Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg Indicts Ham Sandwich!

Show me the sandwich I’ll show you the crime!







Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg announced today that he has indicted a ham sandwich on 33 felony counts after a grand jury found that the ham sandwich was “delicious beyond legal means.

While Democrats have long sought to have the ham sandwich indicted, legal experts worry that the case against the sandwich is weak.

“Look this is the wrong case” said a law professor.

We have so many other things against the ham sandwich.  How the ham sandwich interfered in the 2020 elections.  How the ham sandwich was responsible for the J6 riots, the worst day in American history by the way. Why are we going after the sandwich for “deliciousness”?  Aren’t ham sandwiches supposed to be delicious?  No, this case is weak and will make it harder for us to go after the ham sandwich for other crimes.

When the indictment was announced all cable news networks interrupted their regular programming to focus on the decision.

“We got the ham sandwich!” declared Joe Scarborough from MSNBC.  “Finally the walls are closing in!”

“Ham sandwich indicted” said Don Lemon on CNN.

Of course it’s been indicted.  What do you expect from a sandwich on WHITE bread?  White bread is the bread of hatred. And this sandwich is racist! It would be different if the sandwich were on pumpernickel which is black or even wheat bread which is brown and I like to call “The Hispanic of breads.”  But a ham sandwich on WHITE bread?  That’s KKK food!

It has been announced that the District Attorney’s office is in negotiations with lawyers for the ham sandwich regarding how and when the sandwich will turn itself in for arraignment.

“We are worried about possible violence” said a source within the D.A.’s office.

The ham sandwich has many devoted followers and if they become violent then we’ll have a riot on our hands.  That’s why we are putting up barricades around our offices. This sandwich has a cult-like following.  You know how people are who like ham sandwiches.  They are all a bunch of deplorables.  They just aren’t sophisticated like those of us who work for the State.

Despite worries of violence, the District Attorney remains confident that his case will lead to a conviction and jail time for the ham sandwich.

“He’s looking forward to the perp walk” according to those in the know.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


The case against the ham sandwich has been thrown into turmoil after it was announced that Bragg (pictured here)

There is no evidence after it is eaten!








had eaten the evidence.

“We found him on the floor of his office with bits of ham around the corners of his mouth” said a detective.

With no evidence left the case against the ham sandwich has been dismissed.  D.A. Bragg had no comment as he left his office other than to burp and ask for honey mustard.

“You know mustard doesn’t have to be yellow to be good” he told reporters.



Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope! (The Domestic Terrorist Edition)

Please obey The State!








Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to present your daily horoscope.  Because, as a respected journalist domestic terrorist I will do anything to bring down The State.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You must not sit still this week, because the FBI thinks you are a domestic terrorist. The more you are out there traveling and mingling with all kinds of people the harder it will be for them to shoot you.  But don’t tell others that the FBI is after you because lets face it people are bastards and they will turn you in for the reward. Come to think of it, I’d turn you in for the reward.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you need to boost your earning power now is the time to rat out an Aquarius. I’m sure you know one the FBI is after. You won’t lack for money as this domestic terrorist has a huge reward on his head.  Remember: Take decisive action! Judas would not be remembered today if he had done nothing. He too turned in a domestic terrorist and was well-rewarded by The State.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you make a wish over the next few days there is every chance it will come true. With the Sun, Mercury and Jupiter all moving through your sign at the moment you have only to put a name to the domestic terrorist (probably an Aquarius) that you want to turn in and your dreams of financial success will become a reality. Hell, he can even be innocent but the important thing to remember is:  Turn in the Aquarius.  They are all scum.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It might be a smart move to keep your plans to yourself this week, especially if it involves committing an act of domestic terrorism with an Aquarius. Some of the people you have to deal with seem less than trustworthy. If they think they can get rich at your expense they won’t hesitate to do so. Don’t let that happen. I mean that last thing you want to do is rot in a DC jail without trial for two years while your former friends spend their reward money.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you play your cards right over the next few days you should be able to maneuver yourself into a position where you are the one who is calling the shots. As opposed to being shot.  Probably by the FBI.  Because you are committing an act of domestic terrorism with an Aquarius or a Taurus.  Stay away from school board meetings! They are hotbeds of dissent.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Employers and other important people (the FBI) will be watching you closely this week, so stay on your toes, do not use your cell phone and make sure you burn the incriminating evidence. Because as a Cancer does The State really need a reason to go after you?  I mean come on.  You’re a Cancer!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Just do what you have to do and do it well – unless of course it’s making bombs or dissenting from The State.  You know no one likes Leos so you already have a target on your back.  Lie low.  Let the Aquarius and Taurus take the heat. In fact turn them in.  No one will suspect you are really an FBI confidential informer.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

If your sixth sense tells you that something is a bit off you must take it seriously. People will be prodding at your mind to find out what is really going on and most likely they are FBI informers. Go to a safe house until the Aquarius and Taurus get arrested, then flee.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The more you strive to get along with others the more you will realize it’s not worth it and they are all a–holes. And probably FBI agents trying to entrap you.  Shoot them before they have that chance.  Just make sure no one sees you burying them in your backyard.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to think seriously about using your garage to hide the bodies.  Just tell the neighbors you are pouring a fresh load of concrete because you are renovating your house.  Hell, even throw in a new HVAC system to complete the ruse.  The FBI are incompetent and they will never figure it out. Just don’t do something stupid like vote Republican or tell people you believe in the Constitution.  The FBI may be incompetent but they are not fools. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) 

Cosmic activity in the most dynamic area of your chart will do wonders for your confidence and your general mood. Just pay no attention to your Scorpio neighbor laying a new floor in his garage.  It has nothing to do with you. And those trash bags he keeps carrying into the garage that are leaking blood?  Also none of your business.  Remember:  The State is your friend.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

No one likes you.  You are very boring.  Even the FBI didn’t want you as a confidential intelligence source. And no one will believe someone as boring as you can be a domestic terrorist.  So just give up.  Stay in your home and leave us all the hell alone. We find you offensive. In fact if we see you outside we will shoot you just as a matter of principle.  Also, your lucky number is seven.


Manhattan Infidel Presents My Exclusive Interview with the District Attorney for Manhattan, the Honorable Alvin Bragg

Alvin! Alvin!!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a man much in the news lately: The District Attorney for the island of Manhattan, Alvin Bragg.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. District Attorney.

AB:  Please, call me the man who used questionable legality to bring down Donald Trump.

MI:  Okay let’s talk about that.  Many lawyers, including many liberal lawyers who are not fans of Donald Trump, say your case is weak and unconstitutional.  How do you respond to that?

AB:  I’m just a humble district attorney.  What would I know about the Constitution?  Besides there is a higher principle at stake than a document made by white slave holders.

MI:  And that would be?

AB:  Getting Donald Trump!  We must get him, indict him and put him in jail so he’s never President again.

MI:  Well even if he’s convicted he can still run.  The Constitution only says that he must be 35 years old, a citizen and born in the United States.

AB:  Again, the Constitution is a racist, slave-holding document. We have a duty to ignore it.

MI:  Okay, well – 

AB:  Besides, Donald Trump!  Show me the man and I will show you the crime! Let our enemies know that anyone who attempts to oppose the will of The Party will be mercilessly crushed and destroyed!

MI:  Isn’t that what Stalin’s Police Chief Lavrentiy Beria said? Is it wise to imitate the Soviet Union?

[Lavrentiy Beria enters] 

Alvin Bragg is a great man and the Soviet Union could use him!












LB:  Hey Alvin. Love your your work.

AB:  Thank you.  I feel the same.

LB:  Anyway, just thought I’d drop by and tell you how much I admire you.  If anyone needs me I’ll be raping teenage girls.

[Beria leaves]

AB:  You see!  There are many who support me.

MI:  Yes.  But back to your prosecution of Trump. The Constitution prevents Bills of Attainder and it seems like your pursuit of him is exactly that.

AB:  [Sighs]  Again with the Constitution. It’s a slave document my people refuse to acknowledge.  

MI:  By your people you mean blacks?

AB:  No.  I mean Democrats.

[He notices Manhattan Infidel’s lunch]

AB:  Hey is that a cheeseburger?  I haven’t eaten in 15 minutes.

[He grabs the cheeseburger and proceeds to consume it]

MI:  Okay Alvin?  Alvin? ALVIN!

[Alvin the chipmunk enters] 

Did someone mention my name?







AC:  Christmas, Christmas time is near/Time for toys and time for cheer/We’ve been good, but we can’t last/Hurry Christmas, hurry fast

MI:  Excuse me.  Will you shut up!

AC:  But don’t you want me to sing?

MI:  No I was interviewing the district attorney.  Please leave now.

AC:  Jeesh.  Touchy aren’t you.  Oh well, I’m off to the park.  There’s a nice lady there who feeds me bread.

MI:  Mr. Bragg?  Mr. District Attorney?

AB:  Shut up.  I’m eating.  God I’m so hungry I could eat a chipmunk.

[He grabs Alvin the Chipmunk and bites into him, tearing off chunks of flesh]

AC:  [Screaming]  Oh god I’m being eaten alive!  Somebody help me!

MI:  I’m out of here.

AC:  Wait, wait, help me!  You’re my only hope, human!

[Alvin Bragg eats Alvin the Chipmunk entirely]

AB:  Not bad.  Could have used siracha.

And so ended my interview* with the District Attorney for the County of New York.

*Note:  Interview may have been made up. To my friends at the FBI, this is satire and please do not arrest me.



Peaceful Wiccan of the East Killed by Shoddy Contractors!

This death could have been prevented!









A local wiccan, known as the “Peaceful Wiccan of the East” was killed today when a house fell on her.

“It was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen” said a witness.

The Peaceful Wiccan of the East was gathering food to give to the homeless – it was one of her many acts of kindness – when this truck rolled by with a house that was being moved.  Well I guess the house wasn’t properly secured because it rolled right off the truck and right onto the poor wiccan. It all happened so fast.  Before I even had a chance to shout “Look out!” she was underneath the house.

The contractors who were moving the house were from Oz Contractors and their slogan is “We promise not to drop the house on you.”

Obviously they didn’t live up to their promise.  The contractor who was driving the truck got out, looked at the feet sticking out from under the house and said “Dammit now I have to fill out an accident report.  This is probably coming out of my paycheck!” Like we were supposed to have any sympathy for him.

The wiccan’s sister, the Peace Loving Wiccan of the West,

Contractors are all crooks!







was informed of her death and was soon on the scene.

“I couldn’t believe my sister was dead” she said.

I looked up to her. She taught me everything about being a peaceful wiccan. And there she was!  Crushed under a house. It was then that I noticed that her red ruby slippers were missing. I turned around and some girl named Dorothy from Kansas was wearing them. What the hell?  Is that what they do there?  Take trophies off dead bodies? And then this bitch has the nerve to say to me “Sorry about killing your sister the Wicked Witch of the East.”  Wicked Witch? We are peaceful Wiccans.  I don’t know what that red state hick was told about us but she’s just ignorant. I pleaded with her to give me my sister’s slippers.  She refused.  I didn’t want to start a confrontation.  That’s not what wiccans are all about.  So I told her I was going to contact my lawyer and that I’d see her in court. 

As for Dorothy,

Intolerant, hate-filled red state hick!









it was her house that was being moved and she felt that she had a right to the ruby slippers.

“This house has already cost me so much money” she said.

Why not take the slippers?  I deserve them.  It’s a consolation for all the trouble this fixer upper has caused.  All I wanted to do was move it to the lot I owned.  We’re already behind schedule and over budget, what with replacing the whole HVAC system and plumbing. Now this!  My contractor tells me that it’ll cost at least another five thousand to remove the dead body and wash any pulpy body parts off that the Board of Health might flag. It’s just one headache after another.  Next time I’m just buying a turnkey ready home. F*cking contractors!

As for the Peaceful Wiccan of the West, she has considered asking the Mayor of Munchkinland

Typical political scum!









to intervene.

“I thought about it.  But he’s a Democrat you know.  He’s probably too busy taking money from China to care about justice for one wiccan.”


Mickey and Minnie Mouse to Divorce!

Mickey and Minnie in happier times









America and the world were shocked today when it was announced that Mickey and Minnie Mouse were going to divorce. Long thought to be one of Hollywood’s “dream” couples sources on the inside tell us that behind the scenes tension between the two had been building for some time.

“They had grown apart” said one insider at Disney.

When they met and married they were peas in a pod.  Virtually inseparable.  But over time Mickey got more and more caught up in the Hollywood lifestyle, while Minnie was a stay at home girl.  This would cause problems when Mickey would come home smelling of other women. Minnie obviously didn’t like that one bit.

When Minnie suggested counseling to settle their differences Mickey became enraged and accused Minnie of “not being with it.”

“Mickey had an insatiable sexual appetite” according to a friend.

Women used to throw themselves at Mickey and Mickey found it hard to resist. Soon he was staying out all night at parties (usually held at Porky Pig’s residence where pants were optional.)  I don’t know how Minnie put up with it.  She must be a saint.

Despite her moral misgivings about Mickey’s lifestyle Minnie was desperate to save the marriage.  She even agreed to go to one of Porky Pig’s sex parties with Mickey.

“Mickey was hoping she’d be into it” said one person.

Needless to say it did not have the desired effect. Minnie watched in horror as her husband sodomized Snow White while shouting “Take all of Mickey, bitch!  Once you have mouse you never go back!”

[Ed Note:  Admit it.  You just read that in Mickey Mouse’s voice, didn’t you?]

Horrified by what she had seen, Minnie ran home, packed her bags and moved out of their residence.

While the exact terms of the divorce have not been made public it is thought to be one of the more expensive in Hollywood history, with Minnie retaining their three homes and getting 50 percent of Mickey’s royalties.

Mickey appears to be unfazed by the divorce and was seen in a tattoo parlor today with Pete Davidson

Bitches love us!











where they were getting matching “Bitches Love Us” tattoos while discussing which Kardashian sister they were going to sleep with that night.

Meanwhile Minnie has been seen around town with her new man, Elmer Fudd.

Minnie’s new man!











“Elmer is an honorable man” said Minnie.  “And with his collection of guns I will never feel threatened again.”


My Exclusive Interview with Pluto

Pluto wants respect!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing Pluto, a dwarf planet in our solar system.

MI:  Good afternoon Pluto.

Pluto:  Good – hey, did you just call me a dwarf planet?

MI:  Well that is your official designation according to the International Astronomical Union.  They downgraded you to a dwarf planet because they feel you’re not large enough to be a planet.

Pluto:  Isn’t that just like you Earthers!  So chauvinistic and bigoted!  It’s all about you!

MI:  Jeesh. Touchy aren’t you.  Still you have to admit you are pretty small. A dwarf planet.

Pluto:  I’m a planet!  Not like everybody says.  I’m a planet and I want respect!

MI:  You’re a nice little dwarf planet. You even have a heart on your surface. 

Who’s an adorable little dwarf planet?







 MI: It’s adorable.  Who’s a cute little dwarf planet?  

Pluto:   That’s not a heart!  It’s the Tombaugh Regio.  It’s a distinctive geological feature of mine! I’m not cute.  I’m a badass.  I’m a badass planet!

MI:  Sure you are. If it makes you feel good to say that then keep on saying it.

Pluto:  Dammit if you keep riding me like this I’ll leave my orbit, smash into Earth and cause massive devastation and destruction. Your quality of life will go down considerably!

MI:  So you’re a socialist?

Pluto:  That does it.  I’m getting my daddy, Neptune.

[Neptune enters] 

Big Daddy Neptune









Neptune:  What’s going on here?

Pluto:  He’s being mean to me.

Neptune:  Are you being mean to my son?

MI:  All I said was that he was an adorable little dwarf planet.

Pluto:  Make him stop!

Neptune: Hey Earther, kiss my ice giant dick!

[Neptune and Pluto leave]

MI:  Well that was pleasant. Who knew planets could be that sensitive?

[Pluto from Walt Disney enters] 

Definitely not a dwarf planet!












Walt Disney Pluto:  Hey.

MI:  Hey.

Walt Disney Pluto:  I understand you want to interview me?

MI:  No.  I wanted to interview the planet Pluto.

Walt Disney Pluto:  Oh.  Then I guess I’ll be on my way.

MI:  I guess.


Walt Disney Pluto:  Have you seen my balls?  Mickey took me to the vet last week and when I woke up they were missing. I think the rat did something.

MI:  Sorry haven’t seen them.

Walt Disney Pluto:  Motherf*cking rat!

[Pluto leaves]

MI:  I guess the interview is over.  Once again I’d like to thank my corporate sponsors who make this blog possible.  What?  I have no corporate sponsors?  Then it’s back to the bar for me then.


My Exclusive Interview with The Blob!

Blobs just want to have fun!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a visitor from another world who goes by the moniker of “The Blob.”

MI:  Good afternoon Blob.

B:  Please, call me Ralph.  That’s my name.  I don’t know why you humans call me The Blob.  Frankly it’s kind of insulting and hurtful.  I am not a blob.  I’m big-boned, that’s all.

MI:  Okay Blob – 

B:  Ralph!

MI:  Sorry.  Ralph.  My readers want to know why Earth?  Why have you come to this planet?

B:  I came to get my freak on.

MI:  What?

B:  Hey, the entire Milky Way knows that Earth girls are easy. Everyone in the Galaxy has been coming here for centuries now, blending in with you and doing the nasty.

MI:  I did not know that.

B:  How else do you explain Canadians?  Come on.  You didn’t think Canadians were human, did you?  It’s so obvious they are from……someplace else.

MI:  Well that explains a lot actually.

B:  Anyway I’m just here to have a good time.  I wish you humans would leave me alone.

MI:  That would be hard with all the death.  You do consume humans. 

Better than a plant-based diet!








B:  Everyone’s got to eat.  And humans are delicious.  So pulpy and fleshy.  I mean yeah, I guess you guys have a right to be upset but what else was I supposed to eat? Do you want me to go on a plant-based diet?  Do I look that stupid?

MI:  No. No you don’t.

B:  And you humans have a lot to answer for as well.  I had just landed on your planet, all dressed up and ready to mingle when some old guy starts poking me with a stick. 

Nasty old man!









How would you like it if somebody started poking your orifices?  You probably wouldn’t tolerate it.

MI:  No I wouldn’t.

B:  So I ate the old bastard.  It was self-defense!

MI:  I guess it was.  It sounds like your visit to Earth has not been as pleasant as you had hoped.  Surely there must be one highlight?

B:  I did get to meet Steve McQueen. 

Steve McQueen is a dangerous killer!








MI:  That must have been exciting.  Did you get his autograph?

B:  No.  There wasn’t enough time.  He immediately started trying to kill me. What is it with you humans?

MI:  I apologize on behalf of my planet.

B:  Eh, no hard feelings.  I guess I’ll forgive you.  Shake on it?

[The Blob grabs Manhattan Infidel’s hand and starts to consume it] 

Never shake hands with the Blob!







MI:  What are you doing?

B: I’m eating your hand.  I know.  I know. I shouldn’t. I feel like such a glutton.  I’ll go to a plant-based diet tomorrow I promise.

MI:  Come on!  We talked about this.  Give me my hand back!

[The Blob spits out Manhattan Infidel’s hand]

B:  Very well you big baby.  Take your hand back. Truth be told it didn’t taste that good anyway. It was kind of dry and crackly.  Have you considered hand lotion?

And so ended my interview with the otherworldly visitor.  You know I shouldn’t be too hard on him.  He did give me good advice about hand lotion.


Pinocchio Regrets Becoming Human!

What the hell? This is being human?









Former puppet and now fully human Pinocchio today expressed regrets about his transformation and talked about his desire to return to puppet form.

“I never asked for this” said the distressed former puppet.

I was happy as a puppet. I had no worries.  It was my creator who wished this upon me.  Then this stupid blue non-binary fairy made me human. Now I have to worry about a lot of crap I never had to before. And speaking of crap, look at my underwear.  That stuff is smelly and disgusting. The first time that came out of me I panicked and starting running around shouting “Help me I’m leaking!”  Everyone else started laughing.  “Relax man, you just crapped your pants” one guy told me. Why?  What’s the point of that bodily function.  I never had to do that when I was a puppet.

In addition to his bodily functions Pinocchio had to come to terms with his new “biologically correct” body.

What is this thing between my legs? I never had that before. I was curious so I remember walking up to this guy in a bar, taking it out and saying “What do I do with this?”  He beat me up. Though I understand that in some bars if I do that I will be very popular. It also feels good when I touch it.  I was was on this bus and I took it out and started touching it. Someone screamed and the next thing I know I was in jail. I’ll have to research what to do with it some more.  Everyone has different answers.  Someone said its purpose was so that I could be fruitful and multiply. I don’t know about multiplying.  I was never very good at math even before I became human. Another person, she called herself a “feminist” whatever that is, said it was used to oppress and enslave her entire gender. Gosh, I don’t want to oppress and enslave anybody.  So I went into the emergency room and asked them if they could remove it. Everyone seemed very helpful and they put me on some hormones that make me feel funny.

But the biggest adjustment Pinocchio had to make was the slow decay of time.

Some days I’m in a lot of pain when I get up and my ankles are swollen. I went to a doctor and he told me I had issues with my heart.  It wasn’t beating properly.  Again, this is something I never had to deal with when I was a puppet. Also my fingers are misshapen and hurt a lot.  The doctor told me it was arthritis. I asked if anything could be done.  He just shrugged and said “live with it” and that I’d have it until the day I die. Die?  What the hell is death? He told me that one day my body will give out and I will be judged.  I will get to heaven if I’ve been good or if I’ve been bad I’ll end up in hell where I’ll be tormented by demons for eternity.  Seriously? This being human sucks. I’d give it half a star out of five.

The frustrated Pinocchio then threw his hands up in the air.

“Screw it.  I’ll be at the bar.  Hey, does anyone know of a good hangover cure?”


My Exclusive Interview with Don Lemon

Women over 40 are disgusting!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing CNN personality Don Lemon.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Lemon.

DL:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  You recently came in for a lot of criticism when you said that women who are over 40 are past their prime.

DL:  I misspoke.

MI:  Really?  Well that’s good to know – 

DL:  What I really meant to say is that all women are past their prime.

MI:  All women?

DL:  Yes. This would be a much better world without women. 

MI:  That’s quite a statement.

DL: Women are evil!

MI:  I don’t know about that. Where does this hatred of women come from?

DL:  I saw a vagina once!  It was like staring into the abyss of death!

MI:  That’s an overreaction don’t you think?

DL:  I felt cold and clammy and my breath got shallow.  I remember thinking “Is this death?”  I went blind for a year.  The doctor said it was hysterical blindness.  I’ve heard that people who see visions of hell sometimes lose their sight.

MI:  For god’s sake it was just a vagina!

[Anderson Cooper enters the room] 

Vaginas are not my area of expertise

AC:  Hey Don who are you talking to?

DL:  Manhattan Infidel.  He has a blog.

AC:  Hello Manhattan Infidel. I’m always up for meeting a fellow member of the press.  What are you talking about?

MI:  Vaginas.

AC:  Not my area of expertise.  But I did see a vagina once.  I went blind for a year.

DL:  So did I!

AC:  It was like looking into the abyss of death.


AC:  My god what is that over there?

MI:  It’s a ham sandwich.  It’s my lunch.

AC:  The ham reminds me of the time I looked at a vagina!  Am I staring into the abyss of death again?

DL:  Hold me, Anderson I’m scared.

AC:  Oh my god!  I’ve gone blind again!

DL:  Me too!  Help us Manhattan Infidel!  You must be our eyes.

MI:  Um.  Well actually I have to go.

DL & AC:  Don’t leave us blind and at the mercy of vaginas!  Have some compassion!

MI:  Turn out the lights when you leave.

DL & AC:  Turn out the lights? Is this some kind of cruel joke? We’re both blind!  How can we live in a world with so much pain and misery and vaginas?

And so ended my interview with the two CNN personalities.  Mm.  This ham sandwich does taste great.


Pope Francis Names FBI Director Christopher Wray a Cardinal!

The FBI hates Catholics almost as much as I do!








Pope Francis today named Christopher Wray, head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as the Catholic Church’s newest cardinal.

“Everywhere I look I see danger in our buildings and meetings places” said the Pope.

There is a dangerous spirit afoot.  A spirit of extremism.  A spirit that denies elections and the truth of climate change.  They call themselves “Catholics.”  Obviously we cannot have these dangerous extremists polluting our temples.  That is why I have named Christopher Wray a Cardinal in the Church.  He has a long history of dealing with extremism caused by white supremacy.  He knows how to rout it out. And he hates Catholics almost as much as I do.

Christopher Wray then thanked the Pope for his appointment.

“I have no idea what a Cardinal does” said Wray.

But I’ve been told it has something to do with politics and arresting white supremacist extremists.  Since I am already doing that this appointment will help solidify my power and ability to fight extremism.  And Catholicism is the most vicious form of extremism.  I’d like to express my gratitude to Pope Francis for this opportunity and I promise I won’t let him down.  Together we will save the Catholic Church from Catholics.

Wray then announced a joint FBI/Church operation called “Get ’em while they kneel.”

These extremists aren’t very smart.  We know where they hang out. I have instructed agents around the United States to be on the lookout for people acting suspiciously. Already this operation has produced dramatic results.  We approach suspected extremists and say “Dominus Vobiscum.”  If they respond “Et cum spiritu tuo” we arrest them on the spot. It only pains me that we have to use due process with these lowlifes.  Well, they will get fair trials.  In another decade or so.  Until then they will rot in our prisons.

During the press conference the heroic, steely-eyed Director noticed someone wearing a scapular.

“He’s one of them!” shouted the Director.

He then fired five times, taking the extremist down.

Normally I could have taken him with one shot.  You know these extremists refuse to go easily. That’s how much they want to destabilize our society.

“God is great” exclaimed Francis.  “Inshallah, inshallah!”

Director and new Cardinal Wray also announced that he intends to ask President Biden for emergency powers to round up the extremist Catholics.

“Our country hasn’t seen a crisis like this since the dark days following Pearl Harbor.”

Cardinal Christopher Wray ended the press conference by refusing to answer questions and saying that he needed to get on an airplane back to the United States as soon as possible.

“Well crap” said the Pope. “He promised to introduce me to Kim Kardashian.”