Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Tragic Florida School Shooting

This is all Donald Trump’s fault







When the news of the school shooting in Florida broke we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action.

Okay, we put our pants on. Okay, we put our underwear on.  Okay we remained naked.

But eventually we traveled down to Florida to help with the narrative:  It is important that this shooting be used as an excuse to embarrass Republicans and Donald Trump.

When I arrived at the scene I saw many injured, bleeding students.

I approached one such active bleeder and asked him what happened.

MI:  What happened?

AB:  I’ve been shot.

MI: Are you a registered Republican?

AB: What has that got to do with it?

MI: Because if you are I can lecture you now about the dangerous Second Amendment.

AB: Please I’m bleeding rather heavily.  Can you apply a tourniquet?

MI: I’m sorry. I’m just a reporter. It’s not my job to get actively involved in the narratives I cover. 

AB: I’m losing consciousness.

MI: You Republicans deserve to be shot.

With active bleeder no. 1 unconscious I moved on to active bleeder no. 2.

MI: Are you conscious?

AB #2: Yes but not for long.

MI: Has this changed your mind on gun control? 

AB #2:Please sir get an ambulance.

MI: Are you an alt-right white nationalist?

AB #2: What? Please help me!

MI: If only you Republicans would admit the error of supporting gun rights I might help you but this is karmic justice. Before you lose consciousness I have one final question: Did you see the shooter? Was it Donald Trump? Technically that’s two questions. But since you’re a Floridian you probably don’t understand math.

AB #2: What?

MI: You are bleeding out right now because Donald Trump is literally Hitler!

AB #2: Tell my mother I love her!

MI: You’ll tell her yourself son.  In hell!

Active bleeder no. 2 then lost consciousness. The nerve of these hicks. Don’t they realize I’m a member of the MSM from New York?

Since all the active bleeders were unconscious I knew no further narrative could be accomplished and left hick Florida to return to sophisticated New York.

What have we learned from this shooting?  A few things:

  1. Republicans deserve to be shot. 
  2. Our founding fathers were alt-right white nationalists who wanted guns to shoot brown people.
  3. Donald Trump is literally Hitler.

Hopefully we can use this shooting to abolish the Constitution and appoint a strong leader to rule America. A charismatic leader who will take away all privately held guns and use his power of Divine Right to bring about a socialist workers paradise.

And that man is, I believe, Michelle Obama.



Manhattan Infidel Presents the Missing Peter Strzok – Lisa Page Text Messages!

The FBI. Protecting America. I think.










As many people by now know FBI agent and his lover Lisa Page carried on an illicit affair while investigating so-called Russian collusion. When this came to light the FBI conveniently lost six months of messages.

Fortunately for my readers reader mother meth dealer prostitute stranger I pay to read my blog I leave no stone unturned in my desire to get the facts. So now dear readers here are some of their relevant texts. It may take me months to go through all their texts. Who knows what else I’ll discover.

Strzok:  Trump cannot win. How can Americans be so stupid?  We must come up with an insurance policy should he win.

Page:  I agree totally.  Hillary must win. Our career advancement depends on it!


The two continued to text about the election:

Strzok:  OMG!  Trump won Pennsylvania. It’s all over. He’s now the president!

Page: OMG OMG OMG!  A mouse.  I mean, yeah, f*ck Trump!


Later on election night when Trump had been officially announced the winner:

Strzok: This can’t be happening!

Page: I’m so depressed. I haven’t been so depressed since George Clooney left ER!

Strzok:  We need to talk about our insurance policy!

Page:  You mean blaming Trump’s victory on Russian collusion?

Strzok: Yes. Oh, BTW, thank you for wearing that French Maid outfit last night. It brought out the beast in me!

Page:  Just like Trump brings out the beasts and deplorables! I felt filthy and degraded. Yet so alive!


A week after the election the insurance policy was in full swing:

Strzok:  I spoke to my contacts in the media and told them about our FISA warrants and how we suspect Trump is getting Russian assistance.  No evidence of course. It’s a fairy tale. But the media is more than happy to report it. They are our friends.

Page:  Good.  Excellent in fact. You can always trust the media to do what’s best for the deep state.

Strzok:  Sorry about last night. Usually I think about baseball but sometimes I just finish a little early, you know.

Page:  Maybe my Catholic school girl outfit got you too excited?

Strzok: No. it’s my prostate. Doc says it’s the size of Texas.

Page: Oh dear. That’s distressing. Almost as distressing as President Trump!


A few months later as Mueller was appointed Special Prosecutor the two revel in their victory:

Strzok:  Now we got Trump. He took on the deep state. The deep state shall finish him!

Page: I’m so excited. He will be impeached and Hillary will be president!

Strzok:  Yeah. Can we talk about my suggestion from last night?

Page: I am not having a threesome with you and your wife.

Strzok: It doesn’t have to be with my wife. Or a woman. Or even a human. Have you ever looked at sheep and wanted to rub up against them?

Page:  ……………………….

Strzok:  Hello? Honey?

Page: Don’t ever text me again.

Strzok:  Baby I’m sorry. I won’t ask again. It’s just this Trump presidency. It has me so upset.  Please baby.  Come over and wear your French Maid outfit again!

Page: Well, I shouldn’t but I forgive you. I know that bastard Trump has us all upset.

Strzok: I love you baby.  BTW, are you curious about furry sex?

Page:  Goodbye.

Strzok:  It’s Trump baby. It’s all his fault! Hello? Talk to me! I’m taking prostate medicine.


Who knows what else I’ll discover as I read the rest of the texts. Because uncovering the truth is what I do best. That and sending pictures of my penis to coeds.  What?  I mean Trump has me so upset!



Liberal Says Stupid Shit!










Former President and liberal George Bush has weighed in on the alleged Russian interference in the 2016 campaign. The famous globalist liberal seemed to take a swipe at President Trump’s denials of collusion when he said there is “pretty clear evidence that the Russians meddled.”

As a Republican I have lived my entire life by one principal: What can I do to help the Democratic Party? And the Democratic Party lost the election to a commoner because Russia interfered in our electoral process. Our Democracy is only as good as the people voting for the pre-approved dynastic candidate. This year that candidate was Hillary Clinton. She did not win despite the best efforts of the globalist world order. I took her defeat personally. The Clinton Dynasty and the Bush Dynasty have known each other for  years. We both come fine fine stock. Stock fit to rule the United States. Instead Trump is President. He is a nationalist. And nationalism is racism. I am not a nationalist. When I was President I tried to do what was best for George Soros, not what was best for the United States. That is why the Trump Presidency is so dangerous. He and Putin are nationalists working together. Was George Washington a nationalist? Was Thomas Jefferson a nationalist?  What about Lincoln? Woodrow Wilson, the two Roosevelts, the gay one with the mustache and the one in the wheelchair? No. They all believed in the global order and feared Russian interference in the elections. I, George Bush, liberal doing what’s best for the Democratic Party, believe this.

The former President then asked the audience  to kneel before him as he blessed those assembled.

Remember, being blessed by Clan Bush is what makes our Democracy strong. So I want everyone to go out there and fight for the core principles of the Republican party: Open borders, globalism, DREAMERS, socialism and everything else the Democratic party believes in. Do it for me. Do it for the Bush dynasty. Do it for the Clinton dynasty. Do it for our Democracy, which is only as good as the dynastic clans ruling it.  Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin believe in none of these things, which is why they colluded to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful throne. Thank you.

When Bush ended his speech the crowd at the United Arab Emirates where the speech was given gave him a rousing ovation. Many were in tears and began shouting “Long live the Bush Clan” and “Death to Jews.”

The once and future head of America then left by private helicopter. As he flew over the UAE Bush sighed. It was the sigh of compassionate conservative globalism.

“If there are open borders than me and the Clintons will make more money. Why  do commoners oppose us so? Damn that Putin! Is there no end to his diabolical plans?”



Porky Pig’s Career in Tatters; Latest Victim of #Metoo Movement!

Would you like to see my genitalia?











Porky Pig has been dropped by the Creative Artists Agency (CAA) after allegations of serial sexual harassment and outright assault against the venerable pig.

“He assaulted me. He sexualized me. He raped me!” claims one actress.

I was new in Hollywood and looking for work. Someone suggested I look up Porky Pig.  “Just go to his hotel room and talk to him” they said. So I made an arrangement for a meeting and went to his hotel. When he opened the door to his room he was wearing a blue jacket and a red bow tie.  AND NOTHING ELSE! I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. He invited me in and said “Why d-d-d-d-on’t you p–p-p-p-pour yourself a d-d-d-d-rink?” He then put his leg up on an ottoman so I had a clear view of his penis. “We’re g-g-g-g-g-gonna have f-f-f-fun” he said. I wanted nothing to do with him. I trusted him and here he is propositioning me for sex. I ran out of his room crying and got out of there as fast as possible.

Another actress claims Porky pulled her into his hotel room, pressed himself up against her and forced her to do “Kinky shit I haven’t even seen on Cinemax.”

We had dinner. Then he insisted I go back to his hotel room to talk about a movie he thought I’d be good for. We go there and the next thing I know his tongue was down my throat. That was bad enough but then he said “You and m-m-m-m-me are g-g-g-g-g-going to d-d-d-d-do some freaky s-s-s-s-s-s-shit together. Make me s-s-s-s-s-s-squeal like a p-p-p-p-p-p-pig.” What a pig! Is this how all men act in Hollywood? If so then I’m going back to pole dancing at clubs in Pennsylvania. At least there the men are honorable and won’t touch my vagina unless they tip me first.

Indeed many are now saying that Porky’s behavior was an open secret in Hollywood.

“Everybody knew” said one person.

Everybody had heard the rumors. “Don’t be alone with Porky. He’s a pig!” “Don’t go to his hotel room alone.” Stuff like that. The smart actresses knew to avoid him. But this business is so cutthroat and competitive many will ignore the warnings if they think it will land them a movie role. I feel sorry for girls like that.

Many blame Porky’s behavior on his deep-seated self-loathing.

“I mean the guy was Jewish” said a friend.

His real name is Porkel Pigenstein. Yet he’s also a pig. I mean literally a pig. That’s quite the contradiction. He must have to live with a lot of cognitive dissonance to survive. How he must hate himself. I know he wasn’t popular in the Jewish community. They though he was unclean. His own family wouldn’t talk to him. No matter how successful he was this must have hurt. 

As for Porky he remains defiant and insists he has done nothing wrong.

“Why don’t you all j-j-j-j-j-j-just s-s-s-s-s-s-suck my d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dick” said the disgraced Pig.


Manhattan Infidel Presents the Full, Unredacted Democratic House Intel Memo!

Whatever you do, don’t blink







It’s been memogate, memogate, memogate the past week in America.

First was the release of the Republican memo which exposed how Obama used the FBI to spy on Trump.  The Democrats naturally wanted to release their own memo.  It was blocked by Trump because it contained sensitive data.

However using my sources on Capitol Hill (hookers, meth dealers, legendary game show host Wink Martindale) I have been able to obtain the full unredacted Democratic House Intel memo, which I will now share with my readers reader no one apparently.


Declassified by order of the President — February 12, 2018

January 31, 2018

To: HPSCI Majority Members

From: HPSCI Majority Staff

Subject: Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act Abuses at the Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation

On February 2nd the Republicans released a memo purporting to show that The DOJ and FBI were hopelessly politicized and used information they knew was fake to obtain FISA warrants against members of the Trump campaign.

We in the Democratic Party (“The Party”) categorically deny these allegations. And we will now totally not stack our response memo with sensitive classified intel that will force President Trump to veto its publication. We will totally not do that. Not. Do. That.

The FBI is not politicized and frankly we are shocked that the Republicans would risk disclosing sensitive FBI sources.

We in The Party have worked closely with the FBI for many years, going back to the 1960s when we had the FBI beat up and kill Freedom Riders in Mississippi.  Not once did we disclose this sensitive data.

We ordered the FBI to use their agent James Earl Ray to assassinate Martin Luther King. Again, we did not disclose this information to the public.

We had nothing to do with Chappaquiddick however, as much as we would like to take the credit. That was all on Teddy and his insatiable sexual and alcohol appetite.

Do you see how we are totally NOT putting sensitive, classified in this memo?

The following people are CIA agents (if knowledge of this got out their lives would be in danger).

  • Adam Sandler
  • Brad Pitt
  • George Clooney
  • Legendary game show host Wink Martindale
  • Prince Harry
  • Vladimir Putin
  • Those three actresses from Charmed. You know, the show about female empowerment. Yes we realize four actresses starred on Charmed but we don’t count the one who replaced Shannen Doherty.
  • The entire roster of the New York Rangers
  • Gary Coleman (who isn’t dead just deep undercover)
  • Queen Elizabeth
  • Mike Evans (the first actor to play Lionel Jefferson. No not the second actor even though his name was also Evans and no they were not related)
  • Bill Maher

Again, you see how we are not stacking this memo with classified intelligence?

Adam Schiff hasn’t blinked in five years. He’s a big Doctor Who fan you see and he’s worried about Weeping Angels.

Miley Cyrus is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. There are many aliens from that galaxy on Earth. But we will never disclose their names.

Hillary Clinton is an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy.

Okay, so we lied.

Now that we have compiled this memo and totally not stacked it with classified information we urge President Trump to stop playing politics and allow its release.

Signed, The members of the House Intelligence Committee from The Party

Thank you.

Oh, and Whoopie Goldberg is not an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy. We checked.

I don’t know why President Trump blocked the release of this memo. It seems pretty straight forward and innocent to me.


1 Comment

Ricochet Rabbit Accused of Bias Against Minorities!

Ping, ping ping!








Controversial law and order sheriff Ricochet Rabbit of the town of Hoop ‘n’ Holler has been accused of using his office improperly and showing a clear pattern of bias against peoples of color.

“The other day I was leaving my office and Ricochet approached me” said the head of the town’s chapter of the NAACP.

He asked me where I was going. I said I was going to find a white woman to make love to. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. Ricochet is trouble and I’m something of a wise ass. Anyway he looked at me and said “Boy, we don’t want no trouble now do we?” That’s when I told him to stop disrespecting my kind. You know what he did? He used his gun with one of his trick bullets. I thought I was going to be shot instead the bullet turned into a large mallet and hit me over the head. Part of me would  have preferred to be shot. The mallet thing just shows a complete lack of respect.

On another occasion Ricochet interrupted a fight between two men in the Dominican part of town and used his special gun to draw targets on both their noses and punch them.

“This white rabbit don’t respect us at all” said one of the men.

And with all the money I’m making selling drugs in this town he had better respect me. No one draws a target on my nose unless it’s my plastic surgeon. Or one of my gang members for some sort of initiation. But no white rabbit. I’m tired of the white rabbits always keeping me down. Just the other day I went chasing a white rabbit and I knew I was going to fall. So I told everybody a hookah smoking caterpillar had given me the call. But I digress.

Elected on a law and order platform and promising to make Hoop ‘n’ Holler “Safer than Oswego, New York on a Monday night” Ricochet initially proved popular with residents as violent crime dropped.

Employing the “broken window” philosophy of policing popularized by Rudy Giuliani  Ricochet would target citizens for minor offenses.

“Our homeowners association has strict rules about mailboxes” said one homeowner.

My mailbox was not regulation height. It was five inches too high. Ricochet shot me 57 times with his mallet pistol thing. I bought a regulation height mailbox the next day. Fear is a very powerful motivator. Still, I bet the homes owned by white people would not have been targeted like this.

Ricochet denies any bias against minorities and says he is not targeting them because of their color.

“I’m a sheriff. I uphold the law” said Rabbit.

Sure I profile minorities but you know what? It works. They are more likely to committing a crime than white people. I’m not going to apologize for that. I’ve made this town safer. Safer than Fulton, New York on a Tuesday night.

Despite Ricochet’s denials the State is looking into having him removed. Rabbit has said that if removed he’ll run higher office.

“They think they have it bad now just wait until I become Governor Rabbit.”


Foghorn Leghorn Cooked to Perfection!

I say, I say is it me or is it getting warm in here?











Foghorn Leghorn, a large white adult leghorn rooster, has finally met his fate after years of strutting his stuff like he owned the world.

“Let’s just say Foghorn got what he deserved” said George P. Dog.

He was always riding me about something. Foghorn Leghorn always hated me. For what? I don’t know. Every time that I plant a seed he’d say “Kill it before it grows.” Freedom came my way one day and I started out of town. All of a sudden I saw Foghorn Leghorn aiming to shoot me down! Every day the bucket goes to the well. But one day the bottom will drop out! Yeah, that’s right. I just got sick of his white privilege so me and some of the other barnyard animals decided to do something about it.

That “something” being luring Foghorn into a trap where he was captured.

Foghorn was always bragging about his sexual abilities so we paid a hen to pretend she wanted to mate with him. She lured him into a barn. Foghorn gladly followed her since he thought he was going to get some. Instead we surrounded him and tied him down. He was surprised and said “I say, I say can’t a rooster get him some action anymore?” That’s when we started cutting off his body parts.

The first part cut off was, naturally, his penis.

Foghorn started to cry “No!  I say no! Not my penis!  Foghorn needs it to be a man!” We let the hen peck it off. Then she spit it out and said “That’s one less man thing! You’ll never sexually assault another hen again!” Granted we all hated him and wanted him dead but even we had a little sympathy for him. Poor bastard. But, a job’s a job so right back at it.

Foghorn’s legs and wings were cut off and grilled separately.

We did this on purpose. We grilled them right in front of him. We wanted him conscious so he could see it. I think he was resigned to his fate though he did keep saying “I say, I say I do smell delicious.”  He did smell delicious. It’s all about the glaze, you see.

Finally it was time to end Foghorn’s misery.

I looked right down at him and I said “Foghorn, you’ve oppressed this barnyard dog for far too long. You have been sentenced to death by the barnyard revolutionary committee for social justice. Do you have any last words?”  He just looked at me and said “Eat me!” I think he meant it as a curse and not a command. Whatever. I stabbed him in the breast and let the blood flow out. Then he was just right to cook. We glazed the breast as well. Glazed everything and then we all ate him. We ate him because we wanted to. We ate him for our brothers and sisters who could not eat him. We ate him for social justice. We ate him to end oppression.

Word of Foghorn’s brutal death traveled quickly throughout the barn community and many who were sitting on the fence joined the new revolutionary movement.

“The human is next. He will pay” vowed George P. Dog.


My Exclusive Interview With God

Russia Russia Russia!









The past couple days have left me traumatized and frightened for the future of America. How deep does the Russian conspiracy go? How many Russian Bots are out there? To answer these questions I decided to go straight to the top, to the most powerful and knowledgeable person in the universe. However Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson were not available. So I went to God who, while not as knowledgeable as Nye or Tyson, is almost as powerful.

MI: Good afternoon God.

G: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. You know I have watched you and followed you closely from the moment of your birth.

MI: I see. Because you are all knowing and all seeing obviously.

G: Well no. I get email updates on every person on Earth. Lots of email to sort through. I’ll have to get my I.T. department to increase the size of my mailbox. I’m starting to fall behind. Speaking of falling behind are The Beatles still together? God how I love them.

MI:  They broke up.

G: No! What happened?

MI: John married Yoko.

G: Say no more. It’s always women causing problems. What about The Who?

MI: Moon and Entwistle died.

G: Holy crap. Captain and Tennille?

MI: Divorced.

G: Me dammit!  Journey?

MI: Still together.

G: Oh that’s good.

MI: But they have a new lead singer who isn’t Steve Perry.

G: What the hell is going on down there? It’s absolute chaos!

MI: Speaking of chaos you might have heard that the United States is currently embroiled in a controversy over whether Russia colluded with President Donald Trump to interfere in the 2016 election.

G: Wait. Donald Trump is President?

MI: Yes.

G: Don’t know about him. I always liked his wife Ivana, however.

MI: They divorced.

GMe dammit! No one tells me anything.

MI: Back to the issue of Russian collusion. It’s causing lots of anger in America. People say we may be headed towards another civil war.

G: Yes. Dissension. Strife. Mankind is prone to these. It’s all the result of that mysterious original sin.

MI: Is there anything we can do?

G: Believe in me. Stay close to the sacraments. Pray and attend mass.

MI: This is good to know. Anything else?

G: Vote Democrat.

MI: Um. What?

G: Voting Democrat is the only way to avoid strife. Always vote Democrat. It’s what God wants. To vote Republican is to do Putin’s job for him.

MI:What are you saying?

G:Voting Republican is doing the will of Russia. Vote Democrat always and impeach Donald Trump.

MI: Wait a minute!

[Manhattan Infidel rips God’s mask off to reveal his metallic skeleton.]  

Russia Russia Russia!












MI: You’re a bot!  You’re a goddamn Russian Bot!

G: You have nothing to fear from Vladimir Putin. He is wise and compassionate and brave.

MI: I’m getting the hell out of here.

G:Wait. Before you go can you tell me if Benny Goodman is still touring with his quartet?

MI: All dead.

G:  It’s like I’m blind up here. My I.T. people have to get off their asses and work with me.

And so ended my interview with God. Who, as it turns out, is just another Russian Bot. If nothing else that explains all the damn liturgical dance.



My Exclusive Interview with John McCain

Russia Russia Russia!











It’s been a very busy week here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™.  Memogate continues to reverberate. In the interests of fair play I have asked John McCain, who opposed releasing the memo, to sit down for an interview.

MI: Good afternoon Senator. Let’s get down to the memo.

JM: I can’t believe my Republican so-called colleagues released this unsubstantiated memo. Dammit by releasing this memo we are doing Putin’s job for him!

MI: Interesting that you should call the memo unsubstantiated since many believe you were the one who gave the Steele Dossier to the FBI in the first place. Why would you give the Dossier to the FBI if you believed it wasn’t true?


MI: Senator McCain? 

Russia Russia Russia!










JM: This partisanship is costing America. We are all doing Russia’s bidding. Putin is trying to overthrow our Democracy!  And Trump is helping him!  He was elected with Russian help and he’s a Russian tool!

MI: But why are you opposed to the release of the memo?

JM: A couple of reasons. 1. It is partisanship. The Republicans are trying to damage my Democratic colleagues.

MI: But you’re a Republican.

JM: Have you ever seen my voting record?


MI: My bad. You are a Democratic.

JM:  Two. The memo damages our secret organizations such as the CIA, DOJ and FBI.  These groups must be allowed to operate in complete secrecy, unaccountable to the people. If they are held accountable we will be doing Putin’s job for him.

MI: You keep saying that.

JM: And three the memo might garner sympathy for Trump, who is literally Hitler and Putin’s pawn. 

Russia Russia Russia!













MI: I’m sorry but is that hydraulic fluid leaking from your forehead?

JM: Stop trying to divert attention to Russian interference in our election. They interfered. They paid their man Trump and now he is President and doing Putin’s job for him. Russia Russia Russia!

MI: That IS hydraulic fluid! What’s happening? Are you okay?

JM: No. My systems have been damaged.

MI: Systems?

[McCain’s skin slides off, revealing his skeletal frame] 

I am your friend. Putin is your friend










MI: Oh my god!  You’re a bot!

JM: You have nothing to fear. We are your friend. Putin is your friend. We only seek to subvert America and turn it into our client state.

MI: Is everybody a Russian bot? You are colluding with Russia!

JM: No. Only Donald Trump is colluding with Russia. He must be taken out.  It is the will of Putin.

MI: Hmm. But if Trump is colluding with Russia why would Putin want him out?  It seems he’d want him to stay in power.

JM: This does not compute. Error. Error. Error.

[McCain Bot explodes, covering Manhattan Infidel completely in Hydraulic fluid]

Oh great. I just washed this sweater. My cat peed all over it. That was bad enough but I’m never going to get these hydraulic fluid stains out.



My Exclusive Interview with Adam Schiff

I am programmed to mimic human behavior








It has been a very busy weekend with the release of the memo showing that the FBI and DOJ used sources they knew were false to obtain FISA warrants. Here to help me make sense of it all is the ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, the honorable Adam Schiff (D-CA).

MI: Good afternoon congressman.

AS:Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It is a pleasure to be here to answer your questions.

MI: A lot of people are confused as to the significance of the memo, which states that the Department of Justice and the FBI sought and were successful in obtaining a FISA warrant against Carter Page, who was working on the Trump campaign. They used as corroborating evidence the Steele Dossier, the pee pee dossier as it’s known. Steele was paid $160,000 by the DNC and the Clinton campaign, which if nothing else makes one question his motives and truthfulness. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions a Yahoo news article by Michael Isikoff as further corroborating evidence of the dossier’s truthfulness whereas in fact this does no such thing since the article is derived from information leaked by GPS co-founder Christopher Steele to Yahoo news. The FISA application states that Steele did not give this information. Steele has admitted to then-Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr that, and I am quoting, he “was desperate that Donald Trump not get elected and was passionate about him not being President.” This bias was recorded by Ohr and in official FBI files but not mentioned in the FISA warrant.

AS: [Impatiently] What is your point? This is all Republican trickery designed to expose classified information for their benefit.

MI: May I continue?

AS: If you must.

MI: Former Deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe has stated that no FISA warrant would have been issued without the Steele Dossier even though the Dossier at this point had been proven false and those responsible for the memo had financial and ideological motivations for preventing Trump from becoming President. The Carter Page FISA warrant also mentions Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos which triggered a separate investigation by FBI agent Peter Strzok, the same Peter Strzok who was reassigned after improper text messages with his mistress where they show a bias against Trump. He even met with Deputy Director McCabe to discuss an “insurance policy” against Trump’s election.

AS: [More impatiently] What are you trying to say?

MI: Surely all this points to bias and conspiracy at the top levels of our government. 

AS: Lies! All lies by Donald Trump and Republicans to hide their collusion with Russia!

MI: I’m sorry I have to say this. Since I’ve been talking to you I haven’t seen you blink once. 

AS: That’s not possible. I am programmed to mimic all human behavior.

MI: Um, what?

AS:  Russia!  Trump colluded with Russia!

MI: What did you say about mimicking all human behavior?

AS: Curses human. You have found me out!  [Schiff stands up and removes his skin, revealing the robot underneath.]  

This is what a Russian Bot looks like








MI: Oh my god!  You’re a bot!  You’re a – 

AS: Russian Bot. Yes. I was built by my masters in Moscow and designed to infiltrate your weak Republic. All hail the motherland! Rossia – sviashennaia nasha derzhava, Rossia – lubimaia nasha strana! Moguchaia volia, velikaia slava – Tvoio dostoianie na vse vremena! Slavsia, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoe, Bratskikh narodov soiuz vekovoi, Predkami dannaia mudrost’ narodnaia! Slavsia, strana! My gordimsia toboi! 

MI: I have to warn my fellow Americans.

AS: Too late. We are everywhere. Your country is doomed!

If anyone is reading this please help me. I have been taken prisoner by a Russian Bot!