This man is a terrorist. If he were 100 percent white he’d be literally Hitler

Wednesday, June 24, a date which will live in infamy, The natural masters of America, the Democrats, were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of evil (also known as Republicans).

And so began a week of horror unparalleled in American history. Men wept in the street. Women smothered their babies rather than let them live in a world where Republicans kill their Democratic masters. Dogs roamed the city eating carcasses. All this happened because our best and brightest Democrats were put in danger.

Since the suspect, Cesar Sayoc, has been arrested many of my readers have asked me to answer their questions about this matter. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ are more than happy to oblige.

• Who is Cesar Sayoc?

He is a Republican.

• Wow.  Do all Republicans want to kill Democrats?

Yes. Republicans naturally resent Democrats since Democrats are smarter and better looking. Republicans are backward looking bitter clingers. It’s only natural one of them snapped and resorted to attempted murder.

• I heard Cesar Sayoc was Filipino. Wouldn’t that make  him a person of color? And aren’t all peoples of color naturally drawn to the more compassionate agenda of the Democratic party?

It is true he had Filipino blood in him. But he also had Italian blood. And Italians are white. Therefore Republican. Therefore evil.

• Wait. Italians are white?

Yes. Mostly. Well, the Italians from the respectable northern sections of the country. As for the south and Sicily? Totally not white, those greasy pasta-loving garlic eaters.

• But wouldn’t that make the so-called respectable northern sections of the country Republican and the south and Sicily Democrat?  I’m confused.

Stay focused. Cesar Sayoc is a Republican who wanted to kill Democrats. That’s all that matters here.

• Yes. You’re right. I’m sorry. But I wonder if we should technically call him a bomber since none of the so-called bombs exploded. Indeed they didn’t even have detonators.

Are YOU are Republican too?  Perhaps you also want to see Democrats die?

• No I’m just asking a legitimate question. Also I was wondering how the packages got delivered since the stamps were not even cancelled?

What did I tell you before? Stay focused! Or do you want the Republicans to maintain control of the House of Representatives? This was an attack on the Democratic party. And the Democratic party is the backbone of our Democracy.

• I thought the Constitution was the backbone of our Democracy?

You’re one of THEM aren’t you? You probably helped Cesar Sayoc make the bombs. You probably enjoy seeing your Democratic masters in danger!

• First off I don’t recognize the Democrats, or anyone for that matter, as my master. I am a citizen of a free Republic.

Oh my god!  I’ve been triggered!  I feel unsafe!

• Calm down son you’ll splurt. I just have one last question. It is reported that Sayoc was homeless and living in his van. Did he have a PC and a printer in his van? How did he print out all those stickers plastered all over his van?

That does it. This interview is over!  If you won’t take the danger of evil Republican terrorism directed to our Democratic friends seriously then I cannot help you.  Goodbye!

I hope this answers all your questions, dear readers.

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Totally a Trump supporter

In the wake of the tragic shooting over the weekend at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania many have wondered what were the shooter’s motivations?  While others in the mainstream media have speculated only I have traveled to the hospital where Robert Bowers is recovering from his bullet wounds to ask the shooter directly. What follows is my interview which I totally did not make up.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Bowers.

RB: Are you a Jew?

MI: No sir I am not.

RB: Then I will talk to you. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Fire away.

MI: Very well. Why did you shoot up the synagogue?

RB: I couldn’t sit by and let my people be slaughtered by kikes. I know the optics look bad but I had to go in.

MI: I see. Tell me how long have you known Donald Trump?

RB: What? I’ve never met the man

MI: Okay by “I’ve never met the man” what you really mean is that you’ve been in close contact with him and he ordered you to kill Jews?

RB: No that’s not what I mean. I’ve never met the man, I’m not in contact with him and he did not order me to kill Jews.

MI: Okay when you say “I’ve never met the man, I’m not in contact with him and he did not order me to kill Jews” you are implying that you were in secret contact with the President and he colluded with you to shoot up the synagogue?

RB: What the hell is wrong with you?  Are you listening to what I’m saying?  I’m not a fan of Donald Trump. I did not vote for him. He’s a globalist surrounded by kikes. I despise the man.

MI: I see. So when he told you to shoot up the synagogue did he leave it up to you how many to kill or did he give you a specific number?

RB: He didn’t give me any number! I never spoke to him. I do not like the man and I shot everyone at the synagogue because I wanted to!

[Pause]

MI:  Look pal, I’m trying to help you. Just tell me Donald Trump told you to do it and all will be forgiven. If you just say that you’ll have many allies in the press. And right now you need as many allies as possible.

RB: I can’t say that. It’s not the truth. I may be a murderous anti-Semite but I’m not a full of shit reporter.

MI: This is your last chance.

RB: F*ck off.

[Manhattan Infidel removed the tubes from Robert Bowers’s arm, blocking the pain killers from entering his body]

RB: What are you doing? Stop that!

MI: Just tell me what I want to know and this will all be over. Donald Trump ordered you to kill Jews.

RB: Why would he do that?  His son-in-law is a kike. That’s one of the many reasons I hate him.

MI: Alright you asked for it pal!

[Manhattan Infidel begins to smother Bowers with his pillow]

MI: I have a f*cking narrative to fill and you’re not helping. Tell me Donald Trump ordered you to kill Jews! Tell me or so help me I’ll smother you to death right here right now you son of a bitch!

RB: Help! I can’t breathe!

[Bowers goes into cardiac arrest and dies]

As you can see Bowers tragically died of his injuries while I was interviewing him. We may never know his motive but there is one thing we can all be sure of: Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler, ordered Bowers to kill as many Jews as possible.

I, Manhattan Infidel, a member of the Mainstream Media, have reported this. That means my narrative is true.

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The Democratic Socialists of America want you!

With the crucial mid-terms just two weeks away I was contacted by the Democratic National Committee and asked if I would share a message from them with my readers. Naturally I was quite happy drunk to do as they asked.

So without further adieu I now present a critical message from your masters at the DNC:

Comrades the hour to wash away our national capitalistic dishonor and to liberate ourselves has come.  Everyone must rise up and launch attacks against the Republicans and their white privilege and topple the traitorous, capitalistic, Russian-colluding government of Donald Trump.

We must set up at once a revolutionary government, build various revolutionary socialistic forces and international organizations guided by the United Nations.

Punish and arrest all the cruel lackeys of Republicanism and Trumpism. Punish them. Get in their faces.

Help the Revolutionary Democratic Socialistic forces fulfill their duties.

We exhort the officers, soldiers and police forces of the Republican regime to side with the masses of the Democratic Socialist people and give their arms and ammunition to duly authorized Democratic Socialists to be burned.  (For once the Democratic Socialists come to power the state shall vanish and there will be no need of guns.)

We exhort all those who have gone astray to Republicanism and capitalism to wake up! 

Those who recognize their faults and confess them to the Democratic Socialists will be forgiven by the Revolutionary Democratic Socialist guard.

Those who bitterly cling to their guns and resist the Democratic Socialists shall be duly punished.

Comrades, we want to be delivered from capitalistic slavery and the dictatorial and ruthless regime of the Orange One.

We do not want unemployment and bankruptcy.  The Democratic Socialists promise full employment and wage equality.

We are determined to achieve our goals at any cost.

Let’s go forward to the triumph of Democratic Socialism together!

The Revolution will certainly be crowned with success! All you have to do is vote for your local Democratic Socialist candidate. Vote once. Vote often. Get your relatives to vote. Get the dead to vote.

El día de la muerte socialista demócrata is at hand!

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.

The modern bourgeois Republican capitalistic society has not done away with class antagonisms. It has but established new classes, new conditions of oppression, new forms of struggle in place of the old ones.

Long live a Socialistic Democratic United States of America under the authority of the United Nations!

Well, that certainly seems like a benign letter.  Certainly it’s in keeping with American traditions. I guess it’s true what they say: Death, taxes and socialism are inevitable. Might as well sit back and enjoy it.

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Serfs obey your masters!

Wednesday was a day of terror throughout the United States, possibly more damaging than 9/11, after a series of suspicious packages were mailed to America’s elite.

David Gregory, a member of the ruling class of America, spoke for all when he said:

Political violence against the ruling class is never acceptable. We may have political differences but I’m sure we can all agree that agreeing with CNN is agreeable. And you want to be agreeable don’t you?  You don’t want any bombs mailed to you, do you? Shame if we were to shoot up another Republican soft ball practice. That’s not political violence. That is the rising up of a quite angry electorate against the beasts in Republican clothing. Don’t believe me? Look at my hair. 

My hair has spoken

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have elite hair. And that means I am to be believed.  I’m just glad the hate-filled deplorable Trump supporter who sent the bomb was unsuccessful. Now I can continue to berate the serfs with my superior knowledge and hair.

In New York City, where the act of disrespect to America’s masters was located, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) lamented the political divisions in America and called for increased tolerance of mainstream Democratic opinion.

This is clearly an act of terror and an attempt to silence correct political thought such as that expressed on CNN. New York will not tolerate this. I have ordered the rounding up of all those who did not vote for me as potential co-conspirators. Democrats will not be cowed. We may have political differences but as long as Republicans realize their moral and intellectual inferiority and the necessity to do our bidding all will be well.

A suspicious package was also sent to billionaire philanthropist Nazi collaborator George Soros.  Fortunately the billionaire philanthropist Nazi collaborator and person who is funding the central American caravan was not at home, saving another well-known Democrat Nazi from Republican violence.

“It was probably mailed by Jews” said a Soros employee nazi collaborator.

From the White House Donald Trump, the evil orange figure out to destroy America constitutionally elected President denounced the mailing of the packages.

“I strongly condemn today’s events” said literally Hitler.

Ah, but what do you expect the destroyer of universes to say? This man, who is literally Hitler and yes I know I already said that but it bears repeating, will say anything to hide his lust for power and violence.

As of press time the perpetrator or perpetrators of today’s act of anti-elite violence has not been caught but according to an FBI profiler the suspect is a white male, 45-60 years old, a Republican, probably Catholic and a gun owner who hates brown people. He might also be a smoker (and not a vaper as those who vape are usually progressives who live in urban areas and are peoples of color.)

CNN has offered a reward to the first person who shoots a Trump supporter.

“Violence against deplorables is not violence but righteousness” said CNN President Jeff Zucker.

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This looks like a nice place to visit

The entire world CNN and MSNBC have been outraged by the disappearance of the innocent journalist Muslim Brotherhood member, terrorist, probably a spy Jamal Khashoggi. Being a member of the MSM myself, I have an interest in this story and flew out to Istanbul last weekend to visit the scene of the crime and get to the truth of the matter.

After touching down in Istanbul Constantinople Byzantium I drove to the consulate. I stood outside the gate and shouted “I am a reporter. By the power of my moral authority let me in now!” At least I think that’s what I was shouting. I was relying on a google translation and eye witnesses later told me I might have been shouting “I have on women’s underwear. We make fun time?”

But whatever I was shouting the guilty, ruthless Saudis let me in.

A consulate official approached me and asked what I wanted.  I shouted “I want the truth. What happened to Jamal Khashoggi?”

Again. My Turkish is rusty and I later found out I was shouting “Me very kinky. You spanky, spanky?”

The Saudis wilted at my demand for the truth and took me to a private room.

I was met by another consulate official and once again demanded to know what happened to Khashoggi.

“Khashoggi? He slipped on a banana peel” was his answer.

“He slipped on a banana peel?  That caused his death” I answered incredulously.

“No. After slipping on banana peel he fell and hit his head on baseball bat.  Seventeen times.”

“So he died from slipping on a banana peel and accidentally hitting his head on a baseball bat?”

“No. Baseball bat was on roof. After slipping on banana peel and hitting his head on baseball bat he fell off the roof.”

“So he died from slipping on a banana peel that made him hit his head on a baseball bat that caused him to fall off the roof?”

“No. Before he fell off roof we shot him 27 times. By accident.”

“So he slipped on a banana peel that made him hit his head on a baseball bat that caused him to fall off the roof but not before being accidentally shot 27 times?  That’s how he died?”

“No. After falling he was impaled on the front gate.”

“So he slipped on a banana peel that made him hit his head on a baseball bat that caused him to fall off the roof but not before being accidentally shot 27 times leading to his impalement on the front gate? That’s how he died?”

“No. It was a heart attack. We believe he had high blood pressure.”

Having high blood pressure and taking medicine for a heart ailment I believe the Saudi explanation of his death makes sense.

I shook the consulate member’s hand and said “Thank you for telling me the truth” and left.

At least I think that’s what I said. Again my translation was faulty and I later found out what I actually said was “Come to my hotel room. I have a sex chair and a milking machine.”

But in any event we now know that Jamal Khashoggi died of a heart attack brought on by high blood pressure.

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