NFL to Set Mandatory Diversity Quota for 2018 Starting Lines

Who cares who wins?







The National Football League announced today that starting with the 2018 season all starting lines must include 1/3 female representation, 1/3 transsexual representation and 1/3 binary representation.

“For too long the National Football League has been the bastion of penises” said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Look on any sideline during any football game.  Sure we have white, black, Latino, or is it Hispanic, players. But this is just superficial. Look deeper and you’ll find that all our players have penises.  One hundred percent penis. In fact there are more penises at NFL games than you’ll see in a Miley Cyrus video. All these penises in one place is intolerable. Is this what the fans of the NFL really want to see? Physically strong men with penises smashing into one another?  I don’t think so. I have my finger on the pulse of the average NFL fan. My chauffeur is an average NFL fan. So is my gardener. They both say the same thing to me:  “Please Senor Goodell no report me to Immigration and Naturalization.” That and “Please senor Goodell I no like you to beat me.” What? Did I just say that? I mean they often ask me when men and women without penises will be able to play in the NFL. Well now their concerns have been answered.

To address the non-penis gap next year all teams shall be required to provide proof to league offices that they have women and men without penises on their team.

Now I know what many of you are saying: “Roger I need a Mexican gardener. A trustworthy one that won’t steal my pot. Can you recommend one?” No wait I mean “Roger will this affect the quality of play next year?” To tell the truth I don’t know. The quality of play might be worse. But since when do fans go to a game to see high quality level of play? Surely not the guy who validates my parking ticket at NFL Headquarters. I asked him if he is concerned about quality of play and do you know what he told me?  “Please senor Goodell I give you bueno pot. Return my family to me.” Granted my Spanish is not good but I think bueno means “I don’t care about quality of play as long as the field has gender diversity.”

As for the transsexual representation the NFL has of yet not decided whether it should be pre- or post-op.

We at NFL Headquarters have thought about this and frankly we are at a conundrum. If the transsexuals are pre-op would that mean they are penis, or binary, representation? And if the transsexuals are post-op would that mean they are counted under female representation? Even if their new vaginas aren’t self-lubricating? Hmm. A non self-lubricating vagina? I bet that’s a lot like dry chicken parm. Anyway as you can see have to study this issue further.

Goodell closed his press conference by addressing the fears of NFL fans.

“The NFL as you know it will be exactly the same. It’s like I said to the Mexican prostitute I picked up last night:  ‘You give me a rusty trombone and I’ll give you an Irish perm.‘ “


My Exclusive Interview With Potential Presidential Candidate Oprah Winfrey

You’re all getting new cars!











Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a woman who has been in the news a lot lately. I am referring of course to Oprah Winfrey.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Winfrey.

OW:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here and address the rumors that are swirling around me.

MI: You are of course referring to the rumors that you might run for President?

OW:Yes. I have given it a lot of thought. I’m flattered and I am not entirely ruling it out. It is something I’m seriously considering.

MI: Really?

OW: If I were President I think I would be able to change the direction of America for the better with my compassionate policies.

MI: What would your policies be?

OW: For starters everyone…….GETS……….A…..NEW….CAR!

MI: A what?


MI: A new car?  That’s your policy?

OW:Vote for me and get a………BRAND…..NEW….CAR!

MI: Isn’t that technically bribery?

OW: Um. No. It’s……socialism!  Because I’m redistributing BRAND……..NEW…..CARS!

MI: Socialism?

OW: Yes. Um.  Compassion for everybody and BRAND……NEW……CARS!

MI: How would you pay for giving all Americans a –


MI: Yes. A brand new car.

OW: [Pause]  I don’t know. I guess I’ll have my producers take it out of the show budget.

MI: Show budget?  Okay. Well that’s about all the time we have –

OW: What’s that your eating?

MI: This? Oh it’s sauteed flounder with mint and tomatoes. 

Tastier than a new car!












OW: [Licking lips]  It looks delicious.

MI: Oh trust me. It is.

OW: You have other food. What is that?

MI: This? Oh it’s cheeseburger tortilla pizza. 

To hell with a brand new car I want to eat this!












OW: Looks absolutely lip smacking good.

MI: I get these recipes from Weight Watchers and they are all great.

OW: Yes, yes I know. I’m a spokeswoman for them.

MI: After I finish this I intend to have broiled steak and peppers with easy spicy green sauce. 

Mmm. Good!












OW: I want that.

MI: I wish I could offer you some but I only have enough for me.

OW: I’ll give you a……….BRAND…….NEW……CAR!

MI: Thanks but I live in Manhattan. I don’t own a car. The subways pretty much take me everywhere I want to go.

OW: I’ll give you ………TWO…..BRAND…..NEW…..CARS!

MI: I’ll pass.

OW: [Pause]  Just give me the f*cking food now!

MI: What? No. I’m eating this!

OW: It’s because I’m black isn’t it? You don’t want to share your food with a black person!

MI: I told you this is my food!

OW: F*ck you!  F*ck you and give me that damn food!

[Oprah lunges towards Manhattan Infidel and grabs him by the neck]

OW: Give me the f*cking food now!

[Manhattan Infidel maces Oprah Winfrey]

OW: Ouch!  Mace!  So this is what mace feels like. Usually I’m the one with the can of mace and I’m macing Stedman every time he tries to touch me!

MI: I’m out of here. Bye.

And so ended my interview with the woman who may be our next president. It could have been worse. I might have been interviewing Kelly Clarkson.


1 Comment

Manhattan Infidel Uncovers the Original Six Million Dollar Man!

We can build a better penis









Like many people my age I remember fondly the Six Million Dollar Man TV show. Steve Austin. Astronaut. Barely alive.

But what many people do not realize is the the show we saw was not the original version. That was called “The Six Million Dollar Penis” but was cancelled after censors objected.

Using my contacts in show biz I took a bubble bath with Harvey Weinstein I now present the original pilot to The Six Million Dollar Penis.

Opening Narration:

Steve Austin, astronaut. A man whose penis is barely alive after an accident with a paper shredder. Gentlemen, we can rebuild his penis. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic penis. Steve Austin’s penis will be that penis. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster, longer, thicker.

Scene One (The Trouble with Bionics):

Oscar Goldman: Steve sit down. There’s something I want to talk to you about.

Steve Austin: Is it my bionic penis? I want to thank you for rebuilding it.

Oscar Goldman: Yes. Have you noticed any problems or bugs with your penis?

Steve Austin: Well last night I was lying on the bed rubbing one out and I put a hole in the ceiling.

Oscar Goldman: I was afraid of that. You see Steve a bionic penis is not a toy. It’s a weapon we intend to use against the enemies of America. Right now the Russians are working on their own bionic penis program. There is a bionic penis race and we must maintain bionic penis superiority!

Steve Austin But what about sex?

Oscar Goldman: I’m afraid that’s out of the question. You would end up eviscerating any woman you penetrated.

Steve Austin: So what am I supposed to do? I’m still a young man!

Oscar Goldman: We’ve thought about that. And I’m afraid until Congress gives us money to build a bionic woman you’ll have to remain celibate.

Steve Austin: Bullshit. You know what I think about that? 

[Austin drops his pants and begins pleasuring himself in front of Goldman]

Oscar GoldmanNo!  Steve don’t!  I beg you!

[Austin climaxes, decapitating Goldman]

Scene Two (The Russians Have Problems):

First Russian Scientist: Comrade where is the subject with the bionic penis? Is it functioning?

Second Russian Scientist:  Afraid not. He drank a lot of vodka.

First Russian Scientist: What about subject number two?

Second Russian Scientist: A tragedy. He escaped last night and went into town. All I can say is the women look like strands of spaghetti now.

First Russian Scientist: Subject number three?

Second Russian Scientist: His penis rejected him and we had to cut it off. Don’t worry. We safely disposed of it at Chernobyl.

I don’t know about you readers but I would have liked to see this version instead. It made a number of political statements. Obviously the bionic penis represented toxic male masculinity. The show was decades ahead of its time.


Teachers of America Refuse Firearms Training; Worry That it Will Cut Into Time Spent Sleeping With Students

Carry a gun? I’d rather sleep with my students








Two weeks after the massacre in Florida and a week after President Donald Trump said he would be comfortable arming teachers, the teachers of America remain united in refusing to arm or even take firearms training.

“Trump is literally Hitler” said one teacher.

He wants to arm us? No one needs a gun. They are weapons of war. And he wants to arm us? My job as an educator is educate my students. And to shape my student’s minds so they will be prepared to vote Democrat. And sleep with them of course. Though the third one is technically a perk and not something we officially strive for. But it is a fun perk.  By the way can anyone help me figure out how to send a photo of my penis to one of my students? I have 3000 dick pics on my phone but I need help sending them.

One teacher spoke of the offensive shape of guns.

As as 25 year-old committed feminist I find guns morally repugnant. They all are shaped like penises. And like penises bring nothing but misery to my gender. I will never hold a penis-shaped gun in my hand. Granted I’ve never held a penis in my hand either but we should impeach Trump and repeal the second amendment. Only then will I feel safe from the patriarchy and can devote my time to sleeping with my female students.

Still a third teacher spoke of the expense and time required for proficiency in fire arms.

Guns are not cheap. Gun licenses are not cheap. Firearm safety training takes time. Do you know how many hours a week I set aside for sleeping with my students?  Why I’m probably sleeping with more women than my wife is! And this orange Hitler, this illegitimate president who stole the election from Hillary wants me to take time out of my busy schedule of sleeping around to go to firearms training? My students depend on me. They need me. Love is love and if I can give my students the love they deserve isn’t that much better? Wouldn’t sleeping with teenagers prevent gun violence? After all if a 15 year-old is approached by an older man who says he wants to touch them wouldn’t that help their self-esteem and mental health? Wouldn’t it be better for teenagers to be introduced to sex from someone much older than them? Someone experienced? Someone with sex toys?

Still not all teachers are opposed to arming themselves. According to one special ed teacher in The Bronx, New York it’s high time to arm oneself.

“I just want to shoot all my students. Shoot them in the goddamn head. Feral bastards.”



And the Award Goes To………

And the award for best pedophile goes to…..







Like most people who read this blog Manhattan Infidel keeps a close eye on popular culture.  Okay maybe “close eye” is just a polite way of saying “stalking.”  But the point remains covering pop culture is a large part of this blog.

Yesterday Hollywood held its annual Oscar ceremony where our elite are rewarded for their excellence and moral superiority.  For those of you who missed it I now present host and America’s conscience Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue, which set the courageous tone for the rest of the evening.

As all of you know the past couple months have been a tough one for our industry. Many women have come forward to tell horrible stories of their sexual abuse at the hands of powerful men in Hollywood. I am here to say we have heard your cries and place the blame squarely where it belongs: On the shoulders of Donald Trump.

Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Franco, Michael Douglas, Geoffrey Rush, Russell Simmons, Al Franken, Richard Dreyfuss, George Takei, Jeffrey Tambor, Dustin Hoffman, Andy Dick, Louis C.K., Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Woody Allen, Steven Seagal, and those who sexually assaulted Molly Ringwald, Reese Witherspoon, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and all other 14 year olds with tight butts. What do all these people have in common besides a coke addiction? I think it was coke. It might be pain killers. Or meth.

They are all conservative Republicans who support Donald Trump.

Yes I know what you are saying. “Wait. Aren’t they well-known liberals who support the Democratic Party?”  No. That is a lie started by the fake news people at Fox. These people are conservatives.  And like all conservatives they are born rapists. But what do you expect from people who follow Donald Trump, a serial rapist the likes of which has never been seen in American politics. Yes, we all know about Bill Clinton. But in his defense Clinton is very pro-abortion. That alone justifies his actions.

You see we in Hollywood have a problem. No not pedophilia. And as artists that is our privilege anyway. No not pedophilia. Not rape. Not the so-called casting couch. Our problem is we are awash in conservatives. There are too many conservatives in Hollywood. This industry is dominated by Trump-voting conservatives. And as we all know conservatives are less moral then liberals. They are not as intelligent. And they are corrupting the spotless moral record of our industry.

Conservatives are close minded people. Close minded rapists I should say. They lack the intellectual curiosity, openness, tolerance and moral center that we liberals have.

That is why I am taking the pledge. I pledge never to hire a Republican. I pledge never to work with a Republican. I pledge never to have a Republican on my show. And don’t try to hide your conservatism. We liberals are smarter as I said. We will find you and we will punish you. We will ensure you are ostracized and living in a ghetto.

Such openness and tolerance is the American way.

I want to close my monologue by reminding all those in attendance that your swag bags this year will contain rape whistles, pepper spray and instructions on how to spot a conservative. Pro tip: They usually are carrying assault rifles with bump stocks, drive pick ups and are heading to a local white Christian church.

Thank you and on with the Oscars!

As for what happened at the rest of the Oscars I don’t know. I had better things to do was cleaning out the cat’s litter box.


Mueller Indicts Marvin the Martian!

Being indicted makes me angry! Very angry indeed!











Special prosecutor Robert Mueller continues to lay down the hammer in his search into Russian collusion with President Trump in the 2016 presidential election.

Today he indicted Marvin the Martian, charging him with lying to the FBI when questioned about his knowledge of Russian attempts to interfere in the election.

“Marvin the Martian did knowingly lie to the FBI on three separate occasions when being interviewed” began the indictment.

The indictment then goes on to list the topics that Mr. Martian allegedly lied about:

  1. Mr. Martian claims to have never met Vladimir Putin. In fact Mr. Martian met with him several times during the period from November 2015 to December 2016. Martian was angry that Russia blocked his view of the Venus. “If Russia continues to block my view I will destroy it” said Mr. Martian. 
  2. Mr. Martian claims to have no knowledge of Russian attempts to interfere with the Presidential election, whereas Mr. Martian had a secret deal with Putin wherein he wouldn’t destroy Russia but would instead move Russia to Venus and destroy Earth. It should be noted that destroying Earth and saving Russia counts as Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential election.  President Trump no doubt knew of this.
  3. Mr. Martian claims not to know who Paul Manafort is and coyly asked FBI interrogators if Manafort was a “brand of cheese.”  Martian subscribes to the Wall Street Journal and therefore must have seen Manafort’s name in print on many occasions.

The indictment strikes a near fatal blow to President Trump’s attempts to claim non-involvement with the Russians while he was running for President.

“If Marvin the Martian did lie to investigators then this proves Trump is guilty” said CNN personality Chris Cuomo.

Trump. Russia. Marvin the Martian. It’s all connected! We already know Trump colluded with the Russians to steal the election from the more qualified Hillary Clinton. If Trump had Marvin the Martian help him how deep does the collusion go? Jabba the Hutt? Captain Kirk, the Robinson Family who were lost in space?  Or should I say allegedly lost in space? Perhaps they knew the truth about the degree of collusion between President Trump and Russia and had to be taken out of the picture? This all makes perfect sense. And I remind my viewers that I am on television. That means I’m smart.

Marvin the Martian continues to deny any involvement in possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russian operatives.

“I’m just a simple martian living a simple martian life” he said when questioned by reporters.

I do not get involved in Earth politics. The last time I did England went to war with Argentina. I have no feelings towards Earth. It seems like a nice vacation spot. I just wish it didn’t block my view of Venus. What do they want from me? I met with the FBI and answered all their questions.

Mr. Martian has asked to be left alone and will not travel back to Earth to answer the indictment.

“This whole getting indicted shit makes me angry. Very angry indeed!”



On State Visit to San Francisco Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Appears Naked in Public and Defecates in BART Station!

I am a sensitive liberal









Fresh off an official State visit to India where he wore a dazzling display of authentic Indian costumes, Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau continued his tradition of “dressing like the locals” during a visit to the city of San Francisco during a week-long stay in the Republic of California.

Despite his well-known penchant for local costumes many Californians were still surprised when he appeared naked at several events in San Francisco.

Trudeau’s representatives attempted to quell any controversy over his choice of nakedness.

“The Prime Minister is a citizen of the world and respects all local cultures” said his spokeshuman.

When the trip to San Francisco was planned the Prime Minister spent weeks studying local San Francisco customs and dress. That’s just what the Prime Minister does. Unlike America’s racist President our PM respects local cultures. It was after intensive study of the city that the Prime Minister decided he wanted to appear naked in public. He was quite excited for the opportunity to do this. “People in San Francisco walk around naked in public” he told me. “I want to do that! It’s a tradition in San Francisco and I think it’s a great one. Besides, after a Canadian winter my ball sack needs a little sunshine.”

While many appreciated the Prime Minister’s sensitivity to city customs not all were happy.

“We don’t all walk around naked” said one resident.

Granted a lot of us do. In fact most of us seldom wear clothing. But that’s in private. Only a sizable minority chooses to walk around naked in public. And while I admire their enthusiasm for public nakedness I don’t really need to see a 70 year-old man’s wrinkly grey pubic hair when I’m trying to eat my kale at a vegan health food store.

Not content to merely appear naked in public the Canadian Prime Minister also defecated in a Bay Area Rapid Transit System station.

The Prime Minister is a serious man and he wanted a serious San Francisco experience.  Defecating in a BART station seemed like a good thing to do. Many homeless do it. And while the Prime Minister is technically not homeless his residence in Ottawa is an official residence and not his personal one. So in a way he is homeless. Therefore public defecation seemed only natural.

After defecating in the BART station the Prime Minister met with San Francisco mayor Mark Ferrell and expressed regret that his trip wasn’t longer.

The Prime Minister was also hoping to hyphenate his last name to make it sound more Mexican. He was then going to shoot a white girl. But there just wasn’t enough time. He intends to come back next year if possible and do these things.

Next up on the Prime Minister’s tour is Los Angeles where he plans to steal some copper and take part in a race riot. After that he travels to Guatemala where he is hoping to join the gang MS-13 and assassinate a rival cartel leader.


Penguin Angered by Gotham’s New Smoking Regulations!

Come on! This is my look!









Notorious Gotham villain Oswald Cobblepot, aka “The Penguin” has expressed his anger at the Gotham City Council for enacting a new series of anti-smoking laws.

“Come on. This is just prohibition all over” said the Penguin.

I’ve been smoking since I was 13 years old and I feel fine. Smoking relaxes me. Do you think it’s easy being a highly intelligent super villain from the upper class of Gotham’s elite?  You know how mean rich people are? It’s getting harder and harder to impress people anymore with my villainy. Just the other day I was at a party with Gotham’s rich and famous and one of them asked me what I had done lately. I told them I had created a dossier alleging Trump had Russian prostitutes pee on his bed. Then I gave it to John McCain who gave it to the FBI and CNN. You’d think they’d be impressed. Nope. Not one bit. I even told them I was spreading stories alleging Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 election. They just yawned. That’s why I smoke. It gets rid of my frustration. I even use a cigarette holder for class. Makes me look like Audrey Hepburn. No dice. No one is impressed. I hate rich people.

However because of Gotham’s new ban on smoking in public and private The Penguin will no longer be able to use his trademark cigarette holder.

What the hell am I supposed to put on the end of my cigarette holder? Bubblegum? Kale? Gotham has no right to restrict my freedom. My cigarette isn’t hurting anyone. My trick umbrella however kills people. You’d think they’d be more worried about that. But no. Apparently as long as I don’t put a bump stock on my umbrella I’m fine. But smoking? Suddenly that’s a moral evil. What the hell am I supposed to do now to relax? Yoga? Meditate? The only thing I want to meditate on is the downfall of Batman! Gotham better repeal these silly, puritanical regulations or I just might take my evil genius to another town. Maybe Poughkeepsie.  I hear that town is ripe for the plucking.

The Gotham City Council however has shown no signs of rescinding the regulations and has dispatched The Penguin’s arch-nemesis Batman to ask him to refrain from smoking.

Like I’m going to listen to Batman. He’s a nerd! Doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t drink. I visited the Bat Cave once and asked for an ash tray.I thought Robin was going to faint. I don’t know what the hell to do man.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 


The Penguin has announced that he is giving up cigarettes and will switch to vaping, or electronic cigarettes.

“They haven’t outlawed that yet, the bastards.”


Also Breaking News Also Breaking News Also Breaking News Also Breaking News


Gotham City Council has voted unanimously to ban electronic cigarettes.

“It’s about time. I just hope supervillains like The Penguin realize we are serious about protecting the health of our citizens” said council member Bruce Wayne.


Manhattan Infidel Presents the Broward County Sheriff Deputies’ Employment Exam

He’s got a gun! Run!











Dear applicant:

Thank you for your interest in working as a deputy for the Broward County Sheriff’s Department. Being a deputy demands a willingness to serve, attention to detail and grace under pressure.  Good luck with your exam ~ Broward County Sheriff’s Office.

You see a crime being committed by a student on school property. What do you do?

  1. Confront the offender and arrest him
  2. Confront the offender and give him a stern talking to, reminding him of his rights and responsibilities as a citizen of the United States
  3. It’s close to lunch time. Ignore the offense. (Union regulations and all that)
  4. Do not report the incident. You don’t want to drive up crime statistics and jeopardize that sweet, sweet Federal cash flow

You receive a domestic disturbance call stating that a young man is causing trouble and threatened to shoot up his school

  1. Go to the residence. Ascertain if anyone is in immediate danger. Arrest the non-compliant teenager
  2. Drive by the residence. If you don’t see anything don’t report anything
  3. Turn your police radio off.  It’s lunch time. (Union regulations and all that)
  4. Think before you act. Do you really want to make this an official crime? If no one is shot then no harm no foul

You receive over 39 calls to the same residence. You have received reports that the young man is dangerous. He has been expelled from school. Students are afraid he’ll come back with a gun

  1. Be proactive. Arrest the young man on any pretext and have him institutionalized. Mental health professionals might be able to help him
  2. Drive by the residence again. Perhaps the 40th time will take and he’ll straighten up and fly right
  3. Are you crazy? Go nowhere near the home. The Feds are always watching
  4. And what good would an arrest do? It will only drive up crime stats and might harm the defendant’s self esteem

There is an active shooter at the local high school. What do you do?

  1. Enter immediately and take out the shooter before any more lives are lost. Your job is to protect and defend
  2. Wait outside until the shooting is over. There is nothing you can do
  3. Seriously.  America is a gun crazy nation and our lax gun control laws led to this tragedy
  4. The Feds are watching.  Let the Coral Springs police enter and take out the gunman. Any action on your part will have to be entered in the logs and we must keep our crime stats down

Thank you applicant for taking this test. We shall contact you if we feel you are a good fit for our force. In the meantime stay away from the high school. Some crazy might shoot it up.



Manhattan Infidel’s Suggestions for Improving the Winter Olympics








With the Winter Olympics finally over I see that the ratings for NBC have crashed and burned harder than Paul Walker into a Santa Clarita lamp post.

Which only goes to prove my point. The Winter Olympics are like empathy: Everyone says they like it but most of us manage to lead productive and fulfilling lives without it.

But since my erstwhile colleagues at the Peacock network have paid more for the Olympics than Stevie Nicks on a 30-year coke binge I feel it is my duty to provide for them some tips on increasing viewership for future Winter Olympic games.

  • Guns guns guns!

Everyone loves the run and shoot. Why not combine the run and shoot with every competition? Just imagine the ratings if ice skaters were shot during their competitions? “He’s about to do his signature move and  oh……..shot through the head. That’s got to be tough for the plucky young skater. And here come the towel boys to mop the blood off the ice.”

Just picture how exciting downhill skiing will be if guns were involved. As to how they could be incorporated that would be up to the Olympic organizers. I suggest having the skiers carry rifles and shoot at the competition. Or perhaps have the audience armed and let them pick off the skiers as they fly by. Now I know what you are saying. “Manhattan Infidel that’s just cruel and guns are icky and un-American!” Perhaps. But the name of the game is to increase ratings and as we have seen with the recent school shooting in Florida networks respond to guns like puritans respond to prostitutes:  “I shouldn’t. It’s wrong. But I can’t help myself. I got to get me some of that!”  Making guns a part of every competition ensures that ratings will increase.

Besides, haven’t we all secretly wanted to see those goddamn curlers get shot up?

  • Homosexuals homosexuals homosexuals!

From Cole Porter to Barack Obama America loves homosexuals. Witness Adam Rippon who melted hearts across the nation with his saucy piqueness and well-informed, literate political commentary during the Olympics. And now, after finishing 10th, is a hot, in-demand commodity. Wait. He finished tenth?  Imagine if he had actually won something!

Going forward I propose that all Olympians be homosexual. Those who aren’t must sign a pledge stating that they will engage in homosexual activity at some point during the Olympics. Said homosexual activity can be limited to oral. And remember, if you beat them up afterwards it’s not gay! So no beating up your sexual partners. Unless they are Republicans who voted for Trump. How those people disgust me!

On a sad note NBC announcer Johnny Weir reportedly threw a fit because fellow homosexual Rippon was more popular than he was. Can’t we all just get along? What ever happened to the brotherhood of sisterhood?

Remember we have a common enemy: Those damn Christians!

Those are two suggestions I humbly submit to NBC that I believe will vastly improve their ratings. NBC might want to combine my suggestions and have an all “homosexuals with guns” Olympics. No one would be able to resist that.