Yesterday in the United States a totally naturally-occurring total eclipse of the Sun caused nerds to come out of hiding and parade openly in the streets.
“I haven’t seen so many nerds since I was doing security at a Comic Con” said a guard working in the area of totality.
Normally I don’t like to see so many nerds in one location. There’s always the possibility of a stampede. Nerds have a collective mind and when one panics they all panic. And when nerds panic people get hurt. But so far they’ve all been peaceful. I’m still worried though. I won’t rest until the nerds have dispersed.
One nerd explained why he had traveled a thousand miles to see the solar eclipse.
“Normally I’d be at work but I lack the people skills to hold a job” he said.
I live in my mother’s basement. She’s very nice. When I heard there was going to be a total solar eclipse I packed the Wolverine suitcase I bought at a Comic Con and headed off to the area of totality. I don’t have a girlfriend and have never known the touch of a woman so this total solar eclipse is the closest thing I will ever have to a lover. It’ll be fun. My mother packed some ham and cheese sandwiches! I even have Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler on my iPod. I will play it during the eclipse.
Neil degrasse Tyson, perhaps the greatest scientist who has ever lived, commented on the popularity of the eclipse.
“This has never happened before” said the world’s greatest genius.
The moon passing between the Sun and the Earth? What kind of sorcery is this? There are differing theories as to why this has happened but I think we can all agree that climate change is probably the correct explanation. People are gathering to appease their gods. They are frightened and are asking the god of climate change to stop the rising of the seas.
Many believe the total solar eclipse is Donald Trump’s fault and that he colluded with the Russians to bring it about.
“Is there no evil this man isn’t responsible for?” asked congresswoman Maxine Waters (D-CA).
First he and Putin are colluding to defeat Hillary Clinton. Next he and Putin are hiding the Sun. Sorcery! Sorcery! If this continues Guam will tip over into the Atlantic ocean.
From the White House where President Trump was watching the eclipse with his Jewish daughter (who is rumored to be stealing the Sun and arranging a total eclipse in the West Bank) the President displayed his ignorance and mendacity by calling the eclipse “a wonderful naturally-occurring event.”
After the eclipse was over the hundreds of thousands of nerds who watched the eclipse dispersed to their mother’s basements.
“I haven’t been so excited since David Hasselhoff sent me an autographed picture of him and Kit” said one nerd.
The next total solar eclipse in North America occurs on April 8th, 2024.
Unless Donald Trump and Putin stop it.