After a series of fender-benders, speeding tickets and run-ins with state highway patrolmen, Spock of Vulcan has been ordered to take a defensive driving course or lose his license.
“He’s a menace on the road. But then again all these Vulcans are” said a trooper.
They come here from Vulcan and use our highways as their personal amusement park. I stopped Spock because he was doing 90 in a 55 mile per hour zone. Do you know what he said to me when I gave him the ticket? He looked at me and says, cool as a cucumber, “The desire for speed is highly logical.” Then after he got the ticket he goes off speeding again. I would have gone after him but my shift was almost over. F*cking Vulcans.
During his appearance in court Spock, accompanied by his lover Nurse Chapel and a Star Fleet lawyer maintained that the ticket was merely the result of “cultural differences” between Earth and Vulcan.
“Vulcan society prizes logic and order” said the Star Fleet officer.
But that suppression of illogical desire come with a high cost. Vulcan nature is Vulcan nature after all. Have you ever seen Vulcans trying to get out of a parking lot after a Sunday church service? Lots of middle fingers and name calling. We can only suppress illogical feelings so much. We need what you humans call a safety valve. Aggressive driving does that for us. If we weren’t driving like illogical stone cold motherf*ckers on the road we’d be Pon Farring with your daughters. And once you go Vulcan you never go back so cut us some freaking slack.
Despite Spock’s plea for understanding the judge sentenced the Vulcan to 24 hours of safe, defensive driving courses to be completed within three months or risk losing his license.
Spock was not pleased.
His first defensive driving course, “How to respond to traffic” was not a success.
In this course Spock was supposed to wait in traffic to merge. Instead after ten seconds he drove around an 80-year old woman and gave her the finger.
“F*cking old bitch is just sitting there holding everybody up” Spock told his instructor.
What the f*ck is it with old people? Sons of bitches shouldn’t even be on the road. I should have run her off the road. Let her die in a ditch. Bitch deserves it. Why f*cking drive if you’re not going to drive? It’s highly illogical.
Spock’s poor showing in this course prompted the judge to cancel the remaining classes and revoke his license.
“Well screw this. If I can’t drive I’m Pon Farring the shit out of everybody. That’s right America. Get ready for some passionate, yet highly logical, boning of your daughters” said Spock.