This will now be the new normal

With the recent fall of President Biden while speaking at the Air Force Academy’s commencement, the Secret Service has instituted a new program where all agents will be taught how to fall.

“If you can’t beat them, fall with them” said the Agency’s Director.

Look our job is to keep the President safe and to maintain his public image. That’s kind of difficult when he’s always falling down. He even fell down last night while in bed. How he ever did that seeing as he was lying down at the time I don’t know but he did it. And with the President always falling down it creates a public perception of weakness. This is dangerous for the United States. And it’s dangerous for the Secret Service because it makes us look like we aren’t doing our jobs, and that might affect our funding.

Accordingly the Secret Service has instituted “Operation Fall on Your Ass”.

We are having our agents spend a few hours each day with trainers learning how to fall.  We figure that if our agents are falling down people will begin to think it’s normal and it will take the spotlight off POTUS’ falls. 

The new program, however, has met with stiff resistance within the Secret Service.

Many of our agents are former military, in good shape and very athletic. They frankly resent having to be made to look like klutzes who fall down frequently. But it’s for the good of America. And we have made it clear to the agents that they will obey orders and fall down or they will no longer have jobs.

Seeking to expand the program, agents will be also be instructed to wander around aimlessly with a dead look in their eyes, like they were confused and did not know where they were.

It’s all about making POTUS appear normal. Obviously he’s a frail old man in severe cognitive decline.  But there is no reason the world has to know that. If our agents are shuffling around looking lost and shaking hands with people who aren’t there and falling down it will make President Biden appear normal. For the sake of America we want the world to think of us as a country of bumbling, wandering people who fall down frequently.  You know just the other day I was watching ESPN and they had the English Premier League on and damn, all their players were falling down. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s what we want our agents to do!  If we can all fall down like that then America’s position in the world is secure!

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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The Secret Service has just announced that they will be hiring 100 new agents.  These new agents will all be former English soccer players.

“These guys are naturals at falling down” said a spokesman for the Agency.

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