Special prosecutor Robert Mueller has announced that his probe into Russian interference in the 2016 US presidential election has expanded and he is now looking into evidence that God colluded with Russia during the creation of the universe.
“We have asked God for his correspondence and business dealings leading up to the Big Bang” announced Muller.
Anonymous sources close to the investigation say that Mueller has asked God three questions:
- Was the Big Bang an attempt by Russia to influence the course of events?
- Does God have secret business dealings with Russia?
- Was there a quid pro quo? And if so, what
“God is a person of interest” stated Mueller.
God is spiritual. So are easterners. We know that Russians like to use incense, chanting and mystery in their liturgy. Could their divine liturgy be an attempt to curry favor with God? Were they returning a favor? If by answering their prayers was God colluding with Russia? No one knows at the moment. But it makes sense that we look into it.
Lawyers for God deny any collusion with Russia
“Our client God has contacts throughout the Earth” stated God’s team of lawyers.
He may have met privately with top Russian officials but this does not mean there was a special relationship. Nor does God feel it was necessary to disclose these contacts to American authorities. Frankly we feel the Americans have developed a fever of some sort and wish to blame God for a natural outcome.
On The View, co-host Joy Behar threw down the gauntlet and asked for God’s impeachment.
Everybody knows the Beatles are more popular than God. Every year the Beatles win the popular vote. Yet as I walk around this town I see so-called churches dedicated to the so-called God. This is not normal. This is not natural. There is only one way this could have happened. God cheats. Russia wants America to worship God because the worship of God makes a people weak. If only we had churches dedicated to the Beatles perhaps we’d once again be the leaders of the free world. I support Robert Mueller. God must be impeached!
Rumors are rampant that many of God’s close associates, such as Peter, James and John have met with Putin. Indeed John is said to have foretold the coming of Putin with the following passage:
Behold, he is coming amid the clouds, riding shirtless on a bear
and every eye will see him,
even those who pierced him.
All the peoples of the earth will lament him.
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the one who is shirtless riding on a bear and who was and who is to come, the almighty. shirtless killer of bears.
Until God complies with the subpoena all of God’s property in the United States will be turned over to Federal authorities.
“We’d rather not have to do this” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “But we must get to the bottom of any possible collusion.“
Perhaps in retaliation God has announced a “shitload of rain” for parts of Texas.