Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Lena Dunham, star of the critically acclaimed n
o one watches the piece of shit show “Girls”. Miss Dunham is also known for shaming middle class airline employees who were having a private conversation she deemed unprogressive.
MI: Good afternoon Miss Dunham.
LD: Don’t call me Miss. Miss is a term invented by the patriarchy to slut shame single women.
MI: If you insist. What would you prefer to be called?
LD: Zizzhefemmacaltfluid. I believe this accurately describes my gender.
MI: [Under his breath] I though big fat f*ck more accurately described your gender.
LD: What? What was that? Did you just make a transphobic statement?
MI: No. I called you a big, fat f*ck and your big, fat, f*ckism was the result of poor impulse control and shitty lifestyle choices but I did not make a transphobic comment.
LD: Are you sure? I will not tolerate transphobia. I recently turned in some airline employees who expressed transphobic thought.
MI: No. I called you a talentless, lying piece of shit hack, the product of upper west side private boarding schools who’s never had to work an honest day in her soft, privileged life.
LD: All I’m hearing are transphobic insults. I may still have a vagina but I think transphobic comments such as yours reflect badly upon yourself. At this moment in history we should be teaching love and inclusivity. And because I feel deeply about love and inclusivity I will now shame you on social media and try to get you fired, you transphobic hater!
MI: You’re not you when you’re hungry. Have a Snickers bar. Or a hundred Snickers bars.
[A truck offloads thousands of Snickers bars in front of Dunham]
LD: [Grabbing handfuls of Snickers bars and shoving them into her mouth] I should really get back to shaming you on social media for your transphobic views but these Snickers are so delicious.
MI: So let me get this straight.
LD: Straight? That’s another transphobic statement.
MI: Let’s see if I have you correct. You believe in love and inclusivity but you will threaten anyone’s livelihood who expresses an opinion you disagree with?
LD: Yes. I believe it is our duty as Americans living in a free country to report opinions that are not sufficiently progressive and love-filled.
MI: Makes perfect sense to me.
LD: I seem to have eaten all your Snickers bars. Do you have any more?
MI: I’m afraid I’m all out.
LD: Oh. [Pause] Is that your cat?
MI: Yes, why?
LD: Did you raise your cat to be gender neutral?
LD: Why not? You might be raising a transphobic cat. Does she not appreciate that gender is fluid?
MI:I doubt that.
LD: Can I eat your cat?
LD: Here kitty kitty. She looks just like a Snickers bar.
MI: Get away from my cat!
[Manhattan Infidel gets a cattle prod and uses it to stun Lena Dunham]
LD: Is that a transphobic cattle prod?
And so ended my interview with the fat as f*ck snitch Lena Dunham. Beware America. Miss Dunham, much like the NSA, is listening to your conversations and will punish you if you express incorrect thoughts.