New Bible Translation Reveals That Jesus was Betrayed by Gas Stove!

Behold the horror!











The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) today approved a new Bible translation that will forever alter Christianity.

“Look no one was more surprised than we were” said the President of the USCCB Archbishop Timothy Broglio.

When we decided upon a new, modern translation we had no idea at first what it would entail.  We figured it was just replacing a few “Amens” with “Listen up I am about to say something important” or a few “Thou’s” with a couple “Youse guys” you know, to appeal to the young kids who are the future of the church.  But when we got the finished translation and started reading it and discovered that it was a gas stove not Judas who betrayed Our Lord well let’s just say we were gobsmacked.

The USCCB has wanted a new Bible translation for years but always ran up against the same problem:  The Vulgate, the 4th century translation of the Bible by St. Jerome was in Latin.

None of us actually read or speak Latin. I mean Latin? Really? That’s the language of dead white men. And I may be white but I’m not dead so naturally I have no interest in it.  So how were we going to translate it? Simple really. If it’s in Latin find a Latino to translate it. It was shortly after this thought came into my head that I looked out my office window and saw a Mexican who was mowing the lawn. I immediately got down on my knees and thanked god for sending me a real honest-to-goodness Latino. I had him brought to my office and handed him my copy of the Vulgate.  “You can read this can’t you? As a Latino you must be able to” I asked him. He looked confused at first but then said “Si, Si” and took the Bible with him.  I knew I had made the right decision.

Within a week the Latino lawn mower had returned with the new translation.

“That was quick” said Broglio.

We were expecting it to take months if not years. But hell, we all know Mexicans are hard workers.  I immediately read it and I must say the translation presents new opportunities for theological reflection.  If a gas stove can be responsible for climate change, which we all know is true, then a gas stove would have no problem betraying Jesus. Who knows what evil gas stoves are capable of? In the future I must ask all Catholic artists who wish to represent Judas in their work to portray him as a gas stove. And while change is always painful I believe the laity will accept the new translation with gratitude.

In keeping with the opportunity for new theological reflection the USCCB has announced an alteration to the Nicene Creed.  The phrase “For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate” will be changed to “For our sake he was killed by a gas stove that exploded.”

“These changes will make the Church relevant to young people” said Archbishop Broglio.



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