Under fire for allegedly drowning a young girl, the Frankenstein Monster tweeted today that he was “profoundly sorry for the incident.”
“I take full responsibility” said the Monster.
Did you ever just have one of those days? It’s kind of like that. It was early and I was was wandering around in a haze. I haven’t had my coffee yet you see. I can’t function without my coffee. So I bump into this little girl and she starts hassling me, asking me to play a game with her. Look I know we have to be kind to kids and all that shit so I humored her for awhile. But what I really wanted was to find the nearest Starbucks. That’s all I wanted. I tried to ask her that but she kept interrupting me and asking me to play another game. I don’t have time for this shit. Without that morning coffee I could kill. Literally. Finally I snapped and threw her in the water. While I appreciate the fact that my apology will not bring their daughter back I ask the parents to forgive me. I also offer my services. I can mow their lawn. I’m pretty tall so if they need me to trim their hedges I can do that as well. I hope this will get the Lord Mayor to call off the villagers with their torches. Fire bad!
Meanwhile the Lord Mayor has called off the mob of torch-wielding citizens, but not because of the Monster’s apology.
“I got in trouble with the EPA” said the Lord Mayor.
They sent some agents to my house and told me that all those torches were damaging the environment. They were giving off too much particulate matter they said. What the f*ck is particulate matter? Seriously they threatened to sue my ass. I told them I needed the torches to burn the Monster. Do you know what they said? They told me to “respect diversity.” Idiots. So I had to ixnay the torches. Too bad. Nothing like setting a monster on fire to make me feel good about myself. So then I thought what about guns? We’ll just shoot the child-killing bastard. But I couldn’t even do that. Turns out we have these safe laws and all the villagers had their guns locked up and the ammo stored separately. Like that makes a lot of f*cking sense. By the time everyone locates their ammo the Monster will be halfway across the country. God I hate the government. Screw it. Let the Monster live and kill again. I’m washing my hands of the whole thing.
As for the Monster himself he thanks the various government agencies for protecting him from the wrath of the villagers.
I just want to say how grateful I am to the EPA and everyone else. Once I have a few cups of coffee in me I’m actually a very nice guy. Except around fire. Fire bad!
He then tweeted a photo of himself drinking coffee.
“See that look of contentment on my face? Only coffee can do that. Well coffee and perhaps a mate. Maybe I’ll find a bride eventually. I hope so. A bride of Frankenstein! We can have Sunday brunch together, read the New York Times and drink coffee. Lots of coffee”