God Hates Sunday Night ESPN Baseball and So Should You!

“Trump is going to cause Guam to tip over into the sea. He and Putin will do this.” ~ Maxine Waters

Sunday night in Da Bronx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes. God does hate ESPN Sunday night baseball. Is there even any doubt on this? War? Famine?  The Department of Motor Vehicles? Child’s play considered to the evil of ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Theologians all agree:

“Sunday night baseball on ESPN is a tool of the Devil” ~ St. Augustine.

“I agree with Augie” ~ Thomas Aquinas.

So on a Sunday night in the Bronx the slumping Yankees played the surging Red Sox to close their three-game series.  The Yankees started their most reliable arm this year Jordan Montgomery (7-6 3.94) and Bahstahn countered with Chris Sale (14-4 2.51).

It was a most unlikely Yankees-Red Sox game:  A quick moving pitchers duel. Boston scored first in the top of the fifth. Brock Holt walked and stole second. He then was singled home by Jackie Bradley Jr.  1-0 Bahstahn after 4 1/2.

The Yankees tied the score in the bottom of the inning. Chase Headley singled and then came around to score on Austin Romine’s triple.  1-1 after five innings.

In the bottom of the eighth Aaron Hicks walked, reached second on Aaron Judge’s single and then went to third when Gary Sanchez walked. With the bases loaded Todd Frazier hit a sac fly that scored Hicks.  2-1 after 8 innings.

With Aroldis Chapman coming in for the ninth things looked good for the Yankees.

But closers, like stool softeners, can have untoward effects.  Chapman gave up a game tying home run in the ninth to Rafael Devers.  2-2 after nine.

And Bahstahn won it in ten innings. The Yankees lose yet another series and fall further behind Bahstahn.

Craig Kimbrel (4-0 1.44) got the win for Boston while Chapman (4-2 3.48) took the loss for the Yankees.

Notes on the game:

Leonardo DiCaprio was at the game. No doubt taking a break from flying around the world on his gas-guzzling jet lecturing the rubes on lowering their carbon footprint.  Climate change, y’all.

There was a kid, probably around ten, sitting next to me in the bleachers. He kept standing up and blocking my sight line of the field. Nothing I did could convince him to sit down. Finally I said to him, “Kid let me tell you about what happens when you have an enlarged prostate. Getting up three times a night. Sudden urges, dribbling and of course ” – and I leaned towards him and lowered my voice to a whisper – “problems with intimacy. All this will happen to you in 40 years.”

That shut him up. He sat down and didn’t say a word the rest of the game. Occasionally I could see his shoulders heaving and I thought I heard sobbing.

Yes, Manhattan Infidel. Destroying the hopes and dreams of children for over three decades. It’s a gift. I do it well.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I just found out I’m allergic to penicillin because it freeze dried my internal plumbing and I had to take laxatives until I shot a cannon ball out of my ass” didn’t fire up the crowd. In fact they told me to shut the hell up.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I think you were too hard on Leonardo DiCaprio. Climate justice is the civil rights issue of this decade. That and transgenderism. Oh, and eat a salad every now and then. You won’t blow cannon balls out of your ass that way.”

What can I say?  My insides are a rocky ground that finds no fruit.

C.H.E of filthy, fetid, alligator infested Florida writes, “Try eating some nuts. I put them in my mouth all the time and I never am constipated.”

You mean like Planters’ nuts?

C.H.E. also writes, “Um, yeah. That’s exactly what I meant.”

M.P. former Confederate spy from Maryland but currently hiding out in New York City writes, “I have never desired, and no man of common sense in my state has ever desired, to bring the negro into equality with the white man.”

You sound constipated.

Recommended reading material:

Ugly as Sin:  Why They Changed Our Churches from Sacred Places into Meeting Spaces and How We Can Change Them Back Again by Michael S. Rose.

And so my record stands at 5-5 this year. My next game is Tuesday August 15th (the Feast of the Assumption) against that other team that plays baseball in New York.

Go Yankees!

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