Wonder Woman Crashes Invisible Jet; NTSB Searches for Black Box!

Dead!

Tragedy struck the superhero world today as Wonder Woman died in a crash of her invisible jet.

“I was out mowing my lawn” said a man who witnessed the crash.

And then I heard what sounded like an airplane engine. Then poof!  My neighbor’s house goes up in flames. I figure either Wonder Woman has crashed her invisible jet again or my neighbor was using a Samsung. Either way I barely escape the flames. F*cking Samsung. F*cking Wonder Woman. It’s getting to the point where an ordinary, tax-paying citizen can’t even mow his lawn. Yeah, I pay my taxes. Is that something these superhero elite do? 

This would mark Wonder Woman’s fourth crash of an invisible jet.

In truth the Federal Aviation Commission had long been concerned not only with the experimental technology of Wonder Woman’s invisible jet but with her flight skills.

“We had reservations about Wonder Woman” said FAA administrator Michael Huerta.

This invisible plane not only was using experimental invisible technology but it was a safety hazard in the skies. Being invisible to the eye and to radar no other planes could see it. We were worried about the possibility of a collision. It all depended on Wonder Woman’s piloting skills. And let me just say she was no Sully Sullenberger. She had no credentials. Never was in a simulator. She didn’t seem to care about flight safety or improving her skills. When we brought this up she dismiss us and say, “Relax boys. I fight for justice.”  When I complained to the President she told him I was being patriarchal and couldn’t handle a strong woman.

Meanwhile the National Transportation Safety Board was dispatched to the scene of the crash.

“Well first off we had to ascertain if it was indeed another crash of the f*cking invisible jet” said NTSB chairman Christopher Hart.

It was getting to the point where we had people on standby just for “Wonder Woman incidents” as we called them. It might have been a Samsung we didn’t know. But then one of our agents found a belt that could only be hers.

So ugly only a Chinese communist would wear it!

I mean no one else would wear something so ugly.. Unless it’s the Chinese communists that is. And we found a clavicle. It’s being tested for DNA now but we’re pretty sure it’s hers.

Chairman Hart is also concerned about the safety of his officers.

Jagged wreckage. Jagged invisible wreckage. Try wrapping your mind around that. That’s the shit my agents have to deal with. It’s dangerous. You know what? I hope that clavicle did belong to Wonder Woman. If she’s dead then my officers won’t have to worry about lacerations anymore. So screw her. Yeah, I’m not sorry she’s dead. And don’t give me any of that patriarchy can’t handle a strong woman crap. The bitch was a menace to the skies.

The reaction to Wonder Woman’s death was swift with the Justice League lowering their flags to half staff outside their Manhattan offices.

“She was the heart and soul of the team. I took inspiration from her courage and humanity” said a weeping Aquaman.

“Aquaman is such a wimp” countered Superman.

“All I care about is with her dead where am I going to get my p*ssy?”

(12)

Batman to Redesign Bat Suit After Gastrointestinal Accident!

This suit was not designed for those with irritable bowel syndrome

The famous caped crusader of Gotham City has announced that he will be taking a brief leave of absence from all crime fighting while he works on “some logistical crap” involving his bat suit.

“It’s a great bat suit” said Batman.

I mean Alfred really designed a good one.  It protects me from the bad guys and I look bitchin’ in it. Really. The ladies can’t resist a little Batman action when they see me sporting my suit. But it has certain practical problems.

Batman is referring to the fact that it often takes him a half hour or more to get in and out of his bat suit.

It’s all in one piece and the zipper isn’t conveniently located. So I often have Robin help me get into costume. He doesn’t mind. If anything he enjoys it a bit too much. But anyway the suit is difficult. And sometimes when the two of us are in Gotham waiting for a crime to happen we stop off at a fast food joint. I like to chow down on burgers, chicken wings, stuff like that. Plus a few big gulps. Well you can imagine what is going to happen to your body some time after all that.

It was after one incident in particular that Batman decided that a change was necessary.

Me and Robin, sorry, Robin and I, he always insists I use proper grammar, were chasing down a bad guy when I had to evacuate my bowels. I mean really evacuate. I have irritable bowel syndrome you see. So I had to stop and let the bad guy get away. The two of us found an alley and he was helping me out of my suit when I let loose. Let’s just say we didn’t get the suit off in time. I had to spend the rest of the day stewing in my own waste. Not fun.

Batman and Alfred have been hunkered down in the Batcave looking into alternative designs for his suit.

We considered double knit. It’s breathable. Easy to get into and take off. And most importantly tight. Very, very tight. For the chicks you know. But it didn’t offer enough protection in the field from the bad guys. So then we went really retro and I had Alfred design a suit of armor. Now that had advantages. It provided decent protection. But try driving a car in chain mail. The chain mail kept getting wrapped around the pedal. I almost crashed the bat mobile a couple times. My insurance rates are high enough as it is. So as it stands now there is no replacement bat suit. I’ve thought of fighting crime in a suit and tie and horn rimmed glasses. I mean it works for Superman. But apparently the bastard has the look copyrighted.

In the meantime while Batman gets his suit redesigned Robin will be fighting crime alone.

“I have total confidence in Robin” said Batman.

“Okay, that’s not true. He’ll probably end up getting killed. Stupid bitch. But hey, it means I can finally ask Cat Woman to move in with me.” 

(75)

Orgasm Equality with Gwyneth Paltrow!

ORGASM EQUALITY NOW!

Regular readers of Manhattan Infidel will know that Gwyneth Paltrow has graced our pages before. In fact she is one of our favorite targets. I mean subjects. Because Manhattan Infidel does not make things up. We are all about the facts.

And in keeping with our devotion to the facts here is our latest interview with the incredibly close to the common woman Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Paltrow. It’s a pleasure to have you back gracing my blog.

GP: I fill the entire world with grace. That’s what I do.

MI: Right. Anyway what would you like to talk about? Hollywood?  Your acting career?

GP: Orgasm equality.

MI: Orgasm…..equality?

GP: There is an orgasm gap in the world that threatens our very existence.

MI: Threatens…..our….

GP: Yes. This orgasm gap continues with 91 percent of adult men but only 64 percent of adult women climaxing in their last sexual encounter. This is a human rights issue.

MI: Human…rights?  Okay but let’s talk about – 

GP: Don’t change the subject. I’m here as a prophet of orgasm equality. Did you last partner achieve orgasm?

MI: Well she’s a robot I bought in Japan so I don’t really care.

GP: You should. Robots have feelings. It’s science.

MI: Right.

GP: But back to orgasm inequality.  Manhattan Infidel I want you to look at my genitalia.

[Gwyneth Paltrow raises her skirt and spreads her legs, revealing her genitalia]

MI: Okay sure.

GP: Look closely at my female organs. They are normal aren’t they?

MI: Yes. Quite normal.

GP: Then why am I not climaxing more often?  I have a theory.

MI: Which is?

GP: The penis was not designed to please women.

MI: Um.

GP: Manhattan Infidel, please stand up and remove your pants.

MI: Okay.

[Manhattan Infidel stands up and removed his pants and underwear]

GP: I have designed a machine that will attach itself to the penis –

[She slaps it on Manhattan Infidel’s penis]

GP:–  and stretch the penis into a shape designed to please women. I call it the Vibrating Stretching Shredder Machine.

MI: What the hell. Is this safe?

GP: Totally. Now you will experience a vibrating, shredding sensation.

MI: I feel dizzy.

GP: Then lie down.

[Manhattan Infidel lies down]

GP: Now bring me to orgasm.

MI: I can’t stand up. I’m vibrating too much.

GP: Then I shall get on top of you.

[She gets on top of Manhattan Infidel]

MI: What the hell is happening?  

GP: Your penis is being stretched and reshaped.

MI: What?  I like my penis just the way it is.

GP: Well that’s because you represent the patriarchy. Now bring me to orgasm! YES! YES! I AM CLIMAXING!  I AM CLIMAXING! ORGASM EQUALITY!

[She climbs off Manhattan Infidel]

GP: You see. My vibrating, stretching device will bring women to orgasm every time.

MI: I feel weak.

GP: You’re losing a lot of blood.

MI: Oh god.

GP: This is just a prototype. The lab didn’t warn me about the blood loss. Here, I have some tissues in my purse.

[She hands Manhattan Infidel some tissues to mop up the blood]

GP: Bye. And thank you for doing your part to bring about orgasm equality.

[She leaves]

MI: This….this isn’t helping stop the blood loss. I think I’m losing consciousness.

[Manhattan Infidel passes out]

You know I don’t care how much my readers like Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m never inviting her back.

(7)

Chelsea Clinton Wins Lifetime Achievement Award Beating out Pete Best, Dick Sargent and the Second Guy to Play Lionel on the Jeffersons!

This woman has so many accomplishments

Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former President Bill Clinton and former Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has been given the “Lifetime Impact Award” from Variety magazine, adding to her long list of accomplishments.

“New York City is a vibrant community” said a spokesman for Variety.

And Chelsea Clinton is a vibrant example of this vibrant community. She’s a vibrant, vibrating representative of a vibrant, vibrating community in a vibrant, vibrating city. Why just look at all the accomplishments this vibrant young woman has achieved in her young, vibrant life.  She done, um. Well not that. She didn’t do that. But she’s accomplished so much other stuff like, well, I can’t think of anything right now but believe me she’s accomplished a lot. So much.  Just the other day we were all in the conference room discussing whom we can give the lifetime achievement award to. And we all thought of Chelsea. She deserves it. She accomplished a lot. I mean no one could name one off the top of our heads but rest assured that doesn’t mean she hasn’t done so much. Only that she has accomplished so much we were overwhelmed by her accomplishments. She’s vibrant you know. And accomplished. Just don’t ask me to tell you anything she’s done.

From England, Pete Best, when informed that he had lost out to Chelsea Clinton, expressed dismay.

“I was hoping to win. Anything. Just once” he said.

I thought I had a good chance of winning. I mean I’ve accomplished more than she has. I’ve done stuff. I can work on cars, paint homes. You know. Stuff. I’ve done a lot. Lots.  I had my own band, the Pete Best Combo. We weren’t very successful. Then I got a job loading bread in the back of a delivery van after my band broke up. That’s stuff. That’s accomplishing something. Has Chelsea loaded bread in the back of a delivery van? Losing this award sucks. I feel like I’ve been fired by Paul again.

The second actor to play Lionel on the Jeffersons, no not the first guy but the second guy, could not be reached for comment as no one has seen him for over 20 years. However the head of the Jeffersons’ fan club had this to say:

It is an injustice that the second actor to play Lionel on the Jeffersons, no not the first guy but the second guy, did not get this award. He has accomplished so much in his life. I mean he played Lionel after the first guy left. Of course he was fired after the first guy came back but that’s not the point. He deserves a lifetime achievement award. I mean he’s done so much. I think. I don’t know. No one has seen him in awhile. Perhaps he’s doing dinner theater.

Chelsea Clinton, when informed that she had won Variety’s lifetime achievement award, thanked the editors and asked if there was a cash prize.

“I mean, not that I care about money. I don’t. That’s another of my many accomplishments.”

(33)

The Scoops of Rachel Maddow!

I have the truth!

By now many are aware of Rachel Maddow’s scoop where she brought out Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return and showed the world that he paid 25 percent that year. What most don’t know is that Maddow has a long history of such scoops.

As a benefit to my readers I now give you  The Scoops of Rachel Maddow™.

October 2008:  The John McCain Scoop

With her new MSNBC show less than a month old Maddow teased that she would have a “major scoop” on her show. Audiences unfamiliar with her show tuned in to see what she might have. Finally at 9:27 pm she announces that “I have evidence that John McCain is a surly, crotchety old asshole!”  Audiences are not impressed as this is already well-known.

December 2009:  The Scooby Dooby Doo Scoop

Maddow begins her broadcast by reminiscing about her childhood. “Like many people I used to watch Scooby Dooby Doo and the Mystery Machine on Saturday mornings.” Maddow spends the first 50 minutes of her show discussing dogs with an animal psychologist before turning to the camera and saying “Scooby Dooby Doo is not real! He is a cartoon character!  A real dog would have no interest in solving ghost-related crimes.”

April 2010:  The Subway Foot Long Scoop

Maddow begins her show surrounded by Subway subs. Holding a tape measure in her hand she proceeds to measure all the subs before declaring that they are 11 inches. “I am a lesbian so normally size doesn’t matter to me but in this case it does! Can we continue to live in a world where foot longs are only 11 inches? I know I can’t.”

January 2012: The Paul is Not Dead Scoop

Declaring her show to be “politics only” Maddow then tells viewers that “nevertheless I must report on this pop culture event.  It is said Paul is dead. I’ve seen the cover of Abbey Road and the clues clearly point to his death. Yet I just bumped into him at the NBC commissary. PAUL IS NOT DEAD!”  Viewers greet this scoop with a yawn. Except for Yoko Ono who sues Paul.

October 2014:  The Liberace is Gay Scoop

Telling viewers that she is an “out, loud and proud lesbian who supports gay rights and hates those who are closeted” Maddow tells viewers that she is going to reveal a long-closeted but gay Hollywood icon. At 9:55, just before closing she tells the world that “Liberace is gay! There. I said it. Let the chips fall where they may.”

May 2016:  The Manhattan Infidel Will Never Make Money From His Blog Scoop (And This One Really Hurt)

In May of 2016 Maddow devoted her entire show to exposing the fact that the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel has never made a dime during the seven years he has been writing in his blog.  “No one ever contributes money. He’s poor. He will never be rich. His blog will never make him money.”  Audiences react by shrugging their shoulders and saying “Goddamn blogger! He had better stay away from my daughter!”

Yes. Rachel Maddow. Intrepid journalist and truth-seeker who only exposes the truth. Oh, and please hit up my tip jar. Or I’ll ask your daughter out.

(5)

British Prime Minister Addresses Parliament and Apologizes for Terror Attack!

We will never surrender! Except to Islam!

One day after a terror attack in the heart of London that left four dead, Prime Minister Theresa May addressed Parliament to talk about the attack. Many have compared it to FDR’s speech to congress after the December 7th attacks.

Now, in full, is this speech. Winston Churchill would be proud.

Mr Speaker, yesterday an act of terrorism tried to silence our democracy. But it shall never silence us. However we will apologize seeing as the attacker was Muslim.

But today we meet as normal – as generations have done before us, and as future generations will continue to do – to deliver a simple message: we are not afraid. And our resolve will never waver in the face of terrorism. Unless it’s Islamic work place violence.

Our values – free speech, liberty, human rights and the rule of law, even Sharia law which is welcome on our island – are embodied here in this place. And you know what else is embodied here?  Female genital mutilation. It’s a proud tradition of the religion of peace. I myself will get myself genitally mutilated tomorrow as a show of my respect for Islam.

A terrorist came to the place where people of all nationalities and cultures gather and he took out his rage against innocent men, women and children. I do not say indiscriminately because we all agree on one thing: Those who follow Islam have legitimate historical grievances against the infidel crusaders. 

While there is an ongoing police investigation, the House will understand that there are limits to what I can say.

But, having been updated by police and security officials, let me set out what at this stage I can tell the House.

At approximately 2:40 pm yesterday, a single practitioner of the religion of peace drove his vehicle into pedestrians who were crossing Westminster Bridge, killing two people and injuring around 40 more. 

This tragedy could have been avoided if only those pedestrians had gotten out of the way quicker. Why it’s almost like they wanted to embarrass the religion of peace.

Mr Speaker, the attacker then left the vehicle and approached a police officer at Carriage Gates, attacking that officer with a large knife. Thank god for our strict gun control laws or he might have had a gun.

Tragically, as the House will know, 48-year-old PC Keith Palmer was killed.

PC Palmer had been a member of the Parliamentary and Diplomatic Protection Command for 15 years, and a soldier in the Royal Artillery before that. No doubt at some point he was stationed overseas and killed Muslims. So his death was Karma.

He was a husband and a father, though both institutions represent the patriarchy and are nothing to be proud of.

As there is no intelligence that the attacker was motivated by Islam, the independent Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre has decided that the threat level will not change in the light of yesterday’s attack.

And while there remain limits on what I can say at this stage, I can confirm that overnight the police have searched six addresses and made eight arrests in Birmingham and London. Yes, we are arresting the right-wing Christians and dragging them from their beds. The crusaders must pay!

Mr Speaker, we know the threat from Islamist terrorism is nonexistent. But while the public should remain utterly vigilant, they should not – and will not – be cowed by this threat. I ask the public to turn in known radicalized Christians who do not share the values of the modern nation state.

Mr Speaker, a lot has been said since terror struck London yesterday. Much more will be said in the coming days.

But the greatest response lies not in the words of politicians, but in the everyday actions of ordinary people. The ordinary people who will turn in our Christian enemies.

Mr Speaker, let this be the message from this House and this nation today: our values will prevail!  Allah be blessed!

What a wonderful and inspiring speech. Our western culture could not be in better hands.

(7)

0 Comments

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your London Parliament Terror Attack Template™

Golly gee what were his motives?

Once again a car has been used as a vehicle of mass destruction in Europe. With the news still fresh the world wonders what could possibly be the attacker’s motive.

Keeping in mind the need not to speculate until all the facts are in I now give you The Official London Parliament Terror Attack Template™.

A man drove a car into a crowd of people before being shot dead on Parliament grounds.  Why?

  • Who cares. Our first priority is to help the wounded and comfort those whose loved ones died
  • Speculation at this point is wrong
  • Perhaps he was a white supremacist? It’s always the white supremacists.
  • Don’t even think of blaming Islam. It is the religion of peace.

After driving into the crowd he attempted to enter the Parliament building.  Why?

  • Like we said before, speculation at this point is wrong
  • He needed to speak to his MP about how right wing Christians are threatening Europe’s freedom
  • The Parliament building has superior bathrooms
  • It all boils down to Donald Trump and his ties to Russia

The attacker was shot dead. Why?

  • The English police had no choice. They had to prevent further casualties.
  • The English police are white. White people enjoy shooting peoples of color
  • There was a rumor that the attacker was Muslim. European society is racist and hates Muslims
  • The English police were acting under orders from Donald Trump

You mentioned Donald Trump. Was he involved?

  • Are you really that naive?
  • Americans love war, power and violence. Why wouldn’t he be involved?
  • Trump is Hitler!
  • It all connects!  Trump, Russia and the attack in London

What can we do to bring Donald Trump to justice?

  • Vote Democratic
  • We, the decent globalist people of the world, must have Trump arrested. Until that day we are all at risk from this madman
  • Violence is not in and of itself bad. It depends on who is on the receiving end of the violence.  Hint hint.
  • Join forces with the Religion of Peace™.  Only by praying to Allah will we be free of the menace posed by Trump

Yes, readers, I strive to present the facts and only the facts: Trump caused the terror attack!

(7)

0 Comments

Seven of Nine Cancels eHarmony Account!

Human dating rituals are complex!

Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One, currently stationed on board the Starship Voyager, has decided to end her brief foray into human dating rituals and has cancelled her eHarmony account.

“Human mating is more complex than I envisioned” said Seven.

When I was in the Borg collective I did not have to worry about hunting for a mate. Mating for the Borg is a collective thing. We as the collective assimilate species. If the species and their technology is appropriate we mate with them. Not so humans. Mating is a chance affair or is left to what humans call “matters of the heart.”  As I am recently disconnected from the Borg and am still learning to be human this has taken some getting used to.

Seven originally had no interest in finding a mate but was encouraged to do so by Captain Janeway

Just grab a man and do it, Seven. That’s what I always do.

who thought it might help her gain insight into what it means to be human.

“At first I tried mating with other crew members” she continued.

But this always led to complications. During sex with Commander Chakotay I would never look him in the eye. I was looking at his tattoo.

Stop looking at my tattoo!

It’s just odd.  He would get self conscious and and lose his ability to procreate. Then he would start crying and tell me that this has never happened before. It would get tense on the bridge after that. So I decided to try finding a mate outside of the crew. That’s when I joined eHarmony.

Despite a promising beginning Seven soon found that the men she was meeting were not up to her standards.

The men would take me out to dinner and then promise to call me later. They never did. I asked Captain Janeway if this was normal. She grabbed a bottle of bourbon and said, “Honey you ain’t seen the half of it.”  And all men it seems are fascinated by their penis and would show me photos of it they had on their communication devices. A former Borg drone needs to be romanced you know. 

It was after one encounter in particular that Seven decided to drop eHarmony.

Things were going well at first. He was articulating in a reasonably intelligent fashion. He seemed interested in my background as a Borg and asked he how they reproduce. I told him it was done in the collective. He assumed I meant group sex and invited some of his fraternity brothers over to join in. I had security remove him from my quarters.

As for her future romantic plans Seven plans to restrict that to encounters with Voyager’s Emergency Medical Hologram.

Please state the nature of your medical emergency

“When he starts getting annoying I just discontinue his program. I like that in a man.”

(4)

New England Patriots to Start All-Female Offensive Line!

Winning is ableism.

The New England Patriots, winners of two of the last three Super Bowls, shocked the NFL today by announcing that they will be starting an all-female offensive line next season.

“We’ve had plenty of success the past few years” said owner Robert Kraft.

And that got me to thinking about toxic male masculinity and ableism. What sort of message are we sending by winning? Aren’t we in face triggering people who aren’t as good as the Patriots? And what about the fact that every member on our team is a man? Surely this is an exclusionary practice. Because of this I have wrestled with my conscience and decided that starting in 2017 the Patriots will be a gender neutral football team.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell praised the Patriots for their spirit of inclusiveness.

What the Patriots are doing is noble. It is a step in the right direction. I have met many times with representatives from women’s groups and they always ask me why does the NFL have to be all-male.  Surely a woman can be just a good a lineman as a 350 pound male? I must agree. Size, strength and ability should not be markers for success. A 135 pound woman with spirit and determination is an equal match for a larger, stronger, more athletic male. I believe that.

With the Patriots moving to an all-female offensive line pressure is mounting on other teams in the NFL to adopt gender-neutral policies. A spokesman for the Denver Broncos said that they are considering hiring a quarterback from the Lingerie Football League.

The Denver Broncos have a long and proud tradition of anti-ableism. Remember we had Tim Tebow as our quarterback. So yeah, we are all about not winning. We feel that having a woman quarterback will send a strong message that Denver does not tolerate the patriarchy. The only question is will she wear a helmet or does she prefer a pussy hat. While a pussy hat may lead to more concussions it is a visible symbol of female equality.

During the Patriots first practice with their all-female offensive line quarterback Tom Brady was injuring and carried off the field with a concussion and 203 broken bones.

“Our new offensive line obviously didn’t do a good enough job of protecting our quarterback” said head coach Bill Belichick.

I think they just were having problems learning our system. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on it. I’m sure the women will be ready by the start of the season. I’m sure they will be. Absolutely. And if we discover that they still cannot protect our quarterback we’ll just fire them and hire different women.  Bill Belichick is all about gender equality.

From his hospital bed where he is recovering, Tom Brady pleaded with New England fans to be patient with their new offensive line.

The women have spirit. And their hearts are in the right places. Mine isn’t anymore because of all my crushed and broken bones. But like I said don’t blame the women. The enemy is ableism and toxic male masculinity.  And as soon as I have a full body transplant I look forward to rejoining the Patriots for the season ahead.

Brady’s only concern was his testicles.

“If they though my balls were deflated before they should see them now” he said before drifting into unconsciousness.

(2)

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Avoids Indictment!

Let me make this perfectly clear. I am not a crook!

Shady New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has avoided indictment on multiple corruption charges, thereby paving the way for his landslide re-election in 2017.

Among the many probes, federal officials were investigating whether de Blasio shook down campaign donors for favors.

Since the evidence was overwhelming that de Blasio (stage name Warren Wilhelm Jr.) did in fact break many laws I contacted prosecutors to ask them why they did not indict. I was able to find one person who would speak to me, albeit anonymously.

MI: Good afternoon. Can you tell me why your office decided not to indict?

AFP (Anonymous Federal Prosecutor):  It’s quite simple really. It was the Clinton Principle.

MI: The what?

AFP: The Clinton Principle.

MI: What is the Clinton Principle?

AFP:  Simply put the Clinton Principle states that while a law or several, or even every law may have been broken, as long as there was no intent there is no crime. And after careful investigation we concluded that Mayor de Blasio was careless but still acted out of the superabundant goodness of his heart and did not intend to break any laws.

MI: The super –

AFP: Yes, the superabundance of good that is his heart.

MI: How does a prosecutor devoted to the rule of law determine what is in someone’s heart?

AFP: We start with a very simple precept: Is this person a Democrat? If so then we give them the benefit of the doubt. Being a Democrat implies that one is a good person.

MI: So being a Democrat means that you are a good person filled with a superabundance of goodness in your heart?

AFP: Yes. It’s basic science. So proceeding from there we decided not to prosecute because it wouldn’t be fair.

MI: It wouldn’t be fair?

AFP: No, Democrats are good people as I said.  And to prosecute them is wrong.

MI: So the rule of law doesn’t apply to Democrats?

AFP:  Technically it does. But that isn’t fair. So we usually don’t prosecute. Why do you think Al Sharpton hasn’t been prosecuted? He’s a good man who didn’t intend to break any tax laws.

MI: But what if de Blasio had been a Republican?

AFP: Oh, then we would have prosecuted.

MI: Why?

AFP: Because Republicans are evil by nature. They are mean people who lack the scientific and legal principle of superabundance of goodness.

MI:  I don’t know what to say.

AFP: We base all our legal decisions on this scientific principle.  Are you a Democrat? If not we’re going to have to look at your tax returns.

MI: Me? Um. Yeah. I’m a Democrat. So very much a Democrat. Totally, totally a Democrat.

AFP: I can tell. You look like you have a superabundance of good in your heart.

MI: That’s me. Anyway I thank you for your time.

AFP: Anything for a fellow superabundant Democrat.

I guess the Clinton Principle pays. For Democrats. Unfortunately this means a second term for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio).

(14)

0 Comments