Scandal has rocked the staid world aboard the Enterprise as the ship’s chief medical officer, Doctor Leonard McCoy announced that he has no training in medicine and is in fact a mechanic back on Earth.
McCoy was first unmasked when Star Fleet asked him to renew his credentials.
“He just looked at me and said “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a mechanic” said the Enterprise’s captain James Kirk.
But then I told that this was an order and that he had to re-certify himself. He just shrugged his shoulders and repeated the line about not being a mechanic. He was always saying that. In retrospect I think he was trying to tell us something. I should have known he wasn’t a real doctor that time he told me I had advanced arthritis. Me? Jim Kirk with arthritis? I still have a full range of motion and am quite bendy. Just ask the ladies.
Once McCoy admitted that he couldn’t re-certify since he wasn’t certified in the first place a team of inspectors arrived on the Enterprise and combed the medical bridge.
“The crew here has to be the dumbest ever” said a Star Fleet official.
It took three years for them to realize that he wasn’t a real doctor and that the equipment he used to examine them was nothing more than salt shakers? Careers are going to end over this. Though I guess I should have realized sooner as well. All his medical reports sent to Star Fleet only contained three words: “He’s dead, Jim.” At first I didn’t mind. When you have to read reports all day you appreciate succinctness. But every report?
Nurse Christine Chapel, head nurse about the Enterprise has also come under fire for her incompetence in not realizing McCoy was a fake.
We spent hours questioning her about McCoy. Did she suspect he wasn’t a real doctor? Do you know what she said? “I had confidence in his judgement. When he said a man was dead by golly they were dead. And you just can’t teach that.” Then she left to go make plomeek soup for the pointy-eared science officer who she apparently has the hots for. Is everyone on board this ship crazy?
When confronted with the evidence McCoy admitted that he was not a doctor.
“I knew they’d find out eventually” said McCoy.
I kept telling them I wasn’t a mechanic. Every day. You’d think they’d realize I was trying to confess. I am a mechanic! Back on earth I’m a mechanic at a gas station in LaGrange, New York at the corner of Noxon and Titusville roads. But a mechanic is hard work and not very glamorous. Certainly mechanics don’t get much pussy. So when a cousin of mine joined Star Fleet I decided to pretend I was a doctor. I figured it would be glamorous, I wouldn’t have to work too hard and women would come crawling to me. Well two out of three ain’t bad. Most of the women Kirk was banging. I couldn’t even get Nurse Chapel. She only had eyes for the green-blooded son of a bitch.
Now that he has confessed McCoy has been banned from all Star Fleet property and will be sent back to Earth.
“I guess it’s back to being a mechanic again. I just hope the shop gives me my old job back.”