Doctor McCoy Admits He’s Actually a Mechanic!

You think they would have figured it out before now

Scandal has rocked the staid world aboard the Enterprise as the ship’s chief medical officer, Doctor Leonard McCoy announced that he has no training in medicine and is in fact a mechanic back on Earth.

McCoy was first unmasked when Star Fleet asked him to renew his credentials.

“He just looked at me and said “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a mechanic” said the Enterprise’s captain James Kirk.

But then I told that this was an order and that he had to re-certify himself. He just shrugged his shoulders and repeated the line about not being a mechanic. He was always saying that. In retrospect I think he was trying to tell us something. I should have known he wasn’t a real doctor that time he told me I had advanced arthritis. Me? Jim Kirk with arthritis? I still have a full range of motion and am quite bendy. Just ask the ladies.

Once McCoy admitted that he couldn’t re-certify since he wasn’t certified in the first place a team of inspectors arrived on the Enterprise and combed the medical bridge.

“The crew here has to be the dumbest ever” said a Star Fleet official.

It took three years for them to realize that he wasn’t a real doctor and that the equipment he used to examine them was nothing more than salt shakers? Careers are going to end over this. Though I guess I should have realized sooner as well. All his medical reports sent to Star Fleet only contained three words: “He’s dead, Jim.” At first I didn’t mind. When you have to read reports all day you appreciate succinctness. But every report?

Nurse Christine Chapel, head nurse about the Enterprise has also come under fire for her incompetence in not realizing McCoy was a fake.

We spent hours questioning her about McCoy. Did she suspect he wasn’t a real doctor? Do you know what she said? “I had confidence in his judgement. When he said a man was dead by golly they were dead. And you just can’t teach that.”  Then she left to go make plomeek soup for the pointy-eared science officer who she apparently has the hots for. Is everyone on board this ship crazy?

When confronted with the evidence McCoy admitted that he was not a doctor.

“I knew they’d find out eventually” said McCoy.

I kept telling them I wasn’t a mechanic. Every day. You’d think they’d realize I was trying to confess. I am a mechanic! Back on earth I’m a mechanic at a gas station in LaGrange, New York at the corner of Noxon and Titusville roads. But a mechanic is hard work and not very glamorous. Certainly mechanics don’t get much pussy. So when a cousin of mine joined Star Fleet I decided to pretend I was a doctor. I figured it would be glamorous, I wouldn’t have to work too hard and women would come crawling to me. Well two out of three ain’t bad. Most of the women Kirk was banging. I couldn’t even get Nurse Chapel. She only had eyes for the green-blooded son of a bitch.

Now that he has confessed McCoy has been banned from all Star Fleet property and will be sent back to Earth.

“I guess it’s back to being a mechanic again. I just hope the shop gives me my old job back.”


My Exclusive Interview With Jeff Zucker

This is CNN, the most trusted name in fake news

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing the head of CNN, Jeff Zucker.

As many of you many of you may know CNN is currently embroiled in a scandal involving a story they ran on a Russian investment fund with ties to Trump officials. The story has since proven false and those involved in the story, Thomas Frank, who wrote the story in question; Eric Lichtblau, an editor in the unit; and Lex Haris, who oversaw the unit, have all left CNN.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Zucker.

JZ: Good afternoon inconsequential blogger who has never had dinner at expensive restaurants with the elite of America.

MI:Um. Right. Let’s get right to the story my readers want to know about. You are the head of CNN

JZ:The most trusted name in news.

MI: CNN published a story last week about an investment firm with ties to the Trump administration. This story has since proven to be false and three CNN employees had to resign. Would you care to comment on this?

JZ: Sean Spicer is a coward and he should open up the press briefings to cameras.

MI: Okay back to my question. The story was retracted and CNN employees had to resign because the story did not meet CNN’s editorial standards. What exactly are CNN’s editorial standards?

JZ: An excellent question. I’m surprised a non-elite working class blogger such as yourself has the intelligence to think of it.

MI: Wait. Did you just call me –

JZ:  At CNN we pride ourselves on having the highest editorial standards.

MI: What exactly is CNN’s process for determining whether to run with a story?

JZ: It’s quite simple really. So simple even an non-elite such as yourself could understand. Any story that will embarrass Republicans or Donald Trump has to have exactly one anonymous source. Zero sources are even better. Sometimes we go out of our way to create stories.

MI: Create stories? How?

JZ:  Let me give you an example. We paid that guy to hang out around the ballfield in Virginia that the Republicans practiced on. We were hoping he’d catch those alt-right white nationalists having sex with each other. Instead he decided to shoot them. A nice touch. And you know what’s even nicer? That alt-right nationalist cisgender Steve Scalise was saved by a femqueer.

MI: What? So you make stuff up.

JZ: If that’s what you deplorables call it. We are the most trusted name in news.

MI: You paid James Hodgkinson to case out the ballfield and you never suspected he’d shoot the place up?

JZ: Like I said it was a nice touch.

MI: This is amazing.

JZ: Hold on. My phone is going off. [Answers phone].  Really?  Really? Run with it! Run with the story! We have to break with this story before MSNBC does!

MI: Breaking news?

JZ: We have zero anonymous sources who say that Trump is a Romulan spy and Melania is a transsexual. Oh boy! This is going to bring down his presidency. And CNN broke the story first!  Sorry but I have to cut this short. I’m needed in the newsroom.

[Zucker leaves]

MI:  Okay well bye then. I’ll just finish up here.

You know I wish I were an elite and not a deplorable. Then I’d understand the ways of the mainstream media. I’ll guess I’ll just have to settle for being the most trusted name in news.


My Exclusive Interview with Johnny Depp

I’m not good with money

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing A-list Hollywood actor and heartthrob Johnny Depp.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Depp.

JD: When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?

MI: Um, 1865. Why?

JD: I think we need to do it again.

MI: Are you calling for the assassination of President Trump.

JD: Yes. I mean no. It’s just a bad joke. But if someone did want to assassinate the president I could pay them. I have the budget for it.

MI: Let’s talk about that. You are currently embroiled in a lawsuit with your former management company and they in turn are countersuing you.

JD: Yes.  They bankrupted me.

MI: Not according to them. I’m going to quote from one of their documents:  “…I need to be able to sit with you on your return from this trip, and before you leave for France, so that we can talk about where we are financially, what we have borrowed in order to sustain ourselves, what we have had to do to obtain those borrowings, what is now necessary to pay those borrowings back and, finally, to look realistically at income and expenses and to work together on how to make sure that these are back in balance.”

JD: So? I’m Johnny Depp. I have a lifestyle to maintain. My public expects it. Are you saying I should reduce my expenses and live a more modest lifestyle? I’m Johnny F*cking Demp asshole.

MI: Let’s go through your expenses. You spend a reported two million a month. This includes 30,000 a month for buying and importing wine.

JD:  I don’t drink the cheap stuff. I’m sure you can relate.

MI: Not really. But couldn’t you just buy your wine locally?  It’ll be much cheaper.

JD: [Pause] What are you? Middle class?

MI: Okay moving along you also spend 200,000 a month on private jets. Now this was a bone of contention. Your management wanted you to give up the private jets. Let me quote your response: “But, regarding the plane situation… I don’t have all that many options at the moment. A commercial flight with paparazzi in tow would be a f–king nightmare of monumental proportions.”  You couldn’t fly commercial?

JD: [Sigh] You middle class people just don’t understand anything about maintaining a lifestyle. I have to budget for that.

MI: You also spend $300,000 a month for a staff of 40 people. You have 40 people working for you. Do you really need a staff of 40? What the hell do they do for you?

JD: They bring me stuff.

MI: Like?

JD: [Pause} Perrier.

MI: Perrier?

JD: Yes. [Pause] Perrier.

MI: How much [pause] Perrier are we talking about?

JD: Stevie Nicks “I’ve snorted so much Perrier I’ve lost the cartilage on my nose” levels of [pause] Perrier.

MI: Isn’t there anything you can do to reduce costs and stay within a budget?

JD: I’m thinking of switching to crack Perrier. It’ll reduce my monthly expenses to 1.5 million.

MI: I think you’re missing the point.

JD: Speaking of points I just bought a ball point pen for ten million.

MI: For god’s sake why?

JD: I don’t remember. I was snorting a lot of Perrier at the time.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

JD: Time? Are you talking about Time magazine or time itself? Because I bought both. Only cost me 75 million.

MI: I’m out of here.

JD: Don’t take any of my Perrier when you leave!

And so ended my interview with the overextended, can’t stay within a budget and Perrier-using A-list actor Johnny Depp. You know I am not without sympathy for Depp. Perrier is very expensive.


A History of FBI Briefings (As Composed by the Impartial Hand of Manhattan Infidel)

FBI: We know what we are doing!

By now many have had a chance to review the FBI’s findings on the shooting of Republican congressman Steve Scalise. Even though the shooter had a paper with the names of Republican congressman, even though he staked out the ballfield for days beforehand, even though he asked if a Republican or Democratic team was practicing and even though he had mapped out the DC area and lived in a van by the ballfield, the FBI believes it was a random act of violence and that the shooter did not intend to target Republicans.

I know many of you were thinking the same thing about the FBI’s findings as I was: Why this stinks more than the last five movies made by M. Night Shyamalan!

Being the impartial, professional mainstream media source that I am I decided to look at some other FBI briefings to see if I could detect a pattern.

FBI Briefing on the Attack on Pearl Harbor, 1941

This briefing, held a week after the attack, sought to reassure a still battered nation. Among the FBI’s findings were:

  • The Japanese Navy had “no concrete plan to inflict violence” against the U.S. Navy stationed at Pearl Harbor.
  • The FBI “had not yet clarified who, if anyone, the Japanese Navy planned to target, or why.”
  • The FBI believed that the Japanese Navy may have just “happened upon” the fleet at Pearl Harbor and spontaneously decided to drop bombs.
  • The FBI believed that photographs taken of Pearl Harbor by Japanese spies represented “no surveillance of intended targets.”
  • Believes the Japanese Navy was filled with “down on their luck pilots with few future prospects. Hence the anger of the attack.”

FBI Briefing on the Assassination of Abraham Lincoln

This briefing, strangely held 43 years before the founding of the FBI, came up with the following conclusions:

  • John Wilkes Booth was a “down on his luck actor” and shot Lincoln for the free publicity.
  • While Booth was a southern sympathizer and a Democrat he did not target Lincoln for political reasons.
  • Contrary to reports Booth did not say “Sic Semper Tyrannis” after shooting the Lincoln. What he actually said was “Republicans need to tone down their rhetoric.”
  • Lincoln may actually have requested Booth shoot him. “My wife is ugly and crazy so just shoot me now” witnesses report the President saying.
  • Lincoln had a funny beard and this may have enraged the dapper, mustachio’d Booth.

FBI Briefing on the Destruction of the Galactic Empire’s Death Star

The FBI held that the destruction was the empire’s fault.

  • The Rebel Alliance was angered by the Empire’s heated rhetoric.
  • Luke Skywalker wanted to blow up the Death Star because his father was on board and he hated the institution of the patriarchy.
  • Luke Skywalker was non-binary and gender fluid. Hence his extreme anger towards the cisgender Darth Vader.
  • Chewbacca was probably gay.
  • Princess Leia would make a great leader of the Galactic Empire if it weren’t for the ingrained sexism of the Empire’s fly-over voters.

After reviewing these briefings I can honestly say that we are in the best of hands and we can totally trust the FBI.


Yankees Defeat Rangers After Two Hour Rain Delay in Extra Innings in The Battle of the Japanese Superstars!

“So one of my supporters shot a Republican. Russian interference in our election will do that” ~ Bernie Sanders

A rainy night in the Bronx

Coming off a recent rough patch where they lost eight out of nine games the Yankees started a homestand against the Texas Rangers Friday night. It was the battle of the Japanese superstars as the Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (5-7 5.74) and the Rangers Yu Darvish (6-5 3.35).

But first the rain had to stop.  After a nearly two-hour rain delay the game finally started shortly before 9 pm. Both starting pitchers were unhittable. It was good old-fashioned baseball the way it was meant to be played.

Yu Darvish pitched seven innings of shutout ball while striking out ten and Tanaka pitched 8 innings of shutout ball striking out nine. The first run scored was in the top of the ninth. Arnoldis Chapman gave up a single to  Elvis “Has Left the Building” Andrus. He then moved to second when Nomar Mazara was hit by a pitch. Andrus then stole 3rd and scored on a pass ball.  1-0 Texas after 8 1/2.

Would this be the end? Would the Yankees blow a recently rare good pitching performance by Tanaka?

Have no fear. Brett Gardner is here!  In the bottom of the ninth he hit a home run to tie the score. So we were going into extra innings.

Brett Gardner ties it in the bottom of the ninth!

The Yankees finally won it in the bottom of the tenth when unsung hero Ronald Torreyes singled home Gary Sanchez. Final score 2-1 Yankees. Game ending time:  12:27 am.

Matt Bush (2-3 3.38) took the loss for Texas while Chasen Shreve (2-1 1.74) was the winning pitcher for the Yankees.

Notes on the game:

As mentioned earlier there was a two-hour rain delay.

Fun things to do at Yankee Stadium during a rain delay:

  1. Approach a ten-year old kid and say “Your mom is hot! Is she into it?”  Hey, it’s not your fault if the kid starts crying.
  2. Start a sing-a-long. I suggest Rodgers and Hammerstein: “Oh the farmer and the cowman should be friends……”  
  3. When at the urinal point to the penis of the man in the next urinal and say, “You should see a doctor about that.”  Now there may be nothing wrong with the man’s penis but, and this is important, you’ve planted a seed of doubt in his mind.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “In a RAID configuration multiple disks are combined together to improve performance, reliability or both” didn’t fire up the crowd.  I bet you don’t even know what RAID stands for you savages.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “She could not confederate, even with the independent, free-trading island of Manhattan.”

Hey, watch it, sir!

C.H.E. of filthy, fetid, foggy, humid, alligator-overrun Florida writes, “The moneyed men of New York  would say the credit of the government had been violated.”

Well you know we moneyed New Yorkers. We’ll say anything to get you to sleep with us. Hey, you said violate. You brought it up. And I do mean “brought it up.” Wink wink.

M.P.A. the notorious confederate sympathizer who may be going over to the other side writes, “I present a petition of legal voters of Oswego County, New York remonstrating against any legislation under or by which the local institution of slavery may be extended into any of the Territories of the United States, whether south or north of the old Missouri compromise line.”

You said “legal voters.” Why are you so anti-immigrant you racist!

Recommended reading material:

The Barnburners: A Study of the Internal Movements in the History of New York State and of the Resulting Changes in Political Affiliation, 1830-1852 by Herbert D.A. Donovan, Ph.D.

My record stands at 4-3 this year. My next game is Tuesday July 4th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

That’s right. This white nationalist is going to celebrate our Independence Day with a baseball game. You can’t get more American than that. So suck it liberals.

Oh, and if things go right the Yankees will beat a Canadian team. Damn Canada. Like that’s a real country!

Go Yankees!


Dracula Fired From Position as Emergency Medical Technician!

I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, visitor from exotic eastern Europe, his life rapidly spiraling out control, lost another job today. This marks two jobs lost since his earlier aborted stint in rehab.

“What can I say? I shouldn’t have hired him in the first place but I felt sorry for him” said the EMT supervisor.

He told me that he had just been fired from 7-Eleven and that he was desperate. As an EMT we deal with blood a lot so I asked him if he had any experience with blood. He smiled and said “The blood is the life.” That’s a bit metaphysical I guess but good enough. So I hired him. First we had to move a guy from the night shift to days to make room for the Count. He insisted on being called the Count. Don’t ask me why but he’s eastern European and you know how they are.

It was clear from the beginning that Count Dracula was not going to mesh well with his fellow EMTs.

He liked wearing his cape and tux while in the ambulance. Our other technicians though he was trying to show them up with his superior eastern European ways. If that wasn’t bad enough he would insist that the ambulance stop along the side of the road every now and then while he got out. He would put his hand up to his ear and say “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” Hey, so the guy liked wildlife. Who doesn’t? But being an EMT means responding to emergencies quickly. You don’t stop ambulance to bond with animals.

Also the Count’s private life occasionally interfered with his duties.

His lover Renfield was always dropping by. He was creepy. Said he liked rats. “Thousands of them.” He also called the Count “Master” and seemed very submissive. I think they had some weird sexual dom-sub thing going on. All the other EMTs used to joke about it.

Most troubling was Dracula’s reaction to blood.

He was always volunteering to do blood transfusions. Only he would never do it. Instead he would just drink the blood. We almost had a few patients die because he was drinking the blood supply meant for them. I finally had to write him up for that. He seemed contrite and promised to not do it again. As a supervisor it’s my job to encourage my crew and get the most out of them so that’s when I decided to invite him to dinner to get to know him better.

It was at this dinner that Dracula was finally terminated.

He started telling me about his childhood and early life back in eastern Europe. He seemed to miss it. I asked him why he just doesn’t go back. He just shook his head sadly and said, “The place has been overrun with Muslims.” That’s when I fired him. There is no room for Islamophobia in the EMT department! We pride ourselves on being progressive and diverse. How was I to know he was an alt-right racist? I really should have vetted him more. 

Now exposed and disgraced as an alt-right racist and Islamophobe Count Dracula was last seen thumbing for a ride along the side of the highway.

The EMT supervisor has vowed never to hire another eastern European.

“You know how they are!”


World Watches in Horror as Georgia’s 6th Congressional District Doesn’t Vote for Candidate Their Hollywood Masters Told Them to Vote For!

Why? Why do we keep losing? I blame white people!

With the eyes of the world upon it and with the chance to prove that they weren’t ignorant red necks, Georgia’s 6th Congressional District instead voted for a woman.

In Hollywood, the masters of America reacted angrily to the loss.

“What the hell is wrong with America?” asked  director Josh Whedon.

Hillary Clinton was right. America is nothing but a basket of deplorables. They had the chance to vote for a wealthy white man like me. A man who’s been to California. An enlightened man. Instead they voted for a woman!  A mere woman! A woman who has never had an abortion? A woman who has never worn a pussy hat?  What type of people vote for someone like that?

Katy Perry wondered aloud if perhaps the voting machines had been hacked by Russians.

We know the Russians cannot be trusted when a Republican is in the White House. Perhaps their tricky KGB agents used their computer knowledge to somehow, I don’t know, “hack” into the machines and pull the lever for the fat white woman who’s never worn a pussy hat? What? Voting machines are not on a network and have no access to the internet? Oh that’s just like you deplorables. Always trying to confuse me with facts.

But perhaps the strongest reaction came from actress Alyssa Milano who had actually spent time and canvassed in the 6th district.

I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe it. Do you know how many blow jobs I’ve given out in that damn district? I’ve blown school kids. I’ve blown seniors. I’ve blown Methodists. Hell I’ve even carpet munched their old wives. I’ve sucked more dick in Georgia than George Takei. And this is how Georgia repays me? I even swallowed for them. This (the election result) has devastated me. I’m never sucking dick again. Unless it’s for a role of course.

The president of the Republic of Georgia,Giorgi Margvelashvili, announced that he will be introducing a resolution to change the name of his country to the Republic of Jon Ossoff.

I feel shame. Deep shame that we share a name with this racist and backward state. They elected a woman! Why? I only hope that the European Union or the United Nations will declare war on the United States. I also invite George Clooney and his lovely Muslim wife to visit our country. We have many Muslims in Georgia and [EXPLOSION].

However the root cause of Ossoff’s loss may be in the large number of Democratic voters who still live with their parents. Said one Democratic pollster:

So many of our core demographic of 27 to 35 year olds still live with their parents. And it’s difficult to contact them to get them to go out and vote. Why was it difficult? The parents of course. For some reason having your 35 year old living in your basement tends to make parents angry. I blame capitalism.

The final word belongs to the defeated candidate, Jon Ossoff himself.

“I’m just glad I didn’t lose by one vote because as you know I do not even life in the 6th district so couldn’t vote for myself.”


Dracula Fired From Job as Night Counterperson at 24 Hour 7-Eleven!

I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, recently out of rehab and seeking to get back on his feet, was fired today from his job as night counterperson at 7-Eleven.

The Count has only been working at 7-Eleven for a couple of weeks and seemed to be doing a good job before his abrupt termination.

“I really hated to let him go” said the franchise owner.

It’s tough finding people who want to work the overnight shift. It’s a lot more responsibility and I don’t like putting kids on that shift. They either sleep through it or get drunk and bang their girlfriends on the counter. But the Count, he insisted I call him the Count, specifically asked to work nights. He said he had personal reasons for preferring that shift. Hey who am I to judge. Besides he’s from eastern Europe and you know how they are. Anyway he looked very mature and responsible.  So before his first shift I told him that, god forbid, if there was ever a robbery I had a shotgun under the counter. He just looks at me and says “I….have other ways of defending myself.”  So I figure he’s carrying a knife. I don’t know maybe he’s half eastern European and half Puerto Rican or something.

The first sign that the Count might not be working out was a string of robberies at the 7-Eleven.

We have four robberies his first week.  That’s more than I’ve had in years. Every time the police would call me and I’d go to the store and there’d be a dead perp on the floor with marks in his neck. Okay so the Count was using his knife to slice the jugular I guess. I never had a chance to find out. He’s always leave before the sun came up. He told me he was frightened of the sun. I don’t know maybe he’s also part Irish? Anyway I figure it’s just a bad streak for my store. But then I started noticing that sales at night were way down. I mean we were getting no money in the till.  Perhaps the Count is stealing? That’s when I decided to look at the security tapes.

What he discovered shocked him.

It turns out they weren’t robberies. The Count was attacking all the customers. He’d grab them and start biting their neck. Some would get away but others would just collapse on the floor in their own blood. Now I’m a pretty tolerant man. I’ve had gay employees, trans employees, hell even Presbyterians. But killing customers? That’s just going to get me bad reviews on Yelp. So I shitcanned his ass. The Count got all upset and threatened to “suck the blood out of me.” I told him too late. The wife and kids had already done that. Then he threatened revenge. He also asked if I could visit the store at night so he could get me. I laughed and said “I only work days, loser.” The last I saw of him he was waiting for the bus.

After closing for a day to steam clean any residual blood off the floor he has reopened his 7-Eleven.

“You know what?  I’m never hiring another eastern European. I’ve heard they were strange but I never suspected they were that strange.”


Lieutenant Kojak Accused of Sexual Harassment!

Who loves ya baby? What? I meant that theologically!

Lieutenant Theo Kojak of Manhattan’s 11th precinct has come under fire for repeated allegations of sexual harassment.  Kojak was once considered a rising star in the NYPD. If true, these allegations could derail the detective’s career.

According to reports Lt. Kojak has been placed on modified assignment while the investigation is ongoing.

“We’ve had our eye on him for awhile now” said a source deep within the NYPD’s Human Resources Department.

He’s what you call “old school.”  You know. Cisgender. Binary. Believes men have the right to pursue women. He doesn’t seem to understand that this is the 21st century. He can’t go around with a lollipop, itself a symbol of sexual domination, in his mouth while asking the secretaries “Who loves you, baby?”

A secretary at One Police Plaza who had frequent dealings with the lieutenant tells of one such run-in.

I am a modern career woman. I’ve been to college. I own a pussy hat and I demand respect. And here comes Kojak with his white male gaze and shaved head. No doubt he shaved it to remind me of his penis. He comes along all cisgender-like with a lollipop in his mouth and leers at me. He leans right over my desk and says “Who loves you, baby?” I was shocked!  I was so threatened I ran to my safe space and cried.

Kojak for his part claims it was all an innocent misunderstanding.

“I’m Greek and very proud of my heritage” the under investigation detective said.

When I told this secretary, yeah she’s a secretary not a damn administrative assistant, “Who loves you, baby” I meant it theologically. I was trying to tell her that God loved her. Is that so difficult for people to understand? Jeesh. You’d think I sent her pictures of my penis from my iPhone. Which I haven’t, by the way.  Okay maybe one tasteful photo of me in a bathing suit.

Who loves ya, baby?

But I was just trying to show her that I still met the Department’s minimum physical standards and that I should be promoted.

In addition to his problems with female coworkers Kojak is being investigated for his crime fighting techniques.

“Let’s just say his methods didn’t jibe with the political climate” said Kojak’s boss, Captain Frank McNeil.

He actually believed it was his job to put criminals behind bars. Criminals. He used that insensitive word. This isn’t the 1990s. A racist like Guiliani isn’t in office anymore. We have a new mayor, a compassionate mayor. He has turned this city around. We have a new policing paradigm. Crime happens because of institutional white racism. If we see a person of color committing a crime we don’t arrest them. We try to understand them. Theo didn’t like this. He believed it was his mission to keep the streets safe. What is safety?  Safety is having a safe space. A bald man with a lollipop in his mouth does not create feelings of safety.

A final nail in the Lieutenant’s career may be his body shaming of squad member, Detective Stavros.  Stavros, who is rotund, has gone on record as saying that Kojak has repeatedly called him “Fatso.”

Kojak plans to vigorously defend himself at the Departmental hearing.

“I don’t know. Maybe I should have been a fireman. I wouldn’t have these problems. Carrying a large hose in my hands and squirting it all over the place. How can I get in trouble for that?”


Count Dracula Enters Rehab!

I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, visiting these shores from exotic eastern Europe, has entered rehab to treat his overwhelming thirst for blood.

Those who know the Count say that, while he was always eccentric, he had recently starting asking them if they knew of any underground “blood parties.”

“We didn’t want to say anything” said one friend.

He’s eastern European and you know how they are. But a blood party? Is that what the kids are doing nowadays? In my day we smoked pot and made out. He said he had heard of underground blood parties where people go to drink blood. Hey, whatever floats your boat as long as it isn’t nicotine. My wife works at the local community college so she asked around and found out where the blood parties were. We told the Count and he thanked us.

Once informed of the location of an underground “blood party” the Count showed up and tried to blend in with the college kids. He wasn’t successful.

“We all wondered where this old man came from” said a sorority freshman at one of the parties.

I mean we’re all 18, 19, 20. Hot young college kids. Here is this old man wearing a cape who would just stare creepily at us. I asked him how old he was and he told me he was “older than civilization itself.” Now I’m not good at math but I think that means he’s in his 50s. We were all just trying to hang out, relax with some chill vibes and drink some blood. He goes around to all the girls, extends his arm and says “I command you!”  What the f*ck? I’m not sucking his d*ck.  Well, if he wants to be my sugar daddy that’s different. Then I will. But not before then.

Some of the male attendees at the “blood parties” complained to their RAs about the Count and eventually the location of the parties was changed and kept secret.

Unable to find satisfy his blood craving at the parties any longer the Count took to biting people on the neck.

“I was walking down the street trying to get to work when he approached me from behind and bit me” said a victim.

So I started screaming “rape, rape!” That’s when he told me he didn’t want to rape me he just wanted to drink my blood. I looked at him and said “What are you? Eastern European or something?” Then I maced him and waited for the cops.

Arrested, Dracula spent the weekend in jail before his arraignment.

“We really didn’t know what to do with him” said the judge.

Normally I’d throw his ass in jail but I heard he was eastern European and you know how they are. So instead I sentenced him to a stint in rehab. He didn’t seem to happy with that and said that my soul was under his command. That’s when I had the court officers beat him up.


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Count Dracula has been thrown out of rehab.

“We give everyone a blood test when they arrive” said a nurse at the rehab center.

“And what does he do but try and bite my neck and suck my blood. Biting someone’s neck with intent to suck their blood is prohibited here. That and nicotine.”