Manhattan Infidel Flies Coach with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Come fly with me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the news that Orange Man Bad™ had cancelled Nancy Pelosi’s government plane ride to Europe, the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, like the rest of the world, was filled with outrage!

Naturally I stepped in and offered to buy a ticket for Speaker Pelosi on one condition:  She sit next to me on the plane and agree to an exclusive interview. She agreed.

I met her on board our flight to Europe and the interview began.

MI:  Yo Nancy. Nancy honey back here!

[Speaker Pelosi, with carry on luggage in tow, approaches Manhattan Infidel]

NPAre these our seats?

MI:  Yeah, sorry honey for buying coach. It’s all I could afford.

NP:  I haven’t flown coach in years. It’s below me. As a representative of the United States government I fly on private jets. It befits the dignity of my office.

MI:  Whatever honey. Yo, stewardess, I need a beer. You want a beer, Nancy?

NP:  I do not drink beer. Only low class people drink beer

[Manhattan Infidel drinks his beer down in one long gulp]

MI: Damn that’s good beer.

[Manhattan Infidel belches]

MI: That’s how you know I enjoyed the beer. A good long burp.

NP:  Lovely.

MI:  Hey, you mind if I take your barf bag. I have one but sometimes I need more than one.

NP:  God damn you Donald Trump. God damn you.

[Three hours later. Manhattan Infidel is vomiting into his flight sickness bag]

MI:  Oh god. I don’t fly well.  Did I get any vomit on you?

NP:  Yes. You threw up all over me after using the barf bags.

MI:  Sorry about that.

NP:  Maybe you shouldn’t have had those ten beers. Are you typical of Donald Trump supporters? Are you all deplorable beer drinkers?

MI:  Well actually – oh god here I go again.

[Manhattan Infidel projectile vomits all over Speaker Pelosi]

MI:  Jesus it’s like a river of fire coming out of my mouth.

NP:  This really smells. Oh god the smell of vomit. It reminds me of Harry Reid.  Oh god no – 

[Speaker Pelosi vomits on Manhattan Infidel who returns the favor and vomits all over Pelosi]

[Three more hours pass.  Manhattan Infidel and Speaker Pelosi have passed the time vomiting and drinking beer]

NP:  You know Manhattan Infidel vomit aside you’re okay in my book.

MI:  Nancy you’re okay with me too.

[They begin to make out]

NP:  I never thought the taste of vomit would be so sexy.

MI: I’m gonna do you now Nancy. I don’t care what the stewardess says!

NP:  Give it to me vomit man!

[They both pass out]

I don’t have much memory of the flight. I’m sure I asked her many important, probing questions about the current political situation in Washington.

(39)

3 Comments

Gillette to Follow up We Believe Campaign With New Commercials

Men are all scum

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gillette, fresh off its inspiring “We Believe” ad announced plans to follow up with even more “woke” commercials.

“We at Gillette are about more than selling razors” said its CEO.

We on the Board of Directors all have college degrees and live in nice neighborhoods. As such we want to bring about a better world. A world filled with social justice. A world where all men, filthy scum that they all are, rapists that they are, can shave their faces knowing that the world will be a better place once only if they vote Democrat. Now admittedly we might offend people and they might stop buying our razors. But they are low class people. Deplorables. As such we don’t want their business anyway. It might affect our bottom line but since when are our profits tied to how many razors we sell?

He then announced several new commercials that Gillette will be airing.

“These commercials will help Gillette enter the brave new world we live in.” 

First up will be a new commercial called “You Shave Your Face Why Not Cut Your Balls Off” where a young man looks into the mirror and realizes that the act of shaving perpetuates toxic masculinity.

“I use this razor to scrape my face when I should be scraping off the remnants of my disgusting masculinity” says the young man.

He then proceeds to use his Gillette razor to remove his testicles from his body. Holding up his severed, disgusting man thing he looks into the camera and says “Gillette razors. The best for castration. Castrate yourself now!”

In the second commercial a teenage boy sits on his bed crying. His mother enters and asks what is wrong.

“The other boys make fun of me because they are shaving their faces and I just want to wear girl’s clothing.”

The mother then strokes his long hair and replies:

Don’t worry honey. Those boys are simply trapped by their testosterone. They are stupid animals ruled by their testicles. But there is a better way.  I’m going to start you on hormone replacement therapy. You will become a pretty woman. The prettiest woman around. And you can use your Gillette razor to shave your pretty, womanly legs!

“We hope these commercials will prove that Gillette is serious about social justice” said the CEO.

He then castrated himself and held up his severed nasty man thing.

“I sever myself for social justice.”  

He then passed out.

For those of you wondering here is Gillette’s “We Believe” commercial.  As for me, I’ll be buying Harry’s razors from now on.

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Manhattan Infidel Goes on a Road Trip with Beto O’Rourke

Where’s the beer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Former congressman Beto O’Rourke, who failed to win a senate seat in Texas has begun an across the continent road trip where he will meet and greet users and listen to their concerns.

Naturally we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ wanted in on the action. So I called Beto.

MI:  Beto it’s me, Manhattan Infidel. I heard about your cross country road trip. I want in.

BO:  I dunno man. My mother told me not to speak to strangers.

MI:  I have beer.

BO:  Hop in.

And so began our road trip. We laughed. We cried. We avoided police. After a week on the road and much prodding Beto agreed to a formal interview with me. So as he drove I sat in the passenger seat, cassette tape recorder running (they can’t be hacked into) asking him the questions American wants to know.

MI: So Beto, despite you loss to Ted Cruz many have called you a “rising star” in the Democratic party. This road trip seems to be a way with connecting with voters across the US as part of a 2020 presidential run. Is this accurate?

BO:  Well as we used to say in Mexico when I was growing up, “Si. Si.”

MI: So you’re Mexican?  

BO:  Si. Si.  Spent my entire childhood in Mexico. I love the country. Its natural beauty. It language. Its traditions.

MI: Name one Mexican tradition.

BO:  Swimming across the Rio Grande into America.

MI:  I guess it pays to have a Hispanic background in America today. Have you met Elizabeth Warren? She’s a full-blooded Cherokee warrior.

BO: Nah. If it’s one thing I hate it’s people faking ethnic identity.

MI: Um. Okay. Anyway many people are calling you the “Next Kennedy.”  What do you think of being called this and is it accurate?

BO:  I haven’t thought about it much. Hey can you reach into the back seat and grab me a beer.  Mine’s out.

[Manhattan Infidel grabs a beer and gives it to Beto]

BO: Thanks man. So anyway as you were saying am I the next Kennedy? I take that as a compliment and I hope I can live up to the Kennedy label.

MI:  Look out! You almost hit that school bus! It had to swerve to avoid you.

BO:  Oh is that what crashed and burst into flames?  Hey can you hand me another beer. I just finished this one.

MI:  That was quick.

[Manhattan Infidel reaches back and hands Beto another beer.]

BO:  Thanks man. Anyway as I was saying – 

MI:  Look out!

[The car Beto is driving goes off a bridge and ends up upside down in the water]

I don’t remember what happened next only that I woke up by the side of the channel dripping wet. Beto was nowhere to be seen. A state trooper asked me if I was driving and I said “No, Beto was.”

“Figures” said the trooper. “Mexicans are shitty drivers.”

Let’s see. Bad teeth. Drunk driving. Leaving the scene of an accident. Hmm.  Beto is the next Kennedy!

(59)

1 Comment

Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Wall (In This Case the Wall Around Nancy Pelosi’s House)

Walls are immoral!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inspired by the recent fact-finding mission of veteran reporter Jim Acosta to the Texas-Mexico border we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ also want to investigate walls to see if they work.

Not wanting to step on Acosta’s toes and feeling that he has finally ended the debate about whether the border wall with Mexico is moral I instead headed to San Francisco to investigate the wall that surrounds the home of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

To wit:  Has the wall around Speaker Pelosi’s home worked?  Are we seeing a decrease of Mexicans seeking to leave her home to enter the rest of San Francisco?

I arrived at her residence and at first found no signs of a visible crisis. I walked the perimeter of Pelosi’s mansion and everything seemed normal.

But being the intrepid reporter that I am I decided to buy a ladder from a local hardware store so I could peak over the wall and get a first hand view of Pelosi country.

I brought the ladder back to her home and went up to the top of the ladder and peered over the wall.

What I saw shocked me.

Below me ranged hundreds of Mexican nationals on her property. Some were washing clothes. Some were cooking. A few were digging holes in the property to steal underground copper wires.

Wanting to get their attention I shouted “Hello Mexicans. You have nothing to fear from me. I am a reporter.”

I was greeted with a round of boos and middle fingers. Obviously these simple Mexicans did not hear me correctly so I repeated myself.

“Hello simple Mexicans. I am a brave, enlightened, liberal, truth-telling reporter and I want to hear your story.”

Finally one woman approached me. I asked her what she did and if any of her fellow Mexicans would like to come over to the other side of the wall.

“Si Si.  I cook and wash for Meez Pelosi. She very mean to me. I want to escape.”

I asked her how Pelosi was mean to her.

“She make me cook and wash 16 hours a day. She pay me very little. She beat me.”

Shocked I asked the other Mexicans to come forward and asked them if they would like to escape to the other side of the wall.

They all answered in the affirmative. Or in the words of these simple yet honorable people “Si, Si. Meez Pelosi she loco!”

It is then that I knew there was a humanitarian crisis at the wall.  I knew then that walls were immoral and only racist alt-right white nationalists like walls.  I knew that the wall had to be torn down.

I told these simple peasant folk that I would be their savior and that I would dedicate my life to seeing that they could enter freely to the other side of Pelosi’s wall.

But then one of the simple, uneducated Mexicans threw a rock at me which hit me in the head. I fell off the ladder onto Pelosi’s property where I was promptly surrounded by Mexicans who beat me and took my wallet.

You know what?  Walls work. We need to build more walls.

(840)

2 Comments

Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Texts of Jeff Bezos

Would you like to see my junk?

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the entire world now knows, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos recently was outed as cheating on his wife after his romantic and racy texts (including pictures of his “junk”) to TV host Lauren Sanchez were leaked to the National Inquirer.

Many of the stranger and/or pornographic texts were withheld from publication. Naturally the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ has gladly stepped in to fill the gap and proudly presents these texts.

Sources say the duo first became romantically entangled during a party to celebrate the Amazon-distributed movie “Manchester by the Sea.”

Shortly after attending the premiere party and seeing Sanchez, Bezos sent the following text and photo:

Would you like to see a photo of my junk?  Because I really want you to see my junk. Here’s a sexy photo of my junk. Imagine touching it. 

Jeff Bezo’s junk

After viewing Bezo’s junk, Sanchez and the Amazon founder began their steamy relationship that included even more texts.

Only Manhattan Infidel is brave enough to produce these texts. I do because the world has a right to know the truth!

Bezos:  I want to smell you. I want to breathe you in. I want to kiss your lips

Sanchez: Oh Jeff you are so romantic. You make my heart beat faster.

Bezos:  Are you taking medication for that?  Because it sounds like you have a dangerous medical condition.

Sanchez: Um, what?

Bezos:  I want to be with you. I will fall asleep with you and wake up tomorrow and read the paper and have coffee with you.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff no man has ever said that to me.

Bezos: And then if we are feeling naughty I’ll say “Alexa, what’s the best way to stick  my [redacted] inside Lauren Sanchez’s [redacted].” You do own an Alexa, proudly manufactured by Amazon, don’t you?

In another text Bezos tells of his undying love for Sanchez.

Bezos:  I love everything about you. I love that your last pic takes me completely out of my head. I need to smell and touch you.

Sanchez:  Oh Jeff! Oh Jeff!

Bezos: Let’s get dirty, Sanchez!

Sanchez:  You’re not smearing feces on my upper lip!

One texts tells of how Bezos feels that she has made him better.

Bezos:  You make me better. You’re meant for me.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff you are so romantic.

Bezos: We can be together forever. Do you subscribe to Amazon Prime?

Sanchez: Yes. Why?

Bezos:  Because if you order my undying love now you can stream it live. Imagine my love streaming all over your face.

Sanchez:  I thought I told you anywhere but in my face!

The last text that the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ exclusively owns tells of Bezos’s desire to have their love last forever.

Bezos:  I want our love to be eternal.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff! You say the sweetest things.

Bezos: No seriously. I want our love to be eternal. That’s why I’m having my brain removed and placed in a climate-controlled chamber. I want to remove your brain and have it join mine. No longer bogged down by our Earthly bodies and existing only as pure thought and potency we shall slipstream through the singularity. Our brains will merge into one powerful brain. We shall be omnipotent and eternal.

Sanchez: Jeez. You suck a guy’s d*ck once and he gets all creepy.

Bezos, the world’s richest man, potentially can lose control of Amazon if his soon to be ex wife is granted an equal share in the company.

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Manhattan Infidel Presents: An Intimate Chat with Senator Chuck Schumer

Not wearing pants

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present an intimate chat with Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Schumer.

CS:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s cut to the chase.  The government is shut down. You and President Trump are miles apart in negotiations.

CS: Let me just say one thing:  There will be no wall!  

MI:  Many people feel that we are in a crisis and we need a wall on our southern border.

CS:  THERE WILL BE NO WALL!

MI:  Um. Okay.

CS: No wall!  Ever!

[Nancy Pelosi enters] 

Crazy bitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  It’s the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

NP:  Manhattan Infidel there will be no wall!

CS:  There will be no wall!

CS & NP:  There will be no wall! 

We are not mad, just very disappointed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Wow. That was rather creepy when the two of you look at me like that.

NP: Manhattan Infidel I want you to know that you’re not in trouble.

MI:  Trouble?

NP:  Chuck Schumer and I aren’t angry with you. Just very disappointed.

MI: Disappointed?  Why?  Because I asked about the wall? 

You have been impure young man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS: No. It’s because we know you have been impure.

MI: Um. What?

NP:  Impure. You’ve been touching yourself.

MI:  What the – let’s get back to talking about the wall.

NP: Now there is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Many boys your age do this.  

Many boys your age do this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  I did when I was your age. A lot.

MI:  What the hell. I want to talk about the wall.

CS: You know all the self-pleasuring I did when I was younger encouraged me to go into politics.

MI:  The wall!  The wall! 

Be prepared for bleeding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CS:  When I was younger and polluting myself I sometimes used toys. Lots of fun but be prepared for bleeding.

MI:  Oh god.

NP:  Manhattan Infidel have you ever polluted yourself in a group?  That can be a lot of fun. And it will get you used to enjoying your body in front of other people. 

Polluting yourself is normal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Jesus!  I just wanted to talk about the wall.

CS & NP:  But we aren’t angry with you.  Polluting yourself is normal. And fun.

MI: I am out of here.

Jesus. I, I what the, I need to take a shower. And cut my arms off. And gouge my eyes out.

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1 Comment

Oscar the Grouch Not Very Popular With Other Sesame Street Characters!

Quite the asshole

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sources on Sesame Street have informed the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ that on the Street Oscar the Grouch is perhaps “The most unpopular resident.”

“In fact we all despise the asshole” said Big Bird.

I’m just like everybody else. I’m just trying to survive day by day. I like an easy life. Part of an easy life is being polite to people and having them be polite in return. Live and let live you know. But Oscar is really annoying. First off he smells like week old salami and cheese left out to rot.  What do you expect? He’s always in the damn trash can. And nothing makes him happy. One day last spring, it was a beautiful spring day. Seventy degrees, not a cloud in the sky. I was in a good mood because of the weather and I said to Oscar, “What a great day today is, isn’t is Oscar?”  Do you know what he said in return? “Twenty percent of all Americans live below the poverty line.” Like what the hell has that to do with anything?  It’s shit like that that makes most people want to avoid him.

Sesame’s resident non-binary couple, Bert and Ernie, have their own story to tell about Oscar.

“Ernie and I treat everyone with respect. Except Republicans and Christians of course.” said Bert.

That’s the golden rule you know!  Respect. And we have tried to treat Oscar with the dignity the garbage dweller deserves. I mean he’s not a Trump supporter or anything. He’s quite politically liberal. But one day we were taking a walk and Oscar calls out from the other side of the street “Hello sodomizers!” I mean for god’s sake does he have to use language like that? In front of our adopted son no less. So yeah, we avoid him now. We won’t talk to him until time passes and we can treat him with dignity and respect again.

The Cookie Monster has problems with Oscar as well.

“I like cookies” said The Monster.

Oscar promised me cookies. And I didn’t even have to suck his d*ck to get them. Which is unusual. So I was very grateful. I thanked him for the cookies and then he says “Your cholesterol must be very high. Chances are you are going to die soon.” I didn’t know how to respond so I beat him unconscious with my spatula. And my coke spoon.

Count von Count has not talked to him since Oscar saw him carrying a math book and said “Math is an obsolete science promulgated by the white oppressor pig.”

With tensions running high a petition has been circulated and given to Kermit the Frog asking that Oscar be evicted from his trash can and banned from Sesame Street.

“Look I am not unsympathetic. He once called me a ‘Green Uncle Tom.’ “ said Kermit.

“But I just can’t evict him without due process. That is why I’m counting on Mr. Snuffleupagus. He said he’d be willing to kill Oscar for a share of The Cookie Monster’s supply. Look normally I don’t sanction murder. I haven’t since I ordered Fozzie Bear killed. But sometimes you have to work outside the law to get things done.”

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Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to the Government Shutdown

Life as we know it is over!

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the shutdown of our benevolent Government dragging into its second week and no end in sight I thought it would be good for my readers if I created a handy guide to surviving this apocalyptic event.

After all, why shouldn’t my readers benefit from my wisdom? And yes the phrase “benefit from my wisdom” does legally include and any all dick photos I may choose to send.

  •  Why is our benevolent government, the government I am dependent on and have always considered a great white father figure, shut down?

Republicans are evil people and Donald Trump is Satan. 

  • I know that already. But why is Satan in the White House totally shutting down our benevolent government that in so many ways is a second father to me?

The Great Satan in the White House wants to build a wall to keep brown people out of the United States. 

  • Wow. The Great Satan in the White House is such an evil racist!

He makes me sick to my stomach. Walls are always wrong and should never be built. Except where I live of course but that’s only because I want to keep the brown drug dealers out. But that’s just common sense.

  • Um. Didn’t you just say walls should never be built?

It’s okay when I do it. I’m a Democrat.

  • I’m worried that with the government shut down I won’t get free stuff from them.  I depend on the government, who is like a second father to me, to give me free stuff.

This is a valid concern. Our Federal government is the kindest, gentlest, most benevolent institution that ever existed. We as Americans should get down on our  knees every day and thank the Feds for making us dependent upon them. For that is true benevolence and freedom.

  • I agree with you 100 percent!

And I agree that you should agree with me. For agreeing to be dependent on the Federal government is kind and compassionate. It is what Jesus would have wanted.

  • Really?

When he said “I am the way the truth and the life” what do you think he was referring to? He was talking about our Federal government. You shall have no other god but the Federal government.

  • Back to the shutdown. What exactly will be closed? I heard this is only a partial shutdown.

Technically yes it is a partial shutdown. But the body of our Government has still been wounded by Satan in the White House. And when the body of our government is wounded, we who are subjects of the Government, share in the pain.

  • But what specifically will be shut down?  Will I be able to visit national parks?

No they will be shut down. But you should never visit those anyway. Don’t you know that trees frighten black people and remind them of lynching?  We must cut down every tree in America.

  • You have me convinced. I am going to cut down every tree I see. I will do it to thwart Satan in the White House’s agenda.

You are a noble person.

  • Thank you. One more  thing. What can I do to ensure that our benevolent Government is never shut down again?

Kill Republicans. They are evil. I, as an elite, believe this to be so and it makes me feel better about myself.

There you have it readers. Now don’t you feel sorry that our Government is shut down?  You should!  Life as we know it may end without Government subsidies.

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3 Comments

Bernie Sanders Responds to Allegations of Pay Disparity and Sexual Harassment During His 2016 Campaign

Socialists like to redistribute things, including bodily fluids

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lately 2016 Democratic-Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders has been rocked by allegations that his campaign was rife with sexual harassment and pay inequality. Mr. Sanders has asked to use this blog to defend himself and his male campaign workers. We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have acceded to his request.

Take it away Senator Sanders.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Like many of you I was shocked to learn that accusations of bad conduct were made against campaign workers of mine during 2016. Shocked to learn that Republicans could sink so low as to accuse socialists of this type of behavior.

Sexual harassment is a term invented by capitalists that exposes their dirty, filthy minds.

What happened to my female campaign workers at the hands of the male campaign workers was not, is not, in any way shape or form so-called harassment.

I am a socialist. My campaign workers are socialists. As socialists what we strive to do is equitably redistribute the things of this world. 

My male campaign workers, as good socialists, were simply redistributing their hands, tongues and penises to the bodies of the female campaign workers.

What could possibly be wrong with that?

Now I appreciate that not everyone who reads your blog is a socialist. So I will put my male campaign workers behavior in terms that capitalists will be able to understand:

Capitalism is based on the transfer of goods and services. My female campaign workers had the goods, being their bodies. My male campaign workers did them a service by redistributing their semen all over them.

Now, again, had my campaign workers been capitalists they would have paid the women. And that is shameful. Instead, as socialists the women were not paid. Instead they were given papers that allowed them to get food from officially approved government stores. And, as socialists, we confiscated their guns.

I really don’t understand what the big deal is about the semen redistribution. Women enjoy intercourse with men and enjoy fantasizing about being raped by three men simultaneously. I have written about this before. 

Redistribution of bodily fluids!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now onto the second allegation:  Pay disparity.

We must all admit that income inequality is a very serious problem in the United States. More must be done to ensure that everyone makes the same salary.

Well, for the men anyway.

In the socialist society that I want to bring to the capitalist United States the nuclear family will be abolished and it will now take a village to raise a child.

Naturally this means women will not be allowed to get jobs. We will need them in our long houses nursing and raising the children.

By paying the women less I was simply weaning them off their capitalistic ways and introducing them to the wonder of socialism.

And by the wonder of socialism I also mean the semen from my male coworkers.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

Um.  Thank you Bernie Sanders I’m sure my readers appreciate your words and now have a better understanding of the glory of socialism.

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1 Comment

Manhattan Infidel Drinks Beer with Elizabeth Warren!

Drinking beer helps get me down with the common folk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From time to time I get requests from public figures to use the pages of this blog to reach out to the common person.  As such I was delighted to receive a phone call from Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. As many of you no doubt know Senator Warren announced her candidacy for President on New Years’ Eve. I am delighted to have her here today.

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Warren.

EW:  Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you have any fermented beverages in your icebox?

MI: Um. I have some beer in my refrigerator. Is that what you mean?

EW:  Yes. I love drinking beer. I drink beer all the time. You know, like all common people do. Because I’m a commoner. And I’m down with the struggle. But I have to warn you. After a few O’Douls I’m a madman. Totally out of control and up for anything. You know. Like all common people.

MI:  Um. Okay.  You do know that O’Douls is a non-alcoholic brand. I have some Sapporo 

You can’t handle this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if you want it.  Or a Heineken or some Angry Orchard cider. It’s your choice.

EW:  Whatever. Just bring me some fermented beverages from your icebox. Because I, Elizabeth Warren, am a commoner. I am down with the common folk and I drink fermented beverages like the common folk do!

[Manhattan Infidel hands Senator Warren a Sapporo]

EW:  Thank you. Do you have a can opener?

MI:  You open it like this – see the tab on the top. 

EW:  I don’t need your help!  We commoners are very self-reliant!

[Warren drinks from the can of Sapporo, then proceeds to crush it against her head and burp]

EW:  I am crushing an aluminum can against my head. That’s what all we commoners do after finishing our fermented beverage of choice.

MI: Yes. That’s what all us commoners do.

EW:  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MI:  Um. No. What?

EW:  Manhattan Infidel I want to f*ck the shit out of you.

MI:  What?

EW:  That’s right. I, Elizabeth Warren, want to f*ck the shit out of you. Because that’s what all common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages. We engage in carnal relations with people we have never met before!

MI:  No thanks. I’ll pass.

EW:  Oh come on. Manhattan Infidel please. I love you so much!

[Warren begins to weep]

MI: Do you have someone who can drive you home?

[Warren begins throwing plates]

EW: Is it because you’re cheating on me?  

MI: No. It’s just that –

EW:  It is! You’ve been cheating on me with that Alexandria Ocasio Cortez bitch, haven’t you? Is it because she’s younger? What does she have that I don’t? I have sexual experience and I can rock your f*cking world! Tell me! What does she have that I don’t? 

Teeth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Um. Teeth?

EW:  Please Manhattan Infidel, say you love me!

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.

[Warren begins to vomit in the kitchen trash]

MI: And you’re vomiting. I’m not cleaning that up.

EW: I am involuntarily, forcefully expelling the contents of my stomach through my mouth and nose, like the common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages.

[Warren passes out]

MI: Great. Another Massachusetts senator has gotten drunk and passed out in my kitchen. It makes me miss Kennedy. At least he drank an entire case of beer before throwing up and passing out in my kitchen.

This certainly wasn’t the interview with Elizabeth Warren that I was hoping for. I guess it’s true what they say:  Native Americans just cannot handle their liquor.

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1 Comment