Dr. Zaius Named Surgeon General!

All my life I’ve awaited your coming and dreaded it!







In a move that surprised many, President Biden today accepted the resignation of current Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy and appointed Dr. Zaius of Ape City as his successor.

“I’d like to thank Dr. Murthy for his service” said Biden at the press conference announcing the move.

And I’d like to introduce Dr. Zaius, whom I believe will be a fantastic Surgeon General whose priorities are a perfect match for my administration.  Dr. Zaius comes to us from Ape City, where he was the Minister of Science.  As the Minister of Science he had the opportunity to further the bounds of knowledge of the human anatomy.  This knowledge of course will come in handy during my administration’s compassionate push for more transgender surgery.

With that Dr. Zaius took questions from the assembled reporters.

“What do you hope to accomplish as Surgeon General?” asked one reporter.

“Experimental brain surgery on humans” said Zaius.

I’m all for it.  After all man is a menace. A walking pestilence.  From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself.  Need I remind you about the Forbidden Zone?  The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago.

“By Forbidden Zone are you referring to the feces on the streets of San Francisco? Are you in fact criticizing Democratic control of inner cities” asked another reporter.

President Biden jumped in to defend his nominee in what could have been an awkward moment.

“Dr. Zaius is totally apolitical” said the President.

He was not referring to San Francisco.  If anything the Forbidden Zone refers to Florida or Texas, which are both in the hands of MAGA extremists. No, Dr. Zaius has  no intention of injecting himself into politics. He simply wants to perform experimental brain surgery on humans. And give pre-teens puberty blockers, which is something I support.

A reporter for Fox News pounced upon Dr. Zaius.

“By experimental brain surgery do you mean cutting human heads open and taking out pieces of their brain?”

Once again President Biden had to intervene.

You MAGA Republicans are all alike. You’re so anti-science. What is wrong with taking out brain parts? I’ve had my brain operated on twice and I’m doing just fine! Truinnerashuvaduprezure!

Dr. Zaius’ is expected to draw opposition from MAGA Republicans in the House but President Biden is confident he has enough votes to confirm the nomination.


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The American Medical Association released a statement in support of Dr. Zaius.

“We are the AMA are all about giving pre-teens puberty blockers. And the experimental brain surgery Dr. Zaius advocates will open up new opportunities for research.  We believe he will be an excellent Surgeon General.”



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