14 Aug 23

NASA Rocked by Scandal Involving Genie!

Will this genie mean the end of NASA?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is dealing with scandal after it was revealed that one of their officers had a genie with magical powers trapped in his house.

The officer in question, Major Anthony Nelson (pictured here)

This man cost the U.S. government billions!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

admits that he does keep a genie at his residence but that the relationship was consensual. He also says that he did not inform NASA of this because he was “afraid it would ruin his career.”

When testifying before a select committee on the scandal Nelson admitted that he has had the genie for several years but has forbidden her from using her powers to help NASA.

Congressman One:  When did you meet this so-called genie?

Major Nelson:  I had crashed onto a deserted island in the pacific and I opened her bottle.

Congressman One:  Opened her bottle? Is this a sexual reference?

Major Nelson:  No sir she has this pink bottle –

Congressman Two:  Are you sure it isn’t a sexual reference?

Major Nelson:  No sir.  It isn’t.  She just has a thing for pink.

Congressman Two:  And you keep her in your home?

Major Nelson:  Yes. For her safety.

Congressman Two:  Does she, um, sleep in your bed?

Major Nelson:  No she has this pink thing –

Congressman Three:  Is this a sexual reference?

Major Nelson:  No!

Congressman Four:  While my esteemed colleagues focus on the sexual references I’d like to talk about NASA’s budget. You mean to tell us that we have spent billions of dollars and are years behind schedule trying to get to the moon and all this time you had a genie with magical powers who could have blinked us onto the moon, given the moon a magnetosphere and an atmosphere at no cost to the American taxpayers?

[Pause]

Congressman Four:  Are you a f*cking idiot?

[Pause]

Major Nelson: The pink was a sexual reference.  She does sleep in my bed.

Congressman One:  We’d like to hear more about this pinkness.

Congressman Two:  Yes.  More.

Congressman Three:  Perhaps in a closed session?  Does the Major have any videos of the pink genie he’d like to show us?

Congressman Four:  What about the billions of dollars wasted?

The Select committee then voted for a closed door session with Major Nelson (who promised to bring his videos.)

Only one congressman (pictured here)

This congressman is having none of your shit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

refused to take part in the closed session and expressed disgust at his fellow congressman for ignoring the billions of dollars wasted.

“We wasted billions. Oh this makes me angry. Very angry indeed” he said.

***********************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

***********************************************************************************************

NASA’s administrator has announced that he has hired Major Nelson’s genie to be his personal assistant.

“Last night I had her blink me lap dance. Tonight I’m going to have her blink me a threesome. What? Yeah I suppose she can help us get to the moon, if that’s important to you.”

(37)

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7 Aug 23

Predator Admits Life on Earth Not All He Expected It To Be!

They told me Earth was glamorous!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to interview a guest to our planet who goes by the name of “Predator.”

MI:  Good afternoon Predator.

P:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Welcome to our planet.  Why did you decide on Earth?

P:  It was that Jeff Goldblum movie, you know.  Earth Girls are Easy.  I was titillated by these hairless shapely creatures and decided to vacation here. Even predators need love you know.

MI:  You mentioned that you are a predator. What does a predator do?

P:  Well we hunt things and kill them. That’s another reason I chose Earth. I hear you have this species called “hippies” and that they are easy to pick off.

MI:  That makes sense. How goes the hunting?

P:  Not good. I blame Earth food.  I originally landed in Ireland and the food there did not agree with me.  So starchy and heavy.  I ended up constipated. Did you ever try to hunt down prey when you are constipated? It’s not easy. So I moved to New York.

MI:  Did you have more success in New York?

P:  Well I’m pooping again. So yeah it’s easier.  

MI:  What changed?

P:  I met a hairless shapely creature who had a diner. She put me on a paleo diet. She also made me something called “lasagna” which was delicious. I’m pooping now three, four times a day. It’s great!

MI:  That’s good to know.  You also mentioned that you came here for your love life. How’s that going?

P:  Not good. Not good at all. Earth women are much different than in the movies.

MI: How so?

P:  They aren’t easy at all. Most seem afraid of me. I went on this one date and everything seemed fine until she screamed.

MI:  Why did she scream?

P:  To be fair I had just hunted down and killed her entire family. Or it might have been the giant log I left in her toilet.

MI:  The paleo diet?

P:  Exactly.

MI:  Back to your love life.  No success?

P: I did meet this one girl who seemed to like me.  She said I had a Jason Momoa thing going on.

[Jason Mamoa enters]

Not the Predator!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JM:  Hey Predator how are you doing?

P:  Wow.  It’s like looking in a mirror!

JM:  You said you were pooping three, four times a day?

P:  It’s the paleo diet.

JM:  Man I need that. I have to poop. I’m so backed up.  My belly is distended.

MI:  Have you tried fiber pills?

JM:  Fiber pills? Hmm. I’ll give it a shot. Thank you Manhattan Infidel!

[Jason Mamoa leaves]

MI:  Anyway that’s about all the time I have Predator.

P:  Really?  You haven’t even asked me about my spiritual beliefs.

MI:  Predators are spiritual?

P:  Nah, just messing with you man. We’re atheists. Hey can I kill you before I go?

MI:  I thought we agreed. You wouldn’t kill me in exchange for an interview.

P:  Oh yeah, I did promise that. I guess it’s off to find some hippies then. Do you know where I can find some?

MI:  Try the college campuses.

[Predator leaves]

And so ended my interview with the Predator. I’d like to thank him for his time. But mostly for not killing me.

(76)

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31 Jul 23

Canaan Grants Reparations to Joseph!

This man deserves money!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joseph, son of Jacob and Rachel, has been granted reparations by Canaan to compensate him for his time as a slave.

“We’d like to apologize to Joseph” said a spokesman for the Kingdom.

No doubt the original sin of slavery is a stain upon our Kingdom. (Unless of course you are talking about Philistine slaves.)  Also no doubt it was painful for Joseph to be sold into slavery by his brothers. I mean but really Joseph shouldn’t have been surprised.  He had ten older brothers and he was his father’s favorite. I would have sold him into slavery myself.  But needless to say we are sorry. Very very sorry.  And we know that an apology will not be enough to compensate Joseph for his pain and hurt. Hence the reparations.

The exact terms of Joseph’s reparations have not been revealed to the public but it is believed to contain the following:

  1. 1,000 mules
  2. 600 camels
  3. 100 wives

When asked how the cash-strapped Kingdom will pay for the reparations the spokesman confessed to not knowing exactly.

I supposed we’ll just raise taxes. That will pay for everything and I’m sure citizens of Israel will be eager to pay the taxes, if for no other reason than to erase the stigma of slavery. I’m confident the Kingdom will have no problem coming up with the money. If not we’ll just throw a few more Philistines on the fire to appease Yahweh.

Rumor has it that Joseph is just a test case and that the Kingdom will widen the reparation field. Already many are speculating that bald subjects will be given money for their pain and suffering.

“I know Leviticus 13:40 says that the man whose hair falls off from his head is clean but I think they deserve reparations anyway” said one Jerusalem resident.

As for Joseph he is ambivalent about his new-found largesse.

“I don’t know how to tell them that being sold into slavery was the best thing that ever happened to me” he said.

I had it pretty sweet in Egypt. I was the Pharaoh’s vizier. I was in charge of stuff. And I don’t want to say I wet my beak but I was doing pretty damn good. Much better than I would have been doing in Israel. I didn’t want to come back but my brothers guilted me into it. They kept saying “Your father is very old and frail and wants to see you.”  Stuff like that.

Despite his misgivings Joseph plans to accept the reparations given to him.

“I could definitely use the mules and camels. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the 100 wives though. Do you know how much money I’m going to have to spend buying new shoes for all of them? No seriously? How much? I may have to get a second job.”

(52)

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24 Jul 23

Scientists Discover Two Previously Unknown Genders!

Obviously these people are racists!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The worldwide scientific community was thrown into chaos when a group of researchers claimed to have found two new genders which they have labeled “male” and “female.”

“We were as surprised as everyone else” said a scientist involved with the study.

We weren’t even trying to discover anything. It all started when a colleague decided to clean out one of the closets in the lab. He pulled out an instrument and asked us what it was.  None of us knew so we looked it up. Turns out it was a microscope. None of us had ever used a microscope before. It wasn’t part of our training at the DNC headquarters.  For shits and giggles we grabbed some lab samples and looked at them under the microscope.  What we found blew our minds. We had to look it up but apparently what we found are called “chromosomes.” And they seemed to be in pairs.  One was an XX pair and the other was an XY pair.  We called the XX pair “female” and the XY pair “male.”  Naturally we were nervous about this binary discovery.  But we decided to publish our findings.

The paper, entitled “Please Don’t Cancel Us!’ was published in Scientific American and immediately aroused opposition within the scientific community. Many scientists objected to the hate-filled findings.

“They are telling us that they have discovered two binary genders” said one scientist.

And they claim that these two binary genders are the root genders.  The male has a penis and the female has a vagina.  They are telling us that the male cannot have a vagina or ovulate or give birth and that the female cannot have a penis. They claim to have discovered this by looking into a microscope and studying chromosomes. Microscopes? Chromosomes?  I’ve never heard of either of them. I get my scientific knowledge from Twitter. Any so-called scientist who denies that there are 64 genders – what?  It’s 128 now? Okay any so-called scientist that denies there are 128 genders and each gender is fluid and changeable should be drummed out of the scientific community.  These people aren’t scientists. They are witch doctors.  What?  I can’t use the phrase witch doctor anymore? It’s racist? Well then they are bad people. Can I call them bad people?

**********************************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

**********************************************************************************************************

The team of scientists whom posited a pair of binary genders have been stripped of their credentials and have had their research grants discontinued.

“How these witch doctors – what? I can’t use that phrase anymore? How these ignorant people got funding much less became scientists shows the lack of standards and accountability in the scientific community”  said one of the scientists who voted to rescind the group’s funding.

***********************************************************************************************************

More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News 

***********************************************************************************************************

President Biden has weighed in on the controversy and during a press conference declared the defunded ex-scientists “Un-American and a threat to Our Democracy.”

He then sniffed a reporter’s hair and asked the Secret Service to help stash his son Hunter’s blow.

(50)

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10 Jul 23

Breakfast Cereal Scandal: Count Chocula Not Actually Black But Self Identifies as Black!

Not black!  Not even close!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The tight-knit breakfast cereal world was rocked today by the news that Count Chocula is not in fact African-American.

“By now you’ve heard the rumors” said The Count.

And I want to get out ahead of them and tell you the truth. My truth. And my truth is that from my earliest years I have always self-identified as black.  I know that in reality I am not black. I’m actually descended from a long line of Finnish reindeer herders. And it doesn’t get any whiter than that. But in my reality I am black. I am proud to be black and I ask all my black brothers to rise up and fight the man!

For years Count Chocula has been dodged by rumors that he is not black.  Frankenberry tells a story of visiting Count Chocula at his home and finding that he was watching hockey.

“He also had a large collection of Garth Brooks CDs.  I knew this was not normal for a person of color” said Frankenberry.

During the summer of 2020, Count Chocula was curiously reluctant to join in the mostly peaceful rioting that was engulfing the nation.

Al Sharpton (pictured here),

One of the most famous civil rights icons in America!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the spiritual and temporal leader of the black race in America, relates this anecdote:

I dropped by his place and tried to convince him that as a well-known person of color it was his duty to join the mostly peaceful rioting.  Do you know what he said? These were his exact words: “I don’t know. I was going to alphabetize my ’70s action figure collection today.” I left his house and haven’t spoken to him since. I should have known he was a cracker.

While the short-term effect of his admission to being Finnish on his career is still unknown, most breakfast cereal experts say that it should not harm him in the long run.

“It’s pretty common for those in the breakfast cereal community to lie about their ethnic background” said one.

Tony the Tiger? Not a tiger. He’s actually a warthog. Lucky the Leprechaun? Not Irish at all. He’s Welsh. While technically that is still Celtic it’s not the same thing. Trix the rabbit is actually a hare. You get the idea. It’s just show biz. No big deal.  Though Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is actually a cuckoo bird. And a drug addict. I hope he gets the help he needs.

*********************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

*********************************************************************************************

Count Chocula’s wife, a former exotic dancer that he met on a film shoot, has announced that she is filing for divorce.

“I thought I married a black man. But to find out he’s actually Finnish? This is total betrayal. I wonder if Boo Berry is black?

Regrettably not black

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve always been attracted to him.  If not there’s always Quicky the Nesquick Bunny.

Rumored to be black

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I mean he looks black. If not I can always go back to stripping. I mean exotic dancing.”

No word on whether Count Chocula plans to contest the divorce.

(455)

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3 Jul 23

Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview With William Carlos Williams

Has anyone seen my red wheel barrow?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the respected and influential poet William Carlos Williams.

MI:  Good day to you, Mr. Williams.

WCW:  Good day to you Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  I must say I’m very excited to have you here. You are the first poet I’ve interviewed.

WCW:  Why thank you. I’m humbled you chose me.  No doubt you want me to talk about my award-winning work “Patterson” and the role of imagism in poetry. I’d be delighted to discuss these deep, intellectual topics and currents of thought.

MI:  Actually I just want to talk about the Red Wheel Barrow.

[William Carlos Williams sighs]

WCW:  It’s always the damn wheel barrow.  Now I know how Led Zeppelin feels whenever someone asks about Stairway to Heaven. 

MI:  I’d like to quote in full your greatest poem.

WCW:  My greatest? 

MI:  “So much depends upon/a red wheel barrow/glazed with rain water/beside the white chickens.”  What exactly did you mean by so much depends?

WCW:  Just stuff. You know.  Lots of stuff.  It all depends on that wheel barrow.

MI:  Yes I know. But what stuff?

WCW:  Stuff!  So much depends on it!  Stuff.

MI:  Could you be more specific?

WCW:  Stuff!  Everything depends on the wheel barrow!

MI:  Why?

WCW:  Because!

MI:  I’m not following you. Why does everything depend on the red wheel barrow?  You also write that it’s a red wheel barrow beside white chickens.  Does the red wheel barrow represent the native Americans and the white chickens represent Europeans encroaching on their land? 

WCW:  No!

MI:  Could the red wheel barrow represent the Iron Curtain and communism?  Are the white chickens America who will not go to war with the Russians?

WCW:  What?  No!  The red wheel barrow represents stuff.  Stuff! That’s all!  Stuff!

[Pause]

MI:  So you don’t know what it means either?

[Pause]

WCW:  Not really. To be honest I was pretty drunk when I wrote it. I was trying to impress one of the nurses at the hospital I work at.

MI: You work at a hospital?  Are you an orderly?

WCW:  I’m the head pediatrician!

MI: You work with children?

WCW:  Yes.

MI:  Ever give them hormone blockers or help them along in their transition to another gender?

WCW:  No!

MI:  And you call yourself a doctor!

WCW:  Oh my god! I just want to get back home to New Jersey.

MI: You’re from New Jersey? Do you know Bruce Springsteen or Jon Bon Jovi?

WCW:  No I don’t. What magazine did you say you worked for?

MI: I don’t work for any magazines.  I’m a blogger actually.

WCW: What?  I’m talking to a f*cking blogger?

MI: Yes but my blog is very popular. Every week three of four people read it. One last question.  Would you give a red wheel barrow puberty blockers and help it along in its transition to a new gender?

WCW:  You’re insane.

MI:  Only technically.  Well that’s about all the time we have –

WCW:  Thank god. I am out of here.

[William Carlos Williams leaves]

And so ended my interview with William Carlos Williams. Dammit I forgot to ask him if the red wheel barrow represented climate change.

(59)

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26 Jun 23

Manhattan Infidel Presents: My Exclusive Interview With Climate Change!

Power! I must have unlimited power!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I am pleased to present my exclusive interview with one of the world’s most fascinating people. I am of course referring to none other than Climate Change himself.

MI:  Good morning Climate Change.  Or should I call you Global Warming?

CC:  I answer to both.  Like Richard Starkey and Ringo Starr.  It’s the same.

MI:  Got it.  You were originally Global Warming then you were rebooted as Climate Change.  Was there any difference?

CC:  No. It was a marketing decision. My people figured that calling myself “Climate Change” would be more amenable to the red state MAGA hicks than “Global Warming.”

MI:  Who are your marketing people?

CC:  They’re very famous actually.  They are the same ones who market Bud Light.

MI:  I see.  Anyway, what do you, Climate Change, want from us?

CC:  Power!  I must have unlimited power!

MI:  Well you’re not asking for much are you?

CC:  Quiet serf!  Bow down before my climatic climate change!  I am the master of everything.  If the world is to survive all must obey me and do as they are told.

MI:  Okay I’ll bite.  What do you demand of us?

CC:  Your light bulbs. Your electrical grids. Your gas-powered cars. Your air conditioners. Your washers and dryers!  I must have them all!  Mankind must learn to do without!

MI:  Is that all?

CC:  No.  Your meat eating must stop! Meat eating is unsustainable. Eat bugs instead.

MI:  But – 

CC:  Do as I say or your village shall burn!  Burn in fire caused by Climate Change.  Your crops will fail! Your oceans shall rise!  Your water supply will dry up!  

[Pause]

MI: You’re a bit of an asshole, aren’t you?

CC:  Hey, I have a job to do. If that means I have to step on people’s toes so be it.

MI:  Even Greta Thunberg?

CC:  Jesus don’t get me started on that little shit. She’s always following me around asking for autographs.  It’s like having a groupie.

[Greta Thunberg enters]

You will not ignore me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GT:  Are you avoiding me?  I called you five times last night and you didn’t answer!

CC:  Hey Greta. Be cool girl. I told you we were just friends.

GT:  I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!  I LOVE YOU!

CC:  Kid we had fun once. It was just a fling okay? Be cool baby.

GT:  Well if I can’t have you, then no one can!

[She pulls out a gun]

CC:  Whoa.  Everyone be calm. Greta baby put the gun away.

GT: Do you still love me?

CC:  Yes of course I do. Now put the gun down. You know gun shot residue causes climate change, don’t you?

GT:  Then I’ll stab you!

[She pulls out a knife]

CC:  Psycho bitch!

[Climate Change runs away]

GT: Wait come back.  I love you!  God I love you so much!

[She runs after Climate Change.  A gunshot is heard]

CC:  Ah my groin!  Not in my area!  Not in my area!

MI:  Hey does this mean I can keep my AC, meat, lightbulbs, electric grids, gas powered cars and washers and dryers?

[No response from Climate Change except for faint moaning]

MI: Well that’s about all I guess.  I’d like to thank Climate Change for his time.

And so ended my interview with Climate Change. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to buy a big ass SUV and an air conditioner with seven million BTUs.

(44)

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19 Jun 23

President Biden Announces That All Seven Deadly Sins Will Now Be Given Their Own Month!

It’s a party and everyone is invited!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Pride month in full swing, President Biden announced today that he is issuing an executive order giving all the seven deadly sins their own month to celebrate.

“June is the month we celebrate pride” declared the President.

And that got me to thinking.  Why are the other deadly sins not celebrated?  That isn’t fair and we must do something about it. That is why I am announcing that starting in 2024 all sins will get their own month.  God bless the Queen! Trulumisphereown!

With the announcement over, President Biden shook hands with the air before walking into a wall and being led off stage by the Secret Service.  After he left assembled reporters were given a list detailing the months given to the sins.

  • Lust

Lust will be given the month of January.  During this month all those inflicted with the sin of lust are encouraged to “get handsy” with coworkers.  As to possible HR violations that this may cause President Biden showed that “getting handsy” was okay by grabbing popular actress Eva Longoria’s breasts and shoving his tongue down her throat

“If the President can get handsy, that means everyone can” said a White House spokesman he/she.  “He’s proud of lust and why not?”

The official Lust flag will be a picture of Bill Clinton.

Let me show you my cigar!

  • Gluttony

Gluttony will be given the month of March.  During the month of March all those who are feeling gluttonous are encouraged to visit their local Burger King or McDonalds. (During March all Burger King and McDonalds burgers will be free to those with an official “Glutton” card.)

The Glutton flag will be a picture of this man’s stomach.

Not Manhattan Infidel’s stomach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note:  Contrary to popular belief this is not the stomach of internationally famous unknown blogger Manhattan Infidel.

  • Greed

Greed will be given the months of July AND August, as those who suffer from greed did not think one month was enough.  During the month of Greed everyone will be encouraged to steal fries off a fat man’s plate.  Because you can never have too many fries.

The Greed flag will be a picture of Alex Rodriguez, 

Derek Jeter sucks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

who greedily took not unlimited Yankee resources with a ten-year contract.

  • Sloth

The month designated for sloth has not been determined as the person responsible for Sloth month has not done anything as of yet.  

The flag for Sloth month also has not yet been designed. Possibly because the artist tasked with creating the flag is still asleep.

  • Wrath

Wrath shall be given the month of September. During Wrath month everyone will receive a prerecorded phone call from Alec Baldwin where he will call you a “worthless pain in the ass.”  For a reasonable fee he will also visit your residence and shoot you.

The flag for Wrath month will be Alec Baldwin of course. 

Don’t make me shoot you!

  • Envy

Envy shall be given the month of October.  During Envy month all Americans are encouraged to speak ill of their neighbors. Hey, the neighbor deserved it.  How dare they have more possessions than you do!

The flag of Envy month shall be the Canadian flag, as all Canadians are secretly envious of America.  And why wouldn’t they be?  Canadian losers!

America thinks they are so great. Well we have glaciers!

**********************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

**********************************************************************

The month of Envy has been moved to January after envious people petitioned to have their month go first.

“Why should the other months get priority” said one envious person.

*********************************************************************************

More Breaking News More Breaking News More Breaking News 

*********************************************************************************

Lust month has been discontinued and folded into Pride Month.

“Pride month is already a dedication of lust so in the interest of economy we have folded it into Pride month.  I mean, who really need two months dedicated to lust?  Besides Bill Clinton that is” said a White House spokesman he/she.

(56)

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12 Jun 23

Johnny Appleseed Fined by EPA!

This man is a terrorist against the environment!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny Appleseed, famous throughout the Midwest for his cultivation of apple orchards, was fined $2,000,000 by the Environmental Protection Agency for damaging protected wetlands.  The Agency also said that the fine will be compounded every month until Appleseed undoes the “damages done to our environment with his reckless actions.”

“Mr. Appleseed has for the past decade damaged our precious wetlands with his apple terrorism” declared the EPA.

The United States has wetlands that are the envy of the world. Large, undeveloped and now protected wetlands.  Mr. Appleseed has destroyed many of our wetlands by developing the land into apple orchards. Not only has he destroyed these once pristine lands but his planting of apple trees has damaged the environment and led to climate change. It is a scientific fact that trees lead to climate change. By covering up our wetlands and turning them into orchards Mr. Appleseed has doomed much of the Midwest to famines, droughts and extreme weather conditions caused by climate change.

The EPA is also seeking an injunction against Mr. Appleseed asking him to tear down any apple orchards he may have planted and return the land back to its original wetland state.

The world needs wetlands more than it needs apples. I mean come on.  Who really needs apples? They are a fruit and Americans do not need to eat fruit. They should be eating bugs. Eating bugs does not lead to climate change and indeed helps the environment. All Americans should forgo fruits, vegetables and meat and eat only bugs. Well not all Americans.  We at the EPA will continue to eat anything we damn well please. It’s only the non-government employees, or as we at the EPA like to call them, “serfs”, that need to eat bugs.

Mr. Appleseed for his part claims that he has helped the environment and improved the quality of life of ordinary Americans.

“Everyone likes apples, right?”  he said.

I mean come on. Who doesn’t like apples.  They’re healthy. Oh sure if you have too many you’ll get diarrhea.  But that’s a price I’m willing to pay. That’s a price most Americans are willing to pay. People love my apples. Children come from all around to pick from my orchards. Yeah, I’ve had to put porta-potty’s on the orchards because the kids were eating too many apples and well, you don’t want to be around kids when they are pushing out the lava flow, so to speak. But still I’ve made the world a better place. This action by the EPA is just outrageous!  I will not comply with their dictates!

*******************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

*******************************************************************************

Johnny Appleseed is dead.  The terrorist and destroyer of wetlands was shot and killed by armed agents from the EPA, ATF, FBI, IRA and the Department of Education.

“This kind of action shows the good that our government can accomplish with a little cross-agency cooperation” said a spokesman for the EPA.

“Personally none of us wanted the Department of Education with us. They are such pussies. But their agents were anxious to kill so we let them be involved.”

Mr. Appleseed’s body was buried in an unmarked grave and covered in quicklime to lessen the chance that any MAGA extremists could use the body for antigovernmental propaganda.

(34)

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5 Jun 23

Secret Service to Practice Falling Down to Make Biden Look Normal!

This will now be the new normal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the recent fall of President Biden while speaking at the Air Force Academy’s commencement, the Secret Service has instituted a new program where all agents will be taught how to fall.

“If you can’t beat them, fall with them” said the Agency’s Director.

Look our job is to keep the President safe and to maintain his public image. That’s kind of difficult when he’s always falling down. He even fell down last night while in bed. How he ever did that seeing as he was lying down at the time I don’t know but he did it. And with the President always falling down it creates a public perception of weakness. This is dangerous for the United States. And it’s dangerous for the Secret Service because it makes us look like we aren’t doing our jobs, and that might affect our funding.

Accordingly the Secret Service has instituted “Operation Fall on Your Ass”.

We are having our agents spend a few hours each day with trainers learning how to fall.  We figure that if our agents are falling down people will begin to think it’s normal and it will take the spotlight off POTUS’ falls. 

The new program, however, has met with stiff resistance within the Secret Service.

Many of our agents are former military, in good shape and very athletic. They frankly resent having to be made to look like klutzes who fall down frequently. But it’s for the good of America. And we have made it clear to the agents that they will obey orders and fall down or they will no longer have jobs.

Seeking to expand the program, agents will be also be instructed to wander around aimlessly with a dead look in their eyes, like they were confused and did not know where they were.

It’s all about making POTUS appear normal. Obviously he’s a frail old man in severe cognitive decline.  But there is no reason the world has to know that. If our agents are shuffling around looking lost and shaking hands with people who aren’t there and falling down it will make President Biden appear normal. For the sake of America we want the world to think of us as a country of bumbling, wandering people who fall down frequently.  You know just the other day I was watching ESPN and they had the English Premier League on and damn, all their players were falling down. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s what we want our agents to do!  If we can all fall down like that then America’s position in the world is secure!

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The Secret Service has just announced that they will be hiring 100 new agents.  These new agents will all be former English soccer players.

“These guys are naturals at falling down” said a spokesman for the Agency.

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