Manhattan Infidel guarantees the scientific accuracy of your horoscope

Being a member of society’s dregs elite I am of course a man of science.  And what is more scientific than the horoscope!  So today, presented for your approval, is the totally scientific and accurate horoscope.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18th)

You will need to take a tougher stance with people you don’t get along with on the work front. Hopefully they will notice that you are not in the mood to play silly games, but if they don’t then they will find out the hard way. Speaking of the hard way stop OD’ing on Viagra and put some pants on will ya?  And take those dick photos off your resume. That is so 2010s.

Pisces (Feb 19th – Mar 20th)

The message of the stars for the coming week is that you must go your own way and do your own thing. Speaking of “doing your own thing” you’ll be getting a shipment of “toys” in the mail.  Don’t worry. They always come in an unmarked box. How do I know this? Um. Just an educated guess.

Aries (Mar 21st – April 19th)

If you feel the need to break free of restrictions but are not sure what to do, find the nearest Pisces and ask him where he bought his “toys.”  Don’t worry they always come in an unmarked box. Unless you’re an Aries loser in which case the box will say “Sex toys for the pervert.”  On a related note the neighbors no longer want you around their children.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

If you get involved in some kind of dispute over the next few days you must make every effort to stay calm and rise above whatever comments others choose to make. After all, it’s none of their business that you’ve cornered the market on Japanese sex dolls. They are just jealous.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

You can save a lot of time and effort this weekend by hiring a professional to set up your sex chair and dungeon room.  Remember what happened last time when you got stuck in the chair and had to call 911? Boy was that embarrassing.  I’m just glad the first responders filmed you and put it on the internet so I could watch.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

After helping your Gemini neighbor set up his sex chair you will decide to buy one of your own. Just do your research first. Don’t buy a cheap one made of glass because if it breaks your ass is glass as the saying goes. Also your lucky number is 37.  Also you will discover a sore on the underside of your scrotum. Probably nothing to worry about but just in case stock up on the valacyclovir.

Leo (July 23rd – Aug 22nd)

Stay calm and continue to believe that everything will come good in the end. Speaking of coming to a good end have you considered buying a sex chair? Or a sex sofa? What about a sex swing set? (Just don’t let the kids on it.)

Virgo (Aug 23rd – Sep 22nd)

Someone you did a good deed for in the past will want to do something for you in return and you must let them even if you aren’t sexually attracted to them. Just close your eyes and hold on to the sex swing set. And change your safe word.  “More” as a safe word will only lead to misunderstandings. And rashes.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22nd)

Your body will tell you when it is time to slow down, and that time is not yet. Yes. You’re a very kinky girl. The kind you don’t take home to mother. You’re a freak. A super freak. You’re super freaky. Just avoid sex chairs that are past warranty. Your lucky number is 69.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21st)

If there is something you desire to possess now is the time to reach for it. Only get her consent first. Preferably in writing. Because once you have that in writing it won’t matter that she suffocated in your sex dungeon. She gave consent! Consent not valid for those under 17.

Sagittarius   (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Remember, what you do for others also do for yourself. If you can reach around. If not try yoga. After a few sessions you may be able to reach around. At the very least you’ll be a lot more bendy. And that will come in handy if you want to escape from the sex chair you got stuck in.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 19)

Team activities are now under excellent stars, so don’t you dare be a loner. You know you’ve always wanted a “group session” wink wink. Just keep in mind that as a Capricorn people naturally despise you so you may have to pay through the nose for the “group session.”  Your lucky number is zero. Also a dog will pee on you, probably because you are so boring he mistook you for a tree.

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