From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, September 2019: Broward County Absentee Ballots Still Being Counted

We are almost done counting absentee ballots.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten months after the hotly contested senatorial election between former governor Rick Scott and Senator Bill Nelson the Broward County Board of Elections has promised that its counting of absentee ballots is “Almost finished. No Really. Just back off white boy. Don’t rush us.”

“I know you white boys want us to finish this. But unlike you we care about our Democracy” said the County Supervisor for Elections, Dr. Brenda Snipes.

Things like this take time. And if we are going to make sure a Democrat gets elected despite having less votes we have to make sure everything looks okay. It’s a complicated process. It takes time to destroy thousands of ballots and create new ones for the Democratic candidate. We can’t rush this. We tried rushing it before and you know what happened then.

Snipes is referring to the 2012 Senate race when, after four weeks of counting absentee ballots, Flipper

The fish that would be senator

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

was declared the winner.

Personally I thought Flipper would have made a great senator. He’s a fish of color, which would make him sympathetic to the Democratic socialist platform. He’s good on camera. And he rarely humps women when they get into the water with him. And that couldn’t be said about Rick Nelson or his opponent in 2012. But the Feds said something fishy, no pun intended, was going on. Flipper wasn’t even on the ballot. What can I say? Sometimes when you’re destroying ballots and transferring them by rental truck things happen. I mean Broward County cares about fish representation in congress.

Despite Snipes protestations that all is going according to law and procedure many in Broward County have their doubts about the process.

“I sent in an absentee ballot and voted for the Republican candidate” said one County resident.

I didn’t think anything about it. It’s how our democracy works. But a few days later the Creature from the Black Lagoon 

Just another Broward County enforcer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

shows up at my door and starts slapping me across the face.  “Voting Republican eh?  Nice house you got here. Shame if something were to  happen to it.” Then he kidnapped my wife 

This is what happens to the wives of those who dissent

 

 

 

 

 

and took her to his underwater cave where he had his way with her. I mean it’s almost like they are trying to silence dissent. I miss my wife. I mean she came back and all but left me a short time later. She told me “Once you’ve had the Creature from the Black Lagoon you never go back.”

Despite stories such as this, which Snipes says is just an example of “white people always complaining about something” the County Board of Elections promises a fair and impartial count of all absentee ballots.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Due to 70,000 absentee ballots being marked for write-in candidate Horatio Caine

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

 

 

 

 

 

of the Miami CSI, Republican candidate Rick Scott’s lead has shrunk, mandating an automatic recount.

“Personally I would have written in Flipper’s name again. He’d be a much better senator than that whitey Caine” said Snipes.

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Veteran Actor Edward James Olmos Murdered by His Mustache!

My mustache is not a source of danger

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dour, veteran character actor Edward James Olmos was murdered today in Los Angeles by his live-in mustache.

“I saw a very serious, unsmiling, dour-looking man running down the street screaming” said an eyewitness.

He kept shouting “Help me. My mustache is killing me! Somebody please call the police!” Someone said “Hey, it’s Edward James Olmos” and I said “Are you sure ” and they were all like “It has to be him. Look how dour he is” and I was all like “Yeah, he is pretty dour at that.” We tried to help but by the time we reached him he had died. I think he was dead. Dude’s so dour it’s hard to tell.

Olmos first met his mustache back in the early 1980s at an industry event and the two soon became inseparable.

Mustache love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“We always knew when we saw Edward his mustache would be with him” said a producer.

They were one of the more stable couples in Hollywood. While other actors were out partying or doing coke we always knew where he would be:  Home waxing his mustache. It was a love rarely seen. Especially in this industry. We all liked his mustache. It grounded Edward and made him look less dour. Well, slightly less dour.

But lately their had been signs of trouble in his dour, mustache life.

“I often heard Edward talk about perhaps growing a beard or maybe some muttonchops” said a friend.

His mustache would always get tense when Edward talked like that. I guess the mustache felt slighted. Once I overheard an argument between him and his mustache. It got pretty ugly. His mustache was saying “I’ve been so loyal and I’ve given you so much” and Edward was saying “I’ve grown bored with you. You’re not the mustache I once knew.” I heard weeping and then Edward said “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”  We all knew the two were having problems. I guess it was only a matter of time before an incident like this happened.

Some blame the #metoo movement for Olmos’ death.

“We feel his mustache became radicalized” said a detective with the LAPD.

His mustache felt that Olmos had used it, made it feel cheap and perhaps the mustache wanted to express his displeasure and things got out of hand. You know, perhaps in the heat of the moment the mustache reacted in anger and did something I’m sure it regrets. Look I used to have a mustache and mine was very loyal to me and would never hurt me. This can be the only explanation for the mustache violence. I urge Americans not to judge all mustaches by the actions of one. Mustaches are diverse and this is not the time for stereotypes.

Until Edward James Olmos mustache is apprehended the LAPD has placed a 24-hour guard around Tom Selleck.

He’s a national treasure

 

 

 

 

 

 

“We don’t want anything to happen to Tom. He’s a national treasure.”

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 

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Tom Selleck has gone missing and was last seen with his mustache. He is presumed dead.

“I told him to shave it after Olmos was murdered. He wouldn’t listen to me” said his manager.

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Alec Baldwin Arrested! (Yeah I know! He Seems So Nice!)

Former actor Alec “Fists of Fury” Baldwin leaves an NYPD precinct after being booked

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the week since superstar actor out of work fat asshole Alec Baldwin was arrested (yet again) for punching someone (yet again) many in the Manhattan Infidel Universe have asked me to provide my feelings on this important subject Baldwin is an asshole or did I already mention that?

Famous superstar bitter old man Alec Baldwin was arrested in NYC for 

  • Punching someone over a parking spot
  • Punching someone for being a Republican
  • Punching someone because he just realized how far his career has sunk since he played Jack Ryan in The Hunt for Red October
  • Punching someone for being a serf and not recognizing a superior being when he sees one

What has been the world’s reaction to this incident?

  • Shock
  • Amazement
  • Indifference
  • New York City has parking spaces?

Wait. New York City has parking spots?

  • Yes. A few
  • You’d think with a population of 12 million we’d have more, don’t you?
  • I mean Christ I spent an hour going around the f*cking block looking for a spot
  • I hear Staten Island has parking spots but I’m not driving all the way out to f*cking Staten Island to park my car

There must be a lot of competition for the few available parking spots

  • You ever see Mad Max? It’s like that but only with parking spots not gasoline
  • When my wife divorced me she got custody of the kids, the house and the parking spot. The only thing that hurt was losing the parking spot
  • It’s a little known New York City law that if you injure and/or kill someone while fighting over a parking spot the most you can get is a 100 dollar fine
  • GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY PARKING SPOT YOU MONKEY-FACED C*CKSUCKER!

So maybe we should have some sympathy for Mr. Baldwin?

  • Definitely. We are all human
  • I’ve personally seen a tiny woman snap a linebacker’s neck when he took her parking spot so yeah sympathy is called for
  • The only thing we should wonder at is that he showed such restraint
  • Nah. Dude’s still an asshole

What can we learn from this incident?

  • We are all weak and human nature is fallen
  • Get the f*ck out of my parking spot you asshole!
  • Seriously. Take your f*cking gas-guzzling SUV and go back to the suburbs. We don’t need you here
  • New York City needs more parking spots. Capish?  Shame if you end up sleeping with the fishes

Sadly, even if New York adopts a “Marshall Plan” to build a million more parking spots Alec Baldwin will still be an asshole. Some things the government simply cannot change.

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It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

The future president of the United Socialist States of America

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the midterms (aka “The most IMPORTANT event in the history of the world and we are the MSM and you can trust us because what we say is true”) has come and gone.

This will be a short post as I worked from 6 am to midnight on Tuesday at CBS News Headquarters in New York and then was back at work at 6 am on Wednesday and frankly I’m too tired.

So the Blue Wave was more like a middle-aged man’s enlarged prostate dribble but the Democrats still succeeded in winning the House. The Republicans gained ground in the Senate.

What have we learned?

  • The press is the enemy who are actively trying to sow division and start our next civil war.  (Hey, it’s good for ratings)
  • Alexandria  Ocasio-Cortez (aka “Loopy Occasional Cortex”) is the future of the Democratic-Socialist party of America. I just thank god she’s too young to run for President in 2020. Then again, since when have the Democrats let what’s in the Constitution stop them?
  • The mainstream Republican Party (aka “RINOS“) are as dangerous and useless as trying to take a crap in the woods and only having poison oak to wipe your ass. Sure, I suppose you could use it but in the long run…..)
  • Nancy Pelosi will be Speaker of the House
  • Donald Trump will be impeached. (“Orange Man Bad!”)
  • The Walking Dead sucks. I mean it really sucks. How did this show ever become a hit?
  • Cold pizza is an excellent breakfast
  • Cold pizza for breakfast smothered in sriracha sauce is even better
  • Cold pizza smothered in sriracha sauce will not upset your stomach. You can trust me on that!
  • My hotel room had the Bible and The Book of Mormon. But no Koran. I guess they didn’t want to encourage suicide bombers.

Absolutely no Koran

  • Dick York was better than Dick Sargent
  • Sauerkraut may cause weird poop and copious gas

And so readers I hope you enjoyed your midterms (aka “The election no one should give a shit about“). I shall leave you with a photo of the control room at CBS where our masters called the election for their masters.

Arr! There be masters in the room!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See you tomorrow. Same Manhattan Infidel time. Same Manhattan Infidel channel.

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America Votes in Mid-Term Elections: Will Socialism Triumph? Manhattan Infidel Ponders the Answer With the Words of Abraham Lincoln

Socialism today! Socialism tomorrow! Socialism forever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Sitting on a cornflake
Waiting for the van to come
Corporation tee shirt
Stupid bloody Tuesday
Man, you been a naughty boy
You rejected socialism
” 

~ Abe Lincoln, First Inaugural Address March 4th 1861

Tuesday, November 6th, 2018, a day that which shall live in infamy, the United States went to the polls in the midterm elections to decide the fate of the country. Would they abandon the cruel white nationalism of the Republican party and vote for the Democrats who would institute a compassionate socialist workers paradise?

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have watched in dismay the defeat of Hillary Clinton by Donald Trump who is literally Hitler.™  We have asked ourselves this question:  If Literally Hitler hadn’t colluded with the Russians would he have won? Sure he won the votes of 63 million racist white folk who long for the days of public lynchings and Klan terror but was that enough to put him over the top? I mean Hillary Clinton was the most qualified, articulate and compassionate woman who ever ran for office. (With the possible exception of James Buchanan who was also a qualified, articulate and compassionate woman.)

Would America wake up from its long national nightmare and put the Democrats back in the majority in the House and Senate?

“There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.”

~ Abe Lincoln, 2nd debate with Stephen A. Douglas, 1858

Many people look at the above quote and wonder, “What was Abe trying to tell us?”

While the answer has been debated I believe Abraham Lincoln was trying to tell America not to abandon its true calling towards socialism.

  1. There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold – What glitters more than the promise of socialism?
  2. When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed with a word she can get what she came for – The stores being closed to her because she didn’t have enough money to buy basic necessities.  However the promise of socialism, “With a word she can get what she came for” shows that money will not be necessary under socialism
  3. Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven – Only socialism will immanentize the eschaton.

It is clear the Abraham Lincoln wanted the United States to embrace socialism.

But if you’re still not convinced I will leave you with words from his justifiably famous Second Inaugural Address of March 4th, 1865:

“Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I’m talkin’ bout – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryna touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now – we goin’ ’til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us – (down)-man”

  1.  Ain’t got a care in the world but got plenty of beer – Socialism provides!
  2.  Now the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger – Swagger born of the confidence of socialism!
  3. Po-po shut us down -man – Capitalists hate and envy socialists and will always try to shut them down.

May America vote for the Democrats and usher in the perfect socialist workers paradise where the po-po will never shut us down!

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An Open Letter From Barbra Streisand!

Electoral college? Is that a private school?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From time to time I get requests from people to write a guest post no that has never happened. And so in keeping with the time-honored tradition of opening up Manhattan Infidel to other voices again I want to stress that literally no one has  asked to write a guest post probably because I have a readership of two and one of them is my mother I now present An Open Letter from Hollywood Legend Barbra Streisand.

Take it away Barbra!

My fellow Americans:

How does this happen?  How does Hillary Clinton lose an election? Here was a woman who was so articulate, so experienced, so compassionate. So willing to forgive her husband’s infidelity. That’s more than I would do. I remember once chasing Eliot Gould around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off. All because he preferred sex with women with smaller noses. But I digress.

Here we are in 2018. Donald Trump is president. He’s not as articulate as Hillary. He’s not as experienced as Hillary. He’s not as compassionate as Hillary.

I am in tears. I am numb. And not just from the plastic surgery to hide my 78 years. Hillary got 2.9 million more votes than Trump and she’s not the president.

This antiquated Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me.  I’ve talked to all my Hollywood friends and no one can find the Electoral College on a map. I thought I knew all the private schools. But we don’t know where it is. Probably in one of those fly-over states. I’ve never been to them. No civilized person has.

But back to my point. This Electoral College doesn’t sit well with me. Why should people from a private college decide who is President?  The people should decide! That’s what our aristocracy is all about!

You know what else doesn’t sit well with me? Dairy products! My doctor says I’m lactose intolerant. We should all be lactose tolerant. Because tolerance is tolerating!

Anyway even though my doctor told me no dairy products one day I just had to have some ice cream. So I got some lactose-free chocolate ice cream and ate it all. It said lactose free so I thought I was safe. But I tell you the next day I was pooping up a storm. Wide poop too. Nearly shredded my anus. Just like Donald Trump has shredded our Constitution.

That’s why for Election Day tomorrow you should vote for the Democrats! Vote for what they want their country to look like and feel like and be like. Democrats are tolerant. But unlike lactose-free ice cream they don’t shred my anus.

Speaking of shredding my anus the other day I was chasing my current husband, James Brolin, around the house with a butcher knife threatening to cut his penis off when he turned to me and said, “Babs, let’s remember the common enemy – the Republicans. They aren’t compassionate like you are!”

I thought “Yeah, he’s right.” So I stopped and didn’t cut his penis off with a butcher knife. But now that I think about it maybe that was a trick of his to get me to not cut his penis off.

But anyway back to what I was talking about: Vote Democrat tomorrow!

And if anyone knows of any lactose-free ice cream that won’t shred my anus please hit me up.

Barbra

Thanks Babs. I’m sure all of my readers will give your advice the respect it deserves.

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My Exclusive Interview with the Blue Wave

Warning: Blue wave may not live up to expectations

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the crucial who gives a shit midterms less than a week away I have the pleasure today of interviewing none other than the famous “Blue Wave”  himself.

MI: Good afternoon Blue Wave.

BW:  Nice to be here. But please, call me Mr. Blue Wave. I am better than you after all.

MI: Um. Okay. Anyway while none of us can predict the future the smart money says that come Tuesday you, the Blue Wave, will lead the Democrats back into power as they retake the House and Senate. Care to comment on this?

BW: Yes, well the Blue Wave, that being me, is unstoppable. I, the Blue Wave, and the Democrats, represent all that is best in America. We are the brightest. We are the most educated. We are the most forward thinking. We are not racist and appreciate peoples of color, unlike those racist Republicans. Is it any wonder why I am unstoppable? Why wouldn’t anyone vote Democrat next week? If for no other reason voting Democrat will make one feel good about themselves.

MI:You do have a high opinion about yourself, don’t you?

BW: As I pointed out I represent the well-mannered, well-bred coastal elite of America. Why wouldn’t I have a good opinion about myself?

MI:That’s a good point. Though some say you are arrogant, condescending and look down on those in the so-called flyover states.

BW: Why wouldn’t I look down on those contemptible people?  Overweight, gap-toothed, gun-toting, bible-thumping, uneducated white people is all they are.

[The Blue Wave moves backward from Manhattan Infidel]

MI: Anything wrong?  

BW: Nothing. I just don’t want people like you to touch people like me.

[The Blue Wave moves backward yet again]

MI:  I see. Let’s play Devil’s Advocate here for a second and give the reasons why one would vote Republican. The economy is in good shape. Record unemployment. Record employment in the black community. All these seem like good reasons to doubt the Blue Wave.

BW: [Stammering] What? This is ridiculous. Jobs? Why would that be good? It just makes one a wage slave. Wouldn’t the black community be happier getting handouts from a benevolent and paternalistic white father figure in Washington?

MI:  Um.

[The Blue Wave continues to move backward]

MI: I don’t know. It seems jobs would be pretty important to how someone decides to vote. A job, the ability to provide for your family, is everything.

[The Blue Wave moves backward]

BW: How do jobs provide for one’s family?  Let me tell you something. I’ve been to Harvard. I run a multi-million dollar foundation. I am on a first name basis with many in Hollywood. And I’ve provided pretty well for myself and my family without ever having a job. Well, I don’t have a family, thanks to legalized abortion. So don’t give me any crap about a job.

MI: But a job can increase one’s self-esteem.

BW: Self-esteem? Why would I need self-esteem?  I’m elite! Only little people need self-esteem.

[The Blue Wave moves backward]

MI: Are you okay? You seem to be receding.

BW: You bitter clingers make me sick!

[The Blue Wave disappears]

MI: Hello? Where’d he go?

Well that was certainly odd. One minute he was right in front of me, larger than life. And the next minute he totally disappeared.

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Dracula Accused of Blood Doping!

Dracula’s vampire records are now in doubt

 

 

 

 

 

 

Count Dracula has had his vampire credentials temporarily revoked after being suspended by the American Association of Vampires (“AAV“) for blood doping.

“The mission of the American Association of Vampires is to ensure fairness and transparency” said its president.

We want a fair competition among our vampires. The public deserves to have no doubt that their beloved vampires are not cheating. The explosive growth in vampire watching is in no small part because the public believes they are watching a fair competition. Dracula has placed this trust in doubt by his actions. Therefore we have no choice but to suspend him for the 2019 vampire biting season.

According to reports Dracula had been doping, or diluting, his blood with untainted human blood in order for him to “turn” more humans.

“By diluting his blood he gains the ability to turn humans during the daylight hours” said a blood doping expert.

As you know vampires are only able to come out at night. So they could only turn humans during the nighttime hours. This greatly reduced the number of humans they could bite. Frankly the only ones they could bite at night were prostitutes and IT professionals. But Dracula, being able to now bite people during daylight hours, greatly increased his bite numbers. Is it any wonder he was the bite champion of the AAV for three years in a row? This isn’t fair to the other vampires who couldn’t approach Dracula’s numbers. 

Dracula denies blood doping and says his large “turn” numbers are the result of his natural gifts.

I’ve never blood doped in my after life! I would never dilute my blood. I’m proud to be a vampire. This is just a witch hunt. The other vampires are just jealous and want to challenge the position I have attained because of my strength and cunning. Yeah I bite people during the day. But not because I’m doping. I wear a hat and sunglasses. And I use an umbrella. I don’t understand why none of the other vampires have thought of it before, frankly. It’s not my fault these traditionalist vampires are so set in their ways.

Dracula also claims that he is a victim of the institutional racism of the AAV.

They don’t like Eastern Europeans. There. I said it. I’ll say it again. They don’t like my kind. It’s a scandal. Every vampire knows about it but no one wants to talk about it. Meanwhile the AAV is promoting all the younger Hispanic vampires.

If he is not reinstated soon Dracula has threatened to quit the AAV and go to Europe to compete.

I could rack up some huge numbers on the continent. But where?  I first thought of Italy. I could bite the entire country. But you know Italians. They drink so much wine and I don’t drink wine. Yo no bebo vino!

After ruling out Italy Dracula settled on Ireland.

“I like beer. I still like beer. That’s the country for me!”

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War Between McDonald’s and Burger King Escalates as Ronald McDonald Goes to the Mattresses!

Ronald McDonald will make them an offer they can’t refuse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The feud between rival underworld fast food proprietors Ronald McDonald and the Burger King escalated after the Burger King ordered a hit on officer Big Mac (pictured here).

Typical corrupt cop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The struggle for dominance in the fast food industry has never gotten this violent before and has many civilians worried about their safety.

“I just don’t know if my children will be safe at McDonald’s any more” said one mother.

Sources inside the Burger King camp say the decision was made to “off” officer Big Mac in retaliation for officer Big Mac breaking the jaw of one of the Burger King’s lieutenants.

This enraged the Burger King (pictured here)

Don’t mess with the King!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and made officer Big Mac, who is known to have ties to the Wendy’s crime family vulnerable.

The decision to kill officer Big Mac was made during a contentious meeting at The Burger King’s compound. The Burger King came out immediately in favor of the killing when many of his subordinates were against it.

“Where does it say you can’t kill a cop?” said The Burger King.

I’m talking about a cop that’s mixed up in drugs. Yeah that’s what the secret sauce McDonald’s has is. It’s a drug. I’m talking about a – a – a dishonest cop – a crooked cop who got mixed up in the special sauce racket and got what was coming to him. That’s a terrific story. And we have newspaper people on the payroll, don’t we? And they might like a story like that.

And with that the controversial decision to kill officer Big Mac was made.  A neutral location was chosen and a gun was hidden in one of the bathroom stalls (the restaurant had one of those old toilets with a chain that came in handy as the gun was taped behind it.)

The Hamburgler

Secretly working for McDonald’s enemy the Burger King

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(who unbeknownst to Ronald McDonald had gone over to the other side and was working for the Burger King) was chosen to ride along as security to the meeting and perform the hit. The only snag was finding someone to place the gun in the bathroom.

“I want somebody good – and I mean very good – to plant that gun. I don’t want the Hamburgler coming out of that toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright?” said the Burger King.

And so the hit was made, escalating the brutal underground food civil war. Already McDonald’s, Applebee’s, Wendy’s and Red Robin have lined up against the Burger King.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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The Hamburgler has been shot dead in Sicily where he had been hiding out after assassinating officer Big Mac.

“You betray Ronald McDonald you get killed. That’s just how I roll” said McDonald.

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Manhattan Infidel Answers All Your Questions About the Worst Week in American History (AKA the “Someone Wants to Harm Our Democratic Masters Week”)

This man is a terrorist. If he were 100 percent white he’d be literally Hitler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, June 24, a date which will live in infamy, The natural masters of America, the Democrats, were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of evil (also known as Republicans).

And so began a week of horror unparalleled in American history. Men wept in the street. Women smothered their babies rather than let them live in a world where Republicans kill their Democratic masters. Dogs roamed the city eating carcasses. All this happened because our best and brightest Democrats were put in danger.

Since the suspect, Cesar Sayoc, has been arrested many of my readers have asked me to answer their questions about this matter. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ are more than happy to oblige.

  • Who is Cesar Sayoc?

He is a Republican.

  • Wow.  Do all Republicans want to kill Democrats?

Yes. Republicans naturally resent Democrats since Democrats are smarter and better looking. Republicans are backward looking bitter clingers. It’s only natural one of them snapped and resorted to attempted murder.

  • I heard Cesar Sayoc was Filipino. Wouldn’t that make  him a person of color? And aren’t all peoples of color naturally drawn to the more compassionate agenda of the Democratic party?

It is true he had Filipino blood in him. But he also had Italian blood. And Italians are white. Therefore Republican. Therefore evil.

  • Wait. Italians are white?

Yes. Mostly. Well, the Italians from the respectable northern sections of the country. As for the south and Sicily? Totally not white, those greasy pasta-loving garlic eaters.

  • But wouldn’t that make the so-called respectable northern sections of the country Republican and the south and Sicily Democrat?  I’m confused.

Stay focused. Cesar Sayoc is a Republican who wanted to kill Democrats. That’s all that matters here.

  • Yes. You’re right. I’m sorry. But I wonder if we should technically call him a bomber since none of the so-called bombs exploded. Indeed they didn’t even have detonators.

Are YOU are Republican too?  Perhaps you also want to see Democrats die?

  • No I’m just asking a legitimate question. Also I was wondering how the packages got delivered since the stamps were not even cancelled?

What did I tell you before? Stay focused! Or do you want the Republicans to maintain control of the House of Representatives? This was an attack on the Democratic party. And the Democratic party is the backbone of our Democracy.

  • I thought the Constitution was the backbone of our Democracy?

You’re one of THEM aren’t you? You probably helped Cesar Sayoc make the bombs. You probably enjoy seeing your Democratic masters in danger!

  • First off I don’t recognize the Democrats, or anyone for that matter, as my master. I am a citizen of a free Republic.

Oh my god!  I’ve been triggered!  I feel unsafe!

  • Calm down son you’ll splurt. I just have one last question. It is reported that Sayoc was homeless and living in his van. Did he have a PC and a printer in his van? How did he print out all those stickers plastered all over his van?

That does it. This interview is over!  If you won’t take the danger of evil Republican terrorism directed to our Democratic friends seriously then I cannot help you.  Goodbye!

I hope this answers all your questions, dear readers.

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