Manhattan Infidel Becomes a Children’s Book Author!

So easy Manhattan Infidel™ can do it!






Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we are always challenging ourselves thinking of ways to make a cheap buck. Prostitution?  Too much pressure to perform. Building a narrative that Trump colluded with the Russians to hack the election?  No one would be stupid enough to believe it.

Then it hit me:  Children’s books! It’s easy money and anyone can write crap that allegedly teaches children life’s little lessons.

So now I present a few potential children’s books that I have started work on:

  • God Loves Everybody. Except You. You Suck

Sometimes children have to learn harsh lessons about life. Why learn it from strangers. Read this book to your kids. Know that the crying you hear behind their closed door at night is just the tears of realistic expectations.

  • Let ‘Er Rip:  The Table Saw is Your Friend!

Kids love to build things. Why shouldn’t they be curious about those sharp blades? Safety? Safety is for losers. Just stick your arm in and saw away!

  • All Cats Go to Hell!

Seriously. They do. Their soul was not made in the image and likeness of God. Once your cat dies he’s burning, man.

  • Dogs Go to Hell, Too!

Fido may be your best friend but have you seen how many times he licks himself? That’s sinful. He’ll have to pay for his autoerotic behavior. And since he’s a dog he can’t go to confession so his fate is sealed.

  • While We’re on the Subject Your Hamster is Also Going to Hell!

Why? It’s a f*cking hamster kid. God doesn’t want anything that’s been in Richard Gere’s ass.

  • Nor Will Your Father Escape the Flames of Hell!

Seriously kid. Have you seen his internet history? I mean making “Big Breasted Asian Girls” his home page alone is grounds for eternal damnation. Not that there’s anything wrong with Big Breasted Asian Girls, mind you. But resist!

  • Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will

Just remember when you’re trying to pay off that 100,000 dollar student loan: Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

  • Making Grown Up Friends on the Internet

What could possibly go wrong. You’re going to see a penis eventually so why not now?

  • Curious George and the High Voltage Fence!

Electricity does miraculous things like light our homes and power our computers. It will also fry your ass if you’re not careful. Now doesn’t the freshly cooked Curious George smell delicious? Sure he does. Take him home and eat him. Just wait until they turn off the power first.

  • Mommy Wears Negligees and Says She Likes the Fed Ex’s Man’s “Package”

Since your Dad ran off with his boyfriend your mother has been very lonely. Cut her some slack you brat.

I believe all these books will be best sellers and they will fundamentally transform children’s literature. I smell a Pulitzer. No wait. That’s just Curious George.


My Second Exclusive Interview with Alyssa Milano

I have a nice rack and that means you should believe what I say!











Regular readers reader of Manhattan Infidel will know that I recently interviewed Alyssa Milano. Well our favorite actress is back. This time she wants to discuss her new website where she hopes to hold President Trump accountable for his collusion with Russia.

MI:  Good afternoon Miss Milano.

AM: Excuse me, did you just assume my gender?

MI: Um, yes.

AM: Why did you assume I am a woman?

MI: Your rack gave it away.

AM: My breasts do not define me.

MI: Actually I googled “Alyssa Milano” and “breasts” and guess what?  They do define you.

AM: We live in a deeply misogynistic, patriarchal society. That’s why I have to use my breasts to get my message out.

MI: And that message is?

AM: Donald Trump colluded with Russia. 

MI: What evidence do you have of this?

AM:  None. But I find that if I show men my breasts they believe what I’m saying. It’s a price I’m willing to pay to get the message out about Donald Trump and his collusion with Russia. Look at my breasts and believe what I am saying is the truth.

MI:  I want to believe.

AM: Are you as angry as I am that our reps aren’t holding the Trump Administration accountable for the collusion with Russia? 

MI: I am now.

AM: And this concept of ‘collusion’ and Russia is a very obscure concept for people to really grasp, so I hope to use my breasts to raise awareness of Trump’s collusion.  Do you mind if I take my blouse off?

MI:  Of course not.

[She removes her blouse]

AM:Think of my breasts as the Constitution of the United States.

MI: I love the Constitution!

AM: Now think of Trump’s collusion with Russia damaging the Constitution.

MI: I will kill anyone who harms the Constitution!

AM: You’re getting the idea. Would you like to hold the Constitution in your hands?

MI: YES!!! YES!!!! Wow. I never realized the Constitution was so firm.

AM: Russian collusion makes the Constitution droop. And when the Constitution droops our freedoms are jeopardized.

MI: I hate Russian collusion!

AM: Would you like to take the Constitution into your mouth?

MI: I would! I would!

AM: There. Suck. Suck deeply at the teats of freedom.

MI: God bless the United States and our firm Constitution of freedom. And throw that Russian-colluding bastard Trump in jail!

AM: I like to refer to my breasts  as the 9th and 10th amendments.

MI:  Freedom!

Now I finally understand Russian collusion.  I’d like to thank Alyssa Milano’s breasts for pointing it out to me.



Spock Ordered to Take Safe Driving Course!

The desire for speed is highly logical











After a series of fender-benders, speeding tickets and run-ins with state highway patrolmen, Spock of Vulcan has been ordered to take a defensive driving course or lose his license.

“He’s a menace on the road. But then again all these Vulcans are” said a trooper.

They come here from Vulcan and use our highways as their personal amusement park. I stopped Spock because he was doing 90 in a 55 mile per hour zone. Do you know what he said to me when I gave him the ticket? He looked at me and says, cool as a cucumber, “The desire for speed is highly logical.” Then after he got the ticket he goes off speeding again. I would have gone after him but my shift was almost over.  F*cking Vulcans.

During his appearance in court Spock, accompanied by his lover Nurse Chapel and a Star Fleet lawyer maintained that the ticket was merely the result of “cultural differences” between Earth and Vulcan.

“Vulcan society prizes logic and order” said the Star Fleet officer.

But that suppression of illogical desire come with a high cost. Vulcan nature is Vulcan nature after all. Have you ever seen Vulcans trying to get out of a parking lot after a Sunday church service? Lots of middle fingers and name calling. We can only suppress illogical feelings so much. We need what you humans call a safety valve. Aggressive driving does that for us. If we weren’t driving like illogical stone cold motherf*ckers on the road we’d be Pon Farring with your daughters. And once you go Vulcan you never go back so cut us some freaking slack.

Despite Spock’s plea for understanding the judge sentenced the Vulcan to 24 hours of safe, defensive driving courses to be completed within three months or risk losing his license.

Spock was not pleased.

His first defensive driving course, “How to respond to traffic” was not a success.

In this course Spock was supposed to wait in traffic to merge. Instead after ten seconds he drove around an 80-year old woman and gave her the finger.

“F*cking old bitch is just sitting there holding everybody up” Spock told his instructor.

What the f*ck is it with old people? Sons of bitches shouldn’t even be on the road. I should have run her off the road. Let her die in a ditch. Bitch deserves it. Why f*cking drive if you’re not going to drive? It’s highly illogical.

Spock’s poor showing in this course prompted the judge to cancel the remaining classes and revoke his license.

“Well screw this. If I can’t drive I’m Pon Farring the shit out of everybody. That’s right America. Get ready for some passionate, yet highly logical, boning of your daughters” said Spock.


Yankees Beat Tampa Bay: Fear is a Powerful Motivator

“I lost the election because Steve Banyon was sucking his own c*ck” ~ Hillary Clinto

Friday night in Da Bronx









On a muggy Friday night in da Bronx the resurgent Yankees, winners of eight of their last ten took on the Tampa Bay Rays.  The Yankees started Masahiro “Don’t kill my family” Tanaka (8-9 5.09) and Tampa Bay Austin Pruitt (5-2 6.63).

Before the game I had a chance to sit down with Tanaka, our reputed ace.  He hasn’t pitched that well this season. We had a frank discussion of what is expected. It went something like this:

MI:  Mashiro you’ve sucked this season.

MT: I feel much shame. What can I do?

MI: I have nukes.  You had better pitch like an ace or Hiroshima gets bombed. Again!

MT: You cruel heartless bastard!

Masahiro took our little talk to heart as he lasted eight innings, struck out 14 and allowed only 2 hits. What can I say?  Fear is a very powerful motivator.

After Tanaka struck out the side in the top of the first the Yankees got on the board when Brett Gardner led off the bottom of the inning with a home run into the Yankee bullpen.  1-o Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the fourth Aaron Judge homered.  This home run traveled a measly 346 feet. The man must be running out of steam.  2-0 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Clint “Evil Ginger” Frazier (pictured here)

The evil ginger!

hit a three-run shot.  5-0 Yankees after five.

In the top of the seventh Tanaka gave up his only run (and second hit) when recently-acquired former Met Lucas Duda homered.  5-1 Yankees after 6 1/2

The Yankees scored one last time in the eighth when Didi Gregorious singled home Brett Gardner.  6-1 Yankees after eight.

Former and perhaps future Yankee closer who was recently acquired from the White Sox, David Robertson pitched the ninth.

Final score:  Yankees 6 Tampa Bay 1.

Notes on the game:

As stated before, our reputed ace Tanaka has pitched ineffectively this year. He has shown signs of brilliance but for the most part has failed in the clutch. Much like me when I do not take my Viagra (unsafe drop in blood pressure from taking nitrates for chest pain be damned!).

However I think our talk before the game straightened him out. In the clubhouse after the game reporters wanted to ask about his 14 strikeouts. All Tanaka wanted to know was if Hiroshima was safe.  I showed him a photo of a nuked Hiroshima from 1945 and he started crying.  I then told him that if he didn’t pitch well in his next start I’d nuke Nagasaki. And Dallas, Texas.

“But why?” Tanaka asked.  “Dallas is part of the United States.”

In baseball, as in life, one must do one’s duty no matter how painful it may appear to be.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Anthony Scaramucci said that Steve Banyon sucks his own c*ck and now I can’t get that image out of my head” didn’t fire up the crowd. I guess they just doesn’t care about politics.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “My healthcare costs keep rising and if I don’t buy Obamacare I get fined, or taxed, or whatever the hell you call it.”

You disgust me you deplorable.  Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

C.H.E. of the state that looks likes a droopy penis (aka Florida) writes, “I have dreams about Pete Best that are sexually suggestive.”

Let me guess. He leaves just when things are starting to take off.

M.P., the  Confederate spy, or perhaps double agent, formerly of Maryland but hiding out in New York so her former spy compatriots do not find her, writes, “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

Um  What? Is this code?  I guess it’s spy stuff that is above my head.

Recommended reading material:

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

My record is 5-4 this year. My next game is Tuesday August 1st against the Detroit Tigers.

Go Yankees!



My Exclusive Interview with the American Patriot Corporal Max Klinger

This gender fluid person is an American patriot!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the American patriot, Corporal Mawell Klinger.

MI: Good afternoon you gender fluid American patriot!

CMK: Corporal Maxwell Klinger at your service.

MI: Tell me about yourself.

CMK:  I’m wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother’s wedding gown.

MI: That is so beautiful and non-binary. So how many of you are in Army?

CMK: People from Toledo?

MI: I thought you were from Chicago?

CMK: No I only get my lingerie from Chicago.

MI: A good Democratic, non-binary town. No I meant how many people in the armed services that are like you?

CMK: Cross dressers?

MI: Please this is 2017. We don’t use such terms. We are “woked” now. You are gender fluid.

CMK: Gender what?

MI: Oh you poor, poor he/she. How you must have been oppressed by the closed mindset of the military. Well no more. I am proud of you. Proud of your gender struggle. Proud of your sexual ambiguity.

CMK: Hey pal watch your language. I’m all man.

MI: I see. You have been traumatized by the hetero culture of a deeply racist and misogynist America. 

CMK :What the hell? I’m just cross dressing to get a section 8. I want out of the army that’s all. 

MI: Oh. This is disappointing. I thought you were one of our brave he/shes who is transitioning to a female. You’re not going to have your penis sliced down the middle and inverted to create an artificial vagina?

CMK: Jesus dude, that’s just sick.

MI: So you’re binary?  You’re a binary, breeder male pretending to be gender fluid?

CMK: I guess so.

MI: You make me sick. You mock the struggle of the millions of gender fluid people in our armed services.  You mean to tell me you’re only pretending to be a woman? You’re not actually going to have a sex change?

CMK: I’m crazy but I’m not that crazy.

MI: Get out of my sight.  You make me sick. Sick!

CMK: Whatever.

MI: The hundreds of millions of brave, gender fluid transsexuals throughout our armed services shall prevail!

CMK: I’m out of here, dude.

MI: You make me sick you binary freak!

I apologize readers for losing my temper like that. It’s just transsexualism is the most important civil rights issue ever!  Ever!



Fissures Appear in Democrat’s LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES Constituency!

What does the LGBTQLIGIPBAESNBNCG community want?

Troubling signs of lack of unity have begun to appear in the Democratic Party’s much-coveted constituency of LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Non Binary, Non Cis Gender,Lactose Intolerant, Gluten Intolerant, Peanut Butter Allergy suffering, Esperanto Speaking) constituency with many members of the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES community beginning to argue among themselves and question common goals. Indeed some in the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES are even going so far as to ask if they should abandon the Democratic party altogether.

“As a gay, nonbinary, non cisgender peanut butter allergy person I question whether those who suffer from gluten intolerance know our struggle” said a speaker at the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES conference.

I became “woked” in college when I realized that my gluten intolerance was oppressing me. I felt pain. I could not do the things I went to college for: partying, doing drugs and sleeping with coeds. I withdrew but eventually I used my gluten intolerance as my badge of honor. Only the Democratic party and their lesbian, gay, transgender, queer, non binary and non cisgender allies welcomed me. Republicans? Those gluten eating bastards hated me. So I became a loyal Democrat. But now? Do those with peanut butter allergies really understand my struggle, which is real by the way. I call for the exclusion of those with peanut butter allergies from the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance and that we be called the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIES alliance!

The proposal to break up the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance, while controversial, was not without its supporters.  A prominent Esperanto speaker spoke next to give his support.

“Many of us in the queer Esperanto speaking community disdain peanut butter and have no use for it or those who eat it “ he said to applause.

I am queer. And I speak Esperanto. That is my identity. And while I try to be tolerant of other lifestyles I draw the line at peanut butter eaters. Allergies or no. What does peanut butter go on? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And what does a peanut butter and jelly sandwich symbolize? It symbolizes white, ciscgender hetero oppression. It symbolizes alt-right nationalism and white supremacy. And I didn’t become a queer, Esperanto-speaking Democrat just so I could support America!

It was at this point that a queer transgender peanut butter allergy sufferer got up in his seat and accused the two previous speakers of “fomenting hatred and cisgenderism” and invited all conference attendees to “spread peanut butter on my dick and suck it!”

What happened next had to be reconstructed from the available surviving security footage but apparently the invitation to “spread peanut butter and suck it” was the flash point that started a brawl.

Queers got into fistfights with transgenders. Lesbians beat up bisexuals who then beat up gays. One pre-op transgender repeatedly punched himself in the groin while shouting “My genitalia does not define me!”  H/she was then beaten by a post-op transgender enraged by h/she’s external genitalia.

When the fight was over the fissure in the Democratic Party’s alliance became a fracture.

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) appealed for calm.

“Let us remember who the real enemy is – the orange one, Donald Trump!”

He was then beaten by a member of the orange, queer, transgender, lactose intolerant alliance.


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Global Warming Causes Caveman Environmental Protection Agency to Ban Fire!

We must ban fire if we want to preserve our way of life.

With glaciers rapidly receding the Caveman Environmental Protection Agency (“CEPA“) has announced new regulations on fire, the recently discovered fuel source that has become popular.

“All we have to do is look out our caves and see the evidence” said the head of the CEPA.

Every day the glaciers retreat more and more. It’s almost at the point where we can’t be crushed by ice anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being crushed under the weight of advancing glaciers is a tradition we hold sacred. It also holds down population growth so our resources don’t become scarce. Our glaciers are disappearing and our way of life is being threatened. We see things we never have seen before like grass and flowers. Temperatures are rising. Some of us are getting sunburned. Sunburned!  What are we? Italian? We never had that problem when we had glaciers.

While there are many theories as to why the climate is changing all agree that the cavemen must in some way be responsible.

It is no coincidence that our climate started changing right after fire was discovered. Now no one is denying the many benefits of fire. It keeps us warm at night and being able to cook our meat is helping our teeth. But are these short-term benefits worth the destruction of our way of life? I say no. And every right-thinking caveman thinks the same way. 

To keep the Earth from warming and glaciers from becoming a thing of the past, fire will be strictly controlled by the CEPA.

Among the new regulations are limits on how long fire can be used and the intensity of the fire.

Cavemen who persist in using fire for more than 15 minutes will be fined. There will also be a limit on the number of sticks they can throw on their fire. We will also be encouraging our cavemen to use the planet’s resources responsibly. Cavemen who buy carbon credits will get their taxes reduced. By doing this we hope to save our rapidly warming planet.

In addition to the regulations on fire, the cult of the glacier will be encouraged by the State.

Every culture, to survive, needs a belief system. We have not been making the glacier gods happy with our conduct. From now on all cavemen shall offer cavemen sacrifices to the glaciers. We encourage our people to go out and get crushed in the ice.  If we do this the glaciers will be happy and stop retreating. The science is settled on this people!

Those who refuse to worship the State-sanctioned glacier cult shall be forced to leave Cro-magnon territory and move to less desirable neanderthal neighborhoods.

“Let’s see how long they like living there. They’ll come back begging to offer sacrifices.”



Sun Sets in West; Democrats Call for Investigation Into Possible Russian Collusion!

Putin’s handiwork!

Stunned Congressional Democrats called today for an independent prosecutor after the sun set in the west.

“This is outrageous” said Maxine Waters (D-CA).

Why is the sun setting in the west?  Four days in a row I’ve seen the sun go down in the west. This is not normal. This is not natural. The sun should be able to set wherever it damn well pleases. This is Donald Trump’s fault. He and Putin are behind it. All green of skin… 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

“I’d like to thank my colleague Maxine Waters for her frank speech on the importance of dark suede” said Adam Schiff (D-CA).

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest. Only we Democrats are brave enough to acknowledge this. There should be a Democrat now who has dark suede mowing the harvest. But a Republican is in the White House. Donald Trump stole our dark suede and now he is making the sun set in the west. We all know why he is doing this. His pal Putin wants to destabilize our dark suede that mows like a harvest by having the sun set in the west. I’m sure I don’t have to remind people that the Democrats are the party of science. And when we say the sun should not set in the west then the science is settled.

After Schiff finished speaking and the applause died down former Vice President Al Gore spoke of the dangers of dark suede in the hands of Republicans.

“Global warming is real” Gore challenged his audience.

And unless we take our dark suede that mows like a harvest and put it in a lock box where Republicans and their allies in Russia  cannot get to it sea levels will continue to rise. Our coastal cities will be destroyed. My good friend Leonardo DiCaprio has a mansion and a yacht on the coast. Do we want to endanger his lifestyle? Scientists agree with me. And dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

The independent prosecutor and well-known patriot Robert Mueller who is looking into possible Russian collusion in the 2016 election has reportedly agreed to expand his probe to include the sun setting in the west.

“Bob Mueller is a friend of mine” said MSNBC host Chris Mattthews.

And if you knew Mueller like I know Mueller you’d know that he will do anything, investigate anything, uncover anything to prove that the Russians are colluding to take away our dark suede that mows like a harvest.

Russian authorities in the Kremlin maintain that they are not responsible for the sun setting in the west.

But isn’t that what you’d expect these dark suede deniers to say?



The Big Bang: Did God Collude with Russia?

In here is evidence of Russian collusion

Special prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that his probe into Russian interference in the 2016 US presidential election has expanded and he is now looking into evidence that God colluded with Russia during the creation of the universe.

“We have asked God for his correspondence and business dealings leading up to the Big Bang” announced Muller.

Anonymous sources close to the investigation say that Mueller has asked God three questions:

  1. Was the Big Bang an attempt by Russia to influence the course of events?
  2. Does God have secret business dealings with Russia?
  3. Was there a quid pro quo? And if so, what

“God is a person of interest” stated Mueller.

God is spiritual. So are easterners. We know that Russians like to use incense, chanting and mystery in their liturgy. Could their divine liturgy be an attempt to curry favor with God? Were they returning a favor? If by answering their prayers was God colluding with Russia? No one knows at the moment. But it makes sense that we look into it.

Lawyers for God deny any collusion with Russia

“Our client God has contacts throughout the Earth” stated God’s team of lawyers.

He may have met privately with top Russian officials but this does not mean there was a special relationship. Nor does God feel it was necessary to disclose these contacts to American authorities. Frankly we feel the Americans have developed a fever of some sort and wish to blame God for a natural outcome.

On The View, co-host Joy Behar threw down the gauntlet and asked for God’s impeachment.

Everybody knows the Beatles are more popular than God. Every year the Beatles win the popular vote. Yet as I walk around this town I see so-called churches dedicated to the so-called God. This is not normal. This is not natural. There is only one way this could have happened. God cheats. Russia wants America to worship God because the worship of God makes a people weak. If only we had churches dedicated to the Beatles perhaps we’d once again be the leaders of the free world. I support Robert Mueller. God must be impeached!

Rumors are rampant that many of God’s close associates, such as Peter, James and John have met with Putin. Indeed John is said to have foretold the coming of Putin with the following passage:

Behold, he is coming amid the clouds, riding shirtless on a bear

and every eye will see him,

even those who pierced him.

All the peoples of the earth will lament him.

Yes. Amen

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the one who is shirtless riding on a bear and who was and who is to come, the almighty. shirtless killer of bears.

Until God complies with the subpoena all of God’s property in the United States will be turned over to Federal authorities.

“We’d rather not have to do this” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “But we must get to the bottom of any possible collusion.

Perhaps in retaliation God has announced a “shitload of rain” for parts of Texas.



My Exclusive Interview with King Menelaus

You can have Helen. She’s too high maintenance for me.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the King of Sparta, King Menelaus himself who through the miracle of Skype joins us from the plains of Troy.

MI: Good afternoon King Menelaus. Can you hear me?

KM: Yes I can hear and see you.

MI: How goes the war?

KM: It’s coming along fine. 

MI: How long has the war been going on?

KM: Ten years. But I predict a quick resolution. Achilles went out to meet Hector and we should be hearing back from him soon.

MI: So tell me, what brought about this war?

KM: They stole my wife.

MI: Yes. Helen. The most beautiful women in the world.

KM: Well I wouldn’t go that far. She’s okay. I thought she was hot at the time but all the constant nagging has made her less attractive to me. Plus she’s high maintenance. Very high maintenance.

MI:  I see. And when Paris abducted her and took her to Troy?

KM: Dude, to tell you the truth I was almost relieved.  Let her nag him for change.

MI: But you still went to war?

KM: A bro’s got to protect his honor. Besides everyone was watching. I couldn’t appear weak.

MI: You actually met Paris during the war and engaged in combat. How did that go?

KM: Originally I was going to kill him and claim victory but when I saw the pained look on his face I said, “Helen?” and he said “Yeah dude. What a high maintenance bitch.” We had a good laugh about that. You know, bro to bro.

MI: So you didn’t kill him?

KM: No I let him go. He’s not such a bad guy, Paris. And I do feel sorry for him having to deal with Helen.

MI: When this war ends will you be taking Helen back to Sparta with you?


KM: I suppose I should, though I don’t really know how that will work out.

MI: Meaning?

KM: Its complicated. Our relationship is bound to be strained. And then there’s the whole high maintenance bitch thing.

MI: But you do intend to go back to Sparta?

KM: Yeah. I have lots of King shit that I have to do. You know, executing those who oppose my will. Sleeping with the hot farmer’s daughters. Executing – no wait I already mentioned that.

MI: How will you be getting back?

KM: Same way I got here. By ship. I don’t anticipate any problems getting home. Odysseus said I could hitch a ride with him but something tells me that’s a bad idea. The man absolutely sucks with directions.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

KM: Hey before you go, would you like to take Helen off my hands? You know, when the war ends.

MI: Um, thanks but I don’t think so. 

KM: Why? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

MI: What about the high maintenance bitch thing?

KM: Oh, yeah. I kind of let the cat out of the bag there, didn’t I.

MI: Yes you did.

And so ended my interview with the brave, yet henpecked King of Sparta.