Wonder Woman Petitions Justice League for Uniform Change!

This uniform seemed like a good idea at the time

Wonder Woman, one of the founding members of the Justice League, has petitioned the board of directors for permission to change her uniform to something “more demure.

“I’m proud of my work in the Justice League” said Wonder Woman.

I’m proud to be associated with such fine people as the Green Lantern, the Flash, Batman and Superman. Not so much Aquaman. He’s a dork but he had loads of cash so we needed him to bankroll the League. We fight evil. We make the world safe. And that’s something I’m very proud to do. But this uniform? Not very practical. Do you know how much time I waste every morning making sure my legs are shaved?  I have to do that now. And we don’t always fight evil where it’s warm. When I’m battling evil and it’s cold my nipples poke out and are visible beneath my, well, breastplate. I don’t know. Perhaps that’s the reason they (the other Justice League members) chose this uniform for me. I hope not though.

Wonder Woman’s petition for a uniform change has sent a ripple of shock waves and panic throughout the halls of the Justice League

“What the hell. Does that bitch know what she’s going to do to us” said the Justice League’s Chief Financial Officer Batman.

Does she know anything about running a business? Of course not. She’s just a woman. There are significant startup costs. And then there is establishing the brand name. That’s where Wonder Woman’s outfit comes in. It’s supposed to titillate. She has a nice rack so why not use it to our advantage? People see her and say, “Oh yeah, she’s from that Justice League I’ve heard about.” And that’s how we get business. They remember her in the revealing outfit, remember she’s with the Justice League and then use us for their evil-fighting needs. It’s nothing personal about it. I respect Wonder Women. She’s great at fighting evil. She also is an attractive woman with a nice body. I’m just using our available assets. I will be voting against the uniform change. If she starts wearing something less revealing or, god forbid, a pantsuit, we will be bankrupt in a matter of months.

The vote will be taken next week with Batman, Superman, the Flash and the Green Lantern expected to vote against the change. Only Aquaman is leaning towards a yes vote. (The Martian Manhunter, while technically a member, does not have voting rights.)

“I’ll vote for the uniform change” said Aquaman.

As a gay underwater fighter for social justice I am sensitive to gender roles and societal-imposed constructs. Besides I think she will look good in a pantsuit. Very manly,

As for Wonder Woman herself she says she would be content to wear her current outfit if not for the fact that she has recently entered into a relationship with former Major League Baseball player, David Justice.

Wonder Woman’s current paramour

“His last name is Justice and that is so cool. And he gets me. He really understands me. But he gets jealous and wants me to show off less flesh. I love him. What can I do?”


Tanaka Strikes Out 13 and Still Loses; Or the “You Live by the Clipboard You Die by the Clipboard” Edition

“I’ve been dead for over 20 years but I hear through anonymous sources that Trump’s son-in-law sold nuclear secrets to the Russians!” ~ Mickey Mantle

The enemy of mankind: The clipboard!

Beginning a holiday weekend homestand against the Philadelphia, er the Kansas City, um, I mean the Oakland Athletics the Yankees started Mashiro Tanaka (5-4, 5.86) and the A’s Sean Manaea (3-3, 4.35).

It was a classic pitcher’s duel (at least until the now-porous Yankee bullpen was brought in during the 8th inning).

Tanaka, who had come off two really bad starts kept the A’s shutout and struck out 13.  I guess the talk he had with Joe Girardi before the game must have worked!

Girardi: Masahiro, I know you’ve had some bad starts as of late but I just want to say that you are our ace and we are behind you.  [To translator] Can you tell him that for me?

Translator: [To Tanaka] The cheese-eating white man says that you had better pitch good or he will drop a nuclear bomb on Japan and your house will be ground zero!

Tanaka: I hate cheese-eating white people!

I like this translator. Now we just need to find a translator like him who speaks Spanish.

There was no score until the top of the 8th inning. Tanaka, who had been cruising was taken out after giving up a single. So what do you do when yoru starter has struck out 13 and has been dominant?  You take him out of course. This is from the Gospel according to Tony La Russa, chapter 13, verse four: “Verily thou shalt not suffer thy starting pitcher to complete the game. Even if he is dominating.”

Or as Joe Girardi put it:  “According to my clipboard taking Tanaka out was the right thing to do.”

Other examples of listening to the clipboard:

Douglas MacArthur: I don’t know. We really should stop at the 38th parallel but the clipboard says pursue the North Koreans to the Chinese border.

Abraham Lincoln: I really don’t feel like going to the theater tonight but the clipboard says I should.

Julius Caesar: I know it’s the Ides of March but the clipboard says I have nothing to worry about.

Satan: I don’t know if this rebelling against God thing will work out but according to my clipboard it’s the right thing to do.

The clipboard:  Is there no evil it isn’t responsible for?

But anyway back to the game.  No score until the 8th.  Tanaka taken out. Bullpen brought in. Lead given up. Yankees lose 4-1.

The dependence of modern baseball on the bullpen is ruining the game. (And dragging out game times to 3 and 4 hours.) Get rid of the pitch count too.  Play baseball the way it was meant to be played and it will once again become the greatest game. And get rid of the damn blaring music. Baseball is a game best played in silence.

Notes on the game:

A woman sitting behind me kept yelling at Aaron Judge, trying to get him to look at her.  “I haven’t had sex in three weeks and need it” she told her friend.

Three weeks? Amateur. I disdain your three weeks.

All fans were given beer mugs before the game.

Beer and baseball. Who needs anything else?

This is a good idea that meets with Manhattan Infidel’s approval. Get the kids started early. Beer and baseball. It’s all you need in life.

Note:  The beer mug promotion, while popular, falls a distant second to the Yankees “crack cocaine and hookers” promotion night.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “Install the OpenLDAP server daemon and the traditional LDAP management utilities. These are found in packages slapd and ldap-utils respectively” didn’t fire up the crowd. Ignorant Linux savages! I can’t work with such people! Or any people really.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “My Ubuntu VM is getting a “running on low graphics mode” error message. What do I do?

Arm yourself and prepare for to resist your government.

C.H.E. of flaccid, floppy, filthy Florida writes,”I just got a tattoo that says “Linux girls do it open source.”

You said “open.” You’re dirty. And I like that.

M.P.A of Confederate-sympathizing, secessionist bastard-filled Maryland writes, “We intend to prepare for war. We do not believe that war will ensue, but we are determined to prepare for it. We are not a feeble race of Mexicans, either. Sir, disguise the fact as you will, there is an enmity between the northern and southern people that is deep and enduring and you can never eradicate it – never!  Sir I do not believe there will be any war; but if war is to come let it come. We will meet all the myrmidons of abolitionism and Black Republicanism everywhere, upon our own soil!”

You know Robert E. Lee hated Linux. Grant however loved it.

Recommended reading material:

The Koran by the con artist Mohammed. (Know thy enemy I always say.)

It’s just too bad that Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager isn’t my enemy. I really, really want to “know’ her.

Manhattan Infidel wants to know this woman!

And so my record stands at 2-3 this year. My next game is Wednesday June 6th against the abomination of desolation, the Bahstahn Red Sawks. And what does Bahstahn do?  That’s right. Bahstahn sucks cawk!

Go Yankees!


Charlie Brown Loses Football Scholarship!

It’s not my fault. It’s the damn holder!

Charlie Brown, once America’s most touted high school punter, has lost his scholarship to Ohio State.

“He just didn’t live up to expectations” said Ohio State’s head coach Urban Meyer.

We had heard that he could kick the ball 60-70 yards. Against the wind. With him as our punter we could win another championship. So I went down to see if the hype was accurate. What a let down. The guy couldn’t even hit the ball. Every time he’d miss it and land on his back. He tried to blame his holder. “Look it’s all about the snap and the holder. My holder kept pulling the football away from me as I was about to kick it.”  Frankly we were prepared to chalk it up to nerves and give the kid a second chance but his attempt to put the blame on his holder just spoke to a lack of character and maturity in him. We wish him luck but our scholarship offer has been withdrawn.

Informed that Ohio State was no longer interested, Brown sank into a spiral of rage, blaming his holder, a neighbor named Lucy, feminists, the world and God.

“I tell you it wasn’t my fault” Brown said as he called in to Mike Francesa’s radio show.

Give me another holder and I’ll be able to kick the ball 80 yards!  My leg is my gift. It’s the only thing I have. I’m not very popular in school and the red-headed girl told me she was a lesbian, which just destroyed me. My kicking is my ticket to fame, fortune and pussy. I normally use a different holder but he was off on a pilgrimage worshiping something called the Great Pumpkin. So I used his sister. Bitch knows nothing about football. Every time I was about to kick the ball she would pull it away and I’d land on my back. If that wasn’t bad enough she’d stand over me me laughing and saying “Charlie Brown you blockhead you are a cisgender oppressor.” I don’t even know what that means but it can’t be good.

Brown was then arrested after showing up drunk at the red-headed girl’s house and demanding oral sex.

“We received a report of a intruder banging on a resident’s front door” said the arresting officer.

When we arrived on the scene he had exposed his genitalia and was shouting “Suck this and you’ll never go back to women.” We tasered the perp and took him down. As we were handcuffing him he started crying and said “I just want to play football and bang the red-haired girl and now I won’t be able to do either.”

Brown was held overnight for observation and then released.

When asked what was next for him Brown replied that he still has options.

“I hear Michigan is interested. But who wants to play for Harbaugh. The man’s an asshole. Who knows. I may go up to Canada to play. Sure the rules are different but it’s either that or soccer. I have pride you know.”


The State Goes After Doctor Dolittle

I try cleaning up the animal shit I do

Eccentric, anti-State doctor John Dolittle, who only sees animals, has been targeted by local and Federal officials.

“This guy is a very weird doctor” said a Board of Health spokesman.

He lives with a bunch of animals at his place. He has a chimpanzee, a horse, four alligators, a bear, I don’t know whether it’s black or brown, but that’s not the point and a whole bunch of other animals. We assume none of the animals are house broken. In fact we know it. The neighbors were complaining of a foul “shit-like” odor coming from his place. We went in and god if it wasn’t a shit factory. You know chimpanzees like to throw their poop. There was poop all over the walls, and crap on the floor in every room.  Some of it was three or four feet thick. I haven’t seen this much shit since Woodstock. The only thing missing were the annoying hippies.

The Department of Health would have acted sooner but due to a loophole in the laws it is not illegal to animals shit all over your residence.

If a resident wants to live in shit technically there is nothing we can do about it. So we started searching for something we could get him on. So we thought maybe he was violating the civil rights of the bear. I don’t know if it’s a black bear or a brown bear to tell the truth but it is a bear of color and that’s all we needed. So we showed up to see if the bear would like to press charges. But the bear didn’t appear to want to talk. In fact all he did was eat one of our health board members. Then he shit him out. Ironic isn’t it?

Stymied by the bear, whether it was a brown or black bear we don’t know at this point, the State next looked into Doctor Dolittle’s tax records.

“The guy paid all his taxes. All of them” according to an IRS official.

Naturally we were disappointed. This is a very weird guy. Probably conservative. Definitely anti-State so we couldn’t figure out why he was paying all his taxes. None of us do. Then again we are Democrats and the rules do not apply to us. This guy is a freak.

Finally Doctor Dolittle’s political beliefs were looked into.

“We examined his Facebook page and found out that he opposes gay marriage” said an FBI agent.

That’s when we knew we had the anti-State bastard dead in our sights and we could destroy him. The power to tax is the power to destroy as Daniel Webster said. We immediately fined him 50,000 dollars and told him we would double the fine every week until he started treated gay, married bears. Brown bears or black bears it doesn’t matter as long as he treated them.

Doctor Dolittle has refused to pay the fine and warns State officials that any attempt to enter his house again will have consequences.

“I have some chimpanzees and you know how they like to throw poop. And I have a bear, I don’t know whether it’s a brown bear or a black bear, who likes to eat people who work for the State.”


Bombing in Manchester Kills 22; Motive Unknown; Was Trump Responsible?

This is what happens when Americans elect Donald Trump!

A suicide bomber who has been identified as Salman Abedi killed 22 people and injured hundreds, some as young as six, at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.

While the facts are still being collected and not wanting to defame an entire group (unless they are white Christians) I now present the Official Bombing in Manchester So Not Caused by The Religion of Peace Template™.

A bomb exploded as a concert was ending, killing 22 and wounding hundreds. How does a tragedy like this happen?

  • No one knows for sure but we must all pray for the victims
  • It’s all a cultural misunderstanding
  • We can build all the walls we want but to prevent further attacks like this we must engage with the Muslim community and understand why they are doing this. This is more important than bombing the Middle East.
  • What did Donald Trump know and when did he know it?

Already the right-wingers are blaming Islam. How can we combat their Islamophobia?

  • Convert to Islam
  • Read the Koran
  • Wear a burka
  • Fight Donald Trump and his anti-Islam agenda

Salman Abedi was an immigrant born in England. This is all the proof I need that Islam was not responsible

  • I hear you. I am ashamed that people jump to conclusions and blame Islam
  • Europe, unlike America, has a long history of welcoming immigrants!
  • Seriously. You backward, insular Americans know nothing of inclusiveness and openness
  • This is a false flag operation. Everyone knows Donald Trump ordered it!

I’m thinking of getting my daughter genitally mutilated to show solidarity with the Muslim community of Manchester

  • What a wonderful idea!  I know someone who can perform the operation!
  • Can I hold your daughter down while the scalpel is applied to her?
  • Genital mutilation is a symbol of power for girls. You don’t want your daughter to grow up to be a hip-thrusting, sex-crazed western girl, do you?
  • Donald Trump has sex with hip-thrusting, sex-crazed, wild, western women. That should tell you all you need to know

CNN has just reported that an anonymous source who used to work for a previous administration says that Trump colluded with Putin to overthrow the American electoral system and yes while I know this has nothing to do with the bombing in Manchester I thought it was important

  • I thank you for bringing this to my attention. Impeach the bastard!
  • Republicans think that they have the right to win elections and govern. This is not so!
  • Are you sure Trump had nothing to do with the bombing in Manchester?
  • No seriously. Don’t be so naive. Trump ordered the bombing to distract from his collusion with Russia!

This template has been brought to you as a public service. Together we can fight Islamophobia. Just remember to a) genitally mutilate your daughters b) read the Koran and c) Impeach Trump!!!!!


On Rainy, Misty Night in The Bronx the Yankees Beat Kansas City

“An anonymous source in the Yankee clubhouse verifies that Trump colluded with Russia to throw the election” ~ CNN

Monday night in the Bronx

The Yankees came home after a 3-3 road trip to face the Kansas City Athletics. Um, I mean the Kansas City Royals. The Yankees started Michael Pineda (5-2 3.35) and the Royals Jason Vargas (5-3 2.30).

The Royals took a quick lead in the top of the third.   On an 0-1 count Jorge Bonifacio homered to deep left.  After Jorge Soler struck out, Whit Merrifield singled. Alcides Escobar (no relation to Pablo Escobar, I don’t know where those rumors start) doubled him home.  2-0 Royals after 2 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the inning when on a 2-2 pitch Brett Gardner homered to right center.  2-1 Royals after three innings.

The Yankees took the lead and never surrendered it in the bottom of the fourth when Aaron Judge walked and then reached second on a fielder’s choice after Aaron Hicks grounded out. Didi Gregorius then homered to right field.  3-2 Yankees after four innings.

The Yankees got an insurance run in the bottom of the seventh when Chris Carter didn’t strike out. Seriously. The guy struck out 206 times last year for Milwaukee. But this time he homered. 4-2 Yankees after seven innings.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

A group of German tourists were sitting in the row behind me in the right field bleachers. They left after the fifth inning, no doubt to invade the left field bleachers. Because that’s what Germans do. That and surrendering to Islam.

The last time I was at Yankee stadium I had a 15 dollar 24 ounce can of Heineken. This time I had a $12.50 pint of Heineken.


It’s called #Winning!  (Hey, I save $2.50!)

Perhaps to encourage the Germans at the game Angela Merkel showed up.  She stayed half an inning before being brutally raped by “immigrants” of unknown origin. And by unknown origin I mean a Muslim country.

Best heckle of the game: I tried but my heckle of “Oh my god, I just panicked the Kernel” didn’t fire up the crowd. Obviously those in attendance have never had this problem with their Linux machines.  They probably thought I mean this type of Colonel.

This man is also Linus ignorant

Damn Linux ignorant savages!

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Do I need to use the yppasswdd command or the password command on an NIS client?”

Et Tu, A.P.?  Are you also an Linux ignorant savage?

C.H.E of the state that looks like a penis writes, “Can alligators learn Linux?”

I understand you have many alligators in your state. But no. Alligators cannot learn Linux. However many are proficient in Windows 10.

M.P.A of Confederate-sympathizing Maryland writes, “We of the south have had no more to do in the election of Mr. Lincoln than we have to do with the election of the Emperor of France. He is to us a foreign ruler.”

Please confine your comments to Linux you secessionist bastard!

Recommended reading material:

American Participation in the Second Vatican Council, edited by Monsignor Vincent A. Yzermans.

Today’s game lasted a little over three hours, which by modern standards makes it a quick game. How would I speed up the game? It’s simple: Distempered grizzly bears would be released whenever a batter has a full count as an incentive not to foul off four pitches in a row.

I shall discuss this with baseball commissioner Rob Manfred. No doubt he will be sympathetic to my plan.

And so my record stands at 2-2 this year. My next game is Friday May 26th against the Kansas City Athletics. I mean the Oakland Athletics.

Go Yankees!

I leave you with a photo of spaghetti-swilling, greasy Italians. Because you know how they are!

Damn Italians! What? Oh that’s Joe DiMaggio? Never mind.


My Exclusive Interview With Disgraced Former Congressman and Now Registered Sex Offender Anthony Weiner

Would you like to see it?

Last week former congressman and serial “sext-er” Anthony Weiner pleaded guilty to one count of transferring obscene material to a minor. He must now register as a sex offender and forfeit his iPhone. I recently sat down with Weiner to discuss his future.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Weiner.

AW: [Sobbing] I knew what I was doing was morally wrong. It was wrong. But I have a sickness.

MI: I’m familiar with your sickness. It’s called being an asshole.

AW: [Sobbing] I could have been Mayor Weiner, Governor Weiner. Why did they have to invent an iPhone?  Damn you Steve Jobs!

MI: So this is Steve Jobs’ fault?

AW: [Sobbing] He ruined my life. As long as I can remember I’ve wanted women to see my penis. Before the iPhone I had to go into the park with a trench coat and flash schoolgirls. Oh the thrill when they looked down and saw my penis. Sometimes I’d wait for hours in the park for some schoolgirls to come along. I knew I’d never get caught. It was their word against mine.

MI:  Um.

AW: [Sobbing]  But then Jobs invented the iPhone. I could now show any woman anywhere my penis. But there was an electronic paper trail. God, why?  Why must I be cursed with such pride in my penis that I want to show it to everyone?

MI: Would you like a tissue?

AW: [Sobbing] No I brought my own. Why? Oh why –

MI: I’m sorry I’m getting a text on my phone.  What the?  Did you just send me a photo of your penis?

AW: [Sobbing] It’s my sickness. I can’t stop it.

MI: Your wife, Huma Abedin filed for divorce right after you pleaded guilty. That must have been one hell of a one-two punch.

AW: [Sobbing] Wait, what?  Huma filed for divorce?  No one told me. I know how to make it up to her and have her come back to me. No one can resist the Weiner charm.  I’ll just text her a few photos of my penis with the caption “Miss this yet?”

[Weiner sends text]

AW: This is such a thrill. I can just imagine her reaction. Hopefully she’ll send a text of her boobs to me.

MI: But haven’t the two of you already seen each other naked?

AW: Yes, but intercourse is not nearly as thrilling as this.

MI: Okay. I thought the judge ordered you to forfeit your iPhone?

AW:  This is a Samsung. And a Samsung is not an iPhone. Trust me. I’m a lawyer. I know about loopholes.

[Weiner’s Samsung explodes]

AW: My god, it’s on fire!

[Weiner drops his Samsung into his lap]

AW: I dropped my Samsung into my lap! It’s still on fire!  It’s burning my crotch! My beautiful, shaved crotch that I love showing off! 

[Weiner starts sobbing again]

MI: Would you like some more tissues now?

AW: Yes. Look at my crotch. It’s all burned. It looks like brisket. I will never be able to send another picture of my penis again!

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

AW: My kingdom! My kingdom for a not horribly burned crotch!

I’ll never be able to eat brisket again. Trust me, readers. I, I won’t be able to. I just can’t.


Puerto Rican Culturally Appropriates His Inner Mexican and Drives Like Shit; Sources Say He Was Upset Over Russian Interference in 2016 Election

This is what happens when you let Russia interfere in our elections

Times Square in Manhattan, the crossroads of the world, became a scene of panic yesterday afternoon as a car drove the wrong way down a one-way street and plowed into pedestrians, injuring dozens and killing one.

Richard Rojas, a former Navy vet and current resident of the Bronx who has been arrested twice in the past for DWI, was apprehended at the site while trying to run away.

At first there were fears of a terrorist attack but after questioning Rojas confessed that he plowed purposely into pedestrians to “send a message to Putin to leave the American electoral process alone.”

“We are all a little surprised” said an NYPD officer at the scene.

Like everyone I thought it might be an terrorist attack but then my sergeant informed me that speculation like that was racist. “Islam is the religion of peace” he told me. I have to agree. No, seriously, I have to agree. He’s my sergeant. But then he told us that he was “extremely concerned” about Russian collusion in the 2016 Presidential election. I mean who isn’t concerned about Russian collusion into our electoral process. I watch CNN!

Eyewitnesses to the crash expressed dismay at the carnage and, once informed of Rojas’ motives, disgust at President Trump.

“I heard a car and then screaming” said a tourist who was in Times Square at the time of the accident.

I rushed over to one person who had been thrown into the air by the car. He was moaning and saying, “Why? Why?” I held his hand and reassured him. “Don’t you worry. Donald Trump will pay for colluding with Russia” I told him. He smiled at me and said, “Good. Now I can die in peace.” Then he died. I haven’t been so emotionally drained since Hillary lost, no doubt because of collusion between Trump and Putin.

CNN and MSNBC both interrupted their scheduled programming to report on the message sent by a concerned citizen.

“I am reporting live from Times Square, a scene of chaos, fear and hope” reported Wolf Blitzer.

Chaos because a car has plowed into pedestrians. Fear that loves ones may be injured. But also hope. Hope because finally America’s citizens are rising up and telling Donald Trump that he will not get away with colluding with Putin to overthrow the American electoral system. If one person can stand up to Trump then all America can.

In Washington, D.C. Donald Trump, the illegitimate president, stonewalled the press when asked about Rojas’ statement in Times Square.

“I am sure this person had other motives for crashing his car into pedestrians” said the guilty, treasonous president.

Perhaps he was drunk or high. But I doubt he did this as a protest. That’s just a ridiculous statement. I mean seriously. Can’t you guys in the press report something truthful for once?

Despite his attempts to throw suspicion off his administration for colluding with Russia and perhaps because of disgust at his racist statement about the Puerto Rican driver who was just trying to do his patriotic duty, the American people remain united in their desire to impeach Trump.

The NYPD has asked citizens who also with to send a message to Trump that he will not get away with his collusion to try to plow into pedestrians during non-rush hour times.

“People got to get to work and they don’t need anyone sending a message of anger over Trump’s collusion with Russia during their commute” said NYPD  Commissioner James P. O’Neill.


The Man With No Name Accused of Cultural Appropriation!

A white man should not wear a poncho!

The man with no name, the bounty hunter sometimes called “Blondie” has been asked to removed his poncho and give it back to the Mexican people.

“White men should not wear ponchos” said a spokesman for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Mexicans.

This is a white man. A bounty hunter. Like all white men he is a born killer. He kills because as a bounty hunter he is paid to kill. Typical of white people. Why can’t he wear what white people wear? Why must he defame an entire race, a race of color, by wearing a poncho? The poncho has a long and proud tradition among the Mexican peoples. If you see someone wearing a poncho do you say “Is he American?” No. You say “Poncho! He must be Mexican.” Indeed ponchos are the signature look of Mexicans. That and the guitars they carry to strum on the NYC subway to make a living. I ask that this man, Blondie, take his poncho off now and return it to the Mexican consulate in the New Mexico territory. It’s a question of social justice! 

Indeed the hashtag #makeblondieremovehisponcho has begun trending on Twitter. Many Hollywood celebrities have joined the campaign to make Blondie take off his signature Mexican outfit.

“This is cultural appropriation at its worst” said comedienne Amy Schumer. “I’m so upset by this I may have to eat some donuts.”

“All white men should be rounded up and raped” said Joy Behar on The View.

“We must protect Mexicans from being culturally appropriated” co-host Whoopie Goldberg commented. Warming to her theme, Goldberg continued:

As a black woman I know a thing or two about cultural appropriation. Look at all the things the white man has stolen from us: The Pyramids, which were built by the black man. The Bible, which was inspired by African culture. And lets not forget Jews! I am a Jew. The Jews of the Bible were from sub-Saharan Africa! That is a fact. Look it up. As a person of color I call on Congress to protect the Mexican people and their cultural artifacts. If we have to we should segregate Mexicans into some sort of cultural ghetto where they will never again fear the white man stealing their ponchos!

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto has announced a ban on cross-border poncho trade.

First the Yankees steal Texas. Then they steal California. Now they are stealing our ponchos. Reconquista!  Reconquista our ponchos! We Mexicans care deeply about this. That and not being executed by drug gangs.

The object of the outrage, the man known as Blondie, had this to say about the poncho controversy:

“You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.”

No one knows exactly what he means by this but some suspect that the digging reference is in itself culturally appropriating the work of gravediggers.


U.S. Defeats Russia at Ice Hockey World Championship; What Did Trump Know and When Did He Know It?

What did Trump know and when did he know it?

The United States came from behind and defeated Russia 5-3 at the Ice Hockey World Championship in Cologne, Germany, prompting immediate cries for Trump’s impeachment.

“What did Trump know and when did he know it” said Chuck Schumer (D-NY).

Did Trump collude with the Russians?  Did Russia interfere in the game and try to have their team win? Did Trump give Russia information about our team? The U.S. outshot Russia 35-19 but could we have had more shots if Russians didn’t know beforehand about the strengths and weaknesses of our team?  Kevin Hayes scored two goals. Could he have had three if Trump hadn’t given the Russians a dossier on him? These are questions that must be answered. That is why I am calling for a special prosecutor to investigate this so-called HockeyGate.

After the game (“match” as the more civilized Europeans call it), reporters, sensing Trump’s collusion, surrounded the Russian hockey team to demand answers.

“Did Trump give you information beforehand about our team?” said a reporter for ESPN.

On behalf of all Americans I want to apologize for our white nationalist president. But please, Russian hockey player who lives in a socialist workers paradise, DID TRUMP COLLUDE WITH THIS HOCKEY TEAM? 

Nikita Kucherov of the Russian team who was penalized for high sticking, no doubt over shame at the Trump-Russia collusion pretty much admitted what everyone knew: Trump was helping the Russians.

“I have never met President Trump” he said. “I have not colluded with him.”

Experts at MSNBC who have parsed Kucherov’s comments believe this was his veiled way of admitting guilt.

“Look the guy knows if he admits the truth when we gets back to Russia he will be killed” said MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell.

And that truth is Russia and President Trump are in bed together. Look at the evidence: First Trump colludes with Russia to win the presidential election. Not satisfied with that Trump fires FBI director James Comey, an impeachable offense. Then the white nationalist colludes with white nationalists in Russia to throw the hockey game to Russia. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. As a white nationalist he would have wanted the U.S. to win. But anyway my point is he colluded. We don’t have any evidence but it’s true. May impeachment proceedings begin soon so Hillary can take her rightful place as president.

Former Defense Intelligence Agency head James Clapper, interviewed on CNN, called the U.S victory over Russia “tainted.”

I have it from reliable sources that Trump went over the heads of his intelligence leaders and called Putin directly. As to what the two talked about you can bet it wasn’t trade deals or nuclear disarmament. It was hockey. I bet you Trump told Putin that he will help the Russians defeat the Americans in return for Trump assassinating Rosie O’Donnell. Evidence?  Who needs evidence. My sources, and by my sources I mean stuff I made up, believe it to be so. That is why we must impeach Trump to save our democracy.


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Anders Lee, who scored what would prove to be the winning goal for the U.S., has been subpoenaed by the House Intelligence Committee.

“We’re going to make the bastard sweat” said Committee Chairman Devin Nunes.

“He’s going to tell us all about the collusion or we’ll take his green card. What? He’s American?  Then we’ll give him a green card and then take it away!”