Captain Hook, commanding officer of the pirate ship Jolly Roger received a double blow this week as PETA activists targeted him for harassment upon learning that he had killed a crocodile. His health insurer also dropped out of the affordable care exchange and increased his premiums by $850 dollars a month.
“Arr what be this?” said Hook as he woke up one morning to find his brig surrounded by protesters from PETA who demanded that he apologize for murdering his crocodile nemesis.
“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go” PETA chanted as they blocked anyone from entering or leaving his ship.
Unable to resupply Hook was forced to plead his case with PETA.
“I had to kill it” said Hook.
A man has the right to revenge. This devil bit me hand off and then he followed me around mocking me, telling me he’d bite off me other hand. I be worried he might so I kill him. He deserves it.
Unfazed by his argument the PETA protesters continued to block access to his ship.
“Hey ho alligator-killing white man has got to go! Alligator-killing white man deserves to die” they taunted him.
Out of water and with supplies at a critical low Hook told the protesters that they were wrong.
“It wasn’t an alligator I killed. Arr it be a crocodile!”
When informed that it was a crocodile and not an alligator PETA dispersed.
“Sorry about that dude. We hate crocs as well” said one protester.
With PETA gone Hook was finally able to resupply his ship, preparing to set sail back to Neverland when he received an email from his health insurance provider informing him that they were dropping out of the health exchange in his state and would be raising his premiums to almost 1,000 per month.
This came as an especially strong setback to Hook who needs special cleaning and maintenance of his prosthetic device.
I be needing lots of medication so my stump be not infected. Arr. I be having no problem getting insurance before this f*cking so-called “affordable care act.” Arr I should have known. Since when be the government good at anything? I can’t afford to pay that much for health insurance! The pirate industry not be as profitable as it used to be. Arr! I blame Amazon!
Hook also complained that the Affordable Care Act is forcing him to lay off valuable shipmates.
I be having to keep me shipmates down to 30 hours per week or I have to pay their benefits. Arr! How am I supposed to keep them down to 30 hours if I be at sea? Make them walk the plank?
Hook them threatened to quit the pirate business altogether.
“Arr I can’t even scratch me nuts anymore without bleeding out. F*ck the government. I be joining the Libertarian party now!”