May my abdication bring peace!

After months of civil unrest and a series of stinging military defeats at the hands of the elf and reindeer resistance, Santa Claus has been forced to abdicate.

Standing by a helicopter that would take him into exile Santa addressed those still loyal to him.

“My fellow North Poleans” began the erstwhile leader.

Today is a sad day. A sad day for me who is losing his power base, a sad day for children around the globe, but mostly a sad day for you elves and reindeer who have been loyal to me as you will no doubt be executed once I leave. But leave I must as my situation has become untenable. I leave you now with affection for all of you in my heart. I will remember you and will not watch the news reports of your executions. Good bye and I hope you die quickly.

And with those words the only ruler of the North Pole the world has ever known flew off into exile, while loyal elves and reindeer stood helplessly on the roof of Santa’s home desperately trying to cling to the helicopter as it left.

“It was amazing” said a resistance fighter as he watched the helicopter disappear.

Some of the reindeer and elves clung to the copter as long as they could until they fell to the ground. How can anyone with a soul not feel sad at that sight? Of course those that survived the fall we immediately executed. You know. Just lined them up and shot ’em all in the back of the head. The crying of the children was heart wrenching. How can anyone with a soul not be moved by that. Of course after we shot them they were quiet. But in war one has to occasionally execute collaborators. No one likes doing it. It’s like getting rid of an inch-long skin tag stuck to the side of your inner thigh. Dirty, painful work but it has to be done.

The helicopter carrying Santa, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s rumored lover Rudolph landed at the first safe airfield where they boarded a plane that took them to the United States where Santa was to relocate.

After landing at JFK Airport in Queens, New York, Santa was driven in a limo to MSNBC studios in Midtown for an exclusive interview with Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski (pictured here).

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski

In the interview Santa expressed regret over his loyal elves and reindeer who were executed and lamented the fact that he was unable to bring them.

Mika Brzezinski: Santa while we all admire your strong stand against climate change, why didn’t you bring your loyal followers with you?

Santa:  There was only so much space in the helicopter. It was a heartbreaking decision.

Joe Scarborough: Do you blame Donald Trump for their deaths?

Santa:Yes. Yes I do. Trump is mentally unstable and a white nationalist.

With the interview over Santa drove to his multi-million dollar condo on Central Park west to begin his new life.

“I will always fight for internationalism, inclusion and tolerance” said Santa at an impromptu press conference.

“Now if you excuse me Rudolph and I, um I mean Mrs. Claus and I, would like some privacy.”

The number of reindeer and elves executed in the North Pole is as yet unknown but sources say it could be as high as 1000.  The North Pole Resistance denies any responsibility for the killings and blames Santa for his unjust policies.

(14)

This logo will bring peace and other diseases to the North Pole

With the North Pole disintegrating into civil war, the United Nations voted unanimously (Iran and Ireland abstaining) to send peacekeeping troops to the war-torn country.

The expected move was not without controversy.

“We don’t want them here” said Santa, who has been waging an increasingly bitter war to keep the elves and reindeer down.

This is an internal matter. Families have arguments. We are a family here at the North Pole. Right now the elves, reindeer and I are not on the best of terms. But I’m hoping to resolve the issue and return peace to our town. You know this whole thing could have been avoided if they (the elves and reindeer) had only agreed to pay the carbon emissions tax and not put on those silly yellow vests.

Sources say that Santa has good reason to not want the UN peacekeeping force deployed as his ruthless tactics in the civil war would be exposed. Particularly controversial is his gassing of the reindeer and elf civilians and the “psych op” warfare tactics he has deployed as a means of demoralizing the opposition, including opening up several restaurants in the North Pole that serve only venison.

“Those restaurants were a cruel blow” said one reindeer.

Almost as cruel as him deploying methane bombs over the North Pole. The smell was horrible. It burned! The female deer were gasping and collapsing in the street. I know Santa eats a lot of pizza but really! Where the hell did he get all that methane? I bet you the Chinese sold it to him.

But even the elves and reindeer have reason to not want the peacekeepers stationed in the North Pole.

“I was vacationing in Haiti once” said an elf.

What? Can’t an elf vacation in Haiti? Anyway the peacekeepers were there and we knew what they were up to. When they weren’t raping the Haitians they were giving them infectious diseases. They even raped Bill Clinton when he showed up to collect his money for the Clinton Foundation.  So yeah, I’d stay the hell away from UN peacekeepers.

Despite opposition from both sides in the war the first batch of peacekeepers is expected to arrive at the North Pole after Christmas.

“We are here to keep the peace” said the general in charge of the peacekeepers.

Keeping the peace is our top priority. Not raping anyone. Just to repeat and verify: We are here on a peacekeeping mission. Definitely not a raping mission.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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There have been multiple reports of rapes being committed in the North Pole.

“All I remember is a blue helmet and someone saying ‘Relax. I’m with the UN.’ “ said a sobbing, recently raped elf.

(8)

Taxes are too high!

With rioting continuing in the North Pole, Santa has asked for troops to restore order to his beleaguered workshop.

The rioting, which started in protest over Santa’s new “carbon emissions” tax has spread into a protest over the entire state of the North Pole, with many blaming Santa and calling on him to step down. Reindeer and elves, wearing their signature yellow vests, have overturned cars and set many fires in the ensuing three weeks.

“Santa’s a fat oppressor pig” said one reindeer as he set a car on fire.

We used to have a good thing going up here. We made toys for all the little boys and girls, Santa paid us well and we ruled ourselves. Everyone left us alone. Then Santa had to go to Davos for a global warming conference. Now he’s the rich man’s bitch.

“This is about more than the damn tax” said an elf as he threw a brick through a window.

Santa’s been leading us down the wrong road for awhile now. He doesn’t care about the North Pole anymore. He’s Mr. International Globalist now. He even petitioned to have the North Pole become a member of the European Union. And the bastards accepted us!  Why I don’t know. We are no where near Europe. Now we are being taxed to support the EU. I have Brussels telling me how large my bananas and apples have to be that I sell in my little shop. If they are oversized I get fined. Fined! In my own shop! When I complained to Santa you know what he said?  “It’s for the greater common good. Internationalism is the wave of the future and the nation state is dead. Nationalism is not patriotism!” What the  hell does that mean?  My passport and driver’s license say North Pole not global f*cking citizen!

With his approval rating down to 17 percent and sensing that he has lost the reindeer and elves, Santa addressed the North Pole during a live telecast.

Seated in front of several European Union flags, Santa acknowledged his mistakes and asked the North Pole citizens to “advance together to socialism.”

“My fellow North Poleans” began Santa.

The last couple weeks have been very trying and humbling for me. I have seen our great North Pole turned into a riot zone with cars on fire and overturned, shops bombed and people afraid to leave their homes. It’s a lot like the south side of Chicago but without the pizza. 

We will respond to the economic and social urgency with strong measures, by cutting taxes more rapidly, by keeping our spending under control, but not with U-turns. I will also cancel the impending tax on North Pole pensioners.

But rest assured, the North Pole needs to make sure that the rich and the big corporations pay the taxes they owe. That they pay their fare share.

While your anger is just and the people have legit concerns, no anger justifies attacking a North Pole policeman or pillaging a public place or shop. When violence breaks out, freedom is lost. We are not Detroit after all.

This discontent comes from 40 years of malaise but rest assured I am responding to that.

We are at a historical changing point in the history of our country. Through dialogue, respect, commitment we will succeed. My concern is only you, our only battle is for the North Pole.

However despite Santa’s conciliatory words many remain unconvinced.

“F*ck it. The fat man’s going down” said one balaclava-sporting elf carrying a brick.

(13)

Death to the Infidel!

Christmas could be a major disappointment this year for boys and girls around the world after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who used his signature proboscis to guide Santa through rough weather, announced his conversion to Islam.

“I only follow The Prophet now” said Rudolph.

Christmas is a holiday of the infidel, the crusader, the ones who must submit to Sharia Law. I will not help the infidel spread his unholy practices. They are an abomination. Death to the crusader! Death to Santa! Allah Akbar!

Sources report that Rudolph has recently begun acting strangely and was no longer the lovable reindeer everybody could count on.

“Rudolph has saved my bacon many times” said Santa.

And I’ve always counted on him every Christmas Eve to guide my sleigh. Even if the weather wasn’t that bad Rudolph would be right up in front guiding it. It was good for morale. Well except that one year he had a gastrointestinal bug and let loose a stream of diarrhea that landed right in Donner’s face somewhere over Canada. Donner sure was angry about that. I thought it was funny.  I laughed my ass off as Donner shouted “Jesus, Mary and Joseph I’ve got shit on my face!” I thought I would bust a gut. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Rudolph told me he won’t guide my sleigh this year. Looks like we’re screwed.

When Rudolph announced his conversion and his decision to not guide Santa’s sleigh an emergency meeting with Santa, top reindeer and elves was held at the North Pole. It didn’t go well.

“Santa was in panic mode” said an elf who attended and who wishes to remain anonymous.

I thought the old man was going to have a stroke.

Santa is getting too old for this shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was red in the face and hyperventilating. He kept saying “You motherf*ckers better find me another red nosed reindeer or so help me I’m eating venison tonight!” Needless to say that didn’t go over well with the reindeer. Most of them would have walked out but Santa has them under contract for life.  Look I know why Santa is upset. And don’t give me that “He loves handing out presents” bullshit. He gets paid by the percentage of houses he visits. The more houses the more the fat one makes. Doesn’t matter to us. We’re contractors and get paid the same whether Santa flies or not.

Finally threatened by the loss of his income Santa asked the U.S. Air Force if they had some spare B 52s that could fly the presents around the world. Unfortunately, being the U.S. Air Force, no planes were operational. Santa then cut an emergency last-minute deal with Fed Ex whereby Fed Ex would deliver the toys for a cut of Santa’s cut.

“You do what you have to do. Besides venison tastes awful” said Santa.

As for Rudolph he has split with longtime partner Clarice after she refused to be have her clitoris circumcised.

“It’s what the prophet wants” demanded Rudolph.

“I should have known better than to trust men” said Clarice.

“From now on it’s only female deer for me.”

(28)

You’re on the naughty list!

With Christmas eight days away it is my pleasure to snag an interview with the man of the hour. None other than Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus himself.

MI: Good afternoon Santa Claus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

SC: Are you sure?  You’re on my naughty list.

MI: What?  Why?

SC: I know about you and the intern.

MI: In my defense she asked me to take it out.  But anyway. It’s not about me. Tell me what’s it like being Santa.

SC: I love it. I love children and it brings me such joy to see the faces of the children when they open their toys.

MI: That must be gratifying. Tell me do you still leave coal in the stockings of bad boys and girls?

SC: No. Not anymore. The EPA got all in my face. Coal being a pollutant and all. So I stopped.

MI: So what do you leave in their stockings now?

SC: Feces. And believe me with all the cookies left out for me I have plenty of fecal matter to go around.

MI: You crap in their stockings?

SC: Yep. It’s justice. You crap all over your brothers and sisters all year and Santa is going to lay a big one right in your stocking. Sends a message that I am to be taken seriously or I’ll shit all over you.

MI: I see.

SC: And to tell the truth sometimes Santa just has to relieve his bowels. It’s a long night, lots of ground to cover. You go where you can.

MI: You bring up an interesting point. Where does Santa go?

SC: Being Santa is a lot like being a taxi driver. There are always bars you can jump into for a quick bathroom break. That’s why I like cities. More bathrooms. I remember once I stopped in at a bar in New York on Broadway and Thayer to use the bathroom. There was a couple having sex in the stall next to me so I asked if I could join.  “I’ll give you more presents” I said. So she and he let me. I tell you the passion. My knees were weak. I was barely able to finish my rounds that Christmas.

MI: Um. Back to the children and the looks of joy on their faces.

SC: Oh screw the children. Do you want to know what I really enjoy most about Christmas?

MI: No, what?

SC: All the MILFs.  So many MILFs looking for some Santa action.

MI:  Um. I – 

SC: I remember one time I was banging this MILF and Rudolph yells down the chimney “For God’s sake Santa. Can’t you premature ejaculate or something?  We have a schedule to keep.”  I ignored him. When you’re in the zone you’re in the zone.

MI: Okay, I had better – 

SC: So much sex. I’ve had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain.

MI: How do you avoid STDs?

SC: What makes you think I have? Why do you think I wear a beard?  Take a look at this son.

[Santa parts his beard to show Manhattan Infidel his cheek]

MI: Oh my god. You’re skin is dissolving! And putrid!

SC: Santa doesn’t like to use protection. It reduces my pleasure. 

MI: I had better go.

SC: Leave some cookies out for me this  year, will you?  And I prefer Charmin toilet paper. So soft on Santa’s ass.

And so ended my interview. You know I think Santa should familiarize himself with the phrase “Too much Information.”  Because…..damn!

(5)