The guilt I feel at being white is enormous!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Late Night talk show host Stephen Colbert.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Colbert.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You host CBS’ Late Night show, replacing David Letterman.  Those must be big shoes to fill.

SC: Not at all. David and I have much in common.

MI: Oh?  Such as?

SC: We’re both incredibly talented, incredibly white, incredibly privileged because of our whiteness and we both hate Donald Trump.

MI: Yes you are incredibly white.  I’m not sure if I would call you incredibly talented. I’ve never found you funny.

SC: That’s good. That’s good you say that.

MI: Why?

SC: As a privileged white man it is good for me to hear the truth occasionally before reverting back into my privileged white cocoon.  I am privileged. So very, very privileged. Extremely privileged. My white privilege has gotten me my TV show. If I were black would I have a talk show?

MI: Why not?  Many blacks have had talk shows.

SC: Name one.

MI: Arsenio Hall.

SC: I said a black man.

MI: Montel Williams?

SC: A BLACK man!

MI: Steve Harvey?

SC:  An empty suit and a ‘stache.  No. I see nothing on TV but privileged white men such as myself.  White privilege. I live with it. It fills me with deep shame.

MI: You keep talking about white privilege. I’m white. I’ve never experienced any of this so-called privilege.

SC: Yes but you’re low class. Not elite and intelligent like I am.

MI:I  see. Now – 

SC: I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to divest myself of my white privilege.

[Colbert drops his pants, squats and proceeds to defecate on the floor]

MI: What the hell are you doing?

SC:  I’m divesting myself of my white privilege by squatting and shitting on the floor like black Americans do. Toilets are white privilege!

MI: That’s disgusting and I’m pretty sure blacks use toilets.

SC: But why? Are they trying to be white?

MI: No. Just clean.

[Colbert takes his cell phone and smashes it. He then proceeds to start a small fire]

MI: What the hell?

SC: Cell phones are a symptom of my extreme white privilege. I shall now communicate exclusively through smoke signals as native Americans do.

MI: I’m pretty sure Indians use cell phones.

SC: How do you know? Have you ever been to a casino? 

MI: No.

SC: Then you’re ignorant. Go to a casino before you presume to tell me what native Americans do or do not do.

[Colbert proceeds to urinate in a cup and drink the contents]

MI: What the – that’s just nasty!

SC: Access to fresh running water is white privilege. Many peoples of color have to drink their urine to survive.

MI: I don’t think that’s true.

SC:  Oh god I’m privileged!  I’m privileged! Take my privilege from me!

[Colbert runs off]

MI: Well, bye I guess. The man’s crazy.

And so ended my interview with the very privileged Stephen Colbert. To all my readers: If you find yourself suffering from any white privilege please send some my way. I’d appreciate it.

(5)

Vote for me. I’ll slash our debt!

The powerful mutant known as Wolverine has announced that he will run for president in 2020.

“In my travels across this great land of ours I have noticed a few things” said Wolverine.

One: Citizens are concerned about the growing power of our government and how it tramples certain bedrock principles. Two: Our debt is unsustainable and we must pay it down. Three:  Patrick Stewart is crazy and scares mutants. Four: Chicks dig my claws. Well I’m glad someone likes them. Did you ever try to do crunches with these claws?  Damn if I don’t have lacerations all down the back of my neck. But I digress. I want to talk about my platform. I will reduce the size of our Federal government. I will return power to the states as our Constitution envisioned. I will stop out of control spending and reduce our deficit. I will find Patrick Stewart and kill him.  It doesn’t have to be Patrick Stewart.

The enemy of the people!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any bald man in a wheelchair will do. And finally, I will make America great again with my claws, which chicks really dig. And like I said I’m glad someone like my claws. You ever try urinating when you have claws?  I have to point and shoot and hope I make the urinal because holding it in my hands can be extremely dangerous. I don’t want to damage my member because chicks really dig my claws.  Oh, and I forgot. My  adamantium skeleton will give me steel to stand up to Putin and Russian collusion. So vote for me!

While many are calling Wolverine’s candidacy a “game-changer” he doesn’t come without baggage that political opponents will be able to use against him.

“Does Wolverine care about the rights of black people?” asked one talking head at CNN.

How do we know he won’t use his claws to attack black people? How do we know he won’t use his claws for some sort of modern high-tech lynching of black people?  Wolverine talks about slashing the debt? That’s a racist dog whistle if there ever was one. How is he going to reduce our debt? By cutting spending! That hurts black people! Black people need the Federal Government to spend money on them!

Wolverine has also yet to clarify his position on the dangers of climate change.

“Climate change is the biggest threat to our country today” said Joe Scarborough of MSNBC’s Morning Joe show.

If climate change isn’t stopped, if we don’t outlaw high-flush toilets and 100-watt light bulbs for the masses soon the ocean side manors of the elite will be under water. And I’m sure we can all agree that the needs of the many must be subsumed to the needs of the few. Wolverine must address this issue before he gets my vote.

Despite this opposition, Wolverine says he looks forward to getting his message across and highly anticipates debating his most likely opponent Elizabeth Warren.

“I will destroy her. Though I mean that in a totally not ripping her face off with my claws way. The claws chicks dig.”

(8)

You shall have no other gorilla but me!

My day began, as all Manhattan Infidel’s days begin, emptying the ash trays and collecting the empty bottles of whiskey to put in the recyclables, when a great flash of light appeared in my four bedroom three bedroom two bedroom one bedroom studio apartment.

Am I having an aneurysm or did one of the florescent lights suddenly kick in?

All I knew was that I felt terror at first. But then a strange sense of calm, as if I were in the presence of love. I soon became aware that I was not alone.

I looked up and behold Harambe appeared to me.

“I am Harambe, the lowland gorilla. You shall have no other gorilla but me” he said.

Instinctively I genuflected in front of him.

“Depart from me Harambe, for I am unworthy.”

Harambe beckoned me to rise and approach him.

“Do not be afraid, human” the gentle lowland gorilla said to me.

I have forgiven humans for shooting me.  I have come to ask that all humans forgive each other as I have forgiven you. For if you do not forgive each other then you shall have no mercy from Harambe. Do unto others as you would do unto yourself. You know I wish someone had told the guy at the Cincinnati zoo who shot me this.  I mean how would he like it if he were just minding his own business when a small human child falls into his enclosure and then he gets shot? For what? I wasn’t going to hurt the kid. Harambe is all about peace and love. Well except for the jackhole who shot me perhaps. I tell you if I ever meet him on the other side I’m going to rip his face off. Rip it right off. But Harambe digresses. Love one another. For as I have loved you,  you should love one another. But I must go now.

I pleaded with Harambe not to depart.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked.

“I must go” said the gentle lowland gorilla.

But actually before I go can I use your bathroom?  I mean I’ve been crapping in the woods and I think I have a rash on my ass.  Some toilet paper would help Harambe. And some witch hazel. You have any human?

I told Harambe I had both and led him to the bathroom and stood outside while he did his business. In a few minutes Harambe emerged.

“Sorry but do you have a plunger by any chance” he asked me.

Harambe has been eating a lot of bananas and they go right through me if you know what I mean. Sorry about that. But a plunger would really make Harambe love you even more than he already does.

I gave Harambe my plunger and watched as he cleaned up the toilet. When he was finished he handed me the still wet plunger.

“Thanks, mate. Oh, and can I bum a cigarette from you?”

I told the gentle lowland gorilla that I did not smoke.

“No big deal. What about a beer? Harambe could really wet his whistle before he leaves.”

I handed Harambe a beer from my fridge.

“Corona? What are you, a faggot? Don’t you have a Guinness?”

I told him I didn’t like Guinness and that’s when the gentle lowland gorilla hit me over the head with the bottle of Corona.

“Who doesn’t have any f*cking Guinness in their refrigerator.  Whatever punk. I’m out of here. Thanks for the witch hazel and remember to love one another as I have loved you.”

As Harambe left I remember saying to myself that I must follow Harambe for now I know what love is.

Of course it might have been the blood loss.

(10)

Upper body strength!

Captain Kirk, recently returned from a mirror universe admitted today that, for all its faults, the mirror universe had “possibilities.”

“Sure the other universe was violent” said Kirk.

And bloodthirsty. And one moved up in rank by assassinating people. But really is that so different from our universe? What’s worse?  Killing someone to advance or spreading rumors about them to Star Fleet command? Not that I’ve even done that, mind you. Though one time I did tell Captain Christopher Pike that there was no danger of Delta radiation. Hey, he was standing in my way of a promotion. I can’t be held responsible if the idiot believed me and is now in a wheelchair. 

Whoops! My bad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But anyway back to my point. Killing people to advance just seems more honest. Way more honest. And manly. And speaking of manly I had a cool uniform in the other universe. No sleeves! That showed off my physique and massive upper body strength.  Chicks dig upper body strength. And a full head of hair but I don’t want to talk about that. So yeah, I was scoring like there was no tomorrow.

Kirk also admitted to liking the concept of a “Captain’s woman.”

So I get back to my cabin hoping to relax and what do you think I have waiting for me? A woman. 

Dedicated to servicing her captain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And not one I had to pay for or chase after but a woman dedicated to servicing all my needs. They call her “The Captain’s Woman” in that universe. It was like having a wife. Except for the servicing all my needs part. Frankly I think that’s why Spock got out of his marriage during the Ponn Farr. But any way what was I saying? Oh yes. She was dedicated to servicing all my needs. And I’m thinking “Hot diggity!” This is my chance to finally do that thing involving a fire hose and lots of lubrication. Most women balk at that. But if she really is the captain’s woman then she has no choice. So you can see this alternate universe had some definite advantages.

Kirk was tempted to stay but received pushback from the other crew members he was trapped with.

Scotty didn’t give me that much of a problem. Apparently alcoholism is the norm in that universe. But McCoy and Uhuru were such pussies. Uhuru kept telling me she hated this universe because she was expected to sleep with Sulu. Why would you sleep with a gay man I asked her? Apparently it was one of the weirder things about that place. So I agreed to go back home.

Still, Kirk didn’t return without bringing a little something back with him.

“I brought the Tantalus field with me. 

Doesn’t use Windows 10

Imagine being able to kill your enemies at the touch of a button.  I just hope the operating system isn’t Windows 10 because I don’t have time for all those updates.”

(10)

Not inherently evil but made so by his facial hair

Lieutenant Commander Spock of the evil mirror universe has shaved his goatee.

“I had a long talk with Kirk” said the formerly pure evil Spock.

Not my Kirk but the one from the good universe. He told me that my universe was illogical and cannot endure.  That got me. Bastard hit a nerve by playing the logical card on me. He knows no Vulcan can resist it. But it got me to thinking. What if he were correct? What if this violent universe were illogical and could not survive?  Perhaps a change could take place and we could become less brutal? And how would we become less brutal? That’s when I decided to shave my goatee. Because it’s my goatee that makes me evil. That’s a totally logical assessment.

Indeed after Spock became clean shaven crew members aboard the Enterprise noticed a significant drop in Spock’s evil behavior.

“Spock used to love to torture me with the agonizer” said one crewman.

I remember once I was sloppy at the controls of the transporter and Spock damn near killed me with the agonizer. The whole time I could see his goatee out of the corner of my eye.  Damn evil goatee. But yeah, I’ve been agonized so many times by Spock. But since he shaved it’s different. I screwed up again at the transporter. Normally he wouldn’t hesitate to use the agonizer on me. But this time he just put his hand on my shoulder and  said “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Don’t get me wrong. I like how he’s trying to encourage me and build up my confidence. But now that he’s not so evil I kind of have less respect for him.

Another crew member tells a similar tale.

“I tried to assassinate Captain Kirk” said Ensign Chekov.

No agony booth for me!

I was unsuccessful. Normally that would land me a round in the agony booth. At the top agony inducing level. For a long period of time. I was prepared for the agony booth when Spock intercepted me. He asked me if I was sorry for trying to assassinate Kirk. I wasn’t but hell I’ll play along. I said yeah I was. That’s when Spock put his hand on my shoulder and said “As long as you’re sorry we’ll forget it ever happened” and he let me go. I guess I should be thankful. But without the goatee he’s just weak. I’ll probably assassinate him next week. Then I’ll throw all my enemies in the agony booth. See how they like it!

Sans goatee and with the formerly pure evil Spock acting almost like middle level management evil, discipline on the Enterprise has suffered, leading to much crew grumbling.

“I should take over the ship” said Sulu.

Pure gay evil

If no one wants to be evil anymore I’ll do it. I’m evil. Very evil. How evil am I? I’m a gay man who spends most of his time trying to hook up with Uhuru. If that isn’t evil then I don’t know what evil is.

Spock acknowledges that some of the crew have had trouble adjusting to his new mild persona but says that in the long run the Enterprise will be better.

“Without that evil goatee I find I no longer want to hurt people. The crew will thank me. Or kill me. I hope it’s the former. Killing me would be logical but sometimes you just have to say ‘Logic be damned.’ “

(6)