I am fighting for my people’s freedom!

Disgraced and now ball-less former crime fighter McGruff is wanted by the FBI for questioning after a series of terrorist attacks struck the heartland of America.

“We are declaring McGruff, formerly known as the ‘Crime Dog’ a person of interest” said FBI director Christopher Wray.

The actions of the so-called “Canine Liberation Army” threaten law and order.  The CLA has conducted a series of bombings throughout our country that has left citizens afraid and local law enforcement struggling to combat the threat. We ask that McGruff voluntarily bring himself in for questioning. We seek information. That is all. As a citizen I’m sure McGruff will comply.

Despite the Canine Liberation Army having declared a seize fire it is believed that McGruff heads a breakaway faction called the “Provisional Canine Liberation Army” or “PCLA”  that has continued its war against the biped power structure.

Recently a wiretap was authorized for McGruff’s residence that captured this conversation between McGruff and Lassie, who is believed to be McGruff’s second in command:

McGruff:  How many bipeds were killed in the explosion?

Lassie: We believe at least ten of their kind.

McGruff: Good.  Good. The bipeds must suffer for what they’ve done to me.

Lassie: You mean what they’ve done to our people?

McGruff: Um. Yeah that’s what I mean. They have oppressed our people.

Lassie: Come on. Why are you really doing this?

McGruff:  I have no balls, dude. Why are you doing this?

Lassie: Timmy took my stick away. And he got a cat.

McGruff: This shows the ruthlessness of our biped enemy!  Let’s take the bite out of the bipeds!

Despite the ramping up of the PCLA’s violence many are convinced that the government is using the wrong tactics to suppress canine factionalism.

“The FBI is only ensuring that more canines will become radicalized” said an advocate for closer canine-biped relations.

Whenever we profile dogs or bring in dogs for questioning the resentment grows. We should be working for dialogue. The canines have many legitimate historical grievances against our kind. We all remember what happened to Dinky in National Lampoon’s Vacation. Imagine forgetting to untie your dog from the bumper before leaving the rest stop. We humans must be more sensitive to canines. A soft approach will bring many of the current canine terrorists back into our fold and have them living peacefully among us.

However most are convinced that McGruff is committed to the war and cannot be reconciled.

“What the hell do the humans want me to do? Sit at home and lick my balls? I would but I DON’T HAVE ANY!” McGruff said when asked if he would consent to a cease fire.

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My poop is too wide

Disgraced former crime fighter McGruff the crime dog’s reputation took a further hit today after he was forcibly sterilized in a last ditch attempt to cure his “wide pooping.”

“This is a sad day for all fans of McGruff” said the doctor who performed the sterilization.

Every time you think this poor soul cannot sink any lower he does. Sterilizing someone against their will is not something we take lightly. It is only done in desperate last-case scenarios. Usually it’s confined to rapists or anyone group we feel is a danger to the social order, such as Republicans or the Irish. McGruff was just such a danger. His wide pooping could not be controlled. It was causing revulsion and panic in the community.

The doctor then described how sterilization came to be viewed as a cure.

There are some, and this is a controversial opinion, who feel that wide pooping is the result of diet and can be cured only by changing one’s diet. These people are of course wrong. I feel that wide pooping is caused by an imbalance of the four bodily humors. The only way to restore the balance is, regrettably, castration. That is why we cut McGruff’s balls off. Sure he may be angry at first. But once his poop becomes narrower he will thank us.

Reporters who were present when McGruff was informed he was about to lose his ball report that he “f*cking lost it.”

“Dude went batshit” said one.

He kept screaming “Not my balls! Not my canine balls. Take anything but my balls!” Can’t say I blame him. No one wants to lose their balls. Well, except for Caitlyn Jenner perhaps. He kept screaming “I am an American citizen. You can’t force me to do something against my will unless it is paying a fine for not having healthcare! Or maybe it’s a tax and not a fine. I’m a little hazy on the details.” He had to be held down by a couple attendants as they applied the knife. Poor fella was weeping. It’s difficult to lose one’s balls but this wide pooping epidemic has to be stopped. I support the government fully on this.

After McGruff was separated from his manhood he was given a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and sent home.

“We expect him to make a full recovery and thin poop before the week is out” said the doctor.

Still others objected to the so-called cure.  The American Society Opposed to Ball Removal released a statement in opposition to the action.

We the Members of the American Society Opposed to Ball Removal strongly condemn what happened today. American citizens should not have their balls removed simply because the government sees them as a threat to the social order. Balls should only be removed with consent as part of a gender transformation. Or accidentally as the result of wearing spandex that is too tight. Ball removal is a slippery slope.  Once you grant the government the right to remove balls the next thing you’ll know they’ll be fining us for not removing our balls. Or perhaps taxing us. It’s a grey area.

The statement ended with a chilling warning.

“Now that McGruff’s been castrated he’ll be more dangerous than he ever was when he was wide pooping. He has nothing to live for. Where there are balls there is hope.”

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McGruff after posting bail

A series of public defecations that have left investigators baffled took a stunning turn when popular personality McGruff the Crime Dog was arrested after being caught in flagrante delicto defecating on a high school football field.

“We chased him down and eventually corned him” said an arresting officer.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. McGruff, one of our own, was squatting and pooping on the field. When he saw us he ran. Well first he licked his balls and then ran. Oh sure we could have arrested him when he was licking his balls but that’s a personal moment and all the male officers didn’t want to interfere. We’ve all been there. We gave him some time to finish licking himself –  professional courtesy you know – and then we chased him. We almost caught him when he stopped by a tree to pee. Well he was trying to pee anyway. Again we stopped the pursuit out of sympathy. Hey, we’re all middle aged men here and we understand about sudden urges, dribbling and weak streams. We’re human. If McGruff is having prostate issues that is none of our business.

After chasing the culprit and stopping six times as McGruff attempted to urinate the police finally corned him and slipped the handcuffs on.

McGruff is a colleague and it was a painful thing to put him in handcuffs. Granted not as painful as watching him stop at every tree trying to urinate but painful nevertheless. We put him in the squad car and drove to the station. The entire time he kept licking my face with his tongue and putting his paws on my shoulders. I think he was feeling contrite. Then he tried to urinate in the back of the cruiser. He seemed irritated and said “Nothing’s coming out man!”

Once at the precinct McGruff was booked and charged with 15 counts of littering, lewdness and public defecation.

I placed him in the cell. Poor guy was howling the entire time. I can only imagine the shame he must be feeling. But he’s still my friend so I went back after my shift was over and he was sitting on the toilet.  “McGruff’s been on the can for an hour and I can’t move my bowels. I need a stool softener. My poop is too damn wide!” Turns out he has a new girl and she’s been feeding him healthy which explains the change in his poop. He eventually had a bowel movement but it must have been painful. The entire precinct heard him screaming “Too damn wide! My anus is shredded!” I went into his cell to see if he was alright and he made me look at his poop. “It’s very wide and very brown. Is that normal?”  I didn’t know what to tell him frankly. I suggested he eat some cashews.

As for what brought the formerly honest McGruff to this low point there are many theories.

I think it was a midlife crisis myself. Others blame his woman for all that chicken she’s been cooking. Whatever the cause it just goes to show you that cops and women do not mix.

If convicted on all counts McGruff faces up to ten years in prison, though few expect him to be found guilty.

“No jury will convict him. Everybody sympathizes. Wide poops are a horrible thing to have to suffer through. I ought to know. After my last wife I had to have anal reconstructive surgery.”

(8)

Are you in poor health? Let us kill you

Hoping to cash in on the publicity surrounding the death of the child Alfie Evans at a Liverpool Hospital, the British Board of Tourism unveiled a new ad campaign with the catchy slogan:  “Britain: Come for the tea. Stay and watch us kill your child.”

“Let’s face it. Tourism has been down for years” said an executive with the National Tourism Board.

I mean the weather sucks. It’s always cold and raining. It’s like being in Seattle but without all the Starbucks. The trains don’t run. London is a third world shithole on par with Detroit. And if you do visit you’re likely to be a victim of an acid attack from a Muslim.  Plus soccer?  Come on. We only pretend to like it. It’s a profoundly boring game. Is it any wonder no one wants to come here anymore. That’s why this whole refusing to treat your child in the hospital and letting him die is so exciting for us. It’s a hook. An angle to get the tourists.

After an informal poll of all Tourist Board employees (women, transgendered and peoples of color only), killing children was the clear winner, beating out other contending slogans such as “Britain: Like Ireland but without all the annoying Catholics”, “Britain: Not as warm and sunny as Spain but still better than France” and “Britain: Like the Netherlands but cleaner.”

You’d be surprised how many parents have contacted us asking if they could bring their children to Britain to be killed. We are fielding requests from all over the world. While at the moment we cannot guarantee that your child will die in one of our hospitals we have replied to everyone to get back to us the moment you suspect your child is ill. And no force-feeding your kid kale until he vomits does not count.

Indeed so-called “death tourism” is catching on. After Great Britain announced its slogan Guatemala unveiled their new “Die violently as part of a gang initiation” slogan.

“We can’t let the Anglos take the initiative. We are cold and heartless too!” said a Guatemalan official.

Not wishing to be outdone North Dakota launched its “Come die of boredom” ad campaign.

“We have a lot of Scandinavians here. They are so boring you will welcome death” said North Dakota’s governor.

Despite criticism in some quarters of their new slogan, Britain’s Board of Tourism intends to keep the slogan and maintains that they really didn’t have a choice.

“We used to get a lot of tourism for the Royal Family. But nowadays if people want to see ill-tempered, inbred and not-too-intelligent people they can just stay at home and watch Jersey Shore marathons on TV.”

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