Rome Sacked by Visigoths; Emperor Honorius Orders Colosseum Bathed in Light From Different Colored Torches; Says Rome Will Not be Defeated, Love Conquers Hate and That We Should Hug the Person Next to Us!

We need immigrants!

Responding to the first sack of Rome in over 600 years, the Emperor Honorius has ordered the Colosseum to be bathed in lights from “a diverse set of colored torches to symbolize the diversity and tolerance that made Rome great.”

“Rome is the greatest and most advanced civilization ever” said the Emperor.

This sack by a small group of radicalized Visigoths is not a reflection of the Visigoth people. Visigoths are the tribe of peace. I know many on the alt-Latin right have called for us to close our borders and restrict immigration. We must reject these voices of intolerance. There are those who blame the Visigoths and call them inferior. They say that sacking is part and parcel of Visigothic culture. I reject this notion. There are those who say the Visigoths must adapt to our culture and adopt Roman law and custom. Again we must reject those who call for this cultural appropriation. Visigoth culture is beautiful. I have several Visigoth slaves and I learn every day just from being around them. We Romans must open our hearts and welcome the Visigoths. Immigration is what made Rome great. Well that and togas.

Beginning tomorrow and for the next week the Colosseum will be bathed in a magnificent spectacle of light from thousands of torches. The emperor has also ordered signs reading “Amor Vincit Odi” placed around the city as a reminder to Romans not to retaliate against the Visigoth population.

Still not all are happy with the official proclamations of the Emperor. A small but growing number of Romans were shocked and alarmed by the sack, particularly the rapes.

Some of Honorius’ generals have asked permission to head north into Visigoth territory and punish the tribes.

The emperor however has publicly rejected that idea.

We Romans must go about our normal lives. That is how we win. By doing this we show the Visigoths that, while our city may be sacked, bodies may be piling up in the street and our virgins defiled in ways even I haven’t thought of. we are a virtuous and forgiving people.

He has also ordered the resumption of pagan festivals in the city to appease the ancient Roman gods.

We have forgotten what made Rome great: the protection the gods gave to this city. We have angered them by inviting in the Christian god. It is no coincidence that the basilicas of Peter and Paul remained untouched by the Visigoths while the tombs of our emperors were opened and their ashes scattered. Christians are an intolerant people and do not share our values.

Finally as a sign of how seriously the emperor takes the Empire’s commitment to diversity any Roman who is caught making disparaging comments about the Visigoths, either orally or in writing, will be fined and their business taken away from them.

“Be careful what you say” said Honorius.

“You may not think you are being offensive but a Visigoth may take offense at your words and begin to believe that Romans are not a generous and inviting people. Romae terminus stat pro Patefacio!”

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As Scandal Deepens Commissioner Gordon Denies Bat Girl is His Daughter!

Has Commissioner Gordon been using his daughter to fight crime?

As the debate over paramilitary masked crime fighters deepens in Gotham Commissioner Gordon has come under fire because of rumors that Bat Girl is his daughter.

With Republicans on Gotham’s city council asking for an investigation, Mayor Linseed has asked for Commissioner Gordon to step down.

“As the Democratic mayor of Gotham I fully support our fine police force” said the mayor.

Our police force, our public servants have a tough job. They have a thankless task protecting our city from crime and the last thing we need are costumed vigilantes undermining our police force, their union, or their loyalty to the Democratic party. I have repeatedly asked for taxes to be raised so I could hire more officers. But my calls for higher taxes have been rebuffed by the Republican-controlled city council. It is in this context that I must ask Commissioner Gordon for his resignation. 

When informed that the mayor had asked for his resignation, an angry Commissioner Gordon threw his reading glasses across his office and called the mayor a “cowardly mafia Democrat politician.”

I should have known better than to take this job. I’m a lifelong Republican. I have never voted Democrat and I hate the Democrat’s inner city machines. They are corrupt. But when Linseed was elected he appealed to my patriotism and civic duty. “Come be my commissioner and we can have broad bi-partisan support for my tough on crime policies.”  I guess I should have suspected that he was only using me for political cover.

Gordon continued his rant by calling Chief O’Hara a “mole.”

I was compromised from day one. O’Hara was appointed by Linseed. I didn’t want him. He’s an Irishman and you know how they are. The constant leaks from my office to the press could only have come from him. I support Batman and Robin. And Bat Girl, whomever she may be. Yes they wear masks. Yes they are outside our fine civil service system and as such owe no loyalty to the  political party in power. Just look at the results. Crime is down in Gotham because of Batman, Robin and Bat Girl, whomever she may be. I take pride in that and see no reason not to support them.

Gordon finished by lamenting the state of politics in Gotham.

I had no political experience before taking this job. I’ve made tactical mistakes. Politics is a deep game. I thought the city council would be on my side. They are Republicans just like me. But they only thing they care about is embarrassing  the mayor. That’s why they are coming after me. Well they’ve succeeded and the Linseed fired me just to cover his own corrupt butt. It makes me sick. Whatever happened to the spirit of high-minded public service? It’s all partisan politics nowadays.

The now-former Commissioner has stated that he has no immediate plans but will now testify in front of the council at their hearings into city use of masked crime fighters.

“If I can ruin that son of a bitch Linseed I will. I know things! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going home to have dinner with Bat Girl, I mean my daughter. I have no idea who Bat Girl is.”

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Carsten Charles Dominates as Yankees Defeat the Abomination of Desolation

“I invented baseball to collude with the Russians” ~ Abner Doubleday (as reported on CNN)

Wednesday night in the Bronx

After losing the first game of their series against the Bahstahn Red Sawks behind Suddenly Sucking Tanaka the Yankees hoped to win game two.

The Yankees started Carsten Charles Sabathia (7-2 3.66) while the Red Sawks started last year’s Cy Young award winner Rick Porcello (3-8 4.46).

The Yankees scored their first run in the bottom of the third when The Netherlands’ favorite son Didi Gregorius hit a 1-0 pitch into the Yankee bullpen.  1-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Starlin Castro led off with a triple. Gary Sanchez then singled him home. After Didi Gregorius flied out to left field Chase Headley singled. Chris Carter then hit a 1-2 pitch for three-run home run.  5-0 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the seventh Brett Gardner reached first on an errant (I love using that word, so adult-like) throw by Bahstahn second baseman Josh Rutledge. He then stole second and later scored on a Matt Holiday single. (The bald brothers working together again.)

The bald brothers

6-0 Yankees after seven.

The yankees scored two more runs in the bottom of the eighth on Chris Carter and Brett Gardner singles.  8-0 Yankees after eight innings.

And that was the final score.

Carsten Charles dominated, pitching eight innings and only allowing five hits. His stuff was fooling the Bahstahn hitters as evidenced (another adult word) by the fact that all five people Carsten Charles struck out did so looking with the bats on their shoulder.

I guess sobriety is agreeing with Carsten.

Jonathan Holder pitched a one-two-three scoreless top of the ninth to close the game.

Notes on the game:

There are always lots of Bahstahn Red Sawks fans in the Stadium when they come play the Yankees.  Annoying people these Red Sawks fans. They come from Bahstahn and pahk their cahs all over the damn place. I for one refuse to live in a world where Bahstahn fans can pollute The Bronx with their cah pahking.

When elected President I shall order Boston firebombed.

Where is Bald Vinny? Normally a staple in the bleacher and the leader of the roll call he has not been seen this year.

Perhaps he is busy colluding with Donald Trump and the Russians?

Two Bahstahn fans were sitting next to me in the bleachers. They cheered whenever Aaron Judge struck out.  I hope their cah gets towed.

Best heckle of the game: I tried but my heckle of “The /etc/apt/sources.list file and the files in the /etc/apt/sources.list.d directory specify the repositories APT searches when you ask it to find or install a package” didn’t fire up the crowd. I expect this Linux ignorance from Bahstan fans but not sophisticated Noo Yawkers.

One of the perks of attending a Yankee game is not having to listen to their TV announcers. I’m looking at you David Cone. Just. Shut. Up.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “After installing the necessary services to get my desktop to be a client on the LDAP server it crashed with a ‘You are in low graphics mode’ message and now I can’t log in. What should I do?”

This is a known bug. You’re going to have to edit your nsswitch.conf file. Change the “Group LDAP compat” line to “Group compat.”

C.H.E. of filthy, foggy, humid Florida writes, “There is an alligator in my head and it’s not me.”

What the hell has this to do with Linux? Are you high woman? I’m going to need a urine sample.

M.P.A of confederate-sympathizing Maryland writes. “I am for abiding by the Constitution and put down Mr. Lincoln and drive back his advances upon Southern Institutions.”

Um. Okay.

Recommended reading material:

LPIC-2: Linux Professional Institution Certification Study Guide.

My record stands at 3-3 this year. A good win and what a fitting way to celebrate what would have been Thurman Munson’s 70th birthday.  Thurman Munson. Great catcher. Shitty airplane pilot.

My next game would have been this Sunday June 11th against the “Bawlmor” Orioles but seeing as your humble correspondent is a deplorable and not a member of the open borders, global elite crowd I will be working that day.  The next game I will be able to go to will be Friday, June 23rd against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!

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ISIS Issues New Directives for Dealing With Crusaders, Infidels and Jews!

Death to the crusader, whenever possible that is.

While its long-term goal is to kill all crusaders, ISIS leaders realize that this might be impossible in the short run. (For no other reason they might run out of suicide bombers.)

The new pamphlet, officially designated “Directive 17.B” states that all ISIS fighters must find some way to “damage the crusaders, infidels and  Jews, either violently or emotionally.”

As a service to my readers I have translated and now reprint the directive in full. Fortunately I am fluent in Esperanto, which I believe is the language of ISIS.

Soldiers of the prophet:

As many of you know our suicide bomber program has run into difficulties. While it has been widely successful even with the promise of virgins suicide bombers are getting sparse to find. We even tried women but as they are not allowed to drive cars they are useless. Next we tried little boys but they can be put to better use as our sex slaves. We then tried suicide goats but stopped that (see our reason for not using little boys.)

It is for this reason that we have given our fighters temporary permission to do the following:

  1. Hit them with your car
  2. Poison them
  3. Stab them
  4. Punch them
  5. Spit on them

Start out with these easy five things, brothers.  Remember, if you cannot kill the crusaders, infidels or Jews then you must hurt them. A car (assuming it’s not a Prius) will crush limbs. Poisoning and stabbing will render serious, hopefully fatal harm. And punching and spitting, while not fatal, damages the self-esteem of the crusaders, infidels and Jews and makes them feel bad about themselves.

However do not stop at these five suggestions. We encourage our fighters to think outside the box. One of our fighters, who works as a plumber, likes to reverse the cold and hot water taps in the homes of crusaders. Let the infidel scream as he steps into his shower and is greeted with cold water! It is the prophet’s will!

We appreciate that not many of our fighters have the skill to be plumbers. But there are other ways to inconvenience the crusaders. If you are working in a pizza shop and the crusader asks for gluten-free pizza, give him gluten pizza. If you are working in a coffee shop and the infidel asks for cream and sugar, give him a black coffee. Ha! This will make him suffer. It is the prophet’s will.

If you are working as a male prostitute tell the infidel that you will not ejaculate in his mouth and then do just that.

You get the idea. If we can’t kill then disrupt their soft, decadent lives.

And take their goats!

You know come to think of it, the last time I had pizza I did get very gassy and bloated.  I bet the bastard gave me a non-gluten free slice! Is there no limit to ISIS’s depravity?

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My Exclusive Interview with New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (Stage Name Bill de Blasio)

Warren Wilhelm Jr. terrorist enabler

Today I have the privilege to interview the current occupant of Gracie Mansion, his honor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by his stage name of Bill de Blasio).

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Mayor.

BDB: Good afternoon you cisgender white male.

MI: Um, yeah. Anyway let’s start off with an obvious question about the election season. You will probably get re-elected in a landslide. Your current approval rating stands at 60 percent. Why? What have you done to deserve a second term in office?

BDB:  I’ve lowered crime.

MI: No you haven’t.

BDB: Well then I’ve made improvements to the city’s infrastructure so that the subways run on time.

MI: No they don’t.

BDB: I’m a Democrat.

MI:  I think that may be the reason.

BDB: Yes. We Democrats have a natural right to rule over our subjects. We are smarter and more moral than Republicans.

MI: Rule?

BDB: Benevolently, of course, For the good of my subjects.

MI: Right. I want to talk about the Puerto Rican Day parade.

BDB: Ah yes. There are many Puerto Ricans in New York.  Good people. Being surrounded by so many Hispanics makes me hearken back to my youth in Nicaragua. Of course we didn’t let Puerto Ricans into Nicaragua but that was only because they were beneath the Nicaraguans.

MI: This year the Grand Marshall of the Puerto Rican parade is Lopez Rivera, a Puerto Rican nationalist who was a member of the FALN and is responsible for over 120 bombings including bombings at Fraunces Tavern and One Police Plaza that killed four and maimed dozens.

BDB: Democrats are a forgiving people. I march proudly with Lopez Rivera because it will raise awareness of issues.

MI: Which issues?

BDB: Well I can’t think of any offhand but it will raise awareness of issues that need to be talked about.

MI: Yes but which issues?

BDB: [Pause] Did I mention I have a black wife?

MI: No.

BDB: And I’m very tall.

MI: Yes. I know.

[There is a flash of light and an explosion.  Mayor de Blasio goes flying into the air]

BDB: What the hell happened?

MI: I think a bomb went off. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?

BDB: Oh my god my legs. My long, long legs that made me very tall. They’ve been blown off!

MI: That’s a shame.

BDB: Without my long, long legs that made me very tall I’ll be as short as Michael Bloomberg.

[de Blasio notices former Mayor Bloomberg who has also been injured in the explosion]

BDB: Michael?

MB: My legs! My short, short legs that made me very short. They’ve been blown off. Without my short, short legs that made me very short I’ll be as short as Abe Beame. 

BDB: Who would bomb me?

MI: I have just received a note from Lopez Rivera. He says that he set this bomb off to raise awareness of issues.

BDB: Which issues?

MI: [Pause] I don’ t know. Well, I guess our interview is over.

BDB: Hey if you see my long, long legs that made me very tall could you just put a note on them telling people to return them to me?

MB: And if you see my short, short legs that made me very short could you do the same?

MI: Sorry, Bloomberg but I don’t have a microscope.

BDB: Oh man, now I have to go to the bathroom. Can someone pick me up and carry me to the nearest bathroom?  I’ve been having sudden urges to go lately.

MI: Perhaps you have an enlarged prostate?

BDB: Not any more. There it is over there. I guess it was blown off as well.

MI: That’s a shame.

And so ended my interview with the formerly tall Warren Wilhelm Jr. (who goes by the stage name of Bill de Blasio),

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Manhattan Infidel Answers All Your London Bridge Terror Attack Questions (The “Nothing to See Here Move Along” Edition)

Nothing to see here people. Move along.

Once again London has fallen victim to a terror attack. Once again the world offers up “thoughts and prayers.”  Once again world leaders vow to “Get tough on terror. And we mean it this time. We really do. But how can we get tough on terror and not conflict with our ‘open borders’ theology?”

Being a member of the MSM when a terror attack happens people often come to me to get the narrative.

While I must stress that the narrative on the ground is still evolving and may change at the drop of a hat (see James Comey) here is the preliminary narrative as we know it at the moment:

Q: What were the attackers’ motives?

A: It’s a mystery. We may never know. Perhaps they were angered by Brexit.

Q:  That makes sense. The European Union is the greatest force for individual freedom in the world today. How could the English be so stupid as to leave?

A:  I too was shocked by the sheer stupidity of the English.  But you know these white men of northern European origin. They are irrational, hate-filled racists and cannot think clearly.

Q: I hear the attackers are Muslim

A: THAT’S A RACIST STATEMENT YOU RACIST RACOSITER! I will make sure you are fired, boycotted and shunned.

Q: Okay so what was the attackers’ religious affiliation?

A: Probably Church of England. But if the Muslim attackers were from Scotland then Presbyterian. (You know how they are!)

Q; Wait, I though the attackers weren’t Muslim?

A; Are you trying to confuse me with your trick questions? I expect as much from an alt right nationalist such as you.

Q: Is it okay to offer up my thoughts and prayers for the victims of next month’s terror attack in London?

A: By all means. And while your at it change your Facebook profile photo to the Union Jack.

Q:  Is it possible Donald Trump was behind the terror attack?

A: That is a distinct probability. While we have as of yet no evidence to fit that narrative we are working feverishly behind the scenes to establish a motive and impeach Trump.

Q:  Why would Trump want to kill innocent civilians in London?

A:  He’s Donald Trump. He’s literally Hitler! Look it up!

Q:  Would this attack still have happened if Hillary were president?

A:  Sadly because of the misogyny of Americans we shall never know. Unless Chelsea runs in 2020. She will get elected.

Q: Thank you Manhattan Infidel. We depend on your to give us the narrative.

A: You’re welcome. As a member of the MSM it is my duty. And remember, open borders is the only way to stop terrorism.

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Manhattan Infidel Answers Your Questions About the Manchester Bombing

Why did this happen and what was the bomber’s motivation?

In the week since the deadly man-caused incident at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England your humble correspondent has been burning the phones attempting to find answers to why it happened and what was the motivation of the alleged bomber Salman Abedi. I now present the facts that I have come up with so far.

And remember, Manhattan Infidel is the most trusted name in news.

Was this a terrorist attack?

No one knows for sure. Muslims often carry bombs and/or pressure cookers in their backpacks to defend themselves against the Crusaders. Perhaps his backpack exploded prematurely because a Christian was talking on his cell phone. Oh these Crusaders are a sneaky lot!

What have the police in Manchester told you about the man-caused incident?

I spoke with Manchester’s Chief Constable Ian Hopkins many times during the past week and he assures me that there are absolutely no Muslim rape gangs active in Manchester. He also lamented the rise in hate crimes against the Religion of Peace™ since the man-caused event.

A rise in hate crimes against Muslims? This is very disturbing! What has caused this spike?

You know how intolerant the white man is.

Indeed. They are a hate-filled people clinging to guns and religion. But what else could have caused the incident?

Donald Trump

I thought so. Why would Donald Trump do this?

To distract attention from his imminent impeachment for high crimes and treason.

I am ashamed of America. Why did they vote for this man?

There are a lot of white people in America. Fortunately they will soon be a minority and replaced by the peace loving victims of color.

Thank god for that. This will ensure a Democratic super majority and usher in a socialist workers paradise in America

It will be the Age of Aquarius. And Hillary Rodham Clinton will be our community organizer and she shall lead us into the promised land.

So the root cause of the man-caused disaster in Manchester was?

Haven’t you been listening?  The bitter, clinging Crusaders, led by Donald Trump, are responsible for the man-caused incident. And Donald Trump now feels free to initiate a genocide that will be even greater than Hitler’s was and that has never happened before!

But didn’t Stalin kill four times as many as Hitler?

Technically yes, but we like him. He instituted economic progress on a socialist model in the Soviet Union. So a few people had to die. Probably bitter clingers anyway.

What about the suspected bomber, Salman Abedi?

The Manchester Chief Constable now believes that “Salman” never existed and the real bomber was a blond haired, blue eyed man of northern European origin. Swiss perhaps.

Thank you for all these facts. Is there anything else I should know?

Yes. There are absolutely no Muslim rape gangs in the United Kingdom. Sure a few Muslims have been arrested for having sex with underage girls and boys but that was just a cultural misunderstanding. Repeat: There are no Muslim rape gangs in the United Kingdom. So if your daughter gets raped or genitally mutilated don’t blame Islam. And definitely do not commit a hate crime against the followers of The Prophet.

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ISIS Outraged by Photo of Kathy Griffin Holding President Trump’s Severed Head: This Isn’t What We Are About!

ISIS disapproves

With the release of the shocking photo of D-list comedienne Kathy Griffin posing with a mock up of President Trump’s severed head, ISIS has released a statement saying that it disapproves of the photo.

Here is the full statement from ISIS’s corporate office:

ISIS Headquarters, Iraq

Like many we were shocked and appalled by the photo of Kathy Griffin holding a severed infidel head. We were shocked that the weak Americans allow a woman to cut off a man’s head. Only male soldiers of Allah are allowed to cut off a man’s head. Or a woman’s head. Or a child’s head. Or a goat’s head.

This photo proves that we will win out against the western Satan. The weak, decadent infidels allow their women to usurp the role of men and cut off heads.

Also notice the expression on the ginger-haired female crusader. Where is the smile? She does not show any joy. When beheading crusaders we at ISIS experience profound joy. Because we don’t behead simply out of sense of blood lust, important as that is. We also behead because of the joy of doing the will of the prophet. Many of our fighters laugh out loud when beheading infidels, as I’m sure you can understand. 

And then we make love to our 13-year old boy slaves. Or if no boy slaves are available a goat. And if no goat is available a recently beheaded infidel head will do. They have to be recently beheaded so they are still fresh and the skin is firm and pink.

So to recap, only male warriors of Allah are allowed to behead crusaders. And they must smile when they do it. Because beheading is fun. And no women are allowed to behead. It’s a practical matter. How can they really show their smile and joy when wearing a burka?

I think this makes sense but just in case I had misinterpreted their statement I used my back-channel contacts to open up a dialogue with ISIS, which I now repeat in full.

MI: Hello is this ISIS headquarters?

K: No, this is the Kremlin.

MI: I’m sorry. Wrong back channel.

K: No problem. Say hello to Hillary.

[Click}

MI: Hello, is this ISIS headquarters?

IH: Yes, this is ISIS headquarters. Is this about our pizza?  We ordered it a half hour ago. Where is it?

MI: No, I’m a reporter from America.

IH: A reporter from America?  We love American reporters. You get us. You really get us. You understand us and our struggle. Death to Jews and Infidels!

MI: Um, yeah. Anyway I want to talk about your statement expressing outrage over the Kathy Griffin photo.

IH: Yes, the ginger-haired female crusader who usurps the role of male fighters for Islam. Only men are allowed to behead. It is the prophet’s will.

MI: You know that wasn’t an actual severed head. It was a prop for a photo shoot.

IH: F*cking Hollywood! You can’t trust anyone anymore. They are worse than pizza delivery men!

Well that about sums it up. We were not mistaken. ISIS is truly outraged!

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Wonder Woman Petitions Justice League for Uniform Change!

This uniform seemed like a good idea at the time

Wonder Woman, one of the founding members of the Justice League, has petitioned the board of directors for permission to change her uniform to something “more demure.

“I’m proud of my work in the Justice League” said Wonder Woman.

I’m proud to be associated with such fine people as the Green Lantern, the Flash, Batman and Superman. Not so much Aquaman. He’s a dork but he had loads of cash so we needed him to bankroll the League. We fight evil. We make the world safe. And that’s something I’m very proud to do. But this uniform? Not very practical. Do you know how much time I waste every morning making sure my legs are shaved?  I have to do that now. And we don’t always fight evil where it’s warm. When I’m battling evil and it’s cold my nipples poke out and are visible beneath my, well, breastplate. I don’t know. Perhaps that’s the reason they (the other Justice League members) chose this uniform for me. I hope not though.

Wonder Woman’s petition for a uniform change has sent a ripple of shock waves and panic throughout the halls of the Justice League

“What the hell. Does that bitch know what she’s going to do to us” said the Justice League’s Chief Financial Officer Batman.

Does she know anything about running a business? Of course not. She’s just a woman. There are significant startup costs. And then there is establishing the brand name. That’s where Wonder Woman’s outfit comes in. It’s supposed to titillate. She has a nice rack so why not use it to our advantage? People see her and say, “Oh yeah, she’s from that Justice League I’ve heard about.” And that’s how we get business. They remember her in the revealing outfit, remember she’s with the Justice League and then use us for their evil-fighting needs. It’s nothing personal about it. I respect Wonder Women. She’s great at fighting evil. She also is an attractive woman with a nice body. I’m just using our available assets. I will be voting against the uniform change. If she starts wearing something less revealing or, god forbid, a pantsuit, we will be bankrupt in a matter of months.

The vote will be taken next week with Batman, Superman, the Flash and the Green Lantern expected to vote against the change. Only Aquaman is leaning towards a yes vote. (The Martian Manhunter, while technically a member, does not have voting rights.)

“I’ll vote for the uniform change” said Aquaman.

As a gay underwater fighter for social justice I am sensitive to gender roles and societal-imposed constructs. Besides I think she will look good in a pantsuit. Very manly,

As for Wonder Woman herself she says she would be content to wear her current outfit if not for the fact that she has recently entered into a relationship with former Major League Baseball player, David Justice.

Wonder Woman’s current paramour

“His last name is Justice and that is so cool. And he gets me. He really understands me. But he gets jealous and wants me to show off less flesh. I love him. What can I do?”

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Tanaka Strikes Out 13 and Still Loses; Or the “You Live by the Clipboard You Die by the Clipboard” Edition

“I’ve been dead for over 20 years but I hear through anonymous sources that Trump’s son-in-law sold nuclear secrets to the Russians!” ~ Mickey Mantle

The enemy of mankind: The clipboard!

Beginning a holiday weekend homestand against the Philadelphia, er the Kansas City, um, I mean the Oakland Athletics the Yankees started Mashiro Tanaka (5-4, 5.86) and the A’s Sean Manaea (3-3, 4.35).

It was a classic pitcher’s duel (at least until the now-porous Yankee bullpen was brought in during the 8th inning).

Tanaka, who had come off two really bad starts kept the A’s shutout and struck out 13.  I guess the talk he had with Joe Girardi before the game must have worked!

Girardi: Masahiro, I know you’ve had some bad starts as of late but I just want to say that you are our ace and we are behind you.  [To translator] Can you tell him that for me?

Translator: [To Tanaka] The cheese-eating white man says that you had better pitch good or he will drop a nuclear bomb on Japan and your house will be ground zero!

Tanaka: I hate cheese-eating white people!

I like this translator. Now we just need to find a translator like him who speaks Spanish.

There was no score until the top of the 8th inning. Tanaka, who had been cruising was taken out after giving up a single. So what do you do when yoru starter has struck out 13 and has been dominant?  You take him out of course. This is from the Gospel according to Tony La Russa, chapter 13, verse four: “Verily thou shalt not suffer thy starting pitcher to complete the game. Even if he is dominating.”

Or as Joe Girardi put it:  “According to my clipboard taking Tanaka out was the right thing to do.”

Other examples of listening to the clipboard:

Douglas MacArthur: I don’t know. We really should stop at the 38th parallel but the clipboard says pursue the North Koreans to the Chinese border.

Abraham Lincoln: I really don’t feel like going to the theater tonight but the clipboard says I should.

Julius Caesar: I know it’s the Ides of March but the clipboard says I have nothing to worry about.

Satan: I don’t know if this rebelling against God thing will work out but according to my clipboard it’s the right thing to do.

The clipboard:  Is there no evil it isn’t responsible for?

But anyway back to the game.  No score until the 8th.  Tanaka taken out. Bullpen brought in. Lead given up. Yankees lose 4-1.

The dependence of modern baseball on the bullpen is ruining the game. (And dragging out game times to 3 and 4 hours.) Get rid of the pitch count too.  Play baseball the way it was meant to be played and it will once again become the greatest game. And get rid of the damn blaring music. Baseball is a game best played in silence.

Notes on the game:

A woman sitting behind me kept yelling at Aaron Judge, trying to get him to look at her.  “I haven’t had sex in three weeks and need it” she told her friend.

Three weeks? Amateur. I disdain your three weeks.

All fans were given beer mugs before the game.

Beer and baseball. Who needs anything else?

This is a good idea that meets with Manhattan Infidel’s approval. Get the kids started early. Beer and baseball. It’s all you need in life.

Note:  The beer mug promotion, while popular, falls a distant second to the Yankees “crack cocaine and hookers” promotion night.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Install the OpenLDAP server daemon and the traditional LDAP management utilities. These are found in packages slapd and ldap-utils respectively” didn’t fire up the crowd. Ignorant Linux savages! I can’t work with such people! Or any people really.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “My Ubuntu VM is getting a “running on low graphics mode” error message. What do I do?

Arm yourself and prepare for to resist your government.

C.H.E. of flaccid, floppy, filthy Florida writes,”I just got a tattoo that says “Linux girls do it open source.”

You said “open.” You’re dirty. And I like that.

M.P.A of Confederate-sympathizing, secessionist bastard-filled Maryland writes, “We intend to prepare for war. We do not believe that war will ensue, but we are determined to prepare for it. We are not a feeble race of Mexicans, either. Sir, disguise the fact as you will, there is an enmity between the northern and southern people that is deep and enduring and you can never eradicate it – never!  Sir I do not believe there will be any war; but if war is to come let it come. We will meet all the myrmidons of abolitionism and Black Republicanism everywhere, upon our own soil!”

You know Robert E. Lee hated Linux. Grant however loved it.

Recommended reading material:

The Koran by the con artist Mohammed. (Know thy enemy I always say.)

It’s just too bad that Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager isn’t my enemy. I really, really want to “know’ her.

Manhattan Infidel wants to know this woman!

And so my record stands at 2-3 this year. My next game is Wednesday June 6th against the abomination of desolation, the Bahstahn Red Sawks. And what does Bahstahn do?  That’s right. Bahstahn sucks cawk!

Go Yankees!

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