Dracula Worried About Results of His Blood Test!

What do you mean my insulin level is high?







Dracula, aka “The Lord of Death“, has announced a cessation of his blood-sucking activity until he can clear up the results of his latest blood test.

“I make my living in blood” declared the Lord of the Undead.

But lately I haven’t been feeling all that well. Hey, I may be immortal but that doesn’t mean I can’t get sick. So I went to a cardiologist. During the EKG she’s all “I can’t find a heartbeat!” and I’m all “Well, I’m dead” and she’s all “No that can’t be it. Must be your diet.”  So she asks me what I eat and I say “Blood mostly.” She then asked if it was a religious dietary thing.  It was then I noticed she was wearing a cross.  So I turned into a bat and flew away.  She was all “Wait, wait, I have a script for you for bloodwork at Quest Diagnostics!” So I flew back, picked up the script and thanked her.

Dracula then made an appointment at Quest and went for his blood work.

It was a little weird for me. Usually I’m the one taking the blood. And I don’t like needles! Anyway we’re making small talk during the blood letting and the nurse is “My you’re very pale” and I’m “Well, I’m dead” and she’s “Oh.  I thought maybe you were Irish.” So she took my blood and I thanked her. I don’t know why.  No one ever thanks me when I take their blood. So I wait for the results. And FYI do you know how difficult it was for me to create a Quest account?  I was born in the 13th century. That little thingy wheel on their website only goes back to the 1930s. But I’m digressing.  Anyway I get the results and apparently my insulin level is high. So I make another appointment with my cardiologist.

His next appointment only further confused The Count.

She said she was concerned that I had high blood pressure and asked me if my legs were swollen. I told her not to worry about my blood pressure seeing as how I’m dead. She says “No. That’s not it.  I’m still worried.” So she gives me a diuretic.  I tell her it’s not necessary and that I’m peeing just fine. So I go back a week later and she’s “I’m still worried about your blood pressure” and she doubles the dosage of my diuretic!  Doubles it! Now I’m peeing up a storm!  I was trying to suck the blood of a young lady last week and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. When I came back she had put garlic all over the room. 

Despite the difficulties the medicine is causing, Dracula has decided to keep taking it.

“She probably knows what’s best for me.  Besides, I now have a new side hustle.  I’m peeing so much that I’ve started keeping my urine stored in metal drums at my castle.  Anyone who needs urine for a blood test pays me for mine.  It’s a living and it helps pay the taxes on the castle” said The Count.


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