Manhattan Infidel Presents My Exclusive Interview with the District Attorney for Manhattan, the Honorable Alvin Bragg

Alvin! Alvin!!







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a man much in the news lately: The District Attorney for the island of Manhattan, Alvin Bragg.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. District Attorney.

AB:  Please, call me the man who used questionable legality to bring down Donald Trump.

MI:  Okay let’s talk about that.  Many lawyers, including many liberal lawyers who are not fans of Donald Trump, say your case is weak and unconstitutional.  How do you respond to that?

AB:  I’m just a humble district attorney.  What would I know about the Constitution?  Besides there is a higher principle at stake than a document made by white slave holders.

MI:  And that would be?

AB:  Getting Donald Trump!  We must get him, indict him and put him in jail so he’s never President again.

MI:  Well even if he’s convicted he can still run.  The Constitution only says that he must be 35 years old, a citizen and born in the United States.

AB:  Again, the Constitution is a racist, slave-holding document. We have a duty to ignore it.

MI:  Okay, well – 

AB:  Besides, Donald Trump!  Show me the man and I will show you the crime! Let our enemies know that anyone who attempts to oppose the will of The Party will be mercilessly crushed and destroyed!

MI:  Isn’t that what Stalin’s Police Chief Lavrentiy Beria said? Is it wise to imitate the Soviet Union?

[Lavrentiy Beria enters] 

Alvin Bragg is a great man and the Soviet Union could use him!












LB:  Hey Alvin. Love your your work.

AB:  Thank you.  I feel the same.

LB:  Anyway, just thought I’d drop by and tell you how much I admire you.  If anyone needs me I’ll be raping teenage girls.

[Beria leaves]

AB:  You see!  There are many who support me.

MI:  Yes.  But back to your prosecution of Trump. The Constitution prevents Bills of Attainder and it seems like your pursuit of him is exactly that.

AB:  [Sighs]  Again with the Constitution. It’s a slave document my people refuse to acknowledge.  

MI:  By your people you mean blacks?

AB:  No.  I mean Democrats.

[He notices Manhattan Infidel’s lunch]

AB:  Hey is that a cheeseburger?  I haven’t eaten in 15 minutes.

[He grabs the cheeseburger and proceeds to consume it]

MI:  Okay Alvin?  Alvin? ALVIN!

[Alvin the chipmunk enters] 

Did someone mention my name?







AC:  Christmas, Christmas time is near/Time for toys and time for cheer/We’ve been good, but we can’t last/Hurry Christmas, hurry fast

MI:  Excuse me.  Will you shut up!

AC:  But don’t you want me to sing?

MI:  No I was interviewing the district attorney.  Please leave now.

AC:  Jeesh.  Touchy aren’t you.  Oh well, I’m off to the park.  There’s a nice lady there who feeds me bread.

MI:  Mr. Bragg?  Mr. District Attorney?

AB:  Shut up.  I’m eating.  God I’m so hungry I could eat a chipmunk.

[He grabs Alvin the Chipmunk and bites into him, tearing off chunks of flesh]

AC:  [Screaming]  Oh god I’m being eaten alive!  Somebody help me!

MI:  I’m out of here.

AC:  Wait, wait, help me!  You’re my only hope, human!

[Alvin Bragg eats Alvin the Chipmunk entirely]

AB:  Not bad.  Could have used siracha.

And so ended my interview* with the District Attorney for the County of New York.

*Note:  Interview may have been made up. To my friends at the FBI, this is satire and please do not arrest me.



Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>