In Crisis Mode, Hollywood Producers Attend “Sexual Harassment Awareness” Workshop

“Just touch it” is no longer acceptable







Reeling from the past few weeks of sexual harassment allegations, producers in Hollywood have banded together to attend a weekend-long intensive seminar on how to spot and avoid sexual harassment in the workplace.

“This is something we have to take seriously” said one producer who attended.

Like everyone else I never thought twice about trapping an actress in my hotel room and having her watch me take a shower before forcing myself upon her. But now everyone is so sensitive. Oh well. I don’t agree with the new climate but we have to adapt to survive. Sexual harassment shall have no place in the new Hollywood, like Christians and conservatives. And post-op transgenders. Now pre-ops can still come to my hotel room and watch me take a shower before I force myself on them. What? Oh, right. Sexual harassment. Old habits die hard I guess.

The seminar began Saturday morning when all producers in attendance had to fill out a questionnaire.

“We had questions on possible scenarios a producer would encounter” said a counselor at the workshop.

For instance the first question was “A 20 year-old would-be actress from the Midwest arrives at your office for an audition. What is the proper course of action for you to take?” Ninety six percent of the producers answered that question with “Bend her over a table and f*ck her in the ass.” I was shocked by this. Frankly I only expected around 65 percent to answer that way. I knew then we had our work cut out for us.

Another exercise involved putting producers together with actresses hired specifically for the seminar to see what the producers did.

Amazingly every producer who was attending took out his penis and masturbated in front of the actress. We weren’t prepared for such a large volume of bodily fluids. We had to move the workshop to another place while the original location was fumigated by a hazmat team.

Saturday night ended with the producers retiring to their rooms.

We told them bring only a toothbrush, toothpaste and a change of clothes. Lights out were at 10 pm. Around 2 am we were awakened by police who said they had gotten reports of noise violations on the producers’ floor. We went up and they had somehow hired strippers. We asked the cops to have the strippers leave. After the strippers left the producers asked the cops to strip for them. I backed away at this point. I didn’t want to know.

On Sunday the producers were asked to write a short essay on why sexual harassment is wrong.

The essays we got were unsatisfactory. Some wrote that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. Others said that sexual harassment is only sexual harassment if you get caught. A few wrote that it’s only sexual harassment if she sees your face when you are bending her over a table and f*cking her in the ass. I had one producer who didn’t write anything. He just pleasured himself and handed in his paper with his biologicals all over it. We flunked them all. 

The workshop ended when the producers left to attend the “world’s largest circle jerk” at Kevin Spacey’s house.

And I thought football players were bad” said the workshop organizer.


Manhattan Infidel Presents the How the MSM Will Cover the Hillary Clinton-Uranium Scandal Template™

Like I know! Why am I not in jail?







Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ there are two things that concern us: 1. Bringing the public the truth the official news media will not and 2. Figuring out where to get those Heineken 5 liter kegs. They’re pressurized you know. Oh sure there’s a place in Queens that sells a nice selection of German pilsners in 5 liter kegs but since they don’t come with an internal carbon dioxide canister you have to drink it all within 12-24 hours or the beer goes bad.  I mean that’s not a problem for an alcoholic like me but I like to have options.

Anyway without further adieu I now present how the MSM will cover the mother of scandals: How the Clinton Crime Family (“CCF“) sold 20 percent of our uranium to Russia.

Twenty percent of the United States’ supply of uranium was sold to Russia.  What should I, a member of the MSM, do with this knowledge?

  1. There can be no scandal if it involves Democrats
  2. Omit the facts and blame Trump
  3. Do not cover this at all. Suppress it
  4. OMG did you know Trump’s son met with Ruskies!!!!!

Why was uranium sold to a global rival like Russia?

  1. Why are you asking this question? Do you work for Fox News?
  2. Seriously you must be one of those alt-right white nationalists
  3. Racist!
  4. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is a warm and giving woman. She simply wanted to help an important ally like Russia

Was money from the sale of the uranium used to pay FusionGPS to come up with the discredited “Pee Pee dossier”?

  1. I won’t dignify right wing hatred by answering that question
  2. Discredited?  It is well-known that Donald Trump is a sexual pervert
  3. I mean lots of Democrats like water sports but it’s okay when we do it
  4. I am shocked!  Shocked at these binary, cisgender sexual shenanigans!

Seriously this does sound like a huge story. Shouldn’t we be covering it?

  1. Go back to the hick red state you came from you rube
  2. My wife works for the DNC. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that second income
  3. No. Keep your eye on the prize: Impeaching Donald Trump!
  4. Since when is it the job of the media to cover news?

So to recap how should we handle this?

  1. Ignore it
  2. Go on the offensive and only cover the “Trump colluded with Russia” story
  3. I mean we know it’s fake but we have to embarrass the Republicans some how.
  4. Get our friends at Google to work on their algorithms so that whenever a rube types in “Clinton-Uranium” all the results exonerate her and say there is no scandal

I got it. Ignore the story. I’m glad we’re all in agreement

  1. We know what’s best for America
  2. As a member of the oligarchy our opinions carry more weight than the rubes in Red State America
  3. They are all stupid racists anyway
  4. Sometimes I am so ashamed to live in a country like America. Why can’t we be more like Europe. They are sophisticated!

There you have it readers. Not being a member of the elite MSM I can only present the facts.


My Exclusive Interview with Louis C.K.

Excuse me while I whip this out









As a reporter blogger manic depressive it is always a feather in one’s cap to interview a figure on the front pages. So today I have the honor of interviewing comedian, director, producer and auteur Louis C.K.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. C.K.

LCK: Hey, what’s up?

MI:  It is a pleasure to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours for years.

LCK: Why thank you. That’s a very kind thing to say.

MI :Now you have a new movie coming out.

LCK. Yes. One I’m very proud of. But before I talk about that may I take my penis out?

MI: What?

LCK: May I take it out?

MI: Oh hell why not. We’re all men here and men have to do what men have to do!

LCK:  Exactly!  Men!

[Louis C.K. take his penis out and begins pleasuring himself]

LCK: Women. They just don’t understand how natural and normal it is for a man to take it out.

MI: I know!  In fact I think I’ll take mine out.

[Manhattan Infidel takes his penis out]

LCK Men!

MI: Men!

LCK: Men!

MI: Men!

LCK:  It’s science. Men have to take it out. 

MI: Why are women so anti-science?

LCK: They just don’t understand.

[Caitlyn Jenner enters]  

I used to love taking it out








CJ: Hi guys, what’cha doing?

MI & LCK: Taking it out.

CJ: I used to love doing that. It’s totally normal. May I join you?

MI & LCK: The more the merrier.

CJ: Dammit I forgot. I’m post-op. I have no penis anymore.

MI: You cut your penis off?

CJ: Well technically I had it sliced down the middle and folded in upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

MI: Can’t you just play with your lady parts?

CJ: I can’t. My artificial lady parts have no natural lubrication!  I have no natural lubrication! I’m drier than the Sahara desert and that can cause painful intercourse. I hate you God!

[S/he runs away screaming “I’m drier than the Sahara!”]

MI: That was odd.

LCK: Never slice your penis down the middle and fold it in upon itself. That’s the first thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts

[Chaz Bono enters] 

I want to take it out but I have no penis









MI & LCK: Chaz Bono, famous female to male transgender. Chaz what brings you here?  Care to join us as we take it out?

CB: I’d love to but unfortunately I ran out of money before I was able to get a penis

MI: Tough break. What do you do when you want to take it out?

CB:  I’ve fashioned a makeshift penis using some chicken breasts that I duct tape to my body. Unfortunately whenever I do that the cat follows me around and tries to eat my penis.

MI: Ouch.

CB: If you know of anyone with a spare penis have them hit me up.

[Chaz leaves]

MI: Never let a cat eat your penis.

LCK: That’s the second thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

LCK: Do you have any tissues?

MI: On the desk. It’s been fun taking it out with you.

LCK: It’s something all men do. Women just don’t understand.

And that was my interview with Louis C.K.  Women. They just don’t understand science.


Snoopy Eats Woodstock!

You can’t fight nature









In a crime that shocked the tight-knit community of children in this town, Woodstock, beloved bird friend of local beagle Snoopy, was brutally murdered and eaten by his best friend.

“I heard chirping. Not normal chirping but a high pitched scream” said Charlie Brown.

I ran out to see what had happened and I found Woodstock in Snoopy’s mouth. Poor Woodstock appeared to be still alive but I knew he wouldn’t be for long if I didn’t stop Snoopy. So I ran over to him and said “Give me! Give me the bird! Spit it out!” But he wouldn’t. I could hear Woodstock’s flesh ripping. Snoopy tore the bird in two and continued eating. Finally when he was done he spit out a bone and walked away. Cool as a cucumber like he had done nothing wrong. All that was left of Woodstock was his beak and part of a toe. I then called the police and reported the crime.

Police arrived shortly thereafter and cordoned off the crime scene. As curious, frightened and shocked neighbors watched police photographed Woodstock’s remaining body parts and placed them in sterile bags. Snoopy was then put in handcuffs and “perp walked” to a waiting police cruiser.

“You can all suck my canine balls. That is if I still had any” said the unrepentant Snoopy.

“I am shocked” said Peppermint Patty.

Those two seemed inseparable. Snoopy didn’t have to worry about food. Charlie Brown kept him well fed. That was the only thing the blockhead could do right. Why a well-adjusted house pet would do this is beyond me. He was well treated!

Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, theorized that perhaps Snoopy had converted to Islam.

I converted him to our Great Pumpkin religion awhile back. He went to all our meetings. He seemed happy. He used to say that the Great Pumpkin was “the religion of peace.” But then one day I saw him reading the Koran. He stopped going to the Great Pumpkin services. When I asked him why he said I was “an infidel who would either convert to Islam or feel the wrath of the prophet.”  I left the asshole alone after that.

Local musician Schroeder has announced that he has written a concerto, “Lament on the Death of Woodstock.”

It will be a haunting, yet experimental piece.  It’ll start off with my piano, which will symbolize the harmony of nature, and will end with brass playing discordant notes, which of course symbolizes man’s inhumanity to man. Yes I know Woodstock was a bird but cut me some freaking slack. I’m an artist. I make art from pain.

From his jail cell Snoopy has given few clues as to why he committed his crime, saying only that the “time had come.”

I was tired of the man putting a collar on me. My canine brothers shall rise up. I am not a pet for the man. Humans think they are so superior. Yeah, if you are so great let’s see you reach down and lick their balls. Can’t do it, can you? 

He then threw his cigarette on the jail cell floor.

“Snoopy don’t work on Maggie’s farm no more!”


Manhattan Infidel Presents the Official Why I Voted for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Template™

Roll dem Socialist bones!








Well it happened. Despite rising crime, despite rampant corruption, despite a crumbling infrastructure and a subway system that is a mess, Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) was re-elected by the good citizens of Gotham. Accordingly I now present another of my award winning hasn’t won jack shit templates. Enjoy!

Why did you vote for Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio)?

  1.  I believe he has done an excellent job and deserves four more years
  2. He’s a Democrat. Duh!
  3. I live in the upper west side which is predominantly white and rich. Why wouldn’t I vote for him?
  4. I’m Hispanic and I believe the Democratic party is the best choice if I want to live in a socialist shithole like the one I left in Central America

But hasn’t crime risen under his watch?

  1. I live in the upper west side which is predominantly white and rich. We have no crime
  2. I’m Hispanic. If I don’t sell drugs what am I going to do? It’s not like the white man is going to give me a job
  3. Rise in crime?  I blame Donald Trump
  4. He has a black wife! And she’s a lesbian too! This alone is enough to factor out the rise in crime when I vote.

Come on. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed all the homeless on the street?

  1. You must be a Republican. Only a Republican would take offense to homeless on the street
  2. Yes I’ve noticed them. I blame Trump.
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. I like seeing the homeless on the street. They are gritty and authentic.

What about the corruption scandals that surround Mayor Wilhelm, Jr.?

  1. You’re just trying to distract me from Trump colluding with the Russians!
  2. This is fake news
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. Yes I realize I already said that about socialism but it’s true. So cut the mayor some slack, will you? He’s trying to bring about a socialist workers’ paradise. Inevitably there will be “shortcuts.”

Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. has stated that he wants to eliminate private property and have the State control everything

  1. I live on the upper west side and gave shitloads of money to his campaign so socialism will not affect me
  2. I’m Hispanic and I want my free shit!
  3. Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress
  4. Seriously. It does. Just ask Venezuela!

But honestly. Why did you vote for the mayor?

  1. I’m a rich, white crony capitalist. His policies won’t affect me
  2. I’m Hispanic and capitalism is a tool of the white man
  3. Donald Trump!
  4. I arrived in this country illegally and don’t speak or understand English. I was told to vote for him to get free shit

Now it all makes sense. The whole thing.


Justice League Adopts Rule Changes!

We were losing ratings and ratings are revenue!







In a controversial move destined to upset purists, the Justice League voted today to adopt several rule changes.

“I’m not sold on these rule changes either” said Justice League CEO Batman who is totally not Bruce Wayne.

But times change. People nowadays don’t have the patience they used to. They don’t want us to wage long battles against evil. The public wants our battles to be action-packed and wrapped up quickly. So they were turning us off. Ratings were down, which affected the price our sponsors were willing to pay. And I don’t have to tell you that ratings equals money equals power. So, painfully, we’ve made these changes.

The most controversial of the rule changes is the adoption of a “DSH” or “Designated Super Hero.

Just as in baseball some of our Superheros are great at offense but suck at defense. Superman for example. If I ever want someone to aggressively seek out and destroy an enemy it would be Superman, who is totally not Clark Kent, by the way. I also pride myself on my offense. But let’s say Aquaman is called upon to fight evil. Now I love and respect Aquaman and there is no one I’d rather have by my side if we were under siege but when it comes to offense he’s all wet. So the way the DSH would work is he would sit out any situations that call for offense and in his place me, Batman or Wonder Woman, who is a kick ass female and is totally not sleeping with Superman, would take his place. The DSH would allow for more action and a higher body count, which is what the public wants.

There will also be a limit on how long a member of the Justice League can take from the time he first hears of evil to when he actively engages in stopping evil.

We’ve gotten letters saying that we had become too slow moving and that we should speed things up. So let’s say evil is afoot. Under the rule changes we now have exactly one minute to get into costume and begin fighting crime. Now this will be tough on some of our members. They require lots of time getting into costume. I will be affected by this. If I put on my Bat costume to quickly and am not careful my nipples get pinched. Ever try to fight crime with pinched nipples? Not fun. But you do what you have to do to stay in business so I will comply with the new rule. This shouldn’t affect Superman and Wonder Woman who can throw on their outfits pretty quickly, which they usually remove in each other’s presence. Though I must again state that they are not sleeping with each other.

Finally to ensure fairness instant replay will be employed.

Some villains have accused us of attacking them when they aren’t actually engaged in evil. The Justice League’s lawyers have asked us to institute replay for fairness and our legal protection. If there is a question that actual evil is taking place we shall stop and our main office in midtown Manhattan shall look at the tapes and make a simple ruling: Evil afoot or not evil afoot.

“I hope these rule changes will modernize the Justice League and attract younger viewers” said Batman.

“Crap. I have to pee. It’s going to take me an hour to get out of my suit. I really should design a Bat suit with a pee hole.”


The Official Muslim Written Driver’s License Test

Muslims are good drivers









In the week since a Muslim (motives still unknown) drove down a bike path in Manhattan killing eight attention has focused on whether Muslims are good drivers. Well wonder no more. I have obtained a copy of the official Muslim Written Driver’s License Test and it shows that Muslims have to obey the same traffic laws as you and I.

You drive along the street and hear a siren. What should you do?’

  1. Speed up and turn at the next intersection
  2. Slow down but don’t stop until you see it
  3. Pull to the curb and look to see if it is on your street
  4. Wait until the vehicle is right behind you and detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

What does a flashing yellow light mean?

  1. Proceed with caution
  2. Merging traffic
  3. Bike path up ahead. Enter bike path and run pedestrians over
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

You must yield the right-of-way to an approaching vehicle when you are

  1. Turning left
  2. Going straight ahead
  3. Muslims never yield the right-of-way to infidels!
  4. Who cares?  Just detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

Seat belts can be most effective as injury preventive devices when they are worn by

  1. The person with the suicide vest driving the car
  2. Passengers wearing suicide vests who are passengers in the car
  3. Allah never wore a seat belt and neither should you
  4. Always wear a seat belt! You don’t want to get a ticket before detonating your suicide vest for maximum casualties

Which of the following is true – People driving under the influence of alcohol 

  1. Are Infidels! Followers of the Prophet do not drink
  2. Can hopefully crash their car into pedestrians for maximum casualties. You see Infidels can unwittingly be used to promote Islam
  3. May lack the motor coordination to detonate their suicide vest
  4. Alcohol is a Jewish trick! You just can’t trust these Zionists!

Before leaving a parking space that is parallel to the curb you should

  1. Look for traffic using your inside rear view mirror
  2. Look for traffic by turning your head
  3. Stab as many infidels as you can
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties

If your car goes into water you should

  1. Wait for the water to rush in and let it out in small breaths through your nose
  2. Call the fire department immediately
  3. Get out as fast as you can before your suicide vest gets wet
  4. After all if your suicide vest gets wet how do you expect to detonate it for maximum casualties?

What does a NO STANDING sign mean?

  1. Drivers cannot stand in front of parked vehicles
  2. Stab an Infidel and smear his blood on the sign
  3. There is NO STANDING the Jewish State! It must be annihilated!
  4. Detonate your suicide vest for maximum casualties while sitting down; A good Muslim always obeys the law

I hope this test will once and for all lay to rest the disturbingly racist notion that Muslims cannot be safe drivers.


Entertainment Industry Shuts Down as Everyone in Hollywood Enters Sex Rehab!

Hooray for sex abuse!





What started with the Harvey Weinstein expose has mushroomed into an industry-wide crisis as it was announced today that every studio had shut down production on every product due to the fact that all their actors were in sex rehab.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before” said one studio executive.

We had to close down everything. All movies, TV shows and talk shows in production because all the talent is currently in sex rehabilitation. No one is available! We are losing money every day because of this. If this keeps up all the studios will be bankrupt soon. I tell you Hollywood hasn’t seen a crisis like this since Ginger Rogers came out as a Republican!

Another studio head tells of the problems he encountered while on the set of a big budget production.

“Everybody was grabbing everyone else by their privates”  he complained.

The star, a top box office phenom, was backing interns up against the wall and pleasuring himself in front of them. What the hell? This guy is a huge star! He doesn’t have to go after interns. He can hire a hooker like a normal person. I had one intern ask me if his medical insurance covered a broken penis.  “The actor just grabbed it and tried to rip it off” he told me. Now we have good medical and dental but I’m not sure broken penises are covered. I don’t even like to say the words “broken penis.”  I think having that qualifies as a toxic work environment.

A third industry insider spoke of “disturbing sexual shenanigans.”

I’m a pretty open-minded guy but I saw one of our actors bring a horse into his trailer. For what I can only speculate but we had to fire the horse. He was never the same after that. He was nervous and wouldn’t let anyone mount him. Kind of like my wife. I’m just thankful that horses cannot sue in California. Not yet anyway.

With every actor in Hollywood now in sex rehab,studio officials weighed their options.

“We thought about having all female movies and TV shows” said a Paramount exec.

But unless it’s porn who wants to see a bunch of woman doing anything? I mean look at the WNBA. So we couldn’t do that. That’s when we decided to do nothing but animal shows for the foreseeable future. So we hired Garfield the Cat to star in a couple movies and TV shows. Look I’m not happy about this either but until the actors get out of rehab and hopefully learn to keep it in their pants we had precious few good options. So get used to Garfield people. He’s going to be over-saturated for the next year or two.


Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news


Production on Garfield the Cat’s latest movie was shutdown after allegations of sexual harassment on the set.

“He just plopped down and started licking his balls. Right in front of me!” said an intern.

“If I want to subject myself to that kind of abuse I’ll go back to working for the Kennedys!”


My Exclusive Interview with Kevin Spacey

Celebrate my bravery for coming out








Today at Manhattan Infidel I am interviewing a figure much in the news lately: two-time Academy award winning actor, producer, director, writer, singer and former artistic director of the Old Vic in London, Kevin Spacey.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Spacey.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis? Because doing so denotes ownership. If I do it that means you’re mine.

MI: Um, no. Now let’s talk about certain allegations about you that have recently come out.

KS:  Come out. Interesting choice of words.

MI: Actor Anthony Rapp has recently accused you of attempting to sexually assault him when he was 14 years old.

KS: Yes. This may have happened. But in my defense let me say I am gay.


KS: I am gay and choose to live as a gay man.


MI:Wow. That is so brave of you.

KS: I know.

MI: What were we talking about? Well whatever it was is no longer important. I applaud your act of bravery in coming out.

KS:Thank you. I am gay. A brave, gay man.

[Lee Harvey Oswald enters]

LHO:  Hello.  

Killer gay man









MI: Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who allegedly shot JFK.

LHO: Allegedly?  Bitch please I totally shot him.

MI: So you admit it?

LHO: Yes but in my defense I am gay. I choose to live as a gay assassin.

MI: That is just so brave of you to admit this.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

LHO: No.

MI: I totally forget what we were talking about. Whatever it was isn’t important. The story now is your bravery in coming out.

LHOThank you. I feel very brave.

[Adolf Hitler enters] 

I am gay!












AH: Hello. 

MI: Ladies and gentleman it’s Adolf Hitler, the man responsible for killing six million Jews. What do you have to say for yourself?

AHI’m gay.

MI: Duh. We already know that. I mean, mustache? Hello?

AH: But I’m bravely coming out.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

AH: No.

MI: Okay, you’re officially coming out as gay. I’ll give you that. But you’re not getting a pass for killing six million Jews.

AH: I won’t do it again.

MI: Oh alright. I can’t stay made at you.

[Ted Bundy enters]  

Not gay and has no excuse for his actions










TB: Hello.

MI: Ladies and gentlemen it’s Ted Bundy, who confessed to killing over 30 women.  

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

TB: No.

MI: So what brings you here?  Are you officially coming out and telling the world you are gay?

TB:  I’m not gay. I’m all man. No. I have an peanut butter allergy.

MI, KS, LHO & AH:What?

TB: I have a peanut butter allergy. That’s why I killed all those women.

MI: That’s not a brave confession.

KS: I retract my offer to rest my hand upon your penis.

TB:Whatever dudes. I am out of here.

[Ted Bundy leaves]

MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have. You know I forgot what I wanted to talk about. But I do know I am surrounded by very brave people right now.

KS: Come on. Will someone please let me rest my hand upon their penis?

MI, LHO & AH: No!

That was one of the bravest interviews I’ve ever conducted.


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your New York City Terror Attack Template™

Another blond haired, blue eyed Christian terrorist!







A truck has been used as an instrument of mass destruction. (Hey, maybe we are becoming just like Europe! Isn’t that what our elite want?)

So without further delay here is another in Manhattan Infidel’s award winning never won an award series of templates.  Templates void where prohibited as hate speech.

A man (whom we can only hope was a Christian of northern European origin) drove a truck down a bike path in Manhattan, killing eight. Why would he do this?

  1.  Lower Manhattan is very narrow with many winding streets. He must have simply gotten confused
  2. Yes he was simply confused, panicked and put his foot on the gas. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone (unless he was a blonde, blue-eyed Christian of northern European origin in which case he totally meant to kill. You know how they are!)
  3. Perhaps he just wanted to kill bicyclists, in which case I am not unsympathetic. (Dude, spandex?  I don’t need to see your balls)
  4. Whatever the motives I’m sure alt-right white nationalists will use it to attack progressive, international ideals

You’ve hit the crux of the matter. Alt-right white nationalists will use this unfortunate accident to attack the progressive, international ideals of the United Nations and other NGOs

  1. I know! White people!  Lock them all up.
  2. Being white is a hate crime!
  3. Nationalism is not internationalism which equals racism and backward traditional ideals
  4. I hear alt-right nationalists believe there are only two genders!  Why are they so anti-science?

The NYPD shot the so-called attacker without reason, before he was even able to give an explanation

  1. So typical of the American gun culture
  2. Disarm the racist NYPD!
  3. I hope the suspect has a good lawyer. They shot him on camera! With witnesses! If that isn’t a lawsuit what is?
  4. In Europe they’d hold hands and light candles instead of defending themselves. They are so enlightened!  Why can’t America be more like that?

Donald Trump used the attack to call for an end to the Diversity Visa Lottery

  1. He’s such a racist
  2. He’s just trying to divert attention from the fact that he colluded with Russia and is about to be impeached
  3. He’s not an legitimate President!
  4. Let us all scream helplessly at the sky to vent our sadness over him being President.

I’ve just been informed that the suspect is a Muslim from Uzbekistan

  1. So?  What’s your point?
  2. What are you trying to say?  Islamophobia has no place in a civilized society
  3. You’re Christian aren’t you?  Where’s your Klan robe?
  4. Islam is the Religion of Peace and it is the fastest growing religion in the world!  Submit to the Prophet you alt-right nationalist or pay the price!

And there you have it readers. May this template™ help you make sense of this fast-moving, man-caused event.