A Manhattan Infidel Special Report: Did Donald Trump Inject Ruth Bader Ginsburg With a Cancer-Causing Agent?

Donald Trump gave Ginsburg cancer!







The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

With word that the most compassionate person ever, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had been hospitalized to have two cancerous nodules removed from her left lung people began asking “How did this happen? An 85-year old woman in the prime of her life just doesn’t get cancer!  Was Donald Trump involved?”

These are all reasonable questions.

I believe that Donald Trump personally held Ginsburg down and injected her with a cancer-causing agent.*

*I have no proof that the events I am about to narrate actually happened. But I do not need proof. They ring true. They have the touch of authenticity. And from what we know about Trump’s character this is something he would do.  The events are fake, yet accurate.

  • Fact:  Donald Trump is directly responsible for the deaths of over 2,000 people during his long career, including Jimmy Hoffa, Nelson Mandela and the University of Marshall football team that died in a plane crash. He is also a Republican.
  • Fact:  Republicans do not care about human life and live to kill.
  • Fact:  Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a compassionate liberal. Liberals care about every human life (even the ones they order killed in drone strikes.)
  • Fact: This makes Judge Ginsburg a target of Donald Trump’s irrational Republican hatred.
  • Fact:  Ruth Bader Ginsburg lives in mortal fear of Donald Trump and has told friends that “He will kill me.”

Having gathered all these incontrovertible facts together I speculate that on or about the evening of November 22, 2018 Donald Trump, dressed in combat fatigues and blackface (how racist but what do you expect from this lifelong KKK member?) cut the electricity to Judge Ginsburg’s house.

Then, with the compassionate Ruth Bader Ginsburg plunged into darkness, Trump broke open the front door brandishing an AK-47 (oh but these Republicans are all gun freaks!)

Taking advantage of the darkness and surprise, Trump terrorized Ginsburg by chasing her around her house while shouting “Yippee yi kay yay motherf*cker!”

Ginsburg, a compassionate liberal anti-gun progressive, having no guns in her house did what all good citizens should do:  She called the local police department and informed them that she was in mortal danger of her life. When informed that the police would not be able to arrive for ten minutes at the earliest Ginsburg responded, “I understand. This is the price we pay for living in a civilized, disarmed community.”

The evil Trump took advantage of Ginsburg’s progressive disarmament and kicked his way into her bedroom.  He then held her down, pulled out a syringe and said “I am Donald Motherf*cking Trump and I am going to inject you with a cancer-causing agent.”

Having injected Ginsburg Trump left to report what he had done to the local KKK chapter.

The police arrived ten minutes later and consoled Judge Ginsburg by telling her that self-defense is not necessary in a socialist workers paradise. She agreed and thanked the police for having a monopoly on guns.

I, Manhattan Infidel, stand by this story. The facts may not be true. But they are accurate.

I now humbly accept my Pulitzer.



A Manhattan Infidel Special Report: Did Candidate Trump Collude With Russia to Get Off Santa’s Naughty List? Part III

Collusion collusion collusion!








The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In Part II of my ground-breaking and award-winning report on collusion between Trump and Russia I focused on the period leading up to election night. In Part III of my ground-breaking and award-winning report on collusion between Trump and Russia (I fully expect a Pulitzer and the Nobel prize) I shall focus on the months between Trump’s election and his inauguration.

Shortly after his controversial election (controversial because America would never reject the most qualified and experienced woman in America, Hillary Clinton (shown here))

Hillary Clinton on election night







President-elect Trump’s National Security Adviser Michael Flynn received a call from Santa’s North Pole Security Adviser, Rudolph the Red Nosed homosexual reindeer.

Works for Santa; Does his bidding








General Flynn of course lied to the FBI about this conversation. I have the transcript which I now present for my readers:

RRNHRGeneral Flynn.  Congratulations on the election.

MF:  Thank you.

RRNHR: Let’s cut to the chase. I work for Santa you see. He wants you to know that he put your boss back on the nice list.

MFYes I heard.

RRNHR:  Do you know why he did this?

MF:  From what I understand President-elect Trump and Vladimir Putin colluded to steal the election and beat Hillary Clinton. I mean how else could he have won? It’s not like America was going to reject the most intelligent and qualified female candidate in the United States.

RRNHR:  No. They never would. But anyway there was more to the deal than that. Your boss also needed help getting onto Santa’s nice list. So while he and Putin were colluding Santa agreed to put Trump on the nice list in return for security agreements and arms from Russia.

MF: Horse trading. That’s what we call it in America. Horse trading.

RRNHR:  Anyway in return for taking your boss off the naughty list,  Santa wants something from Trump.

MF:  Tit for tat. I understand.  Horse trading you see. I’m a horse trader. What do you want?

RRNHR:  As you know the reindeer fly over the entire United States. They need a place to deposit their feces safely. You know, so they aren’t shitting all over America.

MF:  How about Maryland?  I’m sure the farmers will appreciate a crap bombardment from the sky.

RRNHR:  Sounds good to me. One more thing. This conversation never happened.

We all know what happened next. The FBI came calling after the appointment of a special prosecutor to ask General Flynn about Russian collusion. They asked him if Rudolph the Red Nosed homosexual reindeer had called him at 2:38 pm on December 17, 2016. General Flynn said Rudolph called at 2:20. And that was a lie! He lied to the FBI to cover his boss’s collusion with Russia to get off of Santa’s naughty list and to steal the 2016 election.

It all makes total sense. I mean why else would America reject the most qualified and experienced woman in America, Hillary Clinton? (Pictured here).

The most qualified woman in America













A Manhattan Infidel Special Report: Did Candidate Trump Collude With Russia to Get Off Santa’s Naughty List? Part II

Collusion collusion collusion!








The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In my previous post I detailed some of the behind-the-scenes machinations to get serial naughty list member Donald Trump onto the nice list.

In part II of my award-winning piece of investigative journalism I make shit up I will detail the time from the Democratic and Republican conventions where Trump faced off with Clinton to the horrific election night, where Trump won. Or as I like to call it: The night God died and the most qualified and intelligent woman in the world lost because America still suffers from sexism and toxic masculinity.

For most of the campaign Hillary Clinton (pictured here)

Hillary Clinton during a campaign stop









had a commanding lead over mere businessman and non-elite Donald Trump.

That’s what the polls said. And why would the ignorant rubes in red state America lie to pollsters by telling them they were voting for Hillary when they intended to vote for Trump? Sure they would be publicly shamed but I doubt the ignorant red state rubes know the meaning of a difficult concept like shame.

However there were troubling signs during October.  Crowds flocked to Trump events while at campaign stops in Ohio and Pennsylvania Hillary drew smaller crowds than a Journey concert without Steve Perry.

Waiting to hear the Journey-less Steve Perry







Yeah, that bad.

Like a giant skin tag, something was amiss.  Could the American public actually be rejecting the most qualified and intelligent woman in America? Only a fool would think that.

At the same time rumors were swirling that Trump would be put on Santa’s nice list.

How could this be?

The answer must lie in the diabolical Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia.

After sparing no expense I bought coffee and finding no evidence of collusion I was about to give up. Then I remembered the first rule of journalism:  Always wear a condom.  No wait, that’s the second rule of journalism.  The first rule of journalism is:  If you have a theory that will help the Democrats and hurt the Republicans, then there is no need of so-called evidence. Your theory is fake, yet points to a higher truth.

So I went home and found online a transcript of a phone call between then-candidate Trump, Putin and Santa Claus.  I believe this transcript is real.

DT: Hey guys, I need some help.

VP: Anything you want. Just take back Steven Seagal.  

DT: It’s a deal. Speaking of deals, can you help me defeat Hillary and get me back on Santa’s nice list?

SC: I can’t do that. You’re naughty.

VP: I have evidence that Rudolph is a homosexual and you and him are lovers. I shall release this information.

SC: Looks like your back on the nice list.

DT: Thanks. Now about defeating Hillary – 

VP: I’m already on it. My best agents are fanning out across the United States breaking into voting machines.

DT: Thanks. That’s the only way I’d win you know. America would never reject the most qualified and intelligent woman in America.

VP:  No. They wouldn’t. Now please take back Steven Seagal.

SC: Hey I want promises that for putting you on the nice list you won’t mention anything about Rudolph and I.

DT: Mention what?  I didn’t hear anything.

SC: Thanks.

VP: Steven Seagal is an asshole.

Do we really need further evidence that Donald Trump colluded with Russia?

Next on Part III:  Elections have consequences.



A Manhattan Infidel Special Report: Did Candidate Trump Collude With Russia to Get Off Santa’s Naughty List? Part I

Collusion collusion collusion!








The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In March of 2016 then-candidate Donald Trump dispatched a top aide to Russia to meet with Russian intelligence assets. What was discussed at that meeting is of course unknown but it set in motion a train of events that moved Donald Trump from his longtime position on Santa’s naughty list to the Presidency of the United States and a pole position on Santa’s nice list.

After an exhaustive investigation Google I have arrived at the following conclusions:

  • There is no natural way Donald Trump could have won the Presidency against such a qualified candidate as Hillary Clinton
  • There is no natural way Donald Trump could have been placed back on Santa’s nice list.
  • Russian operatives in the North Pole sowed dissent with elves and reindeer in an attempt to distract Santa and throw Trump back on the nice list.
  • A special prosecutor should be appointed to investigate any an all actions by Donald Trump from the time he announced his candidacy to his controversial and still-contested election as President.

A November 2015 memo From Santa to his top elves that I have a copy of reads in part:

……..under no circumstances is Donald Trump to get any presents. He is on the naughty list.  THE NAUGHTY LIST. He has been on the naughty list since he dumped Ivana for that hussy Marla Maples. I don’t care how many letters he sends saying he has been a good boy. We are not to change his status to “nice.” NO TOYS! That’s my final word on the subject.

A February 2016 intelligence report on then-candidate Trump commissioned by Secretary of State John Kerry has this telling section:

Re: Attempts by Trump to get on nice list

We are aware of private citizen (may he forever remain so) Trump’s various attempts to influence North Pole decision makers to be put on the nice list. Private citizen Trump owns a hotel in the North Pole and he might use this as leverage to get off naughty list. We do not feel it will be successful as Santa is a known progressive sympathetic to President Obama’s policies. So to recap: Our best and brightest intelligence sources in the FBI and CIA feel his attempts will not succeed. If he does by chance get put on the nice list we will make up a cover story that said Trump colluded with Russia.

Editors note:  We at Manhattan Infidel feel the last sentence about making “up a cover story” was not in the original memo and was possibly put there later by a right wing white nationalist in the State Department to discredit Kerry and Obama.

When Hillary Clinton became the official nominee of the Democratic Party she received a visit from the North Pole’s Secretary of State Hermey (pictured here)

The North Pole’s Secretary of State and only dentist, Hermey









who assured candidate Clinton that she is the only candidate on Santa’s nice list. Hermey then contributed 1.5 million to the Clinton Foundation.

It would seem from the available evidence so far that the ruffian Donald Trump and his brand of toxic masculinity had no chance of getting on Santa’s nice list. So how did it happen?

Next in Part II:  Russia, Russia, Russia!



Santa Goes Into Exile!

May my abdication bring peace!







After months of civil unrest and a series of stinging military defeats at the hands of the elf and reindeer resistance, Santa Claus has been forced to abdicate.

Standing by a helicopter that would take him into exile Santa addressed those still loyal to him.

“My fellow North Poleans” began the erstwhile leader.

Today is a sad day. A sad day for me who is losing his power base, a sad day for children around the globe, but mostly a sad day for you elves and reindeer who have been loyal to me as you will no doubt be executed once I leave. But leave I must as my situation has become untenable. I leave you now with affection for all of you in my heart. I will remember you and will not watch the news reports of your executions. Good bye and I hope you die quickly.

And with those words the only ruler of the North Pole the world has ever known flew off into exile, while loyal elves and reindeer stood helplessly on the roof of Santa’s home desperately trying to cling to the helicopter as it left.

“It was amazing” said a resistance fighter as he watched the helicopter disappear.

Some of the reindeer and elves clung to the copter as long as they could until they fell to the ground. How can anyone with a soul not feel sad at that sight? Of course those that survived the fall we immediately executed. You know. Just lined them up and shot ’em all in the back of the head. The crying of the children was heart wrenching. How can anyone with a soul not be moved by that. Of course after we shot them they were quiet. But in war one has to occasionally execute collaborators. No one likes doing it. It’s like getting rid of an inch-long skin tag stuck to the side of your inner thigh. Dirty, painful work but it has to be done.

The helicopter carrying Santa, Mrs. Claus and Santa’s rumored lover Rudolph landed at the first safe airfield where they boarded a plane that took them to the United States where Santa was to relocate.

After landing at JFK Airport in Queens, New York, Santa was driven in a limo to MSNBC studios in Midtown for an exclusive interview with Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski (pictured here).

Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski







In the interview Santa expressed regret over his loyal elves and reindeer who were executed and lamented the fact that he was unable to bring them.

Mika Brzezinski: Santa while we all admire your strong stand against climate change, why didn’t you bring your loyal followers with you?

Santa:  There was only so much space in the helicopter. It was a heartbreaking decision.

Joe Scarborough: Do you blame Donald Trump for their deaths?

Santa:Yes. Yes I do. Trump is mentally unstable and a white nationalist.

With the interview over Santa drove to his multi-million dollar condo on Central Park west to begin his new life.

“I will always fight for internationalism, inclusion and tolerance” said Santa at an impromptu press conference.

“Now if you excuse me Rudolph and I, um I mean Mrs. Claus and I, would like some privacy.”

The number of reindeer and elves executed in the North Pole is as yet unknown but sources say it could be as high as 1000.  The North Pole Resistance denies any responsibility for the killings and blames Santa for his unjust policies.


United Nations Peacekeepers Dispatched to North Pole!

This logo will bring peace and other diseases to the North Pole






With the North Pole disintegrating into civil war, the United Nations voted unanimously (Iran and Ireland abstaining) to send peacekeeping troops to the war-torn country.

The expected move was not without controversy.

“We don’t want them here” said Santa, who has been waging an increasingly bitter war to keep the elves and reindeer down.

This is an internal matter. Families have arguments. We are a family here at the North Pole. Right now the elves, reindeer and I are not on the best of terms. But I’m hoping to resolve the issue and return peace to our town. You know this whole thing could have been avoided if they (the elves and reindeer) had only agreed to pay the carbon emissions tax and not put on those silly yellow vests.

Sources say that Santa has good reason to not want the UN peacekeeping force deployed as his ruthless tactics in the civil war would be exposed. Particularly controversial is his gassing of the reindeer and elf civilians and the “psych op” warfare tactics he has deployed as a means of demoralizing the opposition, including opening up several restaurants in the North Pole that serve only venison.

“Those restaurants were a cruel blow” said one reindeer.

Almost as cruel as him deploying methane bombs over the North Pole. The smell was horrible. It burned! The female deer were gasping and collapsing in the street. I know Santa eats a lot of pizza but really! Where the hell did he get all that methane? I bet you the Chinese sold it to him.

But even the elves and reindeer have reason to not want the peacekeepers stationed in the North Pole.

“I was vacationing in Haiti once” said an elf.

What? Can’t an elf vacation in Haiti? Anyway the peacekeepers were there and we knew what they were up to. When they weren’t raping the Haitians they were giving them infectious diseases. They even raped Bill Clinton when he showed up to collect his money for the Clinton Foundation.  So yeah, I’d stay the hell away from UN peacekeepers.

Despite opposition from both sides in the war the first batch of peacekeepers is expected to arrive at the North Pole after Christmas.

“We are here to keep the peace” said the general in charge of the peacekeepers.

Keeping the peace is our top priority. Not raping anyone. Just to repeat and verify: We are here on a peacekeeping mission. Definitely not a raping mission.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


There have been multiple reports of rapes being committed in the North Pole.

“All I remember is a blue helmet and someone saying ‘Relax. I’m with the UN.’ “ said a sobbing, recently raped elf.


Third Week of Rioting Hits North Pole!

Taxes are too high!











With rioting continuing in the North Pole, Santa has asked for troops to restore order to his beleaguered workshop.

The rioting, which started in protest over Santa’s new “carbon emissions” tax has spread into a protest over the entire state of the North Pole, with many blaming Santa and calling on him to step down. Reindeer and elves, wearing their signature yellow vests, have overturned cars and set many fires in the ensuing three weeks.

“Santa’s a fat oppressor pig” said one reindeer as he set a car on fire.

We used to have a good thing going up here. We made toys for all the little boys and girls, Santa paid us well and we ruled ourselves. Everyone left us alone. Then Santa had to go to Davos for a global warming conference. Now he’s the rich man’s bitch.

“This is about more than the damn tax” said an elf as he threw a brick through a window.

Santa’s been leading us down the wrong road for awhile now. He doesn’t care about the North Pole anymore. He’s Mr. International Globalist now. He even petitioned to have the North Pole become a member of the European Union. And the bastards accepted us!  Why I don’t know. We are no where near Europe. Now we are being taxed to support the EU. I have Brussels telling me how large my bananas and apples have to be that I sell in my little shop. If they are oversized I get fined. Fined! In my own shop! When I complained to Santa you know what he said?  “It’s for the greater common good. Internationalism is the wave of the future and the nation state is dead. Nationalism is not patriotism!” What the  hell does that mean?  My passport and driver’s license say North Pole not global f*cking citizen!

With his approval rating down to 17 percent and sensing that he has lost the reindeer and elves, Santa addressed the North Pole during a live telecast.

Seated in front of several European Union flags, Santa acknowledged his mistakes and asked the North Pole citizens to “advance together to socialism.”

“My fellow North Poleans” began Santa.

The last couple weeks have been very trying and humbling for me. I have seen our great North Pole turned into a riot zone with cars on fire and overturned, shops bombed and people afraid to leave their homes. It’s a lot like the south side of Chicago but without the pizza. 

We will respond to the economic and social urgency with strong measures, by cutting taxes more rapidly, by keeping our spending under control, but not with U-turns. I will also cancel the impending tax on North Pole pensioners.

But rest assured, the North Pole needs to make sure that the rich and the big corporations pay the taxes they owe. That they pay their fare share.

While your anger is just and the people have legit concerns, no anger justifies attacking a North Pole policeman or pillaging a public place or shop. When violence breaks out, freedom is lost. We are not Detroit after all.

This discontent comes from 40 years of malaise but rest assured I am responding to that.

We are at a historical changing point in the history of our country. Through dialogue, respect, commitment we will succeed. My concern is only you, our only battle is for the North Pole.

However despite Santa’s conciliatory words many remain unconvinced.

“F*ck it. The fat man’s going down” said one balaclava-sporting elf carrying a brick.


Rudolph Converts to Islam; Refuses to “Guide the Crusader’s Sleigh”!

Death to the Infidel!







Christmas could be a major disappointment this year for boys and girls around the world after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who used his signature proboscis to guide Santa through rough weather, announced his conversion to Islam.

“I only follow The Prophet now” said Rudolph.

Christmas is a holiday of the infidel, the crusader, the ones who must submit to Sharia Law. I will not help the infidel spread his unholy practices. They are an abomination. Death to the crusader! Death to Santa! Allah Akbar!

Sources report that Rudolph has recently begun acting strangely and was no longer the lovable reindeer everybody could count on.

“Rudolph has saved my bacon many times” said Santa.

And I’ve always counted on him every Christmas Eve to guide my sleigh. Even if the weather wasn’t that bad Rudolph would be right up in front guiding it. It was good for morale. Well except that one year he had a gastrointestinal bug and let loose a stream of diarrhea that landed right in Donner’s face somewhere over Canada. Donner sure was angry about that. I thought it was funny.  I laughed my ass off as Donner shouted “Jesus, Mary and Joseph I’ve got shit on my face!” I thought I would bust a gut. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. Rudolph told me he won’t guide my sleigh this year. Looks like we’re screwed.

When Rudolph announced his conversion and his decision to not guide Santa’s sleigh an emergency meeting with Santa, top reindeer and elves was held at the North Pole. It didn’t go well.

“Santa was in panic mode” said an elf who attended and who wishes to remain anonymous.

I thought the old man was going to have a stroke.

Santa is getting too old for this shit!









He was red in the face and hyperventilating. He kept saying “You motherf*ckers better find me another red nosed reindeer or so help me I’m eating venison tonight!” Needless to say that didn’t go over well with the reindeer. Most of them would have walked out but Santa has them under contract for life.  Look I know why Santa is upset. And don’t give me that “He loves handing out presents” bullshit. He gets paid by the percentage of houses he visits. The more houses the more the fat one makes. Doesn’t matter to us. We’re contractors and get paid the same whether Santa flies or not.

Finally threatened by the loss of his income Santa asked the U.S. Air Force if they had some spare B 52s that could fly the presents around the world. Unfortunately, being the U.S. Air Force, no planes were operational. Santa then cut an emergency last-minute deal with Fed Ex whereby Fed Ex would deliver the toys for a cut of Santa’s cut.

“You do what you have to do. Besides venison tastes awful” said Santa.

As for Rudolph he has split with longtime partner Clarice after she refused to be have her clitoris circumcised.

“It’s what the prophet wants” demanded Rudolph.

“I should have known better than to trust men” said Clarice.

“From now on it’s only female deer for me.”


My Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus!

You’re on the naughty list!








With Christmas eight days away it is my pleasure to snag an interview with the man of the hour. None other than Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa Claus himself.

MI: Good afternoon Santa Claus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

SC: Are you sure?  You’re on my naughty list.

MI: What?  Why?

SC: I know about you and the intern.

MI: In my defense she asked me to take it out.  But anyway. It’s not about me. Tell me what’s it like being Santa.

SC: I love it. I love children and it brings me such joy to see the faces of the children when they open their toys.

MI: That must be gratifying. Tell me do you still leave coal in the stockings of bad boys and girls?

SC: No. Not anymore. The EPA got all in my face. Coal being a pollutant and all. So I stopped.

MI: So what do you leave in their stockings now?

SC: Feces. And believe me with all the cookies left out for me I have plenty of fecal matter to go around.

MI: You crap in their stockings?

SC: Yep. It’s justice. You crap all over your brothers and sisters all year and Santa is going to lay a big one right in your stocking. Sends a message that I am to be taken seriously or I’ll shit all over you.

MI: I see.

SC: And to tell the truth sometimes Santa just has to relieve his bowels. It’s a long night, lots of ground to cover. You go where you can.

MI: You bring up an interesting point. Where does Santa go?

SC: Being Santa is a lot like being a taxi driver. There are always bars you can jump into for a quick bathroom break. That’s why I like cities. More bathrooms. I remember once I stopped in at a bar in New York on Broadway and Thayer to use the bathroom. There was a couple having sex in the stall next to me so I asked if I could join.  “I’ll give you more presents” I said. So she and he let me. I tell you the passion. My knees were weak. I was barely able to finish my rounds that Christmas.

MI: Um. Back to the children and the looks of joy on their faces.

SC: Oh screw the children. Do you want to know what I really enjoy most about Christmas?

MI: No, what?

SC: All the MILFs.  So many MILFs looking for some Santa action.

MI:  Um. I – 

SC: I remember one time I was banging this MILF and Rudolph yells down the chimney “For God’s sake Santa. Can’t you premature ejaculate or something?  We have a schedule to keep.”  I ignored him. When you’re in the zone you’re in the zone.

MI: Okay, I had better – 

SC: So much sex. I’ve had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain.

MI: How do you avoid STDs?

SC: What makes you think I have? Why do you think I wear a beard?  Take a look at this son.

[Santa parts his beard to show Manhattan Infidel his cheek]

MI: Oh my god. You’re skin is dissolving! And putrid!

SC: Santa doesn’t like to use protection. It reduces my pleasure. 

MI: I had better go.

SC: Leave some cookies out for me this  year, will you?  And I prefer Charmin toilet paper. So soft on Santa’s ass.

And so ended my interview. You know I think Santa should familiarize himself with the phrase “Too much Information.”  Because…..damn!


Your {Revised} {Revised} {Revised} {Revised} Revised} and Extended NFL Malfeasance Template™

Attempted murder most foul







I know. Didn’t I just write one of these things last week?  What can I say. The National Football Felon League will never disappoint. Let’s just hope none of the Kennedy’s ends up playing in the NFL. If that ever happens then civilization as we know it is over.

Two-time Superbowl Champion Brandon Browner has been sentenced to eight years in prison for attempted murder

  1. Attempted murder? Brandon Browner succeeds at anything he tries to do.
  2.  It was all an innocent mistake. She just happened to be lying in bed when I put the pillow over her face
  3. No really. I was doing yoga
  4. Bitch doesn’t want to be attempted murdered bitch better not be in bed when I try to murder her

According to reports the victim’s two children were present during the attack

  1. Family is important to me and the family that watches their mother almost being murdered together stays together
  2. Couldn’t this deadbeat bitch afford a baby sitter?
  3. I mean how would you feel if you break into someone’s home to kill them only to find out her children are present? Talk about a wet blanket!
  4. Seriously. This is on the bitch!

But Seriously! What about the children? Have you no shame? Now they will have to live with what the saw for their entire lives!

  1.  As soon as I get out of prison I’ll kill the children. Problem solved
  2.  As soon as I get out of prison I’ll attempt to kill the bitch again. And this time I’ll succeed. That should take the kids’ minds off the unsuccessful earlier attempt
  3. Kids nowadays and their memories of their mother’s attempted murder. Can’t they go smoke crack or something?
  4. Seriously. This is on the kids!

You also stole a 200,000 dollar Rolex watch during the attack

  1. To be fair that watch belonged to a woman I previously attempted to murder and I’m a very sentimental man
  2. I bet I could get a couple hundred for that watch at a pawn shop. Boy’s gotta make money
  3. I resent that accusation. What need do I have for a watch? Time is a bourgeois construct
  4. Bitch shouldn’t be walking around with a 200,000 dollar Rolex. Someone might break into her house and smother her.

You are a two-time Superbowl champion. You could have lived your life with fame and riches. Haven’t you learned anything from Aaron Hernandez?

  1. Hernandez? Don’t compare me to Hernandez! That nigga was Hispanic!
  2. I have my hobbies. You have yours. To each his own
  3. Haven’t you ever heard of peer pressure? Everyone in the NFL is killing someone
  4. Bitch stole my Rolex!

And so ends yet another tawdry NFL Malfeasance Template™. You know if this keeps up there will be so many NFL players in jail there won’t be anybody left to play any games. I might have to watch Arena football!