Mueller Indicts Marvin the Martian!

Being indicted makes me angry! Very angry indeed!











Special prosecutor Robert Mueller continues to lay down the hammer in his search into Russian collusion with President Trump in the 2016 presidential election.

Today he indicted Marvin the Martian, charging him with lying to the FBI when questioned about his knowledge of Russian attempts to interfere in the election.

“Marvin the Martian did knowingly lie to the FBI on three separate occasions when being interviewed” began the indictment.

The indictment then goes on to list the topics that Mr. Martian allegedly lied about:

  1. Mr. Martian claims to have never met Vladimir Putin. In fact Mr. Martian met with him several times during the period from November 2015 to December 2016. Martian was angry that Russia blocked his view of the Venus. “If Russia continues to block my view I will destroy it” said Mr. Martian. 
  2. Mr. Martian claims to have no knowledge of Russian attempts to interfere with the Presidential election, whereas Mr. Martian had a secret deal with Putin wherein he wouldn’t destroy Russia but would instead move Russia to Venus and destroy Earth. It should be noted that destroying Earth and saving Russia counts as Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential election.  President Trump no doubt knew of this.
  3. Mr. Martian claims not to know who Paul Manafort is and coyly asked FBI interrogators if Manafort was a “brand of cheese.”  Martian subscribes to the Wall Street Journal and therefore must have seen Manafort’s name in print on many occasions.

The indictment strikes a near fatal blow to President Trump’s attempts to claim non-involvement with the Russians while he was running for President.

“If Marvin the Martian did lie to investigators then this proves Trump is guilty” said CNN personality Chris Cuomo.

Trump. Russia. Marvin the Martian. It’s all connected! We already know Trump colluded with the Russians to steal the election from the more qualified Hillary Clinton. If Trump had Marvin the Martian help him how deep does the collusion go? Jabba the Hutt? Captain Kirk, the Robinson Family who were lost in space?  Or should I say allegedly lost in space? Perhaps they knew the truth about the degree of collusion between President Trump and Russia and had to be taken out of the picture? This all makes perfect sense. And I remind my viewers that I am on television. That means I’m smart.

Marvin the Martian continues to deny any involvement in possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russian operatives.

“I’m just a simple martian living a simple martian life” he said when questioned by reporters.

I do not get involved in Earth politics. The last time I did England went to war with Argentina. I have no feelings towards Earth. It seems like a nice vacation spot. I just wish it didn’t block my view of Venus. What do they want from me? I met with the FBI and answered all their questions.

Mr. Martian has asked to be left alone and will not travel back to Earth to answer the indictment.

“This whole getting indicted shit makes me angry. Very angry indeed!”



On State Visit to San Francisco Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Appears Naked in Public and Defecates in BART Station!

I am a sensitive liberal









Fresh off an official State visit to India where he wore a dazzling display of authentic Indian costumes, Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau continued his tradition of “dressing like the locals” during a visit to the city of San Francisco during a week-long stay in the Republic of California.

Despite his well-known penchant for local costumes many Californians were still surprised when he appeared naked at several events in San Francisco.

Trudeau’s representatives attempted to quell any controversy over his choice of nakedness.

“The Prime Minister is a citizen of the world and respects all local cultures” said his spokeshuman.

When the trip to San Francisco was planned the Prime Minister spent weeks studying local San Francisco customs and dress. That’s just what the Prime Minister does. Unlike America’s racist President our PM respects local cultures. It was after intensive study of the city that the Prime Minister decided he wanted to appear naked in public. He was quite excited for the opportunity to do this. “People in San Francisco walk around naked in public” he told me. “I want to do that! It’s a tradition in San Francisco and I think it’s a great one. Besides, after a Canadian winter my ball sack needs a little sunshine.”

While many appreciated the Prime Minister’s sensitivity to city customs not all were happy.

“We don’t all walk around naked” said one resident.

Granted a lot of us do. In fact most of us seldom wear clothing. But that’s in private. Only a sizable minority chooses to walk around naked in public. And while I admire their enthusiasm for public nakedness I don’t really need to see a 70 year-old man’s wrinkly grey pubic hair when I’m trying to eat my kale at a vegan health food store.

Not content to merely appear naked in public the Canadian Prime Minister also defecated in a Bay Area Rapid Transit System station.

The Prime Minister is a serious man and he wanted a serious San Francisco experience.  Defecating in a BART station seemed like a good thing to do. Many homeless do it. And while the Prime Minister is technically not homeless his residence in Ottawa is an official residence and not his personal one. So in a way he is homeless. Therefore public defecation seemed only natural.

After defecating in the BART station the Prime Minister met with San Francisco mayor Mark Ferrell and expressed regret that his trip wasn’t longer.

The Prime Minister was also hoping to hyphenate his last name to make it sound more Mexican. He was then going to shoot a white girl. But there just wasn’t enough time. He intends to come back next year if possible and do these things.

Next up on the Prime Minister’s tour is Los Angeles where he plans to steal some copper and take part in a race riot. After that he travels to Guatemala where he is hoping to join the gang MS-13 and assassinate a rival cartel leader.


Penguin Angered by Gotham’s New Smoking Regulations!

Come on! This is my look!









Notorious Gotham villain Oswald Cobblepot, aka “The Penguin” has expressed his anger at the Gotham City Council for enacting a new series of anti-smoking laws.

“Come on. This is just prohibition all over” said the Penguin.

I’ve been smoking since I was 13 years old and I feel fine. Smoking relaxes me. Do you think it’s easy being a highly intelligent super villain from the upper class of Gotham’s elite?  You know how mean rich people are? It’s getting harder and harder to impress people anymore with my villainy. Just the other day I was at a party with Gotham’s rich and famous and one of them asked me what I had done lately. I told them I had created a dossier alleging Trump had Russian prostitutes pee on his bed. Then I gave it to John McCain who gave it to the FBI and CNN. You’d think they’d be impressed. Nope. Not one bit. I even told them I was spreading stories alleging Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 election. They just yawned. That’s why I smoke. It gets rid of my frustration. I even use a cigarette holder for class. Makes me look like Audrey Hepburn. No dice. No one is impressed. I hate rich people.

However because of Gotham’s new ban on smoking in public and private The Penguin will no longer be able to use his trademark cigarette holder.

What the hell am I supposed to put on the end of my cigarette holder? Bubblegum? Kale? Gotham has no right to restrict my freedom. My cigarette isn’t hurting anyone. My trick umbrella however kills people. You’d think they’d be more worried about that. But no. Apparently as long as I don’t put a bump stock on my umbrella I’m fine. But smoking? Suddenly that’s a moral evil. What the hell am I supposed to do now to relax? Yoga? Meditate? The only thing I want to meditate on is the downfall of Batman! Gotham better repeal these silly, puritanical regulations or I just might take my evil genius to another town. Maybe Poughkeepsie.  I hear that town is ripe for the plucking.

The Gotham City Council however has shown no signs of rescinding the regulations and has dispatched The Penguin’s arch-nemesis Batman to ask him to refrain from smoking.

Like I’m going to listen to Batman. He’s a nerd! Doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t drink. I visited the Bat Cave once and asked for an ash tray.I thought Robin was going to faint. I don’t know what the hell to do man.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 


The Penguin has announced that he is giving up cigarettes and will switch to vaping, or electronic cigarettes.

“They haven’t outlawed that yet, the bastards.”


Also Breaking News Also Breaking News Also Breaking News Also Breaking News


Gotham City Council has voted unanimously to ban electronic cigarettes.

“It’s about time. I just hope supervillains like The Penguin realize we are serious about protecting the health of our citizens” said council member Bruce Wayne.


Manhattan Infidel Presents the Broward County Sheriff Deputies’ Employment Exam

He’s got a gun! Run!











Dear applicant:

Thank you for your interest in working as a deputy for the Broward County Sheriff’s Department. Being a deputy demands a willingness to serve, attention to detail and grace under pressure.  Good luck with your exam ~ Broward County Sheriff’s Office.

You see a crime being committed by a student on school property. What do you do?

  1. Confront the offender and arrest him
  2. Confront the offender and give him a stern talking to, reminding him of his rights and responsibilities as a citizen of the United States
  3. It’s close to lunch time. Ignore the offense. (Union regulations and all that)
  4. Do not report the incident. You don’t want to drive up crime statistics and jeopardize that sweet, sweet Federal cash flow

You receive a domestic disturbance call stating that a young man is causing trouble and threatened to shoot up his school

  1. Go to the residence. Ascertain if anyone is in immediate danger. Arrest the non-compliant teenager
  2. Drive by the residence. If you don’t see anything don’t report anything
  3. Turn your police radio off.  It’s lunch time. (Union regulations and all that)
  4. Think before you act. Do you really want to make this an official crime? If no one is shot then no harm no foul

You receive over 39 calls to the same residence. You have received reports that the young man is dangerous. He has been expelled from school. Students are afraid he’ll come back with a gun

  1. Be proactive. Arrest the young man on any pretext and have him institutionalized. Mental health professionals might be able to help him
  2. Drive by the residence again. Perhaps the 40th time will take and he’ll straighten up and fly right
  3. Are you crazy? Go nowhere near the home. The Feds are always watching
  4. And what good would an arrest do? It will only drive up crime stats and might harm the defendant’s self esteem

There is an active shooter at the local high school. What do you do?

  1. Enter immediately and take out the shooter before any more lives are lost. Your job is to protect and defend
  2. Wait outside until the shooting is over. There is nothing you can do
  3. Seriously.  America is a gun crazy nation and our lax gun control laws led to this tragedy
  4. The Feds are watching.  Let the Coral Springs police enter and take out the gunman. Any action on your part will have to be entered in the logs and we must keep our crime stats down

Thank you applicant for taking this test. We shall contact you if we feel you are a good fit for our force. In the meantime stay away from the high school. Some crazy might shoot it up.



Manhattan Infidel’s Suggestions for Improving the Winter Olympics








With the Winter Olympics finally over I see that the ratings for NBC have crashed and burned harder than Paul Walker into a Santa Clarita lamp post.

Which only goes to prove my point. The Winter Olympics are like empathy: Everyone says they like it but most of us manage to lead productive and fulfilling lives without it.

But since my erstwhile colleagues at the Peacock network have paid more for the Olympics than Stevie Nicks on a 30-year coke binge I feel it is my duty to provide for them some tips on increasing viewership for future Winter Olympic games.

  • Guns guns guns!

Everyone loves the run and shoot. Why not combine the run and shoot with every competition? Just imagine the ratings if ice skaters were shot during their competitions? “He’s about to do his signature move and  oh……..shot through the head. That’s got to be tough for the plucky young skater. And here come the towel boys to mop the blood off the ice.”

Just picture how exciting downhill skiing will be if guns were involved. As to how they could be incorporated that would be up to the Olympic organizers. I suggest having the skiers carry rifles and shoot at the competition. Or perhaps have the audience armed and let them pick off the skiers as they fly by. Now I know what you are saying. “Manhattan Infidel that’s just cruel and guns are icky and un-American!” Perhaps. But the name of the game is to increase ratings and as we have seen with the recent school shooting in Florida networks respond to guns like puritans respond to prostitutes:  “I shouldn’t. It’s wrong. But I can’t help myself. I got to get me some of that!”  Making guns a part of every competition ensures that ratings will increase.

Besides, haven’t we all secretly wanted to see those goddamn curlers get shot up?

  • Homosexuals homosexuals homosexuals!

From Cole Porter to Barack Obama America loves homosexuals. Witness Adam Rippon who melted hearts across the nation with his saucy piqueness and well-informed, literate political commentary during the Olympics. And now, after finishing 10th, is a hot, in-demand commodity. Wait. He finished tenth?  Imagine if he had actually won something!

Going forward I propose that all Olympians be homosexual. Those who aren’t must sign a pledge stating that they will engage in homosexual activity at some point during the Olympics. Said homosexual activity can be limited to oral. And remember, if you beat them up afterwards it’s not gay! So no beating up your sexual partners. Unless they are Republicans who voted for Trump. How those people disgust me!

On a sad note NBC announcer Johnny Weir reportedly threw a fit because fellow homosexual Rippon was more popular than he was. Can’t we all just get along? What ever happened to the brotherhood of sisterhood?

Remember we have a common enemy: Those damn Christians!

Those are two suggestions I humbly submit to NBC that I believe will vastly improve their ratings. NBC might want to combine my suggestions and have an all “homosexuals with guns” Olympics. No one would be able to resist that.


Batman and Robin Redesign Bat Cave!

We’re going for an open floor concept









Batman and Robin, famous masked crime fighters whose true identity remains unknown, have just finished a redesign of their office commonly known as the “Bat Cave.”

“I wanted an open floor concept” said Robin.

We spend a lot of our time down in the Bat Cave. It’s cramped and there is no natural light. I wanted to fix all that. Batman wasn’t too keen on the idea at first. He thought the Bat Cave was just fine the way it was.  He’s such a man! But after I brought in my designers and they showed him what I wanted to do, massive windows, open spaces, antique doors to the entrance to the Bat Cave and gables over the entrance door he seemed to warm up to the idea.

But before any changes could be made a budget had to be agreed upon.

Batman watches our budget like a hawk. And when I explained that our “all-in” budget was $100,000 he asked me where the money was going to come from? I told him the improvements would pay for themselves down the line and not to worry about having all the money now. He told me that’s not how it works. He’s such a man!

While the Bat Cave was being redesigned all the high-tech crime-fighting equipment in the Cave had to be relocated.

We ended up putting them all in a storage locker uptown.  Who needs crime fighting computers when all City Hall has to do is light up the Bat Signal?

Once the equipment was moved and the redesign commenced it was not without complications.

“To achieve an open floor concept we had to removes some beams” said the designers Chip and Joanna.

But some of the beams were load-bearing. When I told Batman about this he snorted and said “Load bearing? Just like Robin.” And we had problems with the foundation to the Bat Cave. We opened up the floor and found three feet between the floor and the dirt below. Usually they should be kissing each other. We thought it might be a sink hole. So we brought in some engineers who took a look at it and reassured us it wasn’t. Then we gutted the entire Bat Cave. We raised the ceiling and knocked down some walls to provide an open concept. Then we painted the entire Bat Cave white. We also put in large picture windows to bring in sunlight from outside. This also gives them a nice view. This didn’t sit too well with Batman who told me they need to maintain the secrecy of the Bat Cave’s whereabouts. I countered and told him our changes would make the place brighter and more cheerful. He said that wasn’t practical. He’s such a man!

But despite Batman’s objections the renovations were made.

The only problem now for the designers Chip and Joanna is getting paid.

“Batman told us to contact Bruce Wayne at Stately Wayne manor for payment. I mean why would we do that?  Bruce Wayne and Batman are totally different people! I’d be curious to see the inside of stately Wayne Manor though. I wonder if they have an open floor concept?”


Congress to Legislate School Shootings; Calls Continue to Regulate Process

This is all Donald Trump’s fault







Facing an increasingly angry media branch of their party, Democrats on Capitol Hill today demanded that the Federal government tax and regulate future school shootings.

“The Republicans want us to sit back and do nothing” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

We Democrats have a more compassionate program. We call on congress to pass a school shooting tax. Our government has a right to tax. Taxes are moral. Taxes are the price we pay to live in a civilized society. Under our proposal any school that is shot up will have to pay a five percent tax. All parents from the school will pay it. Except for undocumented Hispanics. Parents have to pay their fair share. We in Washington will tell you what that fair share will be.

The bill introduced by the Democrats, the “Affordable School Shooting Act” was hailed by Luis Gutierrez (D-IL).

“By taxing all schools we will make school shootings available for Hispanics and other peoples of color” he said.

I’m tired of having all the white schools get shot up. Every time a crazy white boy shoots up a school we in the Hispanic community feel left out. This is wrong. It should stop. We are Americans too and we demand the right to shoot up our classmates. When the last shooting occurred I went to an inner city high school in my district and implored the Hispanic brothers and sisters to start shooting. Most of them already carry knives so a gun would not be much of a problem. Perhaps a gun with a bump stock. That’s why I’m excited to tax school shootings. The money derived from that will pay for guns for our lower income Hispanic students and any money left over will be used to fund gun control programs.

Steny Hoyer (D-MD) tried to reassure those worried about the Affordable School Shooting Act.

“If you like your school shooter you can keep your school shooter” said the septuagenarian.

All we are doing is allowing everyone to have access to a school shooting. And taxing it of course. Well, some call it a tax and some call it a penalty but it’s the same thing. The government gets your money and gives it back to the community. That’s why we are known as the compassionate party.

The newly-formed association of American School Shooters (“ASS”) commended the Democrats for the Affordable School Shooters Act but says it is just the first step.

“School shooters need to be verified” said the organization’s manifesto.

At this moment shootings are chaotic and the entire field is open to those who aren’t qualified to shoot up their school. This reflects poorly upon all of us. We propose a certification program for school shooters. A series of tests designed to weed out unqualified shooters. Those who become certified school shooters only need pay a licensing fee to the government. A licensing fee that is fair to all.

President Trump called the Democratic proposal “ridiculous.”

But what do you expect from a Russian operative?



An Open Letter From the FBI!

We’re good. We’re smart and gosh darnit people like us!







The following is a paid announcement courtesy of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Hello young people of America and greetings from the Federal Bureau of Investigation!

As many of you are contemplating a career choice after you finish college may we suggest a position at the FBI?  If you decide to become an FBI agent you will have an exciting and rewarding career with many chances for advancement. Especially now since many of our agents have been forced to resign lately. You know. Russia and all that. Not that our agents broke the law. We are the law.

But anyway with so many resignations we have open positions available in our agency. 

Perhaps you have the skill set to join us?

Are you

  • Good at investigating? 

I know that might seem self-explanatory since we are the Federal Bureau of Investigation. But many of us quite frankly aren’t very good at it. Take this thing with the kid who shot up a school in Florida. Turns out someone had sent us a tip because he said in an internet chat room that he wanted to shoot up a school. Granted he used his real name but how are we supposed to track him down from that? We may have a budget of 8.7 billion but most of that goes to paying off sexual harassment claims. That doesn’t leave much money for anything else. Hell we’re still using Windows 98 here at the headquarters in DC. So young folk, if you know how to find someone online consider a career in the FBI. Investigative skills are key. Most of us here can’t find our car in the employee parking lot. If you’re hired you could start out doing that. My car is green.  Has a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you like investigating.”  Seriously. I haven’t seen my car in a few days.

  • Non-partisan?

We here at the agency, much like other Federal agencies like the IRS, the NSA and the CIA remain neutral in issues of politics. Okay you got me. We’re all Democrats. If you’re a Republican we’ll have to investigate you. Again not that we are any good at that. But we are open to hiring Republicans. Seriously. It’s one of our goals. Hire more Republicans and Hispanics. If you are a Republican Hispanic all the better. On second thought strike that. We don’t like Cubans.  So if you happen to be a young Republican you can join us and investigate yourself. Perhaps get a FISA warrant on yourself. It’s for the good of the country. You know. Russia and all that.

  • Good at Information Technology?

A couple years ago someone told us Hillary had a private email server and it was located in the bathroom of her estate. What the hell is a server? Does it have something to do with volleyball? Needless to say we dropped the ball on that one. We found out later that a server is a big computer that stores lots of files. I mean a big one. Maybe 300 MB or something.

  • Good at investigating?

I hate to harp on the investigation angle but I really need to find my car. My car key is supposed to have some sort of beeping thing on it that goes off when I’m near it but I don’t know how to activate it.  Could someone investigate that for me?


The Federal Bureau of Investigation

It’s nice to know we are in good hands.



Manhattan Infidel Celebrates Nine Years!

Ain’t no hanging with the Dagos here!







From the desk of former President Barack Obama:

On February 20, 2009, a date that shall live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the blog called Manhattan Infidel. The United States was at peace with Manhattan Infidel and, at the solicitation of Manhattan Infidel, was still in conversation with the guy who runs the blog, you know, the guy who never wears pants, looking toward the maintenance of peace.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory over Manhattan Infidel!

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us. Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph—so help us God.

Jeesh Barry it’s just a blog. No one reads it anyway. You don’t have to get all alpha male on me!

And on that note we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ open up our mailbag and read congratulatory notes from our readers on our ninth year.

M.P. formerly of Confederate Maryland now residing in New York City writes “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!”

Hmm.  And all this time I thought the Chicago Way was letting dead people vote Democrat.

C.H.E. of swamp-ridden, alligator-infested, hurricane-ravaged Florida writes “Ah, I knew it. That’s all you need, one thieving wop on the team.”

Please refrain from racial slurs. Unless they are directed at the Dutch of course.

A.P., a deplorable from Poughkeepsie, New York and currently under NSA surveillance writes  “You stinking Irish shit pig.

What did I say about racial slurs? You think you were Latvian or something.

L.T. of the savage land of Astoria writes “You just fulfilled the first rule of having a blog: make sure when your shift is over you go home still wearing pants. Here endeth the lesson.”

Um. Yeah, sorry about not wearing pants. It’s just a thing  you know.

O.B. of the soon-to-secede state of California writes “I’m going to see you burn, you son of a bitch, because you killed my friend!”

Whoa calm down pal. You think you I was Dutch or something!

D.B. of Philadelphia, home to the Superbowl winning Eagles and also the town that booed Santa Claus writes “I said your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that when I beat the rap.”

What is with all these racial slurs? Race baiting is only acceptable when directed towards the Dutch. Though I don’t like the Danish bastards either. So they are included. And don’t get me started on those Swedish bastards. I’m telling you don’t make a maniac out of me!

S.D. formerly of Manhattan now residing in Minneapolis (but who did not attend the Superbowl) writes “Me and the bookkeeper are walking out of here, getting into a car, and driving away.” 

Well as long as the car is a hybrid I don’t care. Also, is the bookkeeper Welsh by any chance? I hate those bastards.

Fancy smancy artist T.S. of Queens writes “I’m gonna tell you something. Somebody messes with me, I’m gonna mess with with him. Somebody steals from me, I’m gonna say you stole. Not talk to him for spitting on the sidewalk.”

Spitting on the sidewalk? You must be German. God I hate the Germans. Not as much as the Dutch or the Irish of course. But they are bastards. And what’s with the David Hasselhoff fetish they have?

LSP of Lone Star Parson writes “I want you to find this Nancy-boy Manhattan Infidel, I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on his ashes!”

You’re English, correct?  I expect language like that from the Scottish but not an Englishman. God how I hate the Scottish! Granted they aren’t as bad as the Dutch, Latvians, Danish and Welsh but they aren’t far behind.

Bob of Bob’s Blog writes “A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball!”

You know who doesn’t like baseball?  Those French bastards. I wish the Dutch would invade and take over the country.

And there you have it.  My mailbox celebrating nine years of  Manhattan Infidel. Will there be nine more years?  I only know one thing:

Italians will always bring knives to a gun fight!

Now get out you dago bastard!  Go on get your ass outta here!


Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Tragic Florida School Shooting

This is all Donald Trump’s fault







When the news of the school shooting in Florida broke we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action.

Okay, we put our pants on. Okay, we put our underwear on.  Okay we remained naked.

But eventually we traveled down to Florida to help with the narrative:  It is important that this shooting be used as an excuse to embarrass Republicans and Donald Trump.

When I arrived at the scene I saw many injured, bleeding students.

I approached one such active bleeder and asked him what happened.

MI:  What happened?

AB:  I’ve been shot.

MI: Are you a registered Republican?

AB: What has that got to do with it?

MI: Because if you are I can lecture you now about the dangerous Second Amendment.

AB: Please I’m bleeding rather heavily.  Can you apply a tourniquet?

MI: I’m sorry. I’m just a reporter. It’s not my job to get actively involved in the narratives I cover. 

AB: I’m losing consciousness.

MI: You Republicans deserve to be shot.

With active bleeder no. 1 unconscious I moved on to active bleeder no. 2.

MI: Are you conscious?

AB #2: Yes but not for long.

MI: Has this changed your mind on gun control? 

AB #2:Please sir get an ambulance.

MI: Are you an alt-right white nationalist?

AB #2: What? Please help me!

MI: If only you Republicans would admit the error of supporting gun rights I might help you but this is karmic justice. Before you lose consciousness I have one final question: Did you see the shooter? Was it Donald Trump? Technically that’s two questions. But since you’re a Floridian you probably don’t understand math.

AB #2: What?

MI: You are bleeding out right now because Donald Trump is literally Hitler!

AB #2: Tell my mother I love her!

MI: You’ll tell her yourself son.  In hell!

Active bleeder no. 2 then lost consciousness. The nerve of these hicks. Don’t they realize I’m a member of the MSM from New York?

Since all the active bleeders were unconscious I knew no further narrative could be accomplished and left hick Florida to return to sophisticated New York.

What have we learned from this shooting?  A few things:

  1. Republicans deserve to be shot. 
  2. Our founding fathers were alt-right white nationalists who wanted guns to shoot brown people.
  3. Donald Trump is literally Hitler.

Hopefully we can use this shooting to abolish the Constitution and appoint a strong leader to rule America. A charismatic leader who will take away all privately held guns and use his power of Divine Right to bring about a socialist workers paradise.

And that man is, I believe, Michelle Obama.