Pepperland Deals with Blue Meanie Migrants!

Pepperland is a historically racist land!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The magical, music-loving peaceful country of Pepperland has seen a rise in migrants from other lands the past few years, forever changing its culture with many residents calling for the end of the Lord Mayor’s “open borders” policy.

“Pepperland was built on tolerance and diversity” said the Lord Mayor (pictured here)

We pride ourselves on our diversity

Well technically we’re built on top of a dormant volcano but besides land that cooled from hot, liquid magma we are built on tolerance. That is why we let in the Blue Meanies. Sure they are different than Pepperlanders. We love music. The Blue Meanies put a geodesic dome over our most popular band and silenced them. I just chalk that up to the normal cultural misunderstandings between peoples. And sure the Blue Meanies have a tiny minority element that are troublemakers. I personally had my car crushed by Apple Bonkers. 

Representatives of the Blue Meanie community

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is why I created an after school program for the Apple Bonkers. We need to show them that our culture will not threaten them and they have nothing to fear from us.  And sure the Snapping Turtle Turks 

Pepperland women deserve to be raped!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keep raping our women. But I blame the women of Pepperland for not covering themselves up more. There is something to be said for modesty. The Blue Meanies come from a very religious and strict culture. Is it any wonder they might act out like that. So women of Pepperland, cover yourselves up. Be sensitive to our Blue Meanie guests.  And I have heard complaints about The Glove. 

An innocent victim of cultural misunderstanding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He keeps pounding people into submission. But that’s just his way. He doesn’t mean anything by it. Pepperlanders need the Blue Meanies. They add so much to our culture.

However many Pepperlanders are not buying the Lord Mayor’s explanations.

“He’s full of shit” said Old Fred.

We must close our borders!

He lives in an ivory tower on a hill and doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his policies. Pepperland is in crisis! Our way of life is dying. Our culture is disrespected. Our women violated. Our streets filled with homeless Blue Meanies. Trash piles up. I tell you these people just do not practice good personal hygiene. And there is nothing racist in acknowledging that fact! I think the Lord Mayor should talk about the real reason he invited the Blue Meanies into Pepperland. He needs the cheap labor. And even though the Blue Meanies are undocumented he’s signing them all up to vote. For his political party of course. The whole thing stinks and makes a loyal Pepperlander’s blood boil!

Any hopes of rapprochement between the native Pepperlanders and the Blue Meanies were dashed however by comments made by the Chief Blue Meanie.

Today Pepperland tomorrow the world!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have a duty to bring our superior culture to everyone” he said.

“Today Pepperland goes blue! And tomorrow the world!”

(8)

My Exclusive Interview with Whoopi Goldberg’s Vagina

Get out of my vagina!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel™  I have the honor of interviewing none other than Whoopi Goldberg’s lady parts. Specifically her vagina.

After being surgically reduced to a quarter inch in length I was inserted into Miss Goldberg’s vagina to begin my interview.

MI: Good afternoon, um, what do I call you?

WGV: I prefer to be called Goldie’s Va-va-jay.

MI: Um. Okay Goldie’s Va-va jay.  Anyway you were in the news recently when after Justice Kennedy’s retirement Whoppie went on The View and stated that she didn’t want the Supreme Court to “take her rights away” and that they should “Stay out of her vagina.”  As the vagina in question do you have any comment on this?

WGV: Well as you may know Whoopi and I work very closely together. What’s good for one is good for the other.

MI: I see.

WGV: Except when I sometimes queef when she’s on the air. She doesn’t like that.

MI: Queef?

WGV: Yes. The expelling of air from one’s vagina. All women do it. Just usually not on the air where cameras can pick it up.

MI: Okay. Back to Whoopi’s assertion that she doesn’t want the Supreme Court in her vagina.

WGV: Whoopi feels very strongly that the Supreme Court should not be in her vagina. Or anyone for that matter. No one should enter her vagina. I support this.

MI: I’m sorry. What’s that smell?

WGV:  Smell?

MI: Yeah, it smells like rotten eggs.

WGV: Oh that’s the sulfur.

MI: Sulfur?

WGVYes. Since we both feel very strongly that no one should be in her vagina, that being me, I produce sulfur as a protective device. That way if anyone should enter Whoopi’s vagina they would be destroyed.

MI:  Oh my god. Am I in danger?

WGV: No you’re safe. Just don’t touch my walls or you’ll disintegrate.

MI: I won’t. Um. The sulfur is overpowering. Are you sure I’m not in danger.

WGV: No danger. The only danger is to myself. As you see the sulfur has destroyed most of my walls. What were once firm and tight vaginal walls are loose and crumbling. In fact my vaginal walls failed a recent safety test. Between you and me that’s why I think Whoopi doesn’t want anyone in her vagina. It’s embarrassment over the loose and wide condition of her vaginal walls. My walls. That and the sulfur smell.

[Whoopi Goldberg enters her vagina] 

GET OUT OF MY VAGINA!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WG: GET OUT OF MY VAGINA!

WGV: Please Whoopi. I invited him in. He only wants to ask some questions.

WG: NO ONE EVER SPEAKS TO MY VAGINA!

MI: Miss Goldberg I only have a few questions to ask and then I will never enter your vagina again.

WG: TOO LATE!  YOU HAVE DESECRATED MY VAGINA! VAGINA OF MINE, DISSOLVE HIM IN SULFER!

WGV: But Whoopi I promised him safe passage in and out of me.

WG:  I DON’T CARE. YOU WORK FOR ME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. NOW DISSOLVE HIM IN ACID OR I’LL GET THAT SEX CHANGE I’VE BEEN THREATENING. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU’LL BECOME A DICK.

WGV: Yes, Miss Goldberg. I will produce more sulfur.

MI: Wait no. No!  I’m a reporter and demand that my rights be respected. Under the Geneva Convention being dissolved in sulfur inside a vagina is prohibited.

[Manhattan Infidel begins to dissolve]

MI: Help me! Help me!  Ban assault vaginas!

Okay, the less we say about this the better. I can honestly say I never want to see Whoopi’s vagina again. And I’ll never look at another egg again without vomiting.

And this is not fake news. I only report the facts. Don’t believe me?

Get out of my vagina!

(12)

0 Comments

Happy Independence Day!

Read this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

On July 2nd, 1776 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania the Continental Congress approved a resolution of independence (which was printed and signed by John Hancock on July 4th).

Today many Americans have not read the Declaration of Independence. Or if they do they don’t think about it.

I urge all Americans to read it and reflect upon it and ask themselves, “Are we not struggling under greater oppression than the colonists were with the English?”

Today the government tells Americans what light bulbs to use, what toilets they can use, freedom of speech is threatened under the guise of so-called “hate speech laws”, which are nothing more than Orwell’s thought crimes come to life.

The second amendment, which contrary to the “smartest person in the room”, his Lordship Barack Hussein Obama, has jack shit to do with the “American tradition of hunting” but instead is the right that protects all other rights for only by having a well-armed citizenry will the government be afraid of the people, is in danger from collectivists and so-called progressives.

In short now more than ever we need to read the Declaration of Independence.  Especially the section that states “He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.”

Yeah, I’m looking at you, EPA, IRS, FBI, ATFE (burn any more women and children to death lately?)

So now, presented for your approval, the Declaration of Independence.  (Declaration not valid in blue states.)

 

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

New Hampshire:
Josiah BartlettWilliam WhippleMatthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John HancockSamuel AdamsJohn AdamsRobert Treat PaineElbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen HopkinsWilliam Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger ShermanSamuel HuntingtonWilliam WilliamsOliver Wolcott

New York:
William FloydPhilip LivingstonFrancis LewisLewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard StocktonJohn WitherspoonFrancis HopkinsonJohn HartAbraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert MorrisBenjamin RushBenjamin FranklinJohn MortonGeorge ClymerJames SmithGeorge TaylorJames WilsonGeorge Ross

Delaware:
Caesar RodneyGeorge ReadThomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel ChaseWilliam PacaThomas StoneCharles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George WytheRichard Henry LeeThomas JeffersonBenjamin HarrisonThomas Nelson, Jr.Francis Lightfoot LeeCarter Braxton

North Carolina:
William HooperJoseph HewesJohn Penn

South Carolina:
Edward RutledgeThomas Heyward, Jr.Thomas Lynch, Jr.Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button GwinnettLyman HallGeorge Walton

(2)

Vulcan Holds Logical Bachelor Party

To carouse is not logical

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noted Vulcan Lieutenant commander Spock of the Enterprise threw himself a bachelor party to celebrate his engagement to Nurse Christine Chapel that was described by all who attended as “logical and staid.”

“To carouse on the eve of one’s nuptials strikes me as highly illogical” said the decorated Vulcan.

My commanding officer, Captain Kirk, wanted me to have a woman jump out of a cake.That is an illogical waste of a cake. The physics of having a woman jump out of a cake imply that the cake is hollow. Why buy a cake that is hollow? You would not be able to eat it. Also any woman who jumps out of a cake would have to be very, very short. Six inches at best. Very illogical. Kirk said I was missing the entire point and that the cake would be large and not really a cake but a decoration that looks like a cake and the woman who jumped out would be a stripper. A cake that is not a cake is illogical. And a woman who’s job it is to jump out of cake also is illogical. Why would anyone want to see a woman jump out of a cake? Especially when they were expecting to eat cake. Kirk said “But Spock it’s a tradition at bachelor parties.”  Humans have highly illogical traditions I don’t understand.

After nixing the idea of a hollow cake Spock then had to deal with Lieutenant commander Scott who brought an unregistered bagpipe to the party.

To want quiet is logical. Bagpipes are not quiet. Hence they are illogical. I told Scott that he could not play his bagpipes at my party. He was quite drunk

Scotty imbibing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I thought he was going to expel vomit from his mouth. That quite logically happens when one has imbibed excessively. But this is a social function celebrating an engagement not what humans call a “frat party.”  I performed a Vulcan neck pinch on him and we carried him into the bedroom and let him sleep it off. We then burned his bagpipes. Not out of spite but only because it was the logical thing to do. Okay we all hate bagpipes so maybe it was spite but spite can be quite logical.

Spock’s logical bachelor party was also threatened by the appearance of Yeoman Rand.

Yeoman Rand is an efficient officer. So naturally I asked her to come to my party.  Things were going fine until she was cornered by Captain Kirk. He kept asking her to go back to his quarters to view his “Captain’s log.” A pick up line that would fail miserably on my home planet of Vulcan. He then put his hands on her backside and proceeded to squeeze. I had to extricate her from the situation. Though frankly I can understand why Kirk did that. Yeoman Rand’s physical attributes 

I am woman hear me roar!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

are in proportion and conducive to attempts to feel the flesh of her backside. Not that I approve of that behavior mind you. I’m just saying the attempt to squeeze her fleshy backside is very logical.

Finally Spock asked his guests if they wanted to partake in some Vulcan meditation. To his dismay they all left.

“Humans!” said Spock.  “What a bunch of illogical c*cksuckers! And I mean that in a highly logical way.”

(34)

Asshat Visits Mexican Border!

Does that come with fries?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) visited the Mexican border to draw attention to the plight of immigrants.

“I’ve come to this migrant camp on the Mexican border because I heard that children were being separated from their parents” said the famous asshat

This is inhumane and Donald Trump is literally Hitler. I have come here because of this and only because of this. I am the mayor of New York City. And as the Mayor of New York City it is my job to be out of the city as much as possible. After all, I need  national exposure if I’m going to get the nomination for president in 2020. I think I have a good chance at the nomination too. I’m white, lazy and incompetent. All traditions in the liberal wing of the party. That’s why I’m here. That’s the only reason I’m here. Our country needs Mexicans. New York City needs Mexicans. If we don’t have a steady supply of Mexicans who will cook the authentic Irish pub food at our authentic Irish pubs? The Irish? Have you ever eaten anything the Irish have cooked?  Burnt beyond recognition. No seriously it looks like Jack Cassidy crawling across the floor of his burned out apartment. So I’m here on a mission from God. We need Mexicans in New York City. Authentic Mexicans. Preferably under 5′ 3″.  For authenticity purposes. Not because it means you can pack more inside a truck.

The Mayor who, because of the desert heat, appeared at the border without his customary makeup (pictured here)

A photo of NYC mayor Bill de Blasio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

then demanded that the Mexicans in cages be released into his custody.

New York City is an inclusive, tolerant city. We tolerate everything except for Republicans and Christians. But one of the things we are notorious for tolerating is Mexicans. We love Mexicans. All true New Yorkers love having their morning commute interrupted by serenading Mexicans on the subway. No, we love Mexicans and demand more of them. And I’m not just saying that because we’ve grown tired of Puerto Ricans and Dominicans.

After Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was denied entry to the migrant camp the disappointed mayor complained of the humanitarian crisis to come.

New York City is running out of Mexicans. Soon every Irish pub in town will have no Mexicans to cook for them. And if there are no Mexicans who will cook bangers and mash or shepherd’s pie? We are tampering with the laws of nature and nature’s God (if he even exists.) We are inviting chaos and a bangers and mash apocalypse upon our city!

However after the cameras had left Mayor Wilhelm Jr. admitted the real reason he was in Texas.

I’m just lucky to be out of New York City. The place is turning into a shithole. It’s like the ’70s again only without CBGBs and the cheap rents. Someone ought to do something about it!

The mayor then left the border in search of a pub with shepherd’s pie.

“There has to be a pub with Mexican cooks around here somewhere” said the hungry mayor.

(7)

0 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Peter Fonda

F*ck Trump! Rape his son!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Peter Fonda, of the legendary Fonda acting clan.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Fonda.

PF: F*ck you!

MI:Um, what?

PF: I’m sorry. I apologize profoundly.

MI: Apology accepted.

PF: It’s just that I’m under a lot of stress.

MI: What from?

PF:The Secret Service man.  The freaking Secret Service. It’s a bummer man. It’s a drag. They want to question me. I should just get on my motorcycle and drive across America.

MI: Secret Service? That’s pretty serious. Are you a counterfeiter?

PF: No man, I wouldn’t do anything as serious as that. All I did was say that I wanted to rip Barron Trump from his mother and lock him in a cage with pedophiles. Like that’s a crime or something.

MI: You said what?

PF: I wanted to rip Barron Trump from his mother’s arms and lock him in a cage with pedophiles.

MI: Rip a 12-year-old boy from his mother’s arms –

PF: And lock him in a cage with pedophiles.

[Pause]

MI: I’m just curious. Are you by any chance an idiot?

PF: Come on man. What’s wrong with wanting to rip the son of a monster from his mother’s arms and locking him in a cage with pedophiles. And need I remind you I’m from Hollywood so I know plenty of pedophiles.

MI: I’m sure you do.

[Jane Fonda enters] 

I just want to help the Vietcong fight Yankee immperialism!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PF: Hey, it’s my sister, legendary actress Jane Fonda.

JF: You wouldn’t happen to be Vietcong, would you?

MI: Um. No.

JF: Oh that’s too bad. I really want to sleep with a Vietcong. They are so brave fighting American imperialism. Just the thought of the Vietcong makes my pussy wet. Well I’m off then. I have to find an American billionaire to marry and then release a workout video.

[She leaves]

PF: That was my sister, legendary actress Jane Fonda. I’m so proud of her.

[Jada Pinkett Smith enters] 

I have a 16-year-old girl’s vagina!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JPS: I couldn’t help but overhear. Did someone say pussy? You know I just had a vaginal rejuvenation procedure and now my pussy is like a 16-year-old girl’s!  Menopause and other factors can lead to low estrogen production and bothersome symptoms like vaginal dryness, discomfort, and a loss of elasticity. So you see I had no choice. I had to have vaginal rejuvenation done!

PF: You have a 16-year-old’s vagina? Did you rip it from its mother’s arms and lock it in a cage with pedophiles?

JPS: No but coincidentally that’s the plot of my next movie starring my husband, legendary actor Will Smith and myself, legendary actress Jada Pinkett Smith.

MI: Okay then. I guess I’ll just leave now.

PF: Sure, leave before I rip you from your mother’s arms and lock you in a cage full of pedophiles.

JPS: You’ll never get my 16-year-old vagina!

And so ended my interview with…….what the hell just happened?

(7)

2 Comments

Koko the Gorilla Dies; Was Distraught Over Donald Trump’s Immigration Policies

F*ck Donald Trump!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Koko the Gorilla, who captivated the world with her grace, wit and charm, has died.

“Sadly it is true. We have lost Koko” said an official at the zoo where she was housed in a cage and kept apart from her family.

She had been very depressed ever since Hillary Clinton had her victory in the 2016 election voided by Russia colluding with Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler. When Hillary won the nomination she became very excited and watched the election with keen interest. One day she signed to me “Finally misogynistic America will become enlightened like Europe and elect a female ruler.” At least I think that’s what she was signing. It was either that or “God my ass really itches.”  She was very pro-Hillary. She stayed up with me on election night. She was so excited. She signed to me “Hillary is just like me! We both are overweight, have hairy backs and are socialists.” I think that’s what she was signing. It was either that or “Does anyone have some cream that will help my itchy ass?” When it became clear that Trump had stolen the election with Russian help she started crying and signed “F*ck Trump! This is an injustice. I will join the resistance.” I think that’s what she was signing. It was either that or “No seriously. Can someone take a look at my ass. It really itches. I think I have a twig or something stuck up there.”

After the election Koko joined the Socialist Party of California and registered to vote.

Koko was determined that Trump would not be reelected. We put a poster of Trump in her cage and she flung poo at it every day. We were quite proud of her activism. No one should be surprised that she was a socialist. Gorillas are natural socialists. Unlike humans they are not obsessed with material possessions and love to redistribute things evenly. Except for bananas.  One time an employee, he must have been new, tried to take some of the bananas she picked and give them to another gorilla. She ripped his arm off. We all felt badly about that. Mainly because the Republicans were trying to repeal Obamacare and the employee couldn’t afford a prosthetic.

But it was only in the past week as Koko witnessed the plight of undocumented asylum seekers in cages that she became truly enraged.

We were watching CNN’s coverage of children ripped from their parents and kept in cages and Koko stood up and signed “That does it. Let’s kidnap Trump’s four-year old granddaughter and put her in a cage with pedophiles!”  I think that’s what she signed. It might have been “My ass feels better. Found the twig and removed it. These things are bound to happen when you crap in the bushes.” It was right after that that she collapsed and died. Probably from a broken heart over Trump’s lack of compassion. But it might have been internal bleeding from that twig.

Koko’s body will be transported to the California Capitol building in Sacramento where it will lie in State.

Outgoing Governor Jerry Brown has announced that he will renamed the City of Sacramento “Kokoville.”

“I felt a personal affinity for Koko. We’re both socialists, we’re both very old and we have both slept with Linda Rondstadt” said the governor.

(11)

0 Comments

Incredible Hulk Tired of Hippies!

F*ck hippies!

 

 

 

 

 

The Incredible Hulk announced today that he is “Goddamn tired of this hippie bullshit” and has asked environmentalists to leave him alone.

“Just because I’m green doesn’t mean I believe in low flush toilets and wind power” said the Hulk

I’m the Incredible Hulk and I have incredible bowel movements if you know what I mean. I appreciate high-capacity, high-flush toilets. I’m not about to start using leaves and crapping in the damn forest. I have a sensitive, slightly wet anus and only Charmin will do for me.

The Hulk as also asked “hippies and fellow-travelers” to stop hugging him.

Every time I’m out in public, enraged, green and shirtless the damn hippie bastards won’t leave me alone. They all insist on forming a circle around me and hugging me. “He’s green. He cares about mother Earth and stopping pipelines!” they chant. I may be green but stopping pipelines? The Hulk appreciates and depends on fossil fuels. I have an SUV. If you think the Hulk is going to walk to and from where he wants to go you’re crazy. Fossil fuels yes! By all means! But stop hugging me alright? I’m not a touchy-feeling Hulk.

Things got worse for the Hulk when it was announced that a new pipeline would be built through his property.

All of a sudden I have these goddamn hippies on my lawn. I didn’t invite them. They brought their trash with them and didn’t clean up after themselves. Hell I sold the rights to that part of my property so they could build the pipeline. It will increase my property values. Or so I thought. Now my property values are going down because I have hippie trash, literally, all over my place. They camp out. They defecate in the stream where I get my drinking water. They leave non-biodegradable plastic water bottles all over the place. It’s a goddamn mess. I’d use my Hulk strength to strangle every last one of them only the press would be on their side.

The worst incident between the Hulk and the hippies happened one night when the Hulk was home.

It was about 10 at night. Hulk relaxation time. I was wearing my MAGA hat and drinking a beer. Suddenly the hippies opened my front door and barged in, taking photos. One asked me if I was engaging in an indigenous Hulk ritual. I’m drinking beer is what I’m doing! I threw them all out. You know some of my silverware went missing that night. I think the hippies stole it. That silverware had sentimental value. It was my mothers!

For now the Hulk has rented his home out and moved to an undisclosed location.

“I guess I’ll ride it out. The hippies will get tired and move on eventually. If not I’ll just have Wonder Woman, I rented the place to her, lasso the shit out of the filthy bastards.”

(8)

Day Baseball? Great Idea. Day Baseball When I’m at Work? Bad Idea!

Your 2018 Yankees, who usually play at night so I can see them

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was prepared to write about last night’s Yankee game  as I had a ticket. Until I noticed it was a day game and I’d be at work.

What?  A day game?  During the week?  So I got nothing today.

Instead please enjoy this visit to the archives:

Manhattan Infidel’s Favorite Cherokee Recipes

(5)

Manhattan Infidel’s Handy Guide to Surviving the EuroTrash Apocalypse (AKA the so-called “World Cup”)

It’s the Eurotrash apocalypse!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once every four years a horrible event occurs that forces Americans indoors to drink alone at home instead of at bars like they should.

Yes bars will be filled with brawling, foul-mouthed, uncouth Englishman.  Your bars. The bars you usually go to to watch a baseball game. In peace and quiet. Like a civilized American. ‘Murica baby! But for a month this avenue will be closed as the Eurotrash invade our streets and populate our bars.

Being displaced from my favorite bar for the next month I now present a handy guide on how to survive this Eurotrash apocalypse.

  •  There is a man wearing a t shirt of the flag of England vomiting by my front door. Should I help him?

Definitely not. He’s no doubt filled with rage and very dangerous. He is filled with shame over England’s shitty soccer team. After all, the last time England won a World Cup they weren’t even a Muslim nation. Allah be praised.

  • Will I be able to visit my favorite bar during the World Cup?

Sure you can. But I’m assuming you also like being punched and vomited upon. For your bar, your home away from home, will be filled with undocumented immigrants from the British Isles and they will be loud, ill-mannered, uncouth and using foul language. Really – don’t you get enough of that at work? They will look down on your colonial ignorance of the sacred game. But don’t worry. After it is over your bartender will welcome you back and apologize for kicking you out during the World Cup. He might even give you free drinks, wink at you and say “Sorry. But we thought we were going to make more money off of the Limeys.”

  • I heard FIFA is corrupt. Is this true?

Yes. FIFA makes the IOC look like choir boys. In fact FIFA headquarters has a painting of Bill and Hillary Clinton in the lobby with the caption “They taught us all we know.”  Did FIFA assassinate JFK?  Wouldn’t put it past them. Was FIFA behind 9/11?  Wouldn’t put it past them. Was the Godfather based on FIFA?  Yes. Did FIFA urge the Beatles to fire Pete Best?  Yes. But that’s just common sense.

  •  I feel like I’m missing out on the World Cup. I mean everybody else is watching it.

You are missing out on Jack Squat, son. Soccer sucks. That’s how “they” get you. They make you think you’re missing out on an event that is uniting the entire world. Trust me.  The Cup will end in an exciting “nil-nil” tie in “extratime.”

  • That doesn’t sound very exciting. Tell me again why soccer is so popular?

No one likes it actually. The rest of the world just pretends to like it to annoy Americans.

  • Wow. So the rest of the world can – 

Suck it as we remove our troops and let them pay for their own defense.

  • But my coworker insists I watch a “match” with him.

Hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

  • But he’s my friend!

HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT.  I’m not telling you a third time!

  • The Cup will last a month. A month I cannot go to my favorite bars. Do I have to drink at home?

‘Fraid so.

  • But I can’t drink at home. My wife yells at me when I drink at home.

HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT! Then dump the body in international waters.

There you have it my loyal readers. May all of you survive the World Cup!

(6)