History’s greatest monster is dead, never again to terrorize America with his alt-right thoughts and anti-environment actions.
Long known and feared for his destruction of trees, local animal life and aggressive, binary sexual expression the evil woodpecker was surrounded and taken out by SWAT teams from the Departments of Interior, Agriculture and the Environmental Protection Agency.
“The struggle is over. The destroyer of worlds Woody Woodpecker is dead” announced Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
No one Federal agency can take the credit for this operation. It is the result of cooperation between many agencies of the Government. Once he was identified as a thought criminal we coordinated our efforts to bring him to justice. I also want to thank the Department of Defense for allowing us to use their satellites and drones to locate and take out Mr. Woodpecker. These events show what our government can do when we cooperate together.
Though the Government had long recognized Mr. Woodpecker as a domestic terrorist the legal justification for his assassination came in a memo drafted by several college professors working with the Feds.
The memo, entitled “Combating the Rise of Animal Extremism and Cisgenderism” detailed Mr. Woodpecker’s crimes.
- Damage to the environment
………the woodpecker seems to spend his entire day burrowing into trees. This results in the death of the said trees, loss of foliage, rising temperatures and sea levels and concomitant destruction of coastland………..
……..he has shown a repeated tendency to disparage a vegan diet. Veganism is peacefulism. The science is settled on this. When offered gluten-free vegan food he will ignore it and continue to eat his normal diet of worms, not to be confused with the Holy Roman Empire’s Diet of Worms which is an entirely different thing altogether……..
- Woodpecker nationalism
…….this woodpecker repeatedly shows the evil in his heart by deprecating the company of other species and only wanting to hang around other woodpeckers leading to his woodpecker nationalism…….
- Cisgender woodpecker sexual expression
…….Mr. Woodpecker has refused to have sex with other male woodpeckers and prefers to strut his male woodpecker organs in front of female woodpeckers, This is dangerous. It is wrong and leads to oppression of gay woodpeckers………
With the legal and moral justification for Mr. Woodpecker’s assassination by Government in place, and assisted by drones, siege was laid on his habitat. Federal forces advanced at a rate of 20 feet a day despite Mr. Woodpecker’s defenses of several rows of cheval-de-frise’s.
As Government forces of righteousness closed in and sensing he was about to be caught Mr. Woodpecker put out a white flag and sought to negotiate, but to no avail.
“There is no negotiating with evil” said the commander of the Department of Interior’s SWAT team.
Nor can we negotiate with evil. Did we negotiate with Hitler? Did we negotiate with Hirohito? Perhaps we should have. It would have ended the war two years earlier and saved hundreds of thousand of lives. But that’s neither here nor there. No. We took out Mr. Woodpecker with extreme prejudice.
Once Mr. Woodpecker had expired his body was flown out over the Pacific and dumped into the ocean.
“We didn’t want a burial site that might have become a pilgrimage for incipient nationalist movements” said Attorney General Sessions.