My Exclusive Interview with John Fetterman

Fin fed mr glo ah noch nod fid






With the midterms just weeks away it is my pleasure here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ to interview none other than the Democratic Senatorial candidate from Pennsylvania John Fetterman.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Fetterman

JF:  No gleep butch modo.

MI:  Um.  Okay.  If you don’t mind may I ask – how is your health?  You recently had a stroke and many people are worried that you are still suffering the after effects of this stroke.  Specifically critics are saying that you have trouble understanding words and engaging in conversation.  How do you respond?

JF:  My bologna has a first name.  Gloop!

MI:  Well I kind of understood that. So you are saying that there are no ill effects from your stroke and you are ready to serve the citizens of Pennsylvania?

JF:  Trenzalore!

MI:  Trenz – what?  Isn’t that where the 11th Doctor Who died and his Tardis was transformed into a tomb?  What has this to do with the needs of the citizens of Pennsylvania?

JF:  Nippy nop noopy dippy dop doopy la la la la lo.

MI:  If you don’t mind me saying so I do believe we are right now witnessing the effects of your stroke.  You seem impaired.

[Joe Biden enters] 

You know…….the thing!

MI:  Ladies and gentleman it’s President Biden.  Pleased to meet you President Biden.  What brings you here?

PJB You know……the thing.

MI:  The what?  Are you referring to the classic sci fi movie? And if so which one? The original or the Kurt Russell one?

PJB:  If you hold near and dear to you that you uh um like to be able to um.

MI:  Okay.

PJB:  Anyway.  We’re ready to get a lot done.  Where am I?

MI:  You’re here.  Talking to Manhattan Infidel.

PJB:  Merfin and Ruthers!

MI:  I……I don’t know what that means.

PJBI’ll lead an effective strategy to mobilize trunalimunumaprzure.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

[President Biden wanders off, shaking hands with the air.]

MI:  Mr. President.  Mr. President.  Please.  I’m over here.

[Biden leaves the room, still shaking hands with people who aren’t there.]

MI: Well that was unusual.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

MI: Oh shut up.

[Nancy Pelosi enters] 

I like wine!

NP:  Joe Biden, is committed to ending, to crushing the virus. And having a bill that… America’s initiative, built back better… A vaccine, answer to our prayers!

MI:  What?

NP:  New layers of beurocracy to high speed broadband. Do you have any wine I can drink?

MI:  No.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

MI:  Shut up!  For god’s sake just shut the hell up. All of you.  That does it. I’m out of here.

JF:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

NP:  Trunalimunumaprzure!

And so ended my interview with, oh the hell with it. If anyone needs me I’ll be down at Fitzgerald’s having a pint.  Or ten.



People Magazine Names Smeagol Sexiest Hobbit Alive!

He’s a sexy, bad boy!







In a move that surprised many, People Magazine has named Smeagol “The Sexiest Hobbit Alive!”

“There were of course many candidates for the honor” said People’s editor.

But when we narrowed it down it all came back to Smeagol.  We felt Smeagol had a smoldering sexuality to him that women find irresistible. It must be those sad, expressive eyes.  You just want to hold him.  And then of course take a shower because he smells like raw fish.

When asked why Smeagol beat out the favorites Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry, People magazine had this to say:

The others were all too good. They were trying to save the world. They were trying to do the right thing and follow their calling. And that’s just so vanilla. What woman wants a man who does the right thing, provides for her, pays the bills and always come home?  That may have been okay for our parents’ generation but it’s frankly rather boring for us. That’s why Smeagol is so different.  He doesn’t want to save the world. He only wants to eat raw fish and get his precious back. That is so romantic!  Plus there’s an element of danger to him, which is very attractive. When our staff discovered that he killed his cousin we all wanted to be his pen pals.

“We talked to a woman who went on a date with him” added People Magazine.

She said she’s never felt more in danger in her life and that it was such a turn on.  He was rude to the waiters, had a sharp temper and when they brought him cooked fish he went postal and threw it back at them. “I must have raw fishes” he kept screaming. 

Fish should be eaten raw!








So they brought out a raw fish, still alive and wiggling.  Smeagol killed it by smashing it repeatedly on the table. His date said that while she normally doesn’t like sushi such a masculine display of power turned her on to no end!

Indeed when the Sexiest Hobbit Alive issue hit the newsstands, women were lined around the block to buy a copy.

“I’ve always found Smeagol so sexy” said one woman whose comments were typical of the many woman interviewed.

Frodo was boring and Sam was fat. But Smeagol jumped right out at you!  That bad boy can smash a fish on my table anytime.  Hell, he can smash the fish all over my body if he wants. He’s a freak and you know what?  So am I.

When asked to comment on People Magazine naming him the sexiest hobbit,  Smeagol said that he didn’t understand the award and that the editors of People Magazine were “Stupid, fat hobbitses”


Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Horoscope! (The Backyard Edition)








Because I am a well-read intellectual I read a lot of comic books that can mean only one thing:  I base all my decisions on what my horoscope says.  So for my many readers I now present your horoscope courtesy of the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.™

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

No matter how tough your current challenges may be you can and you will find ways to deal with them quickly and effectively. With so much cosmic activity working in your favor now the word “failure” simply does not exist in your vocabulary.  However the phrase “Life without parole” definitely is in your vocabulary. (When I said deal with problems quickly and effectively I didn’t mean burying her in your backyard! Come on!  Show some imagination.  Bury her in the neighbor’s backyard.)

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

A work colleague will act in a ridiculously selfish manner today but you are advised not to get angry about it. Instead hack into their email and send out dick photos to everyone in the company under his name. Serves him right for being a dick to you. And when you are finished go home, dig up the body in your backyard and put it in his backyard.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Someone who has huge experience of life will offer you some good advice today and if you are smart you will listen and learn. That advice will be:  Don’t bury the body in your backyard.  If possible put it in a barrel and dump it offshore. Then send out some dick pics to distract people and throw them off your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The more challenging a situation may be the more you will enjoy being put to the test. Oh who am I kidding. You’ll fold like a cheap suit. Then you will go home and cry.  Probably because the neighbor dug up your wife when burying his in your backyard.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You have to recognize that some people will oppose your suggestions no matter how good they may be. Hey look, personally I think burying the body in the neighbor’s yard is good advice.  But as usual no none will listen to you because you’re a Gemini and no one likes Geminis.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)

You could find yourself mixing with some strange people over the next 24 hours but that’s okay because they are burying bodies as well. The good news is you will learn from each other, and have some laughs as well. Who knew homicide was such a bonding ritual!

Leo (July 21-August 22)

Take extra care when dealing with physical property today because dragging a tarp with a body inside of it will only raise the neighbors’ suspicions.  Neighbors!  So nosy!  They won’t hesitate to call the cops if they get the chance – so don’t give them that chance. Bury them in someone’s backyard.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It’s pointless trying to force people to do things for you today,  You’ll just have to bury that body yourself. Besides even if they help you they will make such a poor job of it that in the end you will wish you had done it yourself. No one ever comes close to your standards in body disposal.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Think only of the future today. Stop worrying about the one you are leaving behind.  Unless of course one of the nosy neighbors has witnessed you clumsily disposing of a body in a local trash compactor.  In that case definitely worry about the one you are leaving behind.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

You may be super sure of yourself and what you can do but don’t expect other people to take your word for it.  And why are you telling everyone you have bodies in your backyard?  I mean come on.  That’s just bragging.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

You can be somewhat impulsive at times, which explains your high kill rate.  Remember:  There must be a business reason to kill someone. Unless of course they are a Capricorn in which case by all means just kill them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

If you weren’t so goddamned slow you might have been able to avoid that Sagittarius with murder in his eyes.  But now it’s too late. You’re stuck in a tarp and he’s burying you in his backyard. Way to go slow ass!


Air Force Academy Introduces New Inclusive Language

Gender is a bourgeois construct








In an effort to modernize, the United States Air Force Academy has announced that going forward cadets are to use their new guide to inclusive language.

“We feel that the most dangerous weapon is language” said a spokesman for the Academy.

Oh sure we have nuclear weapons.  Sure we can bomb the crap out of  you.  But the pain of losing limbs and having your house destroyed is only temporary.  The real, lifelong pain is the pain of being misgendered.  I myself was misgendered once.  It was so painful I had to console myself by sexually harassing someone of a lower rank. They couldn’t complain though.  I used the correct pronouns when I threatened to end its career if they/it didn’t sleep with me.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have obtained a copy of the Academy’s new guide to inclusive language for its cadets which we now publish for our readers reader FBI Agents who have this blog under surveillance.

  • I want to write my parents.  What should I call them?

Anything but “mom and dad.”  These terms are fraught with white nationalism.  Instead we suggest such phrases as “they without a penis” and “sperm donor.”

  • But I see nothing wrong with calling my father “dad.”

You must be from a Red State. Never use the phrase dad.  It is insensitive to all our black cadets who of course have never met their fathers. If you must be binary use the phrase “caregiver” or “guardian.”

  • I have a girlfriend – 

Let me stop you right there.  Are you trying to get expelled?  Have you learned nothing about the hurt binary language causes?  Do not refer to it as your “girlfriend.”  Instead use the phrase “They who lies motionless beneath me while I engage in an act of heterosexual coitus.”

  • But sometimes she likes to get on top!

No doubt they/it is trying to release their pent-up pain over patriarchal domination.

  • No I think she just enjoys it.

Do you have they/its number? I wish to investigate this thoroughly.  For the record.

  • I have sworn to fight all our enemies foreign and domestic.  I haven’t forgotten about 9/11.  I will bomb any middle eastern terrorist!

Whoa!  Whoa!  Hold on.  First off 9/11 was a man-caused disaster, not an act of terror.  And the only terrorists in the middle east are the blood-sucking Jews.  You will not have to fight our Muslim allies.  Islam is the religion of peace, you know.

  • So I’ve heard. I guess I won’t be fighting Muslims then.

No.  The only terrorists are white men. I suggest bombing a school board meeting. It is a good thing to kill the white male terrorists who oppose Critical Race Theory.

  • When I’m over the target and the bombs are dropping can I still say “Bombs away”?

No.  We suggest first a prayer to Allah and then saying “Sorry for my systemic racism.”

  • Is it true that the Air Force will be redesigning its bombs?

Yes.  We have noticed that our bombs look similar to a penis. 

No more patriarchal bombs!












This is of course patriarchal and in the future all our bombs shall be shaped like vaginas.

  • Will the new vagina-shaped bombs be aerodynamic?

What are we? Pilots?  How the hell should we know.  The Air Force Academy has more important things to worry about than aerodynamic principles.

It is hoped that the Academy’s guide to inclusive language will help future Air Force officers transition to a modern fighting force.


My Exclusive Interview* with James Taylor

Hire me to sing at your political event!








Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ it is my pleasure to interview* none other than legendary singer/songwriter James Taylor.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Taylor.

JT:  Please, call me Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

MI:  Um.  Okay Carly Simon’s ex-husband.

JT:  I’ve seen her naked.

MI:  Yes, well anyway you were in the news recently when you performed “Fire and Rain”, a song about suicide, at the White House as President Biden touted his economic policies.  The same time you were doing this the Dow was tanking over 1000 points.

JT:  Your point being?

MI:  It’s just that many people have found that juxtaposition ironic. Do you have any comment on it?

JT:  I’ve seen Carly Simon naked.

MI:  Yes you already mentioned that.

JT:  No seriously.  I have pictures.  Contact my management for price and availability.

MI:  I’ll pass.

JT:  Speaking of price and availability I had so much fun singing at the White House that I’d like to announce that I am now available to sing at birthday parties.

MI:  Okay that’s interesting.  Why exactly?

JT:  I feel that celebrities are so distant from their fans nowadays and I want to bridge that gap and become more a singer/songwriter of the people.

MI:  Really?

JT:  Okay, I have two ex-wives that I have to pay alimony to and I haven’t had a hit in 50 years.

MI:  That makes sense.

JT:  Listen, will you give me money for this interview?  All I need is 20 bucks.  That’ll pay for a MetroCard.

[Manhattan Infidel hands James Taylor twenty dollars.]

MI:  So what’s it like doing birthday parties.

JT:  Oh it’s fantastic.  I love the atmosphere at birthday parties and the joy I can bring to a crowd.

MI:  As a performer that must be very satisfying.

JT:  It is.  I also get to talk about politics.  Politics and singing.  It’s what I do best.

MI:  Do the people that hire you mind you bringing politics into the mix?

JT:  They don’t mind at all.  In fact they appreciate it.  Well, except the last party I went to.  It was some kid’s fifth birthday party.  I started singing “Fire and Rain” and the father was all “Jesus he’s singing that suicide song again!” And then when I finished the song I asked the kids if they’ve begun transitioning yet.

MI:  Transitioning?

JT:  The kids were confused at first.  But then I told them that there was no need to be binary when it comes to gender.  I said they can change their gender and that it was easy.  All the doctor does is cut their penis down the middle and fold it back to create an artificial vagina.

MI:  How did the kids react to that?

JT:  They all started crying.  Some threw up.  That’s when the father kicked me out.  He must be a Republican.

MI:  I see

JT:  Thank god he paid me my twenty dollars beforehand.

MI:  Yes very fortunate.

JT:  Hey can I perform at your birthday party?

MI:  No I’ve already hired someone.

JT:  Who?

MI:  Carly Simon.

JT: Son of a bitch!

And so ended my interview* with James Taylor.

*Note: My lawyer has informed me that I have to tell people that said interview may never have happened.



Batman Banned From Using Gas-Powered Batmobile Within Gotham City Limits!

Batman’s gas-powered Earth-destroying Batmobile!







The Gotham City Council has announced that Batman would henceforth be banned from using his Batmobile in Gotham.

“While we appreciate all Batman does to keep our city safe we are in a climate crisis”  said the Council President.

The so-called “Batmobile” is an Earth-destroying gas-guzzling vehicle. Sea levels are rising and if we do not tackle the climate crisis soon we shall all be underwater. Granted Gotham is nowhere near the ocean but we do have a lake in our park. The same principle applies. If the lake levels rise even a couple feet Gotham’s historic downtown business district will be underwater.  And that includes the Starbucks! And we remind Batman that we have asked him many times in the past to consider switching to an electric Batmobile. So this banishment is on him.

When informed of the Council’s edict, Batman defended his use of a gas-powered crime-fighting car.

“An electric Batmobile?  Are these idiots serious?” said the caped crusader.

Look, Robin and I care about the environment as much as the next crimefighter.  And I’ve looked into an electric vehicle.  It’s just not practical.  Electric cars cost too much and I’m trying to keep down expenses. You can’t exactly claim crime fighting deductions on your W2.  And don’t get me started on charging it.  It takes a couple hours you know. One time several people were murdered while I was at the charging station waiting for the damn thing to charge up. And to top it off my card was declined.  How can my card be declined?  I’m Batman!

Despite Batman’s pleas the City Council remained unmoved and would not rescind their banning of the Batmobile.

“Batman can use one of our new clean-energy hybrid buses” said a Council member.

Told that he may have to use a bus, Batman became livid.

A bus?  Are they kidding me?  First off you have to wait around in all kinds of weather for the damn thing to show up. And once you’re on the bus you have to fight some old broad for the last seat. It’s just bad for my image to be seen getting into it with someone’s grandmother.  Even if she deserves it.

Declining the use of a bus and with the Batmobile banned, Batman has announced that henceforth he and Robin will be running to all crime scenes.

Goddamn City Council!







“It’s not the end of the world” said Robin.

In fact, Batman and myself have never been in better shape. We’re thinking of entering the Gotham City marathon.  That is unless the downtown business district is underwater.  From all the climate change.

Batman also praised the new running regimen.

My body is lithe and toned. I’d like to see Catwoman turn me down now!”


Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to Surviving the Winter Carbon Free and Net Zero

You have disappointed me with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter!







With the war in the Ukraine raging on and the supply of Russian oil dramatically reduced, the world may have the honor of finally stopping global warming and achieving a carbon-free net-zero energy existence.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ want to do our part to achieve this great event.  Accordingly we have prepared a question and answer post that we hope will help our many readers to usher in this glorious age.

  • I keep reading about carbon-free and net-zero and the World Economic Forum makes it sound very enticing.  What does this entail exactly?

A carbon-free and net-zero existence, which your lords and masters at the World Economic Forum wish to bring into existence is a system where people like you, which for purposes of this article we shall call “serf” are tied to the land using compost toilets, candles and no indoor heating. We in the elite shall continue to fly around the globe in private jets to warn the serfs that sea levels will rise if they continue to use carbon irresponsibly.

  • Wait.  What?  No indoor heating?  Winter’s coming up and it can get pretty cold. My aged parents live with me.  We all need indoor heating to survive.

You ignorant serf.  You have disappointed all of us with your bourgeois attachment to heat in winter.  You don’t need heat.  Look at this girl’s face.

Do you want this girl to cry?








See her pain.  Do you want to make Greta Thunberg cry?  What kind of man are you?

  • But my parents! I can survive without heat but they are infirm.  They will die without heat.

Humans are pollutants.  They desecrate Mother Earth.  Your parents have to make room for the young and healthy.  That’s the rule of Mother Nature.

  • That’s so cruel. I love my parents!

What is more important to you?  A selfish attachment to the people who by an act of fornication brought you into this world, or Greta Thunberg and those of us at the World Economic Forum?

  • My parents!

You disgust me!








You don’t need indoor heating.  Just chop down some trees, set them on fire and warm yourselves that way.

  • But won’t chopping down our forests lead to more global warming?

Probably.  That’s why you need us at the World Economic Forum to fly around the globe in our private jets to warn serfs like you about using too much carbon.

  • I don’t buy your argument!

You won’t need to buy anything in the new world order. You shall own nothing and be happy.

  • And what about you?

We shall have our private planes.  It’s necessary to spread the word of a carbon-neutral existence.

  • But what about – 

Is that a sandwich you are eating?

  • Yes I am hungry.

A sandwich? What’s wrong with eating bugs?









You don’t need processed foods.  They lead to global warming.  The Earth’s dirt  contains many nutritious bugs.  Eat bugs!

  • Will you be eating bugs?

No.  Bugs are not part of the menu on board our private planes.

  • If you aren’t going to follow the rules why the hell should I?


That is a valid point. Off with your head!

  • Wait. What?

[Armed guards arrive and put the questioner in chains]

This person is not carbon-neutral!!  To the guillotine!

  • Help!  Help!


We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ hope that this brief question and answer session will prepare all my readers for the glorious future that awaits us all.  And stay tuned for my next post “101 Delicious Bug Recipes.”



Martha’s Vineyard’s New Tourism Slogans

Welcoming and tolerant. As long as you’re rich and white.








Recently Martha’s Vineyard was in the news after a planeload of migrants were dropped off on the island. Realizing that the presence of Hispanics on Martha’s Vineyard would hurt their tourism industry the migrants were immediately sent to another location. The town council then convened an emergency all-night session and came up with some new slogans that they hope will bring the tourists back.

My source* on Martha’s Vineyard has sent me the new prospective tourism slogans and has asked me to disseminate them with the hope that the public at large will decide which one to use.

And so hearkening to my commitment to truth and facts** I now present  the complete list of potential tourism slogans for Martha’s Vineyard:

  1.  Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse – no wait, wretched refuse?  Hey did we mention how Beautiful Rhode Island is this time of year?
  2. We are the welcoming committee of America.  Now get off our lawn.
  3. We love Hispanics.  Can you work on my roof?  What?  You’re Venezuelan not Mexican? I thought all you people were Mexican.
  4. Venezuela? Is that even a country?
  5. No seriously. Is it like South Mexico?
  6. If you think Martha’s Vineyard is pretty try Nantucket Island.  We have boats leaving every hour.  Be on one.
  7. For the last time Chappaquiddick is another island. Yes we are only 100 yards away by boat but technically Ted Kennedy did not kill that girl while on Martha’s Vineyard.
  8. Do you Venezuelans know any Mexicans? I need my roof worked on.
  9. No? Well then can you work on my roof?  It’s leaking. 
  10. What the hell do you mean you can’t work on my roof? F*cking Venezuelans!
  11. Nantucket sent you back to us? I thought they were welcoming and inclusive.
  12. Make note:  Possible Republican infestation on Nantucket.
  13. Make note:  Ban all citizens of Nantucket from visiting us.  We don’t want those nasty Republicans walking around our island.
  14. Republicans all look alike to us so it’s difficult to spot them.
  15. Do you think the Republicans from Nantucket would wear yellow badges on their clothing so we can tell who they are?
  16. If you can’t work on my roof do you at least have some pot for me? And don’t tell me no.  All you Hispanics sell pot.
  17. Monkeypox?
  18. I have lesions on my anus, probably put there overnight by sneaky Republicans.  You know how they are.
  19. For the last time we are not named after Martha Stewart.
  20. All are welcome.  But if you’re Hispanic at least work on our roof or have some pot for us. Is that too much to ask?

* I don’t actually have a source on Martha’s Vineyard. I did but he died when he fell off someone’s roof while working on it.

** My commitment is really to beer and pizza but for the sake of appearances I have to say “truth and facts.



In First Act as King, Charles III Bans Dancing in Small Town of Bomont, Texas

I Hereby decree that dancing shall not be allowed in Bomont!








In a move that has surprised many, King Charles III decreed today that dancing shall not be allowed in the small town of Bomont, Texas.

“It has come to my attention that a certain someone has moved to this town from Chicago” said the King.

He has big city ways. These big city ways are incompatible with small town values.  He likes to dance. And dancing is a gateway drug that leads to immorality such as smoking, watching Fox News and voting Republican. Therefore by the power vested in me as King I hereby ban dancing and rock music within the boundaries of Bomont.

While the town council, at the behest of local minister the Reverend Shawn Moore (pictured here),

Dancing and rock music are evil!









has already banned dancing the decree was widely ignored, especially by the youth of the town.

One person in particular has led the resistance: Ren McCormack.

This man is threatening the morals of the town!

This McCormack fellow has no respect. He comes to town with his big city ways, dancing and listening to rock music and he has corrupted the innocent, gullible youth of this town. Americans have a tradition they call the “prom.”  I fear McCormack will use the prom as an excuse to dance.  Now I know many Americans are asking themselves why I, the King of England, Scotland and Northern Ireland am involving myself with matters in a town in Texas.  I answer that while it is true that America gained its independence in the 18th Century, we have never reconciled ourselves to this.  By banning dancing in this town I hope to lead a reconciliation between our peoples.  I know Americans have a deep love of royalty. My advisors tell me this all the time. Americans love royalty and bangors and mash.

While the King’s decree for the most part has met with approval, there are those in America who think the King would be better off using his authority on other issues.

A recent survey found that 65 percent of all Americans would like the King to ban The View or at the very least Whoopie Goldberg while another 30 percent would like to see the King ban the designated hitter. The other five percent were split among having the King ban the sale of oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies side by side (too many people grab the wrong cookie), Daylight Savings Time and odd numbers.

“Odd numbers are racist and the vestiges of patriarchy” said congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

The King’s decree takes effect in one month.  Those who violate the ordinance shall be forced to drive on the left side of the road and watch the BBC.


Darth Vader to Re-design suit; Seeks Open Concept and Subway Backsplash

I Like the idea of an open concept!











Sith Lord Darth Vader has decided that he is going to completely redesign his mobile life support system.

“It’s time” said Vader when announcing the change.

Don’t get me wrong.  After my duel with that pansy Obi-Wan Kenobi my suit gave me a new life.  And it has many advantages.  It exudes an air of intimidation, which is very important for anyone representing the Dark Side.  But the suit is, well, a little dated.  It’s very claustrophobic.  And dark.  Very very dark.  It doesn’t let the sun in.  I may represent the Dark Side but I like sunshine just the same as everyone else.  And don’t get me started on trying to eat in this thing.  Have you ever tried to eat pasta in one of these?  Half doesn’t make it through the slits on my mouth thingy and the other half dribbles down my suit.  You try intimidating people when you have pasta stains all over the front of your mobile life support system!

After receiving multiple bids, Vader settled on the design team of Chip and Joanna Gaines.

We can do so much with Vader’s suit!








“We look forward to this challenge” said Joanna Gaines.

What can I say about Darth’s suit?  Who originally designed it?  I suppose it was good at the time but it’s very outdated.  What I want to do is create an open concept and make his suit more roomy and modern.  So I’m going to knock down the exterior walls and put up some shiplap.  Also he could use some subway tile backsplash. The entire effect will make him seem friendlier.  He may represent the Dark Side but that doesn’t mean he can’t be approachable.

The first step in the redesign is what Chip Gaines likes to call “Demo Day!”

I love Demo Day!  I get to knock down stuff.  I guess it’s the little boy in me that likes doing this.  Darth wasn’t so sure.  He got a little nervous when I started attacking his life support suit with a sledgehammer. But he calmed down when I explained that it was all part of the process.  The only part I didn’t like was getting to see what he looked like without the suit.  He was all moldy and wrinkled and disfigured. I haven’t seen anything that disgusting since Mick Jagger.

Despite a few bumps along the way Vader is very happy with his new suit redesign.

Darth Vader’s new roomy life support suit









“I can’t tell you how much I love it!” said the happy Dark Lord.

So much space!  I get to move around.  And I love the homey touches in the new suit.  The backsplash.  The shiplap.  And they even put up a motivational poster that says “Dark Lords need love too!”  I tell you, Chip and Joanna understand me!

Despite Vader’s happiness with his new suit there have been issues.  As the suit is now 30 feet wide he has difficulty getting in and out of doors and the other Sith Lords have taken to calling him “Darth Fat Ass.”

They can say what they want” Vader replied. “They are just jealous. Soon everyone will be asking for a suit that looks like mine!”