We only have the best interests of all Americans at heart!

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we are always looking out for our readers reader whomever has stumbled upon this blog by accident. Therefore we have decided to publish the following statement that has just been released by FBI Headquarters in Washington D.C. and addressed to all “loyal and patriotic Americans.”

FBI Headquarters, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.

To all Americans:

In its long and storied history the Federal Bureau of Investigation has had only one goal in mind: To protect Americans from all threats, whether from organized crime or white extremism. (White extremism being identified by an attitude of individualism, hard work and self-reliance.)  Obviously if these dangerous white extremists should become a numerical majority, the Federal Government would diminish in power. And I’m sure all Americans of proper thinking agree that this cannot happen. That is why we monitor all signs of white extremism (white parents who attend school board meetings to protest the compassionate and inclusive pro-trans policies of their school district being one such example.)

Lately however we have come across a more dangerous threat:  The threat of religious extremists.  Some may at first think we are talking about Islam.  This is not so.  Muslims are our friends, Inshallah Inshallah.

No.  The most dangerous threat to America today are radicalized Catholics. More and more formerly docile Catholics have begun to claim loyalty to a “higher power.”  (As if there could be any higher power than Washington.) 

As a service to all good and loyal Americans we now give you this handy cheat sheet on how to identify Catholic extremists in your mist:

• They will often carry superstitious talismans (referred to by these Catholics as a “rosary.”)
• The chanting of prayers (not in English, the language of the Declaration of Independence) but in Latin (the language of dead white men.)
• Praying for souls in a place called “purgatory.”  The FBI does not as of yet fully understand this belief. More research must be made. But since Catholics believe in it, it must be dangerous. We at the Bureau believe that purgatory is a code word for the State of California as Catholics are always praying to be freed from it.
• The belief that an indulgence will free you from the penalties of sin. This is similar to those of us using low wattage bulbs and low flush toilets to prevent climate change. Though of course when we do it to prevent climate change we have science behind us.  Catholics use indulgences as superstition.

If you see Catholics such as this (they will be easily identifiable by their sweaty palms and crazed glint in their eyes) do not engage! While you may be tempted to shoot them down do not do so.  Only agents of the Government are allowed to kill American citizens.

Instead if you suspect that your neighbor is a radicalized Catholic please call the local FBI office. If your radicalized Catholic neighbor tries to interact with you and you do not have the chance to contact us remember these steps for self-defense:

• Drape your arms over your head
• Drop to the ground
• Roll away

The goal is of course to make yourself as small a target as possible so the crazed Catholic is unable to hurt you.

Thank you.  And be safe

I know I speak for all Americans when I say thank god the Feds are protecting us!

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