Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote Crushed by 18 Wheeler

Can’t we all just get along?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote pursued their blood feud to the death today as both were crushed by a semi, halting traffic in both directions during the height of rush hour.

“It was a mess” said a highway patrolman.

It was a wet, pulpy mess scattered along the highway for miles. Naturally for safety’s sake we had to shut down the road. Animal pulp can be pretty slick and we didn’t want anyone injured. Well I should say anyone else to get injured. The Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote were injured. Injured into a wet, slimy, smelly, pulpy mess. I don’t envy the truck driver. Washing a wet, slimy, smelly, disgusting pulpy mess from one’s undercarriage can’t be fun.

Many are asking why the state didn’t do more to protect the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote (both endangered species) from being run over.

“Look we have limited resources” said a spokesman for the governor.

We have known for a long time that both of them had a blood feud that was spilling out onto our highways. But we just can’t pull state troopers off their regular assignments to protect these two. There are real crimes being committed in this state. People are collecting rainwater on their properties. We have to hunt these people down and arrest them. There are people expressing nationalist sentiments. Again we have to arrest them. Also there are people who don’t know which restroom to use. It can be confusing with 31 genders I know. We have to help these people. With all this going on do you expect us to help a road runner and a coyote?

As to why the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote engaged in a blood feud that resulted in their slimy, pulpy deaths, opinions vary. Many believe it was political.  The Road Runner was a libertarian while Wile E. Coyote was a Democrat who believe in the power of the state.

Some believe the feud was the result of unresolved sexual tension between the two.

“Who could resist the Road Runner and his lithe body and strong powerful legs” said an acquaintance of Wile E. Coyote.

He had pictures of the Road Runner all over his house. Occasionally he would say how much he admired how the Road Runner kept himself in shapes and that he liked to watch him run. I once caught him pleasuring himself while moaning “Oh Road Runner!” Who could resist the Road Runner? It’s enough to tempt even the most heterosexual of coyotes.

The driver of the 18 wheeler that ran over the duo is suing the state.

“Not only was I fined by my boss for being late on my run but do you know how much it costs to get rid of wet, pulpy, slimy, disgusting, foul smelling inside out animals from your undercarriage? Well it costs plenty. And they never got the smell out. And trust me you don’t want to go on a 36 hour road trip smelling nothing but wet, pulpy, slimy foul smelling inside out animals. It smells worse than liver.”

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My Exclusive Interview with Roger Goodell

Roger Goodell’s inner essence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With NFL protests much in the news I was lucky enough to snag an interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (pictured above.)

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Goodell.

RG: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. Are you ready for some football?

MI: Actually no. I turned off the NFL games in disgust after the protests started.

RG: So you’re watching the games? It’s good to hear from faithful, loyal football fans such as yourself.

MI: Actually I said I was not watching the games and was boycotting them out of disgust for the protests and politicization of the game.

RG: I’m glad we have your support. Without fans like you the NFL would be nothing.

MI: You’re not listening to me, are you?

RG: No. No I’m not. I’m Roger f*cking Goodell, Commissioner of the Motherf*king NFL and I don’t need to listen to common people like you. Commoners such as yourself and your stupid protests annoy me.

MI: But would you like to address the issue of the protests?  Viewership is down and many people talk of never watching the NFL again.

RG: Our brave heroic football players have the right to protest the out-of-control epidemic of white police officers shooting young black men.

MI: But isn’t that really a myth. If you look at the statistics black men are much more likely to be killed by other black men.

RG: Ferguson. Hands up. Don’t shoot.

MI: That has been proven to be false.

RG: But I believe it to be true. And that’s all that matters.

MI: Shouldn’t the NFL be concentrating on providing entertainment and not becoming social justice warriors?

[Pause]

MI: Commissioner Goodell?

[Pause]

MI: What about the arrest rate of NFL players? Do you plan to address this issue?

[Pause]

RG: Oh look. it’s the coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs, Gregg Popovich!

[Gregg Popovich enters] 

White people are evil!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GP:  White people!

MI: I beg your pardon?

GP: White people need to be made uncomfortable. We have no idea what it means to be born white. White people! Make them uncomfortable!  Down with white privilege!  Make us uncomfortable. White people need to be brought down and made uncomfortable!

RG:  Brilliantly put. Would you by any chance be available to take a knee for us next Sunday?

MI: You want to be made uncomfortable? Very well. I’ve just told your chauffeur that he won’t be needed for the rest of the day so he left.

GP: What? No chauffeur? Damn you Manhattan Infidel I said make white people uncomfortable. Not kill us!  What am I supposed to do now?

MI: I don’t know. Take public transportation?

RG: I’d offer you my chauffeur but he’s busy taking a knee somewhere.

GP: No chauffeur peace!

[Popovich takes a knee]

RG:  May I join you?

[Goodell takes a knee]

MI: I’ll just leave you to your knee taking then.

[Manhattan Infidel leaves]

RG: Help I’ve taken a knee and I can’t get up!

GP: I used to have that problem. Now I take SuperBeta Prostate. 

You know that interview made me very uncomfortable. And not in a social justice way either.

(9)

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Mighty Mouse Murdered!

He will save the day no more!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Superhero Mighty Mouse, who has often come to save the day, will save the day no more as his brutally murdered corpse was discovered in an abandoned warehouse.

“This was the most disturbing crime I’ve ever seen” said a detective with first hand knowledge of the incident.

He was tied to a chair, his eyes were gouged out, his ears were cut off, his tongue had been removed and his forearms chopped off. This was no ordinary crime. This was personal. Whoever, or is it whomever I really don’t know, did this not only wanted Mighty Mouse dead but he wanted him to suffer.

In addition to the mutilated body a tape recording of Mr. Mouse’s final moments was left at the scene.

Mr. Mouse could be heard crying “Please for the love of god show me some mercy and just kill me now. What is the point of torturing me like this? Just kill me!” Then we’d heard a chain saw and Mr. Mouse screaming. I’ll never be able to unhear those screams. They will stay with me forever. I tell you this is one sick son of a bitch who did this.

At the moment police have no motive for the crime. However Mighty Mouse’s superpowers and history of fighting evil have left a long list of subjects.

Mr. Mouse’s powers included flight, super strength, invulnerability, x-ray vision and psychokinesis. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that people in power did not like those powers in the hand of a private citizen. In short his pissed a lot of people off. We think that somebody who had prior dealing with Mr. Mouse sought revenge. I mean x-ray vision? That alone makes every women a possible suspect. I know I wouldn’t want a mouse with superpowers using x-ray vision to see what I look like naked.

In hopes of preventing any similar murders police have asked citizens who may have superpowers such as x-ray vision to “stop being perverts.”

If you do have superpowers we ask that you use restraint. Flight is okay if it helps you get to a crime scene quicker. Super strength is good because you can use it to fight the bad guy. Or become a kick boxer. Whatever floats your boat. But this whole x-ray vision thing?  I get it. We are all weak. There are so many hot women out there teasing us with their short skirts. Hell who wouldn’t want to turn the tables on them and see them naked? They are asking for it. There’s a woman at the precinct who is always flirting with me and teasing me. But when I show any interest she threatens to go to HR. You can bet I’d use x-ray vision to see what she’s denying me. But don’t do it. When they find out you’ve been looking at them naked they’ll get upset and triggered. And they might want revenge. We believe this is what happened to Mr. Mouse.

Using their professional abilities as detectives police have released a sketch of who, or is it whom I don’t really know, they believe is a person of interest.

This chick must look great naked!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This Betty Boop is just so damn hot. If I had the ability to see her naked I would definitely use it” said a detective.  “So we’re going to bring her in for questioning. And possibly a strip search.”

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My Exclusive Interview With Judd Apatow

Hi. I suck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing writer, producer and director Judd Apatow.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Apatow.

JA: Please. Call me Mr. Apatow.

MI: I just did. 

JA: That’s better.

MI: What?

JA: Show some respect for your betters.

MI: Right. Anyway I’m looking at your Wikipedia profile and it says that you are a producer, writer, director and actor.

JA: Yes I am. One of the more in-demand in Hollywood actually. Why?

MI: It’s just that I don’t believe I’ve seen any of your work.

JA: That’s okay. I assume you are from one of the lower classes of society so intellectual stimulation for you probably consists of raping women of color.

MI: Come again?

JA:  You Trump supporters are all from the lower class. Probably do manual labor for a living instead of working with your mind like I do. And like all lower class people you’re violent and when drunk rape women.  Just like Donald Trump who had his Secretary of Education rescind Obama’s, may his holiness live in our hearts and minds forever, campus sexual misconduct policies. You see Trump had to pander to his rape base.

MI:  But couldn’t it be argued that Obama’s campus sexual misconduct policies violate due process? Are people still innocent until proven guilty? Aren’t those policies that state one in five college women will be raped based on faulty data? Does not the data show that it’s more like one in 500 is raped? By saying one in five aren’t you demonizing men and calling all men rapists?

[Pause]

MI:  Mr. Apatow?

JA: Numbers aren’t my thing but I feel that one in five is correct. I don’t need proof. And those who have been accused of rape are guilty. No evidence or due process is needed.

MI: But doesn’t that lead to kangaroo courts?  Doesn’t our system of due process and assuming someone is innocent until proven guilty a great improvement over what existed in Europe at the time?

[Pause]

JA: You’re a rapist aren’t you?  A rapist and a racist. 

MI: I think you had better watch what you say.

JA: Racist raper!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Apatow in the nose, breaking it]

JA: Ow! My nose! It’s broken! I’m bleeding!  Help! Mommy! Mommy!

[Apatow’s wife, actress Leslie Mann enters] 

This hot woman is married to a child

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LM: What’s going on here?

JA: Mommy I have a boo-boo. The big bad man hurt me!

LM: Haven’t I told you to not fight in the playground? Just for that I’m sending you to bed without supper. And what until your children find out!  You’ll have to buy them more presents!

[Apatow continues to cry]

JA:  Mommy don’t send me to bed without supper.

LM: I’m sorry Manhattan Infidel. He’s rambunctious for a child his age and calls people names and gets into fights. I’ll have to ask the doctor to increase his medication.

[She grabs him by the ear and drags him off]

MI: Well that explains a lot.

And so ended my interview with Hollywood elitist and superior intellectual grown man-child Judd Apatow. You know I still haven’t seen any of his piece of shit movies.

(44)

2 Comments

Yankees Beat Tampa Bay (The Aaron Judge Uses a Private Email Server Edition)

“Every time I hit a home run my people kill a native American” ~ Attributed to Mickey Mantle.

muggy autumn night in the Bronx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The already clinched a playoff spot Yankees opened a series against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays on an Indian Native American Summer night in the Bronx.  The Yankees started Jordan Montgomery (9-7 3.96) and the Rays countered with Blake Snell (4-7 4.27).

Tampa Bay scored first in the top of the first.  After singles by Kevin Kiermaier and Steven Souza Jr. Evan Longoria walked, loading the bases.  After Logan Morrison struck out Wilson Ramos hit a deep fly ball to center field. Would it be a grand slam? Nope, thanks to recently activated Aaron Hicks who snagged it as it went over the wall, turning a grand slam into a sac fly. Kiermaier scored.  1-0 Tampa Bay after half an inning.

The Yankees came back and scored four runs in the bottom of the second. Starlin Castro led off with his 15th home run of the year. Todd Frazier, Clint Frazier and Ronald Torreyes singled, loading the bases.  Aaron Hicks walked, forcing in a run. Aaron Judge up next walked as well, forcing in another run. Ronald Torreyes finished out the inning when he scored on a wild pitch. 4-1 Yankees after two.

The Yanks scored two more runs in the eighth.  Gary Sanchez singled home Torreyes. Matt Holliday reached on an infield single scoring Judge.

Final score:  Yankees 6 Tampa Bay 1.  With the win the Yankees get home field advantage for the wild card playoff next Tuesday.

Notes on the game:

Before the game began news broke that Aaron Judge and Didi Gregorious had used private email servers, Gary Sanchez had once met with the Russian ambassador and Matt Holliday owns a private island called “orgy island” where he held frequent private meetings with those high up in the Kremlin hierarchy.

Naturally these scandals must be investigated and if true Trump will have to be impeached.

Hillary Clinton was at the game. In the third inning she ran out onto the field screaming “The Yankees are deplorables and cost me the election!”

She was tackled by the Yankee outfield of Aaron Judge, Aaron Hicks and Clint Frazier. Why did they tackle here instead of letting her speak? Probably to hide their crimes and collusion with Russia.

I tell you people this has to be investigated! Create an independent prosecutor! Trump, the Russians and the Yankees colluded to keep Hillary out of the White House and we as a people will not stand for this!

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Mickey Mantle wanted to kill all native Americans and wipe them off the face of the Earth therefore we should tear down any Mickey Mantle statues” didn’t fire up the crowd.  I guess they aren’t sufficiently “woke” and approve of genocide.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “There is a statue of somebody in Poughkeepsie. Should I tear it down?”

Absolutely. The statue was probably of some dead white man. And you know how guilty they are!

C.H.E. of hurricane infested Florida writes, “I was driving on the highway and thought I saw a statue in the distance. I was so triggered I had to pull over and weep.”

You did the right thing. I suggest you contact your local Antifa club and have the statue removed. All these statues of white people disgust me!

M.A., former confederate spy now living in New York City writes, “I want Columbus Circle renamed “Che Guevara Circle.” He espoused compassionate socialist principles.”

This is true. And Che was Hispanic, which means he was oppressed!

Recommended reading material:

Benedict Arnold, Patriot and Traitor by William Sterne Randall.

And so my final record for 2017 was 7-5.  The Yankees now go onto the playoffs.

Go Yankees!

(5)

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Tension Increases on Korean Peninsula as Kim Jong-un Acquires Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!

I will annihilate America with my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concerns that North Korea intends to start a war were intensified over the weekend when it was revealed that Kim Jong-un is now in possession of weaponized Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators courtesy of the notorious arms dealer Marvin the Martian.

“Unfortunately the reports are true” said CIA director Mike Pompeo.

Unable to develop a nuclear bomb small enough to fit on an ICBM he contacted Marvin the Martian and acquired the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators, which are smaller, lighter and more powerful than conventional nuclear weapons. If, god forbid, he uses one of the explosive space modulators the entire United States will look as desolate as any Democratic-held inner city.  Frankly people we should all be freaking out. This might be the end of the world in which case I’m leaving my wife and hooking up with strippers.

As to how Kim Jong-un was able to contact Marvin the Martin despite Marvin being on a terrorist watch list sources inside the CIA say that Mr. Martian was able to exploit the United States’ lax border security.

Mr. Martian has been banned from entry into the United States but he was able to sneak in over the Mexican border with several other undocumented people in the back of a pick up truck. Once over the border he obtained a drivers license, registered Democrat under the assumed name of “B. Clinton” and bought a plane ticket to North Korea. Our TSA agents should have nabbed him at the airport but they were too busy beating up a woman in a wheelchair who may have had a coke bottle in her carry on.

Now in possession of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators Kim Jong-un took to North Korean state television and threatened to wipe the United States off the face of the planet.

“Donald Trump and America will feel our wrath” he said.

We are now in possession of all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators  on the planet. I don’t like America. It blocks my view of Europe. I will use it to blow up the United States. and when that happens there shall be a giant kaboom!

As for how to contain Kim Jong-un Democrats are urging caution and more diplomacy with House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) asking President Trump to tone down his rhetoric and use restraint in hopes of getting the North Korean leader back to the bargaining table.

The Secretary General of the United Nations, Antonio Guterres has called for the Security Council to censure Israel.

Jimmy Kimmel threatened to beat up Fox TV personality Brian Kilmeade.

George Clooney blamed President Trump for “riling up” the North Korean leader and said that “this is the time for diplomacy and restraint.

And finally David Crosby volunteered to smoke all the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator that Kim Jong-un has if it will lead to peace.

“Dude that’s some powerful shit” said Crosby.

“Stephen Stills used to get some strong stuff from Paul McCartney but the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator high is Earth shattering!”

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Millionaires Suffering from Concussions Kneel During National Anthem!

I’m outraged! But not outraged enough to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Outraged by the treatment of minorities in America many NFL players made their voices heard by kneeling during the National Anthem on Sunday.

“I’m outraged! Simply outraged” said one NFL player when asked why he took part in the protests.

I’m so outraged I don’t know what I’m outraged about. But I feel I should be outraged. I didn’t sign a five year 100 million dollar contract with a bad team when I could have signed with a winning team for 80 million just so the President can question my integrity. I’m outraged. I will not stand for our racist anthem. It’s a symbol of racism, written by a racist slave holding white man. I don’t care if he never owned slaves. All white people past, present and future are guilty of racism and slavery.

Another NFL player said he had to kneel as a matter of social justice.

Trump just can’t criticize us. I believe in free speech but when it comes from Republicans it’s hate speech. And the Constitution does not allow hate speech. That’s why I’m kneeling. Because every day black men are shot dead by white cops. And this is bad. I am so outraged that black men die like this. Very outraged. Granted not outraged enough to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in. The brothers got guns and it’s just not safe. I’m outraged not stupid.

A third player admitted he did not know much about the protests.

I have what the doctor says is a concussion. It’s my 26th this year. Basically my head rapidly moved forward and my cerebrospinal fluid wasn’t enough to absorb the impact. I’m pretty confused most of the time and the doctors won’t let me play football for the rest of the year. But I do know two things for certain: This protest is justified whatever it is and I no longer control my bowel movements. Doc says that might be related to the concussion but even if it’s not it’s pretty disgusting.

But the most typical reaction came from one player with the Baltimore Ravens who did not want his name used as his comments may violate  his parole.

As an NFL player some might say I live a privileged existence. But if you take away the cars, the houses, the bling and the bitches I’m just another black man who is afraid of being shot by racist white people in racist America. And that outrages me. I’m so outraged I might even forget to beat my wife tonight. Though I might be able to punch her in an elevator if I get the chance. Not technically a full-blown ass beating but it would make me feel less sad about racism in America.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is confident that the protests will not harm the popularity of the NFL.

“What are the fans going to do? Not watch? Come on. It’s either watch us or spend Sunday afternoon talking to their wives. You see they really have no choice.”

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2 Comments

My Exclusive Interview With Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

I’m Danish not Dutch you idiot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of Interviewing noted European political figure, Hamlet, Prince of the Danes.

MI: Good afternoon Hamlet.

H:  ‘Tis now the very witching time of night, when church yards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world. 

MI: Um, it’s afternoon pal.

H:  If it be now, ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all. 

MI: You Europeans are a strange breed.  So tell me what’s it like being a Prince?

H: It’s okay.

MI:You know I’ve never been to Holland but I understand you Dutch have a beautiful country.

H: I’m not Dutch I’m Danish!

MI: There’s a difference?

H: Yes. Do I always have to explain this to Americans?

MI: You seem depressed.

H:  I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth.

MI: I see.

H: Forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory.

MI: Um.

H: This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire! Why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

MI: Okay someone’s not getting any.

H: My love Ophelia is dead.

MI: Sorry to hear that.

H: I lov’d Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not with all their quantity of love make up my sum. 

MI: How’d she die?

H: She went insane and drowned herself. Some people think I’m to blame.

MI:I ‘m sure you’re just being hard on yourself.

H: No. I did tell her I’d give her a plague for her dowry and that she’ll make a monster of any man she’d marry. I then told her to get to a nunnery. I also said God had given her one face and she makes herself another. I also told her that, and I’m quoting, “You jig and amble, and you lisp, you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance.”

MI: Wow. You really are an asshole.

H: Perhaps I am to blame for her death.

MI: No shit Sherlock.

H: Frailty thy name is woman!

MI: Let’s move along. Anything else bothering you?

H: My uncle killed my father and is sleeping with my mother. It’s got me pretty bummed.

MI: I can imagine. So what have you done about it?

H: Nothing. I’m prone to indecision and procrastination.

MI: Perfect qualities for the future King of the Dutch.

H: That’s the Danes you idiot!

MI: Calm down. Have you taken a vacation lately?

H: I have not.

MI: I usually go to a resort on the Adriatic. Nice, warm and sunny. I tell you I love the Baltics.

H: That’s the Balkans you jerk!

MI: Whatever. Boy you Europeans sure are sensitive. Anyway that’s about all the time we have.

H: To be, or not to be- that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die- to sleep- No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

MI: You Dutch talk funny.

H: Danish!  Danish!

MI: No thanks I’m on a diet.

And so ended my interview with the whiny, killed his girlfriend, indecisive future king of Dutchland.

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Wolfman to Try ManScaping!

Chicks dig smooth now

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Wolfman, citing changing styles, has announced that he will go “full manscaping” for the immediate future.

“I blame fashion” said the Wolfman.

I’m just a simple, humble Wolfman trying to make a living and get my freak on. I used to have great success with the ladies. They dug my hairy, unkempt look. I mean they really dug it. I had to fight the ladies off. All I had to do was unbutton my shirt a little bit, show them my fur and tell them my soul is cursed. My pickup line always worked:  “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.” They thought I was a troubled man with the soul of a poet. Chicks dig poets. So I was a hairy, troubled poet.

But recently the Wolfman was striking out with the ladies.

When I’d unbutton my shirt they would go “Eww gross.” Some would even throw up. I had one woman ask me if I was Eastern European. “They are a hairy race” she said.  “Hairy and all in the Mafia.” I had to tell her I wasn’t in the Mafia. She seemed disappointed. But it wasn’t just her. No one wanted me anymore. I went from threesomes to pleasuring myself while watching porn on my iPad. Talk about a fall from grace.

Soon he found himself mistaken for a hipster.

That was the last straw. A hipster? Even hipsters can’t stand hipsters. I’m not a hipster. I’m just an ordinary werewolf who wants to rip peoples throats out every full moon. Is that too much to ask?

Unable to get some girlie action and outnumbered by a new breed of smooth metrosexuals, the Wolfman decided that if he couldn’t beat them he would join them.

I made an appointment at a salon and told them I wanted the full manscaping treatment. They were a little taken aback when they saw me and had to bring in more manscapers. They also charged me extra for clean up. Apparently the board of health frowns upon back hair all over the floor. But it was totally worth it. Except for the painful hot wax treatments. I am now smoother than a male stripper or a Canadian. Let’s see the ladies try to resist me now.  Sure it took some getting used to. Chafing down there is always a problem. I miss my chest hair too but you have to do what you have to do. 

The newly smooth Wolfman can now be found hanging around bars at closing time.

“I should have manscaped myself a long time ago” he said.  “Smooth is the way to go. I’m getting more action than Justin Bieber!”

(5)

Declaration of Independence Placed on Index of Prohibited Books!

This is a racist document

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Democratic Party (“The Party”) today added the Declaration of Independence to its Index of Prohibited Books, joining The Bible (anti-gender fluidity), the Adventures of Tom Sawyer (the “N” word) and anything written by Stephen King (too scary).

“For too long we have tolerated this document” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez.

After the alt-right violence at Charlottesville the time has come to bury this racist document once and for all. The Declaration of Independence was written by a white slave holder. The entire document enshrines the right of white supremacy. It must no longer be tolerated. It must no longer be taught in our schools Suppress it. Burn it. Expunge it from our memory.

Vermont socialist and thought leader Bernie Sanders seconded the banning of the Declaration.

Nowhere in this so-called Declaration of so-called independence is the right to free healthcare or the redistribution of income mentioned. The entire document is an ode to capitalism at its worst. And yet we call this document great?  We celebrate it every year. Why?  Instead of this document I suggest we set aside a day to celebrate the United Nations. Perhaps the UN Charter can replace the Declaration of Independence. Socialism yes. Capitalism no. I’m actually 27 years old but capitalism has aged me beyond my years.

2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, while not calling outright for banning the Declaration, seemed to suggest that she is open to the idea.

I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror… Horror has a face… and that face is the Declaration of Independence. I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor while reading the Declaration of Independence. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving. What are they going to say about me? What? Are they going to say I was a kind woman? I was a wise woman? I had plans? I had wisdom? Bullshit, man! 

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the moral necessity of banning the Declaration.

Have you ever read the Declaration of Independence?  We must not read it so we cannot find out what’s in it. Every month 500 million Americans lose their jobs because of the Declaration of Independence. Boom goes the dynamite. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra. Shaka. When the walls fell! Temba, his arms wide. 

If the Democrats are successful in banning the Declaration of Independence it will leave a void on July 4th. Some have suggested that Americans plant trees or give to a transgender charity.

“Only gender fluidity can prevent climate change” said former Vice President Al Gore.  “I mean come on!  Do you want the f*cking polar bears to drown? What the hell is wrong with you people? That does it. I’m having a cheeseburger and farting in the wind. F*ck you all.”

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