The FBI hates Catholics almost as much as I do!

Pope Francis today named Christopher Wray, head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as the Catholic Church’s newest cardinal.

“Everywhere I look I see danger in our buildings and meetings places” said the Pope.

There is a dangerous spirit afoot.  A spirit of extremism.  A spirit that denies elections and the truth of climate change.  They call themselves “Catholics.”  Obviously we cannot have these dangerous extremists polluting our temples.  That is why I have named Christopher Wray a Cardinal in the Church.  He has a long history of dealing with extremism caused by white supremacy.  He knows how to rout it out. And he hates Catholics almost as much as I do.

Christopher Wray then thanked the Pope for his appointment.

“I have no idea what a Cardinal does” said Wray.

But I’ve been told it has something to do with politics and arresting white supremacist extremists.  Since I am already doing that this appointment will help solidify my power and ability to fight extremism.  And Catholicism is the most vicious form of extremism.  I’d like to express my gratitude to Pope Francis for this opportunity and I promise I won’t let him down.  Together we will save the Catholic Church from Catholics.

Wray then announced a joint FBI/Church operation called “Get ’em while they kneel.”

These extremists aren’t very smart.  We know where they hang out. I have instructed agents around the United States to be on the lookout for people acting suspiciously. Already this operation has produced dramatic results.  We approach suspected extremists and say “Dominus Vobiscum.”  If they respond “Et cum spiritu tuo” we arrest them on the spot. It only pains me that we have to use due process with these lowlifes.  Well, they will get fair trials.  In another decade or so.  Until then they will rot in our prisons.

During the press conference the heroic, steely-eyed Director noticed someone wearing a scapular.

“He’s one of them!” shouted the Director.

He then fired five times, taking the extremist down.

Normally I could have taken him with one shot.  You know these extremists refuse to go easily. That’s how much they want to destabilize our society.

“God is great” exclaimed Francis.  “Inshallah, inshallah!”

Director and new Cardinal Wray also announced that he intends to ask President Biden for emergency powers to round up the extremist Catholics.

“Our country hasn’t seen a crisis like this since the dark days following Pearl Harbor.”

Cardinal Christopher Wray ended the press conference by refusing to answer questions and saying that he needed to get on an airplane back to the United States as soon as possible.

“Well crap” said the Pope. “He promised to introduce me to Kim Kardashian.”

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