Right wing extremist and lying bastard!

In a daring and brave pre-dawn raid that once again showed the entire world that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is serious about crime, well-known right wing extremist Porky the Pig was arrested and charged with five counts of lying to the FBI.

“Mr. Pig has been arrested in conjunction with the Special Prosecutor’s investigation into possible Russian collusion” said an FBI spokesman.

Mr. Pig was questioned several times by FBI agents relating to Wikileaks release of documents that could embarrass Madame Clinton during the 2016 campaign. After reviewing the tapes of his interrogation we have found five occasions where Mr. Pig lied to us.

1.  We asked him if the sky was blue. He said yes. In fact it was overcast that day and the sky was not even visible.
2. We asked him if he had been in touch with Donald Trump Jr. He said no. Well, technically we have no evidence he was lying but come on! We’re the FBI. Since when do we need evidence. Everyone knows Trump Jr. is a slime bucket anyway.
3. We asked him if he knew what Mickey Mantle’s batting average was in 1956. He said no. We refer to Mr. Pig’s Facebook post of last week where he writes “Mickey Mantle was the greatest switch hitter ever. He won the triple crown in 1956 with 52 home runs, 130 RBIs and a batting average of .353!”
4. We asked him if he colluded with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful presidency. Mr. Pig said no. Again, we are the FBI so we have never investigated this further or have any evidence that he colluded. But Mr. Pig is a notorious right-wing extremist. This means he is probably guilty.
5. We asked him what day of the year March 7th 2018 fell on. He said Monday. In fact it was a Wednesday.

Now all this may seem trivial. But we in the FBI pride ourselves on our professionalism when it comes to weeding out crime. The fact that Mr. Pig would lie about small stuff like this means he is lying about bigger matters. And, as is well known, he is a right-wing provocateur. And he smirks. He smirked throughout the entire questioning. If he had been wearing a MAGA hat we would have shot him.

Mr. Pig for his part denies any wrongdoing and questions the need for a pre-dawn raid.

I’m an old pig. I don’t have a passport. I don’t own a gun. Hell I don’t even own any pants. Was it necessary to send 29 agents into my home at 5 in the morning and scaring my dogs? All they had to do was call my lawyer and ask if I could come in for questioning. I would have said yes. The fact that the FBI did this should frighten all Americans who are worried about the dissolution of our freedoms. The agents even insulted me by saying how they would really “love to eat some bacon.” Come on! That’s a hate crime! Well I will fight this and I will win!

Mr. Pig’s arrest is yet another blow to the damaged Trump presidency and its efforts to keep the truth about his collusion with Russia from the American people.

“The arrest of Porky Pig is  groundbreaking and proves the extent of Trump’s duplicity” said CNN”s Chris Cuomo.  “I’d say we are in a constitutional crisis and expect impeachment proceeding to being any day now.”

(44)

In my defense I hate black people

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the Governor of Virginia Ralph Northam.

MI:  Good afternoon Governor Northam.

RN:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  You of course have been much in the news lately. Let’s start with Virginia’s abortion law which was voted down. You were quoted as saying that if an infant survived an abortion attempt it would be kept comfortable while the mother and doctor decided whether to put it to death. Are you in fact endorsing infanticide?

RN: Let me just say that my words were taken out of context by religious extremists. 

MI:  How so?

RN:  Well if the religious extremists hadn’t voted the law down in committee and it had passed I would anticipate that most of the abortions done in Virginia would be of black children. Hence not infanticide.

MI:  Um. What?

RN:  I said that since most of the babies being aborted under the new law would be black and since black children are worth less than white children it would not be infanticide. See how my words have been twisted by religious extremists!

MI:  Right. Well let’s move on. Recently you have come under fire for a yearbook photo of you in blackface – 

RN: I was NOT wearing blackface.

MI:  No?

RN:  I was wearing the KKK hood.

MI:  The KKK hood?

RN: Yes. But in my defense I had just come from a Klan meeting. We were discussing what to do with Negroes who insisted on invading traditional white spaces.  

MI:  Traditional white spaces?

RN: Yes. Quite understandable. You know I don’t see what the big deal is. I wish Republicans and religious extremists would stop twisting my words.

MI: You know that old saying about when you’re in a hole stop digging? Well you might want to stop digging.

RN:  I don’t understand. Anyway why is everyone focusing on that one picture? I have plenty of pictures that are non-controversial and show me at my compassionate best. Take a look at this photo for instance. Nothing controversial about it.

[He hands Manhattan Infidel a photo]

MI: That’s a photo of you dumpster diving for aborted baby parts outside an abortion clinic!

RN:  Yes but in my defense they were aborted black baby parts and it was summertime and I needed meat for a barbecue.

MI: I. Um. Are you sure you want to say that?

RN: Why not?  Are you going to twist my words out of context? Are you a religious extremist?

MI: Let me give another chance to dig yourself out of this hole.  Your yearbook lists your nicknames. One of them is “Coonman.” There must be a logical explanation. Perhaps Coonman is a reference to someone named Coon whom you admired?

RN: No. It refers to my penchant for dressing up in blackface. When I’m not in Klan robes you understand.

[Manhattan Infidel puts his head in his hands]

MI: Okay. One last chance. You once refused to shake the hand of an opponent during a televised debate.

RN:  Yes well in my defense – 

MI: He was black?

RN: Yes!  See. That was such a simple explanation. I can’t believe Republicans and religious extremists would twist my words and actions so!

And so ended my interview with Virginia’s progressive Democratic governor.

(49)

One must sing only progressive songs

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I have decided to relax, kick my feet up and treat my readers to an exciting musical interlude.

But not just any musical interlude.  A progressive musical interlude.

Take it away progressive singers!  (Sung to the tune of “I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.”}

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus.

 I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

And send it to the garbage can.

I’m gonna inject chemicals into my uterus

I’m gonna inject chemicals straight into my uterus

I’m gonna watch that needle move back and forth as the fetal matter tries to live

And send it to the garbage can.

Don’t try to have that baby!

Tear it up, rip it up!

vacuum him out, use forceps

cut it up, limb by limb.

Cancel him and let him go!

Yeah, progressive sister!

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that man right outa my uterus,

And send him to the garbage can.

If a man uses his toxic masculinity to impregnate you,

If he votes Republican,

Waste no time, make a change,

Ride that baby right off your body.

it’s your body it’s your choice,

And deposit the fetal parts in the garbage

If he’s a capitalist

Waste no time, weep no more,

abort that baby that’s what choice is for.

Remove him from your uterus,

And throw out the nonviable fetal matter.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

I’m gonna vacuum, poison, use forceps to get that baby right outa my body.

I’m gonna vacuum, poison, use forceps to get that baby right outa my body.

Don’t try to have that child.

Tear it up, tear it up!

Wash it out,

rip him out

Push him out, slice him up.

Cancel him and let him go!

Yeah, progressive sister!

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

I’m gonna vacuum that baby right outa my uterus,

And throw it in the garbage

And throw it in the trash

I’m gonna delete him, send that toxic masculinity on his way.

(27)

There are too many children! They cause climate change!

On the 46th anniversary of Roe v Wade, New York’s warm and cuddly governor Andrew “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse” Cuomo signed into law the Reproductive Health Act. Among other provisions the Reproductive Health Act permits abortions up to the moment of birth. It also allows non-medical personnel to perform abortions.

Since there are many questions about this law the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have decided to answer all of your questions.

• What does this new law do?

The new law allows a health care practitioner to perform an abortion after the set 24-week cutoff established in state law if the practitioner determines the baby will not be able to live a viable life or determines an abortion is necessary to protect the mother’s life.

• I see. So abortions are now legal in New York after 24 weeks of pregnancy?

Yes. Abortions can be performed anytime, anywhere, any place because in, New York State, we care.

• What is a viable life?

Going to college, getting a liberal arts degree, getting a six figure job and voting Democrat.

• Well that makes sense. I certainly wouldn’t want children who would grow up to be deplorables. That’s not a viable life. So anyone can perform an abortion now?

Yes. Abortion is one of the safest medical procedures in the United States. There is almost a 98 percent success rate. When a woman decides to empower herself by having an abortion she can be assured that the fetal tissue shall become non-viable.

• What happens to the two percent of fetal tissue that accidentally survives an abortion?

Ah yes. The stubborn two percent who insist on being born alive. It used to be that they were entitled to doctors and medical procedures to ensure survival. This law changes that. We have progressively modified the New York’s definition of murder. It used to include abortion after 24 weeks as murder. But now all mention of abortion has been struck from New York state homicide law. So if stubborn fetal tissue survives it may be disposed of without fear of arrest.

• Wow. That is progressive!  I am so proud to live in such a progressive state.

Orange man bad!

• I have a ten year old nephew who likes to play with vacuum cleaners. Under the new law can he perform abortions?

If your nephew feels that the mother’s life is in danger or the fetal tissue is non-viable he can perform an abortion up to the moment of birth.

• Excellent!  I like to see him put his hobbies to practical use!

That’s right. Just tell him to grab the vacuum cleaner and shove that nozzle up the mother’s vagina. Teach him the importance of progressive values.

• Orange man bad!

Orange man bad!

• One last question. I’ve noticed commentary from non-progressives, what we call deplorables, lamenting this new law and calling it an abomination. What can be done to silence those who aren’t as progressive as Governor Cuomo?

Our progressive governor is working on a final solution as we speak. Soon all deplorables shall be sent by rail cars to work camps to be weaned off their non-progressive ideology. Work shall set you free!

• Thank you for answering all of my questions.

To paraphrase the progressive negro Louis Armstrong, what a wonderful progressive state we live in.

(32)

If I go easy on you am I still invited to the governor’s ball?

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of hosting the Archbishop of New York, his Eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan. I’ll will be asking him a series of hypothetical questions on what constitutes an offense that will get a Catholic excommunicated.

MI:  Good afternoon your Eminence.

TCD: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Isn’t it a lovely day in God’s creation?

MI:  I’ll let you know when and if I can move my bowels. Anyway on to excommunication.

TCD: Yes. As you know excommunication is perhaps the strongest weapon the Church has to instill order and discipline. We take excommunicating someone very seriously and we only do it after thoughtful prayer and reflection. There must be serious sin and scandal involved.

MI:  Indeed. Let’s get started. Say there is a pack of chocolate donuts on the kitchen counter. Let’s say I eat them all before anyone else has a chance to eat one. Is this an excommunicable offense?

TCD: That is sinful. But it doesn’t rise to the level of an excommunicable offense.

MI:  Good. I’m asking for a friend.

TCD: Then tell your friend he will suffer the flames and torments of purgatory as he repents of his sin.

MI: Oh. How do I, I mean my friend, get out of purgatory?

TCD: Have your family, I mean your friend’s family, pray for the repose of his soul.

MI:  Crap. I’m, I mean he’s doomed. Next question:  I have cheated on my taxes and not reported income. Excommunicable?

TCD:  Cheating on one’s taxes is a very serious offense. As you know by reporting our income to the state it is redistributed to those of God’s children who are less well off than you. The redistribution of wealth is a core Catholic belief. Socialism is compassionate. Just like Jesus.

MI:  Okay we’ll have to disagree on that. Taxation is theft. Next question. I use 100 watt light bulbs and high flush toilets. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: As you know climate change is a sin caused by mankind. Using those devices as you do leads to climate change. I wouldn’t excommunicate you but I would hear your confess and ask you to repent.

MI: Yeah good luck with that.  Next question.  The governor of New York,  Andrew Cuomo, a purported Catholic, has just signed a bill into law allowing abortion up to the moment of birth. Also if a baby survives an abortion attempt no efforts shall be made to keep the baby alive. Is this excommunicable?

TCD: That’s a difficult question. As you know abortion seriously grieves God. Not as much as climate change but enough. I know many would like me to excommunicate the Governor but that would be a mistake. We need to dialogue with those opposed to Church teaching.

MI:  I see. Next question. Let’s say a fifteen year old boy wears a MAGA hat. Is this an excommunicable – 

TCD:  F*cking crucify the son of a bitch!  I’ll crucify him and then excommunicate him!

MI: For a hat?

TCD:  Whomever besmirches himself by wearing a MAGA hat deserves eternal condemnation!  There is no hope for people like this. They are outside the body of Christ forever!

MI:  Wow. Whatever happened to dialogue?

TCD: You cannot dialogue with racists! They must be shunned forever. Let them feel the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

MI: It’s just a damn hat!

TCD: Are you defending wearing a MAGA hat?  That does it. You are formally excommunicated! And I’m taking your donuts too! Begone Satan. Begone!

[Cardinal Dolan sprinkles holy water on Manhattan Infidel and runs away]

MI:  What the hell man?

Go ahead take my donuts. The jokes on the Cardinal. I didn’t tell him about my other ten boxes of chocolate donuts. I wonder if that is an excommunicable offense?

(58)

Me Big Chief Lies Like a Motherfucker

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a personage much in the news lately:  Tribal elder Nathan Phillips, who beat a drum in the face of teenagers at the right to life rally in Washington D.C.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Phillips.

NP:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, representative of the white man’s press.

MI:  So I’m reading here and it says you are the keeper of the sacred pipe. Forgive me my ignorance of native American customs but what exactly is the sacred pipe?

NP:  It is a pipe that is sacred to my people. I keep it.

MI: Okay. But why is it sacred?

NP:  The pipe has been handed down since the beginning of time in my tribe. We smoke it during important events such as treaty signings.  It’s a great honor to keep it.

MI:  Do you have it on you?

NP: Yes. 

MI:  May I see it?

[Tribal Elder Phillips hands Manhattan Infidel the sacred pipe]

MI:  Um. This is a bong. A bong in the shape of a penis. 

The sacred pipe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP:  It is sacred to my tribe since its beginning.

MI: The beginning? When did your tribe form?

NP:  Woodstock. I remember lots of mud and someone warning us not to take the bad acid. So I bought this sacred pipe of peace and smoked it instead.

MI: I see. You also describe yourself as a Vietnam Veteran.  Where did you serve and what did you do?

NP:  I served all over Vietnam but mainly in the part of Vietnam known as South Dakota.  I was a recon ranger.

MI: What exactly is a recon ranger.

NP:  Laymen know them as refrigerator technicians. But in the military we are known as recon rangers. That’s what we are known in the service. I wouldn’t expect a civilian like you to know this.

MI:  Refrigerator repairmen are known as recon rangers in the Marines?

NP:  Like I said I wouldn’t expect a civilian like yourself to know this term.

MI: You also call yourself the “water protector” at Standing Rock. What does a water protector do exactly?

NP: I sell bottled water. Bottled water is sacred to my people. The selling of bottled water is a sacred ritual.

MI:  Right.  Now let’s get to what I wanted to talk about. You confronted the teenager from Covington at the rally in DC and drummed right in his face. Why did you do that? 

Bullshit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NP: I didn’t confront him. I was attempting to defuse a tense situation.

MI: Many believe otherwise and think you were intentionally trying to be confrontational.

NP: White man speak with forked tongue.

MI:  White man speak with video evidence.

NP: I will not sell white man the sacred bottled water.

MI: I’m utterly shattered by that. Anyway one last question before I go. Your name, Nathan Phillips, sounds western. Do you have a native American name?

NP:  Yes. Among my tribe I am known as Chief Nocka wantu mocka fanga mooka wang chung tonight.

MI:  What does that mean?

NP: Chief Lying Sack of Shit Who Bamboozles Gullible White Folk.

MI:  I see. Well that’s about all the time we have.

NP:  Wait. Don’t you want your d*ck sucked?  I’ll suck it for 20 dollars. In my tribe I am also known as Chief Cum Dumpster.

MI: No thanks I’ll pass.

And so ended my interview with Vietnam veteran, tribal elder, keeper of the sacred pipe and water protector Nathan Phillips. This is just a hunch but I think he might have been running some sort of scam.

(24)

Binary gender identity is strictly for capitalists!

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has announced that henceforth all residents of Gotham will have more than two gender identities to choose from on their NYC identification cards.

“This is a forward-thinking and compassionate day for New Yorkers” declared the Sandinista.

In the fairest big city in America, we have a mandate to further our commitment to justice and access for all transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming New Yorkers,  Also, those who wish to change their gender identify on their ID card will not have to pay an extra fee. Assuming the gender identity change of heart happens in the same calendar year as the issuance of the ID card. We are sending a clear message that all New Yorkers, of all gender identities and expressions, belong and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Unless they are conservatives. They will have to pay through the nose. Serves them right. Damn binary gender freaks!

Using my journalistic skills I was able to exclusively obtain the new ID card and its gender identity options which I now present for my readers:

• Gender

1. Male
2. Female
3. X
4. Malcom X
5. Malcom McDowell
6. Malcom-Jamal Warner
7. Time Warner
8. Spectrum (formerly Time Warner)
9. Depends on how many drinks I have
10. Binary (But don’t hold it against me)
11. Binary (I hate myself and yearn to change my gender but am too afraid to do so as I’ve grown attached to my balls)
12. Speaking of balls I’m heading down to Little Italy for some spaghetti with meat balls
13. Are there real balls in meat balls? I only ask because they were slapping against my chin as I ate them.
14. English
15. I have this growth on the inside of my thigh. Might be a third ball. Might be a skin tag. Will this affect my gender identity choice?
16. Chewbacca
17. Self-identify as male but I’m also a dancer on Broadway which complicates things
18. Currently incarcerated and self-identify as female for my cell mate
19. My gender identity always changes. I’m like one of those fish that changes sexes. Only I never change sex. But sex and gender are not the same thing. You see gender is a bourgeois construct
20. I have man boobs. They used to be a source of shame but then I realized I could save money staying at home on Saturday night playing with them instead of hiring a sex worker
21. I am not defined by my external genitalia
22. Okay I’m pretty much defined by my external genitalia
23. Would you like to see my external genitalia?
24. Is that mace?
25. Jeesh it’s not like I asked you to touch it
26. Herman’s Hermits were a critically underrated band
27. Pete Best. Yes I realize he’s English but I want to be specific so no. 14 doesn’t apply
28. Used to to self-identify as male but then I had an accident involving a weed wacker. Now I self–identify as female
29. Do you happen to know a good lawyer?  Those weed wacker instructions were not clear
30. Mambo  no. 5

I’m sure I speak for all New Yorkers when I say well done, Mr. Mayor. Well done. By the way do any of my readers know a good lawyer. I’m serious about those weed wacker instructions.

(84)

PUSSY!!

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ pride ourselves on how enlightened and compassionate we are. And as a compassionate and enlightened person I wanted to show solidarity with my oppressed sisters by marching in this year’s Woman’s March.

But first I had to get permission. I mean only a man suffering from toxic masculinity would barge in on the parade unannounced. So I called the March headquarters.

WM:  Hello, Woman’s March headquarters

MI: May I speak to the man in charge?

[She hangs up]

At first I was surprised she hung up but upon reflection a woman’s work is never done and she probably had laundry to do.

So it was off to the March. But first I had to decide which march to march in.  The march had broken into two groups (probably a male trick – divide and conquer).

After much reflection and soul searching I decided to march with the group having the younger, more attractive women in it. (As an accomplished journalist I wanted to get the stories of women just starting out in life.)

So I bought a pussy hat and off I went to find the marchers.

After eventually finding a group of marchers and joining them I removed my jacket to reveal my “Clean my house and feed me” t shirt.  Some of the marchers didn’t understand that the shirt was supposed to be ironic. But that’s understandable. Women have a lot of work to do around the house and don’t have the resources to understand irony or subtlety.

So I decided to take pity on the woman and “mansplain” why the t shirt was ironic.

You see ladies. I’m here marching for your equal rights. And wearing a t shirt that says this displays toxic masculinity. That’s why it’s ironic. I know many of you probably were busy taking home economics courses in school and missed out on the subtlety but I assure you it’s because I support my sisters in every way. However if one of you honeys would like to come over and clean my house before cooking me an excellent meal I sure would appreciate it.

They seemed to accept my explanation and the march continued.

As we marched together I could feel a growing bond between me and the other marchers. So much so that I naturally wanted to become as intimate as possible with my new found friends.

After asking, by my count, over 400 women if they would like to see my penis and being rejected each time I had to speak up and voice my concerns.

What the hell is wrong with all of you?  Why don’t you want to see my penis?  Is is that time of the month for all of you? I just want to build upon the intimacy we all feel together. Any of you swallow?

I was then attacked by the marchers and beaten unconscious.  (Women can be so emotional and irrational sometimes!)

And so ended my involvement with the Women’s March 2019.  All in all I continue to support the cause. But just be careful about getting on their nerves during their periods.

(38)