Trump is Making Me Fat! The Tweets of Barbra Streisand

This woman is an intellectual giant

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on keeping up to date with what’s happening in popular culture. And our massive digital porn collection. But mostly pop culture.

There are few pop culture icons better known or more revered than Barbra Streisand.  As a special treat to my readers I now present some of Miss Streisand’s selected tweets. May they serve to increase our admiration for this woman.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Donald Trump is making me gain weight. I start the day with liquids, but after the morning news, I eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup!

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Donald Trump had shot my dog. Is there nothing this monster won’t do? Yes it was just a dream but it frightened me so much I had to fly to the Bahamas to recover.

Barbra Streisand  @BarbraStreisand

We must fight sexism wherever it exists. Kellyanne Conway deserves to be gang raped by Guatemalans carrying cucumbers and scissors.

Barbra Streisand  @BarbraStreisand

It’s been over 75 years. Isn’t it time we stopped blaming Hispanics for the attack on Pearl Harbor?

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Education should be free. It is a travesty that anyone should have to pay for anything. In Europe everything is free. 

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Seriously everything should be free. We should be able to take everything we need without paying. Please download my new album on my web site for $29.95.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I’m embarking on a tour of Scandinavia but don’t speak the language. Does anyone know a good phrase book in Scandinavian?

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I think my husband James Brolin is trying to kill me. He keeps giving me pancakes smothered in maple syrup. I knew he worked for Trump!

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I probably shouldn’t have said that thing about shooting a man in Reno. Besides it wasn’t any fun. Not like the time I killed and ate a transient in Poughkeepsie.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Speaking of Poughkeepsie I built my criminal empire starting in that town. Prostitution, meth. I control it all.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I’m running out of places to bury the people I kill. My back lawn is filled with them. Oh, and Donald Trump is evil.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I self-identify as a Klingon but am confused as to which bathroom to use.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

Girl Scouts showed up at my door. Wanted me to buy cookies. I invited them in. Killed them all with an ax. No I’m not sorry. Girl Scout cookies make me fat.

Barbra Streisand @BarbraStreisand

I am God and I will smite you if you do not bow down before me.  Just ask the girls scouts. No wait. I killed them.

Okay. Well.  If there is anyone reading this who knows Miss Streisand I think you should check up on her.  Her tweets have me worried. Then again. It’s Hollywood. No one will even blink an eye.



Godzilla Threatens to Leave Tokyo Over “Affront” to His Dignity!

Godzilla is pissed! And he doesn't need your mansplainin'

Godzilla is pissed! And he doesn’t need your mansplainin’

Godzilla, one of the major tourist attractions in Tokyo has threatened to move after the Tokyo City Council ordered him to wear a diaper.

“Do these idiots know who I am?” said an exasperated Godzilla.

Do they know how important I am to the city? Do they know how much money I bring in? I’m one of the city’s major tourist attractions. Well besides the blow job bars if that’s your thing. Me?  Godzilla doesn’t need to pay. But back to my point people come from all around the world to see me. I’m Godzilla dammit. You think the way I keep the city’s finances in the black they’d cut me some slack. Sure I crap a lot. But I’m a big animal and I have gastrointestinal issues. So lay off about the crap and deal with it. My shit fertilizes your farms.

While the Tokyo City Council was previously tolerant of Godzilla’s bowel movements things might have come to a head (no pun intended) when Godzilla, suffering from acute diarrhea, evacuated on top of an open air bus filled with German tourists. Several of the tourists had to be flown to nearby hospitals suffering from methane gas exposure.

The incident made international headlines and many German companies cancelled vacation trips to Tokyo.

“The Germans are a very clean people” explained a Council member.

I mean couldn’t he have chosen another group to shit all over? Perhaps the Irish? They’ve been shit on for centuries and are used to it. Why couldn’t he have shit on some Dominicans. They are used to living in filth. So yeah, we took a lot of heat from overseas. I know Godzilla is a tourist attraction but what’s the point of a tourist attraction if the tourists don’t show up? That’s why we asked him to wear a diaper. No one is trying to hurt his dignity. If anything he should start thinking about our dignity. His shit stinks. It’s a mess to clean up and our municipal union won’t do it anymore. So if he wants to stay he has to wear a diaper.

Godzilla however is having none of the Council’s explanation and has already started looking for work elsewhere.

Tokyo isn’t the world you know. Plenty of cities would love to have me. I’ve already heard from San Francisco. Apparently my large size would be attractive to the city residents. And shitting all over them would fit in with their fetish crowd. I’m not sure how I feel about that but hey to each his own. Chicago says they are interested. The police there think I could help reduce gang violence by crapping all over the street. I’m all for public safety so that’s a major attraction. I applied to New York but they wanted to know if my gender designation fits into one of their 31 categories. I don’t know exactly what they mean by that.

Regardless of the new city he chooses, Godzilla seems to be in no hurry to bury the hatchet with Tokyo, going as far as to defecate all over City Hall.

“This is my ass and that’s my shit” said Godzilla after the incident.


Spam! The Shady Russian Ties Edition!

How close are Manhattan Infidel's ties to spam?

How close are Manhattan Infidel’s ties to spam?

It’s been over a year since I’ve done a spam post. So it’s time for another. Spam. It’s a fact of life. We all get spam. Some of us enjoy spam. But only those lonely people who have no friends and do not get any other email. No. I’m not talking about me!  I swear!

DavidItago writes:

All Toronto condo projects are here.

I have no knowledge of these Toronto condo projects and I certainly did not funnel money to the Russian ambassador for the project

SubaMe writes:

The sector hopes for even more.

Look I told you I’m doing the best I can. But these Russians are tough customers. They shot my dog!

HymanSix writes:

Improve male potency, muscle strength and sexual energy.

For the last time take me off your mailing list. I don’t need your pills. But just out of curiosity what should I do if my erection lasts longer than four hours?  The Russian girls are beginning to worry.

GexecWizm writes:

Could be $22 million which is htc was sent transparent.

Dammit you wired the money transparently? You know the Russians don’t like that. You’ve signed our death warrant! BTW ten percent goes to Schumer and Pelosi, right?

Frankie writes:

Most of them are completely unknown to me.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sure I met with the Russians but it was completely innocent.

Alinaerynm writes:

База Недвижимости В Севастополе еще

Yes I am interested in your real estate deals. I mean I don’t speak the language and neither do Pelosi or Schumer.

Degrenier writes:

Sick and tired of feminist American and western women? Looking for a more traditional woman? One that will be a good wife to you? Check out Russian women!

Let’s keep my meetings with Russian women on the low-down. I don’t want the Democrats in congress to find out. They might make political hay out of it.

Angernode writes:

The main thing that you want to do is to stop the pain.

No shit Sherlock. You didn’t tell me the Russians would be armed! My insurance does not cover bullet wounds.

Onmhge writes:

How to retaliate accordingly?

Don’t worry. I taped all my conversations with Pelosi and Schumer. If they want to go to the mattresses no one is getting out alive.

Swonseiodinee writes:

Extended Skin Dermabrasion, laser methods, and moisturizing creams would be the prominent methods.

I’ve seen the Russians in action. They use cruel torture methods that shock even the Chinese Mafia.

Fight542 writes:

Strip clubs are known to be very catty.

Look it’s where the Russians wanted to meet. In a public place. Alright? So get off my back.

VjyyfGtvts writes:

Salvatore comes armed with  a .45 caliber handgun.

What? Are the Russians in league with the Italians now? Do Pelosi and Schumer know?

And there you have it. Spam. Thank god for my spam folder. The FBI will never think of looking in there for my ties to the Russians.


Democrats Ask Special Prosecutor to Investigate Putin’s Ties to Russia!

What did Putin know and when did he know it?

What did Putin know and when did he know it?

Capitol Hill Democrats, led by Al Franken and Nancy Pelosi, have demanded that President Trump appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Vladimir Putin’s ties to Russia.

“It’s important that we know the answer to these questions” said Franken (D-MN).

Putin has often met with the Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev. Why? What were they discussing? Our presidential election? Their presidential election?  Was Putin trying to influence Russian politics? Why can’t he just stay out of it. We have reports that he often meets with Russia’s Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergey Lavrov. What is Putin doing meeting with these two people?  How deep do his ties to Russia go?

Pelosi seconded Franken’s sentiments.

“We are facing a constitutional crisis” she said.

The evidence seems clear that Vladimir Putin has ties to Russia. He has often been seen in Russia. He speaks Russian. The question to be asked is, “How much does President Trump know about Putin’s ties to Russia and when did he first become aware of these ties?” After losing the popular vote in November it is rumored that Trump took a phone call from Putin. Do we want our President, albeit  an illegitimate one such as Trump, taking phone calls from a shadowy figure like Putin who may be acting on behalf of Russian interests? This is why we need a special prosecutor to investigate this Putin. We have to appoint a special prosecutor so we can find out what the special prosecutor will discover.

On CNN, anchor Wolf Blitzer called the Putin-Russian ties “an even bigger scandal than Watergate.”

Here’s what we know about this increasingly murky and groundbreaking scandal:  

  1.  The Department of Justice, after months of investigations has concluded that Putin has deep ties to Russia.
  2.  The Department believes that Putin often used his ties to influence events in Russia.
  3.  There have been a number of meetings between Putin and higher ups in the Russian government. As to what purpose we do not know at this point but it is not unreasonable to think that Putin wasn’t discussing the weather.
  4. All this adds up to one fact: Putin cannot be trusted and is lying about his ties to Russia.

Putin for his part refuses to talk about any possible ties he may have with the Russian government.

“This is a witch hunt on the part of the Americans” he told reporters.

All the Americans have to do is look at the evidence which speaks for itself. Come on is that so difficult. And even if I did meet with Russian officials I am Russian. I’m the president of Russia! 

Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called Putin’s statement “tantamount to a confession” and repeated demands that Trump appoint a special prosecutor.

President Trump responded by saying once again that he has no plans on investigating Putin.

“Isn’t that what we’d expect from the man who lost to Hillary Clinton” said Pelosi.



Wonder Woman, Superman Break Up!

I want respect!

I want respect!

Woman Woman announced on her Facebook page today that she is no longer “in a relationship” with Superman and is now to be considered single.

“Que sera sera” Wonder Woman put on her timeline.

Whatever will be, will be.  It was fun while it lasted but yours truly is now a single crime fighter. Very single. I wish Superman well but we are no longer a couple.

Friends say that tension had been building up between the two for months and that it was only a matter of time before they broke up.

“It was physical only” said a friend of Wonder Woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

That was the entire basis of their relationship. Sex. That was it. These are two young, fit crime fighters at the peak of the sexual powers and naturally they had the hots for each other. It was embarrassing at times how the two of them couldn’t wait to get their hands all over each other. And they thought they were being discreet. One time I looked up and there was Wonder Woman in the cockpit of her invisible plane and Superman was in the cockpit with her, right between her legs. I shouted “Hello. We can see you! Invisible airplane you know. Get a room you two!”

When the two weren’t having sex it appears they didn’t have much to say to each other.

“I was on a double date with them once” said Aquaman.

And there was nothing but silence between the two. It seems that when they had their clothes on they were bored with each other. Finally Superman said “Let’s cut this short. I want to take Wonder Woman back to my fortress of solitude and role play.” Like I don’t need to know that! What? Yes I go out on dates! Chicks dig Aquaman. Really. Okay she was a paid escort. I’m concentrating on my career right now and don’t have time for a relationship.

Sensing that their relationship was a shallow one, Wonder Woman made one last chance to save her friendship with Superman.

“I used my lasso of truth on Superman” she said.

My lasso makes people obey and tell the truth. So with lasso in hand I asked Superman if he respected me. Do you know what he said?  “I respect your body. Smoking baby!” It was then that I knew we had no future together. I walked away right then and there. Superman starts begging me “But it’s also a lasso of obeying. Make me obey, baby. I’ve been bad and I want you to order me around. I’m only submissive for you.” I really didn’t care anymore. He can do whatever he wants. I have too much to offer and I deserve to find a man who respects me.

Reaction to the split has been mixed in superhero circles with Batman and Catwoman both expressing interest in the now single Wonder Woman.

“Once you’ve had Cat Woman you never go back” said the feline villain.

“I’d love to spank that. I would. But I’m afraid Robin would get jealous. He’s such a bitch” stated Batman.

Superman could not be reached for comment.


Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) to Seize Private Property

We will hang the capitalists!

We will hang the capitalists!

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by the stage name of Bill de Blasio) has announced plans to takeover 1,200 privately-owned co-op buildings throughout the city. Naturally this attempt to take private property from homeowners without compensation has been met with outrage and resistance.

I sat down with our Lord Mayor to get his side of the story.

MI: Good afternoon Your Holiness.

WWJ: Please comrade, you scandalize me. There is no need for titles. We are all equal in the socialist workers paradise.

MI: All equal?

WWJ: Yes, except I have private bodyguards who carry guns. You, as a common citizen cannot get a concealed carry license. If the opposition disarms, all is well and good. If it refuses to disarm we shall disarm it ourselves.

MI:  But if we are all equal –

WWJ: Comrade don’t be obtuse.

MI: Okay let’s discuss your plan to seize co-ops. Aren’t you afraid that taking private property will lose you votes?

WWJ: Votes?  What is the power of a vote? Let them all vote for my opponent. It won’t matter. It’s not the people who vote that count. It’s the people who count the votes. And I control the ballot.

MI: Um. I see. But back to your co-op plan. Why seize private property in the first place? What about the owners who have sunk their money and lives into their property? What about their freedom?

WWJ: You are mistaken comrade. True freedom can only be where there is no exploitation and oppression of one person by another.

MI: But these homeowners have put in money –

WWJ: We will hang the capitalists and use rope they have sold us!

MI: Wait. Hang capitalists?  But New York doesn’t have the death penalty except for killing police!

WWJ: The capitalists who strive only for profit, only to get rich are the most worthless people.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?  They only want to keep the homes they have paid for.

WWJ: To choose one’s victims, to prepare one’s plan minutely, to slake an implacable vengeance, and then to go to bed. There is nothing sweeter in the world.

MI: I think you’ve gone insane.

WWJ: As we know the goal of every struggle is victory. But if the proletariat is to achieve victory, all the workers, irrespective of nationality, must be united. Clearly, the demolition of national barriers and close unity between the Russian, Georgian, Armenian, Polish, Jewish and other proletarians is a necessary condition for the victory of the proletariat of all New York City.

MI: Okay I’m just going to back away slowly.

WWJ: Comrade I see you oppose the proletariat. For this I will have you removed to a savage and distant land without civilization.

MI: You’re going to send me to The Bronx?

WWJ: Take this man away. He must be re-educated.

[Armed security guards come to take Manhattan Infidel to a re-education camp.]

MI: You can’t do this. My readers will object.

WWJ: Readers?

MI: Okay my mother will object!

So ended my interview with New York’s Lord Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (aka Bill de Blasio aka Bill de Bolshevik).

And if you think Mayor de Bolshevik won’t take your private property I direct you to the following article:

de Bolshevik is coming for your property!

But this being New York City he will probably be re-elected in another landslide.



Innocent Wiccan Who Just Wanted to Empower Her Gender Killed by Two German Kids!

The bloodthirsty Germanic duo plot their crime

The bloodthirsty Germanic duo plot their crime

Police in the German state of Bavaria are still trying to sort out the details of a hate crime wherein a local Wiccan was burned to death after being thrown in an oven by brother and sister Hansel and Gretel.

“Of all my years on the force this is the most despicable crime I have ever seen” said a detective.

We recovered the Wiccan’s ashes from her stove and forensics are using dental records to make a positive identification but we are sure at this point that it was the owner of the house. As to why these kids would do this we can only speculate. Perhaps they opposed Chancellor Angela Merkel’s compassionate open borders policy towards Muslims. Perhaps they support Donald Trump. Either way they had to take out their rage on an innocent subject. This duo might have tried to kill a Muslim first but were frightened off after he allegedly tried to rape Gretel. Clearly just a misunderstanding.

The Wiccan was known in the vicinity as a gentle, progressive and peace loving woman who read poetry, practiced yoga and veganism and was devoted to empowering women everywhere.

“I used to bump into her at the market” said one woman.

She always had a smile and said she would use a Wiccan spell to help me get a job. I’d see her at her booth selling home grown kale. We talked about our mutual love of plants and our desire to overthrow the patriarchy. Once I introduced my boyfriend to her and she said, “Don’t let him violate you with his man thing. The penis is evil!” And she was right. I left my boyfriend right after that to explore lesbianism and eco-warriorism.

The Wiccan who had no legal name as she believed names were tools of oppression was also known for her love of children and even built her home from bread and cakes with windowpanes of sugar in hopes of attracting children whom she would entertain by telling them the history of Wiccans.

“Don’t trust the history books” she would say. “We Wiccans have been given a bad rap by the patriarchy.”

One day Hansel and Gretel came to her cottage with a sob story of being lost and abandoned.

“We all know what big hearts Wiccans have” said a crime scene investigator.

She was probably delighted to help and probably even offered part of her house to eat. While we have no evidence that this happened it would fit in with what we know about Wiccans. But these damn kids decided to kill her and take her valuables. This is so typical of non-progressive types. 

As for Hansel and Gretel the two despicable murderers are being held under tight security in an unknown location because of the feelings against them.

Prosecutors have charged both with murder and hate crimes.

Hansel and Gretel maintain their innocence, saying that they acted in self-defense after the Wiccan tried to kill them.

Naturally no one believes them.

“I expect a speedy trial” said the prosecutor.

“As northern Europeans we carry a lot of guilt with us over our violent, racist past. Sentencing these two punks to life in prison will help assuage that.”


Bull of Color Hunted Down and Killed by New York Police!



A bull escaped from a slaughterhouse in Queens, New York and led police on a chase before being brutally shot by the pursuing NYPD.

Detectives from the NYPD’s meat-eating division were dispatched to the scene shortly after the bull escaped and blocked off streets in an attempt to capture the bull, who clearly did not know his place in the social order.

Many hoped that the bull of color would survive his dash for freedom,  a dash no doubt impelled by its innate sense of social injustice. However, it was not to be.

The plucky symbol of freedom died after being hit too many tranquilizer darts.

As its dead body was unceremoniously dumped into the back of a van and taken to a butchers, criticism mounted of the NYPD’s  execution.

“I feel so sad” said one protester.

I felt connected with the bull on a spiritual level that I never felt with humans, especially meat-eating humans. The bull and I are equals. Even though I never had a chance to talk to him his struggle was the struggle of all vegan, non-binary humans trapped in their bipedal identity. I cry for my bovine brothers and I condemn the NYPD for its unprovoked assault on a creature of color!

Indeed it appears that the slaughter of the bull will have far-reaching civil rights consequences.

New York mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) condemned the shooting.

This cowardly attack will not go unavenged. I have asked the commissioner of the NYPD to tender his resignation. I will also lead a march through the streets of Queens in memory of the bull and to protest this outrage. I have sympathies for other species. My wife is non-binary.  I have reports that this bull had a fluid sexual identity which makes this shooting even more egregious. I have ordered all flags of our racist, sexist and speciesist nation within New York to fly at half-staff. To show my solidarity with the deceased quadruped tonight when I dine on pizza I will forgo a fork and use my fingers. Killing animals is wrong. Well I did kill that ground hog once but not on purpose.

In Washington DC, Democratic National Committee chairman runner up Keith Ellison condemned the bull’s murder.

Here is it 50 years after Doctor King spoke and we are still killing non-white, non-binary quadrupeds. As a Muslim I am an outsider, hunted down and feared by those in power. Especially Jews. Damn Jews. So I know how this bull felt. I will push the Democratic party to become “bullish” in principle and policy. I will also ask that cows have their clitoris mutilated. We don’t want any wild sexually voracious cows tempting bulls. The bovine orgasm is a tool of the infidel!

All New York remains united in their support for the martyred bull.

“I will stop having sex with my underage students for one week” said a middle school teacher.

“If this sacrifice doesn’t show I care then I don’t know what does.”


My Exclusive Interview with Ashley Judd (Yet Again)



Regular readers reader of the journalistic juggernaut unknown blog that is Manhattan Infidel know that Ashley Judd has graced my pages before. I really shouldn’t pile on but sometimes the crazy is so easy it’s like taking candy from a baby. Ah, the tears of my enemies. How delicious they taste!

MI: Good afternoon Miss Judd.

AJ: Miss? Miss?  I don’t need your binary sexism fool. My gender is fluid.

MI: Just like my bowels after eating a couple hot peppers.

AJ: Whatever pig.

MI:  I want to talk to you today about your comments equating Trump’s election to rape.

AJ: Yes. The election triggered me. It remains for me the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my lifetime. Raped as a child. Bad. Re-raped by a political system that ordains a clown. Rapey rape bad.

MI: So the election is the same as rape?  Don’t you think you’re cheapening rape by throwing the word around too much?

AJ: No!  Rapey rape is rapey! And the rapey rapists who voted for Trump have penetrated my pussy in a rapey rape fashion.

MI: Right.

AJ: The election triggered, raped and penetrated my pussy.  My pussy hasn’t been raped and penetrated since that time I was having dinner at the Russian Tea Room and I ordered caviar for an appetizer and they brought me House Cured Salmon Gravlax. I’m sure you can relate.

MI: Not really.

AJ: Well I was triggered and outraged that my waiter brought the wrong appetizer. I was humiliated and raped!

MI:  Somehow I don’t think getting the wrong appetizer is quite the same as being raped.

AJ: Rapey raped!

MI:  Rapey raped.

AJ: Do you like my hat?

MI: Your pussy hat?

AJ: It’s not just a pussy hat. It’s my actual pussy. I had it removed and stretched to make a hat.

MI: Good god woman are you insane?

AJ: Try my cookies. I baked them myself.

[Judd hands Manhattan Infidel some cookies which he eats]

MI: Hmm. These aren’t bad actually.

AJ: You’re eating my  pussy.

MI: What?

AJ: I made these cookies from my pussy. I call them pussy cookies. Because I’m powerful and I want men to eat my pussy.

[Manhattan Infidel spits out the cookies]

MI:  Jesus lady you’re insane!

AJ:  Finish my pussy. Eat my pussy!

MI: No I’m not eating your pussy! You know I never thought I’d actually say that to you.

AJ: What do you mean you won’t eat my pussy!  I feel raped.

MI: Right. I’m out of here.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

AJ: Come back! Don’t leave!  You’re raping me by leaving! Raping me in a rapey rape fashion!

The crazy is strong in this one. She’ll fit right in in Hollywood.



Goldilocks Uses Her White Privilege to Avoid Jail Time!

The face of white privlege

The face of white privilege

The modest, rural home of a family of black bears was broken into over the weekend by Goldilocks. The bear’s possessions were ransacked and their food eaten before Goldilocks made her escape.

“We’re a poor family” said the father black bear.

Poor but proud. My house is small and the furniture spartan but I’m not ashamed. I’m a sharecropper.  It’s a tough life. I don’t have to tell you that out in the fields I fight for my meals, I get my back into my living. I provide for my family. Most days we just have porridge to eat. Well one day the wife made the porridge as usual but it was a little too hot. So me, the wife and our child decided to take a walk in the woods to let the porridge cool.  I had just finished answering nature’s call, yeah, I guess we do shit in the woods, and we walked back to our cottage.

It was upon entering their cottage that they noticed the intruder.

Our porridge had been eaten!  And a chair broken! Then we saw this white girl sleeping on our bed.  I was surprised and frightened. A white girl in our home? A brother gets lynched for something like that. I woke her up without touching her just to be safe and she jumped out our window. White girl should stay with her people. I thought that was the end of it.

Unfortunately for our sharecropper he was soon visited by police.

This white girl told police that she was kidnapped by me. I was handcuffed in front of my family and frisked. He told me that fraternizing with white girls was frowned upon. It took my wife and child to convince the policeman that we didn’t kidnap her. She broke into our place, ate our food and wrecked our furniture. Anyway the cop took my story and released me and promised a full and fair investigation. Yeah we know what that means.

Police visited Goldilocks at her family’s estate, talked to her for over an hour and decided not to press charges.

“We interviewed the woman in question and found her story credible” said a detective.

She told us she was out for a walk and got lost. Feeling hungry and tired she saw a sharecropper’s house and entered. She saw three bowls of porridge, not too hot, not too cold, and being hungry proceeded to eat it. Yes, she did break a chair and yes she was sleeping on their bed when the family came back. But they shouldn’t be leaving food behind. Goldilocks was hungry and tired so she did what any young woman would do. She saw food and ate it. The father black bear is just lucky we didn’t beat him up to teach him a lesson.

When informed that Goldilocks would not be charged the father black bear sighed and shook his head.

“I guess I shouldn’t expect justice from the system” said the father.