My Exclusive Interview with Stephen Colbert

The guilt I feel at being white is enormous!

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Late Night talk show host Stephen Colbert.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Colbert.

SC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You host CBS’ Late Night show, replacing David Letterman.  Those must be big shoes to fill.

SC: Not at all. David and I have much in common.

MI: Oh?  Such as?

SC: We’re both incredibly talented, incredibly white, incredibly privileged because of our whiteness and we both hate Donald Trump.

MI: Yes you are incredibly white.  I’m not sure if I would call you incredibly talented. I’ve never found you funny.

SC: That’s good. That’s good you say that.

MI: Why?

SC: As a privileged white man it is good for me to hear the truth occasionally before reverting back into my privileged white cocoon.  I am privileged. So very, very privileged. Extremely privileged. My white privilege has gotten me my TV show. If I were black would I have a talk show?

MI: Why not?  Many blacks have had talk shows.

SC: Name one.

MI: Arsenio Hall.

SC: I said a black man.

MI: Montel Williams?

SC: A BLACK man!

MI: Steve Harvey?

SC:  An empty suit and a ‘stache.  No. I see nothing on TV but privileged white men such as myself.  White privilege. I live with it. It fills me with deep shame.

MI: You keep talking about white privilege. I’m white. I’ve never experienced any of this so-called privilege.

SC: Yes but you’re low class. Not elite and intelligent like I am.

MI:I  see. Now – 

SC: I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to divest myself of my white privilege.

[Colbert drops his pants, squats and proceeds to defecate on the floor]

MI: What the hell are you doing?

SC:  I’m divesting myself of my white privilege by squatting and shitting on the floor like black Americans do. Toilets are white privilege!

MI: That’s disgusting and I’m pretty sure blacks use toilets.

SC: But why? Are they trying to be white?

MI: No. Just clean.

[Colbert takes his cell phone and smashes it. He then proceeds to start a small fire]

MI: What the hell?

SC: Cell phones are a symptom of my extreme white privilege. I shall now communicate exclusively through smoke signals as native Americans do.

MI: I’m pretty sure Indians use cell phones.

SC: How do you know? Have you ever been to a casino? 

MI: No.

SC: Then you’re ignorant. Go to a casino before you presume to tell me what native Americans do or do not do.

[Colbert proceeds to urinate in a cup and drink the contents]

MI: What the – that’s just nasty!

SC: Access to fresh running water is white privilege. Many peoples of color have to drink their urine to survive.

MI: I don’t think that’s true.

SC:  Oh god I’m privileged!  I’m privileged! Take my privilege from me!

[Colbert runs off]

MI: Well, bye I guess. The man’s crazy.

And so ended my interview with the very privileged Stephen Colbert. To all my readers: If you find yourself suffering from any white privilege please send some my way. I’d appreciate it.

(5)

My Exclusive Interview with William Jefferson Clinton

Ariana Grande or Hillary? Tough choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the 42nd President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

MI: Good afternoon Mr President.

BC: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. It’s always a pleasure to talk to the press. You boys in the press have been very nice to me and Hillary over the years.

MI:  Let’s talk about – 

BC: I mean, here is Hillary using an unsecured server and the Chinese were reading her emails in real time and you guys did your best to cover that up. Even when Hillary lost because she was a horrible candidate and started the Russian collusion hoax you boys did your job and ran protection for her. I appreciate the way you look out for us two old Democrats.

MI:Wait. What are you saying?  You’re admitting Hillary’s emails were stolen and the Russian collusion story is a hoax? You’ve just implicated your wife in a series of felonies.

BC: Now why would I do that?  What possible motive would I have to send my beloved wife to jail and leave me alone? In my house.  All alone. To do what I want with whom I want? Why would I do that?

MI: I wouldn’t know. You’ve had a busy week. You attended two funerals. John McCain and Aretha Franklin.

BC: Yes. John McCain a true patriot and Aretha Franklin, the queen of soul.

MI: If you could tell my readers of any memories at those two funerals that stood out for you. Let’s start with McCain’s funeral. What stands out?

BC: Meghan McCain. 

More cushion for the pushin’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sure she’s a bit chunky but during her eulogy I kept thinking I want to reach out across the aisle and grab me some bipartisanship if you know what I mean.

MI: Um.

BC: More cushion for the pushin’ as the saying goes.

MI: Okay moving on. Aretha Franklin’s funeral. What stands out the most? 

BC: Ariana Grande.  

Baby! Yes!

 

 

 

 

 

Mmm mmm good

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s get it on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: I should have known better than to ask that question.

BC: Baby wow! The legs. The ass. If I had known she’d be at Aretha’s funeral I would have had Hillary kill Aretha years ago, like Hillary kills all of my enemies.

MI: Wait, there you go again. What are you saying?  Are you saying Hillary is guilty of even more felonies?

BC I never said any such thing. I’m just a simple, loving husband. Why would I want Hillary out of the picture?

[Hillary Clinton enters] 

The god of hellfire!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HC:Who the hell is this you are talking to Bill?

BC: It’s Manhattan Infidel, Hillary.

HC: Should I kill him like the others? I can snap his neck with my teeth.

MI: Wait. What are you saying? Are you admitting to a felony?

HC: I’ll be back. I have to go kill someone else.

[Hillary Clinton leaves]

MI: What the hell!  I have no choice but to go to the police now.

BC: And send Hillary away for years?  Leaving me all alone? To do what I want with who I want?

MI: Well, yes.

BC:  Ariana!  Ariana! We can get together now! Is it okay if I invite Megan McCain for a threesome?

[Bill Clinton leaves]

And so ended my interview with William Jefferson Clinton.  Great. Now I’ll have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for Hillary Clinton.

(22)

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Wolverine to Run for President!

Vote for me. I’ll slash our debt!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The powerful mutant known as Wolverine has announced that he will run for president in 2020.

“In my travels across this great land of ours I have noticed a few things” said Wolverine.

One: Citizens are concerned about the growing power of our government and how it tramples certain bedrock principles. Two: Our debt is unsustainable and we must pay it down. Three:  Patrick Stewart is crazy and scares mutants. Four: Chicks dig my claws. Well I’m glad someone likes them. Did you ever try to do crunches with these claws?  Damn if I don’t have lacerations all down the back of my neck. But I digress. I want to talk about my platform. I will reduce the size of our Federal government. I will return power to the states as our Constitution envisioned. I will stop out of control spending and reduce our deficit. I will find Patrick Stewart and kill him.  It doesn’t have to be Patrick Stewart.

The enemy of the people!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any bald man in a wheelchair will do. And finally, I will make America great again with my claws, which chicks really dig. And like I said I’m glad someone like my claws. You ever try urinating when you have claws?  I have to point and shoot and hope I make the urinal because holding it in my hands can be extremely dangerous. I don’t want to damage my member because chicks really dig my claws.  Oh, and I forgot. My  adamantium skeleton will give me steel to stand up to Putin and Russian collusion. So vote for me!

While many are calling Wolverine’s candidacy a “game-changer” he doesn’t come without baggage that political opponents will be able to use against him.

“Does Wolverine care about the rights of black people?” asked one talking head at CNN.

How do we know he won’t use his claws to attack black people? How do we know he won’t use his claws for some sort of modern high-tech lynching of black people?  Wolverine talks about slashing the debt? That’s a racist dog whistle if there ever was one. How is he going to reduce our debt? By cutting spending! That hurts black people! Black people need the Federal Government to spend money on them!

Wolverine has also yet to clarify his position on the dangers of climate change.

“Climate change is the biggest threat to our country today” said Joe Scarborough of MSNBC’s Morning Joe show.

If climate change isn’t stopped, if we don’t outlaw high-flush toilets and 100-watt light bulbs for the masses soon the ocean side manors of the elite will be under water. And I’m sure we can all agree that the needs of the many must be subsumed to the needs of the few. Wolverine must address this issue before he gets my vote.

Despite this opposition, Wolverine says he looks forward to getting his message across and highly anticipates debating his most likely opponent Elizabeth Warren.

“I will destroy her. Though I mean that in a totally not ripping her face off with my claws way. The claws chicks dig.”

(8)

My Exclusive Interview with His Eminence Cardinal Joseph Tobin of Newark

Nighty night baby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing His Eminence, Joseph Cardinal Tobin, Archbishop of Newark and successor to the apostles.

MI: Good afternoon Cardinal Tobin.

CT:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: It’s been a rough couple months for America’s Catholics, hasn’t it?

CT: Yes. We in the hierarchy have had to put up with a lot from an irrational, angry laity.

MI: Well many in the laity feel that they have been lied to and played the fool by the hierarchy, especially in the light of the scandal involving former Cardinal and now Archbishop Theodore McCarrick and his serial abuse of seminarians.

CT: I know nothing about that. I see nothing about that.

MI: Really? So you are saying that you have not heard anything about a so-called “gay subculture” in the Newark archdiocese?

CT: I am a prince of The Church. I can be believed. I have absolutely no knowledge of this “gay subculture.”  I asked everyone and nobody said they knew about it. I even asked my boyfriend if he knew about any gay subculture and he said he didn’t know. And believe me if anyone can find a gay subculture it would be him.

[Pause]

MI: I’m sorry. What? You asked your boyfriend?

[Pause]

CT: I misspoke. When I said boyfriend I really meant male prostitute.

[Pause]

MI: What the hell are you saying?

CT: I misspoke. When I said male prostitute I really meant a young male I just met on Tinder. He may or may not have been a prostitute.

[Pause]

MI: WHAT THE HELL, MAN!

CT: I misspoke. When I said young male I met on Tinder I meant the young men I keep chained in the rectory basement. We pass them along to other bishops. Sometimes we mark them with satanic symbols.

[Manhattan Infidel puts his head in his hands]

CT: But back to your original point. I have no knowledge of a gay subculture existing in the archdiocese. And neither does anyone else. No knowledge whatsoever. And I remind you I am a Prince of The Church. I can be trusted.

MI: I don’t know what to say.

CT: You don’t have to say anything. Just kiss my ring.

MI: Yeah, I’m a Catholic but I don’t kiss anyone’s ring.  Now on to my second question.

CT: Good. I’m here to answer all questions. Unless it’s about a gay subculture, which I know absolutely nothing about. And neither does my boyfriend.

[Pause]

MI: I’m going to ignore that. Anyway you recently got into some hot water – 

CT: With my boyfriend?

MI: LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION!  You recently got into some hot water when you tweeted  “Supposed to be airborne in ten minutes. Nighty-night baby. I love you.”  Who was that tweet directed towards? 

Nighty night baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

CT: My sister.

MI: Your sister?

CT: Yes. Definitely my sister. Not my boyfriend. Though when I say boyfriend I mean male prostitute. And by that I mean young male I just met on Tinder for a hookup. And by that I mean the young men I keep chained in my basement for sadomasochistic sex rituals. But again, I have no knowledge of a gay subculture in the Archdiocese of Newark.

[Manhattan Infidel’s head explodes]

CT: Was that nice? I just had these vestments washed!

You know, sometimes we are better off not knowing anything.

(14)

My Exclusive Encounter with Harambe

You shall have no other gorilla but me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My day began, as all Manhattan Infidel’s days begin, emptying the ash trays and collecting the empty bottles of whiskey to put in the recyclables, when a great flash of light appeared in my four bedroom three bedroom two bedroom one bedroom studio apartment.

Am I having an aneurysm or did one of the florescent lights suddenly kick in?

All I knew was that I felt terror at first. But then a strange sense of calm, as if I were in the presence of love. I soon became aware that I was not alone.

I looked up and behold Harambe appeared to me.

“I am Harambe, the lowland gorilla. You shall have no other gorilla but me” he said.

Instinctively I genuflected in front of him.

“Depart from me Harambe, for I am unworthy.”

Harambe beckoned me to rise and approach him.

“Do not be afraid, human” the gentle lowland gorilla said to me.

I have forgiven humans for shooting me.  I have come to ask that all humans forgive each other as I have forgiven you. For if you do not forgive each other then you shall have no mercy from Harambe. Do unto others as you would do unto yourself. You know I wish someone had told the guy at the Cincinnati zoo who shot me this.  I mean how would he like it if he were just minding his own business when a small human child falls into his enclosure and then he gets shot? For what? I wasn’t going to hurt the kid. Harambe is all about peace and love. Well except for the jackhole who shot me perhaps. I tell you if I ever meet him on the other side I’m going to rip his face off. Rip it right off. But Harambe digresses. Love one another. For as I have loved you,  you should love one another. But I must go now.

I pleaded with Harambe not to depart.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked.

“I must go” said the gentle lowland gorilla.

But actually before I go can I use your bathroom?  I mean I’ve been crapping in the woods and I think I have a rash on my ass.  Some toilet paper would help Harambe. And some witch hazel. You have any human?

I told Harambe I had both and led him to the bathroom and stood outside while he did his business. In a few minutes Harambe emerged.

“Sorry but do you have a plunger by any chance” he asked me.

Harambe has been eating a lot of bananas and they go right through me if you know what I mean. Sorry about that. But a plunger would really make Harambe love you even more than he already does.

I gave Harambe my plunger and watched as he cleaned up the toilet. When he was finished he handed me the still wet plunger.

“Thanks, mate. Oh, and can I bum a cigarette from you?”

I told the gentle lowland gorilla that I did not smoke.

“No big deal. What about a beer? Harambe could really wet his whistle before he leaves.”

I handed Harambe a beer from my fridge.

“Corona? What are you, a faggot? Don’t you have a Guinness?”

I told him I didn’t like Guinness and that’s when the gentle lowland gorilla hit me over the head with the bottle of Corona.

“Who doesn’t have any f*cking Guinness in their refrigerator.  Whatever punk. I’m out of here. Thanks for the witch hazel and remember to love one another as I have loved you.”

As Harambe left I remember saying to myself that I must follow Harambe for now I know what love is.

Of course it might have been the blood loss.

(10)

My Exclusive Interview with Robin Leach

Hello I’m Robin Leach and I’m dead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time there was a TV show. And that TV show was called “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”  It was literally the most important thing to happen in the world since D Day, the replacement of Dick York with Dick Sargent and New Coke combined.

I recently sat down with Mr. Leach to talk about his very important TV show, what he’s been doing since it went off the air and his plans for the future.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Leach.

RL: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Are you ready for champagne wishes and caviar dreams?  Because that’s what the rich and famous lifestyle is all about.

MI: No thanks. I’d rather have some pizza and beer.

RL: Um. Okay. Um.

MI: It’s been over 20 years since Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous went off the air. What have you been up to?

RL: Not much. I’m dead.

MI: Oh, I’m sorry. When did that happen?

RL: August 24th.  Died of a stroke while on vacation having champagne and caviar with the rich and famous on Cabo San Lucas.

MI: What caused the stroke?

RL: Probably all the champagne and caviar.

MI: I see. That’s got to be a tough break.

RL: Not in the least. I’ve already inked a deal for a new TV show called “Lifestyles of the Rich, Famous and Dead.”

MI: Really?

RL: Yes. There are plenty of rich and famous people here. They all want to be on my show.

MI: You’re saying there are lots of rich and famous people where you are?

RL: Millions of them!

MI:Wow. I’m confused. Didn’t Jesus say that it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God?

RL:Yes. He did say that. But what makes you think I’m at that place?

MI: Oh, you went to Hell?

RL: I’m English!

MI: Oh.

RL: Let me take you on a tour. As you can see we have many mansions of the rich, dead and famous here.

MI: What’s that one over there?  The one that’s empty.

RL: Oh that one is reserved for Keith Richards. He hasn’t shown up yet. Apparently there is a snag in the death negotiations.

MI: Snag?

RL: Yes, despite having not one, not two, not three but four Grateful Dead members here there still isn’t enough heroin in Hell to get Keith to visit.

MI: He has very high standards. What about that mansion over there? The one still being built.

RL: We are preparing that one for John McCain. He will be here soon. He has lots of admirers in Hell.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

RL: We’re preparing a mansion for you.

MI: What?  Um. I’m not rich nor famous.

RL: Yes but we have spies and you were seen singing along to Toto’s “Hold the Line.”

MI: I am a weak and sinful man.

RL: Champagne and caviar for everyone!

Hey, Hold the Line is a catchy tune!  I’m not ashamed to admit that! If loving Hold the Line is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

(5)

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John McCain Dies; Pentagon to Honor Him by Bombing Funeral

Bomb it! Don’t care why but bomb it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) died Saturday night.  The face of the military-industrial complex has said, through his family, that the best way to remember him would be to bomb his funeral.

“No doubt many of my colleagues from Capitol Hill will be there” he reportedly said shortly before dying.

This would be highly suspicious. In fact downright provocative. I can see them now, whispering to each other, planning something. As to what they would be planning I don’t know but it can’t be good. I would call upon the Pentagon to respond forcibly to this event by bombing it. Bomb it into submission!

General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, welcomed McCain’s suggestion.

“John was a good friend of the military” said the marine general.

He always gave us work. And we always stood buy him.  We were with him when he wanted to bomb Syria. We were with him when he wanted to bomb Libya. We were with him when he wanted to bomb West and Central Africa. We were with him when he wanted to bomb Iran. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb Bosnia and Kosovo. We supported him when he wanted to bomb the Ukraine. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb Russia. We were with him when he wanted to bomb North Korea. We stood by him when he wanted to bomb China. And we were with him, for the most part, when he asked to bomb other countries.

The “for the most part” probably refers to McCain’s 2004 call to “bomb the shit” out of Estonia.

“I was in a hotel room in Estonia and the porn channel was scrambled” said the frustrated Senator.

Come on. I’m John Freakin’ McCain. I didn’t spend seven years as a POW in Vietnam just so a rinky dink country like Estonia can scramble their porn when John Freakin’ McCain wants to watch some! Bomb the hell out of them. That’ll teach them a lesson.

Among the other countries McCain has called to be bombed include:

  • Ireland

Too damn rainy. Has way too many Irishmen living in it.”

  • New Zealand

“Greedy bastards. Do they really need two islands?”

  • Australia

A kangaroo punched me once. Probably a commie kangaroo.”

  • France

“Their cheese is overrated.”

  • Maryland

“Not really part of the United States.”

  • That island on Lost

Evangeline Lilly never returns my calls.”

  • Gilligan’s Island

“Gilligan knows too many State secrets.”

  • Earth

Goddammit somebody has to be bombed! Why not use a wide net?”

Despite not bombing all of McCain’s suggestions, out of respect the Pentagon has announced that they will be bombing his funeral. A pentagon spokesperson has asked all mourners to arrive early and wear flowers on their lapels asking for peace.

(22)

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Captain Kirk Admits He Misses the Alternate Universe!

Upper body strength!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Captain Kirk, recently returned from a mirror universe admitted today that, for all its faults, the mirror universe had “possibilities.”

“Sure the other universe was violent” said Kirk.

And bloodthirsty. And one moved up in rank by assassinating people. But really is that so different from our universe? What’s worse?  Killing someone to advance or spreading rumors about them to Star Fleet command? Not that I’ve even done that, mind you. Though one time I did tell Captain Christopher Pike that there was no danger of Delta radiation. Hey, he was standing in my way of a promotion. I can’t be held responsible if the idiot believed me and is now in a wheelchair. 

Whoops! My bad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But anyway back to my point. Killing people to advance just seems more honest. Way more honest. And manly. And speaking of manly I had a cool uniform in the other universe. No sleeves! That showed off my physique and massive upper body strength.  Chicks dig upper body strength. And a full head of hair but I don’t want to talk about that. So yeah, I was scoring like there was no tomorrow.

Kirk also admitted to liking the concept of a “Captain’s woman.”

So I get back to my cabin hoping to relax and what do you think I have waiting for me? A woman. 

Dedicated to servicing her captain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And not one I had to pay for or chase after but a woman dedicated to servicing all my needs. They call her “The Captain’s Woman” in that universe. It was like having a wife. Except for the servicing all my needs part. Frankly I think that’s why Spock got out of his marriage during the Ponn Farr. But any way what was I saying? Oh yes. She was dedicated to servicing all my needs. And I’m thinking “Hot diggity!” This is my chance to finally do that thing involving a fire hose and lots of lubrication. Most women balk at that. But if she really is the captain’s woman then she has no choice. So you can see this alternate universe had some definite advantages.

Kirk was tempted to stay but received pushback from the other crew members he was trapped with.

Scotty didn’t give me that much of a problem. Apparently alcoholism is the norm in that universe. But McCoy and Uhuru were such pussies. Uhuru kept telling me she hated this universe because she was expected to sleep with Sulu. Why would you sleep with a gay man I asked her? Apparently it was one of the weirder things about that place. So I agreed to go back home.

Still, Kirk didn’t return without bringing a little something back with him.

“I brought the Tantalus field with me. 

Doesn’t use Windows 10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Imagine being able to kill your enemies at the touch of a button.  I just hope the operating system isn’t Windows 10 because I don’t have time for all those updates.”

(10)

Evil Spock From Mirror Universe Shaves Goatee; Chaos Ensues

Not inherently evil but made so by his facial hair

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lieutenant Commander Spock of the evil mirror universe has shaved his goatee.

“I had a long talk with Kirk” said the formerly pure evil Spock.

Not my Kirk but the one from the good universe. He told me that my universe was illogical and cannot endure.  That got me. Bastard hit a nerve by playing the logical card on me. He knows no Vulcan can resist it. But it got me to thinking. What if he were correct? What if this violent universe were illogical and could not survive?  Perhaps a change could take place and we could become less brutal? And how would we become less brutal? That’s when I decided to shave my goatee. Because it’s my goatee that makes me evil. That’s a totally logical assessment.

Indeed after Spock became clean shaven crew members aboard the Enterprise noticed a significant drop in Spock’s evil behavior.

“Spock used to love to torture me with the agonizer” said one crewman.

I remember once I was sloppy at the controls of the transporter and Spock damn near killed me with the agonizer. The whole time I could see his goatee out of the corner of my eye.  Damn evil goatee. But yeah, I’ve been agonized so many times by Spock. But since he shaved it’s different. I screwed up again at the transporter. Normally he wouldn’t hesitate to use the agonizer on me. But this time he just put his hand on my shoulder and  said “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Don’t get me wrong. I like how he’s trying to encourage me and build up my confidence. But now that he’s not so evil I kind of have less respect for him.

Another crew member tells a similar tale.

“I tried to assassinate Captain Kirk” said Ensign Chekov.

No agony booth for me!

I was unsuccessful. Normally that would land me a round in the agony booth. At the top agony inducing level. For a long period of time. I was prepared for the agony booth when Spock intercepted me. He asked me if I was sorry for trying to assassinate Kirk. I wasn’t but hell I’ll play along. I said yeah I was. That’s when Spock put his hand on my shoulder and said “As long as you’re sorry we’ll forget it ever happened” and he let me go. I guess I should be thankful. But without the goatee he’s just weak. I’ll probably assassinate him next week. Then I’ll throw all my enemies in the agony booth. See how they like it!

Sans goatee and with the formerly pure evil Spock acting almost like middle level management evil, discipline on the Enterprise has suffered, leading to much crew grumbling.

“I should take over the ship” said Sulu.

Pure gay evil

If no one wants to be evil anymore I’ll do it. I’m evil. Very evil. How evil am I? I’m a gay man who spends most of his time trying to hook up with Uhuru. If that isn’t evil then I don’t know what evil is.

Spock acknowledges that some of the crew have had trouble adjusting to his new mild persona but says that in the long run the Enterprise will be better.

“Without that evil goatee I find I no longer want to hurt people. The crew will thank me. Or kill me. I hope it’s the former. Killing me would be logical but sometimes you just have to say ‘Logic be damned.’ “

(6)

My Exclusive Interview with John Brennan

Come to me and I shall feed you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel (I report, you never read me) I have the pleasure of interviewing former CIA director John Brennan.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Brennan.

JB: Whatever punk.

MI: Let’s get right to the point. You have made well-known your contempt for President Trump.

JB: Slimebucket.  Bastard.  C*cksucker.  He shall be consigned to the dustbin of history.

MI: And recently –

JB: Perfidious disgusting piece of crap you wipe off the bottom of your shoe.

MI: Yes, as I was – 

JB:  He doesn’t deserve to sit on the throne of the presidency. We had a good man, an educated man, a sophisticated, nuanced man who was friendly to Muslims, Barack Obama as President once. Trump isn’t fit to to hold his coattails.

MI: Anyway President Trump recently withdrew your top security clearance. Do you have any comment on that?

JB: He’s punishing me. He’s punishing me for having a low opinion of him. He’s a tyrant not seen even during the heyday of the Soviet Union.

MI: And you would know a thing or two about the Soviet Union being a former communist who voted for Gus Hall for president in the 1970s.

JB: What’s your point knuckle dragger?

MI: It’s just that some believe that you politicized and weaponized the CIA and now that you are an analyst for CNN you are leaking information to your colleagues in the press. Many feel that you deserve to have your security clearance revoked. 

JB Not true. Not true at all. I used the office of CIA director in a patriotic fashion by serving the needs of the Democratic party. That’s why I gave the Steele dossier to John McCain. I knew he would leak it.

MI: What?

JB: I didn’t say that. But my point remains. I do not feed my colleagues in the media.

[Jim Acosta enters] 

Feed me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JA: Feed me. Feed me!

[Acosta sits down. Brennan grabs some food and puts it in his mouth, chewing on it for a minute. He then stands over Acosta and opens his mouth, letting the regurgitated food fall into Acosta’s mouth. Acosta swallows it whole.]

JB: There, there. Feed from the bread of truth.

JA: Mm. Thank you John.

MI: Um. What just happened?

JB:  I was absolutely not feeding my colleagues at CNN.

MI: I see.

[Jake Tapper enters] 

Always hungry!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JT: I’m hungry!

[Brennan repeats the process and chews food then stands over Tapper and regurgitates the wet food into Tapper’s mouth. Tapper swallows it.]

JB: Take it all. Take it all.

JT: Thank you, John. See you at the CNN barbecue?

JB: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

[Tapper leaves]

MI: I suddenly feel very nauseous. I may never eat again.

JB:  But to repeat my earlier assertion. I am most definitely not feeding my colleagues in the media.

[Manhattan Infidel vomits]

That was a most unpleasant interview. Some things seen cannot be unseen.

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