Noted crime fighter Spider-Man has passed away of an apparent heart attack at Burger King.
“He was a hero to many” said New York mayor Bill de Blasio.
All New Yorkers owe a debt of gratitude to Spider-Man. His devotion to New York was well known as are his many sacrifices to keep this city crime free. I join our entire city in mourning his loss.
According to witnesses Spider-Man was eating a double bacon cheeseburger with a large order of fries and a large coke when he clutched his chest and muttered, “Should have had the salad” before keeling over.
Though a seasoned and veteran crime fighter Spider-Man had recently struggled with health issues related to his weight gain.
“He put on a lot of weight after he got married” said a source close to Spider-Man.
He had been lovesick for years over his next door neighbor Mary Jane. Always moping about saying “Why doesn’t she love me?” But then when he finally got her and they moved in together, well, let’s just say she liked to cook. I mean she was always cooking these rich dishes. And Spider-Man would eat it all up. He said it reminded him of life with with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Eventually he put on almost 100 pounds. I would tell him that the extra weight wasn’t good and he’d just say “But I’m in love.” In love with plus size portions I’d say.
Along with the weight gain came bouts with hypertension.
“His BP was 200/140 when he came to my office the first time” said his doctor.
I told him he’d have to lose some weight. He just said “The Missus keeps me well-fed.” Then I put him on some blood pressure medication, The medication brought his blood pressure down but unfortunately one of the side effects is dizziness, which isn’t a good thing to have when your swinging above the street.
Another consequence of his weight gain was the inability of the threads he wove to support his weight, leading to the embarrassing incident when the string snapped and Spider-Man plummeted into traffic.
“He hit the side of bus filled with Japanese tourists” said a first responder on the scene.
The poor Japanese were frightened out of their wits. None of them spoke English and instead of seeing the sights of Manhattan they saw Spider-Man’s junk embedded into the window. Some of the Japanese were so traumatized they suffered from temporary blindness. Spider-Man was in a lot of pain. He had glass embedded in his junk. He kept saying “My junk! My superhero junk! Will it still work? I can’t disappoint Mary Jane.”
Fellow superheros reacted to Spider-Man’s death by praising his abilities.
“He really could squirt the sticky stuff” said Batman. “I mean even more than Robin.”
“I admired his flying abilities” said Superman. “Of course he was cheating with the spider fluid stuff but still impressive.”
There will be a memorial this Friday where people will be invited to squirt as much sticky fluid as they can in memory of Spider-Man. Only those over the age of 18 will be allowed into the service.