Rename this symbol of patriarchy and white supremacy!

Situated in upper Manhattan, the George Washington Bridge connects the borough of Manhattan with New Jersey.

Now it’s bad enough that New Jerseyans have easy access to Manhattan but this bridge is named after a slave holder and white supremacist. While there is no solid evidence that Washington was a Nazi it is only a matter of time before said evidence is uncovered.

I ask you are we going to let a bridge be named after a slaveholder, white supremacist and possible Nazi? No!  Resist!

While my first instinct is to blow up the bridge I realized that more faint-hearted Nazi hunters might balk at that. Therefore I will settle for renaming the bridge after a less offensive and controversial personality.

I now submit a list of names that will be inclusive, progressive and non-Nazi.

• Squeaky Fromme Bridge

I believe that naming this bridge after Squeaky Fromme would sent a message to the entire world that we value gender equality. Before Fromme when one thought of the great assassins one thought of white men. Fromme changed this and proved that women were strong enough to attempt to assassinate the President of the United States. Unfortunately Fromme was cisgender and binary but we can’t have everything. Perhaps the next great female assassin will have a penis.

• Che Guevara Bridge

He’s Hispanic people! Nothing screams “weak, helpless and oppressed” more than Hispanic heritage. What better way to show we value equality than naming the bridge after him. Sure he executed gays and blacks but who can stay mad as someone as sexy as he was?

• Susan Smith Bridge

Known for killing her children, she drove her car into a lake and let them drown. She struck a blow against the patriarchy and its institution of slavery known as marriage. By naming the bridge after her we tell the world we value all 31 genders and believe they are equal.  As an added bonus she will be eligible for parole in 2024 and  I’m sure everyone wants to see her bless her bridge.

• Mohamed Atta Bridge

By naming the bridge after the leader of the 9/11 hijackers we are proving to the world that while we are racist, intolerant and Islamophobic, we are trying to overcome our backwardness and want to be more like our enlightened, progressive European cousins. Bonus: Naming the bridge after a devout Muslim will help bring about peace in the middle east and force that apartheid nation Israel to give back all its land to the rightful owners.

• Josef Stalin Bridge

He hated Nazis and wanted to punch them all. This alone is good reason to name the bridge after him. He established a socialist workers paradise in the Soviet Union. He also liked cats. No not the musical though it is the world’s most thrilling theatrical experience.

• Lemrick Nelson, Jr. Bridge

During the Crown Heights riots of 1991 he stabbed Hasidic student Yankel Rosenbaum to death. Lemrick Nelson is black and it is important that a bridge be named after a black hero. By naming the bridge after him we also put further pressure on Israel. Iran will also take notice and hopefully nuke the apartheid state of Israel for the good of the entire world.

To recap, while Fromme, Smith and Stalin were technically white it is important to point out that none owned slaves, Fromme and Smith were weak, helpless and oppressed women and Stalin had a mustache and was a socialist who hated Nazis. Even Nazis with mustaches.

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