Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the honor of interviewing Pluto, a dwarf planet in our solar system.
MI: Good afternoon Pluto.
Pluto: Good – hey, did you just call me a dwarf planet?
MI: Well that is your official designation according to the International Astronomical Union. They downgraded you to a dwarf planet because they feel you’re not large enough to be a planet.
Pluto: Isn’t that just like you Earthers! So chauvinistic and bigoted! It’s all about you!
MI: Jeesh. Touchy aren’t you. Still you have to admit you are pretty small. A dwarf planet.
Pluto: I’m a planet! Not like everybody says. I’m a planet and I want respect!
MI: You’re a nice little dwarf planet. You even have a heart on your surface.
MI: It’s adorable. Who’s a cute little dwarf planet?
Pluto: That’s not a heart! It’s the Tombaugh Regio. It’s a distinctive geological feature of mine! I’m not cute. I’m a badass. I’m a badass planet!
MI: Sure you are. If it makes you feel good to say that then keep on saying it.
Pluto: Dammit if you keep riding me like this I’ll leave my orbit, smash into Earth and cause massive devastation and destruction. Your quality of life will go down considerably!
MI: So you’re a socialist?
Pluto: That does it. I’m getting my daddy, Neptune.
[Neptune enters]
Neptune: What’s going on here?
Pluto: He’s being mean to me.
Neptune: Are you being mean to my son?
MI: All I said was that he was an adorable little dwarf planet.
Pluto: Make him stop!
Neptune: Hey Earther, kiss my ice giant dick!
[Neptune and Pluto leave]
MI: Well that was pleasant. Who knew planets could be that sensitive?
[Pluto from Walt Disney enters]
Walt Disney Pluto: Hey.
MI: Hey.
Walt Disney Pluto: I understand you want to interview me?
MI: No. I wanted to interview the planet Pluto.
Walt Disney Pluto: Oh. Then I guess I’ll be on my way.
MI: I guess.
[Pause]
Walt Disney Pluto: Have you seen my balls? Mickey took me to the vet last week and when I woke up they were missing. I think the rat did something.
MI: Sorry haven’t seen them.
Walt Disney Pluto: Motherf*cking rat!
[Pluto leaves]
MI: I guess the interview is over. Once again I’d like to thank my corporate sponsors who make this blog possible. What? I have no corporate sponsors? Then it’s back to the bar for me then.
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