What the hell? This is being human?

Former puppet and now fully human Pinocchio today expressed regrets about his transformation and talked about his desire to return to puppet form.

“I never asked for this” said the distressed former puppet.

I was happy as a puppet. I had no worries.  It was my creator who wished this upon me.  Then this stupid blue non-binary fairy made me human. Now I have to worry about a lot of crap I never had to before. And speaking of crap, look at my underwear.  That stuff is smelly and disgusting. The first time that came out of me I panicked and starting running around shouting “Help me I’m leaking!”  Everyone else started laughing.  “Relax man, you just crapped your pants” one guy told me. Why?  What’s the point of that bodily function.  I never had to do that when I was a puppet.

In addition to his bodily functions Pinocchio had to come to terms with his new “biologically correct” body.

What is this thing between my legs? I never had that before. I was curious so I remember walking up to this guy in a bar, taking it out and saying “What do I do with this?”  He beat me up. Though I understand that in some bars if I do that I will be very popular. It also feels good when I touch it.  I was was on this bus and I took it out and started touching it. Someone screamed and the next thing I know I was in jail. I’ll have to research what to do with it some more.  Everyone has different answers.  Someone said its purpose was so that I could be fruitful and multiply. I don’t know about multiplying.  I was never very good at math even before I became human. Another person, she called herself a “feminist” whatever that is, said it was used to oppress and enslave her entire gender. Gosh, I don’t want to oppress and enslave anybody.  So I went into the emergency room and asked them if they could remove it. Everyone seemed very helpful and they put me on some hormones that make me feel funny.

But the biggest adjustment Pinocchio had to make was the slow decay of time.

Some days I’m in a lot of pain when I get up and my ankles are swollen. I went to a doctor and he told me I had issues with my heart.  It wasn’t beating properly.  Again, this is something I never had to deal with when I was a puppet. Also my fingers are misshapen and hurt a lot.  The doctor told me it was arthritis. I asked if anything could be done.  He just shrugged and said “live with it” and that I’d have it until the day I die. Die?  What the hell is death? He told me that one day my body will give out and I will be judged.  I will get to heaven if I’ve been good or if I’ve been bad I’ll end up in hell where I’ll be tormented by demons for eternity.  Seriously? This being human sucks. I’d give it half a star out of five.

The frustrated Pinocchio then threw his hands up in the air.

“Screw it.  I’ll be at the bar.  Hey, does anyone know of a good hangover cure?”

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