Lieutenant Kojak Accused of Sexual Harassment!

Who loves ya baby? What? I meant that theologically!

Lieutenant Theo Kojak of Manhattan’s 11th precinct has come under fire for repeated allegations of sexual harassment.  Kojak was once considered a rising star in the NYPD. If true, these allegations could derail the detective’s career.

According to reports Lt. Kojak has been placed on modified assignment while the investigation is ongoing.

“We’ve had our eye on him for awhile now” said a source deep within the NYPD’s Human Resources Department.

He’s what you call “old school.”  You know. Cisgender. Binary. Believes men have the right to pursue women. He doesn’t seem to understand that this is the 21st century. He can’t go around with a lollipop, itself a symbol of sexual domination, in his mouth while asking the secretaries “Who loves you, baby?”

A secretary at One Police Plaza who had frequent dealings with the lieutenant tells of one such run-in.

I am a modern career woman. I’ve been to college. I own a pussy hat and I demand respect. And here comes Kojak with his white male gaze and shaved head. No doubt he shaved it to remind me of his penis. He comes along all cisgender-like with a lollipop in his mouth and leers at me. He leans right over my desk and says “Who loves you, baby?” I was shocked!  I was so threatened I ran to my safe space and cried.

Kojak for his part claims it was all an innocent misunderstanding.

“I’m Greek and very proud of my heritage” the under investigation detective said.

When I told this secretary, yeah she’s a secretary not a damn administrative assistant, “Who loves you, baby” I meant it theologically. I was trying to tell her that God loved her. Is that so difficult for people to understand? Jeesh. You’d think I sent her pictures of my penis from my iPhone. Which I haven’t, by the way.  Okay maybe one tasteful photo of me in a bathing suit.

Who loves ya, baby?

But I was just trying to show her that I still met the Department’s minimum physical standards and that I should be promoted.

In addition to his problems with female coworkers Kojak is being investigated for his crime fighting techniques.

“Let’s just say his methods didn’t jibe with the political climate” said Kojak’s boss, Captain Frank McNeil.

He actually believed it was his job to put criminals behind bars. Criminals. He used that insensitive word. This isn’t the 1990s. A racist like Guiliani isn’t in office anymore. We have a new mayor, a compassionate mayor. He has turned this city around. We have a new policing paradigm. Crime happens because of institutional white racism. If we see a person of color committing a crime we don’t arrest them. We try to understand them. Theo didn’t like this. He believed it was his mission to keep the streets safe. What is safety?  Safety is having a safe space. A bald man with a lollipop in his mouth does not create feelings of safety.

A final nail in the Lieutenant’s career may be his body shaming of squad member, Detective Stavros.  Stavros, who is rotund, has gone on record as saying that Kojak has repeatedly called him “Fatso.”

Kojak plans to vigorously defend himself at the Departmental hearing.

“I don’t know. Maybe I should have been a fireman. I wouldn’t have these problems. Carrying a large hose in my hands and squirting it all over the place. How can I get in trouble for that?”


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