Manhattan Infidel Presents His Exclusive Interview With Tribal Elder and Keeper of the Sacred Pipe Nathan Phillips

Me Big Chief Lies Like a Motherfucker








Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a personage much in the news lately:  Tribal elder Nathan Phillips, who beat a drum in the face of teenagers at the right to life rally in Washington D.C.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Phillips.

NP:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, representative of the white man’s press.

MI:  So I’m reading here and it says you are the keeper of the sacred pipe. Forgive me my ignorance of native American customs but what exactly is the sacred pipe?

NP:  It is a pipe that is sacred to my people. I keep it.

MI: Okay. But why is it sacred?

NP:  The pipe has been handed down since the beginning of time in my tribe. We smoke it during important events such as treaty signings.  It’s a great honor to keep it.

MI:  Do you have it on you?

NP: Yes. 

MI:  May I see it?

[Tribal Elder Phillips hands Manhattan Infidel the sacred pipe]

MI:  Um. This is a bong. A bong in the shape of a penis. 

The sacred pipe









NP:  It is sacred to my tribe since its beginning.

MI: The beginning? When did your tribe form?

NP:  Woodstock. I remember lots of mud and someone warning us not to take the bad acid. So I bought this sacred pipe of peace and smoked it instead.

MI: I see. You also describe yourself as a Vietnam Veteran.  Where did you serve and what did you do?

NP:  I served all over Vietnam but mainly in the part of Vietnam known as South Dakota.  I was a recon ranger.

MI: What exactly is a recon ranger.

NP:  Laymen know them as refrigerator technicians. But in the military we are known as recon rangers. That’s what we are known in the service. I wouldn’t expect a civilian like you to know this.

MI:  Refrigerator repairmen are known as recon rangers in the Marines?

NP:  Like I said I wouldn’t expect a civilian like yourself to know this term.

MI: You also call yourself the “water protector” at Standing Rock. What does a water protector do exactly?

NP: I sell bottled water. Bottled water is sacred to my people. The selling of bottled water is a sacred ritual.

MI:  Right.  Now let’s get to what I wanted to talk about. You confronted the teenager from Covington at the rally in DC and drummed right in his face. Why did you do that? 










NP: I didn’t confront him. I was attempting to defuse a tense situation.

MI: Many believe otherwise and think you were intentionally trying to be confrontational.

NP: White man speak with forked tongue.

MI:  White man speak with video evidence.

NP: I will not sell white man the sacred bottled water.

MI: I’m utterly shattered by that. Anyway one last question before I go. Your name, Nathan Phillips, sounds western. Do you have a native American name?

NP:  Yes. Among my tribe I am known as Chief Nocka wantu mocka fanga mooka wang chung tonight.

MI:  What does that mean?

NP: Chief Lying Sack of Shit Who Bamboozles Gullible White Folk.

MI:  I see. Well that’s about all the time we have.

NP:  Wait. Don’t you want your d*ck sucked?  I’ll suck it for 20 dollars. In my tribe I am also known as Chief Cum Dumpster.

MI: No thanks I’ll pass.

And so ended my interview with Vietnam veteran, tribal elder, keeper of the sacred pipe and water protector Nathan Phillips. This is just a hunch but I think he might have been running some sort of scam.



New York City Expands Gender Identity Options for Residents!

Binary gender identity is strictly for capitalists!











New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has announced that henceforth all residents of Gotham will have more than two gender identities to choose from on their NYC identification cards.

“This is a forward-thinking and compassionate day for New Yorkers” declared the Sandinista.

In the fairest big city in America, we have a mandate to further our commitment to justice and access for all transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming New Yorkers,  Also, those who wish to change their gender identify on their ID card will not have to pay an extra fee. Assuming the gender identity change of heart happens in the same calendar year as the issuance of the ID card. We are sending a clear message that all New Yorkers, of all gender identities and expressions, belong and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Unless they are conservatives. They will have to pay through the nose. Serves them right. Damn binary gender freaks!

Using my journalistic skills I was able to exclusively obtain the new ID card and its gender identity options which I now present for my readers:

  • Gender
  1. Male
  2. Female
  3. X
  4. Malcom X
  5. Malcom McDowell
  6. Malcom-Jamal Warner
  7. Time Warner
  8. Spectrum (formerly Time Warner)
  9. Depends on how many drinks I have
  10. Binary (But don’t hold it against me)
  11. Binary (I hate myself and yearn to change my gender but am too afraid to do so as I’ve grown attached to my balls)
  12. Speaking of balls I’m heading down to Little Italy for some spaghetti with meat balls
  13. Are there real balls in meat balls? I only ask because they were slapping against my chin as I ate them.
  14. English
  15. I have this growth on the inside of my thigh. Might be a third ball. Might be a skin tag. Will this affect my gender identity choice?
  16. Chewbacca
  17. Self-identify as male but I’m also a dancer on Broadway which complicates things
  18. Currently incarcerated and self-identify as female for my cell mate
  19. My gender identity always changes. I’m like one of those fish that changes sexes. Only I never change sex. But sex and gender are not the same thing. You see gender is a bourgeois construct
  20. I have man boobs. They used to be a source of shame but then I realized I could save money staying at home on Saturday night playing with them instead of hiring a sex worker
  21. I am not defined by my external genitalia
  22. Okay I’m pretty much defined by my external genitalia
  23. Would you like to see my external genitalia?
  24. Is that mace?
  25. Jeesh it’s not like I asked you to touch it
  26. Herman’s Hermits were a critically underrated band
  27. Pete Best. Yes I realize he’s English but I want to be specific so no. 14 doesn’t apply
  28. Used to to self-identify as male but then I had an accident involving a weed wacker. Now I self–identify as female
  29. Do you happen to know a good lawyer?  Those weed wacker instructions were not clear
  30. Mambo  no. 5

I’m sure I speak for all New Yorkers when I say well done, Mr. Mayor. Well done. By the way do any of my readers know a good lawyer. I’m serious about those weed wacker instructions.



Jamie Farr Hospitalized With Symptoms of Pon Farr!

My blood burns! I must mate with you!











Jamie Farr of M*A*S*H fame was hospitalized today with what doctors are calling “Pon Farr-like symptoms.”

“Mr. Farr remains in stable condition” said a doctor attending him.

But for his own safety, and the safety of the nurses in our hospital, we had to place him in restraints. He kept trying to mate with all the nurses. Seriously he was screaming “I must mate with you or die!” I mean I’m just a humble doctor but that seems to be coming on a bit too strong. I guess that’s just how they do it in Hollywood. But still, we had to sedate him before one of the nurses maced him. He was running around the hospital screaming “I have waited seven years to mate with you.” When he would get turned down he’d pull that on another woman. He even challenged some of the men to a fight to the death. I get it. Sex is a serious business and Mr. Farr obviously takes it seriously. But come on! Anyway we gave him enough tranquilizers to knock out a NFL defensive lineman.

At first doctors thought Farr was simply drunk but after he kept requesting Plomeek soup they knew what the medical issue was.

While rare, it is not unheard of for a non-Vulcan to come down with Pon Farr and feel a need to mate. One only has to remember the career of the late Senator Ted Kennedy, who suffered with Pon Farr for most of his life. Or Warren Beatty who used to attack actresses and tell them that he was going to “Pon Farr the crap out of them.” So yeah, it happens. Luckily for Mr. Farr our staff is trained in Pon Farr and knows what to do.

After the diagnosis was made, Farr was placed in an intensive “Anti-Pon Farr” program that includes cold showers, being made to sit on a block of ice for 20 minutes at a time and having to kiss his aunt.

These treatments usually work. And Farr has shown signs of progress. After getting off the block of ice he said “Jeez all I can think of right now is how goddamn cold my nuts are.” That’s good in that he is no longer thinking of mating. And fortunately for us his testicles weren’t stuck to the ice. Sometimes that happens and they rip off when the patient tries to stand up. That can lead to lawsuits. But as I mentioned earlier this treatment appears to be working. If Mr. Farr continues to make progress he can hope to be released sometime in the next few days.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


M*A*S*H actor Jamie Farr has been released from the hospital after a recent bout with Pon Farr.

“I feel really lucky” said Mr. Farr.

“It’s a good thing my name is Farr and I got the Pon Farr. My last name could have been “Distended Colon.’ “


Manhattan Infidel Demonstrates His Sensitivity and Marches With the Pussy Hat Brigade








We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ pride ourselves on how enlightened and compassionate we are. And as a compassionate and enlightened person I wanted to show solidarity with my oppressed sisters by marching in this year’s Woman’s March.

But first I had to get permission. I mean only a man suffering from toxic masculinity would barge in on the parade unannounced. So I called the March headquarters.

WM:  Hello, Woman’s March headquarters

MI: May I speak to the man in charge?

[She hangs up]

At first I was surprised she hung up but upon reflection a woman’s work is never done and she probably had laundry to do.

So it was off to the March. But first I had to decide which march to march in.  The march had broken into two groups (probably a male trick – divide and conquer).

After much reflection and soul searching I decided to march with the group having the younger, more attractive women in it. (As an accomplished journalist I wanted to get the stories of women just starting out in life.)

So I bought a pussy hat and off I went to find the marchers.

After eventually finding a group of marchers and joining them I removed my jacket to reveal my “Clean my house and feed me” t shirt.  Some of the marchers didn’t understand that the shirt was supposed to be ironic. But that’s understandable. Women have a lot of work to do around the house and don’t have the resources to understand irony or subtlety.

So I decided to take pity on the woman and “mansplain” why the t shirt was ironic.

You see ladies. I’m here marching for your equal rights. And wearing a t shirt that says this displays toxic masculinity. That’s why it’s ironic. I know many of you probably were busy taking home economics courses in school and missed out on the subtlety but I assure you it’s because I support my sisters in every way. However if one of you honeys would like to come over and clean my house before cooking me an excellent meal I sure would appreciate it.

They seemed to accept my explanation and the march continued.

As we marched together I could feel a growing bond between me and the other marchers. So much so that I naturally wanted to become as intimate as possible with my new found friends.

After asking, by my count, over 400 women if they would like to see my penis and being rejected each time I had to speak up and voice my concerns.

What the hell is wrong with all of you?  Why don’t you want to see my penis?  Is is that time of the month for all of you? I just want to build upon the intimacy we all feel together. Any of you swallow?

I was then attacked by the marchers and beaten unconscious.  (Women can be so emotional and irrational sometimes!)

And so ended my involvement with the Women’s March 2019.  All in all I continue to support the cause. But just be careful about getting on their nerves during their periods.



Manhattan Infidel Flies Coach with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Come fly with me!







With the news that Orange Man Bad™ had cancelled Nancy Pelosi’s government plane ride to Europe, the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, like the rest of the world, was filled with outrage!

Naturally I stepped in and offered to buy a ticket for Speaker Pelosi on one condition:  She sit next to me on the plane and agree to an exclusive interview. She agreed.

I met her on board our flight to Europe and the interview began.

MI:  Yo Nancy. Nancy honey back here!

[Speaker Pelosi, with carry on luggage in tow, approaches Manhattan Infidel]

NPAre these our seats?

MI:  Yeah, sorry honey for buying coach. It’s all I could afford.

NP:  I haven’t flown coach in years. It’s below me. As a representative of the United States government I fly on private jets. It befits the dignity of my office.

MI:  Whatever honey. Yo, stewardess, I need a beer. You want a beer, Nancy?

NP:  I do not drink beer. Only low class people drink beer

[Manhattan Infidel drinks his beer down in one long gulp]

MI: Damn that’s good beer.

[Manhattan Infidel belches]

MI: That’s how you know I enjoyed the beer. A good long burp.

NP:  Lovely.

MI:  Hey, you mind if I take your barf bag. I have one but sometimes I need more than one.

NP:  God damn you Donald Trump. God damn you.

[Three hours later. Manhattan Infidel is vomiting into his flight sickness bag]

MI:  Oh god. I don’t fly well.  Did I get any vomit on you?

NP:  Yes. You threw up all over me after using the barf bags.

MI:  Sorry about that.

NP:  Maybe you shouldn’t have had those ten beers. Are you typical of Donald Trump supporters? Are you all deplorable beer drinkers?

MI:  Well actually – oh god here I go again.

[Manhattan Infidel projectile vomits all over Speaker Pelosi]

MI:  Jesus it’s like a river of fire coming out of my mouth.

NP:  This really smells. Oh god the smell of vomit. It reminds me of Harry Reid.  Oh god no – 

[Speaker Pelosi vomits on Manhattan Infidel who returns the favor and vomits all over Pelosi]

[Three more hours pass.  Manhattan Infidel and Speaker Pelosi have passed the time vomiting and drinking beer]

NP:  You know Manhattan Infidel vomit aside you’re okay in my book.

MI:  Nancy you’re okay with me too.

[They begin to make out]

NP:  I never thought the taste of vomit would be so sexy.

MI: I’m gonna do you now Nancy. I don’t care what the stewardess says!

NP:  Give it to me vomit man!

[They both pass out]

I don’t have much memory of the flight. I’m sure I asked her many important, probing questions about the current political situation in Washington.



Gillette to Follow up We Believe Campaign With New Commercials

Men are all scum








Gillette, fresh off its inspiring “We Believe” ad announced plans to follow up with even more “woke” commercials.

“We at Gillette are about more than selling razors” said its CEO.

We on the Board of Directors all have college degrees and live in nice neighborhoods. As such we want to bring about a better world. A world filled with social justice. A world where all men, filthy scum that they all are, rapists that they are, can shave their faces knowing that the world will be a better place once only if they vote Democrat. Now admittedly we might offend people and they might stop buying our razors. But they are low class people. Deplorables. As such we don’t want their business anyway. It might affect our bottom line but since when are our profits tied to how many razors we sell?

He then announced several new commercials that Gillette will be airing.

“These commercials will help Gillette enter the brave new world we live in.” 

First up will be a new commercial called “You Shave Your Face Why Not Cut Your Balls Off” where a young man looks into the mirror and realizes that the act of shaving perpetuates toxic masculinity.

“I use this razor to scrape my face when I should be scraping off the remnants of my disgusting masculinity” says the young man.

He then proceeds to use his Gillette razor to remove his testicles from his body. Holding up his severed, disgusting man thing he looks into the camera and says “Gillette razors. The best for castration. Castrate yourself now!”

In the second commercial a teenage boy sits on his bed crying. His mother enters and asks what is wrong.

“The other boys make fun of me because they are shaving their faces and I just want to wear girl’s clothing.”

The mother then strokes his long hair and replies:

Don’t worry honey. Those boys are simply trapped by their testosterone. They are stupid animals ruled by their testicles. But there is a better way.  I’m going to start you on hormone replacement therapy. You will become a pretty woman. The prettiest woman around. And you can use your Gillette razor to shave your pretty, womanly legs!

“We hope these commercials will prove that Gillette is serious about social justice” said the CEO.

He then castrated himself and held up his severed nasty man thing.

“I sever myself for social justice.”  

He then passed out.

For those of you wondering here is Gillette’s “We Believe” commercial.  As for me, I’ll be buying Harry’s razors from now on.


Manhattan Infidel Goes on a Road Trip with Beto O’Rourke

Where’s the beer?







Former congressman Beto O’Rourke, who failed to win a senate seat in Texas has begun an across the continent road trip where he will meet and greet users and listen to their concerns.

Naturally we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ wanted in on the action. So I called Beto.

MI:  Beto it’s me, Manhattan Infidel. I heard about your cross country road trip. I want in.

BO:  I dunno man. My mother told me not to speak to strangers.

MI:  I have beer.

BO:  Hop in.

And so began our road trip. We laughed. We cried. We avoided police. After a week on the road and much prodding Beto agreed to a formal interview with me. So as he drove I sat in the passenger seat, cassette tape recorder running (they can’t be hacked into) asking him the questions American wants to know.

MI: So Beto, despite you loss to Ted Cruz many have called you a “rising star” in the Democratic party. This road trip seems to be a way with connecting with voters across the US as part of a 2020 presidential run. Is this accurate?

BO:  Well as we used to say in Mexico when I was growing up, “Si. Si.”

MI: So you’re Mexican?  

BO:  Si. Si.  Spent my entire childhood in Mexico. I love the country. Its natural beauty. It language. Its traditions.

MI: Name one Mexican tradition.

BO:  Swimming across the Rio Grande into America.

MI:  I guess it pays to have a Hispanic background in America today. Have you met Elizabeth Warren? She’s a full-blooded Cherokee warrior.

BO: Nah. If it’s one thing I hate it’s people faking ethnic identity.

MI: Um. Okay. Anyway many people are calling you the “Next Kennedy.”  What do you think of being called this and is it accurate?

BO:  I haven’t thought about it much. Hey can you reach into the back seat and grab me a beer.  Mine’s out.

[Manhattan Infidel grabs a beer and gives it to Beto]

BO: Thanks man. So anyway as you were saying am I the next Kennedy? I take that as a compliment and I hope I can live up to the Kennedy label.

MI:  Look out! You almost hit that school bus! It had to swerve to avoid you.

BO:  Oh is that what crashed and burst into flames?  Hey can you hand me another beer. I just finished this one.

MI:  That was quick.

[Manhattan Infidel reaches back and hands Beto another beer.]

BO:  Thanks man. Anyway as I was saying – 

MI:  Look out!

[The car Beto is driving goes off a bridge and ends up upside down in the water]

I don’t remember what happened next only that I woke up by the side of the channel dripping wet. Beto was nowhere to be seen. A state trooper asked me if I was driving and I said “No, Beto was.”

“Figures” said the trooper. “Mexicans are shitty drivers.”

Let’s see. Bad teeth. Drunk driving. Leaving the scene of an accident. Hmm.  Beto is the next Kennedy!


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Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Wall (In This Case the Wall Around Nancy Pelosi’s House)

Walls are immoral!








Inspired by the recent fact-finding mission of veteran reporter Jim Acosta to the Texas-Mexico border we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ also want to investigate walls to see if they work.

Not wanting to step on Acosta’s toes and feeling that he has finally ended the debate about whether the border wall with Mexico is moral I instead headed to San Francisco to investigate the wall that surrounds the home of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

To wit:  Has the wall around Speaker Pelosi’s home worked?  Are we seeing a decrease of Mexicans seeking to leave her home to enter the rest of San Francisco?

I arrived at her residence and at first found no signs of a visible crisis. I walked the perimeter of Pelosi’s mansion and everything seemed normal.

But being the intrepid reporter that I am I decided to buy a ladder from a local hardware store so I could peak over the wall and get a first hand view of Pelosi country.

I brought the ladder back to her home and went up to the top of the ladder and peered over the wall.

What I saw shocked me.

Below me ranged hundreds of Mexican nationals on her property. Some were washing clothes. Some were cooking. A few were digging holes in the property to steal underground copper wires.

Wanting to get their attention I shouted “Hello Mexicans. You have nothing to fear from me. I am a reporter.”

I was greeted with a round of boos and middle fingers. Obviously these simple Mexicans did not hear me correctly so I repeated myself.

“Hello simple Mexicans. I am a brave, enlightened, liberal, truth-telling reporter and I want to hear your story.”

Finally one woman approached me. I asked her what she did and if any of her fellow Mexicans would like to come over to the other side of the wall.

“Si Si.  I cook and wash for Meez Pelosi. She very mean to me. I want to escape.”

I asked her how Pelosi was mean to her.

“She make me cook and wash 16 hours a day. She pay me very little. She beat me.”

Shocked I asked the other Mexicans to come forward and asked them if they would like to escape to the other side of the wall.

They all answered in the affirmative. Or in the words of these simple yet honorable people “Si, Si. Meez Pelosi she loco!”

It is then that I knew there was a humanitarian crisis at the wall.  I knew then that walls were immoral and only racist alt-right white nationalists like walls.  I knew that the wall had to be torn down.

I told these simple peasant folk that I would be their savior and that I would dedicate my life to seeing that they could enter freely to the other side of Pelosi’s wall.

But then one of the simple, uneducated Mexicans threw a rock at me which hit me in the head. I fell off the ladder onto Pelosi’s property where I was promptly surrounded by Mexicans who beat me and took my wallet.

You know what?  Walls work. We need to build more walls.



Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Texts of Jeff Bezos

Would you like to see my junk?







As the entire world now knows, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos recently was outed as cheating on his wife after his romantic and racy texts (including pictures of his “junk”) to TV host Lauren Sanchez were leaked to the National Inquirer.

Many of the stranger and/or pornographic texts were withheld from publication. Naturally the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ has gladly stepped in to fill the gap and proudly presents these texts.

Sources say the duo first became romantically entangled during a party to celebrate the Amazon-distributed movie “Manchester by the Sea.”

Shortly after attending the premiere party and seeing Sanchez, Bezos sent the following text and photo:

Would you like to see a photo of my junk?  Because I really want you to see my junk. Here’s a sexy photo of my junk. Imagine touching it. 

Jeff Bezo’s junk

After viewing Bezo’s junk, Sanchez and the Amazon founder began their steamy relationship that included even more texts.

Only Manhattan Infidel is brave enough to produce these texts. I do because the world has a right to know the truth!

Bezos:  I want to smell you. I want to breathe you in. I want to kiss your lips

Sanchez: Oh Jeff you are so romantic. You make my heart beat faster.

Bezos:  Are you taking medication for that?  Because it sounds like you have a dangerous medical condition.

Sanchez: Um, what?

Bezos:  I want to be with you. I will fall asleep with you and wake up tomorrow and read the paper and have coffee with you.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff no man has ever said that to me.

Bezos: And then if we are feeling naughty I’ll say “Alexa, what’s the best way to stick  my [redacted] inside Lauren Sanchez’s [redacted].” You do own an Alexa, proudly manufactured by Amazon, don’t you?

In another text Bezos tells of his undying love for Sanchez.

Bezos:  I love everything about you. I love that your last pic takes me completely out of my head. I need to smell and touch you.

Sanchez:  Oh Jeff! Oh Jeff!

Bezos: Let’s get dirty, Sanchez!

Sanchez:  You’re not smearing feces on my upper lip!

One texts tells of how Bezos feels that she has made him better.

Bezos:  You make me better. You’re meant for me.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff you are so romantic.

Bezos: We can be together forever. Do you subscribe to Amazon Prime?

Sanchez: Yes. Why?

Bezos:  Because if you order my undying love now you can stream it live. Imagine my love streaming all over your face.

Sanchez:  I thought I told you anywhere but in my face!

The last text that the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ exclusively owns tells of Bezos’s desire to have their love last forever.

Bezos:  I want our love to be eternal.

Sanchez: Oh Jeff! You say the sweetest things.

Bezos: No seriously. I want our love to be eternal. That’s why I’m having my brain removed and placed in a climate-controlled chamber. I want to remove your brain and have it join mine. No longer bogged down by our Earthly bodies and existing only as pure thought and potency we shall slipstream through the singularity. Our brains will merge into one powerful brain. We shall be omnipotent and eternal.

Sanchez: Jeez. You suck a guy’s d*ck once and he gets all creepy.

Bezos, the world’s richest man, potentially can lose control of Amazon if his soon to be ex wife is granted an equal share in the company.


Manhattan Infidel Presents: An Intimate Chat with Senator Chuck Schumer

Not wearing pants









Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present an intimate chat with Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Schumer.

CS:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s cut to the chase.  The government is shut down. You and President Trump are miles apart in negotiations.

CS: Let me just say one thing:  There will be no wall!  

MI:  Many people feel that we are in a crisis and we need a wall on our southern border.


MI:  Um. Okay.

CS: No wall!  Ever!

[Nancy Pelosi enters] 

Crazy bitch








MI:  It’s the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!

NP:  Manhattan Infidel there will be no wall!

CS:  There will be no wall!

CS & NP:  There will be no wall! 

We are not mad, just very disappointed.










MI:  Wow. That was rather creepy when the two of you look at me like that.

NP: Manhattan Infidel I want you to know that you’re not in trouble.

MI:  Trouble?

NP:  Chuck Schumer and I aren’t angry with you. Just very disappointed.

MI: Disappointed?  Why?  Because I asked about the wall? 

You have been impure young man








CS: No. It’s because we know you have been impure.

MI: Um. What?

NP:  Impure. You’ve been touching yourself.

MI:  What the – let’s get back to talking about the wall.

NP: Now there is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Many boys your age do this.  

Many boys your age do this









CS:  I did when I was your age. A lot.

MI:  What the hell. I want to talk about the wall.

CS: You know all the self-pleasuring I did when I was younger encouraged me to go into politics.

MI:  The wall!  The wall! 

Be prepared for bleeding









CS:  When I was younger and polluting myself I sometimes used toys. Lots of fun but be prepared for bleeding.

MI:  Oh god.

NP:  Manhattan Infidel have you ever polluted yourself in a group?  That can be a lot of fun. And it will get you used to enjoying your body in front of other people. 

Polluting yourself is normal









MI:  Jesus!  I just wanted to talk about the wall.

CS & NP:  But we aren’t angry with you.  Polluting yourself is normal. And fun.

MI: I am out of here.

Jesus. I, I what the, I need to take a shower. And cut my arms off. And gouge my eyes out.


1 Comment