Manhattan Infidel Ain’t Got Nuttin’

I got nuttin’

Being a world famous has its perks. After all who wouldn’t like to avoid all human contact to write and not get paid for it?  Sounds fun, right? But sometimes after eight and half years and 2,076 posts even my fertile imagination (I watch a lot of porn) comes up empty.

I followed my usual morning routine (woke up, brushed my teeth, went to the window and flashed my morning wood to the neighbors) and I still cannot think of a topic for today’s post. And so I open up the pages of Manhattan Infidel to my readers. Perhaps they have some suggestions as to topics?

Note:  Since no none actually reads my blog so all suggestions are made up and are from imaginary people.

C.H.E of alligator infested Florida writes:

I enjoy your blog immensely. I was wondering if you could perhaps give us your take on the medieval controversies between the Franciscans and the Dominicans over the Immaculate Conception?

No.  Did you get my photos?

C.H.E of alligator infested Florida also writes:

P.S. Please don’t send me any more pictures of your penis.

I don’t see what the problem is. In many cultures sending a picture of one’s penis is considered an honor. Besides the photos were very artistic. Lots of profile shots. What can I say?  C.H.E. is a penis hater.

Pete Best of Liverpool England writes:

Please don’t write about me any more in your blog. I’m serious. It’s not my fault the Beatles fired me. They were just jealous. I’m a better drummer than Ringo!

I’m just breaking your balls a little bit. That’s all. Now go home and get your f*ckng shinebox.

Pete Best of Liverpool England also writes:

Motherf*cker! You piece of shit!  Oh, and did you get my resume?

Yes I did. I used it to wipe my ass.

Vladimir Putin from the Kremlin writes:

I enjoy our blog. It is the only news outlet in America that tells the truth. I have one suggestion. Well two actually. One. Keep up the Russian collusion stories. They are really amusing. Two. Stop sending me photos of your penis.

I can’t make any promises about the Russian collusion narrative. It seems to have run its course. As far as the photos of my penis I’m sorry. They were supposed to go to C.H.E. of alligator-infested Florida.

Vladimir Putin from the Kremlin also writes:

You too? I thought I was the only one sending her photos of my penis. Though no profile shots as of yet.

Sheila from a peace and love commune writes:

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

Take a bath, hippie! And did you enjoy the photos of my penis?

Well that’s about all I have for today. I promise to be back tomorrow with original content. Thank you for all your suggestions.

(9)

Vulcans Experience Little Success in Earth Dating Scene!

To lubricate that area of my body is highly illogical

Many Vulcans, who first came to Earth in hopes of non Pon-Farr approved mating are returning to Vulcan, disappointed at their lack of mating success.

“Mating only once every seven years may be logical but it is constricting” said one Vulcan.

I had heard that humans mate often. Every day. Maybe twice or three times a day. At least that’s what Captain Kirk told me. He shared his many mating experiences with me. By the way what is a rusty trombone?  So I came to Earth. I was looking forward to many, many, many highly illogical but pleasurable mating experiences. I was not as successful as I had anticipated and that is illogical. I am in the prime of my mating life. I should be able to find many prospective mates for hookups as I believe you humans call it.

Instead of success the Vulcan in question found his pick up lines mocked by human females.

I was told that women admire confidence so I would go up to them in bars and say “I want to engage in a highly logical session of coitus with you.” I usually ended up being maced. Fortunately we Vulcans have an inner eyelid that kept most of the mace out of my eyes. Still, it was an unpleasant experience. Very illogical this irrationality of the human female.

Another Vulcan, who landed in the heart of Manhattan’s Chelsea neighborhood spoke of locals attempting to engage him in illogical sexual practices.

“My attempts to engage the local population in sexual activity were interesting to say the least” declares the sexually unsuccessful Vulcan.

Even though I am male people kept asking me if I perhaps self-identified as female. They wanted to know if I was gender fluid and non-binary. I did not know how to answer these questions. And when they weren’t asking me if I were non-binary they were trying to get me to lubricate myself. To lubricate an orifice of my body that has no natural lubricants and was not meant to be penetrated seemed illogical to me. They then called me a “hater” and told me to go back to the red state I came from. I merely wanted to engage in pleasurable sexual activity during a non Pon Farr period. I did not need to be called names. Since Vulcans have no feelings the name calling did not affect me. Okay I cried when I was alone. But you can’t tell anyone about this. If the other Vulcans knew I wouldn’t get any even during my next Pon Farr.

Police in New York City report finding many Vulcans passed out in the street on Saturday nights in a puddle of their own vomit.

“Yeah these Vulcans just can’t handle rejection. Once every seven years? Why don’t they just get married” said a detective.

The Vulcan High Command has ordered all Vulcans to leave Earth and return to Vulcan.

“The Vulcans on Earth are giving us a bad name. I mean keep your shit together or people might start thinking we are Romulan.”

(4)

Vacationer From Planet Ferenginar Arrested After Stroking His Lobes In Public!

I’ll give you ten bars of gold-pressed latinum if you stroke my lobes!

A Ferengi visiting Earth was arrested and charged with stroking his lobes in public, a Class B misdemeanor punishable by a fine of $500 and/or two weeks in jail.

The trouble for the Ferengi tourist began after he complained to authorities that the “human females were clothed.”

“I didn’t know what to tell him” said a detective with Manhattan’s Midtown South precinct.

Yeah our women wear clothing. It’s just a tradition. Well except for ugly, obese feminists who like to parade around town topless. Being topless is not against the law in New York City. Unfortunately the only people who take advantage of this law are the ones you don’t want to see topless. Lena Dunham, Mayor De Blasio. You know the type. So I had to explain to him that I didn’t know what the laws were on Ferenginar but here women wear clothing. He started swearing and said he paid 2000 bars of gold-pressed latinum for this vacation and he wants to see naked females. I suggested he try the Hamptons.

Rebuffed by the NYPD the Ferengi then walked around Times Square asking locals where he could find “some good porno.”

“We were very polite but told him we didn’t know” said a fellow tourist and his wife visiting from Tampa, Florida.

He was very rude. I heard New Yorkers were rude. After I told him I didn’t know where the porno was he asked me why I let my wife wear clothing. I tried to joke my way out of it and said that she doesn’t wear clothing in the bedroom where it counts. He didn’t appreciate my joke and threw his hands up in the air and said “Goddammit where the hell is the porno!”

Still searching for porno the Ferengi entered The New Amerstam Theatre on 42nd street where a production of “Mary Poppins” was being staged. He was asked to leave after standing up in his seat and shouting “This is the worst f*cking porno show ever!”

After being thrown out of the New Amsterdam he approached a woman on the street and offered her gold-pressed latinum if she would rub his lobes.

“I’ve done a lot of things to pay my bills. I’m not ashamed of that” said the woman in question.

But what the hell is gold-pressed latinum anyway?  If its as useless as the dollar then no deal. If a fella wants his lobes stroked he’s got to pay me in cash. That’s just how I operate.

It was at this point that the desperate Ferengi started stroking his ears on the corner of 42nd and 8th avenue.

“He was making quite the scene” said the arresting officer.

He was rocking his hips back and forth and shouting “Oh god, yes, yes.  That makes the lobes feel great.” Technically there is no law against stroking  your earlobes in public so I arrested him for disturbing the peace.

Once ticketed the Ferengi was released on his own recognizance.

“The Ferengi might want to update their tourist guides. This isn’t the 1970s” said the precinct sergeant.

“But I’ll tell you one thing. If it’s true that the Ferengi keep women naked it sounds like a fun place. I think I’ll take the wife there.”

(2)

Manhattan Infidel Has an Unpleasant Encounter With CNN!

This is CNN. You shall not make fun of us.

Being a blogger it is my sacred duty to make shit up. Satire is the charitable name for it. Free speech is the classical name for it. However recently a dark force of evil has arisen that threatens us all. And that dark force is……erectile dysfunction.  No wait. I’m sorry. That dark force of evil is…..CNN.

Recently CNN threatened to out a 15-year old who made a meme that hurt their corporate feelings. Drunk with power and needing more people to punish they recently came after yours truly.

I now document that encounter for my readers.

Note: Some events have been fictionalized for dramatic effect. Okay all events may have been fictionalized for dramatic effect. Okay, not none of this actually happened. But if CNN would like to come after me I welcome the publicity.

It all started with a knock at my door.

[Knock on door]

MI: Hello. Who’s knocking on my door?

CNN: Manhattan Infidel this is CNN.

MI: Jeepers it’s CNN. I had better hide.

[Knock on door]

CNN: Manhattan Infidel this is your final warning. This is CNN!

MI: Yeah, how do I know it’s not James Earl Jones.

CNN:Well that’s a good point. But no. It’s CNN. Open the door now or we will expose you to the American people.

MI: Oh please. I expose myself to the American people all the time. Just ask my parole officer.

CNN: Manhattan Infidel this is CNN. You have made fun of us for the last time. Open the door now or we shall break it down with the self-righteous anger of the elite!

MI: Sorry can’t open the door now.

CNN: Manhattan Infidel open the door right now!

MI: No thanks I gave at the office.

CNN: Oh come on Manhattan Infidel open the door. Please? We have to berate you for not showing proper respect for the elite.

MI: I’m not opening the door. I have Russians inside. We are colluding together.

CNN: Damn Russians. They are everywhere. I have to go to the bathroom.

MI: Go away.

CNN: Manhattan Infidel open the door so we can berate you.

MI: No.

CNN: Manhattan Infidel open the door. We all have to go to the bathroom.

MI:  Pee in the hallway for all I care.

[Pause]

CNN: Manhattan Infidel if you don’t open the door we’ll leave.

MI: Good bye.

[Pause]

CNN: We mean it.

MI: I know. It’s probably the first true thing CNN has said all year.

[Pause]

CNN: We really, really have to go to the bathroom.

[Pause]

CNN: Ah crap. These are new pants.

MI: Are you peeing in the hallway?

CNN: No.

[Pause]

CNN: Yes.

[Pause]

CNN:  Manhattan Infidel we are leaving now. But we will be back!

MI: Bye.

CNN: One last thing before we go. Do you have any extra pants. We have a big stain running down the front of ours. It’s visible and people might make fun of us.

MI: Goodbye.

CNN: You win this time. But we shall prevail. We are CNN. We are……

[Pause]

CNN: Oh crap. Wow.  So much for my weak stream. Ah that is such a relief. The prune juice really works.

MI: I can smell that. You better clean that up!

That was CNN.

(50)

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Frankenstein Monster Apologizes for Throwing Girl in the Water; Blames Coffee Addiction!

Hey kid, don’t give me any shit. I haven’t had my coffee yet!

Under fire for allegedly drowning a young girl, the Frankenstein Monster tweeted today that he was “profoundly sorry for the incident.”

“I take full responsibility” said the Monster.

Did you ever just have one of those days? It’s kind of like that. It was early and I was was wandering around in a haze. I haven’t had my coffee yet you see. I can’t function without my coffee. So I bump into this little girl and she starts hassling me, asking me to play a game with her. Look I know we have to be kind to kids and all that shit so I humored her for awhile. But what I really wanted was to find the nearest Starbucks. That’s all I wanted. I tried to ask her that but she kept interrupting me and asking me to play another game. I don’t have time for this shit. Without that morning coffee I could kill. Literally. Finally I snapped and threw her in the water. While I appreciate the fact that my apology will not bring their daughter back I ask the parents to forgive me. I also offer my services. I can mow their lawn. I’m pretty tall so if they need me to trim their hedges I can do that as well. I hope this will get the Lord Mayor to call off the villagers with their torches. Fire bad!

Meanwhile the Lord Mayor has called off  the mob of torch-wielding citizens, but not because of the Monster’s apology.

“I got in trouble with the EPA” said the Lord Mayor.

They sent some agents to my house and told me that all those torches were damaging the environment. They were giving off too much particulate matter they said. What the f*ck is particulate matter? Seriously they threatened to sue my ass. I told them I needed the torches to burn the Monster. Do you know what they said? They told me to “respect diversity.” Idiots. So I had to ixnay the torches. Too bad. Nothing like setting a monster on fire to make me feel good about myself. So then I thought what about guns? We’ll just shoot the child-killing bastard. But I couldn’t even do that. Turns out we have these safe laws and all the villagers had their guns locked up and the ammo stored separately. Like that makes a lot of f*cking sense. By the time everyone locates their ammo the Monster will be halfway across the country. God I hate the government. Screw it. Let the Monster live and kill again. I’m washing my hands of the whole thing.

As for the Monster himself he thanks the various government agencies for protecting him from the wrath of the villagers.

I just want to say how grateful I am to the EPA and everyone else. Once I have a few cups of coffee in me I’m actually a very nice guy. Except around fire. Fire bad!

He then tweeted a photo of himself drinking coffee.

Ah, that coffee hits the spot!

“See that look of contentment on my face? Only coffee can do that. Well coffee and perhaps a mate. Maybe I’ll find a bride eventually. I hope so. A bride of Frankenstein! We can have Sunday brunch together, read the New York Times and drink coffee. Lots of coffee”

(12)

Borg Successful in Earth Dating Scene!

You will be assimilated. Here are some flowers

The Borg, a species from the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy, have begun making inroads on Match and eHarmony, prompting both sites to offer “Borg Assimilation” weekends for free.

“Confidence is very sexy” said a woman who dated a Borg.

And when he told me that resistance was futile I melted. Finally a man who isn’t afraid to take charge! We went out to dinner. Chinese. Apparently the Borg love Chinese food. He kept telling me that the General Tso’s chicken “shall be assimilated.” Anyway then we went back to his place. His “Cube” he called it. And oh the passion! He removed his pants and said “Resist this!” Naturally I couldn’t. Though his penis did have some weird cybernetic attachments. Then he started putting attachments onto me. So?  He’s into costumes and roll play. I’m game. We spent the night consummating our passion. He didn’t even need to sleep afterwards. He just popped into his regeneration chamber for a few moments, came out and we did it again. It’s true what they say: “Once you’ve had Borg you never go back.”

Another woman tells a similar tale.

I’m pretty open minded. I’ve dated Blacks, Puerto Ricans, even Ferengi. So you can say I’m pretty experienced. But I’ve never had a Borg before. They are passionate yet intimate love makers. He was on top of me and I looked into his eyes the entire time. Well, his eye. I had him cover up his eye implant on the one eye since the red laser light coming out of it wasn’t helping me release my chakras. But I’m hooked. From now on I am only dating Borg men. And women. And trans Borg, if they have any. Pre-op if possible.

However opposition to interplanetary dating is growing, with many calling for an outright ban on Borg-human hook ups.

“I only have one daughter and naturally I care about who she dates” said a father as he testified in front of Congress.

I used to have only one rule: No Irish. I only want my daughter dating respectable classes you see. But then she brought home this Borg. And she was all decked out in Borg implants. She said she had never been happier with the voices of the collective in her head. Come on! Do you know how much money I’ve spent on psychiatrists so she wouldn’t hear voices? And here comes this Borg with his Borg collective charm ruining all that. Never again. If I ever have another daughter and she brings home a Borg I’m going full Negan and taking a baseball bat to his skull!

As for the Borg, a message from the Borg Collective may explain why they like Earth women.

“We are the Borg. We assimilate species throughout the galaxy. That’s what we do. But sometimes you have to get your freak on. Klingons are too rough and Romulans are too icy. Earth girls are just the right balance.”

(27)

On Independence Day The Queen’s Loyal Subjects Get Their Revenge and Beat the Yankees!

“Baseball has been colluding with the Russians to overthrow America for a long time now. Impeach baseball!” ~ Maxine Waters

‘Murica, baby!

The slumping Yankees, who haven’t won the last six series welcomed the bastard Canadian Toronto Blue Jays to ‘Murica for a July 4th matinee. The Yankees started CC Sabathia (7-3 3.81) and the damn Canadian bastards J.A. Happ (3-5 3.47).

This was CC’s first start back from the DL. No rehab stints in the minors for CC. He can do it. This is CC after all, right?

Wrong.  CC lasted 2 2/3 innings, giving up four runs on three hits while walking three and striking out one.

Queen Elizabeth’s loyal subjects the Toronto Blue Jays batted round and scored four runs in the third. After getting the first two batters out Darwin Barney drew a walk and went to second on a wild pitch. Jose “total asshole” Bautista then singled him home. Russell Martin singled and Josh Donaldson walked, loading the bases. Justin Smoak walked, forcing in Russell Martin.  The next batter, Kendrys Morales singled home Martin and Donaldson.  4-0 Toronto after 2 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fourth when Aaron Judge led off the inning with his 27th home run of the year.  4-1 Toronto after four innings.

And that would prove to be the final score as ‘Murica was humiliated by the Queen’s loyal subjects. On Independence day no less.

Notes on the game:

Benedict Arnold was at the game.

Damn traitor!

No doubt happy to see the loyal subjects of the Queen defeating the Yankees. He had to leave the game early as his treasonous plot was discovered. He was last seen rowing downstream on the Hudson River to the safety of British lines.

A hot dog and a coke costs six dollars outside Yankee stadium. It costs 15 inside the Stadium. I had a hot dog and a coke outside the Stadium.

The beer menu in the bleachers.

Crack is cheaper. Let this be a lesson to the children: Stay with crack.

Being an alcoholic can be expensive sometimes. I should have stayed with crack. It’s cheaper.

Now it’s time for my annual State of Baseball rant.

Baseball is too great a game to destroy totally no matter how much the Lords of Baseball and their allies in the sports press try. But the game is suffering. It’s time to bring back classic baseball:

  1. Stop the loud pumped in music. Baseball is a game of silence.
  2. Get rid of the pitch count. Anyone seen with a clicker in the dugout should be slowly killed.
  3. Get rid of the DH.
  4. More day baseball.
  5. Get rid of the annoying between innings “entertainment.”  I’m here to see a f*cking baseball game not to see people dressed as sausages run around the stadium.
  6. Number six sponsored by Budweiser, the King of Beers.
  7. Bring back stirrups.  The baseball uniform should be worn with high stirrups showing.
  8. Number eight brought to you by Russian collusion.
  9. They have throwback uniform days. Why not throwback ticket and concession price days?
  10. Get rid of the damn replay rule. The game is slowing down enough already without the endless video reviews. Besides it takes away the fun of the managers screaming at umpires for blown calls.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “John Podesta is a pedophile” didn’t fire up the crowd. Pizza party my ass. We all know what those high-ranking Democrats were doing on Sex Island.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “My taxes are too high and my small business is being overregulated to death. What can I do?”

Change your party affiliation to Democrat. Once you’re a Democrat you become a member of the elite. And the rules do not apply to the elite.

C.H.E writes, “I live in Florida – ” 

Mistake number one.

C.H.E also writes, “But I haven’t finished my question yet.”

You live in Florida. May a distempered alligator poop on your lawn.

M.P.A of confederate sympathizing Maryland writes, “The different forms of labor,  if slavery were not perverted to purposes of political ambition, need not constitute an element of strife in the confederacy.”

I hear you. We are all slaves. Some chattel. Some wage slaves.

Recommended reading material:  “I, the Jury, My Gun is Quick, Vengeance is Mine!: The Mike Hammer Collection, Volume 1 by Mickey Spillane.”

My record is 4-4 this year. My next game is Friday July 28th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

(8)

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Happy Independence Day! (And Other Ramblings of a Demented Blogger)

Happy Alt-Right White Nationalist Holiday!

Happy pre-Independence Day, or as our masters call it, “Alt-Right White Nationalist Day.”

Lately I’ve been wondering what form our second civil war will take. There are two possible scenarios.

Scenario One:

Much like the last civil war states will secede. California will secede first. (I get it California. You’re embarrassed to be part of America and hate us. Well to tell the truth the feeling is kind of mutual.) Once California secedes Oregon and Washington will follow (and possibly Hawaii, Arizona and New Mexico.)

They will form the Peoples West Coast Democratic Socialist Republic and write a new constitution based on the compassionate social and economic pogroms, er, programs of Stalin and Mao (sorry Trotskyites you’re shit out of luck).

On the east coast every state from Maine down to Virginia will secede and form the Peoples East Coast Democratic Socialist Republic. They will write a new constitution based on the compassionate social and economic pogroms, er, programs of Stalin and Mao (again, sorry Trotskyites).

Poor Leon Trotsy, the Pete Best of socialism. And Virginia, didn’t you learn anything from the last time you seceded?

This scenario, while possible I don’t think is probable for no other reason than our military is so powerful and technologically advanced that it could bring down a world of ruin upon any seceding state that would make Sherman envious.

That brings us to scenario number two: The Northern Ireland model.

I think we are in for a decades-long guerrilla war filled with bombings, assassinations, paramilitary groups, splinter paramilitary groups, cease fires, broken cease fires and arms dumps.

Don’t think it could happen? There is a deep hatred between Democrats and Republicans that was unthinkable a generation ago.

Simply put we despise each other, we don’t share the same values and there is no common ground between us.

I believe in the Constitution, the greatest document for human freedom ever written and the limited government it envisioned.

The so-called progressive movement on the other hand, which is actually the regressive movement, seeks to centralize power into the hands of one man.

The progressives love royalty (hence their infatuation with the British royal family) and consider themselves the new aristocracy, the new Brahmin class and everyone who is not part of their aristocracy are the untouchables. (And no I don’t mean Eliot Ness’ group.)

It is much like 1860 again here in America. And much like 1860 our Brahmin caste is rejecting the results of an election, rejecting the rule of law and seeking to continue the subjugation of a people they consider their moral and intellectual inferiors.

Once this war breaks out and, to spin Lincoln’s phrase on its head, the malevolent angels of our nature are unleashed, it will be hard to put that genie back in the box. Things will degenerate. Private scores will be settled under the guise of political differences. People will be woken up at 3 in the morning, taken out into an abandoned field, shot in the back of the head and their bodies buried with their families never being able to recover the body.

Our second civil war is already here only the fighting has yet to break out.

Granted America is a continent not a tiny island like Ireland (much less an even tinier segment in the northeast of that island) and there will be thousands of miles untouched by the civil war. But both coasts will probably be destroyed.

And here’s another thing for our Brahmins to consider: The people who don’t shit their pants at the thought of a gun will, for the most part, be fighting against you.

Oh well. Perhaps I’m being overly pessimistic. But I don’t think so.

In the meantime please read the Declaration of Independence. Pay special attention to the words “He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.”

Yeah, I’m looking at you EPA, FDA, Department of the Interior, Department of Education, Homeland Security, etc, etc, etc.

 

In Congress, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

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Doctor McCoy Admits He’s Actually a Mechanic!

You think they would have figured it out before now

Scandal has rocked the staid world aboard the Enterprise as the ship’s chief medical officer, Doctor Leonard McCoy announced that he has no training in medicine and is in fact a mechanic back on Earth.

McCoy was first unmasked when Star Fleet asked him to renew his credentials.

“He just looked at me and said “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a mechanic” said the Enterprise’s captain James Kirk.

But then I told that this was an order and that he had to re-certify himself. He just shrugged his shoulders and repeated the line about not being a mechanic. He was always saying that. In retrospect I think he was trying to tell us something. I should have known he wasn’t a real doctor that time he told me I had advanced arthritis. Me? Jim Kirk with arthritis? I still have a full range of motion and am quite bendy. Just ask the ladies.

Once McCoy admitted that he couldn’t re-certify since he wasn’t certified in the first place a team of inspectors arrived on the Enterprise and combed the medical bridge.

“The crew here has to be the dumbest ever” said a Star Fleet official.

It took three years for them to realize that he wasn’t a real doctor and that the equipment he used to examine them was nothing more than salt shakers? Careers are going to end over this. Though I guess I should have realized sooner as well. All his medical reports sent to Star Fleet only contained three words: “He’s dead, Jim.” At first I didn’t mind. When you have to read reports all day you appreciate succinctness. But every report?

Nurse Christine Chapel, head nurse about the Enterprise has also come under fire for her incompetence in not realizing McCoy was a fake.

We spent hours questioning her about McCoy. Did she suspect he wasn’t a real doctor? Do you know what she said? “I had confidence in his judgement. When he said a man was dead by golly they were dead. And you just can’t teach that.”  Then she left to go make plomeek soup for the pointy-eared science officer who she apparently has the hots for. Is everyone on board this ship crazy?

When confronted with the evidence McCoy admitted that he was not a doctor.

“I knew they’d find out eventually” said McCoy.

I kept telling them I wasn’t a mechanic. Every day. You’d think they’d realize I was trying to confess. I am a mechanic! Back on earth I’m a mechanic at a gas station in LaGrange, New York at the corner of Noxon and Titusville roads. But a mechanic is hard work and not very glamorous. Certainly mechanics don’t get much pussy. So when a cousin of mine joined Star Fleet I decided to pretend I was a doctor. I figured it would be glamorous, I wouldn’t have to work too hard and women would come crawling to me. Well two out of three ain’t bad. Most of the women Kirk was banging. I couldn’t even get Nurse Chapel. She only had eyes for the green-blooded son of a bitch.

Now that he has confessed McCoy has been banned from all Star Fleet property and will be sent back to Earth.

“I guess it’s back to being a mechanic again. I just hope the shop gives me my old job back.”

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My Exclusive Interview With Jeff Zucker

This is CNN, the most trusted name in fake news

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the head of CNN, Jeff Zucker.

As many of you many of you may know CNN is currently embroiled in a scandal involving a story they ran on a Russian investment fund with ties to Trump officials. The story has since proven false and those involved in the story, Thomas Frank, who wrote the story in question; Eric Lichtblau, an editor in the unit; and Lex Haris, who oversaw the unit, have all left CNN.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Zucker.

JZ: Good afternoon inconsequential blogger who has never had dinner at expensive restaurants with the elite of America.

MI:Um. Right. Let’s get right to the story my readers want to know about. You are the head of CNN

JZ:The most trusted name in news.

MI: CNN published a story last week about an investment firm with ties to the Trump administration. This story has since proven to be false and three CNN employees had to resign. Would you care to comment on this?

JZ: Sean Spicer is a coward and he should open up the press briefings to cameras.

MI: Okay back to my question. The story was retracted and CNN employees had to resign because the story did not meet CNN’s editorial standards. What exactly are CNN’s editorial standards?

JZ: An excellent question. I’m surprised a non-elite working class blogger such as yourself has the intelligence to think of it.

MI: Wait. Did you just call me –

JZ:  At CNN we pride ourselves on having the highest editorial standards.

MI: What exactly is CNN’s process for determining whether to run with a story?

JZ: It’s quite simple really. So simple even an non-elite such as yourself could understand. Any story that will embarrass Republicans or Donald Trump has to have exactly one anonymous source. Zero sources are even better. Sometimes we go out of our way to create stories.

MI: Create stories? How?

JZ:  Let me give you an example. We paid that guy to hang out around the ballfield in Virginia that the Republicans practiced on. We were hoping he’d catch those alt-right white nationalists having sex with each other. Instead he decided to shoot them. A nice touch. And you know what’s even nicer? That alt-right nationalist cisgender Steve Scalise was saved by a femqueer.

MI: What? So you make stuff up.

JZ: If that’s what you deplorables call it. We are the most trusted name in news.

MI: You paid James Hodgkinson to case out the ballfield and you never suspected he’d shoot the place up?

JZ: Like I said it was a nice touch.

MI: This is amazing.

JZ: Hold on. My phone is going off. [Answers phone].  Really?  Really? Run with it! Run with the story! We have to break with this story before MSNBC does!

MI: Breaking news?

JZ: We have zero anonymous sources who say that Trump is a Romulan spy and Melania is a transsexual. Oh boy! This is going to bring down his presidency. And CNN broke the story first!  Sorry but I have to cut this short. I’m needed in the newsroom.

[Zucker leaves]

MI:  Okay well bye then. I’ll just finish up here.

You know I wish I were an elite and not a deplorable. Then I’d understand the ways of the mainstream media. I’ll guess I’ll just have to settle for being the most trusted name in news.

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