Bert and Ernie: We Visited Ex-Cardinal McCarrick’s Beach House!

We never suspected a thing!







Bert and Ernie, popular characters on Sesame Street, have announced that they often visited disgraced ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s infamous beach house in New Jersey.  I had the pleasure of sitting down with the dynamic duo to talk about their experience.

MI: Good afternoon.

B: Good afternoon.

E: How are you doing?

MI: So let’s get straight to the issue.  How often were you at McCarrick’s beach house?  How were you first invited and why are you coming out now?

B: Being TV stars we often mingled with movers and shakers. We met McCarrick at a party in Manhattan. He liked Sesame Street and said he “liked the cut of my jib.” That’s when he invited me to his beach house.

MI: Just you? Not Ernie as well.

E: No. He didn’t invite me.  Bert had to ask him if I could go.

B: That’s right. I asked him if my partner could go and the Cardinal said “I guess. Always room for a triple decker in my sandwich.”  I didn’t know what he meant by that.

MI: Why do you think he only invited you at first.

B: He likes them tall and thin. Which I am. Ernie is short and a little chunkier. And Ernie smokes and apparently he doesn’t like smokers.

E:  Sadly this is true.

MI:  So that means – 

B: Yes. Only I had sex with the archbishop.

E:  I wanted to have sex with the archbishop too!

B: Ernie now, now. This isn’t the time for your jealousy.

E: Well the rejection still stings. How come you got to have sex with the archbishop but not me?  He fobbed me off on a couple seminarians he didn’t want to have sex with. We were all smokers. The room was so smoke-filled you couldn’t tell whose penis you had in your mouth.

B: I mean I just wanted to talk to the archbishop about Thomas Aquinas. His kissing my penis was an extra I wasn’t expecting.

E: Lucky you.

MI: So Cardinal McCarrick didn’t like smokers?

B: No he liked them tall and thin and non-smoking. Not short and squat and smoking, like Ernie.

E: During the orgies I’d be out on the porch with the dog. People would walk by and ask me “Why aren’t you inside having sex with the archbishop? Do you smoke?”

MI: That must have hurt.

E: It did. I’m a Christian. Why can’t the archbishop kiss my penis too?

B:Well maybe if you weren’t so short and squat. That might have something to do with the archbishop not kissing your penis.

E: God loves my penis just as much as yours!

B: Your penis is short and squat too.

MI: Gentlemen! Please. Let’s not argue.

E: Bert started it.

B: Short and squat.

MI: If you could say anything to the former cardinal what would it be?

B: Maybe we can talk about Aquinas one day. But thanks for kissing my penis anyway.

MI: Ernie?

E: I just wanted you to bless my penis by kissing it. Was that too much to ask?

B: Don’t be so squat you little bitch.

There you have it readers. When attempting to have sex with the archbishop of Newark do not be a short, squat smoker.


Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to the History of the White Power Symbol

White power!








In the past two weeks not only have Brett Kavanaugh’s aide Nina Bash given the white power hand symbol but a man working for the Coast Guard gave it on live television. That has prompted many of my readers my reader to ask “Golly Manhattan Infidel. This use of the white power sign certainly is increasing. How and when did it start?”

Okay so I lied about that. Usually my readers my reader does not ask me anything. Sometimes they request I stop using their bathroom. But that’s different.

Anyway back to what I wanted to discuss.  So here for your edification is a short history of the white power sign.

Who First Used the White Power Sign?

While this cannot be proven many believe the white power sign dates back to Adam and Eve. In the non-canonical “Book of Eve”, chapter 3, verses 13-15 we read this:

13.  Great. 14. Not only did my dirtbag husband get us kicked out of paradise and blame me for it but now he’s going around giving a white power salute. 15. Doesn’t he know I’m Jewish? 

So it appears that due to the mysterious original sin of our first parents, white power was already on the rise and it was offensive to those sensitive to social justice.

The White Power Sign’s first Recorded Use in History

This would appear to be the assassination of Julius Caesar. Sources report that Caesar’s last action was to cover his face with a cloak and say “Et, Tu, Brute?”  Why did he say this?  Obviously because Brutus was flashing a white power sign as he stabbed Caesar. It was as if Caesar was saying “Great. Not only does my best friend stab me but he’s flashing a racially offensive sign. I speak Latin! That makes me Latino!”

The White Power Symbol in American History

  1. In Patrick Henry’s papers is the first draft of his famous “Give me liberty or give me death” speech. The first draft is much like the final except for the words “Give me liberty or give me white power!”
  2. When the British surrendered to George Washington at Yorktown he gave the white power symbol, prompting one of the British commanders to exclaim “White power?  What a meshuganah.  What is he? Irish?”
  3. When John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln he gave the white power sign while doing it. Said Lincoln: “White power? That hurts. Granted not as much as the bullet wound in the back of my head but it still hurts.”
  4. Bill Clinton, while telling America that he did “not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky” was giving the white power sign. Why?  Perhaps to inform Americans of his preference in women. Also Clinton was correct when he said he did not have sex with her. I mean every man knows oral sex doesn’t count. For there to be “sexual relations” there must be vaginal penetration. But I digress.

So you see readers reader the white power sign has a long and disturbing history in the world and particularly in America. This is Manhattan Infidel signing off.  No wait, that’s not the sign I wanted to give!

This is a racist hand gesture





My Exclusive Interview with Google’s Vice President for Global Affairs and Chief Legal Officer, Kent Walker

Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a big wig from the world’s most popular search engine, Kent Walker from Google.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Walker.

KW: Good afternoon you disgusting pervert.

MI: What?

KW: We at Google have your entire internet history, remember. What is it with you and midgets?

MI: It was just a phase I went through. Honestly. Now moving on, Google has been in the news lately after a leaked video showed you and other Google executives consoling employees after the election of Donald Trump. Many view this as Google’s institutional bias against conservatives.

KW: We at Google have no animus to conservatives. We were simply giving vent to our understandable fear that America had rejected its appointed Democratic leader. It’s called Democracy.

MI: Appointed leader? I thought in a Democracy you voted for who you wanted to. Freely?

KW: No. It is our job at Google to help the arc of history ever forward. And we do that by helping Democrats and globalization. Hillary Clinton would have help the arc of history. Donald Trump? He represents the rise of tribalism and nationalism. The rise of xenophobia and hatred. People who voted for him are truly deplorables. The rise of nationalism is not just a challenge for America. It’s a challenge for the entire world. That’s why we have to work so hard to ensure that it doesn’t turn into a World War or something catastrophic, like Trump voters want.

MI: Aren’t you just a search engine? What right do you have to determine what people think or who they vote for?  By the way I voted for Trump.

KW: I have just released your internet history to the public.

MI: What?

[Manhattan Infidel’s phone rings]

MI: I have to take this. It’s my fiancee.  Hello honey. What? Calm down.  French Transsexual Midgets mud wrestling Irish women in Leotards? Volumes 1 through 7?  I have no idea what you are referring to.  It must be a mistake. What do you mean you’re throwing my clothes out the window? Hello? Hello?  She hung up.

KW: As you can see we at Google have the power to punish those who do not fall behind the new world global order.

MI: But that’s not fair. I have free will and I can resist.

KW: That would be unwise.

MI: You’re threatening me!

KW: I won’t resort to threats, Manhattan Infidel. I merely tell you the future of your planet is at stake.

MI: I’ll still resist.

KW: I’m afraid there is no alternative. If you resist, the planet Earth would have to be… eliminated.

MI: Wait just a second!

KW:  I am leaving soon, and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The universe grows smaller every day, and the threat of nationalism by any group, anywhere, can no longer be tolerated. There must be globalism for all, or no one is secure. Now, this does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to resist globalism. At Google we are policed by a race of robots. Their function is to patrol Google and preserve globalism and correct thought. We have given them absolute power over us. The result is, at Google we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war. I came here to give you these facts. If you threaten to vote against the globalist world order, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder. Your choice is simple: join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration.  Goodbye.

[He leaves]

Wow. Google. What a bunch of assholes. I think I’ll change my search engine to Bing. And don’t judge me. French Transsexual Midgets mud wrestling Irish women in Leotards was a groundbreaking series of movies with excellent production values.


Evil Donald Trump, Who is Literally Hitler, Creates Hurricane Florence in Hopes of Killing Babies of Color!

Death and destruction: All this is Donald Trump’s fault!







Editor’s Note:

The following is an addendum to Bob Woodward’s new book, “Fear:  Trump in the White House” rushed for print to coincide with Hurricane Florence.

History’s greatest monster, the diabolical Donald Trump, sat in the situation room in the White House observing Hurricane Florence’s track up the Carolina coast. Using the limb from an aborted black fetus as a tooth pick, the evil bastard chuckled maniacally.

“Good, good. Death. People must die. I love killing indiscriminately” he said to shocked aides (who shouldn’t be shocked seeing as they work for Satan incarnate.)

All my life I have loved watching people die. It’s how I get off sexually. That’s why I prayed to the Devil for this hurricane. I mean what Bush did with Katrina was good but that was nothing more than flooding and a few rapes. But this storm I’ve been told will kill millions. CNN keeps saying it will be the most devastating event to happen to the United States since slavery. You now I approve of slavery and after I win my second term and abolish the Constitution I hope it reinstate that domestic institution.

The unconstitutionally-elected President then strangled a dog with his bare hands while expressing displeasure that Florence was not killing more non-white people.

“I don’t want too many white people to die. They are my tribe. My racially superior tribe” said the evil madman.

But if we can perhaps steer Florence more towards Baltimore, Philadelphia or New York we can kill plenty of peoples of color, or as I like to call them, the racially inferior past and future slaves. I love Jefferson Davis. He’s my favorite American ever. Bull Connor comes in second. And when Florence devastates the inner cities and kills the racially inferior I’ll have ICE pick up the survivors to medically experiment with. I have something in mind along the likes of the Tuskegee syphilis study.

Vice President Mike Pence, a known Christian, entered the room to watch the progress of the hurricane.

“Look Mike” said the President.  “It’s going to kill the racially inferior.”

Pence nodded his head in agreement.

“It is God’s will. The lesser races must die to make room for God’s chosen race.”

Pence then left to join his Christian friends to begin a pogrom against the Jews in the Metro DC area.

After the Vice President left, foam began to seep out of the corners of President Trump’s mouth and his head began to spin around. White House engineers rebooted the President to fix the issue. The rebooted President smiled and exclaimed, “Death! Death!  Death!  It brings me pleasure.”


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Bob Woodward stands behind the accuracy of this addition to his book.

“I wasn’t there and I didn’t speak to anyone in the White House. But from what I know about this evil person’s character I would describe the events I detailed as fake, yet accurate.”



From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, 2023: Americans Eagerly Await More Food Shortages!

Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress








With the Democratic Socialist Party of America having a majority in both houses of Congress, Americans are bracing for record-breaking food shortages during the winter.

“People have to ask themselves how important it is to eat every day” said Nancy Pelosi (Democratic Socialist-CA), the Speaker of the House.

Who wants to eat every day?  Selfish people. That’s who. People who only think about their own bellies. What Americans have to understand is that  we are a more compassionate people now. Sure the shelves in the supermarkets are empty. But that is only because once we nationalized the trucking industry the selfish truckers refused to deliver food at their new government-approved salary. That is why we had them all shot. But once we import more Hispanics from Central America to be our truckers, and believe me Hispanics know a thing or two about driving fast, the food will be delivered again. Ask any American. They approve of socialism.

Indeed an independent and fair survey from the Socialist New York Times (all the news that’s fit to redistribute) shows that 93 percent of Americans approve of socialism and welcome food shortages. The other seven percent who oppose socialism were not available having been shot.

“I haven’t eaten in two months” said one typical American chosen totally at random for her truthful feelings on socialism.

I’m dying of starvation and have dysentery. I spend most of my days dehydrated from diarrhea. But I am thankful for all the many benefits of socialism. It is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress. I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid of being shot. I’ve lost 65 pounds and am so thin the firing squad would probably miss me. Now my late husband on the other hand, I remember telling him “just tell them you love socialism. You’re so fat the firing squad can’t miss.”  And they didn’t.  But like I said, yay socialism. Now if you excuse me I have to vomit and pass out.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, (Democratic Socialist-NY) believes that the United States is on the verge of a socialist workers paradise.

“Soon class distinctions will disappear” she said while directing a firing squad.

Capitalism is the root of all evil. As long as the means of production are in private hands there will be inequity. And inequality leads to class warfare. And class warfare is the opposite of socialism, where all races, creeds and classes live together in harmony. At least the ones that haven’t been shot that is.


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


The compassionate socialist government of the United States has announced that all firing squad executions have been temporarily postponed.

“We have a shortage of bullets” said the head of the Department of Execution.

“We might have to buy some from Venezuela or dig up the executed and take the bullets out and reuse them. But this is only temporary.”




Entire Population of Mexico Now Playing Guitar on New York City Subways!

Nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there








At a press conference at City Hall, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill DeBlasio) officially announced what all New Yorkers long suspected:  They are way too many Mexicans playing guitar on our subways.

“As many New Yorkers would know there are lots of Mexicans in our city” said the Mayor.

I wasn’t aware of this seeing as I’m not in the city that often. But I was at a meeting, yeah, I know but I have to attend a few of these a year just to pretend I care, and one of my deputy mayors handed me some statistics. I was shocked when I read it because according to the memo New York City now has more Mexicans than Mexico. I am proud of this fact. It shows us the strength of our open borders policy, which is threatened by Donald Trump who is literally Hitler. And why shouldn’t Mexicans come to this city? These gentle yet very short people just want what all New Yorkers want: A chance to stand in line at In and Out Burger to buy their crappy overpriced food. Now if you excuse me I’ve already spent almost three hours in New York, which is far longer than I usually do. It is time for me to travel the country, showing Americans how tall I am.

Before leaving for parts of the country not named New York City, Mayor Wilhelm Jr. announced he is creating a new department called “City Department of Mexicans” which will have full authority over all Mexicans in the City. Jennifer Lopez has been placed in charge of the new agency.

“Yes I know she’s not Mexican” said the mayor before boarding a flight out of New York.

But she is taller than Mexicans. I like that. I was in Mexico once. I took this very short child and put him on my knee, just to show him he shouldn’t be afraid of white people. We aren’t all Donald Trump who is literally Hitler. Unfortunately it turned out the short child I placed in my lap was actually the Mexican president. Boy did I have huevos rancheros on my face. Like I said, they are a short race. Anyway I’m out of here. See you next year New York.

The new City Department of Mexicans  then announced that the entire population of Mexico was now singing on the subway.

“That may seem like a large number” said the Vice Head of the Department of Mexicans.

When I mention the entire population of Mexico are here people automatically think “That’s a lot of people and can I get some pot?”  But fortunately for us the entire population of Mexico is only 2,356 people. Everyone else has been killed by drug cartels. So if you see any one of these 2,356 people let them know New York City is a welcoming community. We don’t even care that they are so short as long as they don’t intermarry with Dominicans since Dominicans are taller.

As for the now totally empty Mexico, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. announced that he will be living there for the rest of his term in office.

“The views are fantastic and there are no more short people to trip over.”


Nike Admits It Has Backup Plan if Kaepernick Endorsement Backfires!

Believe in something. Even if it’s fake








Finally addressing the rumors, shoe apparel company Nike admitted that they have other endorsements lined up just in case the association with Kaepernick creates a backlash.

“We stand behind making Colin Kaepernick the face of Nike” said its CEO, Mark “Dumb Ass” Parker.

By taking a stand by not standing Colin has reinforced America’s greatest values of inclusion, tolerance, socialism, stupidity and cratering the bottom line. We at Nike are Woke. We at Nike believe in progressive social justice. We just happen to sell sneakers. But sneakers aren’t important. Not like social justice and offending half your market. We believe Colin is the perfect choice. We stand behind our choice. Well, we take a knee beind our choice.

Despite their confidence in Kaepernick Nike admits to having several backups ready.

“That’s just good business. Always have a backup. Whether in football or in business” said “Dumb Ass” Parker.

In case we start seeing backlash from the rubes in the flyover states we are ready to replace Colin with Adolph Hitler. 








Adolph brings name recognition. Everyone knows who he is. Especially morally superior Democrats such as myself since his name is always on our lips. So he guarantees profits. Unless Jews buy sneakers. I’m not sure if they do. I’ll have my research team look into it.  However if it turns out that Jews do buy sneakers we have lined up an endorsement with Susan Smith. 







This is a woman who sacrificed everything. She sacrificed her two children and is serving 30 years to life because she had the courage to stand behind her filicide convictions. So we believe her sacrifice bodes well for our sneakers. Unless mothers buy sneakers. I’m not sure about that. Again, my research team will look into it.  But just in case that ad campaign is unsuccessful we are going with Lee Oswald. 







Lee will give us the all-important former marine slash former communist market. And I understand that many marines are communists.  Well that’s what I hear. I’ll have my research team confirm this. But again, and this probably won’t happen, in case Lee Harvey Oswald turns out to not be a good spokesman we will use Confederate President Jefferson Davis. 











Davis sacrificed so much just to keep black people in chains. He believed in what he was doing. We respect that. All America should respect that. Unless blacks buy sneakers. I’m not sure but I think they just steal them. I’ll have our R&D team look into it. And finally if all else fails, and I don’t expect it will, after all I didn’t become the CEO of Nike by being an idiot, we will feature Osama Bin Ladin. 








Talk about sacrifice. He was rich. He could have lived a life of ease. But instead he dedicated his life to fighting the enemies of The Prophet. This could truly be a game-changing endorsement. Unless firefighters buy shoes. But even if they do who cares? Middle class yahoos.

Parker then pointed proudly to his “I am a dumb ass” t shirt.

“You like this? It was given to me by Nike employees.  A gesture of respect and affection for what I’m doing to the company. I think.”


My Exclusive Interview with Cory Booker








Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the junior senator from the great state of New Jersey and possible Democratic presidential candidate, none other than Cory Booker himself.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Booker.


MI: Yeah, um it’s Monday. Do you mind not screaming at me?

CB: But we are in crisis! If Kavanaugh is confirmed millions of women will die!  They will die!

MI: Don’t you think your rhetoric is over the top?

CB: Over the top?  Over the top?  We are in crisis! This is such a crisis I am willingly risking going to jail to expose the truth!

MI: Jail?

CB: Yes. See this mattress?  I am ripping the tag off!  I am ripping the tag right off now! I am ripping the tag off because I believe in social justice. I am not afraid of the police. I am not afraid of the man!  Come get me!  I’m willingly risking my freedom here!  I HAVE RIPPED THE TAG OFF YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!  Come and  get me!

MI: You’re a very brave man.

CB: Goddamn right I’m brave. I’m the bravest motherf*cker I know!

MI: I stand in awe of your bravery.



CB: Well?

MI: Well what?

CB: You’re supposed to say you are Spartacus too!  That way when the man comes to arrest me they won’t know which one of us is actually the brave motherf*cking Spartacus. Say it!  Say it!  I……AM…….SPARTACUS!

MI: I’m not saying that.

CB: Have it your way. You’re not as brave as I am. Do you know who else I am besides Spartacus?

MI: No. Who?

CB: I’m Henry the VIII I am!

MI: What?

CB: I’m Henry The Eighth, I am! Henry The Eighth I am, I am! I got married to the widow next door. She’s been married seven times before.

MI: What the hell are you rambling on about.

CB: Come on!  Sing along!  Second verse, same as the first! I’m Henry The Eighth, I am! Henry The Eighth I am, I am! I got married to the widow next door. She’s been married seven times before.

MI: I’ll just back away slowly.

CBCome on!  Sing with me! That way when the police arrive to arrest me they won’t know who is Henry the VIII.

MI:  I think they will take a guess and assume it’s the one singing “I’m Henry the VIII I am.”

CB: Take on me…..

MI: What the hell? Now what?

CB: Talking away. I don’t know what I’m to say. I’ll say it anyway. Today is another day to find you. Shying away. I’ll be coming for your love. OK? Take on me (take on me. Take me on (take on me). I’ll be gone in a day or two.

[Several police enter]

Policeman: Where is the insane man?

MI: He’s over there singing.

CB: You can’t arrest me.  I’m  singing an A-ha tune!  I’m in a cartoon! You can’t take me away! I’m Cory motherf*cking Booker, bravest man this side of the the Rockies!

[The police take Senator Booker away]

And so ended my interview with Spartacus.  No wait. I’m Spartacus!  Goddamn it now he has me doing it.



Meghan McCain Opens Eulogy School!

My father – no wait, I don’t want to talk about him. Trump is literally Hitler!







After winning rave reviews for her eulogy at her father’s funeral, where she bravely spoke truth to power and said bad things about Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler, Meghan McCain has decided to open a school for people who need tips on fashioning the perfect eulogy.

“As the face of conservatism in America I believe I have much to offer” said the daughter of John McCain, who is literally not Hitler, though he is probably meeting Hitler in a warm place right about now.

And what I have to offer is hatred of the Republican party and Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler. I have received nothing but rave reviews from my friends in the media and across the aisle on my eulogy. And like my father I believe in reaching across the aisle.  Like my father I believe in bi-partisanship. And by bipartisanship I mean working with the Democrats to give them everything they want while at the same time stabbing Republicans in the back. That’s why I decided to use my father’s funeral to say bad things about Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler, while his daughter and son-in-law were in attendance. I had fun speaking ill of the living at my father’s funeral and I believe it is time I offered tips to prospective eulogy, um, speaking people.

The face of young conservatives then talked about her new “Meghan McCain School of Eulogy” and its curriculum.

For $30,000 dollars those who enter the school will be given an intensive week long course with topics such as

  • How to cry
  • How to cry and make it look convincing
  • If you can’t cry convincingly how to generate tears on demand
  • Speaking ill of the dead? Never
  • Speaking ill of the living? Depends on their party affiliation
  • Does the person you are speaking ill of have relatives at the service?  So what!
  • Donald Trump is literally Hitler
  • How not to get shot down (Note: This topic has been withdrawn)
  • Always wear black when delivering a eulogy because black is slimming and you just might be a fat cow like I am
  • Using your eulogy to reach across the aisle because Democrats are cooler and go to better parties than you do
  • Leveraging your eulogy into a lucrative TV career

For those willing to spend $50,000, Miss McCain will personally craft a eulogy for you where she says bad things about Republicans.

For those who spend $75,000 Miss McCain will go to your funeral and deliver the eulogy for you.

For $100,000, the so-called “Gold Eulogy Level“, Miss McCain will dig up her father, bring the casket to the funeral and deliver the same eulogy she used the first time where she said bad things about Donald Trump, who is literally Hitler.

“I offer this service because I am an American. A patriot. And like all patriots I enjoy saying bad things about Republicans.”

Note: Meghan McCain’s eulogy school will not accept applications from those whose eulogies will not be televised live.



My Exclusive Interview with Stephen Colbert

The guilt I feel at being white is enormous!






Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Late Night talk show host Stephen Colbert.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Colbert.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You host CBS’ Late Night show, replacing David Letterman.  Those must be big shoes to fill.

SC: Not at all. David and I have much in common.

MI: Oh?  Such as?

SC: We’re both incredibly talented, incredibly white, incredibly privileged because of our whiteness and we both hate Donald Trump.

MI: Yes you are incredibly white.  I’m not sure if I would call you incredibly talented. I’ve never found you funny.

SC: That’s good. That’s good you say that.

MI: Why?

SC: As a privileged white man it is good for me to hear the truth occasionally before reverting back into my privileged white cocoon.  I am privileged. So very, very privileged. Extremely privileged. My white privilege has gotten me my TV show. If I were black would I have a talk show?

MI: Why not?  Many blacks have had talk shows.

SC: Name one.

MI: Arsenio Hall.

SC: I said a black man.

MI: Montel Williams?

SC: A BLACK man!

MI: Steve Harvey?

SC:  An empty suit and a ‘stache.  No. I see nothing on TV but privileged white men such as myself.  White privilege. I live with it. It fills me with deep shame.

MI: You keep talking about white privilege. I’m white. I’ve never experienced any of this so-called privilege.

SC: Yes but you’re low class. Not elite and intelligent like I am.

MI:I  see. Now – 

SC: I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to divest myself of my white privilege.

[Colbert drops his pants, squats and proceeds to defecate on the floor]

MI: What the hell are you doing?

SC:  I’m divesting myself of my white privilege by squatting and shitting on the floor like black Americans do. Toilets are white privilege!

MI: That’s disgusting and I’m pretty sure blacks use toilets.

SC: But why? Are they trying to be white?

MI: No. Just clean.

[Colbert takes his cell phone and smashes it. He then proceeds to start a small fire]

MI: What the hell?

SC: Cell phones are a symptom of my extreme white privilege. I shall now communicate exclusively through smoke signals as native Americans do.

MI: I’m pretty sure Indians use cell phones.

SC: How do you know? Have you ever been to a casino? 

MI: No.

SC: Then you’re ignorant. Go to a casino before you presume to tell me what native Americans do or do not do.

[Colbert proceeds to urinate in a cup and drink the contents]

MI: What the – that’s just nasty!

SC: Access to fresh running water is white privilege. Many peoples of color have to drink their urine to survive.

MI: I don’t think that’s true.

SC:  Oh god I’m privileged!  I’m privileged! Take my privilege from me!

[Colbert runs off]

MI: Well, bye I guess. The man’s crazy.

And so ended my interview with the very privileged Stephen Colbert. To all my readers: If you find yourself suffering from any white privilege please send some my way. I’d appreciate it.