Enraged that a statue of hatred stood outside New York’s Port Authority in midtown, angry activists took to the streets and attempted to tear it off its pedestal, set it on fire and throw the symbol of intolerance into the East River.
The statue of bus driver Ralph Kramden has stood outside 8th Avenue for years, attracting little attention as busy commuters rushed to and fro. That was until the activist group “Citizens United Against Stuff We Don’t Like” decided it was time to remove it.
“We don’t like stuff. This statue is one of those stuff” said the group’s founder.
Kramden was a wife beater. Neighbors say he beat her so hard it sounded like she was being sent to the moon. He is a symbol of hatred and misogyny. He also lived in an all-white apartment building, worked for a bus company that would not hire peoples of color and belonged to a lodge, The International Loyal Order of Friendly Raccoons, that did not allow members of color. Even the name “raccoon” is racist. Given all that why is this symbol of white supremacy and patriarchy allowed to stand in this progressive city?
The group’s members, all recently graduated or still in college surrounded the offensive symbol of our nation’s past hatred and taunted it, chanting “Hey, ho, patriarchy and misogyny have got to go!” before throwing menstrual blood on it.
Next came the actual dismounting the statue from its base, which proved harder than expected for the college-educated elite group.
First they attempted to topple it with their moral authority.
“By the power of my Ivy League degree I say topple over!” shouted the group’s president.
Perhaps because the statue was patriarchal and would not listen to a woman it refused to be toppled over.
They then tried pushing it over but to no avail.
Seeing it still standing several group members became triggered and called their trigger counselors to tell them about their feelings. They then entered the Port Authority building looking for a safe space. Finding no safe space available many became confused and began weeping.
It was then that a passerby saw the weeping group and asked what was wrong.
“We can’t topple the patriarchy” one member said.
They were then directed to the Port Authority’s office where they put in an official work order to remove the offending symbol of hatred.
As four burly men used tools to remove the statue the groups members cheered.
“This is great. We are using the patriarchy to dismantled the patriarchy!” said one.
With the statue now removed they then went to their group headquarters where they feasted on kale, gluten-free bread and seltzer water while planning their next act of tolerance.
“We are asking that the George Washington Bridge be torn down. George Washington was a cisgender white male slaveholder. He is literally Hitler!”