Too honest for politics

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest the controversial and recently deposed ex-congressman George Santos.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Santos.  I’d call you congressman Santos but, well, you know.

GS: Yeah, the bastards kicked me out. Said I was too corrupt for congress.

MI:  Let’s talk about that. You have been accused of many serious irregularities such as lying on your resume, using campaign funds for botox injections and –

GS: This is serious? Come on. It’s congress. I was probably the most honest member of the bunch.

MI:  Honest?

GS: Yes. All I wanted to do was serve my constituents.

[Bob Menendez enters]

The Santos fellow doesn’t fit in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

BM:  Serve your constituents?  Serve your constituents?

GS:  Yes. Like any member of congress I just wanted to do what was in the best interest of America and the people who elected me.

BM:  The best interest of America? You see! You see Manhattan Infidel why the House had to kick him out. He didn’t fit in. My god. Serve the interests of America? What sort of Boy Scout nonsense is that?

MI:  So you’re saying –

BM:  They had to kick him out. He wasn’t corrupt enough! He was making us all look bad.

MI:  Santos was making you look bad?

GS: Hey I can speak for myself.  I was making you look bad?

BM: Yes. You’re bush league corrupt. If you want to be in congress you have to sit at the adult table. Do you think I got to be a multi-millionaire by serving the needs of my constituents? No. I’m so corrupt I sell myself to the highest bidder. Now I have more money than I know what to do with. Did you know I have a solid gold toilet?

MI & GS:  No we did not.

BM: That’s right. I’m sitting and shitting on a pile of gold. Not only that but the people I answer to gave me a special device that converts my feces to gold bars. Here. Have some of my shit.

[He hands out gold bars]

BM: Each gold bar is stamped with the time of my bowel movement and what I had for dinner that night.

MI & GS:  Um. Thanks.

BM:  So George get with the program. Stop embarrassing yourself and Congress. Man up and be more corrupt.

[Chuck Schumer enters]

The man’s a pile of shit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  There he is. The embarrassment that is Santos. You don’t know how to lie on a resume. I am the master of lying.

GS:  How so?

CS: Do you think I’m human?  I’m actually a pile of crap.

MI: Really?

CS: I reveal unto you my true self.

[Schumer turns into a pile of feces]

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Chuck Schumer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: I always knew you were a piece of shit.

BM: Hey Chuck, would you like to be a gold-plated piece of shit? I can do that for you.

CS:  Hell yeah. You can do that?

BM: Sure. I’ll just take you home to my kiln. But I have to keep you fresh. Do you mind if I swallow you?

CS: If it will increase my value go ahead.

[Menendez swallows the pile of crap that is Chuck Schumer]

BM: Okay I have to go now. I must get home and crap out Chuck.

[He leaves]

GS:  They’re right you know. I’m not worthy to be in congress. I’m not corrupt enough.

MI: What’s next for you.

GS:  I have to start building up my corrupt credentials slowly, so I guess I’ll become a TV news anchor.

[Santos leaves]

And so ended my interview with the not-corrupt-enough George Santos. Via con Dios, young man. And may you learn the art of corruption.

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