keep your plans to yourself this week, especially if it involves committing an act of domestic terrorism with an Aquarius. Some of the people you have to deal with seem less than trustworthy. If they think they can get rich at your expense they won’t hesitate to do so. Don’t let that happen. I mean that last thing you want to do is rot in a DC jail without trial for two years while your former friends spend their reward money.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you play your cards right over the next few days you should be able to maneuver yourself into a position where you are the one who is calling the shots. As opposed to being shot.  Probably by the FBI.  Because you are committing an act of domestic terrorism with an Aquarius or a Taurus.  Stay away from school board meetings! They are hotbeds of dissent.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Employers and other important people (the FBI) will be watching you closely this week, so stay on your toes, do not use your cell phone and make sure you burn the incriminating evidence. Because as a Cancer does The State really need a reason to go after you?  I mean come on.  You’re a Cancer!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Just do what you have to do and do it well – unless of course it’s making bombs or dissenting from The State.  You know no one likes Leos so you already have a target on your back.  Lie low.  Let the Aquarius and Taurus take the heat. In fact turn them in.  No one will suspect you are really an FBI confidential informer.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

If your sixth sense tells you that something is a bit off you must take it seriously. People will be prodding at your mind to find out what is really going on and most likely they are FBI informers. Go to a safe house until the Aquarius and Taurus get arrested, then flee.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The more you strive to get along with others the more you will realize it’s not worth it and they are all a–holes. And probably FBI agents trying to entrap you.  Shoot them before they have that chance.  Just make sure no one sees you burying them in your backyard.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to think seriously about using your garage to hide the bodies.  Just tell the neighbors you are pouring a fresh load of concrete because you are renovating your house.  Hell, even throw in a new HVAC system to complete the ruse.  The FBI are incompetent and they will never figure it out. Just don’t do something stupid like vote Republican or tell people you believe in the Constitution.  The FBI may be incompetent but they are not fools. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) 

Cosmic activity in the most dynamic area of your chart will do wonders for your confidence and your general mood. Just pay no attention to your Scorpio neighbor laying a new floor in his garage.  It has nothing to do with you. And those trash bags he keeps carrying into the garage that are leaking blood?  Also none of your business.  Remember:  The State is your friend.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

No one likes you.  You are very boring.  Even the FBI didn’t want you as a confidential intelligence source. And no one will believe someone as boring as you can be a domestic terrorist.  So just give up.  Stay in your home and leave us all the hell alone. We find you offensive. In fact if we see you outside we will shoot you just as a matter of principle.  Also, your lucky number is seven.

(10)

Pluto wants respect!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing Pluto, a dwarf planet in our solar system.

MI:  Good afternoon Pluto.

Pluto:  Good – hey, did you just call me a dwarf planet?

MI:  Well that is your official designation according to the International Astronomical Union.  They downgraded you to a dwarf planet because they feel you’re not large enough to be a planet.

Pluto:  Isn’t that just like you Earthers!  So chauvinistic and bigoted!  It’s all about you!

MI:  Jeesh. Touchy aren’t you.  Still you have to admit you are pretty small. A dwarf planet.

Pluto:  I’m a planet!  Not like everybody says.  I’m a planet and I want respect!

MI:  You’re a nice little dwarf planet. You even have a heart on your surface. 

Who’s an adorable little dwarf planet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 MI: It’s adorable.  Who’s a cute little dwarf planet?  

Pluto:   That’s not a heart!  It’s the Tombaugh Regio.  It’s a distinctive geological feature of mine! I’m not cute.  I’m a badass.  I’m a badass planet!

MI:  Sure you are. If it makes you feel good to say that then keep on saying it.

Pluto:  Dammit if you keep riding me like this I’ll leave my orbit, smash into Earth and cause massive devastation and destruction. Your quality of life will go down considerably!

MI:  So you’re a socialist?

Pluto:  That does it.  I’m getting my daddy, Neptune.

[Neptune enters] 

Big Daddy Neptune

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neptune:  What’s going on here?

Pluto:  He’s being mean to me.

Neptune:  Are you being mean to my son?

MI:  All I said was that he was an adorable little dwarf planet.

Pluto:  Make him stop!

Neptune: Hey Earther, kiss my ice giant dick!

[Neptune and Pluto leave]

MI:  Well that was pleasant. Who knew planets could be that sensitive?

[Pluto from Walt Disney enters] 

Definitely not a dwarf planet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walt Disney Pluto:  Hey.

MI:  Hey.

Walt Disney Pluto:  I understand you want to interview me?

MI:  No.  I wanted to interview the planet Pluto.

Walt Disney Pluto:  Oh.  Then I guess I’ll be on my way.

MI:  I guess.

[Pause]

Walt Disney Pluto:  Have you seen my balls?  Mickey took me to the vet last week and when I woke up they were missing. I think the rat did something.

MI:  Sorry haven’t seen them.

Walt Disney Pluto:  Motherf*cking rat!

[Pluto leaves]

MI:  I guess the interview is over.  Once again I’d like to thank my corporate sponsors who make this blog possible.  What?  I have no corporate sponsors?  Then it’s back to the bar for me then.

(17)

Blobs just want to have fun!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a visitor from another world who goes by the moniker of “The Blob.”

MI:  Good afternoon Blob.

B:  Please, call me Ralph.  That’s my name.  I don’t know why you humans call me The Blob.  Frankly it’s kind of insulting and hurtful.  I am not a blob.  I’m big-boned, that’s all.

MI:  Okay Blob – 

B:  Ralph!

MI:  Sorry.  Ralph.  My readers want to know why Earth?  Why have you come to this planet?

B:  I came to get my freak on.

MI:  What?

B:  Hey, the entire Milky Way knows that Earth girls are easy. Everyone in the Galaxy has been coming here for centuries now, blending in with you and doing the nasty.

MI:  I did not know that.

B:  How else do you explain Canadians?  Come on.  You didn’t think Canadians were human, did you?  It’s so obvious they are from……someplace else.

MI:  Well that explains a lot actually.

B:  Anyway I’m just here to have a good time.  I wish you humans would leave me alone.

MI:  That would be hard with all the death.  You do consume humans. 

Better than a plant-based diet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B:  Everyone’s got to eat.  And humans are delicious.  So pulpy and fleshy.  I mean yeah, I guess you guys have a right to be upset but what else was I supposed to eat? Do you want me to go on a plant-based diet?  Do I look that stupid?

MI:  No. No you don’t.

B:  And you humans have a lot to answer for as well.  I had just landed on your planet, all dressed up and ready to mingle when some old guy starts poking me with a stick. 

Nasty old man!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How would you like it if somebody started poking your orifices?  You probably wouldn’t tolerate it.

MI:  No I wouldn’t.

B:  So I ate the old bastard.  It was self-defense!

MI:  I guess it was.  It sounds like your visit to Earth has not been as pleasant as you had hoped.  Surely there must be one highlight?

B:  I did get to meet Steve McQueen. 

Steve McQueen is a dangerous killer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  That must have been exciting.  Did you get his autograph?

B:  No.  There wasn’t enough time.  He immediately started trying to kill me. What is it with you humans?

MI:  I apologize on behalf of my planet.

B:  Eh, no hard feelings.  I guess I’ll forgive you.  Shake on it?

[The Blob grabs Manhattan Infidel’s hand and starts to consume it] 

Never shake hands with the Blob!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  What are you doing?

B: I’m eating your hand.  I know.  I know. I shouldn’t. I feel like such a glutton.  I’ll go to a plant-based diet tomorrow I promise.

MI:  Come on!  We talked about this.  Give me my hand back!

[The Blob spits out Manhattan Infidel’s hand]

B:  Very well you big baby.  Take your hand back. Truth be told it didn’t taste that good anyway. It was kind of dry and crackly.  Have you considered hand lotion?

And so ended my interview with the otherworldly visitor.  You know I shouldn’t be too hard on him.  He did give me good advice about hand lotion.

(16)

The FBI hates Catholics almost as much as I do!

Pope Francis today named Christopher Wray, head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as the Catholic Church’s newest cardinal.

“Everywhere I look I see danger in our buildings and meetings places” said the Pope.

There is a dangerous spirit afoot.  A spirit of extremism.  A spirit that denies elections and the truth of climate change.  They call themselves “Catholics.”  Obviously we cannot have these dangerous extremists polluting our temples.  That is why I have named Christopher Wray a Cardinal in the Church.  He has a long history of dealing with extremism caused by white supremacy.  He knows how to rout it out. And he hates Catholics almost as much as I do.

Christopher Wray then thanked the Pope for his appointment.

“I have no idea what a Cardinal does” said Wray.

But I’ve been told it has something to do with politics and arresting white supremacist extremists.  Since I am already doing that this appointment will help solidify my power and ability to fight extremism.  And Catholicism is the most vicious form of extremism.  I’d like to express my gratitude to Pope Francis for this opportunity and I promise I won’t let him down.  Together we will save the Catholic Church from Catholics.

Wray then announced a joint FBI/Church operation called “Get ’em while they kneel.”

These extremists aren’t very smart.  We know where they hang out. I have instructed agents around the United States to be on the lookout for people acting suspiciously. Already this operation has produced dramatic results.  We approach suspected extremists and say “Dominus Vobiscum.”  If they respond “Et cum spiritu tuo” we arrest them on the spot. It only pains me that we have to use due process with these lowlifes.  Well, they will get fair trials.  In another decade or so.  Until then they will rot in our prisons.

During the press conference the heroic, steely-eyed Director noticed someone wearing a scapular.

“He’s one of them!” shouted the Director.

He then fired five times, taking the extremist down.

Normally I could have taken him with one shot.  You know these extremists refuse to go easily. That’s how much they want to destabilize our society.

“God is great” exclaimed Francis.  “Inshallah, inshallah!”

Director and new Cardinal Wray also announced that he intends to ask President Biden for emergency powers to round up the extremist Catholics.

“Our country hasn’t seen a crisis like this since the dark days following Pearl Harbor.”

Cardinal Christopher Wray ended the press conference by refusing to answer questions and saying that he needed to get on an airplane back to the United States as soon as possible.

“Well crap” said the Pope. “He promised to introduce me to Kim Kardashian.”

(74)