With the release of the distressingly man-based and patriarchal film “Dunkirk” attention has focused once again on the Second World War. With this in mind I now present for my readers the story of The Pussy Brigade™, a gamble that turned into a disaster for the allies.
Note: Events may not have transpired as depicted. I have changed the facts where necessary for dramatic effect.
The Genesis of the Plan
With 1942 turning into 1943 no end was in sight to a bloody war that threatened to drag on forever. Roosevelt and Churchill, both conflicted about their toxic masculinity, held an emergency strategy session in the White House.
Roosevelt: What are we going to do Winston? Thousands of our young men are dying and I feel very conflicted about this. Was this war necessary? What is it about men that we love fighting so much?
Churchill: I was thinking the same thing. I thought giving up whiskey and cigars and switching to a vegan diet with lots of kale would fill me with peaceful feelings. But I still want to win this war. I still want to bomb my fellow men and womyn.
Roosevelt: My gender fluid, non-binary wife Eleanor says we suffer from toxic masculinity and we should learn from women and become more like them.
Churchill: That’s it! We will win this war with woman. A brigade of women!
Roosevelt: A pussy brigade?
Churchill: Exactly! And we’ll have them wear pink hats and vulva costumes!
Roosevelt: I feel with their moral authority we can bring this war to an end.
And so the call went out for women between the ages of 18 and 25 who were filled with estrogen-filled moral authority. Trained in secret locations in America they were transported to England at the start of 1944 to meet their commander, General George S. Patton. Asked by Roosevelt if the brigade was battle ready Patton told the President, “Battle ready? I don’t know about that. But what they lack in battle readiness they make up for with enthusiasm and the gentle love that only estrogen can bring. I myself am so inspired by them I am thinking of having my penis sliced down the middle and folded back upon itself to create an artificial vagina.”
June 6th, 1944, Pussy Hat Day.
German troops awoke to the sight of hundreds of thousands of pussy hat-wearing women on the beaches of Normandy. Confused machine gunners looked to their commanders for advice.
“What are we to do? Those thousands upon thousands of pussy hats fill me with feelings of guilt and remorse over my warlike tendencies?
However their socialist, yet cold-hearted officers, could only rely upon their male mindset and ordered the brigade cut down. The beaches ran red with the morally superior blood of the pussy hat brigade.
Soon the battle was over. The Germans had won. Or had they?
Shamed by the moral authority of estrogen the German commander at Normandy committed suicide.
Inspired by the moral authority of the Pussy Brigade Patton made plans to slice his penis down the middle, fold it back upon itself and create an artificial vagina when he was killed in a patriarchal car crash.
Encouraged by his gender fluid, non-binary wife, Franklin Roosevelt took to wearing women’s clothing.
Winston Churchill died tragically in a kale factory explosion but not before calling the Pussy Brigade “The beginning of the end of this war.”
This program on the Pussy Brigade has been brought to you by Proctor and Gamble who encourage you to talk to your children about entrenched white racism and police brutality.