Power! I must have unlimited power!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to present my exclusive interview with one of the world’s most fascinating people. I am of course referring to none other than Climate Change himself.

MI:  Good morning Climate Change.  Or should I call you Global Warming?

CC:  I answer to both.  Like Richard Starkey and Ringo Starr.  It’s the same.

MI:  Got it.  You were originally Global Warming then you were rebooted as Climate Change.  Was there any difference?

CC:  No. It was a marketing decision. My people figured that calling myself “Climate Change” would be more amenable to the red state MAGA hicks than “Global Warming.”

MI:  Who are your marketing people?

CC:  They’re very famous actually.  They are the same ones who market Bud Light.

MI:  I see.  Anyway, what do you, Climate Change, want from us?

CC:  Power!  I must have unlimited power!

MI:  Well you’re not asking for much are you?

CC:  Quiet serf!  Bow down before my climatic climate change!  I am the master of everything.  If the world is to survive all must obey me and do as they are told.

MI:  Okay I’ll bite.  What do you demand of us?

CC:  Your light bulbs. Your electrical grids. Your gas-powered cars. Your air conditioners. Your washers and dryers!  I must have them all!  Mankind must learn to do without!

MI:  Is that all?

CC:  No.  Your meat eating must stop! Meat eating is unsustainable. Eat bugs instead.

MI:  But – 

CC:  Do as I say or your village shall burn!  Burn in fire caused by Climate Change.  Your crops will fail! Your oceans shall rise!  Your water supply will dry up!  

[Pause]

MI: You’re a bit of an asshole, aren’t you?

CC:  Hey, I have a job to do. If that means I have to step on people’s toes so be it.

MI:  Even Greta Thunberg?

CC:  Jesus don’t get me started on that little shit. She’s always following me around asking for autographs.  It’s like having a groupie.

[Greta Thunberg enters]

You will not ignore me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GT:  Are you avoiding me?  I called you five times last night and you didn’t answer!

CC:  Hey Greta. Be cool girl. I told you we were just friends.

GT:  I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!  I LOVE YOU!

CC:  Kid we had fun once. It was just a fling okay? Be cool baby.

GT:  Well if I can’t have you, then no one can!

[She pulls out a gun]

CC:  Whoa.  Everyone be calm. Greta baby put the gun away.

GT: Do you still love me?

CC:  Yes of course I do. Now put the gun down. You know gun shot residue causes climate change, don’t you?

GT:  Then I’ll stab you!

[She pulls out a knife]

CC:  Psycho bitch!

[Climate Change runs away]

GT: Wait come back.  I love you!  God I love you so much!

[She runs after Climate Change.  A gunshot is heard]

CC:  Ah my groin!  Not in my area!  Not in my area!

MI:  Hey does this mean I can keep my AC, meat, lightbulbs, electric grids, gas powered cars and washers and dryers?

[No response from Climate Change except for faint moaning]

MI: Well that’s about all I guess.  I’d like to thank Climate Change for his time.

And so ended my interview with Climate Change. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to buy a big ass SUV and an air conditioner with seven million BTUs.

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