Johnny Appleseed Fined by EPA!

This man is a terrorist against the environment!









Johnny Appleseed, famous throughout the Midwest for his cultivation of apple orchards, was fined $2,000,000 by the Environmental Protection Agency for damaging protected wetlands.  The Agency also said that the fine will be compounded every month until Appleseed undoes the “damages done to our environment with his reckless actions.”

“Mr. Appleseed has for the past decade damaged our precious wetlands with his apple terrorism” declared the EPA.

The United States has wetlands that are the envy of the world. Large, undeveloped and now protected wetlands.  Mr. Appleseed has destroyed many of our wetlands by developing the land into apple orchards. Not only has he destroyed these once pristine lands but his planting of apple trees has damaged the environment and led to climate change. It is a scientific fact that trees lead to climate change. By covering up our wetlands and turning them into orchards Mr. Appleseed has doomed much of the Midwest to famines, droughts and extreme weather conditions caused by climate change.

The EPA is also seeking an injunction against Mr. Appleseed asking him to tear down any apple orchards he may have planted and return the land back to its original wetland state.

The world needs wetlands more than it needs apples. I mean come on.  Who really needs apples? They are a fruit and Americans do not need to eat fruit. They should be eating bugs. Eating bugs does not lead to climate change and indeed helps the environment. All Americans should forgo fruits, vegetables and meat and eat only bugs. Well not all Americans.  We at the EPA will continue to eat anything we damn well please. It’s only the non-government employees, or as we at the EPA like to call them, “serfs”, that need to eat bugs.

Mr. Appleseed for his part claims that he has helped the environment and improved the quality of life of ordinary Americans.

“Everyone likes apples, right?”  he said.

I mean come on. Who doesn’t like apples.  They’re healthy. Oh sure if you have too many you’ll get diarrhea.  But that’s a price I’m willing to pay. That’s a price most Americans are willing to pay. People love my apples. Children come from all around to pick from my orchards. Yeah, I’ve had to put porta-potty’s on the orchards because the kids were eating too many apples and well, you don’t want to be around kids when they are pushing out the lava flow, so to speak. But still I’ve made the world a better place. This action by the EPA is just outrageous!  I will not comply with their dictates!


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Johnny Appleseed is dead.  The terrorist and destroyer of wetlands was shot and killed by armed agents from the EPA, ATF, FBI, IRA and the Department of Education.

“This kind of action shows the good that our government can accomplish with a little cross-agency cooperation” said a spokesman for the EPA.

“Personally none of us wanted the Department of Education with us. They are such pussies. But their agents were anxious to kill so we let them be involved.”

Mr. Appleseed’s body was buried in an unmarked grave and covered in quicklime to lessen the chance that any MAGA extremists could use the body for antigovernmental propaganda.


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