ABC Fires George Stephanopoulos for “Future Sexually Inappropriate Activity”

We do not tolerate future sex crimes







After a thorough investigation ABC has fired Good Morning America host George Stephanopolous because of concern over his future sexual activity.

“We were concerned that George, being a powerful white man, could embarrass us” said a producer for Good Morning America.

We watched CBS and NBC suffer embarrassment because of their white male anchors and we could not let that happen to us here at ABC. So we did a check of Stephanopolous’ background. We couldn’t find much except for groping his prom date. That’s when we decided to hire some software programmers to develop an algorithm that would look into his email for certain words of bad intent.

After running the program ABC executives were shocked at what they found.

We found 935 instances where he used the word “beautiful.”  We believe that George, as a powerful white man, was using that word in a salacious context to possibly harass women at ABC. 682 times we discovered him using the phrase “Extra cheese.” Now he may have just been ordering pizza but you know how these white men operate. We believe “extra cheese” was his way of letting women know he was uncircumcised. What sort of lowlife talks about his penis like that in front of women? I’ll tell you who: A powerful white, male predator.He mentioned Los Angeles 435 times. By even mentioned that town he shows that he abuses women much like Harvey Weinstein. Most disturbing of the words “double latte” were found 198 times. According to the algorithm double latte means anal sex with underage girls. Hey, we didn’t write the program but our software people insist that is the only interpretation. Naturally we had to fire him after what the algorithm told us about him.

When informed of the results of the algorithm and that he was being fired, Stephanopolous denied any wrongdoing.

“I deny any wrongdoing” said the disgraced white, male predator.

He also promised to be back.

“I will be back” said the disgraced white, male predator.

ABC however has no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous.

“We have no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous” said an ABC statement.

Stephanopolous also admitting not understanding the results of the algorithm.

“I don’t understand the results of the algorithm”  he said.

“That’s because he’s short” said ABC.

Wishing to be fair, ABC also used their algorithm to examin co-host Michael Strahan’s emails.

“We found 6,429 instances of the phrase ‘anal sex’ in his email” said ABC. “But we really don’t know what that means. Besides we value diversity and Strahan is rumored to be black.”


An Open Letter From George Stephanopoulos

I may have behaved badly in the past







Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I turn my blog over to noted newsman George Stephanopolous who has something important to say to America.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Like all Americans I have watched as the sexual apocalypse unfolds before us. As a respected journalist I have had to report on these allegations. Even the ones by conservative women which are no doubt false since conservative women deserve what the get.

I have also watched as respected liberal colleagues of mine, Charlie Rose at CBS and Matt Lauer at NBC had been fired because of inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

Curious phrase at that. Inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace. Just as the NFL has unnecessary roughness which logically implies there is such a thing as necessary roughness, inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace implies there is such a thing as appropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

I didn’t play football in school so I didn’t have to worry about unnecessary roughness. The football coach said I was too short and suggested I become a jockey. I tried but the horses were mean to me. Mean and stupid. Just like Republicans. 

But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes. The sexual apocalypse.

I have watched male colleagues at CBS and NBC be fired for sexual misconduct. Naturally attention has turned on me, the face of ABC news. Would I be next?

Wanting to continue to serve the American people (and continue to have access to those hot, young female interns) I have thought long and hard on my situation. I discussed it with my therapist and the barista who gives me my double raspberry latte every morning. She’s hot. But I have never acted sexually inappropriately towards here. I did give her my number. She never called. I hope it’s not because she thinks I”m too short.

Anyway, wishing to remain honest with our viewers and wanting to to be proactive I would like to confess that in the past I have been guilty of sexually inappropriate behavior.

While I was in high school I did forcibly stick my tongue down my prom date’s throat. I also grabbed her breast. I was lucky she forgave me and still gave me a ride home.

I know what you’re saying. “George why weren’t you driving?”  

I wanted to drive. But my feet wouldn’t reach the pedals. To this day I have to use hand controls to drive a car.

I liked her. She was tall. I like tall women. I like it when they tower over me. Basically any women over 5 feet 5 inches.

She wasn’t my first choice for a prom date. One woman said I was too short. Another said she doesn’t date Greeks. Another said she didn’t date short Greeks.  Short Greeks whose feet didn’t reach the pedals on his parents’ car.

So I hope this confession of mine will help America realize that I too have sinned sexually and I have a deep regret for my actions.

Thank you


If anyone sees my prom date tell her I am sorry for punching her in her kneecap. It was just a reflex action when she patted me on my head.

George Stephanopoulos

Thank you George. I’m sure your confession will help America forgive you.

Oh, and one more thing:


Sleeping Beauty Accuses Prince Phillip of Sexual Misconduct!

An image of sexual misconduct!








Recently “woke” Sleeping Beauty, angered by perceived misconduct by her “rescuer” Prince Phillip, has accused the Prince of inappropriately touching her and kissing her without consent.

“I know I was asleep for 100 years and that a witch put a curse on me” she said.

But that does not excuse Prince Phillip’s sexual misconduct. As I was waking up my first sensation was his lips pressed against mine. I did not consent to this! I awoke in a panic. Who is this guy? Was I about to be raped? Why were his lips and hands on my body? Why does he not respect my femininity? You can image how I felt. Then he has the nerve to assume I should be thankful for his assault. He kept asking me when he’d see me again and that he loved me and could not stand to be away from me. He kept pulling me closer to his white male oppressor body. His hands were all over me. At first I thought he was a member of Congress. Then he said he was a prince and we were destined to be together. A prince? He represents the patriarchy and I have no interest in perpetuating the male paradigm. Fortunately I still had my mace and I let him have it. I escaped when he was retching on the ground.

Once safely away from the ravenous male oppressor pig she contacted police who issued an APB on the Prince who was picked up and held for questioning. He was later released when police could find no evidence of sexual assault.

“We take allegations of sexual assault very seriously” said one of the detectives who questioned Prince Phillip.

In fact at the Academy my instructor, a gender dimorphic, disabled black lesbian Muslim taught us that there were only two crimes: Heterosexuality and patriarchy. And possibly eating meat. So we were ready to charge his patriarchal paradigm ass. But then my captain, a post-op transgender who self-identifies as a shih tzu, said we should release him because he might lead us to straight to his rape den. All white men have a rape den. I don’t but I’m union. So we let him free. 

For his part Prince Phillip denies any wrongdoing. (Ah but what do you expect a white male to say?)

“She’s accused me of what?” said the face of patriarchal oppression.

Look all I know is that I found a beautiful princess asleep and that only the kiss of true love would wake her. Well the moment I first laid eyes on her I knew I was in love. So I kissed her. And she woke up. End of story. You know what? Screw the psycho bitch. From now on it’s nothing but sex robots for me. At least a robot will let me touch her.

Though technically free, the police continue to watch the Prince’s movements.

“He hasn’t led us to his rape den yet. He knows we’re onto him. But eventually he’ll slip up. And when we find his rape den we’re taking him down!” said the chief of police.


Klingon Homeworld’s Only Dentist Quits!

Show us your pearly whites







When Jack Frantley, DDS, moved his practice from upstate Millerton, New York to the Klingon Homeworld he figured he had it made.

“Have you ever looked at Klingon teeth?  They look worse than the English” said Frantley.

Business in Millerton wasn’t booming. I have lots of competition from other dentists. Then one day I had a Klingon patient. I looked at his teeth and said “If all Klingons have teeth like this then I should move there. I’d be a millionaire in a couple years. So I asked him If he ever went to a dentist on his Homeworld. He told me that they didn’t have dentists. That’s when I made my decision. I was packing up and moving!

Newly arrived on the Klingon Homeworld Brantley set up shop and waited for his customers.

There weren’t any at first. They didn’t know what a dentist was. So when I explained that I take high-powered drills and drill into the pulpy tissue of nerves they began to like me and called me a “Dentist Warrior.” I had to tell them I didn’t do this to inflict pain but to help people avoid pain with their teeth.

Apparently Brantley’s explanation had crossed a cultural taboo with the Klingons.

I’ve dealt with warrior races before. We have a lot of Irish in Millerton you know. But I have never had a warrior race that liked pain so much. When I told them the purpose of dentistry was to avoid pain they started avoiding me. At times I regretted my decision and started to consider moving back to Millerton.

Not wanting to be considered a failure Frantley began visiting Klingon elementary schools to educate young Klingons on how to take care of their teeth.

I figured if I could educate the young ones they would get their parents to care about the condition of their teeth. So I’d visit their classes and say things like “Today is a good day to floss.” Speaking of flossing you don’t want to know what I found between Klingon teeth. I mean gross. But anyway my efforts were beginning to pay off and I started getting customers. I figured things were starting to look up. It was then that the representatives from the Klingon Empire visited me. They were concerned that I was culturally appropriating them. What the hell?  If anything they are appropriating me. Every time a Klingon flosses he is appropriating my culture. But I didn’t mind. I just wanted to help.

But after having a senior official threaten him with death he decided to leave.

Proper dental hygiene is important but it’s not worth dying for. So I said to hell with it I’m heading back to Millerton. The Klingons will miss me when I’m gone. 

Can you say dead nerve? Fleshy exposed pulp?









The entire time I was being yelled at I kept looking at the official and saying to myself ‘You like pain? You’re going to know the meaning of pain real soon if you don’t get those cavities looked at.”

Back in Millerton Frantley has devised a fool–proof method of drumming up customers.

“I’m hiring two shapely coed dental assistants with large breasts. My slogan will be “Topless Dentistry. Who knew pain could feel so good.”


My Exclusive Interview with Charlie Rose

Do you want to see me naked?






And the hits keep coming for our moral and intellectual superiors in the mainstream media. I thank god I’m just a lowly, humble blogger resistant to temptation. But anyway here is my exclusive interview with former CBS Morning Show anchor Charlie Rose.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Rose.


MI: Mr. Rose?

CR: I’m sorry I was distracted fantasizing about watching you swim naked.

MI: Um. Okay. Let’s talk about your career. You’ve had a very successful run as a journalist. Hosting the CBS morning show, an acclaimed PBS show. What is the secret to your success?

CR: Ah, the CBS morning show.  I loved working next to Norah O’Donnell. She’s so damn hot, don’t you think? 

Show me your t*ts!










 I used to not wear underwear on the set because it brought my penis closer to her.

MI: Okay. Moving along.

CR: Smooth skin. Firm, supple breasts. Milky thighs.  I was barely able to read the teleprompter I was so excited.

MI: Back to what we were talking about. What is the secret to your success?

CR: I’d have to say it is perseverance. And hot, young 20-something women.

MI: Perseverance?

CR: And hot 20-something women. You know forget about perseverance. It was all about the hot 20-something women.

MI: Right.

CREven though I’m in my 70s I’ve been blessed with rugged good 

You know you want me!









looks that no hot 20-something woman can resist.

MI: I find that hard to believe.

CR: Why? 

All women want me








Why you you doubt this fact?

MI:Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?

CR: I have my people do that for me.

MI: So all these young women just happened to be sexually attracted to you? 

I am irresistible!










CR: Yes.  Why does everyone find this so hard to believe?

MI: Could it possibly be you were a powerful man in an industry they desperately wanted to get into?

CR: No. It was mutual sexual attraction. 

I am a sex god!









MI: That’s your final answer?

CR: Mutual. Sexual. Attraction. 

Mutual. Sexual. Attraction.








MI: One last question.  You have been accused of walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room.

CR: Yes. It was my way of breaking the ice.

MI: But is walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room a moral act?

CR: That depends on one thing.  The size of her breasts.

MI: What?

CR: If her breasts are large then it becomes a moral act.  I’ve studied Aquinas you know.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

CR: I have a pool at my place on Long Island. Care to swim naked in it for me?

MI: No. Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the legendary media personality Charlie Rose. You know he does have a point. The size of the breasts does determine the objective goodness of the act.


Macys’ Thanksgiving Day Parade Debuts New Louis C.K. Float!

Bring a plastic tarp







With Thanksgiving upon us Macys has announced that this year’s famous parade will feature several new floats dubbed “A Salute to Hollywood Legends.”

“While the parade is still popular we wanted to make it more relevant to the younger demographic” said a Macys spokesman.

So we’ll be getting rid of a few floats like the Betty Boop one. I mean she hasn’t been relevant in decades. We want to make the parade “wack.”  I think that’s a phrase the young folk use. We thought of making the new floats have a “Legends of the NFL”  theme but do you know how difficult it is to design a float that kneels during the national anthem? Turns out it’s a lot more difficult than we envisioned. We next tried a “Legends of Hip Hop” theme but again we had engineering hurdles we could not overcome trying to get the tattoos and bullet wounds to look authentic. It was then that we hit upon the Legends of Hollywood theme.

Working round-the-clock with the best engineers that agreed to work as subcontractors 20 floats were designed and made test runs for lucky Macys’ employees.

The first float we rolled out was a tribute to legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. We selected the youngest and most attractive of our employees to handle the float. We also told them that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to sleep with the float. Most seemed willing but we a few malcontents who claimed that the float was guilty of sexual misconduct. By the way we fired the women who slept with the float anyway.

The next float tried out was a Kevin Spacey float.

He’s a popular actor, right? Won a few trophy’s he did. So we rolled him out with a companion underage boy float. That didn’t sit well with some of our more cisgender and binary employees. They said it would send the “wrong message.” Our legal department agreed so we shelved it.

It was when the Louis C.K. float was rolled out that Macys’ management knew they had a winner.

He’s a very talented comedian and who doesn’t like to laugh? We even designed a moving arm that would mimic self-gratification. We were very happy with the test results. Again some of our conservative, Christian employees objected but you know how those people are. They disgust me.

Even some of the liberal employees objected.  One claims she was “traumatized.

I haven’t been this horrified since the time I stumbled upon Teddy Kennedy f*cking a coat check girl in a DC restaurant. I tell you the vision of his fat, milky-white ass thrusting back and forth has prevented me from raising a family all these years. I’m still in therapy.

Despite the objections Macys intends to feature the Louis C.K. float this year.

“Look all I can say to people who may attend is bring along a plastic tarp. You don’t want to be hit by spray” said the spokesman.


Tragedy Strikes Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots!

Toxic masculinity!







The world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robots suffered a stunning blow when the red robot knocked the head off the blue robot.

“I didn’t mean to do that to the blue robot” said the red robot.

He’s a good egg, the blue robot. Though I always thought he was more teal and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue. It’s teal! Where was I? Oh yes, the teal robot. He was a good egg. I liked him. Met his wife and children. And I killed him. Knocked his head right off. Well I hope the crowd sitting at ringside got a good show for their money. They just want blood. They don’t care that someone died. F*cking vultures.

Already there are calls for regulation and testing of rock ’em sock ’em robots.

“To be able to knock someone’s head clear off isn’t normal” said ESPN anchor Jemele Hill.

It speaks of abnormal muscle development we haven’t seen since the heyday of baseball’s steroid crisis. I want the red robot’s urine tested. If robots have urine that is. But he has abnormal strength. He’s probably been juicing to get an edge. And he killed the blue robot because of it. Well, he looks more teal to me and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue! And let’s talk about the rage behind the punch that knocked the head off. That rage reminds me of Bull Connor setting dogs and fire hoses on black marchers. We have to talk about racial inequality and violence against peoples of color. Was the head knocked off the teal robot because of the red robot’s white privilege? Did the election of Donald Trump empower racism? Was the red robot emboldened in his racism by alt-right white supremacists?

Many third-wave feminists blame testosterone.

“This is just so typical of a male-dominated society” said one.

Toxic male masculinity has made me feel unsafe. We need to ban competitive sports and ableism. Why must we have winners and losers? It just leads to incidents like this. Competition is evil. We need a gentler society based on the compassionate principles of socialism. Look at the WNBA. It is an example of what this world can be without testosterone-fueled competition. Do you think we go to those games to watch competition? No. We go to watch ugly lesbians. I’m a lesbian myself but I don’t like looking at pretty lesbians. Prettiness is also ableism. Ugly lesbians are where it’s at.

As for the red robot, he has retired from the ring and renounced competitive sports.

Never again will I kill another robot and say it was just part of the sport. Will it take another death before Congress regulates the world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robot boxing? This is the moral crisis of our age. That and climate change.

He will also pay any funeral expenses for the blue robot.

“It’s the least I can do for his grieving family. And he’s teal dammit!  He’s teal!”


My Exclusive Interview with Al Franken

I just want to forcibly shove my tongue down your throat. Is that so wrong?







Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing former comedian, author and current Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken himself.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Franken.

AF: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Let’s talk about why you ran for Senator.  Why the transition from comedian to Senator?

AF: I believed our country was heading in the wrong direction and needed a powerful progressive voice in Washington.

MI: Really?

AFOkay you got me. Do you know how much p*ssy senators get?  

MI: More than bloggers?

AF: Definitely. As a senator it’s p*ssy 24 hours a day, p*ssy seven days a week.


AF: But let’s not talk about that. I wrote a sketch I want you to participate in.  I just have to rehearse the kissing scene with you.

MI: Um. Kissing scene?

AF: Don’t be so binary. Yes. Now just lean forward and open your mouth while I shove my tongue down your throat.

MI:  I‘m not comfortable with this.

AF: Dammit I am a United States senator and I want to shove my tongue down your throat! I have the power to do this. It’s in the Constitution.


AF: I don’t know. I’ve never read it actually. But just let me stick my tongue down your throat!

MI: No!

[Sylvester Stallone enters] 

Would you like to have a threesome with me?









SS: Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuaaaa. Uuuuuuuuu.  Ruuuaaa. Aaaaa.  

AF  What’s he saying?

MI: I don’t know. I think he’s trying to tell us something. Here boy. That’s a good Sylvester Stallone.  What do you want?

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.  Ruuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Uuuuuuu.

MI: Come on boy.  Come on.  Good Sylvester. Tell us what’s wrong.

AF: I think he’s saying he wants to have a threesome with you and his bodyguard.

MI: What?

AF: But he’s not a senator. I’m a senator and I was here first. Just let me stick my tongue down your throat and then you can have a threesome with Stallone.

MI: I’m not doing either.

AF: Oh look. Stallone’s sniffing your crotch. 

SSUuuuuuuuuuu. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

AF: Good Stallone. That’s a good boy.

MI: To hell with both of you. I’m out of here.

[Ohio judge William O’Neill enters] 

Fifty women! Fifty!












WO: Can I join in on the fun?

MI: Who the hell are you?

WO: I’m William O’Neill. I’m running for governor of Ohio. In the last 50 years I was sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females. It ranged from a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland.

MI: Fifty women?

AF: That’s a lot of p*ssy.

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

WO: I’ve gotten  more p*ssy than William McKinley and Benjamin Harrison combined!  Boo yeah!

MI: Why are you telling me this?

WO: Just feel like bragging. Well, I’m out of here.

[He leaves]

AF: My tongue is still waiting.

SS: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

MIBack off Saturday Night Live boy.

And so ended, well, I’m not quite sure what the hell that was.  And if you see Sylvester Stallone tell him to quit digging up my flowers.


U.S. Army to Lower Standards!

Please try to cut yourself while not on duty











Under pressure to maintain an increasing number of recruits, the U.S. Army announced today that it will now be accepting those with a history of “self-mutilation, bi-polar disorder, depression and drug and alcohol abuse.

“We really didn’t have much of a choice” said Army Chief of Staff General Mark A. Milley.

We’re fighting I don’t know, seven, eight wars overseas. We need more recruits. We tried offering recruitment money but that only went so far. Once people found out that they might die for some reason they didn’t want to sign up. Come on it’s the army. It’s not all shits and giggles and making fun of the Air Force. We even changed our uniform from green to blue because studies found chicks dig men in blue. But we were still below recruitment levels.

With no other options available and needing more troops for useless nation-building it was decided to open recruitment to those who want to die anyway.

Think about it. If you are suicidal then being blown up or shot by Muslims in Africa in some country we are not at war with will sound more attractive. You’ll join and be willing to be sent overseas to die. Granted not to fight the enemies of America but so we can feel good about ourselves.

Already the new policy appears to providing dividends.

Recruitment is way up! We’re going to go about our numbers. We’re even thinking of sending more troops overseas to fight in countries we are not at war with and have no strategic or tactical importance to the United States. Because it’s all about feeling good about ourselves.

However the new policy is not without risks.

Even marijuana use is being allowed now. Because it’s all about numbers. We’ve found that the pot smokers tended to just giggle a lot when we gave them orders. But to be fair, so do most of our recruits. The self-mutilators weren’t much different. Except instead of giggling they just used the bayonet to carve themselves up. But the suicidal ones show great promise. They were more than willing to die overseas in useless wars that have no meaning. I mean isn’t that why the Army exists?  To be entangled in overseas wars?

General Milley also stated that the new policy will be Army policy for the foreseeable future.

Recruitment numbers are way up. We’re even thinking of taking our excess suicidal, pot-smoking, self-mutilating members and start a war with Canada. Canada!  Like that’s a real country. It’s too cold and what the hell is curling anyway?

“Our new policy is compassionate and inclusive” he said. “I mean why should the officers be the only ones who are mutilating themselves or suicidal.”


Dracula Charged with Sexual Misconduct!

I have no memory of these events and am horrified by these allegations







The Eastern European visitor to our land, Count Dracula, has been accused of sexual misconduct by several local women.

“He took inappropriate liberties with me” said Lucy Westenra.

He came to my house every night, sometimes dressed as a wolf, and bit me on my neck. Then he started to drain all the blood from me. I mean I’m a modern, sophisticated, liberated woman but if you’re going to do that you had better marry me. Or give me a role in your next movie. Or we could skip the marriage and just give me a role in your movie. Or we could skip the movie role and you could just give me money. But the point is if you are going to bite me on the neck and suck out all my blood you had better respect me!

The lawyer hired by Miss Westenra is asking for 50 million in emotional damages.

“My client was raped. Maybe not physically but emotionally” he said.

Since the sexual predator Count Dracula bit my client on the neck and drained all the blood from her body she is terrified to go out during daylight. She spends most of her time now prowling the Earth during night stealing children from their homes and dragging them to a nearby cemetery. For what I don’t know but it can’t be good. Eastern Europeans! We should place a travel ban on them or something. Except the Muslims. They are peaceful.

Mina Murray has accused the Count of repeatedly stalking her until she submitted to his advances.

“I thought he was weird” said Murray.

Weird but interesting. He had an exotic Eastern European charm to him. At first I thought he was a Muslim but when I asked him he frowned and said he carries the memories of the abandoned battlefields of his homeland and that he was known as Vlad the Impaler because he liked to impale Muslims on spikes. I didn’t want to judge him. We all have hobbies. I crochet myself. But then he started violating my personal space and saying things like “Mina, to walk with me you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine” and “I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.” Forever? Hello that’s coming on a bit too strong. He also tried to get into my pants by saying “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.”  That line may work on other women but not me!

As for the Eastern European visitor to our shores, Count Dracula

I feel fabulous!








(pictured above in an undated file photo) maintains his innocence.

“I have no memory of these events” he said through his lawyer.

And I am horrified by these allegations. However they have given me courage to address certain aspects of my eternal life. I now choose to live as a gay undead creature of the night.

“I mean seriously” the statement concluded. “People should have figured this out before. Hello? Long hair curled into ringlets and dabbed with scented oils. The top hat and dandy suit.  Colored glasses. I look fabulous!”