Browsing the blog archives for July, 2017
Local wine-drinking bullfrog Jeremiah has raised the ire of residents and police who are concerned that his drinking is getting out of control. “Don’t get me wrong” said the Chief of Police. We all like Jeremiah. He’s a good friend of mine. And on occasion I have helped him drink his wine. But lately it […]
Casper, known locally as the “friendly ghost” was attacked and brutally beaten today when his path accidentally crossed with an Intersectional Feminist Pride Parade. “He’s lucky to be alive” said a doctor in the Emergency Room who treated the injured ghost. All his ribs were broken and his genitalia had been torn off, which is […]
Being a world famous has its perks. After all who wouldn’t like to avoid all human contact to write and not get paid for it? Sounds fun, right? But sometimes after eight and half years and 2,076 posts even my fertile imagination (I watch a lot of porn) comes up empty. I followed my usual […]
Many Vulcans, who first came to Earth in hopes of non Pon-Farr approved mating are returning to Vulcan, disappointed at their lack of mating success. “Mating only once every seven years may be logical but it is constricting” said one Vulcan. I had heard that humans mate often. Every day. Maybe twice or three times […]
A Ferengi visiting Earth was arrested and charged with stroking his lobes in public, a Class B misdemeanor punishable by a fine of $500 and/or two weeks in jail. The trouble for the Ferengi tourist began after he complained to authorities that the “human females were clothed.” “I didn’t know what to tell him” said […]
Being a blogger it is my sacred duty to make shit up. Satire is the charitable name for it. Free speech is the classical name for it. However recently a dark force of evil has arisen that threatens us all. And that dark force is……erectile dysfunction. No wait. I’m sorry. That dark force of evil […]
Under fire for allegedly drowning a young girl, the Frankenstein Monster tweeted today that he was “profoundly sorry for the incident.” “I take full responsibility” said the Monster. Did you ever just have one of those days? It’s kind of like that. It was early and I was was wandering around in a haze. I […]
The Borg, a species from the Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy, have begun making inroads on Match and eHarmony, prompting both sites to offer “Borg Assimilation” weekends for free. “Confidence is very sexy” said a woman who dated a Borg. And when he told me that resistance was futile I melted. Finally a man who […]
“Baseball has been colluding with the Russians to overthrow America for a long time now. Impeach baseball!” ~ Maxine Waters The slumping Yankees, who haven’t won the last six series welcomed the bastard Canadian Toronto Blue Jays to ‘Murica for a July 4th matinee. The Yankees started CC Sabathia (7-3 3.81) and the damn Canadian […]
Happy pre-Independence Day, or as our masters call it, “Alt-Right White Nationalist Day.” Lately I’ve been wondering what form our second civil war will take. There are two possible scenarios. Scenario One: Much like the last civil war states will secede. California will secede first. (I get it California. You’re embarrassed to be part of […]