Man Who Identifies as Woman Promotes Beverage That Identifies as Beer!

Bud Light! It’s just like beer. But it ain’t.











Marginally talented actor Dylan Mulvaney, who identifies as a birthing person, has been selected by Bud Light, which identifies as a beer, to be the new face of their ad campaign.

“We are pleased to have Dylan joining us in promoting Bud Light” said a spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch.

When we were deciding who would be the new face of our product we considered many legends in show biz. But they all told us they would rather have their eyeballs gouged out than promote our swill. It was then that we landed upon Dylan Mulvaney.  Well, not literally landed upon they/them because that would be gross.  But we thought, who better to promote our beverage than someone pretending to be something they aren’t.  This makes total sense to us.  And as titans of industry we know what we are talking about.  Have you ever drank Bud Light?  Much like Dylan, it is pretending to be something it isn’t.  In this case beer.

As for the new face of Bud Light, they profess to be delighted at the opportunity.

“Oh my god I am so excited” said Mulvaney.

Anheuser-Busch should be rightfully proud of its part in normalizing birthing people with bulges. As a birthing person who has a bulge I often felt that people were looking at me because my crotch doesn’t look like other birthing people’s crotches because mine doesn’t look like a little Barbie pocket. I would often say to myself “should I wear looser clothing or should I do a tuck?” But then Budweiser contacted me about normalizing the bulge. Birthing people can have bulges and that’s okay! And my first commercial for Bud Light celebrates the bulge.  I am in a bathtub drinking beer. 

This is what non-birthing people do!







Because I’ve heard that’s what non-birthing people do. Especially during sporting events.  They sit together in bathtubs drinking Bud Light.

Anheuser-Busch is hoping their new ad campaign will encourage more people to drink their beverage.

It would help us improve our profit margin if people actually, you know, drank it. Currently its number one usage seems to be at hospitals. Doctors often use Bud Light to sterilize their instruments. Emergency rooms also use Bud Light.  I understand they pour it over open wounds and it stops the bleeding.  Bud Light also repels spiders, rodents and Canadians. And while these uses are very important if we can get people to drink our beverage all the better.  And we think Dylan will get men to drink it. Because men listen to birthing people.  Especially if they have bulges.


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Russia has announced a new offensive against the Ukraine.

“We ran out of bombs so we are having our troops throw Bud Light at the Ukrainians. When the Bud Light hits the ground it explodes and releases its contents.  Just like mustard gas during WWI.  So far the Ukrainians have been unable to withstand the barrage” said a Russian general.


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