Henry VIII’s Profile Voted Least Popular on eharmony!

They see my codpiece and it brings all the girls to the yard!











For the third year in a row the profile of Henry VIII was voted the least popular on eharmony, beating out Dylan Mulvaney and several serial killers.

“It’s the codpiece” said one woman.

It just seems a little……overcompensating if you know what I mean.  I mean who wears a codpiece anymore? Outside of Maryland that is. Besides, it makes him look like he has a hernia.

Another woman didn’t like the entire look of his profile photo.

“It doesn’t seem too modern” she said.

The photo just says “Hi. I’m old and set in my ways.”  If he wants women to think of him as their father I guess it’s okay. I mean who even wears stockings, what looks like a dress and a frilly mink coat anymore?  Outside of Maryland that is.  No.  He’s just not my type. 

Still the reviews were not entirely negative.  One woman mentioned how much she liked his beard.

“It gives him a Justine Timberlake vibe” she said.  “Can he sing and dance?  If so he can give me a call.”

But perhaps the most unpopular part of Henry’s profile, even more than his photo, was the “likes and dislikes” section.

“I didn’t mind the photo” said a woman.

It was different than most men.  But then I read his dislikes and he said he disliked Catherine of Aragon for not giving him a male heir. Jeesh  What is this? The 1970s?  Doesn’t he know gender is a bourgeois construct.  If he really wants a male heir he could simply give his daughter gender reassignment surgery.  Besides who demands that their wife give them a male heir in the first place? Outside of Maryland that is.

Others were concerned over his hobbies.

“His likes were a deal breaker, frankly” said one.

I mean look at it! Read it for yourself.  Likes: Beheading Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard. He beheaded them! Hasn’t he ever heard of marriage counseling?  Or maybe he could do some yoga to center himself.  I have no desire to be added to the list of beheaded woman. Unless it was part of a reality show. Besides, who beheads their wives anymore? Outside of Maryland that is.

Because of this criticism rumor has it that Henry has hired a consultant to update his profile to make it more appealing.


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Henry VIII has updated his eharmony account with a snazzy new profile photo (pictured here.)

Henry VIII’s new profile photo








“This should get all the ladies” he said.  “Well, outside of Maryland that is.”


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