Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the most fascinating woman in America, a role model for young girls everywhere. I am of course referring to Chelsea Manning.
MI: Good afternoon Chelsea. I am very excited that you have agreed to be interviewed by me. Your story is a courageous one.
CM: Why thank you. That’s so sweet.
MI: So for our readers unfamiliar with your story you were born Bradley Manning –
CM: I refuse to acknowledge my former patriarchal slave name.
MI: Yes, of course. I apologize. I should have been more sensitive.
CM: Thank you.
MI: Now to make a long story short, you gave documents to Wikileaks, served time in an Army prison, began hormone therapy and now you are Chelsea Manning. Why did you take the name Chelsea?
CM:I ‘ve always admired Chelsea Clinton. And Caitlyn was already taken.
MI: How does it feel to be a woman?
CM: It feels like freedom. Now I can finally experience all the things women experience.
MI: Such as?
CM: Wearing makeup, going to the ladies room, having men inside me.
CM: And without having to go through periods or cramping or staining my panties with menstrual blood.
MI: Rosa Parks had nothing on you.
CM: While I admire her accomplishment she was binary and was born with a vagina. And since when has having a vagina had anything to do with being a woman?
MI: Absolutely nothing. Gender is a fluid thing. Scientists are discovering more genders every day.
CM: God bless science!
MI: She blinded me……
CM: With science!
MI: Good heavens Miss Sakamoto you’re beautiful!
CM: Excuse me but gender designations such as Miss are binary and harmful.
MI: Sorry. So let me ask you a question. Do you still have your penis?
CM: For now but I’m looking forward to having it cut off and replaced by a vagina.
MI: Well technically they don’t cut it off. They slice it down the middle and fold it back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.
CM: Eww. That’s just gross. If I had known that I wouldn’t have sucked all that dick in prison.
MI: So what’s next for Chelsea Manning?
CM:I want to be an actress. I want to be the female, non-binary Brad Pitt for my generation.
MI: I heard you were up for the role of Doctor Who.
CM: Yes. I was disappointed I didn’t get. it. I felt the BBC’s choice was a step back for civil rights.
MI: But they chose a woman to play the role?
CM: Yes. But a binary, cisgender woman who has a vagina. It’s important that we teach kids that you don’t have to have a vagina to be a woman. That’s more important than teaching them math.
MI: Math is hard. Speaking of hard will you miss having erections?
CM: Absolutely not. I am so looking forward to having a lubricated vagina. Except my artificial vagina will have no natural lubricants so I’ll have to lubricate it myself with over the counter stuff.
CM: It’s what all women go through to lubricate their surgically recreated vaginas. The struggle is real!
MI: I thank you for your time.
I’d like to thank Chelsea Manning, the most beautiful and courageous women in America, for allowing me to interview her.