Linus Expelled From Elementary School for Binary Activity!

All I did was bring a blanket to school!









Local child Linus Van Pelt has been expelled “with extreme prejudice” from the elementary school he was enrolled in after teachers and administrators became concerned over his “binary and nationalistic” beliefs.

Sources report that Van Pelt had always been on the school board’s radar.

“He brought his blanket to school” said a member of the board.

He called it his “security blanket.”  Naturally this triggered many of the students.  They wondered why Linus got to be secure while they live in the hellhole of failed expectations. We asked Linus to keep his blanket at home.  After all, if he had a security blanket then all the students would want a security blanket. And then the entire district would be triggered.

When Linus refused to keep his security blanket home a compromise was reached and it was decided that he could bring the blanket as long as he called it his “blanket of oppression.”

We at the board felt that calling it a blanket of oppression would help remind students of the structural and institutional racism of the white man.  We are all oppressed by the white man. Yes I know I’m white as well but I’m a Democrat and that means I’m sophisticated enough to fight the oppression that my people do.

Soon however new trouble arose when Linus was selected for the school “Holiday” play.

We don’t like to call it a “Christmas” play as Christmas is an inherently non-inclusive holiday. We want to bring the holiday more in line with Islamic values. That’s why we threw the homosexual art teacher off the roof. It’s a start anyway. But back to Linus. He insisted on adding a speech about the true meaning of “Christmas” to the play. Well once we found out the hate-filled nature of the speech we became extremely triggered and expelled him from school.

Not only has Linus been expelled but his parents have been banned from attending any school board meetings.

These parents. Really!  They think just because they raise their children that they know what’s best for them. Do they have advanced degrees in education?  I don’t think so. We are the experts. We are the ones who know what children really want. And what children really want is to change their gender.

Note:  As a service to my readers I now present Linus’s speech from the Holiday play. I must warn people that the language is strong and hateful. If any readers become triggered we suggest they contact their local mental health hotline or donate to the Democratic Party.


Newly Declassified Documents Show CIA Role in Assassination of H.R. Pufnstuf!

H.R. Pufnstuf, victim of CIA assassination plot!







Documents recently declassified from the National Archives show what many over the years have suspected:  The CIA planned and carried out the assassination of H.R. Pufnstuf.

“I asked someone from the National Archives if the CIA was involved” said a reporter looking into the documents.

And he said “Definitely. It was a CIA op from the get go.” These were harrowing words to hear.  Think about it.  Our intelligence community was involved in the assassination of an American citizen.  Not an enemy overseas. But an American on American soil.  We have to face up to the fact that our country is not what we thought it was.  It’s all been a sham.

According to the documents the decision to kill Pufnstuf was made by future president George H.W. Bush, who was Director of the CIA at the time.

“Bush was obsessed with Pufnstuf” said a source within the archives.

He viewed Pufnstuf’s popularity with the younger generation as troubling and thought he was a threat to Our Democracy. Also there were rumors that Pufnstuf was a white nationalist with ties to radical militia groups. 

Pufnstuf photographed with his white supremacist militia buddies

Wishing to rid America of what he viewed as its greatest menace, Bush arranged for a CIA officer named Freddy the Flute

Freddy the flute was a patriot and loyal CIA officer!










to gain access to Pufnstuf’s inner circle.

This was easy for Freddy to do.  Pufnstuf was, how shall we put it, rather naïve.  He believed in the essential goodness in people, which only exists in Hollywood movies and certain sections of Nebraska. So Freddy was able to ingratiate himself with Pufnstuf and report on him and his white nationalist buddies. Pufnstuf never suspected a thing.  I guess he thought if he couldn’t trust an anthropomorphic flute whom could he trust?

With intel provided by Freddy the plan to assassinate Pufnstuf gained momentum.

Since Pufnstuf trusted Freddy they had Freddy pretend that he wanted to bring him to a truce meeting with his arch nemesis Wilhemina W. Witchiepoo.

Absolutely Not Meg Ryan post plastic surgery

In reality the meeting was a setup.  Once H.R. arrived, Freddy the Flute shot him twice in the back of the head.

Pufnstuf’s body was brought to a local trash incineration facility and heated to over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  Pufnstuf’s militia buddies Cling and Clang, Dr. Blinky, Pop Lolly and the Hippie Ants were “disappeared” shortly thereafter. No one will say what happened to their bodies but rumor has it they were all buried in the end zone of the old Meadowlands Sports Arena in New Jersey.

As for the man who ordered the hit, George H.W. Bush was deeply affected by what he did.

“I was with him when he died” said a CIA officer.  “And his last words were ‘Pufnstuf you magnificent bastard I read your book!’  We don’t know what he meant by that but we think the book was Pufnstuf’s militia manual.”


Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview with Harry and Meghan!

We just want privacy! No really! Privacy! We wish people would leave us alone! No really!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing the John and Yoko of the British Royal Family, Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

MI: Good afternoon to the two of you.

H & M:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Many of my readers want to know how Harry and Meghan are adjusting to life in America.

H & M:  Please, call us the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

MI:  Um.  Okay.  So how are the Duke and Duchess of Sussex doing?

M:  I’m a Duchess!

H:  She’s a Duchess!

M:  That’s like more important than the Queen or something.

MI:  I somehow don’t think so.

M:  Did you know that Dutchess County, New York spells Duchess with a “t”?  They’re stupid.

H:  Incredibly stupid people.

MI:  Anyway, the two of you have a new documentary out on Netflix where you tell your side of the story.  For those who haven’t watched –

M:  Why would anyone not watch?  I’m a Duchess!

H:  She’s a Duchess!

MI:  Yes we’ve established that.  But for those who for whatever reason haven’t watched, what is the number one thing you’d like them to know about the two of you?

M:  It’s our desire for privacy and to be left alone.

H:  Yes.  Privacy and to be left alone.

M:  And we will keep on doing documentaries and interviews until enough people have seen us and agree to leave us alone!

MI:  Harry, is this true?  Do you agree with what your wife, the Duchess of Sussex has said?

H:  She speaks for me.  I’m just a ginger.  Your modern world frightens and confuses me.

MI:  Um.  Okay.

[One of Harry and Meghan’s servants brings over a glass of wine and gives it to Meghan.]

M:  How dare you!  Château le Blanc ’68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?

H:  Off with his head!

[The servant who dared serve the room temperature Château le Blanc ’68 has his head placed in a guillotine.]

Servant:  No, no.  Please I beg you! Let me live!

[His severed head rolls to Manhattan Infidel’s feet.]

MI:  You have your own guillotine?

M:  We bought it on eBay.  I’m a Duchess you know.

H:  There is much to admire in the French character.  The guillotine is their greatest achievement. That and surrendering to the Germans.

MI:  I’ve never had anyone beheaded in front of me before.  It’s rather upsetting to see.

M:  Well what would you do if one of your servants brought room temperature Château le Blanc ’68?

MI:  I don’t have any servants.

H:  No servants? Honey are all Americans such savages?

M:  Yes dear.  They are a savage, cruel and uncultured race.

H:  Why I never!

MI:  That’s about all the time we have.  Do you have any last words for my readers?

M:  We just want to be left alone.

H: Yeah, what my wife said.  Leave us alone and give us some privacy.

M:  And watch our documentary where we talk about how much we want privacy and to be left alone.

H:  Yeah, what my wife said.

M:  Shut up dear.  No one wants to hear what a ginger has to say.  

And so ended my interview with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.  And I think I speak for all Americans when I say I hope they get the privacy they so richly deserve.


Old Man Winter to Transition and Use Zhe/They/Them Personal Pronouns

Old Man Winter feels he was assigned the wrong gender at birth!












Old Man Winter announced today that he is in the process of transitioning.

“For the first time I feel alive and free” said Old Man Winter.

My entire life I’ve felt different. I’ve never fit in.  I’ve always believed that something was wrong with me. And now I know what it is. I was assigned the wrong gender at birth.  I am not a man.  I’ve always been Old Woman Winter inside.  Now I finally am in touch with my inner truth.  And my inner truth enables me!  I am strong.  I am invincible. I am a non-binary woman.  And my personal pronouns are Zhe/They/Them.  I ask people to respect my personal truth.  And if they can’t I ask that the deplorables get out of my way!

Old Man Winter then expressed his thanks to all those who supported him in the transitioning process.

I particularly want to thank the doctors who performed the transition procedure. Admittedly it wasn’t easy finding someone to do it because, you know, whenever someone gets within five feet of me they freeze. So eventually I settled on some doctors from Norway.  Hell, they are old pros when it comes to the cold.

When asked if his new gender would affect they’s official duties, Old Man Winter, who now wishes to be known as “Shelly” said there should be no difference in how zhe/they/them blows.

I have one job to do and I do it well.  I blow.  The same icy cold wind that I created when I was binary will still be there. In fact, now that I identify as a woman it should be easier for me to be ice cold and freeze people out of house and home.

When asked if zhe/they/them’s example will encourage others to transition, Shelly could only answer that zhe/they/them hopes so.

Being non-binary places me at the center of the modern civil rights movement. Really there is no difference between me and Martin Luther King.  So yeah, I hope I will be an encouragement to others.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


Mother Nature has announced that she now prefers to go by the name “Father Nature.”

“My new prosthetic penis makes me more powerful than my vagina ever did.”


Jesus’ Resurrection Deemed “Russian Disinformation” by Security Experts!

Classic Russian disinformation designed to destabilize the United States!











The Central Intelligence Agency and 50 top security experts have weighed in on the controversial “resurrection” of Jesus.

“If we are right, this is Russia trying to influence what Americans do on Sunday, and we believe strongly that Americans need to be aware of this” said one intelligence expert.

That Joe Biden got 81 million votes? Now that’s totally believable. But Jesus rising from the dead?  That’s only happened once before and Keith Richards isn’t telling how he did it.  Though I suspect it was blood doping.

Former CIA Director John Brennan was among those who claim the resurrection is disinformation.

“Do we need more evidence that Trump is colluding with the Russians?” he said.

To rise from the dead is simply impossible.  No intelligent person would believe it.  But then again Trump’s supporters are stupid and gullible. Do we really have to tell people this is false? This is clearly a Russian disinformation campaign.  I have it on good authority that the FBI has confirmed this.  I have also spoken with Keith Richards who told me his rising from the dead was a one-time thing and no one else can do it until he gives them his blood doping recipe.

James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence seconded Brennan.

This was a bald-faced attempt to influence the 2022 midterm elections. If people believed that Jesus had risen from the dead they might vote for the Republican party, which is made up largely of Christians.  Fortunately there are experts such as myself who were ready to disavow the resurrection.  If it weren’t for us the Republicans would have done much better in the midterms.  And they are a threat to our Democracy.

A reporter who tracked down Jesus in Jerusalem came back frustrated.

I asked him about the purported resurrection event and he didn’t deny it or say it was true one way or the other.  He just told me to wait for the gift from the father and ascended into the clouds. I’ve only seen that happen once before when I was interviewing Keith Richards.  They say blood doping works miracles.

From London, where he is working on the new Rolling Stones album, Keith Richards had this to say:

Who is this Jesus fellow? I’ve never seen his name on the charts. Is he a bass player? How dare he steal my act! 

Jesus has released a written statement hiding behind legalese, claiming that “only those with faith” will believe in the resurrection.

“His lawyers are obviously trying to avoid a breach of promise lawsuit” said one security expert.


A Modest Proposal (To Break Up the United States)

You can go your own way, to quote Fleetwood Mac!











Even a very brief examination of the map of Europe over the last 2,000 years shows that borders are not sacred objects.  Borders change.  Sometimes peacefully.  Most often not.  And since it is now abundantly clear that the U.S. cannot continue as it is and with the hope of avoiding an extremely ugly and violent civil war I now present my plan to break up the United States into separate parts.

  • City States

As it stands now New York, Chicago, Philadelphia and Los Angeles will always be able to outvote the rest of the United States and determine who our next president will be. Therefore I ask that these four cities form independent city-states in the Italian Renaissance model.  All other cities with populations of 100,000 or more will have the option of joining these new city-states.  Residents of these city-states will have no vote in U.S. elections. And since their Number One product seems to be violence they will also be banned from entering the rest of the United States.  Hell, put up a wall around them. Perhaps put up a sign on the wall saying “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” 

You are now entering the Independent City-State of [enter name here]

Let the city-states grown in perfect socialist-marxist harmony and leave the rest of us alone.

  • Massachusetts

Ah, Massachusetts, the birthplace of freedom and the American Revolution, now about as useless as the Yankees in the American League Championship series. I propose towing Massachusetts out into the middle of the Atlantic and sinking it.  But not before every person who has crossed our southern border since Biden became president is bused to Martha’s Vineyard. (Hey, diversity is our strength, am I right or am I right?)

  • Delaware

What is to be done with Delaware?  I know what you’re saying. “Manhattan Infidel, what is wrong with Delaware?”  Well besides gifting us with the Biden Crime Family™ and being a wholly-owned subsidiary of Philadelphia, Delaware also blocks Maryland’s view of the ocean.  Therefore sell it to the Ukraine.  They’ve lost land in their war.  Perhaps Delaware can make up for their losses.

  • California

All those nice nuclear weapons yet no place to use them.  I propose using California as a nuclear testing ground. Hey, we have to test these weapons someplace.  Why not in a state that in itself is approaching nuclear waste proportions?  By doing this we will keep our army well-trained and obliterate Hollywood.  By nuking Hollywood we obliterate their millionaire socialists.  And really, is there anything more annoying than a millionaire socialist? Hey, does Taylor Swift live in LA?  If not we’ll have to move her there before the nuking begins.  Also, before nuking let’s take Rosie O’Donnell* and Rob Reiner* and feed them to the homeless. Just think how many starving children their body fat can feed.

  • Portland and Seattle

Personally I’d nuke them but we need those weapons for California.  So instead let’s sell both cities to China.  They probably wouldn’t even notice the change in ownership.  And Antifa would fit in nicely under the new management.

  • Canada

But Manhattan Infidel, Canada isn’t even part of the United States.  True.  But they had chances to join us during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812.  Therefore I propose a trade.  We get Manitoba, Alberta and Saskatchewan.  They in turn will get California (thereby obviating the need to nuke it), Vermont and Rhode Island.  As this will be a tough sell we can also throw in Taylor Swift. Perhaps Allyssa Milano as well. (If they will take her. If not we can add her to the Ukraine deal.)  If Canada proves a tough negotiator we can give them the entire Kardashian family.

The sections of the U.S. that remain shall be restyled “The Constitutional States of America.”  Unlike the current United States of America, we shall use a document called “The Constitution” as our guide.  And our government shall be extremely limited (hello Ninth and Tenth Amendments.)

There’s the plan.  I believe it is workable and will avoid war.

*I’ve been told by my lawyer that feeding Rosie O’Donnell and Rob Reiner to the homeless will open me up to lawsuits.  Therefore instead let’s just add them to the Ukraine deal.



My Exclusive Interview with North Pole Legend Sam the Snowman!

When a man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy?








With the beginning of the holiday season what better time is it to interview none other than the North Pole’s strangely anthropomorphic snowman Sam, aka Mr. Silver and Gold.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Snowman.

SSM:  Please, call me Sam.

MI:  Okay Sam.  Tell me, what exactly is your role here in the North Pole?

SSM:  Well you could say I’m the official meeter and greeter.  Tourists come up here to see Santa or Rudolph and the first thing they see is me.  I welcome them and put them at ease by singing a few songs.

MI:  That sounds very nice.

SSM:  It is.  I like seeing the looks on the children’s faces when I greet them.

MI:  It must be very satisfying.

SSM:  It is.  But speaking of satisfying that’s not the real perk of the job.  

MI:  What would that be?

SSM:  The mothers.  I’m really into MILFs.

MI:  Um.

SSM:  And the mothers really love me. Once you have snow you never go back.

MI:  Right. Okay, well moving along – 

SSM:  They like the way my cold, snowy skin feels against their body.

MI:  Well this interview is certainly going in a direction I wasn’t expecting.

SSM:  Hey do you know Olivia Wilde?

MI:  No I’ve never met her.

SSM:  I hear she and that Harry Styles have broken up. This might be the right time for Olivia to experience first hand some snowjob action.

MI: Please.  Can we change the subject.  Is there anything else about you that you want my readers to know?

SSM:  I have herpes.

MI:  What?

SSM:  Of course the meds keep it under control but I do have flareups now and then.

MI:  How the hell did you get – no wait. Never mind.  Don’t tell me.

SSMI think I got it from Debbie Gibson.  She’s a freak in the sheets if you know what I mean.  Of course it might have been Tiffany.  She was a rough little vixen.

MI:  Can we talk about something else besides herpes and sex?

SSM:  I shot JFK.

MI: What?

SSM:  Being a North Pole meeter and greeter doesn’t pay much so occasionally I take odd jobs for the CIA.

MI:  The CIA paid you to shoot JFK?

SSM:  It’s a living.

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.  Are there any last words you have for my readers?

SSM:  Michelle Obama is a man.

MI:  Everybody already knows that.

SSM: Oh.  Okay.

And so ended my interview with Sam the Snowman. I think I need a drink.


Sonny the Cuckoo Bird Injured in Car Crash!


I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!










Sonny the Cuckoo bird, corporate spokesperson for Cocoa Puffs cereal, was injured earlier today in a rush hour car crash.

“I heard this car engine revving and then a squeal of tires.  Then I saw the crash” said an eyewitness.

My first thought was that there was no way anyone could have survived that crash.  Then the car door opened and Sonny came out holding a box of Cocoa Puffs.  I recognized him from the commercials. Then he started stuffing the cereal in his mouth while shouting “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”  I thought, “Wow, what dedication to character.” Then he started masturbating. My kids didn’t need to see that!

Another eyewitness has a similar story.

I saw someone get out of the car.  He was yelling something about his need for Cocoa Puffs.  I think.  He might have been talking about meth. He looked dazed and confused.  Another drug addict I guess. I thought it might have been Hunter Biden. Then he started masturbating. Definitely Hunter Biden. I’ve heard that certain drugs, like Cocoa Puffs or meth increase a man’s sexual desire. Anyway that’s when the policed showed up and tackled him and took him away.

Once in custody Sonny was charged with driving under the influence and lewd behavior.

“He was not compliant with the officer’s demands” said a policeman.

He was obviously strung out on some sort of drug. Meth most likely though it could have been Cocoa Puffs. I’ve heard they are similar. Anyway he kept screaming that he needed his next fix of “the sweet chocolate stuff” and he looked like he was about to get violent.  So we have to rough him up a bit. Well we beat him unconscious actually.  For his own good.  It’s tough to see your heroes act like that but it’s all part of the job.

Sonny’s troubles were only beginning however.  Once word of his arrest became public, General Mills, the maker of Cocoa Puffs, immediately fired him.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with Sonny at this difficult time” read the statement.

However we have decided to end our professional relationship. While we appreciate all that Sonny has done for us over the years we feel that in his current condition he would not be the best spokesperson for our brand.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 


Sonny the cuckoo bird, erstwhile spokesperson for Cocoa Puffs cereal, hanged himself today in his jail cell.

“A guard last saw him in alive in his cell around 2 am. He was masturbating and asking for the sweet chocolate stuff.  In the morning we discovered him hanging by his neck. I guess some people just can’t get clean and are destined to die of their addictions” said a prison official.


Popeye the Sailor Man Busted for Selling Nuclear Secrets to the Chinese!

I yam what I yam!











Navy veteran Popeye the Sailor Man has been arrested by the FBI after an exhaustive investigation into leaks of classified intelligence.

“We’ve had our eye on Popeye for some time” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

At first we thought that the mole selling secrets was someone higher up in the Navy brass.  No one thought a simple sailor with a corncob pipe could be such a diabolical double agent.  But as we investigated further it all came down to Popeye.  It turns out he’d been selling secrets to the Chinese for years. At first we couldn’t figure out how he did it. We thought that maybe he was hiding the secrets in his freakishly massive forearms.  I mean really.  They are too big.  Just look at the arm from the shoulder to the elbow.  It’s a damn string.  Then below the elbow.  Pow!  Massive. But it turns out it was really way more simple and old school than that. Popeye had been using two of his cohorts, a woman named Olive Oyl and a friend of his J. Wellington Wimpy, to help him meet with the Chinese and give them the nuclear secrets.  Popeye would use a secret message to the two telling them he had information and he’d meet them.  They in turn would relay his information to the Chinese.  As to how they knew he wanted a meeting?  Well it was genius.  The code word was “spinach.”  Popeye would text that word to both of them and they knew he had information for them.

Popeye might have continued selling secrets forever if it weren’t for a chance bust of Oyl and Wimpy.  The two were arrested for having sex on a park bench and they then agreed to give up Popeye.

Popeye was arrested while trying to meet with the duo.

He had no idea they they had given him up and he was quite surprised. Surprised but resigned.  “I yam what I yam” he kept telling our agents.

After his arrest he was taken to a Federal facility where there will be a military trial.

“Hopefully the bastard will fry” said one agent.

As for Popeye’s cohorts,  Wimpy was held for further questioning.

We know he knows more than he’s telling us.  So we are working on him to give it up.  At first we tried the stick but that didn’t yield anything.  Now we are trying the carrot. Wimpy said he’d give us what we needed if we gave him some hamburgers.  He’s been stuffing them into his mouth for hours now.  I mean, really.  How many hamburgers can the fat f*ck eat?


One big fat f*ck who loves burgers

Olive Oyl continues to deny any knowledge of wrongdoing.

“I’m just a weak, helpless female.  What do I know about nuclear secrets” said Miss Oyl.


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Midterm Election Template™

Voter suppression!!! The Republicans are suppressing voters!











With the midterms a day away and many pundits predicting a red wave, we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ present for our readers a handy template to guide you through election night.

It looks like the Democrats will suffer historic losses on Tuesday. How could this happen?

  1.  What’s the big deal?  The party in power usually loses seats in a midterm election
  2.  Those racist Republicans are suppressing the vote of the weak and helpless victims of color!
  3.  We believe our message of “Let us chop your son’s penis off” resounded with the voters but we simply didn’t express the message well enough
  4.  No seriously.  We want to cut your son’s penis off

Genital mutilation was your message?

  1. Yes.  It is a winning message
  2. I mean how many of us have looked at a high school football player and said “He’d look much better as a girl.  Perhaps he’d agree to let us chop his penis off.”
  3. And they don’t even chop it off.  Technically they spit it lengthwise and fold it upon itself, creating an artificial vagina.
  4. Granted the artificial vagina won’t be self-lubricating but there are ointments you can use for that

I’m still not quite sure this message is a winning message

  1. Trans rights are human rights!
  2. It’s like the ’60s all over again.  Then we had blacks who were segregated, lynched and denied the right to vote.  Today we have young boys who want to be women and we want to help them
  3. Of course this is a winning message. Everyone in my book club in Manhattan agrees with me
  4. You must be binary.  Wake up pal!  There are 64 known genders.  And that’s a scientific fact!

Many parents were also worried about the books their children have to read at school

  1. We understand completely.  It’s important that parents have a say with the local school board
  2. Parents represent the nuclear family and as such they must be resisted at all costs
  3. What do parents know about the secret penis-chopping, gay sex experiences of their pre-teen children?
  4. Why are we focusing on reading anyway?  Parents don’t send their kids to school to learn to read.  They send them to school to be groomed

What do you say to parents who show up at school board meetings to object to your agenda?

  1. We welcome your feedback
  2. As a deplorable it is your job to shut up and let us, the elite, guide your children into the progressive values of the 21st century
  3. You’re all a bunch of domestic terrorists!
  4. Seriously. I hope the FBI conducts a no-knock raid on your home, drags you out onto your front lawn in your underwear and arrests you!

If, as is expected, the Democrats suffer historic losses on election day, what shall The Party do?

  1. Regroup.  After all it’s just bad messaging like we said.  The public still supports us
  2. Purchase thousands more drop boxes
  3. Bring out your dead!  And have them vote Democratic!
  4. Democracy is too important to be left to whim of the voters!

And there you have it readers:  My handy template that will help you make sense of the midterm elections.  Oh, and if you are reading this FBI agents are already on their way to your house. Put on a gas mask to ward off the percussion grenades.